Reporters gather in front of the Malden Assisted Living Center.
Woman: Excuse me, Sir. I have an appointment with Mr. Miles Holling. No, I have and appointment. You don’t seem to understand.
The security guard allows a nurse to enter.
Security Guard: I don’t care who you are. No one gets in without a pass.
Woman: You don’t understand! I was promised I could…
Another security guard passes by.
Security Guard: Call your officer.
The security guard holds up his ID.
Security Guard: Clear.
At the living room, a group of elderly people are playing cards.
Old Lady: Gin.
Nurse #1: What are you doing this weekend?
Nurse #2: Same as you. Working here.
Nurse #1: What?
Nurse #2: Didn’t you here? We all have to work. They just posted it.
Nurse #1: Oh, why?
Nurse #2: You know why. It’s the old man’s birthday. Oh, and don’t you forget your ID or they will not let you in.
Nurse #1: So some geezer as a birthday, and my whole weekend’s shot.
Nurse #2: Miles Holling is not just another geezer. We are talking about the oldest man in the world here. It’s big news! Didn’t you see all those reporters out there?
Nurse #1: It’s not big news to me. I made plans. My whole family’s coming over.
Nurse #2: Well, maybe you’ll get lucky and he won’t wake up.
Nurse #1: Oh! Wouldn’t that be great.
Miles Holling puts on a record. The security guard swipes his card.
The security guard closes the blinds.
Miles: Who are you? You’re not George. Where’s George? Fella? You better get outta here.
The security guard grabs the very, very old man.
Miles: What the hell are you doing?
The security guard pushes him down the bed.
Miles: Help! Turn me loose!
The security guard puts a pillow over Miles Holling’s face, and suffocates him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer is on the phone.
Stottlemeyer: Ma’am, even if I agreed with you…I…I do not have the authority to take the billboard down. Look. Have you considered taking a different road home? You have a nice day too.
Lieutenant Randy Disher knocks on his office door.
Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, why am I fielding calls about zoning regulations? Aren’t you supposed to be protecting the quarterback?
Disher: Your wife’s here.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. Okay. Uh, look, I need a few minutes. Could you stall her?
Disher: What should I do?
Stottlemeyer: Uh, talk to her.
Disher: About what? I mean. What does she like to talk about?
Stottlemeyer: How I ruined her life.
Lieutenant Randy Disher leaves. Captain Leland Stottlemeyer empties hides his ashtray filled with smoked cigars, and unused cigars inside his drawer.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. Cigars.
Karen stands by a door annoyed at having to wait.
Disher: He’ll just be a minute. He’s on a call.
Disher: So, uh, you’re workin’ on a new script?
Karen: I make documentary films, Lieutenant. I don’t use scripts. The world is my script.
Inside his office, Captain Stottlemeyer takes out a crystal and places it on his desk.
Stottlemeyer: Big special crystal, and the magic dream catcher. There we go.
Karen moves closer to the Captain’s office.
Disher: I want to show you something.
Lieutenant Randy Disher pulls out his gun from his drawer.
Disher: They just issued these.
A man walking past him gasps at the sight of a pointed gun.
Disher: It’s a Beretta. Nine-millimeter Centurion. It, uh, holds 15 in the mag, one in the chamber.
Karen: Mm. You know how I feel about guns.
Disher: I know you have strong feelings. I just…can’t remember what they are.
Karen: I’m against them, Lieutenant. My husband doesn’t carry a weapon. I don’t know why you need to.
Inside Captain Stottlemeyer’s office…
Captain Stottlemeyer pulls out a handgun from his back pocket.
Leland Stottlemeyer continues to clean-up his office.
Karen: What’s he doing in there?
Disher: He’ll just be, uh, one more minute.
Leland pulls out a waterfall décor out of a box.
Stottlemeyer: And the waterfall.
Randy Disher shows Karen the holster of his new gun.
Disher: This is the holster. It’s calfskin. It’s nice.
Inside Stottlemeyer’s office…
Outside Stottlemeyer’s office…
Karen: I’m going in.
Karen walks past Randy Disher.
Disher: Yes, ma’am. Let me just get the door for you.
Inside the Captain’s office, he takes the coffee pot and pours coffee on the waterfall décor.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. Here we go. That’s it.
Randy Disher opens the Captain’s door.
Stottlemeyer: Come on in. Hi. What a nice surprise.
Karen: Oh! The waterfall. How do you like it?
Stottlemeyer: It’s great. I love it. Thank you, again.
Karen: Is it calming you down?
Karen: Is that coffee?
Stottlemeyer: Yes. Yes, it is. It’s a coffeefall. How was art therapy?
Karen: Art therapy is on Wednesday.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, I knew that. Uh, how is, uh…
Karen: Leland? Do you remember Miles Holling?
Stottlemeyer: Yes. No.
Karen: The oldest man in the world? I made a film about him? It won Honorable Mention at the Monterey Festival? Of course, you wouldn’t remember. You didn’t go! Anyway, he died last night.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, honey. I’m sorry. Is that why you’re here?
Karen: In a way. You see, I think he was murdered.
