Sunday, August 29, 2010

Lilith Needs A Favor – Frasier Transcript 10.13

Lilith Needs A Favor Frasier TranscriptLilith is on a plane. The man sitting beside him suddenly pulls down the shade of her window.

Man: Sorry. I’m a…nervous flyer.
Lilith: Yes, I see. Oh, you’re white as a sheet.
Man: Actually, I’m always this pale. My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was embarrassed, because I’d turn off-white.
Lilith: I can empathize. Sometimes after a late night, I’ve covered my undereye circles with Liquid Paper. So, are you traveling to Seattle for business or pleasure?
Man: Both, hopefully. I’m relocating for work. How about you?
Lilith: I need to ask an old friend for a favor.
Man: Hmm. It’s a long trip just to as for a favor.
Lilith: It’s a big favor.
Man: Well, I hope your friend complies.
Lilith: It’ll take some work but I’ll get what I want.  Continue reading...

The flight attendant passes by their seats.

Flight Attendant: Oh dear. You two look awfully pale. Can I bring you something?
Lilith: Not unless you have any extra melanin lying around.
Man: You should be a comedian.
Lilith: I’ve thought about it.

Frasier enters his apartment. Marty Crane who has just stepped out of the kitchen rushes to his room.

Frasier: Dad? Dad, Dad, what, are you hiding?
Marty: I heard the key in the door. I thought Lilith might be with you. What’s she coming for, anyway?
Frasier: Well, I don’t really know. She…she said she was flying across the country to ask me something very important. She’s being very mysterious about it.

The doorbell rings.

Marty: Is that her?
Frasier: Well, no. No, Dad. I’m not seeing her until tomorrow.
Marty: Well, let me know when she’s coming, will you, so I can come up with an excuse to clear out because I’m not good at winging it.

Frasier Crane opens the door.

Frasier: Oh, Lilith. Hi…uh…

Marty Crane freezes.

Frasier: Look who’s here, Dad.
Lilith: Hello, Martin.
Marty: Oh! Time to go practice my signature.
Frasier: Please, come on in Lilith. Uh, so, uh, I didn’t think I was going to be seeing you until tomorrow.
Lilith: Yes, I know that was the plan, but I just had to stop by on my way to the hotel. What I’m here to talk to you about is not something one just drops on another person. Please.

Lilith gestures that Frasier Crane take a seat. Frasier takes a seat.

Lilith: Frasier.

Lilith sighs.

Lilith: Frasier, recently a subconscious yearning has tunneled its way to the surface, and I now know what it is I need in order to make my life complete.
Frasier: Well, that’s wonderful news. How can I help?
Lilith: You can give me your sperm.
Frasier: I beg your pardon.
Lilith: I want to have another baby.
Frasier: Well, you certainly don’t need me for that. Surely, someone in Boston must have sperm.
Lilith: I came to you first so that Frederick could have a full sibling.
Frasier: So, just like that we’re going to have another baby together?
Lilith: No, no, no, not just like that. I mapped out our dominant and recessive traits on a genome square, applied Mendel’s laws, allowed for anomalies, and concluded that you are the best biological choice.
Frasier: I see. Well, as enticed as I am by your honeyed words. I’m gonna need some kissin’.
Lilith: Frasier, don’t misunderstand. I’m not proposing any change in our relationship.
Frasier: Would we sleep together?
Lilith: I thought we’d freeze your sperm.
Frasier: Is that a yes or a no?
Lilith: Natural fertilization isn’t practical. I’d have to fly to Seattle every time I ovulate.
Frasier: Right, okay, so then your plan is for me to visit some local doctor, uh, freeze my essence and then bring it home with you.
Lilith: Correct. I’ll take mine to go.
Frasier: I don’t know. I…I’m going to have to think about it.
Lilith: Yes, of course, absolutely. Think about it, and you can give me your answer tomorrow.
Frasier: Okay.

Lilith walks to the door.

