Frasier arrives at the racquet club.
Frasier: Niles, sorry I’m late. Did you sign us up?
Niles: Um, Frasier, I’ve been thinking. How many years have we teamed up for the squash tournament only to be eliminated in the second round?
Niles: Exactly. Don’t you think it’s time we came up with a new strategy?
Frasier: Niles, if you’re talking about taking that powder that’s made from sheep’s glands, the answer is never again.
Niles: Well, actually, I was thinking of something more fundamental. It occurs tome that after nine years…
Frasier: Shh-shh, Niles, here comes that two-faced braggart, Jim Blake.
Jim Blake approaches Frasier.
Frasier: Jim, looking good.
Jim: Thanks, Frasier, thanks.
Frasier: So, you signed up for the tournament?
Jim: Uh, I don’t know.
Jim looks at Niles who is trying to look away.
Jim: Have we, partner?
Frasier is in shock. Niles gives out an awkward smile.
Jim: Awesome, let’s do it. I’ll see you on the court, bro.
Jim extends his hand in a fist waiting for a fist bump. Niles slaps his fist.
Niles: It’s not what it looks like.
Frasier: It’s exactly what it looks like. You’ve teamed up with someone younger, and in better shape.
Niles: No, Frasier. You know I don’t care about such superficial things.
Frasier: You know, that Jim is bad news. He struts around here in those ridiculous looking Swedish goggles that everybody thinks are so cool.
Frasier: You know, I just with you’d told me sooner instead of waiting until the last minute. Does Jim know you’re passive-aggressive?
Niles: Believe me, neither Jim nor I expected this to happen. Our games just meshed. We would’ve teamed up soon, but the timing was never right. Either Jim was with a squash partner or I was playing with you.
Frasier: Fine. Go. Just go, go, go to your new partner. I don’t care who needs you?
Niles walks away.
Frasier: Niles, don’t forget to wear your wrist brace. You know how easily you sprain.
Frasier is left alone in the lobby when a woman arrives.
Woman: Hi…Frasier. Chelsea Gray.
The woman shakes hands with Frasier.
Chelsea: We met a few months a go.
Chelsea: You were kicking the Gatorade machine.
Frasier: Of course, I remember. I had inserted my dollar bill with Washington’s face up, as per the diagram, and was vended nothing.
Chelsea: Did you ever write that letter?
Frasier: Indeed, I did. The matter still pends.
Chelsea: Ah. So did you sign up for the tournament?
Frasier: Uh, well, I was going to, but, uh…I just found out my customary partner has made other plans this year.
Chelsea: Well, would you be interested in playing mixed doubles? I’m a girls’ PE teacher so it’d be nice to play with a guy for a change.
Frasier: Thanks for the offer, but after what I’ve just been through, I’m not sure I’m ready to partner up again.
Chelsea: Well, that’s too bad. I’ve seen you play. We’d make a good team.
Jim returns to the lobby.
Jim: You already resorting to playing with the girls, Frasier?
Jim: No offense, sweetie.
Jim clicks his tongue, and walks away.
Chelsea: Excuse me.
Chelsea hits the ball with her racquet. Jim screams like a girl.
Frasier: Nice shot, partner.
Frasier brings home Chelsea Gray carrying their trophies.
Frasier: Here we are. Hello all! You’ll never guess who just won their squash tournament.
Daphne: If only we had a big, shiny clue.
Marty: Oh, hey, that’s great news. Congratulations.
Chelsea: Well, I owe it all to my partner.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, partner. But I think it’s really due to our partnership.
Chelsea: Aha well, now you know what they say, there’s no “I” in “team”.
Frasier: Like there is in “Niles”. So here, Dad…check it out.
Marty: Wow, would you look at that. I didn’t think I’d ever see the day one of my boys would win a trophy that didn’t have a book on it. Now all that’s left on my list is shake hands with Hank Aaron, kiss Sally Field on the mouth, and then I can go on and be with your mother.
