Shawn and Gus are at the Psych office in front of their computers.
Shawn: Dude, do you know they make silent window shades? Some woman in Washington invented them back in the early ‘90s.
Gus: Since when is the sound of opening and closing shades so disruptive that it has to be alleviated?
Shawn: Why do you have to hate other people’s triumphs of innovation?
Shawn: It’s not weird. It’s selfish, and more than a little petty.
Gus: No, not that. Come take a look at this.
Shawn: Man, this better not be another auction for one of stoney Jackson’s neckerchiefs.
Gus: It’s not Shawn. This came in on the Psych account. The sender is email@example.com. I’m pretty sure it’s not spam.
Shawn: Well, what’s the attachment?
Gus opens the attachement, and a copy of The Great Northern newspaper pops up.
Shawn: Cinnamon festival.
Gus: The Great Northern? I’m not familiar with that publication.
Shawn: What? You know every small town newspaper in California?
Gus: Actually, I do, Shawn.
Gus: The Daily Independent.
Gus: That doesn’t exist.
Shawn: Yes. I just need fifty-thousand signatures, and a large plot of land. Well, look up this town, Dual Spires. How could there be a Cinnamon Festival that we’ve never heard of?
Gus looks up Dual Spires on a map.
Shawn: Zoom in.
Gus zooms in.
Shawn: Zoom in again. Keep zooming.
Gus: I am, Shawn. Dude, this town is so small that it’s in parenthesis. How the heck did we get this email?
Shawn: It’s a delicious mystery. Think about it. A tiny little town we’ve never even heard of? What’s your schedule look like?
Gus: I’m open ‘til my route tomorrow.
Shawn: Let’s see here.
Gus: You think they’ll have monkey bread?
Shawn: Yes, I do.
Shawn: I’m good ‘til next Wrestlemania.
Shawn and Gus head to the small town of Dual Spires with a population of only 288.
Shawn: Half a mile from the nearest road?
Gus: No wonder it’s in parenthesis. This is one secluded town.
Shawn: Let’s get some cinnamon.
Shawn and Gus walk down to the town center.
Shawn: Wow, everyone look so happy, and yet, so perplexed.
Gus: Something’s off about this place, Shawn. People been looking like I’m the first black man they’ve seen.
Shawn: Come on, Gus. Don’t be absurd.
A girl on her bike approaches Gus.
Girl: Hey Mister, are you Frederick Douglass?
Gus: Shawn, we need to get out of here.
Shawn: Nah, let’s get something to eat.
Shawn and Gus enter a diner.
Bob: Hey, top of the morning to you, boys. Robert Barker. You can call me Bob. Just passing through?
Shawn: We’re here for the festival. We take our cinnamon very seriously.
Bob: Well then, you’re in luck. So do we. 90 years running.
Gus: Why do you call your diner The Sawmill?
Bob: Because that’s what it used to be. Most of it burned down back in ’58. Granddad turned it into this place, and now it’s just a bit of a local landmark.
Shawn: We just need a little something to hold us over until showtime. So, uh, what’s good?
Bob: How about, a cup of the best pipin’ hot apple cider this side of the Mississippi? And a slice of cinnamon pie that may just bring tears?
Shawn and Gus hold up a number two with their fingers. Robert turns to the waitress.
Bob: Two slices of cinnamon pie, Hon.
The waitress just smiles at him.
Bob: That’s the wife. Isn’t she a peach? Ah, I’ll get that cider. Haha!
Robert walks away.
Shawn: Bob’s a real chatty Cathy.
Gus: You think?
Shawn: You should check your email. See if our secret pal sent us any cinnamon comps.
Gus pulls out his phone. The sheriff walks over to Shawn and Gus.
Sheriff: I’m afraid you won’t have much luck with those here. Sheriff Andrew Jackson. You know, we had the opportunity to put up some of those fancy towers, but folks decided a basic landline was fine with them. I, I couldn’t help but overhear that you’re in town for the festival. It’s rare to get visitors.
Shawn: Oh, we heard all about it on UnderTheNail.com.
Sheriff: We don’t have Internet in Dual Spires. It’s simpler that way.
Shawn: Dude, we’re doing Witness.
Gus: They were amish.
Shawn: Not Danny Glover, he was black.
Gus: What are you talking about?
Sheriff: Well, we are happy you are here, nevertheless. It should be a heck of a celebration.
The waitress arrives with the pies.
Waitress: Two slices of cinnamon pie.
Shawn: Oh, thank you.
The waitress gives a look of disapproval to the sheriff.
Sheriff: We’ll see you at the festival.
Gus and Shawn: Sheriff.
The sheriff walks away.
Shawn and Gus dig in their pies. Gus takes the first bite.
Shawn: What’s the verdict?
Gus is speechless.
Shawn takes a bite from his pie.
Shawn: Oh, Mother of God.
The Cinnamon Festival festivities have commenced. Shawn and Gus take a walk.
Gus: Dude, that owl is made entirely of cinnamon.
Shawn: Which means that it is both wise and delicious.
Sheriff: Let’s have a nice, warm round of applause for Mayor Douglas Fir.
Gus walks over to the buffet of pastries, and takes a whiff off of the bread.
Sheriff: And this year’s festival mascot, Leo The Cinnamon Owl.
Gus takes the loaf of bread.
Shawn: You found the monkey bread.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Sheriff: And now, the moment I know you’ve all been waiting for, it’s time to announce this year’s cinnamon king. Whooooo will it be?
All: Whooooo, whooooo, whoooo?
Sheriff: Oh, who are we kidding? Put your hands together for the future leader of Dual Spires; a young man that needs no introduction, come up and claim your crown, Randy.