Captain Stottlemeyer turns away to hide the disbelieving expression on his face from his wife.
Karen: Now, I know it sounds crazy, but I went to the nursing home this morning to wish him a happy birthday, and they had just found him.
Karen: The coroner was there. There was something…wrong.
Karen: You see, they said he died in bed, but Leland. He never used the bed. He slept in a chair. He told me he was afraid that if he ever laid down he would never get up again.
Stottlemeyer: Well, Karen—
Karen: Also, they found a book on his chest. Like he’d been reading, but he couldn’t read, because he was nearly blind. So, I told the head nurse to lock down that room.
Stottlemeyer: You what?
Karen: So that you can investigate.
Stottlemeyer: Karen, you can’t do that. What are you, a homicide detective? I mean, how old was this guy?
Karen: One hundred and fifteen.
Stottlemeyer: A hundred and fifteen! People that old, they die! It’s…it’s like their job. Be reasonable. Who would kill the oldest man in the world? I mean why would they bother?
Karen: It’s a hunch. You get hunches all the time.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, well, that’s my job. I’m a professional.
Karen: So you’re not going to investigate?
Stottlemeyer: Look, honey, I—
Karen: Once again, I’m asking too much. Is that it?
Stottlemeyer: I don’t tell you how to make your little movies.
Karen Stottlemeyer gasps.
Karen: They’re documentaries, Leland. Is this what you meant when you told Dr. Mosely you were going to be more supportive? You promised. You swore you were going to try!
Stottlemeyer: All right, look. I’ll call Monk. He’s the best detective I know, and if Monk thinks there’s been foul play, I’ll look into it.
Captain Stottlemeyer kisses his wife’s hand.
Stottlemeyer: I promise.
At the nursing home, Adrian Monk investigates the scene of the crime. Leland Stottlemeyer is on the phone with his wife.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, honey. We’re at the nursing home. Monk!
Stottlemeyer whispers to Monk.
Stottlemeyer: I really appreciate this.
Monk: It’s no problem. Glad to do it.
Stottlemeyer: Yes, Monk’s here. Look, if you don’t believe me, here. Here’s Sharona.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer hands Sharona Fleming his cellphone.
Sharona: Hey, Karen. How ya doin’?
Adrian Monk continues to survey the room. He turns to the nurse.
Monk: The room hasn’t been touched?
Nurse: No, sir.
Monk: And you were the last nurse to see him?
Nurse: Yes, sir. I was.
Monk: Was the walker right here?
Monk: Yeah? How tall would you say he was?
Nurse: Um, about five foot one.
Sharona is still on the phone talking to Karen.
Sharona: He’s looking around the bed, looking at the pillow case.
Monk: Did you lower those shades?
Nurse: No, Mr. Holling never liked them down.
Captain Stottlemeyer turns to Sharona.
Stottlemeyer: Give me the phone.
Sharona: What? Okay, wait, wait. Hold on. Here’s your husband.
Stottlemeyer: Honey? Okay, look. The next voice you hear is going to be Adrian Monk’s, okay? And whatever he says, we’re going to accept it, right? No questions asked.
Captain Stottlemeyer holds up his phone.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. Adrian Monk. Have you studied the room?
Adrian Monk speaks in a loud tone of voice.
Monk: Yes, I have.
Stottlemeyer: Have you formed an opinion about the cause of Miles Holling’s death?
Monk: Yes, I have.
Stottlemeyer: And what is your opinion, Adrian Monk?
Monk: He…was murdered.
Adrian Monk walks up to the phone.
Monk: He was murdered, Karen.
Karen: I knew it!
Monk: The walker…is in the middle of the room. How could Mr. Holling have made it to the bed? Plus, there’s no way a man of his height could have reached over the dresser to pull down those shades.
Captain Stottlemeyer speaks to his wife on the phone.
Stottlemeyer: Sweetheart, I’m gonna strangle Monk, and then I’ll call you right back.
Captain Stottlemeyer hangs up.
Later, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming visit the mayor’s office.
Mayor: Welcome to Malden. How can I help you?
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Mayor. The reason I…
Monk: Excuse me. I’m s—I’m sorry. Could we switch chairs? Uh, it’s the tassels. Uh, my chair has tassels. A lot of tassels here.
Sharona: Will you stop saying tassels?
Captain Stottlemeyer and Adrian Monk switch chairs.
Mayor: Dennis Gammill, my deputy mayor, has just been filling me in.
Dennis: Are you, uh, seriously asking s to exhume Miles Holling?
Sharona: We’d like them to do an autopsy.
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Mayor. Um, I—I wouldn’t be here, if uh…Well, if some of us didn’t feel that there was a strong case for probable cause.
Monk: Excuse me.
Monk: I’m so sorry.
Monk: Could you switch with Sharona?
Monk: Then she’d be next to me. And then…
Stottlemeyer: That’s fine, Monk.
Captain Stottlemeyer and Sharona Fleming switch chairs.
Sharona: He’s sorry. I’m sorry.
Stottlemeyer: It’s okay.
Sharona: Why do you do this? Just sit down.
