Sunday, August 21, 2011

Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert – Monk Transcript 5.8

Mr Monk Goes to a Rock ConcertA roadie angrily walks at an outdoor concert.

Stork: Hey, Billy, have you seen Kris Kedder?
Billy: Check his trailer.

Stork raps on the trailer door, but no one is there. Kris walks towards his trailer.

Kris: Hey man! What’s going on?

Stork pulls out a CD from his leather jacket.

Kris: Where’d you get that?
Stork: Disc jockey I know. They sent him an advance copy.
Kris: Do you like that cover? That was my idea.
Stork: Stealing my credit. Stealing my song. Was that your idea too?
Kris: What? Your name’s not on there?
Stork: No, don’t give me that! “Peggy’s Going to Memphis, Words and Music by Kris Kedder.” You know, you told me if I kept my mouth shut, if I was a good boy, that you’d take care of me. I guess you figure I’m just some dumb roadie that you can rip off, and nobody’s going to care.
Kris: Okay, Stork, my man, let’s just relax. Huh? I was going to talk to you about this. I’m gonna offer you five grand. Continue reading...

Stork scoffs.

Stork: Five grand? For a hit song?
Kris: Look, dude. You got talent. You co-wrote a great song, but you don’t understand how the business works.
Stork: I didn’t co-write anything. I wrote that song. Every note. Every line. I let you take half credit because you said it would jumpstart my career.
Kris: All right, all right, all right, all right, look. Shhh! Just keep your voice down. Come here.
Stork: What’s the matter? You don’t want anybody to see us?
Kris: No, just…whoa! Come here.

Kris Kedder leads Stork to the back of his trailer.

Stork: Yeah, hey, you know what? I don’t blame you! Rock and roll legend hasn’t written a half-decent song in ten years. Well, I’ve got some bad news for you, rock star. I can prove I wrote that song. I made copy of the sheet music, sent it to myself, registered mail.
Kris: That’s not legal.
Stork: You want to bet your career on that?

Stork pulls out a piece of paper, and his cell phone from his pocket.

Kris: What are you doing?
Stork: I’m calling a copyright lawyer. I’m taking my song back.
Kris: All right, you win. I’ll give you half credit.

Stork is on the phone, and turns his back on Kris.

Stork: Mr. Jackson, listen. My name is…

Kris Kedder hits Stork on the head with a beer bottle.

Stork: Ah!

Stork falls on the ground, and groans. Kris Kedder gets a puff from his inhaler.

Natalie Teeger and Adrian Monk visit the police station.

Natalie: Captain!
Stottlemeyer: Uh-oh.
Monk: For the record, this was all her idea. Right? I wouldn’t even be here if I could drive, or had anything else to do.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, I give up. What is it?

Natalie shows Captain Stottlemeyer a bill.

Natalie: It’s a $34 dry-cleaning bill to clean the shirt and jacket that Mr. Monk ruined when he ran through the poultry farm to recover the ransom money in the Jimmy Creskow kidnapping case. What are you going to do about it?
Stottlemeyer: Try to ignore it.
Natalie: No, no, no, no, we’ve already submitted this twice. It is a work related expense and we are entitled to compensation.
Monk: Not my idea.
Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn’t agree with you more. I think you guys are entitled to every dime you can get, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Lieutenant Disher is the disbursement coordinator.
Natalie: Okay, where is he?
Stottlemeyer: Ah, he’s not here. He called in sick.
Monk: Is he okay?
Stottlemeyer: You know, he didn’t sound too good. He’s got a fever, and he’s got a cough.
Monk: Oh, that phlegmy flu thing?
Natalie: Okay, okay, when Randy is not here who is in charge of payout?
Stottlemeyer: Well, that would be the assistant disbursement coordinator.
Natalie: And who is that?
Stottlemeyer: We don’t have one. Anything else?
Monk: That about covers it.

Captain Stottlemeyer’s phone rings.

Stottlemeyer: Hello, Karen. He what? When?

Mr. Monk taps on Captain Stottlemeyer’s arm to tell him that he’s leaving, and to just give him a call. The Captain tells him to wait.

Stottlemeyer: When?

Monk taps Stottlemeyer once again to tell him to just call him, and starts to leave. Natalie grabs Mr. Monk’s arm to prevent him from leaving.

Stottlemeyer: I thought Jared was grounded. Well, how did he get there? Okay, I’ll take care of it. Yeah. No, I’ll call you.

Leland Stottlemeyer hangs up the phone.

