Rose Nylund and Dorothy Zbornak are at the kitchen cleaning up when Blanche Devereux arrives.
Rose: Blanche, what are you doing home? I thought you were out on a date with Jerry?
Blanche: So did I. He let me out at the movie theater, and said he was going to go park the car. That’s the last I saw of him.
Rose: I think you’ve been ditched.
Blanche: Now, did I ask you? If I want advice on getting ditched I’ll ask an expert. Dorothy, did I get ditched?
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, but don’t feel bad. Look what it’s done for Sonny Bono.
Blanche: Then it’s finally happened. I cannot believe it. I have lost it, haven’t I?
Sophia enters the kitchen.
Sophia: In more backseats than any woman I know.
Dorothy: Ma, you’re not feeling any better, are you?
Sophia: I’m fine, thank you.
Dorothy: You look terrible.
Sophia: Gee, I guess I won’t be making it to the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year like the rest of you.
Rose: Sophia, Dorothy is just concerned about your health.
Blanche: We all are.
Dorothy: Ma, you have been walking around sick for over a week. You would feel a lot better if you would just obey the doctor’s orders. Now look, either you’re gonna follow his orders or I’ll call him and tell on you.
Sophia: Oh, what is he gonna do? Come over, and spank me?
Blanche: If he does, tell him to come by my room.
The doorbell rings.
Dorothy: Who could that be at this hour?
Rose: Maybe it’s Blanche’s date.
Blanche: Oh, he better not show up here. I’ll get it.
Blanche walks to get the door. The three follow her. Blanche opens the door only to find Stan.
Stan: Hi, everyone. It’s me, Stan. Look, I know it’s late, but I had to come by. I have awesome news.
Stan enters the house.
Sophia: Dating someone over twelve?
Dorothy: Ma, that’s not nice. Is that it, Stanley?
Stan: No! Congratulate me, everyone. I’m getting hitched.
Dorothy: Oh, that’s wonderful!
Blanche: Well, congratulations, Stanley.
Dorothy: Tell us all about it.
Stan: Her name is Katherine. We met at the post office. We discovered we had a lot in common.
Sophia: Oh, is she bald too?
Stan: For the first few months, I found myself sending her flowers, candy, friendship notes for no special reason.
Rose: Oh, that’s lovely, Stan. I’m impressed.
Stan: Yeah, I read in a book by some dame shrink that chicks really eat that stuff up. Anyway, Katherine and I fell in love, and on the spur of the moment we decided to get married. The wedding is a week from tonight, and you’re all invited. I talked to the kids. They said they’ll try and fly in. I gotta go now.
Stan pulls out from his pocket a box.
Stan: I’m on my way to surprise Katherine with this.
Stan opens the small box, and shows it to Dorothy. Dorothy shows it to Rose, and Sophia looks over.
Stan: What do you think?
Sophia: I think Lisa Bonet spent more on the ring in her nose.
Dorothy: Don’t listen to her, Stanley. It’s beautiful. I’m sure Katherine will love it.
Stan: You mean it?
Dorothy: Not a word.
Blanche takes a look at the ring.
Stan: Babe, it’s a real diamond. What’s wrong with it?
Blanche: I think the more appropriate questions is “Where is it?”.
Stan: Ok, the diamond’s not very big. Ok, it’s not a real diamond. It’s the thought that counts. Okay, I didn’t put much thought into it. It was cheap! I’m cheap! What can I tell you?
Blanche: Stanley, honey. Why don’t you let me help you pick out something else for Katherine?
Rose: I’ll help too.
Stan: Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my taste. You’ve seen that ring that I picked for Dorothy.
Dorothy: Actually, he was going for a bracelet, but the mechanical claw grabbed the ring.
Stan: Okay, girls. I guess I do need some help. I’ll call tomorrow, and set up a time to go shopping. I really have to run now. I’m fixing a terrific late-night supper for Katherine. Oh, really? In thirty-eight years of marriage, you never once cooked a terrific meal for us.
Stan: Neither did you.
The next day, Sophia is in the kitchen cooking when Dorothy arrives.
Dorothy: Ma, I thought you were supposed to be taking it easy.
Sophia: When I feel bad I have to take my mind off it. There’s only one thing that does that for me.
Dorothy: Cooking a big meal.
Sophia: No, making love in a closet, but hey, you do what you can.
Blanche and Rose arrive.
Blanche: Hi, we’re back.
Rose: We helped Stan pick out a ring for Katherine. I feel terrible. I think we spent too much money.
