Sunday, June 26, 2011

Mr. Monk Is At Your Service – Monk Transcript 5.12

Mr Monk Is At Your ServicePaul is on the phone when the butler brings him his drink

Paul: Yeah, well I’m looking at the design right here. You said it would sleep six. A bunk bend? Are you mental? I’m not gonna sleep on a bunkbend! What is this? A luxury yacht or a summer camp?
Butler: It’s 4 o’clock, Sir. I have your Manhattan.

Paul takes the drink, and sets it aside.

Paul: Formica?! I want mahogany. From the stern to…to the other end. Well, I hope so. Because I swear to God, if you don’t, I will cancel this contract.  Continue reading...

Paul hangs up the phone.

Paul: He thinks I’m bluffing. Do you think I’m bluffing?
Butler: I wouldn’t know, Sir.

The butler looks at the portrait of the young man’s parents.

Paul: You miss then, don’t you?
Butler: It was the worst day of my life, Sir. I’m sure you feel the same way. Will that be all, Sir?
Paul: As a matter of fact, there’s something I want to talk to you about.

Paul closes the door.

Paul: I received another one of your letters.

Paul shows the butler a piece of paper with pasted letters from magazine cutouts.

Paul: Don’t try to deny that it wasn’t you. Before I made the last drop, I marked the bills. Then I found them in your room. Since when is blackmail on your list of duties?
Butler: Master Paul, I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t thinking straight.
Paul: You weren’t thinking straight?
Butler: No, Sir. The grief. Your father’s death, and your stepmother…It won’t happen again.
Paul: Well, you got that right.

Paul shoots the butler.

Paul: Thank you, Stilson. That will be all.

Adrian Monk is at Dr. Kroger’s office.

Dr. Kroger: All right, what’s this all about, Adrian? Come on. Let’s have it.

Adrian Monk takes out a newspaper cutout stored in a Ziploc bag from his pocket, and hands it to Dr. Kroger. The doctor reads it.

Dr. Kroger: Ha! “Police Announce Hiring Freeze”
Monk: A hiring freeze for the next four years. By then, I’ll be too old to be reinstated. So, that’s it. I’ll never be a cop again.
Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian. I am truly sorry. I know how much reinstatement means to you.
Monk: Only everything. It was my reason for living. That’s all. What do I do now?
Dr. Kroger: I think you go back to what you’ve been doing. Consulting.
Monk: For how long? I haven’t had a new client in weeks. The department hasn’t renewed my contract.
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, I think this is an opportunity for you to make a decision. A very important decision. Now, you can let this news completely depress you.
Monk: Okay. Thank you.
Dr. Kroger: Or you can look at this like an opportunity. A chance for you to reassess your life. Start over. Do something completely different.
Monk: Different.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah. Different can be good.
Monk: Different. Good? Different. Good.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, it’s not too late. You now, Winston Churchill did not become prime minister until he was sixty.
Monk: What are you talking about? I’ll never become prime minister.
Dr. Kroger: No, no, no. I’m not saying…
Monk: I don’t even live in England. Even if I did, I’d be such a long shot.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, it’s just an example.
Monk: What do I do now?

Natalie brings Adrian Monk to lunch at her parent’s mansion.

Peggy: And right then I promised myself I would never fly commercial again.

The maid delivers Natalie’s mother’s drink.

Peggy: Thank you.
Natalie: Mom, it’s not even twelve o’clock.
Peggy: Ugh.

Peggy looks at her watch.

Peggy: It’s 12:05.
Monk: Bobby, can I ask you something? Do you love your job?
Bobby: Yes, I do.
Monk: What do you do exactly?
Peggy: He inherits money.
Monk: I could do that. I bet I’d be good at that.
Natalie: There’s a hiring freeze at the department, but we’re working through it. Right? We’ll figure something out. There’s always hope.
Monk: There’s never hope.
Natalie: Sure there is.
Monk: There’s never hope. I wish I drank. Is it wonderful?
Peggy: Yeah, it’s pretty great. Oh! You know who asked about you? Paul Buchanan.
Natalie: No, thank you.
Peggy: Sweetheart, I really don’t think you can be so picky. You’re not getting any younger, you know.
Monk: Who’s Paul Buchanan?
Peggy: He lives in the big house up the road.
Monk: The big house? This isn’t the big house?
Peggy: He’s always had a thing for Natalie. He’s proposed to her twice.
Natalie: He’s a creep. He’s a spoiled, arrogant, creepy creep. And he’s just…he’s very creepy.
Bobby: Now, now. He’s a good man.
Peggy: You know, that poor boy. He’s been through so much. You heard what happened with his parents. It’s the most incredible story. They died within ten minutes of each other.
Monk: Within ten minutes?
Peggy: Yeah, it was about a year ago. Ralph and Camilla, that’s Paul’s stepmother, were driving home, and they were in his little sports car that one he brought over from England.
Bobby: It was a Morgan. A beautiful machine.
Peggy: Yep.
Bobby: Ralph collected antique cars.
Peggy: Yep. Yeah, well, anyway, they never made it home. It was about 8:30 at night. And they were coming around that dangerous curve at the end of Sweeney Road. The one with the big rock?
Monk: I…I think we passed it when we were coming up. Isn’t there a sign that says, “Slow Down”?
Peggy: Obviously Ralph ignored that, because the police said he had to be doing at least eighty.
Bobby: Let’s say, let’s say that this is the car, all right?

