Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Yang 3 in 2D – Psych Transcript 5.16

It was 1990, Young Shawn Spencer is riding his bike around his neighborhood. A woman taking out groceries from the back of her station wagon catches his attention.

Present day, Shawn and Gus are walking to the police station.

Shawn: If I had to choose, I would die execution style by firing squad.
Gus: First of all, nobody’s asking you to choose. And secondly, why that? It’s brutal and violent.
Shawn: I know. But I would select all my shooters personally. George Carlin, Abbot or Costello or whoever the fat one was. Richard Pryor, Adam Brody, all the comedy greats. How funny would that be?
Gus: It wouldn’t be. You’d be dead.
Shawn: Why do you gotta take it to a dark place?  Continue reading...

The chief briefs Shawn, Gus, and her detectives about a case.

Chief: Her name is Allison Cowley. She claims to have been abducted by our serial killer, Mr. Yin.

Shawn plays with the candy bowl.

Chief: And she won’t give her statement to anyone but you. What is that sound?
Shawn: Oh, I’m sorry, Chief. Sucking candy?
Chief: We have a situation here.
Shawn: The situation is that Gus and I field six of these yin calls a month.
Gus: 6.8.
Shawn: That would insinuate one of us was missing an appendage. Sucking candy?
Gus: These yinites come out of the woodwork looking for some find of thrill, or a validation, or…
Juliet: Closure.
Lassiter: Sickos and whackjobs, but very sad.
Shawn: I concur, Lassie. Suck.

Shawn Spencer throws a sucking candy at Lassiter that just hits him on the chest, and falls on the floor.

Chief: Mr. Spencer, we have an obligation to investigate every claim that comes into this station. So, get in there.

Shawn Spencer interrogates the victim.

Shawn: You know, these yinites are usually women in their late forties. You’re off-type, I’ll give you that, and I’m guessing that’s your red Jetta out front? Am I right?

Detective Juliet O’Hara and Detective Carlton Lassiter watch the interrogation through the one-way mirror.

Juliet: She seems genuinely upset.

In the interrogation room…

Allison: I was kidnapped. I should be dead right now. Do you have any idea how that feels?
Gus: Why do you think that this is Yin?
Allison: I don’t think. I know. I heard his voice. He told me I was special, and then eh shackled me to a pipe.

Allison pulls up her sleeve to show them the bruises from the cuffs. She pulls out something out of her pocket.

Allison: This was my retainer. Now, it’s just a little piece of wire that saved my life. I came to you because this is very, very real, and very personal.

In the viewing room…

Juliet: I don’t need to be here anymore, do I?
Lassiter: No.

In the interrogation room…

Shawn: Okay, sure, and I, I know it feels very real to you, but regardless of what you’ve read or may have heard, I have no personal connection to this psychopath. All right? I’m sorry. Sorry to let you down.

Allison pulls out something from her bag.

Allison: I stole this on my way out.

Allison shows Shawn Spencer the framed picture of him with Yang when he was still a kid.

The SWAT team arrives at the house where Allison claims she was held hostage.

Lassiter: You’re sure this is the house, right?
Allision: I’m positive.
Lassiter: Stay here.

The SWAT team with Lassiter and O’Hara surround the front door.

Lassiter: On my count.
SWAT: Okay.
Lassiter: One, two, go!

The SWAT breaks into the house.

Lassiter: SBPD!

Their arrival shocks the family having dinner.

Father: Hey!
Lassiter: Hands in the air!
Father: Hey!

The SWAT pushes the father on to the floor. Lassiter sees the pictures on the mantle, and realizes their mistake.

Lassiter: Aw, crap.

Later, Chief Vick apologizes to the family.

Chief: Again, we apologize profusely, and the sergeant behind you will indeed take your statement at this time.
Allison: It’s not possible. There were no people. None of this is right.
Chief: I don’t know what kind of thrill you were after at the expense of the Santa Barbara police department, but you can bet that I will personally be pursuing charges for filing a false police report.
Gus: Chief, we jumped the gun, and we do apologize profusely.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, wait just one profuse second here. What about the photograph.
Lassiter: If you hadn’t had that psychic tizzy fit back at the station, we would’ve taken the time to have the photograph analyzed. Looked photoshopped to me.
Chief: Analyze it, and then get back to me within seconds of you having anything conclusive.

The Chief, Lassiter and O’Hara walk away.

Allison: I’m not crazy. He brought me here. I’ll prove it to you.

Allison puts a blindfold around her eyes, and enters the house.

Allison: Straight ahead is the kitchen. Go to the left, there’s a fireplace with river rock. French doors go out to the yard. To my right there’s stairs going up with a stained glass window, at the base, tulips.
Shawn: Wow.

Allison removes her blindfold.

Shawn: Really? Tulips? They thought that was worth staining in the glass? No. I would’ve done something with Kristy Swanson’s character from Higher Learning. Huh? Maybe her hitting a backhand. Please believe me.

Gus mouths a “No”. Detective Juliet O’Hara returns.

Juliet: Um, Shawn, can I talk to you for a sec?
Shawn: Yeah. One second.

Shawn and Juliet step out of the house.

