Rose Nylund, Blanche Devereux and Dorothy Zbornack arrive from the softball game.
Dorothy: Oh! Why is it they always schedule the charity softball game on the hottest day of the year?
Blanche: I know. I’m all hot and sweaty, I’m short of breath and I’m physically exhausted. He! You’d think I had a good time?
Rose: You didn’t have fun?
Blanche shakes her head.
Blanche: Only thing I really enjoyed was stealing second base.
Dorothy: When have you not enjoyed sliding under a man in uniform?
Rose: It’s hotter in here than it is outside.
Rose goes to check the thermostat.
Rose: Oh no! Of all days for the air conditioner to break down. We’d better call the repairman.
Dorothy: Oh, his number’s in the kitchen.
Blanche: So is the ice cream. We can have some while we’re waiting.
The three make their way to the kitchen. They find Sophia in front of the open refrigerator with her robe open.
Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing?
Sophia: I’m giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill! What do you think? It’s hot as hell in here.
Dorothy: Close it before the food spoils.
Sophia closes her robe.
Dorothy: I meant the refrigerator!
Sophia closes the refrigerator door.
Rose: I’m gonna call the repairman.
Sophia: I already did. He said he’d be over in fifteen minutes. That was three hours ago.
Blanche walks over to the refrigerator.
Blanche: Well, let’s break out the ice cream.
Blanche takes out the ice cream, and a brown paper bag.
Blanche: What’s this?
Sophia: I froze my underwear to stay cool. I’d lend you a pair, but on you I’m afraid they’d melt too fast.
Sophia walks out of the kitchen. Rose opens a letter from the mail.
Rose: I don’t believe this! This is incredible news. I’ve been nominated for St. Olaf woman of the year.
Blanche: Well, that’s nice. Did the new TV Guide come yet?
Rose: Blanche, you don’t understand. In St. Olaf this is the highest honor there is. Oh, I never dreamed that someone as unqualified as I am would ever be nominated for anything so important.
Dorothy: I guess Dan Quayle really opened the floodgates.
Rose: Last year Gretchen Lillehamer won for running into the burning library and saving all the books.
Blanche: That is amazing. How’d she do that?
Rose: She took two books in one hand and one in the other, and ran like the dickens.
Dorothy: Your library only has three books? What happens when a person’s read them all?
Rose: I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
There’s a knock on the back door. Dorothy gets up from her chair to answer it.
Rose: I’m gonna go to my room, and write down my achievements. You know it doesn’t matter whether I win. I mean just being nominated is enough.
Blanche: That’s a good attitude, Rose.
Rose: It’s also a crock of bull. I want that sucker bad.
Rose leaves the kitchen, while Dorothy arrives with the repairman.
Dorothy: This is Fred. He’ll fix the air conditioning.
Rose: Oh, thank God you’re here. This heat’s driving me crazy.
Repairman: You’re not the only one. The old lady next door is running through a sprinkler in her underwear.
Dorothy: There’s no old lady living…
Dorothy makes her way to the window.
Sophia and Blanche are sitting on the couch when Dorothy enters the living room.
Dorothy: This is unbearable. It must be a hundred and ten in here.
Blanche: Dorothy I’ll tell you a very simple way to beat the heat. Just imagine yourself in a cool place.
Dorothy sits beside Blanche.
Blanche: Like a snowy, windy mountaintop in Colorado. With a ski instructor named Fritz, and a bearskin rug and a bottle of brandy and a crackling fire. My God, Dorothy, it must be a hundred and twenty in here. Whoo!
Rose walks into the living room with a pencil and notepad.
Dorothy: Morning, Rose.
Rose looks at Dorothy, and starts to cry. She goes to the kitchen.
Blanche: Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel.
Blanche, Dorothy, and Sophia go to the kitchen.
Blanche: Honey, what’s the matter?
Rose: Everything. I just found out I’m the most boring person alive.
Sophia: Did something happen to Regis Philbin?
Rose: No. I was listing my accomplishments for the St. Olaf woman of the year, and it wasn’t I saw them in black and white that I realized my top accomplishments aren’t worth a damn.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, now, Rose. You’re forgetting how much you give to people. How about all that work down at the counseling center?
Blanche: That’s right. Well honey, you must help hundreds of people every year.
Rose: All I do is talk to them. Big deal.
Blanche: Well it is a big deal. Do you know how much a kind loving word means to a person in despair?
