Frasier is wrapping up his show.
Frasier: Well, I think we’ve got time for one last caller. Go ahead, Mindy, I’m listening.
Mindy speaks on the phone in a whisper.
Mindy: It’s about my mother, Dr. Crane. Ever since I got married she’s been…yes, the cashmere turtleneck is $39.
Frasier: Excuse me, what?
Mindy: Sorry, I work in catalog sales, and my boss just walked past. So anyway, my mom…yes, it’s on sale until the end of the month.
Frasier: Mindy, we are pressed for time.
Roz: Hold on, Frasier. Cashmere for under forty bucks? I’ll take one in black. In medium. Wait, is that medium-medium or unrealistic-anorexic-model-medium?
Mindy: It sound like you might want to go for the large.
Roz: Oh, really?
Frasier: And that’s our show. Uh, he-he, what size will Roz order? Will she accessorize? Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. Good day, Seattle.
Kenny enters the booth even more cheery than usual.
Kenny: Dynamite show, Doc, one of your best. Rosalinda, great work on the control panel. I’m going to start calling you “Control Freak.”
Kenny: Well, you’re probably wondering “Who put a quarter in him today?” Just got a call from my lawyer. My divorce…final. I’m back to my tomcat days! Lock up your daughters Seattle. Kenny Daly’s on the loose!
Roz: You might want to lose the wedding ring, Tomcat.
Kenny: Oh, yeah. Time to remove my shackle.
Kenny removes his wedding ring, but could not remove it from his finger.
Kenny: Well, that’s weird.
Kenny struggles to remove the ring.
Kenny: Ooh, that’s really stuck. That’s funny. That’s how my wife described our marriage. “Stuck.” Well, you’re not stuck anymore, are you?!
Kenny vigorously tries to pull the wedding ring out of his finger.
Kenny: Oh, damn it, damn it.
Kenny breaks down, and cries.
Frasier: Kenny, Kenny, come on, come on. Come and sit down. All right, here.
Frasier sits Kenny on his chair.
Frasier: Take a deep breath.
Kenny: I’m sorry. His thing’s hit me like a ton of bricks. The only good news is I’ll start getting a check every month.
Frasier: Kenny, um…divorce can be one of life’s most difficult transitions. Have you considered seeing a professional once or twice a week?
Kenny: I thought about it, but prostitutes are expensive.
Roz: He means a psychiatrist, Kenny. That is what you meant, right?
Kenny: A shrink? Oh, geez Louise. I don’t think I’d be comfortable talking to a psychiatrist.
Frasier: Well, I’m a psychiatrist. You’re comfortable talking to me, aren’t you?
Kenny: Are you offering to be my shrink?
Frasier: Ay, no.
Kenny: I could probably handle that.
Frasier: I was going to refer you to someone.
Roz: Can’t you help him, Frasier?
Frasier: Well, I don’t know, Roz. Giving psychotherapy to my employer? It’s a bit of a gray area, isn’t it?
Roz: Oh, come on, it’s not like he’s a real boss.
Kenny: Yeah, Roz is right. Come on, Doc, I could use a little help.
Frasier: Well, I suppose if you’d like to stop by my place, and discuss your feelings informally, there’d be no harm in that.
Kenny: Thanks, Doc.
Kenny gives Frasier a hug.
Kenny: And I’m paying you for your time.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, that’s hardly necessary.
Kenny: No, no, no, no, I insist. Now what do you get?
Frasier: Kenny, don’t worry about it. I’ll gladly do it for free. What do you say we get together Friday night?
Kenny: Thanks, Doc. I wish my ex-wife was as agreeable as you, and dead.
Frasier: Ok, maybe tonight’s better.
Kenny is on Frasier’s couch crying as Eddie looks to him with pity.
Kenny: And the one time I was winning my dad “accidentally” knocked over the checkerboard.
Kenny: He made me pick up all the pieces, too. Fortunately, my mom was there with an extra piece of cake.
Frasier: I see.
Frasier reviews his notes.
