Sunday, July 3, 2011

Mr. Monk Is On The Air – Monk Transcript 5.13

Mr Monk Is On The AirAt the ABSC radio station…

Robot: ABSC
Man: 99.9
Robot: ABSC
Max: Jiggle me timbers! You are gorgeous.

A sound of men hooting is played.

Max: Yeah, and you got a movie opening up on Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers! That was a long two-and-a-half hours, boy.

A snoring sound is played.

Willie: Hey, Max, you’ve been saying that all morning, “Jiggle me timbers.” Where did you get that?
Max: Well, maybe it’ll be my new catchphrase. I didn’t know I had to clear everything with the Lollipop Guild.
J.J.: Whoa! Whoa! Careful boss! Willie will beat the crap out of your kneecaps.
Willie: Or higher even.
Kimberly: You guys…
Max: Wait, no. I think it’ll catch on. Jiggle me timbers!!! You’re listening to Mad Max In The Morning, and we’re talking with Kimberly Danaman, whose new movie is opening everything on Friday.
Willie: And closing everywhere on Saturday. Continue reading...

The Pacific Heights Security Service Armed Response vehicle pulls up in front of Max’ house. The man meets an employee of the gas company who is already in front of the house.

Gas Company Man: Gas leak.
Security Guard: I can smell it.
Gas Company Man: Yeah, I shut off the main valve, but we got to check inside just to make sure.
Security Guard: All right.

The security guard breaks the glass window near the door, and the alarm starts blaring. He reaches in, and turns the knob of the front door, opening it. The radio is turned on to ABSC.

Max on Radio: Would you take a bath with me right now?
J.J.: Oh yeah!

The security guard types in HUDSON 4433 on the alarm console.

Security Guard: Is that coming from upstairs? I hear voices.
Gas Company Man: Sounds like a radio.
Kimberly on Radio: You shouldn’t joke about that.
Security Guard: Hello?
Kimberly on Radio: It’s bad karma.
Max on Radio: It’s true! She just told me last night.
Security Guard: Hello?!
Max on Radio: Start looking for wife number two. You know.
Security Guard: Better check upstairs.

The Gas Company man sees a picture of Max Hudson and his wife.

Gas Company Man: Oh, my God. That’s what’s his name from the radio.

The Gas Company man chuckles.

Gas Company Man: Max Hudson.
Security Guard: A gas leak at Max Hudson’s house. Oh, he’s going to have a field day with this.
Gas Company Man: Yeah.
Men on Radio: Oh-ho! Hey! Whoa! Start running it!

The security guard and the gas company man make their way upstairs.

Max on Radio: Don’t tell me, Kimberly, that you actually believe in the sanctity of marriage.

The security guard turns the knob of the closed bedroom door. He enters, and coughs at the overwhelming smell of gas. The man from the gas company follows him. There’s a hissing sound in the room.

Max on Radio: Don’t tell me, Kimberly, that you actually believe in the sanctity of marriage.
Kimberly on Radio: I do.
J.J.: Who knew Kimberly can even spell sanctity.
Willie: I bet she can’t even say sanctity.

The security guard and the man from the gas company rush to Mrs. Hudson who is unconscious on the bed.

Gas Company Man: I’ll turn the gas off.

The security guard feels Mrs. Hudson’s pulse as the man from the gas company turns off the gas.

Kimberly on Radio: Santity.
Max on Radio: Close enough!

The men on the radio including Kimberly laugh.

Max on Radio: Close enough!

Back a the ABSC radio station…

ABSC recording: Be right back.
Producer: Hey Max, there’s a cop on line one. He says it’s important.
Max: Okay, I’ll just take it in the back, all right?
J.J.: Anybody you know? No?

Max goes to the other booth, and closes the door. Before he picks up the phone, he whispers practicing what he’s going to say.

Max: Oh, my God, is she all right?

He changes his tone.

Max: Oh, my God, is she all right? Oh, my God.

He picks up the phone.

Max: Hello? Speaking. My wife? Oh, my God, is she all right? Yes, Sir. I understand. I’ll be right there.

Adrian Monk is at his house with Kevin putting dishes in the dishwasher.

Kevin: You put the blades up? That is really interesting. I’m always afraid I’ll cut myself. Yeah, I’m a blade down man. But that’s what makes horse races. Am I right? Doesn’t mean we still can’t be friends.
Monk: Actually, I run them twice. Blades up and then blades down.
That’s fascinating. Oh, is that dishwasher safe? Let me just…

Kevin takes the bowl from Mr. Monk, and looks at its bottom.

Kevin: Yes, it is. Funny story, I have a casserole dish. It was a gift from my sister, not the sister you met. The one who used to live in Milwaukee but moved to Saint Paul last summer. Well, not summer, per se…

Adrian Monk takes the bowl from Kevin.

Monk: Kevin, it doesn’t matter.
Kevin: Anyway, the dish didn’t say “dishwasher safe.”
Monk: Yeah.
Kevin: But you know what? I took a chance, because you only go around once in this life.
Monk: That’s the best news I’ve heard all day.

The doorbell rings.

Kevin: Hmm. I’ll finish up. You get the door. How does that sound?

Adrian Monk opens the door to find a woman on the other side.