Stottlemeyer: My kid, my oldest, has skipped school, and Karen thinks he’s gone to a rock show.
Monk: Oh, I used to do that. Play hooky. Go to rock shows.
Natalie: You did?
Monk: All the time.
Stottlemeyer: Anyhow, I got to get up there and see if I can find him.
Monk: Okay.
Natalie: Oh, you need some help?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, I wouldn’t mind. Thank you.
Monk: I’ll come with you.
Stottlemeyer: Good.
Natalie: You sure?
Monk: Of course, I’m sure.
Natalie: I’m sorry. I just can’t picture you at one of these.
Monk: What are you talking about? I used to go all the time. Get a bus into the city. See the stones.

Captain Stottlemeyer, Natalie and Monk arrive at the crowded, loud, raucous rock show.

Stottlemeyer: Look at this mess! Oh, for God’s sake…it’s going to take me all day to find him here. I’m going to miss a whole day’s work. An entire day! I’m going to wring his little neck.
Natalie: Hey, Captain, he’s just a kid. Don’t you just want to stay out here and calm down before you go inside?
Stottlemeyer: No.
Monk: Oh, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, waho. What kind of rock show is this?
Natalie: It’s the biggest festival of the year!
Monk: Festival?

Natalie Teeger laughs.

Natalie: Oh, wait, Mr. Monk, you thought there were real rocks? Like a geology exhibit? Like a museum?
Monk: Maybe. Perfectly understandable mistake.
Stottlemeyer: No, not really.
Monk: Okay, well, no harm done. So, I guess I’ll need a ride home.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I’m not going home without my kid.
Monk: All right, look, I, I, I can’t…

A man pushes Adrian Monk.

Man: Move it!
Monk: I can’t do it. I, I can’t go in there.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, come on. The Captain needs you.
Monk: But there is ten thousand of them, and not even one of me.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, look, I understand, Monk. Why don’t you just go wait by the car?
Monk: Yeah, I’ll go wait by the car.
Natalie: Okay, it’s going to be a while.
Monk: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Don’t worry about me. Take your time. But, but hurry back. But take your time. Hurry back.

Adrian Monk makes his way back to Captain Stottlemeyer’s car.

Security Guard: Bracelets. Let me see your bracelets, please. All right, people. Bracelets. Let me see ‘em. Bracelets, people. Keep your arms up so I can see your bracelets.
Stottlemeyer: I don’t have a bracelet. All I have is this.

Captain Stottlemeyer shows the guard his badge.

Security Guard: How can I help you?
Stottlemeyer: I’m looking for my son.
Security Guard: Okay.
Stottlemeyer: He’s fifteen…

The guard starts to write the information down.

Security Guard: He’s fifteen.
Stottlemeyer: Wearing a gray t-shirt, about 5’6”.
Security Guard: 5’”. Fifteen.
Natalie: Isn’t he sixteen?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right, he’s sixteen.
Security Guard: Okay, sixteen.
Stottlemeyer: Brown hair. Yeah, right, he’s sixteen. Brown hair.
Security Guard: Brown hair.
Stottlemeyer: Wearing an earring.
Security Guard: Earring. Which ear?
Stottlemeyer: Uh?
Natalie: Left ear.
Stottlemeyer: Left ear.
Security Guard: Left ear earring. Hey, listen, you got a picture? We can make copies and pass it out.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Good idea. Yeah.

Leland Stottlemeyer pulls out a picture of his son from his wallet, but the picture he had was when Jared was still a kid.

Stottlemeyer: Well, that’s Jared. Jared Stottlemeyer.
Security Guard: He’s sixteen? This kid?
Stottlemeyer: Well, no, that’s an old picture.
Security Guard: You don’t have anything more recent?

Stottlemeyer looks for another picture in his wallet.

Stottlemeyer: Well, I guess not.
Security Guard: All right, look, I’m going to do what I can. Meanwhile, you guys take these.

The guard gives them I.D.s.

Security Guard: You’ll have full access, backstage, wherever you want. If you still can’t find him, we’ll make an announcement from the stage. All right?
Stottlemeyer: I appreciate it.
Security Guard: All right? Okay, good luck. Bracelets, people, let me see ‘em.

Leland and Natalie enter the rock concert.

Stottlemeyer: What? Oh, you think I don’t spend enough time with Jared. Why, because I haven’t got a bunch of pictures of him? Doesn’t mean anything. How many pictures of Julie do you walk around with? Oh, I get it. You think I’m avoiding the boys on purpose, because I feel guilty about the separation, the fact that I’m dating Linda. Is that it? Don’t you ever shut up? Okay, look, you go that way. Keep your cell phone on. Give me a call if you find him.

Adrian Monk is waiting by the car where the people have started a party of their own.

Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me. There’s no dancing here. This is a parking area. This is for vehicles and people waiting for the Captain. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules.
Man: That’s right. You don’t.

