A woman in dark sunglasses, and black leather jacket and pants is walking the streets of Santa Barbara. The same woman is in a flashback where a flag is burned, a gunshot is heard and there is chaos everywhere, while the woman is seen escaping the scene. Meanwhile, Shawn and Gus are at the boardwalk eating ice cream.
Shawn: You know, Gus. I’m gonna open an old-fashioned ice cream shoppe at some point.
Gus: This is because of Juliet, isn’t it? Every time he launches a dream about opening an ice cream store.
Gus: Shoppe. It’s because there’s some issue with Juliet. Psychiatrists call it diversion coding. This is because she’s dating Declan now.
Shawn: I wouldn’t call it dating.
Gus: What would you call it?
Shawn: Dating. I just don’t wanna say it. Come on, Gus. The guy lies his ass off about everything in his life, then he just apologizes, and that gets him right off the hook.
Gus: Shawn, she really likes him. Why are you trying to poke a hole into something that’s working for her.
Shawn: You know, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. If she wants to be in a relationship with a filthy rich guy who adores her, so be it. But not this guy. No, Sir. My spirit has to remain unchained, Gus. Like my melodies.
Shawn: Be available for any opportunity.
Shawn: Yes, Gus. Opportunity with a woman like that.
Shawn gestures to the woman in dark sunglasses and black leather pants and jacket. The woman removes her sunglasses.
Shawn: She’s making eyes with me.
Gus: She has eyes, yes, but they’re looking at me.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be absurd. She’s looking directly at me. She’s piercing my mediumly defined chest with her stark bedroom peepers.
Gus: That lady is trying to undress me with her eyes, Shawn.
Shawn: Maybe she’s dressing you. Cover up your cankles?
Gus: Please. I have the ankles of a stallion, and that woman wants them.
The woman rushes towards Shawn and Gus.
Shawn: That woman has a gun.
Gus: She’s all yours. I’m outta here.
Shawn and Gus run, and the woman runs after them. Shawn throws away his ice cream.
Shawn: Drop you cone!
Gus: I’m not dropping my cone, Shawn.
Shawn: When are you gonna eat that?
Gus: I don’t wanna die on an empty stomach, Barry.
Shawn: Who is Barry?
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: What do we do when we get to the end of the pier?
Gus: Why don’t you ask Barry?
Shawn and Gus reach the end of the pier. The woman catches them.
Shawn: Don’t kill us. Please.
Woman: I’m not here to kill you. In fact, I need your help.
Shawn: Who are you?
Nadia: My name is Nadia. I work with Ewan O’hara.
Gus: You know Juliet’s brother?
Nadia: We were operatives together. I’ve been set up, and I’m on the run. Ewan told me about you. He was impressed with your skills.
Shawn: You’re not kidding? You’re really a spy? This is…this is for real?
Nadia: Yeah, this is for real.
Shawn: So you weren’t undressing him with your eyes, earlier?
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: See, I told you.
Nadia: Listen, I have very little time. I need to be erased. To disappear.
Gus: Uh, how do you expect us to help you do that?
Nadia: My mentor, and most trusted ally, code name Strabinsky, was the only one who successfully erased himself. He has the tools. O’hara said if someone doesn’t exist you’d be the person to find him. Will you help me?
Gus: Well, I can only speak for myself, but a few seconds ago I thought we’re gonna have to jump off this pier, so.
Shawn: Yeah. We can help you.
Nadia: Okay. Well, we don’t have a lot of time. They’re following me. They could be here any minute.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa. There’s no reason to be so dramatic. We get it. You’re a spy, and things are heightened for you people, but uh, come on, we’re a little more laid-back in Santa Barbara. This is a beach community.
A helicopter whirs towards the boardwalk, riding it are men in suit with one pointing a gun at them. The woman pushes Gus who still is holding an ice cream. Nadia pushes Shawn and Gus off the bridge just as the man in the helicopter shoots at them. Gus falls on the dock below the bridge, while Shawn in a rowboat right beside it.
Shawn: How are those stallion ankles now, Buddy?
Gus: Where is she, Shawn?
Nadia hides under the bridge.
Nadia: Get over here! Get out of the line of sight.
Shawn jumps in the rowboat.
Gus: Come on!
The helicopter continues to hover above the bridge.
Man #1: Where the hell did she go?
Man #2: Underneath the pier, Sir.
Man #1: How the hell did we lose her? Come around the other side.
Shawn and Gus paddle with their hands toward Nadia.
Shawn: Okay, great. What’s your genius plan to get us out of here now?
Nadia: Listen you two, from now on, you’re gonna do exactly what I sya.
Man #1: Who are those guys she’s with?
Man #2: I have no idea. Put this thing down. We gotta get her from the ground.
Shawn and Gus follow Nadia’s lead when Shawn’s cellphone rings.
Shawn: Lassie, what’s up?
Lassiter: Spencer. I just got a call about a white guy and a black guy running down the boardwalk wreaking havoc, and I immediately thought of you guys. Are you involved?
Shawn: Don’t know anything about said havoc.
Lassiter: What about the report of a black ops helicopter circling the bay firing off shots?
Shawn: Helicopter in Santa Barbara, firing shots? Lassie, please. Go to the men’s bathroom. Behind the condom machine is a vial of sanity serum. Crack it, digest, call me in half an hour. But don’t…
Nadia pulls Shawn into the ladies room. Nadia kicks the doors of the stalls.
Gus: Uh, this is a women’s bathroom. I don’t think we should be in here.
Nadia: Sit down. Away from the window.
Nadia pulls Shawn and Gus to the bench.
Shawn: Dude. Purple octopus, twelve o’clock.
Gus looks up.