Stottlemeyer: Now, Mr. Mayor, the letter that I wrote—
Dennis: Which, by the way, Mr. Mayor, is not a court order. It’s an unofficial request.
Stottlemeyer: That’s true. It’s an unofficial request. We’ve been talking to the coroner’s office for three days now, and they won’t issue us a subpoena.
Sharona: They said it was up to you.
Dennis: In other words, you can say no, and I strongly suggest that you do.
Adrian Monk slides down his chair.
Dennis: Steve, if they’re wrong about this when the next election rolls around, you’re gonna be a punch line around here.
Stottlemeyer: Mr. Mayor. I’d consider it a personal favor. My wife, as you know, knew Mr. Holling, and she grew very fond of him during the course of the documentary.
Monk: Excuse me. I am…I’m so sorry. This one’s so slippery. You know…
Adrian Monk does a whistling sound.
Sharona: Why don’t you…just stand up just for a minute?
Adrian Monk stands up. Sharona Fleming turns to Captain Stottlemeyer.
Sharona: Stand up.
Mayor: It’s a tough call. Captain, I’m gonna grant your request. Just one favor. Don’t be wrong.
At the cemetery, Mr. Holling’s body is being exhumed. Captain Stottlemeyer stands before one of the tombstones.
Man: We’re about finished. If you want to accompany the body—
Stottlemeyer: Be there in a minute.
The man walks over to Stottlemeyer.
Man: I remember that case. It was a hit-and-run, right?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Seventeen years old. He’d been accepted to Princeton.
Man: I dug that hole. I’ll never forget it. The ground was frozen solid. It was like the earth didn’t want him. Did they ever catch the son of a bitch?
Stottlemeyer: No, I never did.
Man: It was your case?
Stottlemeyer: Still is.
The man leaves.
Stottlemeyer: Still is.
Later that night, Captain Leland Stottlemeyer knocks on Adrian Monk’s door.
Monk: Captain, you all right?
Stottlemeyer: Miles Holling was murdered. He was suffocated.
Captain Stottlemeyer hands Adrian Monk the case file.
Stottlemeyer: It’s on the “A” list. I made you a copy of the medical examiner’s report.
Monk: Karen kicked you out?
Stottlemeyer: How did you know that?
Monk: You didn’t eat dinner at home. A receipt here from Happy Burger.
Captain Stottlemeyer sighs.
Stottlemeyer: We’re having some problems. I’m gonna crash down the street at the Red Roof Inn again.
Monk: Why don’t you…stay here?
Captain Stottlemeyer laughs.
Monk: Look, you were there for me. When I went through my rough patch, remember?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Yeah, I remember your rough patch. It lasted three and a half years. I wouldn’t mind the company. Are you sure?
Monk: It’s the least I can do. I insist.
Stottlemeyer: All right. Thanks. Uh, come help me with my bags.
Monk: Bags? You have more than one?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I got a suit bag, and a few things in the car. Shouldn’t be more than a few weeks. It’ll be fun. We’ll be roommates.
Adrian Monk is reviewing the case file when Leland Stottlemeyer enters the living room in his sleeping clothes.
Stottlemeyer: I always have a glass of milk before bed.
Monk: But that’s not—
Stottlemeyer: Shut up.
Leland Stottlemeyer puts his coffee mug on the table, and straightens out the coffee table.
Stottlemeyer: Hell of a thing, the oldest man in the world. Randy had a theory. He thinks maybe the second oldest man in the world did it to claim the title. He actually looked into it.
Monk: How did the killer get in? There’s only one entrance. You need a valid ID to get in.
Stottlemeyer: Maybe somebody on staff? Psycho nurse?
Adrian Monk puts the case file on the table.
Monk: Did the old man have any money?
Adrian Monk walks over to the coffee table, and fusses with the coasters.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, yeah. There was a small insurance policy under ten grand. What are you doing, Monk?
Monk: I have a coaster. I always put another one underneath. It’s, uh—it’s like a backup.
Adrian Monk moves the coffee table askew.
Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
Monk: Who was the beneficiary?
Stottlemeyer: The old man’s son, Hiram Holling. We’re gonna talk to him tomorrow.
Monk: So, what do you think?
Stottlemeyer: Well, why ask me? My hippie wife’s a better cop than me.
Monk: Don’t say that.
Stottlemeyer: Look. I don’t mind living in your shadow. Monk. You’re a freak of nature.
Monk: Thank you.
Stottlemeyer: But when Karen sees things that I miss. I might as well just hang it up.
Leland Stottlemeyer pushes the coffee table.
Stottlemeyer: Guess where I was today? I was at the Leveroni gravesite. Do you remember that?
Monk: Oh, it was a hit and run, five years ago.
Stottlemeyer: Seventeen years old, valedictorian. Killed three blocks from his house. I always figures somebody would confess.
Monk: Well, me too.
Adrian Monk pushes the coffee table.
Stottlemeyer: I mean, how—how—how can somebody live with themselves, you know? I mean, you gotta tell somebody.
Monk: The urge to confess.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it’s the cop’s best friend.
