Sunday, August 1, 2010

Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect – Monk Transcript 2.7

Mr Monk and the Sleeping Suspect TranscriptCaptain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher arrest a young felon.

Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, don’t yank my chain.
Dwayne: Look, I told you. I haven’t seen him.
Stottlemeyer: He’s your cousin. He’s your best friend.
Dwayne: Yeah, and I don’t know where he is.
Stottlemeyer: Dwayne, do I look like an idiot to you?
Dwayne: Yeah. You sorta do.
Disher: Whoa, that’s a mistake. You don’t want to make him angry. I made him angry once. You don’t want to do that.
Stottlemeyer: Dwayne…  Continue reading...

A Mercedes Benz comes screeching and hits Captain Stottlemeyer’s car. It continues to deliberately hit the Captain’s car. The driver laughs as he continues hitting Captain Stottlemeyer’s car.

Driver: Hey! Cop. Kiss my ass!

The driver of the Mercedes Benz drives away. Captain Stottlemeyer turns to Dwayne.

Stottlemeyer: Don’t move.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher rush to their car, while Dwayne takes the opportunity to escape.

Disher: Can I be honest with you, sir?

Captain Stottlemeyer takes the police radio.

Stottlemeyer: All units, clear the air. We’re in pursuit of a hit-and-run. He’s eastbound on Union.
Disher: This is my first car chase. I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher watch as a truck hits the speeding Mercedes Benz.

Stottlemeyer: Chase over. What do you think?

Adrian Monk is talking to his psychiatrist Dr. Charles Kroger.

Monk: Okay, how about an automatic card shuffler? Says “Fun for all ages”. I know he enjoys having fun. He mentioned that once.
Kroger: Adrian, I can see that you’re anxious about this, but the important thing to remember is that Benjy loves you. So, whatever you get for him, Benjy will love.
Monk: He didn’t love he pajamas I bought him last year. I saw it on his face. The…the disappointment. I…I hate that look. I…I never wanna see that look again.
Kroger: Adrian, why don’t you just ask Sharona what he would like?
Monk: She said to pick out the gift myself so it would really come from me.
Kroger: Okay, I’m sorry, but, uh…our time is up.
Monk: Okay, well…I’ll see ya Thursday.
Kroger: No. No, uh, don’t you remember? I’ll be in Costa Rica.
Monk: Costa Rica?
Kroger: Yeah. For three weeks. It’s my vacation.
Monk: I’ve never been to Costa Rica.
Kroger: Uh, no, Adrian. You’re not coming. It’s a vacation, but if you like, I can refer you to another doctor.
Monk: Uh!
Kroger: Or not! Or not.
Monk: Why didn’t you tell me?
Kroger: I did. I told you every week for the past month, but I guess you just, um, blocked it out.
Monk: Is that possible?
Kroger: Apparently.
Monk: I guess I did. I blocked it out. No problem. We’ll talk about it on Thursday.

A postman delivers the mail, and a package. The owner of the house arrives.

Woman: Carrie, come on. You can’t believe a word my brother says. I was there. My father was not in his right mind when he wrote that second will.

The woman takes his mail, and picks up the package.

Woman: If he wrote it at all. Well, you know what? If the judge wants to rule against us, I guess we’ll just have to appeal.

The woman reads the label on the package.

Woman: Hmm. Bay Bridge Books? I don’t remember ordering this. Yeah, well, you know what? It’s been two years. I’ll probably die before I see a dime.

The woman uses a scissor to cut the string tied around the package.

Woman: Listen, Carrie, I gotta go. I gotta unpack. I’ve been here six weeks, and my stuff is still in boxes. Bye.

The woman unwraps the package, and it explodes. Later, the police arrive at the scene. Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are there as well.

Monk: Sigmund Freud never took a vacation.

Sharona: Well, Sigmund Freud never met you.
Monk: I need somebody to talk to.
Sharona: He’ll be back soon. Don’t worry about it. Everybody needs some time off. Except, apparently me. Why don’t you try a different doctor for a few weeks?
Monk: No. No, no, no. It takes me eight months to break in a new therapist. Most of them don’t make it. Two took an early retirement.
Sharona: Did you get a present for Benjy yet?
Monk: No.
Sharona: Well, you don’t have that much time, his birthday’s tomorrow.
Monk: I don’t know if I can make it.
Sharona: You better make it. You promised him. He really wants you at his party!
Monk: Why?
Sharona: Because he’s very young. His father better send him something. That’s all I can say.

Lieutenant Randy Disher meets Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming by the mailbox.

Sharona: Lieutenant.
Disher: Sharona, Monk.
Sharona: Is that a new ti?
Disher: Yeah. It’s a gift from my girlfriend.
Sharona: She has very good taste in ties, not in men.
Disher: Ooh, do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Sharona: If you do, it’s the only detecting you’ve ever done.

Captain Stottlemeyer walks over to them.

Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk, old buddy, old pal, old chum.
Sharona: “Old buddy”? What have you done with the real Captain Stottlemeyer?
Monk: What do we have?
Stottlemeyer: Mail bomb, an ounce and a half of plastique with a magnesium charge.
Disher: There were two triggers: a chemical detonator wired to the wrapping, and a motion detector—so when you opened it and moved it. Boom!
Stottlemeyer: Not hard to make.
Disher: Crude and unpredictable, actually.
Monk: Who’s the victim?
Stottlemeyer: Amanda Babbage, thirty-five years old. She lived here alone.
Monk: Nice house.
Stottlemeyer: It was a lot nicer two hours ago.
Monk: The Feds are here?
Stottlemeyer: Yes, up the wazoo -- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. They’re in charge, and they’re not shy about saying so. Monk, if you can make me look good here, I would really appreciate it. I’d love to show these bastards up. Wouldn’t hurt our careers either.

Adrian Monk inspects the crime scene. He has trouble concentrating due to the nice from everyone talking.

Sharona: Excuse me! Excuse me, excuse me!

The ATF agents stop talking.

Sharona: Can you please keep it down? We’re trying to think.

Sharona Fleming turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Go in the other room.

Adrian Monk walks over to the other room. Agent Grooms turns to Captain Stottlemeyer.

Grooms: Who the hell is that? Marion the Librarian?
Stottlemeyer: It’s Adrian Monk. He’s consulting with us.
Grooms: But he’s not consulting with us.
Stottlemeyer: Agent Grooms, you said you’d keep us local bumpkins in the loop.
Grooms: Give my man a couple of minutes, okay?

Adrian Monk inspects the string that tied the package.

Stottlemeyer: What is it?
Monk: A knot. I’ve never seen one tied quite like that, have you?
Stottlemeyer: No, I can’t say that I have.

Adrian Monk points to the charred piece of paper inside an evidence bag.

Monk: Street?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that’s part of the address.
Monk: Well, but this is McCallister Avenue, not Street.
Stottlemeyer: Part of the return address.
Monk: Return address is here.

Adrian Monk points at the return address inside another evidence bag.

Monk: The bomb was addressed incorrectly.

Adrian Monk checks a charred clock, and finds a piece of paper stuck inside it. Lieutenant Fisher takes it out for him.

Monk: “Please forward”.
Disher: It’s a change of address label.
Stottlemeyer: Did she just move in?
Grooms: That’s right. She bought the house two months ago.

Agent Grooms grabs the evidence that Lieutenant Disher just bagged.

Grooms: Thanks.
Stottlemeyer: Glad we could help.
Grooms: We would have found it.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe.

A man in his red humvee arrives.

Grooms: There’s our boy. Amanda’s kid brother, Ricky. Estate’s been in probate since the old man died.
Stottlemeyer: Amanda and her two brothers have been fighting over the estate ever since. Too much money, and too many lawyers.
Stottlemeyer: Do you want me to talk to him?
Grooms: No, thank you, Captain. I think we can handle it.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, I’ll just watch and take notes. I’m so keen to learn.

Ricky argues with the officer guarding the house.

Ricky: That’s my sister’s house. What’s your badge number, huh? That’s my sister in there! I’m family, eh? Do you understand?

Agent Grooms confronts him.

Grooms: All right. I got it. I got it. Richard Babbage?
Ricky: Are you in charge?

Agent Grooms nods.

Ricky: Thank God, because this storm trooper! Wouldn’t let me through.
Grooms: I’m Agent Grooms, and I’m with the ATF. Ricky, I know this is a bad time for you, I need to ask you a few questions. When was the last time you saw your sister?

Adrian Monk walks over to Ricky’s humvee. He inspects his vehicle.

Ricky: I don’t know. There was a barbecue here about two weeks ago. We had a fight. I said some things. I can’t believe this has hap—

Adrian Monk notices the rope tied to Ricky Babbage’s vehicle.

Monk: Excuse me. Is this your surfboard?
Ricky: Yes.
Monk: Did you put it up here?
Ricky: Yes, I didn’t want it to tear up the back seat so I tied it up there. Who is he?
Grooms: Nobody.

Agent Grooms calls for Captain Stottlemeyer.

Grooms: Captain? I need to ask Ricky a few questions. Why don’t you stay here with Marion, and uh, guard the car.

Agent Grooms walks back to the house followed by Ricky Babbage.

