1990, young Shawn and Gus tie one of their legs to each other with a duct tape.
Shawn: All right, Gus, we trained long and hard. Hours of practice after school. All those Joe Piscopo-endorsed protein shakes. It will all be worth it if we win that Mongoose BMX bike at the Police Department Picnic.
Shawn: You ready?
Shawn pulls out from his shirt pocket a stopwatch.
Shawn: Ready, set, go!
The two hop with their restrained legs across the field.
Shawn: Come on! We’re almost there. Keep it up! Inside, outside, inside, outside!
Shawn: Yes! A new record! We’re definitely going to win that bike.
Gus: What’s up?
Gus: Wait, how do we decide who gets the bike?
Shawn: Good question. We could do eeny-meeny-miney-moe.
Gus: Don’t insult my intelligence. We can do rock-paper-scissors.
Shawn: Nah, too easy to cheat.
Gus: Well, we can share it.
Shawn: Of course not. Uh, I’ll race you for it.
Gus: All right.
Shawn: All right.
Shawn and Gus with their legs still tied to each other run the opposite direction. Both fall on the ground.
Shawn and Gus: Really?
Gus: Come on.
Shawn: No, you really.
Gus: No, no, no. You really? Because…
Shawn: I’m going home, Man.
Gus: No! I’m taping your face. Come here.
With their legs loose. Shawn runs away, and Gus runs after him.
Gus: Come here! I’m taping your face little boy. Come here!
Present day, Shawn and Gus board a ferry.
Shawn: Dude, if you had told me we were boarding a ferry to the Channel Islands to do environmental cleanup, obviously I would have said no.
Gus: That’s exactly what I told you.
Shawn: And what did I say?
Gus: You said no.
Shawn: Then why am I here?
Gus: Because you’re easily distracted.
Shawn: What? When it comes to mental focus, I’m sharper…
Gus pulls out a candy bar from his pocket.
Shawn: Ooh! Thanks, Man. I was starved. You know, when they say these things really satisfy, they are not lying. So packed…
The horn blares.
Shawn: Oh, Man.
Gus: And done.
Across Shawn and Gus are four prisoners in their orange jumpsuits are chained to each other. Shawn laughs.
Shawn: Check out those outfits.
Gus: Must be on work detail.
Shawn: No, I mean those outfits.
Shawn points with his mouth to the people with their large backpacks, shorts, and knee high socks.
Shawn: You maybe into the environment, Gus, but at least you’re not one of those dudes.
The guy wearing cargo shorts, knee-high socks, and rafter shoes looks at Gus.
D.C.: Hey, the Guster!
Gus: What’s happening?
D.C. laughs, and makes his way to Gus.
Gus: Long time no see, Man. How you doing?
Gus high-fives with him.
D.C.: How ya doin’? You remember my brother, don’t you?
Gus: Oh, of course I do, yeah.
D.C.’s brother gives Gus a hug.
Gus: Okay. Uh, guys, this is my friend, Shawn. He’ll be volunteering with us today. Shawn, this is Dan Carter and his brother Carl.
D.C.: Hola, Shawn. You can call me D.C.
C.C.: Me, C.C.
Shawn: No, oh. Oh, that’s cute. In order to reduce carbon emissions, you guys ask people not to use your first names?
Gus: Shawn. You have to forgive my friend, Shawn. He’s not very environmentally conscious.
D.C.: It’s okay, Gus, everyone’s entitled to their opinion.
Shawn: Before you go black Al Gore on me, you should know that your sea sickness patch fell off.
Gus: Okay, first of all, black Al Gore was your Halloween costume, not mine. And secondly, my seasick patch is right here.
Gus feels the patch on his neck, but finds that it isn’t there. Gus whimpers.
Shawn: Here we go. Let’s get you to a bathroom. Gentlemen.
Shawn: It’s all right, Man. It’s okay. It’s all right.
Shawn helps Gus to the stairs.
Shawn: Stairs. Don’t go boneless on me, Gus. Do not go boneless.
Shawn and Gus are downstairs.
Gus: Sick man coming through!
Shawn: Move if you don’t want to get sprayed on. Come on. Move it!
The guard and the prisoners are outside the men’s room.
Guard: Wait, hold on.
The guard stops Shawn and Gus.
Guard: Hey, hold on a second. I’m sorry, you going to have to wait.
Shawn: You don’t understand. My friend has the equilibrium of a bumble bee. You got to let him in there.
Guard: No, you don’t understand. The State of California law says no one can occupy a restroom with furloughed felons, which is them, except for an armed escort, which is me. This guy here, these guys would peel that head like a grape. Not on my watch.
Gus: The head peel is my fourth greatest fear, Shawn. We can wait.
Shawn: Are you sure?
Shawn: We’ll wait.
A kid cuts the line to the men’s room.
Guard: Okay, I’m going to let little man go ahead.
Prisoners: Yeah, cool.
Guard: Get in, Son.
The kid enters the men’s room.
Shawn: What gives?
Guard: You didn’t see him doing his little pee-pee dance. Even they can see that. They’re felons, not animals. What’s the matter with you?
Gus is sweating, and is almost on his knees.
Shawn: Come on, Gus, I’ll take you to the other bathroom.
Gus and Shawn step out of the nurse’s station where Gus gets a new seasickness patch.
Gus: That should do it.