Bobby stands up and takes the tray of butter.

Bobby: Now, this is Ralph, and this is Camilla.

Bobby uses the salt and peppershaker as a token to indicate Ralph and Camilla.

Bobby: Now, they come speeding around that curve. They hit the guardrail, and Camilla, who wasn’t wearing a seatbelt, goes flying and…

Bobby takes the peppershaker, and dumps it into the pate representing the big rock.

Bobby: Hits her head on the big rock.
Peggy: Honey, don’t use the pate.
Bobby: That is not pate, darling, that is the big rock. And then Ralph calls 911 on his cell.
Peggy: Oh, it gets worse. He had a heart attack! Right there on the phone!
Bobby: While he’s calling for help.

Adrian Monk stands up to inspect the model of the crime scene.

Monk: So, the road curves to the right, and she was thrown from the car?
Bobby: Yeah, like this.

Bobby repeats dumping the peppershaker into the pate.

Monk: But if this was Morgan, a British car, then…

Adrian Monk takes the peppershaker…

Monk: then she would’ve been sitting on the left.

Arian Monk switches the peppershaker with the salt.

Monk: So how did she hit the rock?
Natalie: You know what else? I remember driving with Mr. Buchanan. He was the pokiest driver in the world. We used to tease him about it. He would not start the car unless you fastened your seat belt. You want to check it out?
Monk: It’s probably nothing.
Natalie: Well, let’s check it out.
Monk: Natalie, it doesn’t matter. I’m not a detective anymore.
Natalie: Daddy, give me your wallet.
Bobby: Uh-oh.

Bobby hands Natalie his wallet.

Natalie: Brings back memories doesn’t it?
Bobby: Yes.

Natalie takes out cash from her father’s wallet.

Natalie: Okay, here your go. I’m hiring you. We are checking it out.

Adrian Monk and Natalie drive to the big rock.

Morgan: Well, this section of the guardrail is new.
Monk: It must have happened right here. The car was heading west, went off the road here.
Natalie: So you were right. She couldn’t have hit that rock.
Monk: It’s hard to tell without seeing the police report. Maybe…maybe the car flipped over. Maybe it spun around.
Natalie: No, I think he did it. I think he killed his parents.
Monk: You really don’t like this guy, do you? What did he ever do to you?
Natalie: You really want to kno?
Monk: No. What is that noise?
Natalie: Oh, frogs. They live in that pond over there. It’s mating season. They go crazy every year.
Monk: Frog.

Adrian Monk points at the frog on the road.

Monk: Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog. Frog.
Natalie: Are you afraid of frogs?
Monk: I don’t know. I’ve never been this close to one.

The frog jumps on Adrian’ Monk’s foot.

Monk: Yes, the answer is yes. Put frogs on the list. Where’s the list?
Natalie: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I got it. I got it. I got it. Where does it go?
Monk: Put them between possums and, uh, soccer riots. No, no, no, no, after soccer riots, and before, uh, hail stones. Yeah, So it goes…
Natalie: I got it. I got it. Soccer riots, frogs, hailstones.
Monk: At least now we know. Information really is power.
Natalie: I’m gonna call my parents, and tell them we’re gonna be late. Wait, there’s no signal. There’s no service at all.
Monk: Are you sure?
Natalie: How could Ralph Buchanan have called for help?
Monk: He couldn’t. He didn’t.

Natalie and Adrian Monk drive to the Buchanan mansion.

