Sunday, September 18, 2011

Mr. Monk Can’t See A Thing – Monk Transcript 5.4

Mr Monk Can't See A ThingRusty arrives at the Fire Station bringing with him a tray of sandwiches.

Rusty: All right, gentlemen! Here they are. Get them while they’re warm.
Fireman #1: Hey, Rusty, what’s in these? In case my doctor needs to know.
Rusty: Let me tell you wise guys something when I was on payroll, we respected our elders. I come in here, I volunteer, do I get a “Thank you, Rusty”? No! I get jokes, and they aren’t even funny jokes. They’re old and stale!
Captain: Come on, Rusty, we all love you, you know that. Look, I’m eating one.  Continue reading...

Adrian Monk arrives at the Fire Station carrying with him a container filled with smoke detectors.

Monk: Hey! Hey, Karl with a “K.”
Karl: Mr. Monk.
Captain: Oh, hell, he’s back.
Monk: Hey, Chucky, you…you missed a spot. Captain! Can you believe it’s been a year already?
Captain: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you, you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Monk: Yeah, I know, I know, but I’d rather you guys did it. You’re the experts, right?

The fire station alarm sounds

Captain: House fire. Three alarm. Mr. Monk, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to wait.
Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Captain: Sir, there’s a house burning down five blocks away. Don’t you think that should take priority right now?
Monk: Uh…
Captain: Don’t you?

Mr. Monk turns to Rusty.

Monk: I don’t know.
Captain: Let’s go!

All of the firemen at the station leave.

Monk: Okay, but I don’t have all day.

Rusty smokes a tobacco, and helps Mr. Monk test his smoke detectors.

Rusty: How many rooms do you have?
Monk: Five.
Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors for five rooms?
Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say, “You can’t be too careful.” Never say that again.

A man arrives at the Fire Station.

Rusty: Excuse me.

The man ignores Rusty.

Rusty: Hello?

Rusty follows the man, and sees him by the rack of fireman’s coats.

Rusty: Hey, you’re not allowed back here.

The man grabs a shovel, and hits Rusty on the head with it.

Monk: Rusty? Rusty?

Adrian Monk runs over to Rusty.

Monk: Hey!

The man attacks Monk with the shovel, but Monk manages to evade it, and grab a shovel for himself. Monk attacks the man, but the attacker grabs hold of a container with liquid in it, and throws the liquid at Monk’s face. Adrian Monk screams in pain.

Monk: Oh, God! Oh, God!

Natalie Teeger arrives at the Fire Station.

Natalie: Hello? Mr. Monk?

Natalie finds Mr. Monk on the floor squirming in pain, his hands still rubbing his eyes.

Natalie: Oh, my God, Mr. Monk! Oh, my God. Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Monk: Yeah. Uh, is Rusty okay? Check on Rusty.

Natalie checks Rusty’s pulse.

Natalie: I think he’s dead. What happened?
Monk: I don’t know. There was a man. I tried to stop him.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it’s okay, it’s all over now. You can open your eyes.
Monk: Uh.
Natalie: Oh, my God.

Natalie talks on her cellphone.

Natalie: Captain Stottlemeyer, please, it’s an emergency!
Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: Don’t say anything. It’s okay, just sit over there, all right? There’s a chair right there.
Monk: Where, where, where?
Natalie: Right over there.

Monk looks around.

Monk: Natalie, I…I can’t see it.

Monk is at the UCSF Medical Center getting his eyes checked with Leland Stottlemeyer, Randy Disher, and Natalie Teeger.

Stottlemeyer: So, how’s it look, Doc?
Doctor: Uh, okay. The liquid that hit him was a mixture of detergent and muriatic acid. Both of his corneas have been scarred, and there is nerve damage.
Stottlemeyer: Which means what exactly?
Doctor: It’s hard to say. Sometimes the tissue grows back by itself, and sometimes it doesn’t.
Natalie: Shhh…it’s okay, Mr. Monk. He’s afraid of the dark.
Doctor: Well, he might have to get used to it, at least for a while. Excuse me.
Disher: Monk?
Monk: Huh?
Disher: It’s Randy! I’m speaking to you. I’m standing right in front of you.

Randy waves his hand in front of Monk’s face.

Disher: Now I’m squatting I’m about eye-level. I just want you to know that we’re gonna find the man who did this to you. I’m gonna work on this case 24/7. I don’t care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. Uh, my niece is getting confirmed, and there’s a reception the night before, so I’m probably gonna need…

Randy turns to Captain Stottlemeyer.