Lilith: You can come back from around the corner now, Martin.
Marty: Good night, Lilith.
Lilith: Good night.

Lilith leaves. Marty Crane enters the living room.

Frasier: You were eavesdropping?
Marty: It was an accident. I only heard the part about her wanting to have another baby with you.
Frasier: She completely threw me.
Marty: Well, I don’t know why you’re so surprised. She’s seen what the Crane genes can do, and she’s coming back to the well.
Frasier: How does one respond to something like that.
Marty: Well, I bet if you say no, she’ll go to Niles.
Frasier: Really, it’s just so self-centered of her. You know, she’s got this all figured out for herself without the slightest consideration for my life.
Marty: And Niles will say no for sure, which means only one thing. She’ll come to the source. Me. The fountainhead.
Frasier: What?
Marty: Can you imagine? Lilith’s and my kid would be brothers to you and Niles and Freddy.
Frasier: What are you talking about? And if you and Lilith got back together, you’d be his stepfather, and his brother, and Niles would be your son, and his own uncle.
Marty: It’s almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story.

Frasier Crane is at Café Nervosa when Niles Crane arrives.

Frasier: Oh, hi Niles. Did Daphne and her mum get off okay?
Niles: Uh, yes, they picked up Roz and Alice an hour ago. Although, how they’re going to get all the way to Canada without killing each other, I don’t know.
Frasier: Why did they have to go so far?
Niles: Well, that was my idea. I read that Canadian Fun Country’s one of the best amusement parks in southeastern British Columbia.
Frasier: Oh, well. Daphne’s mum should be careful, you know. If you’re here on a temporary visa sometimes people have a difficult time getting back into the country.
Niles: That hadn’t occurred to me Frasier.
Frasier: Well, seeing as how you are single, I’d invite you to join me for dinner, but I’m meeting with Lilith tonight on a matter of some delicacy.
Niles: Uh, Dad told me. Now listen, don’t feel obligated because she’s buying you dinner.
Frasier: Truth be told, Niles, I haven’t ruled it out entirely. It would be nice to have another child, and Lilith is a wonderful mother. It’s just that well…is it right to create a human being with a woman to whom you couldn’t stand being married?
Niles: Well, I’m behind you whatever decision you make. The right one or the crazy one.
Frasier: Well, thank you.

A waiter passes by their table.

Niles: Excuse me, may I have an espresso?
Frasier: And what have you got here?
Niles: Oh, some snapshots from last summer at the beach. Daphne finally got them developed.
Frasier: Oh, there’s Dad eating a hotdog he dropped on the sand.
Niles: Yes.
Frasier: And you in your linen beach ensemble.
Niles: Very nice, yes. Well, that’s strange. Daphne said I’d particularly like the last picture on the roll, but what is it?
Frasier: Well, it’s hard to tell. It’s too dark and blurry.
Niles: Looks like the eye of Jupiter.
Frasier: Or a slice of pepperoni.
Niles: Is it a flying saucer?
Frasier: Yes, Niles. It’s a flying saucer. Mystery solved. Well done.

The waiter arrives with Niles espresso.

Waiter: Hey, where’d you get the nipple shot?
Frasier: Good Lord!

Niles Crane takes the picture, and hides it.

Niles: You are to erase that from your mind!
Frasier: Well, is it Daphne?
Waiter: Nice.
Niles: You’re not erasing! Erase!

Daphne is driving with Roz, Gertrude, and Alice. Roz takes a sip from her drink.

Roz: I need to stop again.
Daphne: We just stopped. I told you not to get that Big Gulp.
Roz: But it was only ten cents more.
Alice: Punchbuggy blue.

Alice punches Gertrude Moon’s arm.

Gertrude: Ow! Dammit!
Daphne: Language!
Gertrude: Why does she keep doing that?
Roz: It’s a game.
Gertrude: It hurts.
Daphne: All right, Mum.
Roz: There’s a gas station right here. I really need to stop.
Daphne: I can’t get over. You have to wait.
Roz looks at the note on her drink.