Monk: Wow.
Natalie: I know. I know. Wow. Fourteen bedrooms.
Monk: And he wanted to marry you?
Natalie: Hey, let me just tell you about Paul Buchanan. He basically stalked me for three years. All during high school, he just kept on asking me out. He wouldn’t take, “Drop dead” for an answer. The week before my senior prom, somebody mugged my boyfriend. They broke his jaw and both his legs.
Monk: Fourteen bedrooms.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he beat up my boyfriend, or hired some thug to do it. He thinks he can get away with anything.
Monk: Like killing his father?
Natalie: I wouldn’t put it past him. All right, so the garage is back there. The Morgan is inside. He hasn’t even bothered to fix it.
Monk: How do you know?
Natalie: My father saw it the last time he was here.
Monk: Okay, okay. Let’s take a look.
Natalie: I can’t go in. I’ll meet you back here in ten minutes.
Monk: What are you talking about? I’m not going in there alone. That would be like me going in someplace alone.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, if he sees your, you can talk your way out of it. If he sees me, it’d be horrible. It’d be like high school all over again. I can’t. Here. In case you need it.

Natalie hands Adrian Monk her cellphone.

Monk: Natalie, I really think you’re overreacting, here. This was twenty years ago. People get older, they mature, they…

Adrian Monk goes over the Buchanan’s garage.

Mechanic: Can I help you? What the hell are you doing?
Monk: Sorry. I…
Mechanic: Are you here for the job interview?
Monk: Yes. The interview. Exactly.
Mechanic: Follow me. He’s been waiting for you.

Adrian Monk waits in the living room, and starts tidying up. Paul Buchanan arrives.

Paul: Sorry to keep you waiting. This is in case the interview doesn’t go well.

Paul shows him the shotgun.

Paul: Just joking. I was doing a little hunting. All right, so you’re here from the agency? Where’s your resume?
Monk: I lost it.
Paul: You lost your resume? Well, that doesn’t bode well, does it?
Monk: No.
Paul: What’s your name?
Monk: Adrian.
Paul: Adrian…

Adrian Monk spots a Moby Dick book.

Monk: Melville. Adrian Melville.
Paul: What’s with this place? I had friends over last night. The room was a mess.
Monk: While I was waiting, I sort of tidied up.
Paul: Well, I’m impressed. Very well done. Adrian Melville.
Monk: Thank you.
Paul: Did you do this?

He points at the jigsaw puzzle.

Monk: Yes, sorry. Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.
Paul: What, in twenty minutes? I’ve been working on this puzzle for a month.
Monk: Sorry, I’ll mess it up again. I think I remember exactly how…
Paul: No, no, no, no, no. I’ve got a couple of stepsisters who think I never finish anything. Well, come on. Sit down. Tell me, Melville. Who have you worked for? Anybody I know?
Monk: Mmm…I don’t think so. Leland Stottlemeyer of the San Francisco Stottlemeyers. Randy Disher. Dr. Charles Kroger.
Paul: No, I don’t know them.
Monk: And Natalie Teeger.
Paul: Natalie? Really? She grew up right down the street. I went to school with her when she was still Natalie Davenport. She had a big crush on me. Wouldn’t leave me alone.
Monk: Is that right?
Paul: How does she look? Does she still have that tattoo?

Adrian Monk stands up in shock.

Monk: She has a tattoo?
Paul: Well, I guess you wouldn’t have seen it. Not where she put it. Look, I’m having a big luncheon on Sunday. A bunch of the old fossils from the family foundation. Do you think Natalie would show up? It’d make the afternoon a lot better.
Monk: I don’t think…maybe.
Paul: Well, Adrian Melville, I go with my gut. And my gut likes what it sees. If Natalie Teeger recommends you, that’s good enough for me. Congratulations. You’re my new butler.
Monk: I’m your butler?
Paul: Yeah. Come on. I’ll show you around. Your room’s upstairs. Grab that drink.

Adrian Monk grabs the drink, and puts it on a tray. At the Davenport’s mansion, the maid walks over to Natalie with the phone.

Maid: Natalie. It’s for you.
Natalie: Oh. Thank you. Hello? Oh, Mr. Monk. Thank God.
Monk: I’m gonna need you to come and get me, now.
Natalie: What happened? Where are you?
Monk: I’m in my bedroom. I work here now. I’m the butler.
Natalie: You’re the butler?
Monk: Yes, your old boyfriend just hired me. I’m the new manservant.
Natalie: I think that’s great.
Monk: Do you? Do you really? Do you…Do you think it’s great?
Natalie: Yeah, you’ll be able to look around. You’re right there! You’re in the belly of the beast!
Monk: Natalie, it’s not a good thing. It’s a bad thing. Okay, it’s a belly and it’s a beast. Now come and get me.
Natalie: How about this? I pick you up tomorrow morning.
Monk: Tomorrow morning?
Natalie: Yes, maybe by then we’ll have something to show the Captain.
Monk: Okay, yeah. That’s one scenario. May I suggest an alternate scenario?

