Comprehensive Episode Guides

Vital Signs – White Collar Episode Summary 1.10

2012-01-27T03:09:00.000-05:00

Synopsis: Neal Caffrey smells a scam when June informs him that her granddaughter was unceremoniously bumped off the kidney transplant list, and soon after receives a call from an organization claiming to be able to help for a hefty fee. He and Agent Burke look into the charity, and uncover a scam. With no proof, the FBI puts in motion Caffrey’s elaborate plan to catch the swindler.

Episode Summary: Neal Caffrey learns that June’s granddaughter, Samantha, has been bumped off from the kidney transplant list. Moreover, soon after learning of the unfortunate news, an organization approaches June claiming to have the means to provide Samantha a kidney. This service, however, comes with a hefty price of a hundred thousand dollars. Neal Caffrey smells a scam, and immediately runs to Peter for help. Continue reading...

Melissa Calloway, the representative of Hearts Wide Open, the charity who offered to help June with getting her granddaughter a kidney, arrives at June’s house. Neal Caffrey was to pretend to be June’s financial adviser, but passes on the job to Mozzie in order to break into Ms. Calloway’s car to take a peek at the woman’s briefcase. As luck would have it, a police officer approaches Neal while he tries to unlock the car. Luckily, Neal saw the officer’s reflection on the window before raising suspicion. Neal makes up a cock and bull story of his wife accidentally grabbing his car keys making him late for his trial where he is to prosecute a criminal who took a swing at an officer responding to a domestic dispute.

While speaking with Ms. Calloway, uneasiness overcomes Mozzie as he watches a police car stop to confront Neal. Surprisingly, the arriving officer only helped Neal jimmy the car door open. Neal was still in the car when the meeting with Ms. Calloway ended prompting Mozzie to clumsily try to keep her from leaving. Neal is still looking though Ms. Calloway’s briefcase when he receives a warning call from Mozzie that allowed him to leave the car in time.

Agent Peter Burke did his research on Hearts Wide Open, and discovers that Melissa Calloway works for Dr. Wayne Powell, the founder of the organization. Dr. Powell is a respected physician who runs a number of high-end clinics. Agent Burke scolds Caffrey after learning that the young man did his own unauthorized research. He warns him of the consequences of his actions, which caused the life of one of Burke’s confidential informants who like Caffrey took matters into his own hands. Caffrey’s research was not for naught as Jones arrives with the results of the names he found only to discover that all are members of Doctoral Global Initiative. The two hypothesize that Dr. Powell must be getting his supply of organs from third world countries.

Caffrey and Agent Burke arrive at the Tennis Tournament that Neal found an invitation for in Ms. Calloway’s briefcase. Without their own invitation, Neal and Peter find themselves unable to get admitted to the premises. Neal spots Melissa and pretends to be Dr. Leonard Parker from Doctor Global Initiative hoping to get her to let him and Peter in. Seeing that Neal’s plan has failed, Peter tells him that they should leave, but he somehow caught Melissa’s eye, and gets a free pass to attend the tournament.

Posing as the chiropractor Dr. Edgar Tannenbaum whom Melissa has the hots for, Peter must flirt with her to get her away from Dr. Powell. While Melissa shows Peter his spot, Neal moves in to speak with Dr. Wayne Powell, and introduces himself as Dr. Parker from Doctor Global Initiative. Hearing that he is from DGI, Neal immediately gets on Dr. Powell’s good side. Moreover, the doctor wastes no time to inform him of a “friend in need”. He tells him of a patient in need of a kidney that requires perfect compatibility. Moreover, he knows of a village on the outskirts of Manipur, India that he thinks would have that zero mismatch kidney. Neal claims to travel to India often for work, and Dr. Powell bites the bait giving him his contact information. He asks Neal to give him a call adding the bit about him having the means to give exceptionally charitable donations. Meanwhile, Peter is with Melissa in one of the tents reserved for players in need of a trainer. The woman continues flirting with him despite knowing that Peter is married. Melissa claims to have pains on her fifth vertebrae, and asks Peter to work on it eventually asking him to massage her lower back. The woman attempts to take her flirtation to the next level, but Peter steers her away, and asks more about her work with Dr. Powell. Melissa informs him of the Howser Clinic, and invites him to pay a visit.

Agent Burke looked into Dr. Powell’s records, and discovers the man’s frequent flights to India. Moreover, he found out that Dr. Powell was born with only one kidney, and given that his PRAs are high, he is in need of a zero mismatch. None of the information they have could make the case, not even the pay offs he makes to the doctors he uses to scout for organs, because all are masked as charitable donations. Agent Burke believes that their proof can be found at the Howser Clinic.

Neal learns from Mozzie that the charity withdrew its offer to June’s granddaughter claiming to have found a more urgent recipient. Mozzie’s snooping led him to believe that the charity has become paranoid to the point of discarding files. Neal gives Peter a call, and learns the cause for the clinic’s sudden suspicion. The FBI asked for copies of their financial records.

Meanwhile, Elizabeth Burke finds Melissa Calloway’s card with the woman’s hand written personal number in Peter’s suit pocket, and immediately confronts her husband about it. Peter explains to her about the undercover work that required him to flirt with the woman. Having been used to Neal doing the seduction, this startled Elizabeth so much that it made her laugh.

Neal posing as a doctor wheels Mozzie, a mental patient, inside the Howser Clinic. Mozzie creates a scene, and the nurse tries to call Dr. Westlake right away, but Neal advises that he take him to the doctor himself making an excuse of aggravating his patient’s paranoia if he sees the nurse making a call. The nurse gives them permission to see the doctor on their own, but gives the doctor a ring as soon as Neal and Mozzie left reception. Mozzie swipes a janitor’s work clothes, and takes one of the bins filled with shredded files. Meanwhile, Neal searches Dr. Powell’s office, and finds a list of donors. Unfortunately, the office has a hidden security camera, and a guard sees Neal snooping around. Hearing security being paged to check Dr. Powell’s office, Neal faxes the list to Agent Burke knowing that guards will be at the office in no time. However, one of the orderlies sees him sending the fax, and stops it right away. Luckily, the fax went through to Peter’s house, and Elizabeth reads the note aloud as “Jimmy Burger”.

While one of the orderlies is on the phone with Dr. Powel, the other one straps him to a bed. Dr. Powell advises the orderly to treat him as a mental patient. Soon a nurse injects Neal with medication. Fully aware that Neal is in trouble, Agent Burke requests the location of Neal’s anklet. Without a warrant, Agent Burke could not come to his rescue, but Elizabeth suggests another way in. His wife tells him that he call Melissa, and have her get him inside the clinic. Peter is mortified for having to flirt with another woman in front of his wife, and gets in trouble with Elizabeth when Melissa mentions about his “magic hands”. Nonetheless, the call worked. Melissa gets Peter a pass to enter the clinic.

Peter arrives at the Howser Clinic early, and sees Melissa while at reception. Dr. Powell’s urgent phone call to the apprehensive woman gave Peter the opportunity to sneak inside the clinic. Peter hears Neal singing, and finds him inside a room drugged and strapped to a bed. The two hide inside a conference room where a drugged Caffrey confesses to Peter that he is the only person he trusts. Peter handcuffs Neal to a chair with strict instructions disallowing the young man to pick the lock. He returns with the surveillance tape that holds incriminating evidence of Neal that would put him back in jail for illegally snooping inside the clinic. Dr. Powell arrives at the clinic and updates Melissa of the incident. He wants to know the identity of the person who sneaked inside his office, and whether he took anything from his office. However, Peter and Neal have already escaped.

Peter brings Neal to his home only to find that his wife is still annoyed with him. Meanwhile, Neal is back to his senses, but still with a headache. He, however, is well enough to inform Peter of what he found in Dr. Powell’s office. Neal found a list of wealthy clients willing to pay for organs, and another list with names and blood types. The paper he used to fax Peter contained a partial list of names.

Agent Burke briefs his team about Dr. Powell’s operation of how the doctor gets donors from charity cases for Hearts Wide Open. Through the organization, Dr. Powell was able to put together a database of less fortunate donors providing him with a supply of organs for affluent patients in need of a transplant. He has been using the money from the charity scam to search for the zero mismatch kidney that will put an end to his nephrosis. With the donors keeping their lips sealed, Agent Burke needs another strategy to catch Dr. Powell. Caffrey’s idea is to make the doctor spend the money he made from organ sales, money that can be traced back to his charity scam. The plan is to provide the doctor the kidney he has been searching for all his life.

In order for this plan to pull through, the Bureau needs to cause urgency by making the doctor believe that his one good kidney is starting to fail. Two of the symptoms of kidney failure are weight loss and skin irritation. Agent Jones goes to the dry cleaners to swap Dr. Powell’s clothes for a larger size that has been sprayed with itching formula. The last symptom they plan to induce is blood in the urine. This they put in play with Mozzie injecting food coloring in the cranberry juice the doctor has delivered to his house. The doctor takes the bait, and consults his physician. Depressed with his condition, Dr. Powell finds Neal’s call providential. The doctor wastes no time to fly to India, and Agent Jones poses as his chauffer who will shuttle him to the airport only he wakes up in a crummy hospital with an Indian woman who does not speak any English as his nurse. Neal enters his makeshift room and informs Dr. Powell that he went into renal failure during his flight. He, however, was able to make it to Manipur, but they had to take out his kidney, and place him on dialysis. Neal informs him that his donor is there, but is curious about the extent of the charitable donations the doctor could provide. Dr. Powell offers a hundred thousand, but Neal drives a hard bargain, and asks for thirty million. When the doctor refuses to pay the amount of money requested, Neal calls back the nurse, and orders her to discontinue the doctor’s dialysis. Upon hearing this, Dr. Powell immediately offers to pay close to the thirty million that was asked. Neal, however, is apprehensive claiming that a transfer from his account would raise flags, but the doctor assures him that it would be untraceable for it was created to siphon money from his charity. In his desperation, Dr. Powell gives him the account number and his password. As soon as Neal left his room, his dialysis machine stops working causing the doctor to panic, but then realizes that the machine was not hooked to his body. He steps out of the building only to find himself still in New York City with the FBI outside waiting for him.

Agent Burke with Caffrey informs June that Dr. Powell was put away, and they were able to make calls to the Registry to put her granddaughter back to her original spot afraid of the scandal leaking out. Peter’s work on the case as an agent is done, but his job as a husband still needs some work. Peter comes home to his wife, and uses the seduction techniques he learned on the job. Lucky for him, it works on Elizabeth too.

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Shawn 2.0 – Psych Transcript 5.8

2012-01-15T20:02:00.001-05:00

In 1990, young Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are playing basketball. Shawn fakes, and successfully shoots the ball.

Shawn: Yes!

Shawn does his victory dance.

Shawn: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! I cannot be defeated! Who else wants some?

Henry Spencer walks over to the boys.

Henry: I do.
Gus: Why can’t I ever beat him?
Henry: ‘cause you got no game, Gus. I’d stick to tapping. Ball up. All right, Shawn. First one to 11 wins. How much are you spotting me?
Henry: Nothing. Winners don’t need spots. You know what they need?
Gus: Steroids!
Henry: Nobody’s using that stuff, Gus, that’s just a rumor. They need to believe that they can be victorious no matter how tough the challenge. Now… Continue reading...

Henry passes the ball at Shawn.

Henry: Start believing.

Shawn dribbles then shoots. Henry blocks the ball effortlessly.

Henry: Get that weak-ass crap out of my face. This is my house!
Gus: Technically, it’s the bank’s.

Shawn dejectedly stares at his father.

Henry: You’re never going to improve in life if you keep competing with people who stink. No offense, Gus.
Gus: None taken.
Henry: You got to challenge yourself. If you don’t, complacency sets in, and bad things happen when we become complacent.

Present day, Shawn has fallen asleep while listening to an audio book.

Narrator: If you tell anyone my secret, Eden, my career will be over. We will be over, said Chase. Eden replied, I’d die before I’d let anyone you’re a shape-shifter, Doctor. If only Eden knew how prophetic those words would be.

There’s a beep.

Narrator: End of disk five of Internity.

Shawn’s cellphone rings. He looks at the screen and it’s the SBPD.
Later, Shawn and Gus are walking.

Shawn: Look, there’s a reason those books have sold almost 30 million copies, Gus.
Gus: Mostly to teenage girls.
Shawn: And adult males who enjoy reading stories about vampire doctors and their dysfunctional dating lives. You’re one to talk, Mr. “I bought Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! on DVD.”
Gus: There were fifteen deleted scenes, Shawn. Fifteen. You said you were going to the office last night to catch up on work.
Shawn: Which I did. Then I saw those beers in the fridge.
Gus: Our fridge doesn’t work.
Shawn: Yes, but 7-Eleven’s does. It is there that I saw the Internity audio books for sale, and decided the paperwork would have to wait.

Shawn and Gus enter a coffee shop.

Shawn: Hey, how did your date go with that chick who spells her name weird?
Gus: Her name is Kim, and she spells it K-I-M.
Shawn: Which is just obnoxious. It’s like if I was Shawn with three Ss.
Gus: You’re just jealous, because I’m in a relationship.
Shawn: Please, you’ve known her for six days.
Gus: Which have been pure magic. You know when you just know?
Sales Clerk: Great. You guys.
Shawn: Well, good morning to you, too, Minka.
Minka: Mmm-hmm.
Shawn: Gus will have his usual.
Minka: Six chocolate chip muffins and a chocolate milk.
Gus: Extra chocolaty.
Shawn: And I’ll take a baked good that I will be choosing momentarily, and a latte that your fine establishment will be paying for once I nail the trivia question that you put on that board, just like I do every morning.
Minka: Oh, except this one.
Shawn: I’m afraid your confidence reeks falser than your boyfriend’s ID which, FYI, I saw taped to the counter at 7-Eleven. Good luck to you.
Gus: Wait until you get a chance to meet Kim at the wedding on Saturday. You are going to love her.
Shawn: If you think that I’m going to be a third wheel to you and Kim with one “I”, then you’re nuts. I’m bringing my own date.
Gus: Who?
Shawn: I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with Gooliet.
Gus: Juliet?
Shawn: You nailed it on the first guess. That’s tight.
Gus: When did you ask her?
Shawn: I haven’t yet. I’m not worried. It’s a lock, she’ll say yes.
Gus: How do you know?
Shawn: A, she has no plans that night. B, there’s always been a sort of unspoken, sometimes spoken, thing between the two of us. And four, I happen to know she loves spontaneity. You know why? Because I can read women.
Gus: And she used to have that on her Facebook page.
Shawn: Which I read. Uh, I think it’s time to roll the dice.

Minka whistles to get Shawn and Gus’ attention.

Minka: Order’s ready. And so is today’s question.

Shawn reads the question on the chalkboard.

Shawn: How many times is the F-Bomb used in “The Usual Suspects”?

Shawn and Gus exclaim.

Shawn: Ooh, Minka, taking things up a notch. That might actually require some coffee.

Shawn feels his pockets.

Minka: Yeah, ah, ah. No googling.
Shawn: Don’t insult my intelligence.
Gus: Shawn.

Shawn clears his throat.

Shawn: Ninety-seven.
Guy: I actually believe it’s ninety-eight. Fenster dropped one after that line-up scene. Often gets mistaken for the word “Gug”, which isn’t even a word, but let’s be honest, it should be.
Shawn: What’s happening right here?
Minka: He’s right. It’s…It’s ninety-eight.
Shawn: What?
Minka: Uh? What can I get you? It’s on the house.
Guy: Oh, I’m actually good. I just came in to use your recycling bin.

The guys winks at Minka, and drops his water bottle in the recycling bin.

Shawn: Who the gug is that guy?
Minka: That’ll be 14.95.

Shawn and Gus are at the park.

Shawn: I’m still annoyed, Gus.
Gus: Who cares about the question? I can’t believe we’re working on the Lord’s Day.
Shawn: And Sunday for that matter.
Gus: Sunday is the Lord’s Day, Shawn. Lassie, I didn’t know you were playing golf today.

Detective Lassiter is wearing golf shoes, and a polo shirt.

Lassiter: I wasn’t.
Shawn: Jules, what do we got?
Jules: Lucy Friedman, seventy-year old female, found dead on her blanket after the Philharmonic last night, but she wasn’t discovered until this morning. We don’t know the cause yet.
Shawn: I do. Boredom.
Jules: I love the Philharmonic.
Shawn: Oh, me, too. I’m just kidding. Not.
Gus: Stop trying to single-handedly bring “Not” back into vogue.
Shawn: Okay. Not. I’m also going to bring back, “Said the liar.”
Gus: That one is even dumber.
Shawn: Said the liar.
Lassiter: There’s no visible marks or signs of struggle. Doesn’t look like foul play to me.

Shawn notices the bug anti-repellant on the old lady’s blanket. He remembers the different causes of death of two other senior citizens in the obituary. The first one was a man who collapsed while washing his car. The other one died while styling a client’s hair.

Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lassie, the psychic gods disagree. I’m sensing that there’s a direct link between this poor woman’s death, and the deaths of a Peter Hodges, and a Veronica Miler earlier this week.
Jules: And what link would that be?
Guy: All three died within close proximity of an aerosol can.

Shawn is shocked to have his thunder stolen by the same guy at the coffee shop.

Shawn: All right, who are you? And why do you keep stealing my moments?
Declan: I’m sorry, I’m Declan Rand, criminal profiler.
Lassiter: Right. Chief Vick said you’d be stopping by. I’m Detective Carlton Lassiter. This is my partner Juliet O’Hara and, eh.
Shawn: Criminal profiler, huh? Sounds like one of those job titles that only exists in cheesy TV shows.
Declan: No argument here. What is it that you do?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective.
Jules: You know what, he’s right about the aerosol cans. Hodges died holding a thing of vinyl protectant, and Miller was found within a feet of a can of hairspray.
Lassiter: So you ‘re saying this is a serial killer?
Declan: Well, the consistencies at each scene combined with the close timing of the deaths certainly makes it a possibility.

Shawn notices a homeless person lying on the grass.

Declan: Definitely recommend checking the contents of those cans.
Lassiter: I’ll make the call.
Jules: Thanks for the tip.
Declan: Oh, no, it’s my pleasure, Detective.
Shawn: Wow. Come here.

Shawn pulls Gus aside.

Shawn: Why don’t I like this guy?
Gus: I don’t know, maybe because he keeps stealing your thunder.
Shawn: Because his name is Declan. Don’t you find that utterly ridiculous?
Gus: No.
Shawn: That’s because your name’s Burton.
Gus: Can we get out of here?
Shawn: Not until I ask Jules to be my date to the wedding…
Gus: Now is not the time.
Shawn: Why not?
Gus: Well, for starters, there’s a dead boy ten yards away.
Shawn: Don’t be so old-fashioned. Jules! May I have a word?
Jules: Yeah, what’s up?
Shawn: Well, I know this is totally short notice, but I was wondering if, uh, you’d like to be my date to a friend’s wedding on Saturday.
Jules: Are you asking me out next to a dead person?
Gus: Told you.
Shawn: Yes, but I thought it would be okay since it doesn’t really smell.
Jules: Saturday, uh, I’d love to…
Shawn: Fantastic.
Jules: But I literally just made plans with someone else.
Shawn: What? Who?

Jules looks at Declan as he walks by, and he winks at her.

Shawn: Come on.
Jules: But if I had known…
Shawn: No. That’s fine.
Lassiter: O’Hara! Need you over here.
Jules: Okay, um, well, we should talk about this later, yeah?
Shawn: Yes, later.

Detective O’Hara goes over Detective Lassiter and Declan.

Shawn: I really don’t like the cut of that guy’s jib, Gus. Something about him. What is it?
Gus: Let’s see, smeart, knowledgeable of film, crime-solving machine. He’s Shawn 2.0.

Shawn and Gus are at the SBPD station.

Shawn: I don’t understand why you’re giving Declan all the credit for coming up with the fact there was poison in those cans when you know I had the exact same take.
Gus: So why didn’t you say anything?
Shawn: Because he beat me to the punch, Gus.
Gus: Just like with Juliet and the trivia question.
Shawn: You’re a big fat person.
Gus: No, I’m not.
Shawn: I know. I was trying to get you back for making me feel bad.
Jules: Shawn, hey.
Shawn: Hey, Jules.
Jules: Why are you talking like that?
Gus: Sometimes he over enunciates when he gets uncomfortable.
Shawn: I do not.
Jules: Can I talk to you for a second?
Shawn: Sure.
Jules: Um…listen, about yesterday. You know I was thinking about it, and I barely know Declan. I will reschedule with him if you really need a date to this wedding.

Shawn laughs.

Shawn: No, no, no, Jules, I don’t need a date. I only asked you that because I thought you might be looking for something to do this weekend. You know? Finding another date would be no problem. Trust me.
Jules: Oh, good. I’m glad.
Shawn: Yeah.

Jules walks away annoyed. Shawn walks over to Gus.

Shawn: Did you hear that?
Gus: Every ill-conceived word.
Shawn: Now, I have to find a date to this thing.
Gus: Yeah, you do.
Chief: Okay, listen up! If you haven’t heard already we have a potential serial killer on the loose who has poisoned three victims within five days. Now your department heads will brief you on the specifics, but what you need to know right now is that every officer here is on this case. All precinct resources will be made available to you including outside consultants.
Henry: Specifically, we’ll be bringing in Psych because of their experience working with serial killers.
Shawn: We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekends.
Gus: They’re usually very dark.
Henry: We’re also hiring Declan Rand.
Declan: Hello.
Henry: Highly trained criminal profiler who also brought us our first big break in the case.
Shawn: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Chief: He’s going to share with us his initial profile of the suspect. We will not have another serial killer loose on our streets.
Declan: Thank you. Thank you, Karen. Now, uh, each of the victims were killed with hemlock, a poison that, in addition to being a lot of fun to say, don’t take my word for it…
All: Hemlock.
Declan: Works by slowly shutting down the immune system, creating an almost peaceful death.

Shawn whispers to himself.

Shawn: Hemlock.
Declan: And given that the victims were all over the age of sixty, and suffering from major illnesses, I believe our killer could have euthanistic intentions.
Lassiter: You mean, like, mercy killings?
Declan: Exactly, and it’s my estimation they were committed by a female in her mid-30s. Most likely suffering from an overwhelming compassionate side.
Shawn: I know who it is.
Declan: Who?
Shawn: Alicia Silverstone. By the way, Declan, her first role was in the movie, The Crush.
Declan: Actually, that was her second role. She first did an uncredited appearance on The Wonder Years.
Shawn: She did. He’s right. He’s good.
Gus: Hemlock.
Chief: Okay, now that we’ve got that all cleared up, let’s go out there and get this guy or girl.
Declan: Can I?

Jules happily walks over to Declan. Shawn angrily forces his dad in his office.

Henry: What are you doing, Shawn?
Shawn: First, you hired two geriatric cops. Fine. Now, you bring in this hacky profiler with the world’s worst name, and the most impossibly dark eyelashes on any man ever.
Gus: Hemlock.
Shawn: Stop it. When are you going to realize that Gus and I are all you need?
Henry: All right, first of all, I agree about the name. But this guy is not a hack, Shawn. I have got glowing recommendations from two different chiefs of police. Check out his resume.

Henry hands Declan’s resume to Shawn then to Gus.

Gus: He has a masters in psychology and criminology from Harvard and an MBA.
Shawn: Get out of here, he’s got a monkey basketball league?
Henry: Shawn, this guy is good. I hope you’re up to the challenge.
Shawn: What are you talking about?
Henry: Oh, come on, kid, let’s face it, you’ve been sloppy lately. You’re showing up at crime scenes after a late night out.
Gus: Or in.
Henry: And you mailed in the last case I gave you. Literally.

Henry pulls up a piece of paper that reads “The Nanny Did it!! S.”

Shawn: My email was down. Besides, I was right, wasn’t I?
Henry: It doesn’t matter.
Shawn: How does that not matter?
Henry: The point is, if you want to hang with this guy, you’re going to have to up your game.
Shawn: Please. Declan Rand can’t touch my game. You know why? Because it’s on fire, and it’s covered with those little things that porcupines have.
Gus: Quills.
Shawn: You watch while I smoke this arrogant fool.

Shawn angrily steps out of his dad’s office.

Declan: Hey, guys, I just want to say I am blown away by the number of cases you’ve solved over the years. I just looked it up. It’s an honor and a pleasure to be working with both of you.
Shawn: Someone likes themselves.
Gus: Thanks, Declan.
Shawn: Yeah, man, I got to be honest, I’m just not a big believer in the ability to psychologically profile a complete stranger.
Declan: Well, I respect that, but I do it successfully all the time.
Shawn: Really? Try me.
Declan: I’d really prefer not to.
Shawn: Because you can’t.
Declan: Well, the truth is that…
Shawn: You’re not able.
Declan: You’re highly intelligent, but you’re shameful of that fact, so you play it down for the use of inappropriate behavior, and you live in fear of showing weakness so you hide behind a constant barrage of jokes and sarcasm.
Shawn: I agree. Not. Said the liar.
Declan: Not sure if those two go together. “Said the liar,” cancels “Not,” out.
Shawn: So does your face. What else?
Declan: I notice you overly enunciate words at times, which I suspect is some kind of nervous reaction to confrontation or awkwardness.
Shawn: Yeah. Couldn’t be further off.
Declan: Well, I tried.
Shawn: Take care.
Gus: He wasn’t off.
Shawn: I know.

Later, Shawn, Gus, Declan, Detectives Lassiter and O’Hara are at the morgue.

Medical Examiner: As you can see, we have the body of our victim from the park right here, and right here, we have Ms. Miller and Mr. Hodes.
Lassiter: What about that one?

Detective Lassiter points at the picture of a dead body that looks a lot like the medical examiner.

Medical Examiner: Oh, that’s a photo my 15-year-old daughter’s taken for her photography class.
Declan: Is that person you? Very observant, yes.
Medical Examiner: Yeah, it’s amazing what, really, a little ketchup and baby powder can do. Anyway, I think that I agree with Declan’s theory that these were all mercy killings.
Shawn: What? Look, Woody, we’re just looking for the facts here.
Gus: Since when?
Woody: You see, each of these victims was suffering from a life threatening disease.

Woody points at the picture of the murder victims.

Woody: Cirrhosis and advanced hepatitis, respectively. And Mrs. Friedman here was suffering from Wilson’s disease.
Shawn: Wilson’s disease?

Flashback ensues. Shawn was listening to the audio book while making a cocktail.

Narrator: “Your patient dying of Wilson’s disease is going to get a liver from the donor list,” exclaimed Chase. Eden was ecstatic. “But If I do the surgery, the blood loss will b enormous, because I will most likely drink half of it.” Eden was in a bind.
Shawn: Yeah, she was.

Flashback ends. Shawn whispers to Gus.

Shawn: You are never allowed to mock me for listening to those books again. I’m getting something.
Jules: What is it?
Shawn: Those were not mercy killings.

The team pays a visit to the UCSB Medical Center Donor Clinic.

Lassiter: I don’t know what in Sam’s hell this has to do with a transplant list, but I’m fairly certain it’s a waste of time.
Declan: Um, I say we trust Shawn’s instincts on this one.
Shawn: Said the liar.
Gus: He was supporting you.
Shawn: Really? Guess I jumped the gun.
Nurse: Excuse me, Detective? I believe this is what you were asking for. It’s a list of all the people in the area waiting for a liver transplant.
Lassiter: Crap.
Jules: What?
Lassiter: Look at the first three names.
Jules: Peter Hodges, Veronica Miller, Lucy Friedman.
Gus: Someone could be killing people off to move up the list.
Shawn: Exactly. Nice try, though, buddy.
Declan: Just out of curiousity, who’s the next person in line?
Jules: Catherine Bicks.
Declan: Age?
Jules: Thirty-five. She totally matches your profile.
Lassiter: Well done, Declan.
Shawn: “Well done, Declan?” Since when do you use first names?
Lassiter: We need to track this girl down.
Shawn: Hey, I’m the one that came up with the list thing.
Declan: Good work, Shawn.
Shawn: Shut up, Declan.

Shawn is at the Psych office calling up old dates.

Shawn: Krista, hey, Shawn Spencer here. Yes, I am the one who took you to that Dodgers game. Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, I did not run onto the field. I merely took a few steps to follow a foul ball. I ended up in center field after it ricocheted off a divider where I proceeded to make like Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. I realize that reference is lost on you. What are you doing on Saturday? Hello?

Gus arrives.

Gus: Please tell me you did not sleep here again last night.
Shawn: Nope. I got here half an hour ago to get stuff done. What? Tried to make some joe but our cofeemaker’s busted.
Gus: We don’t have a coffeemaker.
Shawn: What was I fiddling with for the last half hour?
Gus: What is all that?
Shawn: This? This right here? This is research I dug up on all the people that make up the transplant list.
Gus: Hmm. I got to say, Shawn, this is pretty impressive. Mmm-hmm. I guess your dad should hire ringers more often.
Shawn: Trust me on this, Declan is no ringer. Once I prove that the killer is someone on this list not named Catherine Bicks, everyone including Juliet, will realize that.
Gus: Okay, I get it, so you figured if you can win this case, then you’ll win Juliet.
Shawn: No, but if making Declan look sucky somehow diminishes his appeal in Juliet’s eyes, I’ll take it. Look, Gus, this isn’t personal.
Gus: You do realize everything you just said is the definition of personal, right?
Shawn: Not.

Shawn’s cell phone rings.

Shawn: Hello, Dad.
Henry: Catherine Bicks was spotted entering her house about an hour ago. You two have to get over there immediately. Shawn? Are you listening to me?

Shawn has his hand over the phone’s mic. Gus is standing in front of him holding a broken humidifier.

Gus: My humidifier looks nothing like a coffeemaker.
Shawn: I’ll buy you a new one.

The team are in front of Catherine Bick’s house. Declan is walking alongside Juliet.

Declan: To Catherine, she was justified in killing the people ahead of her on that list because unlike them she has her entire life ahead of her. We call it sociopathic rationalization.
Jules: Oh, I find that stuff fascinating.
Shawn: Me, too.
Gus: Don’t say, “Not”. None of those stupid expressions are coming back.
Shawn: That’s what they said about Hammer pants.
Gus: Which never came back.
Shawn: Why did I just buy three pair?
Gus: Because you’re an idiot.
Shawn: Because it’s Hammertime.
Gus: It’s never Hammertime, Shawn.
Shawn: I dare you to tell Hammer that.

Detective Lassiter knocks on Catherine Bicks’ front door. The woman opens the door, and is faced with the detective’s badge.

Catherine: Can I help you?
Jules: Catherine Bicks? We’d like to ask you a few questions about a recent string of murders in this area. Wow. Okay. Come on in.
Catherine: I’m not a suspect, am I?
Lassiter: I don’t know. Should you be?
Catherine: What? Listen, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I just need…

Catherine grabs her purse.

Lassiter: Ma’am, please keep your hands where I can see them.
Catherine: No, I just need to grab…

Detective Lassiter pulls out his gun, and points it at Catherine Bicks.

Lassiter: Put your hands in the air now!

Startled Catherine drops her bag, and puts her hand in the air. Shawn notices her luggage, and piled up mail. Jules inspects the woman’s purse.

Shawn: Catherine, hi. I’m sensing that you recently spent some time in Switzerland, is that correct?
Catherine: Yeah. I was visiting my liver specialist there.
Shawn: Mmm-hmm. Good two weeks or so.
Catherine: Two and a half.
Declan: You can prove that.
Catherine: My…my passport’s in my purse. That’s what I was reaching for before he pulled his giant gun out at me.

Detective O’Hara pulls out Catherine’s passport from her purse, and confirms the woman’s statement.

Jules: It’s stamped.

Detective Lassiter looks at the passport.

Lassiter: Catherine, I am so sorry. Um, you have yourself a great day, okay?

Shawn feigns a cough.

Shawn: Oops.

The team leaves the house except for Shawn. He notices the pictures on the mantle.

Shawn: You play softball. I play. Feels fun. This is probably a weird time to ask, but do you have plans on Saturday?

Gus returns, and pulls Shawn outside.

Declan: You sure we don’t want to ask her more questions? She was the precise match of my profile.
Lassiter: Your profile can kiss my big, round, white dumper, Declan. I do not enjoy pointing my gun at innocent women.
Jules: You don’t?
Lassiter: No. I’m not 29 anymore.
Shawn: It was a good effort, Declan.
Gus: I guess we should check the next person on the transplant list.
Jules: Yeah. That is a Leonard Jimenez. He lives at 19 Willow Street. That’s ten minutes from here.
Lassiter: Let’s go.
Shawn: Gus and I will meet you there.

Gus: Why the hell are we at a hotel?
Shawn: Because Leonard Jimenez died of liver cancer three days ago. I learned that in my research this morning.
Gus: So why didn’t you tell that to Lassiter and Juliet?
Shawn: Must have slipped my mind, Gus. Look, in the hour or so it takes them to put it together, I figure we’ll bust the next person on the list, who I know is the real killer and Declan can’t swoop in and steal my thunder, like the little thunder stealer he is.
Gus: You are an unbelievable person who is the next person on this list?
Shawn: That guy.

Shawn points at the signboard that displays the name Fitz Gurley.

Shawn and Gus enter the conference hall where a man is in the middle of his speech.

Emcee: Everyone here has ahandful of stores about ole Fitzy. I know I have about three handfuls, which doesn’t make any sense.
Shawn: Fitz looks scary, Gus.
Gus: Tha doesn’t mean he’s guilty, Shawn.
Shawn: Are you looking at him?
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Pure evil. Strong enough to overwhelm any one of our victims. Plus, he has an arrest record an we’ve gone on far less.
Gus: Well, how do you plan on apprehending him? It’s not like we have guns.
Shawn: No, but I have this.

Shawn pulls out a small hammer.

Gus: What are you going to do? Check his reflexes?
Shawn: It was the only weapon-like thing you had in the car.
Gus: Well, you better do something because we’re not being very discrete.
Shawn: You’re indiscrete.
Emcee: And he’s one of the kindest, most generous souls we’ve ever come across.

Shawn grabs the microphone from the emcee.

Shawn: I have a different kind of story about Fitz. Do you mind, Donny?
Emcee: My name’s Greg.
Shawn: One of illness, both mental and physical, and unrelenting greed. On the outside, he may look warm, kind, and like the coach from White Shadow, but on the inside is a cold, dark soul capable of taking the lives of others in order to save his own.

Gus notices the program on one of the tables, and learns that the man they thought to be Fitz Gurley is actually Klaus Munson.

Shawn: I’m afraid, members of the Joba Society, that your Fitzy…
Gus: Uh-oh.
Shawn: Is a cold blooded murderer.

Everyone gasps.

Gus runs to the stage, and whispers to Shawn.

Gus: That’s not Fitzy.
Shawn: Who’s Fitzy.

Shawn points to an old, frail guy sitting on a wheelchair. Shawn and Gus return to SBPD.

Henry: You embarrassed a well-respected, not to mention seriously ill member of our society, Shawn, at his own award ceremony.
Shawn: Who had an arrest record.
Henry: It involved a peaceful protest in the ‘60s.
Shawn: That was not specified in the Google info I received.
Lassiter: Plus the fact that you lied to us.
Shawn: It was a lie of omission, Lassie, there’s a difference. Come on. We made a mistake.
Gus: We?
Shawn: You’re right. Gus made a mistake. Look. It doesn’t make any sense to dwell on mistakes when there’s a murder on the loose. You don’t hear me bringing up Declan’s erroneous profile that resulted in Lassiter scaring the crap out of an innocent woman.
Declan: I appreciate that.
Chief: All right, listen up, we got a big break. We just had a man who came forward who claims to have witnessed a stranger switching Lucy Friedman’s insect repellent last night.
Shawn: Let me guess.

Shawn remembers the homeless guy at the park.

Shawn: He was homeless.
Chief: Yes, well done. He just sat with our sketch artist, and I believe we have the first look at our suspect.

Chief Vick shows them a sketch of a woman.

Jules: That kind of looks like Catherine Bicks.
Lassiter: Damn it. We had her.
Chief: You had her, and you just walked away without any further questions?
Lassiter: I pulled my gun on her.
Jules: She had a stamped passport that said she’d been out of the country for two weeks.
Chief: Clearly, it was a phony. No wonder she refused police protection. Come on, people. That was good work, Declan.
Delcan: Thank you. Thank you, Chief.
Jules: Yes. Good work, Declan. We never should have doubted you.

Shawn watches as Jules and Declan secretly hold hands.

Shawn: Gug.

Shawn is on the phone in front of Catherine Bicks’ house.

Shawn: No, it is. It’s going to be a blast and white. Okay. Look forward to seeing you, too, Gina. Bye-bye.
Gus: You did not just invite crazy Gina Rapach back to that wedding?
Shawn: Look, dude, I didn’t have a choice. The last girls I asked are either out of the country, recently married, or wanted for poisoning people.
Gus: When was the last time you even spoke to her?
Shawn: Mmm-mmm. I guess the night I was shot.
Gus: Gina is not the kind of girl to be messing with, Shawn. She is obsessed with you.
Shawn: Would you relax? It’s fine. She knows we’re only friends. It’s a one-off.

Gina was is jogging with her friend, and had just hung up the phone.

Gina: He’s going to marry me.

Detectives Lassiter and O’Hara step out of Catherine Bicks’ house.

Gus: Any luck.
Jules: No, looks like she took off about an hour ago.
Lassiter: She could be halfway to China by now.
Shawn: That puts her somewhere outside of Vegas.
Declan: Mmm, I’m betting she’s still close by.
Jules: Why is that?
Declan: This isn’t a person driven by fear or any emotion for that matter. I strongly suspect she’s suffering from a major depersonalization disorder.
Shawn: Where have I heard that term before?
Declan: DPD?
Shawn: No. Depersonalization thing.
Declan: It’s a disorder characterized by feeling detached from one’s own mental or emotional process. Catherine’s currently going through the motions of life without actually experiencing them.

Flashback ensues. Shawn is playing mini golf at the Psych office while listening to an audio book.

Narrator: Chase suffers from Depersonalization Disorder characterized by feeling detached from one’s mental or emotional process. He’s currently going through the motions of life without experiencing them. It’s as if he were a character in a movie.

Flashback ends.

Declan: It’s as if she were a character in a movie. Therefore, I anticipate her next move to be more logical than emotional.
Shawn: Do you, Declan?

Detective O’Hara’s phone rings, and answers it.

Jules: You got it.

Detective O’Hara hangs up the phone.

Jules: Chief wants us to regroup back at the station at 4 o’clock.
Lassiter: All right. Let’s break till then.
Declan: Great. See you guys there.
Shawn: Not if we see you first, buddy.
Gus: What do you got?
Shawn: Three things. One, I’m not the only closet chick-lit lover around here. Two, Declan’s a complete fraud. And “H,” he may just be our murderer.

Shawn and Gus are in the car following Declan.

Shawn: While you were annoyingly talking to Kim for the 9th time today. I was on the phone with Harvard who said that there is no record of Declan going there.
Gus: So the guy lied on his resume. If that makes someone a killer, then you’re Ted Bundy.
Shawn: Look, Gus, this isn’t about me or the fact that I wasn’t really a background dancer in the Thriller video. This is about Declan, a crazy serial killer who targeted the people on that list because he knew someone else would look guilty. This guy is pretending to be a criminal profiler so that he can steer us in that direction.
Gus: But you were the one who figured out they were all in need of a liver.
Shawn: Oh, now you want to admit that. Declan had the same information that I did. He just let me get there first. I know this man because he also listened to Internity.
Gus: Or read.
Shawn: I just said he didn’t go to Harvard, Gus.
Gus: I don’t know, Shawn, maybe you have a thing against profilers.
Shawn: He’s guilty. All right? And for the record, Lassie agrees.
Gus: Why would you consult Lassie?
Shawn: Because unlike you and Jules, he’s not smitten with this guy.
Gus: I’m not smitten.
Shawn: You’re Jimmy Smitten. Trust me, Gus. Everything you think you know about this guy is a lie.

Declan enters a mansion.

Shawn: Where the heck is he going?

Shawn and Gus sneak inside the mansion.

Gus: Once again, we’re on the verge of trying to apprehend a potential killer without a weapon.
Shawn: Don’t worry. I came prepared this time.

Declan hears Shawn and Gus bickering. He opens the front door to find Shawn holding a steak fork.

Shawn: Hello, Declan.
Declan: Hey, guys. Welcome to the barbeque I didn’t know I was throwing. Come on in.
Gus: Sweet place.
Shawn: Whose is it, Declan? If Declan’s even your real name. If it’s not, by the way, you made a ridiculous choice.
Declan: It’s mine.
Shawn: Right. Did you pay for it with all your profiler money/
Gus: I think he’s telling the truth, Shawn.
Shawn: Come on, Gus.

Gus was looking at the huge portrait of Declan hanging over the fireplace.

Shawn: What about this place could possibly make you say that? Other than the giant portrait of him hanging on the wall behind me now. Holy crap, you’re rich, huh?
Declan: Filthy, actually. Sorry, that’s a crass way of putting it. I’m seriously loaded.
Gus: That painting kind of makes you look like John Stamos.
Declan: Thank you. When do you plan on dropping that grill fork?
Shawn: As soon as you agree to tell us your real story.
Declan: Fair enough. Walk with me, Gentlemen. So about six years ago, I was running a small hedge fund, and I just decided to make a bunch of bets against the housing market. A few months later, bam, they’re backing a truck up to my house.

Curt Smith from Tears for Fears is by the swimming pool playing a guitar and singing.

Curt: Everybody wants to rule the…
Shawn: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!
Declan: Yes?
Shawn: Why is there a man who looks exactly like Curt Smith from Tears for Fears playing an acoustic set next to that tree and your swimming pool?
Declan: I’m sorry. I should have introduced you. Curt, meet Shawn and Gus.
Curt: Afternoon, gentlemen.
Shawn: Oh, dear God, it’s you. The real you. The fleshy you. I love you. Do you have any idea how much I love you?
Curt: I think I do now.
Declan: Yeah, I flew Curt in to play a party I was throwing this past weekend, but he just decided to stay a few extra days because we really hit it off, and he’s paying me. Yeah, but it’s mostly because we enjoy hanging, right?
Curt: It’s been a ball of fun. You are paying me, right?
Declan: Yes.
Curt: Well, because, uh…
Declan: Mad World. Mad World.

Curt Smith begins performing Mad World.

Curt: All around me are familiar…
Declan: I was saying it gets a little lonely around here. Anyway, so there I was in my late 30s, never having to worry about money again, so I decided to pursue a childhood dream.
Shawn: Criminal profiler?
Declan: No. Sushi chef. But the whole seven year thing, it was just too much. So then I thought how cool would it be to solve crime all day? And I knew all the stuff about psychology because my dad used to be a therapist.
Gus: Sounds familiar.
Declan: So I fudged a few qualifications and I gave it a shot, and it turns out I have a gift.

Curt Smith starts playing a new tune.

Curt: He had a gift for…
Declan: Curt, please, what did I say about going off book?

Curt Smith reluctantly returns to singing Mad World.

Curt: And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad…
Declan: Listen, you guys aren’t going to tell Chief Vick, are you?
Shawn: No, but you better damn well tell Juliet. She’s into you.
Declan: Cool, yeah, I’m into her. She’s awesome, but if I tell her, my career could be over and what would I have left?
Gus: Millions and millions of dollars.
Shawn: What’s your plan exactly? Just keep dating Juliet and keep the fact that you’re a complete phony a secret?
Gus: Isn’t that your plan?
Shawn: We’re not talking about me now.
Declan: I really hadn’t thought it out that far.
Shawn: Let me help you out. She’s not the kind of girl you mess with, all right? She’s the real deal. You either tell her you’re a fake criminal profiler or I will.
Declan: You do that then I’ll be forced to tell her you’re not a real psychic.

Shawn looks at Curt.

Shawn: A dramatic pause, really? Come on, Curt. That’s beneath you, man. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Declan: Oh, come on, Shawn, I’ve been onto you since the beginning. Don’t forget we read the same books.

Curt Smith sings a new song.

Curt: They have the same taste in…
Declan: Curt, for Christ’s sake, I say one thing, you do the other.
Shawn: Don’t sweat it. I still love you.
Curt: Could you just stop saying you love me?
Shawn: Done. And done. I do, though. Love you, that is.
Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: what? I love Curt Smith, and I don’t care who knows. I will sing it from the rooftops, Gus.

Curt Smith returns to singing “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”.

Curt: Everybody wants to rule the world…

Shawn and Gus speak to Henry.

Shawn: Dad, you’ve got to fire this guy. He is a fraud.
Henry: So are you.
Shawn: Yeah, but I’m a productive one.
Henry: So is he.
Gus: And he knows Tears for Fears.
Shawn: Half. He knows half of Tears for Fears. The half that I love. The half that I would do anything…
Gus: Shawn!
Henry: All right, look, Shawn, I can’t just fire him. There are no legal requirements one needs to call themselves a criminal profiler.
Shawn: Look, Dad, if this was about lighting a fire under me, it worked. Okay?
Henry: He gets results. Now why don’t you quit complaining to me, get your ass out there, like Declan, and start tracking down our murderer.
Shawn: You’re loving this, aren’t you?