Frasier: A controlling narcissistic father, and an overprotective mother. It has all he earmarks of a classic Oedipus complex. Well, well, old friend, we meet again. Now let me tell you your deep-rooted feelings of castration…
Frasier’s watch beeps.
Frasier: Oh! I’m afraid our time is up.
Kenny: Wait. What?
Frasier: This has been fascinating. I believe we were finally on the brink of discovering a road into some real insights.
Frasier makes his way to the front door as Kenny follows.
Frasier: I can’t tell you I’m as exhilarated as you are.
Kenny: Yeah. When are we going to talk about my divorce?
Frasier: Uh, you may not know it, Kenny, but we already are. Now, for your next session, I want you to write a letter telling your father how you feel. Don’t send it. Just write it.
Kenny: Homework?You never said there was gonna be any homework.
Frasier: It’s all part of the process. Good night, Kenny.
Kenny: But I…
Frasier slams the door on Kenny. Marty comes out of the kitchen.
Marty: Geez, I thought that would never end.
Frasier: Dad, how long have you been in there?
Marty: The whole damn time. I went in for a beer, and Kenny came in and started crying, and I was trapped. So, how’s talking about checkers supposed to help him through a divorce?
Frasier: Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.
Marty: What’s your generation going to do when we’re all gone, and there’s no one left to blame?
Frasier: You know, I really can’t tell you how exciting it is to roll up my sleeve again, and delve into someone’s psyche. I don’t even know where to begin. Although, you know, I do think it’s particularly salient that the father never showed any interest in the things that were most important to his son.
Marty reaches the front door.
Marty: Sounds good, Fras. Bye.
Marty steps out the door, and finds Kenny waiting by the elevator. Marty walks back inside the apartment. Kenny sees him.
Kenny: Oh, hey, Martin.
Marty: Oh, hi, Kenny. I didn’t know you are here. How’s it going?
Kenny: Okay, I guess.
The two stand in silence for a few seconds.
Kenny: I have an emotionally crippled father.
Marty: You don’t say.
Marty presses the elevator button.
Kenny: So where are you headed?
Marty: Uh, gonna grab a beer at McGinty’s.
Kenny: Really? Well, I’m sure dehydrated after all that crying.
Marty: You don’t say.
Marty impatiently presses the elevator button again.
Kenny: You mind if I tag along with you?
The elevator car arrives.
Marty: Sure why not?
Kenny: Oh, thanks, Martin. I really appreciate it. I bet you are a great dad.
Kenny begins to cry.
Marty: Oh, geez.
Daphne and Niles are at Café Nervosa.
Daphne: If you want to learn yoga why do we need some fancy private teacher? There are classes we could take together down at the Y.
Niles: Yes, and afterwards there are anti-fungal lotions we can use together, too. Just give Ahmrit a chance. If we don’t achieve physical and spiritual harmony, the second lesson’s free.
Frasier arrives with a few books in hand.
Frasier: Oh, hello, you two.
Niles: Hey, Frasier. Ooh, Freud, Bettelheim…Jung? Someone’s playing with the big boys.
Frasier: Yes, well, it’s for my patient.
Niles: You’re seeing patients again?
Frasier: Well, just this one for the last three weeks. Very challenging case, too. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses, and a phobia or two.
Niles: Sounds to me like you’ve hit the crackpot.
Niles and Frasier laugh, while Daphne is not entertained.
Niles: I’m sorry. I heard it at a convention.
Daphne: So, how did you meet this new patient?
Frasier: Well, I can’t really say, Daphne. You know, doctor-patient confidentiality.
Kenny: Hey, shrink buddy!
Niles: Oh, dear.
Kenny: Hi, Niles, Daphne.
Niles: Hello, Kenny, how are you? Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to buy stickymats.
Daphne: All right.
Niles: There we go.
Niles and Daphne leave.
Frasier: Kenny, have a seat, have a seat. So, how are you feeling?
Kenny: Like a new man. Last night was just what I needed.
Frasier: I can’t tell you how gratifying it is to hear that.
Kenny: Yeah, me and your dad shut down McGinty’s.
Frasier: Really? You and dad?
Kenny: Yeah, actually, I’m meeting him here for coffee. Man is he a hoot. He made me completely forget about my problems.
