Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are at El Portal theater watching Sharona’s sister’s play Blood on the Moon.
Woman: Henry, you just sit there, and read those baseball scores. Don’t let me bother you, huh? Where that girl is? She was supposed to be back here an hour ago with the groceries. Dinner’s gonna be late. Thinks the world revolves around her. You were talking in your sleep again, Henry.
Sharona Fleming turns to an uncomfortable Adrian Monk.
Sharona: What do you think so far?
Monk: There’s no legroom. It’s so crowded.
Sharona: It’s supposed to be crowded. It’s sold out. You know, this play is going to New York. Can you believe it? My sister in an off-Broadway show?
Monk: So where is she?
Sharona: She’s in the next scene. She kills a guy.
Monk: I hope it’s the guy who designed these seats.
Gail Fleming enters the stage.
Sharona: There she is.
An actor comes out from behind the door, and closes it.
Hal: Hey, Cuz. You miss me? Hope you don’t mind. I let myself in.
Gail: But you’re supposed to be in jail.
Hal: It’s funny that phrase, “supposed to be”. I’m supposed to be in jail. You’re supposed to be waiting for me. A man can’t count on “supposed to be” the way he used to.
Gail: You know, my husband’s upstairs. If he hears you he’ll come down.
Hal: Your husband’s downtown drowning himself in scotch and soda. I saw him leave about an hour ago.
Hal fusses with Gail’s blouse.
Gail: I’ve got some money in my purse. Why don’t you just take it and go?
Hal: You think I want your pocket change? You think that’s why I came back?
Hal overturns the table. Gail screams. She secretly pulls out a knife.
Hal: Who ordered the tossed salad?
Hal: I came back for what’s mine.
Gail: You know, if you don’t leave, I’ll—
Hal: You’ll what? Huh? You’ll do nothin’! Like I said, I’m here for what’s mine.
Gail stabs the man. Hal screams. Then he struggles to stay up. Gail whispers.
Gail: Hal, are you okay?
Hal falls on the floor then convulses.
Gail: Hal? Hal?
Sharona turns to Adrian Monk.
Sharona: Is she supposed to say Hal?
Gail: Hal, are you all right?
Sharona: Oh my God.
The director runs to the stage. People start to murmur.
Director: Is there a doctor in the house? Anyone!
Doctor: I’m a doctor.
The doctor goes over Hal. Gail talks to the director.
Gail: I thought I grabbed the prop knife. It was supposed to…it was supposed to be the prop knife.
Doctor: He’s dead.
Woman: Oh, my God.
Doctor: He’s been stabbed!
Everyone turns to Gail Fleming. Later, the police interrogates Gail Fleming.
Stottlemeyer: Do not insult us. There were three hundred people in that theater.
Randy: They all saw it, Gail.
Gail: I can’t tell you what they saw. I can only tell you what I did.
Stottlemeyer: I can tell you what they saw. They saw you pick up a five-inch kitchen knife, and plunge it into Hal Duncan’s chest then they saw him fall, dead.
Gail: I didn’t do it. Come on, Randy. You know me.
Stottlemeyer: You two are pals?
Randy: Yeah. Well, no. Not exactly. We met last year. Gail, I can’t help you here.
Stottlemeyer: All right, Gail. Why don’t we go…
Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are at the other room watching the interrogation through the two-way mirror.
Sharona: She’s scared to death. I gotta go in thre.
Monk: Sharona, you can’t.
In the interrogation room.
Gail: Okay. There are two knives onstage. One of them is real. I use it to cut a tomato in the second act. The other one is retractable so it looks like he’s being stabbed.
Stottlemeyer: Right. There are two knives onstage. Knife number one is on the counter. Knife number two is sticking in the guy’s chest.
Randy: Look, here’s the problem, Gail. Both knives were real.
Gail: There’s no way. I’m telling you. It was a prop knife. I can tell the difference.
Stottlemeyer: Look, Gail. I like you.
Randy: We both like you.
Stottlemeyer: So please, stop insulting us.
Gail: Why would I kill him in front of everybody?
Randy: People do it everyday.
Stottlemeyer: You were having a relationship with the victim. You’d been seeing him for nearly a year.
Gail: It was just seven months.
Randy: He broke it off. You were upset. You sent him some e-mails. They were pretty emotional. That’s what I heard.
Gail: Who have you been talking to, Randy? The crew?
Stottlemeyer: You wanted to teach your boyfriend a lesson. You were pissed off. You did it in public. You didn’t care. So you took a knife from home, you switched it with the knife on the stage, and then you stuck him in the chest. Everybody saw you.
Gail: He’s not my boyfriend.
Stottlemeyer: No! Not anymore. Now Gail, I…
At the other side of the two-way mirror, Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk watch.
Sharona: I feel so helpless. Can’t you do anything?
Adrian Monk shrugs.
The next day, Adrian Monk is at Sharona Fleming’s house.
Sharona: Okay, I got toothpaste, toothbrush, magazines. I’m allowed to bring her a towel, right?
Monk: I don’t know.
Sharona: How long can they hold her?
Monk: Second-degree murder? The D.A.’s gonna try to deny her bail until she confesses.
Sharona: Why would she confess? What? You think she did it?
Monk: Sharona, I don’t know what to tell you. I was there. So were you.
Sharona: You know. I don’t accept that. She said she was innocent. Things aren’t always what they seem. Isn’t that what you taught me?
Monk: Sharona, she stabbed the guy in front of three hundred people. Look, I’m not a magician.
Sharona: Yes, you are. You turn things around all the time. You do it for strangers every day. So how come you can’t do it for my sister?
Someone rings the doorbell.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Sharona: Oh, no!
Monk: “Oh, no,” what? Sharona, who is out there?
Sharona: My mom! I totally forgot she was coming. She flew in from Florida to see the play. This is gonna kill her!
