In 1990, young Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are playing basketball. Shawn fakes, and successfully shoots the ball.
Shawn does his victory dance.
Shawn: Uh-huh! Uh-huh! I cannot be defeated! Who else wants some?
Henry Spencer walks over to the boys.
Henry: I do.
Gus: Why can’t I ever beat him?
Henry: ‘cause you got no game, Gus. I’d stick to tapping. Ball up. All right, Shawn. First one to 11 wins. How much are you spotting me?
Henry: Nothing. Winners don’t need spots. You know what they need?
Henry: Nobody’s using that stuff, Gus, that’s just a rumor. They need to believe that they can be victorious no matter how tough the challenge. Now…
Henry passes the ball at Shawn.
Henry: Start believing.
Shawn dribbles then shoots. Henry blocks the ball effortlessly.
Henry: Get that weak-ass crap out of my face. This is my house!
Gus: Technically, it’s the bank’s.
Shawn dejectedly stares at his father.
Henry: You’re never going to improve in life if you keep competing with people who stink. No offense, Gus.
Gus: None taken.
Henry: You got to challenge yourself. If you don’t, complacency sets in, and bad things happen when we become complacent.
Present day, Shawn has fallen asleep while listening to an audio book.
Narrator: If you tell anyone my secret, Eden, my career will be over. We will be over, said Chase. Eden replied, I’d die before I’d let anyone you’re a shape-shifter, Doctor. If only Eden knew how prophetic those words would be.
There’s a beep.
Narrator: End of disk five of Internity.
Shawn’s cellphone rings. He looks at the screen and it’s the SBPD.
Later, Shawn and Gus are walking.
Shawn: Look, there’s a reason those books have sold almost 30 million copies, Gus.
Gus: Mostly to teenage girls.
Shawn: And adult males who enjoy reading stories about vampire doctors and their dysfunctional dating lives. You’re one to talk, Mr. “I bought Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! on DVD.”
Gus: There were fifteen deleted scenes, Shawn. Fifteen. You said you were going to the office last night to catch up on work.
Shawn: Which I did. Then I saw those beers in the fridge.
Gus: Our fridge doesn’t work.
Shawn: Yes, but 7-Eleven’s does. It is there that I saw the Internity audio books for sale, and decided the paperwork would have to wait.
Shawn and Gus enter a coffee shop.
Shawn: Hey, how did your date go with that chick who spells her name weird?
Gus: Her name is Kim, and she spells it K-I-M.
Shawn: Which is just obnoxious. It’s like if I was Shawn with three Ss.
Gus: You’re just jealous, because I’m in a relationship.
Shawn: Please, you’ve known her for six days.
Gus: Which have been pure magic. You know when you just know?
Sales Clerk: Great. You guys.
Shawn: Well, good morning to you, too, Minka.
Shawn: Gus will have his usual.
Minka: Six chocolate chip muffins and a chocolate milk.
Gus: Extra chocolaty.
Shawn: And I’ll take a baked good that I will be choosing momentarily, and a latte that your fine establishment will be paying for once I nail the trivia question that you put on that board, just like I do every morning.
Minka: Oh, except this one.
Shawn: I’m afraid your confidence reeks falser than your boyfriend’s ID which, FYI, I saw taped to the counter at 7-Eleven. Good luck to you.
Gus: Wait until you get a chance to meet Kim at the wedding on Saturday. You are going to love her.
Shawn: If you think that I’m going to be a third wheel to you and Kim with one “I”, then you’re nuts. I’m bringing my own date.
Shawn: I’ll give you a hint. It rhymes with Gooliet.
Shawn: You nailed it on the first guess. That’s tight.
Gus: When did you ask her?
Shawn: I haven’t yet. I’m not worried. It’s a lock, she’ll say yes.
Gus: How do you know?
Shawn: A, she has no plans that night. B, there’s always been a sort of unspoken, sometimes spoken, thing between the two of us. And four, I happen to know she loves spontaneity. You know why? Because I can read women.
Gus: And she used to have that on her Facebook page.
Shawn: Which I read. Uh, I think it’s time to roll the dice.
Minka whistles to get Shawn and Gus’ attention.
Minka: Order’s ready. And so is today’s question.
Shawn reads the question on the chalkboard.
Shawn: How many times is the F-Bomb used in “The Usual Suspects”?
Shawn and Gus exclaim.
Shawn: Ooh, Minka, taking things up a notch. That might actually require some coffee.
Shawn feels his pockets.
Minka: Yeah, ah, ah. No googling.
Shawn: Don’t insult my intelligence.
Shawn clears his throat.
Guy: I actually believe it’s ninety-eight. Fenster dropped one after that line-up scene. Often gets mistaken for the word “Gug”, which isn’t even a word, but let’s be honest, it should be.
Shawn: What’s happening right here?
Minka: He’s right. It’s…It’s ninety-eight.
Minka: Uh? What can I get you? It’s on the house.
Guy: Oh, I’m actually good. I just came in to use your recycling bin.
The guys winks at Minka, and drops his water bottle in the recycling bin.
Shawn: Who the gug is that guy?
Minka: That’ll be 14.95.
Shawn and Gus are at the park.
Shawn: I’m still annoyed, Gus.
Gus: Who cares about the question? I can’t believe we’re working on the Lord’s Day.
Shawn: And Sunday for that matter.
Gus: Sunday is the Lord’s Day, Shawn. Lassie, I didn’t know you were playing golf today.
Detective Lassiter is wearing golf shoes, and a polo shirt.
Lassiter: I wasn’t.
Shawn: Jules, what do we got?