Randy stands up, and everyone applauds.
Shawn: What’s twenty-four times twelve?
Gus: Two eighty-eight. Why?
Shawn: There’s a chair here for every person in town; three are empty. Sheriff’s talking, so that’s one, check it out.
Shawn points at the empty chair beside Robert Barker’s wife.
Shawn: There’s one next to the Barkers.
Shawn and Gus make their way to the Barkers.
Bob: Hey! You found the monkey bread.
Mrs. Barker is wiping tears from her eyes.
Gus: Mrs. Barker, is everything okay?
Mrs. Barker: No. Everything is not okay.
Mr. Barker: Shelley.
Mrs. Barker: What? I can’t just sit here, and pretend to be excited about churros, and Leo the cinnamon owl.
Shawn: I sense someone is missing.
Bob: Yeah. Our niece, Paula. She’s been gone about a day and a half. Everyone keeps telling us not to panic. She’s a teenager.
Mrs. Barker: Wait, what did you mean, you sensed it?
Shawn: Mr. and Mrs. Barker, I have a confession to make. I’m not just a cinnamon enthusiast. I’m also a psychic detective, and this is my partner, Lodge Blackmunn.
Mrs. Barker: Can you find Paula?
Shawn: Perhaps. Oh, I got a little something under the nail. Right here under the nail.
Shawn whispers to Gus.
Shawn: It’s not her.
Gus: We are available for hire.
Bob: We don’t have much money. None of us do, here. We believe it complicates things.
Shawn: Well, we have been known to work for cider or pie in the past.
Mrs. Barker: Oh, of course, as much as you like.
Gus: We will find your neice.
Barkers: Thank you.
Shawn: Who’s supposed to be sitting over there?
Mrs. Barker: Oh, that’s Paula’s best friend, Jack. I’m not sure where he is.
Jack arrives on his bike.
Shawn: Would this be…
Jack: Something happened at the lake! Something happened at the lake!
Mrs. Barker: It’s Paula. I know it is.
The doctor opens the plastic covering over a young woman’s corpse.
Sheriff: Jack just discovered her about an hour ago, Doc.
Doctor: So young. My God, Andrew.
The Barkers arrive at the crime scene, but the deputy stops them from getting close to the corpse.
Sheriff: Jack, is this how you found her?
Jack: No, Sir. She was half naked. It wasn’t right. I didn’t want people to see her like that. I’m sorry.
Sheriff: Oh, now I’ve got to let the Barkers through.
Mrs. Barker: No! No!
Bob: Paula! Paula!
Bob Barker cries over the dead body, while Paula howls and Jack tries to fight back his tears. Gus begins to cry.
Shawn: Come on, Dude.
Gus: You know I’m a sympathetic crier, Shawn. Just leave me be.
Shawn: Dude, I have a bar, and an email.
The email reads: “Who killed Paula Merral?”
Shawn: Gus, we weren’t called here for a Cinnamon Festival.
Sheriff Jackson talks to the Barkers
Sheriff: I’m guessing the time of death was sometime night before last. Doc Gooden will do a full autopsy. You know she won’t miss a thing, Bob. But I suspect what we will find is that Paula went swimming after curfew, like she always did, and got pulled under by the current, hit her head. I’m gonna rule it an accident for now.
Bob: She must have snuck out.
Sheriff: Bob, we both know she’s been sneaking out just about every night since she got here. Listen, why don’t you take Michelle on home. She’s gonna need you to be strong now. I’ll get Deputy Frost to take you back in the rickshaw. I’m so, so sorry, Bob.
Bob: Looks like we won’t be needing your services after all, Boys.
Shawn: Mr. Barker, I’m sensing there is more to Paula’s death than meets the eye.
Bob: What are you saying? That she…oh my God.
Shawn: We’d like to stick around. See what we see. Feel what we feel.
Bob: Okay. If someone hurt Paula, we sure as hell want to know about it.
Shawn: I’m also sensing that Paula didn’t grow up here in Dual Spires. May I ask where she was before?
Bob: Paula lived in Santa Barbara ‘til she was eleven.
Shawn: You have our condolences, and we will be in touch. I think your ride is here.
Deputy Frost arrives in a pedicab. He gets off the bike, and feels the ground.
Deputy: The earth is soft and moist.
The Barkers board the pedicab, and leave.
Shawn: That is so bizarre. It’s like I only have reception in this spot.
Shawn gets another email, and shows it to Gus. The email reads: “F796.352”.
At the Santa Barbara Police Department…
Henry: In all my years of police work, I’ve never seen anything like it.
Jules: I know. Our new station manager is an Angel sent from heaven.
Henry Spencer, and Detective O’Hara stand over the row of doughnuts on a table when Detective O’Hara’s cell phone rings.
Shawn: Yes, Detective O’Hara, Shawn Spencer calling.
Jules: Did you just use both of our last names? Don’t be weird.
Shawn: Okay, Miss O’Hara. Detective.
Shawn: Look, I’m really struggling with the whole work formal thing. What are you wearing?
Jules: Okay, you just took it from one awkward extreme to another.
Shawn: I need you to run a name for a girl who used to live in Santa Barbara. Paula Merral. Two R’s.
Jules: Sure, is everything okay?
Shawn: Yeah, absolutely. I’m gonna have to call you back, though, ‘cause there’s not really reception up here.
Jules: Up where?
Shawn takes a step, and the call ends.
Shawn: Hello? Jules?
Shawn: Wow, it really is just the one spot.
Gus: Your conversations with Juliet are too uncomfortable to listen to now. I’m calling next time.
Shawn: Fine. Look if we’re going to accomplish anything in this town, we are gonna need wheels.