Stottlemeyer: Okeydokey.
Monk: Who’s Marion?
Stottlemeyer: You are. Marion the Librarian.
Monk: So, it’s like a put-down.
Stottlemeyer: Yup. It’s a derogatory remark, Monk. What do you see?
Monk: Oh, he’s not the guy. He definitely knew his sister lived here. He was at a barbecue here two weeks ago.
Stottlemeyer: But the package was mailed to the old address.
Monk: Right, and he said he tied the surfboard to the room himself. Look at these knots. They’re a mess. Crude, tangled, but the knot we saw inside on the bomb, was a work of art.
Stottlemeyer: So the feds—
Monk: Are barking up the wrong tree. You said there was another brother.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, Brian, but he’s a dead end.
Disher: Or practically dead.
Sharona: What do you mean?
Disher: The guy’s in a coma.
Stottlemeyer: We saw it happen. Four months ago, he got T-boned by a pickup truck. Cracked his skull. It was really unnecessary. The guy just baited me and Randy and—and stepped on the gas.
Disher: It was my first car chase.
Stottlemeyer: That didn’t count. The guy didn’t go half a block. You didn’t get the car in gear.
Disher: It counted.
Stottlemeyer: It wasn’t a chase, Randy.
Disher: We ran to the car.
Monk: Anyway, uh…four months ago. So, he wouldn’t have known that his sister had moved.
Disher: It counted.
Monk: I’d like to meet him.

Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Disher bring Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming to the hospital to see Brian Babbage.

Disher: They say that people in a coma…

Lieutenant Disher whispers.

Disher: Can hear everything.
Monk: Why were you chasing him?
Stottlemeyer: Because he was running. If he ever wakes up, we’ll be sure to ask him.

Adrian Monk uses a pen to poke Brian Babbage.

Sharona: What are you doing?
Monk: Uh, I’m just making sure.

Adrian Monk drops his pen.

Monk: Oh, pen.

Adrian Monk searches for the pen on the patient’s bed.

The nurse arrives.

Monk: Wait, I think I feel it. Oh, my God. It’s leaking.
Nurse: What are you doing? Get your hands out of there.
Monk: Uh…I, I, uh, I dropped…I dropped something. I got it.
Nurse: I’m Mr. Babbage’s private nurse. Are you people family? Even for family, there’s no excuse.
Stottlemeyer: San Francisco Homicide, ma’am. We’re here on official business.
Nurse: Was that about the sister? I heard it on the radio.
Monk: Nurse…Nurse Stempel, is there any way Mr. Babbage could have left this room?
Nurse: Not unless he was carried out. This is a stage nine coma. His cognitive response is near zero.
Monk: Has he had a lot of visitors?
Nurse: Just one. His brother Ricky came by to serve him with a subpoena. Can you believe it? Like The Addams Family.
Monk: And, uh…are those the patient’s shoes? You…you didn’t untie them.
Nurse: They were yanked off in the E.R. Is there anything else? I need to change the sheets.
Stottlemeyer: No, ma’am. We’ll be leaving.
Nurse: So, you’ll all be leaving?
Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes, thank you, ma’am.
Monk: Thank you.
Nurse: Private nurse. Private room. This guy knows how to take a nap.
Monk: He’s the guy.
Stottlemeyer: Who’s the guy?

Adrian Monk points to Brian Babbage.

Stottlemeyer: Him? Monk, he’s a vegetable. He’s not even a vegetable. He hopes one day to be a vegetable.
Monk: Captain, listen. His sister moved two months ago. He is the only man in the world with motive who wouldn’t have known that. Also, look.

Adrian Monk takes the man’s shoes.

Monk: Look at the knot. It’s elegant. In my life I’ve only seen one other knot like that.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, the bomb.
Monk: He’s the guy.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, but Monk, he’s been asleep since May.
Monk: I know.
Disher: The bomb was mailed three days ago. There’s a postmark.
Monk: I don’t know how he did it, but he did it.

Later, Captain Stottlemeyer is in the interrogation room watching Agent Grooms question Ricky Babbage.

Grooms: I’ve heard about sibling rivalry, Ricky, but this is ridiculous. I mean, you spend more time in court than me.
Ricky: My father changed his will every three weeks. We’re just trying to figure out who gets what. It’s family. It’s complicated.
Stottlemeyer: That’s a ice cigar.
Ricky: Cohiba Robustos. You want one? I got a friend down in Key West. He sends me a box every month.
Stottlemeyer: No, thank you.
Grooms: You’ve never worked a day in your life, have you, Ricky?
Ricky: I tried working once. I hated it. Look, I…I can’t help if I’m lucky.
Grooms: I think your luck’s run out, Rick. Goin’ down.
Ricky: I didn’t do anything.
Grooms: Just couldn’t settle for your third of the pie, could you? You had to have it all.
Ricky: Hey, I was ready to settle. You ask my lawyer. My brother Brian was the one who wasn’t happy.
Grooms: Oh, that’s classy. Blaming your brother who’s in a coma.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Ricky. I got a sister. We fight all the time. There’s times when I feel like I’d like to kill her. Have you ever felt like that?
Ricky: I don’t know. I’ve never met your sister.
Grooms: Captain, why don’t you go grab some coffee? I want to talk to Ricky alone.

Captain Stottlemeyer steps out of the interrogation room.

Stottlemeyer: I just got kicked out of my own interrogation room.
Disher: You want some coffee, sir?
Stottlemeyer: No, Randy. What I want is for that ATF creep to eat crow.
Monk: Well, we know who did it, and we know why. We just don’t know how.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, again, he’s in a coma.
Monk: He’s the guy.
Stottlemeyer: In twenty seconds, Agent Grooms is gonna come walking through that door, and he’s gonna ask me what I think. Give me something else, for the love of God.
Disher: Okay, wait. I have an idea. Maybe he had an accomplice.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, somebody else mailed the damn thing. Why not?
Sharona: I already had that idea.

