DINNER AT THE CRANES’ ALREADY IN PROGRESS
Frasier is hosting a party at his house when a woman slaps him on the face.
Frasier: Mimsy, wait! Please? I can explain!
Mimsy: Oh, don’t bother. And I bet you don’t even have Tourette’s syndrome!
Frasier: Poop! Hell! Damn!
Somebody throws a bouquet of flowers at Frasier.
The chef angrily hands Frasier Crane lobsters.
Chef: Lose my number!
Frasier: Chef Etienne! Oh, dear God.
Niles: I hope you’re happy.
Frasier: Me? You’re the one who suggested that flaming kabobs might lend a festive air.
Niles: I didn’t know Ben Corbett’s toupee would go up like that.
Daphne: Oh, quiet. Both of you. It’s done.
Marty Crane comes out of his bedroom wearing a tuxedo, and a sash.
Marty: Buon giorno!
Niles: Party’s over, Dad.
Marty: What? You mean, I’m not the count anymore?
Niles: Afraid not.
Frasier: Why is it that we can’t seem to pull off a simple dinner party?
Marty: Because you always go overboard.
Frasier: Yes, but this one was bare bones! Simplicity itself.
Daphne Moon steps out of the kitchen holding a tray.
Daphne: One of your goats just threw up in the kitchen.
The goat bleats.
IT’S A CHANDELIER
Niles: Oh, hello.
Niles Crane enters his house, and finds two workers working on his chandelier.
Niles: How goes the installation?
Worker #1: Well, we had to put in a transformer for he DC, so after we pull the wire, brace the beam, she’ll be ready to roll.
Niles steps away from the workers.
Niles: Daphne! Daphne!
Niles walks up to Daphne, and gives her a kiss.
Niles: You know the Mike Shaw painting that I’m donating to the museum? Frasier suggested we throw a farewell dinner party for it. We’ve invited some fellow collectors.
Daphne: Um, Niles, I’ve been thinking. Come and sit down, darling. Maybe it’s time you stopped throwing dinner parties with your brother.
Daphne: You don’t exactly have the best track record.
Niles: Well, throwing dinner parties is an, is an art. It takes time to perfect.
Niles tries to say something, but Daphne interrupts him.
Daphne: No, it has to stop. Maybe you and I should try throwing a party together.
Niles: You and me? It’s such a big step. Are you sure? Maybe it’s time we entertained as a couple.
Daphne: Oh, thank you darling.
Daphne gives Niles a kiss.
Worker #1: Excuse me. It’s after 4 o’clock. What if I finish this tomorrow?
Niles: Well, I suppose…
Daphne: Oh no, you don’t. You said one day when I hired you, and that’s what it’s gonna be. So get cracking, ‘cause something’s gonna be hanging from that rafter by the end of the day.
The worker looks scared.
Worker #1: Yes, ma’am.
The worker walks away.
Niles: Daphne, you handled that so masterfully as if he weren’t wearing that authoritative tool belt at all.
Niles Crane arrives at Café Nervosa and goes over to Frasier’s table.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, Niles. Thank goodness you’re here. I am simply percolating with party ideas.
Niles: Listen. Have you thought of inviting the artist himself?
Frasier: He lives in town, you know?
Niles: Yes, I extended an invitation through his gallery, but he declined.
Frasier: Oh, that’s too bad. Well, then, I have come up with the perfect entertainment for our little art crowd. It’s a radical tableau vivant troupe.
Niles just stares blankly at Frasier.
Frasier: I don’t know, but they do provide smocks and shower caps so we’re covered.
Niles: Frasier, Daphne and I are throwing the party.
Frasier is silent.
Frasier: Daphne. Ah, fine. Suit yourself. It’s your painting. I suppose I could just whip my signature dish.
Niles: Daphne’s handling the food.
Frasier: Lovely. So, you’ll be serving those sad brown chunks that make their way from plate to napkin bypassing mouth completely.
Niles: It’s called “Piccadilly Beef”, and I talked her out of it, thank God. The whole thing’s being catered. We’re having Cornish game hens wild rice stuffing, wonderful sides, and all heat and serve.