Gus: Shawn, you need to focus.
Nadia: Okay, this is the deal. I was in Kiev several years ago with Strabinsky. It was an N.Q.K. mission.
Nadia: No questions kill mission. Any more questions? He told me the day would come that we would need to cut ties and go dark. Next morning he had erased himself, and dropped off the grid.
Nadia hands Shawn Spencer a piece of paper.
Nadia: I found this on my bag. He left it there. I believe it was a clue for me to find him if I needed his help.
Shawn: Nadia, this is blank.
Gus takes the piece of paper from Shawn.
Nadia: Touch it.
Gus: What is it, Braille?
Nadia: I don’t think it’s Braille.
Somebody knocks on the door.
Woman: Hello? It’s locked. Why is it locked during the day?
Nadia cocks her gun, and stands by the door.
Gus: These impressions are in a formation, Shawn. I think this has something to do with celestial patterns. Stars.
Shawn: I got something!
Shawn pretends to have a vision.
Shawn: Something helpful and impressive. I see Strabinsky in the sky. Possibly with diamonds.
Nadia: Please, make some sense soon.
Shawn: Do you still have that giant astronomy coloring book back in the Psych office?
Gus: It’s not a coloring book.
Shawn: Uh-oh. He’s gonna be so mad at me.
At the Psych office, Shawn is browsing through Gus’ astronomy book.
Nadia: Remember, we have t-minus six minutes before a team of black ops close in and torture to kill.
Shawn: Torture to kill? Is that pretty cut and dry or is there some wiggle room there?
Nadia pushes the chair away from the window, and looks out the window.
Gus: Uh, Nadia. I have floor pads as to avoid the scratching of hardwood floors.
Nadia: You’re kidding, right?
Gus: Yes, I am.
Nadia takes out a piece of equipment, and cuts a hole through the glass.
Gus: Nadia, that’s gonna cost us $438 plus tax. Never mind.
Nadia assembles her sniper gun, and places the nozzle through the hole. Meanwhile, Shawn matches the impressions on the paper with a picture in the book. He exclaims.
Shawn: Phoenix constellation. Damn it! That means Strabinsky is in Alabama.
Gus: You mean Arizona?
Nadia: No. He always talked about retiring here. This much I know for sure. Another reason why O’hara thought you could help.
Gus: Wait a second. Wait a second. This has nothing to do with the constellation.
Nadia: Get down.
Gus: It’s just a clue to get us to the location. F-E-N-I-X, the Fenix valley path. It’s in the Los Padres forest just outside of Santa Barbara.
Shawn: Gus, you can’t just make up stuff that doesn’t exist.
Gus: It does exist, Shawn. It’s just not in any guidebooks. It’s named after a hiker who got lost there.
Shawn: Oh. Well, that’s it then. That’s were we’ll find Strabinsky.
Gus: That’s what I just said, but the Los Padres forest is too big. You can’t just walk through there and find Strabinsky.
Nadia: We have to fly over. Do you know anybody who owns a chopper?
Shawn: 99.6% of the time, the answer to that question is nobody. But there’s one guy.
Shawn, Gus along with Nadia drops by Declan’s house.
Declan: I should be concerned, right?
Shawn: Concerned and excited.
Declan: Really bad timing.
Gus: Declan, we’re being tracked, which means in about seven-ish minutes dudes in Capes are gonna storm your dope pad, and start sniping us.
Woman: They will not be wearing capes, but they will be sniping us.
Shawn: Declan this is Nadia. She is a spy. The case we’re working on is a matter of national, international, and gubernational security.
Declan: Okay, okay, but you can’t stay long.
Nadia pulls down the blinds.
Declan: Da, da, da, da. No need to worry about being tracked, Nadia.
Nadia: Why’s that?
Declan: I own the air rights for the whole block. I can scramble the strongest of signals. Now unfortunately, whatever you guys are involved in, I don’t think I can assist you on this one.
Gus: Listen, just hear us out. We need you to sponsor us.
Declan: Sorry, guys. But ever since I admitted to Juliet that I’m not a real criminal profiler, I promised I wouldn’t assist on any police cases whatsoever.
Nadia: Who’s Juliet?
Declan: My girlfriend.
Shawn: Wow! Just dropping the G-bomb with reckless abandon, huh? You know what? You are missing a huge opportunity here. An opportunity to jump right into a Bourne film.
Nadia: This is not a movie. This is reality, and it’s happening right now.
Declan: Look guys, between you and me, I’d kill to get myself kneecap deep in this thing, but I’m trying to play the honesty card. So, no lies, period.
Juliet calls from afar.
Juliet: Dec, I’m sorry, but I think I just used the last of your shampoo.
Juliet enters in the living room in her robe.
Juliet: Shawn. Gus.
Declan: Sorry, Bunny. They just stopped by, but they’re leaving now.
Shawn: I see what happened here. Juliet was driving in the area, she spilled something on herself, she dropped by and asked if she could use the facilities.
Juliet: No, Shawn. I slept here, and then I woke up here, and then I took a shower.
Shawn: Yes, the old crashing in the guest room routine.
Juliet: I am sorry.
Juliet turns to Nadia.
Juliet: What is your name?
Shawn: Nadia. Her name is Nadia, and we have chemistry.
Juliet: Okay, Shawn, Gus, woman in leather enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Nadia: Can we please get down to business?
Shawn: Yes, of course. Declan, can we borrow your chopper or what?
Declan: Yeah, well that depends. I need it back tonight.
Shawn: Tonight? What do you mean? Like this coming night?
Declan: Yeah, I’m flying Juliet to Napa for dinner, and surprising her with a vacation plan. The Amalfi Coast.