Disher: I’m probably gonna need that whole weekend off, actually…
Stottlemeyer: Randy.
Disher: So from the 11th to the 13th…
Stottlemeyer: Randy. I didn’t think this was possible, but you’re making this situation worse.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher walk away. Adrian Monk groans.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you know this is a top hospital. They’re gonna do everything they can. You can’t give up. There’s always hope.
Monk: There’s never hope.

At the police station, Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher are in blindfolds.

Woman: This is something we do at the School for the Blind. It’s called an empathy exercise. We use it to help families and friends understand what their loved ones are going through. How do you feel right now?
Stottlemeyer: I feel helpless, and out of control.
Disher: Yeah, I feel disoriented.
Stottlemeyer: Even more than usual?
Woman: This is how your friend Adrian’s feeling 24 hours a day. He has to relearn everything, even things he’s done a thousand times. For example, you’ve spent a lot of time here, in the station, you both probably know it pretty well.
Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Woman: I want you to find the water cooler, and pour yourself a cup of water.

Randy jumps to his feet, and starts looking for the water cooler.

Stottlemeyer: Piece of cake.

Randy hits the blinds of the office.

Captain Stottlemeyer stands up, and slowly walks in search of the water cooler. Randy is now outside of the Captain’s office, and hits a desk almost toppling a computer monitor. Randy continues walking, and feels another detective standing by the filing cabinet, and whispers to him.

Disher: Where’s the cooler?

Randy walks and hits another detective’s desk.

Disher: Sorry, sorry.
Stottlemeyer: We’re doing an empathy exercise.

Captain Stottlemeyer walks slowly feeling the corner of a wall when Randy Disher bumps into him.

Stottlemeyer: Hey!

Randy pulls up his blindfold, and points at the Captain who has started to look up, trying to get a peak from under his blindfold.

Disher: He’s cheating.
Stottlemeyer: How does he know I’m cheating unless he’s cheating.

Randy turns and sees the water cooler. He puts his blindfold back on, and walks hurriedly to it.

Disher: I won!
Woman: Lieutenant, this isn’t a competition.
Disher: Well, I know, but if it was a competition, I would have been the winner.

Randy, still blindfolded, pours himself water, but the cup is not under the nozzle. Captain Stottlemeyer pushes his hand so the cup catches the water.

Woman: There’s a trick you can teach your friend. If you stick your finger over the edge of the cup, it won’t overflow.
Stottlemeyer: Ms. Stein, you’ve never met Adrian Monk.

Captain Stottlemeyer takes the cup overflowing with water from Randy hand.

Stottlemeyer: He’s not gonna be sticking fingers in any cups. He’d sooner die of thirst. The thing is, this guy is really fragile to begin with. I just don’t see how he’s going to be able to function at all.
Woman: Then it’s up to you to make him function. Get him back to work. That’s the best medicine.
Stottlemeyer: Back to work?

Randy puts his arm on top of the cooler, and topples down the paper cups on top of it.

Adrian Monk is at his house holding photo frames.

Monk: Okay, which one is this?
Natalie: Uh, the one with the balloon.
Monk: Oh, yeah. I love that one.

Monk puts it bank on the fireplace mantle.

Monk: Is it straight?
Natalie: It’s perfect.
Monk: I’ll never see her face again.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, don’t say that.
Monk: Am I crying?
Natalie: No.
Monk: Huh, it feels like I’m crying. It feels like I’m crying all the time. Natalie, my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on. Get another job.
Natalie: I am not going anywhere. Look at me. Sorry. Your life is not over. You could still do anything. There’ve been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Monk: Like who?
Natalie: Like Ray Charles! And, um, you know…
Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: You know…uh, I mean, come on. Uh, um, uh, Mr. Magoo.
Monk: Who’s that?
Natalie: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um, an inventor.
Monk: Really?
Natalie: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie: I don’t want to talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Monk: Me neither.

There’s a knock on the door.

Stottlemeyer: Hello? Door’s open.
Monk: Captain.
Stottlemeyer: Hey! How’s he doing?

Captain Stottlemeyer waves his hand in front of Monk.

Natalie: Uh, oh, oh, gosh, he’s doing great. He’s just great.

Natalie gives Stottlemeyer a thumbs down.