Shawn and Gus rent a tandem bike.
Gus: Shawn, we have reached a new low point in our life.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? It’s like Driving Miss Daisy. Except you get to be Miss Daisy.
Gus: I don’t want to be in the movie, Shawn.
Shawn and Gus arrive at Doctor Donna Gooden’s office where her various specializations are listed – General Practice, Psychiatry, Pediatrics, Optometry, Gastrology, Podiatry, Dermatology, Orthodontics, Forensics, Veterinary Medicine, Esquire.
Gus: Looks like the doctor stays pretty busy.
Shawn: Guess you’re out of luck if you need a massage.
Doctor: Good job saving the receipts, Patrick. May I help you, Gentlemen?
Shawn: Hello, Doc Gooden. My partner plus too much cinnamon monkey bread equals tummy shame. Can you help us?
Doctor: I’ll see him after my next patient.
Doctor Gooden points at the Myna bird in the cage.
Shawn: Doc, this could get ugly fast.
Doctor: All right.
The Doctor leads Gus to the examination room, and Shawn follows them.
Doctor: Sheriff Jackson mentioned we had a couple of visitors in town today. You are aware the cinnamon festival has been cancelled.
Shawn: Oh yes, we heard there was some sort of tragedy; must be so difficult in a small, happy town like Dual Spires.
Doctor Gooden hands Gus a gown.
Doctor: Put this on and then lay face down on my table.
Doctor Gooden inspects Gus’ mouth.
Gus: Uh, you know ah…ah. Actually, I think…
Doctor: Snap to it.
While the doctor’s back is turned, Gus angrily whispers to Shawn. The two argue in low voices. Gus reluctantly changes into the gown.
Shawn: So, how well did you know the girl? I’m sorry, I don’t know why I do that. I…I can just sense that you have a heavy heart.
Doctor: I’m a woman of science, and law, and accounting, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel. Paula was a troubled young girl. I wish I could have done more to help her.
Shawn: You were her psychiatrist?
Doctor: You ask a lot of questions.
Shawn: It’s just that I recently lost someone myself. He was murdered too, so I know how difficult…
Doctor: Paula wasn’t murdered. Who told you that?
Shawn: Oh, no one. I just assumed, because…
Shawn points at the evidence tray on the doctor’s table.
Doctor: I haven’t done an autopsy yet.
Shawn notices an earring in the evidence tray, and remembers it as the same earring that Randy was wearing.
Doctor: There are no obvious signs of foul play.
Doctor Gooden puts the evidence tray inside the drawer.
Shawn: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…
Doctor: No, it’s not you. Like I said, she was a troubled young girl. She had a dangerous side. Nothing scared her. Not even dying.
Shawn: You think she may have taken her own?
Doctor: No, I can’t bear that thought. I’ve said too much to a stranger. I should be ashamed.
Shawn: For caring? No, you shouldn’t.
Gus: Oh, whew!
Gus comes out of the dressing area still wearing his clothes.
Gus: You know, I actually feel better. The Myna bird can come in now.
Gus and Shawn exit the doctor’s office.
Gus: What’s up next?
Shawn: We need to find our cinnamon king. That kid has a secret.
Shawn watch as a woman seemingly talking to herself.
Woman: What did grandma tell you about wandering off in the store?
A small boy comes into view.
Woman: Oh, come on.
Gus: I was getting ready to say…
Shawn: That would have been too much.
Randy arrives on his bicycle.
Shawn: Dude, that’s him. Dude, that’s our guy.
Shawn and Gus rush to their tandem bike, and go after Randy.
Shawn knocks on Randy’s house, and is greeted by Sheriff Andrew Jackson.
Shawn: Oh, Sheriff, didn’t expect to see you here.
Sheriff: I live here. What do you mean?
Shawn: Of course you do. You’re Randy’s father. Yes, wow. You guys have Bob Barker, Doc Gooden, and Randy Jackson all living in the same inlet town with no cars, cell phones, or Internet.
Gus: Shawn, we need to pitch this to Mark Burnett.
Sheriff: You fellas realize the festival is cancelled. As you know, we lost someone very dear to us today. That’s actually why we dropped by, Sheriff.
Shawn: You see, Gus and I are grief counselors back in the big city, and you all have been so kind and welcoming to us that we figured the least we could do would be to offer our services before we left town.
Sheriff: Well, come on in, Fellas.
Shawn and Gus enter Sheriff Andrew Jackson’s house.
Sheriff: I’ll confess, Randy and I haven’t been communicating too well as of late. I know he’s hurting, but he won’t talk to me.
Shawn Spencer notices three medications on the table.
Shawn: You know, it wasn’t too long ago that Gus and I were Randy’s age.
Gus: It was a pretty long time ago.
Shawn: Ah, it wasn’t that long ago.
Gus: You like to think so.
Shawn: I can’t do this with you right now.
Sheriff: He’s upstairs in his room.
Shawn: We’ll give it a shot.
Shawn and Gus talks to Randy Jackson.
Randy: So my dad hired you to shake me down, right? I’m fine. I barely knew Paula.
Randy Jackson throws a dart.
Shawn: Then why did the two of you share secret, special lover earrings? Come on, Randy. How long had you been seeing her? Who are you?
Shawn: A couple of guys with a passion for the truth.
Gus: And cinnamon.
Randy: We’d been together six months.
Gus: Why was it a secret?
Randy: It’s complicated.
Shawn: I get it. It’s Pretty In Pink. You’re Andrew McCarthy.
Randy: Who’s Andrew McCarthy?
Shawn: That’s fair. Where were you the night Paula died?
Randy: I was at the library studying. The librarian can confirm it.