Juliet: Shawn, I’m a little concerned.
Shawn: I know. I know, I’ve been wearing these jeans for seven months straight. I’m gonna wash them this weekend.
Juliet: Stop it. You still believe this girl?
Shawn: I don’t know for sure, but shouldn’t we give her a chance? What if she is telling the truth?
Juliet: Shawn, I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, but this has been a complete waste of our time, and a little sick, quite frankly.
Shawn: Why is it so hard for you to imagine? You of all people. Are you afraid to believe her?

Juliet walks away. Allison and Gus step out of the house.

Shawn: Hey, Allison, where are you staying?
Allison: I’m living in an apartment off-campus.
Shawn: Right. That doesn’t feel too safe. At least not until we sort this out. You know, we know a place where you’ll be in good hands. Old, calloused hands, but, but safe.

Allison is in the house of Henry Spencer looking at a picture frame.

Allison: So, are you psychic too?

Henry Spencer who is drinking spurts coffee at the question.

Henry: Uh, no. No, that’s um, that’s Shawn’s gift…alone. Here you go. Now sip it, it’s hot.
Allison: Thank you. You guys seem really close.

Allison brings over the picture she was looking at.

Henry: Yeah, that’s me forcing Shawn to fish. He hated it, but photographs can be very deceiving.

At the police station, Shawn and Gus talk to the tech person analyzing his photograph with Yang.

Tech: The pixel is the smallest addressable screen element. It’s the smallest unit of a picture that can be controlled. Each pixel has its own address.
Gus: Is the picture real?
Tech: Parts of it are.
Gus: What does that mean?
Tech: Uh, the background is simply that, it’s changeable.

The tech guys changes the background.

Tech: This image has been laid on top of a fixed pixel array. It’s fake.
Shawn: Now, we’re talking.
Tech: These pixels, however…

The tech shows the picture of Shawn with Yang without the background.

Tech: Are rendered from the same set of subpixels. They’re undeniably connected. You were definitely standing next to the woman in the photo.

At Henry Spencer’s house, Henry Spencer brings Allison upstairs.

Allison: Oh, another hand turkey. I think that makes six.
Henry: Yeah, it’s a good thing that Shawn is sharp in other areas, because he is artistically-challenged.
Allison: Oh, come on, that’s not bad for a toddler.
Henry: He made that one last Thanksgiving.

Henry Spencer leads Allison to Shawn Spencer’s old bedroom.

Henry: I hope the He-Man sheets are acceptable.
Allison: Wow, seems untouched.
Henry: Yeah, I thought about turning the room in some sort of workspace, but in my case that meant target practice, which doesn’t seem to practical.

Allison looks around then suddenly starts crying.

Henry: Hey. Hey, come on, come on. Everything’s gonna be okay. You just went through a trauma, and sometimes the body has to go into shock before it can start to process this stuff.
Allison: I’m not crying about that. I’m crying because Shawn believes me. He’s the only one.

At the Santa Barbara police station, Detective O’Hara speaks with Detective Lassiter.

Juliet: The family had just returned home from a two-week vacation in Fort Lauderdale.
Lassiter: So?
Juliet: So, he may have been there the night before.
Lassiter: Your theory is that Yin broke into the house, stole all the furniture, abducted the girl, then moved it all back in once she escaped? You sound like Spencer.
Juliet: Okay, I know it sounds far-fetched, but Yin has done more elaborate things in the past. Allison Cowley knew the exact layout of this home.
Lassiter: So maybe she broke into the house herself to learn the layout. She’s a whackjob! Come on, O’Hara.
Juliet: Look…I know what it feels like, okay? I have heard his voice, I have felt his breath, Carlton. I know what you’re thinking, and I don’t need to hear it, okay? If this girl is telling the truth, she needs our help. My help.

Henry Spencer is asleep on the couch when he hears a clanging. With a gun in his hand, he investigates. He goes out the porch, and sees nothing. He rushes upstairs, and Allison is gone, and the bed sheet is marked with a Yin Yang symbol.

The police arrive at Henry Spencer’s house.

Lassiter: I want pictures of every inch of this room. With this guy, anything can be a clue.
Juliet: This cannot happen again. If this girl dies, we all have blood on our hands.
Henry: No, no, no, there is nothing down there. I cannot believe I did not check this room first.
Shawn: Look dad, you followed your instincts, okay? And they were right. She should’ve been safe here.
Henry: The son of the bitch was in my house, he’s gonna contend with me now.
Shawn: He’s gonna contend with all of us, and I mean…all of us.

Shawn and Gus pay Yang a visit.

Gus: You really think this will work?
Shawn: Certainly worth a shot. We wouldn’t have made it through the last round without her.
Gus: What the…

Yang arrives all dolled up.