Frasier: Stuffing. Lovely.
Niles: I think you’d be happy to be a guest for once.
Frasier: Just a guest! In my brother’s home. I’ve never been just a guest before. Before, I always felt like family.
As Frasier prepares to leave, Daphne arrives.
Frasier: Oh, look, here she is now. The hostess with the mostest.
Daphne: I see Niles told you.
Frasier: Yes. I’m sorry. I won’t be attending your debut soiree, Daphne. I hope that doesn’t throw off your seating plan.
Daphne: It’s going to be a buffet.
Frasier: Buffet! Well, if you should need any help you know my phone number.
Frasier makes his way to the door.
Niles: Number 3 on speed dial.
Frasier: Number 3. Interesting.
Daphne is at her kitchen preparing dinner.
Roz: I can’t believe how calm you are. I’d be a nervous wreck by now.
Daphne: Well, I was nervous at first, but every step I thought, “How would Frasier and Niles do this?” And didn’t do that.
Gertrude: Daphne, I’m home!
Daphne: Coming, Mom!
Daphne steps out of the kitchen, and on to the living room.
Daphne: Where’s the video? I thought you were going to rent Castaway.
Gertrude: If I wanted to watch someone talk to a volleyball for two hours, I would have stayed in Manchester with your Aunt Evelyn.
Daphne: Well, what were you gonna do all night?
Gertrude: Oh, you need not worry about me. I’m gonna watch a boxing match on pay-per-view. Ooh, there’s nothing like two, great, sweaty beasts beating each other senseless. I miss your father.
Roz: Come on, Alice. It’s time to put away your crayons.
Alice pulls up a paper.
Alice: Lookit. I wrote my name really big.
Roz: Oh, let’s see.
Alice goes through a stack of paper.
Alice: There and there and there and there!
Alice points at the painting on the easel. Roz Doyle gasps.
Roz: Oh, my God! Alice?! Oh, Daphne, I’m so sorry.
Daphne: Oh, it’s not to worry. It’ll come out.
Daphne Moon scrubs Alice’s name out of the painting.
Daphne: It’s only a little crayon.
Roz: That’s worse.
Daphne: I can handle this. Niles has an art restorer he uses all the time. I’ll get his card.
Alice: I’m sorry, Mommy.
Roz: I know, Honey. But from now on, just only sign your own artwork, okay?
Alice: ‘Cause mine is prettier.
Roz Doyle at the painting.
Daphne makes her way back to the living room.
Daphne: Here’s his business card.
Roz: Okay, I’ll run it right over.
Roz takes the damaged painting.
Daphne: Just tell him it’s an emergency. We’re very good customers. Oh!
Daphne takes Alice’s artwork, and puts it on the easel.
Daphne: I’m just glad Niles isn’t here. He doesn’t take these things in his stride like I do.
Daphne puts a cover over the painting.
Daphne: There. Another fire put out.
Smoke comes out of the kitchen.
Daphne: Oh, my God! The hens.
Daphne, Roz and Alice run to the kitchen.
Roz: Oh, my God!
Daphne: Okay, don’t panic. I can handle this.
Daphne opens the oven, and takes out the burning hens. Roz puts a wet towel over it to extinguish the fire.
Roz: Oh, look at that. Daphne, now what are you going to do?
Daphne: Ah well, I can’t call the caterer. They were doing a big party, and we were their last stop.
Roz: Oh, I know. Call Frasier. He’s got to know some caterers.
Daphne: Well, he was upset that I took over his job as Lord Mayor of Party Town, but he did offer his help. I hope he meant it. Go, take the painting.
Roz: Yes. Come on, Alice. Good luck.
Daphne Moon gives Frasier a call.
Frasier: Daphne, you’re never going to get a caterer at this late hour. But don’t worry, I think I can solve your little problem. I’ll be right there.
Frasier Crane hangs up.
Frasier: As usual, Frasier has to save the day.
Marty: As usual, Martin has to hear about it.
