Frasier Crane is at the radio station doing his talk show.
Frasier: Gosh, it’s been such fun talking about psychopharmacological solutions to maladaptive personality traits that I can’t believe the three hours is almost gone. Up next is the news followed by…
Roz Doyle knocks on the window, and holds up a note she wrote that reads “BIKE-A-THON”.
Frasier: Roz is reminding me that next Saturday is the first annual KACL AIDS Bike-a-thon. It’s bound to be an afternoon of family, fun, and lots of surprises. So, dust off your velocipedes, and I’ll see you there.
Frasier signs off, and Kenny enters the booth.
Kenny: Great pitch, Doc. So what are the surprises?
Frasier: Well, first and foremost, I’m not going.
Roz: But you just told them you’d see them there.
Frasier: Yes Roz, I’m merely getting the rubes into the tent. I will gladly give my money, but spending the afternoon riding bicycles with a bunch of hooligans is not my idea of fun.
Kenny: It’s just kids and families.
Frasier: Yes, well, so was the KACL family picnic at the zoo, until those urchins jostled me into the orangutan grove. Let me tell you, orangutans are not the playful gentlemen of the trees the nature shows claim.
Julia Wilcox arrives.
Kenny: Hey, Julia.
Kenny: You’re going to the Bike-a-thon, right?
Roz: Oh, don’t embarrass her, Kenny. It’s got to be tough finding a comfortable bike seat when you’re such a tight-ass.
Julia: This from a woman who peddles her ass all over town.
Roz: Okay, lady…
Frasier: Yes, all right. It’s stalemate. Well done, well done, keep moving, come on.
Frasier Crane ushers Roz Doyle out of the booth.
Kenny: So, Bike-a-thon. You’re in, right?
Julia: Nah, I can’t be bothered. I’ll just send a check.
Kenny: Ah, cheese and rice, what’s wrong with you people?
Julia: Relax, Kenny, I’m just pulling your leg. How can I not go? This is funding AIDS research, for God’s sake. I know you think I’m heartless, and self-centered, but at least give me credit for being human.
Kenny: Frasier’s not going.
Frasier: What? Kenny…
Frasier: Come on. I was pulling your leg, too. Come on. I’ll tell you what. We should have a fundraiser for your sense of humor.
Frasier: All right, I’ll see you there.
Frasier Crane walks away.
Roz: You’re pathetic.
Frasier: I know.
Marty Crane runs to the elevator.
Marty: Hold it!
Marty Crane pushes the button just in time, and the elevator doors re-opens.
Marty: Heh! Cora, hi.
Marty: Visiting your son?
Marty: Cora, I’m sorry, but I got to ask you. What happened? I thought we had a pretty nice thing, but then you stopped returning my calls.
Cora: Why don’t you ask your other girlfriend?
Marty: What other girlfriend?
Cora: That bizarre English lady who told me to leave you alone, because she was in the British Secret Service, and had a license to kill.
The elevator dings.
Cora: Here’s your stop.
Marty: Oh, geez! That was Daphne’s mother. She had a thing for me, but it was never mutual. Did she show you a badge? Always ask to see a badge.
Cora: I knew she wasn’t a secret agent, but she was pretty convincing about the two of you.
Marty: Oh, Cora, I’m so sorry. It’s not true.
The elevator dings, and Cora steps out of the elevator. Marty Crane follows her.
Cora: I’m sorry, too. I should have asked about her.
Marty: Well, hey, it’s cleared up now. Maybe we could pick up where we left off or skip ahead. Your choice.
Cora: That would’ve been nice, but I’ve been seeing someone lately.
Marty: Oh, well, sure. Of course you have. Stupid of me.
Cora: But I’m very glad to see you again. Please give Eddie my love.
Marty: Oh, yeah. He’ll be sorry he missed you. He liked your ankles.
Cora enters her son’s apartment. Marty Crane throws a fit, and smashes his cane. He impatiently punches the elevator button.
Frasier Crane walks to his living room where Niles Crane, Gertrude and Daphne Moon are waiting.
Frasier: Oh, sorry for the holdup guys. Listen, I think it’s best if we take separate cars to the flower show. Later, I have to go buy a bicycle.
Niles: For whom?
Frasier: Well, for me. I’ve been dragooned into riding for the KACL AIDS Bike-a-thon.
Niles: Poor devil. Spending a day on a bike. I don’t envy you.
Daphne: Niles, why don’t we enter the Bike-a-thon?
Frasier: You had to see that coming.
Daphne: We can all go to the shop together after the flower show.
Niles: Sure, why not?
Gertrude: Oh, you two would look so cute on matching bicycles.