Jules: Lucy Friedman, seventy-year old female, found dead on her blanket after the Philharmonic last night, but she wasn’t discovered until this morning. We don’t know the cause yet.
Shawn: I do. Boredom.
Jules: I love the Philharmonic.
Shawn: Oh, me, too. I’m just kidding. Not.
Gus: Stop trying to single-handedly bring “Not” back into vogue.
Shawn: Okay. Not. I’m also going to bring back, “Said the liar.”
Gus: That one is even dumber.
Shawn: Said the liar.
Lassiter: There’s no visible marks or signs of struggle. Doesn’t look like foul play to me.
Shawn notices the bug anti-repellant on the old lady’s blanket. He remembers the different causes of death of two other senior citizens in the obituary. The first one was a man who collapsed while washing his car. The other one died while styling a client’s hair.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lassie, the psychic gods disagree. I’m sensing that there’s a direct link between this poor woman’s death, and the deaths of a Peter Hodges, and a Veronica Miler earlier this week.
Jules: And what link would that be?
Guy: All three died within close proximity of an aerosol can.
Shawn is shocked to have his thunder stolen by the same guy at the coffee shop.
Shawn: All right, who are you? And why do you keep stealing my moments?
Declan: I’m sorry, I’m Declan Rand, criminal profiler.
Lassiter: Right. Chief Vick said you’d be stopping by. I’m Detective Carlton Lassiter. This is my partner Juliet O’Hara and, eh.
Shawn: Criminal profiler, huh? Sounds like one of those job titles that only exists in cheesy TV shows.
Declan: No argument here. What is it that you do?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective.
Jules: You know what, he’s right about the aerosol cans. Hodges died holding a thing of vinyl protectant, and Miller was found within a feet of a can of hairspray.
Lassiter: So you ‘re saying this is a serial killer?
Declan: Well, the consistencies at each scene combined with the close timing of the deaths certainly makes it a possibility.
Shawn notices a homeless person lying on the grass.
Declan: Definitely recommend checking the contents of those cans.
Lassiter: I’ll make the call.
Jules: Thanks for the tip.
Declan: Oh, no, it’s my pleasure, Detective.
Shawn: Wow. Come here.
Shawn pulls Gus aside.
Shawn: Why don’t I like this guy?
Gus: I don’t know, maybe because he keeps stealing your thunder.
Shawn: Because his name is Declan. Don’t you find that utterly ridiculous?
Shawn: That’s because your name’s Burton.
Gus: Can we get out of here?
Shawn: Not until I ask Jules to be my date to the wedding…
Gus: Now is not the time.
Shawn: Why not?
Gus: Well, for starters, there’s a dead boy ten yards away.
Shawn: Don’t be so old-fashioned. Jules! May I have a word?
Jules: Yeah, what’s up?
Shawn: Well, I know this is totally short notice, but I was wondering if, uh, you’d like to be my date to a friend’s wedding on Saturday.
Jules: Are you asking me out next to a dead person?
Gus: Told you.
Shawn: Yes, but I thought it would be okay since it doesn’t really smell.
Jules: Saturday, uh, I’d love to…
Jules: But I literally just made plans with someone else.
Shawn: What? Who?
Jules looks at Declan as he walks by, and he winks at her.
Shawn: Come on.
Jules: But if I had known…
Shawn: No. That’s fine.
Lassiter: O’Hara! Need you over here.
Jules: Okay, um, well, we should talk about this later, yeah?
Shawn: Yes, later.
Detective O’Hara goes over Detective Lassiter and Declan.
Shawn: I really don’t like the cut of that guy’s jib, Gus. Something about him. What is it?
Gus: Let’s see, smeart, knowledgeable of film, crime-solving machine. He’s Shawn 2.0.
Shawn and Gus are at the SBPD station.
Shawn: I don’t understand why you’re giving Declan all the credit for coming up with the fact there was poison in those cans when you know I had the exact same take.
Gus: So why didn’t you say anything?
Shawn: Because he beat me to the punch, Gus.
Gus: Just like with Juliet and the trivia question.
Shawn: You’re a big fat person.
Gus: No, I’m not.
Shawn: I know. I was trying to get you back for making me feel bad.
Jules: Shawn, hey.
Shawn: Hey, Jules.
Jules: Why are you talking like that?
Gus: Sometimes he over enunciates when he gets uncomfortable.
Shawn: I do not.
Jules: Can I talk to you for a second?
Jules: Um…listen, about yesterday. You know I was thinking about it, and I barely know Declan. I will reschedule with him if you really need a date to this wedding.
Shawn: No, no, no, Jules, I don’t need a date. I only asked you that because I thought you might be looking for something to do this weekend. You know? Finding another date would be no problem. Trust me.
Jules: Oh, good. I’m glad.
Jules walks away annoyed. Shawn walks over to Gus.
Shawn: Did you hear that?
Gus: Every ill-conceived word.
Shawn: Now, I have to find a date to this thing.
Gus: Yeah, you do.
Chief: Okay, listen up! If you haven’t heard already we have a potential serial killer on the loose who has poisoned three victims within five days. Now your department heads will brief you on the specifics, but what you need to know right now is that every officer here is on this case. All precinct resources will be made available to you including outside consultants.
Henry: Specifically, we’ll be bringing in Psych because of their experience working with serial killers.
Shawn: We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekends.
Gus: They’re usually very dark.
Henry: We’re also hiring Declan Rand.
Henry: Highly trained criminal profiler who also brought us our first big break in the case.
Shawn: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Chief: He’s going to share with us his initial profile of the suspect. We will not have another serial killer loose on our streets.