Frasier Crane takes out a pan of hens he has been cooking in the oven.
Frasier: Suit up, boys. We’re going in.
SOMEONE’S IN THE KITCHEN WITH DAPHNE
Frasier: All right, I need a full rundown of the situation.
Daphne: Well, I think I told you about the hens.
Daphne: Which I burned.
Daphne: Um, I’m hoping we have enough ice, and…
Daphne: I probably shouldn’t have dressed the salad this afternoon.
Daphne: But I’m pretty sure the soup is okay.
Frasier goes over to the pot of soup still simmering, and sniffs it.
Frasier: White wine. Frasier gulps the white wine.
Daphne: What do you think? Will we make it?
Frasier: I won’t lie to you, Daphne. It’s bad.
Daphne: I feel so stupid. I made a big deal about telling Niles how I could handle this on my own.
Frasier: All right, all right, listen. He doesn’t have to know. If you just keep him out of my way, I will gladly play your invisible little kitchen elf.
Daphne: You would do that for me?
Frasier: Well, of course, Daphne.! Now, listen, I’ve brought everything I need to make my signature pomegranate-honey sauce, all right? I will need a ramekin for each of your guests.
Daphne shows Frasier the ramekin.
Daphne: Here we are.
Frasier: Oh, dear, this is bad.
Frasier: Well, there are two that are mismatched. It’s all right if they’re all mismatched or…or even in pairs, but two? It’s just unheard of.
Daphne: Oh, my God, it’s Niles. What should we do?
Frasier: Don’t worry. I’m right in here.
Frasier hides in the closet. Niles enters the kitchen.
Niles: Ah, sorry I’m late. You look beautiful.
Niles: I had the worst time finding miniature easels for the table.
Daphne: Oh, but it was worth it.
Niles: I think so. The place looks lovely, and the new chandelier is absolutely spectacular. But why is the painting covered?
Daphne: Well, because I thought a proper unveiling would be an event. We’ll do it after dinner.
Niles: Oh, oh, why don’t we do it after cocktails? It’ll make for lively dinner conversation.
Daphne: Trust me. After will be better. And by the way, the kitchen is off-limits to you. You’ve already slowed me down.
Niles: Well, someone’s tediously punctual. Shall we?
Daphne: Ah, I’ll be right out.
Niles Crane steps out of the kitchen to get the door. Daphne opens the closet, and Frasier comes out.
Frasier: You know, if he had any resourcefulness at all, he would know that tiny easels abound at Liliputiana Dollhouse and Miniatures.
Frasier Crane gives Marty Crane a call.
Frasier: Dad…right. Listen, I need you to do me a favor. I want you to get me my ramekins, all right, and then bring them here, but come in the back way, so Niles doesn’t see you. No, ramekins. Well, they’re small, round, ceramic dishes. I keep them in the lower left-hand kitchen cabinet. All right, no, no, no, those are tapas dishes. Right, those are for soy sauce. Oh, honestly, Dad. You know sometimes I don’t think you listen to me. I—I said sometimes I don’t think you…No, I said sometimes I—I see what you’re doing.
Woman guest: Are we the first to arrive?
Niles: Oh, you are refreshingly on time.
Daphne: How about some drinks?
Gertrude: Don’t mind me. I’m just down to nick a bottle of the good stuff.
Gertrude Moon grabs a bottle of alcohol.
Gertrude: They normally hide it from me.
Daphne: This is my mother, Gertrude Moon.
Niles: Yes, Antonia, and Alex.
Gertrude, Antonia and Alex: Hello. Nice to meet you.
Daphne: Oh, Mum, as long as you’re going upstairs, take the coats.
Daphne hands the coats to her mother.
Alex: Is this the Mike Shaw painting?
Alex: I’m dying to see it.
Daphne: Oh, oh, sorry. No peeking. You’ll have to wait until the unveiling.
Alex: That sounds like a challenge. You’re gonna have to watch me like a hawk.
Daphne: Won’t that be fun?
There’s a loud clatter in the kitchen.