Shawn: One would certainly hope so.
Shawn and Gus walk passed the storage room where they here a muffled shout. They walk back to the front of the storage room.
Shawn: You heard that, right?
Shawn opens the storage room only to find the prison guard, gagged and chained.
Gus: Wait a second. If the prison guard is here, then where are the convicts?
Shawn: Gus, this is a prison break.
Shawn and Gus unchain the prison guard.
Shawn: You’re not so bad now. All right, what happened?
Guard: I don’t know. Shoot. One minute I’m checking the stalls after they finished, the next thing I know I got a knot on my head and I’m waking up in this closet.
Gus: Dude, where is your gun?
Guard: Oh, they probably turned it in for some books at the local community center. Where do you think it’s at, Man?
Shawn: Listen, we need to go upstairs, and tell everybody what happened.
Guard: No. No. No. The last thing we need is a panic on our hands. Man, that would put everybody in danger.
Gus: We need to call the police.
Shawn: That’s the sixth time you’ve said that today, and this time I actually agree with you.
Guard: I’m going to call the bridge and inform the captain.
Henry Spencer answers his office phone.
Henry: This is Henry Spencer.
Shawn on Phone: Dad, listen up, and listen carefully. Gus and I are on a ferry for some ridiculous environmental cleanup.
Gus: Do not editorialize, Shawn.
Shawn: Four prisoners on board on a work furlough. Now, they overtook their guard with relative ease, and we’re pretty sure they’re planning an escape. What should we do?
Henry: All right, all right, Shawn, listen to me, and I want you to listen carefully. You do not do anything. Do you understand? We’ll coordinate with the Coast Guard and intercept the vessel. In the meantime, I want you to stay in constant contact with me. Look, I’ll try, but cell coverage is spotty at best out here. Then don’t move. I’ll call you with our ETA. Shawn, the worst thing you can do in these situations is take matters into your own hands. Got it.
Shawn hangs up, and speaks to the prison guard and Gus.
Shawn: We’re going to have to take matters into our own hands.
Gus: Are you sure that’s what your dad said?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the one game at Chuck E. Cheese that isn’t broken. By the time the cops arrive these prisoners will be halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean.
Gus: Halfway from here to the Pacific Ocean is the Pacific Ocean, Shawn.
The ferry groans.
Gus: What the heck is that? Why are we stopping?
Guard: I got to the Captain. You see, protocol says that he shuts down the engine then he locks off the bridge, so the convicts can’t get to him and hijack the ferry.
Shawn: That means they’re already scrambling, but whatever they’re going to do, they’re going to do it soon.
Guard: Hey, Man, all these dudes got at least twenty years or more. They got nothing to lose. They’ll do anything to get off his boat.
Shawn: Yeah? Well, we’re the only ones who can stop them.
Guard: Man, I guess I had you all wrong. Hey, look, Man, I owe you all an apology for the way I treated y’all back there. I just assumed y’all was just a couple of punk ass friends from grade school that like to get theyself in different situations then riff on things at other people’s expense, you know?
Gus and Shawn scoff.
Gus and Shawn: No.
Shawn: Couldn’t be further from the truth.
Gus: That’s the wrong tune.
Guard: I see, now y’all a couple of Gs.
Guard: I could really use y’all.
Shawn: Yeah, yeah.
Guard: Craig, Man.
Craig, the prison guard, shakes the hands of Shawn and Gus.
Shawn: Shawn. All right, so what’s our play, Craig?
Guard: What did you say?
Shawn: The play. What…what’s the play, Craig?
Craig enunciates his name.
Guard: Craig, Man.
Guard: Did you see “Friday”?
Shawn: Are you kidding me?
Shawn acts out a scene from “Friday”.
Shawn: “Mama! Mama! Man, you just got knocked the the…”
Gus: Really, Shawn?
Shawn: We want to be used. How can we help?
Guard: Oh, yeah. Y’all know where we can get some supplies?
Shawn: I believe we do.
The environmental group are meeting in one of the rooms.
D.C.: Then right after that we spent three months in the Amazon Rainforest.
C.C.: Amazon Rainforest.
D.C.: True that.
Shawn and Gus join the environmentalists.
D.C.: Hey, the Guster.
Shawn filches a bundle of rope from the environmentalists’ stash.
D.C.: We were teaching the natives how to compost.
Shawn and Gus casually walks out of the room.
C.C.: In hindsight, I think all they really wanted was food.
D.C.: Why would you say that, Carl?
Shawn goes back to steal a kid’s backpack.
C.C.: Well, they were hungry.
Craig is hiding underneath the stairs.
Gus followed by Shawn goes over to him.
Craig: What you got?
Craig goes through the contents of the mountaineer’s backpack that Gus stole from the environmentalists.
Craig: Oh, yeah, this’ll work. Ah! Binoculars, yes. Walkies, yes. Binoculars, walkies, hemp rope.
Gus: Is there by chance a hemp rifle in there? Let’s not forget the armed part of armed and dangerous.
Shawn: Or the John Candy part.
Gus: Shawn, what are you doing right now?
Shawn: Eating fruit roll up.
Craig: All right, Gus, we’re going to split up, use the walkies to communicate. Shawn, I want y’all to go up high, look out for anything, anything at all that would give you a clue as to these convicts’ whereabouts, like passengers acting funny or scared or blacked out windows. Anything.