Leland Stottlemeyer pushes the coffee table. Adrian Monk pushes it back.
Stottlemeyer: What are you doing?
Monk: I like it like this.
Stottlemeyer: It’s crooked.
Monk: No. Monk, the whole house is laid out at right angles. Everything. Except this table. Do you want to tell me why?
Later, Leland Stottlemeyer is lying on the pull-out sofa bed.
Monk: Here, I found an alarm clock, Captain.
Stottlemeyer: You can stop calling me Captain. You might have noticed I’m out of uniform.
Monk: Okay, uh…Leland.
Leland Stottlemeyer sets the alarm.
Monk: Do you, Leland…need anything else?
Stottlmeyer: No, I’m fine. Thank you. Good night.
Monk: Seven fifty-three?
Monk: Why don’t…why don’t you just say eight o’clock?
Stottlemeyer: Eight o’clock is too late.
Monk: But it’s a nice, round number. Eight oh, oh.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, how important is this to you? I mean on a scale of one to ten?
Monk: I’d say it’s about an eight. Eight, oh, oh. How about seven? Seven o’clock? Seven, oh, oh.
Stottlemeyer: Seven is too early.
Monk: You could use the snooze alarm. Six times.
Leland Stottlemeyer laughs.
Stottlemeyer: Okay! This isn’t working. I’m gonna go to the hotel.
Monk: No! No, no, no. Look, just…you can’t go. You were there for me. I owe you. I’m gonna make this work. Okay. Seven fifty-three. Odd number. No problem. Okay? I’m an adult. All right? Odd number?
Stottlemeyer: All right. Good night.
Monk: No big deal. Good night.
Adrian Monk turns off the light. Leland Stottlemeyer inhales sharply. Adrian Monk walks back. The floor creaks. Leland Stottlemeyer takes the alarm clock, and changes the setting.
Stottlemeyer: Okay, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m setting the alarm to eight o’clock. Eight, oh, oh. You happy?
Stottlemeyer: Now, I’m setting the clock ahead seven minutes so really I’ll be getting up at seen fifty-three. Now, we’re both happy.
Monk: Yeah, but…
Stottlemeyer: You come in here again, Monk, and I’ll shoot ya. Good night.
The next morning, Sharona Fleming is watching Karen Stottlemeyer exercise.
Karen: Did Leland send you?
Sharona: No, I sear. I didn’t even tell Adrian I was coming. You okay?
Karen: It’s called Bikram Yoga. You should try it.
Sharona: Looks pretty painful.
Karen: It’s supposed to be. No pain. No gain.
Sharona: I have a different motto. No pain? What’s the catch? Um, you know. I hope you don’t mind that I came over here, but your husband is staying over at Adrian’s house, and they’re driving each other crazy.
Karen: Well, tell Adrian Monk welcome to my world.
Sharona: You know, neither one of them got any sleep last night. Adrian’s back at my place, taking a nap.
Karen: Sharona, I don’t know what you want me to say here, I mean, Leland is impossible. Nobody could live with him.
Sharona: You know, the department has counseling services.
Karen: Well, we tried therapy. It lasted for, uh, three weeks. You see, Leland does not respect the process. He doesn’t respect me. That’s the bottom line.
Sharona: Karen, that is not true. He is so proud of you. He talks about you all the time!
Karen: Do you know that he still has not seen my movie? The one that I made about Miles Holling, and it won “Best Documentary—Honorable Mention”?
Sharona: Well, he’s busy!
Karen: It’s 65 minutes long. How busy could he be? Here.
Karen Stottlemeyer gets a box of videotapes.
Karen: Would—would you like to see it?
Sharona: Sure, and I promise you, he’s gonna see it too.
Leland Stottlemeyer and Randy Disher are walking.
Stottlemeyer: Last night…midnight…I get up and use the bathroom. Five minutes later, I hear him. He’s in there cleaning. An hour and a half.
Stottlemeyer: Kind of makes a guy self-conscious.
Disher: Well, you could stay with me, Sir. I have TiVo.
Stottlemeyer: No, no, I couldn’t leave now. I’d hurt his feelings. He thinks he owes me because I held his hand when Trudy died.
Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Randy Disher walk up a front door. Disher knocks.
Stottlemeyer: That’s my new, full-time job. Not hurting people’s feelings.
Captain Stottlemeyer and Lieutenant Randy Disher talk to the son of the very, very old man.
Hiram: My father was one hundred and fourteen. Now, that is old, but it is still too young. Do you understand?
Disher: Yes, Sir.
Hiram: If you find that bastard, do me one favor. I want five minutes alone with him in the room.
Disher: When was the last time you saw your father?
Two months, unless you mean on the TV. Oh, they used him a lot on the TV. He wrote a book! They even put it in a time capsule.
Stottlemeyer: Did your father have any enemies?
No, not unless you…you’re talking about the phone calls.
Disher: Phone calls?
Hiram: Yeah, they started about…a few weeks ago. Somebody started callin’ my daddy in the middle of the night. At all hours!
Disher: What did they say?