Detective O’Hara barges in Henry’s office.

Jules: They just spotted Catherine Bicks walking through a parking garage.

The team rush over to the parking garage only to find Catheine Bicks lying on her blood, squatting beside her is Declan.

Shawn: Ah!
Delcan: Uh-oh.
Lassiter: You were right, Spencer. Declan Rand, you’re under arrest for the murder of Catherine Bicks.

Detective Lassiter enters the SBPD station with the handcuffed Declan.

Lassiter: You! Take this joker down to Interrogation Room A.

Declan tries to make eye contact with Jules, but she looks away.

Shawn: Yup, I always knew he was a no good murderer.
Gus: Shawn, you know very well he didn’t do it.
Shawn: Fine. I was wrong. Probably. Best kind of wrong. The kind that makes you feel good about yourself. What, Gus? What do you want me to do?
Gus: Help prove his innocence.
Shawn: All right. Starting Sunday after the wedding.
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Okay. Lassie.
Lassiter: What?
Shawn: Before you start your legally questionable interrogation techniques, may we have five minutes with Declan?
Lassiter: All right, you got five minutes, but then you tell him I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me.
Shawn: All right, Wyatt.

Shawn and Gus enter the interrogation room were Declan is waiting.

Shawn: Hey.
Declan: Guys, I’m so glad you’re here. Will you do me a huge favor? Will you check in on Curt and make sure he isn’t throwing a bender? Because I think he and that dude from Crowded House, I think they’re plotting something.
Shawn: Neil Finn? There’s no way we’re missing that.
Gus: What happened in that garage?
Declan: I don’t know. I heard on the police radio Catherine was spotted there, and I wanted to be there first to show you up a little, and then I arrived to find her laying dead. But why would the police think I was the murderer?
Shawn: Hmm. That is not important right now. Do you have any idea who else it may have been?
Declan: I wish. There’s no pattern to the murders anymore. The first three were poisoned, and Catherine died from a blow to the head.
Gus: Yeah, that’s weird.
Declan: Yeah, and get this Catherine almost appeared healthier than she did when we first saw her. You know, minus the whole dead thing.

Shawn remembers Catherine’s face when they first met her, and remembers seeing dark circles under her eyes.

Shawn: I got something.
Declan: Oh, come on, Shawn, it’s just us. There’s no need for this anymore.
Shawn: Seriously? You’re challenging me right now? I’m trying to help you.
Declan: I just thought it was ridiculous.
Shawn: So is your face.
Declan: Right, sorry. What you got?
Shawn: Stay tuned. Come on, Gus, let’s go have a conversation with our favorite weirdo.

Shawn and Gus pay a visit to Woody.

Woody: I don’t know how you do it, Shawn, but you were spot on.
Gus: About what?
Woody: A lot of things. My wife, for example, wasn’t just friends with that college freshman, and Catherine here wasn’t suffering from cirrhosis of the liver. In fact, prior to the head trauma that ended her life, she was the model of health.
Shawn: She applied makeup under her eyes the day that we saw her in order to appear sick.
Gus: Why?

Woody scoffs.

Woody: Same reason a middle-aged woman sleeps with the star lacrosse player.
Shawn: Those are completely unrelated, Woody.
Gus: And better yet, why would she want to get on the list for a new liver when hers was perfectly healthy?
Woody: How’d she get on it is a better question. There’s an intense screening process one has to go through. There is no way someone that healthy would get that far.
Shawn: Woody, is she a lefty or righty?
Woody: Oh, well, definitely a righty. Muscles in that arm are much more developed.

Shawn remembers the picture of a young girl holding a softball with her left hand.

Shawn: It wasn’t Catherine in the photo. Who uses the parking garage where she was killed?
Gus: An apartment complex. Why?
Shawn: I’ll tell you on the way. You’re wife’s also sleeping with her personal trainer.
Woody: Yeah, it’s okay. I approved that one.

The team goes to the apartment complex.

Shawn: I’m sensing the killer’s in Apartment 5.
Lassiter: You positive about this?
Shawn: Absolutely.

Detective Lassiter knocks on the door.

Lassiter: Open up! You better be right about this, Spencer.

Detective Lassiter kicks the front door open. They find someone sitting on a chair.

Lassiter: Put your hands up. Put your hands in the air. Put them up!

The woman complies. She swivels her chair.

Jules: Catherine?
Lassiter: What the hell is going on?
Shawn: Not Catherine. This is Maddy.
Jules: Her sister.
Shawn: Exactly. See, Maddy is the one with the severe liver problems, but she can’t qualify for a transplant list on account of her alcoholism.
Maddy: I’m not an alcoholic.
Shawn: Clearly. My apologies.
Gus: So she and Catherine hatched a plan.
Shawn: Maddy took her sister’s ID to a doctor so she could get put on the list
Gus: As Catherine. Now, all she had to do was wait for her number to be called and her life would be saved.
Shawn: But Maddy was getting sicker and more impatient when Catherine left the country she decided to start killing people on the list above her so that she could move up.
Maddy: They had all lived long lives.
Gus: Not the most sympathetic defense.
Shawn: Catherine got home, found out what she was doing, she confronted you in that parking garage.

Flashback ensues.

Catherine: You have got to go to the cops.
Maddy: We are not going to the cops, and if you think we are…
Catherine: You’re so selfish!
Maddy: I will not let you!

Maddy pushed her sister so hard that Catherine hit her head on the column.

Maddy: Catherine?

Flashback ends.

Shawn: And in a rage, you pushed her down. She banged her head. She died.
Maddy: I don’t know what happened.
Shawn: You pushed her down, she banged her head…
Gus: Shawn. A common side effect of severe liver failure is psychosis. She probably doesn’t even know what she’s doing.

Maddy sobs.

Back at the police station…

Declan: I owe you a huge, no, I mean, huge, Shawn. And as a token of my appreciation, I’m going to loan out Curt Smith for your buddy’s wedding.
Shawn: What? Don’t play with me.
Declan: Fair warning, though, he’s an angry drunk. I mean who throws a keytar into a jacuzzi?
Shawn: Oh, that’s money.
Declan: Listen. I’ve been thinking about what you were saying about Juliet, and it’s silly for anyone to keep a giant secret about themselves from someone they could potentially fall for, you know?
Shawn: I do, actually.
Declan: So, I’m going to come clean.
Shawn: Really? Because I was thinking about doing the same thing.
Declan: Really?
Shawn: Yeah, I was thinking maybe it’s time.
Jules: Time for what?
Shawn: Jules. Uh. Here’s the thing. Will you take a walk with me? Can you give us a sec?
Declan: I’m a fraud.
Jules: What?
Declan: I don’t have any fancy degrees from Harvard or years of experience as a profiler. I’m just a guy with a little knowledge of psychology and a love for catching bad guys. This whole persona I’m putting on, it’s a complete fake. I just thought it was important to tell you this because you strike me as the kind of person who appreciates honesty.
Jules: Wow. I don’t know what to say.
Declan: Let’s talk about it.

Jules shakes her head and walks away.

Declan: Or not. Well, that didn’t go very well, did it, Shawn?

Shawn is on his phone.

Shawn: Shh. Give me one second, Declan. Just one second here.

Shawn was texting Gina “Something came up. Have to cancel.”

Shawn: Done. This is actually the first time that I’m glad you beat me to the punch. I can’t thank you enough, man.
Declan: Well, you’ll get other opportunities to talk to her. Me not so much.

Jules walks back to Declan.

Jules: Listen, Declan, you’re right about one thing. There’s nothing I value more than honesty, and it does really bother me that you would lie like that, but I’m also just blown away that you could be just so forthcoming. Took a lot of guts.
Declan: Should we talk it out over coffee?
Shawn: I don’t think so. No.
Jules: Sure, but if you’re sitting on any other life secrets, now is the time to tell me.
Declan: Okay. I’m really rich.
Jules: Okay. I can deal with that.

Shawn receives a response from Gina that reads “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU”.

Curt Smith is singing at the wedding.

Curt: So glad we almost made it, so…

Curt stops singing to grab a glass of wine from the waiter.

Shawn: Wow. Curt’s really losing it.

Curt resumes singing.

Curt: Blah, blah, blah, blah wants to rule the…world.
Shawn: Gus! There you are. You missed the entire ceremony. Where’s Kim?
Gus: Man, we broke up.
Shawn: What? You’re kidding me? What happened?
Gus: I don’t know. We were out having a nice lunch today when out of nowhere she goes, “It’s like we don’t know each other anymore.”
Shawn: That’s because as of a week ago, you didn’t.
Gus: Man, this sucks. I can’t believe I’m single again.
Shawn: You know who can? Anyone who met you eight days ago.
Gus: How about showing some compassion, Shawn?
Shawn: Absolutely not. That whole thing was absurd. You’re a ridiculous person.
Gus: You’re a ridiculous person. How about that? What’s the latest with Gina? Has she tried to kill you yet for uninviting her to this wedding?
Shawn: No, because I came up with a fix.
Gina: This bffet is so good. Hi, Gus.
Gus: Hello, Gina.

Gus whispers to Shawn.

Gus: You have problems.
Shawn: Help me.
Gina: You’ve got to try the bruschetta, Shawn, seriously.
Shawn: I’d really prefer not to.
Gina: Oh, well, then I’ll be the only one with garlic breath, and it’ll be really gross when we make out later.
Shawn: Yes, it will.
Gina: Hmm.

Gina hands her plate to Gus, and starts making out with Shawn.

Shawn: Oh.

Curt sings.

Curt: He had a gift involving problem solving never backing down…

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Shawn 2.0” episode was written by Bill Callahan. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.

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The Arrangements – Mad Men Episode Summary 3.4

2012-01-08T18:31:00.001-05:00

Synopsis: Pete Campbell brings his affluent, but dimwitted friend Hoho to the office to discuss his plans of promoting Jai Alai in the United States. The mad men of Sterling Cooper take advantage of the gullible young man with money to burn. Meanwhile, Sally Draper is enjoying the company of grandpa Gene when tragedy strikes.

Episode Summary: With her shower broken, Peggy Olson temporarily stays at her sister’s house. She informs her about her decision to leave Brooklyn for Manhattan. Anita worries that it is too far from home with their mother already living at her house, but Peggy already has her mind set for it, and is in fact looking forward to live in the city. Continue reading...

Pete Campbell’s friend Hoho walks straight into a trap at Sterling Cooper. The filthy rich young man dreams of promoting his passion for the little known sport called Jai Alai. The mad men of Sterling Cooper immediately sees a defenseless prey with a lot of money to burn, and convinces him to sign a million dollar deal to bring Jai Alai into the American spotlight. Don Draper walks into the killing and is concerned with the idea of taking advantage of the gullible moneyed kid knowing that his shipping magnate father is closely connected with Bertram Cooper.

Gene Hofstadt sits down with Betty Draper to discuss with her the arrangements for when he is gone. This bothers Betty, but her father insists. Having taken him in, Gene makes it so that Betty is made the executor of his will. He also promises her her mother’s precious belongings. It only took them minutes to discuss the arrangements, but still it ended on a bad note with Gene criticizing her for marrying a man like Don and upsetting Betty for his lack of sensitivity, him knowing full well that talk about death upsets her so.

Don Draper gives Gene another reason to dislike him. Gene brings out a big box of his old things from the war, and shows its contents to Bobby. For every object in that box, Gene had a story to go with it most of which not suitable for a boy of Bobby’s age. Don lets pass a few that made him cringe, but could not let go of the one about the German soldier Gene had killed. To add to his disapproval, his father-in-law gives Bobby the dead man’s hat with the bullet hole, dried blood and all. Don orders his son not to keep it, but Gene insists and loses when Don personally takes the hat from his son. Gene continues with Bobby’s education with a story about the fan from a woman he met in the war.

The director for the Pepsi Patio commercial dropped out at the last minute with no replacement in place, Don assigns Salvatore Romano to take the job. Sal is thrilled with the opportunity. That night, his wife puts on a newly bought nightgown and seduces him, but he brushes her off using his work as an excuse. Kitty could sense that something is wrong, and has noticed it for months now. Sal once again uses his job as an alibi citing work anxiety as the cause for the change in his behavior. He tells her that his work as art director using illustrations is quickly being replaced by photography and segues to the new opportunity Don had given him, which at first exhilarated him, but now has just put more pressure on his work. As Sal demonstrates the shot ripped off of Bye Bye Birdie, Kitty realizes what’s wrong with her husband.

As per Don’s suggestion, Lane speaks to Bert Cooper about the business with Hoho, which immediately leads to a meeting with the rich kid’s father, Horace Cook. Bert advises to pull the plug on the deal, but much to their surprise Horace orders them not to do so. Horace is fully aware of his son’s worthless dream, and he believes that the young man will only look for another agency to fulfill it. He finds it best that Sterling Cooper do the work, and is resigned to find no success in it. Horace could only hope that his son swindles all of his money, and reaches rock bottom. He believes that only then will his son would come to a realization, and maybe finally make something of himself.

Peggy puts an ad on their office bulletin board looking for a roommate. The mad men of Sterling Cooper take advantage, and seek Lois Sadler’s help with their prank. Lois gives Peggy a ring, and reads off of Paul Kinsey’s script. Lois pretends to be this young woman from New Jersey who works in a tannery in Manhattan. She goes on telling Peggy that she does not keep pets for the tannery has rubbed off on her, and the smell makes them crazy. Peggy was about to turn her down, but has a change of heart when she learns that the woman’s face is badly burned. Finally, the young woman informs her that she needs help with going to the bathroom. All in the room guffaw, and Peggy at last realizes that all was a prank.

Sally Draper enjoys the company of her grandfather. He let her drive his car for one, and now he let’s her eat ice cream before dinner. The story about her self-conscious mother being fat was just icing on a cake. Moreover, Gene tells her that she reminds her of her beloved grandmother more than her mom. He remembers that her grandmother used to work as a drafter for an engineer, and believes that Sally unlike Betty can make something of herself.

Don has dinner with Hoho and Pete Campbell to sign the foolproof deal. Hoho goes on about his real dream of actually making something that would make his father proud. After the meeting with Horace, Don is very much aware that Hoho’s father expects nothing from this, and all of them know the outcome of this endeavor. Feeling sorry for the young man, Don advises Hoho to reevaluate his obsession with Jai Alai much to Pete’s chagrin. However, Don did not count on Hoho’s idiocy. The young man thought nothing of Don’s advice, but a sales tactic to win him over. It took no time to get all signatures for the deal, and the main office is very pleased.

Peggy takes down her ad from the bulletin board. Joan gives her advice on getting a roommate. Though a successful copywriter, Peggy failed miserably in writing a personal ad. Joan found her ad too businesslike, and hits the mark on seeing what Peggy really wants out of living in Manhattan. The young copywriter on her way up the ladder wants adventure, and she certainly should not be looking for someone from her office to go with her. Peggy wastes no time to rewrite her ad, and immediately gets a response from a pleasant, outgoing girl.

Gene drives his grandchildren to school, and tells his favorite grandchild to be all-dressed and ready for her ballet lesson by the time he picks her up. Sally and Bobby wait in front of the school when Betty drives up to fetch them. Sally waits in front of their house for the return of grandpa Gene when a police car pulls up in front. She calls her mother out, and the two of them receive the painful news that Gene passed away.

Sterling Cooper runs a reel of the Patio ad, which is an exact imitation of the opening scene of Bye Bye Birdie. Much to their surprise, the executives at Pepsi found it a failure though they fairly acknowledge that it is their idea. Confused as to how it could have failed, Roger Sterling sums it up simply as “It’s not Ann-Margret.” Sal has just come to Don’s office to apologize for letting him down when Don receives the call from Betty informing him of her father’s passing. Seeing how Sal sees himself to blame for the failed Patio pitch finds the need to appease the troubled art director by telling him that he can now call himself a commercial director, and it is the only good thing that came out of their work for the Patio campaign.

Peggy gives her mother a brand new television set to put her in a good mood before breaking the news of her moving to Manhattan, which is two hours away from home. Peggy’s mother, ever ungrateful, found the new television set a ruse that only made her feel cheap.

Sally takes her grandfather’s passing really hard, and no one consoles her for all are busy consoling Betty. Later that night, Don checks on Sally now fast asleep on her bed. He then goes to Gene’s room, and stows away his folding bed.

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Ferry Tale – Psych Transcript 5.7

2011-12-18T18:33:00.000-05:00

1990, young Shawn and Gus tie one of their legs to each other with a duct tape.

Gus: Nice.
Shawn: All right, Gus, we trained long and hard. Hours of practice after school. All those Joe Piscopo-endorsed protein shakes. It will all be worth it if we win that Mongoose BMX bike at the Police Department Picnic.
Gus: Yeah.
Shawn: You ready?
Gus: Mmm-hmm. Continue reading...

Shawn pulls out from his shirt pocket a stopwatch.

Shawn: Ready, set, go!

The two hop with their restrained legs across the field.

Shawn: Come on! We’re almost there. Keep it up! Inside, outside, inside, outside!
Gus: Yes!
Shawn: Yes! A new record! We’re definitely going to win that bike.
Gus: What’s up?
Shawn: Oh!
Gus: Wait, how do we decide who gets the bike?
Shawn: Good question. We could do eeny-meeny-miney-moe.

Gus laughs.

Gus: Don’t insult my intelligence. We can do rock-paper-scissors.
Shawn: Nah, too easy to cheat.
Gus: Well, we can share it.
Shawn: Of course not. Uh, I’ll race you for it.
Gus: All right.
Shawn: All right.
Gus: Oh!

Shawn and Gus with their legs still tied to each other run the opposite direction. Both fall on the ground.

Shawn and Gus: Really?
Shawn: Really?
Gus: Come on.
Shawn: No, you really.
Gus: No, no, no. You really? Because…
Shawn: I’m going home, Man.
Gus: No! I’m taping your face. Come here.

With their legs loose. Shawn runs away, and Gus runs after him.

Gus: Come here! I’m taping your face little boy. Come here!

Present day, Shawn and Gus board a ferry.

Shawn: Dude, if you had told me we were boarding a ferry to the Channel Islands to do environmental cleanup, obviously I would have said no.
Gus: That’s exactly what I told you.
Shawn: And what did I say?
Gus: You said no.
Shawn: Then why am I here?
Gus: Because you’re easily distracted.
Shawn: What? When it comes to mental focus, I’m sharper…

Gus pulls out a candy bar from his pocket.

Shawn: Ooh! Thanks, Man. I was starved. You know, when they say these things really satisfy, they are not lying. So packed…

The horn blares.

Shawn: Oh, Man.
Gus: And done.

Across Shawn and Gus are four prisoners in their orange jumpsuits are chained to each other. Shawn laughs.

Shawn: Check out those outfits.
Gus: Must be on work detail.
Shawn: No, I mean those outfits.

Shawn points with his mouth to the people with their large backpacks, shorts, and knee high socks.

Shawn: You maybe into the environment, Gus, but at least you’re not one of those dudes.

The guy wearing cargo shorts, knee-high socks, and rafter shoes looks at Gus.

D.C.: Hey, the Guster!
Gus: What’s happening?

D.C. laughs, and makes his way to Gus.

Gus: Long time no see, Man. How you doing?

Gus high-fives with him.

D.C.: How ya doin’? You remember my brother, don’t you?
Gus: Oh, of course I do, yeah.

D.C.’s brother gives Gus a hug.

Gus: Okay. Uh, guys, this is my friend, Shawn. He’ll be volunteering with us today. Shawn, this is Dan Carter and his brother Carl.
D.C.: Hola, Shawn. You can call me D.C.
C.C.: Me, C.C.
Shawn: No, oh. Oh, that’s cute. In order to reduce carbon emissions, you guys ask people not to use your first names?
Gus: Shawn. You have to forgive my friend, Shawn. He’s not very environmentally conscious.
D.C.: It’s okay, Gus, everyone’s entitled to their opinion.
Shawn: Before you go black Al Gore on me, you should know that your sea sickness patch fell off.
Gus: Okay, first of all, black Al Gore was your Halloween costume, not mine. And secondly, my seasick patch is right here.

Gus feels the patch on his neck, but finds that it isn’t there. Gus whimpers.

Shawn: Here we go. Let’s get you to a bathroom. Gentlemen.

Gus groans.

Shawn: It’s all right, Man. It’s okay. It’s all right.

Shawn helps Gus to the stairs.

Shawn: Stairs. Don’t go boneless on me, Gus. Do not go boneless.

Shawn and Gus are downstairs.

Gus: Sick man coming through!
Shawn: Move if you don’t want to get sprayed on. Come on. Move it!

The guard and the prisoners are outside the men’s room.

Guard: Wait, hold on.

The guard stops Shawn and Gus.

Guard: Hey, hold on a second. I’m sorry, you going to have to wait.
Shawn: You don’t understand. My friend has the equilibrium of a bumble bee. You got to let him in there.
Guard: No, you don’t understand. The State of California law says no one can occupy a restroom with furloughed felons, which is them, except for an armed escort, which is me. This guy here, these guys would peel that head like a grape. Not on my watch.
Gus: The head peel is my fourth greatest fear, Shawn. We can wait.
Shawn: Are you sure?
Gus: Mmm-hmm.
Shawn: We’ll wait.

A kid cuts the line to the men’s room.

Guard: Okay, I’m going to let little man go ahead.
Prisoners: Yeah, cool.
Guard: Get in, Son.

The kid enters the men’s room.

Shawn: What gives?
Guard: You didn’t see him doing his little pee-pee dance. Even they can see that. They’re felons, not animals. What’s the matter with you?

Gus is sweating, and is almost on his knees.

Shawn: Come on, Gus, I’ll take you to the other bathroom.

Gus and Shawn step out of the nurse’s station where Gus gets a new seasickness patch.

Gus: That should do it.
Shawn: One would certainly hope so.

Shawn and Gus walk passed the storage room where they here a muffled shout. They walk back to the front of the storage room.

Shawn: You heard that, right?
Gus: Yes.

Shawn opens the storage room only to find the prison guard, gagged and chained.

Shawn: Uh-oh.
Gus: Wait a second. If the prison guard is here, then where are the convicts?
Shawn: Gus, this is a prison break.

Shawn and Gus unchain the prison guard.

Shawn: You’re not so bad now. All right, what happened?
Guard: I don’t know. Shoot. One minute I’m checking the stalls after they finished, the next thing I know I got a knot on my head and I’m waking up in this closet.
Gus: Dude, where is your gun?
Guard: Oh, they probably turned it in for some books at the local community center. Where do you think it’s at, Man?
Shawn: Listen, we need to go upstairs, and tell everybody what happened.
Guard: No. No. No. The last thing we need is a panic on our hands. Man, that would put everybody in danger.
Gus: We need to call the police.
Shawn: That’s the sixth time you’ve said that today, and this time I actually agree with you.
Guard: I’m going to call the bridge and inform the captain.

Henry Spencer answers his office phone.

Henry: This is Henry Spencer.
Shawn on Phone: Dad, listen up, and listen carefully. Gus and I are on a ferry for some ridiculous environmental cleanup.
Gus: Do not editorialize, Shawn.
Shawn: Four prisoners on board on a work furlough. Now, they overtook their guard with relative ease, and we’re pretty sure they’re planning an escape. What should we do?
Henry: All right, all right, Shawn, listen to me, and I want you to listen carefully. You do not do anything. Do you understand? We’ll coordinate with the Coast Guard and intercept the vessel. In the meantime, I want you to stay in constant contact with me. Look, I’ll try, but cell coverage is spotty at best out here. Then don’t move. I’ll call you with our ETA. Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands. Got it.

Shawn hangs up, and speaks to the prison guard and Gus.

Shawn: We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.
Gus: Are you sure that’s what your dad said?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn’t broken. By the time the cops arrive these prisoners will be halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Gus: Halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean is the Pacific Ocean, Shawn.

The ferry groans.

Gus: What the heck is that? Why are we stopping?
Guard: I got to the Captain. You see, protocol says that he shuts down the engine then he locks off the bridge, so the convicts can’t get to him and hijack the ferry.
Shawn: That means they’re already scrambling, but whatever they’re going to do, they’re going to do it soon.
Guard: Hey, Man, all these dudes got at least twenty years or more. They got nothing to lose. They’ll do anything to get off his boat.
Shawn: Yeah? Well, we’re the only ones who can stop them.
Guard: Man, I guess I had you all wrong. Hey, look, Man, I owe you all an apology for the way I treated y’all back there. I just assumed y’all was just a couple of punk ass friends from grade school that like to get theyself in different situations then riff on things at other people’s expense, you know?

Gus and Shawn scoff.

Gus and Shawn: No.
Shawn: Couldn’t be further from the truth.
Gus: That’s the wrong tune.
Guard: I see, now y’all a couple of Gs.

Shawn laughs.

Guard: I could really use y’all.
Shawn: Yeah, yeah.
Guard: Craig, Man.

Craig, the prison guard, shakes the hands of Shawn and Gus.

Gus: Gus.
Shawn: Shawn. All right, so what’s our play, Craig?
Guard: What did you say?
Shawn: The play. What…what’s the play, Craig?

Craig enunciates his name.

Guard: Craig, Man.
Shawn: Craig.
Guard: Did you see “Friday”?
Shawn: Are you kidding me?

Shawn acts out a scene from “Friday”.

Shawn: “Mama! Mama! Man, you just got knocked the the…”
Gus: Really, Shawn?
Shawn: We want to be used. How can we help?
Guard: Oh, yeah. Y’all know where we can get some supplies?
Shawn: I believe we do.

The environmental group are meeting in one of the rooms.

D.C.: Then right after that we spent three months in the Amazon Rainforest.
C.C.: Amazon Rainforest.
D.C.: True that.

Shawn and Gus join the environmentalists.

D.C.: Hey, the Guster.

Shawn filches a bundle of rope from the environmentalists’ stash.

C.C.: Guster.
D.C.: We were teaching the natives how to compost.

Shawn and Gus casually walks out of the room.

C.C.: In hindsight, I think all they really wanted was food.
D.C.: Why would you say that, Carl?

Shawn goes back to steal a kid’s backpack.

C.C.: Well, they were hungry.

Craig is hiding underneath the stairs.

Craig: Psst!

Gus followed by Shawn goes over to him.

Craig: What you got?
Gus: Here.

Craig goes through the contents of the mountaineer’s backpack that Gus stole from the environmentalists.

Craig: Oh, yeah, this’ll work. Ah! Binoculars, yes. Walkies, yes. Binoculars, walkies, hemp rope.
Gus: Is there by chance a hemp rifle in there? Let’s not forget the armed part of armed and dangerous.
Shawn: Or the John Candy part.
Gus: Shawn, what are you doing right now?
Shawn: Eating fruit roll up.
Craig: All right, Gus, we’re going to split up, use the walkies to communicate. Shawn, I want y’all to go up high, look out for anything, anything at all that would give you a clue as to these convicts’ whereabouts, like passengers acting funny or scared or blacked out windows. Anything.
Gus: Got it.
Shawn: Where are you going to be?
Craig: Once y’all radio me the convicts’ location, I’m going to isolate them from the civilians. And that’s when I’m going to make my move.
Gus: By yourself?
Craig: Oh, I got the Lord on my side, Brother.
Gus: I admire your faith.
Craig: Oh, yeah. Let’s bounce.

Shawn and Gus go upstairs, and find the four prisoners making their way to the lifeboat.

Shawn: There they are.

Gus speaks to his walkie talkie.

Gus: Uh, Craig, you there?
Shawn: You realize you’re using a radio voice? Not to be confused with your cell phone voice or your white dude voice.
Gus: I do not have a radio voice, Shawn.
Craig: Who is this?
Gus: Gus.
Craig: This don’t sound like you. You using some kind of radio voice or something, Man?
Gus: Listen, we have a visual on the suspects. They’re sneaking onto a lifeboat.
Craig: I’m on it. 10-4.
Gus: Cool.

Craig makes his way upstairs, but finds that the doors are locked.

Craig: Damn it!

Craig speaks to his walkie talkie.

Craig: Shawn, Gus! They sealed off all the doors to the outer deck.
Gus: Damn, okay. We’ll think of something.
Shawn: You ready?
Gus: Me?
Shawn: Hey, if I’m going to die, you better be right behind me or I will haunt your kitchen cabinets until he day you die.

Shawn and Gus climb up the roof.

Shawn: Watch the…

Gus steps on something that made a sound.

Shawn and Gus: Shhhh!

Shawn and Gus jump on to the deck where the prisoners are. One of the prisoners points a gun at them.

Prisoner #1: Get the hell out of here!

Shawn runs, and disengages the lifeboat. It falls on the water.
Prisoner #1: No!
Gus: How was that a possibly good idea?
Shawn: Sorry, prison dudes, we simply could not let you take that lifeboat. Now, you have no choice but to stay here, and wait for the police to take you in.
Prisoner #1: Actually, there is another choice.

Lassiter’s office phone rings.

Lassiter: Lassiter.
Shawn: Tell my dad I kind of took matters into my own hands.

The prisoners hold the passengers hostage. The police on their boats surround the ferry.

Chief: Okay, Mr. Northcutt, there’s a way this plays out where no one, including you or your fellow inmates, gets hurt, but first and foremost, we need confirmation that the hostages are safe.
Prisoner #1: Oh, they are, but if you want them to stay that way then you provide us with a fully fueled boat, a GPS de-scrambler, and assure us that no one’s going to follow us. Call me back when we’ve got a deal.
Chief: O’Hara, do we have that intel yet?
Jules: Dane Northcutt, Sanfus Sanders, Adam George, Gabriel Appel. Each has a multi-page rap sheet. The crimes range from grand larceny to armed robbery. They’ve been model prisoners up until now. This work furlough was a reward for good behavior.
Chief: They’re currently armed and considered very dangerous.
Jules: They all orchestrated being on work detail at the same time. I’m willing to bet this was their plan all along.
Lassiter: I don’t know what happened in there, but I do know this much, it was that jackass Spencer’s fault.
Henry: Lassiter, not really helpful right now.
Jules: Carlton, I’m sure that whatever Shawn did, it was because he felt he had no choice.

Inside the ferry, Gus speaks to Shawn.

Gus: Choice 17, you could have let them get in the boat, and left your phone in there to track it.
Craig: Choice 18, you could have set your mark-ass down somewhere, and let me handle it.
Gus: Choice 19, we could have gotten in the boat and got away!

One of the prisoners returns.

Prisoner #2: Everyone empty their pockets into this bag!
Shawn: Hey man, hey dude! Dude!
Prisoner #2: What?!
Shawn: Why don’t you let the women and children and men go?
Prisoner #2: Why don’t you shut up?
Shawn: All right.
Prisoner #2: Come on. Give it up. Come on. Give it up.
Shawn: We got to do something to let them know they can trust us. Give him the nod.
Gus: Shawn, the nod works when it’s me giving it to a brother behind the counter at Jamba Juice, not an armed convict.
Craig: Look, Man. We got to create an unexpected emergency. One they ain’t going to be able to handle that will throw them off and we can exploit that to break down their unity.
Shawn: What kind of emergency?
Gus: I got an idea.
Shawn: Does it involve a bear? I’ve got a better idea.

Shawn pulls out the three seasickness patches on Gus’ neck.

Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: Sorry.

Immediately, Gus feels queasy.

Gus: Mommy.

Gus falls on the floor.

Shawn: Help! Somebody! Somebody help!
Craig: Yo! Man down! Man down! Hey, hey, hey, hey…
Prisoner #3: What’s going on here?
Craig: Y’all two got to do something or dude is going to die.
Shawn: Stay with us, Gus. Hang in there, Buddy.
Craig: We losing him. We losing him, Man. Hey, hey, hostages start dropping up in here, cops going to be all over this piece.
Prisoner #1: You two pick him up.
Prisoner #3: What the hell are we supposed to do with him?
Prisoner #4: Yeah, man, we ain’t no doctors.
Prisoner #1: He’s just seasick. You freaking idiots. Just get him out of here.
Shawn: Don’t worry, Gus.

Shawn secretly hands Gus a patch.

Shawn: Here. Here’s another patch.

Gus whimpers. Two of the prisoners grab Gus.

Shawn: Okay, worry a little.

Two of the prisoners drag Gus out of the room. Prisoner #1 wipes sweat from his neck, and speaks to Prisoner #2.

Prisoner #1: You know what? I don’t like this. It’s taking the cops way too long to respond.
Prisoner #2: Yeah, way too long.

At the SBPD boat…

Chief: What’s the ETA on the snipers?
Lassiter: They’re almost in position.
Chief: Yeah, well, almost isn’t good enough.
Man on Radio: Boat three in position, with the snipers.
Officer: Have all vessels clear.

Inside the ferry…

Shawn: That’s it. They’re starting to break. This is my chance to convince them to let us go.
Craig: All right, listen, you got to come at these guys hard if you want them to respect you. Okay? No silliness, no random movie references.
Shawn: This is just like “Collateral.” Except I’m Jamie Foxx and you’re Tom Cruise. You’re Cruise.
Craig: You finished?
Shawn: Oh, yeah, I’m done.
Craig: You sure? You sure? Because if you’re not…
Shawn: I’m done. I promise.
Craig: No, ‘cause, see, you seem to think I ain’t got nothing else better to do with my time.
Shawn: We’re in this thing together. Please, finish what you were saying.
Craig: Only one way for you to come off hard. Take the last thing they said, and then you repeat it back to them, you know, like, an angry question.
Shawn: That doesn’t make any sense.

Craig repeats what Shawn said as an angry question.

Craig: That doesn’t make any sense?
Shawn: Oh, I stand corrected.
Craig: Oh, you stand corrected?
Shawn: Okay, I got it.
Craig: You sure?
Shawn: Yeah, yeah.
Craig: Because it’s subtle. You want to practice it?
Shawn: It’s not subtle. I got it.
Prisoner #1: The two of you need to shut up right now. I don’t want to shoot you.
Shawn: Oh, you don’t want to shoot us? You don’t want to shoot us? Man, how dare you say you don’t want to shoot us?
Prisoner #1: All right, all right, Man, just calm down. Damn.

Prisoner #1 kicks Shawn in the face. Shawn falls on the ground. Prisoner #1 & #2 drag him out of the room.

Prisoner #1: We told you to shut up.
Prisoner #3: Yo, we just saw the cops loading up two boats with snipers.
Prisoner #1: Damn it!

The two prisoners drop Shawn on the floor. Shawn groans.

Prisoner #3: You said if we went along with you, it would all be smooth. You didn’t say anything about no snipers.

Shawn notices the same tattoo on the two prisoners.

Prisoner #2: Yeah, man, he’s right. I ain’t trying to die. Look, Man, you ain’t the only one with a dime piece waiting for him out there.
Prisoner #1: You think I wanted this to happen?
Shawn: Hey, prison dude, cops aren’t playing around, okay? I think it’s time you rethink our plan. I’m sure they’d be willing to make a deal if you show them some good faith, a gesture, you know? Like that all the hostages are safe. That’s all they care about in these situations. Did you see “Dog Day”?
Prisoner #1: You’re right. You’re absolutely right.

The prisoners bring the hostages up on the outer deck.

Gus: Choice 21. You cold have used hypnosis to convince him to let us all go.
Shawn: Gus, I was hoping he would release the hostages, not use us as a human shield.

On the SBPD boat…

Chief: This is Vick. Yeah. We’re still working on getting you that boat.
Prisoner #1: Nice try, but it’s too late. You call off your snipers right now. You’ll see they have no clear shots.

Chief asks Carlton Lassiter to use his binoculars.

Lassiter: Damn it! They’re all in the way.
Chief: Okay, Mr. Northcutt, let’s just remain calm. There’s an easier way out if you just surrender now.
Northcutt: You listen to me! If we’re not provided that boat in 10 minutes! I’m going to start killing your hostages. You got that?
Jules: Chief, we have to listen to them. Two of our own are onboard.
Lassiter: Well, one and a half at best.
Henry: Still not helpful.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, you and I both know we have a strict policy of not negotiating in situations like this.
Henry: Chief. Make the call.
Chief: We’re going in.
Lassiter: The boys are going hot.

Northcutt who is actually Prisoner #1 and Prisoner #2 pushes D.C. and C.C. Northcutt points a gun at them.

Prisoner #2: Go!
C.C.: Oh, come on, Man, please.
D.C.: I voted for Obama!
Prisoner #2: Shut up! Move!
D.C.: Come on! Just take Carl.
Prisoner #2: Go! Go! Go!

D.C. and C.C. enter the inside of the ferry with the two prisoners following them inside.

D.C.: We’re environmentalists!

Gunshots are fired. Everybody exclaims. The SWAT team shoots teargases on to the outer deck. Everybody clamors. The SWAT team, and the police enter the ferry.

Lassiter: Guys, put these on.

Lassiter hands Shawn and Gus gasmasks. Another policeman hands Craig a gasmask.

Lassiter: Where are the other inmates?
Shawn: You have to go down! You have to go through the door and down!
Craig: Four! Four prisoners on this boat. I got four prisoners.

The police arrest the two prisoners on the outer deck, and caught the two inside.

Lassiter: All right, we got them!

Shawn notices that the two are D.C. and C.C. now donning the orange prison jumpsuit.

Shawn: No! Lassie, no!
Lassiter: What?
Shawn: Those two aren’t prisoners!
Lassiter: What the hell are you talking about?

The two prisoners who are now wearing D.C. and C.C.’s clothes are taken on stretchers, and on to the police’s medic boat. Northcutt points a gun at one of the police officers.

Shawn: They’re not prisoners!
Lassiter: Who are they?
Shawn: Um, D.C. and C.C.

The police gather around Chief Vick at the SBPD station.

Chief: All right, listen up, by the time we caught up with the stolen medic boat, Northcutt and Sanders had already made their escape. The hunt is now an inter-agency top priority, so we are coordinating everything with the Sheriff’s department as well as the Coast Guard. Your personal assignments have been sent to your inboxes.
Lassiter: Chief, anything on Northcutt or Sanders out of the Department of Corrections that can help us on this?
Shawn: I’ve got something, Chief. I’m sensing these men belong to a prison brotherhood, a small cadre if you will. This indicates there could be an accomplice who potentially aided in the escape of Northcutt and Sanfus Sanders.
Chief: Well, at this point I’ll take any lead that I can get. Okay, Mr. Spencer, let’s try to find other members if any even exist, and the rest of you, let’s get to work. We’ve got an hour or two at most to catch these guys and then they’re gone.
Shawn: Defense.

Gus sees Craig sitting on a chair at the station.

Shawn: What? What? What?
Gus: Hey, Man, what are you doing here?
Craig: I had to come in to give my statement to Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: That explains the long face. I know dealing with Lassie can be very unpleasant. Like crawling over broken glass or any kind of wiener surgery.
Craig: No, that’s not really it. The warden called. He fired me.
Shawn: What? Why?
Craig: Two dangerous convicts escaped on my watch.
Shawn: Oh, come on, I’m sure a snafu like that has happened at the prison before.
Craig: First time.
Shawn: Ooh. In that case…
Gus: Man, I’m really sorry.
Lassiter: I’m not. There’s no excuse for letting those men get the jump on you, and putting those civilians at risk. The very least, you should be bleeding to death from a bullet taken while trying to stop their escape.
Gus: Come on, Lassie, there’s no reason to kick a man when he’s already down.
Lassiter: That’s exactly when a man should be kicked, because that’s the only way he learns. The nuns taught me that.
Shawn: Wow. Lassie, the more I learn about you, the more I’m convinced you are the Penguin.
Gus: Except lankier.
Lassiter: Look, I do my job and put those animals behind bars. It was your job to keep them there.
Craig: Yeah, well, your next job is about to be that you better get up out of my face kind.
Lassiter: Gladly.

Detective Lassiter sniffs.

Lassiter: You reek of failure.
Shawn: What?
Craig: That gay dude is right. I am a failure. I messed up the only job I ever had. The only thing I know how to do is to be a prison guard. I got no other skills, and I’m supposed to be helping my mom and dad with their medical bills.
Gus: Hey, Man, look, often when one door closes, another even better door will open in the future.
Craig: Ah, whatever.
Shawn: Gus and I can give you some money.
Gus: That’s not the kind of door I was talking about.
Craig: Fellows, I appreciate it, but I can’t take your charity. That’s not how I was raised.
Shawn: I’m not talking about charity, Craig, I’m talking about giving you a job. The truth is we need you, Man. You knew more about Northcutt and Sanders than anybody. You help us find these guys, and we will split our fee for the case.
Gus: Still not the door I was talking about.
Craig: You know that might be cool. All right. Deal. Yeah.

Craig shakes Shawn’s hand.

Shawn: Craig is back! All right. Let’s get cracking, Man, to the blueberry.
Craig: I’ll get my coat and meet you in the parking lot.
Shawn: Man.
Craig: My man. Yeah, brother.
Shawn: Man, how’s he gonna fit in the car?
Gus: I don’t know. Shawn, I’m all about helping a brother out, but did you have to offer him half?
Shawn: Don’t worry. We’ll give him my half. It won’t cost you a cent.
Gus: Oh, so, now I’m the greedy miser? No, we’ll give him my half.
Shawn: And done.

Shawn, Gus, and Craig are at the Psych office.

Craig: All right, cool. Thanks, Hector. All right, so, my man who’s guarding Unit B said that Sanders and Northcutt formed the Tres Diablos five years ago with Northcutt’s cellmate. His name, Percy Dunn.
Shawn: Percy Dunn? The lightning thief.
Gus: No, that’s Percy Jackson, Shawn.
Shawn: Either way he could have helped them plot their escape. Let’s question him.
Craig: You ain’t getting nothing out of Dunn, Man. He been dead two years.
Shawn: Hmm.
Gus: Dunn. I feel like I saw that name in one of the escapee files.
Shawn: Come on, Gus, don’t say things just for the sake of making noise.
Gus: No. Here it is right here. Lorraine Dunn, 2409, Via Esperanza. She’s a volunteer GED tutor at the prison. And guess who’s been one of her regular students for the past two years? Northcutt.
Craig: Mmm. Mmm.
Shawn: To the blue…
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Berry.

Shawn, Gus, and Craig visit Lorraine Dunn.

Lorraine: I met Dane when he shared a cell with my late son, Percy.
Shawn: Hmm. Is that you and Percy there?
Lorraine: Yes. I used to work at the church, and Percy would help me clean the place after school. We didn’t make much money, but it was enough to put food on the table and keep Percy out of trouble. It’s no coincidence that when the church was boarded up, Percy started running with the gangs and we know how that ended. Dane really helped me with my grief after Percy passed away.
Shawn: The two of you got pretty close over the years.
Lorraine: Dane means the world to me.
Gus: Excuse me, what is the name of this drink?
Lorraine: It’s my homemade horchata.
Gus: It’s surprisingly tasty.
Lorraine: Gracias.
Shawn: Gus, do you mind? We’re sort of in the middle of something. Mrs. Dunn, this is muy importante. Did Dane try to contact you after he escaped custody?
Lorraine: No. He hasn’t.
Gus: You know what? I think I’ll have one more glass of this delicious horchata if you don’t mind.

Gus pours himself horchata, but it spills on the coffee table.

Lorraine: Oh! I just cleaned this table.

Lorraine grabs a rag from the laundry basket. Shawn notices that Northcutt’s handkerchief is in there.

Craig: Uh, Shawn, let me holler at you for a second.

Craig and Shawn go to a corner.

Craig: This cracker’s lying.
Shawn: I know, but, uh, cracker?
Craig: It’s Prison 101, Shawn. Convicts’ moms lie to protect their sons. You heard her. Northcutt is like her own flesh and blood. No way he would have left town without saying goodbye.
Craig looks at Lorraine who frantically cleans the coffee table with Pledge.

Craig: So how do you want to handle it?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective, remember?
Craig: Not really.
Shawn: Mrs. Dunn, I’m afraid you lied to us. Now, do we need to call the police? Because I happen to know a detective who doesn’t mind roughing up older women.
Lorraine: Okay. He was here. Dane was here earlier.
Shawn: What did he say? Where’s he headed?
Lorraine: He didn’t tell me. He just wanted to make sure I was okay, and to see the room where Percy grew up to pay his respects. That’s all. I swear.

Gus drinks up the horchata.

Shawn: Gus.

Gus, Shawn, and Craig visit Percy’s old room.

Gus: Wow. Miss Dunn isn’t much of a house cleaner for someone so trigger happy with their Pledge.

Shawn notices that the vent is slightly unscrewed. He looks inside.

Shawn: Gus, Craig, I’ve arrived at the following two conclusions. First, this is likely one of the largest pencils in North America.

Shawn holds up the pencil décor.

Gus: Agreed.
Shawn: and I know what Northcutt was looking for. A key, and he found it.

Craig, Shawn, and Gus speak to Chief Vick.