Woman: Mr. Monk?
Monk: Yeah?
Woman: I’m sorry to bother you at home. I read about you on the Internet, and I looked up your address. I don’t know where else to go.
Monk: I’m on the Internet?

The woman is sitting on his couch crying. Mr. Monk brings her a box of tissues.

Woman: Oh. Thank you.

The woman takes a tissue from the box.

Woman: Thank you.

She blows her nose, and Mr. Monk becomes uncomfortable.

Monk: If you could wait till my assistant gets here. She’s in charge of saying the right things.
Kevin: Adrian, I’m putting the tablespoons in front, the serving spoons in back. Any objections?
Monk: Kevin, it doesn’t matter.
Kevin: Okay.
Woman: My sister, Jeanette, died four weeks ago. There was a gas fireplace in…
Monk: Excuse me. Actually, I do prefer the serving spoons in the front.
Kevin: Really? In the front? Okay. You’re the boss.
Monk: Sorry. There was a fireplace…
Woman: There was a gas fireplace in the bedroom. It was turned on, and she was asphyxiated. This is a copy of the coroner’s inquest. They said it was an accident. But, Mr. Monk, Jeanette never used that fireplace. I know he killed her.
Monk: Who?
Woman: Her husband, Max. Getting a divorce would have cost him thirty million dollars. I’m…I’m sorry could I have another?
Monk: Here’s the thing, uh, I buy ten boxes at a time, and, uh, they have to last me the whole month.
Woman: Oh…
Monk: Oh, okay. Okay, okay.

Adrian Monk takes a tissue from the box, and separates a ply, and gives it to the woman.

Woman: Thanks.
Kevin: Okay, I’m pouring the detergent. You’re missing it.
Monk: Kevin, please. Please, I’m trying to talk to…I’m sorry.
Woman: Uh, Linda Riggs. Jeanette Hudson was my sister.
Kevin: Jeanette Hudson? Max Hudson’s wife?

Kevin gasps.

Linda: Yeah, everyone thinks he’s so funny. Jeanette was terrified of him. You know he once got arrested for assault. He has a terrible temper.
Kevin: So, you’ve actually met him?
Monk: Kevin.
Linda: Yes, I’ve met him! I think he killed my sister!
Kevin: What’s he like?
Linda: He’s a monster!
Monk: Kevin…
Kevin: Forget it. Withdrawn. Never said it. Excuse me. I have dishes to do.

Natalie Teeger accompanies Mr. Monk to the house of Max Hudson.

Natalie: Well, I don’t like that guy either. He’s such a bully. Have you ever heard his show?
Monk: I don’t think so. What station is he on?
Natalie: 99.9
Monk: Oh, so close.
Natalie: Well, I just don’t see how he could have done it. Have you looked at this?
Monk: Mmm.
Natalie: So, when Jeanette died, Max was on the radio doing a live show, and the night before, he’s in Los Angeles at a party. He hasn’t been home in two days.
Monk: I promised her sister I’d look into it. I had to. She was using up all my Kleenex.

Linda Riggs is at the front door waiting for Mr. Monk.

Monk: Hi.
Linda: I don’t think he’s home.
Monk: Did you tell him I was coming?

They look at the welcome mat that reads “Go Away.”

Natalie: No, Mr. Monk. That’s not for you. That’s a joke.
Monk: It’s a joke? How is that funny?
Natalie: Um, well, I guess it’s funny because it says the opposite of what a welcome mat would normally say.
Monk: So, it’s an opposite joke.
Natalie: Yeah. That’s right.

A neighbor with his Jack Russell arrives.

Neighbor: He’s not home. I live right there. I saw him leave about two hours ago.
Linda: Okay.
Natalie: That’s a nice dog.
Neighbor: Thank you.
Monk: That’s a nice cat.
Neighbor: Come on. Let’s go.
Linda: That’s it. This is still my sister’s home. I’m going in.

Linda uses her keys to enter Max Hudson’s house.

Adrian Monk enters the bedroom.

Linda: This is where she was found. One the bed. This morning I heard him joking about it on his show. I don’t know how somebody can joke about something like that.
Natalie: I don’t know. Anytime I’m at a restaurant or a store, and he’s on the radio, I just have to leave.
Linda: According to the police, Jeanette turned on the gas, then forgot that it was on and just went to sleep.

Adrian Monk examines the closet.

Monk: Uh-oh.
Natalie: What?
Monk: There’s only 39 shoes here. There’s one missing.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, is that important right now?
Monk: Looks like a dark brown Romano loafer. It’s about a size 10.5 or 11, I guess.
Natalie: Okay. Okay.

Natalie Teeger pulls Adrian Monk out of the closet.

Monk: It’s a ten and a half.
Natalie: Okay. Mr. Monk, Jeanette was found here.

Natalie points to the bed. Adrian Monk goes over to the gas valve.

Monk: So she turned it like this?

The gas starts to hiss.

Monk: And then forgot it was on? No.

Adrian Monk looks inside the fireplace. He groans, and falls on the floor.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Monk: Yeah.
Natalie: That’s gas.

Natalie Teeger turns the gas off.

Monk: Yeah, I’m…I’m fine. I’m fine. Just a little…little gas. According to the police report, the flue was…was closed.
Natalie: Right.
Monk: Right. Closed.

Adrian Monk inspects the flue, and leaves drop from it.

