A huge, black man strums his guitar and starts to sing in a high-pitched voice…
Guitar Man: Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea…
Betty White, Dorothy Zbornak and Blanche Devereaux who are conducting the auditions are all in shock at the man’s performance.
Guitar Man: And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee. Puff the…
Blanche: Thank you! That was…very odd.
Guitar Man: If I increase my steroids by a hundred milligrams, I can sing just like Barbara Mandrell. Would that get me in the show?
Dorothy: No, but if you’re ever in prision, I bet it’d get you everyone’s dessert.
The disappointed man leaves. Dorothy turns to Rose.
Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible. The Ladies Auxiliary puts me in charge of the variety show, and we can’t come up with one decent act.
Rose: I was just thinking it’s too bad we’re not back in St. Olaf.
Blanche: Why? They have a lot of talent back in St. Olaf?
Rose: No, it’s lunchtime there. I could really go for a smoked kipper hero.
Blanche: Al right, who’s auditioning next?
Sophia: I’m next!
Dorothy: Ma! What the hell are you doing here?
Sophia: I gnawed through my leather restraints and outran the new guard dog. I’m here for the audition.
Dorothy: Forget it. You force your way into the show every year, and every year, it’s a total disaster. You can’t sing, you can’t dance, you can’t tell jokes. I’m sorry, you can’t be on the show.
Sophia imitates her daughter.
Sophia: “You can’t be in the show. You can’t be in the show.” Who are you, Ricky Ricardo? For your information, I’m not here to audition.
Rose: Why are you here?
Sophia: I realized I had no talent, so I decided to become an agent. Why Ryan O’Neal hasn’t come to the same conclusion. I’ll never understand. Anyway, I’m proud to announce I’m the exclusive worldwide representative of the Donatello Triplets!
Three big-haired grown women all dressed the same way, and each carrying a guitar enter the room.
Sophia: Hit it, my magnificent little songbirds.
The Donatello Triplets start to sing a fast country song.
Triplets: I don’t wanna take it anymore. I’ll just stay here locked behind the door. Just no time to stop and get away ‘cause I work so hard to make it every day. Ooh-ooh. Ooh-ooh! And it’s hard to say just how some things never change, and it’s hard to find any strength to draw the line. Oh, I’m just burning doing the neutron dance, Oh, I’m just burning doing the neutron dance.
Sophia turns to Rose, Dorothy and Blanche.
Sophia: So, what do you think?
Dorothy: They’re adorable!
Rose claps her hands.
Rose: Love ‘em!
Blanche: They’re perfect for the show.
Sophia signals the triplets to stop.
Sophia: Take five. Go wait in the van.
The Donatello Triplets leave.
Sophia: It’s not professional to have them here while I’m negotiating.
Rose: Negotiating? Sophia, this show is for charity.
Sophia: The word charity is not in a good agent’s vocabulary.
Dorothy: Ma, listen. Thank you very much for your time, but there are plenty of other talented people here willing to do the show for free. Who’s next?
Dorothy turns to Rose.
Rose: Uh, the Sklarkievich Brothers.
A man with a heavy Slavic accent arrives with three bowling pins.
Misha: Hello. I am Misha Sklarkievich. My brother Andrzej is still in Poland.
Dorothy: Why don’t you show us what you can do, Mr. Sklarkievich?
Misha: Is better with my brother.
Misha starts his routine.
Misha juggles the three bowling pins.
Misha faces the wall then throws the bowling pins as if his brother is there to catch them. The pins hit the wall and fall. He turns to Dorothy, Rose and Blanche.
Misha: Is better with my brother.
Sophia: If you change your minds, you know where to find me.
The next day, Dorothy is at the kitchen when Blanche arrives.
Blanche: Dorothy, I have terrible news. We don’t have an MC for the talent show. Kent Ferguson, the KTMB weatherman, has just dropped out.
Dorothy: Oh, you have to be kidding. What happened?
Blanche: He’s filling in for Willard Scott on the Today show. It seems Willard ate some bad scallops on the air that he got through the mail. He wandered over to the critics’ corner and lost his cookies on Gene Shalit. Gene thought it was because Willard disagreed with his review of The Accidental Tourist. Willard apologized and left the studio. Officially, they’re saying he’s “on assignment”.
