Sunday, July 24, 2011

Mr. Monk and the Leper – Monk Transcript 5.10

Mr Monk and the LeperNatalie Teeger sits inside the car, while Adrian Monk enters a smoky bar. Adrian Monk speaks to the bartender.

Monk: Hello. Your liquor license has expired. It’s probably all right. My name is Adrian Monk, I’m meeting someone. Continue reading...

The bartender points to a man sitting at the darkest corner of the bar. Adrian monk makes his way to the corner booth.

Man: Mr. Monk? Thank you for coming. Sit down.

Adrian Monk complies.

Man: I know your work, I’m a big fan.

The man extends his hand, and Adrian Monk shakes it then wipes his hand.

Monk: There’s, uh, more light over there.
Man: I prefer the dark. You obviously got my note.
Monk: And the money. $500 to meet you alone for ten minutes. It’s very generous.
Man: There’s more where that came from. I have a job to offer you, Mr. Monk. It will take you one night. Not even one night. Two hours. I’m willing to pay you $20,000 for your trouble.

Adrian Monk coughs.

Man: My name is Derek Bronson.
Monk: Bronson. Bronson Technologies? I…I thought he…you…
Man: You thought I was dead.
Derek: Most days I wish I was. I was ballooning solo up the coast. I’d done it a thousand times. That day, seven years ago, the trade-wind shifted. Everybody assumed I was lost at sea. Actually, I landed on a small island, west of Guam.
Monk: And you stayed there for seven years?
Derek: I could have come back years ago. But I got sick. Would you like to ehar about the job?
Monk: Yes, of course, but first, I have a couple of questions. Um, “sick” is a funny word. Could mean anything from a mild headache to…
Derek: When I say sick, I mean sick. Mr. Monk…

Derek Bronson wearing a rag around his head, takes off his sunglasses, and moves his face near the light.

Derek: I am a leper.

Adrian Monk runs out of the bar shaking his right hand.

Natalie: Oh, there you are. I was getting worried about you.
Monk: Just get in. Get in. Start the car.
Natalie: Well, what happened?
Monk: Tell you later. Just get out of here. Uh! What are you doing?

Adrian Monk frantically pulls the car’s handle.

Monk: Unlock the door.
Natalie: It’s a new car.

Natalie Teeger struggles to unlock the car.

Monk: Oh, Natalie, please.
Natalie: It must be this button. I don’t know.
Monk: Forget it!

Adrian Monk starts running away.

Natalie: Wait, Mr. Monk, where are you going?
Monk: I’ll meet you back at the house.

The car beeps, and the doors unlock.

Natalie: Wait, Mr. Monk. I got it! I got it. I got it. Mr. Monk, I got it! I got it!

Adrian Monk continues to run.

Monk: No, I got it!

Natalie Teeger watches Adrian Monk painfully scrub his right hand.

Monk: Any more soap?
Natalie: That’s it.
Monk: No,I mean, is there any more soap in San Francisco.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you’ve been scrubbing your hand for nine hours. I’m surprised you have any skin left.
Monk: It’s not coming out. I can still feel it. I think it’s spreading.

Adrian Monk pulls out a can from under the sink.

Natalie: What are you doing? Is that kerosene?

Mr. Monk pours kerosene on his hand then pulls out a lighter, and turns to Natalie.

Monk: Light me.
Natalie: What?
Monk: For the love of God. Light me!
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, I’m not gonna light your hand on fire.
Monk: Fine.

Adrian Monk goes over to the stove with a boiling pot. He puts his left hand over his eyes, and screams as he goes to put his hand in the pot. Natalie stops him.

Natalie: You know what? You know what? Get away. You are overreacting, all right. All you did was shake a man’s hand.
Monk: You’re right. You know what? I’m glad it happened. The worst possible thing that could ever happen to me has happened. I shook hands with a leper, and I survived.
Natalie: Exactly.
Monk: The worst moment of my life is behind me now.

Adrian Monk wipes his hand.

Monk: I’m free. Wait.

Adrian Monk straightens out one of his pots.

Monk: Okay, now, I’m free.
Natalie: Actually, Mr. Monk, it’s not completely over. Don’t be mad, but I talked to Mr. Bronson.
Monk: You did what? What?!
Natalie: He called here this morning.
Monk: The leper! He called me? On what phone? On this phone?

Adrian Monk points to the kitchen phone.

Natalie: Yes.

He pulls the roll of paper towel.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you can’t catch anything over the phone.

Mr. Monk takes the phone, and puts it in the trash without touching it.

