For context please be sure to read the previous chapter, Gillian and Caroline Go to Hebden Women’s Disco – Last Tango in Halifax Fan Fiction 1.6
The full list of this Last Tango in Halifax fan fic episodes can be found in Last Tango in Halifax Fan Fiction.
CAROLINE’S HOUSE. LATE AFTERNOON.
John pulls into Caroline’s driveway, and finds a Mini Cooper parked in it. Lawrence comes out of the house.
Popsicle!
What are you and Angus up to?
Angus?
Isn’t this his car?
No, it’s…
Caroline with Flora, and Charlie come out of the house chatting gleefully. John sees them.
Who’s that vixen with your mum?
That, Pops, is mum’s new woman.
Barb?
You need to get your eyes checked, Pops. She’s called Charlie.
Flora is showing Charlie something on Caroline’s mobile while Caroline is locking the door. John walks over to them.
Caroline.
John! What are you doing here?
I’ve come to collect my things.
Great! But we’re off to Gillian’s for dinner.
(addresses Charlie) Hello. I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Caroline’s husband, John. (extends hand)
Ex-husband!
Hi. I’m Charlie. (shakes John’s hand)
Let’s watch this in the car. Would you sit beside me?
(to Flora) Sure, why not. (turns to John) It’s nice meeting you, John.
Flora leads Charlie to the car. Caroline is delighted to see Flora has already warmed up to Charlie.
So we’re off to Gillian’s.
We are. Not you. You weren’t invited.
I’ll come back for my things some other time then.
No! You’re already here. (hesitates, but she desperately wants John out of her house for good) You can stay and collect your things while we’re at Gillian’s.
Caroline unlocks the door.
There’s a spare key in the console in the foyer. You can return it the next time you see Lawrence. And if you want to be useful, you can also walk Ruth.
John cringes.
I’m kidding! I know you don’t like dogs. I’ve got to go. Bye!
FAR SLACK FARM, LIVING ROOM. EARLY EVENING.
Celia’s looking out the window.
Caroline’s here!
Alan joins Celia.
Who’s that woman she’s with?
She must be Charlie.
Charlie’s a woman?
It’s probably short for Charlotte.
Why do those people have to change their names?
(raises eyebrow) Those people? (gives Celia a stern look) It’s not uncommon for Charlottes to go by Charlie.
(looks at Alan) You’re thinking I’m old-fashioned. (notices he’s disappointed) I’m a work in progress.
Alan puts his arm around Celia. They join the others to meet Charlie.
Hello! (warmly) You must be Charlie.
Yes, I am. Nice to meet you. (shakes Alan’s hand)
Alan’s me stepdad, and this is me mum, Celia.
How d’you do, Charlotte?
(to Celia) She goes by Charlie.
It’s fine, Caroline. Nice to meet you, Celia. (shakes Celia’s hand)
CAROLINE’S HOUSE. EARLY EVENING.
John has finished packing his things. He paces around the kitchen. Ruth looks at him.
What are you looking at?
Ruth starts sniffing around. She becomes restless.
Oh God. Do you have to go?
Ruth barks.
For the love of Caroline. (looks around, finds the leash, grabs it) Come on, Ruth.
MOOR NEAR CAROLINE’S HOUSE. EARLY EVENING.
John walks Ruth at a moor where she does her business. He cleans up after her.
(disgusted) The indignity! See what you’ve reduced me to, Caroline! Is this useful enough?
A couple walking their dog sees John talking to himself or the dog. They can’t tell. John realizes he’s not alone. Embarrassed and mortified, he gives them a gormless smile. He waits until they are out of earshot.
You’d better tell your mistress what I’ve done for you, Ruth. Maybe I should tell her myself. What do you think?
Ruth barks.
I’m glad you agree with me. Let’s go then. I have a dinner to crash.
Ruth barks again, runs after a squirrel, and drags John with her.
Ruth!
GILLIAN’S HOUSE, DINING AREA. EVENING.
Everyone’s engrossed at Gillian’s storytelling.
So, I demonstrated how to catch the sheep and asked for a volunteer to try what they’ve learned. This bloke, a haughty one. You know…the type who wouldn’t listen to a woman.
Oh, we’ve all encountered one of those supercilious blokes.
Everyone at the table agrees.
So this bloke…
WE FLIP BACK TO —
TEACHING FARM, CATCH PEN. AFTERNOON.
Gillian’s inside the catch pen with her haughty student.
Remember, always approach sheep calmly and slowly.
The bloke runs after the sheep, alarming and making it restless.
Guys, this is an adult sheep. It’s quite strong. It’s better to grab the rear flank.
The bloke grabs the hind leg instead of the rear flank as Gillian advised. The sheep kicks him strong enough to knock him on his behind.
Oh! Are you okay? (walks over to help him up)
The bloke now grabs the throat instead of the jaw.
Grab the jaw! Not the throat! Keep it’s head up to maintain control.
The sheep’s head is down. It wriggles violently as the bloke struggles to control it.
CUT TO:
GILLIAN’S HOUSE, DINING AREA. EVENING.
Guess what happened next?
What?!
Don’t keep us in suspense.
The sheep somehow managed to grab by its mouth the bloke’s hair, which happens to be a toupee, and ran with it!
Everyone laughs.
No way!