Sharona Fleming turns to Adrian Monk.

Sharona: Tell him.
Monk: There was no accomplice. Why would Brian Babbage hire one? He didn’t know he was gonna be in a coma.
Sharona: It’s not exactly something you can plan.
Monk: All right. Anyway, why would an accomplice bother to go through with it? There was no reason to. The guy who hired him was in a coma.
Stottlemeyer: All right, so, Brian built the bomb, and then Brian mailed the bomb by himself.
Monk: That’s right.
Stottlemeyer: While he was in a coma.
Monk: You gotta admit. It’s a pretty good alibi. It’s rock solid.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I have known fifteen thousand criminals in my lifetime. Here’s what they all have in common – they’re conscious!
Monk: Nonetheless.
Stottlemeyer: Is your shrink coming back soon?

Agent Grooms steps out of the interrogation room.

Grooms: Captain. Sorry about in there, I, uh, work better one on one.
Stottlemeyer: All right. So, how’s it look?
Grooms: He’s bending not breaking. I’ll get him. About to write up my case report, uh, I’m gonna list him as my primary. I’ll need you to sign off on that. Right? Be easer to get an indictment if we’re all on the same page.
Stottlemeyer: I’m thinking…

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer looks at Adrian Monk.

Stottlemeyer: Maybe it’s the other brother.
Grooms: Well, there’s only one other brother, and…he’s in a coma.
Stottlemeyer: That’s the one. I think, uh, I think we should look into him.

Captain Stottlemeyer looks at Adrian Monk. Adrian Monk shows him support.

Grooms: He’s a vegetable, Captain.
Stottlemeyer: I know.
Grooms: Don’t you think that eliminates him as a suspect? I mean, I’m just…curious. How do you think he did it?
Stottlemeyer: We’re still working on that.
Grooms: Yeah. Well, good luck with that, Captain. Uh, keep me informed.

It’s Benjy’s birthday party, and Sharona Fleming’s house is filled with rowdy kids.

Sharona: Benjy, Benjy, Benjy. Where’s Adrian?
Benjy: Mmm, I don’t know.
Sharona: Whoa, whoa. Watch it.

He goes over to three boys playing monkey in the middle.

Sharona: Hey, you guys. Not in the kitchen. You want to take that out of the room?

Sharona Fleming goes to the sink, and finds Adrian monk hiding behind the kitchen counter.

Monk: Are they gone?
Sharona: No! What are you doing?
Monk: Playing a game.
Sharona: What game?
Monk: It’s called…it’s called, “Are they gone?” Are they gone?
Sharona: No.
Monk: Then the game’s not over.

Later, Benjy is opening his gifts. The children gather around as Adrian Monk guesses what’s the gift.

Monk: It’s a jigsaw puzzle.
Benjy: Is he right?

The kid who gave the gift nods.

Benjy: How many pieces?

Adrian Monk feels the gift.

Monk: Seven hundred?
Benjy: Didn’t I tell you?

The kids are impressed.

Sharona: Benjy, Mr. Monk isn’t a toy.
Benjy: Sure he is.
Monk: Okay, next. I know what this one is!

Adrian Monk pulls out his gift.

Monk: Because it’s from me. It’s a rock polishing kit.

The kids are dumbfounded.

Monk: To clean rocks! Happy Birthday.
Sharona: What do you say?
Benjy: Thank you.
Monk: I had one when I was twelve. It was so much. You know. Fun. Hey! Let’s use it now. I saw some great rocks out back. Let’s go get ‘em!
Benjy: Maybe later, Mr. Monk.

Adrian Monk looks at Sharona Fleming.

Monk: There’s that look.
Sharona: Oh, it’s okay.

The doorbell rings, and Sharona gets the door.

Sharona: Trevor, what are you doing her?
Trevor: My calendar says August 14th.
Benjy: Mom, who is it?
Sharona: Your father.

Later, Adrian Monk is at Brian Babbage’s hospital room.

Monk: His name is Trevor. Trevor Howe. He just shows up after six years, out of the blue at the kid’s birthday party. Can you believe it? Benjy loves him, of course. I…I really appreciate you letting me talk like this. My regular doctor’s out of town. I’m glad you could squeeze me in. Anyway, about this Trevor guy. Sharona’s so happy to see him, I can’t figure it out. He treated her so badly. He was never faithful. He drank, he gambled. I guess I never appreciated how lonely Sharona’s been. She wants to forgive him. She wants to believe in him. Am I jealous? Is that it, do you think? Or maybe, maybe I’m afraid he’s gonna take her away. What do you think?

Adrian Monk gets up his chair.