Monk: Oh, oh, oh, hang on. Now all of a sudden, you’re an expert on lepers?
Natalie: Okay, you know? Mr. Monk, he’s a nice man, all right? He’s in pain. He was crying his eyes out and…okay, listen to me. He upped his offer. He said he would pay you $25,000. All you have to do is meet him again.
Monk: Natalie, listen. Let me explain something to you. No!
Natalie: That’s it? That’s your argument?
Monk: Okay, let’s go through it. “A”, whatever he’s asking us to do is probably illegal. “B” through “Z”, the man is a leper!
Natalie: You know what, I don’t know anything about leprosy, and neither do you. So, I called a doctor. He’s a specialist. He said we could come in, and talk with him. Let’s just see what he recommends, okay? I mean, it can’t hurt to listen, right? Twenty-five thousand dollars.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger visit the specialist’s office. Adrian Monk looks at the woman scratching her arm. He starts to hold his breath.

Natalie: Are you okay? Are you holding your breath?

Natalie Teeger squeezes Mr. Monk’s cheeks to let the air out. Adrian Monk starts scratching. Natalie notices a picture on the wall. She walks over it.

Natalie: Is that Randy? Oh, my God, that is so funny.

Natalie Teeger looks at four photos of Randy Disher, his face covered with pimples.

Natalie: Not funny in a “ha-ha” way, but funny in “Oh, boy, this’ll really embarrass him” way.

The doctor arrives.

Doctor: Ms. Teeger? Sorry to keep you waiting, I’m Dr. Polanski.

Natalie Teeger shakes Dr. Polansksi’s hand.

Natalie: Hi.
Polanski: Hi.
Natalie: So…so nice to meet you. This is my boss, this is Adrian Monk.
Polanski: Hi.

Adrian Monk shakes Dr. Polanski’s and. Mr. Monk snaps his fingers to signal that he needs a wipe.

Natalie: Thank you for seeing us. It won’t take much of your time.
Polanski: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.
Natalie: Oh, Doctor, could I ask you one thing?
Polanski: Certainly.
Natalie: Right over here.

Natalie Teeger leads Dr. Polanski to the wall of photos.

Polanski: What?
Natalie: Is that Randy Disher?
Polanski: Yeah, Randall was one of my first patients. Do you know him? I know Randy Disher, I don’t know that kid. Well, you know, teen years. I don’t know how any of us survived it. We could talk over here. Come on.

Natalie Teeger follows Dr. Polanski.

Polanski: Mr. Monk? You’re not gonna catch anything in here. I promise. Come on.

Adrian Monk follows Dr. Polanski and Natalie Teeger to the foyer.

Polanski: Now, what can I do for you?
Monk: Could you explain to my friend that leprosy is a serious condition? Very contagious.
Polanski: Well, actually, that’s a common misconception.
Monk: See?
Polanski: For one thing, it’s not called leprosy anymore. It’s called Hansen’s disease. It’s quite rare. Most people are naturally immune to it, and if you do happen to contract it, it’s easily treatable with an antibiotic called Halazzen.
Natalie: See, I’ve been talking to this man, he wants to hire us, but he’s allergic to Halazzen.
Polanski: Yes, that does happen. Is his condition full-blown?
Monk: Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes, yes. Yes, full-blown. Full-blown.
Polanski: Sir?
Monk: Full-blown.
Polanski: I don’t think you have to worry. As I said, it’s not very contagious. I’ve been practicing for fifteen years, and I’ve only seen one case first-hand.
Monk: I can’t do it. I just…I can’t do it.
Polanski: Well, how about this? If you do contract the disease, I’ll treat you for free.
Monk: What the hell are you talking about? How about this? We never call the guy back, we don’t see him again. I avoid him like the plague. Yeah. You know what? Exactly like the plague.
Natalie: You know what, Adrian? Can I just talk to you for a second, please? If you’ll just excuse us. Please.

Natalie Teeger pulls aside Mr. Monk.

Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk. Did you hear what he just said?
Monk: No.
Natalie: He said it’s almost impossible to catch.
Monk: Yeah. In that sentence, for me, the word “almost”, is really the most interesting word.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Bronson has an affliction. He needs our compassion, and understanding. You know what? Let me let you in on a little secret, Mr. Monk. You’re no picnic, either. A lot of people would rather not deal with you, but they do. They reach out to you. And Mr. Bronson is offering us a lot of money to do the same thing, okay? And I’ve been talking to him. You wouldn’t even have to shake his hand.
Monk: Good. Good, because I would rather die than have to shake his hand again.
Natalie: You don’t even have to look at him. All you have to do is go back to that bar, and sit and listen to what he has to say. You just sit there and listen.

Adrian Monk scratches his head.

Natalie: Stop it! Stop.

Adrian Monk meets Derek Bronson once again.

Derek: Thank you for coming, Mr. Monk. I was afraid you wouldn’t wanna see me again.
Monk: Why would you think that? My assistant is over there.

Adrian Monk who is seating two booths away from Derek Bronson’s, points at Natalie who is over at the corner table.