A couple makes out on the hood of Captain Stottlemeyer’s car.

Monk: What are you doing? Hey, this is the police captain’s car. How old are you? There’s no way you’re twenty-five. Excuse me. Attention, may I have your attention please?

Adrian Monk walks over to the security guards.

Monk: Excuse me!
Security Guard: Yeah?
Monk: Is there a taxi stand? I need a cab.
Security Guard: Not around here, Buddy.
Monk: Is there a payphone?
Security Guard: Yeah. Down on the right. Down here.

Monk navigates through the crowd, and walks towards the payphone.

Monk: Excuse me. Sorry.

Monk asks a man punching his fist in the air.

Monk: Payphone? This way? That way? This way? That way? Sorry, am I heading towards a payphone?

A beach ball lands on Monk’s head.

Monk: Hey.
Girl: Over here. Over here.

Monk throws her the beach ball.

Monk: Try to minimize the roughhousing. Can we? Phone?

Monk finds the phone. He pulls out a handkerchief from his suit pocket. He gets hit with a beach ball once again.

Monk: Ah! All right! Who threw that?! Who threw that? Give me that.

Adrian Monk takes the beach ball.

Monk: Who was it? You have to watch what you’re doing. People’s eyes poked out with these things. Not poked out, but cornea was scratched or bruised or there was some discoloration.

A guy leaves the Port-A-Potty that stands beside the row of pay phones.

Monk: I’m next for the phone.

Monk enters the Port-A-Potty. After a very long while, Adrian Monk exits the Port-A-Potty.

Natalie: Oh! Oh! Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Monk: I was just calling for a taxi. They’re going to pick me up out front in about ten minutes.
Natalie: But, Mr. Monk, that wasn’t a phone booth.
Monk: No. No, that wasn’t a phone booth. Natalie, that was a horrible, plastic outhouse. Oh, my God, what was I talking into? My God, where did I put that quarter? For the love of God, Natalie, where did I put that quarter?

A maintenance staff unlocks one of the Port-A-Potty, and the corpse of Stork with a syringe stuck on his arm, falls on the ground in front of Monk and Natalie. A woman screams at the sight of the corpse.

Monk: Oh, how long do you think I was in there?
Natalie: I don’t know, Mr. Monk, maybe a minute.
Monk: That was rough. It was like some kind of medieval torture device.
Natalie: Yeah, I know. I actually read, for the Spanish Inquisition they used to lock people in port-a-johns.
Monk: That wouldn’t surprise me.

A beach ball hits Monk on the head.

Monk: Ah! It’s, it’s time to go.
Natalie: No, no, Mr. Monk, we haven’t found the Captain’s son.

A female roadie runs over to Adrian Monk.

Roadie: Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, I heard some cops talking back there. They said you’re some kind of detective.
Monk: That’s true. I am some kind of detective.
Kendra: Hi, Kendra Frank. I’m a roadie for Trafalgar.

Monk shakes Kendra’s hand.

Monk: Now, here.

Monk hands Kendra a wipe.

Kendra: I was a friend of Stork’s. Here. I was more than his friend. I was his sponsor at Narcotics Anonymous.
Natalie: Uh-huh, and Stork is?
Kendra: The roadie. The roadie they just found.
Natalie: Oh, God, I’m so sorry.
Monk: Stork?
Kendra: His real name was Greg Murray. Look, they’re trying to say that he OD’d, okay? That’s impossible. He’s been clean for seventeen months. I know, I talk to him about it every day.
Natalie: Well, Kendra, we were there. We saw a needle in his arm.
Kendra: No, that’s how I know there’s something wrong. Stork was completely phobic about needles. He was the only roadie I’ve ever met that didn’t even have one tattoo. I mean, he missed the whole South American tour last year, because he wouldn’t get vaccinated.
Natalie: Maybe he got over it.
Kendra: You don’t just get over a phobia like that overnight, do you?
Monk: No, you don’t.
Kendra: So, please.

Kendra shows them Stork’s jacket.

Monk: What is this?
Kendra: Well, they gave me his stuff, so, uh, it’s his tour jacket.

Natalie takes the jacket. Her and Monk look through the pockets.

Monk: Is this a map?
Natalie: Yeah, I have one of those. They gave it out at the door.

Adrian Monk looks at the map.

Monk: You say he was afraid of needles?
Kendra: Yeah, that’s right.
Monk: He had an acupuncture appointment at 7:30 this morning.
Kendra: What?

Stottlemeyer is still looking for his son through the crowd when he hears a man yelling. It is Randy Disher. Stottlemyer calls Randy on his phone. Randy answers the phone, and acts as if he is sick.