The doorbell rings again.
Sharona: Oh, no. Look. Look, I might have told her some things that weren’t exactly true.
Monk: Like what?
Sharona: Like, Benjy’s on the honor roll.
Monk: Oh, okay. No problem.
Sharona: Okay, thanks.
Sharona Fleming makes her way to the door.
Sharona: Oh! Oh, oh, oh. And—and I also told her that my rent is only nine-hundred dollars a month. And, and , and, and I broke up with Steve, the florist I was dating. He didn’t break up with me. Oh, oh! Oh, oh, and, and also that I am seeing a really nice guy, Ronnie, who’s a stockbroker, but he’s out of town this weekend. Oh, oh, and you have a full medical plan, including dental, and, uh, I’m not your assistant. I’m your partner. Is that okay?
Monk: Yeah. Wow! Congratulations.
Sharona: Thank you.
Sharona opens the door.
Sharona: Hi, Mom!
Cheryl: Hello. Oh, I thought the bell was broken.
Sharona: Oh, I’m sorry. We were in the kitchen. How come…howcome you didn’t call me? I would have picked you up.
Cheryl: I’m not an invalid. I grabbed a taxi. You look wonderful. Come here.
Sharona: Oh, Ma.
Sharona Fleming and her mom hug.
Cheryl: Ah! I was so sorry to hear about Steve, but I say, good riddance. You’re too good for the schlub. Oh! Is this our stockbroker?
Monk: Uh, no. I’m not your stockbroker. He’s out of town. His name is Ronnie. That’s all.
Sharona: Um, um, this is Adrian, remember?
Cheryl: Oh, the partner. The partner in crime.
Adrian Monk and Sharona’s mom shake hands.
Monk: Mrs. Fleming.
Cheryl: Oh, no. Call me Cheryl.
Sharona: Not now.
Cheryl: Where’s Benjy? I brought him a new baseball glove.
Sharona: Oh, he’s not here. He’s sleeping over at a friend’s house.
Cheryl: You forgot I was coming, didn’t you? No, that’s all right. I understand. You’re probably so excited about the show. So, how was it last night? Tell me everything. How was Gail? Were there any reviews?
Sharona: Hey, Ma, you know what? There’s, there’s something I’ve got to tell you.
Cheryl: What? A bad review?
Monk: Uh, you might wanna sit down, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Oh, no, I’m fine, I’ve been sittin’ all day.
Sharona: Ma, you know what? I think it’s best that we sit down.
Sharona: Something happened last night at the show.
Sharona and Cheryl sit.
Monk: There was a stabbing.
Cheryl: Oh, you mean, in the audience?
Monk: No, uh, no. Onstage, uh, during the show. The actor who was playing Burt was killed. Gail…stabbed him.
Cheryl: Oh, I know. I read the script.
Monk: No, no, Cheryl, he died.
Cheryl: Oh, I don’t understand.
Sharona: Neither do we. Uh, the police think that she might have done it on purpose.
Monk: She’s been arrested for murder in the second degree. There’s a bail hearing tomorrow.
Cheryl Fleming scoffs.
Cheryl: No. I don’t believe it. It’s a mistake, right?
Monk: The police don’t think so.
Cheryl: Well, they’re wrong. Well, you’re gonna help her, right? I mean, that’s what you do. You’re a couple of detectives, right?
Monk: Of course, we’re going to help her. After all, we’re…we’re a couple of detectives. Right?
At the theater…
Guy: What? What? What? Forget it. Forget it.
Sharona Fleming approaches the guy. Monk and Cheryl follow her.
Sharona: Excuse me. We’re looking for Gail Fleming’s dressing room.
Man: And you are.
Cheryl: We’re her mother.
The guy points to the backstage.
Guy: Backstage, then down the stairs.
Sharona Fleming turns to Adrian Monk.
Sharona: We’ll be right back. We’re just gonna pick up her stuff.
Sharona Fleming makes her way to the backstage, and her mother follows her. Cheryl inspects an apple in a bowl. She takes a bite from it.
O’Dell: Hey, hey, hey. Don’t eat those. They’re props.
Cheryl: And you are?
O’Dell: I’m O’Dell. I’m the prop master.
Cheryl: Well, they taste terrible.
O’Dell: But they look delicious, and that’s the point.
Cheryl Fleming hands O’Dell the apple, and walks away.
Sharona: It’s just an apple.
At the dressing room, a young woman is rehearsing.
Jenna: It hurts, Mama. It hurts worse than anything else I’ve ever felt.
Sharona and Cheryl Fleming enter the dressing room.
Jenna: Can I help you?
Sharona: Um, yeah. I’m…I’m Sharona, Gail’s sister.
Cheryl: And I’m her mother.
Cheryl Fleming extends her hand. She and the young woman shake hands.
Cheryl: Who are you, dear?
Jenna: Jenna Ryan.
Cheryl: Oh, hello, dear.
Sharona: I…I thought this was her dressing room.
Jenna: It is. I was. I’m her understudy. Can I help you?
Sharona: Yeah, we’re just here to pick up her stuff.
Jenna: Oh, sure. Oh, I put them right here.
Jenna Ryan grabs Gail’s bag.
Jenna: Here you go.
Sharona: You couldn’t fold them?
Jenna: Look, I know you’re Gail’s family, but it’s very hard for me to be sympathetic. I just came from Hal Duncan’s wake.
Sharona: Gail didn’t do it.
Jenna: I’m sorry. You’re right. She’s innocent until proven guilty. I guess I’m a little nervous. I have a show on Friday. It’s my opening night. I want you to know I wanted this part, but I never wanted to get it like this.
Sharona clears her throat.
Sharona: Look, my boss, uh, my associate and I are working with the police. We’d like to ask you a couple questions.