Declan: Thank you. Thank you, Karen. Now, uh, each of the victims were killed with hemlock, a poison that, in addition to being a lot of fun to say, don’t take my word for it…
Declan: Works by slowly shutting down the immune system, creating an almost peaceful death.
Shawn whispers to himself.
Declan: And given that the victims were all over the age of sixty, and suffering from major illnesses, I believe our killer could have euthanistic intentions.
Lassiter: You mean, like, mercy killings?
Declan: Exactly, and it’s my estimation they were committed by a female in her mid-30s. Most likely suffering from an overwhelming compassionate side.
Shawn: I know who it is.
Shawn: Alicia Silverstone. By the way, Declan, her first role was in the movie, The Crush.
Declan: Actually, that was her second role. She first did an uncredited appearance on The Wonder Years.
Shawn: She did. He’s right. He’s good.
Chief: Okay, now that we’ve got that all cleared up, let’s go out there and get this guy or girl.
Declan: Can I?
Jules happily walks over to Declan. Shawn angrily forces his dad in his office.
Henry: What are you doing, Shawn?
Shawn: First, you hired two geriatric cops. Fine. Now, you bring in this hacky profiler with the world’s worst name, and the most impossibly dark eyelashes on any man ever.
Shawn: Stop it. When are you going to realize that Gus and I are all you need?
Henry: All right, first of all, I agree about the name. But this guy is not a hack, Shawn. I have got glowing recommendations from two different chiefs of police. Check out his resume.
Henry hands Declan’s resume to Shawn then to Gus.
Gus: He has a masters in psychology and criminology from Harvard and an MBA.
Shawn: Get out of here, he’s got a monkey basketball league?
Henry: Shawn, this guy is good. I hope you’re up to the challenge.
Shawn: What are you talking about?
Henry: Oh, come on, kid, let’s face it, you’ve been sloppy lately. You’re showing up at crime scenes after a late night out.
Gus: Or in.
Henry: And you mailed in the last case I gave you. Literally.
Henry pulls up a piece of paper that reads “The Nanny Did it!! S.”
Shawn: My email was down. Besides, I was right, wasn’t I?
Henry: It doesn’t matter.
Shawn: How does that not matter?
Henry: The point is, if you want to hang with this guy, you’re going to have to up your game.
Shawn: Please. Declan Rand can’t touch my game. You know why? Because it’s on fire, and it’s covered with those little things that porcupines have.
Shawn: You watch while I smoke this arrogant fool.
Shawn angrily steps out of his dad’s office.
Declan: Hey, guys, I just want to say I am blown away by the number of cases you’ve solved over the years. I just looked it up. It’s an honor and a pleasure to be working with both of you.
Shawn: Someone likes themselves.
Gus: Thanks, Declan.
Shawn: Yeah, man, I got to be honest, I’m just not a big believer in the ability to psychologically profile a complete stranger.
Declan: Well, I respect that, but I do it successfully all the time.
Shawn: Really? Try me.
Declan: I’d really prefer not to.
Shawn: Because you can’t.
Declan: Well, the truth is that…
Shawn: You’re not able.
Declan: You’re highly intelligent, but you’re shameful of that fact, so you play it down for the use of inappropriate behavior, and you live in fear of showing weakness so you hide behind a constant barrage of jokes and sarcasm.
Shawn: I agree. Not. Said the liar.
Declan: Not sure if those two go together. “Said the liar,” cancels “Not,” out.
Shawn: So does your face. What else?
Declan: I notice you overly enunciate words at times, which I suspect is some kind of nervous reaction to confrontation or awkwardness.
Shawn: Yeah. Couldn’t be further off.
Declan: Well, I tried.
Shawn: Take care.
Gus: He wasn’t off.
Shawn: I know.
Later, Shawn, Gus, Declan, Detectives Lassiter and O’Hara are at the morgue.
Medical Examiner: As you can see, we have the body of our victim from the park right here, and right here, we have Ms. Miller and Mr. Hodes.
Lassiter: What about that one?
Detective Lassiter points at the picture of a dead body that looks a lot like the medical examiner.
Medical Examiner: Oh, that’s a photo my 15-year-old daughter’s taken for her photography class.
Declan: Is that person you? Very observant, yes.
Medical Examiner: Yeah, it’s amazing what, really, a little ketchup and baby powder can do. Anyway, I think that I agree with Declan’s theory that these were all mercy killings.
Shawn: What? Look, Woody, we’re just looking for the facts here.
Gus: Since when?
Woody: You see, each of these victims was suffering from a life threatening disease.
Woody points at the picture of the murder victims.
Woody: Cirrhosis and advanced hepatitis, respectively. And Mrs. Friedman here was suffering from Wilson’s disease.
Shawn: Wilson’s disease?
Flashback ensues. Shawn was listening to the audio book while making a cocktail.
Narrator: “Your patient dying of Wilson’s disease is going to get a liver from the donor list,” exclaimed Chase. Eden was ecstatic. “But If I do the surgery, the blood loss will b enormous, because I will most likely drink half of it.” Eden was in a bind.
Shawn: Yeah, she was.
Flashback ends. Shawn whispers to Gus.
Shawn: You are never allowed to mock me for listening to those books again. I’m getting something.
Jules: What is it?
Shawn: Those were not mercy killings.
The team pays a visit to the UCSB Medical Center Donor Clinic.
Lassiter: I don’t know what in Sam’s hell this has to do with a transplant list, but I’m fairly certain it’s a waste of time.
