A woman walks down the staircase of a mansion, and finds her boss with his bimbo.
Woman: Dex. Excuse me. Um, they’re waiting for a final decision about the cover.
The woman shows Dex illustration boards with pictures of playboy models.
Dex: Ah, all right. Well, what do you think, darlin’?
Amber: Um, that one.
Dex: And which one would you pick if it was you on the cover?
Amber: That one.
Dex: We’ll take that one. And make sure there are more girls here tonight. Last week was like a stag party. This is paradise on earth, remember?
Amber: It’s taken care off.
Elliot approaches Dex.
Dex: Elliot, you’re early. The party doesn’t kick in till midnight.
Elliot: Dexter, I’m not here for the party.
Dex: Amber, this is, uh, Elliot D’Souza, Chief Financial Officer for Dharman Publishing. You know, which means, technically, this pencil pusher is my boss.
Elliot: Dex, we have to talk…privately.
Dex: Go wait by the pool.
Dex gives Amber a kiss. Dex and Elliot goes to his office.
Elliot: Dex, I made a decision. I wanted you to hear it from me. The magazine is hemorrhaging dollars. It just isn’t paying for itself. It’s not your fault. The whole industry is shrinking. It’s the Internet. It’s videos…
Dex: Sapphire magazine is more than a magazine. It’s a way of life.
Elliot: Well, that may be true, but the corporation just can’t carry you and this fantasy world anymore, so I’ve decided to pull the plug.
Dex: So, that’s it, huh?
Elliot: I’m afraid so.
Dex: Hey, it was fun while it lasted. Actually, I’m surprised you waited this long. Listen, Elliot. Can you do me a favor, one last favor? Don’t make any announcement for a day or so. This is our anniversary party. Let me enjoy the weekend.
Elliot: Of course.
Dex: And that means you can’t tell anybody. Those bastards on the board never could keep a secret.
Elliot: Yes, I understand. It can wait until Monday.
Dex: Are you sure that you don’t wanna stay?
Elliot: No, no, thank you.
Dex: Oh, I know, I know. You’re goin’ home. Asleep by midnight, up at seven, work out for thirty-five minutes, my…Elliot, you are so…predictable. You should stick around. Have some fun.
Elliot: I’m gonna pass, Dexter.
Elliot starts to make his way to the door.
Dex: It’s gonna be a hell of a party. You know me. I’m going out with a bang.
Elliot leaves. Later, he is at his condominium working out when the phone starts to ring. He puts the phone on speaker.
Dex: Elliot, it’s Dex. Is this a bad time?
Elliot: No, I’m in the gym. How was the party?
Dex: It must have been great. I don’t remember a thing. Uh, listen. I was wondering if you’d reconsider your decision.
Elliot: No, I’m afraid not, Dex.
Dex: Aw, come on. What about keeping the mansion open? Just the mansion. We could rent it out.
Elliot starts lifting weights.
Elliot: Dex. Dex, don’t even ask. The place is drowning in red ink. We’re gonna have to sell it.
Dex: Is that your final decision?
Elliot: I’m afraid so, Dexter.
Dex: Okay, it’s you’re funeral.
Elliot: Dexter, let’s not be so dramatic, shall we?
Elliot lifts the barbell but then suddenly he loses control over it, and it starts to choke him. Elliot struggles to push the barbell, but miserably fails.
Sharona Fleming is giving Adrian Monk a haircut at his house. The floor is covered with newspaper, and the furniture with tarp.
Monk: Not too much off the top, just an eighth of an inch.
Sharona: I know.
Monk: Okay, I wanna look rugged, but not too macho.
Sharona: Don’t worry. You’re not gonna look too macho.
Monk: It’s a little long.
Sharona: You know, this was not in my job description. What happened to your regular barber?
Monk: I don’t know. Every time I go there, it’s closed.
Sharona: I wonder why.
Monk: Last time I went, I thought I saw him in the back room. But I guess it couldn’t have been him.
Adrian Monk looks at a strand of hair that Sharona had cut.
Monk: See? You’re—you’re still long. You see that? That’s three-sixteenths.
Sharona: Adrian, these are very sharp scissors. Don’t piss me off.
The phone rings.
Sharona: I’ll get that.
Sharona Fleming picks up the phone.
Sharona: Adrian Monk’s office. Uh-huh.
Sharona Fleming turns to Adrian Monk, and whispers.
Sharona: It’s a job. Yeah, ten o’clock tomorrow is fine.
Monk: Make it eleven thirty. It’s trash day.
Sharona: Ten o’clock. We’ll be there.