Dorothy: That is your gift, Rose, and I wouldn’t take it lightly.
Rose: You’re just saying that. I haven’t added anything to the world.
Sophia: Look, Rose. Go doesn’t make mistakes. We were all put on this planet for a purpose. Blanche, you’re here to work in a museum so art can be appreciated by humanity. Dorothy, you’re here as a substitute teacher to educate our youth, and Rose you’re here because the rhythm method was very popular in the twenties.
Dorothy and Blanche give Sophia a scathing look.
Sophia: Ok? I’m going to the movies. Goodbye.
Rose: I’m going to bed.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Rose, you just got up.
Rose: With my life, it’s not like I’ll miss anything.
Rose leaves the kitchen. Blanche sighs then clicks her tongue.
Dorothy: Poor Rose. I hate seeing her so upset.
Blanche: She’s just not good at judging herself. She can’t see all her accomplishments the way we can.
Dorothy: You know something, maybe all this resume needs is a little punching up.
Blanche: You mean exaggerate the truth? Create wild and colorful stories just to impress people? Dorothy, you can’t do that!
Dorothy: Oh, I know.
Blanche: That’s my specialty! Ok, let’s see here.
Blanche reads from what Rose has written.
Blanche: Found a baby robin that fell out of its tree and returned it to its nest. Make that a baby eagle.
Dorothy writes down what Blanche has said.
Dorothy: Baby eagle.
Blanche: And it happened during a big rainstorm.
Blanche: Which caused a mighty flood that covered all the land.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Blanche, nobody in his right mind is gonna believe this story.
Blanche: This is going to St. Olaf.
Dorothy quickly writes Blanche’s suggestion.
Dorothy: Which caused a mighty flood…
The next day, Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia are in the living room fanning themselves when Rose arrives.
Blanche: Honey, are you feeling better?
Rose: A little. I tried this technique I read about to cheer myself up. You stand in front of a mirror, and you tell yourself, “I love you”. And then, you give yourself a great big hug.
Sophia: Yeah, my son Phil used to do that all the time. Got to a point he couldn’t pass a mirror without saying, “I love you”. I can’t tell you how many times he got punched up in the men’s room.
The doorbell rings. Dorothy answers it. Three men in winter clothing enter.
Man #1: We are the St. Olaf Woman of the Year Blue Ribbon Panel.
Man #2: Does Rose Nylund live here?
Rose gets up.
Rose: I’m Rose Nylund.
Blanche: Aren’t you fellas a little overdressed?
Man #1: I told you we didn’t have to wear a tie.
Man #2: Allow us to introduce ourselves. I’m Len, this is Sven and this is Ben.
Three Men: We are the Toppelkoffer triplets.
Dorothy: How odd. You don’t look anything alike.
Ben: Oh, really? Haha! Back in St. Olaf, nobody could tell us apart.
Sven: You can imagine all the fun we had playing tricks on our teachers in school.
Sophia: Which of you brothers has custody of the brain?
Rose: So, what brings you guys to Miami? Wait a minute. I bet this has something to do with the St. Olaf Woman of the Year Award.
Ben: No wonder she’s a finalist.
Rose: Did I win?
Sven: Not yet!
Len: A lot would depend on verifying the facts in this here biography.
Rose: Oh, this is so exciting.
Dorothy and Blanche give each other a worried look.
Rose: Let me get us some refreshments before we start.
Rose runs to the kitchen. Dorothy offers the men a seat.
Dorothy: Please make yourselves comfortable.
The three men sit on the couch.
Dorothy: Sorry, it’s so hot, and here we are in the middle of a heat wave with no air conditioning.
Len: Not necessarily. If Rose wins, you’ll be flown all expenses paid to St. Olaf to attend the ceremony.
Dorothy: Well, this year I was planning to watch it on TV.
Sven: You know, if all goes well with this here interview, you can start packing right away.
Blanche: Oh you know, I don’t think I’d bother Rose with an old interview. You know, you’d just embarrass her. She’s so modest.
Len: I’m sorry, but the rules state we must conduct face-to-face interviews with all the candidates.
Rose arrives with the refreshments.
Rose: I made some nice, hot cocoa.
Blanche and Dorothy’s faces turn into disbelief. The three men waste no time to get their hot cocoa.
Ben: Now, Rose, tell us how you got up the courage to save that eagle.
Rose looks a little confused, but answers anyway.
Rose: It was just a bird.
Ben: What about saving that there school bus? Huh?