Declan: Um, I say we trust Shawn’s instincts on this one.
Shawn: Said the liar.
Gus: He was supporting you.
Shawn: Really? Guess I jumped the gun.
Nurse: Excuse me, Detective? I believe this is what you were asking for. It’s a list of all the people in the area waiting for a liver transplant.
Lassiter: Look at the first three names.
Jules: Peter Hodges, Veronica Miller, Lucy Friedman.
Gus: Someone could be killing people off to move up the list.
Shawn: Exactly. Nice try, though, buddy.
Declan: Just out of curiousity, who’s the next person in line?
Jules: Catherine Bicks.
Jules: Thirty-five. She totally matches your profile.
Lassiter: Well done, Declan.
Shawn: “Well done, Declan?” Since when do you use first names?
Lassiter: We need to track this girl down.
Shawn: Hey, I’m the one that came up with the list thing.
Declan: Good work, Shawn.
Shawn: Shut up, Declan.
Shawn is at the Psych office calling up old dates.
Shawn: Krista, hey, Shawn Spencer here. Yes, I am the one who took you to that Dodgers game. Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up, I did not run onto the field. I merely took a few steps to follow a foul ball. I ended up in center field after it ricocheted off a divider where I proceeded to make like Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. I realize that reference is lost on you. What are you doing on Saturday? Hello?
Gus: Please tell me you did not sleep here again last night.
Shawn: Nope. I got here half an hour ago to get stuff done. What? Tried to make some joe but our cofeemaker’s busted.
Gus: We don’t have a coffeemaker.
Shawn: What was I fiddling with for the last half hour?
Gus: What is all that?
Shawn: This? This right here? This is research I dug up on all the people that make up the transplant list.
Gus: Hmm. I got to say, Shawn, this is pretty impressive. Mmm-hmm. I guess your dad should hire ringers more often.
Shawn: Trust me on this, Declan is no ringer. Once I prove that the killer is someone on this list not named Catherine Bicks, everyone including Juliet, will realize that.
Gus: Okay, I get it, so you figured if you can win this case, then you’ll win Juliet.
Shawn: No, but if making Declan look sucky somehow diminishes his appeal in Juliet’s eyes, I’ll take it. Look, Gus, this isn’t personal.
Gus: You do realize everything you just said is the definition of personal, right?
Shawn’s cell phone rings.
Shawn: Hello, Dad.
Henry: Catherine Bicks was spotted entering her house about an hour ago. You two have to get over there immediately. Shawn? Are you listening to me?
Shawn has his hand over the phone’s mic. Gus is standing in front of him holding a broken humidifier.
Gus: My humidifier looks nothing like a coffeemaker.
Shawn: I’ll buy you a new one.
The team are in front of Catherine Bick’s house. Declan is walking alongside Juliet.
Declan: To Catherine, she was justified in killing the people ahead of her on that list because unlike them she has her entire life ahead of her. We call it sociopathic rationalization.
Jules: Oh, I find that stuff fascinating.
Shawn: Me, too.
Gus: Don’t say, “Not”. None of those stupid expressions are coming back.
Shawn: That’s what they said about Hammer pants.
Gus: Which never came back.
Shawn: Why did I just buy three pair?
Gus: Because you’re an idiot.
Shawn: Because it’s Hammertime.
Gus: It’s never Hammertime, Shawn.
Shawn: I dare you to tell Hammer that.
Detective Lassiter knocks on Catherine Bicks’ front door. The woman opens the door, and is faced with the detective’s badge.
Catherine: Can I help you?
Jules: Catherine Bicks? We’d like to ask you a few questions about a recent string of murders in this area. Wow. Okay. Come on in.
Catherine: I’m not a suspect, am I?
Lassiter: I don’t know. Should you be?
Catherine: What? Listen, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I just need…
Catherine grabs her purse.
Lassiter: Ma’am, please keep your hands where I can see them.
Catherine: No, I just need to grab…
Detective Lassiter pulls out his gun, and points it at Catherine Bicks.
Lassiter: Put your hands in the air now!
Startled Catherine drops her bag, and puts her hand in the air. Shawn notices her luggage, and piled up mail. Jules inspects the woman’s purse.
Shawn: Catherine, hi. I’m sensing that you recently spent some time in Switzerland, is that correct?
Catherine: Yeah. I was visiting my liver specialist there.
Shawn: Mmm-hmm. Good two weeks or so.
Catherine: Two and a half.
Declan: You can prove that.
Catherine: My…my passport’s in my purse. That’s what I was reaching for before he pulled his giant gun out at me.
Detective O’Hara pulls out Catherine’s passport from her purse, and confirms the woman’s statement.
Jules: It’s stamped.
Detective Lassiter looks at the passport.
Lassiter: Catherine, I am so sorry. Um, you have yourself a great day, okay?
Shawn feigns a cough.
The team leaves the house except for Shawn. He notices the pictures on the mantle.
Shawn: You play softball. I play. Feels fun. This is probably a weird time to ask, but do you have plans on Saturday?
Gus returns, and pulls Shawn outside.
Declan: You sure we don’t want to ask her more questions? She was the precise match of my profile.
Lassiter: Your profile can kiss my big, round, white dumper, Declan. I do not enjoy pointing my gun at innocent women.
Jules: You don’t?
Lassiter: No. I’m not 29 anymore.
Shawn: It was a good effort, Declan.
Gus: I guess we should check the next person on the transplant list.
Jules: Yeah. That is a Leonard Jimenez. He lives at 19 Willow Street. That’s ten minutes from here.
Lassiter: Let’s go.
Shawn: Gus and I will meet you there.