Shawn: Hey! Looks like somebody was a bad girl, and raided mommy’s closet.
Yang: Hi, boys. Thank you, Gregory. Shawn, Shawn, Shawn. The prodigal son returns.
Gus: Are you wearing make-up?
Yang: I am. It’s part of my new self-esteem class. Do you think I look pretty?
Gus: Depends, how far along are you in the class?
Shawn: Yes, we do. We think you look lovely.
Yang: I’ve made a lot of progress since the last time we saw each other, Shawn. They’re calling me a model prisoner patient. No longer considered to be a danger to myself or others except for the fat bitch in the cafeteria who can’t grasp the concept of a full scoop of mashed potatoes.
Shawn: We’re here to ask for your help again.
Yang: You look so much happier, Shawn. Are you seeing someone?
Shawn: Uh, I don’t really think that’s any…
Yang: Shawn Spencer has taken a lover! Yay!

Yang claps her hands, and the other mentally ill patients do the same.

Yang: It’s about time. We were worried about you.
Shawn: Why don’t you tell me about this?

Shawn Spencer shows Yang their picture.

Yang: Oh, look. We looked so innocent back then.
Shawn: Why can’t I remember it?
Yang: You don’t remember it? Shawn, I’m insulted. This was our moment.
Gus: Where was this photo taken?
Yang: No, no, no, no. You guys have to figure that out for yourselves. I’m not just going to tell you. How much fun would that be?
Shawn: Yin has taken another victim. Her name is Allison Cowley. If you’ve made all this progress, why don’t you prove it to us?
Gus: If you want redemption, lead us to Yin, and help us save this girl.
Yang: Color me intrigued.
Shawn: Great. Start talking.
Yang: No, Shawn. That’s not the way I work, you know that. I’m just like you. I need to feel, and touch, and see things with my own eyes. Take me to the crime scene.
Shawn: Oh, come on, that’s impossible.
Yang: Me hosting The View, and making out with Elizabeth Hasselback is impossible. This is not. It’s non-negotiable. You’re gonna take me there, I’m gonna tell you where I think Yin is, where he’s holding the girl, et cetera. Otherwise, I’m late or the afternoon movie. They’re screening Carbon Copy. I can’t resist a young Susan Saint James. Spunky.
Shawn: Yeah, I can’t believe this.

Shawn Spencer pulls out his phone, and dials.

Shawn: Lassie, hey. I need a smallish favor.

Henry is on the phone with his ex-wife.

Henry: You remember a shirt that Shawn had as a kid? It was a sky blue shirt with a dark blue collar.
Maddy: Henry, what is this about? Who would remember his shirts from childhood?
Henry: I do. Almost all of them. I just don’t remember this one. Now, I know he stopped wearing shirts with brand names on them right after his ninth birthday.
Maddy: Why do you know that?
Henry: Because we had an argument about it. He didn’t want to promote products without being paid for it. Maddy, do you remember the shirt or don’t you?
Maddy: What’s going on, Henry? You sound like a detective right now.
Henry: I am a detective. Maddy, I don’t want you to be alarmed, but this has to do with Yang.
Maddy: Did she escape?
Henry: No, no, no, it’s nothing like that. She’s safe. She’s behind bars. It’s just this photograph. This picture. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it. I’ll handle it all.
Maddy: Look, if Shawn is in trouble, you better tell me right now.

Henry Spencer hears a car pull up on the driveway.

Henry: Maddy, I’m gonna have to call you back.

Henry Spencer looks out the window, and finds the police with Yang. Later, Yang is in Shawn’s old bedroom with the police.

Yang: Wow. So this is where it all began. Boyhood nights under the covers with a flashlight making shadows on the ceiling dance, counting the lambs while you drifted off to sleep. Oh, I wish I could go back in time, and pinch those chubby little cheeks…

Yang walks over to Shawn, and pinches his cheek.

Yang: And tell you nothing will be okay.
Lassiter: Start talking, Yang, or it’s back to the rubber room.
Gus: What does Lassi think this is, Shutter Island?
Shawn: Either that or Tootsie.
Yang: Okay, okay, don’t get your 1950s boxers in a twist, Carlton. Come on, Shawn, let’s do this together. Hmmm…you must’ve cared a lot about this girl to let her sleep in your bed. Does your lover know?
Shawn: I haven’t taken a lover, okay? Besides, my dad made the sleeping arrangements.
Yang: Oh, and they call me the sick one? The girl wasn’t dragged out of here, she was lifted out. Was she drugged?
Juliet: CSI said they found an alcohol swab.
Lassiter: So, he was gentle with her. Why?

Flashback ensues.

Allison: He told me I was special.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: Something different about this one. She’s special.
Yang: Exactly, Shawn. See how well we work together?
Gus: So, maybe he won’t kill her?
Yang: Oh, no, he is definitely going to kill her. He’s just got something special planned. Something fit for a grand finale.
Juliet: So where would he have taken her?
Yang: Sadly, I have not been in contact with Yin. Surprise, surprise, he hasn’t visited me during my incarceration.
Lassiter: Then why the hell did we bring you here?
Yang: Because Shawn and I have a romantic history together, and I deserve to see his bedroom.
Lassiter: That’s it. This circus is over. Let’s go.

Lassiter begins to drag Yang out of the bedroom.

Yang: Okay, ow! Gosh. Fine. Sometimes it isn’t something he leaves behind, the clue. Sometimes it’s something he takes with him. Shawn.
Shawn: What? I’ve been in this room twice in the last fifteen years, how am I supposed to know if something’s missing?
Henry: Shawn, think. Use your gift. Go back in time, and se…sense the way things were.
Shawn: What does this possibly have to do with Barbra Streisand?
Henry: Focus.