Jenna: I’m kinda busy. Um, how about…
Jenna Ryan looks at her planner.
Jenna: Tomorrow? Two o’clock. Come by the apartment. 3198 Green Village Road.
Sharona: Fine. We’ll be there.
Sharona and her mother look annoyed. Sharona leaves. Cheryl follows her, but stays behind a little bit.
Cheryl: Um…um, Jenna?
Cheryl: Break a leg.
Adrian Monk is inspecting a toolbox.
O’Dell: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Monk: Uh, I was just…nothing.
O’Dell: Hey, don’t fiddle with the props. I’ve got to know where these are in the dark, by touch, at a moment’s notice. I’ve been juggling props for forty-four years. Ask me about the first prop I ever bought.
Monk: What was the…
O’Dell: The sword Richard Burton used in Camelot. I had to go to Scotland to get it. Really? Wow.
Monk: I’m, uh, I’m Adrian Monk, and this is Sh—she’s usually right here. This is a terrible week. I’ll bet.
O’Dell: Hey, that wasn’t my fault. The cops had me under the lights all night long. I told them…I put the prop knife on the set. We use two knives on this show. A real one, and one like this.
O’Dell pulls out a prop knife. He stabs himself with it.
Monk: Hey, whoa!
The knife retracts. O’Dell laughs.
O’Dell: Don’t wet yourself. The blade retracts into the handle. Gail must have switched the gag knife for the real one before the show.
Monk: May I?
Adrian Monk takes the knife.
O’Dell: See? It doesn’t feel like a real knife at all, does it?
O’Dell: She had to know she was holding a real knife. What happened onstage Sunday night, that was no accident. That was a woman scorned. “Hell hath no fury,” right?
Monk: And you’re sure you put a fake knife on the stage?
O’Dell: I swear. I put it there myself, half an hour before curtain.
Monk: And there was nobody else here?
O’Dell: Nope. Except Jenna. Jenna Ryan, Gail’s understudy. She was checking in. They check in before the show, see if anybody’s sick.
Sharona and Cheryl Fleming arrive.
Sharona: We’re all set. It’s killing me that we can’t see her.
Monk: She’s not allowed any visitors until the bail hearing.
Sharona: I can’t believe this is happening.
Cheryl: There’s nothing we can do today. Let’s get a manicure.
Sharona: A manicure?
Cheryl: Come on. It’ll be fun. If we just go home, we’re gonna go crazy.
O’Dell: There’s a salon around the corner…Alberta’s. All the ladies in the show go there.
Cheryl: What do you say?
Sharona Fleming groans. Later, Sharona, Cheryl and Adrian Monk are at the salon.
Man: Nothing, nothing, noth…hold on. Hold on. No. Nothing. Saturday, nothing. Ouch. I don’t have an opening for another two weeks. I’m sorry.
Cheryl: Not even for a manicure?
Sharona: Don’t you have any cancellations?
Man: Well, Luna can put you on the waiting list, but, uh, why don’t you try Scissor Wiz? They’ll take anyone.
Adrian Monk looks over the planner.
Monk: Excuse me. Uh, Jenna Ryan…is she a customer?
Cheryl: Gail’s understudy.
A phone rings, and the man walks away to answer it.
Monk: Right. She has an appointment for tomorrow.
Sharona: So? She wants to look good for her debut.
Monk: But, but look. According to this, she made this appointment two weeks ago. How did she know she’d be onstage?
Sharona: I don’t know. Coincidence?
Sharona: So what are you saying?
Monk: I’m saying you might be right. Your sister may have been framed, and I think the understudy could have had something to do with it.
The man hangs up the phone, and looks at Adrian Monk.
Man: Who did your perm? I…I absolutely love it.
Gail’s trial begins…
Prosecutor: Captain Stottlemeyer, you have been investigating the violent murder of Hal Duncan?
Stottlemeyer: That’s correct.
Cheryl turns on to Sharona.
Cheryl: Look at her. She’s lost weight.
Sharona: How can you tell from here?
Cheryl: I can tell.
Prosecutor: And who is that suspect?
Stottlemeyer: Miss Gail Fleming. Um…uh, may I say something? You Honor, in my opinion, Ms. Fleming is not a flight risk. You see, I know her family, I work with her sister…
Prosecutor: Your Honor, there is an avalanche of evidence against Ms. Fleming.
The light by the door keeps on buzzing, and Adrian Monk keeps on turning his head to look at it.
Prosecutor: I hardly know where to begin. She had motive, she was obsessed with the victim…
Adrian Monk stands up.
Prosecutor: The attack was witnessed by three hundred people.
Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Your Honor. I would also like to mention that I have a consultant working on the case.
Adrian Monk walks up to the light fixture, and touches it.
Stottlemeyer: He’s a former homicide detective. He’s somebody I respect a great deal, and um,
Adrian Monk stands up on one of the benches, and inspects the light fixture.
Stottlemeyer: He has serious doubts about what happened.
Adrian Monk taps the light fixture.
Judge: What is his name?
Stottlemeyer: Adrian Monk. Your Honor, he’s, uh, in the courtroom, uh, and he’s ready and willing to testify.
Judge: Oh, yes. I know Mr. Monk. Hello Adrian!
Adrian Monk turns to look at the judge.
Monk: Your Honor.
Adrian Monk waves his hand. The judge signals that he step down from the bench.
Judge: I, uh, presided over his last competency hearing. He couldn’t testify until I adjusted my robe.
Adrian Monk steps down from the bench, and the light burns out.
Stottlemeyer: I remember. Right.
Judge: You see, it had to be even.
Judge: Perfectly even.
Stottlemeyer: Uh, look, Your Honor…I know he’s a little unorthodox, but he’s a great cop.
Judge: I’m refusing this petition. Bail is denied.
The judge bangs her gavel.