Gus: Why the hell are we at a hotel?
Shawn: Because Leonard Jimenez died of liver cancer three days ago. I learned that in my research this morning.
Gus: So why didn’t you tell that to Lassiter and Juliet?
Shawn: Must have slipped my mind, Gus. Look, in the hour or so it takes them to put it together, I figure we’ll bust the next person on the list, who I know is the real killer and Declan can’t swoop in and steal my thunder, like the little thunder stealer he is.
Gus: You are an unbelievable person who is the next person on this list?
Shawn: That guy.
Shawn points at the signboard that displays the name Fitz Gurley.
Shawn and Gus enter the conference hall where a man is in the middle of his speech.
Emcee: Everyone here has ahandful of stores about ole Fitzy. I know I have about three handfuls, which doesn’t make any sense.
Shawn: Fitz looks scary, Gus.
Gus: Tha doesn’t mean he’s guilty, Shawn.
Shawn: Are you looking at him?
Shawn: Pure evil. Strong enough to overwhelm any one of our victims. Plus, he has an arrest record an we’ve gone on far less.
Gus: Well, how do you plan on apprehending him? It’s not like we have guns.
Shawn: No, but I have this.
Shawn pulls out a small hammer.
Gus: What are you going to do? Check his reflexes?
Shawn: It was the only weapon-like thing you had in the car.
Gus: Well, you better do something because we’re not being very discrete.
Shawn: You’re indiscrete.
Emcee: And he’s one of the kindest, most generous souls we’ve ever come across.
Shawn grabs the microphone from the emcee.
Shawn: I have a different kind of story about Fitz. Do you mind, Donny?
Emcee: My name’s Greg.
Shawn: One of illness, both mental and physical, and unrelenting greed. On the outside, he may look warm, kind, and like the coach from White Shadow, but on the inside is a cold, dark soul capable of taking the lives of others in order to save his own.
Gus notices the program on one of the tables, and learns that the man they thought to be Fitz Gurley is actually Klaus Munson.
Shawn: I’m afraid, members of the Joba Society, that your Fitzy…
Shawn: Is a cold blooded murderer.
Gus runs to the stage, and whispers to Shawn.
Gus: That’s not Fitzy.
Shawn: Who’s Fitzy.
Shawn points to an old, frail guy sitting on a wheelchair. Shawn and Gus return to SBPD.
Henry: You embarrassed a well-respected, not to mention seriously ill member of our society, Shawn, at his own award ceremony.
Shawn: Who had an arrest record.
Henry: It involved a peaceful protest in the ‘60s.
Shawn: That was not specified in the Google info I received.
Lassiter: Plus the fact that you lied to us.
Shawn: It was a lie of omission, Lassie, there’s a difference. Come on. We made a mistake.
Shawn: You’re right. Gus made a mistake. Look. It doesn’t make any sense to dwell on mistakes when there’s a murder on the loose. You don’t hear me bringing up Declan’s erroneous profile that resulted in Lassiter scaring the crap out of an innocent woman.
Declan: I appreciate that.
Chief: All right, listen up, we got a big break. We just had a man who came forward who claims to have witnessed a stranger switching Lucy Friedman’s insect repellent last night.
Shawn: Let me guess.
Shawn remembers the homeless guy at the park.
Shawn: He was homeless.
Chief: Yes, well done. He just sat with our sketch artist, and I believe we have the first look at our suspect.
Chief Vick shows them a sketch of a woman.
Jules: That kind of looks like Catherine Bicks.
Lassiter: Damn it. We had her.
Chief: You had her, and you just walked away without any further questions?
Lassiter: I pulled my gun on her.
Jules: She had a stamped passport that said she’d been out of the country for two weeks.
Chief: Clearly, it was a phony. No wonder she refused police protection. Come on, people. That was good work, Declan.
Delcan: Thank you. Thank you, Chief.
Jules: Yes. Good work, Declan. We never should have doubted you.
Shawn watches as Jules and Declan secretly hold hands.
Shawn is on the phone in front of Catherine Bicks’ house.
Shawn: No, it is. It’s going to be a blast and white. Okay. Look forward to seeing you, too, Gina. Bye-bye.
Gus: You did not just invite crazy Gina Rapach back to that wedding?
Shawn: Look, dude, I didn’t have a choice. The last girls I asked are either out of the country, recently married, or wanted for poisoning people.
Gus: When was the last time you even spoke to her?
Shawn: Mmm-mmm. I guess the night I was shot.
Gus: Gina is not the kind of girl to be messing with, Shawn. She is obsessed with you.
Shawn: Would you relax? It’s fine. She knows we’re only friends. It’s a one-off.
Gina was is jogging with her friend, and had just hung up the phone.
Gina: He’s going to marry me.
Detectives Lassiter and O’Hara step out of Catherine Bicks’ house.
Gus: Any luck.
Jules: No, looks like she took off about an hour ago.
Lassiter: She could be halfway to China by now.
Shawn: That puts her somewhere outside of Vegas.
Declan: Mmm, I’m betting she’s still close by.
Jules: Why is that?
Declan: This isn’t a person driven by fear or any emotion for that matter. I strongly suspect she’s suffering from a major depersonalization disorder.
Shawn: Where have I heard that term before?
Shawn: No. Depersonalization thing.
Declan: It’s a disorder characterized by feeling detached from one’s own mental or emotional process. Catherine’s currently going through the motions of life without actually experiencing them.
Flashback ensues. Shawn is playing mini golf at the Psych office while listening to an audio book.