Monk: Look at this.
Natalie: Hmm.
Monk: It’s just…dried.

Adrian Monk tries to stand up, and loses his balance.

Natalie: Oh, no, no, no, no.
Monk: Dried…dried leaves. Fire would have burned them or charred them. No, this thing hasn’t been used in months, if ever.
Linda: That’s what I was saying.

Linda Riggs opens a window.

Linda: It couldn’t have been an accident.

Adrian Monk, still dizzy from the gas, falls on the chair.

Monk: So. You have the inventory there?
Natalie: Yes.
Monk: Are there any matches or cigarette lighters in the room?
Natalie: Um, no.
Monk: No, no. No matches anywhere. That makes no sense.

Adrian Monk examines the date book on the dresser.

Monk: She died on the 15th?
Linda: Yeah, that’s right. Two days before her tenth wedding anniversary. They always did something special. Go on a big trip…last year they went to Cabo.
Monk: But not this year. Look. July 17th. Tenth anniversary. Natalie, nothing written, nothing planned. Nothing erased.
Natalie: He knew she wouldn’t be around.
Monk: Linda, I think you’re right. I think he killed her.

Max Hudson is on the air at the radio station.

Max: I’m going to be down at the Book Barn on Market Street tomorrow signing copies of my new book, Sex, Lies and Radio. So, come on down, but get there early. I was at a book signing in Dallas last week and, I mean, it was freaking insane. It was a riot. It was on the news, and everything.
Willie: It’s an amazing book.
Max: Like you know. You can’t even read. You didn’t read it.
Willie: That’s true. I’m waiting for the movie.
J.J.: I read it, boss. Twice.
Willie: Kiss-ass.
Max: My master plan…

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger arrive at the radio station.

Natalie: Be very careful. He’s very quick.
Monk: I’m quick.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you’re not quick. You have to focus. He’ll try to make fun of you.
Monk: Why would he make fun of me? He doesn’t even know me.
Max: Howard Stern, if you’re listening, and I know you are, you’re going down, baby!
J.J.: Down!

A bomb exploding sound effect is played.

Adrian Monk looks at an inflatable dummy with a note on it that reads “Chairman of the FCC.” He goes over to the note to fix it.

Max: So, uh, let’s take some calls. Bill, from San Diego, you’re on the air.
Bill: Max, hey…

Natalie goes over to Mr. Monk.

Natalie: Please don’t do that.
Bill: I just read the book. It was amazing. Changed my life.
Max: Uh yeah, thanks. Mickey, Mickey, what…who the hell is that?
Mickey: His name’s Adrian Monk. He says you invited him down.
Max: Oh, yeah. The private dick.
Willie: Ouch.
Max: My sister-in-law hired a private detective.
J.J.: What’s he doing to Mr. Limpey?
Adrian Monk adds dots to the FCC.

Max: Monk! Monk…
Monk: Sir, please…

Natalie Teeger tries to grab the pen from Mr. Monk, and the men make sound effects as they watch Natalie and Mr. Monk struggle with the pen.

J.J.: Cat fight in our control room! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Willie: Go left! Go right!

Adrian Monk swings his hand, and accidentally pokes the inflatable dummy. The dummy pops, and is deflated.

Men in the booth: Oh!
J.J.: Oh my God! He killed Mr. Limpey!
Max: Monk! Get in here!
J.J.: Let’s go! He’s a maniac.
Natalie: Do not go in there.
Max: Monk, get in here, buddy. Come on, Monk. Hey, Detective, you want to talk to me? Now’s your chance, okay? It’s now or never. Don’t be afraid of me. I won’t bite you.
Willie: I’m the one that bites.

Willie snarls, while J.J. plays barking sounds.

Max: Don’t stop. Come on.
Monk: I’m just going to talk to him. I talk to people all the time.
Natalie: Yeah, but these aren’t people.
Max: Okay, here he comes.
Willie: The sleeves.
J.J.: Look at the sleeve.

Adrian Monk opens the door to the booth.

Max: Come on.

Willie snarls.

Max: Here he comes.

Adrian Monk enters the booth followed by Natalie.

Sexy Woman Sound: Hi.
J.J.: Oh, hello.
Max: Hello, there. Yeah. Who is this?
Monk: This is Natalie. She’s my assistant.
Max: Ooh, Natalie.
Willie: I think I need a little assistance.
Max: Me like.
Willie: I think I need some assistance.
Max: Give a little twirl, Natalie.
Natalie: No, thank you.
Max: No, thank you. Okay, she’s feisty. She’s brassy, she’s sassy, she’s got gusto!
Willie: Sassy, brassy, but she won’t show her…
Max: I like it! Doing the neck crank. You can’t see it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I talked to this guy last night. He wants to talk to me about what happened to Jeanette.
Natalie: Why don’t we talk about that after the show?
Max: You don’t get it, sugar bumps, he is the show. My life is the show. Detective, why don’t you have a seat, please? Somebody give him some headphones, please.

Adrian Monk goes to take a seat, while Natalie tries to stop him.

J.J.: Here you go, buddy.
Monk: I’m okay. It’s okay.
Natalie: Don’t do this.
Willie: Come on.
Natalie: Please be careful.
J.J.: This is exciting.

Adrian Monk takes the headphones.