Natalie: I’m so proud of him.
Stottlemeyer: Good. Good. Listen, Monk, I’m on my way over to the firehouse, I want you to come along.
Monk: What for? I gave the lieutenant my statement.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know, I just thought that maybe you might see something.
Monk: Somehow I doubt that.
Stottlemeyer: You know what I mean. Look, Monk, even in this condition, you’re still the best detective I know.
Natalie: Exactly. I think it’s a great idea.
Monk: Oh, you don’t mean that, you’re just trying to cheer me up.
Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn’t only about you. This is a homicide investigation. A fireman was killed.
Monk: Rusty?
Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a stand-up guy. He’d been on that engine for thirty-five years, and I’m gonna nail the sone of the bitch that killed him, and you’re going to help me.
Monk: Leland, I can’t! I can’t…
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I’m not asking you. Natalie, get him up.
Natalie: Come on, you heard the Captain.
Monk: Okay, I’m coming, I’m coming. Listen, don’t expect too much from me. I’m no Mr. Magoo.
Natalie: Let’s go.
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo.
Natalie: You know, Magoo, the famous inventor. Oh!
Stottlemeyer: Magoo.

Everybody at the firehouse watches Adrian Monk as he surveys the area.

Monk: Uh-huh, now, the table is here.
Stottlemeyer: No, Monk. The table is here.

The Captain walks Monk over to the table.

Monk: Right. Which puts the pole right there.

Monk points at the wrong direction, and Stottlemeyer directs him to the right one.

Stottlemeyer: Pole’s there.
Monk: I can’t do this.
Natalie: You can do this. You can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? Uh, just try to picture the room. You can do this. You have an amazing memory.
Monk: Oh right, I forgot about my amazing memory.
Stottlemeyer: Look, what we can’t figure is what the guy was doing here, what was he looking for?
Monk: Is anything missing?
Captain: I don’t think so. There’s nothing here worth taking. No money, nothing. It just doesn’t make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, let’s do this. Here, have a seat.

Adrian Monk sits down, but the chair is to his left. Stottlemeyer catches him before he falls on the ground, and pulls the chair.

Stottlemyer: You and Rusty were sitting here. You were checking the smoke detectors.
Monk: Right. Right, and then this man entered from over there. And he walked around the truck, slowly, like he was trying not to be noticed.
Disher: Monk? Lieutenant Randy Disher. I’m speaking to you again…
Stottlemeyer: Randy, you don’t need to tell the man that you’re speaking to him.
Disher: Yes, sir. Okay, you know who this is, and you know I’m speaking to you, and in your statement, you said that you could hear him, that his shoes were squeaking.
Monk: That’s right.
Disher: That he was tall, maybe 6’1”, heavyset, with sandy hair, wearing a leather jacket.
Monk: Right. That’s right, and then Rusty…Rusty walked over to him, around the back of the truck. Then I heard this big noise. Then I walked around the truck.

Monk starts walking. Disher pushes him before he hits a column.

Monk: Went around the back. The truck.

Adrian Monk feels for the truck.

Monk: Where is the truck?
Stottlemeyer: The truck’s been moved, Monk, you’re good, you’re good.
Monk: Then I saw Rusty on the floor, and the guy was holding a shovel in his hands.
Disher: You said you could smell him. He’d been drinking.
Monk: Rum. He smelled like rum.
Stottlemeyer: We got that, Randy: Is there anything else, anything new? Anything you forgot to mention?
Monk: No, he grabbed the container, and he just threw the solvent in my eyes. That was the last thing I saw. Oh, my God, it was the last thing I saw.

Monk moves his arm, and hits the police tape. He panics, and become tied with the tape.

Monk: Is it off?

Monk feels the tape on his arm, and swings it wildly to remove it.

Natalie: Yeah, it’s off.
Monk: Can I go home now?
Natalie: Yes, you can go home now.

Monk tries to walk away. Natalie walks to his aid.

Natalie: Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Step, step, step, step, step, here, here, step down. I got you.

Natalie walks Monk. Monk brushes through the rack of fireman’s coats.

Monk: Wait, wait a second.
Natalie: What?
Monk: Wait a minute.
Natalie: What is it?

Monk feels the rack.

Monk: There’s a coat missing here.
Stottlemeyer: A coat?
Monk: There were six coats hanging right here.
Captain: He’s right. There’s one missing.
Detective: He came in to steal a coat, and he’s willing to kill for it?
Stottlemeyer: It doesn’t make any sense to me, either, but it’s something. We find that coat. We find our guy.
Natalie: See? You’re amazing!
Disher: Hey, high five.

Lt. Disher raises his hand.

Disher: All right, good work.

Monk arrives at the police station with a cane for the blind.

Natalie: Good, good, good. All right. Okay, see, there you go, you don’t need me at all.

Monk extends his hand to touch a lamp, and gets burned.

Monk: Ow!
Natalie: Oh, gosh, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t see it.
Monk: Join the club.
Disher: Hey, how’s he doing?
Natalie: Oh, um, we just got back from the hospital. They’re very optimistic.

Natalie says the opposite in her hand gestures.