The next day, Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk steps out of the elevator. A woman immediately approaches them.
Diane: Mr. Monk? And you…you must be Sharona. Uh, thank you for coming.
Diane Luden starts shaking their hands.
Diane: I’m Diane Luden. I am…
Diane Luden continues to shake Adrian Monk’s hand.
Diane: I was Elliot D’Souza’s assistant.
Sharona Fleming hands Adrian Monk a wipe, and he immediately wipes his hands with it.
Diane: I’m sorry. Wasn’t I supposed to shake hands? You’re the first private detective I ever met.
Sharona: Oh, no, no. Don’t worry. It’s not you. It’s him.
Diane: Please, come in.
Diane Luden enters the living room followed by Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming.
Monk: Uh, Ms. Luden, the elevator we just took, that’s obviously a private elevator.
Diane: That’s right. It comes straight up to the penthouse. Um, I found him Sunday morning. He was in there in his private gym.
Sharona: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We heard about it on the news. They said he had a heart attack.
Diane: Well, that’s what they thought at first, but they did an autopsy, and it wasn’t a heart attack. He was lifting an eighty pound barbell and, and they think it must have slipped and crushed hi windpipe.
Adrian Monk looks out the window. Sharona goes over to him.
Sharona: You okay?
Monk: Uh, the sign in front of that hotel…they misspelled “Kiwanis”.
Sharona: You mean that sign five blocks away? What, you want me to go down there and have them fix it?
Monk: No, no, you don’t have to do that. Maybe we could call them?
Sharona Fleming closes the blinds.
Sharona: There. Sign’s fixed.
Monk: Ms. Ludn, um, why exactly did you call?
Diane: Mr. Monk, I think Elliot was murdered.
Sharona: Why would you say that?
Diane: For the past two years, he and Dexter Larsen have been threatening each other.
Sharona: Dexter Larsen?
Monk: Dexter Lar…with…with…with the naked…
Diane: Elliot published Sapphire magazine. He was thinking of shutting it down. Dexter was pretty angry.
Monk: That certainly could be a motive. Could we look at this private gym?
Diane Luden shows them the private gym.
Diane: He was right there. It was horrible. The barbell was still on his neck.
Monk: Is this exactly the way the room was when you found him?
Diane: Yes, sir. I wouldn’t let the paramedics touch a thing.
Monk: Good, good. And he was alone, and the door was locked?
Diane: That’s right.
Monk: From the inside?
Diane: That’s right.
Monk: Hmm. Clock is slow. Forty minutes. Something strange about this room.
Monk: I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s something. Is this his briefcase?
Diane: Yes, he always had it with him. And uh, this floppy was in there. This was his final recommendation.
Sharona: What’d it say?
Diane: I don’t know. When I tried to open it, it was blank, like somebody erased it.
Monk: Why would they do that?
Adrian Monk inspects the room. He straightens out a magazine.
Diane: Oh, that was from last year. They ran a profile on Elliot in the magazine page fifty-three.
Monk: Page fifty-three.
Adrian Monk slowly opens the pornographic magazine, and quickly shuts it.
Monk: Five-three. Five-three.
Adrian Monk turns his eyes away from the magazine, and starts humming.
Diane: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk continues to hum.
Sharona: He is now.
Adrian Monk looks at the magazine, and drops it on the floor.
Monk: Wipe. Wipe.
Sharona Fleming hands Adrian Monk a pack of wipes.
Later, Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are talking to Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Stottlemeyer: That assistant, she called you.
Sharona: Mm-hmm. Diane Luden.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I gave her your name. I figured you’d collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Monk: Actually, I think she might be on to something.
Sharona: We’d like to look at the official file.
Stottlemeyer: Look, there is no D’Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
Disher: He was alone in his apartment on the thirty-fifth floor.
Monk: I know.
Disher: There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Monk: I know.
Stottlemeyer: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Monk: I know.
Sharona: Are you gonna be cooperating on this or not?
Stottlemeyer: If you two wanna go tilting at windmills, be my guests. But this time, Monk, you’re on your own.
Monk: Okay, forget it. Let’s go. What’s on your first stop?
Sharona: Sapphire Mansion. We have an appointment.
Disher: Sapphire Mansion? You have an appointment?
Monk: Yes. Elliot D’Souza controlled that magazine. He was about to pull the plug on Dexter Larsen. I think Larsen might be involved.
Disher: Saphhire Mansion. I’ve never been. Have you ever been?
Stottlemeyer: Once. Ten years ago.