Prosecutor: Thank you, Your Honor.
Judge: The court is in recess.
Cheryl: Gail, baby…
The court officer pulls Gail away.
Cheryl: Oh, I’m her mother. Can I just talk to her?
Court Officer: Give you a minute.
Gail: Mom, I didn’t do anything wrong.
Cheryl: I know you didn’t, honey. Gail, do you remember when you were in the second grade, and Pogo got sick? Do you remember what I said?
Gail: You said you’d make it better.
Cheryl: I gave you a promise. I said he’s get better, and what happened?
Gail: He got better.
Cheryl: That’s right.
Gail: Until the bus hit him three weeks later.
Cheryl: No, no. Forget about the bus. The point is, he wasn’t sick. Now, listen to me, pumpkin. I’m making you another promise, and I’m gonna to take care of this.
Cheryl hugs her daughter Gail. The court officer returns.
Court officer: We gotta go.
Cheryl: It’s gonna be okay.
The court officer takes Gail away. Cheryl, almost in tears, turns to Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming.
Cheryl: I’m depending on you.
Monk: I’ll do whatever it takes.
Cheryl Fleming points at her other daughter, Sharona Fleming.
Cheryl: I’m depending on you too.
Later, Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming approach a doorman.
Doorman: Can I help you?
Sharona: Uh, yeah, we’re here, uh, for Jenna Ryan. She’s expecting us.
Doorman: Ms. Ryan just left ten minutes ago.
Sharona: Are you sure?
Doorman: I put her in the cab myself.
Sharona: Okay, she didn’t forget. I saw her write it down. She’s avoiding us.
Monk: Did you happen to hear where she went?
Doorman: It’s possible.
Sharona: Well, well, where did she go? It’s very important.
Doorman: Isn’t it funny? I can’t quite remember.
Monk: I get it. I get it. I get it.
Adrian Monk pulls out his wallet.
Monk: Memories are funny things. Uh, maybe this will help.
Adrian Monk hands the doorman some cash.
Doorman: Three dollar? Hey, buddy. I get three bucks for holding a door open.
Sharona: He wants more. Give him more.
Monk: He didn’t do anything. I think three dollars is more than appropriate.
Sharona: Give him more.
Adrian Monk hands the doorman a dollar.
Doorman: Oh, si we’re up to four dollars now.
Monk: For twenty seconds of your time, I think that’s not too shabby.
Sharona Fleming looks through her purse.
Sharona: You’re the cheapest man I know.
Sharona Fleming hands the doorman forty dollars.
Sharona: Here. Where’d she go?
Monk: What are you doing? Forty dollars?
Sharona: My sister’s on death row. I think she’s worth forty dollars. Where’d she go?
Doorman: The Beltram Hotel on Ridgedale.
Sharona: Okay. Thank you very much.
Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming walk away. Adrian Monk turns around, and returns to the doorman.
Monk: Excuse me. Could I have my four dollars back?
Monk: We gave you forty-four dollars.
Monk: The bribe was only forty. So, you know…
Doorman: Are you for real?
Sharona: Will you come on?
Monk: O…okay. Okay, but we have a four-dollar credit on any future bribes! I won’t forget. I’m writing it down.
Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk are at the Beltram Hotel.
Sharona: There she is.
Adrian Monk tries to enter the hall when a woman stops her.
Woman: Oh, excuse me, have we registered?
Monk: Uh, for what?
Woman: Speedy Dates. We do it here once a month.
Sharona: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I read an article about this. It’s for singles. Instead of spending all night with one jerk, you get to meet fifteen jerks at once.
Woman: Yeah, that’s not exactly how we would describe it. You spend four minutes with each person. Then when the love bell rings, you move on to the next person. It’s like square dancing.
Sharona: He’ll do it. Sign in.
Sharona: Sign in. It’s perfect. This way, Jenna has to talk to you.
Monk: Speedy Dates. No, no, no, no. That’s like Dante’s seventh circle of hell.
Sharona: Adrian, “whatever it takes”. Isn’t that what you said?
Adrian Monk signs-up. The woman rings the love bell. Adrian Monk is now on a date with another speedy dater.
Dater#1: I like your eyes.
Monk: Well, thank you. They came with the face.
Dater#1: And you’re a cop?
Monk: Uh, used to be.
Dater#1: Do you still have your handcuffs?
Monk: Yes. They’re in my bureau.
Dater#1: Maybe you’d like to show them to me sometime.
Monk: Why? They’re…they’re just handcuffs.
The love bell rings.
Monk: And Trudy and I were married for…seven years.
Dater#2: I am so sorry.
Monk: It was a car bomb. Three pounds of plastic explosives under the driver’s seat. I…I felt responsible. I think it was meant for me, and how about you? Have you ever been married?
The woman holds back her tears. The love bell rings.
Dater#3: It’s so hard for women my age to meet men. I’m thirty-eight.
Monk: Oh, no, you’re not.
Dater#3: Excuse me.
Monk: I was standing behind you when you were registering out front. I…I noticed that your credit card said “Member since 1979”. You have to be eighteen to get that card. Which means that, uh, you’re at least forty-two.
Dater#3: All right. I’m forty-three. You happy now?
Monk: You don’t look it.
The love bell rings.
Dater#4: I hate dating, don’t you?
Monk: I don’t know. I never date.
Dater#4: Then what are you doing here?
Monk: I’m…I’m just here to meet her.
Adrian Monk points at Jenna Ryan who is sitting on the table next to his.
Dater#4: Oh, I see. Sorry, I wasted your time.
Monk: It’s okay.
The love bell rings, and Jenna Ryan moves on to Adrian Monk’s table.
Jenna: Hello, Adrian. I’m Jenna.
They shake hands.
Monk: Jenna, hello.
Jenna: Is this your first time?
Monk: Yes, it is. Yes, it is. How about you?