Niles: What was that?
Daphne: Don’t worry, Niles, that’s my domain.
Niles: all right.
Alex tries to take a peek at the covered painting.
Daphne: Why don’t you take our gust on a tour of the library?
Niles: Oh, all right. This way. This way.
Antonia: Is it true that you still collect Edwardian utility bills?
Niles: Oh, yes. They’re fascinating. For example, did you know that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was a notorious water hog? But you don’t have to take my word for it.
Antonia looks at Alex showing disinterest.
Daphne is at the kichen.
Frasier steps out of the closet.
Frasier: I dropped a pan; everything’s all right.
Daphne gestures for Frasier Crane to go inside the closet.
Frasier: For God sakes, all right.
Gertrude: I’m having trouble ordering the boxing match. I don’t understand. This never happens with the nudie programming.
Daphne: Give it here.
Daphne grabs the phone from her mother. The doorbell rings.
Daphne: Oh, damn. You answer that, Ill take care of this.
Gertrude Moon gets the door.
Daphne: You can come out now.
Frasier Crane comes out of the closet.
Frasier: Honestly, Daphne, if these interruptions don’t stop, my signature sauce will be reduced to a monogram. I’m using humor to make a point, hmm?
Gertrude Moon gets the door.
Gertrude: Hello. I’m Daphne’s Mum.
Bill: I’m Bill.
Bill prepares to shake Gertrude’s hand.
Gertrude: Oh, don’t bother. I’m just letting you in.
Another guest arrives right behind Bill’s wife.
Old man: Hi. Is this the Crane place? I’m Mike Shaw.
Bill: Mr. Shaw, we though we were just going to see your painting. We didn’t realize you were coming.
Mike: That was just a last minute thing. Uh, call me Mike.
Gertrude walks up to the man, and affectionately takes his hand.
Gertrude: Mike. Hello. I’m Gertrude.
Bill: I’m Bill Tallarino, and this is my wife, Sharon Kwiatkowski-Tallarino.
Sharon shakes Mike Shaw’s hand.
Sharon: May I just say that you are our greatest living American artist, bar none.
Bill: Bar none.
A cell phone rings.
Bill: Excuse me.
Mike Shaw walks over to Gertrude Moon.
Mike: Is there anything worse than making phony conversation with phony art lovers?
Gertrude: Yes. Living with one. My son-in-law is the host. And if you didn’t want your bum kissed, you shouldn’t have come. That’s all they do here.
Mike: I wasn’t going to come, but my gallery insisted.
Gertrude: Oh well, I am going to be upstairs watching a boxing match should you feel the need to get away.
Mike: Well, I probably shouldn’t, but maybe just the first round.
Gertrude: All right, then.
Mike: You wouldn’t have anything to drink up there, would you?
Gertrude: Just liquor.
Mike Shaw follows Gertrude Moon to her bedroom without being seen by Niles Crane who had just stepped out of the library with Antonia and Alex.
Niles: So, it actually took George Bernard Shaw longer to rectify his billing error than it did for him to write Man and Superman.
Antonia: That’s great. Are those the drinks?
The doorbell rings. Niles gets the door.
Niles: Oh, excuse me. Bill and Sharon.
Niles waves at Bill and Sharon. Niles opens the door.
Niles: Thad and Jeremy, welcome.
Thad: Where’s your better half?
Niles: Oh, ah, here she is now.
Daphne enters the living room.
Thad: Oh, I meant Frasier.
Niles: Ah, he he he. My brother’s not coming this evening.
Jeremy: But he’s always, always, always at your parties: Frasier and yellowtail carpaccio. Has the world gone mad?
Niles: Not yet. We still have carpaccio.
Daphne laughs. She turns around, and sees Alex trying to get a peek at Mike Shaw’s painting.
Daphne: You’ve got two choices. You can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.
Gertrude had just arrived at the living room.
Daphne: Mother, coats.
Gertrude: Yes, Master.
Sharon walks over to Niles.
Sharon: Niles, we are so sorry, we have to go; we have a baby-sitter.