Dorothy: Well, at least, some good came of it. I mean it’s about time someone threw up on Gene Shalit. Oh, volunteering to organize this variety show is the worst idea we have ever had. We’ve hardly sold any tickets, we can’t find an MC, and every act that we have auditioned is awful.
Sophia enters the kitchen.
Sophia: Dorothy, I’ve got some good news. I’ve had a change of heart. I’ll let the triplets be in your show for free.
Blanche: Why, Sophia, that’s w…Oh honey, you don’t know how much good this does us.
Dorothy: Wait just a minute. What’s the catch?
Sophia: That is so typical of you. Why do you automatically assume because I’m trying to do something nice there’s a catch?
Dorothy: So there isn’t a catch?
Sophia: I didn’t say that. It just ticks me off that you automatically assume there’s one.
Dorothy: Ma, what is it you want?
Sophia: For the moment, only for you to feast your eyes on…the Great Alfonso!
Sophia points to the kitchen door, but nobody comes.
Sophia: The Great Alfonso!
Still nobody comes through the door. Sophia whispers.
An aged man in full magician’s costume enters.
Seymour: Hello, I’m the Great…I’m the Great…
Sophia: Pull the damn rabbit out of your hat!
Seymour: Ooh! Right! Right.
Seymour takes off his hat.
Seymour: Abracadabra, hobus-picus…
Seymour turns over his heat.
Seymour: My God, where’s the damn rabbit? I left it in the other hat.
Seymour runs out of the kitchen.
Blanche: Sophia, he’s terrible.
Sophia: No, he’s not! He’s terrific. Oh, you mean the act? We’ll work on that.
Dorothy: So that’s it. You’re willing to give us the Donatello Triplets if we put your new boyfriend in the show.
Blanche: That’s blackmail.
Sophia: That’s show business.
Rose enters the kitchen.
Rose: Hi, girls. How’s everything going?
Blanche: Awful. Kent Ferguson canceled. We don’t have an MC for the talent show.
Dorothy: We don’t even have any talent for the talent show. The whole thing’s gonna be a disaster. I’ll be the laughingstock of the Ladies Auxiliary.
Dorothy starts to cry. Rose and Blanche comfort her.
Rose: Oh, honey…would it help if I got Bob Hope to be our MC?
Dorothy: How are you going to get Bob Hope?
Rose: Easy. He’s my father.
Blanche: Rose, have you been forgetting to wash the fruit before you eat it?
Rose: I’m serious. Bob Hope is my father. Well, sort of. I mean, he could be, maybe.
Dorothy: Rose, what the hell are you talking about?
Rose: There’s something I’ve never told you girls. I spent the first eight years of my life at the St. Olaf orphanage. Gunther and Alma Nylund are my adoptive parents.
Blanche: How come you never told us about this before?
Rose: Well, I loved my parents so much, I really never think about it, but I sure did before I became their daughter. When I was at the orphanage I used to daydream all the time that my real parents would knock on the door and take me away. So, like most of the kids there, I started fantasizing about who they might be. I had a particularly clear picture in my head of my father. Anyway, one day, they took us all to the movies, and when Bop Hope came on the screen, I stood up and yelled, “My God, that’s my father! That’s him!”
Dorothy and Blanche look at each other disbelieving.
Blanche: Rose, honey, you…you don’t still actually believe that?!
Rose: Believing that got me through some very rough times, Blanche. I mean, whenever I had a problem I couldn’t solve I’d just write Bob Hope a letter or go to one of his movies, and suddenly I was able to work it all out. All my life, I always felt he was there if I needed him. That’s why I know he won’t let me down now.
Dorothy: I don’t know whether to cry or commit you.
Rose: You just leave it to me. I know in my heart he’ll be here.
Dorothy: Rose, just so I get this straight, you never actually met Bob Hope?
Rose: No, but I’m sure looking forward to it.
Rose leaves the kitchen. Dorothy bawls.
The Ladies Auxiliary meet the house that Blanche, Dorothy, Rose and Sophia shares.