Disher: Hello?
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy, how are you doing, Buddy? I was worried about you.
Disher: Captain?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Disher: What time is it?
Stottlemeyer: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I wake you up? Hey what’s that music I hear?
Disher: Oh, it’s just my stereo. It’s broken. I can’t turn it down.
Stottlemeyer: It’s loud.
Disher: Listen, Captain, thanks for calling.
Stottlemeyer: Sure.
Disher: I’m going to get up now. I think I should make myself some soup.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, soup. That’s good. Yeah, fluids are good. Drink plenty of fluids.
Disher: Fluids. Okay, I will. Thanks for calling, Captain.
Stottlemeyer: Take care. All right.

Randy Disher hangs up. He turns to the woman beside him.

Disher: My boss.

Randy laughs. Leland puts his hand on his shoulder. Randy turns around.

Disher: Whoa. Captain.
Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant.
Disher: Did you, uh, did you call in sick, too?
Stottlemeyer: No, Randy, I’m looking for Jared.
Disher: Well, here’s what happened with me. I was on my way to the doctor, and I was in a…in a…I got nothing. Let’s go find Jared.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger go to the acupuncture tent.

Acupuncturist: Black bandana and sunglasses?
Natalie: Yeah, it was this morning about 7:30.
Acupuncturist: I remember. He was my first patient. Oh, was that the boy who died? The overdose? Heartbreaking. How does that feel?
Monk: Horrible.

The acupuncturist sticks another needle on her patient’s back. Monk exclaims.

Kendra: Look, are you sure that’s him?

Kendra shows the acupuncturist a picture.

Acupuncturist: He was a friend of yours. I’m sorry.
Natalie: Did he say anything?
Acupuncturist: No, not much. He just told me a story about how he met Eric Clapton.
Kendra: He loved Eric Clapton.

While the acupuncturist has her back turned, Monk tries to straighten out one of the needles. The patient squirms then groans.

Natalie: Detective.
Acupuncturist: And he dropped this.

The woman hands Kendra an earring.

Kendra: Oh, my God. I made this for him. He loved this earring.
Monk: Did he say anything else?
Kendra: Please, Annie, I have to know.
Annie: He asked me where he could score some H.
Monk: Heroin. H. Heroin starts with an “H.” It’s street talk.
Annie: He said he was giving up. He wanted to get high. He said he used to be afraid of needles, but he got over it.
Kendra: I don’t believe this.
Annie: Well, I guess he’s with Kurt, Jimi and Janis now.
Monk: Who?
Natalie: I’ll tell you later.
Annie: Well, then he paid me and left.
Monk: Did he talk to anyone else?
Annie: No. Oh, no, but when he left he stopped to help some kid, some girl. She had a beach ball. She was having trouble so he blew it up for her.
Monk: A blue beach ball?
Annie: I think so.
Monk: He blew that up? Thing almost killed me. I hate that beach ball.
Kendra: So, it’s true. They were right. He OD’d.
Monk: I’m so sorry.
Kendra: Thank you for trying.

Adrian Monk is about touch a heat lamp with his finger.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, no! No, no, no, that’s 400 watts!

Monk stops for a second then tries to touch it again. Natalie runs to stop him.

Natalie: No. No.

As Natalie pulls down his right arm, Monk uses his left arm to touch the lamp.

Monk: Ow!

Monk touches the lamp again with his right index finger.

Monk: Ow.

Leland Stottlemeyer finally finds a boy wearing a gray Kris Keder shirt. It’s his son, Jared.

Jared: Dad? You needed backup, huh?

Monk is at the clinic having touched the heat lamp. Both his index fingers are now bandaged.

Medic: This should help. Just rub this in twice a day. Did he really touch a heat lamp?

Natalie nods.

Medic: Why?
Natalie: I don’t know.
Medic: What about the other hand?
Natalie: He kept touching it. I don’t know.

Adrian Monk sees the corpse of Stork at the other side of the curtain. The dead body is covered over with a white sheet, but the boots are still sticking out.

Medic: They found him at a port-a-john. Can you believe it?
Natalie: I know. We were there when it happened. He was so young.
Medic: Overdose. The medical examiner should be here soon. If you could just step back.
Monk: No, no, no, no. It’s okay. I’m a police officer. At least I used to be. There’s no mud.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Monk: On his boots, there’s no mud. There was mud all around the outhouses.
Natalie: Yeah, but they carried him out.
Monk: Okay, but who carried him in?

Adrian Monk pulls the sheet.

Monk: No other track marks. Are these his?

Monk takes the rubber strap.