Gus: Got it.
Shawn: Where are you going to be?
Craig: Once y’all radio me the convicts’ location, I’m going to isolate them from the civilians. And that’s when I’m going to make my move.
Gus: By yourself?
Craig: Oh, I got the Lord on my side, Brother.
Gus: I admire your faith.
Craig: Oh, yeah. Let’s bounce.
Shawn and Gus go upstairs, and find the four prisoners making their way to the lifeboat.
Shawn: There they are.
Gus speaks to his walkie talkie.
Gus: Uh, Craig, you there?
Shawn: You realize you’re using a radio voice? Not to be confused with your cell phone voice or your white dude voice.
Gus: I do not have a radio voice, Shawn.
Craig: Who is this?
Craig: This don’t sound like you. You using some kind of radio voice or something, Man?
Gus: Listen, we have a visual on the suspects. They’re sneaking onto a lifeboat.
Craig: I’m on it. 10-4.
Craig makes his way upstairs, but finds that the doors are locked.
Craig: Damn it!
Craig speaks to his walkie talkie.
Craig: Shawn, Gus! They sealed off all the doors to the outer deck.
Gus: Damn, okay. We’ll think of something.
Shawn: You ready?
Shawn: Hey, if I’m going to die, you better be right behind me or I will haunt your kitchen cabinets until he day you die.
Shawn and Gus climb up the roof.
Shawn: Watch the…
Gus steps on something that made a sound.
Shawn and Gus: Shhhh!
Shawn and Gus jump on to the deck where the prisoners are. One of the prisoners points a gun at them.
Prisoner #1: Get the hell out of here!
Shawn runs, and disengages the lifeboat. It falls on the water.
Prisoner #1: No!
Gus: How was that a possibly good idea?
Shawn: Sorry, prison dudes, we simply could not let you take that lifeboat. Now, you have no choice but to stay here, and wait for the police to take you in.
Prisoner #1: Actually, there is another choice.
Lassiter’s office phone rings.
Shawn: Tell my dad I kind of took matters into my own hands.
The prisoners hold the passengers hostage. The police on their boats surround the ferry.
Chief: Okay, Mr. Northcutt, there’s a way this plays out where no one, including you or your fellow inmates, gets hurt, but first and foremost, we need confirmation that the hostages are safe.
Prisoner #1: Oh, they are, but if you want them to stay that way then you provide us with a fully fueled boat, a GPS de-scrambler, and assure us that no one’s going to follow us. Call me back when we’ve got a deal.
Chief: O’Hara, do we have that intel yet?
Jules: Dane Northcutt, Sanfus Sanders, Adam George, Gabriel Appel. Each has a multi-page rap sheet. The crimes range from grand larceny to armed robbery. They’ve been model prisoners up until now. This work furlough was a reward for good behavior.
Chief: They’re currently armed and considered very dangerous.
Jules: They all orchestrated being on work detail at the same time. I’m willing to bet this was their plan all along.
Lassiter: I don’t know what happened in there, but I do know this much, it was that jackass Spencer’s fault.
Henry: Lassiter, not really helpful right now.
Jules: Carlton, I’m sure that whatever Shawn did, it was because he felt he had no choice.
Inside the ferry, Gus speaks to Shawn.
Gus: Choice 17, you could have let them get in the boat, and left your phone in there to track it.
Craig: Choice 18, you could have set your mark-ass down somewhere, and let me handle it.
Gus: Choice 19, we could have gotten in the boat and got away!
One of the prisoners returns.
Prisoner #2: Everyone empty their pockets into this bag!
Shawn: Hey man, hey dude! Dude!
Prisoner #2: What?!
Shawn: Why don’t you let the women and children and men go?
Prisoner #2: Why don’t you shut up?
Shawn: All right.
Prisoner #2: Come on. Give it up. Come on. Give it up.
Shawn: We got to do something to let them know they can trust us. Give him the nod.
Gus: Shawn, the nod works when it’s me giving it to a brother behind the counter at Jamba Juice, not an armed convict.
Craig: Look, Man. We got to create an unexpected emergency. One they ain’t going to be able to handle that will throw them off and we can exploit that to break down their unity.
Shawn: What kind of emergency?
Gus: I got an idea.
Shawn: Does it involve a bear? I’ve got a better idea.
Shawn pulls out the three seasickness patches on Gus’ neck.
Immediately, Gus feels queasy.
Gus falls on the floor.
Shawn: Help! Somebody! Somebody help!
Craig: Yo! Man down! Man down! Hey, hey, hey, hey…
Prisoner #3: What’s going on here?
Craig: Y’all two got to do something or dude is going to die.
Shawn: Stay with us, Gus. Hang in there, Buddy.
Craig: We losing him. We losing him, Man. Hey, hey, hostages start dropping up in here, cops going to be all over this piece.
Prisoner #1: You two pick him up.
Prisoner #3: What the hell are we supposed to do with him?
Prisoner #4: Yeah, man, we ain’t no doctors.
Prisoner #1: He’s just seasick. You freaking idiots. Just get him out of here.
Shawn: Don’t worry, Gus.
Shawn secretly hands Gus a patch.
Shawn: Here. Here’s another patch.
Gus whimpers. Two of the prisoners grab Gus.
Shawn: Okay, worry a little.