Sounds like an episode of LAADS.
Yeah! Can I sit in on one of your classes, Gillian?
I don’t think that’s a good idea, Lawrence. You could get her in trouble.
I won’t. I promise!
Did the sheep eat the…erm…
Toupee?
Yeah, that one!
No! We got it back! And…he put it back on his head!
They chortle. There’s a knock on the door.
(still laughing)
Maybe it’s the bloke. He wants a new toupee.
One made of wool.
Everyone laughs. Gillian goes to answer the door.
John! What are you doing here?
I’m here to see Caroline.
Gillian lets John inside her house. They head towards the dining room.
Is something wrong?
Oh no, no, no. Things are fine.
(surprised) John! What are you doing here? Is Ruth all right?
(perplexed) Ruth?
The dog.
Right.
Oh, yes, yes, she’s fine. She ran after a squirrel, but she’s fine. (proudly) I walked her. (smiles)
Why are you here then?
I came to return your spare key.
You didn’t have to drive all the way here to return it.
Don’t you want it?
Yes, I want it. Hand it over.
John goes over to where Caroline is sitting. He demurs having realized he’s giving up access to her house, but relents.
Thank you.
Don’t mention it. (he starts picking at Caroline’s pie) Mmm…this pie is scrumptious. From where’d you get it?
(proudly) Charlie baked it! (she looks at Charlie, beaming)
John almost spits it out his mouth.
I guess you’d better be going.
Since I’m already here. (addresses Gillian) Can I stay for dessert?
Gillian looks at Caroline. Caroline shrugs.
Okay…you can sit at the kiddie table. Calamity, Flora! Make room for Uncle John. (she puts a slice of pie on to a plate and hands it to John)
(laughs, realizes Gillian’s not kidding)
There’s no space at this table. Go on then.
John begrudgingly goes over to the kiddie table to join Calamity and Flora.
So, Charlie…you and Caroline met at the Hebden Women’s Disco?
Erm…summat like that.
She was the one who treated my hands.
(shouts from the kiddie table)
What happens in Hebden Women’s Disco, stays in Hebden Women’s Disco!
Unless someone takes a video of you. (he pulls out his phone)
(sternly) Lawrence! You are not to show that video to anyone!
We’ve already seen it anyway.
Caroline buries her face in her hands.
I haven’t!
(looks up abruptly) You are never to see that video, Mum!
Why? Is it pornographic?
Everyone laughs even Caroline.
Oh, this has been fun, but it’s getting late. We’d better head out.
Yes. It’s getting hard to drive in the dark.
It has been lovely.
(addresses Gillian) Thanks for hosting, love.
Thanks for coming, Celia, Dad.
Gillian hugs Alan and Celia, and they head to the door. The guests head to the living room. Caroline starts cleaning up, and Charlie helps her. John watches them furtively from the kiddie table where he’s finishing his pie.
Charlie! You joining us?
You go mingle.
You sure?
Let the family get to know you. (looks at her with pride and delight, gives Charlie a kiss)
(smiles) You’re the boss. (goes to the living room)
John is unenthused.
GILLIAN’S HOUSE, LIVING ROOM. EVENING.
Charlie sits beside Lawrence.
Lawrence, I hear you play rugby.
Yes...since you brought it up, I had a heavy tackle the last time I played and am feeling pain here...(points to the right side of his abdomen) Could you take a look?
Lawrence!
Raff laughs. Ellie slaps Raff’s chest with the back of her hand and glares at Lawrence.
Lawrence (to Ellie): What?
The last person who asked me that died. He played rugby just like you. Ruptured spleen after a heavy tackle. It was weeks after the injury before the pain worsened. By then it was too late. He died in the ambulance. Massive internal bleeding after the blood clot from the injury dislodged and tore his spleen.
Lawrence, Raff, and Ellie look horrified.
Seriously?
I’m kidding!
The three laugh nervously.
Just so you know, the spleen is on the upper left side of your abdomen. Tucked in under the ribs. You pointed at the lower right side of your belly.
Lawrence heaves a sigh of relief.
You probably have an inflamed appendix.
The four of them laugh.
CUT TO:
GILLIAN’S HOUSE, KITCHEN. EVENING.
John goes over to Caroline who is washing dishes.
Isn’t she too young for you?
Is that why you’re here? To pass judgment?
You and her. It’s inappropriate.
Caroline scoffs, gets nasty, but in a hushed voice careful not to call the attention of the guests in the living room.
Don’t lord your moral rectitude over me. Apart from no virtuous person would do so, you forfeited any moral superiority you have when you left me and the boys to shack with a pisshead.
You’re never going to let that go, are you?
And why should I?
Haven’t I paid enough?
No.
She’s the same age as William.
She’s not.
Gillian senses tension in the kitchen, and checks on Caroline.
Is everything okay here?
John’s just leaving.
You know where the door is, John.
John passes through the living room on his way out.
Lawrence we’re leaving.
You are. I’m not. I’m leaving with mum and Charlie. Charlie’s telling us the most fascinating cases she attended.
John looks defeated. He leaves as laughter erupts inside the house.
Read continuation in the next Last Tango in Halifax fan fiction episode: Gillian and Caroline Go to Hebden Women’s Disco – Last Tango in Halifax Fan Fiction 1.8
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