Monk: Or maybe I’m…I’m just feeling bad about Benjy’s birthday. Ah, he hated my gift. I could tell. A rock-polisher. What was I thinking? Why couldn’t I just buy him a regular toy? I’m so tired being different. I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted, I…I don’t have to tell you about being exhausted. You don’t know how lucky you are. Sleeping. Sleeping through it all. Not a care in the world. Take my advice. Savor these moments.

Adrian Monk, and Sharona Feming visit the house of Brian Babbage.

Sharona: Wow, this is a nice house. Brian did pretty well.
Monk: So, how are things with Trevor?
Sharona: Great! He’s really turned his life around.
Monk: Think so?
Sharona: What, you don’t trust him?

Adrian Monk shrugs.

Sharona: Mmm, you don’t trust anybody.
Monk: That’s true. Although, I’m hardly ever wrong.
Sharona: I’m telling you. He’s a different man. He’s not drinking. He’s got a job. I mean people change. Not you, but other people.
Monk: Good, I’m glad.
Sharona: Can’t you be happy for me?
Monk: I am. I’m glad. This is me, being glad. I was just telling Brian how happy Benjy seems.
Sharona: Brian who?

Sharona Fleming rings the doorbell.

Monk: Brian Babbage.
Sharona: The coma guy?!
Monk: Yeah.
Sharona: He woke up?
Monk: Nah…no.
Sharona: But you were talking to him.
Monk: He’s a good listener.

A young Asian woman answers the door. There appears to be a party inside the house.

Sharona: Oh, hi. I’m Sharona Fleming, and this is Adrian Monk. We’re helping the police investigate…
Woman: He didn’t wake up, did he?
Sharona: No.
Woman: Oh! Thank God! Come on in.
Monk: Do you mind if we look around?
Woman: Go right ahead. I’m just the maid.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming inspect a room.

Monk: What is all this weird stuff?

Adrian Monk sees a magazine left on a chair with the Bay Area Laywers Rated Best &Worst article flagged.

Monk: He was looking for a lawyer.
Sharona: That’s no surprise. He was suing his whole family.
Monk: No, no, no. These are criminal lawyers. Look at the name he circled: “Scott Butterworth”.
Sharona: I know that name.
Monk: Suspended twice. He was a hack. Brian Babbage could afford any attorney in town. Why would…why would anyone want to hire a bad lawyer?
Sharona: Is that blood?

Adrian Monk inspects the blood that oozed out the door of another room.

Monk: No, It’s just ketchup.

Adrian Monk pushes the door.

Monk: Ugh. Ugh!

Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk enter the room, and finds bottle of ketchups hanging from the ceiling. Some of them have already fallen.

Monk: There’s something you don’t see every day.

Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming talk to the maid.

Monk: Excuse me. We noticed the ketchup bottles.
Maid: In the closet?
Sharona: Why would he do that?
Maid: We were araid to ask. Mr. Babbage hates questions.

The maid cuts the string that tied a package.

Monk: What are you doing?
Maid: I always open the mail, to pay the bills.

The maid cuts another part of the string.

Sharona: Oh, my God!
Monk: Don’t open that!

Adrian Monk grabs the package and throws it in the toilet. He closes the bathroom door, and the package explodes. Adrian Monk screams as he gets blown away. Later, the police arrive at the crime scene.

Stottlemeyer: Okay. They pieced together enough of the package to get a postmark. It was mailed from Pacific Heights two days ago.
Disher: Different post office, same type of explosive.

Adrian Monk shouts.

Monk: Well, don’t use that bathroom! It’s a mess!
Sharona: You don’t have to shout!
Monk: Why are you whispering?!
Sharona: Residual auditory trauma from the blast. It’ll clear up in a few hours.
Stottlemeyer: Monk. Monk, can you hear me? Do you have any idea who might have done it?
Monk: Brian Babbage!
Stottlemeyer: No! The bomb was mailed to Brian Babbage. Somebody just tried to kill him.
Monk: He sent the bomb to himself so nobody would suspect him! Did you see the ketchup bottles?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I did.

Adrian Monk pops his hears.

Monk: Pretty weird, huh?
Disher: Captain, ATF three o’clock.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, gimme something else. Anything. Any theory besides the coma guy. If you were to tell me that Howdy Doody was behind this, it would make more sense.
Monk: Howdy Doody? Why would Howdy Doody be sending people mail bombs? Wasn’t he a puppet?
Sharona: He was just using that as an example.
Monk: Or maybe he was just using that as an example!
Grooms: Captain! D.A. won’t hold Ricky Babbage. I was hoping this might change your mind. Oh, you can’t be serious. You still think Rip Van Winkle’s behind this?
Stottlemeyer: We believe Brian Babbage was involved, yes. We just don’t know how.
Grooms: And by we, you mean, you and your consultant.
Monk: Yeah, I’m pretty sure Howdy Doody was a puppet!
Grooms: How was your career, Captain? Did you enjoy it?

Benjy is at home playing a videogame with his dad.