Frasier: Well, good for you! Of course, the object is not to forget about one’s problems; it’s to understand them. Of course, that can take a lot of work.
Kenny: About the work part, your dad said something last night that made a lot of sense. He…he said I should get out more, and I was thinking that’s gonna be tough to do if I’m seeing you twice a week, plus doing all that homework. I guess what I’m saying is…I want to quit.
Frasier: Kenny, I understand it might be painful to uncover what is a very painful past, but I must warn you that if you run away from this now you will only be repeating a pattern that will prolong your unhappiness.
Kenny: I’m okay with that.
Frasier: In these past few sessions, we have discovered territory that usually takes months to reach. I don’t meant to toot my own horn, but I’ve been on fire.
Kenny: Don’t get me wrong, Doc. You’ve been great. It’s just. It’s not for me.
Marty: Hey, guys.
Kenny: He-hey, it’s Party Hearty Marty!
Marty: He-hey, it’s, uh…
Kenny: Sir Shots-A-Lot.
Marty: Right. He-hey!
Frasier: Dad, can I have a word with you for a second?
Marty: Yeah, sure.
Kenny: Oh, I’ll get us some coffee.
Kenny walks over to the bar. Marty takes a seat at Frasier’s table.
Marty: Nice guy. Doesn’t hold his liquor like you think he would.
Frasier: Did you tell him that he should go out more?
Marty: Yeah, what’s wrong with that?
Frasier: Well, he is using it as an excuse to quit therapy after one night out with you in a bar, the man is ready to throw away three weeks of intense analysis.
Marty: Fras, the guy’s finally having a little fun. Don’t you want him to be happy?
Frasier: I am not trying to make him happy. I am trying to cure his depression.
Marty looks confused.
Kenny: Hey, Marty, does this remind you of anything?
Kenny takes a shot of espresso.
Kenny: Ow! Hot! Hot!
Frasier rushes to Kenny’s side, and turns to the barista.
Frasier: Get the man some water, would you?
Daphne and Niles are in their house doing yoga. The yogi in almost a whisper gives them instructions.
Ahmrit: And breathe…Daphne, that is an amazing Downward Dog.
Daphne: Thank you.
Niles with knees shaking asks the yoga master.
Niles: What about me, yogi? How does my Downward Dog look?
Ahmrit: Oh, dear. Can we straighten these legs?
Niles: Oh, I wish. Congenitally shortened hamstrings are the curse of the Cranes.
Ahmrit: Well, let’s try a different pose then.
Niles is on his knees.
Ahmrit: Slowly place your left leg between your hands. Pivot your right heal down. Straighten your legs. Put your left arm on your ankle. Raise your right arm, and…triangle pose. Trikona-asana.
Daphne does perfectly as is told, while Niles has his right knee and back bent. Instead of raising his right arm, he has it pointed parallel to the floor with his index finger pointing.
Ahmrit: Niles, just use a block.
Ahmrit takes a block, and positions it for Nile’s to use.
Niles: I don’t need a block.
Ahmrit: Yes, you do.
Niles: No, I really don’t. I don’t like the block. I don’t want to touch…
Ahmrit: Use a block. And breathe…
Ahmrit assists Daphne.
Ahmrit: And slowly bring your back leg up into Half-Moon pose. Now feel your breath leaving your body like a note being blown from a flute.
Daphne: Yes, I feel it.
Niles has his right leg bent, left arm slanted, and index finger pointing.
Niles: I’m a flute, too, yogi.
Ahmrit: Yes, of course, you are.
Ahmrit helps out Niles.
Ahmrit: Let’s straighten that leg, Niles.
Ahmrit struggles to straighten Niles’ leg.
Ahmrit: Straighten it out; there we are.
Niles pulls back, and bends his leg again.
Niles: That feels good. Yeah, okay.
Ahmrit: Let’s try again, Niles. Let’s try and straighten that leg.
Niles: Oh, that’s better.
Ahmrit: You can do it. Straighten that leg. Marvel…
Ahmrit straightens Niles’ leg, but Niles bends it again.