Jenna: Third. Insane, isn’t it? But I don’t know how else to meet anybody. The only guys I meet at work are actors.
Monk: Oh, you’re an actress?
Monk: Are you famous?
Jenna: No, not yet. Are you into the theater?
Monk: I really don’t get out much.
Jenna: I’m in a play at the El Portal, if you’re interested. It’s called Blood on the Moon.
Monk: Oh, I heard about that. Didn’t a guy get killed during the show?
Jenna: It’s not exactly the kind of publicity we wanted. Actually, I’m the understudy for the girl who, you know, did it.
Jenna: My daddy always said, when opportunity knocks, just kick down the damn door. Don’t ask any questions.
Monk: Is…is your father an actor too?
Jenna: He wanted to be. Raised by a frustrated actor. That explains everything, right? But he’s great. He’s really great. My father would do anything for me.
Monk: Were you there when…when Mr. Duncan was stabbed?
Jenna: No, I, um…I had checked in earlier. I was at a party across town. How did you know his name?
Monk: It’s on the news.
Monk: So you didn’t actually see the attack?
Jenna: No, I was at a party across town. I told you. You ask a lot of questions. You never told me what you do for a living.
The love bell rings.
Monk: Oh, that was quick. Can I see you again?
Jenna: I don’t think so.
The women move the next table, and Adrian Monk leaves speedy dates.
Sharona: So how’d it go, stud?
Monk: She did it. I don’t know how she did it, but she did it. Let’s go back to the theater, and look around.
Sharona: Okay. So how did the dating go?
Monk: Oh, it was terrible. Thank God I’m not single.
Sharona: You are single.
Monk: Oh, yeah.
Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming return to the theater.
Monk: Okay, I think I remember exactly what I saw. It’s the second scene. You’re Gail, I’m the guy. The two knives are on the counter. This is very important. This is the real knife. This is the prop knife. So when you stab me, please use the prop knife.
Sharona: I’ll try to remember.
Monk: Okay, okay, now, so. You…you enter from the right.
Sharona: You mean the left. That’s stage left.
Monk: But it’s on the right.
Sharona: But it’s stage left. That’s what they call it. My sister’s an actress.
Monk: But…but for the purposes of this recreation, let’s just call it what they call it on planet Earth.
Sharona: Like you would know.
Monk: All right. Just enter from over there. All right. Over there, and then come walk to the table when I say “Go”. And…go.
Sharona enters the stage through the door on stage left. Adrian Monk emerges from behind the door.
Monk: Hey, Cuz. Did you miss me? I hope you don’t mind. I left myself in.
Adrian Monk spits.
Sharona: You’re pretty good.
Monk: Oh, I have my moments. So now you say, “Burt you’re supposed to be in jail.”
Monk: Come on, say it.
Sharona: Burt, you’re supposed to be in jail.
Monk: Yeah, it’s funny about that phrase…
Adrian Monk grabs an apple from the table.
Monk: “Supposed to be”.
The director and his assistant arrives, and watch.
Monk: I’m supposed to be in jail. You’re supposed to be waiting for me. A man can’t count on “supposed to be” the way he used to. Your husband’s downtown, drowning himself in scotch and soda. I saw him eave here about an hour ago.
Adrian Monk pulls down Sharona’s jacket.
Sharona: What are you doing?
The director applauds.
Director: Well done. Very nice.
Sharona: Sorry, we thought we were alone.
Director: I was in the shadows, where the director belongs. I’m Karl Sebastian.
Sharona: I’m Sharona Fleming, and this is Adrian Monk.
Karl: You’re Gail’s sister, aren’t you?
Karl: Will you tell her we’re all praying for her? I’ve known Gail many years, and I still can’t believe what’s happened. It’s like a bad dream.
Sharona: Sure is.
Assistant: How do you know the play, Mr. Monk? It’s brand new. It’s never been published.
Monk: I saw it last week, and uh, must have memorized it by accident. Sorry.
Assistant: You memorized it after seeing it one time?
Monk: I’m so sorry.
Karl: I know this is all last minute. I don’t know what your schedule is, but, uh, we’ve just hired an actor from New York to play the part of Burt. He can’t be here ‘til Monday. Would you consider filling in? It’s only two shows.
Monk: Me? No. No. Uh, no. Sorry. Can’t.
Sharona: He’ll do it. He’ll be great.
Monk: I just need to talk to my agent for one minute.
Adrian Monk pulls Sharona Fleming aside.
Monk: Are you insane? I can’t act!
Sharona: Look, my sister’s in trouble. You said the understudy did it. She’s in the show. That’s where you should be. It’s two shows. Come on.
Sharona Fleming approaches the director.
Sharona: He’ll do it.
Karl: Oh, excellent. I’m thrilled. Welcome aboard. We’ll, uh, see you tomorrow, 10am rehearsal. You’re in the show Friday night.
Monk: In the show. I’m in the show.
Sharona: It’s fantastic.
The next day, Adrian Monk is at the rehearsals. Sharona Fleming watches.
Karl: Okay, from the top scene two. Adrian, you’ve just escaped from prison.
O’Dell is arranging the prop knives.
Karl: You’re hiding behind the door.
O’Dell checks that the knife is a prop.
Karl: You step out, and, uh…anytime Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk hides behind the door.
Monk: Hey, Cuz. Did you miss me? I hope you don’t mind. I let myself in.
Karl: Okay, okay. Um, Adrian, you started to have it yesterday. Remember, you’ve escaped from prison.
Monk: Right, I s—yeah.
Karl: Full of rage. You swagger.
Monk: I don’t think so.
Jenna Ryan rushes to the stage.
Jenna: Hi. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get a cab.
Jenna Ryan is shocked to see Adrian Monk.
Karl: Jenna Ryan, this is Adrian Monk. He’s filling in for a couple of shows.
