Sunday, December 4, 2011

Viagra Falls – Psych Transcript 5.6

Viagra FallsIn 1990, Henry Spencer speaks with then Chief of Police Herb Wilkins.

Henry: Sir.
Herb: Henry, you screwed up.
Henry: With all due respect, Chief, I got the guy.
Herb: He had a partner.
Henry: And I’ll get him too.
Herb: You’re a detective now. Stakes are higher. I’m not here to ride you. You made a mistake. Own up. Don’t do it next time.
Henry: I’ll work overtime, Sir. I’ll fix this.
Herb: No, you won’t. I gave the case to Peters and Boone.
Henry: I get that. They’re the best we’ve got, but Sir, believe me, I can take…
Herb: You can leave now.
Henry: Yes, Sir. Continue reading...

Present day, Herb Wilkins is running for his life.

Herb: I’ve done business with some shady people in my day, but you two, you just might be the worst of the worst. Okay. You come and get me. I’ll squeeze the coward out of the both of you!

A gunshot is heard.

Shawn, Gus, and Henry are at the marina. Henry is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts.

Shawn: What’s today, casual Friday?
Henry: No, Shawn, it’s my day off. Chief wanted all living bodies on hand. You know who the victim is, don’t you?
Shawn: Santa Barbara’s oldest lobsterman?
Henry: No, Shawn, Herb Wilkins. Best chief this department’s ever had, and my boss for over 20 years.
Shawn: Well, here’s the good news, looks like he lived eight or nine decades before he met his maker.
Henry: I’m going to ask you to be respectful here.
Shawn: I will politely decline. Come on, Dad. I’m kidding. All right, I get it.

An old green convertible honks. Two old guys that resemble Shawn and Gus get out of the car.

Shawn: Who are the old guys?
Henry: Boone and Peters, veterans of the SBPD. Worked under Herb for many, many years. Volunteers these days. These guys are legends.
Shawn: So are leprechauns, but you don’t see them rolling out crime tape.
Henry: You guys wish you had one tenth of the knowledge these guys currently have.

Boone and Peters approach Henry.

Henry: Hey, buddy.
Peters: Henry.

Boone and Peters shake Henry’s hand.

Henry: Good to see you.
Peters: Right here.
Henry: Thank you.
Boone: Yeah.

Boone and Peters walks past Shawn and Gus without acknowledging them.

Shawn: Oh, come on, Dad, these guys are retired. The only thing they do now is keep minors from doing whip-its at the 7-Eleven.
Henry: These guys knew Herb better than anyone on the planet. Quit being a wiseass. You two might learn something here.
Shawn: The only thing I’m going to learn from those two is what time the HomeTown Buffet closes.
Gus: It closes at eight.

Shawn gives Gus a disgusted look.

Gus: What? It closes at 8:00, Shawn.

Police gather around the docked boat that holds the dead body of Herb Wilkins. The corpse is at the back of the boat sitting on a chair.

Chief: As many of you now know, the deceased is Herb Wilkins. He was SBPD’s Police Chief for 20 years, and we don’t know what this is yet, but Herb’s legacy is to be protected.

Shawn eyes the wrist of the corpse. Gus whispers to Shawn.

Gus: Looks like the poor guy offed himself.
Shawn: He definitely did not off himself.

Shawn makes a show.

Shawn: I’m having a clear vision on a cloudy day. Herb Wilkins did not…

Peters jumps aboard the boat.

Peters: Kill himself.

Shawn: Thank you, Mr. Peters, is it? If it’s all right with you, I’d like to continue. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the psychic detective for the…
Boone: Psychic? Son, we don’t mess with the devil. Now you better ride that goat with someone else.
Shawn: The devil? Really? All right, well, how else would I know that he…
Peters: Was wrapped up in duct tape? Which explains why he’s missing hair on his wrist.
Shawn: Sir, I’m doing my best to respect your legacy and your wisdom, the many world and civil wars that you have both seen and perhaps fought in…
Boone: And Herb was not killed on this boat.
Shawn: Chief, I can tell you definitively, Herb did not die on this boat.
Gus: Nope. Not on this boat. Nowhere near this boat.
Shawn: He was killed at another location, TBS.

Gus whispers to Shawn.

Gus: It’s TBD, Shawn.
Shawn: What’s TBS?
Gus: The Superstation.
Shawn: Is it really, though?
Gus: This is embarrassing.

Shawn resumes making a show.

Shawn: It’s fine. He hasn’t said anything. I didn’t already know. My theory will be proven correct after a quick inspection of Herb’s gun.

Peters pulls up Herb’s gun.

Shawn and Gus board the boat.

Peters: One problem there, Ricky Nelson, this is not Herb’s gun.
Shawn: And you know that how?
Peters: Because Herb went to bed every night with his favorite six-shooter.
Boone: And he named it Darla Saidman.
Gus: His gun was Jewish?
Boone: And Herb wouldn’t be caught having an affair with a Beretta.

Lassiter whispers to Jules.

Lassiter: You know I never named by gun. How about Mr. Thunderstick?
Peters: This Beretta was placed on the deck by the killer.
Boone: And the serial number’s filed off.
Peters: Which makes it untraceable.

Henry whispers to Chief Karen Vicks.