Shawn: Amalfi Coast? Ooh, Bro. I’ll pull back. Step on the breaks if I was you, Man. If I know one thing about Juliet is that she likes to rough it on her vacays.
Declan: Hmm, yeah, I wouldn’t have guessed that.
Shawn: Really? It’s true, she’s a hunter, gatherer, woodswoman. Tents, beans, and bugs, that’s how she does it.
Gus: We can have the chopper back in two, three hours, tops.
Declan: Well I guess it should work. I mean, technically, I’m just loaning you a chopper to fly from point A to point B.
Gus: And loaning us your pilot too.
Declan: Oh, I am the pilot.
Declan flies Shawn, Gus, and Nadia to the Los Padres Forest.
Declan: Damn, this is good fun! It’s so much more satisfying than the remote control version.
Nadia: We have to find Strabinsky soon. It’s just a matter of time before they figure out we’re airborne and send an F14 to shoot us down.
Gus: What? We’re gonna get shot down?
Shawn Spencer spots a cabin in the forest.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! We’re in the right spot. This is it! Bring this birdie down, Declan.
Declan: You got it. You got it. But hold on tight. Landing’s dicey at best for me.
Gus: Haven’t you been flying your whole life?
Declan: Uh, no, that’s a negative. No, I just got my pilot’s license three days ago.
Nadia followed by Shawn and Gus approach the cabin.
Nadia: Knock, knock.
Man: Who’s there?
Shawn mumbles something to Gus.
Gus: It must be some kind of spy code.
Gus: I guess not.
A man opens the door.
Strabinsky looks at Shawn and Gus. The two converse in German.
Strabinsky: It’s been a while.
Nadia: Last time I saw you, you were four clicks outside of Mozambique.
Strabinsky: Mm, Mozambique. Tortured by pygmies. Well, get in here. Come on inside.
Nadia enters the cabin followed by Shawn and Gus.
Strabinsky: Well, welcome to my hidden abode. Would you like a quick tour?
Strabinsky: I joke. It’s a joke. Get it?
Gus nervously laughs.
Strabinsky: Sorry about the heat in here, but the super hydra drives are like ovens. Suck up power like nobody’s business. Hey, can I ask you all a quick favor before we get this party started?
Gus: You want us to take our shoes off?
Strabinsky: No, I want you to tell me why you’re here in the next ten seconds, or else I’m gonna kill you all.
Nadia: Wait! Wait! Calm down, Strabinsky. I found you using the card you left in my backpack. It’s time for me to cut ties.
Strabinsky: Nadia, you are being tracked. You put me in jeopardy. You know how long it took me to find this place? To set it up? That door you came through? That’s custom. Translation: It’s not from home depot.
Nadia: I’m, I’m sorry, but…
Strabinsky: It took me a week to put in that door, and then you bring in two civvies here, and there’s a Jack snapper out there in a chopper.
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective, so that technically means I’m no longer a civvy, if you will.
Strabinsky: I will snuff you out without even touching you.
Shawn: Harsh, intimidating, intriguing how you would actually snuff without touching, but also fiar.
Nadia: You’re right. I am being tracked. So, will you erase me or not?
Later, Strabinsky is in front of his supercomputer.
Strabinsky: Nadia, you have been a busy, busy bee. I’m just about done here deleting all your mission files.
Nadia: Wait, wa…wait. Don’t delete operation Mitlu-Bolivia. Open that one.
Strabinsky: I can’t open that file, that’s got special security.
Nadia: Seriously, open it.
Strabinksy: Okay, maybe I was unclear, or I spoke super-duper fast, or switched languages, or something, but I can’t open this file.
Nadia pulls out her gun, and points it at Strabinsky.
Nadia: I know you can open the file. Open it!
Shawn: This feels like an old school spy tiff that deserves some privacy.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Gus and Shawn make their way to the door.
Nadia: Don’t move a muscle.
Strabinsky: What is operation Mitly?
Nadia: Open it!
Strabinsky: Oh yeah, wait a second. Bolivia. I remember hearing something over the agency wire about that mission. The embassy was broken into. A couple of diplomats were killed, and someone made off with a suitcase of GCCs.
Gus: What are GCCs?
Strabinsky: Global Currency Certificates. You can cash them in for any currency around the world. It’s like literally having a money printing press.
Shawn: So that’s what this is about, huh, Nadia? You used my incredible gifts to get yourself erased so that you could go retire somewhere exotic in the world with a bunch of GCCs?
Nadia: You have one minute to open the file, Strabinsky.
Strabinsky: Go ahead, shoot me. I can’t open this file. You of all people should know. The only way to open a file this secure is on a level three computer in a government building.
Nadia rushes out the cabin. Gus and Shawn step outside the cabin, and finds that she already escaped.
Gus: Who did we just help erase?
Strabinsky: A very capable killer.
Shawn and Gus are at the precinct in Chief Vick’s office with his Henry, Juliet and Lassiter.
Henry: Shawn, it’s my day off. I had a cold beer in my hand. I’m on my boat, and literally had my fishing line in the water when I got this call.
Shawn: Dad, does Chief Vick know that you’re sitting in her chair while she’s on holiday?
Henry: I am in no mood.
Shawn: I’m just saying your naked thighs are touching the fabric there. Don’t you think she’d be a little weirded out?
Declan: Sorry, guys. No choice. I made a promise to Juliet so I had to come clean, and I told them everything.
Juliet: Yes, Shawn, I know he was with you when you guys got in over your heads in an international case you had no business being a part of.
Declan: But on my part, mostly as a pilot.
Juliet: You’re a pilot?
Declan: Oh, did I leave that part out? It’s only been three days.