Jenna: You’re an actor?
Karl: Yes, he’s an actor, and he’s doing a splendid job. But we haven’t got all day, so, uh, we’ll go from your line. “There’s money in my purse.” Jenna, you’re at the table. Adrian, you’re swaggering.
Jenna Ryan goes into position. She holds up her purse.
Jenna: Here. I have some money in my purse. Take it.
Monk: You think I want your pocket change? You think that’s why I came back?
Karl: Okay, you push the table over.
Adrian Monk considers pushing the table.
Karl: You’re an animal. Just…just push it over.
Adrian Monk begins to overturn the table, but stops as the bowl of fruit starts to slide.
Monk: Maybe my character wouldn’t want to make too big a mess right…right here.
Karl: She sent you to prison. You’re…you’re full of rage!
Monk: I have a thought. What if my character expresses his rage…by putting away the groceries…roughly.
Karl: Uh, okay. Uh, okay. Uh, let’s…let’s move on to your next line, “Who ordered the tossed salad?”
Jenna Ryan walks over to the knife holder, and takes out a knife.
Monk: Who ordered the toss salad?
Adrian Monk snorts strangely.
Karl: I’m sorry. Is that how you laugh?
Monk: I’m..I’m not a big laugher.
Karl: Well, try a real laugh. Have a go.
Monk: Who ordered the tossed salad?
Adrian Monk forces himself to laugh, but it comes out weird.
Monk: Oh, no. Okay, wait. Let me try that again. Who ordered the tossed salad?
Adrian Monk cackles weirdly.
Monk: Who ordered the tossed salad?
Jenna: He’s impossible.
Adrian Monk tries to laugh again, and it comes out wrong.
Jenna: Just cut him loose. We’ll fine somebody else.
Karl: It was your idea to hire Hal, and he was terrible. God rest his soul.
Monk: Who ordered the tossed…
Karl: Um, okay. We’ll, uh, we’ll work on the laugh.
Adrian Monk bends over, and shakes his body as he laughs.
Karl: Take ten, everybody.
Adrian Monk is at the dressing room wearing a leather jacket.
Kathleen: Oh, not quite. Hold on.
Kathleen takes off the leather jacket.
Monk: Kathleen, what did the director mean when he said that…Jenna made them hire Hal Duncan?
Kathleen: It was no secret. Jenna wanted them to hire Hal. I’ll tell you what I heard. She slept with the producer then threatened to tell his wife unless they did.
Sharona: Why? Were they dating?
Kathleen: No. Nobody could figure it out. Jenna didn’t even like the guy. He wasn’t a great actor, or even a good actor. He was a character. Always wore sunglasses, even inside. Oh, and he was allergic to everything…eggs, peanuts and shellfish. He wouldn’t eat anything unless he made it himself.
Kathleen looks through the costumes.
She pulls out a denim jacket.
Kathleen: This might work, huh? What do you think?
Monk: Can’t I just wear my own clothes? I’d…I’d rather wear my own clothes.
Kathleen: Uh, what…what do you have at home?
Sharona: Well, he just has more of this. Basically, this.
Later, Sharona is having dinner with her mother and Benjy.
Sharona: So, when do I get to meet the elusive Ronnie?
Sharona: The stockbroker. I told you about him. He’s at a convention…in Belguim.
Benjy: What stockbroker?
Sharona: I don’t like Benjy meeting any of the guys I date until I’m sure, you know?
Cheryl: But you said he took Benjy to the basketball game.
Sharona: No, I didn’t.
Cheryl: Yes, you did.
Sharona: Yeah? Well then, you misunderstood or you just got mixed up. Look, Ma, can we just change the subject, huh?
Cheryl: You don’t have to snap, honey. This is a hard time for all of us. You know, I always thought if anyone in this family ever would end up in jail, it would be you.
Sharona: You know what? That’s great. That’s great. Right in front of Benjy?
Benjy: I don’t mind.
Cheryl: No, you know what I’m talking about. Remember when you S-T-O-L-E the car?
Sharona: Ma, he’s eleven years old. He can spell.
Sharona: Okay, you know what? You know what? Go to your room, and do your homework.
Cheryl: I’m sorry, Sharona. I…I’m just so scared.
Sharona: I’m scared too.
Adrian Monk visits Gail Fleming in prison.
Monk: How you doing?
Gail: Oh, I’m making lots of new friends. I need you to get me out before I make any more.
Monk: Listen, your Mom and Sharona wanted to come, but you’re only allowed one visitor a day. They wanted me to ask you if you needed anything.
Gail: Yeah, an explanation for what happened. Adrian, I didn’t stab anybody. I grabbed the prop knife. I’m sure of it. The knife they found…my prints weren’t on it, were they?
Adrian Monk starts to fuss with the telephone cord.
Monk: No, no. There were no…there were no usable prints. The, uh…the police figure that you, uh, that you wiped them off in all the confusion.
Gail: Nobody believes me. My lawyer thinks I’m crazy. Well, maybe I am.
Monk: No. No, you’re not crazy.
Adrian Monk continues to fuss over the telephone cord.
Gail: Do you want to try a different phone?
Monk: No. No, no. I’m good. I’m good. Listen, Gail, what do you know about your understudy, Jenna Ryan?
Gail: I can’t believe you said that. I’ve been thinking about her.
Monk: Why is that?
Gail: Because Jenna would do anything for that part. Four years ago, she tried this Tonya Harding thing on another actress. I think it was in Chicago. They were both up for the same part. The actress was attacked with a golf club. Broke her kneecap.
Gail: Yeah! Jenna got the part. You know, everyone suspected her, but they couldn’t prove anything. But, you know, she couldn’t have done it. She wasn’t even near the theater, and she was at some party across town, so…
Adrian Monk fixes the phone cord.