Disher: You mean pessimistic.
Natalie: No, they’re very optimistic.
Disher: Then why are you shaking your head? Oh!
Natalie: So what’s so important, Randy?
Disher: I think we got him. We just picked up a guy in Rockaway, and he was wearing he fireman’s coat. He’s in the bullpen.
Natalie: Who is he?
Disher: A guy named Colbert. Jake Colbert. He’s a drifter. He lives out by the beach. You think you can ID him?
Monk: Oh, I don’t know how. Maybe you haven’t heard. I am blind.
Natalie: But you’ll do the best you can, right? You’re not gonna give up just because you’ve been dealt a bad hand.
Monk: Oh, have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn’t know, because I’m blind!
Stottlemeyer: Monk, hey, I like the cane. You look kind of dapper.
Natalie: So you found the guy?
Stottlemeyer: We found a guy. He’s the right height, he doesn’t have an alibi, and he was wearing the missing coat.
Natalie: Did his shoes squeak?
Stottlemeyer: Don’t know, he was barefoot when we picked him up. But it doesn’t matter because we don’t need shoes, because I’ve got an eyewitness.
Monk: So to speak.
Stottlemeyer: Jake Colbert, this is Adrian Monk. We’re here to figure out if you two met at Fire Company 53, last Sunday.
Jake: Nah, never seen him before in my life. I told you, man, I found that coat in a dumpster. Behind a restaurant on Vinton Street.
Stottlemeyer: Is he the guy?
Monk: I can’t tell. The guy at the firehouse never said a word.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. Well, you know what we have to do. You have to feel the man’s face.
Monk: What? No. No, Leland, please. I can’t, God, I can’t.
Stottlemeyer: You’re the only witness I got.
Monk: He’s a drifter.
Stottlemeyer: So what?
Monk: I have lived my whole life without feeling a drifter’s face. I’ve always been very proud of that. Even on my worst day I could tell myself, “At least I didn’t feel a drifter’s face.”
Stottlemeyer: This could be the man that killed Rusty and blinded you. I am not letting him or you walk out of here until I’m sure.
Monk: Oh, God.
Stottlemeyer: Come on.

Monk feels the man’s face. He groans. Monk feels a huge wart on the man’s face. He scratches it, and even tries to flick it away.

Jake: That’s a wart.
Monk: Oh, God! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
Natalie: Yes, yes.
Monk: Wipe!
Natalie: Right here, right here, right here.

Monk wipes his hand, and throws the wipe angrily on the floor.

Monk: He’s not the guy.
Jake: I’ve been trying to tell you. I found that coat in a dumpster. I get cold at night. I sleep in a cardboard box at the beach. My life sucks.
Monk: What are you complaining about? At least you can see.
Jake: Oh, I’ve got plenty to complain about. Don’t get me started. I’ve got a nine-year-old dog that needs a new kidney.
Monk: I had a bucket of acid thrown in my face. I think I win.
Jake: I haven’t had a hot meal in three years.
Monk: My wife is dead.
Jake: So is mine.
Monk: Car bomb.
Jake: Pneumonia.
Monk: Natalie, car bomb of pneumonia?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don’t know.
Jake: Yeah, I’ll bet your wife didn’t suffer.
Monk: Trudy lived for twenty minutes in pain, alone. You, you’re an amateur. Come back when you got something. Who’s next? Huh? Come on, anybody! You’re looking at the most miserable man on Earth! Oh, hey, you. How about you? How about you? You want a piece of me? I’ll take you all on at the same time. I can’t lose. I can’t lose.

Adrian Monk is lying on his bed when the phone rings. He lets the answering machine pick it up.

Monk on Machine: This is Adrian…Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise, please speak into the telephone receiver, and leave a message, which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message, and here is the beep I was talking about.

The machine beeps.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, it’s Dr. Kroger again. I know you’re there, so please pick up. Adrian, you missed your 10;30, and your 3:30. Adrian, you can’t stay in your house forever.
Monk: Wanna bet?
Dr. Kroger: I know you, Adrian. You’re probably lying on your bed feeling sorry for yourself. You can’t just give up. There are people out there who really need you. Come on, Adrian. You have to get up. Get out of bed. Come on, you can do it, here we go. That’s right, come on, come on, up and at ‘em. Okay, go on, come on, come.

Monk is with Natalie, Captain Stottlemeyer, and Lt. Disher at an alley.