Rose: I just gave it directions.
Ben: Oh yeah, but there was a bridge washed out on the road ahead.
Rose: Really? Wait a minute. I can’t take credit for those things.
Dorothy: Rose, please. Gentlemen, you’re embarrassing her. I mean, the woman is a saint, and she’s far too modest to take credit for any of her good deeds. So what do you say? Do we have a winner here or not?
The three men deliberate.
Sven: Rose Nylund. You are St. Olaf’s Woman of the Year!
Rose is overjoyed. Blanche and Dorothy are happy as well.
The next day, all four girls are in an old airplane to St. Olaf.
Captain: Ladies and gentlemen, the fasten your seatbelts sign is now off. If anyone knows how to fix it, please report to the flight attendant.
Dorothy and Blanche worriedly look at each other.
Blanche: I don’t get it. Why did we get off that lovely jetliner in Minneapolis and switch to this rickety old thing?
Rose: Because the jets are too big to land at St. Gustave.
Dorothy: St. Gustave? I thought we are flying to St. Olaf?
Rose: St. Olaf doesn’t have an airport. The only way you can get to St. Olaf is to fly to St. Gustave and then take land transportation to St. Olaf. Even the birds do it that way when they migrate.
Dorothy: I don’t believe this.
Rose: Could be worse. We could be going to Beaver Falls.
Passenger: Beaver Falls? That’s my stop.
The man pulls a string. A bell dings. The airplane’s door opens, and the man jumps with his parachute. The flight attendant closes the door nonchalantly.
Dorothy and Blanche are shocked.
Rose: I jus can’t believe we’re on our way to St. Olaf. Oh, I’m so excited. You girls are gonna love it, but I guess everybody thinks his hometown is pretty special.
Sophia: I know I do. I’ll never forget when I went back after many, many years, it was just as I remembered it. Garbage in the street. Prostitute in the doorways. A couple of guys hanging from their heels in the town square.
Sophia’s voice breaks up.
Sophia: I can’t go on. Got a handkerchief?
Blanche hands her a handkerchief.
Blanche: Honey, why are you getting all teary? Sicily sounds just awful.
Sophia: That wasn’t Sicily. That was my first apartment in Brooklyn.
Rose: Well, I’ll tell you, the best part of this whole thing is sharing the most important moment of your life with your best friends.
Blanche: Oh, we’re just happy to be with you when you get your little plaque.
Rose: Oh, Blanche, it’s more than a plaque. In St. Olaf it’s the highest honor. We all think of it as a reminder that no matter how bad things may be in the rest of the world, St. Olaf is still a place that’s filled with honest people leading honest lives.
Blanche and Dorothy shamefully look at each other.
Blanche: Well, we’re just really proud of you, Rose.
Dorothy: And I’m sure, Rose, hat there is nobody who deserves that award more than you do.
Captain: This is the captain speaking. We are about to begin our descent to St. Gustave airport. At least I think it’s the airport.
Rose, and the girls take a peep out the window.
Rose: Wow, in twenty minutes we’ll be in St. Gustave. Then we’ll hop on the train for Zumbro Falls and we’ll grab the shuttle. By my estimation we should be in St. Olaf in a couple of days.
Sophia, Blanche and Dorothy: Days?!
The four women enter the train’s cabin.
Dorothy: I will never forgive that airline as along as I live.
Blanche: I cannot believe they lost all our luggage. Now, I have to go a whole weekend without underwear.
Sophia: Yeah, you usually slip into a pair by Sunday afternoon.
Rose: God, I hate fog.
Sophia: Why? You spent most of your life in one.
Rose: I meant if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden.
Blanche: What’s Mount Losenbaden?
Rose: It’s kinda like Mount Rushmore except they sculpted four losers of presidential elections in the mountainside. Let’s see. There’s Alf Landen, Wendell Wilkie, and Adlai Stevenson, and Adlai Stevenson.
Blanche: Why are there two Adlai Stevensons?
Dorothy: Oh, Blanche. Isn’t it obvious? He lost twice. Oh God it’s making sense.
Rose: Oh girls, come on. From the other side of the train we’ll be able to see Lake Losenbaden.
Blanche: What’s that in the shape of?
Rose: A lake.
Dorothy: I think we’ll just sit here.
Sophia: I’ll go with you, Rose. I’m a sucker for natural beauty, and a gin and tonic. Let’s find the bar car.