Monk: There. There.
Adrian Monk looks at his watch.
Monk: Oh, God, the time. I’ve got to go. I’ve got a show.
Gail: Are you really in the cast?
Monk: A star is born.
Gail: God, I would have thought you’d get stage fright.
Monk: Nah, I was fine in the rehearsals.
Gail: Everyone’s fine in rehearsals. There’s no audience there.
The bell rings.
Monk: That’s true. That’s true.
Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming enter the backstage of the theater.
Sharona: My mom’s in the front row.
Monk: But there’s not too many other people out there, right?
Sharona: No, there’s lots of people out there.
Adrian Monk groans.
Sharona: It’s sold out. Well, don’t worry about it. You were fine in rehearsals. Don’t worry about it.
Karl: This is it! Places everyone. Energy. Energy!
Jenna: I heard you’ve been asking around about me.
Jenna: Who are you? You’re not an actor. That much I know.
Karl: Okay, Jenna. Your entrance is on the other side.
Sharona: We know a few things too.
Karl pulls Jenna away.
Jenna: What’s that supposed to mean?
Sharona: Figure it out.
The play has started.
Woman: Henry, you just sit there. You read those baseball scores. Don’t let me bother you, huh?
Adrian Monk peeps out of the curtain to check out the crowd.
Woman: Where’s that girl? She was supposed to be back here an hour ago with the groceries.
Woman: Dinner’s gonna be late tonight.
Adrian Monk runs over to Sharona who is also at the backstage.
Monk: Okay. Okay, I…I can’t do this. Tell them I’m out of town.
Sharona: It won’t work. They’ve all seen you.
Monk: What? What was I thinking? I’m not an actor.
Adrian Monk puts his hand on his stomach and gasps.
Sharona: Are you all right?
Sharona Fleming takes Adrian Monk’s wrist.
Monk: What? What are you doing? What are you doing?
Sharona: Taking your pulse, I’m a nurse, remember?
Monk: Oh, my God. Sharona, I’ve…I’ve got it. I know how she did it.
Sharona: You do?
Monk: If that’s how you take someone’s pulse, I know how she did it.
The director’s assistant runs over to Adrian Monk.
Assistant: Adrian, let’s go. You’re on! You come here!
Jenna enters through the door on stage left. She looks at the door on stage right, and sees that it’s still closed. Adrian Monk is still backstage with Sharona.
Sharona: How did she do it?
Monk: Allergies. Hal Duncan had lots of allergies. The wardrobe lady said he was afraid to eat anything he didn’t make himself. That’s why Jenna wanted him in the part. He was the perfect patsy!
Flashback ensues. Jenna Ryan runs over to the table with the bowl of apples.
Monk: The prop master told me that Jenna was hanging out onstage before the show, but she wasn’t switching knives. She was tampering with the apples.
Sharona: The apples?
Monk: She must have been putting something on them or in them…something that Hal Duncan was allergic to.
In the flashback, Hal Duncan takes a bite off an apple.
Sharona: That’s right. My mom said they tasted funny.
Hal: Like I said. I’m here for what’s mine!
Gail stabs Hal with a knife.
Monk: Hal Duncan wasn’t stabbed. He was having an allergic reaction.
Hal struggles to stay up, but falls down on the floor.
Sharona: But he was stabbed. There was a real knife in his chest.
Monk: I know. I…I know. I know. It was a brilliant plan.
The director’s assistant runs over to Adrian Monk.
Assistant: You’re still here?
Assistant: You’re on!
Monk: No. No, no, no.
Adrian Monk tries to walk away. Sharona Fleming grabs his arm.
Sharona: Adrian. Adrian, you if don’t go onstage, she’s gonna know something’s up.
The assistant pulls Adrian.
Monk: Sharona, go downstairs. Check her dressing room!
Sharona: What am I looking for?
Monk: Evidence! Something Hal Duncan was allergic to. Shellfish, eggs, peanuts…
The assistant pushes Adrian Monk to the stage. Adrian Monk sees that the theater is packed. He freezes. He continues pretend to lean on the door event though he is a few feet away from it. He speaks weakly, and nervously.
Monk: Hey, Cuz. Did you miss me?
Sharona Fleming runs to Jenna Ryan’s dressing room. She searches the room, and looks inside her bag. She pulls out something from inside it. Meanwhile, Adrian Monk is still on stage.
Monk: I hope you don’t mind. I let myself in.
Jenna: Burt, you’re supposed to be in jail.
Monk: Funny that phrase, “supposed to be”.
Adrian Monk grabs an apple, and tosses it, but he fails to catch it. People start whispering.
Monk: You’re supposed to be in jail. I’m supposed to be in jail. You’re supposed to be waiting form me.
Adrian Monk tries to walk with a swagger, but does this strangely. He goes on to sniff the hand towels hanging on the rack.
Monk: A man can’t count on “used to be”…the way he’s supposed to.
Meanwhile, Sharona is on her cellphone.
Sharona: Yes, yes. We can prove it. Look, are you almost here? Great. I’ll see you soon.
Back on stage…
Jenna: You’d better go. My husband’s upstairs. If he hears you…
Monk: Your husband’s downtown! Drowning himself in scotch and soda. I saw him leave here about an hour ago.
Adrian Monk almost loses his voice. He wipes Jenna’s shoulder instead of ripping off part of her dress.
Jenna: I have money in my purse. Here, take it.
Monk: You think I want your pocket change?
Monk: You think that’s why I cam back?
Adrian Monk forces himself to overturn the table.
Sharona Fleming points at the bottle she’s holding, but Adrian doesn’t see her. Adrian Monk is busy rearranging the things on the table instead of pushing it over. Sharona continues to call Adrian, and point at the bottle.
Jenna sees her, and is in shock. Sharona points at the peanut oil bottle. After Adrian finishes putting the things on the chair, he pushes the table over neatly.