Thad: No, that’s terrible.
Bill: The worst part is, we’re going to miss dinner with Mike Shaw. I can’t believe you got that old hermit to come.
Bill shakes Niles’ hand.
Niles: Mike, Mike Shaw is here?
Niles: Where, where is he?
Bill: He must have wandered off. I mean he’s not at all like I pictured him—older guy, white hair, cane. I think he’s wearing a plaid flannel shirt. He’s quite a character.
Everyone is excited upon learning that Mike Shaw will be joining them to dinner. Niles looks around.
Marty Crane arrives through the back door.
Marty: Here you go.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, finally.
Marty: If you had said nut bowls, I would have gotten them right off.
Frasier: Yes, yes, all right. Now, listen. I need you to run to the grocery store for me, and pick up some sel de mer, some olive tapenade, balsamic vinegar and some English Stilton cheese. Have we got that?
Marty: You lost me after Sally’s mare.
Frasier: All right, fine. I’ll write it down.
Niles: Coming right up.
Daphne: Niles, no.
Frasier: Oh, Dad, hid in there!
Frasier runs out the back door. Marty Crane makes his way inside the closet.
Niles: Oh, Dad! Oh, I thought so. What are you doing here?
Marty: I just brought some dishes over.
Daphne Moon runs to the kitchen.
Daphne: You’re not supposed to be in the kitchen, honey.
Niles: I don’t know what happened, and I don’t want to know how it happened, but somehow, our guests are all under the impression that Dad is Mike Shaw.
Niles: He’s the artist—the painter of the painting that everyone is here to see. What are we gonna do?
Daphne: It’s not a problem. We’ll just take your father out the back door, and make up an excuse.
Daphne leads Marty out the back door while Niles has his back turned, but sees that Frasier is hiding in there.
Daphne: Better yet, we’ll take him out the front door. That way, people can see him leave.
Niles: Uh, okay. You know zero about art; don’t say a word or these people will see right through you. Yeah, I’m sure a phony will really stand out at this party.
Niles, Marty, and Daphne step out of the kitchen.
Antonia: Oh, this must be Mr. Shaw.
Niles: I, I have very bad news. Mr. Shaw is not feeling well, so he has to leave.
Everybody: Oh, no.
Antonia: Oh, oh, I can’t…I can’t let you go without getting your autograph.
Antonia pulls out a piece of paper.
Antonia: And if you could draw something on it.
Marty: Actually, I do a pretty good rocket.
Niles: No, no, Antonia, Mr. Shaw’s not giving away art. Just write Mike Shaw. Now, isn’t that nice. Okay, and there you go. That’s for you. Come along. Cone along.
Alex: Please, just say a few words about The Dry wit of the Sandwich Maker.
Alex begins to unveil the art when Daphne pushes him. Alex falls on the couch.
Daphne: Who wants another tour?
Thad: Oh, I do.
Niles whispers to Marty Crane.
Niles: Get out.
Daphne: All right. Niles, why don’t we show them he secret passageway.
Niles: Oh, what a good idea.
Daphne: Come on the.
The doorbell rings.
Niles: I’ll catch up with you.
Niles whispers to Daphne.
Niles: Don’t let them in the panic room.
Niles opens the door, and the ice sculpture he ordered is wheeled in.
Niles: I’d almost given up on you. Oh, it’s lovely.
Delivery Boy: Thanks, if you don’t mind, I find it’s best to get paid while there’s still evidence.
Niles: Ah yes, of course, of course. I’ll tell you what, if you’ll just wheel it over there by the dining rotunda I’ll be right with you.
Gertrude Moon steps out of her bedroom followed by Mike Shaw.
Gertrude: The coast is clear. Come on, let’s get a bottle of champagne, and go back up.
Delivery Boy: Hey, you’re Mike Shaw. I studied you in art school. You’re a major influence.
Mike Shaw shakes the delivery boy’s hand.
Mike: That’s very flattering.
Gertrude: Now, shall we get back upstairs for round three?
Mike: Uh, she’s talking about the fight. Of course, the night is still young.