Two of the prisoners drag Gus out of the room. Prisoner #1 wipes sweat from his neck, and speaks to Prisoner #2.
Prisoner #1: You know what? I don’t like this. It’s taking the cops way too long to respond.
Prisoner #2: Yeah, way too long.
At the SBPD boat…
Chief: What’s the ETA on the snipers?
Lassiter: They’re almost in position.
Chief: Yeah, well, almost isn’t good enough.
Man on Radio: Boat three in position, with the snipers.
Officer: Have all vessels clear.
Inside the ferry…
Shawn: That’s it. They’re starting to break. This is my chance to convince them to let us go.
Craig: All right, listen, you got to come at these guys hard if you want them to respect you. Okay? No silliness, no random movie references.
Shawn: This is just like “Collateral.” Except I’m Jamie Foxx and you’re Tom Cruise. You’re Cruise.
Craig: You finished?
Shawn: Oh, yeah, I’m done.
Craig: You sure? You sure? Because if you’re not…
Shawn: I’m done. I promise.
Craig: No, ‘cause, see, you seem to think I ain’t got nothing else better to do with my time.
Shawn: We’re in this thing together. Please, finish what you were saying.
Craig: Only one way for you to come off hard. Take the last thing they said, and then you repeat it back to them, you know, like, an angry question.
Shawn: That doesn’t make any sense.
Craig repeats what Shawn said as an angry question.
Craig: That doesn’t make any sense?
Shawn: Oh, I stand corrected.
Craig: Oh, you stand corrected?
Shawn: Okay, I got it.
Craig: You sure?
Shawn: Yeah, yeah.
Craig: Because it’s subtle. You want to practice it?
Shawn: It’s not subtle. I got it.
Prisoner #1: The two of you need to shut up right now. I don’t want to shoot you.
Shawn: Oh, you don’t want to shoot us? You don’t want to shoot us? Man, how dare you say you don’t want to shoot us?
Prisoner #1: All right, all right, Man, just calm down. Damn.
Prisoner #1 kicks Shawn in the face. Shawn falls on the ground. Prisoner #1 & #2 drag him out of the room.
Prisoner #1: We told you to shut up.
Prisoner #3: Yo, we just saw the cops loading up two boats with snipers.
Prisoner #1: Damn it!
The two prisoners drop Shawn on the floor. Shawn groans.
Prisoner #3: You said if we went along with you, it would all be smooth. You didn’t say anything about no snipers.
Shawn notices the same tattoo on the two prisoners.
Prisoner #2: Yeah, man, he’s right. I ain’t trying to die. Look, Man, you ain’t the only one with a dime piece waiting for him out there.
Prisoner #1: You think I wanted this to happen?
Shawn: Hey, prison dude, cops aren’t playing around, okay? I think it’s time you rethink our plan. I’m sure they’d be willing to make a deal if you show them some good faith, a gesture, you know? Like that all the hostages are safe. That’s all they care about in these situations. Did you see “Dog Day”?
Prisoner #1: You’re right. You’re absolutely right.
The prisoners bring the hostages up on the outer deck.
Gus: Choice 21. You cold have used hypnosis to convince him to let us all go.
Shawn: Gus, I was hoping he would release the hostages, not use us as a human shield.
On the SBPD boat…
Chief: This is Vick. Yeah. We’re still working on getting you that boat.
Prisoner #1: Nice try, but it’s too late. You call off your snipers right now. You’ll see they have no clear shots.
Chief asks Carlton Lassiter to use his binoculars.
Lassiter: Damn it! They’re all in the way.
Chief: Okay, Mr. Northcutt, let’s just remain calm. There’s an easier way out if you just surrender now.
Northcutt: You listen to me! If we’re not provided that boat in 10 minutes! I’m going to start killing your hostages. You got that?
Jules: Chief, we have to listen to them. Two of our own are onboard.
Lassiter: Well, one and a half at best.
Henry: Still not helpful.
Lassiter: Come on, Henry, you and I both know we have a strict policy of not negotiating in situations like this.
Henry: Chief. Make the call.
Chief: We’re going in.
Lassiter: The boys are going hot.
Northcutt who is actually Prisoner #1 and Prisoner #2 pushes D.C. and C.C. Northcutt points a gun at them.
Prisoner #2: Go!
C.C.: Oh, come on, Man, please.
D.C.: I voted for Obama!
Prisoner #2: Shut up! Move!
D.C.: Come on! Just take Carl.
Prisoner #2: Go! Go! Go!
D.C. and C.C. enter the inside of the ferry with the two prisoners following them inside.
D.C.: We’re environmentalists!
Gunshots are fired. Everybody exclaims. The SWAT team shoots teargases on to the outer deck. Everybody clamors. The SWAT team, and the police enter the ferry.
Lassiter: Guys, put these on.
Lassiter hands Shawn and Gus gasmasks. Another policeman hands Craig a gasmask.
Lassiter: Where are the other inmates?
Shawn: You have to go down! You have to go through the door and down!
Craig: Four! Four prisoners on this boat. I got four prisoners.
The police arrest the two prisoners on the outer deck, and caught the two inside.
Lassiter: All right, we got them!
Shawn notices that the two are D.C. and C.C. now donning the orange prison jumpsuit.
Shawn: No! Lassie, no!
Shawn: Those two aren’t prisoners!