Sophia and Rose leave the cabin.
Dorothy: Blanche, I’m glad we’re alone.
Dorothy sits beside Blanche.
Dorothy: There’s something I think we should do.
Blanche: Dorothy, I like you as a friend, but I think I’ll pass.
Blanche: What? What did you mean?
Dorothy: Well, I think that we have to tell Rose what we did.
Blanche: Oh, yes! I have been thinking the same thing. If they ever find out about those lies at her biography, she’ll be the laughing stock of St. Olaf.
Rose and Sophia return.
Blanche: Shh! Here they come.
Dorothy quickly goes back to her chair.
Rose: Girls, girls, I just realized we’re about to go through the Zumbro Falls tunnel.
Blanche: Rose, honey, listen. There’s something we want to tell you.
Rose: Not now. We could be in trouble. People have been known to vanish off the face of the earth when they go through that tunnel.
Blanche: Honey, that’s just ridiculous.
Rose: Hold on. Here we go.
The train is filled with darkness.
Blanche: Rose, listen. It’s about your biography, honey. Um, there’s something in there that, ugh, well, what is the word I’m looking for?
The lights come back up.
Blanche: Um, I don’t know exactly how to say this.
Dorothy looks to her side.
Dorothy: Wait a minute. Where’s Ma?
Rose: Oh, my God, no. The curse of the Zumbro Falls tunnel.
Sophia answers. Her voice is heard from afar.
Dorothy: Ma, where are you? Are you all right?
The toilet flushes.
Sophia: I am now.
Later that night, the girls ride a hay wagon.
Dorothy: I can’t believe this is the shuttle to St. Olaf. How you doing up there, Ma?
Blanche: Sophia, why don’t you want to sit back here with us?
Sophia: Because after three days on the road with you guys, this jackass smells better.
Driver: Thank you!
Rose: Look at that beautiful sky. That’s one of the most wonderful things about being here.
Dorothy: It is beautiful.
Blanche: It is so clear. It looks like you could just reach up, and touch those cars.
Rose: I can’t tell you how many people in St. Olaf have fallen off their roofs trying.
Dorothy: Rose, are we anywhere near St. Olaf?
Rose: We’re getting close. Look, there’s the old tree house. Oh gee, when I was a kid my best friend Ingrid and I used to go up there all the time. Oh gosh, I miss her. I haven’t talked to her in ages.
Blanche: Why don’t you give her a call?
Rose: Maybe I will.
Rose shouts out.
Rose: Hey, Ingrid!
Ingrid answers from a distance.
Ingrid: Is that you, Rose?
Rose is overjoyed.
Ingrid: Well, how are you?
Rose: Fine, Ingrid! How are you?
Ingrid: Oh, fine. Well, nice talkin’ to ya. Bye, Rose.
Rose: Bye, Ingrid! Oh, thank you, Blanche. That was a great idea.
Sophia: It’s great bringing two idiots closer together.
Dorothy: I think that’s the motto of the St. Olaf telephone company.
Rose: I’m getting nervous. Just think, tomorrow I’ll stand in front of the entire town, and be crowned St. Olaf woman of the year.
Driver: Are you Rose Nylund?
Driver: Oh, it’s an honor to drive the woman that beat out Emma Immerhoffer for St. Olaf woman of the year.
Rose: I beat Emma?
Driver: Yeah. We thought she’d be a sure win running the orphanage, taking in the homeless, running them soup kitchens.
Rose: Emma did all that? Oh, she’s a saint. How did I ever beat her?
Dorothy: Uh, Rose. There’s something we have to tell you. You see, what um, Blanche and I did was…well…
Blanche: Rose, what Dorothy’s trying to say is that we just love you so much, and that we wanted you to win so bad that we fudged some of the things on our biography.
Rose now looks angry.
Rose: Fudged? Fudge makes it sound cute. You lied.
Dorothy: We embellished, Rose. Oh Rose, you do good things. I mean, you are the kindest, most decent human being we know. You deserve to win.
Rose: but you lied. Oh, I’m not going through with this. I can’t go back hometown and do something that’s against everything I stand for. I’m gonna call St. Olaf and tell them we’re not coming. Driver, you stop at the first phone.
The girls are back in their house in Miami. Sophia and Dorothy are in the kitchen drinking coffee when Blanche barges in.
Blanche: Good morning! Isn’t it great to be home?
Dorothy: Oh, absolutely. You know, I have an irresistible urge to kiss every piece of furniture in the house.