Narrator: Chase suffers from Depersonalization Disorder characterized by feeling detached from one’s mental or emotional process. He’s currently going through the motions of life without experiencing them. It’s as if he were a character in a movie.
Declan: It’s as if she were a character in a movie. Therefore, I anticipate her next move to be more logical than emotional.
Shawn: Do you, Declan?
Detective O’Hara’s phone rings, and answers it.
Jules: You got it.
Detective O’Hara hangs up the phone.
Jules: Chief wants us to regroup back at the station at 4 o’clock.
Lassiter: All right. Let’s break till then.
Declan: Great. See you guys there.
Shawn: Not if we see you first, buddy.
Gus: What do you got?
Shawn: Three things. One, I’m not the only closet chick-lit lover around here. Two, Declan’s a complete fraud. And “H,” he may just be our murderer.
Shawn and Gus are in the car following Declan.
Shawn: While you were annoyingly talking to Kim for the 9th time today. I was on the phone with Harvard who said that there is no record of Declan going there.
Gus: So the guy lied on his resume. If that makes someone a killer, then you’re Ted Bundy.
Shawn: Look, Gus, this isn’t about me or the fact that I wasn’t really a background dancer in the Thriller video. This is about Declan, a crazy serial killer who targeted the people on that list because he knew someone else would look guilty. This guy is pretending to be a criminal profiler so that he can steer us in that direction.
Gus: But you were the one who figured out they were all in need of a liver.
Shawn: Oh, now you want to admit that. Declan had the same information that I did. He just let me get there first. I know this man because he also listened to Internity.
Gus: Or read.
Shawn: I just said he didn’t go to Harvard, Gus.
Gus: I don’t know, Shawn, maybe you have a thing against profilers.
Shawn: He’s guilty. All right? And for the record, Lassie agrees.
Gus: Why would you consult Lassie?
Shawn: Because unlike you and Jules, he’s not smitten with this guy.
Gus: I’m not smitten.
Shawn: You’re Jimmy Smitten. Trust me, Gus. Everything you think you know about this guy is a lie.
Declan enters a mansion.
Shawn: Where the heck is he going?
Shawn and Gus sneak inside the mansion.
Gus: Once again, we’re on the verge of trying to apprehend a potential killer without a weapon.
Shawn: Don’t worry. I came prepared this time.
Declan hears Shawn and Gus bickering. He opens the front door to find Shawn holding a steak fork.
Shawn: Hello, Declan.
Declan: Hey, guys. Welcome to the barbeque I didn’t know I was throwing. Come on in.
Gus: Sweet place.
Shawn: Whose is it, Declan? If Declan’s even your real name. If it’s not, by the way, you made a ridiculous choice.
Declan: It’s mine.
Shawn: Right. Did you pay for it with all your profiler money/
Gus: I think he’s telling the truth, Shawn.
Shawn: Come on, Gus.
Gus was looking at the huge portrait of Declan hanging over the fireplace.
Shawn: What about this place could possibly make you say that? Other than the giant portrait of him hanging on the wall behind me now. Holy crap, you’re rich, huh?
Declan: Filthy, actually. Sorry, that’s a crass way of putting it. I’m seriously loaded.
Gus: That painting kind of makes you look like John Stamos.
Declan: Thank you. When do you plan on dropping that grill fork?
Shawn: As soon as you agree to tell us your real story.
Declan: Fair enough. Walk with me, Gentlemen. So about six years ago, I was running a small hedge fund, and I just decided to make a bunch of bets against the housing market. A few months later, bam, they’re backing a truck up to my house.
Curt Smith from Tears for Fears is by the swimming pool playing a guitar and singing.
Curt: Everybody wants to rule the…
Shawn: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!
Shawn: Why is there a man who looks exactly like Curt Smith from Tears for Fears playing an acoustic set next to that tree and your swimming pool?
Declan: I’m sorry. I should have introduced you. Curt, meet Shawn and Gus.
Curt: Afternoon, gentlemen.
Shawn: Oh, dear God, it’s you. The real you. The fleshy you. I love you. Do you have any idea how much I love you?
Curt: I think I do now.
Declan: Yeah, I flew Curt in to play a party I was throwing this past weekend, but he just decided to stay a few extra days because we really hit it off, and he’s paying me. Yeah, but it’s mostly because we enjoy hanging, right?
Curt: It’s been a ball of fun. You are paying me, right?
Curt: Well, because, uh…
Declan: Mad World. Mad World.
Curt Smith begins performing Mad World.
Curt: All around me are familiar…
Declan: I was saying it gets a little lonely around here. Anyway, so there I was in my late 30s, never having to worry about money again, so I decided to pursue a childhood dream.
Shawn: Criminal profiler?
Declan: No. Sushi chef. But the whole seven year thing, it was just too much. So then I thought how cool would it be to solve crime all day? And I knew all the stuff about psychology because my dad used to be a therapist.
Gus: Sounds familiar.
Declan: So I fudged a few qualifications and I gave it a shot, and it turns out I have a gift.
Curt Smith starts playing a new tune.
Curt: He had a gift for…
Declan: Curt, please, what did I say about going off book?
Curt Smith reluctantly returns to singing Mad World.
Curt: And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad…
Declan: Listen, you guys aren’t going to tell Chief Vick, are you?
Shawn: No, but you better damn well tell Juliet. She’s into you.
Declan: Cool, yeah, I’m into her. She’s awesome, but if I tell her, my career could be over and what would I have left?
Gus: Millions and millions of dollars.
Shawn: What’s your plan exactly? Just keep dating Juliet and keep the fact that you’re a complete phony a secret?