Shawn: Chief, I’m sensing the key that Northcutt found in the vent is also the key to where he is going. Pun intended.
Gus: It wasn’t a pun. You just used the same word twice.
Shawn: Noted and ignored.
Lassiter: I just got a tip from my CI. Two men matching the description of our suspects just hired an immigrant smuggler to get them out of the country. It’s fairly certain the vehicle being used in the job is a locally owned big rig set to leave Santa Barbara in two hours. What is this embarrassment to law enforcement doing here?
Craig: I’m about to kick your Ichabod-Crane-looking ass, that’s what.
Chief: Oh, enough. Enough! We are running short of time.
Lassiter: Let’s go. Come on.
Chief: Lassiter, I need you to track down ASAP every coyote that’s been busted in the last six months, and pull the manifest from every trucking company and independent contractor who has a rig that meets these criteria, please.
Lassiter: Yes, ma’am.
Craig: Yes, ma’am.
Lassiter: You’re so lucky she’s standing there.
Chief: Mr. Guster, Mr. Spencer, just go follow the key lead.
Shawn: You got it.
Gus: We on it.
Shawn: Let’s go, Baby.

Gus, Shawn, and Gus leave Chief’s office.

Shawn: We need to access Percy Dunn’s prison files. See if there’s anything in there to tell us what that key might be for.

Craig rushes to a computer.

Gus: Wow.
Shawn: Craig, I have an idea. Why don’t you use my dad’s computer?
Craig: My security code still works in the prison database.
Shawn: Sweet.
Craig: Percy Dunn. All right, it says here his last stretch was twenty years for armed robbery.
Gus: Dunn was involved in the California Federal heist of ’99. I remember reading about that. Something about it was never solved.
Craig: I heard there was a million dollars in cash hat was never recovered.
Shawn: Fellows, that’s it. Dunn and Northcutt were cellmates. Dunn knew he wasn’t going to make it so he told Northcutt where he stashed the million, and that is what the key’s for.

Craig admires the legs of Detective O’Hara.

Gus: But where’s the key to?
Shawn: Locker.
Gus: A storage room.
Shawn: Safety deposit box.
Jules: Hey, guys, any new leads?
Craig: How you feel, mama?
Gus: Dude, really?
Craig: She a dime piece.
Shawn: Dime piece? What is that, like an invisible stopwatch or a chocolate coin?
Jules: It’s a hot woman, a 10. And thank you.
Craig: Oh, yeah.

Detective O’Hara walks away. Craig gets up his chair, and drools.

Gus: Wow.

Shawn remembers something Prisoner #2 said. Flashback ensuses.

Prisoner #2: You ain’t the only one with a dime piece waiting for him out there.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: Dime piece. Northcutt has a girlfriend.

Shawn, Gus, and Craig interview Northcutt’s girlfriend.

Girlfriend: Look, I’m going to tell you boys the same thing that I told the cops, I haven’t seen or heard from Dane in weeks.
Craig: Um, Shawn, could I holler at you for a minute?

Shawn pulls up a throw pillow to cover his face.

Craig: She lying.
Shawn: I know. I also noticed you didn’t use cracker.
Craig: I’m complicated.

Shawn watches the woman’s kid as he starts playing with his toy car. Flashback ensues.

Prisoner #2: Everyone empty their pockets into this bag! Come on, give it up.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: Patty! I’m sensing that while you and Dane have had your fair share of problems in the past, recently he’s tried to be a much better father to Travis.
Patty: Okay, yeah, he came through here earlier. He was being all sweet to Travis, and talking about buying us a new place in a nice new neighborhood. He was even talking about going to church tonight.

Flashback ensues.

Lorraine: It’s no coincidence that after the church was boarded up, Percy started running with the gangs.

Shawn pulls up the throw pillow again, and whispers to Craig and Gus.

Shawn: I know where the money is, and I know what the key is for.
Gus: Thank you.

Shawn, Gus, and Craig enter the abandoned church that Lorraine talked about before. They see Northcutt and Prisoner #2 in there.

Shawn: Imagine lugging around all that dough. Do you have any idea how much a million in cash must weigh? Seriously, do you?
Gus: It’s not that much, Shawn.
Shawn: It’s like a hundred, a hundred stacks.
Gus: It probably weighs as much as a pumpkin.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.
Gus: Why did you ask? You asked me…

Shawn shushes Gus.

Shawn: We’ve got to stop those guys.
Gus: No, what we need to do is call Lassie and Juliet, and let them stop these guys.
Shawn: There’s no time.
Craig: I agree with Shawn. We need to make our move right now.
Gus: Fine.
Shawn: Everybody find something you can use as a weapon.

They all look around. Gus carries a thick bible. They silently walk towards the prisoners.

Northcutt: Oh, come on. Hurry up.

Prisoner #2 removes a plate on the floor, and with a smile takes out a garbage bag filled with cash. Shawn holds up a candle.

Gus: That’s what you picked as a weapon? A candle?
Shawn: What? Too waxy?
Gus: Here. Take this.

Gus hands Shawn the Bible.

Shawn: This is the Bible.
Gus: “As for the deeds of men, by the words of your lips I have kept from the paths of the violent.” Psalms 17:4.
Shawn: What?
Craig: Now let us go forth, and kick much ass. Craig 1:1.

Shawn attacks Prisoner #2 with the Bible. He falls on the floor. Northcutt points the gun at Shawn. Shawn hides behind the thick Holy Bible.

Craig: Better think about that little boy of yours, Northcutt.

Northcutt drops the gun, and puts his hand up.

Shawn: Gus, it worked. It’s a miracle.
Gus: No, Shawn, it’s not.

Shawn turns around, and finds Craig pointing a gun.

Craig: I’ll take that.

Shawn and Gus put their hands up.

Shawn: Craig?

Shawn and Gus are tied to a tombstone.

Gus: I can’t believe Craig turned on us like that.
Shawn: Really? That’s funny, seeing as how you’re the one that gave him the idea.
Gus: Excuse me?
Shawn: At the police department, you told him that he should have faith that good things will happen in his life, like, oh, I don’t know, finding a million dollars.
Gus: No, Shawn, I meant the kind of faith you find in the Bible. You know, like, “faith is the substance of things hoped for.”
Shawn: You’re not going to confuse me by switching languages.

The two prisoners were tied to a column.

Northcutt: Just so you punks know.
Shawn: What?
Northcutt: We’re gonna kill you, and then we’re going to get our money back from that hack.
Prisoner #2: And kill him. Yeah.

Gus and Shawn struggle to be free of their bindings.

Shawn: You’re not wriggling enough.
Gus: I’m wiggling as much as I can.
Shawn: Wriggling, Gus. Wriggling.
Gus: What difference does it make? I’m doing it as much as I can. Use your teeth to tear the tape.
Shawn: I just got them cleaned.
Gus: Shawn.

Northcutt is almost free.

Shawn: We’re going to have to come up with another way out of this.
Gus: I know.
Shawn: What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?
Gus: I’m about to die.

The two prisoners are free from the column, but are still bound together.

Shawn: What’s the second thing?
Gus: I’m about to die on an empty stomach.
Shawn: Man, what’s the third thing?
Gus: I don’t know. What do you want from me, Shawn, the cabinet?
Shawn and Gus: The cabinet!

The prisoners crawl on the floor.

Prisoner #2: We got the drop on you!

Shawn and Gus free themselves from the tombstone, but are still bound together.

Shawn: This way!

The two stand up, and hop on to the cabinet. They push the cabinet to fall on the two prisoners.

Shawn: Let’s go!
Gus: Let’s go!
Shawn: Let’s go!

Shawn and Gus with one of their legs still bound to each other, hop out of the church. They see Craig hopping on to Gus’ car.

Shawn: Whoa, no, Craig!
Shawn and Gus: Hey!
Gus:That’s a company car!
Shawn: Craig!
Gus: Damn!

Craig drives off with the money.

Shawn: Dude, if we go through those woods we can cut him off before he hits the bottom of the drive. The question is, do we still have our good stuff?
Gus: Of course we do. We can do this, Shawn.
Shawn: Damn right, we can. We’re the best there ever was.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Shared leg first.

Shawn and Gus hop through the woods.

Shawn: Syncopated breathing.

They trip on a stump, and scream like girls. They fall, and roll down a trail. Meanwhile, Craig is in the car guffawing.

Craig: Oh, hell no! No, no, no!

Shawn and Gus are lying on the road. They see the car approach, and scream like girls. The car screeches to a halt. Shawn and Gus whimper. Craig jumps out of the car.

Gus: Shawn! Shawn! Gus!
Craig: Come on.

Craig helps them up.

Craig: Oh, man, I’m so glad you two are all right. I mean, I could never live with myself if I hurt either one of you. Okay. Bye.

Craig rushes back to the car.

Shawn: What? Whoa, whoa! Isn’t this where you’re supposed to reconsider what you’re doing?
Craig: Why would I do that?
Gus: Because it’s wrong.
Shawn: You’re better than this, Craig.
Craig: I used to be. Hell, I had a good career. I was making around 40k a year with excellent benefits, but that’s all gone now. Hell, in this job climate I’d be lucky to land a part-time gig somewhere as a night watchman making 15.
Shawn: Dude, I had no idea it was so rough out there.
Gus: Yeah, it is.
Shawn: How much did we make last year?
Gus: I’m not telling you.
Shawn: That’s fair.
Craig: Hey, with this money I can take care of my parents, my grandparents, my aunties, my uncles, my little cousin, Brucey, and my aunt Merriam and them. I can get these corns removed, and I might even have a little left over to fulfill my lifelong dream, opening a wine bar in Bangkok.
Shawn: Those seem like worthy goals, Craig. The question you want to ask yourself, does Bangkok need another wine bar?
Gus: Seriously, Shawn? That’s the question you want to ask?
Shawn: I’m concerned that the Turkish market is a little over-saturated.
Gus: Bangkok is in Thailand, Shawn. The more important question is, Craig, do you want to throw away your entire life of doing right for this one wrong?
Shawn: Think about it. Now, give me the gun, Craig.
Craig: No.

Craig pulls out his gun, and shoots. Shawn and Gus scream. They look around, and found that Craig had shot the two prisoners.

Shawn: Yes! Yes!
Gus: Yes!
Shawn: What?

Craig hands the gun to Shawn.

Craig: Dude, I am so proud of you.
Shawn: I better call Lassie and Jules. Gus, you and Craig make sure those guys stay put.
Gus: You got it partner.

Craig runs to the prisoners. Gus does the same, forgetting that one of his legs is still bound with one of Shawn’s.

Shawn: Wait, wait, wait!

They fall on the ground.

Back at the SBPD station, the police escort the prisoners to their cells.

Shawn: Hope you enjoyed your furlough, fellas.
Gus: Because you won’t be getting your next one until forever.
Craig: Yeah, um, probably not a good idea to taunt violent criminals, fellas. You never know, they might escape, you know, get out some day, and believe me they hold grudges.
Shawn: Excuse the sarcasm.
Gus: Just kidding. Little joke.
Shawn: Messing around with you guys.
Craig: Hey, listen, I’m really sorry. I lost my head back there at the church. We probably can’t be friends after what I’ve done, but I hope you forgive me.
Shawn: Listen, Craig, everyone makes mistakes.
Gus: That’s what makes us human. The important thing is that in the end, you made the right choice.
Shawn: Sounds like the wrap up to a Scooby-Doo episode.
Gus: I know.
Shawn: I didn’t really…just to prove to you that we do not hold grudges, we are still going to split our fee with you.
Craig: I really appreciate that. I mean especially since I’m the one what owes you.
Gus: I know. That’s right.
Chief: Hey, sounds like things got a little hairy down at the church. What exactly happened?
Shawn: Well, Northcutt and Sanders there got the drop on Gus and I, which is rare.
Gus: Mmm-hmm.
Shawn: But luckily, Craig was there to save the day.
Gus: It was pretty cut and dry.
Chief: Well, great job, Officer. And I’ll have you know I’ve already spoken to the warden, and in light of your actions today, I think there’s an excellent chance that you’re going to get your job back.
Shawn: Boom.
Gus: What? See? I told you things work out if you just have a little faith.
Chief: And there’s more good news. There’s a hundred thousand dollar reward for returning the stolen money from the Cal Fed robbery.
Gus: What?
Chief: So, congratulations again, Craig.
Craig: Oh, it’s Craig.

The Chief enunciates the prison guard’s name.

Chief: Craig. Okay.
Shawn: Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Dude, that’s awesome!
Craig: Oh, wow!
Gus: I told you.
Craig: Gus, you were so right.
Gus: You see what I’m saying?
Craig: This turned out better than I could have ever imagined.
Shawn: A hundred Gs.
Craig: Okay.
Gus: Whoo.
Craig: Bye.
Shawn: Take care, Man. Wait a minute. Isn’t he forgetting something?
Gus: The part about how he owes us.
Shawn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Craig! No, no, no. No, no! Craig! Craig!

Shawn and Gus are at the Psych office.

Shawn: Dude, we got a postcard from Craig.

Craig is in Bangkok surrounded by hot Thai women.

Gus: Oh, I guess you were wrong about the Bangkok wine bar market.
Shawn: You know, technically half of that wine bar is ours. We should go over there and claim it.
Gus: Except we can’t afford the airfare, because you gave away half our fee.
Shawn: It was for a worthy cause.
Gus: Speaking of a worthy cause. There’s another environmental cleanup on the island this afternoon.
Shawn: Gus, I will tell you exactly the same thing I told you last time. No!
Gus: Cool. I get it.

Gus hands Shawn a Snickers bar. Shawn gasps.

Shawn: Thanks, Man. I’m starving.
Gus: It’s so easy.
Shawn: Packed with peanuts!

Shawn follows Gus.

Watch the Psych episode Ferry Tale
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This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Ferry Tale” episode was written by Saladin K. Patterson & Kell Cahoon. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.

My Old Kentucky Home – Mad Men Episode Summary 3.3

2011-12-11T17:44:00.000-05:00

Synopsis: Roger and Jane Sterling hold a lavish garden party at the country club, and invite a select few people from the office. Meanwhile, Peggy, Paul and Smitty were asked to spend a weekend at the office to work on the Bacardi account.

Episode Summary: Account informs creative that they have to work over the weekend to come up with five more vacation situations for Bacardi Rum, while they spend the weekend at Jane and Roger Sterling’s garden party. Learning that Harry Crane was invited as well, Paul Kinsey could not help but become annoyed at being overlooked. Continue reading...

Jane Sterling arrives at the office parading her new status as a senior partner’s wife. She bumps into her former colleagues at the secretary pool, and takes the opportunity to rub in her good fortune. Jane orders Joan to have one of the secretaries wait at the lobby to flag her chauffer for her.

It’s the weekend, and as expected of them, Paul, Peggy, and Smitty are at the office trying to come up with new copy for Bacardi Rum. Peggy is surprised to find her new secretary, Olive, in the office as well. Paul Kinsey continues to gripe about not being invited to the Sterlings’ garden party. Uninspired, Smitty suggests using marijuana as their muse, which Paul admitted to have been his when he wrote his senior thesis.

Joan Holloway is throwing a party for her husband’s boss and a colleague in an attempt to gain favor. Husband and wife quarrel at the table setting with Greg insisting that his boss sit at the head of the table, and Joan arguing that the host should have that place. Joan, ever so compromising, decides to hold a buffet instead.

Just as Don and Betty were about to leave for the party, Gene becomes hysterical having found that $5 is missing from his money clip. Knowing that her father is going senile, Betty supposes that he had just forgotten about the money unaware that Sally stole it. Don and a very pregnant Betty Draper arrive at the Sterlings’ lavish country club garden party. The Campbells, the Cranes, and Ken Cosgrove greet them. Immediately, the Cranes found something to chat about, since they recently just had a child. This made the Campbells who have been hoping to have children of their own uncomfortable. Luckily, Trudy Campbell and Betty have similar upbringing, and the young woman offers to give her a tour. Meanwhile, Pete Campbell is all work, pointing out to Don the different corporate executives. Don Draper advises him not to hand out his business card.

Upon the suggestion of Smitty, Paul phones his friend from college. Jeffrey Graves arrives with a bag of illegal drugs, and the men buy dope from him. All these transpired without Peggy in the room for she has fallen asleep on the couch in her office. Hours must have passed, and Olive is still in the office. The woman warns Peggy of what’s happening in Kinsey’s office without explicitly saying it. She advises her to just go home for it has become obvious that both Paul and Smitty have no intention of doing any work. Peggy Olson goes there anyway. The mad men scramble to hide what they have been doing, but the stench has seeped out of the room. Peggy Olson introduces herself to Paul’s friend, and to everyone’s surprise states that she wants to smoke marijuana. Smitty hands her pot, and she immediately smokes one.

Roger Sterling seems to be smoking one too as he steps up on the stage with shoe polish on his face, and starts singing “My Old Kentucky Home”. All the guests except for Don Draper enjoyed his little act. Don walks away, and into the bar. He orders an old-fashioned from whom he thought to be the bartender, but is actually also a guest. Don joins the old man behind the bar who introduces himself as Connie, and makes a drink for the both of them. Connie from San Antonio, New Mexico tells of the story of a mansion he used to paddle by on his Jon boat, one that threw parties similar to the one they are now. He confesses that no matter how wealthy he is, he still feels like a jackass in the company of his contemporaries. Surprisingly, Don Draper shares with this stranger bits and pieces of his past probably more than what his friends and colleagues knew. As a teenager, Don parked cars for a roadhouse that the affluent frequented. Being only a park attendant, he was not allowed to use their toilet, and so he used the trunks of their cars to relieve himself. He also tells Connie of his whereabouts. Ostensibly, Don was from Pennsylvania by way of Illinois claiming that his family ended up in coal country having lost their farm.

High from marijuana, the four struggles to move much less think. Things turn ugly when Jeffrey annoyed at being called a drug pusher makes fun of Paul’s phony English accent knowing full well that he came from a poor family in New Jersey. If not for a scholarship he received, Paul would not have the Princeton University education he boasts. Jeffrey challenges Paul to prove him wrong after claiming that he was kicked out of the Tiger Tones for not knowing how to sing. Paul, in fact, has a wonderful voice that prompted Peggy and Smitty to clap their hands in appreciation. With a little urging, Paul and Jeffrey perform a duet, and the two are friends again. Peggy watches in awe, and states that she is so high.

Joan and Greg’s guests arrive. The women join Joan in the kitchen to chat. They are impressed at the state of their house for they know how little these resident doctors make. In fact, the wife of Greg’s boss informs them that she and her husband lived in a pit when they were starting out. She also wants her not to get pregnant, which annoys the expectant wife of Greg’s colleague. The more optimistic wife gives Joan hope thinking that Greg will soon become chief resident doctor.

After having the whole household turning the house upside down looking for the $5 he claims to have been stolen, Gene continues to make a fuss about it and refuses to eat dinner. Hearing this, Sally pulls out the money from her sock, and throws it on the kitchen floor. She then calls everybody’s attention towards the money she found. As to her grandfather’s orders, she picks it up, and brings it to him. Carla fearfully watches as the young child goes over to her grandfather afraid of what the senile, old man might do. Gene just stares at the guilt-stricken child, and says nothing. Later that night, Sally fearfully says goodnight to her grandpa, but is relieved that he, though not saying anything, has forgiven her. He offers an olive branch, and asks the young child to continue reading where they left off.

Though very pregnant, a man makes a pass at Betty as she waits for Trudy outside of the ladies room. The man asks permission to feel her belly, and continues to flirt with her. Trudy is doing a terrific job entertaining Betty, and Jennifer would like to do the same. Harry finds this a terrible idea for he has nothing to chat to them about, but work. He was right for they awkwardly stood by the table just to inform the Drapers that they are having a good time. Luckily, the Sterlings with Cooper arrive to introduce them to Henry Francis and his date. Henry was the man flirting with Betty earlier.

The band puts on some old dance music, and the Campbells go to dance. Pete and Trudy dominate the dance floor impressing all the guests. The adorable Campbells unintentionally bump off the Cranes who have followed them to the dance floor clearly not knowing to do a proper Charleston. Annoyed with the attention the Campbells continue to receive, Jennifer Crane walks out.

The university education that both Smitty and Paul have was no match to Peggy of Miss Deaver’s Secretarial School’s talent. Still stoned, Peggy comes up with vacation situations for Bacardi Rum. Olive expresses her disappointment towards Peggy knowing that the young woman has been smoking pot with the mad men. The young woman sees right through the concerned secretary who was worried of Peggy losing her job, but she assures her that she is going to be just fine.

Greg’s colleagues and their wives are clearly impressed with Joan. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to feel the same way about Greg. This, both husband and wife, learn when his boss openly praises the out-going surgeon who has accepted a job in Texas. Greg’s expression changes as he was reminded by the failed laminectomy he performed. Misery loves company. To shift the embarrassment away from him, he decides to pass it on to his wife by forcing her to sing and play a tune with her accordion.

A very drunk Jane Sterling shows up at the buffet table as Betty Draper was getting some food. Don and Betty help her up as she struggles to keep her footing. Jane continues to talk, and nonchalantly recalls the time that Betty and Don separated. This upsets Betty who was unaware that someone else knew, and walks away. Don is left with Jane who asks him why he dislikes her. Roger sees the two, and asks what the scene was about. Moreover, he wonders why Don is upset with him. Most of the guests have left. Don is ready to leave, and looks for Betty. He finds her standing in the garden. He approaches her, and the two kiss passionately.

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Viagra Falls – Psych Transcript 5.6

2011-12-04T19:12:00.000-05:00

In 1990, Henry Spencer speaks with then Chief of Police Herb Wilkins.

Henry: Sir.
Herb: Henry, you screwed up.
Henry: With all due respect, Chief, I got the guy.
Herb: He had a partner.
Henry: And I’ll get him too.
Herb: You’re a detective now. Stakes are higher. I’m not here to ride you. You made a mistake. Own up. Don’t do it next time.
Henry: I’ll work overtime, Sir. I’ll fix this.
Herb: No, you won’t. I gave the case to Peters and Boone.
Henry: I get that. They’re the best we’ve got, but Sir, believe me, I can take…
Herb: You can leave now.
Henry: Yes, Sir. Continue reading...

Present day, Herb Wilkins is running for his life.

Herb: I’ve done business with some shady people in my day, but you two, you just might be the worst of the worst. Okay. You come and get me. I’ll squeeze the coward out of the both of you!

A gunshot is heard.

Shawn, Gus, and Henry are at the marina. Henry is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts.

Shawn: What’s today, casual Friday?
Henry: No, Shawn, it’s my day off. Chief wanted all living bodies on hand. You know who the victim is, don’t you?
Shawn: Santa Barbara’s oldest lobsterman?
Henry: No, Shawn, Herb Wilkins. Best chief this department’s ever had, and my boss for over 20 years.
Shawn: Well, here’s the good news, looks like he lived eight or nine decades before he met his maker.
Henry: I’m going to ask you to be respectful here.
Shawn: I will politely decline. Come on, Dad. I’m kidding. All right, I get it.

An old green convertible honks. Two old guys that resemble Shawn and Gus get out of the car.

Shawn: Who are the old guys?
Henry: Boone and Peters, veterans of the SBPD. Worked under Herb for many, many years. Volunteers these days. These guys are legends.
Shawn: So are leprechauns, but you don’t see them rolling out crime tape.
Henry: You guys wish you had one tenth of the knowledge these guys currently have.

Boone and Peters approach Henry.

Henry: Hey, buddy.
Peters: Henry.

Boone and Peters shake Henry’s hand.

Henry: Good to see you.
Peters: Right here.
Henry: Thank you.
Boone: Yeah.

Boone and Peters walks past Shawn and Gus without acknowledging them.

Shawn: Oh, come on, Dad, these guys are retired. The only thing they do now is keep minors from doing whip-its at the 7-Eleven.
Henry: These guys knew Herb better than anyone on the planet. Quit being a wiseass. You two might learn something here.
Shawn: The only thing I’m going to learn from those two is what time the HomeTown Buffet closes.
Gus: It closes at eight.

Shawn gives Gus a disgusted look.

Gus: What? It closes at 8:00, Shawn.

Police gather around the docked boat that holds the dead body of Herb Wilkins. The corpse is at the back of the boat sitting on a chair.

Chief: As many of you now know, the deceased is Herb Wilkins. He was SBPD’s Police Chief for 20 years, and we don’t know what this is yet, but Herb’s legacy is to be protected.

Shawn eyes the wrist of the corpse. Gus whispers to Shawn.

Gus: Looks like the poor guy offed himself.
Shawn: He definitely did not off himself.

Shawn makes a show.

Shawn: I’m having a clear vision on a cloudy day. Herb Wilkins did not…

Peters jumps aboard the boat.

Peters: Kill himself.

Shawn: Thank you, Mr. Peters, is it? If it’s all right with you, I’d like to continue. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the psychic detective for the…
Boone: Psychic? Son, we don’t mess with the devil. Now you better ride that goat with someone else.
Shawn: The devil? Really? All right, well, how else would I know that he…
Peters: Was wrapped up in duct tape? Which explains why he’s missing hair on his wrist.
Shawn: Sir, I’m doing my best to respect your legacy and your wisdom, the many world and civil wars that you have both seen and perhaps fought in…
Boone: And Herb was not killed on this boat.
Shawn: Chief, I can tell you definitively, Herb did not die on this boat.
Gus: Nope. Not on this boat. Nowhere near this boat.
Shawn: He was killed at another location, TBS.

Gus whispers to Shawn.

Gus: It’s TBD, Shawn.
Shawn: What’s TBS?
Gus: The Superstation.
Shawn: Is it really, though?
Gus: This is embarrassing.

Shawn resumes making a show.

Shawn: It’s fine. He hasn’t said anything. I didn’t already know. My theory will be proven correct after a quick inspection of Herb’s gun.

Peters pulls up Herb’s gun.

Shawn and Gus board the boat.

Peters: One problem there, Ricky Nelson, this is not Herb’s gun.
Shawn: And you know that how?
Peters: Because Herb went to bed every night with his favorite six-shooter.
Boone: And he named it Darla Saidman.
Gus: His gun was Jewish?
Boone: And Herb wouldn’t be caught having an affair with a Beretta.

Lassiter whispers to Jules.

Lassiter: You know I never named by gun. How about Mr. Thunderstick?
Peters: This Beretta was placed on the deck by the killer.
Boone: And the serial number’s filed off.
Peters: Which makes it untraceable.

Henry whispers to Chief Karen Vicks.

Henry: See what I’m talking about?
Chief: It’s a nice suggestion, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: Nah, I haven’t done anything yet, Chief.
Chief: No. I was speaking of your father suggesting that we bring down Peters and Boone.
Shawn: All right, listen up, folks! I will find this cop killer.
Peters: Wrong again, Rick. Herb was carried on this boat, one person under the arms, one person on the feet, which mean we are looking for two cop killers.

Gus and Shawn are at the SBPD station.

Shawn: So, once upon a time they were good cops. I have a gift, Gus, and you have me. Besides we’re both young and viral.
Gus: It’s virile, Shawn.
Shawn: The point is it’s a couple of old tortoises versus two young swift hares.
Gus: The tortoise won the race.
Shawn: Only because he was tired.
Gus: That makes no sense, Shawn.
Shawn: I think we should relax, take a load off, have some of my dad’s yum treats, and talk about why Meshach Taylor came back for Mannqeuin 2 when everyone else said no.
Chief: I want all teams in my office.

Peters, Boone, and Henry make their way to Chief’s office.

Shawn: No, no, no, Dad. Peters and Boone again?
Henry: I’ve officially brought them on as consultants for the case. Now get in here. The meeting’s starting. Come on. Come on.
Peters: Stay in the background. I’ll try not to embarrass you this time.
Shawn: I can embarrass myself just fine on my own.
Peters: You got that right, Rick.
Sawn: Mr. Peters, Sir, is there something about me that has rubbed you the wrong way? Perhaps my strong hairline or muscular haunches?
Peters: You and your sidekick are untrained pests. Floyd and I have very little patience with your malarkey, shenanigans or tomfoolery.
Shawn: The big three. Sure.
Chief: Do you mind if I start this meeting?
Shawn: By all means, Chief.
Chief: Okay, now, it’s all hands on deck. No talking to the press. I put a hold on all vacations.
Shawn: And Vacation sequels. I think the Griswolds have been through quite enough.
Chief: And I want to be kept in the loop on every detail on this case.

Gus speaks to Boone.

Gus: What’s up?
Boone: You looking for a handout?
Gus: I’m just being cordial.
Boone: You’re eyeballing my watch.
Gus: It’s a Casio.
Boone: You just proved my point, slick fingers.
Chief: Can we focus please? Okay, what do we have so far?
Lassiter: Well, we’re working on getting access to Herb’s house. We should be able to get in there by late this afternoon. We sent the prints pulled from the crime scene to the lab for processing.
Jules: And we spoke to Herb’s daughter, Caroline. She’s flying in from Boston to make arrangements. They haven’t spoken in years, so, I don’t think she’s going to be much help to the case.

Shawn walks out of the office. Henry follows him.

Henry: What?
Shawn: Do you realize that all Peters and Boone do now is play checkers at the park with other retired cops?
Henry: These guys are still the best. You saw the work they did down at the docks.
Shawn: It’s called luck.
Henry: Shawn, a good cop’s instincts never go away.
Shawn: Look, it is your fault that they are stomping all over my turf with their double-Velcro easy steppers! When a cop retires, he should stay retired.
Henry: What are you saying? That I should never have come out of retirement?

Gus steps out of the Chief’s office too.

Shawn: I am saying that it is time for you to take off the ‘70s goggles and see the world. The entire world has passed those guys by.
Henry: I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way about my coming back to work. Thank you very much.
Shawn: Oh, God.

Peters and Boone step out of the office.

Peters: We’re heading for Herb’s live bait shop. Dig up some clues.

Jules steps out. Boone speaks to her.

Boone: Hey Sweetie when we get back we’re going to need a fresh pot of Joe and a baker’s of glazed.
Jules: For the love of God, Boone, I am a detective.
Boone: Sure you are.
Shawn: We could leave in an hour and still beat them to the dock by four days.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn: Did you know Herb had a live bait shop?
Gus: No, I did not.
Shawn: Damn it.

Shawn and Gus arrive at the dock annoyed to find Peters and Boone already there.

Shawn: I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. This is a tough moment for us, Gus.
Gus: Yes, it is.

Peters and Boone speak to a man by the dock.

Peters: We have friends who saw you having words with Herb.
Man: Well, everyone had words with him. We bought bait at his shop all the time.
Peters: We heard he didn’t look every happy.
Man: Herb was never happy. He was a cranky old man.

Shawn and Gus walk the dock.

Shawn: We should avoid Peters and Boone until we have something juicy.
Gus: Then throw our something juicy in their faces.
Shawn: Like rotten peaches.
Gus: What? Where are we going to get peaches?
Shawn: Mmm-mmm, but I really like that idea.
Gus: Me, too. But I think we should get fresh peaches and eat them instead.
Shawn: Right in front of them.
Gus: Ooh!

Shawn and Gus reach Herb’s Bait and Tackle shop, and finds that the Pacific Treasures gift shop beside it is also closed. Shawn also notices that the door of the Pacific Treasures shop is actually unlocked.

Shawn: How about a churro?

Shawn and Gus approach the churros vendor.

Shawn: Hello, ma’am, my name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Imhotep or “He cometh in peace.”
Gus: Go ahead, show her your “Cometh in peace” face.
Shawn: We’d like to ask you a couple of questions about one of your fellow wharf-mates.
Woman: Yeah, I heard about Herb. It’s so sad.
Gus: Did he have any enemies that you know of?
Woman: No, I don’t think so.
Shawn: How about frenemies? Pret-enemies? How about Pal-holes?
Woman: Herb was pretty tough, but everybody respected him.
Shawn: So, you can’t think of anything unusual that was going on?
Woman: There was one thing I found odd. He was spending a lot of quality time with a young girl.
Gus: Is that right?
Shawn: What can you tell us about that little harlot?
Woman: Not much. Uh, long red hair, about 20 years old. I can’t remember her name. Samantha maybe? She works at the Pacific Treasures shop over there.
Shawn: Right over here?
Gus: Thank you. We’ll talk to her.
Woman: You won’t find her there. She hasn’t opened her shop the past few days.
Shawn and Gus: Really? Really.

Shawn and Gus approach Peters and Boone while eating their churros.

Boone: Okay, Randy, now what we’re gonna to play is a little game called damn good chance of you getting shot.
Peters: Tuck the shooter, Floyd.
Boone: Tuck it? This is how I do it, man.
Peters: I know this is how you do it, but this is not the time to do it. How you do it.
Boone; I ain’t tucking her once she’s out.
Peters: Tuck it, Floyd!
Gus: Should we step in?
Shawn: Just a little tiff, Gus. Besides, there’s no bullets in that gun.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: One in six chance.
Gus: Those are the exact odds, Shawn.
Peters: Well, the palm reader, and that guy who looks like a young LaWanda Page decided to join us.
Gus: LaWanda Page? From Sanford and Son?
Boone: You’re damn right. You let that hair grow out and you’ll look just like her.
Shawn: You do have a little LaWanda in the eyes, Gus.
Gus: Shut up, Shawn.
Randy: Can I go now?
Boone: Yeah, you can go. Hey, I’m gonna be watching you.
Peters: Me, too.

Randy walks away.

Shawn: Just for the record, I’m a psychic, not a palm reader.
Boone: What you are is 172 pounds of we don’t give a damn.

Boone pushes Shawn and Gus aside, and walks away.

Shawn: He’s good.
Peters: While you two guys were pussyfooting around, we rounded up a suspect.
Shawn: All right, just to clarify. Gus is the only one who pussyfoots. And in his defense, he has two bum knees and an Achilles’ heel.
Gus: Two Achilles heels.
Shawn: Really? It’s worse than I imagined, and we’re about to drop a humdinger on you, fellows. Turns out old Herb was playing adult ping-pong with a twenty-ish year old girl who works right here on the wharf.
Peters: Maybe they were friends.
Shawn: Would you take the bifocals off, Tom Landry? The man was shot execution style. He was having an affair with a young dame.
Gus: A young dame who didn’t show up to open up her shop in a few days.
Peters: I would think long and hard before I spoke again, Rick.
Boone: And you better think longer and harder and then not say squat.
Gus: That’s a high percentage of thinking to not talking.
Shawn: Oh, looky here, text from Jules. They got the okay to search Herb’s house. They’ll be there in about an hour. So I guess we’ll see you at Herb’s house in about an hour.

Peters and Boone hop in their car.

Peters: See ya!
Shawn: Wouldn’t want to be ya!

Shawn and Gus rush to sneak inside Herb’s house before the police arrives. Shawn imitates Peters.

Shawn: Only forty-five minutes until the search, Floyd.

Gus imitates Boone.

Gus: Good thing, Don. Early bird special just around the corner at Coco’s.

The two find that Peters and Boone once again beat them.

Shawn: Boone, what? You guys can’t do this. No, this was our move. We get here before the police, and we break the rules.
Peters: Hey, we were breaking the rules before they had rules.
Gus: Oh, so you have a copyright on breaking the rules?

Gus picks up a duffel bag.

Peters: We don’t disturb the scene. We do our search, leave no trace. Got it?
Shawn: Yeah, thanks.

Shawn and us observe Peters and Boone’s way of snooping around.

Shawn: Please tell me we don’t look like hat when we do our thing.
Gus: That’s exactly how we look.
Shawn: I think there’s a clue in that fish.
Gus: I think he knows that fish.
Shawn: I think he things the fish has information about Herb’s murder.
Peters: Floyd and I helped Herb catch the walleye, you germs.
Boone: Back in ’82, that man could reel them in like nobody’s business.
Peters: Oh, he sure could, Floyd.

Gus mocks Boone.

Gus: “That man could reel them in like nobody’s business.”

Shawn notices the lottery tickets on Herb’s desk, and a post it with a note “Second Wind” written on it.

Gus pulls out a pair of trunks from the bag.

Shawn: Oh, look at that. You and old Herb have the same swimsuit.
Gus: I wear a full-body Fastskin suit when I swim, Shawn. It increases my speed, endurance and buoyancy.
Shawn: No comment.

Shawn notices that one of the sliding doors is ajar, the rug is folded on the corner, and some cabinets are not fully closed.

Shawn: All right, I’m getting something. A man or men, a woman or women, perhaps pets, possibly feline, unwelcome in this house searching high and possibly low for something that Herb Wilkins, a man of many secrets and potentially lies, was hiding.
Peters: I’m getting sick and tired of you guys accusing Herb of misbehavior.
Boone: I’m feeing like I need my billy club and something to wipe off prints.
Peters: Okay, calm down. Maybe they’re right. But I guarantee you, whatever those perps were looking for, they did not find in this house.
Boone: Hey, Herb was the most careful, thorough man on the planet. If there was something important, something that people were after, there is no way he would have hid it in his home.
Gus: Well, where would he have kept it?

Peters and Boone walk away to speak among themselves.

Peters: All right, do you remember back in the old days, when we had really, really special evidence we kept it in a secret locker?
Boone: No.
Peters: Well, I’ll bet you whatever those perps were looking or is in Herb’s locker.
Shawn: Can we be heard that clearly?
Gus: I sure hope not.

Boone and Peters shake hands, and leave. Shawn and Gus laugh.

Shawn: Why do they shake hands like that?
Gus: I do not know.
Shawn: That’s so ridiculous.

Shawn and Gus bump fists.

Shawn: What!

Shawn notices a plaque up on Herb’s wall. “Santa Barbara Aquatic Center” is written on it.

Shawn: I know where Herb’s locker is.
Gus: Dud, you didn’t see their car right there?
Shawn: It clearly blends in with the landscaping, Gus…

Detectives O’Hara and Lassiter arrive.

Shawn: Shhh! Just act naturally.
Jules: You guys going to conduct the search with us?
Gus: Oh, I don’t know.
Shawn: We’re thinking about it.
Boone: Later.
Peters: Be right behind you.

Peters addresses Shawn and Gus.

Peters: I am telling you guys, do not follow us.
Shawn: We don’t need to follow you. I already know where Herb’s super shady suspicious locker is, because of this.

Shawn points to his temple.

Boone throws one of his shoe at Shawn and Gus.

Shawn: Did you just throw a loafer at me?
Gus: It was a Magnanni slip-on.
Shawn: What?
Gus: What? I know my loafers, Shawn, and I won’t apologize for it.
Peters: Floyd, I think you’re gonna need your shoe.

Shawn and Gus are at the locker room of the aquatic center. Peters and Boone are also there. Boone is breaking the lock of one of the lockers.

Peters: It’s not number nine, Floyd.
Boone: This is lucky number nine.
Peters: Isn’t that your lucky number?
Boone: No, that’s my favorite number.
Peters: You have a favorite number and a lucky number?
Boone: I don’t want to get into this with you right now, Don.
Shawn: Do we sound like that?
Gus: That’s exactly what we sound like.

Boone opens the locker. Peters inspects the wallet inside it.

Peters: Louis Shavarino. I told you it wasn’t number nine.
Boone: Man, you didn’t tell me nothing.
Shawn: Guys, would you like a little help from the palm reader?
Peters: We got it under control, Rick.
Gus: Looks like all Boone has is some baby powder and a bag of pretzels.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, I think we can use that. What kind of pretzels are those?
Boone: Snyder’s of Hanover. You get anything out of that?
Shawn: Yes. The hungries.
Boone: You can’t have these.

Shawn notices locker 022, and remembers that 22 is all over Herb’s lottery tickets.

Shawn: Gentlemen, I believe we are looking for lucky locker number 22.
Peters: Floyed will break into it.
Shawn: No, no, it’s all right. Gus can do it.
Boone: Oh, go ahead. Be proud. You can crack locks and steal things. Typical.
Gus: For your information, I used to have an online subscription to Safe Cracking magazine.
Boone: Hey, hey, hey, you disappoint me, Son.
Shawn: All right, look. I say this with great respect for Herb’s legacy, but let’s just recap, shall we. His house was burgled, he was shot execution style, he’s canoodling with some young vixen, and now we believe he’s throwing evidence in his secret locker. Is it at least possible he was living a double life?
Peters and Boone: No.

Gus successfully cracks the lock.

Shawn: Nice!

Shawn notices white stuff on the duffel bag inside the locker. He opens it, and finds drugs.

Shawn: Oh boy.

Back at the police station…

Shawn: There’s simply no easy way to say this. Though I don’t anticipate it being difficult to say. Herb Wilkins was the oldest drug kingpin in the history of the world.
Gus: Actually, Shawn, the oldsest drug kingpin is a guy named Armando…
Shawn: I can’t do this with you right now.
Peters: Maybe he was still working undercover.
Boone: Yeah. The great cops never truly retire.
Henry: These drugs are still circumstantial.
Chief: Agreed. But this is all starting to paint a worrisome picture.
Jules: I just got confirmation that Herb withdrew fifty thousand dollars from his saving account three days ago in cash.
Lassiter: Presumably to buy this surplus of nose candy.
Jules: Evidence points to a drug hit.
Chief: This is bad. This is really bad.
Henry: All right, guys, look, this is not the man we knew. You guys just do what you do best. Let’s get to the bottom of this. We owe it to Herb, huh?

Peters filches one of the evidences.

Jules: Detective, we know that you are hurting right now so if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.
Boone: You really mean that?
Jules: I do.
Boone: You mind picking up my duds? They’ll be ready at five sharp.
Jules: No, but I’ll pick your teeth up off the floor if you ask me that again. What could he possibly need dry-cleaned?
Shawn: Those crafty old devils. They swiped a book of matches from evidence.

Shawn looks out the window to find Peters and Boone rushing to their car. Peters even slides over the hood of the car.

Shawn: Let’s tail them.
Gus: How is it these guys beat us everywhere we go, but always drive as if we’re in a school zone?
Shawn: It’s like we’re following Richard Farnsworth in The Straight Story.
Gus: Except lawnmowers don’t have turn signals.
Shawn: What are they doing?

Peters and Boone stop in the middle of the road, and step out of their car.

Shawn: Roll them up.
Peters: It is in your best interest to stay away from us.

Shawn cracks a window.

Shawn: We’re on this case, too.
Boone: You’re just trying to take Herb’s good name.
Gus: We’re trying to catch a killer, same as you.
Boone: Same as me? Don’t you ever use the word, “same” and “me” and “you” in the same sentence again.
Gus: I didn’t put me in, it was just “same” and “you.”
Shawn: Look, I know you swiped the matchbook from evidence.
Peters: So?
Shawn: So, we were gonna do that. Just let us in on the lead.
Peters: You guys just don’t know when to quit, do you?
Shawn: No, Gus and I never know when to throw in the towel.
Gus: We’re ready for the next round.
Shawn: Ring the bell.
Gus: Ding. Ding.

Boone threatens Gus.

Shawn: Boone, relax. We don’t care what Herb was up to. Put our differences aside and work together on this. Okay? Between the four of us, we’ve got what? Over three hundred years of crime fighting under our belts. What do you say? We’re the apples. You’re the oranges.
Peters: We got to be the same fruit.
Shawn: Oh, that feels reasonable. So much that it’s fair, actually. How about grapples?

Peters looks at Boone.

Boone: I do love a good grapple, Don.

Peters and Boone shake hands.

Peters: Okay, it’s a deal. We’re the grapples.

Boone shows them the matchbook.

Gus: The Dollhouse?
Shawn: What’s a guy in his seventies doing visiting a nightclub that we can’t even get into?
Peters: Exactly.
Gus: Well, what are we waiting for?
Boone: Nighttime. When the place is actually open.
Gus: Ah.
Peters: The Dollhouse, nine o’clock. See ya!

Shawn imitates Peters.

Shawn: The good news is I got plenty of time to change into my club clothes, Floyd.

Gus imitates Boone.

Gus: You don’t have club clothes, Don.
Shawn: Exactly.

Gus and Shawn bump fists.

Gus: What!

Shawn and Gus arrive at The Dollhouse.

Shawn: Well, look at that. We beat Peters and Boone to the punch and it feels good.
Gus: Yeah, it does. Guess that means we got some time to kill.

Shawn and Gus dance.

Shawn: Oh, my God.

Shawn sees silhouettes of Peter and Boone watching a woman dance.

Gus: I really hope Boone doesn’t take out his gun on her.
Peters: We were right.
Boone: Yeah. Herb was in here several times with a hot young thing named Saralyn.
Peters: Her co-dancer said that Saralyn likes to hustle cash.
Shawn: I’m getting something.

Shawn remembers how the churros vendor described Saralyn.

Flashback ensues.

Woman: Long red hair, about 20 years old. She works at the Pacific Treasure shop over there.

Shawn: Saralyn was young, a young redhead.
Boone: How’d you do that?
Shawn: I’m also sensing she didn’t show up to any of her shifts this week.
Gus: I bet she’s the same girl that works at the Pacific Treasures shop at the wharf.
Boone: That’s right. See, that’s why Herb took fifty grand out of his account. He was being seduced and swindled by some young hussy.
Gus: But what about the bag of cocaine we found in Herb’s locker?
Shawn: He was probably dealing dope on the side. That’s why he had such a fat bank account.
Boone: No, no, no, no. You just hold on. We agreed to work with you two not more than two hours ago. Don’t make me take my shoe off again.
Shawn: Whoa, Floyd, you have to relax, man. You can’t be whipping shoes at people.