Monk: I know she’d like to meet you.
Derek: I’m sorry. I can’t bear to have a woman see me. Not like this. I’m hideous.
Monk: No. I wouldn’t say hideous exactly.
Derek: Believe it or not, women used to find me quite attractive. I never went home alone. After I married Mandy, I resisted those kinds of temptations. At least, I usually resisted them.
Monk: Oh, my God!
Derek: Have I offended you?
Monk: No. No, sorry, you just leaned into the light, sorry.
Derek: I had an affair. That was my first mistake. She wrote me some letters, which I kept. That was mistake number two. In a week, there’ll be a probate hearing. I’ll be officially declared dead. The vultures are gonna go through my office. Reading every file, opening every drawer. They’ll find the letters. The letters themselves don’t mean anything to me, but they would destroy my wife. Mr. Monk, I wanna hire you to break into my home, find the letters, and bring them back.
Monk: That’s the job?
Derek: It’s still my house so you wouldn’t be breaking any law.
Monk: Why don’t you just do it yourself?

Derek Bronson gets up from his seat. Adrian Monk begins to panic. Natalie Teeger tries to calm him down.

Derek: I tried. I just couldn’t do it. That house, that life, everything I’ve lost. It’s just too painful.

Derek Bronson puts on Adrian Monk’s table a piece of paper.

Derek: I’ve drawn you a map. Everything you need. The layout, the security codes.
Monk: I just have one question. Why me? I’m not a thief.
Derek: Exactly. You’re an honorable man.

Derek Bronson sits opposite Adrian Monk.

Derek: You won’t turn around, and try to blackmail me. Mr. Monk, I am at your mercy. I’m reaching out to you.

Derek Bronson extends his hand on the table.

Monk: That’s okay. I get it. You don’t have to, really. Reach…I get it.
Derek: Will you help me?

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger speak about the conversation Mr. Monk just had with Derek Bronson.

Natalie: So, what happened?
Monk: I took the job.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger are wearing black outfits. Natalie Teeger conspicuously carries the ladder to the wall.

Monk: Be careful.
Natalie: I could use some help.
Monk: I am helping. I just told you to be careful.
Natalie: Wish we had more time.
Monk: No, no, no, no. It has to be tonight. The leper said his wife goes into town every Friday to visit her mother.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, please stop calling him “The Leper”. He has a name.
Monk: Believe me, he’s got other things to worry about. Car! Car!

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger hide behind the bushes.

Natalie: Ow!
Monk: Get down!

The cars pass.

Monk: Okay. Now!

Natalie Teeger runs towards the ladder. Mr. Monk is behind her.

Monk: Hurry! What are you waiting for? Go.

Natalie Teeger climbs up the ladder, and jumps on the other side of the wall.

Natalie: Okay, you’re next.
Monk: No, it’s, uh, it’s wobbly. Somebody has to hold it.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I can’t come back. I’m already over.
Monk: Oh, it’s too wobbly. Look, it’s all wobbly. I can’t climb this. Why is it so wobbly?

Natalie Teeger runs over to Adrian Monk.

Monk: How did you do that?
Natalie: I opened the gate.
Monk: Good thinking. Okay, hold the ladder.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, the gate is open.
Monk: Natalie, look, these are the leper’s instructions.

Adrian monk takes out a piece of paper from his pocket.

Monk: I promised him I would follow them to a “T”, we nodded on it.
Natalie: Well, I’m using the gate.
Monk: Okay, but don’t tell the Leper.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger enter through the door.

Monk: Leper was right. She never changed the locks.

Natalie Teeger goes over to the alarm console.

Monk: Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He said it’s kinda tricky. He says you have to slide it. Okay, here’s the code. Two, four, six, two.

Natalie Teeger punches 2462. The alarm beeps, and the display reads “DISABLE”.

Monk: The leper thought of everything.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger enter Derek Bronson’s home office. Natalie looks at the picture of the couple.

Natalie: They look so happy.
Monk: There it is. Top drawer.

Natalie Teeger opens the top drawer.

Natalie: In the back.

The lights turn on.

Woman: Freeze! Don’t move.

The woman points a gun at Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger.

Woman: I’m calling the police.

The woman picks up the phone.

Monk: You, you, you’re supposed to be at your mother’s.
Woman: My mother died five years ago.

The woman points at the papers Natalie Teeger is holding.

Woman: What are those? What are those? Throw them here, now. Now!

Natalie Teeger places the papers on the table.

Natalie: Mrs. Bronson, you don’t wanna read those.

Mrs. Bronson is in shock that she drops the phone.