President: And now I’d like to thank all those bake sale participants who raised money for the religious cult deprogramming center. I’m happy to report that Doris Levy’s son Marshall is now back in law school.
The ladies clap at Doris Levy.
President: Now it’s time for an update on our biggest and most important charity fundraiser of the year, the annual hospital variety show benefit. I’d like to call on our chairman, Dorothy Zbornak, for an update. Dorothy?
The women clap their hands.
Dorothy: Well, I’m, um, I’m very happy to report that this year’s variety show is really coming along, and uh, the first thing I’d like t discuss…
One of the ladies raises her hand.
Dorothy: Yes, Frieda?
Frieda: I heard that ticket sales are not going well. I heard that you have not been able to find any good talent, and I heard Kent Ferguson has canceled and we don’t have an emcee for the show.
Blanche: Yeah?! And I heard that you’ve been sleeping with the Japanese guy who blows the leaves off your driveway! It so happens Dorothy is doing a terrific job. Matter of fact, she’s in the middle of negotiations right now with some very big name celebrities to be our emcee.
Frieda: Like who?
Dorothy: Well, uh, like…
Rose barges in the door.
Rose: Great news! We’ve got Bob Hope for our emcee!
The women gasp in delight.
President Nice work, Dorothy. Meeting adjourned.
The ladies leave.
Blanche: Goodbye, ladies.
Dorothy: See you soon, ladies. Take care! Bye-bye.
Dorothy runs to Rose.
Dorothy: Rose, how did you get Bob Hope?
Rose: Well, I called his office.
Sophia arrives with Alfonso.
Sophia: Dorothy, I have to talk to you for a minute.
Dorothy: Not now, Ma.
Blanche: What did he say?
Rose: I didn’t talk directly to Bob Hope.
Sophia: Alfonso has a new trick. Give him your keys.
Dorothy: Who did you talk to, his agent?
Dorothy reaches for her keys.
Sophia: This is one of those metal tricks. You’re gonna love it!
Blanche: Who did you talk to?
Rose: A very nice receptionist at NBC.
Alfonso: I am focusing all me powers on this metal object.
Dorothy: That’s idiotic!
Alfonso: No, be patient. It’s a very good trick.
Blanche: You’re basing this whole thing on a conversation you had with a telephone operator at NBC?!
Dorothy: Argh, we’re gonna have to go and tell everyone it was all a big mistake.
Dorothy angrily snatches the keys out of Alfonso’s hand. Dorothy makes her way out the door followed by Rose and Blanche. Dorothy returns to the house.
Dorothy: All my keys are bent.
Sophia: Don’t just stand there. Applaud the man.
Later, Blanche and Sophia are in the kitchen when Dorothy arrives.
Blanche: How did it go, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Awful. When I told everyone at the club that Bob Hope wasn’t going to be in the show, they actually booed me.
Dorothy: I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire life.
Sophia: Aw, come on. You’ve been humiliated plenty. Remember when you tried out for cheerleading in High School?
Dorothy: Ma, why do you constantly look for ways to amuse yourself at my expense?
Sophia: Because we don’t have cable and I can’t crochet. This is who I am, Dorothy. Learn to live with it or medicate me.
Blanche: I still can’t believe that Rose caused all this trouble.
Blanche: This whole fantasy about Bob Hope is sick.
Blanche: I mean, if she’s gonna have fantasies, they ought to be the normal, healthy kind, like, sweaty Argentinean cowboys whipping things while they ride naked on the back of bulls.
Dorothy is silent, pondering.
Dorothy: I have to remember to stop using your towels.
Sophia: This Rose Bob Hope thing reminds me of a similar situation back in my village. Florence Pontevecchio used to fantasize that Alberto Bolognese was her brother.
Blanche: Who was Alberto Bolognese?
Sophia: He was the boot maker in the village.
Dorothy: What’s so special about that?
Sophia: Did I say it was special? I said it was similar. I’m having a cup of tea, talking. You two have a look on your face like you paid for Phantom of the Opera tickets. Excuse me for not being Somerset Maugham! Better I should say nothing from now on and sit here like a pincushion!