Sharona: Did your wife find out?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I told her. In therapy, we were playing the honesty game.
Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Stottlemeyer: Yup. This was before they built the new lobby.
Disher: You know, Captain. I think Monk might be on to something. Maybe we should tag along.
Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Sharona: Oh, God.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, I’m married. I’m not dead.
Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming ride with Captain Leland Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Randy Disher. They enter the gated Sapphire Mansion.
They arrive at the front of the house where women in their bikinis are playing at the fountain.
Monk: Ugh. Oh.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer calls his wife.
Stottlemeyer: Karen? Honey? Hi. I can’t make it for lunch today.
A bimbo runs passed Captain Stottlemeyer.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, something’s popped up. Yeah, it’s a homicide, pretty nasty business. I…no, I won’t let it bother me. I promise. Bye, bye.
Lieutenant Randy Disher goes over to Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Disher: Bethany Daniels. She was May’s Saphhire Girl of the Month. Not this May. Last May.
Bethany: Hi, I’m Bethany.
Disher: Yeah, honey. We know.
Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher shake her hand.
Disher: So, how’s your singing career coming?
Bethany: Oh, fine. Thank you for asking. Dexter will be down in a second. He’d like it if you just make yourselves comfortable, and if you feel like unwinding, there’s an indoor pool at the end of the hall.
Monk: We didn’t…we didn’t bring our suits.
Disher: He’s new here.
Bethany: I thought so. Well, I’ll see you around.
Disher: See ya.
Bethany Daniels walks away.
Sharona: You can look now. She’s gone.
Adrian Monk points at a Popular Circuitry magazine cover on display.
Sharona: What’s this about?
Disher: That is how Dex got started. This is his first magazine. He almost went bankrupt, and then one day he put Miss Transistor on the cover, and voila.
Disher: Yeah, he renamed it Sapphire magazine, dropped all the electronic stuff. The rest is history.
Sharona: Silicone and air-brushed women?
Disher: Well, it’s a kind of history.
Dex: Oh, gentlemen, I am so sorry to keep you waiting.
Dex walks down the staircase with two bimbos in his arms.
Dex: I hope you’re not here to confiscate my Cubans. Cubano de Ora.
Dex smells his Cuban cigar.
Dex: Mmm. Ah! It’s the finest cigar in the world. Would anybody care for one?
Stottlemeyer: No, thank you. We’re from Homicide. I’m Captain Stottlemeyer. I’m sorry. I didn’t catch your name.
Dex: I’m Dexter Larsen.
Stottlemeyer: Lieutentant Disher.
Disher: Hey, Dex.
Stottlemeyer: Sharona Fleming.
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk.
Dex: Sharona, that’s a beautiful name. It’s from the Bible, isn’t it?
Sharona: Have you read the Bible?
Dex: Not lately. Can I get you gentlemen anything?
Monk: Actually, we’re here to talk about the death of Elliot D’Souza.
Dex: Yes. Yes, it’s heartbreaking. I still can’t believe it.
Adrian Monk touches a sculpture.
Dex: Please! Please! Don’t touch that. It’s an original Carvasia. It’s worth a hundred thousand dollars.
Monk: Mr. Larsen, where…where were you on Sunday morning?
Dex: Where was I? Let me show you.
Dexter Larsen leads Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, and Lieutenant Randy Disher to a room.
Dex: This is it guys. This is the room where I get ninety-nine percent of my inspiration.
Disher: Oh, my God. We’re really here. We’re in his bedroom.
Lieutenant Disher turns to Captain Stottlemeyer.
Disher: Pinch me.
Disher: I didn’t…I didn’t mean literally pinch me. It’s figurative…
Stottlemeyer: Randy, shut up. We’re done talking about pinching.
Dex: You were asking about Sunday? I was right here, in bed, all morning.
Lieutenant Disher sneaks out his camera to take a picture of the bed.
Monk: Were you alone?
Dex: No, Mr. Monk. I had company. Ah, let’s see. Um, Gwen. No, that was Friday. Ah, Brianna was. No. That was also Friday. Sh…oh, oh, I remember.
Dexter Larsen picks up the phone.
Dex: Could you ask Amber to come upstairs, please.
Monk: Mr. Larsen, we understand that Elliot D’Souza was planning to shut down your magazine.
Dex: Well, that’s not true. The last time we spoke, he said he was still undecided.
Lieutenant Randy Disher sits on the bed, and fusses with the remote control.
Sharona: So, you can relax. Your magazine’s safe.
Dex: I’m always relaxed.
Lieutenant Randy Disher pushes a button, and the bed starts shaking.