Gus: Now the guy decides to have a crisis of conscience.
Shawn: Is there anything else you’d like to confess?
Declan: Yes, uh, this morning when you found that fresh-sliced grapefruit on your bedside table, and you asked me who put it there, and I said “the grapefruit fairy”, I was lying. It was me.
Juliet: Oh my God, that’s so cute.
Lassiter: Pretty cute.
Henry: All right everyone. Shawn, where is this Nadia woman?
Shawn: I mean…
The men in suits in the helicopter enter Chief Vick’s office.
Shawn: Lassie, grab them! Grab those…grab those men. These are the guys that were in the helicopter. They’re the ones who tried to kill us on the pier this morning.
Lassiter: I knew you were on that pier.
Henry: Shawn, calm down. These are the good guys.
Driggs: Agent Camden Driggs, Special Division, Department of Clandestine Human Source Intelligence. This is Tom.
Shawn: You get a whole swanky intro, and all he gets is, “This is Tom”?
Tom: Senior Communications Analyst in charge of operative in-call status objectives. Subdivision Supervisor, Tom Fong.
Shawn: I get it. I get “This is Tom”.
Lassiter: You guys are CIA?
Tom: When was the last time you were in Washington, hmm…your eight grade field trip? Anyone in a suit isn’t CIA. We’re special military ops.
Driggs: Mr. Spencer you are aware that you helped aid and abet one of the world’s most dangerous government operatives?
Shawn: Well, when you say it like that it makes it sound way worse than it is.
Driggs: And how would you prefer I say it?
Shawn: Inflection is everything. Try it again. Maybe a little singsongy.
Henry: Shawn. You will cooperate with these men.
Driggs: I wanna know everything that Nadia said to you. I want you to retrace every step you took since she made contact.
Tom: And we know about Strabinsky. Where is he?
Shawn: Oh, come on, you guys. That man just wants to live in peace. He gave twelve years of his life to you all.
Declan: I’ll give you my flight logs. God that felt good being open and honest.
The special military ops barge into Strabinky’s cabin only to find his body burnt beyond recognition.
Driggs: Good job, Spencer. You led Nadia right to Strabinsky, and now she took him out.
Tom: She was cleaning up her tracks, eliminating witnesses.
Shawn: Well, if that’s the case then why are Gus and I still alive?
Driggs: Because you two aren’t worth eliminating.
Gus: Oh, we’re worth eliminating.
Later, Driggs walks out the door.
Driggs: Agent Fong, call in for air support. I want the rest of you to fan out on the mountainside. We’ve got hours, not days.
Lassiter: Correct me if I’m wrong, but industry standard is eighteen hours. Otherwise we can kiss her ass goodbye.
Driggs: That’s right, Detective.
Shawn: Well, I can find that spy in nineteen hours.
Driggs: This is not a negotiation, and you went up.
Shawn: Fine, I can find hat spy in thirteen hours.
Driggs: Shawn. You know, if you shut up, and let me do my job, I’ll find that spy in eight hours.
Shawn: Okay, find that spy.
Driggs: You know what? Get out of here. Both of you. Go sit in the chopper, I’m tired of looking at your face.
Shawn and Gus walk away.
Shawn: Hey, Tom Fong. You coming with?
Juliet walks over to Shawn.
Juliet: Listen, Shawn. If this woman has any connection to my brother.
Shawn: Come on, Jules.
Juliet: No, Shawn. I know that you were taken by him, and you guys shared some sort of bond or something, but let’s not forget, he eluded authorities, and exists in more than gray world.
Shawn: How much more?
Juliet: These people can’t be trusted. Watch yourself, Shawn. This is not a case you can fool with. It’s bigger than us.
Juliet: The department.
Lassiter: Oh, I’m sorry. Aren’t you two supposed to be waiting in the chopper?
Shawn: Lassie, what are you doing here? You know every time those Washington guys come to town, you turn into a 14th wheel. Look at Tom Fong.
Shawn points at Tom Fong who is on the phone.
Tom: Got it? Patch me through…
Shawn: He’s wearing two watches. How you gonna hang with that?
Lassiter: Spencer, you know nothing of these people. He does that so he can tell the time two places in the world simultaneously.
Shawn: Gus likes to know the time in Santa Barbara and Pasadena. Only needs one watch.
Driggs: You, Lassiter. You’re running point on this.
Driggs: I’ve doing this long enough to know that the guy with no life will get the job done. Not to mention, you know the landscape.
Lassiter: Do I ever? O’Hara!
Lassiter followed by Juliet excitedly walks away.
Shawn: I can’t believe Driggs beat me in the first round of “find that spy”.
Gus: Shawn, this isn’t funny. Nadia is gonna find us and kill us.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be a fine young cannibals cover of Suspicious Minds. We’re gonna find her, but we do need a plan.
Gus: Oh, I have a plan. I’m gonna pack me a medium-sized suitcase, and move to Mexico.
Shawn Spencer remembers what Strabinsky had said earlier to Nadia. Strabinky said “You of all people should know that a file this secure can only be opened on a level three computer in a government building.”
Shawn: I got it. I know where she is! Does anyone know where the closest government building is with a level three computer?
Nadia is inside a vent of a federal building in Santa Barbara. She opens an opening in the ceiling, and sprays black paint on the security camera’s lens. In the hallway, a security guard is scolding a visitor.
Guard; Put it on. Don’t forget it the next time.
Nadia knocks out one of the guards. The other guard pulls out his gun as he approaches the other guard who is lying unconscious on the floor. Nadia kicks him in the face knocking him out cold.
Shawn and Gus enter the Federal building.
Shawn: Yes! Yes, I am sensing she is here. She’s here in this building.