Trevor: So, do you remember me at all?
Benjy: I remember going camping.
Trevor: That’s right. Yeah, you were four years old. We went to, uh, Wisconsin Dells. And you, you fell off the rock. Do you remember that? You almost scared us half to death? Huh? I bet you still got the scar. Do you?

Benjy shows his dad the scar on his knee.

Trevor: Where is it? There it is. Wow! Well, I’ll tell ya. Wear it with pride, kid. It was a hell of a fall. Carried you two miles.
Benjy: Mom says she carried me.
Trevor: Yeah, well, we took turns. Hey, did you get the camera I sent you?
Benjy: Yeah. Um, mom says you never send any checks.
Trevor: Yeah, well…well, Benjy the important thing is, I’m here now, right? Hey, did your Mom tell you, I got a job? Managing a restaur…do you like hamburgers?
Benjy: Yeah.
Trevor: Oh, good. I’ll get you all the free hamburgers you want. Oh, which reminds me of something.

Trevor pulls out a swad of cash.

Trevor: Someone has got some back allowance coming.

Benjy: A hundred dollars? Thanks.
Trevor: Hey, Benj, listen. I screwed up, but it’s not gonna happen again. Okay?
Benjy: Okay, Dad.
Trevor: All right. I forgot. Which one, which one am I?
Benjy: Red.
Trevor: I’m the red one.
Benjy: Yeah.
Trevor: Whoa! You got me.
Benjy: It’s okay. You have three lives.
Trevor: Oh, is that right? Well, keep playin’, all right? I’m gonna talk to your mom.

Trevor Howe talks to Sharona Fleming.

Trevor: You hear that? I get three lives.
Sharona: You’re gonna need ‘em. You already used up two. You want a beer?
Trevor: Uh…what, you temptin’ me?

Trevor Howe pulls out his keychain, and shows it to Sharona.

Trevor: A.A. My 60-day chip.
Sharona: Two months?
Trevor: It’s a start. Sharona, if I had three lives, I’d spend one of them apologizing to you.
Sharona: And Benjy.
Trevor: And Benjy. And Benjy. Listen, you know, Monday I start the new restaurant gig, and I was thinking how nice it would be if I came home every day, and found you and Benjy there.
Sharona: In New Jersey?
Trevor: Well, it’s the Garden State. Don’t don’t say no. Don’t say no. Just…just think about it.
Sharona: Well, I, uh…what about my job? I just can’t leave Adrian.
Trevor: He’s an adult.
Sharona: Only somebody who didn’t know him would call him that. Trust me. I’m telling you.

Adrian Monk is at Brian Babbage’s hospital room.

Monk: She says she’s thinking about it, but I can tell she’s gonna go. Why should be different? Everybody leaves me. Trudy. Dr. Kroger. And now, Sharona. It’s like the national pastime. Comments? Any questions?

Adrian Monk notices the glass that’s not in place, and the drawer that was left open. He tidies up. He pulls out a watch from the drawer.

Monk: Is this our watch? You’re two minutes fast. Just relax. I’ll fix it. What’s that? Is that glue? What were you gluing?

There’s clattering from outside. Adrian Monk is startled, and knocks over a basket of flowers. The floor is now littered with soil.

Monk: Uh, excuse me! Hello? Uh, sorry?

Adrian Monk borrows the cleaning lady’s vacuum. He unplugs the life support machine, and plugs the vacuum. Brian Babbage starts choking, but Adrian Monk doesn’t notice, since the vacuum started to whir. Adrian Monk cleans up the soil on the floor. Brian Babbage’s heart starts to flatline. Adrian Monk hears the loud beeping sound. He turns off the vacuum, and plugs back in the life support.

Monk: Okay! Okay, Brian.

Adrian Monk starts to slap Brian back to consciousness.

Monk: Come on. Come back! Come ba—Oh, God. Aah! Come on. You can…

Adrian Monk starts to resuscitate him.

Monk: Brian? Come on! Come on, you and me. You and me. You and me, all the way. Come on, almost! Almost! Almost!

Brian Babbage’s heart starts again.

Monk: That’s got it! That’s got it!

Brian Babbage’s private nurse arrives.

Monk: He’s…he’s good. I mean, he’s great. I mean…he’s…he’s fine. Fine now.

Later, Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming have a word.

Sharona: Adrian, I’m gonna visit you all the time.
Monk: When are you going?
Sharona: Friday.
Monk: Friday? This Friday? Just like that. You’re just leaving me in the lurch.
Sharona: You’re not in the lurch.
Monk: I’m in the lurch! This is the lurch! I can feel it!
Sharona: My sister’s gonna look in on you. Hey, this is the best way. If I would have given you three week’s notice, you and I both know that you would have gone crazy. You know it.

Adrian Monk walks away.

Sharona: Oh, God, Adrian! I’m sorry. Look, this isn’t about me. It’s about Benjy. He needs his father. If his doesn’t work out, I’ll come back.
Monk: What if it does work out? What if you’re happy?
Sharona: Isn’t that good? I mean…I mean, didn’t you…ever think that…someday I might leave?
Monk: No. No, I wa…I was afraid to.