Dex: Whoa there, cowboy. Don’t hurt yourself.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer snatches the remote from Lieutenant Randy Disher.
Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant Disher. Get off the bed.
Monk: Look at that. There’s a mirror above the bed. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona: Don’t think about that now. Not now.
The door of the room opens.
Dex: Gentlemen, this is Amber Post.
Amber Post in her bikini enters the room.
Dex: This is Amber Post, our Sapphire Girl of the Month, and perhaps our Sapphire Girl of the Year. Uh, Amber, sweetheart, these gentlemen are from the police, and they’re wondering where I was on Sunday morning.
Amber: Oh. Well, would you like me to go into detail?
Disher: Yeah, I think that would be best.
Monk: No! No, no, no, no, don’t. No details. Just the big, vauge, general picture.
Amber: Well, Dexter and I were here in bed all morning, and I remember we woke up and watched the sunrise together, and actually we didn’t even leave the room until about noon.
Dex: Which is when I got the call about Elliot. Oh, sweetheart, that reminds me. I found this under your pillow.
Dexter Larsen pulls out an earring out of his robe’s pocket. Amber Post gives out a sigh of relief.
Amber: My earring.
Monk: Excuse me, uh, you said, you said you saw the sunrise, but these windows only face west and south, so…
Dex: I think what Amber meant to say was that we saw the dawn breaking together. We didn’t actually see the sun literally rise, no.
Monk: Oh, what I, what I don’t understand is, the earrings…
Dex: You know, Mr. Monk, I would love to answer all of your questions, but right now I am late for tee time.
Dex: I have a private golf course out back. Some friends are coming by. Mr. Monk, do you play golf?
Monk: No, I, I don’t play.
Disher: I play golf.
Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant Disher does not play golf. Lieutenant Disher is still on duty.
Adrian Monk walks over to Sharona Fleming.
Monk: You play golf, don’t you?
Sharona: Me? I…
Monk: Yes, you’re good. Don’t be modest. She’s good. She’s a…she’s a…duffer. You duff?
Sharona: Sure. I play.
Later, Dexter Larsen is at his private golf course laughing with his friends when Sharona Fleming in skimpy clothing arrives.
Dex: Sharona Fleming, this is Shawn Clemmons. Won the Calico Beach Classic last week in Santa Barbara, and this is Danny Bonaduce.
Danny: Yeah, this is a dream come true for you. Am I right?
Danny Bonaduce shakes Sharon Fleming’s hand.
Sharona: Uh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.
Danny: Yeah. I like this girl.
Adrian Monk arrives hauling with him the golf clubs that Sharona Fleming will be using.
Dex: Oh, I, uh, see you brought your caddie.
Monk: I hope you don’t mind if I tag along. It’s a beautiful day for a walk.
Shawn Clemmons hits a golf ball.
Dex: Oh, yeah. Okay, so I lied. You can’t play this game.
Dex: Very nice. Very sweet. Sharona! You’re up next.
Sharona Fleming walks over to Adrian Monk.
Shawn: She makes a nice exit though.
Sharona: Give me a three.
Monk: I think we start with one.
Sharona: No, no, no. It’s too much club. I need three-wood. Give me a three.
Monk: Let’s start with the one, and then two, and then the three. It’s better. Just go in order.
Sharona: You don’t know what you’re talking about. Give me the three.
Adrian Monk hesitantly pulls out the club, and puts it back in.
Monk: I can’t. I can’t.
Sharona: Okay, give me the one.
Monk: Now, you’re talking.
Adrian Monk gladly hands Sharona Fleming the one club.
Sharona: Give me the two.
Monk: Coming up.
Adrian Monk hands Sharona Fleming the two club. Sharona Fleming throws the one and two club then points at the three club.
Sharona: This is the first club now. Okay?
Adrian Monk quickly gives Sharona Fleming the three club.
Monk: Was that so hard?
Dexter Larsen is at the green preparing for his shot. Adrian Monk approaches him.
Monk: You called him Sunday morning?
Dex: Pardon me?
Monk: You called Mr. D’Souza. We checked the records.
Dex: Yes, I had a question about business.
Monk: From our cellphone?
Dex: That’s right.
Monk: You were in bed all morning.
Dex: Well, I have my cell phone with me at all times. It’s easier.
Danny: Dex, you’re up!
Dex: Mr. Monk, if you don’t mind.
Monk: I…I…I was also wondering about that earring.
Dex: What earring?
Monk: The earring you found on your bed.
Dex: You mean the one that Amber lost?