Agent Driggs arrives followed by his crew and Lassiter and Juliet.
Driggs: Let’s split up and cover all high security floors.
Juliet: Wait, can we just walk into a government building like his without clearance?
Driggs: You can if you’re with me.
Agent Driggs flashes his badge to the security guard at the lobby.
Driggs: We’re looking for somebody.
Lassiter: Ooh, can I take a look at that? Does it have a presidential seal on it?
Driggs: Let’s move, people!
Tom: Go, go, go!
The agents, and the detectives leave the lobby. Shawn whispers to Gus.
Shawn: So now I think she’d be found somewhere a little less obvious.
Nadia is already in front of a computer downloading files when Shawn and Gus arrive.
Shawn: Computer problems? I hate when that happens. Where’s an easy button when you need one?
Nadia: Oh, Shawn, you do have a skill set. Do you have any other talents?
Shawn: You used us, you lied to us.
Gus: And you killed Strabinsky.
Nadia: Oh, come on. I didn’t kill Strabinsky. Maybe no one did. Plus, if I had these certificates, why am I still here? Why?
Shawn: Okay, fine. So, if you were really set up, let us help you.
Nadia: You have no idea what you’re involved in. They made me take the certificates.
Gus: Who? Who was it?
Nadia: If I knew who it was I wouldn’t be here. He was in disguise, but someone on the inside. I don’t know who, and I don’t have time to give you Spy 101 lessons right now.
Shawn: Oh, really? Because Gus recently saw half of Spies Like Us.
Shawn and Gus laugh.
Shawn: And you don’t have a choice.
Nadia pulls out a gun, and discreetly points it at Shawn.
Gus: Uh, she has choices, and she just made one.
Shawn Spencer pulls out his cell phone.
Shawn: I’m about to make one too. I can either dial up Driggs or you can tell us what happened in Bolivia during operation Mitlu. By the way, who gets to name those operations? Because that seems fun.
Nadia: Hand me the phone before I have to resort to hurting you.
Shawn: Yeah, right. Without touching me, hmm?
Nadia: No. I am going to touch you.
The voice of Agent Driggs is heard from afar.
Driggs: Fan out, people.
The agents and the police arrive.
Man: Wait a sec. What’s going on here?
Nadia quickly sticks something on the CPU, and escapes.
Gus: What the hell is that?
The attached device starts beeping rapidly. Shawn pushes Gus aside just as the CPU explodes. People start to scream, while Nadia continues her escape. She finds a window that was left open, and swiftly slides to freedom. Later, the agents and police gather around.
Lassiter: Okay people, listen up. No one is to leave this building. I’ll be questioning each of you. Separately. One at a time. This could take a while so I hope you packed a snack.
Driggs: I’ll handle it from here. I want this unit sent to headquarters to be washed. She was definitely looking for something. There’s just no way of knowing what.
Lassiter: You know, I think I can help you with this. I’m probably gonna need some sort of clearance level. It doesn’t have to be the highest, just enough to give me one of those badges that beeps when you scan it.
Driggs: Detective, I’m not at liberty to disclose any information regarding classified documents. Perhaps if you wanna go back in time, make a couple of different life decisions…
Shawn Spencer notices a flash drive laying on the floor.
Driggs: Join the academy, train with some real investigators, then we an talk. But until then…
Shawn Spencer inconspicuously walks away whispering to Gus at the same time.
Shawn: Nadia said she was set up by someone on the inside. You get the feeling that Driggs ishiding more than he has to.
Gus: No, no, no, Shawn. Don’t do this. Nadia is crazy and dangerous. Driggs maybe an unpleasant man, but that doesn’t make him the bad guy.
Shawn: I don’t trust him.
Shawn bends down.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn shows Gus the burnt flash drive.
Shawn: Whatever’s on this file has the secret to what happened in Bolivia, and will prove that Driggs is behind it.
Gus: That thing is half-melted, Shawn. There’s no way we can retrieve any information off of it.
Shawn: Yeah, but Strabinsky can.
Nadia: Oh, come on, I didn’t kill Strabinsky. Maybe no one did.
Strabinsky: Sorry about the heat in here, but the super hydra drives are like ovens. Suck up power like nobody’s business.
Gus: Oh, my gosh.
Later, Shawn and Gus pay Declan a visit. Declan shows them a map on a computer screen.
Declan: Yeah, the Santa Barbara power grid would show hot spots for areas that are using crazy amounts of electricity.
Gus: Like hospitals or power plants.
Declan: And giant mansions like mine.
Gus: I hear that. See, that’s what we need, Shawn.
Gus looks at the man in the lab coat in Declan’s house.
Gus: Our very own computer guy for the office, nice.
Declan: Oh, that’s not a computer guy, he’s my pastry chef.
The pasty chef turns around holding a crème brulee.
Declan: That’s my snack. Thank you, Chui. Crème Brulee, guys?
Shawn and Gus: Yes.
Shawn notices something on the screen.
Shawn: Oh! What’s that one? The white one. Right there.
Declan types something on the computer, and it zooms in on the white spot on the screen.
Declan: White means hot. Huh, a small apartment building. Yeah, unless this person has 85 microwaves in his kitchen, that’s gotta be Strabinsky.
Shawn: Declan, I must say, you once again delivered in the clutch. I also have to ask you one more teeny, weeny favor.
Declan: I believe I’m fresh out of favors.
Shawn: Please, please, wait thirty minutes before you call Juliet and tell her we were here.
Shawn and Gus arrive at the apartment building where Strabinsky is hiding. Shawn knocks on the door.
Shawn: Knock, knock.
Strabinsky: Who’s there?
Gus: And Gus.