Niles: You know, Jim and I may have our own trophy soon. We’re still alive in the men’s doubles bracket.
Frasier: Oh, please, Niles, your partner couldn’t be carrying you any more if he put you in a Snugli, and strapped you to his stomach.
Marty: Well, I’m proud of both of you, and squash might not be the toughest of sports, but it’s still technically a sport.
Chelsea: What? Squash can be pretty tough.
Chelsea: Oh, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.
Marty: That’s the game you guys play?
Niles: Hell, yeah.
Chelsea: Frasier, do you mind if I use your phone?
Frasier: No, of course not. I tell you what, come use the one in the other room. That’ll give you some privacy. After you, my lady.
Frasier shows Chelsea to the other room.
Niles: You know, Dad, when Jim and I win our trophies, I think I’m going to give mine to you.
Marty: Thank you, Son. But I don’t want you moping around here if your brother wins one and you don’t.
Niles: Oh, please, Dad, I’m a little more mature than that.
Marty: No, you’re not. It still bugs you that his name comes first alphabetically.
Niles: But that was your fault.
Frasier returns to the living room.
Daphne: Your girlfriend seems nice.
Frasier: She is nice, but she’s certainly not my girlfriend. I do find her attractive, but…I’m not sure I’m anything more than a teammate to her.
Daphne: Well, from what I’ve seen, I’d say she likes you a lot.
Frasier: Really? She did kiss me once. But I think that was just an overflow of emotion after one of our victories. You know, I suppose that happens all the time on sports teams.
Marty: It doesn’t. Of course, I can’t speak for the Canadian leagues.
Frasier: Well, truth be told, now that there’s not the excitement of the tournament to fuel the fires…I don’t think we really have much in common in the real world.
Niles: You have your ostentatious trophies.
Chelsea: Well, it was good seeing you all, but I have to get going.
Daphne: Oh, so soon?
Marty: You just got here.
Chelsea: I have an early faculty meeting.
Frasier: I’ll walk you out.
Martin: Come back.
Frasier shows Chelsea to the elevator.
Frasier: Well, I, uh…I certainly had a great time the last few weeks.
Chelsea: Yeah, me too. Call me again, if you want to play sometime. I don’ suppose you’d want to take this to the next level?
Frasier: Oh, I gave up my dream of professional squash years ago.
Chelsea: That’s not what I meant. Um…maybe I could think of another way to put it.
Chelsea kisses Frasier on the mouth.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Daph. Hey, I didn’t expect to see you here.
Daphne: Niles said you were going out with Chelsea.
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes—I just thought I’d stop by for a quick pick-me-up before I pick her up.
Daphne: Does she laugh at that kind of stuff?
Frasier: You know she does.
Daphne: Hold on to this one.
Frasier: I intend to. Uh, espresso, please. You know, everyday I learn something new about her. She enjoys reading poetry in the bath. She’s an excellent cook. It’s like she’s the perfect girl for me.
Daphne: Well, I think you make a lovely couple. Even though Niles can’t believe you’re dating a gym teacher. He says it’s a betrayal of your younger selves.
Frasier: It’s perfectly understandable. We didn’t have much luck with gym teachers when we were kids. They were always so derisive and ego-crippling. There was this one in particular, Coach Fuller he was the worst. The kind of man that would make the whole class wait while you did your push-up. It was just so traumatizing, I would actually lose my lunch before gym period. Except on those days when my lunch money was stolen then I’d just dry heave.
Daphne: Niles has tons of stories like that.
Frasier: You know perhaps getting to know Chelsea will help Niles to exorcise his demons and put them behind him.
Daphne: He’s running out of room back there.
Daphne: Hey, Roz.
Roz: Daphne. Hey, Frasier.
Frasier: Hi, Roz. You all right?
Roz: I was fine until I saw Julia in the parking lot. Why does she have to come here?
Frasier: For God’s sakes, Roz. I’m a little tired of hearing you complain about Julia all the time. Why don’t you just give her a chance?