Blanche: Oh, stop worrying about the money. We’re talking about love.
Rose: I still think we spent too much.
Sophia: You didn’t spend it. The yutz spent it. That’s what makes him a yutz.
Blanche: Sophia’s right. Don’t worry about it.
Dorothy: Ma, Ma, I think you better sit down.
Dorothy walks over to her mother, and assists her to a seat.
Dorothy: Come one, over here. Here you go.
Sophia continues to cough.
Rose: Dorothy, should I get Sophia a glass of water?
Dorothy: No, Rose. You should sit here and watch her hack herself to death.
Rose: Are you sure?
Dorothy: Get the water!
Rose rushes to get water. Sophia’s cough worsens.
Blanche: I am gonna call the doctor.
Sophia: I can’t breathe.
Dorothy: Forget the doctor, Blanche. Call the paramedics.
At the hospital, Dorothy accompanied by Rose anxiously pace the waiting room.
Dorothy: What is taking them so long? It’s been over an hour.
Rose: I’m sure they’re doing the best they can.
Blanche arrives with three cups of coffee.
Blanche: The cafeteria was closed. This is all I could find.
Rose: Thanks, honey.
Blanche: Any word on Sophia?
Dorothy: None. Oh, I hate waiting.
Blanche: I hate hospitals.
Rose: I hate when the people put each other down on Love Connection.
Stan: Dorothy, I got here as fast as I could.
Dorothy: Stan, how’d you know where to find us?
Stan: Well, I had second thoughts about the price of the ring the girls made me buy so I came by the house. The neighbors told me what happened.
Dorothy: I’m so happy you’re cheap.
Stan: So how’s Sophia doing?
Blanche: We still don’t know.
Dorothy: Oh Stan, I’m scared.
The doctor arrives.
Doctor: Mrs. Zbornak?
Dorothy: Oh, Dr. Seymour, is my mother going to be all right?
Dr. Seymour: Her condition is quite serious.
Dorothy: But you said it was just a simple virus.
Dr. Seymour: It’s advanced to pneumonia. Normally I wouldn’t be this concerned, but her resistance is very low. That, coupled with her age, makes those next few hours critical.
Dorothy: Are you saying my mother could die?
Dr. Seymour: We’re doing everything possible. All we can do right now is wait, and see how she responds to treatment.
Dorothy: Can I see her?
Dr. Seymour: Not until she’s out of Intensive Care. The best thing you can do now is go home, and get some rest. I’ll call if there’s any change.
Dr. Seymour leaves.
Stan: Come on, Dorothy. I’ll take you home.
Dorothy: No, I’m not leaving.
Rose: Then we’ll all stay.
Dorothy: No, you go.
Blanche: Oh, no. We’re not going anywhere.
Dorothy: I would rather be alone. Please.
Stan: Are you sure, babe?
Rose: Would it be stupid to ask for a group hug before we leave?
Dorothy: Oh, of course not, honey.
The four of them hug.
Dorothy: Hands above the waist, Stanley.
Early morning, Dorothy is still at the hospital. She looks out the window. Stanley arrives.
Stan: Hi, babe. I hope you’re hungry.
Dorothy: I thought I sent you home.
Stan: I was in the neighborhood.
Dorothy: What? At one o’clock in the morning?
Stan: All right. I couldn’t sleep. I keep thinking about Sophia. How is she?
Dorothy: No one has said a word to me in hours.
Stan: What? That’s ridiculous. I’m gonna find somebody right now.
Stan stops an orderly.
Stan: Uh, excuse me. I want some information and I want it now.
The Asian man speaks with a heavy accent.
Orderly: The john is down the hall.
Stan: Yeah, it’s about a patient. Sophia Petrillo. She’s in Intensive Care.
Orderly: The cafeteria’s closed.
The man tries to leave.
Stan pulls out money from his pocket.
Stan: Get a doctor in here.
The Asian man speaks with a perfect American accent.
Orderly: Someone will be with you in just a moment.
The orderly leaves.
Dorothy: You really care about Ma, don’t you, Stan?
Stan: Hey, if someone puts you down for forty years, I guess you have a special bond. I can’t imagine life without her telling me what a yutz I am, what a lousy husband I was, how my toupee looks like a monkey’s behind. God, I love that woman.
Dorothy: I do too. Oh, what are we gonna do if she doesn’t make it?
Stan: She’s going to be fine. Come on. Let’s eat. I brought you your favorite.
Dorothy: Oh, you’re such a sweetheart. Chinese.