Mrs. Bronson: Who sent you?
Monk: Here’s the thing…
Mrs. Bronson: I said, who sent you?
Natalie: Your husband.
Mrs. Bronson: Derek? He’s alive? Is he okay?
Monk: Well, “okay” is a funny word.
Mrs. Bronson: So you’ve seen him?
Monk: Most of him.
Mrs. Bronson: Where is he? Can you take me to him?
Natalie: Mrs. Bronson, you need to trust us. There are reasons why your husband cannot see you.
Mrs. Bronson: What? Because of these? These don’t mean a thing. I’ve known about this girl for years. Please, I have to see him.
Monk: That’s not a good idea.
Natalie: Yeah, no.
Monk: Trust us.
Mrs. Bronson: Or I can have you both arrested right now for breaking and entering.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger arrive at a parking garage. The headlights of the car are left turned on in high beam making it hard for Derek to see.

Derek: Over here. Mr. Monk? Miss Teeger? Did you get the letters?
Mrs. Bronson: Derek.
Derek: Mandy!
Mrs. Bronson: You’re alive. I knew it. I always knew it.

Mrs. Bronson walks closer to Derek.

Derek: You’re wrong, darling. I died seven years ago.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger watch from behind a wall.

Mrs. Bronson: Are you looking for these?
Derek: Oh, Mandy. She didn’t mean anything to me.
Mrs. Bronson: I know that, Derek.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger walk to a column near the Bronsons, and hide behind it.

Mrs. Bronson: I’ve known about this woman for years. I forgave you a long, long time ago.
Derek: Oh, please. Stay away.

Derek Bronson turns his face away from Mandy.

Mrs. Bronson: It’s okay. It’s okay. Let me see you.

Derek Bronson slowly turns his head. Mandy Bronson hugs her husband. Adrian Monk freaks out in silence.

Mrs. Bronson: I just want you to come home.
Derek: I can’t. Not like this. Go away. Forget about me.
Mrs. Bronson: Darling, there are doctors, treatments…there must be something they can do.
Derek: You don’t think I’ve tried? I’ve gone to every doctor in Europe.
Mrs. Bronson: No one would have to see you. You could stay inside. We could build you a room in the new house.
Derek: What new house? You’re moving?
Mrs. Bronson: I have to move. As of next week, you’re legally dead. Your sister’s kids will inherit everything.
Derek: I barely know them. Darling, that money is yours.
Mrs. Bronson: Unfortunately, your will says otherwise.
Derek: Tell them I’m not dead. I’ll write you a letter.
Mrs. Bronson: Sweetheart, they’re not going to believe me, or any letter. There’s a probate hearing next week. You could come. You could talk to them.
Derek: No, no, it’s out of the question. Not like this.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger pop their heads out the column then hides as soon as they see Derek spotting them.

Derek: Mr. Monk, is that you?

Mr. Monk speaks with a hoarse voice.

Monk: No.

Natalie Teeger slaps his arm.

Monk: Ow! Yeah. Yes. Yes.
Derek: I’m afraid I have one more favor to ask.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger are at the police station. Captain Leland Stottlemeyer reads the newspaper aloud.

Stottlemeyer: “Wife claims missing billionaire husband still alive. Probate hearing is set for tomorrow. Former homicide detective Adrian Monk is set to testify.” What the hell is Hansen’s Disease?
Monk: Leprosy. He’s a leper.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Randy: I thought they lived in colonies, you know, like in Ben Hur.
Stottlemeyer: And, uh, you met this guy face to face?
Natalie: Yep. He’s a client, and he called us. He needed our help. Mr. Monk put aside all his fear and prejudice, and offered to do what he could, and I am very, very proud of him.
Monk: I shook his hand. I can still feel it.
Natalie: He’s not at all contagious. We talked to a specialist. Randy, think you might know him. Dr. Polanski.
Randy: No.
Natalie: Aaron Polanski?
Randy: No, can’t say that I do.
Natalie: Really? Because we thought we saw your picture hanging up in his office.
Randy: Right. It was a case. I was undercover, posing as a kid, a teenager with bad acne. Captain, you remember that case?
Stottlemeyer: You’re on your own, Randy.
Monk: It’s still tingling.
Natalie: Well, I’ll tell him you said hi. We’re going out tomorrow night.

Mr. Bronson now without any blemishes on his face is at Mrs. Bronson’s house playing the piano. Mrs. Bronson walks towards him with a smile on her face listening to the music. She waits until he finishes playing then shoots him point blank.

Adrian Monk is at the probate hearing with Mrs. Bronson.

Judge: When this hearing was originally scheduled, the intention was to have Mr. Bronson officially declared deceased. But as you all know, some new information has surfaced, provided by his wife, Mrs. Bronson. We have her statement, plus a handwritten letter from Mr. Bronson…
Nephew #1: Which cannot be authenticated.
Mrs. Bronson: Of course, it’s not a perfect match. I told you, Derek is sick. He could hardly write his own name.
Nephew #1: That’s rather convenient, isn’t it?
Mrs. Bronson: It wasn’t just me. Mr. Monk saw him too.
Nephew #1: Your Honor, if I may?