Monk: Who ordered the tossed salad?
Adrian Monk forces himself to laugh. Jenna Ryan walks over to the knife rack, and pulls out the real knife. Sharona sees her.
Sharona: Oh my God.
Monk: I’m here for what’s mine.
Jenna: Burt, if you don’t leave, I’ll…
Monk: You’ll what? Huh? You’ll do nothin’!
Adrian Monk takes a bite off an apple.
Sharona: Adrian, be careful! She know!
Monk: Like I said, I came for what’s mine!
Jenna Ryan raises the knife.
Sharona: Watch out!
Sharona Fleming runs to the stage, and pushes Jenna. The two women struggle. Cheryl Fleming stands up. Jenna and Sharona continue to fight. Sharona Fleming pushes Jenna to the shelf really hard, and she falls on the floor. The crowd gasps. A man stands up.
Man: Is she all right? Is there a doctor in the house?!
Stottlemeyer: Everybody stay in your seats, ladies and gentlemen.
Randy Disher rushes over to Sharona.
Randy: Are you okay?
Stottlemeyer: I’m a police officer. Everything is under control. Everybody just sit down.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer goes up the stage.
Stottlemeyer: Could we have the house lights on, please?
Lieutenant Randy Disher checks on Jenna Ryan.
Disher: She’s okay. I’ll call an ambulance.
A man rushes over to Jenna Ryan.
Monk: Excuse me. Did you…did you just ask if there was a doctor in the house?
Man: Yes. Yes. Right.
Monk: That’s funny. Because last week, you were the doctor in the house.
Man: What are you talking about? I was here. I saw you.
Flashback ensues. The director calls out for a doctor.
Karl: Is there a doctor in the house? Anyone?
Man: I’m a doctor.
Monk: But you’re not a doctor, are you? I remembered how you took Hal’s pulse after he collapsed. You used your thumb, something no real doctor would ever do.
Sharona: Hal Duncan was having an allergic reaction to peanut oil.
In the flashback, the man pulls out the prop knife from Hal’s chest.
Monk: He wasn’t stabbed…until you stabbed him.
The man pulls out a real knife from his jacket, and stabs Hal Duncan.
Monk: When you leaned over, you pocketed the fake knife, and then you killed him.
In the flashback, the man turns to the crowd.
Man: He’s dead. He’s been stabbed!
Back in the present…
Man: That’s crazy. Why would I…
Monk: You would do anything to help Jenna get into the play. It’s a big hit. It’s heading to New York, and a career-making role for your daughter.
Man: My daughter?
Monk: That’s right, Mr. Ryan. That is your name, isn’t it? You’ve been obsessed with he career. Jenna told me all about it. We…we dated, briefly.
Man: You don’t understand. Jenna’s all I have.
Stottlemeyer: But if they wanted Gail out of the way, why didn’t they just go after her?
Monk: They couldn’t do that, Captain. Jenna was suspected of attacking another actress four years ago.
Sharona Fleming walks away to get something.
Monk: They couldn’t pull that trick again. They had to find another way to get rid of Gail.
Randy: So they framed her.
Cheryl: Or they tried to. Thank you, Adrian.
Stottlemeyer: Now, can you prove any of this?
Sharona: The medical examiner can.
Sharona shows everyone the bottle of peanut oil.
Sharona: This was in her dressing room. I’m sure you can still find traces of it in his body.
Lieutenant Randy Disher carefully takes the bottle from Sharona.
Stottlemeyer: Peanut oil.
Jenna: Daddy! Daddy, what did you do?
Jenna Ryan pushes her father away.
Jenna: I had nothing to do with this. I swear! I swear!
Sharona: Shut up, bitch! Show’s over.
Cheryl: That’s my daughter, the detective!
Karl Sebastian claps, and the audience follows.
Captain Stottlemeyer claps. Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming holding hands face the audience. The audience gives them a standing ovation. They bow to cheers.
The next day, Gail is out of jail. Sharona Fleming reads the newspaper to Adrian, Gail, Benjy and Cheryl.
Sharona: Listen to this. The director said, “We’re all excited about Gail Fleming rejoining the show.”
Sharona: “We’re also hoping to bring our newest cast member, Adrian Monk, to New York with us. In all my years in the theater, I have never seen fear and panic portrayed so convincingly.”
Gail: That is a money review. First time out. Congratulations.
Benjy: Are you gonna be doing any more acting, Mr. Monk?
Monk: Anything’s possible, Benjy, except for that.
Cheryl: Oh, I’m gonna miss my plane. We better call a taxi.
Gail: Oh, no. I’ll take you. You know, I’ve been cooped up all week.
Cheryl: Before I leave, I want a picture with me and my girls.
Monk: Oh, I’ll—I’ll take it for you.
Sharona: Oh, no. Don’t give it to him. He’ll spend half an hour cleaning the lens. Don’t.
Cheryl: Oh, we can all be in it, because, uh, there’s a built-in timer. But we have to be careful. There’s just one picture left.
Cheryl Fleming sets the camera on the dining table, and pushes the button.
Cheryl: Ready? Go! Smile!
Cheryl runs over to them. The camera beeps.
The camera continues to beep.
Monk: Here, Cheryl, you switch with me, okay?
Cheryl: Adrian no.
Sharona: No. There’s not time.
Monk: Monk should be in the middle.
The two of them switch.
Cheryl: Okay, okay. Wait. Smile.
Monk: Gail, you switch…
Gail: Oh, come on. We don’t have time for this!
Monk: Quick, quick! Yeah, now it’s better. Tall, short, tall…
The camera clicks, and everybody has their faces turned away.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk Goes to the Theater” episode was written by Wendy Mass & Stu Levine, while the teleplay was written by Tom Scharpling. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.
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