Stan: No, Italian.
While Dorothy and Stan are getting ready to eat, the orderly arrives with an annoyed doctor.
Doctor: Look, there’s been no change on the Petrillo case. We are very busy. We’ll call when we can.
Stan: Listen, buddy. Sophia may just be another case to you, but we happen to love her. So, we want to know how she is, regardless. So, from now on, I want to be informed every hour, on the hour. Do you understand me?
Doctor: I’m sorry, sir. I’ll see that you’re kept informed.
The doctor leaves.
Dorothy: You were magnificent.
Stan: I have my moments. Well, what do you want? Lasagna or cannelloni?
Dorothy: Oh, Ma makes great lasagna. I can never get mine to taste as good. She says it’s because I don’t sing to my marinara sauce. That’s her secret. She sings opera to her sauce. Except, of course, during the holiday season when se sings Nat King Cole.
Dorothy’s mood suddenly changes, and she buries her face in her hand.
Stan: I love your lasagna.
Dorothy: You’re just saying that to make me feel better.
Stan: Is it working?
Dorothy: Like a charm.
The two fall asleep on the couch of the hospital waiting room. Morning came, and Dr. Seymour arrives.
Dr. Seymour: Excuse me, Mrs. Zbornak.
Dorothy: Oh…Oh! My mother?
Dr. Seymour: She’s going to be fine. You can go up and see her right away.
Dorothy: Oh, ho-ho. Thank you. Oh, she’s…she’s going to be all right. Stanley, come on. Let’s go see her.
Stan: No, no, no. You go. You two should be alone. I’ll stay here and clean up. I’ll stop by later.
Dorothy: Stan, thank you for standing by me. I don’t know how I could have done it without you.
Stan: Hey, what are ex-husbands for?
Dorothy makes her way to see Sophia, while Stanley cleans the mess from last night’s dinner. Dorothy looks at him, and smiles. Soon, she enters Sophia’s hospital room, and finds her sleeping.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, you scared me to death.
Sophia opens her eyes, and is startled.
Sophia: You scared me to death!
Dorothy: You couldn’t put on a little makeup? There could be a single doctor. I’d like to know you’re being taken care of…or at least getting a little on the side. Ma, the doctor says you’re gonna be just fine.
Sophia: Of course, I am. I survived war, disease, and two seasons of Designing Women.
Blanche and Rose arrive.
Blanche: Hello, Sophia.
Rose: Hi, Sophia. We just stopped by on our way to work to check on you. How are you feeling?
Dorothy: She’s gonna be just fine, only this time she’s gonna follow the doctor’s orders.
Rose: What about you, Dorothy? You must be exhausted being here by yourself all night.
Dorothy: No, I wasn’t alone. Stan came by and stayed with me. Brought me food. Held me. Showed me that special part of himself.
Rose: Right there in the waiting room?
Dorothy: Not that part, Rose. Anyway, spending time with Stan made me see something that I hadn’t realized.
Sophia: He dyes the hair in his ears? I noticed that months ago.
Dorothy: Besides that. I’m still in love with the man, and I can’t let him marry someone else.
Sophia: Is it me or is the room suddenly getting darker?
The next night, Dorothy boils water in a kettle, and brings her laundry to the laundry room. Rose pulls Blanche to the living room.
Rose: Hurry up, Blanche.
Blanche: Rose, stop pulling on my nightie. It’s only got one yank left in it before it falls completely apart. Now, I’m saving that for Henry Barnsworth.
Rose: Shh. I just don’t want Dorothy to hear.
Rose pulls Blanche to the kitchen.
Rose: Blanche, we can’t let Dorothy ruin Stan and Katherine’s wedding. I mean, it’s selfish, it’s adolescent and…
Dorothy enters the kitchen unbeknownst to Rose.
Rose: it’d put a real cramp in their honeymoon.
Rose: For somebody who’s supposed to be so smart, Dorothy’s acting like a real goober.
Rose: I would say that right to her face. Of course, I’d have to stand on a chair.
Dorothy who has been behind her listening, pushes a chair to Rose.
Rose: It’s her, isn’t it?
Blanche pulls Rose aside.
Blanche: Now Dorothy, don’t you be mad at Rose. She’s only saying what she feels.
Dorothy: Yeah, what about you? Do you think I’m terrible, because I want my husband back?
Blanche: Ex-husband, Dorothy. Ex-husband who left you, and didn’t even have the courtesy to tell you he was leaving. Ex-husband who married somebody half your age just one week after your divorce. Ex-husband who’s getting married again tomorrow. I don’t know why you want that man. He’s treated you like dirt, and event hat I could overlook if he had a good body.