Gertrude and Mike make their way back to the bedroom.
Niles: And here…and that…and here you go…and…thank you.
Niles hands the check to the delivery boy.
Delivery Boy: No, thank you. I just met one of my heroes—Mike Shaw.
Niles: Oh, yes. In the hall?
Delivery Boy: No, right here.
Niles: Don’t tell me—white hair, cane, plaid shirt, character.
The delivery boy confirms through his facial expression. Marty Crane arrives through the back door.
Marty: I forgot the list.
Niles: Mr. Shaw?
Frasier: Oh, for God’s sake.
Frasier hides in the closet. Niles enters the kitchen.
Niles: Dad, you’re not supposed to be here.
Marty: Niles, you’re not supposed to be here.
Daphne Moon runs to the kitchen.
Daphne: Niles, you’re not supposed to be here.
Jeremy and Thad enter the kitchen.
Jeremy: And what’s in here?
Thad: Oh, Mr. Shaw, you came back.
Marty: I, uh…felt better.
Thad: Then you must talk to us about your work. We’re collectors, you know.
Marty: Oh, but this is a party. I, uh…I…art all the time.
Thad: Come on. Let’s get you another drink.
Jeremy: Fun party. It’s nice to see you step out of Frasier’s shadow. I think he might have been holding you back.
Niles: Okay, I have to get out there before Dad says something stupid. Let’s get these hens browning so we can eat as soon as possible.
Niles Crane tastes the sauce simmering in the pan.
Niles: Mmm…that’s Frasier’s signature sauce except it’s so much better. Mmmm, I think you should send him the recipe.
Niles Crane steps out of the kitchen. An angry Frasier Crane comes out of the closet.
Frasier: I’m holding him back. Your sauce is better than mine. Honestly, I don’t even know why I try. I stand her slaving over a hot stove, and for what? Does anybody appreciate me? No.
Daphne runs over to the phone. Roz Doyle is still at the restorers.
Roz: Are you getting close, Mr. Slovadkin?
Mr. Slovadkin: These things take time, Miss. Who do you think I am? That mouse in the cartoons that goes fast? What’s his name?
Roz: Speedy Gonzalez.
Mr. Slovadkin: No. The little mouse, with a big hat, and he goes very fast.
Roz: That’s Speedy Gonzalez.
Mr. Slovadkin: No. The mouse…
Roz’ cell phone rings.
Mr. Slovadkin: This is going to drive me crazy.
Roz: Hello? I have no idea. Can’t you just stall dinner for a little while? All right. Don’t yell.
Roz hands the phone to Mr. Slovadkin.
Roz: My friend wants to talk to you, Mr. Slovadkin.
Mr. Slovadkin: Oh, it’s very small.
Mr. Slovadkin takes the cell phone.
Mr. Slovadkin: I’m going as fast as I can. I’m not that little mouse that goes zip all around. What’s his name? No. That’s what she said. He’s a mouse.
At Niles Crane’s living room, they are all gathered around Marty Crane whom all the guests still think to be Mike Shaw.
Jeremy: What impresses me the most is the way you reinvent identity while recording anonymity.
Marty: Well, that took years to get down.
All: Sure. Sure.
Thad: Come on. Tell us. What do you think of Warhol?
Antonia: It is so refreshing to have someone speak so candidly.
Marty: And you have to believ eme ‘cause I’m a fancy-ass artist.
Everybody laughs. Niles feigns a laugh. He takes a sip.
Man: Oh, hey, I know…why don’t you take us through the house, and tell us what you think of Niles’ art.
All: Oh, yes, please.
Marty: Sure. I’ve been waiting to do that for a long time.
Daphne and Frasier are in the kitchen.
Daphne: You can’t brown the hens yet.
Frasier: If we wait any longer, their skins will wrinkle, and my sauce will separate. Is that what you want?
Daphne: Is that what you want?
Frasier: Damn it.
Frasier Crane hides inside the closet. Niles enters the kitchen.
Daphne: You’re not supposed to be in here!!!