Strabinsky opens the door.
Strabinsky: Are you kidding me? Again? How did you guys find me? Normally, I’d be hot under the collar, but I have to admit, I’m a sucker for a couple of familiar faces. Come on. Get in here. Come on.
Shawn: Thanks, Man. Oh, look, it’s very earthy. It’s creamy.
Strabinsky: I hate to ask this of guests, you know. But could you guys do me a favor?
Shawn: I think so, probably.
Strabinsky: Could you take your shoes off? It’s a new place.
Gus clicks his tongue. Both Shawn and Gus take off their shoes.
Strabinsky: Barber carpets. They say it’s stain resistant, but I don’t trust them. I don’t trust them at all. And while you’re at it, in the next ten seconds, why don’t you tell me why you’re here, or else I’m gonna set you both on fire without even striking a match.
Shawn: Whoa, Strabs. Easy, Buddy.
Strabinsky: Hey, I just moved in here, come on. I mean, they’ve got a laundry. They’ve got an awesome pool.
Strabinsky opens the blinds.
Strabinsky: Look at that. Huh? Well, it’s not awesome, but it’s circular. It, it…you can’t even swim laps in it, but it’s a pool. You guys have any idea how hard it is to find a body decoy that works? This one’s too fat, this one’s too skinny. This guy’s just right, but he’s an Eskimo.
Shawn: Strabinsky, if you help us this one last time, you have my word that we will not find you a third time.
Gus: Unless we need your expertise a third time or we wanna go swimming in circles.
Strabinsky: What do you want?
Shawn: Uh, Nadia was trying to download something on this thing.
Shawn Spencer hands Strabinsky the melted flash drive. Later, Strabinsky manages to open the file in the melted flash drive.
Strabinsky: Ah, it looks like a still photo from an embassy. It’s a surveillance picture at the embassy in Bolivia.
The photo shows Nadia holding a suitcase.
Nadia: That must be the suitcase with the certificates.
Gus: So she did take it.
Shawn: How did I fall for this again?
Gus: Please tell me you have a plan?
Later, Shawn Spencer is at the police station with Gus conveying with the agents and the police his vision.
Shawn: I can see her running from a building. It’s a government building. There is a read, yellow, and green flag. The flag is on fire, though. Something went…
Shawn imitates an explosion.
Shawn: There was an explosion.
Driggs: That’s right. That’s the Bolivian embassy. How do you know this?
Shawn: She has a suitcase.
Tom: What’s in the suitcase?
Shawn: Give me a second, let me try to x-ray through it. I’m sensing, I’m getting, I’m seeing certificates of some kind. Crate and Barrel. No. Bed, Bath and Beyond? That seems unlikely. Global Current Affairs…something.
Tom: GCCs, Global Currency Certificates. Where do you see them?
Shawn: I see them in my mind, Tom. I’m a psychic, you see. A psychic spy. Maybe the only one. Probably the only one. Definitely the only non-Russian one. Unless you count Men Who Stare At Goats.
Shawn Spencer receives a call on his cellphone.
Henry: You’re gonna take a phone call in the middle of this?
Shawn: Life doesn’t stop for the psychic world. How do you think I get any errands done, or knock kinky boots at nighttime?
Henry: Just get it going, would you?
Shawn answers the phone call.
Nadia: I know what you are up to, Shawn.
Shawn: Will, will you all excuse me for a moment?
Shawn Spencer makes his way out.
Driggs: Could somebody tell me what the hell’s going on?
Shawn: What do you want?
Nadia: You’re poking around where you don’t belong, and you have all your facts wrong.
Shawn: Okay, listen. I saw the picture of you in Bolivia.
Shawn starts looking around the police station.
Shawn: You lied to me again. You’re making me question my own judgment here. An hour ago, I accused Gus of trying to rope me into a pyramid scheme.
Nadia: If you need a shoulder to cry on, go buy a goldfish. You have something that’s mine.
Nadia plays with Newton’s Cradle.
Nadia: I want it back.
Shawn tries to associate the clicking sound he is hearing to the objects he’s seeing around the police station.
Shawn: Okay, look, look, look, look, look. I will…I will give you the picture, okay? You have to agree to meet me now. Can I reach you on this phone?
Nadia: Maybe another ten seconds? I’ll find you.
Shawn: No, hold…look, Gus and I are busy. I’m not sure where we’ll be later. Maybe, uh, maybe we should find you.
Nadia: Not gonna happen. I’m gonna give you a location where you can meet me. Don’t change your clothes.
Shawn: Why? Do you like this outfit?
Nadia: No. So I can spot you in a crowd.
Nadia hangs up.
Shawn remembers what makes the clicking sound. He runs down to where the Newton’s Cradle is, but Nadia is already gone. Gus follows Shawn downstairs.
Gus: Who were you just talking to?
Shawn: Nadia, she was in the police station.
Gus: Are you kidding me?
Shawn: So risky. So sexy! She’s really starting to like me.
Gus: She wants to kill you Shawn.
Shawn: Oh, really? Then why did she just make a date with me for tonight?
Gus: A date to kill you. You need to go back up in the room, and tell the feds everything she just said.
Shawn: No, Gus, this is our chance to Bourne it up. I’m Matt Damon, you’re Adewale Akkinuoye-ag…dbajnan.
Gus: that’s not how you say his name.
Shawn: That’s who you are, though.
Gus: Oh, no, I’m not. I’m not gonna be there.
Shawn: It’s too late to recast. The part is yours. Let’s go take down a spy.
Later that night, Shawn Spencer sits on a bench at a park. Nadia walks towards him whispering.
Shawn talks to Nadia still holding up a newspaper.