Hiram: “You’re a dead man. Oh, I’m gonna kill you.”
Stottlemeyer: Pull the phone records.
Hiram: Oh, I do hope you find that bastard! One hundred and fourteen. Now, that’s old, but it’s still…too young. You know what I mean? He was still my daddy. And I was still his baby.
Captain Stottlemeyer is slicing a tomato at Adrian Monk’s kitchen.
Monk: Captain, I’m home.
Adrian Monk enters the kitchen.
Stottlemeyer: I was just cleaning up.
Monk: I’ll…I’ll do that.
Stottlemeyer: I got it.
Monk: Please. Please. Le…I…I…I’ll do it.
Stottlemeyer: I got it.
Monk: No. Please.
Stottlemeyer: Okay. Thanks.
Monk: How was your day?
Stottlemeyer: My day was good. I picked the boys up from school. Bought ‘em some pizza…
Monk: Oh, and how are they?
Stottlemeyer: They’re doing great. Thank you.
Stottlemeyer: Randy and I tracked down Hiram Holling. The old man’s eighty-three year-old baby boy.
Monk: Yeah, anything there?
Stottlemeyer: Apparently, Miles Holling was receiving phone calls last week. Late at night, somebody was trying to scare him.
Adrian Monk pulls out something from a paper bag.
Stottlemeyer: What’s that?
Monk: Oh, new showerhead. This way. We both have our own. Oh, and uh…Sharona gave me this.
Adrian Monk hands a video tape to Captain Stottlemeyer.
Stottlemeyer: Karen’s movie.
Monk: Sharona says you have to watch it.
Stottlemeyer: Three times. When I watch it, all I can think of is it cost forty-five grand. It was either this or a cabin cruiser. Thirty-two foot, fiberglass. One hundred fifty horsepower.
Adrian Monk hands Captain Stottlemeyer a stack of napkins.
Stottlemeyer: Thank you. Well, we talked about it, and we decided to make the movie.
Adrian Monk turns his head to the living room.
Monk: The table!
Stottlemeyer: What is with you and that table?
Monk: It has to be like this.
Adrian Monk moves the table. He then reviews the papers on top of the coffee table.
Monk: These are the phone records?
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Yeah, we traced those. They were made from a phone booth at the Amtrak station. It’s a bust.
Monk: What about these?
Stottlemeyer: They just sent those over. Employment records from the nursing home. We got time cards and sign-in sheets.
Monk: That’s strange.
Stottlemeyer: What is?
Monk: Well, this—this security guard. George Rowe. Look at the signatures. This is Monday, the day of the murder.
Monk: These two are from last week.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that’s a pretty good match.
Monk: Not the handwriting. Look at Monday. He misspelled his name.
Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch. How did I miss that?
Captain Stottlemeyer sifts through some papers. Pulls out one paper.
Stottlemeyer: What is wrong with me?
Captain Stottlemeyer and Adrian Monk walk to a house.
Stottlemeyer: I should just quit. I wonder if Home Depot’s hiring.
Monk: It’s just a slump. It happens.
Stottlemeyer: Not to you.
Monk: I didn’t leave my house for three and a half years! The slump of the century.
Stottlemeyer: You know when it started? It’s that hit and run. The Leveroni kid. That was the case. That’s when I went off the tracks. After that, I was never really able to focus again. You know it? Of course you know it. You know every damn thing. Mr. Rose, open up. It’s the police. It’s kinda messy in there. Coulda been a fight.
Monk: Is that probable cause?
Monk: Probably probably cause?
Stottlemeyer: It’s good enough for me.
Captain Stottlemeyer kicks the door.
Stottlemeyer: George Rowe? Hello? Police! Mister Rowe!
Adrian Monk inspects the jacket on the chair.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, don’t touch anything. This isn’t our house. Jesus, did I just say “our house”?
Stottlemeyer: What, what, what?
Monk: Snake, snake, snake, on the loose. Snake. Over there. Snake. Snake.
Stottlemeyer: All right. Okay. Okay. Easy. It’s all right.
Monk: Snake on the loose. Out of the box. Out of the box.
Captain Stottlemeyer grabs a broom.
Monk: He’s on the prowl.
Stottlemeyer: It’s all right. Come on, buddy. There you go. There you go.
Monk: He’s heading uptown. He’s heading uptown!
Stottlemeyer: All right. Come on, guy.
Monk: Getting away. You’re losing him.
Captain Stottlemeyer puts the snake back in the aquarium.
Monk: Just shut it. Shut it! Shut! Shut! Shut!
Captain Stottlemeyer closes the aquarium.
Stottlemeyer: There. Don’t soil your pants. If you do, you’re on your own.
Monk: Look at this.
Monk: Feeding schedule. Curly, Larry, Moe. Clever.
Adrian Monk inspects the acquarium.
Monk: There’s Curly, Larry, and…
Adrian Monk screams. He sands on the dining table.
Stottlemeyer: What? What? What? What is wrong with you?!
Monk: Where’s Moe?
Stottlemeyer: Who’s Moe?
Monk: Moe the snake is loose. He’s missing.