Niles: Well, I guess it would be a kick, eh, Frasier?
Gertrude: Not you two, you nit. You and Daphne.
Marty Crane barges in the apartment.
Marty Crane points at Gertrude Moon.
Marty: I just had a very interesting conversation with Cora Winston, seems someone claiming to be my girlfriend scared her off.
Gertrude: Oh, dear. Is she the woman from the bookstore?
Marty: No. The bookstore?!
Daphne: Mum, is this true?
Gertrude: Well, I’m sure I don’t know what Marty’s talking about, but it was probably back when we were an item.
Marty: We were never an item! Now, I would like for you to leave.
Frasier: Now, Dad, calm down. Listen, I…I’m sure you can talk this over with Cora, and have a good laugh after it.
Marty: Ha, ha. Very funny. Now that she’s practically married to this guy.
Gertrude: Oh, Martin, I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize…
Marty: Apology not accepted. You went too far. We are no longer speaking.
Niles: No, no, Mrs. Moon, Mrs. Moon…shut up.
Daphne steps out the door, while Niles ushers Gertrude out.
Frasier: Uh, Dad, we’re leaving now. Uh, we’re going over to the flower show, then after that we’re gonna go to a sporting goods store, and buy a couple of bikes.
Marty: Nice try, Frasier, but I’m too mad to laugh.
Niles and Frasier are at the bike shop.
Niles: Uh, well, this one has good lines. Uh, you have any without this bar here?
Niles points at the top tube.
Clerk: You mean girls’ bikes? Sure.
Niles: Good. ‘cause my wife’s a girl, and she’ll need one of those.
Clerk: Right. Maybe I’ll go see how she’s doing.
The sales clerk walks away.
Frasier: Niles, we can’t stall much longer. I mean, one seems as good as the next. Is there anything else we need?
Niles: Hmm, let me see…oh, yes, I know. We need to know how to ride them!
Frasier: Shh! Shh! Shh! We will learn.
Niles: Oh, as easy as that? Look at these machines, Frasier. These are bicycles. There’s nothing between you and the ground but the ground itself.
Frasier: Yes, and if a child of four can ride one, then so can we.
Niles: That’s what we said when we were six. If Daphne finds out, she’ll probably…
Niles and Frasier notice a buffed up cyclist approach their way.
Frasier: Metal spokes. I like that.
Niles: Guess you buy the horn separately.
The cyclist looks at one of the bikes then walks away.
Niles: That was close.
Frasier: Niles, I am not going to look like an idiot at that Bike-a-thon. Tonight, I’m going to a parking lot, and come hell or high water, I am going to master cycling. You’re welcome to join me.
Niles: I guess I could sneak out. Perhaps it’s time to slay the dragon.
Frasier: That’s the stuff, brother.
The cyclist returns to inspect another bike.
Niles: Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire.
Frasier: Two bouncy tires, and a taut chain. That’s good riding.
The cyclist leaves.
Niles: Where did you learn all that? That was really good.
Frasier: It’s a matter of confidence, Niles.
Later that night, Frasier and Niles arrive at Frasier’s apartment with their bikes. Both are muddy especially Niles.
Niles: All a matter of confidence, he says.
Frasier: Well, perhaps two people who don’t know how to ride bikes shouldn’t try to teach each other!
Niles: A good teacher doesn’t yell at his student!
Frasier: Nor does a good teacher throw a stick at his student!
Niles: I thought it would make you try harder.
Frasier: Oh, you’re going to make a hell of a dad.
Niles: Oh, what are we gonna do.
Frasier: Let’s not panic. We still have two days before the Bike-a-thon. Surely the library has shelves devoted to this topic.
Niles: I don’t have time for that. Daphne wants to go biking tomorrow afternoon.
Frasier: Then you’ll just have to tell her you don’t know how to ride.
Niles: I can’t. It’s too late! If I was going to do that I should’ve done it at the bike store. But noooooo! You! You said we could teach ourselves! You said no one would be the wiser!
Niles: Two bouncy tires and a taut chain, you said! And now look! My spokes are bent, my pants are stuck, there’s blood on the headlight! There’s blood everywhere!
Niles Crane cries. Frasier comforts his brother.
Frasier: Niles. Niles, Niles. That wasn’t your fault. That jogger should’ve been wearing a reflective vest. Come on…come and sit down. I’m going to get you a nice sherry.
Roz arrives at Café Nervosa.
Roz: Hi, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz. You’re welcome to join me and Niles.
Roz: Oh, I can’t. I’m on my way to meet Alice and her sitter. Alice wants to practice riding her bicycle for Saturday.
Roz: She loves it. I mean, she had that bike one day before she made me take her training wheels off.