Shawn: My code name is Dabney Wilhelm. Please call me that.
Nadia sits beside him.
Nadia: I will not.
Shawn: What? Why?
Nadia: Because I know your name is Shawn Spencer. I know you. Code names are for anonymity.
Nadia slaps the newspaper.
Nadia: What’s this?
Shawn: It’s a newspaper.
Nadia: Yes, but why do you have it?
Shawn: It’s a spy thing. It looks like I’m sitting here reading ads about puppies, but really…I’m scooping the perimeter.
Nadia: It’s totally idiotic. It’s nighttime. It’s idiotic. Like the silly coat you’re wearing.
Shawn: You’re so harsh.
Shawn whispers to Gus who is sitting on a bench nearby.
Shawn: Gus, lose the paper.
In a surveillance truck nearby, Juliet, Lassiter, Tom Fong and Agent Driggs listen in to the conversation.
Driggs: What the hell’s he doing in there?
Lassiter: Unfortunately, nothing out of the ordinary.
Tom: Seriously, how long are we gonna let this go on for?
Driggs: Just relax, I wanna see if she’ll hang herself. We might get a confession.
Tom: Sir, we don’t need a confession. We’ve got enough on her going AWOL. With the break-in, we can nail her right now.
At the park, Shawn is still talking to Nadia.
Shawn: All right, let’s cut to the chase, shall we?
Nadia: I want you to trust me, Shawn, because we have a connection.
Lassiter: What is it about Spencer that people see that I don’t?
Driggs: She’s conning him.
Nadia moves closer to Shawn.
Nadia: Let’s cut to the real chase. This is about you and me from the moment we jumped off that pier, we had something. Tell me you believe that I’m innocent, and maybe we could spend some time off the grid. A guy with your abilities, and a girl like me, we could do some damage.
Nadia rubs Shawn’s chest.
Nadia: Yeah. Come on, you don’t have to be shy with me.
Shawn: Stop. Stop it. You’ve been playing with me this whole time. I don’t believe anything you say.
At the surveillance truck, Driggs talks into a radio.
Driggs: Prepare to mobilize. We’re going in. Repeat. We’re about to move-in.
Nadia: So, what if I did this?
Nadia leans in to give Shawn a kiss.
Shawn: I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Nadia. I can’t. It’s just, I’d like to be the Swiss to your ham in one of those croissants at Au Bon Pain, but that just wouldn’t be fair to you.
Nadia: Why is that?
Shawn: Because I trust the croissant more than you.
Nadia: Fine! Why did you even come here? To hear me say that I killed those two Bolivians, and stole the certificates? That I used my skills to steal enough money to live out my days at the Amalfi Coast?
Shawn: What is it with everyone and the Amalfi Coast?
At the surveillance truck, Tom Fong radios in.
Tom: Mobilize all tactical units. Get in there and take the subject down now.
The agents, and Lassiter quickly rush out the van. Lassiter turns to Juliet.
Lassiter: Stay in the van.
The police, and the agents surround Nadia. They agents pull Nadia, and push her to the ground.
Driggs: Good job, men. Agent Fong, take her through processing.
Shawn: I’m sorry, Nadia. I love my country too much.
The agents take Nadia away.
Shawn: My country is America.
Gus: I told you that newspaper thing was a dumb idea.
Shawn: Are you at all serious? We just captured a dangerous international spy. You’re hung up on the newspaper bit?
Juliet O’hara is still in the surveillance truck listening in.
Gus: No, I’m hung up on the fact that you’ve been obsessed with this woman this whole time, she makes the ultimate move on you, and you shut her down. What’s wrong with you? That makes no sense. Are you crazy?
Shawn: I know. It doesn’t make any sense. Maybe I am crazy. All I can tell you is that just now, in that moment, all I could think about was Jules.
Juliet O’Hara is shocked at what she just heard.
Shawn: I just can’t wrap myself around the fact that she’s dating Declan. Actually, it’s actually killing me.
Gus: Shawn, that is not fair.
Shawn: I know. I know it’s not fair, and you’re right. If she likes this guy, who am I to stand in the way?
Shawn: You think I don’t want her to be happy? I want her to be happy. But serious Shawn moment here, I wanna be happy too. For some reason, I can’t imagine that happening without Juliet.
Juliet is once again shocked at what she is hearing.
Shawn: How crazy is that?
Gus: On a scale of one to ten?
Shawn clicks his tongue.
Gus: What? I was gonna say four.
At the police station…
Shawn: I know you all were wondering was it dangerous out there? It was a little touch and go.
Gus: Mostly go.
Shawn: With plenty of touch, and to quote an unlikely source, Mr. William Ocean…
Shawn: When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
Henry: Are we finished?
Shawn: I believe so, feels good. Gus, we good?
Gus: I’m great.
Henry: Great. I’m outta here.
Shawn Spencer’s phone vibrates.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, hold up.
Shawn pulls out a cell phone.
Shawn: This is Nadia’s phone. She must have slipped it in my pocket while she was feeling me up in the park. Something is downloading.
Shawn looks at a picture of Nadia with the suitcase, but behind her a man in a military uniform, and a ski mask pointing a gun at her.
Shawn: Oh my God, she was set up.
Gus: How come the guy with the gun didn’t show up in the security camera photos we saw at Strabinsky’s?
Shawn: Because it wasn’t taken with that camera, Gus. It was taken from the sky. Like from an airplane, or a hot air balloon.
Gus: Or a satellite?
Shawn: Don’t make up crap from the future.
Henry: He’s right. These are the kind of photographs usually taken over occupied territories or foreign embassies.
Gus: That’s why she had to break into the government office. She needed a level three computer so she could access the satellite photos.