He turns to the Judge for his approval. He shows Adrian Monk a picture of Mr. Bronson.

Nephew #1: Mr. Monk, is this the man you saw?

Adrian Monk looks at the picture.

Monk: I believe it is.
Nephew #1: According to your testimony, you only saw him in a dimly lit bar and a parking garage. Hardly ideal conditions.
Monk: It’s true.
Judge: Well, Mr. Bronson’s nephews have been waiting a long time for this estate to be probated. I am reluctant to make a decision based on one man’s testimony.
Lawyer: Your Honor, Adrian Monk is not just anyone. His memory and powers of observation are legendary.
Judge: Well, there’s a lot at stake here. You say he has a great memory. Mr. Monk? Would you mind standing up and turning around?

Adrian Monk does so.

Judge: Could you describe my shirt?
Monk: Which one?
Judge: “Which one?”
Monk: The shirt you’re wearing, or the shirt your stenographer is wearing? That’s your shirt too, isn’t it?
Judge: Uh.
Monk: You cut yourself shaving, and there’s a tiny drop of blood on her collar.
Judge: What are you implying?
Monk: You were having a sex affair with her on that couch. The cushions are backwards and one of her earrings fell off. So, it’s right here. Under here.

Adrian Monk retrieves the earring.

Monk: She must have torn her blouse, I can see it sticking out of her briefcase. Your honor.
Judge: I’m ready with my decision. I will accept Mr. Monk’s word that he met with Derek Bronson. Therefore, Mrs. Bronson will retain control of the entire estate.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lt. Disher visit an apartment.

Stottlemeyer: How long has Mr. Steiner been living here?
Landlady: Eleven years, and he never missed a canasta game in all that time until last night.
Stottlemeyer: When was the last time you saw him?
Landlady: Monday, I saw him leaving. And he didn’t have a gig. I could tell, because he didn’t take his sheet music.
Disher: He’s a musician.
Landlady: I know he’s a musician. He’s one of my oldest tenants. You don’t think I know he’s a musician?
Stottlemeyer: Mrs. Kennedy, relax. When you called the police, you asked for homicide. Now, I don’t see any evidence of a murder here.
Mrs. Kennedy: He’s dead. I know it. The canasta game. Plus, I found his cat starving this morning. How do you explain that?
Disher: Okay, uh, why don’t you wait downstairs, Mrs. Kennedy, and we’ll take a look around for you?
Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Mrs. Kennedy leaves the apartment, while Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher look around the apartment. Randy Disher plays something on the piano.

Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Disher: Background music.
Stottlemeyer: You know, they don’t keep playing the same thing over and over.
Disher: Sure they do.
Stottlemeyer: Hard to concentrate.
Disher: Isn’t it?

Captain Stottlemeyer pulls up a duffelbag from the floor.

Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. Look at this.
Disher: What do you got?

Captain Stottlemeyer puts it on the bed, and takes out its contents.

Stottlemeyer: Make-up kit. Bandages. “Skin Disease”. That’s interesting bedtime reading.

Lt. Disher takes out a notebook.

Disher: His appointment book. He kept pretty busy every weekend. Captain, look at this. Last New Year’s Eve he played a private party for Mandy Bronson.

Natalie Teeger and Dr. Polanski are at his car making out.

Dr. Polanski: This must be the best first date in the history of first dates.
Natalie: Maybe we should quit while we’re ahead.
Dr. Polanski: I’m so glad your boss needed my help.
Natalie: Me, too.
Dr. Polanski: Whatever happened with that case?
Natalie: Oh, it’s over. Bronson went back to his leper colony on Kimino Island. He says he loves it there.
Dr. Polanski: Really? Well, you know, I can believe it. I’ve seen some colonies in Africa, they’re like four-star hotels.
Natalie: You really are an expert.
Dr. Polanski: Well, I should be.
Natalie: Why is that?
Dr. Polanski: Well, remember I said I knew one person with leprosy?
Natalie: Mmm-hmm.
Dr. Polanski: It was me.
Natalie: What was you?
Dr. Polanski: I had it. As a kid. Leprosy. Hansen’s Disease.

Natalie Teeger stops kissing Dr. Polanski.

Dr. Polanski: Oh, don’t worry, I’m completely cured. Yeah, actually, it’s why I became a doctor.
Natalie: Oh.
Dr. Polanski: Yeah. It’s the best thing that ever happened to me.
Natalie: Really? Imagine that.

Natalie Teeger begins wiping her mouth.

Adrian Monk babysits Julie Teeger of is it the other way around? Julie gets the ketchup out of the fridge for the French fries she prepared.

Monk: Okay. What are you doing?
Julie: Making a snack.
Monk: Oh, no. No, no, no. I promised your mother, no junk food.
Julie: You promised?
Monk: I am the babysitter.