Henry: See what I’m talking about?
Chief: It’s a nice suggestion, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: Nah, I haven’t done anything yet, Chief.
Chief: No. I was speaking of your father suggesting that we bring down Peters and Boone.
Shawn: All right, listen up, folks! I will find this cop killer.
Peters: Wrong again, Rick. Herb was carried on this boat, one person under the arms, one person on the feet, which mean we are looking for two cop killers.

Gus and Shawn are at the SBPD station.

Shawn: So, once upon a time they were good cops. I have a gift, Gus, and you have me. Besides we’re both young and viral.
Gus: It’s virile, Shawn.
Shawn: The point is it’s a couple of old tortoises versus two young swift hares.
Gus: The tortoise won the race.
Shawn: Only because he was tired.
Gus: That makes no sense, Shawn.
Shawn: I think we should relax, take a load off, have some of my dad’s yum treats, and talk about why Meshach Taylor came back for Mannqeuin 2 when everyone else said no.
Chief: I want all teams in my office.

Peters, Boone, and Henry make their way to Chief’s office.

Shawn: No, no, no, Dad. Peters and Boone again?
Henry: I’ve officially brought them on as consultants for the case. Now get in here. The meeting’s starting. Come on. Come on.
Peters: Stay in the background. I’ll try not to embarrass you this time.
Shawn: I can embarrass myself just fine on my own.
Peters: You got that right, Rick.
Sawn: Mr. Peters, Sir, is there something about me that has rubbed you the wrong way? Perhaps my strong hairline or muscular haunches?
Peters: You and your sidekick are untrained pests. Floyd and I have very little patience with your malarkey, shenanigans or tomfoolery.
Shawn: The big three. Sure.
Chief: Do you mind if I start this meeting?
Shawn: By all means, Chief.
Chief: Okay, now, it’s all hands on deck. No talking to the press. I put a hold on all vacations.
Shawn: And Vacation sequels. I think the Griswolds have been through quite enough.
Chief: And I want to be kept in the loop on every detail on this case.

Gus speaks to Boone.

Gus: What’s up?
Boone: You looking for a handout?
Gus: I’m just being cordial.
Boone: You’re eyeballing my watch.
Gus: It’s a Casio.
Boone: You just proved my point, slick fingers.
Chief: Can we focus please? Okay, what do we have so far?
Lassiter: Well, we’re working on getting access to Herb’s house. We should be able to get in there by late this afternoon. We sent the prints pulled from the crime scene to the lab for processing.
Jules: And we spoke to Herb’s daughter, Caroline. She’s flying in from Boston to make arrangements. They haven’t spoken in years, so, I don’t think she’s going to be much help to the case.

Shawn walks out of the office. Henry follows him.

Henry: What?
Shawn: Do you realize that all Peters and Boone do now is play checkers at the park with other retired cops?
Henry: These guys are still the best. You saw the work they did down at the docks.
Shawn: It’s called luck.
Henry: Shawn, a good cop’s instincts never go away.
Shawn: Look, it is your fault that they are stomping all over my turf with their double-Velcro easy steppers! When a cop retires, he should stay retired.
Henry: What are you saying? That I should never have come out of retirement?

Gus steps out of the Chief’s office too.

Shawn: I am saying that it is time for you to take off the ‘70s goggles and see the world. The entire world has passed those guys by.
Henry: I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way about my coming back to work. Thank you very much.
Shawn: Oh, God.

Peters and Boone step out of the office.

Peters: We’re heading for Herb’s live bait shop. Dig up some clues.

Jules steps out. Boone speaks to her.

Boone: Hey Sweetie when we get back we’re going to need a fresh pot of Joe and a baker’s of glazed.
Jules: For the love of God, Boone, I am a detective.
Boone: Sure you are.
Shawn: We could leave in an hour and still beat them to the dock by four days.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn: Did you know Herb had a live bait shop?
Gus: No, I did not.
Shawn: Damn it.

Shawn and Gus arrive at the dock annoyed to find Peters and Boone already there.

Shawn: I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. This is a tough moment for us, Gus.
Gus: Yes, it is.

Peters and Boone speak to a man by the dock.

Peters: We have friends who saw you having words with Herb.
Man: Well, everyone had words with him. We bought bait at his shop all the time.
Peters: We heard he didn’t look every happy.
Man: Herb was never happy. He was a cranky old man.

Shawn and Gus walk the dock.

Shawn: We should avoid Peters and Boone until we have something juicy.
Gus: Then throw our something juicy in their faces.
Shawn: Like rotten peaches.
Gus: What? Where are we going to get peaches?
Shawn: Mmm-mmm, but I really like that idea.
Gus: Me, too. But I think we should get fresh peaches and eat them instead.
Shawn: Right in front of them.
Gus: Ooh!

Shawn and Gus reach Herb’s Bait and Tackle shop, and finds that the Pacific Treasures gift shop beside it is also closed. Shawn also notices that the door of the Pacific Treasures shop is actually unlocked.

Shawn: How about a churro?

Shawn and Gus approach the churros vendor.

Shawn: Hello, ma’am, my name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner, Imhotep or “He cometh in peace.”
Gus: Go ahead, show her your “Cometh in peace” face.
Shawn: We’d like to ask you a couple of questions about one of your fellow wharf-mates.
Woman: Yeah, I heard about Herb. It’s so sad.
Gus: Did he have any enemies that you know of?
Woman: No, I don’t think so.
Shawn: How about frenemies? Pret-enemies? How about Pal-holes?
Woman: Herb was pretty tough, but everybody respected him.
Shawn: So, you can’t think of anything unusual that was going on?
Woman: There was one thing I found odd. He was spending a lot of quality time with a young girl.
Gus: Is that right?
Shawn: What can you tell us about that little harlot?
Woman: Not much. Uh, long red hair, about 20 years old. I can’t remember her name. Samantha maybe? She works at the Pacific Treasures shop over there.
Shawn: Right over here?
Gus: Thank you. We’ll talk to her.
Woman: You won’t find her there. She hasn’t opened her shop the past few days.
Shawn and Gus: Really? Really.