Monk: It wasn’t Amber’s earring. The earring you found was for pierced ears. Her ears aren’t pierced. Why would she lie about that?
Dex: An honest mistake, Mr. Monk. It happens. Excuse me.
Dexter Larsen hits the golf ball, and it goes in the hole.
Dex: Ah! That’s game! I’m glad you are here to see that. I don’t lose. Call me if you think of any snappy comebacks. I’ll be inside.
Dexter Larsen walks away. Danny Bonaduce walks over to Adrian Monk.
Danny: Hey, uh, you know, don’t mind Dex. I’ve known him for years. He’s got a bit of temper, but he’s a good guy. Good friend. Like last Saturday night, at the party, he wouldn’t even let me drive home.
Sharona: Were you drunk?
Danny: No, that’s the thing. I only had a couple of beers, but Dex insisted I stay over. How could I argue? He even took my car keys.
Later, two mechanics are looking under the hood of Dexter Larsen’s car, while Adrian Monk is walking nearby.
Mechanic #1: Son of a bitch. I told you to put a new battery in this thing.
Mechanic #2: I did. I put a new one in last week.
Mechanic #1: Did you check it?
Mechanic #2: Of course I checked it.
Mechanic #1: Well, it’s dead now. Give me a hand here, will you?
The first mechanic sees Adrian Monk.
Mechanic #1: Oh hey, can I help you?
Monk: Mr. Bonaduce left something in his car.
Mechanic #1: It’s the silver convertible over there.
Mechanic #1: It’s unlocked.
Adrian Monk walks over to the silver convertible, and starts inspecting the car. He takes some ash from the ashtray when Dexter Larsen sees him.
Dex: Detective, caddie, car thief. You wear many hats, Mr. Monk. You, uh…you looking for something?
Monk: Did you drive this car, Mr. Larsen? Maybe Sunday morning?
Dex: Why would you think that?
Monk: Somebody was smoking a cigar in here.
Dex: Well, a lot of people smoke cigars, Mr. Monk.
Monk: Right, but the texture and size of this cigar ash are consistent with those from your precious Cubano de Oros.
Monk: How did you do it?
Dex: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?
Monk: No, no. I mean. How did you murder Elliot D’Souza?
Dex: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliot was alone. The door was locked.
Monk: Right. How did you do it?
Dex: You’ve taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I’ve taken an interest on you too, and your friend Sharona. May I show you something?
Dexter Larsen pulls out from his envelope a naked picture of Sharona Fleming.
Dex: My research staff is first rate. She must have been nineteen, maybe twenty. You know what? Th…that’s…that’s my favorite age. Hungry with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.
Monk: What kind of man are you?
Dex: I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now Sharona, she has a son, how old is he now?
Monk: He is twelve.
Dex: Twelve. That’s an impressionable age. I think we understand each other, don’t we? Any more questions about what happened to Elliott?
Dex: You can let yourself out.
Later, Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher interrogate Amber Post.
Amber: I told you. Dexter and I were in bed all night, and all morning. He never left the room.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. We know it wasn’t your earring. Why did you lie about that?
Amber: I thought it was mine. I made a mistake.
Stottlemeyer: Amber, why are you protecting him?
Amber Post sighs.
Amber: I wouldn’t do that. I don’t lie.
Disher: You don’t lie, huh? Well, in your pictorial, you never mentioned having a kid, and you said you live on a farm.
Amber: Well, this may come as a shock to you, Lieutenant, but those profiles, they’re completely made-up.
Sharona Fleming arrives at the precinct, and walks over to Adrian Monk. Adrian Monk looks sullen.
Sharona: You okay?
Adrian Monk affectionately touches Sharona Fleming’s cheek. Captain Leland Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Randy Disher arrive.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, she is lying. She is covering for that son of a bitch. Dexter Larsen is dirty. There is no doubt about it.
Monk: Well, I don’t know.
Sharona: You don’t know?
Stottlemeyer: What do you mean you don’t know?
Monk: I’m thinking it probably was an accident. D’Souza was alone. Look, the door was locked.
Stottlemeyer: What about the earring?
Sharona: And the threats?
Disher: And the phone call that morning?
Monk: I don’t think he did it. I was wrong. I was wrong.
Stottlemeyer: What the hell is going on here?
Monk: Nothing. The case is over, and uh, I’m gonna return Ms. Luden’s money. Let’s go home.
Adrian Monk walks away. Sharona Fleming rushes over to him.
Sharona: Hey. Hey, what’s going on?
Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: I know you. You were lying back there.
Monk: Listen to me. It was an accidental death. I was wrong. People change their minds.