Stottlemeyer: How do you know it’s Moe? It might be Curly.
Monk: Fine, it’s Curly! Where the hell is Curly?
Stottlemeyer: Maybe Curly’s dead!
Monk: No, no. No, no, no. The feeding schedule goes up to last Friday. He’s..he’s…he’s loose. He’s somewhere in the house. Come…come up. Come on up here. It’s plenty strong.
Stottlemeyer: I’m not getting on the table with you, Monk. I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators—
Stottlemeyer: Okay. I don’t need the entire list. Why don’t you wait outside? Come on.
Monk: Carry me?
Monk: Carry me. Please!
Stottlemeyer: No. No.
Monk: Please. Please.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I’m not gonna carry you.
Monk: Okay, I’ll stay here. I’m fine.
Stottlemeyer: No, not unless you’re planning on using it on yourself.
Monk: Maybe I will.
Stottlemeyer: Ho! I found him.
Monk: Kill it! Sh—shoot it! Kill! Shoot! Kill it!
Stottlemeyer: It’s not the snake.
Monk: Kill it! Just shoot it! Kill it!
Stottlemeyer: I found George Rowe.
The police arrive at George Rowe’s house.
Sharona: Adrian? You’re just sitting here.
Adrian Monk and Sharona Fleming are in her car.
Sharona: You’re on the job. Crime scene’s inside.
Monk: Yeah. So is Curly.
Sharona: Who’s Curly?
Monk: The snake! Curly or Moe—we’re not sure.
Sharona Fleming looks out her car window.
Sharona: Hey. There’s your roommate.
Sharona: How’s that workin’ out?
Monk: I’m not sleeping. I’m…I’m all stressed out. I’m thinking about going to a hotel.
Sharona: Why don’t you?
Monk: I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk! We got him.
Lieutenant Randy Disher holds up a sack.
Stottlemeyer: He was under the couch. Come on. I need you in there. I can’t figure out if the perp and the victim knew each other or not.
Monk: Show me the snake.
Monk: The bag’s empty.
Stottlemeyer: No, it’s not.
Monk: Show me the snake.
Lieutenant Randy Disher quickly opens and closes the sack then shakes it.
Stottlemeyer: All right. The bag’s empty. Come on. I need you in there.
Monk: You don’t need me inside. The killer was a stranger. He’d never, never been in this house before.
Disher: You can tell that from here?
Monk: He broke three panels in that door.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah, right. Then he reached in and he opened the lock. What does that prove?
Monk: He broke three panels. He wasn’t sure where the lock was.
Captain Stottlemeyer whispers to Lieutenant Randy Disher.
Stottlemeyer: We’re looking for a stranger. Pass it on.
Disher: Yes, Sir.
Monk: What time will you be home?
Monk: What time do you think you’ll be home?
Stottlemeyer: I don’t know.
Monk: Because I was thinking of making a pot roast, but I need an approximate time.
Stottlemeyer: I don’t know, Monk. I’ll call you.
Sharona: Okay. Don’t forget.
Stottlemeyer: I won’t forget.
Monk: That’s what you said yesterday.
Sharona Fleming and Lieutenant Randy Disher both try not to laugh.
Stottlemeyer: Shut up.
At the police station, Lieutenant Randy Disher enters Captain Stottlemeyer’s office.
Disher: Good morning…
Captain Stottlemeyer gets up from the couch looking very sleepy.
Disher: Sir, are you okay?
Stottlemeyer: He was cleaning again. Until three AM.
Disher: Aw, Jesus.
Stottlemeyer: I love my wife. I have never loved her, or missed her more. What have you got?
Disher: Uh, maybe this is a bad time.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, no. No, no. I need to work. It’s all I have. What have you got?
Disher: All right. Here’s the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Disher: Okay, look at this. Book of World Records.
Lieutenant Randy Disher opens the Book of World Records.
Disher: Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world’s biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world’s biggest kitty cat did that.
Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a twenty-four hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Disher: I can never tell when you’re being sarcastic.
Stottlemeyer: I’m being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.
Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer is at Adrian Monk’s house vacuuming. He finishes, and turns off the vacuum. Just as he walks over to pull the plug, Adrian Monk turns on the vacuum, and uses it.
Stottlemeyer: What are you doing? Monk!
Adrian Monk turns off the vacuum.
Stottlemeyer: I just vacuumed that.
Monk: I know.
Stottlemeyer: I’m trying to help out. I’m trying to do my share.
Monk: I know! No problem! Finishing up.
Stottlemeyer: It’s finished! The rug is clean.
Monk: I know.
Stottlemeyer: Then what’s the problem?
Monk: The lines in the carpet, see? You went on a diagonal. I like to make a grid!
Adrian Monk chuckles.
Monk: It’s no big deal.
Adrian Monk resumes vacuuming. Captain Stottlemeyer pulls the plug.
Stottlemeyer: You win. I give up.
Monk: Excuse me?
Stottlemeyer: You know what I’m gonna do? First thing in the morning…
Captain Stottlemeyer walks over to the desk where a picture of Trudy sits.