Gus: Do you always study so late on a Friday?
Randy: I’m at the library almost every night. I’ve been taking correspondence courses. I need a business degree to be a good leader.
Gus: That’s true.
Randy: I never could have hurt her. I loved Paula. We were gonna see the world together. I’m gonna be so lost without her. Oh, Paula. Paula.
Randy Jackson starts crying.
Randy lays on the couch, and stares at the earring in his hand.
Shawn: That’s a little dramatic, don’t you think?
Gus begins to cry. Shawn turns to him.
Shawn: You have a problem.
Shawn and Gus ride their tandem bike to the library.
Shawn: Excuse us.
Librarian: Shh! Keep your voice down, please.
Gus: It’s just us, and you.
Librarian: Just a bunch of words on paper to you guys, right? Wrong. Each is alive with a story to tell. Listen.
Shawn tries to listen.
Librarian: I’m just messing with you guys. Thanks for playing along. That’s really sweet. I’m Maudette Hornsby. Isn’t cherry the best?
Maudette Hornsby slurps her soda.
Gus: The best what?
Maudette: Everything, silly. I thought you are psychic.
Shawn: I am. I’m the psychic. But how did you know that?
Maudette: Mmm, word travels. You know, we don’t get a lot of gossip around here. So, untimely death, a psychic, and a black man, all in one day. Epic.
Shawn: I really thought we were being discreet.
Gus: Do you even know what discreet is? That’s a serious questions.
Shawn: I know what…
Gus: Was Randy Jackson with you the night Paula died?
Maudette: Why? Do you think she was m-u-r-d-e-r-e-d or something?
Maudette: Yes, Randy was here. We have a very special bond, you see. His mom passed away when he was very young. Sheriff Jackson never remarried. So I sort of stepped in and filled a role for both of them.
Shawn Spencer noticed the Dewey decimal code on the spine of a book.
Maudette: Is there anything else you need to know?
Shawn: Uh, feels pretty good for now.
Gus: Do you mind if we poke around?
Shawn: Oh, peek. Peek around.
Maudette: Knock yourselves out.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster search the bookshelves.
Shawn: Okay, remember the last email, the one with the weird hieroglyphics?
Gus: They were letters and numbers, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay, it was one of these things.
Shawn points at the spine of a book.
Gus: The Dewey decimal system? I didn’t even notice they still use this.
Shawn: That’s ‘cause people don’t want to crack war codes when the payoff is Jane Eyre.
Gus: What was the number, Shawn?
Gus: Seven hundreds? That’s sports and recreation.
Gus leads Shawn to the Sports and Recreation aisle.
Gus: These books are archaic.
Shawn: And really old.
Gus: Except this one.
Gus pulls out the book.
Gus: “Putt Your Way To A Better Life”.
Shawn: By Earl Wyndham.
Gus: My short game could use some work.
Shawn: There’s no pictures?
Gus: This is the weirdest golf book I’ve ever seen.
Shawn: Let me see that.
Shawn takes the book, and takes the jacket off. The book is actually “Reincarnation and Rebirth” by Ann Power Ph.d.
Shawn: Reincarnation and Rebirth. Our email wants us to think that Paula was reincarnated? We should get back to the lake. Juliet should have something by now.
Shawn Spencer returns the book in its place. Maudette Hornsby is on the other side of the shelf.
Maudette: You’re gonna need a library card if you want to check something out.
Shawn: I think we’re good, Maudette.
Gus and Shawn are by the lake. Gus calls Juliet.
Gus: Juliet, it’s Gus.
Jules: Gus, what’s going on? Is Shawn okay?
Gus: Oh, he’s fine.
Shawn: Tell her I said hi. Ask her what she’s wearing.
Gus: Do you have anything on Paula Merral?
Jules: Do I? Look, I don’t know what you guys have gotten yourselves into up there, but Paula Merral drowned here seven years ago.
Shawn: What? Did she say hi back?
Shawn and Gus are at The Sawmill where an old man stares at them.
Shawn: Is he looking at us?
Gus: I think he is.
Shawn: Dude, take it easy. That’s your seventh piece.
Gus: You know I get hungry when I get freaked out. Besides, you’ve had five.
Shawn: Exactly, I believe in portion control.
Gus: A girl drowns, gets reincarnated, and drowns again seven years later, worst cinnamon festival ever. We definitely stick out around here.
Shawn: True, but not as bad as them.
Shawn Spencer points at detectives Lassiter and O’Hara. Detective Lassiter looks at the old man.
Lassiter: What are you staring at, Jessup?
Detective Lassiter and O’Hara walk over to Shawn and Gus’ table.
Shawn: Wow, did you guys just hoof it from the highway?
Lassiter: What? No, hell no. We took the seven mile dirt road that connects this crap hole to the next town over.
Jules: We came up here because the chief wanted us to get a positive I.D. on Paula Merral’s body.
Gus: To see if it matched the one found in Santa Barbara?
Lassiter: No, see that’s the thing. We never recovered her body, which didn’t sit well with me. The inlet where she supposedly drowned has no current, which means her body should have floated up between 2.3 to 3.1 days. Oh, I know this because for corpses to resurface is a passion of my life.
Jules: The sweater she was wearing was found on the shoreline, and her bike was discovered at the end of a nearby dock.
Lassiter: It was lying next to a pile of sunflower seeds, which was also weird. What 11-year old girl chews sunflower seeds?
Shawn Spencer remembers Bob Barker chewing sunflower seeds.
Shawn: Excuse me, Flo. Where might we find the proprietors of this fine establishment?
Flo: Robert and Michelle? They’ve been home ever since they got the news about Paula.