Niles: That’s much better. Okay, okay, all right.
Ahmrit: All right, let’s bend the finger, Niles.
Ahmrit bends Niles’ index finger.
Ahmrit: Let’s bend the finger. Bend the finger.
As soon as Ahmrit bends Niles’ finger, it comes back up.
Daphne: Isn’t tthis wonderful, Niles?
Niles: I love it.
Ahmrit: And breathe, and be completely in this moment. Shut off the outside world entirely.
A cell phone rings. Niles is annoyed. Ahmrit answers his cell phone with his normal voice.
Ahmrit: Oh, hi, Mom. I’m kind of in a middle of something right now. Yes, I’m coming. I told you, I’m bringing the lentils. What do you mean again? You love the lentils.
Ahmrit in his yoga master voice speaks to Niles.
Ahmrit: Niles, straighten the leg. Straighten the leg.
Niles follows Ahmrit’s instructions, but falls down on the floor.
Ahmrit: Okay, child’s pose. That’s good too.
Ahmrit on his normal voice resumes speaking on the phone.
Ahmrit: So what if Jerry brings a different dish to every meal. It doesn’t make him a God. Has Jerry achieved inner peace? I’m just asking, Mom, has Jerry achieved inner peace?
Ahmrit addresses Niles and Daphne in is normal voice.
Ahmrit: I have to take this call. Would you please excuse me?
Daphne swiftly stands straight.
Daphne: Whoa! That was fantastic. I feel so energized.
Niles: Well, you are really good. I hope I’m not holding you back.
Daphne: Oh, no, you’re doing wonderfully. He’s paying you so much attention. I think he sees real potential.
Niles: Oh, you don’t have to soothe my ego. Yoga isn’t about competition. It’s about achieving enlightenment, and integrating your inner and outer lives.
Frasier arrives at Café Nervosa, and walks up to Marty and Kenny.
Kenny: Well, this is awkward. I believe you know Martin.
Marty shakes Frasier’s hand.
Frasier: Yes, we’ve already met. Kenny, there’s no reason to feel awkward. Believe me, I have other things to do with my evening than to share my expertise with someone who could use it. Now, if you’ll excuse me.
Frasier goes up to the bar.
Kenny: So, we still on for McGinty’s tonight?
Marty: Yeah, sure, and Kenny, I’ve been thinking about what you’ve been going through, and I’ve come up with the answer. A suede jacket.
Frasier: Did you hear that? A suede jacket. I must have missed that lecture at Harvard Medical School.
Marty: You look good in it, and women love to feel it. It’s like you’re a feast for all the senses. I used to have a suede coat when I was single. Hester made me put it away, but I’d pull it out whenever we’d have a fight, and in a minute, she’d be purring like a kitten.
Kenny: You should break it out again.
Marty: Whoa-ho! At my age? It would kill me.
Marty and Kenny laugh.
Marty: Hey, you got time to do a little shopping?
Kenny: Sure. I think I got my good credit card with me.
Marty gets up, and makes his way to the door. Kenny follows behind him.
Frasier: Leather won’t cure your problems, Kenny. It’s a temporary high.
Daphne and Niles arrive at Café Nervosa.
Marty: Hi, guys.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, Daphne, hi. Come join me.
Niles gives his order to the barista.
Niles: Two low-fat lattes, a hazelnut biscotti…
Daphne: And one blueberry scone. Oh! Your brother set such a brisk pace walking over here, I could barely keep up with him.
Niles: Now, Daphne. You don’t need to do that.
Daphne: Why not? Shouldn’t I be proud of my husband’s brisk pace?
Niles: Daphne’s trying to build up my ego, because she out-performed me at yoga. It’s not a competition.
Daphne: You see? He’s already mastered the teachings.
The barista arrives with the biscotti.
Daphne: Spiritually, you’re way ahead of me.
Niles: Stop it. Uh, Frasier, wasn’t that your Patient X that was leaving with Dad?
Frasier: Ugh, yes, now my ex-Patient X. Actually, I’d like to discuss it with you if you’ve got a few minutes.