Stottlemeyer: This must be it.
Monk: Describe it.
Stottlemeyer: Oh you know, Monk, it’s the Tenderloin. We’re right in the heart of wino land. We’re standing in an alley, behind a bar, in front of a standard issue dumpster, probably about three cubic yards. It is filled with garbage. Broken bottles, cardboard boxes.
Disher: Monk? Randy Disher speaking. I’m opening my notebook. Hold on, I can’t find my…I can’t find my notebook.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Disher: I’m checking my pockets. Patting my pockets. Ah! Found the notebook. Opening notebook. Yeah, according to Mr. Colbert, he was hear 5pm last Sunday collecting bottles, he found the fireman’s coat in the dumpster.
Monk: Five o’clock? That’s just three hours after Rusty was killed.
Disher: He also said he found a fireman’s helmet, which he gave to a couple of kids.
Monk: He kills a man for a fireman’s coat, and he throws it away a couple of hours later? That makes no sense.

There’s squeaking. Two rats are in the garbage can.

Natalie: Ugh! Oh!
Monk: Oh, God, I’m glad I didn’t see that. Natalie.
Natalie: Yeah.

Monk chuckles.

Monk: Natalie, I’m glad I didn’t see that.
Natalie: Yeah.
Monk: This is an alley, right? It must be pretty filthy.
Natalie: Yeah, it’s disgusting.
Monk: I’d probably hate this place.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, you wouldn’t last five minute here. There’s cockroaches…
Stottlemeyer: There’s a dead cat right over there.
Monk: Natalie, it doesn’t bother me. Nothing bothers me. It’s great! I can’t see anything. I don’t see any of it.

Captain Stottlemeyer puts a lid on the garbage can with rats.

Monk: This could really work for me.
Stottlemeyer: I hate this neighborhood. I was stuck her for three hours, Sunday. The house that burned down was just around the corner.
Monk: Hold on, hold on, the fire on Sunday was right here in this very neighborhood?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the woman who was killed, she fell asleep smoking a cigarette in front of the TV.
Monk: I don’t think so. No, no, there has to be a connection between that fire, and what happened to Rusty. Okay, let’s go. Come on, people. Come on. We got a case to solve.

Monk starts walking.

Natalie: Dead cat on your left!

Monk is at the burnt house going through the burnt things.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, you want some gloves?
Monk: Don’t need them. Out of sight. Out of mind. Oh, excuse me, blind man walking.
Stottlemeyer: Excuse me.
Monk: Is this the living room?
Stottlemeyer: That’s right. She was on the couch.
Natalie: Which is on your right.
Stottlemeyer: Whoa!
Monk: Oh, whoa! Whoa!
Stottlemeyer: Easy. Yeah, she’s on the couch she’s watching TV, she’s smoking, she’s drinking, she falls asleep, cigarette falls on a pile of newspapers and whoosh! At least that’s the official version.

Monk bumps into a bottle. He picks it up, and smells it.

Monk: Rum. Rum. Rum. Who was she?
Disher: Disher opening file. Stefanie Preston, 27, she was a temp. Last job, Peter Breen Construction. Lived here alone.
Monk: I don’t think she lives here alone at least not every night. There’s a bottle of men’s cologne in the bathroom, two toothbrushes, two different types of toothpaste.
Stottlemeyer: She had a boyfriend.

Monk feels the top of the coffee table.

Monk: Oh, there was something here. Oh, something etched in the glass, shape of an animal. A donkey or a horse.

Stottlemeyer looks at the etching.

Stottlemeyer: It looks like a horse.

Monk bumps into something on the coffee table.

Monk: Oh, whoa, what’s this?
Stottlemeyer: TV remote. At least it was.
Monk: Okay, if she was watching TV from over there, why was the remote way over here?
Disher: I don’t know.
Monk: I think I do. Captain, here’s what happened.

Flashback ensues. The man pushes the woman on the couch, and strangles her.

Monk: somebody killed her, probably strangled her…

Flashback: The man pours alcohol all over the living room, and lights the newspapers on fire.

Monk: Then made it look like she fell asleep on the couch.

Flashback: The fire truck, sirens blaring, arrives.

Monk: Probably walked away then he stopped. He realized he forgot something, something inside the house.
Stottlemeyer: What was it?
Monk: I don’t know. Probably metal, something that would survive the fire, something that could be traced back to him. Whatever it was, he had to get it back. But how? The house was on fire. The trucks were already here. The place was surrounded.

Flashback: The man walks inside the firehouse ignoring Rusty and Monk.

Stottlemeyer: He needed a fireman’s coat.
Monk: Exactly. That’s what he was doing in the firehouse! That’s why he stole the coat. They came back here. He looked like one of the guys. Nobody noticed him. Nobody questioned him.

Flashback: The man in fireman’s gear enters the scene of the fire.

Monk: He walked right past them, came inside…
Stottlemeyer: Grabbed whatever it was he left behind. Not bad for a blind guy.

Monk standing in front of an entryway talks at it.

Monk: I’m back, baby!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you’re talking to a doorjamb.