Sophia: You wouldn’t if you had dates like other people.
Rose enters the kitchen.
Dorothy: Oh, hi, Rose.
Rose’s face becomes sour. She ignores Dorothy.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, come on. You’re not still mad at us because we changed your Woman of the Year application?
Blanche: Honey, we’re so sorry. I just hate it when you’re mad at us, and get like this.
Rose: Okay, you’re forgiven.
Blanche: Oh, Rose!
Dorothy: That was easy.
The three embrace, and laugh.
Rose: Well, I thought it over, and you were just trying to help me, and I can’t stay mad at my best friends. After all, we’ve eaten over five hundred cheesecakes together. Besides, you weren’t raised in St. Olaf. It’s not your fault you’re chronic two-faced liars.
A man calls out from outside.
Blanche: Oh, Dr. Harry Weston, and I’m not dressed, thank God.
Dr. Harry Weston enters the kitchen with his dog.
Harry: Hi, neighbors. Welcome home.
Rose: Hi, Dreyfuss.
Blanche: Hi, Harry. What brings you here today?
Harry: You called me, and told me you were here. Remember you asked me to save your mail for you?
Harry hands Blanche the mail.
Blanche: Oh, yes. So, I did. Thank you, Harry. You’re just about the sweetest thing in my whole zip code. I don’t know why I haven’t had you…over to dinner.
Harry: Well, that would be real nice, yeah.
Blanche: I’ve also been meaning to talk to you about an examination.
Harry: Blanche, I’m a pediatrician.
Blanche: Harry, I’m not sick.
Harry feigns a laugh.
Harry: Well, now I really have to go, and so does Dreyfuss.
Harry puts down a package on the kitchen counter.
Harry: That’s why we’re taking a walk, because we both really need to go. That’s not what I mean. I mean I’ll be walking, Dreyfuss will be going. See you all! Come on, Dreyfuss.
All say goodbye to Harry and Dreyfuss.
Harry: Boy, I know the prescription for me, one of him every four hours.
Rose: Is this for me?
Rose walks over to the package.
Rose: It’s from St. Olaf.
Dorothy: Blanche, what was all that stuff with Harry? You know the man has not dated since his wife died.
Blanche: Well, you can’t spend your whole life in mourning especially when you’re the most eligible bachelor in town.
Sophia: In Sicily, we have a simple rule. If your husband dies, you wait twenty years or until you grow a mustache.
Dorothy: Blanche, we all had an agreement. No one dates Harry until an appropriate amount of time has passed.
Blanche: I know, eighteen months. I have it marked on my calendar with a big, red circle. As of today, that man is in play. I’m just amazed I was able to wait so long. He is so sophisticated and charming and rich and handsome. He fairly screams Blanche. At least he will before I’m through with him.
Rose opens the package.
Rose: Girls, look.
Rose pulls out a trophy, and a letter.
Rose: It’s the St. Olaf Woman of the Year trophy. It says here I won woman of the year after all, because I embody the values of truth and honesty for which the award stands.
Sophia: What happened to Emma Immerhoffer?
Rose: She was disqualified. They found a skeleton in her closet.
Dorothy: What was it?
Rose: Mr. Immerhoffer.
Blanche: This thing isn’t solid gold, is it?
Rose: Oh, no. You just peel off the gold foil, and it’s pure milk chocolate.
Blanche: Oh! That’s the loveliest trophy I’ve ever seen. I’m gonna get a knife.
Dorothy: Rose, there is no way that we can tell you how proud of you we are.
Sophia: Sure, there is. Congratulations, Rose Nylund. You are St. Olaf’s woman of the year.
Sophia, Dorothy, and Blanche: Oofda!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of ”Yokel Hero”. This Golden Girls episode was written by Martin Weiss & Robert Bruce. Golden Girls is owned by Witt Thomas Harris Productions, Touchstone Pictures and Television, and NBC.
Previous Golden Girls Transcript: The One That Got Away
Next Golden Girls Transcript: Bang the Drum, Stanley
More Golden Girls Transcripts
- Downton Abbey
- House of Cards
- Mad Men
- McLeod's Daughters
- Mr. Selfridge
- Orphan Black
- Pushing Daisies
- Remington Steele
- The Tudors
- Three's Company
- White Collar
- Wild Card
- Canceled TV Show
- TV Show Trivia
- TV Show News
- TV Quotes
- Watch Full Episodes