Adrian Monk bangs the phone on the nightstand.

Monk: Pick me up!

There’s a know on Monk’s door.

Monk: There’s somebody here. I’ll call you later.
Natalie: Wait! Wait, wait, wait!

Monk hangs up.

Monk: Come in.

A young housekeeper enters his room.

Maid: Mr. Melville?
Monk: Yeah, Melville.
Maid: Hi, I’m Susie, the housekeeper. Assistant housekeeper, actually. And Mrs. Murphy wanted me to see if you needed anything.
Monk: No, I’m fine.
Susie: I’m supposed to pick up your uniform, and I need to know your size.
Monk: Oh, thank you, Susie, but that won’t be…I’m a 42 regular.
Susie: Okay. I’m sorry about all the mess. This was Stilson’s room. And he subscribed to, like, 50 magazines.
Monk: Who’s, uh, Stilson?
Susie: Your predecessor. Edward Stilson. He was with the family forever. I just can’t believe he left like that.
Monk: What do you mean?
Susie: Well, Mr. Buchanan said that they had a really big fight about back pay or something. Stilson just stormed out of the house.
Monk: When was this?
Susie: Last week.
Monk: And he left his suitcase, and all of his pictures?
Susie: Well, he’ll probably send for them when he cools off. Um, I know you haven’t even unpacked yet, but we need you to approve this. It’s the seating chart for the luncheon on Sunday.
Monk: I’m sure it’s fine. Just do…do whatever you want.
Susie: Very well, Sir. I’m right down the hall if you need me.
Monk: Excuse me. Could I…could I see that again?

Adrian Monk inspects the seating chart.

Monk: There will be, uh, eleven at the table?
Susie: Yes, Sir. So do you just want to put five on one side, and then six on the…
Monk: No. No. No, no. That wouldn’t be even. It has to be even. How long is the table?
Susie: I’m not sure.
Monk: Susie. Susie. I don’t know what I’m gonna do with you.

Adrian Monk has his staff lined up. He meticulously inspects the table arrangement.

Monk: This fork is a centimeter too long.
Mrs. Murphy: It’s only a centimeter.
Monk: For the want of a nail, Mrs. Murphy, the kingdom was lost. One centimeter off on this side. One centimeter off on that side. Before you know it, what have you got?
Mrs. Murphy: Two centimeters?
Monk: Uh-oh. Who folded this napkin?
Susie: I did, Sir.
Monk: You call this a beveled half Bedford?

Adrian Monk refolds the napkin.

Mrs. Murphy: Mr. Melvill, it’s 2:30 in the morning. We’ve been here all night.
Monk: Mmm-hmm?
Mrs. Murphy: Luncheon isn’t unitl Sunday afternoon, Sir.
Monk: Almost done, Mrs. Murphy. Almost finished. How tall is Mr. Fairchild?
Mrs. Murphy: About my height, Sir.
Monk: No, then he belongs over here, across from Miss Monica. Symmetry. Sweet symmetry.
Mrs. Murphy: That’s fine, Sir, except…
Monk: Except?
Mrs. Murphy: You can’t put Mr. B next to his stepsisters.
Susie: They hate each other.
Mrs. Murphy: There was an accident. About a year ago. A car crash. Their mother died a few moments before Mr. Buchanan’s father.

Adrian Monk re-arranges the table.

Monk: Mmm, yes. I heard that story.
Mrs. Murphy: Apparently, when it cam time to divide the estate, Monica and Clara didn’t feel they were treated as fairly as they might have been.
Monk: I see. How much did they get?
Mrs. Murphy: Nothing.
Monk: And they wanted more?
Mrs. Murphy: Yes, Sir. Apparently, they did.

Natalie and Adrian Monk are at Captain Stottlemeyer’s office listening to Ralph Buchanan’s 911 emergency call.

Woman: 911. What is your emergency?
Buchanan: My wife! She’s dead!
Woman: Where are you?
Buchanan: On Sweeney road. Right near Spider Lake. I’m feeling her pulse. She’s definitely dead. She’s not breathing. Her neck is broken!