Monk: This…this rubber strap was around his arm?
Medic: That’s right. I took it off myself.
Monk: Do you work with drug addicts a lot?
Medic: It goes with the territory.
Monk: Natalie.

Monk puts the rubber strap over Natalie’s arm.

Monk: They wrap it around like this, and they tie it in a knot?
Natalie: Yeah, like this.
Monk: And then they pull it tight with their teeth?
Medic: That’s right.
Natalie: I’m not doing that.
Monk: There’s no other way to tie off your own arm?
Medic: No, sir.
Monk: No teeth marks.
Natalie: Someone tied it for him.

Leland Stottlemeyer is with Jared and Randy Disher.

Stottlemeyer: You’re in big trouble. You know that, don’t you?
Disher: I know.
Jared: Can’t I just stay for Kris Kedder, though? He’s on next. Please. I’ve been waiting all year.
Stottlemeyer: Forget about it, Jared. You’re under house arrest. You’re grounded for two weeks.
Monk: Captain!
Stottlemeyer: Monk. Can we get out of her? Who’s this?
Natalie: This is Kendra. This is a friend of the guy they found in the port-a-john.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah. I heard about that. Sorry. Overdose?
Monk: I don’t think so. I think he was murdered. We can’t leave yet. We can’t leave? We can’t leave. I’m so sorry.

Behind Stottlemeyer, Jared and Disher silently bump fists in celebration.

Monk: I’m so sorry.

Stottlemeyer: Did you put this up?

Captain Stottlemeyer holds the “Out of Order” sign.

Maintenance Staff: Not me. No.
Stottlemeyer: And it was definitely locked from the inside?
Maintenance Staff: Yes,sir. We had to jimmy it.

Captain Stottlemeyer talks on his radio.

Stottlemeyer: He says it was locked from the inside.
Monk: They could have rigged the lock. Over.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you know, it would help things if you would stand a little closer.
Monk: That’s not going to happen. Over.
Kendra: So, is this how he does it? From a hundred feet away?
Natalie: Not all the time.

Captain Stottlemeyer inspects the port-a-potty.

Woman: How long are you gonna be?
Stottlemeyer: As long as it takes, Miss? This is a crime scene.
Woman: With only one cop?
Stottlemeyer: Ah, it’s not just me. You see that guy up there on the hill? He’s a cop. And this guy here is a police officer.

Lieutenant Disher flashes his badge.

Disher: These guys are great. Oh, I hope they do Killer Machine! Killer Machine!
Stottlemeyer: Uh, I’m checking out the lock here. There are some scratches.
Monk: Are they recent? Over.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, there’s no rust. Hold on.

Captain Stottlemeyer finds a string on the floor.

Stottlemeyer: I got a little piece of wire here. Looks like a guitar string.

Jared looks at the string.

Stottlemeyer: Is that a B-string?
Jared: No, that’s a D. A high D from a 12-string guitar.
Disher: Those are pretty rare.
Jared: Kris Kedder uses them.
Disher: Yeah. Yes, he does. On the new single, right?
Jared: Yeah.
Disher: I love that solo.
Jared: I love that solo, too, man.
Disher: Right near the end.

Lieutenant Disher imitates a guitar.

Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it’s a guitar string from a 12-string guitar. Apparently, it’s fairly unusual.
Monk: Okay, isn’t there a vent on the right side up near the roof? Over.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Roger that, about three and a half feet above the lock.
Monk: He must have been killed somewhere else. They put the body inside, tied the wire around the bolt, and ran the wire through the vent so they could lock the door from the outside.

Jared smiles.

Monk: Yeah, you didn’t wait for me to say over. Over. Hello. Over. Over. I’m saying over.

Captain Stottlemeyer bags the high D string.

Medical Examiner: You’re right, there is a contusion and some hemorrhaging.
Disher: Was he, uh, was he hit?
Medical Examiner: Hit, fell, I’ll know more when I get him under the lights. I thought Adrian Monk was here.
Disher: Ah, yeah, he’s backstage with Natalie. They’re following a lead. Oh, I love this song. I can play this one on the piano.
Medical Examiner: Good for you.

Leland Stottlemeyer walks over to his son.

Stottlemeyer: Hey, Jared. Thanks for your help with that guitar string.
Jared: I didn’t do anything.
Stottlemeyer: Sure you did. That was an important clue, and I might have missed it without you. We make a pretty good team, huh?
Jared: What is that/

Jared looks at a poster on a post that has his old picture on it and reads “Runaway Child Jared Stottlemeyer Contact Security Ext 17”.