Monk with his hand covered with grease puts his forefinger on his temple.

Monk: I’m back.

Adrian Monk is at Dr. Kroger’s office.

Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, I just don’t know what to say. After you got the diagnosis, you were so despondent.
Monk: Was I?
Dr. Kroger: Yes. You were catatonic, you were sitting here sobbing, because you thought you’d never be able to look at Trudy’s photos again.
Monk: All I know is, I’ve never been happier. I am at peace. Dig this.
Dr. Kroger: Dig this?
Monk: Yesterday, the School for the Blind sent over a woman to teach me how to get around. She wanted me to count the steps from my front door to the street. I said, “Sweetheart, I’ve been counting those steps for five years. Forty-four.” So you see, I have been preparing to be blind my whole life.
Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, what about your work?
Monk: My work? My work’s great. I’d say I’m operating at or just below, Magoo level.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I have to tell you I’m a little concerned. Now, there are five stages of grief, and I think you’ve already leapfrogged over at least the first three of them, and I think any doctor…
Monk: I’m sorry to interrupt. I was just thinking. You could be naked right now, and it wouldn’t bother me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I’m not naked.
Monk: But you could…
Dr. Kroger: Look, Adrian, I think that you’re using this condition as an excuse to cut yourself off from the real world even more than usual, and the pendulum will swing back.
Monk: I don’t think so.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, it will! This is what pendulums do. You could come crashing down. It would be very painful. I just refuse to believe that you’re happy. Genuinely happy having lost your eyesight!
Monk: It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, okay, fine. Well then, why don’t we get some earplugs, and some nose plugs, and then you can just cut yourself off completely from the world.
Monk: Yeah.
Dr. Kroger: Or maybe we could arrange to have you put into a coma.
Monk: Well, let’s try the earplug thing first.

Captain Stottlemeyer, Lt. Disher, Monk and Natalie are at a construction site.

Contractor: Stefanie what?
Disher: Preston. She worked in your office until last week?
Contractor: I remember her. Stefanie, nice kid. Hey, you mind if we talk while we walk? Time is money, and frankly, I don’t have enough of either. Hey, Mr. Monk! You might want to wait in the trailer. It’s probably a lot safer for you. Ground’s a little rough out here.
Monk: No, no, don’t, uh, worry about me. I just want to be treated like everybody else.

A worker approaches the contractor to have something signed.

Contractor: Make sure the electrical inspector gets a copy, all right?
Worker: You got it.
Stottlemeyer: So what could you tell us about her?
Contractor: Uh, not much. She was a temp. She was here for maybe eight weeks. My regular girl was away on maternity leave. You said there was a fire?
Stottlemeyer: That’s right.
Contractor: That’s terrible. It’s heartbreaking.
Monk: Mr. Breen, how well did you know her?
Breen: I didn’t really know her at all.

Adrian Monk feels for a wall.

Natalie: My gosh!

Natalie pulls Mr. Monk away from the barbed wires.

Monk: What is wrong with you?
Natalie: What? There’s barbed wire, you’re gonna cut yourself.
Monk: I’m not going to cut myself. I have a radar.
Natalie: A radar?
Monk: Yes. I feel it now, it’s like a sixth sense. I’m like a bat in a cave. You now, they swoop around, but they never hit the walls.
Natalie: Well, I don’t think our radar is working.

Natalie walks away.

Monk: It’s…listen to me.

Monk walks up to a pipe.

Monk: It’s working fine, okay? I am a swooping bat. My antenna is tingling all the time.
Natalie: Hey, swooping bat guy, I’m over here.

Natalie pulls Monk to the join them.

Stottlemeyer: Stay with the group. Have you ever been to Stefanie Preston’s house?
Breen: Why would I go to her house?
Stottlemeyer: She was a very attractive woman.
Breen: Yeah, and so is my wife.
Disher: Is that your Ferrari out there?
Breen: That’s one of them.
Disher: You like it? I’m thinking about getting one myself. It’s either between that or the Ford Festiva.
Stottlemeyer: Where were you Sunday afternoon?
Breen: Ah, Sunday, I was here, onsite, meeting with the architect and construction manager.

A worker arrives.

Worker: Hey, boss, I got that work order. Oh, and I still have those keys.
Breen: Uh, Eddie, we’re a little busy right now. You know what? We’ll take care of that later. Gentlemen?

Eddie walks away, and his shoes squeaked as he walked away.

The Captain, Disher, and Natalie follow Mr. Breen. Monk is left behind.

Monk: Captain. Captain? Captain. Listen to that.

Monk taps on the arm of a construction worker with headphones on.

Monk: Squeaky shoes. That’s the guy. Come on.