Monk: Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.

J.J. records Monk’s voice, and plays it.

Monk’s Voice: Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.

The men laugh.

Monk’s Voice: Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
Max: Okay, folks, you got to see this. Uh, first of all, his shirt is buttoned up to his eyeballs, and he’s swabbing out his headphones with a baby wipe.
Monk: This is not a baby wipe. This is…this is an adult wipe.
Max: Oh, I’m corrected.
J.J.: You got to know the difference.
Willie: One of those, oh…
Max: Sorry about that one.
J.J.: Hey, Adrian, let me ask you something. When you go to a crime scene, do you take a police car or a short yellow bus?

Max claps.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you don’t have to answer that.
Monk: No, no, I’ll be happy to. I’ll be happy to answer that. Natalie drives me.
Max: Oh, I bet she does.

The men play a sexy woman’s sound. Natalie is mortified.

Max: She’s driving me, baby.
Willie: Who’s driving Natalie?
J.J.: Natalie.
Max: I want to change your tires.
J.J.: Natalie.
Willie: I’ll volunteer for that.

Adrian Monk wipes the microphone, and the irritating sound is heard over the airwaves.

Men in the booth: Ow!
Max: You’re hurting me.
Men in the booth: Ow! Oooh!
Max: This guy’s great. He’s possessed.
J.J.: You, Adrian!
Monk: Yo.

The men laugh. Max signals them to stop.

J.J.: What?
Max: Okay, we just lost a third of our audience. All righty, then. So just for the record, you’re here because of my sister-in-law?
Willie: Loony Linda.
Max: That’s right, Loony Linda, who thinks I murdered my wife. Isn’t that charming? So, what do you think, Mr. Monk?
Monk: Are we on the air?
Max: Yeah, we’re on the air, buddy. It’s okay. I have no secrets from my fans.
Monk: Oh, I think you do.
Men in the booth: Ooooh!
Max: Oh, okay. So you think I murdered my wife even though I was right here on the air, live, when she died.
Monk: Well, I do have a few questions.
Willie: Of course.
Monk: Because from what I’ve seen it seems unlikely that that bedroom fireplace was ever used. According to the crime scene photos, the fireplace flue was closed and there were no matches anywhere.
Max: Okay, that’s great. Very compelling. Compelling cross-examination. Uh, how’s this? Uh, you can ask me three questions, which I will answer right here in front of 4 million witnesses if Natalie sits on Willie’s lap.

The men exclaim.

Willie: Please, please.
Monk: Natalie, don’t do it, Natalie. It’s atrick.
Willie: Do it.
J.J.: Adrian, I thought you’d like to know that the last guy who wore those headphones had head lice.

Adrian Monk panics, and immediately removes his headphones.

Monk: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe.

The men imitate Adrian Monk.

Men: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!

Adrian Monk runs out to the control room.

Natalie: You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Max: I agree. I should be, but I’m not.

Natalie Teeger walks out the booth.

J.J.: Oh! And there, we’ve got the view.

Natalie turns around.

Max: There she goes. She gave us a twirl.

Natalie Teeger, and Adrian Monk are at Captain Stottlemeyer’s office.

Monk: I think he’s the guy.
Natalie: I do, too. At least I hope he is.
Stottlemeyer: Max Hudson? The jerk on the radio?
Monk: According to her sister, his wife had recently started taking sleeping pills, thirty milligrams.
Natalie: Which is the maximum dosage.
Monk: And it was Max’s suggestion.
Natalie: He called the doctor personally to get the prescription.
Monk: Here’s what happened. Max is out of town. It’s a perfect alibi. He knows his wife is going to take those pills, so she’s out cold.

Randy Disher who is sitting behind Adrian Monk tries hard not to laugh.

Stottlemeyer: Something funny?
Randy: No, sorry.
Monk: He knows his wife won’t be waking up. So, he has one of his guys…

Randy once again contains his laughter.

Stottlemeyer: Randy? Do you want to share it with the rest of the class?
Randy: I’m sorry. I just…I heard you on the show. You really got zung.
Natalie: Oh, my God, you listen to that creep?
Randy: I think he’s great…ting. It’s grating.

Randy stammers.

Randy: Degrading. Degrading to women. I keep listening, hoping he’ll grow up, but he never does.
Monk: Anyway, one of his guys…
Randy: Goons. They’re called goons. The Goon Platoon.
Monk: Goons. One of his goons, thank you, snuck into the house, turns on the gas…
Randy: Could have been J.J. The guy’s a joke machine. He’s been with Max for fifteen years. I mean, since Philadelphia.
Monk: Whoever it was turned on the gas, closed the bedroom door. She never woke up.
Stottlemeyer: Right. How did they get in the house?
Natalie: Max made an extra key.
Stottlemeyer: Sounds good, but it doesn’t track. This is new. It’s from the security company.

Captain Stottlemeyer shows Adrian Monk a floor plan of the house.