Shawn hops on his old bed, and looks around. He notices that one of his toy soldiers is pointing at something.

Shawn: One of my army men. It’s facing the wrong direction.

He goes over to the shelf where his toy soldier is pointing at.

Shawn: My vinyl? It’s pointing at my vinyl. Meat is Murder by the Smiths. 1984, Van Halen. Both missing.
Juliet: Are you sure?
Shawn: Of course, I’m sure, they’re all in order.
Juliet: Tears for Fears, Depeche Mode, Thomspon Twins, what order are you using?
Shawn: Sweetness. Men Without Hats is cooler than Echo and the Bunnymen?
Yang: More importantly, where are Devo and the Talking Heads in all this?
Shawn: All right, let’s, let’s just think about this for a second. Meat is Murder, first track, The Headmaster Ritual. Second track…wait a second. 1984 has Hot for Teacher. The Headmaster, teacher…

Flashback ensues.

Allison: I live in an apartment off-campus.

Shawn remembers seeing a student parking permit sticker on Allison’s red Jetta.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: I am sensing that this is about her teacher.

Juliet talks to a clerk at a counter.

Male Student: Save Ferris. Save Ferris.

A female student takes a flyer.

Female Student: Thank you.

Detective O’Hara walks over to Shawn, Lassiter and Gus, and hands Shawn a piece of paper.

Juliet: Okay, this is Allison’s class schedule.
Shawn: Maybe you can…

Shawn Spencer notices “A Revisionist Guide to Romantic History” taught by Professor Rotmensen in Lecture Hall C at the Simoleum Building on her schedule.

Flashback ensues.

Yang: Because Shawn and I have a romantic history together, and I deserve to see his bedroom.

Flashback ends.

Shawn: Hey, Simoleum Building, Lecture Hall C, where is it?
Male Student: Are you serious?
Shawn: Oh, no, I’m not. Not very often!

A sign that says “Simoleum Wing” hangs above their heads. Shawn runs up the stairs followed by Gus and the detectives.

Male Student: If you hit Lecture Hall D, you’ve gone too far!

The police barge in the lecture hall.

Lassiter: Karl Rotmensen! You’re wanted for questioning in the abduction of…
Professor: I’m not Karl Rotmensen, I’m just his substitute.
Juliet: Where is he?
Professor: I don’t know. I don’t know. I was just given his lesson to copy on the board.
Juliet: Let me see some I.D. It’s okay.

Lassiter goes over to the desk, and looks at a report. He begins to read the report aloud.

Lassiter: “A wily prince named Spencerton attempts to save Lady Allison from the evil clutches of the handsome, but vicious Lord Yin.” What the hell is this?
Professor: Uh, it’s an exercise, a writing essay. The students can write the details of the story anyway they want but they all have to use the same ending.
Juliet: What is the ending?
Professor: The girl dies. It’s a real downer.

The police speak with the dean.

Dean: Professor Rotmensen has not shown up for his lecture since last week, so we brought in a sub. He never called in sick, and we never heard from him.
Juliet: You never noticed anything strange about him? Any odd behavior?
Dean: I you’re asking me if he conducted himself like a serial killer, running around with shrunken heads, or wearing students’ skin as a dress, then no. We’re talking about a highly intelligent man who was either tenured or an adjunct professor at every prestigious institution in California. We were lucky to get him.
Gus: I’d hold off on naming a library after him just yet.
Lassiter: I don’t suppose you have an address for him on file?
Dean: This is the only address on file. Thank you, you’ve been very unhelpful.

Maddy arrives at Henry Spencer’s house, while Henry is intent on scouring through photo albums.

Maddy: I should’ve remembered the shirt. I should’ve remembered a lot of things.
Henry: Look, Maddy, I…
Maddy: I got on a plane, and I flew here, and now I’m standing here in your house. This is where you make me a pot of your horrendous coffee. It’s gonna be a long night.
Henry: These are all the photographs I took that summer with my camera. I’ve been through everything, twice, three times, I just can’t find a match.

Shawn, Gus, Juliet and Lassiter arrive at Henry’s house.

Shawn: Mom! What are you doing here?
Maddy: Goose.

Maddy gives his son a hug.

Maddy: Your father called me. I came here to help.
Shawn: Dad, why in the hell would…
Henry: Shawn, she figured it out, she’s here now, okay? Let’s focus on what’s important. We’re gonna have to do this together.
Maddy: Gus, Juliet…Detective Lassiter.
Lassiter: Doctor.
Shawn: All right, fine. We got an address for Yin. It was a field. In the middle of the field was a box, inside the box was some VHS tapes.

Shawn holds up a paper bag with a “For Shawn” written on it.

Shawn: We don’t know what’s on them, but we’re about to find out.

Shawn Spencer pops in the VHS tape in the VCR.

Lassiter: I can’t believe he led us to a cardboard box in the middle of a field. That’s such a blatant rip-off of Se7en.
Gus: We got lucky, it could’ve been Gwyneth Paltrow’s head.
Juliet: Good thing you still had a VCR, Shawn.
Shawn: I’ve got a laser disc player too. Gus still has his Lite-Brite.