Dorothy: Look, Blanche, I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but my mind is made up. I love Stanley, I want to be with him, and I am very sorry about Katherine.
Blanche: What on earth is suddenly so wonderful about Stanley?
Dorothy: Everything, just everything. He has grown. He has changed. You should’ve seen the way he took over when Ma was sick. He was so commanding, so masterful, and yet so sensitive and so vulnerable. I know I couldn’t have gotten through it without him.
Blanche: Listen, Dorothy. You thought Sophia might be dying. You were the one who was sensitive and vulnerable.
Rose: Blanche is right. At the counseling center I see cases like this all the time. When people lose loved ones they do things they’d never normally do. Take Mrs. Polowski. When her mother died, she divorced her husband, lost thirty pounds, dyed her hair, and ran off to Paris with an artist ten years her junior. I just got a postcard last week.
Blanche: Yeah, and now she’s miserable and bony and sick of eating snails, right?
Blanche looks at Rose to give her a hint.
Rose: No. They bought a beautiful home in Cannes.
Rose: Granted not a great example.
Dorothy: Thank you for proving my case, Rose. Ma getting sick was probably a good thing after all, ‘cause it made me see how great Stan is.
Blanche: All right. What if this isn’t what Stanley wants?
Rose: Excellent point. What about that, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Nah, if you had been there that night, you’d know that he feels exactly the same way about me.
Blanche: Then how come he hasn’t called off his wedding and told you he loves you?
Dorothy: Because he is not sure how I feel. He wants me to make the first move.
Rose: Oh, gee, I hadn’t counted on this. She makes good sense.
Dorothy: I want to thank you for helping me think this through. You know, up until now I honestly had a few doubts, but after talking to you I know exactly what I’m gonna do. Tomorrow, before the wedding, I’m gonna tell Stan I love him.
Dorothy walks out of the kitchen.
Blanche: Well, way to go, Rose. You talked her into doing exactly the opposite of what we wanted her to do.
Rose: I guess that’s why they took me off the suicide hotline at work.
Stanley already dressed for his wedding is at his hotel room when there’s a knock on the door.
He opens it, and finds Dorothy on the other side.
Dorothy: Can I come in?
Stan: Oh, sure.
Dorothy enters the room.
Stan: Do I look like a man who is about to do it for the third time? Get married I mean.
Dorothy: Very handsome. Have you lost weight?
Stan: No, I’m wearing a girdle. Is a Sophia gonna make it to the wedding?
Dorothy: She’s not quite up to it. She sends her regards, and baggies for me to bring back hors d’oeuvres. You’re wearing a girdle?
Stan: Yeah, and padded shoulders. Is my head sweating?
Dorothy: No, um, Stan, the reason I came…
There’s a knock at the door. Stan opens the door to Rose. She enters the room.
Rose: Is the wedding still on?
Stan: Yes. Why wouldn’t it be?
Blanche follows behind Rose.
Blanche: He’s right. Why wouldn’t it be? Dorothy, come on let’s go powder our noses before the ceremony.
Blanche forces Dorothy to come with them.
Dorothy: Stan, I have to get something off my chest.
Rose: I agree.
Rose grabs the broach from Dorothy’s chest, and throws it.
Rose: There. That’s much better.
Blanche: Boy, I’ll say. Okay, let’s go.
Blanche pushes Dorothy towards the door.
Dorothy: I am not going anywhere!
Stan: Would you girls excuse me? My girdle is killing me.
Stan makes his way to the bathroom.
Rose: He’s wearing a girdle?
Dorothy: And padded shoulders.
Blanche: And knowing him, a sock in his crotch.
Dorothy: All right, what are you two doing here anyway?
Blanche: We have come to stop you from making a fool of yourself.
Stan returns to the receiving area of his hotel room.
Stan: Why would she make a fool of herself?
Blanche: Well, Stanley, you know how she gets at weddings all emotional. Her nose starts running then her mascara runs. Pretty soon everything’s running altogether, and nobody can enjoy their cake.
Dorothy: Stan, I have to tell you something.
Blanche knocks on the wooden part of the wall.
Blanche: Dorothy, somebody’s at the door.
Rose: I’ll get it.
Blanche: No, you won’t. Let Dorothy get it.
Rose: But I’m closer.
Blanche kicks Rose.
Rose: Ow! My ankle!
Blanche forces Rose to sit on the couch.