Adrian Monk takes out an apple from the fridge, and throws it at Julie.

Julie: Um, I don’t think so. My mom said I was babysitting you.
Monk: Okay.
Julie: Are you getting paid?
Monk: Yeah.
Julie: How much?
Monk: You know, that’s between your mother and me. Why, how much are you getting?
Julie: $8 an hour.
Monk: An hour? I guess you’re the sitter. Enjoy your fries.

Julie Teeger reads the label on the ketchup.

Julie: “Since 1840”. Who needed ketchup in 1840?

Adrian Monk is struck with an idea.

Monk: The security panel.
Julie: Pardon me?
Monk: The security panel in Bronson’s house! “Bendis Security, founded 2003”. The Leper said he hadn’t been home in seven years. How did he know about that alarm system? Julie, I was duped. It was all a con.
Julie: A leper-con.
Monk: What?
Julie: Was he magically delicious?

Natalie Teeger arrives home, and sounds to be in a hurry.

Natalie: Okay, thanks, I’ll talk to you later, bye!

Natalie Teeger runs to the kitchen.

Monk: Natalie! Natalie, listen.
Natalie: Oh, God!

Natalie Teeger runs to the sink, turns on the flexible faucet, and puts it in her mouth.

Natalie: Hotter! I need it hotter.
Julie: Mom, are you okay?
Natalie: I’m fine!

Natalie Teeger gargles.

Julie: How was your date?
Natalie: It was great. Sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart, I need you to do me something. I need you to go upstairs and fill the bathtub with Listerine. Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Monk: Natalie, listen to this.
Natalie: I’ve gotta tell you something.
Monk: We’ve been duped. Are you ready for this?
Natalie: I’ve been duped! Okay, you’re not gonna believe this.

Natalie begins scrubbing her arm. Natalie Teeger and Adrian Monk speak at the same time.

Monk: He’s not a leper.
Natalie: He’s a leper! Oh God.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger are back at the Bronson’s house. Natalie carries an aluminum ladder.

Monk: You have the camera? You better have the camera.
Natalie: Ugh, what are we looking for?
Monk: Evidence. Proof. Anything. Uh, how could I not have seen it? Derek Bronson is not a leper. Hey, watch it. Derek Bronson is dead.

Natalie Teeger sets the aluminum ladder against the wall.

Monk: His wife killed him seven years ago, and she’s been living off his money ever since.

Natalie Teeger gargles with mouthwash, and spits it on the lawn.

Monk: Watch the shoes! She knew that when he was declared dead, officially, the will would kick in.

Natalie Teeger gargles again.

Monk: The nephews would get everything, and the party would be over. So, she found someone who resembled Derek, and she either hired him or seduced him to suddenly reappear.

Natalie Teeger spits out the mouthwash, and takes another sip.

Monk: Will you please? And that’s why they chose me. Adrian Monk, the perfect patsy. They knew about my problems. They knew I’d never take a good look at the guy.

Natalie Teeger spits out the mouthwash.

Monk: So, there never really was a leper except for the guy you were making out with all night.

Natalie Teeger takes another gulp of the mouthwash.

Monk: Are you drinking that?
Natalie: Mmm-hmm.
Monk: Where’s the woman who’s been lecturing me all week about compassion and tolerance?
Natalie: Okay, you know what? It’s not funny. You didn’t have your tongue down his throat.
Monk: I shook hands with one. That’s bad enough.
Natalie: Your leper wasn’t even a real leper. My leper was the real deal.
Monk: I thought he was real. That’s what counts. You know the old saying, “There is no heart so black as the black, black heart of the Phony Leper”?
Natalie: No, I never heard that one.
Monk: Well, it’s a saying. Up you go.
Natalie: Up you go.
Monk: Up you…Up…go.
Natalie: Go.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger are inside the Bronson mansion.

Natalie: What if she’s home?
Monk: She’s not home. We’ve been calling the house all morning. You still have the key?
Natalie: Yeah.

Monk shushes.

Monk: What is that?

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger follow the sound.

Monk: Do you hear that?

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger find a hot air balloon being filled with hot air. Mrs. Bronson is inside the basket with the corpse of the Mr. Bronson look-a-like.

Randy Disher visits Dr. Polanski’s office. He walks over to the wall of photographs.

Receptionist: Can I help you?
Disher: Oh, no, I’m just browsing.
Receptionist: Browsing for what?
Disher: Oh, did I say “browsing”? Uh, no, I’m waiting. Just waiting for someone.

Randy Disher takes a seat, and browses a magazine. He looks at his photographs hanging on the wall. The receptionist leaves her post. Randy Disher casually pulls one of his framed photographs, but it wouldn’t budge. Randy Disher grunts as he tried to remove the frame. The other patient at the waiting room looks at him. He takes a pen to pry the frame loose. Randy Disher struggles to remove the frame, and drops the other frames that aren’t glued to the wall. Randy Disher finally manages to remove the frame, and the drywall it’s glued on to when Dr. Polanski arrives.