Shawn and Gus approach Peters and Boone while eating their churros.

Boone: Okay, Randy, now what we’re gonna to play is a little game called damn good chance of you getting shot.
Peters: Tuck the shooter, Floyd.
Boone: Tuck it? This is how I do it, man.
Peters: I know this is how you do it, but this is not the time to do it. How you do it.
Boone; I ain’t tucking her once she’s out.
Peters: Tuck it, Floyd!
Gus: Should we step in?
Shawn: Just a little tiff, Gus. Besides, there’s no bullets in that gun.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: One in six chance.
Gus: Those are the exact odds, Shawn.
Peters: Well, the palm reader, and that guy who looks like a young LaWanda Page decided to join us.
Gus: LaWanda Page? From Sanford and Son?
Boone: You’re damn right. You let that hair grow out and you’ll look just like her.
Shawn: You do have a little LaWanda in the eyes, Gus.
Gus: Shut up, Shawn.
Randy: Can I go now?
Boone: Yeah, you can go. Hey, I’m gonna be watching you.
Peters: Me, too.

Randy walks away.

Shawn: Just for the record, I’m a psychic, not a palm reader.
Boone: What you are is 172 pounds of we don’t give a damn.

Boone pushes Shawn and Gus aside, and walks away.

Shawn: He’s good.
Peters: While you two guys were pussyfooting around, we rounded up a suspect.
Shawn: All right, just to clarify. Gus is the only one who pussyfoots. And in his defense, he has two bum knees and an Achilles’ heel.
Gus: Two Achilles heels.
Shawn: Really? It’s worse than I imagined, and we’re about to drop a humdinger on you, fellows. Turns out old Herb was playing adult ping-pong with a twenty-ish year old girl who works right here on the wharf.
Peters: Maybe they were friends.
Shawn: Would you take the bifocals off, Tom Landry? The man was shot execution style. He was having an affair with a young dame.
Gus: A young dame who didn’t show up to open up her shop in a few days.
Peters: I would think long and hard before I spoke again, Rick.
Boone: And you better think longer and harder and then not say squat.
Gus: That’s a high percentage of thinking to not talking.
Shawn: Oh, looky here, text from Jules. They got the okay to search Herb’s house. They’ll be there in about an hour. So I guess we’ll see you at Herb’s house in about an hour.

Peters and Boone hop in their car.

Peters: See ya!
Shawn: Wouldn’t want to be ya!

Shawn and Gus rush to sneak inside Herb’s house before the police arrives. Shawn imitates Peters.

Shawn: Only forty-five minutes until the search, Floyd.

Gus imitates Boone.

Gus: Good thing, Don. Early bird special just around the corner at Coco’s.

The two find that Peters and Boone once again beat them.

Shawn: Boone, what? You guys can’t do this. No, this was our move. We get here before the police, and we break the rules.
Peters: Hey, we were breaking the rules before they had rules.
Gus: Oh, so you have a copyright on breaking the rules?

Gus picks up a duffel bag.

Peters: We don’t disturb the scene. We do our search, leave no trace. Got it?
Shawn: Yeah, thanks.

Shawn and us observe Peters and Boone’s way of snooping around.

Shawn: Please tell me we don’t look like hat when we do our thing.
Gus: That’s exactly how we look.
Shawn: I think there’s a clue in that fish.
Gus: I think he knows that fish.
Shawn: I think he things the fish has information about Herb’s murder.
Peters: Floyd and I helped Herb catch the walleye, you germs.
Boone: Back in ’82, that man could reel them in like nobody’s business.
Peters: Oh, he sure could, Floyd.

Gus mocks Boone.

Gus: “That man could reel them in like nobody’s business.”

Shawn notices the lottery tickets on Herb’s desk, and a post it with a note “Second Wind” written on it.

Gus pulls out a pair of trunks from the bag.

Shawn: Oh, look at that. You and old Herb have the same swimsuit.
Gus: I wear a full-body Fastskin suit when I swim, Shawn. It increases my speed, endurance and buoyancy.
Shawn: No comment.

Shawn notices that one of the sliding doors is ajar, the rug is folded on the corner, and some cabinets are not fully closed.

Shawn: All right, I’m getting something. A man or men, a woman or women, perhaps pets, possibly feline, unwelcome in this house searching high and possibly low for something that Herb Wilkins, a man of many secrets and potentially lies, was hiding.
Peters: I’m getting sick and tired of you guys accusing Herb of misbehavior.
Boone: I’m feeing like I need my billy club and something to wipe off prints.
Peters: Okay, calm down. Maybe they’re right. But I guarantee you, whatever those perps were looking for, they did not find in this house.
Boone: Hey, Herb was the most careful, thorough man on the planet. If there was something important, something that people were after, there is no way he would have hid it in his home.
Gus: Well, where would he have kept it?

Peters and Boone walk away to speak among themselves.