Roz: How about her? I have been working with her for over a month, and she shows me no respect. She’s mean and arrogant, but not in a funny way, like you. Could I have a latte, please?
Frasier: Listen. The woman took a portion of my show to do her financial dribble. You don’t hear me complaining all the time. Now, enough is enough. Julia…why don’t you come and join us?
Julia: Oh, all right. Thank you. Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Well, isn’t this nice? All right, it’s come to my attention that there is some tension between the two of you. Now, as it is entirely possible that we will be spending a great deal of time together, I think it’s important that we establish an environment of mutual respect. To that end, as it is impossible for the two of you to communicate at all, it’s time for me to roll up my sleeves and facilitate. Finding some common ground would be the first step. Perhaps a love of plants, the seed.
Julia: You sure love to hear yourself talk.
Roz: And it’s impossible to tune him out.
Julia: How can you stand it?
Roz: The key is to know when to say “uh-huh”.
Frasier: Fine, fine, all right. If I am your common ground, so be it. Please feel free to tread upon me.
Frasier: The important thing is that you’re talking. Communication…
Julia: Just go.
Julia: Okay, he’s gone.
Roz and Julia go on separate tables. Frasier visits Chelsea at her gym class.
Chelsea sees Frasier, and waves at him.
Chelsea: Oh, be with you in a minute. You can wait in my office.
Frasier goes inside Chelsea’s office.
Chelsea: Very nice. Nice. All right, concentrate. There we go! Good!
Frasier reads one of the letters on Chelsea’s desk.
Frasier: “Please excuse my daughter Ruby from PE.”
Frasier: “She has a ‘delibitating’ disease”. Nice try, Ruby.
Chelsea blows her whistle.
Chelsea: Okay, who didn’t climb rope yet? Campbell, you’re up!
Campbell, the young, chubby girl fearfully walks to the rope. Chelsea goes to her office, and gives Frasier a kiss.
Chelsea: Oh, I’ve forgotten to sneak a kiss in school. Cool!
Frasier: It always looked like fun.
Chelsea: Aaah! So I’ll be finished here in a second, and then we can go.
Frasier: Great, great. I thought we’d try this new place I just…
Chelsea angrily blows her whistle.
Chelsea: Campbell, you’re not even trying!
Chelsea: Sorry. You were saying?
Frasier: Yeah, I read a great review of this new restaurant. Apparently, the chef is from…
The bell rings, whistle blows.
Chelsea: No one is leaving until Campbell climbs the rope! Excuse me for a moment. Come on! You can sleep through English. Toughen up, you can do it!
Campbell struggles to climb the rope.
Chelsea: Let’s go, Campbell! Everybody’s waiting.
Frasier remembers his old gym coach.
Coach Fuller: Come on, Crane! Nobody is going home until you haul that fat bucket of lard to the top.
Frasier: I can’t! I can’t!
Chelsea: Just give me a few minutes, and I’ll be ready to go. Oh, I just need you to do one thing.
Frasier hallucinates, and sees Coach Fuller instead of Chelsea.
Coach Fuller: Drop and give me twenty, Crane.
Frasier: I beg your pardon.
Chelsea: Could you just round up the basketballs, and put them in the rack over there? Thanks.
Chelsea gives Frasier a kiss on the cheek. She turns to the girls, and angrily blows her whistle.
Frasier is at Café Nervosa when Daphne pulls Niles to his table.
Daphne: Frasier, Niles has something he needs to tell you. Go on, tell him! I’m sick of hearing you complain.
Niles: I made a mistake partnering with Jim. Our styles never really meshed, which wasn’t my fault, but that didn’t stop him from losing his temper during a match, and he yelled at me. With you, it was different. You brought honor to the game. Rejoin me, Frasier, and together we can rekindle the magic.
Daphne: Please take him back. I cannot listen to another draft of this speech. I’ll see you at home, sweetie.