Roz: But according to this my bladder is holding “thirsty”-two ounces of soda.
Daphne: It’s only forty miles.
Alice: Punchbuggy red.

Alice punches Gertrude Moon’s arm.

Gertrude: Oh, son of a …
Daphne: Language.
Roz: Alice, honey. Stop hitting Mrs. Moon. She can’t take the punchbuggy game.
Gertrude: Oh, really? Punchbuggy white.

Gertrude Moon punches Roz Doyle.

Roz: Ow! It was a jeep.
Gertrude: I like playing with Jeeps, and Fords. Punchbuggy Ford!

Gertrude Moon slaps Roz Doyle’s head. Roz Doyle turns around to attack Gertrude.

Daphne: All right, that’s enough! You stop it, or no one’s going to Canadian Fun Country, and this time, I mean it.

Gertrude screams. Everybody screams.

Gertrude: I’m sorry. I thought you were on the wrong side of the road. I will never get used to the crazy way you drive over here.
Daphne: Mum, you have to stop doing that.
Roz: Daphne, you seem stressed. Do you want me to drive for a while?
Daphne: Maybe once we get out of Seattle.

Frasier Crane and Lilith are at a restaurant.

Lilith: Frasier, I don’t want to rush you, but the suspense is too much to bear. Have you decided?
Frasier: I’m thinking about the linguini.
Lilith: I see. It’s “no” then, isn’t it?
Frasier: I’m sorry Lilith. This was a very difficult decision for me, and I am touched and flattered that you came to me, but I’m not sure I’d be doing it for the right reasons. You understand, don’t you?
Lilith: Yes, I do. And I appreciate you taking the time to think about it.
Frasier: Well.
Lilith: It’s that kind of consideration I was hoping to pass on to our second-born. Oh, well. So, the pasta’s good here?
Frasier: Oh, the best!

Lilith starts to sing to the tune of Ode to Joy.

Lilith: My dad is the gweatest dad, because he cooks me cweam of wheat…
Frasier: Lilith, what are you singing?
Lilith: Was I singing?
Frasier: You were singing “My Dad is the Gweatest Dad”.
Lilith: Oh you mean that song Frederick wrote for you when he was four?
Frasier: That video is one of my prize possessions.
Lilith: Of course, I haven’t looked at it in some time. I remember the night we surprised you with it. He crawled up in your lap and said, “Why is Daddy cwying?”
Frasier: I see what you’re doing, you know.
Lilith: What?
Frasier: You are attempting to manipulate me by invoking powerful, emotional memories. I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.
Waiter: Are you ready to order?
Lilith: Yes. I’d like the bisketti with beatmalls.
Waiter: Mmm, very good, Miss.
Lilith: That’s what our son used to say when he was three.
Waiter: Excellent!
Frasier: And I’ll have the veal.
Waiter: Bravo, Sir.
Frasier: Lilith, I’m afraid you’re idealizing parenthood. Do you remember colic? Teething? Changing mountains of diapers?
Lilith: Do you remember that time in the bath when he tried to eat the bubbles? We told him to stop, but we kept laughing so he thought it was funny and kept doing it.
Frasier: You know, I’ve forgotten about that. Oh, I wish we had that on video.
Lilith: We can, Frasier. We can have those days back again. Please. I just need a couple of teaspoons.
Frasier: Lilith.
Lilith: Just think about what Frederick has meant in our lives.
Frasier: I think about it everyday.
Lilith: Frasier, we’re always seeking ways we can leave a legacy. Well, forget my research, and your work. This is it. What better gift can we bestow on the world, but another person as wonderful as Frederick?

A waiter passes by.

Frasier: Excuse me, um, I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided that I, too, will have the bisketti and beatmalls.

Frasier Crane joins Niles Crane at his table at Café Nervosa.