Peters: All right, do you remember back in the old days, when we had really, really special evidence we kept it in a secret locker?
Boone: No.
Peters: Well, I’ll bet you whatever those perps were looking or is in Herb’s locker.
Shawn: Can we be heard that clearly?
Gus: I sure hope not.

Boone and Peters shake hands, and leave. Shawn and Gus laugh.

Shawn: Why do they shake hands like that?
Gus: I do not know.
Shawn: That’s so ridiculous.

Shawn and Gus bump fists.

Shawn: What!

Shawn notices a plaque up on Herb’s wall. “Santa Barbara Aquatic Center” is written on it.

Shawn: I know where Herb’s locker is.
Gus: Dud, you didn’t see their car right there?
Shawn: It clearly blends in with the landscaping, Gus…

Detectives O’Hara and Lassiter arrive.

Shawn: Shhh! Just act naturally.
Jules: You guys going to conduct the search with us?
Gus: Oh, I don’t know.
Shawn: We’re thinking about it.
Boone: Later.
Peters: Be right behind you.

Peters addresses Shawn and Gus.

Peters: I am telling you guys, do not follow us.
Shawn: We don’t need to follow you. I already know where Herb’s super shady suspicious locker is, because of this.

Shawn points to his temple.

Boone throws one of his shoe at Shawn and Gus.

Shawn: Did you just throw a loafer at me?
Gus: It was a Magnanni slip-on.
Shawn: What?
Gus: What? I know my loafers, Shawn, and I won’t apologize for it.
Peters: Floyd, I think you’re gonna need your shoe.

Shawn and Gus are at the locker room of the aquatic center. Peters and Boone are also there. Boone is breaking the lock of one of the lockers.

Peters: It’s not number nine, Floyd.
Boone: This is lucky number nine.
Peters: Isn’t that your lucky number?
Boone: No, that’s my favorite number.
Peters: You have a favorite number and a lucky number?
Boone: I don’t want to get into this with you right now, Don.
Shawn: Do we sound like that?
Gus: That’s exactly what we sound like.

Boone opens the locker. Peters inspects the wallet inside it.

Peters: Louis Shavarino. I told you it wasn’t number nine.
Boone: Man, you didn’t tell me nothing.
Shawn: Guys, would you like a little help from the palm reader?
Peters: We got it under control, Rick.
Gus: Looks like all Boone has is some baby powder and a bag of pretzels.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, I think we can use that. What kind of pretzels are those?
Boone: Snyder’s of Hanover. You get anything out of that?
Shawn: Yes. The hungries.
Boone: You can’t have these.

Shawn notices locker 022, and remembers that 22 is all over Herb’s lottery tickets.

Shawn: Gentlemen, I believe we are looking for lucky locker number 22.
Peters: Floyed will break into it.
Shawn: No, no, it’s all right. Gus can do it.
Boone: Oh, go ahead. Be proud. You can crack locks and steal things. Typical.
Gus: For your information, I used to have an online subscription to Safe Cracking magazine.
Boone: Hey, hey, hey, you disappoint me, Son.
Shawn: All right, look. I say this with great respect for Herb’s legacy, but let’s just recap, shall we. His house was burgled, he was shot execution style, he’s canoodling with some young vixen, and now we believe he’s throwing evidence in his secret locker. Is it at least possible he was living a double life?
Peters and Boone: No.

Gus successfully cracks the lock.

Shawn: Nice!

Shawn notices white stuff on the duffel bag inside the locker. He opens it, and finds drugs.

Shawn: Oh boy.

Back at the police station…

Shawn: There’s simply no easy way to say this. Though I don’t anticipate it being difficult to say. Herb Wilkins was the oldest drug kingpin in the history of the world.
Gus: Actually, Shawn, the oldsest drug kingpin is a guy named Armando…
Shawn: I can’t do this with you right now.
Peters: Maybe he was still working undercover.
Boone: Yeah. The great cops never truly retire.
Henry: These drugs are still circumstantial.
Chief: Agreed. But this is all starting to paint a worrisome picture.
Jules: I just got confirmation that Herb withdrew fifty thousand dollars from his saving account three days ago in cash.
Lassiter: Presumably to buy this surplus of nose candy.
Jules: Evidence points to a drug hit.
Chief: This is bad. This is really bad.
Henry: All right, guys, look, this is not the man we knew. You guys just do what you do best. Let’s get to the bottom of this. We owe it to Herb, huh?

Peters filches one of the evidences.

Jules: Detective, we know that you are hurting right now so if you need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.
Boone: You really mean that?
Jules: I do.
Boone: You mind picking up my duds? They’ll be ready at five sharp.
Jules: No, but I’ll pick your teeth up off the floor if you ask me that again. What could he possibly need dry-cleaned?
Shawn: Those crafty old devils. They swiped a book of matches from evidence.

Shawn looks out the window to find Peters and Boone rushing to their car. Peters even slides over the hood of the car.

Shawn: Let’s tail them.
Gus: How is it these guys beat us everywhere we go, but always drive as if we’re in a school zone?
Shawn: It’s like we’re following Richard Farnsworth in The Straight Story.
Gus: Except lawnmowers don’t have turn signals.
Shawn: What are they doing?

Peters and Boone stop in the middle of the road, and step out of their car.

Shawn: Roll them up.
Peters: It is in your best interest to stay away from us.

Shawn cracks a window.