Frasier: Tell me, does she ever find that she feels as though her feet are frozen to the pedals, stuck in a confused, arrhythmic battle between forward and reverse, until finally, with no locomotive momentum whatsoever, she keels over like a felled tree?
Roz: I don’t think so.
Frasier: Oh good, good, because that’s a real thing that happens to some kids.
Daphne arrives with Mrs. Moon.
Daphne: Hey Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Daph. Mrs. Moon.
Daphne: Niles, Darling. I’m afraid I have some bad news.
Niles: What is it?
Daphne: Someone stole our new bikes.
Niles: My God, are you sure?
Niles turns to the waiter.
Niles: Can I get a refill? That’s terrible.
Frasier: You know, that’s curious, Niles. Didn’t that salesman say that nothing could break those titanium locks? You’re right.
Niles: I must not have locked them properly. Foolish Niles.
Gertrude: You know, I spotted a couple of bikes in the storage room behind the furnace. Perhaps you could borrow those.
Niles: No, I don’t think so. The theft has soured me on the whole bike experience, and what were you doing behind the furnace, anyway?
Marty: Hello, Daphne, Niles, Frasier.
Gertrude: Hello, Martin.
Marty: How are the three of you doing? Mind if I join you.
Gertrude: Oh, you’re not still angry are you?
Marty: Coffee, please.
Marty takes a seat next to Gertrude.
Roz: Hi. Well, everybody’s here today.
Marty: Grab a seat. I’d love to have a lady sit next to me.
Roz: Well, thanks, I can’t. I’m on my way to the park. I just got a call from the babysitter. Alice did a wheelie! Well, I’ll see you guys later.
Frasier: That’s great, Roz. Bye-bye. Well, someone’s raising a real little showoff.
Marty: Now, now, not everyone was meant to ride a bike.
Daphne: What does that mean?
Marty: Well, I’m just saying that my boys are good at other things. Indoor things.
Daphne: Oh, no. You don’t mean.
Niles: Yes, Daphne. Frasier doesn’t know how to ride a bike.
Frasier: Well, neither do you!
Frasier: Well, she was bound to find out! We never learned.
Marty: I tried teaching them, but I had to take them to the hospital so many times that Social Services started sniffing around.
Niles: All these years, it’s been our secret shame.
Frasier: Yes, and it hasn’t been easy concealing it, either. People are always saying, in conversation, “It’s just like riding a bike.” I can smile and nod, but I only understand it in theory.
Niles: We tried to teach ourselves to ride last night.
Frasier: Oh, can you imagine a sadder tableau? Two grown men trying to gain mastery over a child’s toy, and failing miserably.
Niles: Even more pathetic. A grown man faking the theft of his and his wife’s bicycles. I disgust myself! I’m so sorry, Daphne.
Daphne: Niles, you’ve no need to apologize. Lots of people don’t know how to ride.
Daphne: It doesn’t matter. I can take you to the park, and teach you. I’ll teach you both.
Frasier: Really, Daphne?
Niles: Daphne, I adore you!
Gertrude: No, seriously. Who?
Frasier: Thank you, Daphne.
Niles: You know, I’m afraid my bike may be too damaged to ride.
Daphne: Oh, so we’ll borrow one from someone in the building. I promise you, you two are going to learn how to ride bikes.
Marty: You’re a good wife, Daphne, and I’ll bet you were a good daughter when your mother was alive.
Frasier and Niles prepare to ride a bike.
Daphne: All right, now, remember, keep your eyes open, and pedal quickly. I just want to get an idea of your individual skill levels. All right, everyone ready, and…go!
Niles and Frasier begin to ride their bikes, but the two end up leaning on each other.
Daphne: Let’s try again, but this time further apart.
Frasier: Okay. I—I think…this is going to be all right.
Niles: Yeah, yeah, this isn’t so bad.
Daphne: All right. And…go!
Frasier and Niles wobble as they ride their bikes.
Daphne: Yes, very…yes!
Niles screams, and falls.
Frasier falls too. Later, he tries once again, but hits a tree. Daphne holds Niles bike as he slowly pedals, but he later falls off the bike, leaving Daphne pushing an empty bike. Frasier tires one more time, and hits a tree again. Niles struggles to pull his water bottle out, and fails to do so. He resorts to carrying the bike to get a drink. Frasier tries once again, and manages to turn to avoid the tree, but hits the tree once again as he circles back. Daphne assists Niles as he pedals his bike then let’s go. Niles finally successfully rides the bike on his own.
Frasier: It’s that damn Sycamore. It’s got a magnetic hold on me.