Lassiter: What the hell are you talking about?
The two prisoners who are now wearing D.C. and C.C.’s clothes are taken on stretchers, and on to the police’s medic boat. Northcutt points a gun at one of the police officers.
Shawn: They’re not prisoners!
Lassiter: Who are they?
Shawn: Um, D.C. and C.C.
The police gather around Chief Vick at the SBPD station.
Chief: All right, listen up, by the time we caught up with the stolen medic boat, Northcutt and Sanders had already made their escape. The hunt is now an inter-agency top priority, so we are coordinating everything with the Sheriff’s department as well as the Coast Guard. Your personal assignments have been sent to your inboxes.
Lassiter: Chief, anything on Northcutt or Sanders out of the Department of Corrections that can help us on this?
Shawn: I’ve got something, Chief. I’m sensing these men belong to a prison brotherhood, a small cadre if you will. This indicates there could be an accomplice who potentially aided in the escape of Northcutt and Sanfus Sanders.
Chief: Well, at this point I’ll take any lead that I can get. Okay, Mr. Spencer, let’s try to find other members if any even exist, and the rest of you, let’s get to work. We’ve got an hour or two at most to catch these guys and then they’re gone.
Gus sees Craig sitting on a chair at the station.
Shawn: What? What? What?
Gus: Hey, Man, what are you doing here?
Craig: I had to come in to give my statement to Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: That explains the long face. I know dealing with Lassie can be very unpleasant. Like crawling over broken glass or any kind of wiener surgery.
Craig: No, that’s not really it. The warden called. He fired me.
Shawn: What? Why?
Craig: Two dangerous convicts escaped on my watch.
Shawn: Oh, come on, I’m sure a snafu like that has happened at the prison before.
Craig: First time.
Shawn: Ooh. In that case…
Gus: Man, I’m really sorry.
Lassiter: I’m not. There’s no excuse for letting those men get the jump on you, and putting those civilians at risk. The very least, you should be bleeding to death from a bullet taken while trying to stop their escape.
Gus: Come on, Lassie, there’s no reason to kick a man when he’s already down.
Lassiter: That’s exactly when a man should be kicked, because that’s the only way he learns. The nuns taught me that.
Shawn: Wow. Lassie, the more I learn about you, the more I’m convinced you are the Penguin.
Gus: Except lankier.
Lassiter: Look, I do my job and put those animals behind bars. It was your job to keep them there.
Craig: Yeah, well, your next job is about to be that you better get up out of my face kind.
Detective Lassiter sniffs.
Lassiter: You reek of failure.
Craig: That gay dude is right. I am a failure. I messed up the only job I ever had. The only thing I know how to do is to be a prison guard. I got no other skills, and I’m supposed to be helping my mom and dad with their medical bills.
Gus: Hey, Man, look, often when one door closes, another even better door will open in the future.
Craig: Ah, whatever.
Shawn: Gus and I can give you some money.
Gus: That’s not the kind of door I was talking about.
Craig: Fellows, I appreciate it, but I can’t take your charity. That’s not how I was raised.
Shawn: I’m not talking about charity, Craig, I’m talking about giving you a job. The truth is we need you, Man. You knew more about Northcutt and Sanders than anybody. You help us find these guys, and we will split our fee for the case.
Gus: Still not the door I was talking about.
Craig: You know that might be cool. All right. Deal. Yeah.
Craig shakes Shawn’s hand.
Shawn: Craig is back! All right. Let’s get cracking, Man, to the blueberry.
Craig: I’ll get my coat and meet you in the parking lot.
Craig: My man. Yeah, brother.
Shawn: Man, how’s he gonna fit in the car?
Gus: I don’t know. Shawn, I’m all about helping a brother out, but did you have to offer him half?
Shawn: Don’t worry. We’ll give him my half. It won’t cost you a cent.
Gus: Oh, so, now I’m the greedy miser? No, we’ll give him my half.
Shawn: And done.
Shawn, Gus, and Craig are at the Psych office.
Craig: All right, cool. Thanks, Hector. All right, so, my man who’s guarding Unit B said that Sanders and Northcutt formed the Tres Diablos five years ago with Northcutt’s cellmate. His name, Percy Dunn.
Shawn: Percy Dunn? The lightning thief.
Gus: No, that’s Percy Jackson, Shawn.
Shawn: Either way he could have helped them plot their escape. Let’s question him.
Craig: You ain’t getting nothing out of Dunn, Man. He been dead two years.
Gus: Dunn. I feel like I saw that name in one of the escapee files.
Shawn: Come on, Gus, don’t say things just for the sake of making noise.
Gus: No. Here it is right here. Lorraine Dunn, 2409, Via Esperanza. She’s a volunteer GED tutor at the prison. And guess who’s been one of her regular students for the past two years? Northcutt.
Craig: Mmm. Mmm.
Shawn: To the blue…
Shawn, Gus, and Craig visit Lorraine Dunn.
Lorraine: I met Dane when he shared a cell with my late son, Percy.
Shawn: Hmm. Is that you and Percy there?
Lorraine: Yes. I used to work at the church, and Percy would help me clean the place after school. We didn’t make much money, but it was enough to put food on the table and keep Percy out of trouble. It’s no coincidence that when the church was boarded up, Percy started running with the gangs and we know how that ended. Dane really helped me with my grief after Percy passed away.