Shawn: We’re on this case, too.
Boone: You’re just trying to take Herb’s good name.
Gus: We’re trying to catch a killer, same as you.
Boone: Same as me? Don’t you ever use the word, “same” and “me” and “you” in the same sentence again.
Gus: I didn’t put me in, it was just “same” and “you.”
Shawn: Look, I know you swiped the matchbook from evidence.
Peters: So?
Shawn: So, we were gonna do that. Just let us in on the lead.
Peters: You guys just don’t know when to quit, do you?
Shawn: No, Gus and I never know when to throw in the towel.
Gus: We’re ready for the next round.
Shawn: Ring the bell.
Gus: Ding. Ding.

Boone threatens Gus.

Shawn: Boone, relax. We don’t care what Herb was up to. Put our differences aside and work together on this. Okay? Between the four of us, we’ve got what? Over three hundred years of crime fighting under our belts. What do you say? We’re the apples. You’re the oranges.
Peters: We got to be the same fruit.
Shawn: Oh, that feels reasonable. So much that it’s fair, actually. How about grapples?

Peters looks at Boone.

Boone: I do love a good grapple, Don.

Peters and Boone shake hands.

Peters: Okay, it’s a deal. We’re the grapples.

Boone shows them the matchbook.

Gus: The Dollhouse?
Shawn: What’s a guy in his seventies doing visiting a nightclub that we can’t even get into?
Peters: Exactly.
Gus: Well, what are we waiting for?
Boone: Nighttime. When the place is actually open.
Gus: Ah.
Peters: The Dollhouse, nine o’clock. See ya!

Shawn imitates Peters.

Shawn: The good news is I got plenty of time to change into my club clothes, Floyd.

Gus imitates Boone.

Gus: You don’t have club clothes, Don.
Shawn: Exactly.

Gus and Shawn bump fists.

Gus: What!

Shawn and Gus arrive at The Dollhouse.

Shawn: Well, look at that. We beat Peters and Boone to the punch and it feels good.
Gus: Yeah, it does. Guess that means we got some time to kill.

Shawn and Gus dance.

Shawn: Oh, my God.

Shawn sees silhouettes of Peter and Boone watching a woman dance.

Gus: I really hope Boone doesn’t take out his gun on her.
Peters: We were right.
Boone: Yeah. Herb was in here several times with a hot young thing named Saralyn.
Peters: Her co-dancer said that Saralyn likes to hustle cash.
Shawn: I’m getting something.

Shawn remembers how the churros vendor described Saralyn.

Flashback ensues.

Woman: Long red hair, about 20 years old. She works at the Pacific Treasure shop over there.

Shawn: Saralyn was young, a young redhead.
Boone: How’d you do that?
Shawn: I’m also sensing she didn’t show up to any of her shifts this week.
Gus: I bet she’s the same girl that works at the Pacific Treasures shop at the wharf.
Boone: That’s right. See, that’s why Herb took fifty grand out of his account. He was being seduced and swindled by some young hussy.
Gus: But what about the bag of cocaine we found in Herb’s locker?
Shawn: He was probably dealing dope on the side. That’s why he had such a fat bank account.
Boone: No, no, no, no. You just hold on. We agreed to work with you two not more than two hours ago. Don’t make me take my shoe off again.
Shawn: Whoa, Floyd, you have to relax, man. You can’t be whipping shoes at people.

Shawn’s phone starts to ring.

Shawn: It’s Jules. I got to take this.

Shawn answers his phone.

Shawn: Give me the good stuff.
Jules: we got a match on the prints we took from Herb’s boat. They’re from a guy named Otto Derzius. A suspected drug dealer we’ve been keeping tabs on.
Shawn: All right, well, did you arrest him yet?
Jules: No, we’re on our way to get him. He owns a nightclub called The Dollhouse. You ever heard of it.
Shawn: No.
Jules: Shawn, where are you right now?
Shawn: Library.
Jules: Then what is that thumping noise?
Shawn: I don’t know what that is. It must be some sort of rush at the book drop.
Jules: Shawn, I know that you are at that club. Do not talk to Otto and do not search his office. That is an order, and pass it along to Peters and Boone.
Shawn: Copy.

Jules hangs up.

Shawn: Guys! Otto’s a big time drug dealer.
Gus, Peters, and Boone: What?!
Shawn: Otto, big time drug dealer.
Gus, Peters, and Boone: Who’s Otto?
Shawn: He’s the guy that runs this club.
Boone: Hey, I bet Saralyn and this Otto scumbag are a team.
Peters: Yeah. They swindled Herb and then killed him.
Shawn: Listen, the cops are on their way down here. We’ve been given strict orders not to talk to Otto or search his office.
Boone: We don’t want to wait around for that.
Shawn: Neither can we.

Shawn, Gus, Peter and Boone wait at the bar watching one of the bouncers.

Shawn: Dude, that guy looks like a Billy Zane action figure.
Gus: Yeah, he does.
Shawn: Wonder how much he costs.
Gus: He’s a grown ass man, Shawn, I doubt he’s for sale.
Shawn: Shouldn’t we at least ask?
Gus: Yeah.
Peters: We’re going to do a thing from the old days called bark and mark.
Gus: What’s a bark and mark?
Boone: For starters you two stand here barking like yappy dogs.
Shawn: That’s ridiculous. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna start a grease fire in the men’s bathroom.
Peters: Are you out of your mind?
Gus: How about we just go outside and find an open window?

Shawn, Peters, and Boone crawl inside the window. Gus hops inside and falls on the floor. They search the office.

Gus: Check this out.