Ralph Buchanan coughs.

Buchanan: I don’t think I can…oh, God! I can’t breathe.
Woman: Sir?
Buchanan: My heart!

Captain Stottlemeyer stops the tape.

Natalie: What does that prove?
Stottlemeyer: Are you kidding? It proves everything. There’s nothing to discuss.
Natalie: Captain, we were there yesterday. There’s no reception. He couldn’t have made that call.
Stottlemeyer: That happens all the time, Natalie, for a million different reasons. Different cell phones, terrain. Read the coroner’s report. April 9th, one year ago, Camilla Buchanan died in the accident upon impact. Ralph Buchanan died of a heart attack.
Natalie: He did it. I know he did it.
Stottlemeyer: Why? Because he made you cry in homeroom?
Natalie: Because I know him, and guys like him. They think they own the world. And you know what? Because they do.
Randy: Monk, what do you think?
Monk: Look, Natalie, you heard the tape. It was an accident. She hit her head. He had a heart attack. Now, if you’ll excuse me. I have to get back to work.
Natalie: Wait, wait, wait. Why are you going back to work?
Randy: What work?
Natalie: He’s a butler.
Monk: We prefer to be called house managers.
Natalie: He’s working for Paul Buchanan, undercover.
Monk: I was undercover. Now, I’m thinking about making it official.
Stottlemeyer: As a butler?
Randy: A house manager. They prefer house manager.
Stottlemeyer: Why?
Monk: I’m good at it.
Stottlemeyer: No, no. You’re good at this. You’re good at being a cop.
Monk: Really? The department doesn’t seem to think so.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, I get it. Those son of bitches, and the hiring freeze. Look, Monk, I told you I’m working on that, okay? Just give me a little bit more time.
Monk: It’s too late, Captain. I’ve moved on. It’s a new dawn.
Randy: What about Natalie?
Monk: I’m hoping that Natalie will remain in my employ. There is a position opening up in the kitchen. Speaking of kitchens, I really must get back. I have a duck in the oven that is not going to braise itself, and the master is very particular about that sort of thing.

Adrian Monk leaves with his coat hanging over his shoulders.

Stottlemeyer: The master?

Paul Buchanan inspects the dining table arrangement.

Paul: Very good. Excellent. Thank you, Mr. Melville. Well, I don’t have to remind you people how important these stupid luncheons are. The old bats are gunning for me. They want me to screw up. They expect me to screw up. I intend to disappoint them. Mr. Melville.
Monk: Thank you, Sir. Mr. Pepperidge?

Mr. Pepperidge unveils the house’s floor plan. Adrian monk readies his pointer.

Monk: I’ve divided the house into four zones.
Susie: Mr. Stilson usually just has us start in the kitchen.
Monk: Mr. Stilson is no longer with us. So, from now on, we’re going to be cleaning the house my way. The Monk way.
Susie: Who’s Monk?

The question startles Adrian Monk.

Monk: You see. I grew up in a monastery, and the monks were very demanding. We were cleaning constantly. Eighteen hours a day. Mostly dusting. It was very dusty. Crypts, catacombs. It was holy dust. But still, you know, dust. And that is the Monk way.
Paul: Well, you heard the man. We’ll b doing it the Monk way.

Paul Buchanan leaves.

Monk: Zone one…

Later, Adrian Monk inspects the hearth.

Monk: The Swiffer, please.

Susie hands Adrian Monk The Swiffer. Adrian Monk meticulously dusts off the tip of a figurine. He then inspects the crystal glasses that Mrs. Murphy is setting.

Monk: A flaw in the crystal.
Mrs. Murphy: I don’t see it.
Monk: I do.

Adrian Monk throws the crystal glass in the trash. Monk tastes the chef’s cooking.

Monk: No.

Adrian Monk inspects every inch, and corner of the den. He finds a piece of burnt paper by the fireplace. He puts it inside his pocket. Adrian Monk looks stressed.

Mrs. Murphy: Are you all right, Sir?
Monk: Yes, there’s just so much to do. He does one of these every month?
Mrs. Murphy: Yes, Sir.

Adrian Monk notices a stain on the carpet.

Monk: Is that blood?
Mrs. Murphy: I’ll take care of it, Sir.
Monk: See that you do.

Adrian Monk fixes Paul Buchanan’s tie.