Dr. Polanski: Randall, what a nice surprise.

Dr. Polanski sees the hole on the wall, and Randy holding his photo.

Randy: Hey, Doc. This fell off the wall.

Randy Disher hands the doctor the frame.

Dr. Polanski: Right. Yeah. Not to worry. We’ll just toss it.
Disher: Thanks.
Dr. Polanski: That’s okay. Well, you’re looking good.
Disher: Thanks. Well, uh, I’ll see you around.
Dr. Polanski: Take care.
Disher: Oh, hey, I, uh, hear you’re dating a friend of mine, Natalie Teeger.
Dr. Polanski: Oh, yeah, she’s amazing, but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Well, she reacted pretty badly when I told her I used to have leprosy.

Lt. Disher removes the hand he put on Dr. Polanski’s shoulder.

Disher: Really. She couldn’t handle it, huh?

Lt. Disher starts to inconspicuously wipe his hand.

Disher: Some people.
Dr. Polanski: Actually, I’ve been trying to reach her, to give her a heads up.

Dr. Polanski walks closer to Randy Disher, and Randy steps back.

Dr. Polanski: I think Derek Bronson lied to her. I mean, he told her he’s been living on Kimino Island, but I checked this morning, and it turns out the leper colony there has been closed for two years.
Disher: Really?
Dr. Polanski: Mmm-hmm. I mean maybe that guy wasn’t really Bronson. I mean, all those bandages?
Disher: I don’t know, I mean, the wife met him. It’s funny, though, we…we’re working on another case as missing persons. We were gonna talk to Monk about it. We found a makeup kit and a book on skin diseases. I think I’m gonna stop by, and have a chat with the wife. Thanks, Doc.
Dr. Polanski: Can I come with you? If Natalie is in trouble, I’d just like to be there.
Disher: Yeah, sure.
Dr. Polanski: Oh, that’s great. Thank you.

Dr. Polanski pats Randy Disher’s back. Disher is appalled.

Disher: Why don’t we take separate cars?
Dr. Polanski: Randy, I’m not contagious.
Disher: No, no, no. That’s not what I meant. Is that what you thought I meant? I mean, is hat what you…hell, no.
Dr. Polanski: Come on.

Mandy Bronson is almost done with the hot air balloon when her cell phone rings.

Mrs. Bronson: Hello. Can it wait? All right, hold on.

Mandy Bronson gets out of the hot air balloon. She walks back to the house. Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger rush toward the hot air balloon as soon as she’s out of sight.

Natalie: Oh my God.

Natalie Teeger and Adrian Monk find the corpse of the Mr. Bronson look-alike in the hot air balloon.

Natalie: Why all the barbells?
Monk: Weight. She’s gonna dump him in the ocean. Probably did the same thing seven years ago to her husband. I know this guy, he’s the leper.
Natalie: He’s not my leper.
Monk: No, he’s my leper.
Natalie: Well, we better call it in, give me the phone.
Monk: No, no, no, there’s no time. Here she comes. Come on, that way.

Monk points to his left.

Natalie: No, no, no, we’ll never make it.
Monk: That way!

Monk points to his right.

Natalie: That way!

Natalie points up.

Monk: I don’t think so.
Natalie: No, come on, get in.

Natalie Teeger pushes Adrian Monk inside the basket, and hops in herself.

Natalie: All right. Mr. Monk, get up.

Mandy Bronson with a gun in her hand walks towards them.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, help me unhook them. Throw the ropes. Throw the ropes.
Monk: Hurry! Do something.
Natalie: Hurry. Mr. Monk…
Monk: Move it! Hurry!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, take the rope down.
Monk: Faster! Faster!
Natalie: I’m trying!
Monk: Now is good! Now is good!

The hot air balloon rises a few feet up the ground.

Natalie: Okay, okay.
Monk: Here we go! Do something!
Natalie: I’m trying!
Monk: Natalie, we’re too high!

Mandy Bronson aims her gun at them.

Monk: Stay down!

Mandy Bronson fires, and hits the basket.

Monk: We’re too high.

Mandy Bronson continues to fire, and hits the balloon.

Monk: Stay down, I said.

Mandy continues firing when Lt. Disher and Dr. Polanski arrive.

Disher: Police officers! Put your gun down.
Natalie: Wait, it’s Randy. He’s with somebody.
Disher: Drop the gun!
Natalie: It’s my leper!
Monk: Too low. We’re too low! We’re too low! We’re too low!
Natalie: It’s okay.
Disher: Put your gun down, now! Now! Get down on your knees, and put your hands in front of you. Get down on your knees, and put your hands in front of you now!