Gus pulls up a gun.

Gus: The serial number on this gun has been filed off.
Peters: Just like the gun on the boat.

Shawn goes through a folder in the filing cabinet, and finds a sheet with “Second Wind” as its title. He remembers the title as the same one on Herb’s post it note. Peters opens the closet.

Peters: Well, what do we have here?
Boone: That’s the same type of bag we saw in Herb’s locker. We better find out where Otto is.
Gus: Dude, dude!
Shawn: What?

Gus grabs a beanie.

Gus: Check this out.

Gus puts on the beanie.

Gus: What!
Shawn: It looks good. It looks really good.

There’s a loud banging. Otto and his bouncer attack Peters and Boone.

Shawn: Hey! Hey!

Boone pulls out his gun, and the goons run away.

Shawn: You guys all right?
Peters: What are you waiting for? Come on, go get them!
Gus: Fine.

Shawn and Gus run after Otto and his bouncer.

Shawn: Part of me hopes we don’t catch up with Otto.
Gus: All of me hopes we don’t catch up with Otto.
Shawn: Ow! I pulled a hammy.
Gus: You’re just saying that because you don’t want to catch Otto.
Shawn: Dude, we’re barely jogging we have no chance in hell of catching Otto.

Gus exclaims.

Gus: I just pulled my hammy!

Shawn: You can’t use a fake hammy pull immediately after calling me out for using it.
Gus: No, I really pulled my ham…

Gunshots are heard. Gus jumps on the ground, while shawn hides behind a rail post.

Shawn: Talk to me, Gus!
Gus: I’m okay!
Shawn: All right.

Shawn and Gus approach the alley, and finds Otto dead on the ground.

Shawn: Well, we caught up to Otto.

Shawn and Gus, and Peters and Boone are in Chief Vick’s office.

Chief: The four of you are like an incompetence machine. You were given specific orders and you did the exact opposite.
Shawn: Chief, may I say something on behalf of myself and a teeny bit of Gus?
Henry: No.
Shawn: The psychic realm takes orders from no one, Chief. When I feel, I must act and sometimes that requires bending…over. You’re right. Carry on.
Chief: Otto Derzius. He was our prime suspect. He’s not much good to us now. And let me get this straight, you broke into Otto’s office and what did you get? Hmm? Mr. Guster, tell me, what did you get?
Gus: Nothing, Chief. We got a whole lot of nothing.
Chief: That’s right. Nothing. What about you, Mr. Boone? What did you get?

Boone puts on the table a bunch of papers.

Chief: Menus. Well done.
Peters: What did I tell you about the menus, Floyd?
Boone: Well, you know there are some new takeout places…
Peters: There’s a time and a place for snatching menus.
Boone: Oh, come on, man, you’re saying a man doesn’t have to eat?
Peters: No, I’m not saying we don’t need to eat.
Chief: Excuse me. You’re both fired. You’re off this investigation.
Shawn: Them’s the breaks. Sometimes you got to make the tough decisions.
Chief: Oh, you’re fired, too, Spencer. You’re all off this case.
Shawn and Gus: What?
Shawn: No. That’s…

Shawn, Gus, Peters and Boone step out of the office. Henry follows them out.

Chief: Henry? You stay.

Shawn: You know I’ve been fired from many jobs, Gus, many jobs.
Gus: Well, I haven’t.
Shawn: Most of them sat surprisingly well with me, but not this one. I repeat this one is not sitting well. We can still solve this case.
Gus: Oh no we can’t.
Shawn: By we, I mean us. By us, I mean them, because us plus them equals we.
Gus: Shawn, you need to just shut it down.
Shawn: No, we need to start it up. We need to reunite with Peters and Boone. Bring this baby home. You know what? I think we underestimated those guys.
Gus: Did you not see the handful of menus in Boone’s hand?
Shawn: Gus, we’ve been watching these old geezers from the start.
Gus: So?
Shawn: You know damn well he took more than just menus. Those guys are crafty. Boone is wily.
Gus: Wait a second. Just like the matchbooks.
Shawn: Exactly.
Gus: We need to find themnow.
Shawn: and by we you mean us and by us you mean them. It makes sense, Gus. You can’t think of it like numbers.

Shawn and Gus run to Boone and Peters at the park where the two are playing checkers.

Shawn: All right, listen up. We’ve had our differences in the past, but we’ve learned two very valuable lessons from you guys. One, it is never too early to start trimming our eyebrows. And two, good cop instincts never die.
Gus: And one thing I know for sure about you, Boone, is that you take one thing and give to the chief, like menus, and you take something else that we could actually use to solve this case.
Boone: Not bad, fellows. Take it.

Boone hands Shawn and Gus a book.

Boone: These are all the job applications for the girls at the Dollhouse.
Shawn: I knew it! You still have your good stuff. That means we have Saralyn’s address. Come on, let’s go search her house.
Gus: Let’s track her down.
Shawn: Redeem ourselves.

Shawn and Gus run away, but Peters and Boone just sit.

Shawn: Fellows! Look, I think you guys were right. Saralyn teamed up with Otto, they swindled Herb out of his 50K, and then they killed him.
Gus: And then that vixen killed Otto because she wanted to keep all the money for herself.
Peters: What about the cocaine we found in Herb’s locker?
Gus: Don’t worry about that for now.
Shawn: Come on, let’s do this.
Peters: We can’t. Floyd and I thought we missed the cop’s life, we thought we still had something left in the tank. But we actually believed that we could help you solve Herb’s murder.
Boone: Yeah, having punks smashing me in the knees with wooden bats and people spraying bullets all over the damn place. I’d rather just play my checkers.
Gus: Oh, okay, wait a second, wait a second. You guys are telling me that you want to quit because you got his with a sporting good?