Monk: Almost done. There you go.
Paul: Thank you, Melville. Your attention to detail is almost pathological.
Monk: Thank you, Sir. It’s almost noon. I think we should be getting downstairs. I’m sorry. It’s still not quite.
Paul: Thank you, Melville.
Monk: My pleasure, Sir. Oh, I’m sorry. It’s just…there we go. Now, your guests should be arriving any second. I’m sorry. It’s still slightly…
Paul: You know what? It’s fine. It’s close enough.
Monk: One second. Almost have it…
Paul: I said it’s fine.
Monk: I just have to center…
Paul: You know what? I’m just gonna lose the tie, and go with something a little more casual.
Monk: Yes, Sir. Good choice.
Paul: Speaking of Natalie…
Monk: Were we speaking of Natalie?
Paul: Well, we are, now.
Monk: Ah.
Paul: She didn’t RSVP, did she?
Monk: I’m afraid not, Sir. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, Sir.
Paul: Do you believe that, Melville?
Monk: I don’t know, Sir. It’s a tough call.

Natalie is at her old bedroom looking through a yearbook. She notices her croaking frog stuffed toy, and is hit with an idea. Meanwhile, at the Buchanan mansion, the luncheon has started.

Woman #1: Paul, this mushroom bisque is just heavenly.
Paul: Well, it’s Camilla’s recipe. I thought it was appropriate, since the foundation was her idea. Mr. Melville, I’ll have some more soup. My diet be damned!
Monk: Very good, Sir.
Woman #2: Paulie, I have to say, when you’re sitting in that chair, in that suit, you look just like your father.
Woman #3: You sound like him, too.
Monica: He’s a crook.
Paul: Monica, did you say something?
Monica: I said, you can’t judge a crook by his cover.

Paul laughs. Susie whispers to Monk.

Susie: Sir, there’s a phone call for you. A Miss Teeger?
Monk: Who?
Susie: Natalie Teeger.
Monk: I’ll call her back.
Susie: She says it’s very important.
Monk: It can’t be more important than this, can it?

Natalie receives Monk’s message.

Natalie: He said what?

Natalie sighs, looks at the pillow, and is once again hit with an idea.

Back at the luncheon…

Man: It’s only the second course, and I can barely move.
Paul: Well, as long as you can still sign those checks, Alfred, that’s all that matters.
Woman: #2: Paul, I’m so glad you decided to keep the house.
Man #2: We were afraid you might sell it.
Paul: Oh, absolutely not. I will never sell this place. This is the homestead, Roger. This is where Clara, Monica, and I grew up.
Monica: Till you kicked us out.
Clara: Monica! Not now!
Monica: Why not now? We may never be invited back. You know what I can’t get past? Our mother died ten minutes before his father. If Ralph had died first, we would have inherited everything. Ten minutes. Six hundred seconds.
Paul: Are you accusing me of something, Monica?
Monica: All I’m saying is you’re either very lucky or very smart. And I’m very drunk.

Susie approaches Paul Buchanan.

Susie: I’m sorry to interrupt, but we have another guest.

Natalie Teeger arrives.

Paul: Natalie!

Adrian Monk is surprised.

Natalie: Is there room for one more? I changed my mind, and decided to come.
Paul: Well, of course there is! Mr. Melville! You remember Mr. Melville, don’t you?
Natalie: Yes, of course.
Monk: Miss Teeger.
Natalie: I should never have let Mr. Melville go.
Paul: Miss Teeger will be joining us. We’ll need another place setting.
Monk: I don’t think there’s room, Sir. It’s all been planned out to the centimeter. It took me all night.
Paul: Melville, I’m not gonna ask you again.
Monk: Thank you, Sir.
Paul: Put Miss Teeger at the table. Put her next to me, and do it now.
Monk: As you wish.
Paul: Everyone, this is Natalie Davenport, an old friend of mine from high school. At least, I hope she still considers me a friend.
Natalie: Oh.

Natalie laughs.

Paul: You look fantastic.
Natalie: No.
Paul: Really. I mean, you haven’t changed a bit since high school.

Paul kisses Natalie’s hands.

Natalie: Well, I wouldn’t say that.

Natalie removes her coat to reveal that she’s pregnant.

Paul: Look at that. Congratulations.
Natalie: Oh, thank you. My boyfriend couldn’t make it. He had to go to anger management class. Again.
Paul: Hmmm. Well, I’d better get back to the, uh, I’m glad you could come.
Natalie: Mr. Melville, will you help me with my coat?

Adrian Monk hesitantly helps Natalie with her coat. The two walk over to the living room.