Stottlemeyer: That house is wired. It’s monitored 24-7. Sealed tight. No door or window was opened all night long. No one, no thing came in or out.
Natalie: Well, what about that window? It says open.
Stottlemeyer: That is a ventilation window to the basement. It only opens eight inches.
Randy: Little Willie.
Stottlemeyer: Who?
Randy: Little Willie. He’s a little person. He’d do anything for Max. Last week he ate his own weight in bologna. Jiggle me timbers! I think I just solved this case.
Natalie: “Jiggle me timbers”?
Randy: Yeah, something that…I heard it on the radio. I don’t remember who says it.
Stottlemeyer: I don’t know. I mean, we don’t even know if a little person can get through an eight-inch window.
Randy: Sure they could.
Stottlemeyer: It’s awful small.
Randy: Monk, could a little person fit through an eight-inch window?
Monk: I’m proud to say I don’t know.
Stottlemeyer: Look, we don’t even know where this Little Willie person was the night she died.
Randy: Wait a minute, we can settle it right now. They’re all downtown at a book signing. We go down, we talk to Little Willie. If we get a chance, if it happens to come up we measure the circumference of his head then divide it by pi or something.
Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Monk: I think we have to check it out.

Adrian Monk with Natalie Teeger, Captain Stottlemeyer, and Randy Disher arrive at the book signing. A guy blatantly burps.

Randy: See that guy over there? He’s on the show all the time they call him the Burpinator.
Natalie: Really? The Burpinator’s here? Is he single? Do you think you could introduce me?
Randy: Yeah, sure. Come on.
Natalie: I was kidding. You knew that, right? I was kidding.
Stottlemeyer: Come on, Randy. Let’s get this over it.

Captain Stottlemeyer followed by Randy Disher walk over to Little Willie.

Stottlemeyer: William Karelli?
Willie: That’s me.
Stottlemeyer: Hi, a word with you.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher pulls aside Little Willie.

Stottlemeyer: I’m Captain Leland Stottlemeyer. This is Lieutenant Disher.
Randy: We’re big fans. Not big height. I love the show.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, we are looking into the death of Jeanette Hudson.
Willie: Why? There was an inquest. It was an accident. Don’t you guys talk to each other?
Stottlemeyer: You’re probably right. There’s just a few loose ends that, uh, we want to look into. Where were you the night she died?
Willie: Where was I? I was on the air.
Stottlemeyer: No, I mean before that. The night before. I know Max was in Los Angeles, but you didn’t go with him.

Randy Disher tries to measure Little Willie’s head with his hands.

Willie: That’s true. I was with my wife and kid. I got nothing more to say to you guys. You want to talk? Talk to my lawyer.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, I’m not done talking to you yet.

Randy Disher once again tries to measure Little Willie’s head. Little Willie feels Randy’s hand.

Stottlemeyer: Thank you very much.
Randy: Thank you, Man. I’m a big fan. Just nice to meet you.

Randy shakes Little Willie’s hand with both hands keeping the width of Little Willie’s head. Randy Disher walks away.

Randy: Tape measure.
Natalie: Hold on, hold on, hold on. It was right here.
Randy: Hurry up.
Natalie: Hold on, hold on, hold on. It was right here. It was right here.

Natalie Teeger pulls out the tape measure from her bag, and measure the gap between Randy’s hands.

Natalie: You’re moving your hands.
Randy: I’m not.
Stottlemeyer: I don’t know what the hell this is, but it isn’t police work.
Natalie: Ten and a half inches.
Randy: What? He’s not the guy.
Natalie: We’re all going to hell.
Monk: Just wait here.

Adrian Monk walks over to Max Hudson, and tries to get a book signed.

Max: Well, well, well, the defective detective.

J.J. and Little Willie laugh. Mr. Monk hands over the book to Max.

Max: You’re not going to like it.
Monk: I know. I read a couple of pages. It’s nothing but toilet-talk, and opposite jokes, right?
Max: Uh-huh. So, how would you like me to sign it?
Monk: How aobut, “I confess”?
Max: I’ll be talking a little break. Come with me.

Max Hudson speaks privately with Adrian Monk.

Max: You don’t think what happened to Jeanette was an accident, do you?
Monk: No.
Max: Yeah. I’m going to tell you something just between us. Man to man. I loved Jeanette, but she was sick. She was clinically depressed.
Monk: Depressed?
Max: Yeah. Her own family didn’t even know. She turned on the gas, closed the door and…
Monk: Suicide?
Max: Yeah, I tried everything. See, you happy now?
Monk: Was she seeing a doctor or a psychiatrist?
Max: Uh, she never went. She wouldn’t go.
Monk: And she didn’t even tell her sister? And you dealt with this clinical depression by mocking her on the air? And not making any plans for your anniversary? I’m ont buying it. You killed her.
Max: How? Huh? How could I possibly could have killed her? The house was locked. I was on the radio.
Monk: I don’t know yet. According to your publicist…
Max: You know what, no. That’s it. That’s it. You have any questions for me, you talk to my lawyer. Unless you want to come back on the show.
Monk: On the show?
Max: I’ll talk to you anytime, about anything, on the air. What about Monday morning?

Monk is speechless. Max gives him a soft slap on the face.

Max: I didn’t think so.
Monk: Natalie, Natalie. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.
Man: Hey, there’s the “Wipe” guy!
Man: Wipe! Wipe!
People: Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
Stottlemeyer: Well, I think our work here is done.

Adrian Monk is at his house with Kevin and Natalie vacuuming.

Natalie: Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk, come on, you have to call the Captain.
Monk: I can’t hear you.
Natalie: Oh, God.