Shawn: The two of you got pretty close over the years.
Lorraine: Dane means the world to me.
Gus: Excuse me, what is the name of this drink?
Lorraine: It’s my homemade horchata.
Gus: It’s surprisingly tasty.
Shawn: Gus, do you mind? We’re sort of in the middle of something. Mrs. Dunn, this is muy importante. Did Dane try to contact you after he escaped custody?
Lorraine: No. He hasn’t.
Gus: You know what? I think I’ll have one more glass of this delicious horchata if you don’t mind.
Gus pours himself horchata, but it spills on the coffee table.
Lorraine: Oh! I just cleaned this table.
Lorraine grabs a rag from the laundry basket. Shawn notices that Northcutt’s handkerchief is in there.
Craig: Uh, Shawn, let me holler at you for a second.
Craig and Shawn go to a corner.
Craig: This cracker’s lying.
Shawn: I know, but, uh, cracker?
Craig: It’s Prison 101, Shawn. Convicts’ moms lie to protect their sons. You heard her. Northcutt is like her own flesh and blood. No way he would have left town without saying goodbye.
Craig looks at Lorraine who frantically cleans the coffee table with Pledge.
Craig: So how do you want to handle it?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective, remember?
Craig: Not really.
Shawn: Mrs. Dunn, I’m afraid you lied to us. Now, do we need to call the police? Because I happen to know a detective who doesn’t mind roughing up older women.
Lorraine: Okay. He was here. Dane was here earlier.
Shawn: What did he say? Where’s he headed?
Lorraine: He didn’t tell me. He just wanted to make sure I was okay, and to see the room where Percy grew up to pay his respects. That’s all. I swear.
Gus drinks up the horchata.
Gus, Shawn, and Craig visit Percy’s old room.
Gus: Wow. Miss Dunn isn’t much of a house cleaner for someone so trigger happy with their Pledge.
Shawn notices that the vent is slightly unscrewed. He looks inside.
Shawn: Gus, Craig, I’ve arrived at the following two conclusions. First, this is likely one of the largest pencils in North America.
Shawn holds up the pencil décor.
Shawn: and I know what Northcutt was looking for. A key, and he found it.
Craig, Shawn, and Gus speak to Chief Vick.
Shawn: Chief, I’m sensing the key that Northcutt found in the vent is also the key to where he is going. Pun intended.
Gus: It wasn’t a pun. You just used the same word twice.
Shawn: Noted and ignored.
Lassiter: I just got a tip from my CI. Two men matching the description of our suspects just hired an immigrant smuggler to get them out of the country. It’s fairly certain the vehicle being used in the job is a locally owned big rig set to leave Santa Barbara in two hours. What is this embarrassment to law enforcement doing here?
Craig: I’m about to kick your Ichabod-Crane-looking ass, that’s what.
Chief: Oh, enough. Enough! We are running short of time.
Lassiter: Let’s go. Come on.
Chief: Lassiter, I need you to track down ASAP every coyote that’s been busted in the last six months, and pull the manifest from every trucking company and independent contractor who has a rig that meets these criteria, please.
Lassiter: Yes, ma’am.
Craig: Yes, ma’am.
Lassiter: You’re so lucky she’s standing there.
Chief: Mr. Guster, Mr. Spencer, just go follow the key lead.
Shawn: You got it.
Gus: We on it.
Shawn: Let’s go, Baby.
Gus, Shawn, and Gus leave Chief’s office.
Shawn: We need to access Percy Dunn’s prison files. See if there’s anything in there to tell us what that key might be for.
Craig rushes to a computer.
Shawn: Craig, I have an idea. Why don’t you use my dad’s computer?
Craig: My security code still works in the prison database.
Craig: Percy Dunn. All right, it says here his last stretch was twenty years for armed robbery.
Gus: Dunn was involved in the California Federal heist of ’99. I remember reading about that. Something about it was never solved.
Craig: I heard there was a million dollars in cash hat was never recovered.
Shawn: Fellows, that’s it. Dunn and Northcutt were cellmates. Dunn knew he wasn’t going to make it so he told Northcutt where he stashed the million, and that is what the key’s for.
Craig admires the legs of Detective O’Hara.
Gus: But where’s the key to?
Gus: A storage room.
Shawn: Safety deposit box.
Jules: Hey, guys, any new leads?
Craig: How you feel, mama?
Gus: Dude, really?
Craig: She a dime piece.
Shawn: Dime piece? What is that, like an invisible stopwatch or a chocolate coin?
Jules: It’s a hot woman, a 10. And thank you.
Craig: Oh, yeah.
Detective O’Hara walks away. Craig gets up his chair, and drools.
Shawn remembers something Prisoner #2 said. Flashback ensuses.
Prisoner #2: You ain’t the only one with a dime piece waiting for him out there.
Shawn: Dime piece. Northcutt has a girlfriend.
Shawn, Gus, and Craig interview Northcutt’s girlfriend.
Girlfriend: Look, I’m going to tell you boys the same thing that I told the cops, I haven’t seen or heard from Dane in weeks.
Craig: Um, Shawn, could I holler at you for a minute?
Shawn pulls up a throw pillow to cover his face.
Craig: She lying.
Shawn: I know. I also noticed you didn’t use cracker.
Craig: I’m complicated.
Shawn watches the woman’s kid as he starts playing with his toy car. Flashback ensues.