Monk: How did you do that?
Natalie: See, Mr. Monk, when two people love each other, they want to express that love…
Monk: What?
Natalie: It’s a pillow.
Monk: Uh, well, that explains almost nothing.
Natalie: I had to come. I realized something about the frogs.
Monk: What frogs?
Natalie: Okay, on that 911 call, there were no frogs in the background. You were there. Remember how loud they were? That call was definitely made from some place else.
Monk: Not necessarily. Maybe they just weren’t croaking. Maybe they were tired.
Natalie: Frogs don’t get tired.
Monk: You don’t think frogs don’t get tired.
Natalie: No, I don’t.
Monk: Believe me. Frogs get tired. The hopping, and the thing with the tongue. You try hopping around, and catching flies. You wouldn’t last ten minutes.
Natalie: This man is a creep! Why are you protecting him?
Monk: I’m not protecting anyone. There is no evidence here.
Natalie: Then find some! You’re a detective. You were supposed to go check out the car in the garage. Have you been to the garage?
Monk: No, something came up.
Natalie: What?
Monk: This. My life. My new career. I love it here.
Natalie: No, you don’t.
Monk: Yes, I do.
Natalie: No, you don’t. I can tell. You look terrible.
Monk: Well, fortunately, this job is not about my looks.
Natalie: Have you been sleeping at all?

Natalie takes a glass of champagne.

Mrs. Murphy enters the living room.

Mrs. Murphy: Mr. Melville, shall we begin the main course, Sir?
Monk: Yes, thank you, Mrs. Murphy.
Mrs. Murphy: Should you be drinking that?

Adrian Monk serves the main course.

Woman #1: I’ll have some quail, please.
Monk: He took the quail. We’re alternating.
Woman #1: I prefer the quail.
Monk: It’s just…we’ve been going quail, duck, quail, duck, quail, duck…
Woman #1: I don’t like duck.
Monk: Then you’ll have to sit over there.
Woman #1: I have to change seats?
Monk: Fine. Here.

Adrian Monk gives the woman the quail.

Monk: Two quails right next to each other there.

Adrian Monk stabs the quail with a knife.

Monk: Enjoy.
Paul: By the way, you’re all invited to stay. Alfred and I are gonna do some quail hunting later with a few of the neighbors.

Paul looks at Mrs. Murphy.

Paul: Where’s Natalie?
Mrs. Murphy: She said she had to freshen up, Sir.
Paul: Really?

Natalie is at the garage inspecting the Morgan. She looks at the car log.

Natalie: The 9th. The night they died. 8:30? God! So he was here.

Natalie takes the log.

Paul: There you are. I was getting worried.
Natalie: Oh, God. I was just feeling nauseous.
Paul: So you came to the garage?
Natalie: Yeah, I didn’t want to bother anybody.
Paul: I’m glad you did. I wanted to talk to you. Sometimes I think about adopting a kid. Someone to share all this with. So, if things don’t work out with you and your boyfriend…

Paul puts his hand on Natalie’s stomach.

Natalie: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s something to think about. Well, I better get back in there.

Paul notices that one of the car logs is missing. The guests leave the mansion. Natalie rushes to her car. Paul stands in front of her car.

Paul: You’re leaving? We’re going hunting. I wanted to invite you.
Natalie: No, thank you.
Paul: Your parents will be joining us.
Natalie: I can’t. I have to take care of something.
Paul: I’m sure they’ll be fine.
Natalie: What do you mean?
Paul: You know what it’s like hunting. Accidents happen all the time. Don’t worry. I’ll look after them.

Adrian Monk is in his bedroom, exhausted. He removes his shoe with his foot when he accidentally kicks over the pile of magazines. He noticed that some letters on a page was cut out. He remembers the piece of paper he saw by the fireplace. He takes it out of his pocket, and reads that it says “Police”.

Monk: Police.

Adrian Monk remembers something.

Monk: What have I done?

He removes his suit, and hangs it on the rack.

Natalie is with Paul in the forest. Two other hunters see them.

Hunters: Hey! We’re over here.
Paul: It’s okay. Go ahead. We’ll catch up.

Adrian Monk rushes out of the mansion, and finds that Natalie’s car is still there. He asks the mechanic.

Monk: Hey! Where’s Natalie?
Mechanic: Pregnant lady? She’s with the boss. They went hunting.

Adrian Monk runs over to the forest.

Paul: All right. Give me the page.
Natalie: What?
Paul: My father’s journal. You stole a page. Give it to me.