Gus: Isn’t that your plan?
Shawn: We’re not talking about me now.
Declan: I really hadn’t thought it out that far.
Shawn: Let me help you out. She’s not the kind of girl you mess with, all right? She’s the real deal. You either tell her you’re a fake criminal profiler or I will.
Declan: You do that then I’ll be forced to tell her you’re not a real psychic.
Shawn looks at Curt.
Shawn: A dramatic pause, really? Come on, Curt. That’s beneath you, man. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Declan: Oh, come on, Shawn, I’ve been onto you since the beginning. Don’t forget we read the same books.
Curt Smith sings a new song.
Curt: They have the same taste in…
Declan: Curt, for Christ’s sake, I say one thing, you do the other.
Shawn: Don’t sweat it. I still love you.
Curt: Could you just stop saying you love me?
Shawn: Done. And done. I do, though. Love you, that is.
Shawn: what? I love Curt Smith, and I don’t care who knows. I will sing it from the rooftops, Gus.
Curt Smith returns to singing “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”.
Curt: Everybody wants to rule the world…
Shawn and Gus speak to Henry.
Shawn: Dad, you’ve got to fire this guy. He is a fraud.
Henry: So are you.
Shawn: Yeah, but I’m a productive one.
Henry: So is he.
Gus: And he knows Tears for Fears.
Shawn: Half. He knows half of Tears for Fears. The half that I love. The half that I would do anything…
Henry: All right, look, Shawn, I can’t just fire him. There are no legal requirements one needs to call themselves a criminal profiler.
Shawn: Look, Dad, if this was about lighting a fire under me, it worked. Okay?
Henry: He gets results. Now why don’t you quit complaining to me, get your ass out there, like Declan, and start tracking down our murderer.
Shawn: You’re loving this, aren’t you?
Detective O’Hara barges in Henry’s office.
Jules: They just spotted Catherine Bicks walking through a parking garage.
The team rush over to the parking garage only to find Catheine Bicks lying on her blood, squatting beside her is Declan.
Lassiter: You were right, Spencer. Declan Rand, you’re under arrest for the murder of Catherine Bicks.
Detective Lassiter enters the SBPD station with the handcuffed Declan.
Lassiter: You! Take this joker down to Interrogation Room A.
Declan tries to make eye contact with Jules, but she looks away.
Shawn: Yup, I always knew he was a no good murderer.
Gus: Shawn, you know very well he didn’t do it.
Shawn: Fine. I was wrong. Probably. Best kind of wrong. The kind that makes you feel good about yourself. What, Gus? What do you want me to do?
Gus: Help prove his innocence.
Shawn: All right. Starting Sunday after the wedding.
Shawn: Okay. Lassie.
Shawn: Before you start your legally questionable interrogation techniques, may we have five minutes with Declan?
Lassiter: All right, you got five minutes, but then you tell him I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me.
Shawn: All right, Wyatt.
Shawn and Gus enter the interrogation room were Declan is waiting.
Declan: Guys, I’m so glad you’re here. Will you do me a huge favor? Will you check in on Curt and make sure he isn’t throwing a bender? Because I think he and that dude from Crowded House, I think they’re plotting something.
Shawn: Neil Finn? There’s no way we’re missing that.
Gus: What happened in that garage?
Declan: I don’t know. I heard on the police radio Catherine was spotted there, and I wanted to be there first to show you up a little, and then I arrived to find her laying dead. But why would the police think I was the murderer?
Shawn: Hmm. That is not important right now. Do you have any idea who else it may have been?
Declan: I wish. There’s no pattern to the murders anymore. The first three were poisoned, and Catherine died from a blow to the head.
Gus: Yeah, that’s weird.
Declan: Yeah, and get this Catherine almost appeared healthier than she did when we first saw her. You know, minus the whole dead thing.
Shawn remembers Catherine’s face when they first met her, and remembers seeing dark circles under her eyes.
Shawn: I got something.
Declan: Oh, come on, Shawn, it’s just us. There’s no need for this anymore.
Shawn: Seriously? You’re challenging me right now? I’m trying to help you.
Declan: I just thought it was ridiculous.
Shawn: So is your face.
Declan: Right, sorry. What you got?
Shawn: Stay tuned. Come on, Gus, let’s go have a conversation with our favorite weirdo.
Shawn and Gus pay a visit to Woody.
Woody: I don’t know how you do it, Shawn, but you were spot on.
Gus: About what?
Woody: A lot of things. My wife, for example, wasn’t just friends with that college freshman, and Catherine here wasn’t suffering from cirrhosis of the liver. In fact, prior to the head trauma that ended her life, she was the model of health.
Shawn: She applied makeup under her eyes the day that we saw her in order to appear sick.
Woody: Same reason a middle-aged woman sleeps with the star lacrosse player.
Shawn: Those are completely unrelated, Woody.
Gus: And better yet, why would she want to get on the list for a new liver when hers was perfectly healthy?
Woody: How’d she get on it is a better question. There’s an intense screening process one has to go through. There is no way someone that healthy would get that far.
Shawn: Woody, is she a lefty or righty?
Woody: Oh, well, definitely a righty. Muscles in that arm are much more developed.
Shawn remembers the picture of a young girl holding a softball with her left hand.
Shawn: It wasn’t Catherine in the photo. Who uses the parking garage where she was killed?
Gus: An apartment complex. Why?
Shawn: I’ll tell you on the way. You’re wife’s also sleeping with her personal trainer.
Woody: Yeah, it’s okay. I approved that one.
The team goes to the apartment complex.