Shawn’s phone starts to ring.

Shawn: It’s Jules. I got to take this.

Shawn answers his phone.

Shawn: Give me the good stuff.
Jules: we got a match on the prints we took from Herb’s boat. They’re from a guy named Otto Derzius. A suspected drug dealer we’ve been keeping tabs on.
Shawn: All right, well, did you arrest him yet?
Jules: No, we’re on our way to get him. He owns a nightclub called The Dollhouse. You ever heard of it.
Shawn: No.
Jules: Shawn, where are you right now?
Shawn: Library.
Jules: Then what is that thumping noise?
Shawn: I don’t know what that is. It must be some sort of rush at the book drop.
Jules: Shawn, I know that you are at that club. Do not talk to Otto and do not search his office. That is an order, and pass it along to Peters and Boone.
Shawn: Copy.

Jules hangs up.

Shawn: Guys! Otto’s a big time drug dealer.
Gus, Peters, and Boone: What?!
Shawn: Otto, big time drug dealer.
Gus, Peters, and Boone: Who’s Otto?
Shawn: He’s the guy that runs this club.
Boone: Hey, I bet Saralyn and this Otto scumbag are a team.
Peters: Yeah. They swindled Herb and then killed him.
Shawn: Listen, the cops are on their way down here. We’ve been given strict orders not to talk to Otto or search his office.
Boone: We don’t want to wait around for that.
Shawn: Neither can we.

Shawn, Gus, Peter and Boone wait at the bar watching one of the bouncers.

Shawn: Dude, that guy looks like a Billy Zane action figure.
Gus: Yeah, he does.
Shawn: Wonder how much he costs.
Gus: He’s a grown ass man, Shawn, I doubt he’s for sale.
Shawn: Shouldn’t we at least ask?
Gus: Yeah.
Peters: We’re going to do a thing from the old days called bark and mark.
Gus: What’s a bark and mark?
Boone: For starters you two stand here barking like yappy dogs.
Shawn: That’s ridiculous. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna start a grease fire in the men’s bathroom.
Peters: Are you out of your mind?
Gus: How about we just go outside and find an open window?

Shawn, Peters, and Boone crawl inside the window. Gus hops inside and falls on the floor. They search the office.

Gus: Check this out.

Gus pulls up a gun.

Gus: The serial number on this gun has been filed off.
Peters: Just like the gun on the boat.

Shawn goes through a folder in the filing cabinet, and finds a sheet with “Second Wind” as its title. He remembers the title as the same one on Herb’s post it note. Peters opens the closet.

Peters: Well, what do we have here?
Boone: That’s the same type of bag we saw in Herb’s locker. We better find out where Otto is.
Gus: Dude, dude!
Shawn: What?

Gus grabs a beanie.

Gus: Check this out.

Gus puts on the beanie.

Gus: What!
Shawn: It looks good. It looks really good.

There’s a loud banging. Otto and his bouncer attack Peters and Boone.

Shawn: Hey! Hey!

Boone pulls out his gun, and the goons run away.

Shawn: You guys all right?
Peters: What are you waiting for? Come on, go get them!
Gus: Fine.

Shawn and Gus run after Otto and his bouncer.

Shawn: Part of me hopes we don’t catch up with Otto.
Gus: All of me hopes we don’t catch up with Otto.
Shawn: Ow! I pulled a hammy.
Gus: You’re just saying that because you don’t want to catch Otto.
Shawn: Dude, we’re barely jogging we have no chance in hell of catching Otto.

Gus exclaims.

Gus: I just pulled my hammy!

Shawn: You can’t use a fake hammy pull immediately after calling me out for using it.
Gus: No, I really pulled my ham…

Gunshots are heard. Gus jumps on the ground, while shawn hides behind a rail post.

Shawn: Talk to me, Gus!
Gus: I’m okay!
Shawn: All right.

Shawn and Gus approach the alley, and finds Otto dead on the ground.

Shawn: Well, we caught up to Otto.

Shawn and Gus, and Peters and Boone are in Chief Vick’s office.

Chief: The four of you are like an incompetence machine. You were given specific orders and you did the exact opposite.
Shawn: Chief, may I say something on behalf of myself and a teeny bit of Gus?
Henry: No.
Shawn: The psychic realm takes orders from no one, Chief. When I feel, I must act and sometimes that requires bending…over. You’re right. Carry on.
Chief: Otto Derzius. He was our prime suspect. He’s not much good to us now. And let me get this straight, you broke into Otto’s office and what did you get? Hmm? Mr. Guster, tell me, what did you get?
Gus: Nothing, Chief. We got a whole lot of nothing.
Chief: That’s right. Nothing. What about you, Mr. Boone? What did you get?

Boone puts on the table a bunch of papers.

Chief: Menus. Well done.
Peters: What did I tell you about the menus, Floyd?
Boone: Well, you know there are some new takeout places…
Peters: There’s a time and a place for snatching menus.
Boone: Oh, come on, man, you’re saying a man doesn’t have to eat?
Peters: No, I’m not saying we don’t need to eat.
Chief: Excuse me. You’re both fired. You’re off this investigation.
Shawn: Them’s the breaks. Sometimes you got to make the tough decisions.
Chief: Oh, you’re fired, too, Spencer. You’re all off this case.
Shawn and Gus: What?
Shawn: No. That’s…

Shawn, Gus, Peters and Boone step out of the office. Henry follows them out.

Chief: Henry? You stay.

Shawn: You know I’ve been fired from many jobs, Gus, many jobs.
Gus: Well, I haven’t.
Shawn: Most of them sat surprisingly well with me, but not this one. I repeat this one is not sitting well. We can still solve this case.
Gus: Oh no we can’t.
Shawn: By we, I mean us. By us, I mean them, because us plus them equals we.
Gus: Shawn, you need to just shut it down.
Shawn: No, we need to start it up. We need to reunite with Peters and Boone. Bring this baby home. You know what? I think we underestimated those guys.
Gus: Did you not see the handful of menus in Boone’s hand?
Shawn: Gus, we’ve been watching these old geezers from the start.
Gus: So?
Shawn: You know damn well he took more than just menus. Those guys are crafty. Boone is wily.
Gus: Wait a second. Just like the matchbooks.
Shawn: Exactly.
Gus: We need to find themnow.
Shawn: and by we you mean us and by us you mean them. It makes sense, Gus. You can’t think of it like numbers.

Shawn and Gus run to Boone and Peters at the park where the two are playing checkers.

Shawn: All right, listen up. We’ve had our differences in the past, but we’ve learned two very valuable lessons from you guys. One, it is never too early to start trimming our eyebrows. And two, good cop instincts never die.
Gus: And one thing I know for sure about you, Boone, is that you take one thing and give to the chief, like menus, and you take something else that we could actually use to solve this case.
Boone: Not bad, fellows. Take it.

Boone hands Shawn and Gus a book.

Boone: These are all the job applications for the girls at the Dollhouse.
Shawn: I knew it! You still have your good stuff. That means we have Saralyn’s address. Come on, let’s go search her house.
Gus: Let’s track her down.
Shawn: Redeem ourselves.

Shawn and Gus run away, but Peters and Boone just sit.

Shawn: Fellows! Look, I think you guys were right. Saralyn teamed up with Otto, they swindled Herb out of his 50K, and then they killed him.
Gus: And then that vixen killed Otto because she wanted to keep all the money for herself.
Peters: What about the cocaine we found in Herb’s locker?
Gus: Don’t worry about that for now.
Shawn: Come on, let’s do this.
Peters: We can’t. Floyd and I thought we missed the cop’s life, we thought we still had something left in the tank. But we actually believed that we could help you solve Herb’s murder.
Boone: Yeah, having punks smashing me in the knees with wooden bats and people spraying bullets all over the damn place. I’d rather just play my checkers.
Gus: Oh, okay, wait a second, wait a second. You guys are telling me that you want to quit because you got his with a sporting good?

Shawn notices that Saralyn’s emergency contact is Herb Wilkins.

Gus: Well, guess what? So do we.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. What kind of psycho con woman killer puts down her mark as an emergency contact?
Boone: My fourth wife, Maudine.
Shawn: Seriously, nobody else thinks this is weird?
Gus: Oh, no, it’s definitely weird.
Shawn: I don’t think Saralyn killed anybody. Guys, we have to find her. She is the key to this case and we can’t do it alone. We need two rock solid cops by our sides. It’s like I told Gus earlier, you are us and we are you, and you are them.

Shawn points to much older guys playing chess where one has fallen asleep on the board.

Shawn: And they are you and together we are all of it, man. We are al of it, Jack.
Gus: Okay, sometimes he doesn’t make any sense.
Boone: I get what he’s saying.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Thank you, Boone. I’m not asking you to do this for me. God knows I’m not asking you to do it for Gus. Do it for Herb. It’s time the four grapples got back together and cleared his good name.
Boone and Peters: We’re back.
Gus: Sweet.
Shawn: You were never gone.
Gus: Well, they were gone for twenty years.
Shawn: Fellows! Cars are this way.

Shawn, Gus, Peters and Boone knock on the door of a house. A woman opens the door,

Shawn: Hello there. My name is Shawn Spencer. I’m a psychic detective. This is my partner, Control-alt-delete. The gentlemen on the flank are us in thirty years.
Gus: Twenty years.
Boone: Sixty years.
Woman: What do you want?
Peters: We want to talk to you about Saralyn.
Woman: The cops were just here. I told them everything I know.
Shawn, Gus, Peters, and Boone: You’re lying.

Boone points his gun at the woman.

Woman: Okay. Okay. I didn’t tell the cops everything.
Gus: Uh, Boone, maybe you want to relax your trigger finger.
Shawn: Tuck it.
Gus: Now would you be so kind as to let us in so we can ask you a few questions?
Shawn: Thank you.
Peters: How’d you know she was lying?
Shawn: I’m a psychic, Peters.
Gus: How did you know she was lying?
Peters and Boone: She’s a woman.
Peters: Tel us everything you know about Saralyn’s involvement in the murder of Herb Wilkins.
Woman: I sued to walk at the dollhouse with Saralyn, and she said that she needed to make some extra money, so I told her about this job that I was doing for Otto on the side.
Shawn: Pacific Treasures.
Woman: Yeah. Look, all I can tell you is that a bag would appear inside the shop a few times a month, I delivered it to Otto. I didn’t ask any questions, but my only way out of the job was to find a girl to take over for me. Saralyn wanted to do it and it wasn’t supposed to be dangerous.
Boone: You win the worst friend ever award, Sweetie.
Woman: Trust me, I feel terrible.

Shawn remembers their search at Herb’s house. Flashback ensues.

Peters: Floyd and I helped Herb catch that…

Shawn remembers “Second Wind”.

Boone: Now what we’re going to play is a little game called damn god chance of you getting shot.

Shawn remembers seeing “Second Wind” as the name of the boat at the dock while Boone and Peters were interviewing Randy.

Boone: That’s the same type of bag we saw in Herb’s locker.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: It was salt. The drugs came in on a boat called The Double Whammy. No, that’s not, uh, twin keys. Mmm. Second Wind! That’s it. The name of the boat was the Second Wind. The drug lord would dock at the wharf, drop the bag of loot off at Pacific Treasures, and you and Saralyn were mules.

Shawn notices the picture of Saralyn and the woman on the table. He remembers the picture of Herb and his daughter at his house.

Shawn: Wait a second.

Flashback ensues.

Jules: We spoke to Herb’s daughter, Caroline. They haven’t spoken in years.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: Saralyn reminded Herb of his daughter, the one he hadn’t spoken to in years. They even had the same red hair.
Peters: Herb was trying to protect her. That’s why he took the 50Gs out of that account.
Boone: He was trying to buy her freedom.
Gus: What about the bag of coke we found in Herb’s locker?
Peters: Well, when he found out what she was up to, he didn’t want her to make that last delivery. I bet the farm on that.
Boone: That’s the Herb we knew.
Shawn: Did you ever get a look at this drug lord?
Woman: No, he was like a ghost.
Boone: Hey, he wasn’t no ghost. He’s a man. We’re gonna find him, and we’re gonna kill him.
Peters: We’re not gonna kill him, Floyd.
Boone: Don’t be so sure.
Shawn: All right. So what do we got? We got…we got this drug lord and Otto. They…they silenced Herb to protect their operation. Then we bring the heat on Otto, the drug lord cuts him down before he can talk.
Gus: Saralyn’s the last piece of the puzzle.
Peters: Yeah, we got to find out where Saralyn is. Can you help us out there, Jos?
Jos: I wish I could, but she packed a bag a few days ago and took off. It’s so sad. She was so close to a fresh start.

Shawn notices that the bed is made the same way as in Herb’s house.

Jos: She was supposed to graduate from school in a few weeks.
Shawn: Nursing school?
Jos: Yeah.
Shawn: I know where Saralyn’s hiding. Follow us to Herb’s house.

Peters and Boone, and Shawn and Gus knock on Herb’s door.

Peters: Saralyn, we know you’re in there.
Shawn: And we know you didin’t kill anybody. We’re here to help you.
Boone: Hey, you don’t come out this door, we’re gonna come through it.
Shawn: Damn, Gus. They still got it.
Gus: Yeah, they do.

Saralyn opens the door.

Saralyn: Go away. I don’t want your help.
Shawn: Yes, you do. We can protect you.
Saralyn: No. People try and help me, and they end up dead. Just leave me alone.

Shawn notices the keys hanging by the door, and remembers the lock to Pacific Treasures.. Flashback ensues.

Gus: I think we should get fresh peaches and eat them instead.

Flashback ends.

Peters: You listen to me, young lady, you’re in grave danger.
Saralyn: I know that. Just go away.

Saralyn closes the door, and the blinds.

Flashback ensuses.

Randy: Can I go now?
Boone: Yeah, you can go. I’m gonna be watching you.
Peters: Me too.

Shawn remembers seeing the same keys by Herb’s door hanging on Randy’s belt loop.

Shawn: I know who the drug lord slash killer is.

Inside the house, a gun is pointed at Saralyn. It’s Randy.

Peters, Boone, Shawn and Gus walk away from the house.

Shawn: Okay, does anyone actually believe that Saralyn is in that house alone?
Peters and Boone: No.
Shawn: What’s the plan?
Peters: Well, we could sneak through a window, and start a grease fire in the bathroom.
Boone: Do it Shawn and Gus style.
Gus: We could.
Shawn: What was the bark and mark again?

Inside the house, Randy points his gun to Saralyn’s head. Outside, Shawn barks like a dog. Gus barks like a small dog.

Randy: What in the hell?

Randy looks out the window to find Shawn and Gus hiding behind a plant, and barking.

Randy: You better get out of here before you get yourselves shot.
Shawn: Hold up! Hold up! We want you to offer a deal! Send out Saralyn, take my friend, Gus.
Gus: What?!
Randy: No deal!
Gus: Yeah, no deal!
Shawn: Fine. I’m calling the police.

Lassiter jumps the fence and into the alley. Jules is also already in the alley.

Randy: You dial. She dies.
Gus: Okay, okay, okay. Send her out. Take Shawn instead.
Randy: Get out of here, you idiots!
Shawn: Take Gus, he can pass for Omar Epps in restaurants.
Gus: Take Shawn, trust me, you’ll feel better about yourself in comparison.
Shawn: Where are those old timers?
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: All right, follow my lead. Age before beauty.
Gus: You’re four moths older than I am.
Shawn: Since when?
Gus: Since birth!
Randy: I’m going to have to shoot these morons.
Shawn: Man, why you gotta bring up stuff that happened thirty years ago?

Peters attacks Randy then Boone follows. Randy runs away. Jules hits him on the face with her gun. Jules puts her foot on Randy’s chest, while he’s lying on the ground, and points her gun at him.

Jules: You’re under arrest, punk!
Boone: Nice job, Detective.
Jules: Thank you.
Lassiter: Let’s go! Come on.

Randy pushes Lassiter. Peters punches him on the face. Boone punches him too.

Shawn: It’s the bark and mark.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Man, you think we’ll still be able to knock duded out cold when we’re in our sixties?
Gus: We can’t knock dudes out now.
Shawn: I hear that.

At the SBPD police station…

Chief: Let me start by saying that everyone did an incredible job today, and the fact that I fired all four consultants and they went ahead and pursued this case anyway is something that I’m choosing to forget. Herb was a good man and if I were in your shoes, I would have done exactly what you guys did and never given up on this case.
Gus: Thank you, Chief.
Shawn: Well, said.
Gus: It means a lot.
Chief: See, I was talking to Peters and Boone. You guys should have just stayed fired.
Peters: Nah, sis, without Rick and Gutzy here, Floyd and I would still be in the park playing checkers.
Boone: Yeah, they were the kick in the pants we needed.
Peters: Got a hell of a kid here, Henry.
Henry: Yeah, he’s all right. Sometimes.
Boone: And then there’s you.

Boone looks to Gus.

Boone: Standing tall, shirt tucked in a little tight, maybe a little too tight. But there’s confidence in your eyes and fire in your loins. You know, I’d be honored to take you in, Gus, if you got no parents.
Gus: That’s very kind of you, Boone, but I do have parents and I’m in my thirties, so I think I’m good.
Boone: Thank God for that. I can’t be taking in no strays, Don.
Peters: I’m with you there, Pal. Rick!

Peters and Boone shake Shawn and Gus’ hand.

McNab: We just got a call about a body downtown on Tremont Street. There are signs of foul play.

Peters and Boone look at Chief Vick. They make their way out.

Henry: Hey, whoa, whoa. You guys are the best there ever was, maybe the best there ever will be, but you do know that this was a onetime deal. All right?
Peters: Right, Henry.
Henry: All right.

Peters and Boone step out the office.

Gus: What are you gonna do with Saralyn?
Chief: I’m going to do everything I can to get leniency for her. Herb was looking out for a good girl with potential, and I will do the same.

Shawn looks out the window, and finds Peters and Boone rushing to their car.

Shawn: Are they? Those sneaky…holy crap.

Shawn and Gus rush out.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Viagra Falls” episode was written by Todd Harthan. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.

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To Have and To Hold – McLeod’s Daughters Episode Summary 2.9

2011-10-16T17:53:00.000-04:00

Synopsis: Peter Johnson returns to Drovers Run, and Claire McLeod falls for him once again. Claire’s friends disapprove of her decision to continue the affair, but Claire is unwilling to break it off. Tess is intentionally kept out of the loop about Claire and Peter’s relationship, and also about their café’s financial situation. Meanwhile, Brick pours out his feelings to Becky in a letter.

Episode Summary: Peter Johnson arrives at Drovers Run unaware that Claire McLeod had discovered his secret. Claire confronts him about his marriage, and confirms that Peter is indeed married. Claire ends her relationship with Peter despite his claims of having left his wife. She patches her relationship with Becky after learning that the young woman was telling the truth, and finds out from her that it was Harry Ryan who discovered that Peter is married. She also makes amends with the Ryan brothers, and informs them of her decision to end her affair with Peter. The only person kept out of the loop is Tess McLeod. Claire had decided not to tell her, knowing that her sister will forego her dream to come to her rescue. Little did she know that the café is far from what Tess dreamed it would be for the supposed booming Café Bardot is actually failing. Continue reading...

Later that night, Peter Johnson returns to Drovers Run to try and patch things up with Claire McLeod. He declares his love for Claire, and she falls for him once again. The women of Drovers Run are shocked to learn that Claire had taken Peter back, but does nothing to dissuade her for it is not their place to meddle. Alex Ryan, unaware that Claire had resumed her affair with the married man, attacks Peter only to find out that Peter and Claire are back together. Instead of realizing her bad decision even after learning that Peter also has kids, Claire sees her friends’ reaction as unwelcome, and warns Peter of receiving more cold shoulders from them.

As Claire had foreseen, Peter receives the first of the anticipated cold shoulder from Jodi who brings up his wife and kids during dinner. This, however, does not dissuade Claire from continuing her affair, and is more than willing to fend off her friends for Peter. Tess gives Claire a call at the most inopportune time, and finds that her call is unwelcome. Disappointed at being brushed off, Tess decides to immerse herself into city life, and spend the evening partying. Meanwhile, Claire and Peter continue with the foreplay, and receive another call, but this time it’s not from Tess. Peter’s wife had called to inform him that she is driving all the way from Queensland to Gungellan to discuss matters with him. Claire pretends not to be alarmed by this news.

After a visit to Wilgul, and hearing Alex’ disapproval of her affair, Claire finds the need to ask Meg’s opinion. Meg is surprised that the stubborn, strong-willed, young woman she saw grow up is asking for her advice. After some urging, Meg finally gives her a piece of her mind. She tells Claire that her relationship with Peter is never going to work, and that the road she has taken is a long and painful one.

As Tess is suffering the consequences of partying all night, she receives an unexpected visitor. Nick Ryan is a friendly face, Tess desperately needs to see. Briony immediately senses something between the two, which makes Simon uncomfortable. Tess invites Nick to a night of partying with her friends, and the country boy gets a dose of city life. After a night out in the town, Tess tells Nick to spend the night at the apartment that she and her friends share. Nick tells her that he did not come to the city for his doctor’s appointment, but he had made the trip just to see her. Unfortunately, Tess had already fallen asleep, and did not hear what he had said.

Despite hearing what her friends had to say, Claire still does not break off her affair with Peter, but is having second thoughts. She follows Peter to Gungellan where he is to meet his wife. Claire arrives in Gungellan, and sees Peter with his family. She finally realizes that it is not simply a marriage she is breaking, but it is a family that she is wrecking.

Brick is annoyed at Becky for not reading her letter unaware that the young woman cannot read. Becky asks Jodi to read it to her, but stops her after hearing the first sentence where Brick tells her of being hurt by her betrayal. Later, Becky tells him that the reason she has not read his letter is because she cannot read. Brick reads the letter to her, and Becky learns how much the young man cares for her. Brick is willing to be her friend even if she feels nothing for him. Luckily, Becky likes him the same way he likes her. The two finally goes on a real date. Brick and Becky spend the night lying on the ground looking at the stars.

After days of keeping it a secret from her, Tess finally learns that Café Bardot is on the verge of financial ruin. Tess’ solution is to change the menu to differentiate them from the rest. Café Bardot will now be serving good, hearty, belly-filling food; one that men prefer to eat. It is an insight she learned after spending time in the country. Simon is on-board with the idea, but Briony is not convinced. However, it is a change they have to test for their current situation shows no signs of turning for the better.

Peter returns to Drovers Run, and learns that Claire had followed him to town. Claire wanted to know if she could stand being the reason for breaking up a family. She makes a painful decision, and ends the affair with Peter. Claire confesses to still being in love with him, but seeing her daughters made her realize that Peter needs to be with his family for his daughters who loved him first. Claire sacrifices her love so that his daughters will not lose their father.

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Shawn and Gus in Drag (Racing) – Psych Transcript 5.5

2011-10-09T16:20:00.001-04:00

In 1990, young Shawn Spencer starts the engine of his father’s truck with young Burton Guster as his passenger.

Shawn: You ready?
Gus: Yep.

Shawn puts the truck in reverse, and begins to back up. He reaches for the brake, but he’s too short to reach it.

Shawn: Oh no. Oh no!
Gus: What?
Shawn: I can’t reach the brake! Gus, get down there and stop us.
Gus: Wait, why do I have to be the feet? How come you just can’t be taller? Continue reading...

Shawn’s father runs towards the driver’s side, and opens the door.

Henry: No, whoa, whoa, Shawn! What do you think you’re doing?
Shawn: Well, the important question is what are you doing home?
Henry: I’m a detective. New job. New hours.
Shawn: Can you write those down for me?
Henry: Give me the keys. Give me the keys.
Shawn: We were only going to go as far as the end of the driveway.
Henry: I don’t care how far you were gonna go, Shawn. You’re not old enough to drive. Get out. Out. Now!

Present day, a couple of men are in an alley.

Man #1: Right there. Right there.
Man on Radio: Copy. Load it in.

A sports car arrives. A man in ski mask points a gun at them.

Man in Ski Mask: Back away! Everybody back away!

The men run away. The man in ski mask runs over to the sports car.

Man in Ski Mask: Come on. Get out of the car. Out of the car.

The driver reluctantly hops out of the car. The man in ski mask drives away in the sports car. Detective Lassiter is driving with Detective O’Hara when they hear the police radio.

Dispatcher: All units be advised 2-11 of a vehicle just occurred at 40765 Mariposa. Property taken was a white Lamborghini Murcielago. Suspect last seen travelling southbound.
Jules: Stolen car.
Lassiter: Not a car. It’s a Lamborghini.

Lassiter excitedly grabs the radio.

Lassiter: Copy! Car 7-0, en route to assist.

Lassiter turns on the sirens.

Lassiter: I have a pretty good idea who’s behind this carjacking.
Jules: Who?
Lassiter: I’ve been investigating a group of car thieves who have been working in town for the last few months. They’re street racers. They finance their lifestyle by boosting exotic vehicles.

Lassiter speeds up as he turns a corner.

Jules: Whoa! Slow down! And how do you know these are the guys you’ve been investigating?
Lassiter: Oh, it’s them. I know it.
Jules: Carlton.
Lassiter: There they are.
Jules: Car 7-0 we have visual on the Lamborghini traveling south on Mariposa requesting backup.

Lassiter goes after the Lamborghini, but it mysteriously disappears as it turns a corner.

Lassiter: Damn it!
Jules: Carlton, we’ve lost him.
Lassiter: I’m not giving up that easy. I’ve spent too long trying to nail this son of a bitch.
Jules: He’s halfway to the city limits by now.
Lassiter: O’Hara, if you don’t wanna help, you’re more than welcome to get out right now.
Jules: We are three miles from the station.
Dispatcher: All units be advised stolen Lamborghini located at the corner of Eight and Waterfront.

Lassiter responds to the dispatcher.

Lassiter: This is Detective Lassiter. Secure the area and stand down! No one approaches that vehicle until I get there! Do you copy?

Lassiter hurriedly backs up his car. He and Jules arrive at the scene. Other police officers corner the car, and are ready to shoot.

Lassiter: Officers, stand down!

Lassiter walks over to the driver’s side, and finds that the driver has a bullet hole in his head.

Shawn and Gus arrive at the scene of the crime, and immediately walk over to the sports car.

Shawn: And that my dear Gus is why one should not text and drive.
Gus: Mmm-hmm.

Shawn notices the skull ring the victim is wearing on his clenched fist. He also notices the altered VIN, and marks on the gutter. He eyes the sign that reads “Sulphur Exporters”. Lastly, he observes the skid marks.

Lassiter: Spencer! Get away from the vehicle! Shoo!
Shawn: This is an absolutely lovely crime scene you have here, Lassie. I especially enjoy what you do with the…what’s that called?
Gus: Yellow tape.
Lassiter: Crime scene tape. It’s there for a reason.
Shawn: Look, we only came over to get a closer look at the ride because I used to have one just like it. Gus and I built it from scratch in auto shop.
Lassiter: Spencer, you don’t want this case.
Shawn: Oh, but I do.
Lassiter: But you can’t have it.
Shawn: Oh, but I will.
Lassiter: Stop it.
Shawn: Look, Lassie, I know we’ve had our kerfuffles in the past, but let’s be honest. This has all the makings of a Psych special. Fast cars.
Gus: Fast women.
Shawn: Fast food.
Gus: Murder.
Shawn: That too.
Lassiter: Enough. The answer is no. I’ve done too much work on this case already so I will thank you to get lost. In fact, I’ll even help you. Miler, escort these two out of here, please.
Shawn: Well, in that case, I guess we’ll just have to race you for it.

Gus throws the keys to his car to Shawn, and he catches it.

Shawn: What?

Shawn and Gus run to their car. They drive away. Lassiter turns to a police officer.

Lassiter: Go give them a ticket.

The next day, Detective Lassiter is at the police station talking to Officer McNab.

Lassiter: We know the Lamborghini was traveling approximately 90 miles an hour when the diver was killed so we can extrapolate the shooter’s location based on how long it took the dead man’s car to come to a stop.
McNab: Well, how did the shooter even find him?
Lassiter: They found an illegal tracking device under the hood. Now watch.

Detective Lassiter shows Officer McNab the police video of him chasing the Lamborghini.

McNab: Awesome driving.
Lassiter: Thank you, McNab. There’s actually quite a bit more to pursuit driving than most people think.
McNab: I was talking about the other guy.

Shawn and Gus arrive.

Shawn: Watch for the flash, Gus. As soon as Lassie hits 88, he goes back in time. And this time he does not go to the prom with his sister.
Gus: It was his mother, and it was the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance.
Shawn: Come on, man. It was a throw-away. So we could make an entrance.
Gus: But you got it wrong.
Shawn: I can’t do this with you right now.
Lassiter: Spencer, I am trying to investigate a murder, so unless you have a reason to be here, leave.

Shawn remembers the skid marks and the tampered VIN.

Shawn: Oh, I have a reason. I’m getting that the shooter was in a second car, one with wide tires found on street-racing hot-rod type vehicles.
Lassiter: Tell me something I don’t know.
Shawn: All right. America’s never lost a war when donkeys were in use and the Lamborghini’s vehicle identification number was altered, which means it was stolen before.
Lassiter: I knew that already as well. The part about the VIN number, not the donkeys. That’s an interesting fact. What I need to know is where the shooter’s car was.
Gus: Well, why don’t you just extrapolate based on how long it took for the dead man’s car to coast to a stop?
Shawn: Yeah. What chocolate Einstein just said.

Lassiter starts humming as he watches the police chase.

Shawn: Um, Lassie, are you humming danger music?
Lassiter: We’re done here. O’Hara, we got an ID on that victim yet?
Jules: His name is Max Contreras. He’s a known street racer, has a long list of priors. Get this. He’s a huge gambler. Owes a bundle to none other than Logan Paget.

Shawn throws popcorn at Lassiter.

Gus: Who’s that?
Lassiter: Paget’s a big time exotic car collector and suspected loan shark.
Shawn: That’s interesting. By the way, it’s pronounced “Paget.”

Shawn says “Paget” with a French accent.

Lassiter: No, it isn’t.
Shawn: It is when I say it. Now, let’s saddle up and go talk to this frog.
Jules: He is not French, Shawn, and that term is a slur.
Shawn: Oh, please. He won’t be offended. The French are known for their wonderful sense of humor.
Jules: Excuse me.
Lassiter: You’re not going anywhere on this, Spencer, because you’re not on this case.
Shawn: Understood. Dad!
Henry: They’re on the case.
Lassiter: Henry!
Henry: With all due respect, Carlton, you’ve been after these guys for months with no luck, and now someone is dead. It’s time for all hands on deck. That comes straight from the chief. Not me.
Lassiter: I don’t need help questioning Paget.
Shawn: “Paget.”
Lassiter: Shut up.
Henry: That’s why we’re sending Shawn and Gus to see if they can find any street racers that Contreras hung with. Maybe they can help.
Lassiter: What do you even know about street racing anyway?
Shawn: Only what we learned from The Fast and the Furious. So everything.
Lassiter: Fine. But don’t think we’re partners on this. I’m in charge.
Shawn: I promise to follow you to the letter.
Gus: As long as that letter isn’t “Q.”
Shawn: Or any other vowel for that matter.
Henry: Shawn, you’re to play by the book on this one. You find anything out, you make any move, you first report to Lassiter. Got it?
Shawn: Done and done.

Shawn and Gus walk away.

Gus: Are we really going to check everything with Lassie?
Shawn: Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.

Detective O’Hara and Detective Lassiter walk someone’s driveway.

Lassiter: That’s an ’83 Avanti. They only made 189 of these things. Its design was inspired by the ’64 Studebaker Avanti. Here, see the square headlights? Seven Z-type. ’09 Aston Martin.
Jules: We have work to do, Mister Bond.
Lassiter: Right.

A man steps out the mansion’s door.

Paget: Yes.
Lassiter: Mr. Paget!
Paget: It’s pronounced “Paget.”

Paget says his name with a French accent.

Lassiter: I’ve heard it both ways. I’m Detective Lassiter. This is my partner, Detective O’Hara. We have a few questions for you about Max Contreras.
Jules: We understand you knew him.
Paget: Max was a business associate. He worked for me occasionally. He was a gifted mechanic. An artist. Irreplaceable. Just like one of your precious porcelain dolls.
Lassiter: You see, I don’t collect dolls.
Paget: You look like the kind of guy who does.
Jules: We also know that Max owed you a lot of money.
Paget: Am I to assume that I’m not a suspect in your murder case?
Lassiter: No.

Lassiter runs his fingers over one of Paget’s cars.

Paget: Don’t touch, please.
Lassiter: Don’t be stupid, Mister “Paget.” We both know that even the lowest two-bit loan sharks doesn’t kill someone who owes them money.
Paget: Ouch.
Jules: When did you last talk to Contreras?
Paget: Ah, it’s been weeks. Weeks.

Mr. Paget hops in his sports car.

Paget: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to prepare this baby for an auction.
Lassiter: Yeah, just one more question.

Mr. Paget turns on the engine, and starts revving. Lassiter shouts.

Lassiter: You were the…

Mr. Paget revs his car.

Lassiter: You were the…would you turn that off?!

Mr. Paget looks at Lassiter gesturing that he couldn’t hear him.

Lassiter: Turn off the car! You’re the registered…

Mr. Paget turns off the car. Lassiter stops shouting.

Lassiter: Owner of the vehicle that Max was driving the night he was murdered.
Paget: Yes. It was taken from a restaurant valet.
Jules: That’s interesting because we don’t have any record of you reporting it stolen.
Paget.: Hmm. Must have slipped my mind.
Lassiter: See, I think you are hiding something.
Paget: Maybe I just have that kind of face.

Shawn and Gus arrive at an auto shop.

Gus: Dude, we’ve been to five of these places, and no one’s heard anything about street racing or even heard of Max.
Shawn: Just do this one, and then I’ll get you some astronaut ice cream.
Gus: Damn right, you will.
Shawn: Excuse us.

A female mechanic turns around.

Gus: Hello.
Shawn: Ooh. I’m Shawn. This is my associate, MC Clap You Handz.

Gus starts clapping his hands.

Gus: With a “Z.”
Shawn: We’re looking for some street racing action.
Gus: Or any kind of action.
Gina: Don’t know anything about that so you can get the hell out of here. With a “Z.”

Shawn notices tanks of Nitrous, and notices a scar on the woman’s hand. He and Gus turn around.

Gus: Dude, she’s lying.
Shawn: I know. There’s no “Z” in asses.
Gus: I’m talking about the street racing.
Shawn: Right, right. Huh.

A man drives his car into the shop. He hops out of his car, throws the keys at the hanging key holder, and the keys hang on the hook without falling.

Shawn: What? Seriously! Dude, do that again. I’ve been trying to come up with an entrance bit like that since I accidentally threw Gus’ wallet into a fireplace.
Gus: I knew a squirrel didn’t swipe it off a windowsill.
Shawn: There was a squirrel outside and it was eyeing your wallet.
Gus: You lying bastard.
Shawn: I was positing a theory to help cushion the blow for you.
Gus: You ruined my wallet and blamed it on a animal.
Shawn: Squirrels bite, Gus.
Gus: So what?
Shawn: You wanted to believe it.
Nix: Whoa, hey! Who the hell are you guys?
Gina: They’re nobodies.
Shawn: And by nobodies, she means experienced street racers who also happen to dabble in flatulence.
Gus: What?
Shawn: I’m sorry, stamp collecting.
Gus: It’s philately, Shawn.
Shawn: No, I’m afraid that’s the word for “fart.”
Gina: You need to get the hell out of here.
Gus: Damn, Girl.
Nix: Ho-hold on. Take it easy, Gina. Clearly, these guys are insane. They’re just looking to have some fun.

Two other guys arrive.

Shawn: I race hard. You race hard. You’re an awesome key flipper, I can play Sowing the Seeds of Love on the recorder.

Shawn points at Gus’ head.

Shawn: He has that head. Now we all know each other. Why don’t you tell us where the next race is?
Nix: What’s your name?
Shawn: Shawn.
Nix: There’s an old saying, Shawn, “If you need to ask, you don’t belong there.”
Shawn: I knew that.
Man #2: Then why’d you ask?
Shawn: Well, if you must know, it’s a rhetorical question. Sort of like, “Where’s Waldo?” or “Are you smarter than a fifth grader?”
Nix: If you can find the race, happy to see you there.
Shawn: Cool, man.

The guys and Gina walk away. Shawn sees a cellphone lying around. He pushes Gus, and Gus hits a tool cart, catching the attention of the people at the auto shop.

Shawn: Gus, for goodness sake, careful. I’m sorry. He’s all thumbs.

While all eyes are at Gus, Shawn goes through the message inbox of the cellphone.

Gina: Are you guys done here?
Shawn: Sorry again about that.

Shawn pushes Gus once again, and some tools fall on the floor.

Shawn: Oh my!

Shawn resumes going through messages on the phone marked restricted. Later, Shawn and Gus return to their car.

Gus: You’re making a mess. I had that perfectly organized.
Shawn: I need a map. Where’s the map?
Gus: Under my backup breathmints next to the lavender scalp oil.
Shawn: Lavender scalp oil? You’ve been using that stuff since we did that model thing, huh?
Gus: Everyday. A player needs to shine, Shawn. What are you doing?

Shawn looks at a map. He notices Lincoln Road, and remembers seeing a picture message with Abraham Lincoln’s head from the cellphone he found in the auto shop. He also notices a Cardinal Road, and remembers seeing a picture of a cardinal on the phone then he sees a Seagull Road, and remembers a picture message with a seagull on it then a Cypress Road, and remembers a picture of a cypress in one of the messages.

Shawn: Wait a minute, these are streets and times and dates. Gus, I know where the enxt race is. We just need wheels.
Gus: Ah, that’s a negative, Shawn. You already tricked out my car once.
Shawn: Yeah, and it looked awesome.
Gus: And I almost got fired.
Shawn: Fine. We’ll have to figure something else out then.

One night, Shawn and Gus are at a street race with Gus holding up the hood of Henry’s truck.

Gus: Everybody else’s hood stays up by themselves. How long do I have to do this?
Shawn: Gus, we have to feature the engine. We have to show it to people. That’s what they do. Sit tight. I’m going to go get my Paul Walker on.
Gus: This is embarrassing. Your dad’s gonna kill you for taking his truck.

Shawn walks over to the guys next to them.

Shawn: Monte Carlo, huh? It’s blue. It’s boxy.
Man: What the hell are you talking about, man?
Shawn: I’m talking about your machine, Man. My buddy Max had one just like it. Max Contreras. El Guapo. Do you guys know him?
Man: I know he got a bullet put in his head.
Shawn: Yeah, I heard that. Bummed me out. You wouldn’t happen to know who did it, would you?
Man: You know what we do with little guys who come around here asking bitch-ass questions?
Shawn: I’m guessing he doesn’t break into song?
Man: No, we kick their bitch asses!
Shawn: Uh…

The guy from the auto shop arrives.

Nix: Hey, hey, hey! Chill out, Man.

The man still tries to attack Shawn, but the guy from the auto shop stops him.

Nix: Chill out! All right? You’re not gonna do nothing. You’re gonna turn around. You’re gonna walk out of here. You understand?

The man chuckles.

Man: Yeah.

The man walks away.

Shawn: Side note. That guy would have killed me.
Nix: Yeah. Quickly and quietly.
Shawn: My body turns up in a ditch somewhere.
Nix: Nah, they would have never found your body.
Shawn: No body.
Nix: And yet, you didn’t back down.
Shawn: Well, you know I don’t really like to, um…

Shawn gestures what he wants to say.

Nix: Think ahead.
Shawn: Yes.
Nix: I understand that approach well. You found the race.
Shawn: Here I am.
Nix: You know I won’t say I’m not impressed.
Shawn: You’re awesome. You have a great crew. You look like Flea.

Shawn points at one of the guys, and the guy raises both his arms.

Shawn: Come on, Guys.

Shawn walks back to the truck.

Shawn: Gus, look.

The guys walk to the truck.

Shawn: Ta-da!

The guy laughs.

Nix: Is this your ride?
Shawn: She may look like hell. She may sound like hell. She may run like hell. She may smell like hell.
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: But she is fast as hell.
Nix: I guess we should do this then, huh?
Shawn: Absolutely! Do what?

Shawn and Gus are in the truck at the street waiting.

Gus: How was this a good idea?
Shawn: What would you have me do, Gus? Huh? Back down? No. I’ve got to protect my rep.
Gus: You don’t have a rep.
Shawn: I’m building it, Dude. Don’t you see? If we’re going to get to the bottom of Max’ murder, we’ve gotta have some street cred.

The guy from the auto shop pulls up next to Shawn and Gus’ truck. He revs his engine.

Shawn: Hey, Nix! We’re racing for pinks.
Nix: As in pink slips? Like ownership papers?
Shawn: Pink’s Hot Dogs. I have a coupon.
Gus: That’s my coupon.
Shawn: It’s his coupon.
Nix: Good, ‘cause I’d rather have that than your truck.
Shawn: Oh, yeah?

Shawn revs his engine.

Shawn: Sure about that?

Nix revs his engine.

Nix: I’m sure.

Shawn revs his engine.

Shawn: I think I can beat this guy.
Gus: Are you insane?
Shawn: I have a secret weapon.

Shawn opens the glove compartment to reveal two small tanks of Nitrous.

Gus: What?! Nitrous? You are insane.
Shawn: You wouldn’t believe how easy that thing was to install.
Gus: No, Shawn. It’s incredibly complicated. Did you retool the front end?
Shawn: Nope.

A woman holding flags walks up the street.

Gus: Did you adjust the intake?
Shawn: What’s an intake?
Gus: Did you exchange the exhaust valve?
Shawn: Jeez, Gus, you know so much about this. I should have had you install it.
Gus: Let me out of this car.

The woman raises both flags then swings her arms down. Shawn steps on the gas. The cars speed up.

Shawn: Come on!

Nix is ahead of them.

Shawn: Come on! Come on! Come on! Okay, dude, ready? Hit it!
Gus: Absolutely not.
Shawn: We can win this thing.
Gus: We can also die.

Shawn takes the Nitrous controls. Gus grabs it.

Gus: Stop it! No!

The two struggle. Shawn manages to push the button. Their truck speed up. Shawn yells.

Gus: I won’t forgive you for this.
Shawn: Thank you.
Gus: I said I won’t forgive you.

Shawn catches up to Nix.

Shawn: Viva Mexico!
Nix: You kidding me?

Shawn and Nix are head to head, but Nix speeds up a bit more at the last minute.

Shawn: We did it!
Gus: He beat us, Shawn.
Shawn: By so much less than I thought he would.

Shawn steps on the brake, but nothing happens.

Shawn: Uh-oh.
Gus: I knew it. You must have accidentally cut the brake line when you installed the nitrous.
Shawn: Please. The only thing I cut was that long cable going from the pedals to the rear wheels.
Gus: I’m going to kill you, Shawn!

Shawn and Gus’ truck runs over a chicken wire gate, and the truck stops. Shawn feels his face.

Gus: Are we dead?
Shawn: I’m not, but if you are, can I have the $6,218 in your rainy day money market account?
Gus: How do you know exactly how much money I have in there?
Shawn: Wild guess.

Nix now carrying his crew drives up to where Shawn and Gus stopped.

Nix: Wow! That’s some of the craziest stuff I’ve seen in a long time!
Shawn: Whoo!
Nix: You know you two have got a lot of balls.
Shawn: Four, actually. And a phantom one that I call “Rigby.”
Gina: Or your asses are just lucky.
Shawn: Look Gina, don’t be…

Shawn notices the skull necklace Gina is wearing, and remembers the skull ring that Max was wearing.

Shawn: We live in the edge, Tommy.
Nix: I thought you were a lot of talk.
Gus: We are all talk.
Shawn: No, we’re not! Gus, we’re not. We’re all action.
Nix: Listen, we’re having a party tomorrow night at the shop. You make me laugh. You two should come.
Shawn: We’ll be there, Man.

The following morning, Henry Spencer hops on his truck, puts it in reverse, and is shocked that his truck zooms out of his driveway.

At the police station, Henry scolds Shawn and Gus.

Henry: I almost got killed pulling out of my own damn driveway. I warned you two about going by the book on this one, so unless you’ve got something useful from that little stunt, I’m cutting you loose.
Shawn: Dad, we’ve got something more than useful. Gus and I have identified Max’ old crew.
Gus: We’re already making inroads.
Shawn: That’s right. Pretty soon we’ll get nicknames. I’m thinking Torch and Road Rash.

Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara interrogate Paget.