Niles: Well, coincidentally, I just read a fascinating paper on early termination. Well, the hypothesis was…
Daphne: I think I’ll get something to eat.
Niles: Oh, you have something here.
Daphne: Something else.
Niles: Oh, here just have mine.
Daphne: Please, just let me go.
Daphne walks over to the bar.
Niles: So, so, whose decision was it to terminate your sessions?
Niles: I see. Well, uh, early individuation can stem from anything from transfers to delayed adolescent rebellion.
Frasier: If only it were that complicated, Niles.
Niles: What happened?
Frasier: Well, it’s Dad! He’s been taking Kenny to McGinty’s every night. He’s giving him therapy in the form of beer and fun.
Niles: Poor Kenny.
Frasier: I know. I’ve got to do something. I—I—I can’t just stand by while Dad undermines me.
Niles: Oh, just be careful not to turn this into a competition. As analysts, we have to be above that.
Roz: Hey, Niles. I hear Daphne kicked your ass at yoga.
Niles: Oh, yeah? Well, Frasier just lost a patient.
Daphne and Niles are doing yoga again at their house with Ahmrit.
Ahmrit: Nice Bhujangasana, Daphne. And yours is very nice too, Niles. You’re doing so much better this week.
Niles: Thank you. I just did what you suggested, and imagined myself having the reptilian sinuousness of a lizard scuttling across the desert floor.
Ahmrit: I thought I said rain forest.
Niles: You did, but I don’t like the damp.
Ahmrit: This next move is a little trickier. I’ll demonstrate on Daphne.
Ahmrit walks over to Daphne.
Ahrmit: First of all, bring up your knees, like this…
While Daphne is still on the floor lying on her belly, Ahmrit folds her legs such that they are now perpendicular to the floor.
Ahmrit: Now bring your arms back towards your ankles.
Daphne holds her ankles.
Daphne: Ooh! I don’t think I can do this one.
Daphne let’s go of her ankles.
Daphne: It hurts.
Ahmrit: Oh, don’t push. You should be feeling discomfort not pain. If you feel pain, ease yourself gently back towards discomfort.
Niles: Is it something like this, Yogi?
Niles already holding his ankles, pulls his legs towards his body, and successfully does the pose. He bites his lips.
Ahmrit: I’m impressed, Niles. You know, perhaps one day you might e able to achieve Upward Bow…Urdhva Dhanurasana.
Niles: Oh, you mean this one?
Niles from lying on his back, he bends his knees. While his hands are beside his head, he raises up his body like a bow. Ahmrit is surprised.
Niles: Oh, remind me to tell Rosa to vacuum the sisal.
Ahmrit: I’m speechless, Niles. I’ve never seen such a rapid improvement.
Daphne: How did you do that? Oh, I think I tweaked a muscle on that last pose.
Niles: Oh, no. We should put some ice on that.
Daphne: Good idea. I guess we know who’s better at yoga now.
Daphne limps to the kitchen.
Niles: Now, Daphne, there’s no “better.” It’s all about achieving oneness of body and spirit.
Ahmrit walks over to Niles who’s still on the Upward Bow pose.
Niles: Okay, now, I need you to take me to the hospital.
Niles slowly lies down on the floor.
Niles: I broke my body. I dislocated my shoulder and I think that one of my ribs has achieved two-ness.
Ahmrit helps Niles up. Daphne returns.
Daphne: What’s going on?
Niles: Ahmrit and I were just going to go out and get a Chai tea. Can we get you one?
Daphne: No, thanks.
Daphne with an ice pack on her hip walks up the stairs.
Daphne: You’re amazing! You have so much energy.
Niles: Ah, well. You know what they say…
Niles turns to Ahmrit.
Niles: Quickly, quickly.
Ahmrit: Just imagine the pain leaving your body like a wips of smoke.
Niles: If you could get the door, I’m starting to hemorrhage. Namaste.
--McGINTY’S: GOOD FOOD, GOOD FUN, BAD SECURITY—
Frasier arrives at McGinty’s, and approaches Kenny and Marty.
Marty: Hey! What are you doing here, Fras?