Shawn: I’m sensing the killer’s in Apartment 5.
Lassiter: You positive about this?
Detective Lassiter knocks on the door.
Lassiter: Open up! You better be right about this, Spencer.
Detective Lassiter kicks the front door open. They find someone sitting on a chair.
Lassiter: Put your hands up. Put your hands in the air. Put them up!
The woman complies. She swivels her chair.
Lassiter: What the hell is going on?
Shawn: Not Catherine. This is Maddy.
Jules: Her sister.
Shawn: Exactly. See, Maddy is the one with the severe liver problems, but she can’t qualify for a transplant list on account of her alcoholism.
Maddy: I’m not an alcoholic.
Shawn: Clearly. My apologies.
Gus: So she and Catherine hatched a plan.
Shawn: Maddy took her sister’s ID to a doctor so she could get put on the list
Gus: As Catherine. Now, all she had to do was wait for her number to be called and her life would be saved.
Shawn: But Maddy was getting sicker and more impatient when Catherine left the country she decided to start killing people on the list above her so that she could move up.
Maddy: They had all lived long lives.
Gus: Not the most sympathetic defense.
Shawn: Catherine got home, found out what she was doing, she confronted you in that parking garage.
Catherine: You have got to go to the cops.
Maddy: We are not going to the cops, and if you think we are…
Catherine: You’re so selfish!
Maddy: I will not let you!
Maddy pushed her sister so hard that Catherine hit her head on the column.
Shawn: And in a rage, you pushed her down. She banged her head. She died.
Maddy: I don’t know what happened.
Shawn: You pushed her down, she banged her head…
Gus: Shawn. A common side effect of severe liver failure is psychosis. She probably doesn’t even know what she’s doing.
Back at the police station…
Declan: I owe you a huge, no, I mean, huge, Shawn. And as a token of my appreciation, I’m going to loan out Curt Smith for your buddy’s wedding.
Shawn: What? Don’t play with me.
Declan: Fair warning, though, he’s an angry drunk. I mean who throws a keytar into a jacuzzi?
Shawn: Oh, that’s money.
Declan: Listen. I’ve been thinking about what you were saying about Juliet, and it’s silly for anyone to keep a giant secret about themselves from someone they could potentially fall for, you know?
Shawn: I do, actually.
Declan: So, I’m going to come clean.
Shawn: Really? Because I was thinking about doing the same thing.
Shawn: Yeah, I was thinking maybe it’s time.
Jules: Time for what?
Shawn: Jules. Uh. Here’s the thing. Will you take a walk with me? Can you give us a sec?
Declan: I’m a fraud.
Declan: I don’t have any fancy degrees from Harvard or years of experience as a profiler. I’m just a guy with a little knowledge of psychology and a love for catching bad guys. This whole persona I’m putting on, it’s a complete fake. I just thought it was important to tell you this because you strike me as the kind of person who appreciates honesty.
Jules: Wow. I don’t know what to say.
Declan: Let’s talk about it.
Jules shakes her head and walks away.
Declan: Or not. Well, that didn’t go very well, did it, Shawn?
Shawn is on his phone.
Shawn: Shh. Give me one second, Declan. Just one second here.
Shawn was texting Gina “Something came up. Have to cancel.”
Shawn: Done. This is actually the first time that I’m glad you beat me to the punch. I can’t thank you enough, man.
Declan: Well, you’ll get other opportunities to talk to her. Me not so much.
Jules walks back to Declan.
Jules: Listen, Declan, you’re right about one thing. There’s nothing I value more than honesty, and it does really bother me that you would lie like that, but I’m also just blown away that you could be just so forthcoming. Took a lot of guts.
Declan: Should we talk it out over coffee?
Shawn: I don’t think so. No.
Jules: Sure, but if you’re sitting on any other life secrets, now is the time to tell me.
Declan: Okay. I’m really rich.
Jules: Okay. I can deal with that.
Shawn receives a response from Gina that reads “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU”.
Curt Smith is singing at the wedding.
Curt: So glad we almost made it, so…
Curt stops singing to grab a glass of wine from the waiter.
Shawn: Wow. Curt’s really losing it.
Curt resumes singing.
Curt: Blah, blah, blah, blah wants to rule the…world.
Shawn: Gus! There you are. You missed the entire ceremony. Where’s Kim?
Gus: Man, we broke up.
Shawn: What? You’re kidding me? What happened?
Gus: I don’t know. We were out having a nice lunch today when out of nowhere she goes, “It’s like we don’t know each other anymore.”
Shawn: That’s because as of a week ago, you didn’t.
Gus: Man, this sucks. I can’t believe I’m single again.
Shawn: You know who can? Anyone who met you eight days ago.
Gus: How about showing some compassion, Shawn?
Shawn: Absolutely not. That whole thing was absurd. You’re a ridiculous person.
Gus: You’re a ridiculous person. How about that? What’s the latest with Gina? Has she tried to kill you yet for uninviting her to this wedding?
Shawn: No, because I came up with a fix.
Gina: This bffet is so good. Hi, Gus.
Gus: Hello, Gina.
Gus whispers to Shawn.
Gus: You have problems.
Shawn: Help me.
Gina: You’ve got to try the bruschetta, Shawn, seriously.
Shawn: I’d really prefer not to.
Gina: Oh, well, then I’ll be the only one with garlic breath, and it’ll be really gross when we make out later.
Shawn: Yes, it will.
Gina hands her plate to Gus, and starts making out with Shawn.
Curt: He had a gift involving problem solving never backing down…
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Shawn 2.0” episode was written by Bill Callahan. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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