Lassiter: You lied to us, Paget.
Paget: Really? How so?
Jules: You said that you hadn’t spoken to Max Contreras in weeks, but your phone records tell a different story. In fact, you talked to him quite a bit last week, including Tuesday night at 8:41.
Lassiter: Right after Max boosted your Lamborghini.
Jules: Tell us again why you never reported your car stolen?
Paget: I’ve kind of been busy, you know.
Lassiter: Bull crunch. Max knew exactly who boosted your car, so he made you an offer. He was gonna recover it for you and you were gonna erase his debt.
Jules: Only you didn’t trust Max. After all, he was a thief.
Lassiter: So you called him up and sure enough he had a change of heart. He was gonna keep the car for himself so you hopped in your fastest vehicle, you tracked him down and took him out. I’ve got you on conspiracy to commit grand theft, and I’m just getting started.
Paget: Okay. Yes, I hired Max. Yes, I called him after he retrieved my car, but he didn’t tell me that he had a change of heart.
Jules; Well, what did he say, then?
Paget: He said someone was after him.
Lassiter: Who?
Paget: He didn’t get a change to tell me that, and from the sound of his voice, he was scared. Whoever it was, he knew they were going to get to him.

Lassiter and O’Hara walk passed Henry, Shawn, and Gus.

Henry: Shawn, you agreed that Lassiter would be point on this investigation. I expect you to honor it. Tell him now.
Lassiter: Tell me what?
Shawn: All right. It took a brush with death, but Gus and I were able to infiltrate Max’ old crew and I am sensing that is where we will find his killer.
O’Hara: Huh. Based on what Paget says, that actually makes sense. Whoever killed Max had to be a better driver than him. Maybe it was an old street racing buddy or somebody that he, I don’t know, used to boost cars with.
Lassiter: Things went bad between them. Max decides to take this guy out. Adequate job, Spencer! O’Hara and I will shake these gear heads down. Where can I find him?
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lassie. Tap the brakes. You can’t just go in there and slap these guys around all limp-wristy, expecting them to tell you everything.
Lassiter: I’ve never had a limp wrist in my life.
Shawn: Look, these dudes are a tribe, all right? They’re very close-knit, which is why Road Rash and I will be hanging out with them tonight.
Gus: Why do I have to be Road Rash?
Shawn: Because I’m Torch.
Gus: I want a different nickname.
Shawn: They all know you as Road Rash. Everybody does. If you switch now, there will be mass confusion.
Gus: Shawn, you made that name up on minute ago.
Shawn: Fine. What do you want to be called?
Gus: Mellow Rush.
Shawn: That sounds like a crappy energy drink that gives you tongue-hives. How about Crankshaft?
Gus: The old, cantankerous man from the comic strip?
Shawn: Okay. Fine. Miss Whiddleberry it is.
Henry and Lassiter: Enough!
Henry: Look, Shawn is right. If he and Gus can go out and get enough concrete evidence to nail the shooter, I say it’s worth it.
Lassiter: You have six hours to give me a suspect, and I want the address where you’re going to be.
Shawn: Done. You ready to go, G-Force?
Gus: Now, that’s what’s up.

Shawn and Gus sing.

Shawn and Gus: What? What?

Shawn and Gus arrive at the party.

Nix: All right, now listen. When you’re with me, what’s mine is yours.
Shawn; Can I have that, uh, puka shell necklace?

Nix laughs.

Nix: No.
Shawn: No. Of course, I was kidding.
Gus: Dude, did you make a chain out of paperclips?
Shawn: Look Gus, I didn’t have a lot of time. What I had was office supplies.

Shawn and Gus join Nix’ crew’s table.

Stig: Worst crash ever, Phoenix ’06. Hands down. I’m in a GTO and racing this Supra. A total ricer kicking his import ass, doing 90, all of a sudden my back end gets loose. Boom! Hit the guardrail, flip it six times.
Gus: Dag, Stig, you’re lucky to be alive.
Stig: Yeah. Talking about worst crash, how about Tommy last year at Bonneville.
Juice Box: Oh, man, okay, he’s trying to get to 200, right? The front end of his Camaro came off the ground, flew like what? Like 50 feet?
Gus: What?
Juice Box: By the end there was hardly any car left. It was crazy.
Stig: Tommy was in a coma for a month.
Nix: It was barely three weeks. It was a little nap. I can’t wait to try it again.
Gus: What do you have, a death wish?
Nix: No, it’s just the opposite, Whiddleberry. They say that when you’re going that fast, that’s when you really know what it is to be alive. It’s pure adrenaline. It’s not about the speed, and checkered flags. Anybody with the right engine and enough horsepower can do that. It’s about freedom and barriers. You tell me I can’t do something, I’m gonna show you that I can or I’m gonna die trying. Adrenaline, that’s God’s greatest gift.
Shawn: How close did you get?
Nix: 187. I could almost taste it.
Shawn: You want the ultimate thrill? You got to be willing to pay the ultimate price.
Nix: Point Break.

Nix chuckles.

Nix: Nice.
Shawn: I think you should go for it, Man. Do whatever it takes.

Shawn notices the scar on Gina’s hand once again.

Shawn: What about you, Gina? Awfully quiet over there, how’d you get your war wound?
Gina: Vegas ’09. Dodge Challenger. Ran a read light and got T-boned by a big rig.
Stig: Yeah. Max was driving. Gina loses the use of two of her fingers, and Max walks away without a scratch. Some boyfriend, huh?
Gina: Ex-boyfriend.
Stig: Whatever. Son of a bitch never even apologized to you. I’d never treat you that way.
Juice Box: You know what? I never trusted the bastard, so I saw good riddance.
Nix: Hey, Max was once a good friend to all of us. That’s how we’re going to remember him.
Juice Box: You’re right.
Gina: Let’s go outside.

Shawn and Gus look at each other, and they both get up. Gina points at Gus.

Gina: Not you.

Shawn and Gina walk out of the room.

Shawn: Now she wants to talk, huh? We can talk or…

Shawn hops on the hood of a car.

Gina: Whoa! What are you doing? That’s my car.
Shawn: She’s a beauty. Nova, huh? Did you know that no va means “no go” in Spanish? These bad boys did not sell well in the Latin American countries, except, curiously, Honduras. Stig and Juice Box really hating on Max in there. What’s that all about?
Gina: You ask a lot of questions.
Shawn: Oh, yeah?

Gina walks up very close to Shawn.

Gina: Mmm-hmm.
Shawn: Huh.

Gina puts her hands on Shawn, and he does the same, but she pushes him.

Shawn: Ooh, Hey!

Gina flips Shawn such that he has his back turned from her.

Shawn: Relax, I think we got this backwards.
Gina: Don’t flatter yourself. I’m looking for a wire.
Shawn: A wire? Are you…are you crazy, Gina? You think I’m a cop? I’m not a cop. I’m a car guy, just like you. Except you’re a girl, obviously.
Gina: Car guy, huh? Just like me?
Shawn: Just like you.

Gina pushes Shawn to the side, and opens the hood of her car.

Gina: Tell me exactly what you see here.
Shawn: All right, what do we got? We got a…fan belt, a radiator, air filter.
Gina: Cowl induction.
Shawn: Sure.
Gina: Rochester four-barrel, Edelbrock intake, open headers, 4-11 positrac.
Shawn: Exactly.
Gina: Exactly. Those are the mods on Tommy’s car. Not mine.

Gina closes the hood of her car. Shawn notices the tire tread, and specks on the car, and remembers the tire tracks and the marks on the curb at the crime scene.

Gina: Tell me exactly who you are, Shawn. Right now.

Gina points a gun at Shawn.

Shawn: All right. I guess I should start at the beginning. It’s 1976. Fernando was at the top of the charts. A Georgia peanut farmer was the leader of the free world.

Gus runs, and pushes the gun way from Shawn. Gina kicks him on the foot.

Gus: Now, Gina, don’t do anything crazy.
Shawn: We don’t hit women.

Gina punches Shawn on the face then kicks Gus. The police arrive.

Lassiter: Freeze!
Jules: Put down the firearm!
Lassiter: Back off, now!

Detective O’Hara arrests Gina, and Lassiter helps Shawn up. Nix, Stig, and Juice Box are surprised and disappointed with Shawn.

Shawn: Get your hand off me, cop!

Shawn talks under his breath.

Shawn: Punch me in the face.
Lassiter: What?
Shawn: You’re gonna blow my cover. Now, punch me in the face.

Lassiter answers Shawn in a whisper.

Lassiter: I’m not going to punch you in the face.
Shawn: Ronald Reagan was a terrible president.
Lassiter: You son of a bitch!

Lassiter punches Shawn in the face, and he falls on the ground.

Gus: I’ll go quietly.

Gus runs away.

Lassiter: Get up!

Shawn and Gus arrive at the police station.

McNab: There they are. Nice work, guys.
Shawn: Thank you, Buzz.
McNab: No, I meant nice work getting owned by a girl.
Shawn: Okay. For your information, we did not get owned. We refused to fight back.
Gus: We don’t hit women.
Shawn: That’s right.
Lassiter: Uh, no, but apparently she does.

Jules chuckles.

Jules: We got the preliminary ballistics on Gina’s gun. It was used to kill Max Contreras.
Shawn: Gina was the shooter?
Lassiter: Not Gina. That was her alias. Her real name was Mary Armstrong.
Shawn: I almost made out with a woman named Mary Armstrong?
Gus: You weren’t about to make out with anybody.
Shawn: Says who? She kicked you in the belly.
Gus: After I disarmed her, and saved your butt.
Shawn: I’m sorry. She just didn’t seem like a Mary Armstrong to me. Maria? Sure. Marisol, Mandinga.
Lassiter: Her name’s not important. What’s important is that she was Max’ ex-lover, and part of the crew that stole Paget’s Lamborghini. Max betrayed them when he stole it back, so she went after him, and took him out.
Henry: And the good news, gentlemen, is that she is going away for a very long time. Your lunch money is safe.

Shawn and Gus feign laughter.

Henry: All right, look, guys, the big score here is that we all worked together. I think we’ve turned a corner. Great work.
Shawn: I don’t like the way that shook out at all. Lassie smugly breaking down the case, people laughing at our expense. Gina turns out to be Mary. It’s all very vexing. Don’t you feel vexed?
Gus: No. We solved the case. It all worked out the way it should be.
Shawn: No, that is what is disturbing me. It never works out the way it should. That’s not our process. Our process is messy. It’s haphazard. It’s definitely not like that. I don’t buy it.
Gus: Well, you’re not going to get it for free.

Shawn crazily parks Gus’ car.

Gus: What is wrong with you? You’re driving like a maniac!
Shawn: I think these car people are rubbing off on me, Gus. I’m doing it fast and furious. I’m living life a quarter mile at a time.
Gus: Will you get over this thing and stop talking like a movie poster?
Shawn: Wait a minute.

Shawn remembers Gina picking up a wrench without using two of her fingers. Shawn hums a suspenseful tune. He remembers Stig mentioning Gina losing the use of two of her fingers.

Flashback ensues.

Stig: Gina loses the use of two of her fingers.

Gina points a gun at them using her left hand.

Gina: Tell me exactly who you are, Shawn, right now.

Flashback ends.

Gus: Why are you singing Lassie’s danger music?
Shawn: It’s catchy, and the shot that killed Max came from the right.
Gus: Yeah, so?
Shawn: So, Gina can’t grip anything with her right hand. Not a wrench, not a steering wheel, and definitely not a gun.
Gus: So if she was the one chasing Max, she would have to steer and shoot with the same hand. No one cand o that.
Shawn: Not at 90 miles an hour. You know what this means, Gus? Gina is not our killer.
Gus: Don’t you mean Mary?
Shawn: No. She’ll always be Gina to me.

Shawn and Gus arrive at their office.

Shawn: All right. Sher-black-lock. If I wasn’t Gina, who was it?
Gus: It’s obvious, Shawn. It’s Tommy.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the second drummer from 38 Special. It’s clearly wasn’t Tommy.
Gus: Why are you not getting this? These guys are like the mafia and Tommy’s like a street racing Don Corleone. There’s a code of honor and Max broke it when he stole that car.
Shawn: It easly could have been one of the other dudes. Stig, obviously in love with Gina. Juice Box, they didn’t trust the bastard.
Gus: Shawn, it’s Tommy. You know it. He was the one driving Gina’s car.
Shawn: Why is everyone suddenly breaking down this case but me?
Gus: Because you won’t, and worse still, you broke the first rule of undercover work. You got too close. You’ve gone all Point Break.
Shawn: Okay, that’s just nuts.
Gus: Is it, Johnny Utah?

Shawn slaps his hand on the desk.

Shawn: Don’t you dare use that name as a slur. I don’t have to stand for this. Give me your keys so I can storm out of here.
Gus: No, take your motorcycle.
Shawn: All right. Hey, windbreaker or pea coat?
Gus: Windbreaker.

Shawn takes the windbreaker, and walks out of the office. A few seconds later, he’s back.

Gus: Hands down, worst stormer-outer ever.

Stig, Juice Box, and Nix with their guns out follow Shawn inside the office.

Nix: Psychic detective? That’s pretty cool. You must have seen some wild stuff.
Shawn: Oh, you have no idea. Once there was this shark, actually there was…
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Right. This kills me to say, but, Tommy, you are a thief and you are a murderer. We know you killed Max. You pinned it on Gina, and you almost managed to bamboozle me with your incredible awesomeness.
Gus: Almost?
Shawn: Sorry, dude, I will never doubt you ever again.
Gus: Now who’s a liar?
Shawn: Touche. Listen, it’s over. We got you. You can’t kill everyone.

Nix and his crew snicker.

Nix: Yeah, you’re right. Max used the car as an insurance policy against me coming after him. He thought I wouldn’t risk destroying something that meant so much to me, but he just didn’t know me as well as he thought he did.

Flashback ensues.

Nix chases Max driving along side Max, and shoots him in the head.

Flashback ends.

Nix: I’m not the one to lose ever. He was sloppy so he had to go. For Gina, eventually they’re going to figure out that she’s innocent. But by them, I’ll be long gone. So, unfortunately that just leaves one thing to do before I leave.

Flashback ensues.

Nix: You tell me I can’t do something. I’m going to show you that I can or I’m gonna die trying.

Flashback ends.
Shawn: The Lamborghini. You’re gonna to steal the Lamborghini again.
Nix: Psychic! Told you right?
Shawn: That’s insane. It’s locked up in the police impound.
Nix: You’re not getting it. This is where you come in. You’re gonna go, and you’re gonna to get it.
Shawn: Is that right? Suppose I go there and tell them exactly what you’re up to.
Nix: You’re probably gonna have to, but I just want you to know, Shawn, that, um, if I see any cops coming…

Nix goes over to Gus, and puts his arm with the hand holding his gun around Gus.

Nix: Your friend’s going to die.

Shawn drives the Lamborghini to where Nix and his crew are.

Nix: That was quick. Guys at impound must have not been paying attention.
Shawn: No, they were. Then I busted out the Rice Krispie treats. It’s like fly paper, man. Seriously, those things are really sticky. Where’s Gus?
Nix: This guy’s always entertaining, you know? I’m going to miss that.
Shawn: Save your compliments, Tommy.
Nix: Toss me the keys.
Shawn: Gus first!
Gus: I’m in here. Let me out!
Shawn: Seriously, dudes? There’s plenty of room in this car! Why’d you have to put him in the trunk?
Juice Box: It’s a very small back seat.

Gus knocks on the trunks hood. Nix opens the hood, and Gus hops out of the trunk. Nix points a gun at him.

Nix: Get over there. Now toss me the keys.

Shawn looks at the keys.

Nix: I like you, Shawn, but I will kill you.

Shawn tosses Nix the keys.

Nix: That’s a smart move. Let’s go. Get over here. All right, good.

Nix inspects the Lamborghini, and takes out something.

Shawn: What is that?
Nix: Cops put a tracker on this car. I’d do the same thing. Cops aren’t stupid. I’m just smarter.

Nix throws the tracker.

Nix: All right, let’s say they’re about two minutes away. Boys, we’re good to go. Get out of here, all right? Just scatter.
Stig: Catch you later.
Juice Box: See you boys.
Nix: You know I was serious when I said that it would be good to have a guy like you come along. You should come with use. Come on. You got the kamikaze in you. I can smell it.
Shawn: It’s not the kamikaze. It’s CK One. It’s for men and women. And you know what, you’re full of it, man. God’s greatest gift is not adrenaline. It’s friendship. I would never do anything to hurt Gus. Even if he betrayed me. And he feels the same way about me.
Gus: Um…
Nix: Have it your way.

Nix hops in the Lamborghini, and drives away.

Gus: So, we’re letting him go?
Shawn: Shouldn’t that sentence start with, “Hey, man, thanks for saving my life?”
Gus: Okay. Thank you. But we’re still letting a murderer go free.
Shawn: I got three zucchini and a gourd that says we’re not.

The police chase Nix. He speeds up even more aiming to reach 200.

Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara wait at the end of the road.

Lassiter: That crazy son of a bitch isn’t gonna stop.

As soon as the Lamborghini hit 200 it starts to falter, and lose speed.

Lassiter and O’Hara have their guns up.

Nix: No! No! Come on! No!

The Lamborghini slowly comes to a halt.

Lassiter: Maybe he is. Move in!

The police surround Nix. Later, the police remove vegetables from the muffler of the Lamborghini.

Jules: Vegetables in the tailpipe. I don’t know if that’s brilliant or stupid.
Gus: Probably stupid.
Shawn: Well, there’s a fine line between the two.
Nix: Hey, Shawn, still about freedom and barriers. No regrets, Bro.
Shawn: Yeah. Good luck selling that to the other murderers in cell block C, Bro.
Nix: Mrs. Whiddleberry, nothing personal.
Gus: The name is Gus.
Jules: Mrs. Whiddleberry?
Gus: It used to be G-Force.
Shawn: Briefly. Very briefly.
Lassiter: Well, Spencer, this was a big collar for you. Congratulations. It’s a shame I have to put in a recommendation for your suspension.
Shawn: What?
Lassiter: You stole a car from the police impound.
Shawn: He was gonna kill Gus.
Lassiter: He was bluffing.
Shawn: I’m afraid I couldn’t take that chance.
Lassiter: You don’t negotiate with kidnappers. It’s Cop 101.
Jules: But we’re talking about Gus. He’s one of us.
Lassiter: Barely.
Gus: Excuse me?
Lassiter: I’m sorry. That was insensitive. The fact of the matter is I’m quite fond of you, Guster. Although, professionally, I do often wonder what you bring to the table.
Jules: Carlton.
Lassiter: I’m being honest.
Gus: Okay, Lassie, things Gus brings to the table. One, the blueberry. Two, the super sniffer. Three, a positive working attitude. Four, feng shui expertise.

Lassiter walks away, and Gus follows him.

Shawn: Oh, it is such a shame that you didn’t get to see me behind the wheel of that machine.
Jules: Mmm-hmm.
Shawn: what do you say the two of us take it for a little spin?
Jules: It’s still evidence, Shawn.
Shawn: You know you want to.
Jules: No. No. I really don’t.
Shawn: Yeah, you do because you have the kamikaze in you, and I can smell it from a mile away.
Jules: That’s disgusting.
Shawn: That’s Point Break!
Jules: Never seen it.
Shawn: You’ve never seen Point Break?
Jules: Nope. I’ve seen Fast Break.
Shawn: Fast Break? With Gabe Kaplan?

Shawn sneaks into the Lamborghini.

Lassiter: Spencer get out of that car!

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Shawn and Gus in Drag (Racing)” episode was written by Kell Cahoon & Tim Meltreger. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.

Watch the Psych episode Shawn and Gus in Drag (Racing)
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Kenny on the Couch – Frasier Transcript 10.17

2011-10-05T09:00:00.003-04:00

Frasier is wrapping up his show.

Frasier: Well, I think we’ve got time for one last caller. Go ahead, Mindy, I’m listening.

Mindy speaks on the phone in a whisper.

Mindy: It’s about my mother, Dr. Crane. Ever since I got married she’s been…yes, the cashmere turtleneck is $39.
Frasier: Excuse me, what?
Mindy: Sorry, I work in catalog sales, and my boss just walked past. So anyway, my mom…yes, it’s on sale until the end of the month.
Frasier: Mindy, we are pressed for time.
Roz: Hold on, Frasier. Cashmere for under forty bucks? I’ll take one in black. In medium. Wait, is that medium-medium or unrealistic-anorexic-model-medium?
Mindy: It sound like you might want to go for the large.
Roz: Oh, really?
Frasier: And that’s our show. Uh, he-he, what size will Roz order? Will she accessorize? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. Good day, Seattle. Continue reading...

Kenny enters the booth even more cheery than usual.

Kenny: Dynamite show, Doc, one of your best. Rosalinda, great work on the control panel. I’m going to start calling you “Control Freak.”
Roz: Ugh.
Kenny: Well, you’re probably wondering “Who put a quarter in him today?” Just got a call from my lawyer. My divorce…final. I’m back to my tomcat days! Lock up your daughters Seattle. Kenny Daly’s on the loose!
Roz: You might want to lose the wedding ring, Tomcat.
Kenny: Oh, yeah. Time to remove my shackle.

Kenny removes his wedding ring, but could not remove it from his finger.

Kenny: Well, that’s weird.

Kenny struggles to remove the ring.

Kenny: Ooh, that’s really stuck. That’s funny. That’s how my wife described our marriage. “Stuck.” Well, you’re not stuck anymore, are you?!

Kenny vigorously tries to pull the wedding ring out of his finger.

Kenny: Oh, damn it, damn it.

Kenny breaks down, and cries.

Frasier: Kenny, Kenny, come on, come on. Come and sit down. All right, here.

Frasier sits Kenny on his chair.

Frasier: Take a deep breath.
Kenny: I’m sorry. His thing’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The only good news is I’ll start getting a check every month.
Frasier: Kenny, um…divorce can be one of life’s most difficult transitions. Have you considered seeing a professional once or twice a week?
Kenny: I thought about it, but prostitutes are expensive.
Roz: He means a psychiatrist, Kenny. That is what you meant, right?
Kenny: A shrink? Oh, geez Louise. I don’t think I’d be comfortable talking to a psychiatrist.
Frasier: Well, I’m a psychiatrist. You’re comfortable talking to me, aren’t you?
Kenny: Are you offering to be my shrink?
Frasier: Ay, no.
Kenny: I could probably handle that.
Frasier: I was going to refer you to someone.
Roz: Can’t you help him, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, I don’t know, Roz. Giving psychotherapy to my employer? It’s a bit of a gray area, isn’t it?
Roz: Oh, come on, it’s not like he’s a real boss.
Kenny: Yeah, Roz is right. Come on, Doc, I could use a little help.
Frasier: Well, I suppose if you’d like to stop by my place, and discuss your feelings informally, there’d be no harm in that.
Kenny: Thanks, Doc.

Kenny gives Frasier a hug.

Kenny: And I’m paying you for your time.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, that’s hardly necessary.
Kenny: No, no, no, no, I insist. Now what do you get?
Frasier: Kenny, don’t worry about it. I’ll gladly do it for free. What do you say we get together Friday night?
Kenny: Thanks, Doc. I wish my ex-wife was as agreeable as you, and dead.
Frasier: Ok, maybe tonight’s better.

Kenny is on Frasier’s couch crying as Eddie looks to him with pity.

Kenny: And the one time I was winning my dad “accidentally” knocked over the checkerboard.
Frasier: Ah.
Kenny: He made me pick up all the pieces, too. Fortunately, my mom was there with an extra piece of cake.

Kenny bawls.

Frasier: I see.

Frasier reviews his notes.

Frasier: A controlling narcissistic father, and an overprotective mother. It has all he earmarks of a classic Oedipus complex. Well, well, old friend, we meet again. Now let me tell you your deep-rooted feelings of castration…

Frasier’s watch beeps.

Frasier: Oh! I’m afraid our time is up.
Kenny: Wait. What?
Frasier: This has been fascinating. I believe we were finally on the brink of discovering a road into some real insights.

Frasier makes his way to the front door as Kenny follows.

Frasier: I can’t tell you I’m as exhilarated as you are.
Kenny: Yeah. When are we going to talk about my divorce?
Frasier: Uh, you may not know it, Kenny, but we already are. Now, for your next session, I want you to write a letter telling your father how you feel. Don’t send it. Just write it.
Kenny: Homework?You never said there was gonna be any homework.
Frasier: It’s all part of the process. Good night, Kenny.
Kenny: But I…

Frasier slams the door on Kenny. Marty comes out of the kitchen.

Marty: Geez, I thought that would never end.
Frasier: Dad, how long have you been in there?
Marty: The whole damn time. I went in for a beer, and Kenny came in and started crying, and I was trapped. So, how’s talking about checkers supposed to help him through a divorce?
Frasier: Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.
Marty: What’s your generation going to do when we’re all gone, and there’s no one left to blame?
Frasier: You know, I really can’t tell you how exciting it is to roll up my sleeve again, and delve into someone’s psyche. I don’t even know where to begin. Although, you know, I do think it’s particularly salient that the father never showed any interest in the things that were most important to his son.

Marty reaches the front door.

Marty: Sounds good, Fras. Bye.

Marty steps out the door, and finds Kenny waiting by the elevator. Marty walks back inside the apartment. Kenny sees him.

Kenny: Oh, hey, Martin.
Marty: Oh, hi, Kenny. I didn’t know you are here. How’s it going?
Kenny: Okay, I guess.

The two stand in silence for a few seconds.

Kenny: I have an emotionally crippled father.
Marty: You don’t say.

Marty presses the elevator button.

Kenny: So where are you headed?
Marty: Uh, gonna grab a beer at McGinty’s.
Kenny: Really? Well, I’m sure dehydrated after all that crying.
Marty: You don’t say.

Marty impatiently presses the elevator button again.

Kenny: You mind if I tag along with you?

The elevator car arrives.

Marty: Sure why not?
Kenny: Oh, thanks, Martin. I really appreciate it. I bet you are a great dad.

Kenny begins to cry.

Marty: Oh, geez.

Daphne and Niles are at Café Nervosa.

Daphne: If you want to learn yoga why do we need some fancy private teacher? There are classes we could take together down at the Y.
Niles: Yes, and afterwards there are anti-fungal lotions we can use together, too. Just give Ahmrit a chance. If we don’t achieve physical and spiritual harmony, the second lesson’s free.

Frasier arrives with a few books in hand.

Frasier: Oh, hello, you two.
Niles: Hey, Frasier. Ooh, Freud, Bettelheim…Jung? Someone’s playing with the big boys.
Frasier: Yes, well, it’s for my patient.
Niles: You’re seeing patients again?
Frasier: Well, just this one for the last three weeks. Very challenging case, too. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two.
Niles: Sounds to me like you’ve hit the crackpot.

Niles and Frasier laugh, while Daphne is not entertained.

Niles: I’m sorry. I heard it at a convention.
Daphne: So, how did you meet this new patient?
Frasier: Well, I can’t really say, Daphne. You know, doctor-patient confidentiality.

Kenny arrives.

Kenny: Hey, shrink buddy!
Niles: Oh, dear.
Kenny: Hi, Niles, Daphne.
Niles: Hello, Kenny, how are you? Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to buy stickymats.
Daphne: All right.
Niles: There we go.

Niles and Daphne leave.

Frasier: Kenny, have a seat, have a seat. So, how are you feeling?
Kenny: Like a new man. Last night was just what I needed.
Frasier: I can’t tell you how gratifying it is to hear that.
Kenny: Yeah, me and your dad shut down McGinty’s.
Frasier: Really? You and dad?
Kenny: Yeah, actually, I’m meeting him here for coffee. Man is he a hoot. He made me completely forget about my problems.
Frasier: Well, good for you! Of course, the object is not to forget about one’s problems; it’s to understand them. Of course, that can take a lot of work.
Kenny: About the work part, your dad said something last night that made a lot of sense. He…he said I should get out more, and I was thinking that’s gonna be tough to do if I’m seeing you twice a week, plus doing all that homework. I guess what I’m saying is…I want to quit.
Frasier: Kenny, I understand it might be painful to uncover what is a very painful past, but I must warn you that if you run away from this now you will only be repeating a pattern that will prolong your unhappiness.
Kenny: I’m okay with that.
Frasier: In these past few sessions, we have discovered territory that usually takes months to reach. I don’t meant to toot my own horn, but I’ve been on fire.
Kenny: Don’t get me wrong, Doc. You’ve been great. It’s just. It’s not for me.

Marty arrives.

Marty: Hey, guys.
Kenny: He-hey, it’s Party Hearty Marty!
Marty: He-hey, it’s, uh…
Kenny: Sir Shots-A-Lot.
Marty: Right. He-hey!
Frasier: Dad, can I have a word with you for a second?
Marty: Yeah, sure.
Kenny: Oh, I’ll get us some coffee.

Kenny walks over to the bar. Marty takes a seat at Frasier’s table.

Marty: Nice guy. Doesn’t hold his liquor like you think he would.
Frasier: Did you tell him that he should go out more?
Marty: Yeah, what’s wrong with that?
Frasier: Well, he is using it as an excuse to quit therapy after one night out with you in a bar, the man is ready to throw away three weeks of intense analysis.
Marty: Fras, the guy’s finally having a little fun. Don’t you want him to be happy?
Frasier: I am not trying to make him happy. I am trying to cure his depression.

Marty looks confused.

Kenny: Hey, Marty, does this remind you of anything?

Kenny takes a shot of espresso.

Kenny: Ow! Hot! Hot!

Frasier rushes to Kenny’s side, and turns to the barista.

Frasier: Get the man some water, would you?

Daphne and Niles are in their house doing yoga. The yogi in almost a whisper gives them instructions.

Ahmrit: And breathe…Daphne, that is an amazing Downward Dog.
Daphne: Thank you.

Niles with knees shaking asks the yoga master.

Niles: What about me, yogi? How does my Downward Dog look?
Ahmrit: Oh, dear. Can we straighten these legs?
Niles: Oh, I wish. Congenitally shortened hamstrings are the curse of the Cranes.
Ahmrit: Well, let’s try a different pose then.

Niles is on his knees.

Ahmrit: Slowly place your left leg between your hands. Pivot your right heal down. Straighten your legs. Put your left arm on your ankle. Raise your right arm, and…triangle pose. Trikona-asana.

Daphne does perfectly as is told, while Niles has his right knee and back bent. Instead of raising his right arm, he has it pointed parallel to the floor with his index finger pointing.

Ahmrit: Niles, just use a block.

Ahmrit takes a block, and positions it for Nile’s to use.

Niles: I don’t need a block.
Ahmrit: Yes, you do.
Niles: No, I really don’t. I don’t like the block. I don’t want to touch…
Ahmrit: Use a block. And breathe…

Ahmrit assists Daphne.

Ahmrit: And slowly bring your back leg up into Half-Moon pose. Now feel your breath leaving your body like a note being blown from a flute.
Daphne: Yes, I feel it.
Ahmrit: Great.

Niles has his right leg bent, left arm slanted, and index finger pointing.

Niles: I’m a flute, too, yogi.
Ahmrit: Yes, of course, you are.

Ahmrit helps out Niles.

Ahmrit: Let’s straighten that leg, Niles.

Ahmrit struggles to straighten Niles’ leg.

Ahmrit: Straighten it out; there we are.

Niles pulls back, and bends his leg again.

Niles: That feels good. Yeah, okay.
Ahmrit: Let’s try again, Niles. Let’s try and straighten that leg.
Niles: Oh, that’s better.
Ahmrit: You can do it. Straighten that leg. Marvel…

Ahmrit straightens Niles’ leg, but Niles bends it again.

Niles: That’s much better. Okay, okay, all right.
Ahmrit: All right, let’s bend the finger, Niles.

Ahmrit bends Niles’ index finger.

Ahmrit: Let’s bend the finger. Bend the finger.

As soon as Ahmrit bends Niles’ finger, it comes back up.

Daphne: Isn’t tthis wonderful, Niles?
Niles: I love it.
Ahmrit: And breathe, and be completely in this moment. Shut off the outside world entirely.

A cell phone rings. Niles is annoyed. Ahmrit answers his cell phone with his normal voice.

Ahmrit: Oh, hi, Mom. I’m kind of in a middle of something right now. Yes, I’m coming. I told you, I’m bringing the lentils. What do you mean again? You love the lentils.

Ahmrit in his yoga master voice speaks to Niles.

Ahmrit: Niles, straighten the leg. Straighten the leg.

Niles follows Ahmrit’s instructions, but falls down on the floor.

Ahmrit: Okay, child’s pose. That’s good too.

Ahmrit on his normal voice resumes speaking on the phone.

Ahmrit: So what if Jerry brings a different dish to every meal. It doesn’t make him a God. Has Jerry achieved inner peace? I’m just asking, Mom, has Jerry achieved inner peace?

Ahmrit addresses Niles and Daphne in is normal voice.

Ahmrit: I have to take this call. Would you please excuse me?

Daphne swiftly stands straight.

Daphne: Whoa! That was fantastic. I feel so energized.
Niles: Well, you are really good. I hope I’m not holding you back.
Daphne: Oh, no, you’re doing wonderfully. He’s paying you so much attention. I think he sees real potential.
Niles: Oh, you don’t have to soothe my ego. Yoga isn’t about competition. It’s about achieving enlightenment, and integrating your inner and outer lives.

Niles pouts.

Frasier arrives at Café Nervosa, and walks up to Marty and Kenny.

Frasier: Hello.
Kenny: Well, this is awkward. I believe you know Martin.

Marty shakes Frasier’s hand.

Frasier: Yes, we’ve already met. Kenny, there’s no reason to feel awkward. Believe me, I have other things to do with my evening than to share my expertise with someone who could use it. Now, if you’ll excuse me.

Frasier goes up to the bar.

Kenny: So, we still on for McGinty’s tonight?
Marty: Yeah, sure, and Kenny, I’ve been thinking about what you’ve been going through, and I’ve come up with the answer. A suede jacket.
Frasier: Did you hear that? A suede jacket. I must have missed that lecture at Harvard Medical School.
Marty: You look good in it, and women love to feel it. It’s like you’re a feast for all the senses. I used to have a suede coat when I was single. Hester made me put it away, but I’d pull it out whenever we’d have a fight, and in a minute, she’d be purring like a kitten.
Kenny: You should break it out again.
Marty: Whoa-ho! At my age? It would kill me.

Marty and Kenny laugh.

Marty: Hey, you got time to do a little shopping?
Kenny: Sure. I think I got my good credit card with me.

Marty gets up, and makes his way to the door. Kenny follows behind him.

Frasier: Leather won’t cure your problems, Kenny. It’s a temporary high.

Daphne and Niles arrive at Café Nervosa.

Marty: Hi, guys.
Niles: Hi.
Daphne: Hello.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, Daphne, hi. Come join me.

Niles gives his order to the barista.

Niles: Two low-fat lattes, a hazelnut biscotti…
Daphne: And one blueberry scone. Oh! Your brother set such a brisk pace walking over here, I could barely keep up with him.
Niles: Now, Daphne. You don’t need to do that.
Daphne: Why not? Shouldn’t I be proud of my husband’s brisk pace?
Niles: Daphne’s trying to build up my ego, because she out-performed me at yoga. It’s not a competition.
Daphne: You see? He’s already mastered the teachings.

The barista arrives with the biscotti.

Daphne: Spiritually, you’re way ahead of me.
Niles: Stop it. Uh, Frasier, wasn’t that your Patient X that was leaving with Dad?
Frasier: Ugh, yes, now my ex-Patient X. Actually, I’d like to discuss it with you if you’ve got a few minutes.
Niles: Well, coincidentally, I just read a fascinating paper on early termination. Well, the hypothesis was…
Daphne: I think I’ll get something to eat.
Niles: Oh, you have something here.
Daphne: Something else.
Niles: Oh, here just have mine.
Daphne: Please, just let me go.

Daphne walks over to the bar.

Niles: So, so, whose decision was it to terminate your sessions?
Frasier: Kenny.

Roz arrives.

Niles: I see. Well, uh, early individuation can stem from anything from transfers to delayed adolescent rebellion.
Frasier: If only it were that complicated, Niles.
Niles: What happened?
Frasier: Well, it’s Dad! He’s been taking Kenny to McGinty’s every night. He’s giving him therapy in the form of beer and fun.
Niles: Poor Kenny.
Frasier: I know. I’ve got to do something. I—I—I can’t just stand by while Dad undermines me.
Niles: Oh, just be careful not to turn this into a competition. As analysts, we have to be above that.
Roz: Hey, Niles. I hear Daphne kicked your ass at yoga.
Niles: Oh, yeah? Well, Frasier just lost a patient.

Daphne and Niles are doing yoga again at their house with Ahmrit.

Ahmrit: Nice Bhujangasana, Daphne. And yours is very nice too, Niles. You’re doing so much better this week.
Niles: Thank you. I just did what you suggested, and imagined myself having the reptilian sinuousness of a lizard scuttling across the desert floor.
Ahmrit: I thought I said rain forest.
Niles: You did, but I don’t like the damp.
Ahmrit: This next move is a little trickier. I’ll demonstrate on Daphne.

Ahmrit walks over to Daphne.

Ahrmit: First of all, bring up your knees, like this…

While Daphne is still on the floor lying on her belly, Ahmrit folds her legs such that they are now perpendicular to the floor.

Ahmrit: Now bring your arms back towards your ankles.

Daphne holds her ankles.

Daphne: Ooh! I don’t think I can do this one.

Daphne let’s go of her ankles.

Daphne: It hurts.
Ahmrit: Oh, don’t push. You should be feeling discomfort not pain. If you feel pain, ease yourself gently back towards discomfort.
Niles: Is it something like this, Yogi?

Niles already holding his ankles, pulls his legs towards his body, and successfully does the pose. He bites his lips.

Ahmrit: I’m impressed, Niles. You know, perhaps one day you might e able to achieve Upward Bow…Urdhva Dhanurasana.
Niles: Oh, you mean this one?

Niles from lying on his back, he bends his knees. While his hands are beside his head, he raises up his body like a bow. Ahmrit is surprised.

Ahmrit: Yes.
Niles: Oh, remind me to tell Rosa to vacuum the sisal.
Ahmrit: I’m speechless, Niles. I’ve never seen such a rapid improvement.
Daphne: How did you do that? Oh, I think I tweaked a muscle on that last pose.
Niles: Oh, no. We should put some ice on that.
Daphne: Good idea. I guess we know who’s better at yoga now.

Daphne limps to the kitchen.

Niles: Now, Daphne, there’s no “better.” It’s all about achieving oneness of body and spirit.

Ahmrit walks over to Niles who’s still on the Upward Bow pose.

Niles: Okay, now, I need you to take me to the hospital.
Ahmrit: What?

Niles slowly lies down on the floor.

Niles: I broke my body. I dislocated my shoulder and I think that one of my ribs has achieved two-ness.

Ahmrit helps Niles up. Daphne returns.

Daphne: What’s going on?
Niles: Ahmrit and I were just going to go out and get a Chai tea. Can we get you one?
Daphne: No, thanks.

Daphne with an ice pack on her hip walks up the stairs.

Daphne: You’re amazing! You have so much energy.
Niles: Ah, well. You know what they say…

Niles turns to Ahmrit.

Niles: Quickly, quickly.
Ahmrit: Just imagine the pain leaving your body like a wips of smoke.
Niles: If you could get the door, I’m starting to hemorrhage. Namaste.
Ahmrit: Namaste.

--McGINTY’S: GOOD FOOD, GOOD FUN, BAD SECURITY—

Frasier arrives at McGinty’s, and approaches Kenny and Marty.

Frasier: Hello.
Marty: Hey! What are you doing here, Fras?
Frasier: Just thought maybe the three of us can have a little chat.

Kenny stands up as a woman approaches him.

Marty: Hey, Doc. This is Trudy.
Frasier: Ah. Delighted. I’m sure.
Trudy: Hey.
Kenny: I’d love to stay and chat, Doc, but, uh, me and Trudy have a dinner date with the Colonel.

Kenny winks at Frasier.

Frasier: Well, if you think you’re ready for that.
Kenny: Well, I’m not hungry now, but I probably will be when we get there.

Trudy laughs.

Kenny: See you guys later.
Marty: Bye!
Trudy: Nice to meet you.
Frasier: Likewise, I’m sure. Have a great time!

Kenny gives Frasier a thumbs up as he walks towards the door.

Kenny: He’s doomed.
Marty: What are you talking about? He scored and she’s a cheap date.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, please. He is not ready for a relationship. How could you let him do something like that?
Marty: Don’t blame me for that; it was the jacket. He wasn’t here ten minutes before she wanted to touch it.
Frasier: You know what? All you’re doing is allowing him to wallow in his state of denial, and what if she rejects him, hmm? The man already has abandonment issues.
Marty: Oh, would you cut out the psychological mumbo-jumbo? Let the guy have a good time.
Frasier: What did you just say?
Marty: I said let the guy have some fun.
Frasier: No, before that. You said “psychological mumbo-jumbo.” So that’s how you characterize my life’s work?
Marty: I’m just saying I don’t think therapy is for everybody. Like Kenny—he just needed to loosen up.
Frasier: Oh, really. So tell me, Dr. Party Hardy Marty…who in your expert opinion, does need therapy?
Marty: Well, Hitler.
Frasier: Hitler.
Marty: Yes, and that woman with all the different personalities, um…Sybil.
Frasier: Hitler! And Sybil. Anyone else?
Marty: No.
Frasier: Great! An entire science devoted to Hitler and Sybil. Do you believe that Niles and I have been wasting our lives? Do you think Mom wasted her life?
Marty: Now, you calm down, Frasier. I’m just saying that you overcomplicate things. Yes, Kenny needed to talk out some problems, but he didn’t need to analyze every moment of his childhood. That’s when it gets into the mumbo-jumbo.
Frasier: I’m just trying to get to the root of his problems.
Marty: Well, you know what? I think you needed to give therapy more than he did to get it.
Frasier: And you know what I think? I think I’m finished listening to you.

Frasier gets up his chair, and sits back again.

Frasier: All right, maybe I did enjoy it. Look, it’s what I was trained to do. It’s what I love to do, and I still think I was doing Kenny some good.
Marty: Well, Frasier, you know, Kenny’s not the only one with mental problems.
Frasier: And what is that supposed to mean?
Marty: Well, it means you can start seeing other patients.
Frasier: Oh, right, right. Well, I’ve, I’ve thought about that.
Marty: Why not if you love it?
Frasier: You know, perhaps I could start seeing people a couple a nights a week. I could even convert Daphne’s old room into an office.
Marty: Well, if you do, while they’re waiting, they’re watching what I want to watch.

Kenny returns to McGinty’s his shirt untucked, and without a jacket.

Kenny: Hey guys.
Frasier and Marty: Kenny!
Marty: What happened?
Frasier: Are you all right?
Kenny: I don’t think Trudy and I are a fit. When we got to the parking lot her boyfriend pushed me down, and took my jacket.
Marty: Aw. I’m sorry.
Kenny: I feel such a loser.
Marty: No. You’re not a loser, and if you need to talk about this Frasier’s pretty good at this sort of thing.

Frasier smiles at his dad.

Frasier: Well, Kenny, I tell you what, whenever you’re ready, okay? For the time being, why don’t you let a couple of buddies get you a beer, okay? Uh…

Frasier signals to the bartender.

Kenny: Thanks. You know it’s too bad that Trudy was just setting me up to get mugged, because up to that point, we were really cooking. Well, here’s to dating!

Kenny raises his mug, and drinks the rest of his beer.

Marty wears his old suede jacket that’s now too small for him. He buttons just the top button, and shows it to Frasier. Frasier gives him a thumbs up.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Kenny on the Couch” episode was written by Bob Daily. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

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Love Among the Ruins – Mad Men Episode Summary 3.2

2011-10-02T18:25:00.003-04:00

Synopsis: Sterling Cooper is going after new businesses with Ken Cosgrove eyeing Pepsi and Pete Campbell going after Madison Square Garden. Complications arise when Paul Kinsey’s activist tendencies comes in full display as he and Pete meet with the executives of Madison Square Garden. Meanwhile, Betty Draper learns that her father’s girlfriend has left him, and is now living alone with only her irresponsible brother to check on him. She and Don come to a decision that they may soon regret.

Episode Summary: The mad men of Sterling Cooper including Peggy Olson watch a reel of Ann-Margret singing Bye Bye Birdie to serve as inspiration for a pitch to land the account of Pepsi’s new brand of diet soda called Patio. Ken Cosgrove leads the team hoping to land a contract with Pepsi. Meanwhile, Pete Campbell is in talks with executives from Madison Square Garden. They are looking for an agency to help them drown out the public outcry with their plan of demolishing Pennsylvania Station, and replacing it with Madison Square Garden. Pete brings with him Paul Kinsey given his work in a campaign that cleared the way for a nuclear plant. Much to his chagrin, Paul displays his disgust with the plan of demolishing what he considers to be a masterpiece of Beaux-Arts. Continue reading...

Lane Pryce calls for the senior partners to inform them that their London office just lost the Campbell Soup account. To Bertram this is a fact of life, but to Lane this is an opportunity lost for Sterling Cooper could have snatched the account, but instead it went to BBDO.