Shawn notices that Saralyn’s emergency contact is Herb Wilkins.

Gus: Well, guess what? So do we.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. What kind of psycho con woman killer puts down her mark as an emergency contact?
Boone: My fourth wife, Maudine.
Shawn: Seriously, nobody else thinks this is weird?
Gus: Oh, no, it’s definitely weird.
Shawn: I don’t think Saralyn killed anybody. Guys, we have to find her. She is the key to this case and we can’t do it alone. We need two rock solid cops by our sides. It’s like I told Gus earlier, you are us and we are you, and you are them.

Shawn points to much older guys playing chess where one has fallen asleep on the board.

Shawn: And they are you and together we are all of it, man. We are al of it, Jack.
Gus: Okay, sometimes he doesn’t make any sense.
Boone: I get what he’s saying.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Thank you, Boone. I’m not asking you to do this for me. God knows I’m not asking you to do it for Gus. Do it for Herb. It’s time the four grapples got back together and cleared his good name.
Boone and Peters: We’re back.
Gus: Sweet.
Shawn: You were never gone.
Gus: Well, they were gone for twenty years.
Shawn: Fellows! Cars are this way.

Shawn, Gus, Peters and Boone knock on the door of a house. A woman opens the door,

Shawn: Hello there. My name is Shawn Spencer. I’m a psychic detective. This is my partner, Control-alt-delete. The gentlemen on the flank are us in thirty years.
Gus: Twenty years.
Boone: Sixty years.
Woman: What do you want?
Peters: We want to talk to you about Saralyn.
Woman: The cops were just here. I told them everything I know.
Shawn, Gus, Peters, and Boone: You’re lying.

Boone points his gun at the woman.

Woman: Okay. Okay. I didn’t tell the cops everything.
Gus: Uh, Boone, maybe you want to relax your trigger finger.
Shawn: Tuck it.
Gus: Now would you be so kind as to let us in so we can ask you a few questions?
Shawn: Thank you.
Peters: How’d you know she was lying?
Shawn: I’m a psychic, Peters.
Gus: How did you know she was lying?
Peters and Boone: She’s a woman.
Peters: Tel us everything you know about Saralyn’s involvement in the murder of Herb Wilkins.
Woman: I sued to walk at the dollhouse with Saralyn, and she said that she needed to make some extra money, so I told her about this job that I was doing for Otto on the side.
Shawn: Pacific Treasures.
Woman: Yeah. Look, all I can tell you is that a bag would appear inside the shop a few times a month, I delivered it to Otto. I didn’t ask any questions, but my only way out of the job was to find a girl to take over for me. Saralyn wanted to do it and it wasn’t supposed to be dangerous.
Boone: You win the worst friend ever award, Sweetie.
Woman: Trust me, I feel terrible.

Shawn remembers their search at Herb’s house. Flashback ensues.

Peters: Floyd and I helped Herb catch that…

Shawn remembers “Second Wind”.

Boone: Now what we’re going to play is a little game called damn god chance of you getting shot.

Shawn remembers seeing “Second Wind” as the name of the boat at the dock while Boone and Peters were interviewing Randy.

Boone: That’s the same type of bag we saw in Herb’s locker.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: It was salt. The drugs came in on a boat called The Double Whammy. No, that’s not, uh, twin keys. Mmm. Second Wind! That’s it. The name of the boat was the Second Wind. The drug lord would dock at the wharf, drop the bag of loot off at Pacific Treasures, and you and Saralyn were mules.

Shawn notices the picture of Saralyn and the woman on the table. He remembers the picture of Herb and his daughter at his house.

Shawn: Wait a second.

Flashback ensues.

Jules: We spoke to Herb’s daughter, Caroline. They haven’t spoken in years.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: Saralyn reminded Herb of his daughter, the one he hadn’t spoken to in years. They even had the same red hair.
Peters: Herb was trying to protect her. That’s why he took the 50Gs out of that account.
Boone: He was trying to buy her freedom.
Gus: What about the bag of coke we found in Herb’s locker?
Peters: Well, when he found out what she was up to, he didn’t want her to make that last delivery. I bet the farm on that.
Boone: That’s the Herb we knew.
Shawn: Did you ever get a look at this drug lord?
Woman: No, he was like a ghost.
Boone: Hey, he wasn’t no ghost. He’s a man. We’re gonna find him, and we’re gonna kill him.
Peters: We’re not gonna kill him, Floyd.
Boone: Don’t be so sure.
Shawn: All right. So what do we got? We got…we got this drug lord and Otto. They…they silenced Herb to protect their operation. Then we bring the heat on Otto, the drug lord cuts him down before he can talk.
Gus: Saralyn’s the last piece of the puzzle.
Peters: Yeah, we got to find out where Saralyn is. Can you help us out there, Jos?
Jos: I wish I could, but she packed a bag a few days ago and took off. It’s so sad. She was so close to a fresh start.

Shawn notices that the bed is made the same way as in Herb’s house.

Jos: She was supposed to graduate from school in a few weeks.
Shawn: Nursing school?
Jos: Yeah.
Shawn: I know where Saralyn’s hiding. Follow us to Herb’s house.