Stottlemeyer: I’m gonna call the Vatican, and I’m gonna nominate your late wife Trudy for sainthood! Because you are impossible!
Monk: The lines. They’re all…diagonal! I have to live here!
Stottlemeyer: Forget about the rug! This is not about the rug! Do you know what you are? Do you know what you are? You’re the world’s best marriage counselor. You could save every marriage in California! All people have to do is live with you for two days!
Leland Stottlemeyer grabs his bag.
Stottlemeyer: Two days! And they’d never complain about their spouse again. What are you—what are you doing? I am going home! I am gonna beg Karen to take me back. I’m gonna beg her to take me back. I’m gonna tell her I am a different man, and I will not be lying.
Monk: She won’t take you back. You haven’t seen her movie yet.
Leland Stottlemeyer and Adrian Monk watch Karen Stottlemeyer’s movie entitled Miles Holling: the human time machine. Karen narrates.
Karen: When I am dead my dearest, sing no sad songs for me. Plant thou no roses at my head, and if thou wilt, remember, and if thou wilt, forget.
Later, the movie shows the very, very old man playing the harmonica.
Karen: How are you feeling today, Miles?
Miles: Not bad for an old bastard. Next week, I’ll be a hundred ten years old. I’m the oldest man in the world. That means I win. I don’t know what I win, but I win.
Karen and Miles Holling both laugh. Later, the movie shows the mayor speaking while a marching band is playing…
Mayor: This time capsule is a message in a bottle. A big, metallic, vacuum-packed bottle for our children’s children’s children. Oh, I see our guest of honor is arriving.
The camera focus on the very, very old man in a car with the deputy mayor as his driver.
Mayor: One hundred years from now, future generations will read copies of the Malden Gazette.
Stottlemeyere: Oh. Aw, wait.
The mayor pulls out a letter from his pocket.
Mayor: I’ve written a letter to future generations, and I’ve asked my family and staff to do the same. Why don’t we drop them in now?
The deputy mayor drops his letter into a sack.
Mayor: And finally, I have asked Malden’s most famous resident…
Stottlemeyer: Where’s the remote? Give it to me.
Mayor: Miles Holling, to write his life story. I’m going to include a copy of it, and I make you this promise: if you live another five years, and I’m still in office, we’re gonna dig this baby up and add another chapter to your book. What do you think? See you in five years?
Hollings: It’s a date!
Leland Stottlemeyer rewinds the tape.
Monk: What are you doing? What are you doing? You’re rewinding? We were almost done!
The movie plays back, Leland Stottlemeyer plays again a part of it.
Mayor: What do you think? See you in five years?
Miles: It’s a date.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I’m gonna say something I’ve wanted to say for a long time.
Monk: What is ist?
Stottlemeyer: I just solved the case.
Captain Stottlemeyer and Adrian Monk are at the mayor’s office.
Dennis: Hi, hello again. The mayor will be right with you.
Stottlemeyer: Actually Dennis, we came to talk to you.
Stottlemeyer: On December 10, 1998, the day that they buried the time capsule you were driving a rental car, weren’t you?
Stottlemeyer: I think that’s strange. You’re driving a rental car in your own town.
Dennis: Oh, well, it was a special occasion. I wanted to arrive in something nice—what’s this about?
Stottlemeyer: It’s about Darren Leveroni. Do you remember him?
Dennis: Oh, oh, yeah. Of course I do.
Monk: Your car, the one you didn’t drive that day, was it a sky-blue Oldsmobile Cutlass sedan?
Dennis: Oh, well, that was a long time ago. Uh, I think so.
Stottlemeyer: A witnesss aw a blue Oldsmobile leaving the scene of the hit-and-run. Now, I remember, I requested a list of registered owners from the DMV. That list came through your office, but your name wasn’t on it.
Monk: Can you explain that, Sir?
Dennis: I don’t know. Oversight? Clerical error?
Monk: Where is that car today, Mr. Gammill?
Dennis: It was stolen. I reported it.
Monk: Pretty convenient.
Stottlemeyer: A short time later you joined Alcoholics Anonymous, didn’t you?
Dennis: Oh, I can’t believe this!
Stottlemeyer: I can’t believe it either. I can’t believe I missed it.
Dennis: Do you have a warrant?
Dennis: I didn’t believe so. You can’t prove any of this, can you? I’m not saying another word. Here.
Dennis Gammill pulls out a business card from his wallet, and hands it to Captain Stottlemeyer.
Dennis: It’s my lawyer. Talk to him.
Mayor: Sorry I’m late. What did I miss?
Dennis: Nothing. Nothing. They were just leaving.
Mayor: This isn’t over.
Captain Stottlemeyer leaves City Hall. Adrian Monk runs after him.
They both look at each other then they run back inside.
Monk: Hi! Excuse me. You remember us?
Dennis: What the hell do you want?
Mayor: Did you forget something?
Monk: Yes, I did. What happened to your wrist?
Captain Stottlemeyer grabs the deputy mayor’s hand, and pushes his sleeve revealing a bite mark.
Stottlemeyer: Looks like a snake bite.