Shawn and Gus bring detectives Lassiter and O’Hara to the home of the Barkers.
Jules: Do you have something you want to tell us, Mr. Barker?
Bob: 12 years ago, Michelle’s sister Lucy, ran away from Dual Spires, taking the seven year old Paula with her. We were worried sick about Paula. See, Lucy was an incredibly unstable person. Michelle and I practically raised her daughter for her. Then one day, we got a letter from Paula confirming our worst fears. It described how magic white rocks were making her mom crazy.
Bob: Along with other stuff. A couple of letters after that was the first mention of the abuse, and that’s when we knew we had to act.
Shawn: You helped her fake her death?
Bob: We had no other choice. Lucy wouldn’t let her go, and Paula was all for it. In fact, it was her idea.
Lassiter: It doesn’t matter. What you did was against the law. If I had jurisdiction here, you’d be under arrest for obstruction of justice.
Bob: She was happy here, and safe.
Gus: Until two days ago.
Lassiter: I’m heading back to Santa Barbara to reopen this case, Mr. Barker. Once I do, a warrant will be issued for your arrest. Come on, O’Hara.
Detective O’Hara whispers to Shawn Spencer.
Jules: Call when you can.
Detectives Lassiter and O’Hara leave.
Bob: You two understand, right?
Shawn: We’re not here to judge you, Mr. Barker. We came to investigate, catch bad guys, and eat pie.
Gus: Not necessarily in that order.
Shawn: And it hasn’t been.
Shawn: We started with the pie.
Shawn: Do you think we could take a look in Paula’s room?
Bob: By all means, we haven’t touched a thing. It’s at the top of the stairs on the right.
Shawn and Gus enter Paula’s room.
Gus: Dude, the doctor-ombudsman wasn’t kidding, the sister definitely had a dark side.
Gus points at the teddy bear with a noose tied around its neck.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Looking for places she may have hid stuff. Every teenager has a secret stop, Gus. Remember when I found those weird photos of John Cusack in your nightstand?
Gus: That was Joan.
Shawn: Really? Oh, that’s much less weird. Wait. No, it’s not. No really. Incoming.
Shawn throws something at Gus. It hits the bear, and the stuffed toy falls on the floor. Gus picks the bear up, and feels that there’s something inside it.
Gus hands the bear to Shawn. Shawn pulls out a diary from inside the bear.
Shawn: Diary. Jackpot.
Gus: What does it say?
Shawn: I was really hurt today. Blah, blah, blah.
Shawn flips the pages.
Shawn: Whoa! What is this language? Is this Chinese?
Gus: No, it’s Latin.
Shawn: Latin? Gus, Paula must have known that someone was reading her diary.
Gus: We gotta find out what that says.
Shawn: Yeah, who do we know speaks Latin?
Shawn and Gus return to the lake, and makes a phone call to St. Attalus College in Santa Barbara.
Shawn: “Abses…haeras.” Hairy ass? And “non erit.” Did you get all that?
Father: Haven’t heard of faxing, Shawn?
Shawn: I’m sorry, Father, we don’t have that capability right now. Besides, I thought all priests think all technology was evil.
Father: It’s only now that it dawned on me how little you learned in my CCD class.
Shawn: Father, it is very important for us to know what these passages mean.
Father: All right, all right. Well, this first part talks about a young boy that she was seeing, someone who’s popular.
Father: That makes sense as she refers to her as “R”. Ah, she may have also been seeing someone else.
Shawn: Is there a name?
Father: No, just the letter “J”.
Shawn: A letter “J”. Thanks, Father, Gus will see you at church on Sunday.
Father: What about you?
Shawn: What? What, you’re breaking up. Can’t hear anything.
Father: What? Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, there’s more.
Shawn: It really is one square foot of coverage.
Detective O’Hara approaches Shawn and Gus.
Shawn: Jules, what are you doing here?
Jules: Well, Lassiter is handling the reopening of the case back at the department so I thought I would come back, and lend a hand.
Shawn: Fantastic. We have to hit the library, follow up on a vision I just had.
Jules: All right, well, you two go ahead. I’m gonna notify Sheriff Jackson that I’d be looking into the case.
Shawn: What do you say we all meet up at the diner at, uh…4:30?
Detective O’Hara nods.
Shawn points, and Gus looks at where Shawn was pointing.
Shawn gives Jules a quick kiss, while Gus is not looking. Jules hurriedly leaves.
Shawn: We should go.
Gus: I didn’t see any Labradoodle, Shawn.
Shawn: You weren’t looking very hard.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster return to the library.
Shawn: Nice shoes.
Maudette: I know.
Shawn: Gus was wondering if you would like to be his date to Betty Boop night at he road house.
Gus: They don’t have a Betty Boop night at the road house.
Shawn: Oh, then they don’t have my business anymore, either.
Maudette: Sure you can keep up with me? I like to dance all night long.
Gus: Well, Shawn.
Maudette: Relax. Okay, here we go.
Maudette Hornsby hands Shawn Spencer a book.
Maudette: This is the most recent Dual Spires yearbook.
Shawn: Thank you, Maudette. Feels a little thin.
Maudette: Small book for a small school.
Gus: There were only six people in the graduating class?
Maudette: Yeah, and even that was large. Mine only had three.
Shawn: You, Robert, and Michelle?
Maudette: You’re very impressive, Mr. Spencer.
Gus whispers to Shawn.
Gus: None of the guys in Paula’s class have names that begin with “J”.
Shawn: Let’s see here.
Shawn Spencer browses the yearbook.
Shawn: Paula sure is in a lot of photos.
Maudette: Oh, that’s not surprising. She loved the attention.