Prisoner #2: Everyone empty their pockets into this bag! Come on, give it up.
Shawn: Patty! I’m sensing that while you and Dane have had your fair share of problems in the past, recently he’s tried to be a much better father to Travis.
Patty: Okay, yeah, he came through here earlier. He was being all sweet to Travis, and talking about buying us a new place in a nice new neighborhood. He was even talking about going to church tonight.
Lorraine: It’s no coincidence that after the church was boarded up, Percy started running with the gangs.
Shawn pulls up the throw pillow again, and whispers to Craig and Gus.
Shawn: I know where the money is, and I know what the key is for.
Gus: Thank you.
Shawn, Gus, and Craig enter the abandoned church that Lorraine talked about before. They see Northcutt and Prisoner #2 in there.
Shawn: Imagine lugging around all that dough. Do you have any idea how much a million in cash must weigh? Seriously, do you?
Gus: It’s not that much, Shawn.
Shawn: It’s like a hundred, a hundred stacks.
Gus: It probably weighs as much as a pumpkin.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.
Gus: Why did you ask? You asked me…
Shawn shushes Gus.
Shawn: We’ve got to stop those guys.
Gus: No, what we need to do is call Lassie and Juliet, and let them stop these guys.
Shawn: There’s no time.
Craig: I agree with Shawn. We need to make our move right now.
Shawn: Everybody find something you can use as a weapon.
They all look around. Gus carries a thick bible. They silently walk towards the prisoners.
Northcutt: Oh, come on. Hurry up.
Prisoner #2 removes a plate on the floor, and with a smile takes out a garbage bag filled with cash. Shawn holds up a candle.
Gus: That’s what you picked as a weapon? A candle?
Shawn: What? Too waxy?
Gus: Here. Take this.
Gus hands Shawn the Bible.
Shawn: This is the Bible.
Gus: “As for the deeds of men, by the words of your lips I have kept from the paths of the violent.” Psalms 17:4.
Craig: Now let us go forth, and kick much ass. Craig 1:1.
Shawn attacks Prisoner #2 with the Bible. He falls on the floor. Northcutt points the gun at Shawn. Shawn hides behind the thick Holy Bible.
Craig: Better think about that little boy of yours, Northcutt.
Northcutt drops the gun, and puts his hand up.
Shawn: Gus, it worked. It’s a miracle.
Gus: No, Shawn, it’s not.
Shawn turns around, and finds Craig pointing a gun.
Craig: I’ll take that.
Shawn and Gus put their hands up.
Shawn and Gus are tied to a tombstone.
Gus: I can’t believe Craig turned on us like that.
Shawn: Really? That’s funny, seeing as how you’re the one that gave him the idea.
Gus: Excuse me?
Shawn: At the police department, you told him that he should have faith that good things will happen in his life, like, oh, I don’t know, finding a million dollars.
Gus: No, Shawn, I meant the kind of faith you find in the Bible. You know, like, “faith is the substance of things hoped for.”
Shawn: You’re not going to confuse me by switching languages.
The two prisoners were tied to a column.
Northcutt: Just so you punks know.
Northcutt: We’re gonna kill you, and then we’re going to get our money back from that hack.
Prisoner #2: And kill him. Yeah.
Gus and Shawn struggle to be free of their bindings.
Shawn: You’re not wriggling enough.
Gus: I’m wiggling as much as I can.
Shawn: Wriggling, Gus. Wriggling.
Gus: What difference does it make? I’m doing it as much as I can. Use your teeth to tear the tape.
Shawn: I just got them cleaned.
Northcutt is almost free.
Shawn: We’re going to have to come up with another way out of this.
Gus: I know.
Shawn: What’s the first thing that comes to your mind?
Gus: I’m about to die.
The two prisoners are free from the column, but are still bound together.
Shawn: What’s the second thing?
Gus: I’m about to die on an empty stomach.
Shawn: Man, what’s the third thing?
Gus: I don’t know. What do you want from me, Shawn, the cabinet?
Shawn and Gus: The cabinet!
The prisoners crawl on the floor.
Prisoner #2: We got the drop on you!
Shawn and Gus free themselves from the tombstone, but are still bound together.
Shawn: This way!
The two stand up, and hop on to the cabinet. They push the cabinet to fall on the two prisoners.
Shawn: Let’s go!
Gus: Let’s go!
Shawn: Let’s go!
Shawn and Gus with one of their legs still bound to each other, hop out of the church. They see Craig hopping on to Gus’ car.
Shawn: Whoa, no, Craig!
Shawn and Gus: Hey!
Gus:That’s a company car!
Craig drives off with the money.
Shawn: Dude, if we go through those woods we can cut him off before he hits the bottom of the drive. The question is, do we still have our good stuff?
Gus: Of course we do. We can do this, Shawn.
Shawn: Damn right, we can. We’re the best there ever was.
Shawn: Shared leg first.
Shawn and Gus hop through the woods.
Shawn: Syncopated breathing.
They trip on a stump, and scream like girls. They fall, and roll down a trail. Meanwhile, Craig is in the car guffawing.
Craig: Oh, hell no! No, no, no!
Shawn and Gus are lying on the road. They see the car approach, and scream like girls. The car screeches to a halt. Shawn and Gus whimper. Craig jumps out of the car.