Frasier: Gosh, that coffee smells so good.
Niles: Mmm.
Frasier: Lilith wouldn’t let me have caffeine until I’ve made my little donation.
Niles: Ah, yes.
Frasier: So, have you heard from Daphne?
Niles: No, we keep missing each other. I’m just glad I have our little pictorial memento to keep me company.
Frasier: I can’t believe you’re so taken with that blurry overexposed photo of a…
Niles: Shh!
Frasier: Of what you first mistook to be a flying saucer.
Niles: I just think it’s sexy that she even did it.
Frasier: Yeah.
Niles: Imagine it…she saw there was one picture left on the roll in a spontaneous moment of brazen exhibitionism, she threw open her blouse, and just didn’t even bother to adjust the f-stop. Yes, indeed! I am married to one spicy meatball.
Frasier: Good Lord, don’t tell me you carry it around with you.
Niles: Well, I didn’t want the housekeeper to find it, and think we were pornographers.


Frasier Crane and Lilith are in the fertility clinic.

Woman: Just fill out these forms, and I can show you to one of our donation suites.
Frasier: Thank you.

Frasier Crane takes a seat, and fills out the form.

Man: Will this be your first?
Frasier: No, I’ve been doing this since I was twelve.

Lilith touches Frasier with her foot.

Frasier: You mean baby. Uh, no, no. This is our second.
Man: We’ve got number four on the way.
Frasier: Oh.
Lilith: And we’re thrilled for you, but perhaps we can chat some other time when we’re not trying to create life.

Lilith points on the form.

Lilith: Sign and date.
Frasier: Right.

Lilith takes the forms, and goes over to the counter.

Man: This process can be hard on a relationship, but she’ll relax and things will get better.
Frasier: We’re already divorced.
Man: Good, ‘cause she’ll never change.
Lilith: Up, and at ‘em.
Frasier: Oh.
Nurse: Follow me, sir.

The nurse opens the door to a room.

Nurse: Just go ahead in and make yourself comfortable. You’ll find everything you need in the cabinet.
Frasier: Thank you.
Lilith: Uh, wait, Frasier. It probably doesn’t matter, but try to think positive thoughts.
Frasier: Thanks for that. I wasn’t going to think about the plight of the American Indian.
Lilith: I’m just saying we should put the welfare of the sample first.
Frasier: Mm-hmm.

Frasier Crane closes the door. Lilith taps her finger.

Frasier: Yes?
Lilith: And don’t fall asleep afterwards. I want to get these puppies on ice ASAP.
Frasier: Goodbye, now!

Lilith walks away then returns. She taps her finger on the door.

Lilith: Just a hint.
Frasier: Lilith! If there is one thing I can do by myself, this is it. Now, go away.

The nurse walks over to the other couple.

Nurse: Right this way.

Lilith calls Frasier on the phone. Frasier Crane walks out the room.

Frasier: What?!
Lilith: I just remembered a special method which supposedly increases the likelihood of having a boy.
Frasier: I see. Is there something I can do to increase the likelihood that we won’t have a nettling control freak?
Lilith: No, but perhaps you could use some method that will give us a baby that can take other people’s advice.
Frasier: I will settle for a method where it won’t turn out to be a sarcastic prig!
Lilith: Oh, just do it.
Frasier: Fine!
Lilith: Oh, wait. I don’t want you to do it when you’re mad. Why don’t we just take a minute and sit down and breathe?
Frasier: It’s your dime.

Frasier Crane and Lilith take a seat.

Frasier: Oh, dear God. What if this child inherits all of our flaws instead of our strengths? We could create a real nightmare.
Lilith: That’s not going to happen. It’s going to be exactly the way it was the first time.
Frasier: Is that what’s going on here? Are we trying to create a baby or just trying to recreate the past? I mean, Frederick’s almost grown now. It’s only natural to feel a sense of loss.
Lilith: Frasier, don’t be simplistic.
Frasier: Lilith, I…I know what you’re going through. You want to feel needed and loved as you were when you were a new mother. The past can be seductive. I mean I’ve fallen into it, too. I’m trying to relive Freddy’s childhood, but…you can’t use the past to fill what’s missing in the present. It’s gone.
Lilith: Frasier, I’ve done a lot of thinking, and this feels right to me.
Frasier: But it’s not right for me. I’m sorry.
Lilith: I’m sorry too.