Peters and Boone, and Shawn and Gus knock on Herb’s door.

Peters: Saralyn, we know you’re in there.
Shawn: And we know you didin’t kill anybody. We’re here to help you.
Boone: Hey, you don’t come out this door, we’re gonna come through it.
Shawn: Damn, Gus. They still got it.
Gus: Yeah, they do.

Saralyn opens the door.

Saralyn: Go away. I don’t want your help.
Shawn: Yes, you do. We can protect you.
Saralyn: No. People try and help me, and they end up dead. Just leave me alone.

Shawn notices the keys hanging by the door, and remembers the lock to Pacific Treasures.. Flashback ensues.

Gus: I think we should get fresh peaches and eat them instead.

Flashback ends.

Peters: You listen to me, young lady, you’re in grave danger.
Saralyn: I know that. Just go away.

Saralyn closes the door, and the blinds.

Flashback ensuses.

Randy: Can I go now?
Boone: Yeah, you can go. I’m gonna be watching you.
Peters: Me too.

Shawn remembers seeing the same keys by Herb’s door hanging on Randy’s belt loop.

Shawn: I know who the drug lord slash killer is.

Inside the house, a gun is pointed at Saralyn. It’s Randy.

Peters, Boone, Shawn and Gus walk away from the house.

Shawn: Okay, does anyone actually believe that Saralyn is in that house alone?
Peters and Boone: No.
Shawn: What’s the plan?
Peters: Well, we could sneak through a window, and start a grease fire in the bathroom.
Boone: Do it Shawn and Gus style.
Gus: We could.
Shawn: What was the bark and mark again?

Inside the house, Randy points his gun to Saralyn’s head. Outside, Shawn barks like a dog. Gus barks like a small dog.

Randy: What in the hell?

Randy looks out the window to find Shawn and Gus hiding behind a plant, and barking.

Randy: You better get out of here before you get yourselves shot.
Shawn: Hold up! Hold up! We want you to offer a deal! Send out Saralyn, take my friend, Gus.
Gus: What?!
Randy: No deal!
Gus: Yeah, no deal!
Shawn: Fine. I’m calling the police.

Lassiter jumps the fence and into the alley. Jules is also already in the alley.

Randy: You dial. She dies.
Gus: Okay, okay, okay. Send her out. Take Shawn instead.
Randy: Get out of here, you idiots!
Shawn: Take Gus, he can pass for Omar Epps in restaurants.
Gus: Take Shawn, trust me, you’ll feel better about yourself in comparison.
Shawn: Where are those old timers?
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: All right, follow my lead. Age before beauty.
Gus: You’re four moths older than I am.
Shawn: Since when?
Gus: Since birth!
Randy: I’m going to have to shoot these morons.
Shawn: Man, why you gotta bring up stuff that happened thirty years ago?

Peters attacks Randy then Boone follows. Randy runs away. Jules hits him on the face with her gun. Jules puts her foot on Randy’s chest, while he’s lying on the ground, and points her gun at him.

Jules: You’re under arrest, punk!
Boone: Nice job, Detective.
Jules: Thank you.
Lassiter: Let’s go! Come on.

Randy pushes Lassiter. Peters punches him on the face. Boone punches him too.

Shawn: It’s the bark and mark.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Man, you think we’ll still be able to knock duded out cold when we’re in our sixties?
Gus: We can’t knock dudes out now.
Shawn: I hear that.

At the SBPD police station…

Chief: Let me start by saying that everyone did an incredible job today, and the fact that I fired all four consultants and they went ahead and pursued this case anyway is something that I’m choosing to forget. Herb was a good man and if I were in your shoes, I would have done exactly what you guys did and never given up on this case.
Gus: Thank you, Chief.
Shawn: Well, said.
Gus: It means a lot.
Chief: See, I was talking to Peters and Boone. You guys should have just stayed fired.
Peters: Nah, sis, without Rick and Gutzy here, Floyd and I would still be in the park playing checkers.
Boone: Yeah, they were the kick in the pants we needed.
Peters: Got a hell of a kid here, Henry.
Henry: Yeah, he’s all right. Sometimes.
Boone: And then there’s you.

Boone looks to Gus.

Boone: Standing tall, shirt tucked in a little tight, maybe a little too tight. But there’s confidence in your eyes and fire in your loins. You know, I’d be honored to take you in, Gus, if you got no parents.
Gus: That’s very kind of you, Boone, but I do have parents and I’m in my thirties, so I think I’m good.
Boone: Thank God for that. I can’t be taking in no strays, Don.
Peters: I’m with you there, Pal. Rick!

Peters and Boone shake Shawn and Gus’ hand.

McNab: We just got a call about a body downtown on Tremont Street. There are signs of foul play.

Peters and Boone look at Chief Vick. They make their way out.

Henry: Hey, whoa, whoa. You guys are the best there ever was, maybe the best there ever will be, but you do know that this was a onetime deal. All right?
Peters: Right, Henry.
Henry: All right.

Peters and Boone step out the office.

Gus: What are you gonna do with Saralyn?
Chief: I’m going to do everything I can to get leniency for her. Herb was looking out for a good girl with potential, and I will do the same.

Shawn looks out the window, and finds Peters and Boone rushing to their car.

Shawn: Are they? Those sneaky…holy crap.

Shawn and Gus rush out.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Viagra Falls” episode was written by Todd Harthan. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.


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