Betty Draper now in what appears to be her second trimester drops by the office to accompany her husband at a dinner with the Pryces. The secretaries entertain her as she waits for Don by guessing the gender of her unborn child using an old world trick. The sight of Roger Sterling only added to her already foul mood. Neither parties appear to be good company as all appear to have been obliged to spend an evening together. The Drapers did not want to be at the dinner as much as Rebecca Pryce did not want to leave London for New York. Aside from the obligatory dinner, Betty is bothered about her father’s situation learning that his girlfriend has left him, and that her irresponsible brother is left to look after him. She informs Don that she has invited her whole family to stay at their house over the weekend.

Roger Sterling gets a visit from his daughter and ex-wife to discuss her daughter’s wedding. On top of having to pay for the whole wedding, Roger learns that Margaret would rather not have Jane attend it. Moreover, Mona has already replaced him. Luckily he does not have to spend lunch with his family as he and Don have been sent to the lion’s den. Lane informs Don that Pete and Paul managed to irate the Vice President of Madison Square Garden, Edgar Raffit, in their previous meeting. Don and Roger are to woo the man with a plan to make Sterling Cooper the agency to make New York see past the ugliness of causing the ruin of a beloved landmark, and to fall in love with an unappealing Madison Square Garden. Don takes the campaign in a different direction. Instead of a Cyrano de Bergerac approach, he suggests that they change the conversation. Using his visit to California as inspiration, he manages to sell his idea of out with the old, in with the new. Don sees New York as a decaying city that needs a facelift. Madison Square Garden is the beginning of a new city on a hill. Edgar Raffit is charmed with the direction they are to take, and his only request is for Paul Kinsey to be out of the account.

The Hofstadts arrive at the Drapers. Betty is relieved to see her father well, but William says otherwise insisting that Gene’s mood constantly changes. He would rather have their father sent to a nursing home, but Betty knows William’s ulterior motive. Her brother has always had his eye on the ancestral house. With their father out of the picture, and Betty having a home of her own, it makes logical sense for William to keep the house.

After Don’s masterful pitch to win the Madison Square Garden account, he is told to drop the account for their mother company is not interested in projects that would take a long time to materialize. Don argues that Madison Square Garden is a long-term investment that has the potential to bring an enormous amount of revenue, but the London office has decided, and they are to comply. Lane takes full responsibility for having the agency go after this new business only to turn them down.

Though probably not the best time to get Don’s approval, Peggy Olson shows him the creative for the Patio ad. Surprised to hear that Don has not seen Ann-Margaret singing Bye Bye Birdie, she shows him the reel. Peggy finds it odd that the commercial is meant to attract men when their goal is to get women to drink diet soda. Don puts it in another light that Peggy would rather not hear. Men want women like Ann-Margaret, young, excited, and desperate for a man. The sad truth is that girls want to be her, and although Peggy continues to deny it, she herself is one of those girls. Tired of exuding the persona of an odd young woman, Peggy decides to act like the women of her age. She enters a crowded bar, and steals a line from Joan Holloway to get the men’s attention. It worked like a charm.

Don arrives home, and finds it a mess. William managed to make Betty feel guilty for not being able to take care of their father, and has convinced her that they only have two options either they send Gene to a nursing home or William and his wife will move in with him. Don puts his foot down, and solves the problem. He orders William to pretend having come up with the solution that Don presented to him. Their father will be staying with the Drapers with William covering their father’s expenses, and the much-disputed house will remain untouched. In addition, Don kicks William’s family out of his house forcing them to leave the car they arrived in, and take the train back home. So it has been decided, and Gene is not the least bit pleased with other people running his life.

Peggy picks up a young college student at a bar and has dinner with him. They end up in his house about to make love, but then Peggy becomes fearful of making the same mistake she made before. Nonetheless, the two end up in bed. Peggy tries to sneak out without waking her lover whom she has no plans of meeting again. Unfortunately, the young man wakes from his sleep, and finds her on her way out. Peggy manages to fend off any chance of starting a relationship, as what the two of them had is nothing but a one-night stand.

Betty hears a noise downstairs. She wakes her husband, and together they find Gene emptying bottles of wine into the sink. The sounds of the sirens had prompted him to do so thinking that they were still living in the time of Prohibition. Betty comes to a realization that her brother was right after all. Their father is indeed ill.

The Drapers attend Sally’s school’s Field Day to watch her class dance around the Maypole as a symbol of renewal of springtime. Don watches Sally’s teacher intently as she dances around the pole with her students. The teacher is carefree and happy like Ann-Margaret. He may have just found himself another lover.

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Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike – Monk Transcript 5.2

2011-09-25T18:42:00.001-04:00

The City of San Francisco is littered with trash.

Reporter: The longest garbage strike in the history of San Francisco continues, and there is still no end in sight. On every street corner the trash continues to pile up. Negotiations between the city and the sanitation workers have completely broken down. So, how are residents coping? Well, so far the people of San Francisco can be very proud of themselves. No one is panicking. In fact, it seems everybody is rising to the occasion, coming together and taking this latest crisis in stride.

Adrian Monk is in his house covering his nose with a handkerchief. Natalie Teeger lights up an incense to mask the stench.

Natalie: See. That’s better, right?
Monk: No, please, not incense. That smells worse than garbage.
Natalie: Okay, fine, I’ll put it out.
Monk: Oh, Natalie, what am I gonna do? The whole city reeks.
Natalie: I’m starting to get used to it.
Monk: You are, really? Then you’re gonna love hell. All right, look, listen, I’ve got to get out of town. Let’s just get in the car, and go somewhere upwind, please.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I can’t just leave. I have Julie here. It’s a school week.
Monk: Well, we’ll take her with us. I’ll teach the girl. I’ll tutor the girl. She’s not up to fractions yet, is she? Continue reading...

A huge vehicle passes by.

Monk: Listen. Listen, that’s a truck. That sounds like a garbage truck, right?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it’s not a garbage truck.

Monk looks outside.

Monk: They’ve settled the strike! It’s all over! Turn on the news. Ah, false alarm. It’s a bus.

Natalie turns on the TV. Jimmy Cusack, Jr, the president of the sanitation workers union, is at a press conference.

Cusack: All we want. All we’ve ever wanted is a fair contract for ourselves and for our families. This union is willing to stay out for as long as it takes! Two weeks, two months. We will never back down. We will never surrender.
Monk: It’s all his fault. Jimmy Cusack. Hate that guy. I wish he was dead.
Natalie: Don’t say that.
Monk: I do. I wish he was dead.
Natalie: Yeah, what if something happened to him? You’d feel terrible.
Monk: No, I wouldn’t.
Natalie: Yeah, you would.
Monk: No, I wouldn’t.
Natalie: Yeah, you would.
Reporter on TV: Is very much for real, and shows no signs of coming to an end.

A cleaning lady enters the office of Jimmy Cusack, Jr.

Cleaning Lady: Oh, Mr. Cusack, I didn’t see you. Mr. Cusack?

The cleaning lady looks at Mr. Cusack sitting on his chair, and finds that he has a bullet hole in his right temple. The cleaning lady screams in Spanish and runs out the office.

Adrian Monk is at his house stacking up boxes when somebody knocks on the door.

Delivery Man: Yeah, you called for a pick-up?
Monk: Yeah, thank you. Right there. Thank you.

The delivery man with his hand truck enters the house.

Monk: Watch the woodwork.
Delivery Man: Uh, there’s no address on these.
Monk: I know. Just send them anywhere. It doesn’t matter.
Delivery Man: Well, we can’t just send them anywhere, Sir. We got to have an address.
Monk: Don’t you guys have a depot place, where you can just put them in the corner?
Delivery Man: Put them in the corner?
Monk: Oh, okay, okay. All right, uh, what’s your address?
Delivery Man: Have a nice day, Sir.
Monk: All right, okay! All right, okay. Hold on. Hold on.

Adrian Monk writes an address on the packing slip.

Monk: Okay, just a second. All right, okay, there it is, there’s the address. And that’s where you send it, right there.

The delivery man hauls the boxes with his hand truck, and makes his way out.

Monk: Thank you very…watch the woodwork, watch the trim.

Natalie Teeger arrives.

Natalie: What were you doing?
Monk: Ah, nothing. Nothing.
Natalie: Where’s your garbage? Did you just mail your garbage to somebody?
Monk: These are desperate times, Natalie. Desperate times.

Natalie shows Mr. Monk the newspaper.

Monk: What?
Natalie: Are you happy?
Monk: Mmm, no.
Natalie: You got your wish.

Natalie gives Mr. Monk the newspaper with the headline “Union Boss Found Dead – Apparent Suicide”.

Monk: Jimmy Cusack…what, wait, whoa. You think I did this?
Natalie: Yeah, I think you did with your karma. You said you wanted the guy dead.
Monk: Oh, I was joking. It’s a figure of speech!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you need to be careful what you wish for. Look. Because of his death, the union has stopped all negotiations. Nobody’s talking. The strike’s gonna go on for years. Good job.

The sanitation workers are at their union meeting.

Workers: Union! Union! Union! Union! Union!
Union Rep: I’ve known Jimmy Cusack…I’ve known Jimmy Cusack my whole life. His old man and my old man came up together. They rode the same truck! Now, Jimmy had a temper and Jimmy had his problems, but he was not suicidal, no way, no how.

The workers shout in agreement.

Union Rep: Mayor Nicholson, and his lap dogs down at the police department. They’re telling us the case is closed.

The workers boo.

Union Rep: Here’s what we say. Mayor Nicholson, you can go to hell.

The workers exclaim in agreement.

Workers: Union! Union! Union! Union! Union! Union! Union!

The microphone feeds back. Everybody stops chanting and looks at Mr. Monk at the mic.

Monk: Hello? My name is Adrian Monk. Uh, I am not technically a sanitation worker although I have always felt like one in spirit. I recognize a lot of you, Ronnie, Morris.
Union Rep: Excuse me, Sir? We appreciate your support, but this is a closed meeting.
Monk: I won’t be long. I just wanted to say you’ve made your point. Congratulations, we get it now. You can all go back to work. Union!
Union Rep: Wait a minute! What about our contract?
Workers: Yeah!
Monk: Okay, I know money is important.
Worker: Damn right!
Monk: But that’s not why you guys became garbage men, is it? You’re doing God’s work out there. You’re keeping the streets clean for the people. Right? You do it, say it with me, “for the people.”

Two of the union reps discuss with each other.

Monk: Well, let me tell you something. The people are suffering. People…people are going a little nuts out there. The people can’t wash the stink off their hands. The people are having trouble sleeping. The people woke up this morning, at 5 o’clock, couldn’t get back to sleep because it smelled like a buffalo had died in the people’s closet.

Workers exclaim.

Union Rep: Sir, excuse me. Excuse me, Sir? Are you Adrian Monk, the detective?
Monk: Yeah, that’s right.

Mr. Monk is walking down a hallway with the Union Reps.

Union Rep: We’ve heard a lot about you Mr. Monk. You’re a great detective, and from what we can tell you’re an honest man.
Union Rep #2: You’re on your own, right? You’re not working for the cops?
Monk: I’m a private consultant.
Union Rep: Good, then you’ll be an objective voice. We want to hire you.
Monk: Hire me?
Union Rep: We want you to look into what happened to Jimmy Cusack.
Union Rep #2: If you say it’s a suicide that’ll be good enough for us. We’ll go back to the bargaining table.
Monk: I’m pretty sure it was a suicide.
Union Rep: How can you tell? Don’t you have to, you know, look around, investigate?
Monk: Yeah. Right.

Adrian Monk with Natalie, Captain Stottlemeyer, Randy Disher, and two union employees survey the office of Jimmy Cusack.

Monk: Jimmy Cusack was sitting there.
Stottlemeyer: Yup.
Monk: Okay.

Monk looks at the crumbs on one of the chairs.

Monk: But there was somebody else here, and they…he had his feet up.

Monk points at the scuff marks on the desk, and looks at the bowl of mixed nuts.

Monk: And he ate all the cashews.
Natalie: What does that mean?
Monk: He probably liked the cashews best.

Monk starts coughing.

Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Monk: Yeah, I’m just…it’s just hard to think.
Natalie: He hates the smell. It’s the smell.

Captain Stottlemeyer closes the open window.

Monk: Okay. Give me the timeline.
Stottlemeyer: I got it right here. Cusack was last seen alive in here sitting at his desk at around 9:30. The cleaning crew found him this morning at 7 o’clock.
Disher: The coroner said the body had been cold about seven hours.
Monk: So, midnight…was he upset about something or depressed?
Stottlemeyer: Besides the whole city hating his guts, as a matter of fact he was, Ron? This is Ron Neely. He’s the chief accountant with the union.
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk.
Ron: I was going through the books yesterday getting ready for the next round of talks, and I found a few irregularities.
Stottlemeyer: Three hundred grand from the pension fund went “poof.”
Ron: 304.2, actually.
Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Ron: I called Jimmy about midnight, and asked him about it.
Monk: What, what did he say?
Ron: He kind of groaned, and then he said,”What took you so long?”
Monk: This sounds like suicide.
Stottlemeyer: but you are the independent investigator, and you have to decide for yourself.

Captain Stottlemeyer hands Adrian Monk the case file.

Monk: I’m gonna say suicide.
Stottlemeyer: Suicide it is.
Disher: Thank you, Mr. Neely.

All prepare to leave.

Natalie: No, no, no, no.
Monk: That was easy.
Natalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, no, no, no, you haven’t even looked around.
Monk: I did. I looked around.
Natalie: No, no, no. You didn’t do the thing, you know. With your hands. With your hands.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger return to Jimmy Cusack’s office.

Natalie: Come on. Come on.

Mr. Monk begins looking around. He notices a picture of Jimmy Cusack playing tennis.

Monk: He was left-handed?

Natalie looks at the crime photo with Jimmy Cusack holding the gun on his right hand.

Monk: He’s holding the gun in his right hand.
Natalie: His left hand was bandaged.
Monk: So, he probably sprained his wrist. Couldn’t hold the gun in his left…

Mr. Monk returns to the chair where the corpse was found.

Natalie: What? What?
Monk: The bullet hole and the blood spatter. He must have been sitting all the way back in this chair. How did he raise his arm? There’s no room.

Mr. Monk inspects the bullets.

Monk: These are the bullets from the gun. That’s strange.
Natalie: What?
Monk: No fingerprints. They’ve been wiped clean. Why would anyone who’s about to kill himself, wipe the fingerprints off the bullets.
Natalie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you saying? It was murder?
Monk: Yeah.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher steps out of the sanitation workers union office. They are followed by Monk, Natalie, Ron Neely, and the union rep.

Reporters: Captain! Captain!

Monk starts coughing.

Monk: Oh, man!
Reporter: Mr. Monk, who hired you?
Monk: Well, the sanitation union asked me to look at the evidence.
Reporter: And what do you think? Was the coroner right?
Monk: Well.

A guy throws something in the trashcan, and runs inside the building. Mr. Monk looks at the man as he passed Ron Neely.

Monk: Uh.
Reporter: Mr. Monk, was this suicide or murder?
Monk: No, no, no, no. There was no murder. This was definitely suicide. Let’s try and get everybody back to the bargaining table, and get all this garbage off the street.
Reporter: Okay, thank you.
Monk: Thank you.

Captain Stottlemeyer holds a press conference at the police station.

Stottlemeyer: Of course, there’ll be a formal inquest, but as of this moment, the police department is completely satisfied that Union President Jimmy Cusack died by his own hand. Now, that conclusion has just been verified by Adrian Monk, a distinguished independent investigator.
Reporter: Captain, Captain! So you’re saying the case is closed?
Stottlemeyer: It is. As far as I’m concerned, the case is closed. Thank you.

Adrian Monk returns home with a disappointed Natalie Teeger. Adrian Monk goes to his bathroom. Natalie follows him.

Monk: What?
Natalie: You know what. Mr. Monk, I’m so disappointed in you.
Monk: What took you so long?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you lied back there about a murder case!
Monk: Okay, look. I’m not a hundred percent sure it was murder. It could have been suicide. Detective Thurber agrees with me.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I was with you. You showed me all the evidence. The blood on the chair. No fingerprints on the bullets.
Monk: Natalie, obviously, you don’t understand. Some things are bigger than the truth.
Natalie: Like what?
Monk: Like that mountain of garbage out there! The truth is buried alive out there.
Natalie: Look at me. Look at me. Seriously. I don’t think that I could work for a dishonest man.
Monk: It was for the greater good. You heard that right, the greater good. Turn on the news! They resumed negotiations. Everybody’s talking again. I am the hero here.
Natalie: You are not a hero, Mr. Monk. You are letting a killer go free so you can get your garbage picked up.
Monk: Okay, Natalie. Let me explain one more time about the greater good.

Natalie and Mr. Monk drop by the police station.

Natalie: You think I’m joking, Mr. Monk? I’m not kidding, okay? Now, come on.
Monk: Okay, now is not a good time, they’re busy.
Natalie: Okay, you know what? I know you think that I’m joking. I’m not going to show up tomorrow. No, this is it.
Monk: All right.
Natalie: Tell them.
Monk: Okay.
Stottlemeyer: What?

Monk speaks under his breath.

Monk: It was murder.
Natalie: Louder.
Monk: It was murder.
Stottlemeyer: You’re not talking about the Jimmy Cusack case, are you?
Natalie: Yeah, Mr. Monk here saw some stuff at the crime scene he’s failed to mention. He thinks it’s a homicide.
Monk: It was for the G.G. The greater good! The G.G. Captain, the stench out there, the stench! I can’t think straight. A smell like that can kill. People die from smells everyday. That’s a fact.

Captain Stottlemeyer glares at Mr. Monk.

Monk: That is a beautiful suit.
Stottlemeyer: Monk! Twenty minutes ago, I went on the record defending your suicide theory. I was on TV! My name was across the screen! I’m gonna look like an idiot.

Captain Stottlemeyer turns to Lt. Disher.

Stottlemeyer: Call Larry Cutler at the mayor’s office. Get him on the phone right now. Dial fast.
Disher: I’m dialing.
Stottlemeyer: Dial like the wind!
Monk: Are you happy?
Natalie: Someone had to do it.

Lt. Disher is on the phone.

Disher: Larry, hey, it’s Randy Disher.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Larry.
Disher: Yeah, I’m here with Adrian Monk. Listen. He’s having second thoughts about the Jimmy Cusack suicide.
Monk: Why do I have to be so good.
Disher: I know. I know.
Monk: Why can’t I be like a regular detective, like…

Mr. Monk looks at Captain Stottlemeyer. Lt. Disher hangs up the phone, and turns to Monk.

Disher: The Deputy Mayor wants to see you.

A guide tours a group of kids around City Hall.

Tour guide: This is the main rotunda, the heart of City Hall. The acoustics in this room are a little bit quirky. I need two volunteers.

No one volunteers. The tour guide picks the two kids in front.

Tour guide: Okay, you two. Go over there.

The kids walk over to The Whisper Spot.

Tour guide: Keep going. Okay, now whisper something to each other. Be very quiet.

The kids whisper at each other.

Boy: This is so boring.
Girl: Yeah, I know.

Everyone hears their conversation.

Boy: I hope they have a gift shop.
Tour guide: It’s called the whisper spot. Isn’t that cool? All right, come with me. Now, I want to show you the mailroom.

Captain Stottlemeyer with Lt. Disher, Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger arrive at City Hall.

Stottlemeyer: They’re with me.
Monk: Uh, I still smell it.
Natalie: Well, it’s the same air. Did you think City Hall was some kind of magical place, like the land of Oz, where nothing bad ever happens?
Monk: Yes, yes, I did.
Disher: I did, too.

Larry Cutler receives them.

Stottlemyer: Larry.
Larry: Captain Stottlemeyer.
Stottlemeyer: How are you doing?
Larry: It’s the worst week of my life. Thanks for asking. I’m 30 years old, and I’m eating antacids like they’re M&Ms. Is this Monk?
Monk: Yes, hello. I didn’t quite understand about the M&Ms.
Larry: It was a joke, Mr. Monk. But here’s a real joke. Twenty minutes ago the union hears a rumor about you changing your mind. Boom. It all hit the fan. Negotiations are kaput. The union walked out. Nobody’s talking. It’s over.

The mayor’s secretary knocks, and opens the door to the mayor’s office.

Secretary: Mr. Mayor, I’m so sorry. There’s a man here. He says he’s a former detective. He’s out there mumbling something about his wife and a car bomb.

Adrian Monk enters the office.

Monk: Mr. Mayor, I’m sorry to interrupt. I know you’re very busy. My name’s Adrian Monk.

A security guard comes between Mr. Monk and the Mayor.

Mayor: Wait, Detective Monk? Come on in. Dennis, it’s fine. Karen, it’s okay. Mr. Monk is on our team. I hope. So, Adrian Monk, we meet at last.
Monk: Yeah.
Mayor: My predecessor, Mayor Dunway, said some really great things about you. You have an amazing track record, but please, sit down.
Monk: I, uh…I’m okay.

Adrian Monk cleans up the Mayor’s desk before taking a seat.

Mayor: My garbage hasn’t been collected either. We’re all in this together, Mr. Monk. Did you talk to the deputy mayor?
Monk: Yes, I did.
Mayor: He explained the situation.
Monk: Right.
Mayor: Frankly, we’re stuck. Nobody’s talking. Nobody trusts anybody. We gotta solve this Jimmy Cusack case ASAP. What do you think?

The Mayor takes a seat, and picks up a bowl of nuts.

Monk: Okay, here’s the thing, Mr. Mayor.

The Mayor puts his feet up.

Monk: Even if I do find the man who killed Jimmy Cusack, even if the strike ends tomorrow, it’s not gonna solve the big problem.
Mayor: What problem is that?
Monk: Your honor, we have got to, um…you’ve got to face facts. The city is ruined forever. It’s a total loss. Even if we clean up all the garbage tomorrow, we’ll never get the stink out. It’s like the dining room carpet when the cat makes a B.M. on there. What do you do? You don’t have any choice really. You got to replace the carpet. You got to…you got to get rid of the cat. You can never eat in that dining room again, can you? No, you can’t. But I do have a plan. I have a plan.
Mayor: Oh good.
Monk: Yes, Sir. It just came to me last night in a vision. One, we evacuate the city. Every man, woman and child.
Mayor: Evacuate?
Monk: Two, we burn it down. We just burn it. Scorched earth. Then just to be safe, we collect all the ashes, and what do we do? We burn the ashes. Three, we bring everybody back, and we start over. Think of it, just think of it. We rebuild San Francisco from scratch. Start fresh, everything clean, everything’s brand new. Gonna have that new city smell, fresh off the lot! We can even straighten out Lombard Street while we’re at it.
Mayor: Maybe.
Monk: Yeah, but sir, if you don’t write it down, you’ll forget it.
Mayor: Oh, I don’t think I’m gonna forget this.
Monk: So, you’ll think about it.
Mayor: Oh, yes, yes, absolutely. I promise.

Mr. Monk prepares to leave.

Mayor: Yeah, but Mr. Monk, I’m gonna need you to promise me something.
Monk: Anything.
Mayor: I want you to promise that you’re gonna get some sleep before you start working on this murder case.

Mr. Monk scoffs turns around then stops.

Mayor: Are you okay?

Mr. Monk turns around, and points at the table.

Monk: Scuff marks?
Mayor: Oh, yeah, yeah. New shoes. No big deal.
Monk: You like cashews?
Mayor: Oh, yeah, my wife says I like them too much. Here, help yourself.
Monk: No, no thanks. I’m going to go back to Jimmy Cusack’s office, have a look around.
Mayor: Oh, yeah.
Monk: Never been there? Jimmy Cusack’s office?
Mayor: No, never have. Well, you let me know if you find something, now. Keep me in the loop.
Monk: That’s funny, Sir. I was talking to somebody. They said, they thought they saw you there the night he died.
Mayor: Well, they’re mistaken. What would I be doing in Jimmy Cusack’s office? He hated my guts. Everybody knew that. I’m afraid I’m going to have to make some calls right now so good luck to you, Mr. Monk.
Monk: Yeah.
Mayor: Anything you need, be sure and let me know.

Mr. Monk runs to Natalie, Capt. Stottlemeyer, and Lt. Disher down at the lobby.

Natalie: There he is. What took you so long?
Monk: I was upstairs talking to the Mayor.
Stottlemeyer: You were in his office?
Monk: I just broke the Cusack case wide open.
Disher: You have a suspect?
Monk: Oh, yeah. I have a suspect.
Natalie: Well, who is it?
Monk: Okay, you can’t tell anybody. This is big. This is going to rip the city apart. Captain.

Lt. Randy Disher shushes Mr. Monk. Randy whispers.

Disher: Reporters. Over here.

Lt. Disher leads them away from reporters.

Monk: Okay.
Disher: Hang on. Hang on. Just a little bit further just to make sure.

Randy leads them further away such that they are now standing at The Whisper Spot. They all speak in a whisper.

Stottlemeyer: What is it?
Monk: Okay, but you have to promise me that you won’t tell anyone until I am a hundred percent sure.
Natalie: Who’s he gonna tell?
Stottlemeyer: What?
Monk: Because if I am right, this is going to be the biggest story of the year.

The reports heard just what Monk said.

Monk: The Mayor was in Jimmy Cusack’s office the night he was killed.
Stottlemeyer: Are you saying the mayor is…Mayor Nicholson’s the guy?
Monk: I am saying he was involved. He is definitely hiding something.
Disher: Whoa. I mean, wow!
Natalie: What are we gonna do?
Stottlemeyer: I don’t know, but Monk is right. We have to be very careful. Nobody says a word. Not a…

Captain Stottlemeyer chances upon the sign that says The Whisper Spot.

Stottlemeyer: Oh, hell.

He turns to his side. The reporters with their camera crew run towards them.

Reporters: Captain!

The sanitation workers gather in front of City Hall.

Workers: Enough is enough! Enough is enough!
Union Rep: Mayor Nicholson! You cannot hide in there forever! We know what you did! You have blood on your hands! What do we want?
Workers: Justice for Jimmy!
Union Rep: What do we want?
Workers: Justice for Jimmy!
Union Rep: What do we want?
Workers: Justice for Jimmy!
Union Rep: Enough is enough!
Workers: Enough is enough! Enough is enough! Enough is Enough! Enough is enough!

Adrian Monk is at Dr. Kroger’s office.

Monk: Oh, I’ve done it again. Made the situation worse. The union wants the Mayor indicted for murder. The Mayor’s denying everything, and I haven’t slept in nine days.

A garbage bag falls down at the garden of Dr. Kroger’s office.

Monk: It keeps piling up. I always hated garbage even when I was a kid. We lived 2.2 miles from the city dump. I used to lie in bed smelling it. I had nightmares all the time about trash bags piling up outside higher and higher, until we couldn’t leave the house. We were buried alive.

Another garbage bag falls down the garden.

Monk: And now it’s coming true. Dr. Kroger?
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, have you been sending me your trash?

Monk scoffs.

Monk: No.
Dr. Kroger: See, I’ve been getting boxes of trash sent to me in the mail.
Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, really. Now, Adrian, don’t deny it. It’s all sorted according to color and food groups. It’s your handwriting on the label. It’s upsetting my wife, it’s upsetting my children, and I want it to stop.

More garbage bags fall down the garden.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, do you hear me? I want it to stop!
Monk: I want it to stop too.

Natalie and Mr. Monk stand at a corner of City Hall.

Natalie: Mr. Monk maybe we missed him.
Monk: No, he always uses this door to avoid the press. He’ll be out soon. He has to go home some time.
Natalie: Yeah, so do I. Oh, it looks like rain! That’ll help, right? It’ll wash away the stench?
Monk: Yeah. Contaminate the city’s water supply. Probably kill a half a million people.
Natalie: That’s the spirit.
Monk: Oh, Your Honor! Mr. Mayor!
Larry: That’s the guy. Get him out of here!
Monk: Sir, this will only take a minute.
Mayor: You know, let him through, I want to talk to this guy anyway. Mr. Monk, do you have any idea what you’ve done to me? I’ve been accused of a lot of things. Matter of fact, I’ve been accused of just about everything. But this?

The Mayor shows Mr. Monk the newspaper headline “Mayor To Be Questioned In Murder”.

Larry: We asked you to look into a man’s death. We never expected you to accuse the Mayor of homicide.
Natalie: You have to understand, he’s having a really tough week.
Mayor: Tougher than this?

The Mayor shows them the newspaper headline again.

Monk: Here’s the thing. It might be months before there’s an indictment then there’s the trial, which could take forever. The union won’t go back to work until there’s a verdict.
Mayor: What do you want me to do?
Monk: Well, if it isn’t too inconvenient, I was thinking maybe you could confess, and then resign temporarily.

The Mayor and his staff walk away. They walk into the pouring rain to the Mayor’s car.

Monk: Sir, sir, you were in Jimmy Cusack’s office that night. Why are you lying about that?
Larry: Sir, don’t answer that. The Mayor was at home Monday night with his wife all night from 8 o’clock on. If you have any other questions submit them to the district attorney’s office. Okay, let’s go, Sir.
Mayor: I see you found my umbrella, where was it?
Larry: It was in a drug store downtown on Vinton Street. Somebody turned it in.
Mayor: A drug store? I was never in any drug store! Here, take this.
Monk: Natalie. Natalie, was it raining Monday night?
Natalie: I think so, Mr. Monk. Why?

Captain Stottlemeyer, Lt. Disher, Mr. Monk and Natalie visit the drug store at Vinton Street.

Clerk: Oh, you mean the plaid umbrella, yeah. I found it Tuesday morning. I was punching out. It was right over here. It said “Property of City Hall” so…I dropped it off. Is there a reward?
Disher: Yeah, you did the right thing. That’s your reward.
Stottlemeyer: Jimmy Cusack was killed right around midnight, just up the street.
Monk: Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?
Clerk: How many do you need?
Monk: About a trillion.
Natalie: All right, Mr. Dekker, back to the umbrella. Did you notice who left it?
Dekker: No.
Stottlemeyer: Do you happen to have the sales receipts from that night?
Dekker: Maybe. Is there a reward?

Captain Stottlemeyer, Monk, Natalie and Lt. Disher go through the receipts.

Disher: Here’s one from 1 a.m., Sir.
Dekker: You wanna tell me what this is all about?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Dekker: Okay, fair enough.
Monk: Here it is. Here it is. 12:24 a.m. he paid cash. Bottled water, a pack of Belgian Gold cigarettes, and a wrist bandage. Of course. Here’s what happened.

Flashback ensues. Jimmy Cusack is sitting on his chair when the Mayor enters his office.

Monk: The Mayor snuck into Jimmy Cusack’s office, shot him in the head. He made it look like suicide.

Flashback: The Mayor shoots Jimmy Cusack in the head. He puts the gun on Jimmy Cusacks hand.

Monk: Then he realized that he had just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Flashback: The Mayor notices the picture of Jimmy playing tennis.

Monk: ‘cause Jimmy Cusack was left-handed. Nobody would ever believe he would shoot himself with his right hand, but Jimmy Cusack was already dead. What could the Mayor do?
Captain: Put a bandage on the other wrist.

Flasbhack: The Mayor closes his umbrella and enters the drug store.

Monk: Exactly. He walked two blocks, came in here, bought the wrist bandage then he went back to Jimmy Cusack’s office.

Flashback: The Mayor hangs his umbrella on the counter as he takes a box of wrist bandage.
Monk: And made it look like Jimmy Cusack had a sprained left hand.

Flashback: The Mayor returns to Jimmy Cusack’s office, and puts the bandage on the victim’s left hand.

Monk: And it would have worked too except…
Natalie: He forgot his umbrella.
Stottlemeyer: Well, it should be easy enough to prove. He’s the Mayor for God’s sake.

Captain Stottlemeyer grabs the receipt from Monk, and shows it to the clerk.

Stottlemeyer: Who rang this up?
Dekker: Let’s see? It says, uh, “Cashier number one.” Oh that would be me.
Stottlemyer: Well, do you remember who you sold that to?
Dekker: Maybe I do.
Disher: There’s no reward.
Dekker: I have no idea. There’s so many people coming in here. It could have been anybody. We get all kinds in here.
Monk: Okay, what is it him?

Natalie shows the guy the picture of the Mayor on the front page of the newspaper.

Dekker: The Mayor? What would the Mayor be doing in my store at 12:30 in the morning?
Monk: Buying a wrist bandage.
Dekker: No, it wasn’t him.
Monk: It was him.
Dekker: It wasn’t him.
Monk: It was him!
Dekker: No, it wasn’t him!
Monk: It was him.
Dekker: Look, I’m not an idiot. I think I would notice if the Mayor of San Francisco was in my store at 12:30 in the morning. It wasn’t him.
Disher: So, you were wrong? ‘Cause usually when you say “Here’s what happened”, it’s pretty much what happened.
Monk: Captain, it’s the stench. It’s everywhere. I can’t possibly…
Stottlemeyer: It wasn’t the Mayor, Monk.
Monk: No.
Stottlemeyer: Aw, hell. I’m gonna have to go out to the press and retract everything!
Dekker: So, what’s the big deal? Like he’s never been wrong before?
Natalie: No. No, he hasn’t.

Natalie comforts Mr. Monk.

Natalie: It’s okay.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher rush to the street as Natalie runs towards them.

Natalie: Thank God you’re here. He’s having some sort of breakdown. He won’t even talk to me.
Stottlemeyer: What the hell’s he doing?

Mr. Monk, driving a garbage truck, honks at them.

Natalie: He’s cleaning up San Francisco single-handedly.
Monk: Hi Captain! Lieutenant!
Stottlemeyer: Where did he get the truck?
Natalie: He told the dispatcher it was a police emergency.
Disher: He’s like a vigilante. A garbage vigilante.
Stottlemeyer: You could say that, but don’t.

Mr. Monk steps out of the garbage truck.

Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk! How you doing?

Mr. Monk runs to the sidewalk and picks up the garbage bags.

Monk: So far, so fabulous. I’ve done seven, eight, nine houses.
Stottlemeyer: Well, good for you. It looks great.
Monk: Yeah.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, do you intend to clean up the entire city by yourself?
Monk:Well, that’s the plan, Stan. Street by street. One bag at a time. One bag at a time. One bag at a time.

Mr. Monk hops in the garbage truck.

Disher: Where are you gonna put all the garbage?
Monk: I got it all figured.

Mr. Monk starts driving slowly.

Monk: When this truck’s full, I’m going to drive it into the bay then come back get another truck keep driving them into the bay. One bag at a time. One truck at a time. One bag at a time. One truck at a time.

Mr. Monk hops out of the garbage truck.

Stottlemeyer: Well, so long as you got a plan.
Monk: Yeah!

Mr. Monk runs to the sidewalk to pick up more garbage.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, the case, remember? Jimmy Cusack?

Mr. Monk laughs.

Monk: Ah, I forgot to tell you. I solved that case about an hour ago.
Stottlemeyer: Wait what? You solved the case?
Monk: Take a look, take a look, take a little look!

Mr. Monk pulls out a flyer from his jumpsuit pocket.

Monk: This was stapled to a telephone pole. It was right in front of us the whole time.

Mr. Monk shows them a flyer on Alice Cooper’s concert.

Monk: He’s the guy.
Stottlemeyer: Who’s the guy?

Mr. Monk hops back into the garbage truck.

Disher: Alice Cooper?
Stottlemeyer: What? Are you telling us that Alice Cooper, the rock star, killed Jimmy Cusack?
Monk: First off, I don’t think Alice Cooper is his real name. But take a closer look. He is sitting in an antique wingback chair the same kind of chair Jimmy Cusack was sitting in when he was killed. Check this out.

Mr. Monk hops out of the garbage truck.

Monk: Check out the date. April 5th, Monday night. The same night as the murder. Coincidence?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, coincidence.
Monk: Ah, no, we were looking at this case all wrong.

Mr. Monk grabs more garbage bags.

Monk: It was never about Cusack. It was never about the garbage strike. It was never about the sanitation union. It was about the chair. The antique chair! The antique wingback Cusack chair!

Mr. Monk hops back in the garbage truck.

Monk: Here’s what happened.

Flashback ensues.

Monk: It is no secret that rock and roll stars collect antiques especially antique chairs!

Flashback: Alice Cooper sitting on his antique wingback chair is reading the Chair Digest magazine.

Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you talking about?
Monk: Alice Cooper must have read about Jimmy Cusack’s handcrafted wingback chair.

Flashback: Alice Cooper reads the Chair Digest’s profile of Jimmy Cusack that shows a picture of him sitting on a wingback chair.

Monk: He was consumed with envy. He was consumed with resentment.

Flashback: Alice Cooper sees himself caressing Jimmy Cusack’s wingback chair.

Monk: Alice had to possess the fairest antique wingback chair in all the land.

Mr. Monk hops out of the garbage truck.

Disher: Should I be writing this down?
Stottlemeyer: Nope.

Flashback: Alice Cooper violently attacks Jimmy at his office, and shoots him in the head.

Monk: It’s true. Alice Cooper is a hippie, but he’s the bad kind of hippie. He’s the kind of hippie that breaks into people’s offices and beats them up, and shoots them in the head. Why? To steal their antique chairs.
Disher: Why didn’t he take the chair?
Monk: Hello? Had a bullet hole in it. Had blood on it. He didn’t want it anymore.
Disher: He could have washed it.
Stottlemeyer: Randy, I don’t think we need to stand here and pick apart the Alice-Cooper-wants-an-antique-chair theory.
Monk: If you will excuse me, I have a city to clean. One bag at a time! One bag at a time. One bag at a time.

Mr. Monk throws another garbage bag into the back of the truck then starts the compressor. However, instead of the truck eating the bags, it starts to push the bags out on to the street.

Monk: Oh! I got it. I got it. Hold on! It’s all up to me! I got it!

Mr. Monk tries to push all the bags back into the truck, but all of them come falling on him pushing him to the ground. The garbage piles up on Mr. Monk.

Monk: Oh, God! One bag at a time!
Disher: It might be time to call Dr. Kroger.
Stottlemeyer: I got an idea.
Monk: One bag at a time!
Stottlemeyer: Here, help me get him to the car.

Stottlemeyer steps inside a white room wearing an all white Hazmat suit. Mr. Monk wearing the same outfit follows him.

Barry: You can sit over there. Don’t touch anything.
Stottlemeyer: Thanks, Barry. Thank the old man, too.

Barry leaves Mr. Monk and Captain Stottlemeyer alone.

Stottlemeyer: Feeling better?
Monk: Where are we?
Stottlemeyer: It’s called a fabrication room. This is where they assemble their new circuit boards. I know the guy in charge of their security. He owed me a favor.
Monk: I can’t smell anything.
Stottlemeyer: That’s right. They have their own oxygen supply. It is one hundred percent germ-free.
Monk: Germ-free?
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, you are sitting in the cleanest room in the world.
Monk: It’s quiet, too.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Well, we haven’t got all day. They’re kicking us out at two o’clock. So, why don’t we just kick back and enjoy ourselves?

Captain Stottlemeyer takes out a yoyo and starts playing with it.

Monk: Ah, I can feel my head clearing up.
Stottlemeyer: That’s good.
Monk: It wasn’t Alice Cooper.
Stottlemeyer: I know.
Monk: Leland. I got it. I just got it.

Flashback ensues. Mr. Monk is at the drug store looking at a receipt.

Monk: Remember that receipt from the drug store? The guy that bought that wrist bandage also bought some cigarettes.
Stottlemeyer: That’s right. Belgian Gold.

Flashback: A guy throws something in the trash that caused a loud noise. Mr. Monk looks at him as he passes Ron Neely who was stashing a pack of Belgian Gold cigarettes in his pocket.

Monk: The union accountant, Ron Neely, was smoking imported cigarettes. The box said Belgian Gold.
Stottlemeyer: The accountant. Now you’re making sense. He ran the pension fund. He could have been skimming money for years.
Monk: And he was about to get caught. He knew they’d be going over the books as part of the negotiation. Here’s what happened. I mean, here’s what really happened.

Flashback: Ron Neely quickly walks up to Jimmy Cusack as he was sitting on his chair, and shoots him in the head.

Monk: Neely killed Cusack and made it look like a suicide.

Flashback: Ron puts the gun on Jimmy’s right hand when he notices the picture of Jimmy playing tennis.

Captain: But he screwed up, and he had to run out and buy a wrist bandage. That makes sense. But wait, he grabbed the Mayor’s umbrella.
Monk: Yes, he did.
Captain: How did he get that?

Flashback: Ron Neely grabs the Mayor’s umbrella sitting at Jimmy’s office.

Monk: The Mayor left it there.

Flashback: The Mayor eats from a bowl of mixed nuts at Jimmy’s office with his foot on the desk as he talks to Jimmy.

Monk: The Mayor was in Cusack’s office earlier that night. They were meeting secretly trying to settle the strike.

Flashback: The Mayor smiles, and shakes Jimmy’s hand.

Monk: Officially, the two sides were not supposed to be talking. That’s why the Mayor could never admit he was there.

Flashback: The Mayor grabs his coat, but leaves his umbrella.

Monk: It would have been political suicide.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have been burned twice this week already. Are you sure about this? I mean, are you absolutely sure?

Mr. Monk smiles.

Stottlemeyer: That’s good enough for me.

The San Francisco Chronicle’s front page shows a picture of Capt. Stottlemeyer arresting Ron Neely. Natalie is reading the newspaper outside with Mr. Monk waiting anxiously at the sidewalk.

Natalie: The Captain looks so happy!
Monk: Everybody’s happy, it’s a great day. Listen…here! Here they come! This is it. Here it comes. Get ready. Gentlemen! Hey, boys! Welcome back!

Mr. Monk and Natalie shower the street with confetti as the garbage truck arrives.

Monk: You’re a sight for sore eyes!

Mr. Monk and Natalie cheers.

Monk: It’s a great day! You’re a sight for sore eyes, gentlemen! Whoo! We missed you!

The garbage truck stops. The garbage men hop off the truck.

Garbage Man #1: Ho-ho! Mr. Monk, our hero.
Monk: Uh, no, you’re the hero!
Garbage Man #1: No, you’re the hero!
Monk: No, you’re the…we’re all heroes! Except for Natalie. One bag at a time, gentlemen! That’s the way we do it. Don’t forget the bag of water. Thank you, Morris, thank you guys, thanks so much.
Morris: No, we should be thanking you. You saved our pension fund.
Garbage Man #1: And you got us a brand new contract. Anything you want, Mr. Monk, you let us know.
Monk: All right. You guys do great work. Great work.

The garbage men hop on the truck, and prepare to leave.

Monk: Whoa, whoa, hold it. Excuse me, gentlemen. What about this? The confetti? You just can’t leave that there. Right? I mean you can’t leave that.

The garbage men reluctantly hop off the truck, and take their brooms.

Monk: Thank you, I wouldn’t have thrown it if I thought it was gonna stay in the street. How aobut we start back there, there’s a little bit in the corner there.

Natalie picks up a broom too, and starts sweeping.

Monk: Yeah, this is good, right here. Then you might want to make sure you get under the paper machine. Whoa, no, Natalie, don’t, don’t, don’t you do that. Let them do it. That’s their job.
Natalie: Sorry, Mr. Monk.
Monk: You work for me not for them.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike” episode was written by Andy Breckman and Daniel Gaeta. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

Watch the Monk episode Mr. Monk and the Garbage Strike
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Bridle Waltz – McLeod’s Daughters Episode Summary 2.8

2011-09-18T17:51:00.001-04:00

Synopsis: Peter Johnson’s declaration of wanting to spend the rest of his life with Claire McLeod made their marriage inevitable. Having confirmed that Peter is indeed married, Becky Howard’s dilemma of breaking the news to Claire grows. Meanwhile, Tess McLeod accepts the offer of being one of the partners at her friends’ café in the city.

Episode Summary: Peter Johnson asks the women of Drovers Run some help to put together a romantic dinner for Claire McLeod. The Fountains speculate that he will be proposing to Claire that night, which troubles Tess McLeod. During the candlelit dinner, Peter offers Claire a gift concealed in a small box. Claire opens the box, and finds a ruby necklace inside instead of a ring. He, however, does tell her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her to which Claire confesses to feel the same way about him. Claire becomes slightly concerned when Peter informs her that there are a few things he has to take care off before the two of them can settle down, but the man assures her that there is nothing to worry about. Continue reading...

Anxious about whether the man proposed the women of Drovers Run waste not time to ask Claire as soon as Peter left. Although there was no ring, his statement the previous night made it sound that he will be proposing to her the moment he returns. Learning about the news, Becky becomes even more curious about Peter Johnson. After finding out from Craig Woodland the town where Peter lives, Becky begins her investigation by calling the P. Johnson’s of Roma, Queensland. Soon she learns that Harry Ryan was telling the truth. Peter Johnson is married.

Liz Ryan, missing her boys, drops by Wilgul with the pretense of bringing them food. Liz has come to apologize for keeping the secret that burdened her sons, and to beg them to come home. She does the bidding of Harry Ryan who is too proud to acknowledge his mistake. Aside from his pride, Harry is also a coward. The first one to learn about Peter Johnson’s secret, he passes the responsibility of being the messenger of bad news to Becky Howard. Confirming the rumor, Becky asks Jodi for advice on how to break the news of an affair. Seeing the world to revolve around her, Jodi suspects that Becky has heard of rumors about Craig. Convinced that Craig is cheating on her, Jodi confronts the baffled young man, but learns that he has been going to night school, and not having an affair.