Shawn plays the video. It’s a video diary of Mary.

Mary: Hey, Shawn. Guster. So a lot of this stuff is just gonna be, you know, just some random thoughts that I’m having. Um ideas, there’ll be a lot of my personal poetry, and there’ll be some observations on Yin and Yang.
Lassiter: What the hell is this?
Shawn: It’s his video diaries. Yin must’ve stolen it from Mary’s apartment when he broke in last year.
Gus: He kept them this whole time?
Shawn: I suspect or this precise moment to help us find him.
Juliet: You’re saying he wanted us to find him?
Shawn: Yeah, I’ve been thinking why else take someone so close to home? This feels like an exit strategy.
Lassiter: In other words, if we don’t catch him now, we don’t catch him.
Gus: Then let’s pay attention.
Mary: Day one, hour one. What is the deal with One Tree Hill? I don’t understand. It’s like a, like a poorly-executed Dawson’s Creek. Why are they doing that? Don’t even get me started on Chad Michael Murray. Too late, I’m gonna start in. He has dead eyes.

The VCR blacks out then another video diary plays.

Mary: Jasper peaks, arrows and bows…
Gus: Is he wearing a monkey ascot?
Shawn: It’s a monkscot.
Mary: The tickle of a good friend’s nose, and a tum tum filled with spaghettios.

Shawn fast forwards the video, and he plays it again when he reached another video diary.

Lassiter: Spencer, when do we turn this crap off?
Shawn: There has to be a clue buried in here somewhere for me. There has to be.

Shawn fast forwards the video again.

Shawn: Whoa! Wait a minute. That’s dated two nights before he was murdered.

Shawn plays the video.

Mary: No, Marian. Okay, Shawn…I might be loopy on too much string cheese right now, but I think I just realized something. The reason that Yang’s book rang false could be because she’s a pawn in all this, okay? She exhibits characteristics that are way more indicative of a victim than an aggressor, all right? And we know she didn’t do it alone, right? Maybe she didn’t do it at all. I just think Yin is very, very angry with her for being caught. Maybe even jealous of the infamy. Shawn, I think Yin’s about to take revenge of the highest malevolence, and I’m worried.

At Henry Spencer’s house, Henry and Maddy are still sorting through decades of pictures.

Maddy: Henry, wait a minute.
Henry: What? What did you find?
Maddy: Remember that instamatic you bought me for my photography class? These are the pictures I took.
Henry: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Maddy: Wait a minute. Oh my God, it’s her.

Henry and Maddy look at the picture of Shawn and Yang.

Henry: Whose car was this? What were you doing there?

Shawn, Gus and the detectives are still watching Mary’s video diaries.

Mary: I think that CGI has ruined movie storytelling for all of us.
Gus: Is he wearing a onesie?
Shawn: Yes.
Mary: I don’t wanna say it’s completely Michael Bay’s fault, but that guy needs to be stopped because it’s all his fault.

Mary’s video diary is recorded over with a video of Allison shackled to a post.

Juliet: Whoa. That’s Allison. Where is she?
Lassiter: Those stairs seem to indicate a basement somewhere.

Maddy tells Henry of the day she took the picture of Shawn and Yang.

Maddy: I was out looking for Shawn, because he was late for dinner. It started to rain, and I found him on his bike, and I met her. She asked if she could have her picture taken with him.
Henry: And you let her?
Maddy: She seemed so sad. She said Shawn was the luckiest, most handsome boy she’d ever seen, and that he had kindness in his eyes. I felt so bad for her. I never saw her again. I looked for her that week. I put the picture in the mailbox. I never knew she ever got it.
Henry: Yeah, well, now we know she did. Shawn! Shawn! Get down here!

Shawn, Gus and the detectives rush downstairs.

Henry: We found it. Your mom took this photograph. It’s a house, it’s over on Grayson Street.
Gus: Grayson Street?

Shawn remembers the woman with the groceries.

Shawn: Oh, my God. That was Yang? This whole thing started three blocks away.

Shawn rushes out to the door.

Shawn: Come on, Gus.
Henry: Shawn. Shawn, get back! Shawn, get…damn it, Shawn!
Lassiter: Where the hell is Grayson Street?
Henry: Shawn! Maddy, stay here. Lock both doors. Do not leave.

Shawn and Gus rush to the house on Grayson Street. Shawn rushes up the front steps then stops. He turns to the mailbox.

Shawn: The flag’s up.

Shawn looks inside the mailbox, and finds a card. He reads it.

Shawn: “Shawn and the salesman, the key’s under the mat, wipe your feet, come alone or the girl dies.”
Gus: Shawn…
Shawn: We don’t have a choice, Gus.

Shawn and Gus enter the house, and soon after the door is shut, two bolts automatically lock them inside. They hear Maddy’s voice.

Maddy on audio: What is this about? Is this about Shawn?
Gus: That’s your mom’s voice.
Maddy on audio: Is he okay? Look, if Shawn is in trouble you better tell me right now, because I…

Shawn sees the equipment that plays a tape of his mother’s phone conversation with his dad.