Niles: Thanks, Hon.
Frasier: Niles, I’ll gladly re-team with you.
Niles: Just like that? I expected you to gloat and rub it in, make me suffer. Don’t you care?
Frasier: Oh, my apologies, Niles. Uh, it’s just that I’m a little distracted about something that happened yesterday at Chelsea’s school.
Niles: I’m sorry, but that reminds me…Chelsea sent me the sweetest gift after Jim and I were eliminated from the tournament. It’s an actual squash with a smiley face drawn on it.
Frasier: That’s cute.
Niles: You know, when you first started dating her, I couldn’t get past the fact that she was a gym teacher, but she’s proven to be nothing like I expected. Kudos to you.
Frasier: Well, not sure I deserve such praise.
Niles: No, no, don’t be so modest, Frasier. You truly have a gift for seeing the inner beauty in a person.
Frasier: I do try.
Niles: Speak of the devil. Here’s Dad and Chelsea now.
Marty: Hey, guys.
In Frasier’s eyes, Chelsea is still Coach Fuller, an old man in gym sweats, a baseball cap with a tobacco in his mouth.
Marty: Look who I ran into.
Niles: Hello, Dad. Hi, Chelsea.
Chelsea: Niles. Hello, sweetie.
Chelsea (Coach Fuller) gives Frasier a kiss on the cheek.
Niles: That’s a lovely outfit.
Chelsea: Really? You think so, huh?
Chelsea (Coach Fuller) twirls.
Chelsea: I thought it might be little racy, but then I thought what the hell. What do you think, Frasier?
Frasier: Oh, it’s very…very becoming.
Chelsea: Thank you. Just let me grab a drink, and we’ll be ready to go.
Marty: I usually stay out of your love affairs, Son, but you’ve got a good one here. Definitely a keeper.
Niles: Yes, and might I add, and excuse my gutter speak—hubba, hubba.
Marty: Back to our best behavior. There’s a lady present.
Chelsea: I’m ready, Sweetie.
Chelsea (Coach Fuller) gives Frasier a kiss on the back of his head, and hugs him.
Later, Frasier is in a bubble bath, and Chelsea (Coach Fuller) scrubs his back.
Chelsea: “Love is a smoke raised from the fume of sighs, being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers’ eyes…” You all right?
Frasier: What? I’m fine.
Chelsea: All right, good. “I am a vessel, come tenderly and fill me…
Chelsea (Coach Fuller) scrubs Frasier’s torso.
Chelsea: “With the nectar of your love.”
Julia is at Café Nervosa with Kenny.
Kenny: So I figure since you’re the financial guru, you could help me out. Now obviously, I don’t want to get involved in some get-rich-quick scheme, but I do need to make a lot of money really fast. So what you got?
Julia: I don’t like to talk about work when I’m outside the office.
Julia: Thank you.
Kenny: Right. Me neither. Hey, there’s Roz! Hey, Roz, come join us.
Roz: I don’t think so.
Kenny: No, no, no, I won’t take no for an answer. Now, you sit down.
Roz: Hi Julia.
Kenny: Well, I know girl talk when I hear it. Bye!
Roz: I’ll go this time.
Roz: You know, maybe Frasier was right. Would it kill us to make some effort to be civil?
Julia: I guess not.
The waitress brings over Roz’ coffee.
Roz: Thanks. So…your show was good today.
Julia: Yes, it was, and your producing was top-notch.
Roz: Thanks. Sugar?
Roz: Well, this isn’t so bad.
Julia: No, it’s not. Maybe we jut got off on the wrong foot.
Roz: Well, when you first started, I just thought you were kind of a bitch for ordering everyone around.
Julia: That’s totally my fault. I have a tendency to be patronizing to entry-level employees.
Roz: Well, you know, I was going to say something earlier, but when I heard your first show, I figured you wouldn’t be here long.