Mandy Bronson complies. Dr. Polanski gets back inside the police car as Lt. Disher accosts Mandy Bronson.

Disher: Give me your hands.

Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger are still on the hot air balloon.

Monk: We’re too low! We’re too low! We’re too low!
Natalie: It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.
Monk: We’re too low! We’re too low! We’re gonna crash! We crashed!

The corpse of the Mr. Bronson look-a-like is flung out of the basket. Adian Monk and Natalie Teeger exclaim as the hot air balloon crashes on the ground.

Natalie: Hold on! Oh, God!

Natalie Teeger is flung out of the basket.

Monk: Natalie! Natalie!

The hot air balloon reaches a ravine. Natalie Teeger wakes up from unconsciousness.

Natalie: Uh, God. Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk where are you?

Adrian Monk is hanging on a root on the side of the cliff.

Monk: I’m down here. Down here!
Dr. Polanski: Take my hand.

Adrian Monk reaches for the hand then sees that it belong to Dr. Polanski.

Dr. Polanski: You can do it.
Monk: Is there anybody else up there? Could you look around?
Dr. Polanski: Take my hand or you’ll die!

Adrian Monk takes a peek at the bottom.

Dr. Polanski: Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk!
Monk: I’m thinking.
Dr. Polanski: Please. Please. Take my hand.

Adrian Monk tries to climb further up.

Dr. Polanski: Come on, that’s it.

Adrian Monk grunts, and takes Dr. Polanski’s hand.

Dr. Polanski: Come on. Come on. Take my other hand. I’ve got you.

Dr. Polanski successfully pulls up Adrian Monk.

Dr. Polanski: Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Well.

Adrian Monk looks at his hand.

Dr. Polanski: What’s the matter?

Natalie Teeger is at her house getting ready for a date.

Natalie: Hey, is the necklace too much?
Julie: Mom, you look hot. You must really like this guy. You’re not scared?
Natalie: No, why would I be scared?
Julie: Well, um, Mr. Monk said…
Natalie: Well, we can’t all live by Mr. Monk’s rules. What kind of world would this be?

There’s a knock on the door. Adrian Monk peeps out the wall he has been hiding. Natalie Teeger opens the door. Adrian Monk rushes to the kitchen, and puts mittens on.

Dr. Polanski: Am I late?
Natalie: No, you’re right on time. You’re perfect.
Dr. Polanski: Well, these are for you.

Dr. Polanski hands Natalie Teeger flowers.

Natalie: Oh, thank you.
Dr. Polanski: And, uh…

Dr. Polanski gives Natalie Teeger a kiss as she hesitates a bit.

Natalie: Oh, uh, sorry. Give me a little time. I’m a work on progress.
Dr. Polanski: Yeah. Well, you take all the time you want.
Natalie: Come on in.
Dr. Polanski: Okay. Thank you.

Adrian Monk goes back to hiding.

Dr. Polanski: Is that Monk? Adrian, did you get my message?
Monk: Hey, Doc, I meant to call you. I’m not much of a golfer, but thanks for the invite.
Dr. Polanski: Oh…pfft. Hey, what are you cooking? Maybe we should stay in tonight? Should we?
Monk: No, no, no, no. You go have fun. You go out. Go, go, go, go.
Dr. Polanski: Well…

Dr. Polanski walks towards Adrian Monk.

Monk: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I’ve got a little bit of a cold. I’d hate for you to catch it, and I just mopped the floor, and I got a little bit of a cold.
Dr. Polanski: Cold?
Monk: And I just mopped the floor.
Dr. Polanski: Yeah, okay, I’ll, uh, catch you next time.
Monk: Catch you next time.
Natalie: Sorry. Oh, Aaron, I want you to meet somebody. This is Julie.
Dr. Polanski: Oh, it’s a pleasure to meet you.

Dr. Polanski stays as far away from Julie.

Julie: It’s nice to meet you too. I’ve heard a lot about you.

Julie walks over to Dr. Polanski, and shakes his hand.

Dr. Polanski: Uh, yeah. Thank you.
Natalie: Well, uh, shall we get going?
Dr. Polanski: Yeah. Take care. Mr. Monk.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Leper” episode was written by Charles Evered. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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2 Pennies for your thoughts:

Anonymous said...

This was one of the funniest I've seen. Loved it. The other one that made me laugh was the one where he and Sharona pretended to be married. All of the scenes of them together there with the counselor made me laugh so hard I hurt.

Comprehensive Episode Guides said...

Thank you for your comment. This was funny indeed. I remember the scene when Mr. Monk is at the edge of the cliff, and he'd rather die than take the hand of Dr. Polanski knowing that he used to be a leper.

The funniest episode for me, however, is Mr. Monk on Wheels.

Gosh, I haven't watched the episode when Mr. Monk and Sharona pretended to be a married couple in a very long time. Thanks for reminding me about that.

Happy reading!