Sharona: That’s true. People do, but you don’t. What happened in that garage? Was Dexter there?
Adrian Monk turns his back on Sharona Fleming.
Sharona: Did he threaten you? Adrian, you might as well tell me. You know I’m never gonna let this go until you do.
Monk: He…he had some pictures.
Sharona: What kind of pictures?
Monk: Compromising pictures.
Sharona: What? He’s blackmailing you? With what? You never did anything. What? He’s got pictures of you with your shirt not tucked in? That’s ridiculous.
Monk: Not of me.
Sharona: Well, who then? What, me?
Adrian Monk closes his eyes tight.
Sharona: Oh, my God. From Atlantic City. I…Adrian. Benjy was one, and I was just desperate.
Monk: He’s gonna publish them…if we don’t walk away.
Sharona: Did you see them?
Sharona: Did you see those photos?
Adrian Monk is silent. He struggles to give an answer.
Adrian Monk turns his back, and walks away.
Sharona: Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Later, Dexter Larsen is holding a Sapphire Girl of the Year ceremony.
Dex: Talk about an embarrassment of riches. Once again, we had twelve stunningly beautiful girls to choose from, but only one can be Sapphire Girl of the Year. Ladies and gentlemen, the Sapphire Girl of the Year…
Dexter Larsen walks over to a large covered picture frame, and reveals the Sapphire Girl of the Year.
Dex: Amber Post!
The crowd cheers and applauds.
Dex: Now, Amber, here is your sapphire necklace…
Dexter Larsen puts the necklace around Amber Post’s neck.
Dex: And the keys to your new Ferrari.
Dexter Larsen gives Amber Post a kiss on the lips.
Dex: Thank you.
Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming crashes the party.
Monk: Do we have a plan?
Sharona: Yeah. The plan is we find Dexter Larsen and kill him.
Monk: Do we have a Plan B?
Sharona: I told you you didn’t have to come. This is between me and Dexter.
Monk: Just…just don’t kill him. That would be so wrong.
A man starts dancing, and moves closer to Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming.
Monk: What…what’s he doing?
Sharona: He’s dancing.
Monk: I don’t think so.
Sharona: Excuse me. Do you know where Dexter is?
Monk: Is…Is he pointing?
Sharona: He’s dancing.
Monk: I think he’s pointing.
Monk: Are you…sir? Are you pointing?
The man shakes his head.
Monk: Uh, no.
The man nods.
Monk: Uh, yes?
Sharona: You know what? I’m gonna be right back.
Monk: Okay, be careful. He’s dangerous.
Sharona: Yeah? So am I.
Adrian Monk walks by the pool. A woman throws a beach ball at him.
Monk: Hey. No horseplay! And no diving. No diving.
Sharona Fleming walks around looking for Dexter Larsen.
Sharona: Have you seen Dexter? No?
Sharona Fleming sees Amber Post.
Sharona: Amber? Are you okay?
A bimbo approaches Adrian Monk.
Bimbo: You wanna take me home?
Monk: I can’t. I don’t have a driver’s license. I mean I have one, technically, but I hardly ever use it. I have trouble with the left turns, and the right turns. Turning. And yielding. Turning, and yielding.
Meanwhile, Sharona Fleming is chatting with Amber Post. She’s looking at the picture of Amber’s daughter.
Sharona: Oh, she’s beautiful. How old is she?
Amber Post speaks with a quiver in her voice.
Amber: You know it’s like I just want her to be proud of me. You know?
Sharona: She will be.
Amber: I gotta go.
Sharona: Hey, hey. Amber. Amber. You know, I have a kid too, and…believe me, I’ve done some things in my life that I pray to God my son doesn’t find out about, you know? But we all make mistakes. The question is, what are you gonna do about it? Right?
Adrian Monk enters the piano room where a woman is playing Fur Elise.
Monk: You sound good.
Noelle: You are very kind. I practice every day, and I never get any better. You havin’ fun?
Monk: No, but you can’t go by me.
Noelle: Well, I’m Noelle. Now, you tell me your name. That’s how it works.
Monk: I’m Adrian…Monk. You can call me Adrian…Monk. Are you a friend of Dexter’s?
Noelle: I am a ghost of Sapphire Girls past.
Monk: What year?
Noelle: Nineteen eighty-five. If you have any back issues in your garage? You can look me up.
Monk: No, I…I don’t have a garage.
Noelle: It seems like a lifetime ago. Not…not that I’m complaining. Dexter has been very good to me. He bought me an apartment, sent me to Europe on a promotional tour. So, uh, is your wife here?