Stottlemeyer: Oh.
Jared: Runaway child?
Stottlemeyer: I guess we don’t need this anymore.
Jared: Where’d they get that picture from?
Stottlemeyer: It was went we went to Cabo.
Jared: Was that the only one you had?
Stottlemeyer: Look, Jared, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s a new wallet.
Jared: It’s not a new wallet, liar. I bet you have a thousand pictures of your girlfriend in there.
Stottlemeyer: Jared, please.
Jared: A pretty good team, huh? Not a team at all or a family.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, this has been tough on me, too. I lost my family too.

Kris Kedder is backstage practicing.

Kris: Send pictures from that place She didn’t want to go. Haunted by her face.
Rocker: You’re on in twenty.
Kris: Well, thank you, brother.
Rocker: Peg, I miss you so…
Kendra: Excuse me. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger. They’re with the cops.
Kris: Cops?
Kendra: Yeah, they’re looking into what happened to Stork.
Kris: What’s the big mystery? He’s been chasing that dragon for years. I tried to help him.
Kendra: When did you try to help him? See, now that he’s dead, everyone’s his best friend. Where were you when he was sinking?
Kris: Where were you?

Kris resumes singing.

Kris: Peggy’s gone to Memphis. She found another home. I signed that piece of paper. Daddy’s out alone.
Natalie: That’s a nice song.
Kris: Thank you. It comes out next week. You should buy a copy. In fact, buy two, I’ve got my eyes on this new beach house.
Monk: You are Kris Kedder, the famous rock and roll song singer?
Kris: I guess I am.
Monk: Right, uh, this was found at the scene. It is from a 12-string guitar.
Natalie: You’re the only musician that has one.
Kris: I am.
Rocker: What are you saying? That Stork was strangled?
Monk: I’m not saying anything. Just asking questions. Let’s all chill, you know, out.
Kris: Hey, man, anybody could’ve taken it. I don’t lock my case.

Kris plays his guitar.

Monk: You’re out of tune.
Kris: Do you play, Mr. Monk?
Monk: A little bit, clarinet.
Kris: Wow. Clarinet? Hey, man, maybe you and I can get together and jam sometime when I’m, like, 87 years old.
Monk: You have mud on your boots.
Kris: Yes, I do. I must be at a rock festival.
Monk: It’s just that I don’t see mud on anyone else’s shoes.
Kris: I see some on yours.
Monk: You were going to show me where Stork lived.
Kendra: Yeah, he had a camper. It’s back there.
Kris: It’s locked.
Kendra: I got the key. He trusted me.
Kris: Do you mind if I tag along? Now, you’ve got me kind of curious.

Kendra, Monk, Natalie and Kris visit Stork’s camper.

Monk: He lived in here?
Kendra: Yeah. He loved it. Between gigs he’d take off, camp out. Sometimes I’d go with him.
Monk: What did you do if one of you wanted to be happy?

Kris takes a puff of his inhaler.

Kris: Asthma, since I was a kid.
Natalie: It smells like mint.
Kris: It’s imported from Denmark. You want a hit?
Natalie: No thanks.
Monk: Rhyming dictionary?
Kendra: Yeah, he was writing songs. That was his dream. He was really shy about it, though. He wouldn’t even play me his stuff.

Kris sees a letter posted on the wall, while Natalie sees a little girl’s picture on the wall.

Natalie: Who’s this?
Kendra: Oh, that’s his daughter, Margaret.
Natalie: Oh, no. Where is she?
Kendra: Tennessee. Her mom moved her there after they split.

While everybody’s back is turned, Kris takes the letter from the wall, and hides it inside his pants.

Kendra: I guess I should call them. I know I have their number somewhere.
Kris: Oh, hell, I’m late. Got to go be famous. Catch you later.
Monk: You’ll catch me later?

Adrian Monk notices something’s amiss. He squirms.

Natalie: What?
Monk: Something’s wrong. Did either of you move anything?
Natalie: No.
Kendra: No.
Monk: Something’s different. There was an envelope. A white envelope. Right here.
Natalie: There was?

Natalie takes a paper from the wall.

Natalie: Oh, it’s a receipt. Registered mail, he mailed something to himself.
Kendra: I remember that. That was about six months ago. I went to the post office with him. He was mailing sheet music to himself. He called it his insurance policy.
Natalie: What song?
Kendra: I don’t know.
Monk: I think I do. The song Kris Kedder was just singing.
Kendra: Peggy’s Gone to Memphis.
Monk: Kedder didn’t write that song. Stork wrote it about his daughter. Peggy is short for Margaret. Peggy’s Gone to Memphis.
Kendra: Oh my God, he just took that envelope.
Monk: Can’t prove anything without that envelope.

Kris Kedder is already on stage singing Peggy’s Gone to Memphis. Monk, Natalie and Kendra rush to the stage.