Lilith walks away in tears. Frasier grabs her, and gives her a hug.

Frasier: You all right?
Lilith: I’ll be fine. If I can’t make another little Frederick with you, there’s always cloning. And you still don’t know when I’m joking.
Frasier: And…I…Lilith, what are you gonna do now?
Lilith: Well, I’m going to go home, and give Frederick a very big hug, and maybe swab the inside of his cheek.
Frasier: Oh, stop that!

Niles Crane arrives at Frasier’s house. Marty is on his chair eating.

Niles: Oh, you already ate. I was gonna take you to Bogart’s.
Marty: Bogart’s? Oh, don’t worry about that. I was just eating it because it was here. I wasn’t eating it to get full. Just give me two minutes.

Niles Crane’s phone rings.

Niles: Hello?
Daphne: Oh, Niles, darling.
Niles: Daphne!
Daphne: I thought I’d never reach you. We were booted from the park and are coming home. It seems someone put out a cigarette on a stuffed moose.
Gertrude: I didn’t know it was stuffed. I was defending myself.
Niles: I loved those pictures you left for me. More specifically, the last one.
Daphne: Something a little different, eh?
Niles: Indeed, it is.

Niles pulls out the picture from his suit pocket.

Niles: I can’t even believe you took it.
Daphne: I didn’t take it. Your father did.
Niles: No, I don’t think so. I’m talking about the last picture on the roll. The close-up.
Daphne: Yeah. Your father was trying to get a picture of Eddy, but instead he got a picture of his own chest.
Niles: This is Dad’s…
Daphne: That’s his nipple.

Niles Crane is grossed out. Marty Crane enters the living room.

Marty: Can’t wait to get to Bogart’s. I know just what I’m gonna get…the barbecued chicken breast. They have the juiciest one in town or the lamb. They serve an enormous rack.
Niles: That’s great.
Marty: Uh, you might want to get an overcoat of Frasier’s out of there. It’s supposed to be nippy tonight.

Frasier Crane arrives.

Frasier: Oh, hi, Dad.
Marty: Hi.
Frasier: Where you going?
Marty: Oh, Niles is here. We’re just going out for a bite. Do you want to join us?
Frasier: Sure.
Marty: So, uh, how’s Lilith?
Frasier: I just dropped her off at the airport. She’s disappointed, but she knows that we’re doing the right thing.
Marty: Well, for what it’s worth, I think you are, too, son.
Frasier: Oh, thanks, Dad. Just hope she finds what’s missing in her life.

Lilith sulks in her seat in the plane.

Man: Hey, Pasty.

The man is the same pale man who sat next to her on the plane to Seattle.

Lilith: Oh, hello.
Man: May I?
Lilith: Yes, certainly. What happened? I thought you were relocating to Seattle.
Man: Uh, it wasn’t a fit. I’m going back to Boston. I don’t know. Call me neurotic. I just can’t work in a lab that’s not immaculate.
Lilith: You work in a lab.
Man: Mmm, I’m a physicist.
Lilith: Really? My name’s Lilith.

The two shake hands.

Lilith: Ah, the demon goddess. Are you like the, uh, independent fireball that was your predecessor? I make her look like a vacillating cream puff.
Man: Albert.

The two shake hands once again.

Albert: What happened with your friend? Did you get your favor?
Lilith: It’s a long story.
Albert: Well, it’s a long flight.

Niles Crane is at Frasier’s apartment. He pulls out the nipple photo, and looks at it, and almost faints. He sits on his father’s chair, and is disgusted. He rips the photo, and throws the photo in the trash. Marty Crane turns around holding two plates of ice cream with a cherry on top. Niles is disgusted.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Lilith Needs a Favor” episode was written by Lori Kirkland. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

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