Natalie pulls the plug of the vacuum.

Natalie: You heard me. If you think Max Hudson killed his wife, then we need to call the Captain.
Monk: And tell him what? I have no proof?
Kevin: Okay, let me see if I understand. One, you need proof. One A, to get this proof, you need to talk to your suspect. One B, your suspect won’t talk to you unless you go on his show. One C, omitted. Two, you’re afraid to go back on the show because you think he might embarrass you.
Monk: No, no. I’m not afraid. I’m terrified. There’s a big difference. You heard what happened it was a massacre. He ripped me apart in there. I felt like I was back in 7th grade.
Natalie: Okay, then, the next time you go on, you’ll know what to expect.
Monk: No, it won’t help, because I can’t fight back. I’m just not funny. I’m not funny.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that is not true.
Monk: Natalie, you’ve known me for three years. Have I ever said anything funny?
Natalie: Yeah…um…
Monk: Kevin, have I ever said anything funny?
Kevin: That’s a good question. Okay, let’s see. I met you in October 1998. First week, no. You were kind of a gloomy Gus. Second week…

Kevin pauses for a long time.

Kevin: No. Third week.

Kevin laughs.

Kevin: Yes. The…wait. Sorry, no. That wasn’t you. It was Arsenio Hall. He’s hilarious.
Monk: It’s like a blind spot. It’s like everybody else in the world can speak another language that I can’t learn. Maybe it’s genetic. I don’t remember my parents ever laughing.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, that is not possible. Everybody laughs. You’re just blocking it out.
Monk: Sit down. Sit down. I want to show you something.

Adrian Monk takes a videotape from his shelf.

Monk: Sit down. These are home movies my brother Ambrose edited together for me.
Kevin: Oh, what a treat. Mr. Monk, I love home movies. They always make me feel better about my own family.

Adrian Monk plays the home movie of him as a toddler. Natalie laughs.

Natalie: Oh, is that you? Look at you.
Monk: That’s my Aunt Clara.

The toddler Adrian Monk tries to pull his right sleeve so that it’s aligned with his left sleeve. The next scene shows Adrian Monk as a teen sitting with three other members of his family.

Natalie: Did somebody die?
Monk: Christmas morning.

The next video is of Adrian hiding behind a tree.

Monk: That’s me playing hide.
Natalie: You mean hide-and-seek?
Monk: You still don’t get it, do you?

The next video is of a children’s party.

Monk: Oh, this one is my cousin’s birthday party.

Everybody at the party is having fun. Adrian Monk is alone sitting at the corner chair.

Monk: And there’s me.
Kevin: Got a balloon there.

The young Adrian Monk goes over to the clown with his animal balloon, and whispers something to the clown. The clown unties the balloon so it returns to its original shape.

Monk: I don’t remember his name.
Kevin: Huh.

The young Adrian Monk returns to his chair to play with his straight balloon. The next video is of the Monk family on a picnic. They all sit in silence on their own picnic blankets exactly some feet apart from each other. Natalie turns off the TV.

Monk: Oh, there’s more. There’s a lot more.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that’s the saddest movie I’ve ever seen.

Natalie Teeger gives Adrian Monk a hug.

Natalie: I’m not hugging you. I’m hugging the little boy in that movie.
Kevin: I am so sorry.

Later that night, Kevin knocks on Mr. Monk’s door.

Monk: Kevin, what time is it?
Kevin: Did I ever tell you about my uncle?
Monk: No.
Kevin: Sy Dorfman? You’ve heard of Milton Berle, right? Uncle Miltie.
Monk: Uh, yeah.
Kevin: Well, they were contemporaries. Worked a lot of the same venues. Had a lot of friends in common.
Monk: Okay.
Kevin: Take a seat. Come on. When I think about all the great Milton Berle stories, they would tell Uncle Sy and then he would relay to me. And when he died, he left me this.

Kevin opens a box of index cards.

Kevin: It’s his joke file.
Monk: Professional jokes?
Kevin: Field-tested. Guaranteed. You want to go back on the Max Hudson show, right? Well, here’s your chance to give him a taste of the medicine that he prescribes.

Adrian Monk reads one of the index cards.

Monk: “For the first year of my marriage, I thought the only flavor was charcoal.”

Kevin laughs.

Monk: Huh?
Kevin: Yeah. Because she was a bad cook. She burned everything.
Monk: Oh.
Kevin: You see?
Monk: That’s good. Oh, wow. That’s powerful. Are they all that good?
Kevin: Well, he performed a lot of them at my bar mitzvah, and he killed.
Monk: Oh, thank you, Kevin. Wow. All right, let’s see. Yeah. I’ll take some “Mother-In-Laws”.
Kevin: Mmm-hmm.
Monk: “Hippie Jokes”, I bet those are good.
Kevin: Those are good.
Monk: And what are these, the red ones?
Kevin: Those are his dirty jokes. He only used those when he was in real trouble.
Monk: I’ll just take one of those. I think I’ll change that to “B.M.”
Kevin: Yeah, that still works.