Gus: Shawn! Shawn! Gus!
Craig: Come on.
Craig helps them up.
Craig: Oh, man, I’m so glad you two are all right. I mean, I could never live with myself if I hurt either one of you. Okay. Bye.
Craig rushes back to the car.
Shawn: What? Whoa, whoa! Isn’t this where you’re supposed to reconsider what you’re doing?
Craig: Why would I do that?
Gus: Because it’s wrong.
Shawn: You’re better than this, Craig.
Craig: I used to be. Hell, I had a good career. I was making around 40k a year with excellent benefits, but that’s all gone now. Hell, in this job climate I’d be lucky to land a part-time gig somewhere as a night watchman making 15.
Shawn: Dude, I had no idea it was so rough out there.
Gus: Yeah, it is.
Shawn: How much did we make last year?
Gus: I’m not telling you.
Shawn: That’s fair.
Craig: Hey, with this money I can take care of my parents, my grandparents, my aunties, my uncles, my little cousin, Brucey, and my aunt Merriam and them. I can get these corns removed, and I might even have a little left over to fulfill my lifelong dream, opening a wine bar in Bangkok.
Shawn: Those seem like worthy goals, Craig. The question you want to ask yourself, does Bangkok need another wine bar?
Gus: Seriously, Shawn? That’s the question you want to ask?
Shawn: I’m concerned that the Turkish market is a little over-saturated.
Gus: Bangkok is in Thailand, Shawn. The more important question is, Craig, do you want to throw away your entire life of doing right for this one wrong?
Shawn: Think about it. Now, give me the gun, Craig.
Craig pulls out his gun, and shoots. Shawn and Gus scream. They look around, and found that Craig had shot the two prisoners.
Shawn: Yes! Yes!
Craig hands the gun to Shawn.
Craig: Dude, I am so proud of you.
Shawn: I better call Lassie and Jules. Gus, you and Craig make sure those guys stay put.
Gus: You got it partner.
Craig runs to the prisoners. Gus does the same, forgetting that one of his legs is still bound with one of Shawn’s.
Shawn: Wait, wait, wait!
They fall on the ground.
Back at the SBPD station, the police escort the prisoners to their cells.
Shawn: Hope you enjoyed your furlough, fellas.
Gus: Because you won’t be getting your next one until forever.
Craig: Yeah, um, probably not a good idea to taunt violent criminals, fellas. You never know, they might escape, you know, get out some day, and believe me they hold grudges.
Shawn: Excuse the sarcasm.
Gus: Just kidding. Little joke.
Shawn: Messing around with you guys.
Craig: Hey, listen, I’m really sorry. I lost my head back there at the church. We probably can’t be friends after what I’ve done, but I hope you forgive me.
Shawn: Listen, Craig, everyone makes mistakes.
Gus: That’s what makes us human. The important thing is that in the end, you made the right choice.
Shawn: Sounds like the wrap up to a Scooby-Doo episode.
Gus: I know.
Shawn: I didn’t really…just to prove to you that we do not hold grudges, we are still going to split our fee with you.
Craig: I really appreciate that. I mean especially since I’m the one what owes you.
Gus: I know. That’s right.
Chief: Hey, sounds like things got a little hairy down at the church. What exactly happened?
Shawn: Well, Northcutt and Sanders there got the drop on Gus and I, which is rare.
Shawn: But luckily, Craig was there to save the day.
Gus: It was pretty cut and dry.
Chief: Well, great job, Officer. And I’ll have you know I’ve already spoken to the warden, and in light of your actions today, I think there’s an excellent chance that you’re going to get your job back.
Gus: What? See? I told you things work out if you just have a little faith.
Chief: And there’s more good news. There’s a hundred thousand dollar reward for returning the stolen money from the Cal Fed robbery.
Chief: So, congratulations again, Craig.
Craig: Oh, it’s Craig.
The Chief enunciates the prison guard’s name.
Chief: Craig. Okay.
Shawn: Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Dude, that’s awesome!
Craig: Oh, wow!
Gus: I told you.
Craig: Gus, you were so right.
Gus: You see what I’m saying?
Craig: This turned out better than I could have ever imagined.
Shawn: A hundred Gs.
Shawn: Take care, Man. Wait a minute. Isn’t he forgetting something?
Gus: The part about how he owes us.
Shawn: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Craig! No, no, no. No, no! Craig! Craig!
Shawn and Gus are at the Psych office.
Shawn: Dude, we got a postcard from Craig.
Craig is in Bangkok surrounded by hot Thai women.
Gus: Oh, I guess you were wrong about the Bangkok wine bar market.
Shawn: You know, technically half of that wine bar is ours. We should go over there and claim it.
Gus: Except we can’t afford the airfare, because you gave away half our fee.
Shawn: It was for a worthy cause.
Gus: Speaking of a worthy cause. There’s another environmental cleanup on the island this afternoon.
Shawn: Gus, I will tell you exactly the same thing I told you last time. No!
Gus: Cool. I get it.
Gus hands Shawn a Snickers bar. Shawn gasps.
Shawn: Thanks, Man. I’m starving.
Gus: It’s so easy.
Shawn: Packed with peanuts!
Shawn follows Gus.
Watch the Psych episode Ferry Tale
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This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Ferry Tale” episode was written by Saladin K. Patterson & Kell Cahoon. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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