Blanche: Oh, it must be that old plow injury. Dorothy, honey, could you get the door?
Dorothy opens the door. Blanche pushes her out, and closes it behind her.
Blanche: Dorothy stepped out for some air.
There’s a banging on the door.
Stan: Why’s she banging on the door?
Rose: It looks like that button’s coming off.
Rose walks over to Stan, and pulls out a button from his tuxedo.
Rose: Yep, I was right. We’d better go sew it on.
Dorothy is at the hotel bar.
Dorothy: Bartender, give me another.
Bartender: Come on, lady. You don’t need another.
Dorothy: Why not?
Bartender: You’ve had three already.
Dorothy: I said give me another!
Bartender: Fine. It’s your life. Just don’t blame me if you get sick.
The bartender gives Dorothy a basket of popcorn. A woman approaches her.
Woman: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?
Dorothy: No, help yourself.
Bartender: What can I get you, lady?
Woman: How about a shot of self-confidence?
Bartender: Let me guess. You didn’t come in here to drink. You’ve got a problem and you need someone to talk to. Am I right?
Woman: That’s right.
Bartender: Then take a quarter and call a shrink. This ain’t Cheers.
The woman looks very anxious.
Dorothy: Are you okay?
Woman: Just a little nervous. I’m supposed to get married in exactly twenty minutes right here in this hotel.
Dorothy: Well then, what are you doing here? Cold feet?
Woman: Yeah, but not about him. See, he’s got this ex-wife.
Dorothy: Better be careful what you say. I happen to be an ex-wife.
The woman chuckles.
Woman: Not like his, I’m sure. No one’s like her. She’s superwoman. She was the perfect wife. Cooked, cleaned, had two kids, got an education, has never looked better, and now she has a career.
Dorothy: That wasn’t a marriage. That’s a commercial for a mini pad.
Woman: Her name is Dorothy, and she’s coming to our wedding. I mean, they’re still friends. Listen to me. I’m so intimidated by a woman I’ve never even met.
Dorothy: Well, that’s understandable. I mean, she sounds pretty terrific. I bet she’s gorgeous too.
Woman: No. The daughter had a nose job, and she had her mother’s nose. Evidently, it was a honker.
Dorothy chokes on the popcorn she’s eating. She coughs it out.
Woman: Are you all right?
Dorothy: I’m fine. You were saying?
Woman: I don’t know what I’m saying. All I know is I’ve waited all my life to find someone like Stan. That’s my fiancé.
Dorothy: I know.
Woman: You do?
Dorothy: I…I…I know how you feel.
Woman: No, you don’t. See, I’ve never been married before, except to my career. I guess that’s why I feel so insecure about being a wife. I want to be a good wife.
Dorothy: You’re really crazy about the guy.
Woman: Head over heels in love. I feel like a teenager. He’s smart. He’s funny, and…
The woman whispers to Dorothy.
Woman: The best lover I’ve ever had.
Dorothy: You haven’t slept around much, have you?
Woman: I beg your pardon.
Dorothy: Oh, nothing. Popcorn?
Woman: Oh, no. No, thanks.
Dorothy: So, um, you think he might still be in love with his ex-wife?
Woman: Oh, they’re still good friends. I mean, he talks about her all the time. Dorothy this. Dorothy that. What if she decides she wants him back?
Dorothy: If she’s as great as you say she is, and no doubt she is, well, possibly in a week moment, she might think she wants him back, but then maybe she’d think of the two of you together, and what a nice person you seem to be, how he loves you, and how much you love him and I think she’d realize that her time with him was over, and she’d let go graciously and wish him well. In fact, I think that’s exactly what she’d do.
Woman: No, she wouldn’t.
Dorothy: Yes, she would.
Woman: No, she wouldn’t.
Dorothy: Yes, she would.
Woman: How can you be sure?
Dorothy: I’m a Leo. We’re all very sure of ourselves.
Woman: Well, it looks like I’ve got a wedding to go to.
Dorothy: I’m going to a wedding myself. You mind if I walk with you?
Woman: Not at all. You know. You’re a very wise person. What did you say your name was?
Dorothy: I didn’t.
Woman: Well, I really enjoyed talking with you. I hope we meet again soon.
Dorothy: Believe me, we will.
Dorothy and the woman walk out of the bar together.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of ”Stan Takes a Wife”. This Golden Girls episode was written by Winifred Hervey-Stallworth. Golden Girls is owned by Witt Thomas Harris Productions, Touchstone Pictures and Television, and NBC.
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