Monk: I’m not married.
Noelle: You’re wearing a ring.
Monk: She passed away. I can’t take it off yet.
Noelle: I’m sorry. When did she die?
Monk: Six years ago.
Sharona Fleming goes down the basement.
Dex: Sharona Fleming, what a pleasant surprise. Come in. Don’t be shy. That was a joke. We both know, uh, you’re not shy at all.
Sharona: Dexter, I just want the pictures and the negatives.
Dex: Yeah, well, I want to invent the world’s first fully integrated semiconductor, but we don’t always get what we want. You like it? This is my first workbench. I had them move it here from Cincinnati, and that’s how I started out. I was experimenting, tinkering. I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy that a woman like you never talked to.
Sharona: You still are.
Dex: If you’re here to beg, you’re not off to a very promising start. And if you’re here to threaten me, you can save your breath, because that release you signed is airtight.
Sharona: I have a kid.
Dex: Then keep your friend, Mr. Monk, out of my face.
Sharona: Okay, you listen to me, you twisted, porn-peddling freak. If you print those pictures, you’re gonna hurt my son. You hurt my son, I’m comin’ after you, and I am gonna dedicate my life to ruining yours.
Dex: Yeah? Well, take a number.
Sharona Fleming walks out of the basement. Adrian Monk is reading Trudy’s poem to him in front of the girls at the Sapphire mansion.
Monk: Hold me, Adrian, my darling husband, true love’s touch so rare a gift. How much more precious is your caress, who loves so deeply yet fears the warmth of hand on hand. Still, your love is given free only to me, only to me. That was…that was the last poem she ever wrote.
The women sob. A young hunk arrives.
Hunk: Anybody want to swim?
Bimbo #2: I just want to go home.
Bimbo #1: Me too.
Sharona Fleming rushes over to Adrian Monk.
Monk: Did you find him?
Sharona: Get him.
Monk: What do you mean?
Sharona: Just nail him.
Monk: But what about the pictures?
Sharona: Forget the pictures. Just do whatever you have to do to nail that son of a bitch.
Benjy Fleming is at home watching Popeye. Sharona Fleming paces the floor. She turns off the television.
Sharona: Benjy, we have to talk.
Benjy: I didn’t do anything.
Sharona: I know. I know you didn’t. I did. You know how sometimes you make a mistake and you mess up, but you know I still love you anyway?
Sharona: Yeah, well, sometimes mommies make mistakes too, and when you were a baby I made a very big one.
Benjy: What kind of mistake?
Sharona: I can’t tell you.
Benjy: What? Did you kill a guy?
Sharona: No, I didn’t kill anybody. But somebody took pictures of me making this mistake.
Benjy: What kind of pictures?
Sharona Fleming starts to cry.
Sharona: Benjy, the reason why I’m telling you this is because we’re working on a case, and somebody is threatening to print these pictures if we don’t let him go.
Benjy: Is he a bad guy?
Sharona: A very bad guy. Now, I had to tell you this because, if they ever got published, you’re gonna hear about it in school. How do you feel about this?
Benjy: I don’t know.
Sharona: Honey, I was really trying to make a better life for us.
Benjy: Mom, you can’t let somebody get away just because I might have a bad day at school.
Sharona: Have I told you how much I love you?
Benjy: Not since lunch. You know, I’m missing my show.
Sharona Fleming smiles, and turns on the television.
Sharona: One hour.
Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are at Elliot D’Souza’s gym trying to figure out the case.
Monk: He was alone. The door was locked.
Sharona: From the inside.
Monk: From the inside. The phone rings. He’s over here lifting weights. There’s something wrong here. Something…wrong about this room. Just can’t see it.
Sharona: You will.
Adrian Monk hears somebody playing the Fur Elise on the piano.
Monk: Listen. Listen. Do you hear that?
Noelle is playing Fur Elise in her apartment when the doorbell rings.
Monk: Noelle. Do you remember me?
Noelle: Oh, yeah. From the party. Uh, Mr. Monk.
Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Monk: Do you mind if we come in?
Noelle: Uh, sure. Well, you’ll have to excuse the mess. I’m still unpacking from my trip.
Monk: Noelle, did you know that you were directly below Elliot D’Souza’s apartment?
Noelle: No. No, I knew he lived in the building.
Monk: At the party, you mentioned that Dexter Larsen found this apartment for you.
Noelle: Yeah, that’s right.
Sharona: When was that?
Noelle: Uh, about a month ago.
Sharona: And then he sent you out of town?