Maddy on audio: Henry?
Shawn: He must’ve tapped my dad’s phone, and recorded it.

Someone turns on the lights. Detectives Lassiter, O’Hara and Henry Spencer arrive. Henry runs up to the house.

Lassiter: Henry. Henry, backup’s on the way!

Henry bangs on the door to now avail.

Allison Cowley is shackled to a post in the basement. Shawn and Gus find her.

Shawn: Allison.

A scared Allison stands up.

Shawn: Where is he? It’s okay. We’re gonna get you outta here. It’s gonna be okay.
Allison: Shawn, nothing’s gonna be okay.

Henry breaks the basement’s small window, but finds a grill behind it.

Juliet: Oh, my God.
Allison: I told him that I didn’t think you would take the bait, but I guess that’s why he’s the master.

Allison breaks off the handcuffs, and points a shotgun at them.

Allison: And I’m the apprentice. What do you say I give you a tour of the house?

Allison points the shotgun at Shawn and Gus as she orders them to go upstairs.

Shawn: Allison, don’t do this. You have been brainwashed. Put the gun down, you could still have a life.
Allison: Save it, Pyramus. You were so easy. All I’ve heard is, “He’s so worthy. My greatest foe…” Blah, blah, blah. I bust out the pouty lips and puffy eyes, you fell for every neo-romantic cliché in the book.

Shawn and Gus enter a room. Allison pokes Gus with the shotgun.

Gus: Oh!
Allison: Go on.

Yin sits behind a desk with his back turned.

Allison: Move. Sit, Ubu, Sit. Go on.

Shawn and Gus take a seat. Allison straps them in their seats.

Shawn and Gus: Ow, ow!

The police surround the house.

McNabb: No way in. This place is like Fort Knox.
Juliet: Carlton! This was in the mailbox.

Lassiter reads the letter.

Lassiter: Son of a bitch!
Henry: Call for the ram.

Back in the house…

Allison: That’ll just about do it. I’d like to thank Mr. Yin for letting me open up for him tonight. It’s been a blast. I’ve got t-shirts and iron-ons for sale in the lobby.
Shawn: Do you remember the precise moment that you know you were a complete psychopath?
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: No, I’m interested. Was it gradual, or did you just wake up one morning, look in the mirror, and see the chimp from Monkey Shines?
Yin: Ms. Cowley, you’re excused.
Allison: What? No way am I missing this. I did everything that you asked me to. I was perfect. I deserve this.
Yin: I won’t ask again.

Allison steps out, and Yin turns around to reveal himself.

Yin: Well? First impressions?
Shawn: Hideous.
Gus: Arcane.
Yin: I must apologize for the lack of decorum on the part of my new colleague. Kids, you know, these days. However, there is no substitute for enthusiasm, and hers is off the charts.

Yin pulls out a small bottle.

Yin: Even I shudder to think what she’ll be capable of once I pass off the proverbial baton. If only your good friend Yang had been as passionate. Oh, well, no use crying over spilled soda.

Yin readies his syringe.

Gus: Uh, what is going inside the syringe?
Yin: You should know that two famous 15th century knights of the Italian renaissance I believe they were from the Este family of Ferrara, met their deaths in those two very chairs.
Shawn: Really?
Yin: No, I found them at a flea market in Oxnard, but don’t worry, Shawn, tonight we’ll be making our own new style of history.
Gus: Are you ignoring my question on purpose?
Shawn: Gus, do you really want to know?
Gus: Yes, Shawn, I’m very particular about what goes into my body.
Shawn: It’s probably safe to assume that it’s something lethal. Is that accurate?
Yin: A box of Mars bars to you, Shawn.

Outside, Henry Spencer has become very anxious.

Henry: How much longer are we gonna wait?
Lassiter: It’s not my call, what the hell do you want me to do?
Henry: This is wrong.

Chief Vick arrives with Yang.

Vick: O’Hara, every fiber of my being tells me this is a bad idea.
Juliet: It’s the only thing we have that Yin hasn’t planned for, Chief.
Yang: There’s a hidden storm cellar. I can get you into the house on two conditions.
Vick: You’re in no position to negotiate terms.
Juliet: What are they?
Yang: One, I go in with you alone, you need me to navigate. Anything more and he’s gonna know what we’re up to, if he doesn’t know already.
Juliet: What’s number two?
Yang: I get another picture with Shawn, the other one is just too old.
Lasiter: O’Hara, listen to me, you don’t have to do this.
Juliet: Yes, I do. Stay here, Carlton.
Yang: Girl time!

Yang and O’Hara sneak into the basement.

Yang: Okay, this is as far as I go unless the shackles come off.
Juliet: Not happening. That was not part of the deal.
Yang: Deals are meant to be broken, aren’t they, Juliet? Shawn has such kind eyes, don’t you think?
Juliet: What are you up to?
Yang: You don’t trust me.
Juliet: Of course, not.
Yang: Well, you should. I’m the only chance your boyfriend has of getting out of here alive.

Yang pushes a toolbox, and Juliet is caught by surprise. Yang turns off the light.