Natalie hesitantly hands over the page to Paul. Paul throws a hunting vest at Natalie.

Paul: Put it on.
Natalie: Why?
Paul: There’s gonna be an accident. I told you. It happens all the time.

Adrian Monk sees the two other hunters.

Monk: Hey! Have you seen Natalie?
Hunters: Oh, yeah. She’s with Paul, back that way.
Monk: I’m gonna have to borrow this.

Adrian Monk takes the shotgun.

Natalie: Paul, you just…you can’t do this.
Paul: Oh, I can’t? Look up there. See that well? Two weeks ago, I shot my butler, and dropped his body in it. You should’ve gone with me to the prom, Natty.

Paul aims his shotgun at Natalie.

Monk: Buchanan! Lower the weapon.
Paul: Melville?
Monk: Just lower it!

Adrian Monk fires a shot. A bird drops dead.

Paul: Well, you’re fired. That goes without saying.

Natalie grabs the sheet of paper from Paul, and also his shotgun.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, look, his father kept a journal. He came back before he died.
Monk: That makes sense.

Natalie walks over to Adrian Monk, and aims the shotgun at Paul.

Monk: It all makes sense now.

Flashback ensues…

Ralph Buchanan is on the garage floor unconscious. Paul sees him, and rushes to revive him, but it’s too late.

Monk: His father died of a heart attack, like the coroner said. Paul must have found him, but he had a problem. His stepmother would inherit everything, and he would be completely cut out, unless…
Natalie: She died too.
Monk: She not only had to die, she had to die first or at least it had to look like it, because if she died second, even by a few minutes, her children would inherit everything.

Flashback ensues…

Camilla Buchanan is sitting reading a magazine when a frantic Paul arrives.

Monk: He got her to leave the house.

In the flashback…

Paul: Come quickly! There’s been an accident!

Camilla rushes out with Paul. Paul drives the Morgan to Sweeney Road.

Monk: He brought her up to Sweeney Road, and that’s where he killed her.

Camilla steps out of the car. Paul takes a large rock, and hits her on the head.

Monk: Then he set the stage.

Paul takes his father’s corpse out of the trunk of the car, and he slams the Morgan to the guardrail.

Monk: You were right about the phone call. There was no signal. He had to walk a few miles to call 911.

In the flashback, Paul calls 911 impersonating his father’s voice.

Paul: My wife! She’s dead.
Woman: Where are you?
Paul: On Sweeney Road. Right near Spider Lake. I’m feeling her pulse, she’s definitely dead. She’s not breathing. Her neck is broken. I don’t think I can…Oh, God. I can’t breathe!
Woman: Sir?
Paul: My heart!
Woman: Are you all right?

Monk: Imitating his father was easy. Mrs. Claridge mentioned you sounded just like him. So it was perfect. They were both dead. And your stepmother had obviously died first.
Paul: Who are you?
Natalie: This is my boss, Adrian Monk.
Bobby: Hello! Sorry we’re late.

Bobby and Peggy Davenport arrive.

Peggy: Hello, darling.

Peggy is surprised to see her daughter pregnant.

Peggy: Natalie! When did this happen?

Adrian Monk is at Captain Stottlemeyer’s office.

Stottlemeyer: I told you. I’d take care of it.

Captain Stottlemeyer hands a piece of paper to Adrian Monk.

Monk: What is it?
Stottlemeyer: It’s from the deputy commissioner. That’s his signature. It says that you, Adrian Monk, are exempt from the current hiring freeze when you are ready to come back to work your badge will be waiting for you.
Natalie: How did you do that?
Stottlemeyer: I talked to the man. I laid it all out.
Randy: He threatened to quit.
Stottlemeyer: You did?
Randy: Yeah, I was there. It was pretty intense, and I seriously considered quitting.
Stottlemeyer: I wasn’t bluffing. I meant it.
Randy: Me, too. They could tell I was about to consider it.
Monk: Leland, I don’t know how to…
Stottlemeyer: Buy me lunch. We’ll call it even.
Monk: Okay.

Adrian Monk grabs Captain Stottlemeyer’s coat.

Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Monk: I was just…
Stottlemeyer: You’re not my butler.
Monk: Oh, right.
Stottlemeyer: You’re a cop.
Monk: I’m a cop.
Randy: You’re a cop.
Natalie: You’re a cop.
Monk: I’m a cop. I’m a cop. I’m a cop.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Is At Your Service” episode was written by Rob LaZebnik. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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