Frasier: Just thought maybe the three of us can have a little chat.
Kenny stands up as a woman approaches him.
Marty: Hey, Doc. This is Trudy.
Frasier: Ah. Delighted. I’m sure.
Kenny: I’d love to stay and chat, Doc, but, uh, me and Trudy have a dinner date with the Colonel.
Kenny winks at Frasier.
Frasier: Well, if you think you’re ready for that.
Kenny: Well, I’m not hungry now, but I probably will be when we get there.
Kenny: See you guys later.
Trudy: Nice to meet you.
Frasier: Likewise, I’m sure. Have a great time!
Kenny gives Frasier a thumbs up as he walks towards the door.
Kenny: He’s doomed.
Marty: What are you talking about? He scored and she’s a cheap date.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, please. He is not ready for a relationship. How could you let him do something like that?
Marty: Don’t blame me for that; it was the jacket. He wasn’t here ten minutes before she wanted to touch it.
Frasier: You know what? All you’re doing is allowing him to wallow in his state of denial, and what if she rejects him, hmm? The man already has abandonment issues.
Marty: Oh, would you cut out the psychological mumbo-jumbo? Let the guy have a good time.
Frasier: What did you just say?
Marty: I said let the guy have some fun.
Frasier: No, before that. You said “psychological mumbo-jumbo.” So that’s how you characterize my life’s work?
Marty: I’m just saying I don’t think therapy is for everybody. Like Kenny—he just needed to loosen up.
Frasier: Oh, really. So tell me, Dr. Party Hardy Marty…who in your expert opinion, does need therapy?
Marty: Well, Hitler.
Marty: Yes, and that woman with all the different personalities, um…Sybil.
Frasier: Hitler! And Sybil. Anyone else?
Frasier: Great! An entire science devoted to Hitler and Sybil. Do you believe that Niles and I have been wasting our lives? Do you think Mom wasted her life?
Marty: Now, you calm down, Frasier. I’m just saying that you overcomplicate things. Yes, Kenny needed to talk out some problems, but he didn’t need to analyze every moment of his childhood. That’s when it gets into the mumbo-jumbo.
Frasier: I’m just trying to get to the root of his problems.
Marty: Well, you know what? I think you needed to give therapy more than he did to get it.
Frasier: And you know what I think? I think I’m finished listening to you.
Frasier gets up his chair, and sits back again.
Frasier: All right, maybe I did enjoy it. Look, it’s what I was trained to do. It’s what I love to do, and I still think I was doing Kenny some good.
Marty: Well, Frasier, you know, Kenny’s not the only one with mental problems.
Frasier: And what is that supposed to mean?
Marty: Well, it means you can start seeing other patients.
Frasier: Oh, right, right. Well, I’ve, I’ve thought about that.
Marty: Why not if you love it?
Frasier: You know, perhaps I could start seeing people a couple a nights a week. I could even convert Daphne’s old room into an office.
Marty: Well, if you do, while they’re waiting, they’re watching what I want to watch.
Kenny returns to McGinty’s his shirt untucked, and without a jacket.
Kenny: Hey guys.
Frasier and Marty: Kenny!
Marty: What happened?
Frasier: Are you all right?
Kenny: I don’t think Trudy and I are a fit. When we got to the parking lot her boyfriend pushed me down, and took my jacket.
Marty: Aw. I’m sorry.
Kenny: I feel such a loser.
Marty: No. You’re not a loser, and if you need to talk about this Frasier’s pretty good at this sort of thing.
Frasier smiles at his dad.
Frasier: Well, Kenny, I tell you what, whenever you’re ready, okay? For the time being, why don’t you let a couple of buddies get you a beer, okay? Uh…
Frasier signals to the bartender.
Kenny: Thanks. You know it’s too bad that Trudy was just setting me up to get mugged, because up to that point, we were really cooking. Well, here’s to dating!
Kenny raises his mug, and drinks the rest of his beer.
Marty wears his old suede jacket that’s now too small for him. He buttons just the top button, and shows it to Frasier. Frasier gives him a thumbs up.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Kenny on the Couch” episode was written by Bob Daily. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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