Yang: Follow me!

At Yin’s office…

Yin: Now to answer your question, Burton, what we have here is a little concoction I affectionately coined “The Last Kiss”. One part cyanide, one part strychnine, two parts atropine, with just a shake not stirred of boat cleaner, and it’s all for you.

Yin points at Gus.

Shawn: That’s not gonna work. I can’t watch him die, you’ll have to kill me first.
Gus: You must be out of your damn mind, if you think I’m gonna sit here and die after watching you die with some ridiculous grin on your face because you’re thinking of sopapillas, or that stupid scene from Summer School where the students all pretend to be dead, and you have just the one needle? Do you plan on sterilizing in between uses?
Shawn: Surely, you can’t be serious.
Gus: I don’t know where all you’ve been, Shawn.

Detective O’Hara barges in the living room, and radios Chief Vick.

Juliet: Okay, Chief, everything is fine we are inside the house.
Chief: Copy that, and Juliet, be careful.

A rock music plays on an old turntable. Juliet walks over it then she sees Allison holding a shotgun.

Juliet: Allison?
Allison: Detective O’Hara.

Allison cries, and walks over to Detective O’Hara who then radios Chief Vick.

Juliet: Uh, chief, I have Allison. She’s okay. I’m gonna bring her out. Allison, are you hurt?
Allison: No.
Juliet: Here, give me the gun, give me the gun. Do you know where the others are? Can you take me to them?
Allison: I don’t know where Shawn and Gus are. He drugged me with something, I just woke up, I don’t know.
Juliet: Okay, okay, everything’s gonna be fine. Everything’s gonna be fine, I’m gonna take you out right now.

Detective O’Hara leads Allison down the basement.

Allison: Don’t stop, please. You gotta get me outta here.
Juliet: You said you just woke up, Allison.
Allison: Yeah, he drugged me or something.
Juliet: So how did you know that Shawn and Gus were in this house?
Allison: I don’t know what you’re talking…
Juliet: How did you know?
Allison: Not bad for a blonde.

Allison pulls the radio from Detective O’Hara, and slaps her. The two struggle. Outside…

Lassiter: What’s going on?
Chief: We lost contact.
Lassiter: What?
Chief: O’Hara! All right. Break down the walls, do whatever it takes.

Inside, Detective O’Hara and Allison continue to struggle. Upstairs, Shawn and Gus continue with their banter.

Shawn: Since when am I an unclean person?
Gus: You rode halfway around the world on a motorcycle with a bumper sticker that said “pucker up and blow”.
Shawn: It was a little cartoon tuba.
Gus: With human lips!
Yin: That’s enough! You two are insufferable.

In the basement, Allison gets a hold of the shotgun, but Detective O’Hara tackles her, and grabs the shotgun from her.

Juliet: Don’t you even breathe.

In Yin’s office…

Yin: Only Burton gets the needle, I have something far more colorful in mind for you, Shawn.
Shawn: Firing squad?
Yin: Please say firing squad.
Gus: I don’t blame you, Shawn. I want you to know that if I had a chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. You’re my best friend, and we got a chance to live out our childhood dreams. I don’t blame you, okay? And I’m sorry if I couldn’t always cut loose the way you wanted me to.
Shawn: You kill him, I kill you, you got it?
Yin: That race done did run, baby.

Yin walks over to Gus.

Shawn: No, shouldn’t you be launching into some kind of soliloquy huh? About why you do the things that you do, and why you picked me, and all that stuff? I mean, I think I deserve an explanation here.
Yin: You’re stalking. It’s beneath you.
Gus: No, he isn’t, we just appreciate a little closure before we say goodbye to Grover’s corners one last time.
Shawn: That’s right. Whoa, whoa, whoa! What is that, a Sesame Street reference?
Gus: No, Shawn. You want to tell us, you can’t help it. It’s called serial killer’s prerogative. You can’t resist. It’s protocol.
Yin: Very good, Don Cheadle, Jr. Yes, I suppose I didn’t lure the two of you all the way over here just to flash you my folksy smile.
Shawn: I bet you are so textbook. Overbearing mommy lock you in a closet, huh? Dissect small animals when you were a little kid? Memorize episodes of Perfect Strangers line for line?
Yin: None of the above, Freudzoid. I could’ve gone either direction, but I chose to indulge the crazies. I like to defy stereotypes at every turn. I never jumped on the frozen yogurt train either.
Shawn: Why did you pick me in the first place?
Yin: Because you were pretty good. You were interesting. You had a black sidekick, and that felt fun.
Shawn: No, it was more than that. You’ve been obsessed with me since I was a kid.
Yin: No, Yang. Yang was obsessed with you, Shawn. Yang. I didn’t even know who the hell you were until you started doing this shtick. Yang took notice of the pre-pubescent you, and developed an unhealthy crush, feelings are the enemy of efficiency, Shawn. She betrayed me to save your mother, and that threw a serious wrench into the cops of my career plans. She broke my trust, and she broke my heart, and for that, I blame you, and now it’s time to die. Satisfied?
Shawn: Ab…
Yang: Hi, Daddy.
Yin: Well, well, well, well.
Yang: Did you read it, Daddy? Did you read my book?
Yin: No, I did not read your book, I was angry with you.
Yang: You guys really dropped the ball, huh?
Shawn: We got played by the new you.
Yang: You replaced me? Daddy, I’m your own flesh and blood. I just wanted you to be proud of me.
Yin: You betrayed me. You chose him.
Yang: No, no, no, I just wanted us to be like a real family like the Spencers.
Yin: A real family? You’re obsessed with a fairy tale, my dear, I taught you better.
Yang: No, you’re right. You’re right, Daddy. I’m sorry. I was sadly mistaken.
Shawn: No. No, Yang. No, no, don’t listen to him. He doesn’t control you. Not anymore.
Yang: Daddy, I just wanna come home. Can I come home now, Daddy?
Yin: Yes, my darling girl, you can come home. You can come home, come to Daddy.