Shawn Spencer notices the signature on the photos as “JS”. He flips to the Photo Club section, and identifies the photographer as Jack Smith, the guy who found Paula’s dead body.
Shawn: Huh, thank you, Maudette.
Maudette: Bye, Gus.
Shawn and Gus visit the house of Jack Smith. Jack opens the door, and takes their picture.
Shawn: Whoa, Jack. You didn’t even give me a chance to see if I had food in my teeth.
Shawn flashes his teeth to Gus.
Gus: You’re good.
Shawn: I’m Shawn. He’s Blackmunn.
Jack: Yeah, yeah. I know who you are.
Shawn: Oh good. So you know we’re here to ask you some questions about Paula. You, uh, you ever think about hanging any of your photos on the wall?
Jack: Well, to me, each photo is like a memory, so I like to keep them close.
Shawn: It’s like you and Paula were more than just friends, huh?
Jack: Yeah, we were until about a year ago, she left me for the cinnamon king.
Gus: You must have been pretty angry with her.
Jack: At first I was, yeah, but then we became best friends. I was her confidant. We would lip synch to old records together.
Shawn: Jon Cryer from Pretty In Pink.
Gus: No one in this town has ever seen that movie, Shawn.
Shawn: Well, I refuse to accept that.
Shawn accidentally knocks over something, and it falls on the floor into pieces.
Shawn: Whoops! Jack, that’s my bad. Uh, let me, let me clean this…
Jack: No, no, no, no. Don’t, don’t, don’t. The broken glass will make for a beautiful photo.
Jack takes photos of the shattered glass.
Shawn: Yeah, it will. So, what do you think? You think this guy killed Paula?
Gus: Most definitely. He’s a freaky dude living in a freaky place, and have you noticed he won’t ever make eye contact with you? There’s only one reason for that. Guilt.
Shawn remembers Jack Smith’s entrance at the parade where he drove his bike right on to the stairs of the stage.
Shawn: Actually, there may be another. Hey Jack, the glass is over here, man.
Shawn points on the floor devoid of glass.
Jack: I know. Yeah.
Jack starts to shoot where Shawn was pointing.
Shawn: I gotta tell you, you are the highest functioning blind person that I’ve ever seen.
Jack: I’m not technically blind. I still have 30% vision in my right eye for now. A couple of years ago, I developed early onset macular degeneration.
Shawn Spencer notices Jack’s blurry photos from 2005.
Shawn: I’m sensing it was around ’05?
Jack: Yeah, that’s right.
Gus: Where were you the night Paula disappeared?
Jack: I was with her at the beginning of the night. We took a walk in the forest, and she told me she wanted to leave Dual Spires, and I said that was a mistake, and then jet blackness.
Gus: What does that mean?
Shawn: It would be a great porn name for you.
Jack: I woke up about an hour later with this bump on my head, and there was no Paula.
Shawn: She knocked you out? Come on, Jack, a big guy like you?
Jack: No, no, no. Somebody else snuck up on me, and I wasn’t looking.
Shawn: Well, you couldn’t have been looking probably wouldn’t have made much of a difference.
Gus: He’s practically blind.
Shawn: Why didn’t you take any of this to the sheriff, Jack?
Jack: Because I may have been the last person to ever see her alive, and my story sounds fishy at best. I mean, do you believe me?
Shawn: Were you taking photos that night on the walk?
Jack: Yeah, yeah, of course I was.
Shawn: Well, why don’t you let us take a look at that film?
Jack takes another picture.
Shawn, Gus and Jack are in the dark room.
Shawn: Oh, this is good. This will go well with the five shots of her boots.
Jack: Take a blindfolded photo sometime then let me know how it turns out.
Gus: Wait a second. Here’s something.
Shawn and Gus Randy Jackson in the photo.
Shawn: Dude, we gotta get to Jules.
Detective O’Hara knocks on the Jackson’s house, and is greeted by Randy Jackson.
Jules: Hi, I’m looking for Sheriff Jackson. The deputy said I could find him here.
Randy: Yeah, uh, he just stepped out for a sec.
Jules: Do you know when he’ll be back?
Randy: Oh, any minute now. You can wait in the back with me. I’m just doing a little work for shop class.
Jules: Okay, I’m Juliet O’Hara.
Jules extends a hand, and Randy shakes it.
Randy: Randy. Randy Jackson.
Juliet O’Hara enters the house, and follows Randy to the back of the house where he’s cutting wood.
Randy: How much do you weigh?
Jules: Excuse me?
Randy: I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to ask a woman that question, am I?
Jules: Not unless you’re piloting a very small plane.
Randy: About 105?
Jules: Will your dad be here soon?
Randy: I’d imagine so. Paula weighed about 105. You kinda remind me of her.
Jules: I understand you two were quite close. I’m sorry for your loss.
Randy: Yeah, it’s a real tragedy.
Randy holding a piece of wood walks closer to Jules.
Jules: You know what? Why don’t I just come back in like an hour or so.
Randy: No. Stay.
Randy walks closer as Jules steps back, and readies to pull her gun.
Shawn: Hey! Get your wood out of her face, Randy.
Randy: What’s going on?
Shawn: We know you knocked out Jack Smith when he was with Paula the night she died.
Randy: Yeah, I thought he was trying to steal my girlfriend.
Shawn: Really? You’re jealous of the goofy kid who snaps photos like Jose Feliciano.
Randy: Hey, Paula always had a thing for him.
Shawn: For Jose Feliciano?
Randy: No, Jack. I just gave him a super elbow and he crumbled like feta.
Jules: What did Paula do?
Randy: She freaked out, and went on this rant about how I’m a hypocrite because I spend a lot of time with my ex-girlfriend.