Monk: There was a snake loose when the security guard was killed.
Stottlemeyer: Good old Curly
Monk: Or Moe, it could have been Moe.
Dennis: Oh, this is insane. First you accuse me of a five-year-old hit-and-run. Now, I gather, you’re saying I killed some security guard. Well, make up your mind, boys, which is it?
Monk: Both, actually, Mr. Mayor, uh, we—we would like your permission to dig up the time capsule.
Mayor: Dig up the what?
Monk: The time capsule that you buried five years ago. We need to take a look inside.
Dennis: Oh, Jesus! Why? What, first the old man, now the time capsule? What? You plan on diggin’ up the whole county? Steve, they don’t have the authority.
Mayor: That’s true! But I do! They were right about Miles Holling being murdered. I’m inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt.
Monk: Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Stottlemeyer: Thank you.
A man digs the time capsule as the police, the mayor and the deputy mayor watch.
Dennis: You can’t keep me here.
Disher: You’re the primary suspect in two homicides. We can detain you briefly.
Dennis: What do you think you’re going to prove?
Monk: First, we’re gonna prove that you killed George Rowe to get his security pass.
Dennis: His security pass?
Monk: You needed it to get into the nursing home, in order to kill Miles Holling.
The deputy mayor turns to the mayor.
Mayor: No, care to tell me why?
Sharona Fleming and Karen Stottlemeyer arrive. Karen starts videotaping what is happening.
Monk: Because of something you said, Mr. Mayor, five years ago. It was in Karen Stottlemeyer’s movie, which, which I thoroughly enjoyed, by the way.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Me too. I watched the whole thing.
Monk: When you buried the capsule, you made a promise to Miles Holling. Remember? You said that if he lived another five years, that you’d dig it up again, so that he could add a final chapter to his autobiography.
Mayor: That’s right. I did.
Monk: If Miles turned a hundred fifteen, they would have dug it up, and in your paranoia, you couldn’t risk that happening, could you? So you tried to scare the old man to death. Late night phone calls, death threats. When that didn’t work, you realized you had no choice. You had to kill him. There’s something in there. Something you thought no one would see for a hundred years.
Mayor: I’ve written a letter to future generations. I’ve asked my family and staff to do the same. Why don’t we drop them in now?
Two men pull out the time capsule from the ground. Captain Stottlemeyer opens it and takes out the things inside it. Flashback ensues.
Monk: The mayor invited his family and staff members to add a personal note.
Adrian Monk sifts through the letters.
Monk: Let’s take a look…what Mr. Gammill wrote.
Adrian Monk pulls out the deputy mayor’s letter.
Monk: Captain? Would you mind reading it?
Captain Stottlemeyer reads the letter.
Stottlemeyer: “On December 2, 1998, I killed Darren Leveroni with my car. May God forgive me, because I will never forgive myself.” Signed, Dennis Gammil.
Captain Stottlemeyer turns to Adrian Monk.
Stottlemeyer: The urge to confess.
Monk: It’s a cop’s best friend.
Dennis: Steve, please. How long have you known me?
Mayor: I don’t know you at all.
Dennis: it was an accident! I swear! I was drinking! I don’t remember hitting anybody. I woke up, and the fender was dented and there was some blood and some hair. And I thought I hit an animal. I prayed to God I hit an animal.
Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, take him away.
Disher: Yes, sir.
Lieutenant Randy Disher cuffs the deputy mayor.
Disher: You have the right to remain silent.
Sharona: Captain. Captain! This was in there too.
Captain Stottlemeyer reads the letter that Sharona handed him. Leland Stottlemeyer walks over to his wife.
Stottlemeyer: Did you write that?
Karen: Well, you weren’t supposed to read it. At least not for a hundred years.
Stottlemeyer: Is it about me?
Karen: What do you think? Did you really like my movie?
Leland Stottlemeyer nods.
Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Two thumbs up. Though I’m not an objective critic, because I’m insanely in love with the filmmaker.
Leland Stottlemeyr and Karen Stottlemeyer kiss, and hug. The two walk over to Adrian Monk.
Stottlemeyer: Monk. Looks like you’re on your own again.
Monk: Glad to hear it.
Karen: Thank you for looking after him, and, and thank you.
Monk: It was my pleasure.
Sharona: No, it wasn’t.
Monk: No, it wasn’t. I took the liberty of packin’ up your things, putting them in your car.
Leland Stottlemeyer offers a hand, but instead of a handshake Adrian Monk and him fist bump.
Stottlemeyer: Let’s not do this again real soon, okay?
Monk: You got it.
Leland Stottlemeyer and his wife walk away.
Sharona: It’s great. It’s great.
Adrian Monk smiles.
Later, Adrian Monk is in his house reading. He remembers the time when Trudy was still alive.
Trudy: Are you tired?
Trudy: Come here.
Trudy pulls the coffee table such that one side is close to her. She puts up her feet on the coffee table. Adrian Monk rests his head on her lap.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man” episode was written by Daniel Dratch. Monk is owned by Universal Media Studios in association with Mandeville Films and Touchstone Television.
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