Sophia walks out. Rose arrives.
Rose: Hi, girls. Did Bob Hope call?
Blanche: Rose, will you stop being an idiot? Bob Hope is not gonna call, and he is not gonna emcee our show.
Rose: Why, what do you mean? I said he’d be here, and he will.
Dorothy: Rose! Rose, this is not Miracle on 34th Street. You are a grown woman holding on to childhood fantasies. Bob Hope is not your father! He has no idea who you are. And he’s not about to come anywhere near this place.
Rose: That’s not true. He’s here in Miami. It’s right in today’s paper.
Rose shows them the paper. Blanche reads it.
Blanche: She’s right. He is in a golf tournament here.
Rose: Apology accepted.
Dorothy: Rose, what the hell are you talking about? That doesn’t mean he’s gonna be in our show.
Rose: Don’t you see, Dorothy? He’s here in Miami, because he knows I need him. Oh, this is all working out. I can feel it.
Blanche: Dorothy! I think I might have a way to get Mr. Hope to be in our show after all. Why don’t we go over there to that golf tournament, find Mr. Hope and explain our situation? He’s always doing charity events.
Dorothy: I guess it’s worth a shot.
Rose: You don’t have to go through all that trouble. He’ll be at the show. What you need is faith.
Dorothy: And what you need is a psychiatrist who enjoys a challenge.
In a men’s locker room…
Man: Excuse me, you guys got any extra shaving cream?
Dorothy dressed as a man stands up and grabs a can from the locker.
Rose and Blanche both also dressed as men turn around.
Dorothy: Uh, this is so weird. I’ve never been in a men’s locker room before.
Rose: Neither have I.
Blanche: I really like the new carpet they…me neither.
Dorothy: This is ridiculous. This is never gonna work.
Blanche: Now, listen. The caddy said Mr. Hope just finished his round of golf. He’s gotta be here somewhere.
Dorothy: What if he is? He’s not about to do a favor for three people who look like Sam Snead with a hormone problem.
Blanche: Look. You two stay here. I’m gonna check out the rest of the locker room. I think I’ll start out with the Jacuzzi.
Dorothy: You don’t know where the jacuzzy is.
Blanche: Yeah, it’s just down the hall, second door…I’ll ask somebody.
Dorothy: This has been a nightmare.
Rose: Don’t worry, Dorothy. It’s all gonna work out. Because Bob Hope…
Dorothy: Bob Hope won’t let us down.
Dorothy: Rose, Rose. I have known you for over five years, and in that time I have heard the most bizarre stories I have ever heard in my entire life. There was Clovis the two-headed mule who skied backwards on buttermilk.
Rose: It was cottage cheese.
Dorothy: The point is, Rose, this Bob Hope story is odd – even for you.
Blanche: Bob Hope’s gone. We just missed him.
Dorothy: Oh, what?
Blanche: I saw him get in a limousine and drivin’ away. They said he’s going to the airport.
Rose: That can’t be. I mean the show is tomorrow night. He wouldn’t leave before that – he knows I’m depending on him. There must be some other explanation. Maybe…
Dorothy and Blanche just look at Rose.
Rose: Maybe I’m just a foolish old woman who’s lived a silly fantasy her whole life.
Rose sits extremely saddened at the realization.
Blanche: Now…now, honey.
Dorothy and Blanche comfort their friend by hugging her. Two men enter the locker room, and stare at what they think are three men hugging. One of the men turns to the other.
Man: All right, that’s it. We gotta get that antique dealer off the membership committee.
At the fund raiser, the Donatello Triplets are performing.
Donatello Triplets: And what he knows you ain’t got time to learn. These boots are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do, one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.
The audience applaud. Dorothy comes on to the stage.
Dorothy: The Donatello Triplets, ladies and gentlemen. I bet those boots have more miles on them than…
Dorothy forgets her line. She takes up a cue card from her pocket.
Dorothy: Joan Collins’ waterbed.
Only a few laugh.
Dorothy: Her waterbed. And now, I have a real treat for you straight from Poland the Sklarkievich Brothers!