Shawn: It’s the only photo that could vindicate her.
Henry: Who’s this? The guy with the gun.
Shawn looks closely at the picture.
Shawn: Two watches?
Flashback ensues. It shows Tom Fong speaking on the phone. More importantly, it shows him wearing two watches.
Tom: Agent Tom Fong. Patch me through to air strike command.
Shawn: Holy crap! It’s Tom Fong.
Henry Spencer picks up the phone.
Henry: Lassiter, this thing isn’t over. Assemble the team. Get a hold of Driggs. We have to find Fong. Driggs has to have a way of tracking him.
Inside a warehouse, Nadia is hung upside down, and Tom Fong stands in front of her. Nadia spits at Tom Fong.
Fong: Eh, you got away from me in Bolivia, Nadia. But that’s over. Now tell me where you hid the certificates.
Nadia: I’ll tell you. Wait. No, I won’t!
Tom Fong slaps her face with the back of his hand.
Fong: I guess it’s gonna get ugly then.
Tom Fong picks up a Taser gun. The police barges in.
Lassiter: Freeze! Drop the weapon, Tom! Freeze, Tom!
Fong: How did you find me?
Shawn: I found Strabinsky twice in one day. You’re asking me how I tracked you down, Jack…Fong.
Driggs: You’re a disgrace to the suit, Tom. Get him outta here.
The agents cuff Tom Fong, and escort him out. Shawn Spencer runs to Nadia who still is hanging.
Shawn: Oh, Nadia. You wanted to get caught in that park. You knew you would. You needed to. You knew you’ve been betrayed, but without knowing who the bad guy was, who could you trust? Me. Because you knew I’d figure it out, and lead everyone here to see it with their own eyes, and you dig me. And you look good upside down as you do right side up. And that can only be said about you, me, and maybe Javier Bardem.
Nadia: No, not Javier Bardem.
Shawn: No, you don’t think so?
Nadia: Jon Stewart.
Shawn: Jon Stewart, really?
Gus pulls Shawn away.
Shawn: I wouldn’t…
Gus: We didn’t find Fong. Driggs did.
Shawn: It’s all semantics, Gus. It’s not semantics at all. Note to self, look up the word “semantics”.
Nadia: Uh, guys, excuse me.
Shawn: Oh, right. Oh, of course. What do we, uh…
Shawn and Gus look up.
Gus: Oh, wow.
Shawn: Oh, that looks complicated. Do you know what he did to your feet to get you up there?
Shawn and Gus drop by Declan’s house.
Declan: Hey, Shawn, Gus. I buzzed you up, like, half an hour ago.
Shawn: We would’ve been here sooner, but we got lost in your topiary maze.
Gus: We just wanted to thank you one more time for sponsoring our case.
Declan: All right. Well, it all worked out so I’m happy to have helped. Well, listen, I was in the middle of bidding on something when you guys rang the bell. It’s up to thirty million so it’s getting slightly heated. They’re waiting for me upstairs on the phone.
Gus: You’re making a phone bid of 30 million US dollars?
Declan: Yeah, I wish. Euros.
Gus: May I?
Declan leads Gus upstairs. Shawn scoffs. Juliet arrives.
Juliet: Hi, why are you standing in Declan’s foyer all by yourself?
Juliet: Sort of.
Juilet: Shawn, you have solved a lot of cases for the SBPD, but this one was particularly impressive. I mean, Bolivian embassies, and international espionage, how did you and Gus do it all by yourself?
Shawn: Well, I’m not gonna lie to you, Jules. It was difficult, but now that it’s over, I’m ready to put “freelance spy” on my list of special skills.
Juliet: Well, here’s a mystery you can solve for me. Yesterday, I came here after work, and I found three crème brulee dishes by Declan’s computer. Any idea who could’ve eaten all those?
Shawn: Mmm, I would say that Declan has an enormous sweet tooth, and that shouldn’t be ignored, Jules. Sugar is a gateway drug.
Juliet: Hmm. Well, I guess then it will remain an open case.
Shawn: I guess so.
Juliet: Well, I was just about to head out, and do some shopping for the trip.
Shawn: Right! The trip, of course, uh, yeah, have a…have a great four days off, Jules.
Juliet: It’s two weeks, Shawn.
Shawn: Wow, that’s lengthy. That’s significant. That’s a real amount of vacation time. Have an amazing trip. Okay? Promise me. Because you know, they say, that these kind of trips are once-in-a-lifetime experience, and that they’re even better when you have someone you care about to share them with, and you do. Take lots of pictures. Not of sights. Don’t take pictures of buildings. Take pictures of moments. That’s what matters. Capture them here.
Shawn points to his head.
Shawn: And hold on to them here. At least that’s what I would do. I don’t know you might take blurry photos of your espresso at some random café.
Juliet O’Hara kisses Shawn Spencer on the lips. The two makes out for quite a while then Juliet pulls away. Declan and Gus arrive.
Declan: Hey, Bunny! Bunny, hey! Aw, we’re not gonna have to worry anymore about that hotel in Amalfi being all booked up.
Juliet: Oh, yeah? Why’s that?
Declan: Because I just bought it. Oh, yeah!
Declan gives Juliet a hug, and kisses her on the cheek.
Shawn: Well, good luck with that, Man. If Gus and I ever make it out that way, we’ll look forward to stealing some towels.
Declan: I’m gonna have them monogrammed.
Shawn and Gus make their way to the door. Shawn looks at Juliet just before heading out.
Juliet giggles. Declan walks away. Juliet looks at Shawn who still is standing at the door. Juliet looks confused.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “One, Maybe Two, Ways Out” episode was written by Andy Berman and Todd Harthan. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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