With the prospect of Claire marrying Peter becoming more and more of a reality, Tess finds herself a third wheel, which is why she had accepted to return to the city to help her friends manage their booming café. It is the dream that she always wanted. This news bothers Meg Fountain who promised to keep quiet about it until Tess has everything finalized. Meg is not the only one saddened with the news of Tess leaving, Nick is too. He wonders why the woman feels that she has to move all the way out in the city to avoid being the third wheel. Leaving Madonna at Wilgul, Tess bids farewell to Nick.

As time passes, the harder it becomes for Becky to tell Claire the devastating news about Peter. Asking to speak with her, Claire mistakes the request as a dialogue to ask for a raise, which she gladly gives the young station hand for recognizing Becky’s hard work. Moreover, Claire appears to be preparing herself and Drovers for her inevitable marriage to Peter, and begins tidying up the main house at the possibility of Peter’s family coming for a visit. Unable to keep the burdening secret any longer, Becky bravely breaks the news to Claire who as expected takes it badly.

One of Harry’s calves falls in a mineshaft in Wilgul. Knowing that it is their father’s, Alex finds no desire to rescue the cattle, but Nick sees no reason to let an innocent calf die because of the dispute they have with their father. As a favor to Nick for taking in Madonna, Tess brings the calf to Killarney. Learning that his sons had rescued the calf, Harry drops by Wilgul to personally thank his sons. His modesty, however, is short-lived for he informs Alex and Ryan about the news of Peter being married to which he has someone else to do the dirty job of telling Claire the unfortunate news. Once again, Harry has lost the respect of his sons. He does to them what he did to Becky.

Finding worn, old socks under the bed, Meg is reminded of how she terribly misses Terry. She washes and darns them, and goes over to Killarney as a form of peace offering with the hope of her and Terry getting back together. Regrettably, Meg is embarrassed to learn that the pair of socks belongs to her ex-husband.

Tess, unaware of the news Claire had heard about Peter, continues the road to leaving Drovers. She goes over to her father’s grave to say goodbye, and also to thank her father for giving her the chance to fall in love with Drovers Run, and more importantly for reuniting her with Claire. Clearly, Tess is not ready to leave Drovers, but the turn of events have pushed her aside and away.

Alex and Ryan are put in a situation where they see themselves to have a moral obligation to inform their friend the news that would surely devastate her. Moreover, having grown distrustful of their father, the brothers are unsure whether Harry is telling the truth. At any case, the outcome remains the same. Claire McLeod will never forgive them. True enough, Claire rushes to Wilgul upset, and leaves even more furious upon learning that they knew, but not one of them had the guts to tell her. With the phone number she got from Becky, Claire calls and quickly confirms that Peter Johnson is indeed married.

Still unaware of Claire’s predicament, Tess informs her that she is moving back to the city to fulfill the dream she always wanted – being an owner of a café. Having heard this, Claire loses the opportunity to tell her sister about Peter. Claire does not want to be in the way of her sister’s dreams just as Tess does not to be in the way of her and Peter Johnson. With Tess’ bags all packed and ready to go, Claire had very little time to digest her sister’s leaving. Realizing that she has not given Claire anything, Tess leaves her a crystal that will protect Claire from harm. The sisters tearfully bid farewell to each other. In her old, beat up Volkswagen, Tess waves goodbye to the women of Drovers Run. Nick Ryan on his motorcycle sees her driving away, and goes after her. He calls out to her, but she does not hear him. Tess McLeod turns the corner, and is gone.

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Mr. Monk Can’t See A Thing – Monk Transcript 5.4

2011-09-18T16:46:00.001-04:00

Rusty arrives at the Fire Station bringing with him a tray of sandwiches.

Rusty: All right, gentlemen! Here they are. Get them while they’re warm.
Fireman #1: Hey, Rusty, what’s in these? In case my doctor needs to know.
Rusty: Let me tell you wise guys something when I was on payroll, we respected our elders. I come in here, I volunteer, do I get a “Thank you, Rusty”? No! I get jokes, and they aren’t even funny jokes. They’re old and stale!
Captain: Come on, Rusty, we all love you, you know that. Look, I’m eating one. Continue reading...

Adrian Monk arrives at the Fire Station carrying with him a container filled with smoke detectors.

Monk: Hey! Hey, Karl with a “K.”
Karl: Mr. Monk.
Captain: Oh, hell, he’s back.
Monk: Hey, Chucky, you…you missed a spot. Captain! Can you believe it’s been a year already?
Captain: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you, you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Monk: Yeah, I know, I know, but I’d rather you guys did it. You’re the experts, right?

The fire station alarm sounds

Captain: House fire. Three alarm. Mr. Monk, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to wait.
Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Captain: Sir, there’s a house burning down five blocks away. Don’t you think that should take priority right now?
Monk: Uh…
Captain: Don’t you?

Mr. Monk turns to Rusty.

Monk: I don’t know.
Captain: Let’s go!

All of the firemen at the station leave.

Monk: Okay, but I don’t have all day.

Rusty smokes a tobacco, and helps Mr. Monk test his smoke detectors.

Rusty: How many rooms do you have?
Monk: Five.
Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors for five rooms?
Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say, “You can’t be too careful.” Never say that again.

A man arrives at the Fire Station.

Rusty: Excuse me.

The man ignores Rusty.

Rusty: Hello?

Rusty follows the man, and sees him by the rack of fireman’s coats.

Rusty: Hey, you’re not allowed back here.

The man grabs a shovel, and hits Rusty on the head with it.

Monk: Rusty? Rusty?

Adrian Monk runs over to Rusty.

Monk: Hey!

The man attacks Monk with the shovel, but Monk manages to evade it, and grab a shovel for himself. Monk attacks the man, but the attacker grabs hold of a container with liquid in it, and throws the liquid at Monk’s face. Adrian Monk screams in pain.

Monk: Oh, God! Oh, God!

Natalie Teeger arrives at the Fire Station.

Natalie: Hello? Mr. Monk?

Natalie finds Mr. Monk on the floor squirming in pain, his hands still rubbing his eyes.

Natalie: Oh, my God, Mr. Monk! Oh, my God. Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Monk: Yeah. Uh, is Rusty okay? Check on Rusty.

Natalie checks Rusty’s pulse.

Natalie: I think he’s dead. What happened?
Monk: I don’t know. There was a man. I tried to stop him.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it’s okay, it’s all over now. You can open your eyes.
Monk: Uh.
Natalie: Oh, my God.

Natalie talks on her cellphone.

Natalie: Captain Stottlemeyer, please, it’s an emergency!
Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: Don’t say anything. It’s okay, just sit over there, all right? There’s a chair right there.
Monk: Where, where, where?
Natalie: Right over there.

Monk looks around.

Monk: Natalie, I…I can’t see it.

Monk is at the UCSF Medical Center getting his eyes checked with Leland Stottlemeyer, Randy Disher, and Natalie Teeger.

Stottlemeyer: So, how’s it look, Doc?
Doctor: Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.
Stottlemeyer: Which means what exactly?
Doctor: It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.
Natalie: Shhh…it’s okay, Mr. Monk. He’s afraid of the dark.
Doctor: Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me.
Disher: Monk?
Monk: Huh?
Disher: It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you.

Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face.

Disher: Now I’m squatting I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need…

Randy turns to Captain Stottlemeyer.

Disher: I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…
Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Disher: So from the 11th to the 13th…
Stottlemeyer: Randy. I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher walk away. Adrian Monk groans.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you know this is a top hospital. They’re gonna do everything they can. You can’t give up. There’s always hope.
Monk: There’s never hope.

At the police station, Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher are in blindfolds.

Woman: This is something we do at the School for the Blind. It’s called an empathy exercise. We use it to help families and friends understand what their loved ones are going through. How do you feel right now?
Stottlemeyer: I feel helpless, and out of control.
Disher: Yeah, I feel disoriented.
Stottlemeyer: Even more than usual?
Woman: This is how your friend Adrian’s feeling 24 hours a day. He has to relearn everything, even things he’s done a thousand times. For example, you’ve spent a lot of time here, in the station, you both probably know it pretty well.
Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Woman: I want you to find the water cooler, and pour yourself a cup of water.

Randy jumps to his feet, and starts looking for the water cooler.

Stottlemeyer: Piece of cake.

Randy hits the blinds of the office.

Captain Stottlemeyer stands up, and slowly walks in search of the water cooler. Randy is now outside of the Captain’s office, and hits a desk almost toppling a computer monitor. Randy continues walking, and feels another detective standing by the filing cabinet, and whispers to him.

Disher: Where’s the cooler?

Randy walks and hits another detective’s desk.

Disher: Sorry, sorry.
Stottlemeyer: We’re doing an empathy exercise.

Captain Stottlemeyer walks slowly feeling the corner of a wall when Randy Disher bumps into him.

Stottlemeyer: Hey!

Randy pulls up his blindfold, and points at the Captain who has started to look up, trying to get a peak from under his blindfold.

Disher: He’s cheating.
Stottlemeyer: How does he know I’m cheating unless he’s cheating.

Randy turns and sees the water cooler. He puts his blindfold back on, and walks hurriedly to it.

Disher: I won!
Woman: Lieutenant, this isn’t a competition.
Disher: Well, I know, but if it was a competition, I would have been the winner.

Randy, still blindfolded, pours himself water, but the cup is not under the nozzle. Captain Stottlemeyer pushes his hand so the cup catches the water.

Woman: There’s a trick you can teach your friend. If you stick your finger over the edge of the cup, it won’t overflow.
Stottlemeyer: Ms. Stein, you’ve never met Adrian Monk.

Captain Stottlemeyer takes the cup overflowing with water from Randy hand.

Stottlemeyer: He’s not gonna be sticking fingers in any cups. He’d sooner die of thirst. The thing is, this guy is really fragile to begin with. I just don’t see how he’s going to be able to function at all.
Woman: Then it’s up to you to make him function. Get him back to work. That’s the best medicine.
Stottlemeyer: Back to work?

Randy puts his arm on top of the cooler, and topples down the paper cups on top of it.

Adrian Monk is at his house holding photo frames.

Monk: Okay, which one is this?
Natalie: Uh, the one with the balloon.
Monk: Oh, yeah. I love that one.

Monk puts it bank on the fireplace mantle.

Monk: Is it straight?
Natalie: It’s perfect.
Monk: I’ll never see her face again.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, don’t say that.
Monk: Am I crying?
Natalie: No.
Monk: Huh, it feels like I’m crying. It feels like I’m crying all the time. Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.
Natalie: I am not going anywhere. Look at me. Sorry. Your life is not over. You could still do anything. There’ve been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Monk: Like who?
Natalie: Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know…
Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: You know…uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh, Mr. Magoo.
Monk: Who’s that?
Natalie: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.
Monk: Really?
Natalie: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie: I don’t want to talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Monk: Me neither.

There’s a knock on the door.

Stottlemeyer: Hello? Door’s open.
Monk: Captain.
Stottlemeyer: Hey! How’s he doing?

Captain Stottlemeyer waves his hand in front of Monk.

Natalie: Uh, oh, oh, gosh, he’s doing great. He’s just great.

Natalie gives Stottlemeyer a thumbs down.

Natalie: I’m so proud of him.
Stottlemeyer: Good. Good. Listen, Monk, I’m on my way over to the firehouse, I want you to come along.
Monk: What for? I gave the lieutenant my statement.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know, I just thought that maybe you might see something.
Monk: Somehow I doubt that.
Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition, you’re still the best detective I know.
Natalie: Exactly. I think it’s a great idea.
Monk: Oh, you don’t mean that, you’re just trying to cheer me up.
Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn’t only about you. This is a homicide investigation. A fireman was killed.
Monk: Rusty?
Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a stand-up guy. He’d been on that engine for thirty-five years, and I’m gonna nail the sone of the bitch that killed him, and you’re going to help me.
Monk: Leland, I can’t! I can’t…
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I’m not asking you. Natalie, get him up.
Natalie: Come on, you heard the Captain.
Monk: Okay, I’m coming, I’m coming. Listen, don’t expect too much from me. I’m no Mr. Magoo.
Natalie: Let’s go.
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo.
Natalie: You know, Magoo, the famous inventor. Oh!
Stottlemeyer: Magoo.

Everybody at the firehouse watches Adrian Monk as he surveys the area.

Monk: Uh-huh, now, the table is here.
Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table is here.

The Captain walks Monk over to the table.

Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there.

Monk points at the wrong direction, and Stottlemeyer directs him to the right one.

Stottlemeyer: Pole’s there.
Monk: I can’t do this.
Natalie: You can do this. You can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Uh, just try to picture the room. You can do this. You have an amazing memory.
Monk: Oh right, I forgot about my amazing memory.
Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can’t figure is what the guy was doing here, what was he looking for?
Monk: Is anything missing?
Captain: I don’t think so. There’s nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, let’s do this. Here, have a seat.

Adrian Monk sits down, but the chair is to his left. Stottlemeyer catches him before he falls on the ground, and pulls the chair.

Stottlemyer: You and Rusty were sitting here. You were checking the smoke detectors.
Monk: Right. Right, and then this man entered from over there. And he walked around the truck, slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed.
Disher: Monk? Lieutenant Randy Disher. I’m speaking to you again…
Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don’t need to tell the man that you’re speaking to him.
Disher: Yes, sir. Okay, you know who this is, and you know I’m speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were squeaking.
Monk: That’s right.
Disher: That he was tall, maybe 6’1”, heavyset, with sandy hair, wearing a leather jacket.
Monk: Right. That’s right, and then Rusty…Rusty walked over to him, around the back of the truck. Then I heard this big noise. Then I walked around the truck.

Monk starts walking. Disher pushes him before he hits a column.

Monk: Went around the back. The truck.

Adrian Monk feels for the truck.

Monk: Where is the truck?
Stottlemeyer: The truck’s been moved, Monk, you’re good, you’re good.
Monk: Then I saw Rusty on the floor, and the guy was holding a shovel in his hands.
Disher: You said you could smell him. He’d been drinking.
Monk: Rum. He smelled like rum.
Stottlemeyer: We got that, Randy: Is there anything else, anything new? Anything you forgot to mention?
Monk: No, he grabbed the container, and he just threw the solvent in my eyes. That was the last thing I saw. Oh, my God, it was the last thing I saw.

Monk moves his arm, and hits the police tape. He panics, and become tied with the tape.

Monk: Is it off?

Monk feels the tape on his arm, and swings it wildly to remove it.

Natalie: Yeah, it’s off.
Monk: Can I go home now?
Natalie: Yes, you can go home now.

Monk tries to walk away. Natalie walks to his aid.

Natalie: Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Step, step, step, step, step, here, here, step down. I got you.

Natalie walks Monk. Monk brushes through the rack of fireman’s coats.

Monk: Wait, wait a second.
Natalie: What?
Monk: Wait a minute.
Natalie: What is it?

Monk feels the rack.

Monk: There’s a coat missing here.
Stottlemeyer: A coat?
Monk: There were six coats hanging right here.
Captain: He’s right. There’s one missing.
Detective: He came in to steal a coat, and he’s willing to kill for it?
Stottlemeyer: It doesn’t make any sense to me, either, but it’s something. We find that coat. We find our guy.
Natalie: See? You’re amazing!
Disher: Hey, high five.

Lt. Disher raises his hand.

Disher: All right, good work.

Monk arrives at the police station with a cane for the blind.

Natalie: Good, good, good. All right. Okay, see, there you go, you don’t need me at all.

Monk extends his hand to touch a lamp, and gets burned.

Monk: Ow!
Natalie: Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see it.
Monk: Join the club.
Disher: Hey, how’s he doing?
Natalie: Oh, um, we just got back from the hospital. They’re very optimistic.

Natalie says the opposite in her hand gestures.

Disher: You mean pessimistic.
Natalie: No, they’re very optimistic.
Disher: Then why are you shaking your head? Oh!
Natalie: So what’s so important, Randy?
Disher: I think we got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway, and he was wearing he fireman’s coat. He’s in the bullpen.
Natalie: Who is he?
Disher: A guy named Colbert. Jake Colbert. He’s a drifter. He lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?
Monk: Oh, I don’t know how. Maybe you haven’t heard. I am blind.
Natalie: But you’ll do the best you can, right? You’re not gonna give up just because you’ve been dealt a bad hand.
Monk: Oh, have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn’t know, because I’m blind!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, hey, I like the cane. You look kind of dapper.
Natalie: So you found the guy?
Stottlemeyer: We found a guy. He’s the right height, he doesn’t have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.
Natalie: Did his shoes squeak?
Stottlemeyer: Don’t know, he was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn’t matter because we don’t need shoes, because I’ve got an eyewitness.
Monk: So to speak.
Stottlemeyer: Jake Colbert, this is Adrian Monk. We’re here to figure out if you two met at Fire Company 53, last Sunday.
Jake: Nah, never seen him before in my life. I told you, man, I found that coat in a dumpster. Behind a restaurant on Vinton Street.
Stottlemeyer: Is he the guy?
Monk: I can’t tell. The guy at the firehouse never said a word.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. Well, you know what we have to do. You have to feel the man’s face.
Monk: What? No. No, Leland, please. I can’t, God, I can’t.
Stottlemeyer: You’re the only witness I got.
Monk: He’s a drifter.
Stottlemeyer: So what?
Monk: I have lived my whole life without feeling a drifter’s face. I’ve always been very proud of that. Even on my worst day I could tell myself, “At least I didn’t feel a drifter’s face.”
Stottlemeyer: This could be the man that killed Rusty and blinded you. I am not letting him or you walk out of here until I’m sure.
Monk: Oh, God.
Stottlemeyer: Come on.

Monk feels the man’s face. He groans. Monk feels a huge wart on the man’s face. He scratches it, and even tries to flick it away.

Jake: That’s a wart.
Monk: Oh, God! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
Natalie: Yes, yes.
Monk: Wipe!
Natalie: Right here, right here, right here.

Monk wipes his hand, and throws the wipe angrily on the floor.

Monk: He’s not the guy.
Jake: I’ve been trying to tell you. I found that coat in a dumpster. I get cold at night. I sleep in a cardboard box at the beach. My life sucks.
Monk: What are you complaining about? At least you can see.
Jake: Oh, I’ve got plenty to complain about. Don’t get me started. I’ve got a nine-year-old dog that needs a new kidney.
Monk: I had a bucket of acid thrown in my face. I think I win.
Jake: I haven’t had a hot meal in three years.
Monk: My wife is dead.
Jake: So is mine.
Monk: Car bomb.
Jake: Pneumonia.
Monk: Natalie, car bomb of pneumonia?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don’t know.
Jake: Yeah, I’ll bet your wife didn’t suffer.
Monk: Trudy lived for twenty minutes in pain, alone. You, you’re an amateur. Come back when you got something. Who’s next? Huh? Come on, anybody! You’re looking at the most miserable man on Earth! Oh, hey, you. How about you? How about you? You want a piece of me? I’ll take you all on at the same time. I can’t lose. I can’t lose.

Adrian Monk is lying on his bed when the phone rings. He lets the answering machine pick it up.

Monk on Machine: This is Adrian…Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver, and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep I was talking about.

The machine beeps.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, it’s Dr. Kroger again. I know you’re there, so please pick up. Adrian, you missed your 10;30, and your 3:30. Adrian, you can’t stay in your house forever.
Monk: Wanna bet?
Dr. Kroger: I know you, Adrian. You’re probably lying on your bed feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t just give up. There are people out there who really need you. Come on, Adrian. You have to get up. Get out of bed. Come on, you can do it, here we go. That’s right, come on, come on, up and at ‘em. Okay, go on, come on, come.

Monk is with Natalie, Captain Stottlemeyer, and Lt. Disher at an alley.

Stottlemeyer: This must be it.
Monk: Describe it.
Stottlemeyer: Oh you know, Monk, it’s the Tenderloin. We’re right in the heart of wino land. We’re standing in an alley, behind a bar, in front of a standard issue dumpster, probably about three cubic yards. It is filled with garbage. Broken bottles, cardboard boxes.
Disher: Monk? Randy Disher speaking. I’m opening my notebook. Hold on, I can’t find my…I can’t find my notebook.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Disher: I’m checking my pockets. Patting my pockets. Ah! Found the notebook. Opening notebook. Yeah, according to Mr. Colbert, he was hear 5pm last Sunday collecting bottles, he found the fireman’s coat in the dumpster.
Monk: Five o’clock? That’s just three hours after Rusty was killed.
Disher: He also said he found a fireman’s helmet, which he gave to a couple of kids.
Monk: He kills a man for a fireman’s coat, and he throws it away a couple of hours later? That makes no sense.

There’s squeaking. Two rats are in the garbage can.

Natalie: Ugh! Oh!
Monk: Oh, God, I’m glad I didn’t see that. Natalie.
Natalie: Yeah.

Monk chuckles.

Monk: Natalie, I’m glad I didn’t see that.
Natalie: Yeah.
Monk: This is an alley, right? It must be pretty filthy.
Natalie: Yeah, it’s disgusting.
Monk: I’d probably hate this place.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, you wouldn’t last five minute here. There’s cockroaches…
Stottlemeyer: There’s a dead cat right over there.
Monk: Natalie, it doesn’t bother me. Nothing bothers me. It’s great! I can’t see anything. I don’t see any of it.

Captain Stottlemeyer puts a lid on the garbage can with rats.

Monk: This could really work for me.
Stottlemeyer: I hate this neighborhood. I was stuck her for three hours, Sunday. The house that burned down was just around the corner.
Monk: Hold on, hold on, the fire on Sunday was right here in this very neighborhood?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the woman who was killed, she fell asleep smoking a cigarette in front of the TV.
Monk: I don’t think so. No, no, there has to be a connection between that fire, and what happened to Rusty. Okay, let’s go. Come on, people. Come on. We got a case to solve.

Monk starts walking.

Natalie: Dead cat on your left!

Monk is at the burnt house going through the burnt things.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, you want some gloves?
Monk: Don’t need them. Out of sight. Out of mind. Oh, excuse me, blind man walking.
Stottlemeyer: Excuse me.
Monk: Is this the living room?
Stottlemeyer: That’s right. She was on the couch.
Natalie: Which is on your right.
Stottlemeyer: Whoa!
Monk: Oh, whoa! Whoa!
Stottlemeyer: Easy. Yeah, she’s on the couch she’s watching TV, she’s smoking, she’s drinking, she falls asleep, cigarette falls on a pile of newspapers and whoosh! At least that’s the official version.

Monk bumps into a bottle. He picks it up, and smells it.

Monk: Rum. Rum. Rum. Who was she?
Disher: Disher opening file. Stefanie Preston, 27, she was a temp. Last job, Peter Breen Construction. Lived here alone.
Monk: I don’t think she lives here alone at least not every night. There’s a bottle of men’s cologne in the bathroom, two toothbrushes, two different types of toothpaste.
Stottlemeyer: She had a boyfriend.

Monk feels the top of the coffee table.

Monk: Oh, there was something here. Oh, something etched in the glass, shape of an animal. A donkey or a horse.

Stottlemeyer looks at the etching.

Stottlemeyer: It looks like a horse.

Monk bumps into something on the coffee table.

Monk: Oh, whoa, what’s this?
Stottlemeyer: TV remote. At least it was.
Monk: Okay, if she was watching TV from over there, why was the remote way over here?
Disher: I don’t know.
Monk: I think I do. Captain, here’s what happened.

Flashback ensues. The man pushes the woman on the couch, and strangles her.

Monk: somebody killed her, probably strangled her…

Flashback: The man pours alcohol all over the living room, and lights the newspapers on fire.

Monk: Then made it look like she fell asleep on the couch.

Flashback: The fire truck, sirens blaring, arrives.

Monk: Probably walked away then he stopped. He realized he forgot something, something inside the house.
Stottlemeyer: What was it?
Monk: I don’t know. Probably metal, something that would survive the fire, something that could be traced back to him. Whatever it was, he had to get it back. But how? The house was on fire. The trucks were already here. The place was surrounded.

Flashback: The man walks inside the firehouse ignoring Rusty and Monk.

Stottlemeyer: He needed a fireman’s coat.
Monk: Exactly. That’s what he was doing in the firehouse! That’s why he stole the coat. They came back here. He looked like one of the guys. Nobody noticed him. Nobody questioned him.

Flashback: The man in fireman’s gear enters the scene of the fire.

Monk: He walked right past them, came inside…
Stottlemeyer: Grabbed whatever it was he left behind. Not bad for a blind guy.

Monk standing in front of an entryway talks at it.

Monk: I’m back, baby!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you’re talking to a doorjamb.

Monk with his hand covered with grease puts his forefinger on his temple.

Monk: I’m back.

Adrian Monk is at Dr. Kroger’s office.

Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, I just don’t know what to say. After you got the diagnosis, you were so despondent.
Monk: Was I?
Dr. Kroger: Yes. You were catatonic, you were sitting here sobbing, because you thought you’d never be able to look at Trudy’s photos again.
Monk: All I know is, I’ve never been happier. I am at peace. Dig this.
Dr. Kroger: Dig this?
Monk: Yesterday, the School for the Blind sent over a woman to teach me how to get around. She wanted me to count the steps from my front door to the street. I said, “Sweetheart, I’ve been counting those steps for five years. Forty-four.” So you see, I have been preparing to be blind my whole life.
Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, what about your work?
Monk: My work? My work’s great. I’d say I’m operating at or just below, Magoo level.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I have to tell you I’m a little concerned. Now, there are five stages of grief, and I think you’ve already leapfrogged over at least the first three of them, and I think any doctor…
Monk: I’m sorry to interrupt. I was just thinking. You could be naked right now, and it wouldn’t bother me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I’m not naked.
Monk: But you could…
Dr. Kroger: Look, Adrian, I think that you’re using this condition as an excuse to cut yourself off from the real world even more than usual, and the pendulum will swing back.
Monk: I don’t think so.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, it will! This is what pendulums do. You could come crashing down. It would be very painful. I just refuse to believe that you’re happy. Genuinely happy having lost your eyesight!
Monk: It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, okay, fine. Well then, why don’t we get some earplugs, and some nose plugs, and then you can just cut yourself off completely from the world.
Monk: Yeah.
Dr. Kroger: Or maybe we could arrange to have you put into a coma.
Monk: Well, let’s try the earplug thing first.

Captain Stottlemeyer, Lt. Disher, Monk and Natalie are at a construction site.

Contractor: Stefanie what?
Disher: Preston. She worked in your office until last week?
Contractor: I remember her. Stefanie, nice kid. Hey, you mind if we talk while we walk? Time is money, and frankly, I don’t have enough of either. Hey, Mr. Monk! You might want to wait in the trailer. It’s probably a lot safer for you. Ground’s a little rough out here.
Monk: No, no, don’t, uh, worry about me. I just want to be treated like everybody else.

A worker approaches the contractor to have something signed.

Contractor: Make sure the electrical inspector gets a copy, all right?
Worker: You got it.
Stottlemeyer: So what could you tell us about her?
Contractor: Uh, not much. She was a temp. She was here for maybe eight weeks. My regular girl was away on maternity leave. You said there was a fire?
Stottlemeyer: That’s right.
Contractor: That’s terrible. It’s heartbreaking.
Monk: Mr. Breen, how well did you know her?
Breen: I didn’t really know her at all.

Adrian Monk feels for a wall.

Natalie: My gosh!

Natalie pulls Mr. Monk away from the barbed wires.

Monk: What is wrong with you?
Natalie: What? There’s barbed wire, you’re gonna cut yourself.
Monk: I’m not going to cut myself. I have a radar.
Natalie: A radar?
Monk: Yes. I feel it now, it’s like a sixth sense. I’m like a bat in a cave. You now, they swoop around, but they never hit the walls.
Natalie: Well, I don’t think our radar is working.

Natalie walks away.

Monk: It’s…listen to me.

Monk walks up to a pipe.

Monk: It’s working fine, okay? I am a swooping bat. My antenna is tingling all the time.
Natalie: Hey, swooping bat guy, I’m over here.

Natalie pulls Monk to the join them.

Stottlemeyer: Stay with the group. Have you ever been to Stefanie Preston’s house?
Breen: Why would I go to her house?
Stottlemeyer: She was a very attractive woman.
Breen: Yeah, and so is my wife.
Disher: Is that your Ferrari out there?
Breen: That’s one of them.
Disher: You like it? I’m thinking about getting one myself. It’s either between that or the Ford Festiva.
Stottlemeyer: Where were you Sunday afternoon?
Breen: Ah, Sunday, I was here, onsite, meeting with the architect and construction manager.

A worker arrives.

Worker: Hey, boss, I got that work order. Oh, and I still have those keys.
Breen: Uh, Eddie, we’re a little busy right now. You know what? We’ll take care of that later. Gentlemen?

Eddie walks away, and his shoes squeaked as he walked away.

The Captain, Disher, and Natalie follow Mr. Breen. Monk is left behind.

Monk: Captain. Captain? Captain. Listen to that.

Monk taps on the arm of a construction worker with headphones on.

Monk: Squeaky shoes. That’s the guy. Come on.

Adrian Monk follows the sound of the squeaking shoes. Natalie notices that Mr. Monk is no longer with them.

Natalie: Mr. Monk?

Eddie notices that he’s being followed. He enters a room, and Monk follows him inside.

Monk: this way, definitely this way.

Eddie stands still, and watches Monk as he struggles to navigate the room.

Eddie: Can I help you?

Monk feels the man’s face.

Monk: It’s the guy, Captain.

Eddie walks over to a tool cabinet, and takes out a huge nail gun.

Monk: Captain? You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, although I’d prefer if you didn’t.

Eddie points the gun on Monk’s shoulder.

Monk: Captain? Captain!

Eddie removes the safety lock. Monk swings his cane hitting Eddie on the face. Eddie groans, and falls on the ground. Monk continues to swing his cane, and falls on the floor himself. He reaches to get the man’s ID. Monk gets up, and continues to swing his cane. He runs, and hits a tool cabinet. Monk begins throwing things, and hits Eddie on the head with one of them. Monk runs outside the room, and into a corridor.

Monk: Help! Somebody!

Monk hides behind a wall. Eddie does not see him, and runs up the stairs. Monk enters another room, and finds an out of order elevator. Monk enters the elevator, and turns it on. The elevator moves up and down a few inches off the ground before stopping. Eddie continues up the stairs. The elevator stops a feet off the ground without leaving the floor where Monk boarded it. Monk steps out on to a beam lying on the floor of the room. Construction workers walk by, but nobody says a word. Monk walks on the I-beam, and balances to prevent himself from falling.

Monk: My…God! Help! Help, help! Somebody! Up here! Help! Help!

Monk loses grip of his cane, and it falls on the floor.

Monk: Heads up! I can’t breathe. The air is so thin. Oh, God!

Monk loses his balance, and he almost falls off the I-beam, but manages to grab on to a column.

Monk: Help me!
Natalie: Mr. Monk?

Natalie runs to the room followed by Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Monk: Oh, God.

Natalie grabs Mr. Monk.

Monk: Natalie?
Natalie: Yes?
Monk: Are you flying?
Natalie: Oh, here. Mr. Monk, I got you, I got you. Just take a step down.
Monk: No, no.
Natalie: Just a little step.
Stottlemeyer: It’s okay we got you.

Monk takes a step down the I-beam.

Natalie: There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go.
Stottlemeyer: You’re okay. You’re okay.

Monk hugs Stottlemeyer.

Natalie: Oh, my God, Mr. Monk. What were you doing?
Monk: Oh, my God. The guy. The guy, the guy who killed Rusty, he’s…with the squeaky shoes. He’s here.

Monk takes out Eddie’s I.D. from his inside suit pocket.

Monk: He’s here.
Disher: Eddie Murdoch.

Eddie screams as he falls down the building.

Eddie: No!

Stottlemeyer and Disher run to see what has happened. Monk is startled.

Natalie: Here, here, I got you.

Lt. Disher takes the man’s wallet.

Disher: It’s him. It’s Eddie Murdoch! Must have been up there looking for you and slipped.
Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess that’s it. Case closed.

Adrian Monk is at the hospital with Natalie, Capt. Stottlemeyer, and Lt. Disher.

Doctor: I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic.

Monk moans.

Doctor: Is that how he takes good news?
Natalie: Yeah, it is.
Doctor: Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.
Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.
Natalie: Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful.
Monk: Hope. I hate hope’s guts.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened to all your confidence?
Monk: I don’t know, Leland, maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground. I’m so pathetic. I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…
Disher: Five-sixteenths of a man.
Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Disher: Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.
Disher: And, Monk, he is definitely the guy. I just came back from his house, and we found the clothes he was wearing when he set the fire. They were in a laundry hamper covered with soot.
Natalie: You guys, I’m sorry, I have to go. I have to go get Julie.
Stottlemeyer: You kids take off, I’ll stay here with Captain Sunshine.
Disher: Hey, can I drop you off? New wheels.

Disher shows them his keys.

Natalie: Oh, so you went with the Ford.

Disher swings keys such that it makes a noise.

Disher: Yeah, I didn’t like the way the Ferrari handled or the way they turned down my credit application.

Monk feels the key chain.

Disher: Yeah, cool, huh?

Disher lets Monk feel the keys.

Disher: I went with the four-cylinder instead of the six. It’s quicker. OH, and white, with tan cloth interior. Leather makes me sweat. Yeah, I need those.

Disher takes the keys from Monk.

Natalie: All right, we got to go, we got to go. Okay, bye Mr. Monk, we’ll see you tomorrow.

Natalie and Randy leave.

Monk: Why did he do it?
Stottlemeyer: Why did who do what?
Monk: Why did Eddie Murdoch kill that girl?
Stottlemeyer: Since when does a creep need a reason?
Monk: You remember when we were talking to Peter Breen, Murdoch came walking up. Do you remember what he said?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he said, “I still have those keys.”

Flashback: Eddie pulls out the keys with the horse key chain.

Monk: Peter Breen drives a Ferrari, right?
Stottlemeyer: That’s right.
Monk: What do their key chains look like?
Stottlemeyer: It’s a rearing horse.

Flashback: The coffee table is on fire, and the car key with its key chain is on top of it.

Stottlemeyer: The impression on the coffee table, those were Breen’s keys.
Monk: You said Murdoch’s body’s on a slab?
Stottlemeyer: Downstairs.

Stottlemeyer followed by Monk enters the morgue.

Stottlemeyer: Hello? Well, we’ve got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Stottlemeyer: No, not yet.
Monk: What do you see?
Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, bloated, laying around, not talking. It’s kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife’s house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Monk: It’s worth a shot. Eddie Murdoch killed Stefanie Preston, there’s no question about that. It wasn’t his idea. His boss paid him to do it.
Stottlemeyer: So Breen was having the affair?
Monk: Exactly. He had keys to her house, loaned them to Eddie Murdoch so Murdoch could sneak in and kill her.
Stottlemeyer: He went back for the keys. That’s what he went back for.
Monk: Right, and if we find those keys…
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Breen’s going to have a lot of explaining to do.

Stottlemeyer pulls the blank off the feet of a corpse, and reads the name on the tag.

Stottlemeyer: Got him. Hello, Edward!

Stottlemeyer peeks at the corpse’s face.

Stottlemeyer: Don’t get up. Uh, they usually keep the personal effects in a plastic bag.

Stottlemeyer looks for it on the gurney.

Stottlemeyer: Bingo!

Breen, hiding under a blanket pretending to be a corpse, sits up. Stottlemeyer goes through Eddie’s personal effects.

Monk: Well?

Stottlemeyer pulls out the keys, and jingles it so Monk could hear.

Stottlemeyer: Exhibit A. DA’s gonna live this.
Monk: Oh, can I feel that?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Monk: That’s it.

Mr. Breen walks up behind Stottlemeyer, and hits him on the head. Stottlemeyer groans, and falls on the floor.

Monk: Leland, what happened? Leland!

Mr. Breen handcuffs Leland on to the gurney.

Mr. Breen: Mr. Monk? I’m gonna need that key ring.
Monk: Help! Somebody!

Monk swings his cane, but Mr. Breen just dodges it. Monk throws the cane at Mr. Breen, but misses.

Mr. Breen: The keys, please.

Monk throws the keys to the other side of the room.

Mr. Breen: Oh, I don’t have time for this.

While Mr. Breen looks for the keys, Mr. Monk looks for Captain’s gun.

Mr. Breen: Actually, it’s pretty convenient you’re both already here. That way they won’t have to move the bodies.

Mr. Monk gets Stottlemeyer’s gun. Mr. Breen grabs a knife.

Monk: Okay, don’t move. Don’t move.

Monk has slightly regained his eyesight. He can make out part of Mr. Breen’s body.

Mr. Breen pushes one of the gurney distracting Mr. Monk. Monk fires the gun at the gurney. Mr. Breen uses the cane to tap on the wall, and a steel table. Monk slowly focuses his eyes on Mr. Breen. He pulls the trigger, and hits him on the shoulder. Captain Stottlemeyer regains consciousness.

Monk: Captain…Captain, are you okay? You okay?

Captain Stottlemeyer struggles to sit up.

Monk: You all right?
Stottlemeyer: Monk, you can see me.
Monk: Yeah.
Stottlemeyer: Hello.
Monk: Hello.

Monk is at his house straightening Trudy’s pictures. He sits on his chair, and reads a book. He looks at his wife’s picture, and smiles.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Can’t See A Thing” episode was written by Lee Goldberg and William Rabkin. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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Out of Town – Mad Men Episode Summary 3.1

2011-09-11T09:00:00.010-04:00

Synopsis: Don Draper flies to Baltimore with Salvatore Romano to meet with the owners of London Fog, and discovers Sal’s secret. Meanwhile, Putnam, Powell, & Lowe is causing a stir with firing the new head of accounts, and pitting Pete Campbell and Ken Cosgrove for the coveted position.

Episode Summary: Don Draper wakes up in the middle of the night, and makes himself something to eat. Suddenly, he remembers Abigail Whitman having yet another miscarriage, and her young mother working as a prostitute. Later, he imagines her mother in her deathbed, and himself still a baby. The milk in the pot he was cooking overflows, breaking his reverie. His dream resumes with the midwife knocking on Abigail’s door bringing with her in a crate, the infant Don Draper, then called Dick. Later, Don Draper brings the hot milk to his pregnant wife, and helps her get back to sleep. Continue reading...

The merger starts to take effect as Don Draper, Lane Pryce, and Bertram Cooper gather to inform the new head of accounts, Burt Peterson, the unfortunate news that is his sacking. Peterson loses his head, and makes a scene to let everyone know of his termination causing worry among his colleagues. Having witnessed the outburst, Joan Holloway confronts John Hooker whom she blames for the man’s unbecoming behavior. Joan expected Mr. Hooker to have instructed Mr. Peterson’s secretary to inform him beforehand of the reason for his meeting with the senior partners as this would have prepared him for the news that left him distraught. This unsolicited advice peeves Mr. Hooker for he sees himself not a secretary, but Lane Pryce’s right-hand man.

Pete Campbell anxiously meets with Lane Pryce only to learn that one man’s misfortune is another man’s gain. Thinking that he too will be terminated, Pete is surprised to hear that he has been made the head of accounts. However, he has been told to keep a tight lid on it until the announcement has been made, and the specifics of his new position have been settled. Pete privately celebrates at his office, informing only his wife. Meanwhile, Mr. Pryce calls in Ken Cosgrove to inform him that he has been made head of accounts, and warned him about sharing the news before the official announcement.

Don Draper and Salvatore Romano are on a plane to Baltimore when Don gets an invitation from one of the flight attendants. One who cannot resist a woman; Don has dinner with Shelly and her two colleagues, and brings along with him Sal. Don assumes the name of William Hofstadt after his brother-in-law stamped his name on Don’s luggage after borrowing it. Seeing how gullible they are, he continues his charade by fooling the attendants into believing that he and Sal are G-Men posing as accountants as part of their investigation on James Hoffa.

Later, Shelly invites herself to Don Draper’s room. Although the stewardess got a sudden attack of conscience after remembering that she is engaged, the woman could just not resist Don. Meanwhile, Salvatore Romano returns to his sweltering room alone, and finds that the air conditioning is broken. The bellboy comes to his room to fix the air conditioning, and immediately recognizes that Sal is gay. The young man makes the first move, and gives the nervous Salvatore a kiss. On their way to have sexual intercourse, the fire alarm bell rings. Don Draper climbs down the fire escape, and is shocked to see Sal with the bellboy.

Probably still shaken with the previous night’s events not so much because of the fire, but due to Don’s discovery of his homosexuality, Sal arrives late in the meeting with London Fog. The mad men meet with father and son, and find that the young heir is concerned of their business’ limitation, and has been considering going into the umbrella, bags, and hat business. Don assures him that London Fog has already established itself as a raincoat company, and no matter what happens, it is going to rain.

Seeing Joan waiting at the elevator, Peggy wastes no time to complain to her about her secretary’s tardiness. Despite Joan’s hinting of not wanting to hear her complaints early in the morning, the young copywriter just continues on ranting about how Lola, her already engaged secretary, has been flirting with John “Moneypenny” Hooker whom she learned has been passing on work to Lola. Joan, who also is engaged, could not wait to leave Sterling Cooper.

Pete Campbell gets the startling news that he and Ken Cosgrove were made heads of accounts. Unlike Ken Cosgrove, Pete is annoyed with having to share the coveted position. Each gets half of Sterling Cooper’s account to work on from which they will be evaluated, and would be later decided on who ultimately becomes the head of accounts. Pete Campbell could not contain his annoyance, and confronts the clueless Ken Cosgrove who genuinely is excited about being given the chance to prove himself worthy of the title. Trudy arrives with a gift to celebrate her husband’s recent promotion only to find him in a sour mood. Soon she learns the reason of his aggravation, and understands that it is a consequence of his husband’s ambition. Pete, she finds, is insatiable. She, however, advises him to hide his emotions from his employers, and instead use his energy into beating the competition.

Sal anxiously flies back to New York with Don Draper. He has not heard a peep from Don about the embarrassing incident until Don in his subtle yet loaded way of getting his message across speaks to him about an idea for an ad, which in reality is advising him to stay in the closet. The two return to the office, and Sal wastes no time to create the artwork based on Don’s idea. His fellow mad men love it, but are more anxious to learn about his out-of-town trip with the legendary Don Draper to which he says nothing about their escapades except for the fact that there was a fire at the hotel.

Don Draper hears of the competition between Campbell and Cosgrove, and is surprised to learn that it was a directive from London. Pete Campbell rushes to Don’s office to speak to him about the tight spot he is in, but finds Roger Sterling in the room, and shortly after Bertram Cooper arrives. He follows his wife’s advice, and puts on a mask to hide his true feelings about the current setup.

Joan Holloway is up to something. She has turned Burt Peterson’s old office into one that an employee from Putnam, Powell, & Lowe could occupy should they visit the New York office. She also informs him that it is an office he could use for when it is vacant. Moreover, Joan gives him the opportunity to pick a secretary to do his typing. John Hooker has fallen into Joan’s trap, which he quickly becomes aware off when his boss comes for a visit, and tells him that although it is a good idea to have an office for PPL visitors, Mr. Hooker is not to occupy it. His secretary having his own office is a ghastly idea given that their mother company had just dismissed a third of Sterling Cooper’s workforce. Mr. Hooker is to sit out front like the rest of the secretaries.

Don Draper returns home to be a father to his kids. After being forced into confessing about breaking the clasp of her father’s suitcase, Sally apologizes to her father, and explains her behavior as an attempt to keep her father from leaving as he did so before. Don reassures his daughter that he will always come home. As the child unpacks his father’s suitcase, she comes across Shelly’s wings. Both mother and daughter are unsuspecting as to how Don came across the pin. Slightly shaken probably from guilt, Don becomes teary eyed as his daughter asks him to tell her the story of the day she was born. Seeing her husband could not continue, Betty finishes the story for him.

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Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion – Monk Transcript 5.6

2011-09-04T18:03:00.000-04:00

An old woman walks over to the elevator and sees a note posted on it that reads “Out of Order – Use Stairs”.

Woman: Oh, for Pete’s sakes. It’s out of order again.
Man: Looks like we’re taking the stairs, then. After you.

The old woman walks over to the stairwell. The man removes the note, and follows the woman.

Woman: Why don’t you go on ahead? I’m gonna be a while.
Man: Are you Mrs. Rutherford?
Woman: That’s right.
Man: Katherine Rutherford, the nurse?
Mrs. Rutherford: Well, not anymore. I’m retired. I…have we met?
Man: I think you know my wife, unfortunately.
Mrs. Rutherford: Why unfortunately? Continue reading...

The man grabs Mrs. Rutherford and throws her down the stairs. She takes a terrible fall down the stairs, and dies instantly. The man pulls out a pearl necklace, and breaks it. The pearls fall on the floor. The man checks her pulse to make sure that she’s dead then leaves.

Captain Stottlemeyer arrives at the crime scene.