One of the brothers comes up to the stage.
Dorothy: Where’s your brother? Oh, do the best you can.
Sklarkievich starts to juggle.
Sklarkievich: Hey! Hey!
Dorothy returns backstage.
Sophia: So? Do we go on next?
Dorothy: Ma, I can’t let him.
Sophia: Hey, I let you have the Donatello Triplets. A deal is a deal!
Rose: Sophia, Alfonso will only embarrass himself.
Sophia: Oh, please. If he was worried about being embarrassed, he wouldn’t walk around with that much hair in his ears. Besides he called his old vaudeville partner and they perfected one of their old tricks.
There’s a thud in the stage. People started booing. The Sklarkievich brother goes to the backstage.
Dorothy: I know. I know. It’s better with your brother. Well, it can’t get any worse. Alfonso, you’re on.
Alfonso goes to the stage.
Sophia: Well, it looks like I’m in the show after all.
Sophia removes her cloak to reveal her magician’s assistant costume. Blanche enters the backstage.
Blanche: Girls! Something terrible has happened.
Dorothy: Gee, and everything was going so well up until now.
Blanche: Look at these programs. Bob Hope’s name is still on ‘em.
Dorothy: How did that happen? Who’s in charge of the programs.
Rose: I forgot.
Rose: I guess I figured he was gonna come.
Blanche: We have to make an announcement. Refund everybody’s money.
Dorothy: I guess now is as good a time as any.
Rose: This is all my fault. Let me do it.
On the stage, Alfonso is doing is magic trick.
Alfonso: And now my beautiful assistant will step into the magic box.
Sophia enters the magic box. Alfonso closes the door. Rose runs to the stage, and whispers to him.
Rose: Alfonso, I need to make an announcement.
Alfonso: Yes, well, take your time. I forgot the magic words.
Rose: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Rose Nylund, and I’m responsible for what’s happened here tonight. Uh…because of a silly, childish dream I let you all down. I had this crazy idea that I had a special connection to a very special person, and that’s why on all your programs it says that the guest celebrity for tonight’s show is…
The door of the magic box opens, and out comes…
Rose: Bob Hope!
The crowd cheer and applaud. Rose is in awe. Dorothy and Blanche are as well.
Bob Hope: Hey, I know this show is for charity, but that’s the smallest dressing room I’ve ever had in my life!
Blanche walks up to Bob Hope.
Blanche: Oh my God, you’re really Mr. Bob Hope. Oh, being this close to you is the biggest thrill of my life.
Bob Hope: If you were any closer, there wouldn’t be room for my car keys.
Dorothy: Ah, Mr. Hope, could we impose upon you to entertain for a few minutes?
Bob Hope: Will I entertain? I didn’t put this make-up on to go bowling.
Dorothy: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!
Everybody claps and cheers.
Bob Hope: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you! Did you hear…did you hear that Ronald Reagan has just moved back to Hollywood? That’s just what Hollywood needs – another unemployed actor. And you know Reagan left office with the highest popularity rating since FDR. He was more popular than Tammy Bakker at a Maybelline convention.
The girls return to the backstage.
Dorothy: I can’t believe it! How on earth did he get here?
Sophia: You know how Alfonso kept talking about his old vaudeville partner? It turns out it was Bob Hope! Isn’t that a kick?
Bob Hope: You know since Ron and Nancy moved back to California, we’ve had earthquakes almost every day. Do you think God could be a Democrat? But earthquakes don’t bother the president. If Sam Donaldson couldn’t shake him up, nothing will.
Blanche: Oh Rose, I think we owe you an apology, honey. You were right after all.
Rose: Oh, you don’t owe me an apology. This was a lucky coincidence. I’m just glad it all worked out. Boy, but I have learned one lesson. No more silly daydreams for me.
Bob Hope: Now, Nancy Reagan has mixed feelings about moving back to California. She’s afraid her husband might not have as much free time to spend with her anymore.
Rose: Thanks, Dad!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of ”You Gotta Have Hope”. This Golden Girls episode was written by Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan. Golden Girls is owned by Witt Thomas Harris Productions, Touchstone Pictures and Television, and NBC.
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