Monk: Coming through.
Natalie: Excuse me.

Kris continues with his song.

Kris: Haunted by her face. Peg I miss you so. Peggy’s gone to Memphis. She’s found another home.
Monk: Think he still has it on him?
Natalie: I don’t know.
Kris: I signed that piece of paper. Now Daddy’s all alone. Peggy’s gone to Memphis.

Jared Stottlemeyer climbs up the pole to get a better view.

Kris: She’s found another home.
Jared: You are a god.
Kris: I signed that piece of paper. Now Daddy’s all alone.
Jared: You are the greatest! Whoo!
Kris: Daddy’s all alone.

Leland Stottlemeyer goes over to his son, and pats his back. Jared walks away from him. Kris Kedder takes his guitarists cap, and puts it inside the flamethrowers on stage. The flame goes up, and burns the cap. Kris pulls out the envelope with the music sheets, and shows it to the crowd particularly teasing Monk, Natalie, and Kendra.

Kendra: He’s going to burn it. Go, go, go, go!
Monk: Excuse me.

Monk, Natalie and Kendra run to the stage. Kris drops the envelope in the flamethrower. The flame rises, and the envelope burns.

Kris: Now, there’s nothing I can say. To her mother that day. Didn’t want to say goodbye this way. I didn’t want it to end that way.

Later, another band is on the stage. Monk, Natalie, Disher, and Stottlemeyer are still amongst the crowd.

Announcer: All right, everybody, put your hands together, and welcome Novillero.
Disher: Wait. Kris Kedder, the singer?
Monk: He’s the guy.
Disher: No, no, no, that’s not possible. I’ve known Kris Kedder for years.
Stottlemeyer: Personally?
Disher: No.
Monk: Here’s what happened.

Novillero starts to play.

Monk: The roadie, Stork, wrote a song.
Stottlemeyer: What?
Monk: The roadie, Stork, wrote a song. Kris Kedder stole it.

Flashback ensues. Stork shows Kris Kedder the CD.

Monk: Stork must have confronted Kedder.
Flashback: Kris hits Stork on the head with a beer bottle.
Monk: Kris killed him.
Stottlemeyer: What?
Flashback: Kris carries Stork who is still alive, but barely conscious inside the port-a-potty.
Monk: And he tried to make it look like Stork OD’d. Then he stuffed him into the hell hole.
Flashback: Kris sticks a syringe on Stork’s arm.
Natalie: You mean the port-a-john!
Monk: No, I mean the hell hole!
Captain: The hell what?
Flashback: Kris ties a guitar string on the lock. He finds a token that shows that Stork is clean & serene for 17 months.
Monk: At some point he remembered that Stork was off drugs, and that he was afraid of needles. He knew that nobody would believe that Stork OD’d like that. But then he had to make it look like Stork was back on drugs, and over his fear of needles. So, he disguised himself, and he went to the acupuncturist.
Flashback: Kris dressed as Stork goes to the acupuncturist.
Natalie: Oh, and he made sure to mention he was looking for heroin.
Monk: Right.
Flashback: Kris returns to the port-a-potty that now has the “Out of Order” sign.
Monk: Then he put the map in Stork’s pocket to lead us to the acupuncturist.
Flashback: Kris puts the map in Stork’s jacket, and ties the string to the lock, and runs it through the vent.

Monk groans as he thinks of the part where Kris ran the string through the port-a-potty.

Monk: Then he closed the door, and he locked it from the outside. God, I can’t hear the music. I think I’ve gone deaf.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, the song is over.
Stottlemeyer: Well, it doesn’t matter! The DA is not gonna to buy it. We don’t have anything. We don’t have any real physical evidence.
Disher: Well, what about the sheet music?
Natalie: No, he burned it on stage.
Stottlemeyer: All we’ve got is this guitar string, and that’s not enough, and you know it.

Adrian Monk sees the blue beach ball.

Monk: Beach ball. The beach ball!
Stottlemeyer: Excuse me?
Flashback: Kris dressed as Stork blows the beach ball.
Monk: When he was pretending to be Stork and he was still in disguise, Kedder blew up that blue beach ball.
Disher: There will be a million fingerprints on that ball, Monk.
Monk: The proof is not on the beach ball, it’s in the beach ball.
Natalie: Oh, the asthma.
Disher: In the beach ball?
Monk: Kris Kedder ahs asthma. He uses an inhaler, a very distinctive inhaler.
Natalie: And it’s mint flavored. It’s one of a kind.
Monk: If we can get that blue beach ball to the lab intact…
Stottlemeyer: You’re talking about the air inside the ball.
Monk: Yes!
Stottlemeyer: And there was a witness? Somebody who witnessed him blowing it up?
Monk: Yes.
Disher: And he was impersonating the victim.
Natalie: Is that enough?
Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is.
Disher: Get that beach ball!
Monk: There it is! I got it!