Noelle: Yeah, that’s right. To London and Paris on a promotional tour. So, what’s all this about anyway?
Adrian Monk notices impressions on the carpet.
Monk: Did you make these?
Monk: These indentations on the carpet.
Noelle: Uh, maybe. I might have or maybe they came from that chair.
Monk: No. No, they’re not from the chair.
Adrian Monk inspects the other furniture.
Monk: No. No. No.
He sees a stepladder. He takes it, and puts it directly on top of the impressions. It is a perfect fit. Adrian Monk smiles, and Sharona does the same.
Dexter Larsen arrives at his mansion where the police has gathered.
Bimbo: I’m not allowed to let anybody else in here.
Stottlemeyer: Just relax.
Bimbo: Please. No, Dex is gonna be so mad at me.
Stottlemeyer: It’s okay.
Bimbo: But it’s my job!
Dex: What the hell is going on?
Stottlemeyer: Dexter Larsen, that’s a warrant, duly sworn, authorizing us to search your house.
Bimbo: Dex, I tried to call you. They’ve been here an hour. They’ve been looking everywhere.
Dex: Looking for what?
Monk: Looking for proof that you killed Elliot D’Souza.
Dex: Mr. Monk, are you serious?
Dexter Larsen sees his Carvasia sculpture on the dining table.
Dex: My Carvasia. I told you not to touch that.
Monk: Sorry, I’ll get it.
Dex: No! No! Don’t touch it. I’ll do it. It’s very valuable.
Dexter Larsen pulls the Carvasia to no avail.
Sharona: Is there a problem?
Stottlemeyer: What’s wrong? Pick it up. Can’t weigh more than fifteen pounds.
Dex: All right. What did you do? Did you glue it down?
Monk: Excuse me. If I may?
Adrian Monk pulls up the Carvasia with ease.
Monk: No, not glued. Your turn.
Dexter Larsen strains to pull the Carvasia.
Monk: We found it Dexter.
Dex: Found what?
Sharona: The magnet that you built.
Captain Stottlemeyer pulls out one of the dining chairs to reveal Lieutenant Randy Disher holding the magnet under the table.
Stottlemeyer: Randy, you can come out now, unless you’re enjoying yourself down there.
Lieutenant Randy Disher comes out from under the dining table.
Stottlemeyer: Come on. Come on.
Dex: What’s this supposed to be?
Stottlemeyer: What? You don’t recognize that? We found it in your workshop. It had fingerprints all over it. Go ahead.
Monk: I never realized how strong an electromagnet like that could be. I’m told that one can lift a car.
Flashback ensues, Dexter Larsen is in his basement workshop working on the electromagnet.
Monk: With your background in electronics, building a device like this was child’s play. You needed a car battery. You borrowed one from your own Mercedes the night before the murder. You couldn’t risk driving one of your own cars so you took Mr. Bonaduce’s keys and borrowed his, and since you had found Noelle Winters’ apartment for her, you had copies of all her keys. You knew the apartment was empty because you had sent Ms. Winters to Europe. Now, you were where you wanted to be. Directly below Elliot D’Souza’s penthouse, right under his private gym. You knew Elliot worked out every morning. You could hear the weights clanging through the ceiling. You phoned him to make sure he was in position, and then you killed him without ever setting foot in the room. That’s why the computer disk was erased, and the clock was a little off. I knew there was something wrong with that room. Everything was turned around. The pens and the stapler, they were all facing the same way.
Dex: All right, so? I made a magnet. So, what? I make a lot of things. It’s my hobby. It doesn’t prove anything. I told you. I was here all night and all morning.
Amber Post arrives.
Amber: No, you weren’t.
Sharona: It’s all right. Go ahead.
Amber: He offered to make me Sapphire Girl of the Year if I lied and said that we were together that morning.
Sharona: She’s willing to testify in court.
Amber: Your necklace.
Amber Post drops the necklace on the table.
Amber: Your Ferrari. I don’t want ‘em. I don’t need ‘em.
Sharona: Looks like you picked the wrong two women to mess with.
Stottlemeyer: Dexter Larsen, you are under arrest for the premeditated murder of Elliot D’Souza. You need to come with me, Sir.
Later, Lieutenant Randy Disher approaches Sharona Fleming with an envelope in his hand.
Disher: I found this in his office. They’re your photos, and all the negatives. You don’t have to worry about them anymore.
Lieutenant Randy Disher sets fire to the envelope.
Sharona: Did you look at them?
Lieutenant Randy Disher is silent.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy” episode was written by James Krieg. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.
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