Stottlemeyer: Morning. What’s going on?
Disher: Well, what you see is pretty much it.
Stottlemeyer: What do I see?
Disher: It looks like an accident. Her name’s Katherine Rutherford. 62. Lives here on the third floor. Patrol officers called us in just to make sure.
Stottlemeyer: What are those?
Disher: Uh, beads. She was wearing a necklace, which broke. She slips on the beads, breaks her neck.
Stottlemeyer: Lot of gravity in these stairwells.
Disher: Yes, Sir.
Stottlemeyer: I just used the elevator. Why didn’t she?
Disher: Um.
Stottlemeyer: Was it broken?
Disher: Uh.

Lieutenant Disher goes over his notes.

Stottlemeyer: If you don’t know, just say so.
Disher: I don’t know.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, are there any beads down there?
Officer: No, Sir.
Stottlemeyer: If she slipped on the beads, why didn’t any of them roll away?
Disher: Beads, beads, beads, beads…
Stottlemeyer: You don’t know.
Disher: Randy, something’s wrong here.

Captain Stottlemeyer picks up the necklace’s string with still a few beads on it.

Stottlemeyer: This is wrong.

Captain Stottlemeyer walks down the stairs.

Stottlemeyer: Lift up her head.

Captain Stottlemeyer wraps the string around Mrs. Rutherford’s neck.

Stottlemeyer: It doesn’t fit. It’s too small. Okay, we’re changing gears. Lock down this stairwell from the basement to the roof. Call the watch commander. This is now a homicide investigation.
Disher: Yes, Sir.
Officer: Captain, I just found this under the body.
Stottlemeyer: What is that, a lapel pin?
Disher: Yeah, I’ve seen that before. Wait, I know this pin. Someone was wearing it.
Stottlemeyer: Who?
Disher: Hang on. Wait, wait, wait. I don’t know.
Stottlemeyer: You don’t know.

Adrian Monk is wearing the lapel pin on his way to the Class of ’81 reunion.

Monk: Is it straight? I can’t get it straight.
Natalie: Why don’t you just stand at a slight angle? Mr. Monk maybe I should stay.
Monk: No, no.
Natalie: No, no, my parents can pick up Julie.
Monk: I’m fine.
Natalie: Well, it’s just that the last time you saw these people, you were with Trudy, and I remember after Mitch died, how difficult it was, you know, going to parties and seeing our friends. That’s when I missed him the most.
Monk: I’m way ahead of you. Did all my crying last night. I’m good to go.
Natalie: I’m gonna call my parents.
Monk: No! Relax, will you? This is Berkeley. It’s like my second home. Wish you could have seen me here, Trudy and me. We had a million friends. We owned this place.
Natalie: Hmm.
Monk: I hope Dinky comes. Crazy Dinky Feber. He was always getting off these great zingers. I hope Craig Hopper comes. He was always explaining Dinky’s zingers to me. They made a great team.
Natalie: Oh, have you filled out your registration form?
Monk: Yeah, I filled it out six months ago. Oh, my God. Is that…is that Smitty? Smitty! Smit-O! Smit-man!

Smitty looks at Monk, but continues to walk away.

Monk: Uh, I thought that was Smitty. That guy looked just like Smitty. You still have my invitation?
Natalie: Oh, yes, I do. Here you go.

Natalie Teeger pulls out the invitation from her purse, and hands it to Monk.

Monk: Yeah.
Natalie: Adrian “Captain Cool” Monk? Who’s Captain Cool?
Monk: Me.

Adrian Monk strikes a pose. He puts his left arm on his side, and bends his right knee.

Monk: That was my nickname.
Natalie: You? You were Captain Cool? Why?
Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie: I don’t know.

Adrian Monk exaggerates his pose.

Monk: Why do you think?
Natalie: I don’t know.
Monk: Look, I didn’t write the invitation, did I?
Natalie: Okay. Okay. Well, uh, good luck, and I will see you here at 7 o’clock. Okay?

Natalie imitates Monk’s pose.

Natalie: Captain.

Adrian Monk stands in line. The woman behind her comes up to Monk.

Woman: Adrian?
Monk: Dianne. Dianne Sooner.
Dianne: Not anymore. It’s Dianne Brooks.

Dianne shows Monk her wedding ring.

Dianne: Oh, my gosh! You look great! Oh, my…I can’t…You haven’t changed at all.
Monk: Neither have you except for, you know, your age.
Dianne: Well, you know, I don’t think I’ve seen you since…well, since the memorial service, I guess, right?
Monk: Yeah.
Dianne: How, how are you doing? Are you dating?
Monk: No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Dianne: Well, maybe you’ll meet someone here.
Monk: No. No, I don’t think…nah. No.
Dianne: Well, you never know.
Monk: Yeah. Yeah, you do.
Dianne: Well, um, where are you staying?
Monk: At home. I’m about a half-hour from here, just across the bay.
Dianne: Oh! Oh, you know what? That reminds me, I forgot to fill out my form. Remember me? Right?

Dianne Brooks pulls out the form from her bag.

Dianne: Always at the last minute?
Monk: Always.
Dianne: Yeah. You know what? Do you mind if I…

Dianne points at Monk’s back.

Monk: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Adrian Monk offers his back to be used as a writing desk.

Dianne: Could you…there.

Dianne starts filling out the form on Monk’s back.

Dianne: You know, actually, my…my…sorry. My husband, Kyle, is dying to meet you.
Monk: He is?
Dianne: Yeah! Yeah! He has been asking about you every day, for months. “Do you think Adrian Monk is coming?” You know, “Is he really coming?” Yeah. He is gonna be so excited. Great! Thank you.

The alumni gather inside the hall.

Woman: Is this thing on?

The woman taps on the microphone, and it sends a feedback.

Woman: Ooh!

The people laugh.

Woman: Hello. Welcome back, Class of 1981!

The people applaud. Adrian Monk suddenly looks anxious.

Woman: I’d like to thank everyone for coming. We have a lot of great events planned culminating in a big dinner and slideshow tomorrow night. Are there any questions?
Man: Yeah. How did everybody else get so old?

Everyone laughs.

Woman: Now, come on, I think we all look fantastic! Does everyone here have a lapel pin?

Adrian Monk checks his lapel pin.

Woman: Okay, you need these to get into all the events, and into the cafeteria. So, if you lose one or you need another, there’s a box of them in the corner, help yourself. I guess that’s it. Have fun, and I’ll see you around the campus.

Everybody claps. Adrian Monk looks sad. The people mingle. Adrian Monk walks over to the bar.

Monk: Just some water.
Bartender: Ice?
Monk: Ten.
Bartender: Ten what?
Monk: Cubes.
Man: It’s wild. It’s so wild! I can’t believe it!

Adrian Monk walks over to a group of people.

Monk: Hi! Hi. Hello.

The group turn to Adrian Monk with a clueless expression on their faces.

Monk: Simon! Juliette? Oh, my God! Dennis, I can’t believe it.
Simon: Hey! Honey, you remember Mr. Amonk?
Monk: No. It’s “A. Monk.” Adrian Monk. Adrian Monk!
Dennis: Hey.

All look stumped.

Monk: I was dating Trudy Ellison.
Everyone: Oh, Trudy!
Juliette: Yes, I loved her!
Simon: Wasn’t she great?
Dennis: She is.
Juliette: I think about her all the time.

They look at Monk, and all fall silent again.

Simon: Well, take care of yourself.
Monk: Yeah.

Monk walks back to the bar where the bartender has his water ready.

Bartender: Ten cubes.
Monk: You’re welcome.

Adrian Monk drinks the water, and dislikes it. Natalie searches her purse as she walks over to her car.

Natalie: Oh, shoot.

She sees a couple getting out of their car.

Natalie: Hi. Excuse me, are you going to the reunion?
Man: That’s right.
Natalie: Great! Could you give these keys to Adrian Monk?
Man: Who?
Natalie: Adrian Monk? Um, Captain Cool?

The man laughs.

Man: Captain Cool? Is he here?
Natalie: Yeah.
Man: Sure. I’d be glad to.
Natalie: Okay, great. Thank you. Have fun.
Man: Okay.

Natalie walks over to her car, which is parked nearby.

Woman: Who is Captain Cool?
Man: He was this weird guy, real nervous. Always worried about everything. He spent every weekend defrosting his refrigerator. So, we called him Captain Cool.

The couple laughs.

At the reunion, Adrian Monk talks to one of his classmates.

Monk: The last time I saw you was Mischief Night, 1981. You and your friends were throwing toilet paper everywhere, right?
Man: Mischie Night.
Monk: That’s right.
Man: Right. I don’t remember you.
Monk: I wasn’t with you. I was following you. I was cleaning up.
Man: Was that you?
Monk: You had a girlfriend with short red hair.
Man: Belinda.
Monk: Yeah.
Man: Yeah. Yeah. She and I, we got married, but she passed away.
Monk: Oh. My wife died, too.
Man: Oh.
Monk: Trudy Ellison. Yeah.
Man: It’s tough, huh? But you just have to move on.
Monk: No. We can’t move on. We can try, but we’ll never get past it. It’s unrelenting. All we can do is live out our days alone in hopeless quiet, desperation.
Man: Would you excuse me? I’m, um, I’m remarried. My family’s waiting for me.

The man points at his wife, and baby. Natalie arrives, walks up to Mr. Monk, and puts her arm around his.

Monk: Thank you.

Lieutenant Randy Disher walks over to Captain Leland Stottlemeyer’s office.

Disher: Captain, the lapel pin. I just remembered where I saw it.
Stottlemeyer: Where?
Disher: Just now, at my desk.
Stottlemeyer: No, I mean where…tell me about the pin, Randy.
Disher: Monk. He’s been wearing the same pin all week for his 25th college reunion.
Stottlemeyer: I think you’re right. Did the victim go to Berkeley?
Disher: No, she worked there. She was a nurse in the university clinic for, like, 20 years.
Stottlemeyer: But she didn’t graduate, so this isn’t her pin.
Disher: The killer.
Stottlemeyer: It fell off the killer, which means the killer is at the reunion with Monk.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger are at the cafeteria.

Natalie: Well, this looks delicious. So, this is where you ate? I mean, this was your hangout?
Monk: I don’t know. Natalie, I think I’ve seen enough. Let’s just go.
Natalie: No, I’m not gonna let you go. You’ve been looking so forward to this.

Natalie grabs a plastic tray, and utensils.

Monk: I don’t know what I was thinking. These people weren’t my friends, okay? They don’t even remember me. Truth is, I was invisible. It was Trudy they loved. I was always just the guy with Trudy. Just like you’re the girl with me.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, why is your name on the spit shield?
Monk: Oh, when I was here, there was nothing protecting the food.
Natalie: So you donated all of these? That is so generous of you!
Monk: Well, actually, it was more of a lawsuit. It took up a lot of my spare time.
Dianne: Adrian! There you are. We’ve been looking for you.
Natalie: Hi, I’m Natalie Teeger.
Dianne: Hi. Dianne Brooks.

Dianne shakes Natalie’s hands.

Natalie: I’m his assistant.
Dianne: Oh! Oh, so you two aren’t…
Natalie: No.
Monk: Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No. No. Not…not…no.
Dianne: Okay. Where are you sitting?
Monk: Well, I’m not…we’re not…Kyle and I are right over here.
Dianne: We saved you a seat. Fair warning, we brought a lot of pictures.

Dianne walks back to her table.

Natalie: See? You have a friend.
Monk: No. She was Trudy’s roommate, freshman year.
Natalie: Well, she saved us a seat.
Monk: Out of pity. Those are what we call “pity seats.” Pity…

Mr. Monk and Natalie are having lunch with the Brooks.

Natalie: So, Kyle, you didn’t go to Berkeley?
Kyle: Me? Hell, no. Community college. C.C. all the way. Never had much of that book learning.
Dianne: Kyle works for my father now. He’s one of our top salespeople.
Kyle: Yeah. It’s like Monopoly money. Daddy pays me, and I give it all to her.
Dianne: Kyle, not now. You promised.
Kyle: So, Adrian, what do you do?
Monk: I’m a private detective. I do some consulting.

Kyle gulps.

Kyle: Really? Sorry. You don’t look like a detective.

Dianne passes a picture to Natalie.

Dianne: We don’t have any children, so we just show pictures of our house instead.
Natalie: Oh! Well, it’s beautiful.
Dianne: We designed it ourselves, and that’s tangerine.

Mr. Monk looks at a picture of Kyle and Dianne with their black dog named Tangerine.

Monk: Wait. Didn’t you used to have a dog named Tangerine?
Dianne: What a memory! That’s amazing. Trudy was always bragging about his amazing memory. That’s right. I had a poodle, junior and senior year, Tangerine.
Monk: That’s right.
Dianne: And then Kyle brought home this big ball of love a couple of weeks ago.
Kyle: Yeah. He was already named. That’s what they were calling him at the shelter. “Tangerine”.
Dianne: Isn’t that funny? I mean, what are the odds of that?

Mr. Monk and Natalie walk a hallway of a dorm.

Monk: One in a million. Maybe one in a trillion.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, forget about the dog!
Monk: How could the same person have two dogs, twenty-five years apart, just happened to be named Tangerine? Tangerine? And this Tangerine is black.
Natalie: Why would anybody lie about a dog’s name?
Monk: I don’t know, but…there’s something weird about that guy. Dianne said that he couldn’t wait to meet me, but he didn’t even know I was detective.
Natalie: Mr. Monk. Come on! Let’s have some fun! You said you were going to show me your dorm room.
Monk: All right. It’s right here. This is it. Old 303. Uh-oh! Tie on the doorknob. My roommate and I did the same thing. It’s a code.
Natalie: Yeah. I think I might know about that.
Monk: Yeah. Means, “Don’t come in, I’m reorganizing my closet.”
Natalie: Your closet?
Monk: Yeah, my roommate freshman year Greg, he reorganized his closet four or five times a week.
Natalie: Uh-huh, and did his girlfriend ever come over to help?
Monk: Oh, yeah. All the time. They were real neat freaks. I used to tease him about it. “Neat freaks!”

Adrian Monk spots something.

Monk: Oh my God. Oh…my…God. I…can’t…believe it.

Monk and Natalie walk over to the Student Lounge.

Monk: He’s still here. Hello, old friend.

Monk walks over to the refrigerator.

Monk: Remember me? Oh, I knew we’d meet again. Maybe it is our destiny.

Mr. Monk puts his hand on the freezer door.

Monk: Natalie, put your hand right there.
Natalie puts her hand on the freezer door.

Monk: You feel that?
Natalie: No.
Monk: He’s afraid. Step back. Step back.

Adrian Monk pulls his hand inside his sleeve.

Monk: I’m going in.

Monk opens the freezer door. The whole freezer is almost covered with ice. Only a few inches of space remain.

Monk: Whoa. I’m gonna need a spatula, a pan, and a Bible.

Later, Monk with a hair dryer and a spatula has cleared a large portion of the freezer of ice. Natalie has fallen asleep on the couch. Captain Stottlemeyer arrives.

Stottlemeyer: There you are.

Natalie: Captain, what are you doing here?
Stottlemeyer: Looking for you. I was bout to give up, when I heard some clowns downstairs talking about a guy up here defrosting a refrigerator.

Monk smiles.

Stottlemeyer: Who’s Captain Cool?

Adrian Monk looks at Natalie.

Man #1: Captain Cool lives.
Man #2: The return of Captain Cool!

The men guffaw.

Man #1: The Iceman cometh back!

The men laugh harder.

Mr. Monk, Natalie and Captain Stottlemeyer walk outside.

Monk: Might be me. Katherine Rutherford.
Stottlemeyer: Ring a bell? She was a nurse, here at the school clinic. I found one of these near her body.

Captain Stottlemeyer points at Monk’s lapel pin.

Monk: A reunion pin?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Did you notice anybody missing a pin?
Monk: I haven’t noticed.
Stottlemeyer: I guess not.
Disher: Hey, Monk.

Lieutenant Randy Disher approaches them.

Disher: How’s memory lane?
Monk: Oh, pretty awful. Thanks for asking.
Disher: Listen, I was at the security office going through some old files. I think we’ve got a name. Henry Kalimarakis.
Stottlemeyer: Well, that’s a name.
Monk: Oh, oh, oh, he was on the swim team.
Disher: Correct. He was trying out for the Olympics. Twenty-five years ago, Nurse Rutherford administered a drug test. Henry came back positive for steroids. She turned him in, he threatened her, said she ruined his life.
Stottlemeyer: Well, that’s what the kids call a motive.
Natalie: Then he waited twenty-five years to do something about it? Who could hold a grudge for that long?
Stottlemeyer: I could. And have. Let’s check him out. Want to come with?
Monk: Maybe later. I want to show Natalie the library.
Disher: I was just there. It’s nothing special.
Natalie: It’s where he met Trudy.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher nod.

Stottlemeyer: Have fun.

Mr. Monk and Natalie walk away.

Disher: Oops. I didn’t know he met Trudy there.

Mr. Monk and Natalie are in the library.

Monk: I used to work here part-time. It was here. I was standing right here. It was a Tuesday, 4:30. She was wearing a white blouse. There was a button missing. There was a little thread sticking out.
Natalie: You remember it like it was yesterday.
Monk: It was yesterday.

Flashback ensues. A young Adrian Monk stacks up a set of books. A young Trudy approaches him.

Trudy: Excuse me. Hello. I can’t find a book. This is not the Dewey decimal system that I know and love. Do you work here?
Monk: Yes, I…yes, I do. Um, here’s the thing. Um, we’re reorganizing, and we’re moving all the stacks upstairs. What are you looking for?
Trudy: Trevor Rosenthal’s biography of Alexander Pope. Volume two.
Monk: Right. Yeah. I…

Monk runs to one table that has a stack of books, and pulls out Trevor Rosenthal’s biography of Alexander Pope.

Trudy: How did you do that?
Monk: I saw it last week.
Trudy: And you remembered?
Monk: If I see something once, I never forget it.
Trudy: That sounds pretty awful. My bad memory’s my salvation.

Adrian Monk hands the book to Trudy.

Monk: “Thus let me live, unseen, unknown. Thus unlamented, let me die. Steal…”
Trudy: “Steal from the world, and not a stone tell where I lie.” You know Alexander Pope. So you never forget anything? For example, you’re never going to forget this? Me, us, talking right now?

Adrian Monk shakes his head with a smile.

Guy: Hey, Captain Cool. You work here, right? Where’s the Xerox machine?
Monk: Downstairs.
Guy: Whoa, hey, it’s Trudy, right? Yeah, I met you at Poor Herbies two weeks ago. I’ve been thinking about you. You owe me a few hours of sleep, young lady.
Trudy: Drew, right?
Drew: You got it. I wanted to call you. I’ve been dying to call you, but I lost your phone number.
Trudy: Oh, please.
Drew: Oh, it’s true. It’s been driving me crazy. Have a little mercy here, and give me another chance?
Trudy: Well, it’s a new number. I don’t even know it myself.
Drew: Hey, Captain, do me a favor?

Drew uses Monk’s back to write on.

Drew: What are you doing?
Trudy: You mean now? Going back to the student center.
Drew: Me, too. I’ll walk you. Are these yours?
Trudy: Yep.

Drew takes Trudy’s books.

Drew: See, chivalry isn’t dead.

Trudy smiles. Drew winks at Adrian Monk who looks disappointed as the two walk away. Flashback ends.

Monk: And that’s how I got her number. Wait, wait, wait.
Natalie: You mean when he wrote it on your back, you could feel it? You could do that?
Monk: I have very sensitive skin.
Natalie: That’s like a superpower! Like a weird, not very useful superpower.
Monk: It took me thee weeks to call her. It was the bravest thing I ever did. She was already dating that other guy, Drew.
Natalie: Yeah, but she chose you. Never forget that. She chose you.
Monk: Yeah, I don’t know why, and he was just written up in Time magazine last year. He’s a famous heart surgeon. He’s rich. He’s happy. What was she thinking?
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, she knew exactly what she was doing.

Mr. Monk and Natalie are at the kiosk.

Monk: I can’t believe this kiosk got all cluttered again.
Natalie: Yeah, well, I guess you’ll have to just come back for your 50th. Okay, come on. Come on. Come on.
Dianne: Adrian! Oh, my God. Did you hear about Nurse Rutherford?
Monk: Uh, yes. We were just talking about it.
Dianne: Can you believe it? The police are here. They’re talking to everybody. They said she was killed.
Natalie: Were you close with her?
Dianne: I haven’t talked to her for years, but…well, still.
Monk: Horrible. It’s horrible.

Kyle arrives with a woman with her.

Kyle: Dianne. Hey, honey, are you okay?

Kyle gives her wife a kiss on the forehead, and turns to the lady with him.

Kyle: The nurse who died, Rutherford, apparently Dianne used to know her. These things happen, right? I mean, it’s a big city.

Adrian Monk turns to the lady Kyle brought with him.

Monk: Hello.
Kyle: I’m so sorry. Have you all met? This is Trudy.
Gertrude: Gertrude.
Kyle: But your nickname’s Trudy, right?
Gertrude: I had an aunt that called me Trudy.
Kyle: So, it’s Trudy! Trudy and I met over at the fountain, and I’ve invited her to join us for lunch.
Natalie: Okay! All right! Where are we eating?
Kyle: How about Rocco’s?
Dianne: Rocco’s?
Kyle: Rocco’s! Honey, you’ve been telling me about Rocco’s for years. You said it was your favorite hangout.
Dianne: Honey, I’m not even sure it’s still there.
Monk: No, no, no.
Kyle: It is. I checked.
Monk: Rocco’s…you don’t want…that place is terrible. They have this rotiserrie thing in the window with this one sad, lonely hotdog, going around and around…
Kyle: It sounds great! Huh? Come on. I am not taking no for an answer. It’ll be my treat. Come on. Let’s go have lunch, huh?
Dianne: Honey, are you okay? What’s going on?
Kyle: I just want you to have a great reunion. Who’s hungry?
Gertrude: Actually, I’ve already eaten.
Kyle: Oh, Trudy, have some coffee. There’s always room for coffee, huh? Here we go.
Natalie: Who is this guy?
Monk: I don’t know. I can’t believe I’m eating at Rocco’s again. I used to have nightmares about that hotdog.

Later that night when Kyle is out to get some ice from the ice machine, he calls someone on his cellphone.

Kyle: Hey, it’s me.

Kyle sighs.

Kyle: Yeah, I just left her. She’s sleeping. The sleep of the innocent. Yeah. We all ate at Rocco’s. Took some doing, but I finally got everybody to go. Now all I have to do is get everybody to play touch football tomorrow, and we’re home free. Hang tight, baby. Just one more night, she’ll be dead, and then it’ll be just you, me, and a big pile of money.

The next day, Mr. Monk and Natalie are bank in the campus. Natalie is sitting on a bench reading the program, while Mr. Monk fusses with something under the bench.

Natalie: Oh, look! There’s a reception for all current and past chess club members. Weren’t you in the chess club? That sounds like fun.

Mr. Monk just stares at Natalie.

Natalie: You never know. It could be fun.

Monk: Natalie, have you ever seen a chess club?
Natalie: What are you doing?
Monk: Weeds.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, there are weeds everywhere. What are you gonna do, clean up the whole campus?

Captain Stottlemeyer is at the University Clinic.

Doctor: Here it is. Katherine Rutherford’s employment file.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. So, if there were any complaints or any grievances against her, they’d be in here, right?
Doctor: Yeah. We’d have a copy of it, yeah, but I can’t think of anyone who had anything bad to say about her. Katie was an angel. A great nurse. It’s just heartbreaking.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Doctor: Say, did you go to school here?
Stottlemeyer: Me? No.
Doctor: Oh, you look familiar. Maybe one of your kids.
Stottlemeyer: No. I was here one time, though for a No Nukes rally. It was a long time ago.
Doctor: Yeah, that must be it.
Stottlemeyer: It must be.

Lieutenant Randy Disher arrives.

Disher: Captain? I, uh, tracked down Kalimarakis. I don’t think he’s our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He got a waiver.
Stottlemeyer: So there’s no motive.
Disher: Right. Number two, he’s dead. He died in 1995.

Captain Stottlemeyer looks annoyed.

Disher: And number three, he moved to Europe in the late 1980s so there’s no record of hi ever returning to the United States.
Stottlemeyer: Randy, Randy, excuse me. Sorry to interrupt you, but could you read number two again?
Disher: Okey-doke. He’s dead.
Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Disher: You would have switched them?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but that’s just me, and probably every other adult on the planet Earth.
Disher: Anything in her file?
Stottlemeyer: No. Not a single complaint.

A delivery boy with a wreath arrives.

Delivery Boy: Excuse me, is this the right place? It says, “In loving memory of Katherine Rutherford.”
Doctor: Yeah, this is the place.

Captain Stottlemeyer reads the note.

Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Captain Stottlemeyer speaks with Dianne Brooks.

Stottlemeyer: That was a lovely wreath. She must have meant a lot to you.
Dianne: Katherine Rutherford saved my life. My senior year was really tough for me.
Monk: I remember. Your mother passed away.
Dianne: That’s right. I was in a really bad place. So, I wrote a note, a suicide note, and…I don’t even remember what it said, and I took 53 little white pills. Katherine was worried about me so she came by the apartment, she broke down the door, and she called 911. I wouldn’t be here today. A wreath, you know, a few flowers, it’s the least I could do.

Kyle comes running up to his wife.

Kyle: Hey, who’s up for some football? Huh?
Natalie: Football?
Kyle: Yeah, yeah. Come on. Four on four. These guys just challenged us to a game.
Guy: No, we didn’t. Your boy here challenged us.
Kyle: Whatever! Come on! We got to show these guys how it’s done, huh? Old school! Come on, it’ll cheer us up. Let’s play. Everybody’s playing. Natalie? Adrian? Come on. A little bit of touch football?
Monk: Here’s the thing. I’m not a big football person, and the touching, that doesn’t really help matters.
Kyle: Okay, Adrian, help me out, please. Dianne has been a little depressed lately, and all I’m doing is trying to cheer her up.
Natalie: Oh, here, I’ll hold them.
Dianne: Oh, thank you.
Monk: Yeah, okay.
Disher: All right. I’m in, too. Let’s go. Let’s do it! Uh, let’s make the end zones that tree to the walkway. We’ll be shirts.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, Randy. Randy! You stay and play football if you want to. I’m gonna go to work on this little homicide investigation.
Disher: I got to go.

Randy throws the ball at Monk who catches it with his arms.

Kyle: Look at that. Look at that! And you said you don’t play. Come on! Let’s go, you guys. Watch it, fellas. Watch it. That’s all I’m gonna say. Let’s see a little hustle!

Randy looks on.

Captain: Randy?

Randy reluctantly follows Captain Stottlemeyer.

Kyle: Okay. Everybody, let’s huddle up. Come on, everybody in. All right. All right, Adrian, I want you to go out, and then cut over to the left.
Monk: So that’s one inch up, and three inches to the left?
Natalie: No, no, Mr. Monk, it’s like a map like a scale map.
Monk: Okay. What’s the scale?
Kyle: I don’t know. Uh, one inch is 20 feet.
Monk: So, that’s 60 feet. I’m going to be in the shrubs. You’re sending me into the shrubs.
Kyle: Okay, you know what? Let’s keep it simple. All right? Everybody just go out, try and get open, and if you get the ball, don’t get touched.
Natalie: Okay. Give the ball to Mr. Monk. He hates being touched.
Kyle: All right, break! Here we go! Here we go! Adrian, you hike it to me. And ready, hike!

Adrian Monk hesitate to pick up the ball.

Kyle: Adrian. Hike!
Natalie: Come on, Mr. Monk.

Mr. Monk tries to pick up the ball using his pinky fingers then switches to the tips of his thumbs.

Guy: What’s up?
Natalie: Do it.

Monk picks up the ball with its thread trying his best barely to touch it with his fingers. He throws it at Kyle.

Guy: There it is! All right!

Kyle catches it, and hands it over to Natalie who throws the ball at Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk catches the ball, and like a ballerina avoids being touched by the opponent.

Natalie: Look out! Go, go, go, go, go!

Mr. Monk reaches the end zone. The people clap and cheer.

Natalie: Yeah! Yeah, Mr. Monk!

Kyle’s team huddle once again.

Kyle: Okay, Dianne, you’re gonna be quarterback this time.
Dianne: What? Me? Honey, I don’t know what I’m doing.
Kyle: Sure you do. Listen, just look for me, okay? I’m gonna get open, and break!
Dianne: Okay!
Kyle: Ok, Dianne.
Dianne: All right.
Kyle: Say “Hike!”
Dianne: Okay. Okay.

Kyle throws the ball at Dianne. Dianne catches it. Kyle runs over to the kiosk.

Kyle: Dianne, over here! I’m open!

Dianne throws the ball. Kyle misses the ball, and it breaks the glass that covers the map on the kiosk.

Kyle: Sorry! That was my bad! It was the sun in my eyes!
Dianne: My God that is so weird. I can’t believe that happened again.
Natalie: What?
Dianne: I broke a window in the science building, right over there, my senior year. I tried to force it open, and it just shattered. Guess the jinx continues, huh?

At the alumni reception, people laugh and cheer at the slideshow. While Natalie enjoys the slideshow, Mr. Monk watches Kyle and Dianne who are at the bar.

Monk: He missed that ball on purpose. He dropped his hands. I think he wanted her to break that glass.
Natalie: Why, Mr. Monk?
Monk: And the dog. What about the dog with the same name? And how he insisted that everybody eat at Rocco’s. What was that all about?
Natalie: I don’t know. Maybe the guy is eccentric.
Monk: No, I’m eccentric. He’s up to something.

A picture of Trudy and Adrian Monk comes up on the slideshow. Only Natalie cheered.

Woman: That’s Trudy Ellison and…um…what was his name?
Natalie: Adrian Monk.
Woman: No, that’s not it. Um, Anthony something.

Natalie Teeger taps the woman.

Natalie: Excuse me.

Natalie points at Mr. Monk.

Natalie: Adrian Monk.
Woman: No, no, that’s not it. It’s…what is his name?

While Dianne is watching the slideshow, Kyle drugs her champagne. He hands the drink to her.

Captain: Excuse me!

Captain Stottlemeyer goes up the stage.

Stottlemyer: Could you kill the music? Thank you.

Captain Stottlemeyer taps on the microphone, and it sends feedback.

Stottlemeyer: Sorry to interrupt your dinner. This will just take a minute.

The slideshow continues to play behind the Captain.

Stottlemeyer: My name is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. I’m with the San Francisco Police Department, and we’re working on a homicide investigation, and we could use your help. As you may know, a woman was killed on Friday night. Her name was Katherine Rutherford. She worked as a nurse at the university clinic.

Kyle and Dianne join Mr. Monk and Natalie at their table.

Stottlmeyer: Now, we have reason to believe that someone in your class, possibley somebody in this room, might be involved. We’re looking for information. If anyone knows anyone who might have had a grudge against Mrs. Rutherford, either now or in the past…

A picture of the No Nukes rally goes up the screen.

Stottlemeyer: Or someone who might be missing their reunion lapel pin. The alumni reunion…

Captain Stottlemeyer’s picture as a young police officer at the rally comes up.

Everybody: Boo!

He turns around.

Stottlemeyer: Ha! All right! Hey, hey, hey! Settle down. Settle down, everybody. This…this is completely out of context. You can’t tell the whole story from one photograph!

The next slide shows Captain Stottlemeyer strangling one of the protesters with his nightstick. The booing grows louder.

Stottlemeyer: You didn’t have a permit.
Man: Yes, we did!

Another picture shows the Captain pushing a student up against a chicken wire.

Stottlemeyer: It expired at noon.

The next picture shows the Captain dragging a protester with the clock tower showing the time.

Man: 12:06!
Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it expired at noon. Okay, calm down everybody.

Dianne Brooks looks sleepy.

Kyle: You all right?
Dianne: Mmm-mmm.
Kyle: Want to leave?
Dianne: Mmm.
Kyle: I’m gonna take her back to the hotel.
Natalie: Is she alright?
Kyle: Yeah, she’s been feeling a little depressed lately. I’ll have her lie down, and we’ll be back for the last dance.

Kyle escorts Dianne out the reception hall, while Stottlemeyer exits the stage.

Stottlemeyer: Um, thank you very much. Thank you for your help.

Somebody throws a napkin at the Captain.

Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

After the dinner, Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher sit with Natalie and Mr. Monk.

Disher: You forgot to give them the toll-free number.
Stottlemeyer: You know, I don’t think we’re going to get any hot leads from this group, Randy.
Natalie: Oh, shoot. Dianne’s earrings. I forgot to give them back.

Natalie pulls the earrings out form her purse.

Stottlemeyer: Hang on a second.

Captain looks at the pictures from the crime scene, and the beads match those on the earrings. He shows them to Natalie.

Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Natalie: It looks like they’re from the same set. I mean they match perfectly.
Stottlemeyer: Whose earrings are these?
Monk: Dianne Brooks. She and her husband left about a half an hour ago. He said she was depressed. He’s been saying that all week.
Disher: Were they in town Friday night?
Natalie: Um, yeah. They got in the day before.
Monk: Oh, my God. Captain, I think Dianne is in danger. I think her husband is planning to kill her. Tonight.

Mr. Monk exit the building followed by Natalie, the Captain, and Disher.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, what’s going on?
Monk: Okay, I have a theory. It’s completely crazy, but it would explain everything.

Flashback ensues. Dianne puts a box of her things in the basement of their new house, and so does Kyle.

Monk: Kyle and Dianne moved recently. At some point, Kyle must have found some of her old papers. Personal papers including the suicide note she wrote twenty-five years ago.
Stottlemeyer: Her suicide note?
Monk: He realized that with that note, he could kill his wife with impunity. It was in her handwriting. Nobody would ever question it.

Flashback: Kyle reads the suicide note.
Dianne (voice-over): The depression is overwhelming…Give Tangerine a good home…No relief. Even today, was eating at Rocco’s with Adrian and Trudy…breaking that glass at the quad today felt like the final straw.

Monk: But he had one problem, because the note was twenty-five years old, obviously there were a couple of things in it that were no longer true.
Natalie: Like the name of her dog.
Monk: Exactly, and breaking that glass.

Mr. Monk, Natalie, Stottlemeyer, and Disher are outside the campus.

Monk: And eating at that restaurant with Adrian and Trudy. That’s what he was doing all weekend. He was recreating parts of her life to match that suicide note.
Natalie: So if we found out, we wouldn’t be suspicious.
Disher: Why did he kill the nurse?
Stottlemeyer: He had no choice. Katherine Rutherford read that note twenty-five years ago. It would have been made public, she would have recognized it.
Natalie: My God, Mr. Monk, he could be doing it right now.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher walk up to the registration table.

Stottlmeyer: Registration sheets are all gone!
Monk: Oh!
Disher: Monk, do you have a cell phone number?
Monk: No.
Disher: Do you know where they stayed?
Monk: Some hotel.
Stottlemeyer: There are over 200 hotels in this city, Monk. It’ll take us over five hours to check them all.
Monk: Hold on. Hold on!

Adrian Monk rolls his shoulders forward a couple of times.

Disher: What’s he doing?
Stottlemeyer: I don’t know. What are you doing?
Monk: The hotel where they’re staying, it was on their registration form.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah? So?
Monk: When Dianne signed in…

Flashback shows Dianne filling out her invitation on Monk’s back.

Monk: We were standing in line. She wrote…she wrote on my back.

Natalie smiles.

Disher: Can he do that?
Natalie: That’s how he met Trudy. It’s his superpower!
Monk: Oh, there’s her name. Home address.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, it was near the bottom.
Monk: She has terrible penmanship. Why did it have to be cursive? She ordered prime rib, medium rare.
Natalie: Keep going. It’s just below that.
Monk: Yeah, there’s an L, uh, L-E, Lexus! Is there a Lexus Hotel?
Stottlemeyer: No, it’s the car they drove, Monk.
Natalie: Keep going.
Monk: There’s a “P”, “P”, No! “P”, “P”, “B”! “B”! “B”!
Stottlemeyer: “B”?
Monk: It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” It’s a “B.” “L.”
Natalie: Bla…
Stottlemyer: Bla…
Monk: “A.”
Monk: The Bla…The Blaza…
Disher: The Blaza! Plaza!
Monk: B-L-A…The Bla…The Blab…
Stottlemeyer: The Blakemore Hotel!
Disher: It’s right up the street.

Captain Stottlemeyer, Lieutenant Disher, Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger run to the hotel.

At the hotel, Dianne screams as her husband struggles to push her over the balcony.

Kyle: Don’t fight it!

Kyle pushes her over the balcony. Dianne holds on to dear life. Kyle tries to pry her fingers off the balcony. Captain Stottlemeyer, Lieutenant Disher, Monk and Natalie arrive. The captain drags Kyle away from Dianne.

Stottlemeyer: Grab her! Grab her!

Lt. Disher grabs Dianne, and helps her back up.

Disher; I got her. Come on. It’s okay. Put your arm up here. It’s all right.

Randy helps Dianne on to the bed as the Captain cuffs Kyle. Natalie hands the suicide note to Dianne.

Natalie: Here’s the note. I found it on the desk.

Dianne reads the note in disbelief. Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger return to the campus. Adrian looks at a bench, and remembers himself and Trudy sitting on it.

Flashback ensues.

Monk: Trudy, I just…there’s something, and…I love you.
Trudy: Then we’re in big trouble. I love you, too.

Adrian Monk takes Trudy’s hand.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion” episode was written by Dan Dratch. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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Three’s A Crowd – McLeod’s Daughters Episode Summary 2.7

2011-08-28T18:03:00.001-04:00

Synopsis: Claire McLeod and Peter Johnson’s relationship is deepening, and Tess is not loving being the third wheel. She spends more time at Wilgul in an attempt to avoid the lovebirds, and learns that Nick Ryan is willing to put his life in danger to save his ailing farm. Concerned for his safety, Tess reaches out to Alex, and divulges the secret his parents have been hiding for years. Meanwhile, Harry Ryan does a background check on Peter Johnson, and finds information that would devastate Claire McLeod.

Episode Summary: Harry and Alex Ryan is convinced that Peter Johnson made a mistake awarding the training contract to Claire McLeod instead of them as evidenced by the amount of money Australian Bloodlines have to invest in building the stables for the horses when the Ryan’s could have easily covered the cost had they been given the contract. Harry’s concern goes beyond losing the contract, but the growing relationship between Claire and Peter. He anticipates that sooner or later, Peter Johnson will take over Drovers Run. Peter and Claire’s relationship has indeed deepened with him spending the night at Drovers again. Harry Ryan takes the opportunity to get Sergeant Frank Da Costa’s help in running a background check on Peter Johnson. This after the sergeant pays a visit to Killarney to personally hassle Terry Dodge about his unpaid fines. Continue reading...

Tess is beginning to feel uncomfortable around Claire and Peter who seem to be spending more and more time with each other. She personally brings a horse to Wilgul to escape the awkwardness of being the third wheel. Nick Ryan is planning to ride the horse instead of his bike to tend to his farm, a plan that worries Tess knowing his condition.

Jodi Fountain suffers the after effects of his father’s leaving. Furious at giving up the Miss Gungellan crown she had worked hard to achieve, and once again feeling her father’s rejection, Jodi decides to throw away everything her father gave her. Out with the old Jodi who spends most of her days dreaming of seeing the world, and in with the new who uses work to distract her from emotional distress. She turns to Becky to join her pursuit for diversion, but the station hand appears to be beside herself, still lost in thought with the incident at the Gungellan Ball. Having stood up Craig Woodland in her failed plan of leaving Drovers Run with her father, Jodi worries having severed any chance with the young man unaware that he had already put his sights on Becky after making out with her at the ball. This comes as a surprise to Jodi knowing that her friend had Brick as her date. In the end, Craig ends up the loser having lost any chance of going out with either woman.

There seems to be a role reversal at Drovers with Jodi’s willingness to do the farm chores despite the blazing hot sun, while Becky would rather stay inside, and Claire sleeping in to spend more time with Peter, while Tess is up and about managing the farm. Claire’s inattentiveness with other things except Peter peeves Tess. She feels disconnected to her sister as Claire makes more and more decisions about the farm with her boyfriend without consulting her.

With no one else to turn to, Tess seeks Alex’ help to put some sense into Nick, and prevent him from putting his life at risk for his farm. Alex still angry at learning that his brother has gone behind his back, and played him for a fool, refuses to offer help unless his brother personally asks for it. He believes that Nick’s underhanded plan of buying Wilgul is a way to get back at him for the rodeo accident. Fully aware of what truly happened, Tess divulges that Harry could have prevented the accident that had always been in Alex’ conscience. He knew that his underage sons were at the rodeo, but did not do anything about it to teach them a lesson. This fact Tess learned from Liz Ryan. Furious at learning the truth that his father had let him get the brunt of the blame for his brother’s unfortunate fate, Alex dangerously drives back to Killarney, and in his fury punches his father. For years, Alex carried the guilt of almost causing her brother’s death when both his parents knew that his father could have put a stop to it. Despite her pleas, Liz Ryan loses yet another son for she too is guilty having chosen her husband over her son. To Harry’s surprise, his wife too is no longer on his side as Liz leaves Killarney. Alex Ryan arrives at Wilgul looking to see if his brother would have him. Although surprised with his decision, Nick wastes no time to take his brother in requiring little explanation from him. Alex, nonetheless, tells his brother the secret their parents have been keeping from them. Nick is more than ever determined to turn Wilgul into a full functioning, profitable farm to avoid having to return to Killarney. With Alex by his side, he just got a step closer to fulfilling his dream.

Claire McLeod seems to be ready to take her relationship with Peter to the next level as she browses over wedding dresses in a magazine. Meg Fountain sees her, and is reminded of her wedding. Though she does not wish to have Kevin back in her life, she has come to accept all his faults, something she wishes her daughter would learn. Becky Howard sees her looking for her husband’s penknife Jodi had thrown away, and discreetly asks for advice learning that Meg desires getting back with Terry. Unfortunately, Meg believes that there is nothing that can be done to win back a man’s heart. All one can do is wait for their forgiveness. Becky loses hope at mending fences with Brick. She returns the dress and the sandals she borrowed from Tess, and becomes upset when Tess insists on her keeping it for the upcoming dates she’ll be having with Brick. Unable to reveal of the blunder she made, Tess is taken aback by Becky’s sudden burst of anger, but finds no time to speak to the young woman seeing the speeding car of Liz Ryan.

Fully aware of what she has done, it is no surprise to her to find Liz rushing over to Drovers. Although she understands the reasoning behind divulging the secret she hoped Tess would keep to herself, Liz is nonetheless furious at her for wrecking her family apart, and wonders whether she too will spoil the relationship Claire has with Peter. As if putting a finger on to a wound, Liz reminds her what had always been in her mind. Tess does not belong in Drovers Run. Liz Ryan returns to Killarney, and finds her downcast husband worried that he had lost her.

In her time of need, she looks for her sister’s shoulder to cry on, but once again Peter is in the way. The man returns with news of two more clients signing up for Claire’s services. Moreover, he had installed a new sign that officially names Claire McLeod as an official horse trainer for Australian Bloodlines. Claire could not be any happier. Growing more distant from her sister, Tess rings her city friends to check up on their café.

Jodi Fountain brings to Wilgul one of its helpless, lost sheep. She finds good advice about family from an unlikely confidant, Nick Ryan. Jodi is surprised to learn that despite Nick’s resentment towards his devious father, the young man does not ignore the similarities he has with him. In his quest to be a successful businessman, he does not forget to acknowledge that some of his traits and skills came from his father. Having heard this, Jodi returns to the patch where she had thrown her father’s penknife in the hopes of finding it. Luckily, her mother had already found it, and finally gets the opportunity to give her daughter advice. She tells her daughter that one does not have to hate someone if one does not like some of the things they do. Relieved to have inherited her father’s humor, and sense of adventure, Jodi is back to her old self. Her truck overheats on her way to town to buy conditioner for her hair, forgetting to bring along a jug of water with her. Luckily, Craig comes to her rescue, and opens the line to them getting back together.

Harry Ryan receives a call learning that Peter Johnson is married. The Ryan’s have yet another hurtful secret they can choose to divulge. Harry drops by Drovers Run to tell Claire the news, but Peter is in the way. He, however, drops a hint that Peter surely picked up, and was quick to divert the conversation. Though not the best father to his children, Harry truly wants the best for Claire, but the young woman makes it clear that she is already on her way to fulfilling her dream. Becky is at the wrong place at the wrong time. Harry divulges the secret that Peter Johnson has a wife and two kids in Queensland to the young woman instead. He gives Becky the moral dilemma of choosing to break the disheartening news that would surely devastate Claire McLeod.

Being kept in the dark with the legalities of the contract Drovers Run has with Australian Bloodlines, Tess becomes concerned upon hearing that Australian Bloodlines is investing a lot of money to their property. Unable to stand the two lovebirds, Tess pays a visit to the Fountains, and as luck would have it Craig surprises Jodi with an invite to go drinking in town. This gave Tess an opportunity to voice out her concern to Meg, but is disappointed to learn that the housekeeper is the least bit concerned with Claire marrying Peter.

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