Niles scared of his wife walks backwards out of the kitchen. He peeps through the door.
Daphne: I’m sorry. Dad’s run amok.
Niles: Oh, why aren’t the hens browning.
Daphne: Because they’re not ready yet.
Niles: But they look ready.
Daphne: Yes, well they’re not.
Niles: We’ll just serve them as is.
Daphne: You can’t. They’re not browned.
Niles goes over to the closet where Frasier is hiding. Daphne runs to the closet to stop him.
Niles: I’m going to get a platter.
Daphne: Don’t open that door.
Niles opens the door, and sees Frasier hiding inside it.
Daphne closes the door. Niles opens the door. Daphne shuts the door.
Niles: Stop that. I already saw him. What are you doing here?
Frasier: I am saving your party, that’s what I’m doing.
Frasier Crane steps out of the closet.
Niles: You don’t have to explain. Frasier’s presence here is clearly why this party’s gone awry.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, if that’s what you think, then I will gladly take my signature sauce and go.
Niles: Your signature sauce.
Frasier: And that reminds me. You won’t be needing to use my poultry shears.
Niles: Oh, it’s already here.
Niles grabs the pan that Frasier is holding.
Frasier: This is mine.
Niles: No, it—it’s on my property.
Daphne: Oh, stop it! Stop it, both of you!
Frasier lets go of the pan, and the sauce comes flying on Niles.
Niles slides out of the kitchen all covered in red sauce followed by Frasier holding a poultry knife.
Niles: What have you done?
Frasier: I’m not sorry. You’ve been asking for this for years.
The guests are appalled.
Daphne: Oh no. It’s not what you think.
Daphne swipes her finger on the sauce that covered Niles, and licks her finger.
Daphne: See? Yummy.
Niles: No, no, it’s sauce. We, we just had a little kitchen mishap. We’ll just get this cleaned up.
Marty Crane pulls the sheet that covers Mike Shaw’s supposed painting.
Marty: Here. Wipe it on this.
Niles: Thanks, Dad.
Alex points at the painting just as Marty’s back is turned from him.
Alex: That is no Mike Shaw.
They all look at Alice’s artwork.
Niles: What happened to my painting?
Thad: Did you know about this Mike?
Mike: I may have.
Daphne: Oh, give it up, Martin. This isn’t Mike Shaw. It’s Niles’ father.
Alex: What are you trying to pull, Crane?
Jeremy: This is uncomfortable. We should go.
Daphne: No, no, please, listen to me. Listen. Yes, there’s been some deception, and things got out of hand, but no real harm has been done. I’ve made some mistakes. People make mistakes, but that’s no reason to abandon them. This night can still be a success. We’ve got the food, and you’re all here, and when I tell you about what happened, we’ll all have a good laugh about it. So, please, everybody stay?
All: All right. All right.
Daphne: Oh, thank you.
Niles: Well done, Daphne.
There’s a loud creaking. The chandelier starts to sway. The ceiling starts to give. The chandelier falls on the floor followed by the whole bed.
Gertrude Moon and Mike Shaw come out under the pile of coats.
Daphne: All right. Get your coats.
The guests take their coats. Frasier Crane walks over to Daphne.
Frasier: Daphne…congratulations. You’re now officially a Crane.
Later, Niles is walking down the stairs, and makes his way to the door past the bed that’s still on the living room. He looks up the hole, and yells. His brief case is thrown down the hole. He mouths “Thank you!” He steps out the door.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Daphne Does Dinner” episode was written by Heide Perlman. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Previous Frasier Transcript: Lilith Needs a Favor
Next Frasier Transcript: Trophy Girlfriend
More Frasier Transcripts
- Downton Abbey
- House of Cards
- Mad Men
- McLeod's Daughters
- Mr. Selfridge
- Orphan Black
- Pushing Daisies
- Remington Steele
- The Tudors
- Three's Company
- White Collar
- Wild Card
- Canceled TV Show
- TV Show Trivia
- TV Show News
- TV Quotes
- Watch Full Episodes