Gus: And who’s that?
Randy: That’s none of your business.
Shawn: What is it with all the secret relationships in this town? It’s like General Hospital. You’re kidding me. All right, that’s it. Is there a film, or a television series that you people actually saw?
Randy: The town gets together every Thursday night to watch reruns of Everwood.
Shawn: Okay, I can work with that.
Jules: What happened next?
Randy: She got mad at me for hurting a blind person. She then went to find help for Jack. I offered to go with her, but she wanted nothing to do with me. So I tied his shoelaces together, and went to the library and waited to hear from her.
Randy: Of course, I never did.
Shawn: Just like Treat Williams’ character on Everwood; never got to say goodbye to his wife.
Randy: Look, I’m telling you guys the truth, plus I have an alibi, remember?
Shawn: All right, but we’re on to you, Randy. Just like the townspeople of Everwood were on to the fact that Nina was a surrogate mother.
Gus: Will you stop it?
Randy: She was.
Shawn: Thank you.
Jules, Shawn and Gus are at The Sawmill diner.
Jules: So, who do we think Randy’s ex is?
Shawn: Jules, you gotta order a piece of this pie.
Jules: I did. You guys immediately ate it.
Shawn: Well, it’s gotta be someone who’s into the creepsters, but I’m guessing she’s older, ‘cause I have yet to see a woman under the age of 35 in this town.
Gus: It’s also someone that Randy spends consistent time with.
Shawn: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I’m getting something.
Randy: I’m at the library almost every night.
Maudette: Randy and I have a very special bond, you see.
Shawn: Four slices to go, please!
Gus and Shawn eat their pie as they walk with Jules to the library.
Jules: If Maudette was sleeping with Randy, that’s gross. She practically raised him.
Gus: The only thing that would make it grosser if she wasn’t attractive.
Shawn: What’s wrong with you? This goes beyond Maudette getting her Pamela smart on. I think she killed Paula.
Jules: How do you figure?
Shawn: I’m sensing that Randy went to the library that night to finally tell Maudette that he and Paula were leaving Dual Spires; sent her to a jealous rage, snuck out, killed Paula, because if she couldn’t have Randy no woman would.
Gus: That changes everything.
Gus, Shawn and Jules enter the library.
Gus: Remind me to never have an affair with an older woman or a librarian.
Gus, Shawn and Jules find Maudette’s lifeless body hanging from the ceiling.
Shawn: That’s no good.
Gus: I am so sick of this town.
Doctor Gooden and Deputy Frost put the body bag on the pedicab.
Doctor: Go ahead and wheel her around the corner to my office.
Randy is there to his father’s concern.
Sheriff: I can’t believe Maudette Hornsby was taking advantage of my son.
Gus: Taking advantage is a little strong. The dude was seventeen, and she was fine.
Shawn: What exactly constitutes the difference between altar boy Gus, and degenerate Gus?
Doctor: Reputation was everything to Maudette. The prospect of the town knowing about that scandal was probably more than she could live with.
Sheriff: I better speak to my boy.
Doctor: And I’ll get on that autopsy.
Gus: The fact that she murdered someone may have also hurt her reputation.
Jules: All right, I’m gonna get back and brief the department. You want me to drive you to your car?
Shawn: We’ll meet you back there in a bit.
Gus: Why are we not getting the hell out of here?
Shawn: Because my theory is half-baked, Gus. Something isn’t sitting right with me.
Gus: You know what’s not sitting right with me, Shawn? Being stuck in a tiny town with no phone access, and all white people. Let’s go.
Shawn notices a wire hidden in the grass that runs through the library.
Gus: Now where are you going?
Shawn enters the library.
Gus: If we leave now, I’ll let you play the theme to Weird Science over and over in the car. What do you say?
Shawn follows the wire that now runs across the wall near the ceiling.
Shawn: That’s happening regardless. This way.
Maudette: Here’s the most recent Dual Spires yearbook.
Maudette’s right thumb has a mark on it.
Shawn: Maudette was the one emailing us.
Gus: That makes no sense. Why would the killer lure detective to the scene, and then start feeding the clues?
Shawn: Because she didn’t kill Paula, Gus.
Gus: I’m never gonna leave this town.
Shawn: She suspected foul play, and knew she’d be the prime suspect if anyone found out about her relationship with Randy. So she started snooping around on her own, discovered the drowning seven years ago in Santa Barbara, found us on the Internet.
Gus: So who killed Paula Merral?
Shawn: I don’t know, but we’re gonna find out.
Shawn and Gus make their way to the door, and find that it’s locked.
Shawn: Gus, stop messing around.
Gus: I’m not, Shawn.
Gus struggles to open the door when he notices smoke seeping through the space between the door and the floor.
Shawn: Yes, Gus.
Gus: Something’s burning.
Shawn: I see that. Help us! Somebody help us! We’re stuck in this tiny room! Help us!
Gus: Let us out! Shawn, we’re gonna die in this tiny, stupid room!
Shawn: Gus, don’t be the scream from Holding Back the Years! You’re right, though. This could be it for us.
Gus: Man, we are gonna burn!
Shawn: Yes, I know.
An axe rips through the door. A black hooded figure breaks down the door, and grabs Gus.
Gus: No, wait, wait! Who are you?
Shawn and Gus scream like girls. The black hooded figure takes Gus away.
The hooded figure, Gus and Shawn exit the burning library. The hooded figure removes the jacket over his head.
Gus: Father Westley. Thank God you were here, literally.
Shawn: We were about to be wicker men. How did you find us?
Father: I just had faith.
Father: No, boys. I just got to town, and I saw the fire. I saw the tandem bicycle outside. It all added up.