Ricky Babbage sees the two.

Ricky: Mr. Monk. Sharona! Sorry I’m late. I stopped off to visit a lady friend then I stopped off to visit her sister. Look, my lawyer said that you guys were very helpful, and it’s greatly appreciated. What happened at the hospital? Heard you pulled the plug on my brother.
Monk: I’m sorry that was an accident.
Ricky: Don’t apologize. I just got off the phone with his doctor. It turns out, you did the bastard a favor. It, uh…jump-started his neutrons or something. Anyway, he’s breathing’ on his own for the first time in months. All thanks to you.
Monk: Well, good. Glad to have helped.

Ricky Babbage brings Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk to his house.

Ricky: Be it ever so humble make yourselves at home. Geez, look at all this mail.
Sharona: Uh, don’t open any packages.
Ricky: Yeah, thanks. I’m not an idiot.

Adrian Monk fusses with the wallpaper that’s peeling off.

Ricky: Bills…mail…don’t bother. Won’t stick. Peels off every four weeks.
Monk: Oh my God. Sharona, I’ve got it!
Sharona: What?
Monk: The mail bombs. I know how he did it!

Adrian Monk sees Ricky opening a package.

Monk: What are you doing?
Ricky: Relax. They’re my cigars? From my guy in Key West? Nobody knows I get these.
Monk: Does your brother know?
Ricky: Yeah, Brian knows I get these.
Monk: It’s a bomb! Don’t open it!

Ricky Babbage throws the bomb, and Sharona Flreming catches it.

Sharona: Oh my God.
Monk: Do not…move. It’s okay. It’s okay. Just don’t move. It is now motion-sensitive. Don’t move. It’s okay.
Sharona: Stop saying “okay”, and do something!
Monk: Okay.
Ricky: Okay. Okay, I’m talking to the bomb squad, and they’re on their way.
Monk: There are no wire cutters in this cabinet.
Ricky: They’re right there in the tin bucket!

Adrian Monk pulls out the tin bucket.

Sharona: Will you hurry up? I don’t know how long I could stand like this.
Monk: Shh!
Ricky: Okay, he wants to know how many wires you see.
Monk: Four wires. Still want to quit?
Ricky: Four wires.
Monk: You’ll never have this much fun in New Jersey.
Ricky: He says cut the wire leading from the detonator to the battery.
Monk: There are two -- a blue and a red.

The device starts to beep rapidly.

Sharona: What is that?
Monk: Light turned green.
Ricky: Light turned green. He says you have ten seconds. Cut one of the wires!
Monk: Which one?
Ricky: Either one. It doesn’t matter!
Monk: Okay, blue. No, no, red.
Sharona: Oh, God!
Monk: Blue.
Sharona: Cut one! Cut the blue one!
Ricky: Five seconds!
Monk: Why blue?
Sharona: God! Well, cut the red one!
Monk: You said blue!
Ricky: Three seconds.
Sharona: Adrian, cut one!
Monk: I’ll cut ‘em both!

Adrian Monk cuts both wires, and the beeping stops.

Later, Sharona Fleming is walking with Lieutenant Randy Disher towards a mailbox.

Disher: You okay?
Sharona: Yeah, it was just your basic mail bomb. No big deal.
Disher: So I heard you’re leaving. New Jersey.
Sharona: You gonna miss me?
Disher: Nope. Well, maybe a little.
Sharona: Do me a favor and call me sometime…to remind me why I left.
Disher: I’ll do that.
Monk: Can everyone see?
Grooms: Yeah, we can see it’s just a mailbox. What the hell are we doing here?
Monk: Well, first off I’d like to thank United States postal worker Tamil Swarma for helping us out here today.
Tamil: We’re glad to help our brothers and sister in the law enforcement community. We just wear a different shade of blue, that’s all.
Disher: Yeah! Yeah.
Monk: Brian Babbage wanted to kill his brother and sister. He found a way to mail a bomb in May, but not have it be delivered until August. It was…quite brilliant, really.
Tamil: Yes, it was. Although by doing so, he violated two federal laws, and a score of postal regulations. Go on.
Monk: When I recently saw some wallpaper peeling off a wall it reminded me of the ketchup bottles in Brian Babbage’s closet. They were glued to the ceiling. The glue was the key.
Grooms: There was no glue in the bomb.
Stottlemeyer: It wasn’t part of the bomb. It was part of the delivery mechanism.
Monk and Tamil: Exactly.

Flashback ensues. Brian Babbage is gluing ketchup bottles on the ceiling.

Monk: It was an experiment. A stress test. The ketchup bottles weighed bout the same as the mail bombs. He was trying to find out how long they would stick before they fell off.
Grooms: I don’t get it.
Monk: Tamil.

Tamil opens the mailbox.