At the radio station…

Mickey: Hey, Max, guess who’s back? The “psycho-wipey” detective.
J.J.: Monk? Spunky Monkey is here? I didn’t think he had the nerve, the way he skedaddled out of here last time.
Willie: Is the blonde with him? Natalie! I love you!
J.J.: Well, that’s disgusting.
Max: Hey, well, let’s bring him on inside here. Let’s hear what’s on his so-called mind.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, maybe we should wait for the Captain.
Monk: No, no, no, no. Look.

Adrian Monk pulls out index cards from his suit pocket.

Natalie: What are those?
Monk: Those are golden bullets.
Natalie: What are you talking about? What are those cards? What are you doing?
Monk: Don’t worry. It’s in the bag.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk!
Willie.: He’s scared. Pull the sleeve. Here’s the sleeve, and the sleeve.

Adrian Monk enters the booth. The men cheer.

Monk: HI, Max, J.J., Willie. Did you guys miss me?

J.J. plays Monk’s voice on tape.

Monk’s Voice: Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.

The men laugh.

Max: Well, well, well, look who’s back.
Monk: Surprised?
Max: Uh, more like annoyed, actually. For those of you who missed it last week, Adrian Monk is a private detective who was hired by my ex-sister-in-law, who’s delusional, because she thinks I killed my wife. So, what can we do for you today, Mr. Monk?
Monk: Well…for three weeks before Jeanette died, you left the house at two o’clock every afternoon.
Max: Yes.
Monk: According to her sister, you said you were going to the gym.
Max: That’s right.
Monk: Well, I went to your gym, and they said you haven’t been there in six months. So, my first question is what were you doing at two o’clock every day?
Max: Well, uh, that’s really none of your business, but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s no secret, Jeanette and I had an understanding. We had what some people would call an open marriage.
J.J.: In my house it’s called “The Impossible Dream”.
Max: So, uh, you’re absolutely right, I did not go to the gym. I was getting a different kind of workout.
J.J.: Yeah, baby!

Willie dings the bell. Max motorboats.

Max: For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Max, one.
J.J.: Monk, nothing.
Monk: You want to play? Okay, let’s…let’s play.

Kevin is at Monk’s kitchen listening to the radio.

Kevin: Oh, hear we go.

Adrian Monk secretly pulls out the index cards from his sleeve.

Monk: You know, Max, you like you’re out of shape when you go to a restaurant, you don’t use a fork, you use a harpoon.

Nobody laughs.

Max: Uh, what?
Monk: You heard me. When you took your dog to the dog show, you won the first prize, not your dog.

J.J. plays the sound of crickets chirping.

Max: Yeah, that’s not funny.

J.J. plays the sound of a wolf howling. Adrian Monk reads another one of his index cards.

Monk: Yes, it is.
Max; No, no, it’s not.
Monk: Yes, it is. You know who you remind me of? The hippie who came home and gave his dog fleas.
Willie: Hippie? What year is this?
Monk: Actually, you remind me of several different hippies, like the hippie who moved into a new apartment and it was six months before he realized there was no hot water.

Max groans. Adrian Monk turns around to Natalie in the control room to give her a thumbs up. Natalie is embarrassed.

Monk: I’m sorry, but you had that coming.
Max: Yeah, um, Adrian. Are you telling jokes, buddy?
Mickey: Max, you got a caller.
Willie: Thank God.
Kevin on the phone: Hello, Mr. Hudson. Longtime listener, first time caller.
Max: Yeah.
Kevin: I love the show.
Max: Thank you.
Kevin: I can’t believe I got through. Listen, I just got back from Los Angeles and the smog was terrible. I was wondering if anyone there ahs any thoughts on the subject?
Max: Uh…
Monk: Max, I’ll take this one. I know what he means. The smog was so bad, one time I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.

Kevin puts his hand on the mouthpiece just so the people on the radio won’t hear his laugh.

Monk: In the air. Stuck. It was smog.

J.J. plays the sound of toilet water, and farting.

Monk: Yeah. Yeah, J.J., that sound effect is about as funny as my wife’s cooking.

Kevin tries to contain his laughter.

Monk: You know what she made every night?
Max: A noose?

The men laugh.

Monk: No, no, not a noose. Leftovers. Why would she make a noose?
Max: Yeah, seriously, though, are you married? Because that’s a woman I would love to meet.

The men laugh.

Monk: I was married. Her name was Trudy. She died. She was murdered. It was a car bomb.
J.J.: Oh, man, that sucks. May she rest in peace.
Max: Well, rest in pieces. I mean, at least my wife was buried in a coffin. What was Trudy buried in? A bunch of little snack bags?
Natalie: Oh, my God. Let me in there!

Natalie tries to get into the booth, but the door is locked.

Willie: Whoa, whoa, Max, take it easy.
Max: No, seriously, you should have called me in. I could have helped you with the case. I’m great with jigsaw puzzles.
Monk: Are you joking about Trudy?

Max imitates a woman’s voice.

Max: “Adrian, I want to use the car now, go for a drive. What’s this button do?”

Max imitates an explosion.

Max: Bet you needed a whole bunch of wipes that day, huh? Hey, by the way, you know the last thing that went through your wife’s mind? The steering wheel!

Adrian Monk attacks Max Hudson.

Max: Seriously!
Natalie: Mr. monk! Oh, my God, Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk! Oh, my God.

The men pull apart Adrian Monk and Max Hudson. A security guard pulls Mr. Monk out of the booth.