Daphne: That’s because you keep on focusing on it. Whatever you do. Put it out of your mind. The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
Niles: You’re a cloud scudding across a clear blue sky.
Frasier: I’m a cloud.
Niles: You’re a cloud.
Frasier: I’m a cloud.
Niles: You’re a cloud.
Frasier: I’m a cloud…I’m a cloud…
Frasier struggles to avoid the tree, and succeeds.
Frasier: I am a cloud! I’m flying! Look, I’m riding a bike.
A little girl on her bike with training wheels, a jogging pregnant woman, and an old man in a kick scooter take over Frasier.
The doorbell rings, and Marty walks over to answer it.
Marty: I heard you. I’m coming.
Marty slams the door at Gertrude’s face. Gertrude knocks on the door.
Marty: Oh, geez. Look, I’m sorry, I’m still ticked. I’m not proud of it, but I have to do the right thing, and that means hold this grudge.
Gertrude: Ha! You’re talking to me. I knew you would.
Marty slams the door at Gertrude’s face. Cora makes her way to the Crane’s front door.
Gertrude: Oh, you’re here to see Marty?
Cora: Actually, I think not.
Gertrude: No, no, this isn’t what it looks like. I’m here to apologize, but since he’s not talking to me, I guess I can say my piece to you. Now, first of all, don’t be scared. I’m not a secret agent, and I don’t have a license to kill. Back when I said all that to you, I wasn’t really in my right mind, anyway. I mean, I’d just separated from my husband, and well, maybe I hoped Marty would be some kind of knight in shining armor. But we were never a couple, though.
Cora: It was a pretty rotten thing you did.
Gertrude: Yes, I know dear. Just awful. In my defense, I’ve done much worse. And besides, between you and the girl at the bookstore, I liked you better.
The doorbell rings again.
Marty: Son of a bitch.
Marty opens the door, and is surprised to see Cora on the other side of it.
Marty: Cora. Hi. Come on in.
Cora: Hi, I ran into a friend of yours.
Cora hands Frasier the flowers and sandwich that Gertrude brought to make peace with Marty.
Marty: She’s no friend of mine.
Cora: Well, she had some nice things to say about you. Maybe we could talk about it at dinner tomorrow.
Marty: I thought you were seeing someone.
Cora: I don’t see him here.
Marty: I guess not. Pick you up at 7:00?
Cora: 7:00 it is. So, uh, who’s this girl from the bookstore?
Marty: See you tomorrow.
Daphne, Niles, and Frasier are at the start line of the AIDS Bike-A-Thon. Marty with Eddie is also there to take pictures.
Marty: Never thought I’d see the day. This is really something.
Daphne: That’s right. You’ve faced your fears, and you’ve bested them.
Niles: Yeah, thanks to you. And who knows, maybe this is just the beginning. There are still mountains to conquer. The diving board, for instance.
Frasier: Or cartwheels.
Marty: Be careful out there, Son.
Frasier: I will, Dad. Thanks. Guess I better go take my place, huh?
Frasier: All right.
Frasier walks over to Kenny and Julia.
Frasier: Kenny, Julia.
Kenny: Hey, Doc.
Frasier: So, have a good ride.
Kenny: Not gonna happen. These shorts are already bunching me something fierce. Excuse me.
Kenny squirms as he dismounts his bike.
Frasier: Pretty exciting.
Julia: Thrilling. You don’t mind if we don’t ride together, do you? I like to go at my own pace.
Frasier: No, not at all. You don’t have to feel like you have to keep up.
Julia: Right. Well, what do you say we make it interesting?
Frasier: What do you have in mind?
Julia: Last one to cross the finish line doubles the other’s pledges.
Frasier: You’re on, and I look forward to watching you write that big fat check.
Niles: Frasier! Remember, keep your eye on the road,and don’t fixate on anything you can crash into.
Frasier: Right. Good luck.
Frasier gives Niles a thumbs up. The starting gun fires. The cyclists start pedaling, while Julia and Frasier are still on the start line.
Julia: Boy, I hope I can steer around that big mailbox right there. Ciao!
Julia moves away, while Frasier starts to ride towards the mailbox. Frasier struggles to avoid the mailbox, but hits it anyway.
Alice: Are you okay?
Frasier: I’ll be all right. Why don’t you guys go ahead. I’ll catch up to you.
Frasier gets up, and mounts his bike. He rings his bell as he tries to avoid the other cyclists.
Frasier: Oh, Lord. Oh, oh, gosh. Oh, oh, no. Oh, dear God!
Frasier hits the mailbox again. Later that night, Frasier finally crosses the finish line. He dumps his bicycle in the trash.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Fraternal Schwinns” episode was written by Sam Johnson. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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