Gus: But how did you know we were in trouble in the first place?
Father: You hung up on me when I was transcribing the Latin, Shawn.
Shawn: I just…I just got excited. I took one little step to the left.
Father: And that girl, Paula, she felt she was in danger. She was afraid, which led me to be afraid for the two of you, and honestly, I owed you one anyway, because of that whole exorcism thing.
Shawn: What happened to your hair?
Father: Oh, yeah, it was an ill-advised attempt to cover up some gray that went terribly awry, but technically Sister Rita’s to blame. She’s the one that did my hair.
Bob Barker arrives in his jeep.
Bob: Guys, get in. We don’t have much time.
Shawn: You have a car? What gives?
Gus: Why should we trust you?
Bob: You probably shouldn’t, but if you stay here you’re gonna be sitting ducks for whoever it was who tried to burn you guys alive. I’ll explain everything at the cabin. Get in.
The four arrive at the cabin.
Bob: Have a seat. I’ll make a fire.
Shawn: All right, we’re listening.
Bob: My great grandfather founded Dual Spires. That’s him there.
Shawn: I might have guessed that one.
Bob: After World War I ended, and seeing the absolute worst in man, he decided to settle here with two other soldiers from his squadron, and their families.
Shawn: I was wrong, it isn’t Witness. It’s The Village.
Father: The Village was a ridiculous film. “Those we do not speak of.” Remember all that nonsense?
Bob: It’s always been the responsibility of the three leaders of the families to watch over the town, and its best interest. Try to understand, their intentions were so pure, create a community that wouldn’t be subjected to the horrors that they lived through, and it worked for forty years. Dual Spires was perfect, until…
Shawn: The Great Sawmill fire of ’58.
Bob Barker lights a match, and throws it into the fireplace.
Bob: It was arson, a drifter who had been in town doing odd jobs. Eight people burned to death. After that, we became insulated, looked at all outsiders as a threat.
Father: Like Paula. She was afraid. She thought she was being watched. Even followed.
Bob: She was, which is why Michelle and I were supportive of her decision to leave. I…we…loved her so much. We just wanted her to be happy.
Shawn remembers Bob Barker’s finger from one of the photos in Jack Smith’s house.
Shawn: Did Paula ever know that you were her father?
Bob: Yes, I had to tell her, in order to get her to come here in the first place.
Gus: What about your wife? Does she know you had an affair with her sister?
Bob: No. She never will. I think she’s been through enough.
Gus: You know, for a town that prides itself on honesty and do-goodness, you all have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
Father: Judge not, that ye may be judged, Gus. Although I might say in this case, it’s pretty messed up.
Shawn notices a ring on Bob Barkers finger.
Shawn: I know who killed Paula Merral.
Sheriff Andrew Jackson, and Doctor Gooden arrive. The sheriff points the gun at Shawn.
Gus: Sheriff, you can put the gun down. This is Father Westley. He saved us.
Father: My hair doesn’t normally look like this.
Sheriff: Bless me father for I have sinned, but I’m afraid I can’t put away this gun.
Shawn notices the sheriff and the doctor wearing the same ring as Bob Barker.
Shawn: No, I suppose you can’t. You see the other two families that settled this town were the Jacksons and the Goodens, am I right? And as its other two leaders, you panicked when you caught wind that the evil Paula was running away with Randy. I mean without the Cinnamon King who would lead over future generations? The good doctor can’t conceive. The Barkers didn’t have a child of their own, which means Randy is the only direct descendent to protect Dual Spires and your way of life especially now that the sheriff is dying of cancer.
Shawn remembers the numerous medications at the Jackson’s house.
Shawn: The two of you wielded all the power necessary to kill Paula and make it look like an accident, and you would have gotten away wit it too, if Maudette hadn’t sent those emails, but even that was nothing a little rope couldn’t take care of. Isn’t that right, Sheriff?
Sheriff: You truly are amazing, but you shouldn’t have come here. Our business was not your concern.
Shawn: Your business is murder.
Sheriff: Her death, though tragic, saves our future.
Bob: You killed my little girl.
Gus: Um, what about us?
Doctor: Honestly, far less tragic. We barely know you.
Father: I’m in my own special category, right?
Shawn: Really, Father?
The Sheriff aims his gun at them when…
Jules: Drop it, now!
Gus: How did you find us?
Father: Aw, miracles happen every day, Gus.
Shawn: This is a miracle.
Father: No, I called the detectives before I came to town.
Shawn: You sly old dog.
Jules: We ran into Jack, and he led us here.
Jack: They thought this place was a secret. I’ve photographed every single inch of this town.
Father: Ah, good work, Son. We’re over here.
Jack takes their photos.
Shawn: Oh, Jack
At the Sawmill Diner, Jack Smith wearing an eye patch puts a coin in the jukebox and dances to jazzy music.
Shawn: It’s nice to finally have some alone time.
Jules: It is. Though you know, we’re not really alone, Shawn.
Father: You were not lying about the pie, Burton. It’s heavenly.
Gus: Right? Now on to Ecclesiastes.
Father: It’s one of my favorites.
Shawn: Couldn’t blow off a priest. I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
Jules: It’s not so much Gus, and Father Westley, and Carlton.
Detective Lassiter is at the counter sipping cider.
Lassiter: That is a damn fine cup of cider.
Jules: It’s the other people.
An extremely tall man with a very deep voice orders at the counter.
Tall Man: Three cinnamon pies, please.
Jack Smith continues to dance, while Bob and Michelle Barker does the same.
Shawn: What do you say we get out of here?
Jules: I’m in.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Dual Spires” episode was written by Bill Callahan & James Roday. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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