Max: Thanks for stopping by, Adrian. Come by anytime. We’ll be right back.

Adrian Monk visits Max Hudson’s house once again, but this time with Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Randy Disher.

Monk: Did you hear him? Did you hear what he said about Trudy?
Randy: Yeah. We were in the car. We had to pull over. I couldn’t even drive.
Monk: That wasn’t funny, was it?
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, it was unspeakable.
Stottlemeyer: Here’s what I was thinking. Number one, sounded like you got a couple of good shots in. I was proud of you. And two, he sounded scared. Scared and guilty.
Natalie: He is guilty.
Stottlemeyer: Twenty-five years to live, that’s the best revenge. So let’s just take a deep breath. Let’s focus. And let’s figure out how he did this.
Monk: Okay.

A dog barks.

Monk: Okay. Okay, he was on…on the radio, doing his show and the house was locked.
Stottlemeyer: Locked and bolted from inside.
Monk: The little window in the back was open, but only eight inches.
Randy: Not big enough for a little person, which has already been established scientifically.

Adrian Monk becomes annoyed with the barking dog. He goes over to check it out, and sees the dog biting a shoe, while its owner tries to get it away from the dog.

Neighbor: Oh, here he comes, here he comes. Oh, he’s got it.
Monk: Is that a loafer?
Natalie: Yeah, I think so.
Monk: A brown Romano loafer, size ten and a half.
Randy: How do you now that?
Neighbor: Oh, ah, hello again. Ah, he’s not bothering you, is he?
Monk: No, no, no, just curious. Where did he get that shoe?
Neighbor: Oh, hell, it’s not yours is it? I am so sorry. He has a thing for shoes. I don’t know where he got this shoe. He just had it when we got back from our vacation.
Stottlemeyer: You were on vacation?
Neighbor: Hawaii. We go every July.
Monk: Who was watching the dog?
Neighbor: Oh, you’re not gonna believe it. I still can’t believe it. Max Hudson. He just volunteered. I mean, you’d think a guy like that would have better things to do.

Max Hudson arrives in his Porsche at his house where the police is waiting for him.

Max: What, uh…what’s going on?
Randy: Well, I could tell you, but Adrian Monk wants to tell you himself. He’s upstairs. After you.

Max Hudson enters his bedroom, and finds Monk, Natalie, Linda, and Captain Stottlemeyer there waiting for him.

Max: Linda? Uh-huh. I don’t know the legal definition of harassment, but this is pretty close.
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hudson, that’s a search warrant. You’ve been duly served.
Max: Ah, sure, okay. Knock yourself out. You’re just embarrass yourselves, again.
Monk: It’s over, Max. We know how you did it. We know what you were doing every day at two o’clock.
Natalie: You were next door.
Max: That’s right, I was. I was house sitting. I was watering their plants.
Monk: No, you were training their dog.
Captain: We replayed the tape of the show you made the morning your wife died. That was the day you introduced your new catchphrase, “Jangle my tenders.”
Randy: “Jiggle me timbers”, Sir.
Captain: Jiggle me timbers.
Randy: You never said it before that day or since. I’m a big fan. Well, I was. Unless you’re not guilty, in which case, we’re all really sorry about all this. Although, I’m pretty sure you’re guilty. But if you’re not, I’m sorry.
Max: This is insane.
Stottlemeyer: Well, it’s easy enough to prove.

Captain Stottlemeyer radios one of his officers.

Stottlemeyer: Let’s do it.

The police officer assigned to play the tape is at the neighbor’s lawn with the neighbor, and his dog. The police plays the tape.

Max on tape: Friday and, by the way, I saw it last night. Jiggle me timbers!

The dog runs to Max Hudson’s house.

Willie: Where did you get that? “Jiggle me timbers”…

The Jack Russel jumps through bushes to Max Hudson’s side alley.

Monk: The new catchphrase, that was your command.

The dog enters the house through the basement window, and up the stairs.

Monk: That dog was your accomplice. You worked with him everyday for a month. You trained him to murder your wife. That morning you could have been a hundred miles away. You left his cage open, and a radio on. All you had to do was go on the air, and give the command.
Randy: You knew Jeanette would be fast asleep.
Linda: You knew she’d never wake up.
Natalie: Here he comes.

The Jack Russel runs to the room. It turns on the gas valve, and shuts the door on its way out. Adrian Monk turns off the gas valve.

Stottlemeyer: You made one big mistake. Your partner, your accomplice, he’s got a thing for shoes. He stole one of yours, and brought it home.
Linda: So, is he under arrest?
Stottlemeyer: Yes, he is.
Linda: Thank you, Mr. Monk.

Linda Riggs gives Adrian Monk a hug.

Randy: You heard the lady, Max. You’re under arrest. Give me your hands.

Adrian Monk walks over to Max Hudson.

Monk: You’re not laughing now, are you? Are you?
Max: No, I’m not laughing.
Monk: Join the club.

Adrian Monk sits in his living room watching a video of his wedding day. Adrian Monk gives his wife a kiss. He makes the first slice of their wedding cake, and puts some on Trudy’s nose. He and his wife laugh. Trudy does the same to him, and he laughs.

Trudy: I love how you laugh.

Trudy kisses him on the cheek.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Is On The Air” episode was written by Josh Siegal and Dylan Morgan. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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