The beach ball gets tossed around the crowd.

Monk: I got the ball.

Stottlemeyer shows the crowd his badge.

Stottlemeyer: Hey! Hey! Hey! Police officer!
Natalie: Over here. Over here. Over here. Get it. Get it. Get it. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

A guy catches the ball.

Natalie: Give it to me right here, right here.

The guy tosses the ball towards Natalie, but another one hits it away from her then laughs.

Disher: That ball, I need that beach ball. Let me get it, the beach ball.

A girl catches the ball.

Disher: Miss, I’m a police officer. I need you to drop that ball.
Girl: Okay.

The girl drops the ball, but then kicks it away then laughs. Adrian Monk speaks to the guard. The guard runs on the stage.

Rocker: Hey, what the hell are you doing?
Guard: Whoa, whoa, calm down. We have a police emergency here. This guy needs to talk to the crowd.
Monk: Thank you.

The crowd boos as Monk runs up the stage.

Monk: Excuse me. Hello. I don’t mean to kill your buzz.
Man: Go home!
Woman: Yeah, get out of here.
Monk: I am a former police officer.
Man: Get off the stage!
Monk: Thank you. Thank you very much. Take it easy. Everybody chill.

Kris Kedder watches Monk on the stage.

Monk: That blue beach ball contains material evidence in a homicide investigation. So, we need you to bring the blue beach ball down to the stage.
Man: Hey, you suck!
Monk: Yes. I know. I know. It’s true.

Kris grabs a screwdriver.

Monk: I am a straight, but I have a dream. A dream that someday all the hippies, and all the straights will live together side by side. Not too close because, you know, the smell.

The crowd boos.

Monk: A bad smell.

Stottlemeyer and Natalie run after the blue beach ball.

Natalie: Hurry, hurry. Oh no, it’s over there.
Monk: Okay, okay, okay, people. I need that ball! I’m not joking.

The crowd boos.

Crowd: Loser! Loser! Loser!
Monk: That’s it. That’s it. Okay, that…that’s obstruction. You’re all under arrest. If you cannot afford an attorney…
Drummer: Okay, forget this. From the chorus. One, two, three, four.

The band resumes playing, and the crowd cheers.

Stottlemeyer: We need that ball. We need that ball. Hey! Throw it here! Throw it here! I need that ball.

The people continue to toss the blue beach ball around until it gets stuck on the scaffolding holding one of the speakers. Jared climbs up the scaffolding.

Stottlemeyer: Good job, son. Give me the ball.
Kris: No, don’t. Don’t you do it. He’s a cop. What’s your name?
Jared: Jared.
Kris: Jared.
Stottlemeyer: Jared, this is very important. Give me the ball.
Kris: Hey, man, you do everything the cops tell you? You know, I don’t. I like your shirt.
Jared: Thanks, Man.
Kris: You play?
Jared: Yeah.
Kris: Me and you, we should jam sometime.
Stottlemeyer: Jared, listen to me. If he deflates that all we don’t have a case.
Kris: Dude, he’s trying to set me up because of what I am, what I represent.
Stottlemeyer: That’s nonsense, Jared. You might not like me, but you know me.
Kris: Hey. You don’t trust cops, do you?
Jared: I trust this one.
Kris: Don’t, don’t, don’t do it.

Lieutenant Disher accosts Kris Kedder.

Disher: Let’s go.

Jared throws the beach ball to his father.

Kris: Punk!

A police officer brings Kris Kedder to the police car.

Stottlemeyer: Be careful with this.

Captain Stottlemeyer hands the bagged beach ball to a police officer.

Stottlemeyer: Detective Kramer is waiting for this at the lab.
Officer: Yes, sir.
Disher: Check this t-shirt out.

Randy Disher is now wearing a gray Kris Kedder shirt.

Disher: Sweet, huh?
Natalie: Oh, that’s going to be worth a fortune when he’s convicted.
Disher: Exactly. So, Monk, what did you think of your first rock concert?
Monk: I like the old songs. Why don’t people write old songs anymore?
Natalie: I don’t know, Mr. Monk.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, we’ll meet you guys back at the car. Jared, what do you think?

Leland Stottlemeyer points at the photo booth.

Stottlemeyer: How about a couple of pictures for my wallet? So, I got a good one for the next time you take off.
Jared: All right.

Leland and his son sit in the photobooth to get their picture taken. Randy Disher joins them with a wacky shot.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Goes to a Rock Concert” episode was written by Blair Singer. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.


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