Julia: Well, you certainly made an impression on me. I remember, I kept thinking, “Who did she sleep with to get this job?” And then I found out. Everybody.
Roz: That’s a good one. You know, there’s a plunger in the bathroom. What do you say we go look for your career?
Julia: Great, while we’re in there, I can get your phone number.
Roz: Don’t bother. It’s 1-800-BITE ME.
Julia: Bite me? That’s the best that you’ve got?
Roz: Oh, I could spend half an hour on your hair.
Julia: Well, you should have spent a half an hour on your hair.
Roz: Oh, really?
Waitress: It’s closing time, ladies. I’m afraid you’ll have to leave.
Julia: But we’re just warming up. You know, there’s a place down the street that is open all night.
Roz: Just like your mouth?
Julia: Just like your legs.
Julia makes her way to the door.
Roz: Hey, wait up!
Frasier is in bed with Chelsea (Coach Fuller) with his face away from her.
Chelsea: So, we’re just going to go to sleep, huh?
Frasier: I’m really tired.
Chelsea: You sure you don’t want to watch TV or get something to eat?
Chelsea: I know someone who’s ticklish.
Chelsea (Coach Fuller) tickles Frasier.
Frasier: No, stop, stop, stop!
Chelsea: Okay, Frasier, you’ve been acting weird all day. What’s going on?
Frasier: Well, it’s a little complicated.
Chelsea: What is? Is there a problem?
Frasier: Yes, Chelsea, there is. It disturbed me yesterday when I saw you yelling at that little girl on the rope. I couldn’t believe how harsh you were, and you may not realize it, but that can have a crippling effect on a child.
Chelsea: What?! I didn’t think I was being excessively harsh. I was just trying to motivate her.
Frasier: Yes, well, the way you were shouting, it was hard to tell, and when you’re a child, all you know is you’re being singled out. I have no right to tell you how to do your job. It’s, uh…it’s my problem, not yours.
Chelsea: No, no. You may have a point. Maybe…I do push too hard. Sometimes I forget just how fragile kids can be.
Frasier: Really? You agree with me.
Chelsea: Yes, I do. Thank you, Frasier.
Chelsea (Coach Fuller) gives Frasier a hug. Frasier now sees Chelsea as Chelsea.
Chelsea: It’s sweet of you to care so much.
Frasier: Well, you’re worth caring about.
Chelsea: Now, come on. Let’s go have a nice, romantic dinner.
Frasier: Okay, all right. Let me just go get ready. You know when I heard you shouting at that little girl today, I swear, it just brought back a flood of memories from my own childhood.
Frasier goes to the bathroom.
Frasier: Oh, yeah. You know my gym teacher was constantly yelling at me, because I couldn’t do a single pull-up or a lap around the track.
Chelsea is in disbelief.
Chelsea: Not even one?
Frasier: Oh, please. I was a very late bloomer. I could barely do a jumping jack without getting a nosebleed, and let’s not begin to talk about the climbing rope. There we go, all done.
Frasier comes out of the bathroom.
Chelsea sees him as the young girl, Campbell.
Frasier: What do you say I get us a table at Petite Auberge? They do an excellent veal chop.
Chelsea: Okay. After you, milady.
Marty Crane proudly puts Frasier’s squash trophy on top the TV set. He changes his mind, and puts it somewhere else, and still isn’t satisfied. He moves it over to the dining table, and is in shock when Frasier uses it as a vase.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Trophy Girlfriend” episode was written by Saladin K. Patterson. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Previous Frasier Transcript: Daphne Does Dinner
Next Frasier Transcript: Fraternal Schwinns
More Frasier Transcripts
- Downton Abbey
- House of Cards
- Mad Men
- McLeod's Daughters
- Mr. Selfridge
- Orphan Black
- Pushing Daisies
- Remington Steele
- The Tudors
- Three's Company
- White Collar
- Wild Card
- Canceled TV Show
- TV Show Trivia
- TV Show News
- TV Quotes
- Watch Full Episodes