Adrian Monk follows the sound of the squeaking shoes. Natalie notices that Mr. Monk is no longer with them.

Natalie: Mr. Monk?

Eddie notices that he’s being followed. He enters a room, and Monk follows him inside.

Monk: this way, definitely this way.

Eddie stands still, and watches Monk as he struggles to navigate the room.

Eddie: Can I help you?

Monk feels the man’s face.

Monk: It’s the guy, Captain.

Eddie walks over to a tool cabinet, and takes out a huge nail gun.

Monk: Captain? You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent, although I’d prefer if you didn’t.

Eddie points the gun on Monk’s shoulder.

Monk: Captain? Captain!

Eddie removes the safety lock. Monk swings his cane hitting Eddie on the face. Eddie groans, and falls on the ground. Monk continues to swing his cane, and falls on the floor himself. He reaches to get the man’s ID. Monk gets up, and continues to swing his cane. He runs, and hits a tool cabinet. Monk begins throwing things, and hits Eddie on the head with one of them. Monk runs outside the room, and into a corridor.

Monk: Help! Somebody!

Monk hides behind a wall. Eddie does not see him, and runs up the stairs. Monk enters another room, and finds an out of order elevator. Monk enters the elevator, and turns it on. The elevator moves up and down a few inches off the ground before stopping. Eddie continues up the stairs. The elevator stops a feet off the ground without leaving the floor where Monk boarded it. Monk steps out on to a beam lying on the floor of the room. Construction workers walk by, but nobody says a word. Monk walks on the I-beam, and balances to prevent himself from falling.

Monk: My…God! Help! Help, help! Somebody! Up here! Help! Help!

Monk loses grip of his cane, and it falls on the floor.

Monk: Heads up! I can’t breathe. The air is so thin. Oh, God!

Monk loses his balance, and he almost falls off the I-beam, but manages to grab on to a column.

Monk: Help me!
Natalie: Mr. Monk?

Natalie runs to the room followed by Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Monk: Oh, God.

Natalie grabs Mr. Monk.

Monk: Natalie?
Natalie: Yes?
Monk: Are you flying?
Natalie: Oh, here. Mr. Monk, I got you, I got you. Just take a step down.
Monk: No, no.
Natalie: Just a little step.
Stottlemeyer: It’s okay we got you.

Monk takes a step down the I-beam.

Natalie: There you go. There you go. There you go. There you go.
Stottlemeyer: You’re okay. You’re okay.

Monk hugs Stottlemeyer.

Natalie: Oh, my God, Mr. Monk. What were you doing?
Monk: Oh, my God. The guy. The guy, the guy who killed Rusty, he’s…with the squeaky shoes. He’s here.

Monk takes out Eddie’s I.D. from his inside suit pocket.

Monk: He’s here.
Disher: Eddie Murdoch.

Eddie screams as he falls down the building.

Eddie: No!

Stottlemeyer and Disher run to see what has happened. Monk is startled.

Natalie: Here, here, I got you.

Lt. Disher takes the man’s wallet.

Disher: It’s him. It’s Eddie Murdoch! Must have been up there looking for you and slipped.
Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess that’s it. Case closed.

Adrian Monk is at the hospital with Natalie, Capt. Stottlemeyer, and Lt. Disher.

Doctor: I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I’m cautiously optimistic.

Monk moans.

Doctor: Is that how he takes good news?
Natalie: Yeah, it is.
Doctor: Look, if you could just stick around for a bit, I’d like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.
Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Doctor. We’ll be here.
Natalie: Isn’t that great? She sounded so hopeful.
Monk: Hope. I hate hope’s guts.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened to all your confidence?
Monk: I don’t know, Leland, maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground. I’m so pathetic. I’m half the man I was, which was three-quarters of a man, so now I’m…
Disher: Five-sixteenths of a man.
Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Disher: Oh, no, wait. Three-eighths of a man.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, would you quit whining? The bad guy’s on a slab downstairs, we get to go home. In my book, that’s a good day.
Disher: And, Monk, he is definitely the guy. I just came back from his house, and we found the clothes he was wearing when he set the fire. They were in a laundry hamper covered with soot.
Natalie: You guys, I’m sorry, I have to go. I have to go get Julie.
Stottlemeyer: You kids take off, I’ll stay here with Captain Sunshine.
Disher: Hey, can I drop you off? New wheels.

Disher shows them his keys.

Natalie: Oh, so you went with the Ford.

Disher swings keys such that it makes a noise.

Disher: Yeah, I didn’t like the way the Ferrari handled or the way they turned down my credit application.

Monk feels the key chain.

Disher: Yeah, cool, huh?