Yin opens his arm to receive his daughter, and walks closer to his daughter. Shawn and Gus struggle to free themselves from their bindings.

Yin: Come to Daddy. Come give Daddy a big hug. Yes, Daddy loves you. Here, sit on Daddy’s lap.

Yin hugs his daughter. Yang picks up the syringe, and stabs her father with it.

Yin: Ah! I never loved you.
Yang: I know.

The police arrive.

Lassiter: Don’t move a muscle!

Yang holds her hands up.

Lassiter: You guys all right?
Shawn and Gus: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shawn: Allision’s crazy though. She’s in on this.
Juliet: Yeah, I learned that the hard way.
Shawn: I was dead wrong. I’m so sorry. Oh my God, are you all right?
Juliet: Yeah, you should see her.

The coroner takes the body of Yin, while the police put Allison in the patrol car. Allison looks at Shawn and Gus as the car pulls away.

Gus: She’s gonna haunt me in my dreams, Shawn, and not in a good way. Well…
Shawn: Well, what?

The police lead Yang to their car.

Shawn: Yang. You never actually killed anyone, did you?
Yang: I could’ve stopped him. I was weak.
Shawn: He raised you. You never had a chance.
Lassiter: Come one.
Juliet: Carlton, wait. A deal’s a deal.
Shawn: Deal? What deal?

Yang walks over to Shawn, and poses beside him, while a police officer takes their picture.

Yang: One more, one more, fast.
Lassiter: Let’s go.
Yang: Goodbye, Shawn. Goodbye, Gus, and goodbye Juliet. Don’t be strangers, we have badminton every Wednesday.
Shawn: Well, I haven’t played badminton…
Gus: No, Shawn.
Juliet: I’ll catch up with you later, Mr. Spencer.

Maddy Spencer arrives.

Maddy: Goose!

Maddy hugs her son.

Shawn: We’re okay.

At the Santa Barbara Police station…

Lassiter: McNabb…you still here?
McNabb: There was no way I was leaving here till this thing was over. This has been a traumatic day. Year, actually. Just thinking about all of the…
Lassiter: Justice.
McNabb: I was gonna say near-death experiences. You don’t feel anything?
Lassiter: Closure. Indifference. Hunger.
McNabb: Wow, you’re like a robot.
Lassiter: Thank you. I got the same comment on my eHarmony page so it must be true. One thing you learn about me right off the bat, takes a lot more like a day like today to ruffle this bird’s feathers. Go home to hour wife, McNabb, we start at 9:00 AM.
McNabb: It’s seven right now.
Lassiter: Fine. Come in an hour late.

Detective Carlton Lassiter walks away, and when he’s alone, he shudders. He shakes off his shudder, and continues walking. Juliet is in the interrogation room trying to write her report when Shawn arrives.

Shawn: Hey, there you are. I finished writing my statement 20 minutes ago, Gus is in the car, engine on, wheels pointed towards pancakes. Please, tell me you’re in.
Juliet: I can’t write this. I thought if I just had a moment to myself I could, but it’s just living it all over again, and…I can’t.
Shawn: All right.

Shawn closes the door.

Shawn: this is what you write. “We did it”. Maybe you add an exclamation point if that doesn’t feel excessive.
Juliet: I could quite possibly be elated very soon, but part o me just feels like we are just marking time till the next crazy rolls in.
Shawn: Oh, yeah, of course we are. But the next crazy’s gonna be small potatoes compared to Yin. Plus…you have me now. I know I may not appear that physically imposing at first blush, but it turns out I have the tenacity of a Swiss Fox, and the instincts of a dragonfly.
Juliet: You realize one of those is a rabbit, and the other is an insect?
Shawn: That’s why I chose them.

Shawn holds Juliet’s hand.

Shawn: But I’m trying to tell you that I would protect you.
Juliet: And I will protect you right back.
Shawn: I think you’re swell.

Shawn kisses Juliet’s hand.

Shawn: I’ll see you tonight.

Shawn and Juliet kiss.

Shawn: I’ll bring you some pancakes. I don’t know if they’re gonna travel. They might. I’ll get all the stuff on the side.

On the other side of the interrogation room, Detective Carlton Lassiter is shocked at what he had just witnessed.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Yang 3 in 2D” episode was written by Andy Berman & James Roday. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.

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