Monk: Four months ago, Brian Babbage went around the city late at night cracked open the panel on a couple of these mailboxes.
Tamil: These locks are pretty simple to pick. I’ve talked to my supervisors, but they don’t listen.
Monk: Tamil.
Tamil: Don’t make waves, you know?
Monk: Tamil.
Tamil: Everybody just wants to hit their twenty and get out.
Monk: I can take it from here. Brian put the bombs in the mailboxes, but he didn’t put them on the bottom with the rest of the mail. He glued them to the top.

Flashback: Brian Babbage glues the package to the top of the mailbox.

Monk: Nobody every looks up there. Why would they? Four months later, the glue dries up. The bomb falls down, and the next day, the mailman picks it up with the rest of the mail.
Stottlemeyer: It was like a time-released mail bobm.
Tamil: The U.S. Post Office unwittingly became the messenger of evil. Who’d have thunk it?
Monk: Well put, Tamil.
Sharona: By the time they were delivered, Brian had a perfect alibi.
Grooms: He put himself in a coma? That’s his alibi? That’s the stupidest plan I ever heard of. He came this close to killing himself.
Monk: I was stumped too, but then I realized that wasn’t his plan at all. No one would plan to be in the coma.
Stottlemeyer: His idea was to get himself arrested so he would be in jail when the bombs were delivered. That’s why he tried to lead us on a car chase. He figured he’d be in jail for seven or eight months.
Monk: He even picked out a terrible lawyer to make sure that he wouldn’t get off.
Stottlemeyer: But he screwed up and he hit a truck.
Disher: And a car then another car.
Monk: Brian Babbage stumbled…literally, by accident into the best alibi in the history of crime.
Grooms: Look, where’s your proof?
Monk: Brian Babbage woke up this morning. I’ve arranged for all of us to pay him a little visit.
Tamil: This is going to be great.
Monk: Not you.

Brian Babbage’s maid pays him a visit.

Maid: Mister Babbage.
Brian: Maria.
Maria: Oh! You’re awake! It’s a miracle. I came as soon as I heard. Sorry about your sister and your brother.
Brian: Thank you, Maria. The doctor just told me about them, I can’t…I can’t believe it.
Maria: I won’t stay long. I just wanted to welcome you back, and I brought you your mail.

Maria pulls out the slightly opened package.

Brian: What’s…what’s that?
Maria: I’m sorry, I started to open…
Brian: It’s a bomb. It’s a bomb! Get down! Get down!

Lieutenant Randy Disher pulls away the curtain to reveal Adrian Monk, Sharona Fleming, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, and Agent Grooms.

Monk: I can’t help but wonder what made you think that was a bomb, Mr. Babbage.
Disher: Brian Babbage? Good morning. You’re under arrest for the murder of your sister, Amanda.

Later, Trevor Howe arrives at Sharona Fleming’s house.

Trevor: Sharona? Benjy! The taxi’s here. Come on, guys. We’re gonna miss the plane. Sharona, whatever it is, leave it. The movers will get it tomorrow. Where’s Benjy?
Sharona: He’s at my sister’s.
Trevor: What? We gotta get goin’.
Sharona: We’re not goin’.
Trevor: What are you talkin’ about?
Sharona: Found the plane tickets last night. Detroit?
Trevor: Sharona. No. Sharona. Listen.
Sharona: Christ, I shoulda known.
Trevor: I…I just thought we could stop…I just thought we could stop on the way home, and see my Uncle Jack, that’s all.
Sharona: You don’t want to see Uncle Jack. You want your Uncle Jack to see me and Benjy. He cut you off after we split up, and now you’re trying to get back into his pocket.
Trevor: Look, the taxi’s outside. The meter’s runnin’. Let’s just. We’ll talk on the way, okay. Sharona, honey. The money is for bo…It’s for all of us. I mean, he’s richer than God. Why not take advantage of that?
Sharona: That’s all you’re good at, Trevor. Taking advantage. Why don’t you call Benjy and tell him that the only reason why you got back into his life is so that your rich uncle doesn’t cut you off.

Trevor Howe shrugs.

Sharona: Didn’t think so.
Trevor: What about Benjy? He needs a father.
Sharona: Yeah, that’s true. He does. So why don’t you come back when you’re ready to be one?
Trevor: Hey…

Adrian Monk sits at the stoop of Dr. Kroger’s house. Dr. Kroger’s taxi turns the corner.

Kroger: Uh, there it is. The house on the left there.

Dr. Kroger sees Adrian Monk at his stoop.

Kroger: Kee—keep going! Just go.
Driver: Where to?
Kroger: It doesn’t matter. Just go. Go. Go.

Hours later, Adrian Monk is still sitting on Dr. Kroger’s stoop. Sharona Fleming arrives.

Sharona: Hey! Thought you might be here. How ya doin’?
Monk: I’m good. I’m great. I’m living a dream.

Sharona sits beside him.

Monk: Where’s Trevor?
Sharona: Went home.
Monk: I’m sorry. I missed you.
Sharona: I missed you too. God I really did. Maybe I should see a shrink too.
Monk: Well, stick around. Dr. Kroger will be here any minute.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Sleeping Suspect” episode was written by Karl Schaefer. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.

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