Disher lets Monk feel the keys.

Disher: I went with the four-cylinder instead of the six. It’s quicker. OH, and white, with tan cloth interior. Leather makes me sweat. Yeah, I need those.

Disher takes the keys from Monk.

Natalie: All right, we got to go, we got to go. Okay, bye Mr. Monk, we’ll see you tomorrow.

Natalie and Randy leave.

Monk: Why did he do it?
Stottlemeyer: Why did who do what?
Monk: Why did Eddie Murdoch kill that girl?
Stottlemeyer: Since when does a creep need a reason?
Monk: You remember when we were talking to Peter Breen, Murdoch came walking up. Do you remember what he said?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, he said, “I still have those keys.”

Flashback: Eddie pulls out the keys with the horse key chain.

Monk: Peter Breen drives a Ferrari, right?
Stottlemeyer: That’s right.
Monk: What do their key chains look like?
Stottlemeyer: It’s a rearing horse.

Flashback: The coffee table is on fire, and the car key with its key chain is on top of it.

Stottlemeyer: The impression on the coffee table, those were Breen’s keys.
Monk: You said Murdoch’s body’s on a slab?
Stottlemeyer: Downstairs.

Stottlemeyer followed by Monk enters the morgue.

Stottlemeyer: Hello? Well, we’ve got the place to ourselves, so to speak.
Monk: Do you see him? Do you see Eddie Murdoch?
Stottlemeyer: No, not yet.
Monk: What do you see?
Stottlemeyer: Uh, people, bloated, laying around, not talking. It’s kind of like Thanksgiving at my ex-wife’s house. So you think the keys were still in his pocket?
Monk: It’s worth a shot. Eddie Murdoch killed Stefanie Preston, there’s no question about that. It wasn’t his idea. His boss paid him to do it.
Stottlemeyer: So Breen was having the affair?
Monk: Exactly. He had keys to her house, loaned them to Eddie Murdoch so Murdoch could sneak in and kill her.
Stottlemeyer: He went back for the keys. That’s what he went back for.
Monk: Right, and if we find those keys…
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Breen’s going to have a lot of explaining to do.

Stottlemeyer pulls the blank off the feet of a corpse, and reads the name on the tag.

Stottlemeyer: Got him. Hello, Edward!

Stottlemeyer peeks at the corpse’s face.

Stottlemeyer: Don’t get up. Uh, they usually keep the personal effects in a plastic bag.

Stottlemeyer looks for it on the gurney.

Stottlemeyer: Bingo!

Breen, hiding under a blanket pretending to be a corpse, sits up. Stottlemeyer goes through Eddie’s personal effects.

Monk: Well?

Stottlemeyer pulls out the keys, and jingles it so Monk could hear.

Stottlemeyer: Exhibit A. DA’s gonna live this.
Monk: Oh, can I feel that?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Monk: That’s it.

Mr. Breen walks up behind Stottlemeyer, and hits him on the head. Stottlemeyer groans, and falls on the floor.

Monk: Leland, what happened? Leland!

Mr. Breen handcuffs Leland on to the gurney.

Mr. Breen: Mr. Monk? I’m gonna need that key ring.
Monk: Help! Somebody!

Monk swings his cane, but Mr. Breen just dodges it. Monk throws the cane at Mr. Breen, but misses.

Mr. Breen: The keys, please.

Monk throws the keys to the other side of the room.

Mr. Breen: Oh, I don’t have time for this.

While Mr. Breen looks for the keys, Mr. Monk looks for Captain’s gun.

Mr. Breen: Actually, it’s pretty convenient you’re both already here. That way they won’t have to move the bodies.

Mr. Monk gets Stottlemeyer’s gun. Mr. Breen grabs a knife.

Monk: Okay, don’t move. Don’t move.

Monk has slightly regained his eyesight. He can make out part of Mr. Breen’s body.

Mr. Breen pushes one of the gurney distracting Mr. Monk. Monk fires the gun at the gurney. Mr. Breen uses the cane to tap on the wall, and a steel table. Monk slowly focuses his eyes on Mr. Breen. He pulls the trigger, and hits him on the shoulder. Captain Stottlemeyer regains consciousness.

Monk: Captain…Captain, are you okay? You okay?

Captain Stottlemeyer struggles to sit up.

Monk: You all right?
Stottlemeyer: Monk, you can see me.
Monk: Yeah.
Stottlemeyer: Hello.
Monk: Hello.

Monk is at his house straightening Trudy’s pictures. He sits on his chair, and reads a book. He looks at his wife’s picture, and smiles.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Can’t See A Thing” episode was written by Lee Goldberg and William Rabkin. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.


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