Sophia Petrillo is in the living room browsing a photo album when Dorothy Zbornak comes out of the kitchen.
Dorothy: Hi, Ma. What are you doing?
Sophia: Just looking through the old photo album. Boy, you were a cute kid.
Dorothy: Yeah, I was sorta cute. Oh look, there I am at seven.
Sophia: An angel.
Dorothy: Here I am at eleven.
Dorothy: Oh look, here I am at fifteen.
Sophia: The beginning of the end.
Rose Nylund and Blanche Devereaux arrive.
Dorothy: How did the auditions go?
Rose: Great! You should’ve tried out, Dorothy. Everybody was really stinky. You might have gotten a part this year.
Blanche: Rose, don’t be silly. Dorothy couldn’t get a part. We’re doing the award winning musical Cats. You have to be agile, graceful and sensual.
Dorothy: You’re right, Blanche. I mean, how could I possibly compete with you? You’ve given some of your finest performances in back alleys.
Blanche: Dorothy Zbornak, I resent that remark. Have you been talking to Ed Tyler? That man has such a big mouth! Which reminds me, I wanna give him a call.
Blanche goes to her room.
Rose: Oh, God, she’s really a character. She’s also a cheap slut.
Rose walks to her room. The doorbell rings, and Dorothy answers the door.
Stanley: Hi, it’s me, Stan.
Dorothy: Oh, who cares!
Stanley Zbornak enters the house.
Stanley: Oh, hi, Sophia. Babe, I was out on a drive listening to the Dodgers on the radio, and I got a sudden urge to see a ballgame.
Dorothy: Fine, Stanley. If you leave now, you can make Dodger Stadium in five days. Drive carefully.
Stanley: Wait, Dorothy. I was thinking about us. Good old days back in Brooklyn. Ebbets Field.
Stanley sits beside Dorothy on the couch, and puts his arm around her.
Stanley: Remember those warm summer nights sitting in the bleachers, eating hot dogs, rooting for the Dodgers and kissing passionately between innings?
Dorothy: Stanley, you never took me to Ebbets Field.
Stanley: Oh, it must have been one of the guys from work. Yeah, that’s it. That’s it.
Dorothy: I’ve heard enough.
Stanley: Please, Dorothy. You’ll have the time of your life!
Dorothy: The time of my life? Stan, the last time you said that, it took twelve seconds, and I ended up three months pregnant at my own wedding.
Stanley: Look, I’ll level with you. I got three tickets to today’s ballgame and I can’t find anyone to go with me. Guess I don’t have many friends.
Sophia: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t have any friends! Ah, I’ll go with you Stan.
Dorothy: Ma, you will?
Sophia: I’ll be waiting in the car, Stanley.
Dorothy: I can’t think of anything in the world I would rather do less!
Stanley: Would you like to go to bed with me?
Dorothy: Take me out the ballgame.
Later, Stanley and Dorothy assist Sophia to the bleachers.
Dorothy: Stanley, these…
Dorothy: These seats are…
Dorothy: Pretty far…
Dorothy: From the field.
Stanley: Yeah. Dorothy, baseball was meant to be seen from the bleachers, in small, intimate parks with real grass. If there’s anything I hate, it’s artificial turf.
Sophia: That never stopped you from growing it on your head.
Stanley: Sophia, I’m having too much fun to be bothered by your insults. Are you comfy, babe?
Dorothy: Yeah. You know, this must be my lucky day. I usually end up sitting next to a fat, sweaty man who insists on taking his shirt off.
A fat, sweaty man stands beside Dorothy, and takes his shirt off. The man sits beside Dorothy. Dorothy turns to him.
Dorothy: What kept you?
Stanley: Uh, you want a hotdog, babe?
Dorothy: No, thanks.
Stanley: Uh, how about a sun visor?
Stanley: You want a nice cushion for your chair?
Dorothy: How about cutting the crap, Stanley? Why are we here? And what is it you want from me?
Stanley: Okay, I was gonna wait until we’d sung “Take Me Out To The Ballgame”, but I’ll level with you now. I’m having a little business problem.
Dorothy: What’s the problem?
Stanley: I’m bankrupt.
Stanley: Dorothy, I just need a few bucks until the end of the month.
Dorothy: Oh come on, Ma, we’re leaving.
Sophia: Wait! I gotta see at least one man bat.
The baseball player hits the ball.
Sophia: Whoa! What a hit!
Stanley: I got it.
Stanley stands up.
Stanley: I got! I got it!
The ball hits Sophia on the head.
Dorothy: Ma, are you all right?
Sophia: Fine. Fine. Only next time, Salvador, either we start lower on the bed or remove the headboard.
Sophia loses consciousness. Later, Sophia is at the hospital sleeping. Dorothy is by her bedside, and Stanley is by the window. Rose and Blanche in their Cats costume arrive. Dorothy is startled at the sight of them.
Blanche: We rushed right over from rehearsal.
Rose: How is she, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, the doctor says she’s fine. She’s just a little shaken up. Right now rest is the best thing for her.
Stanley: She’s a tough old broad.
Rose: Well, I knew she’d be okay. Something similar happened to me back in St. Olaf. I was injured during a spirited game of gowhackanoggin.
Dorothy: Should I? What the heck! Rose, what is gowhackanoggin?
Rose: It’s a lot like baseball. Except, instead of hitting a ball, you whack yourself on the head. After ten whacks, if you’re still standing, you take first base. It’s usually a very low-scoring game.
Blanche: Rose, let’s go check out the coffee shop maybe we’ll meet some cute doctors.
The doctor enters the room.
Dorothy: He’s married.
Rose and Blanche leave.
Doctor: Those two here for a CAT scan?
The doctor laughs at his own joke.
Doctor: How’s the patient?
The doctor inspects Sophia’s eyes with a penlight.
Sophia: Will you turn off that damn light, I’m trying to sleep!
Sophia puts on her glasses.
Sophia: Where am I? Who am I? Why am I so wrinkled?
The doctor looks at Dorothy.
Doctor: Don’t be alarmed. Temporary amnesia is not uncommon.
Stanley: Sophia, it’s Stan. Do you remember me?
Sophia: Stan, tall, yutz, head looks like a monkey’s behind?
Stanley: She’s gonna be all right.
Dorothy: How are you feeling, Ma?
Sophia: I’m fine. Let’s go home.
Doctor: Mrs. Petrillo, I’m Dr. Cauley.
Sophia: Pleased to meet you. Well, goodbye.
Dr. Cauley: Mrs. Petrillo. We’d really like you to stay with us for the next forty-eight hours.
Sophia: Please. For half the price I could go to Club Med, get a nicer room, better food, and not be forced to pee in a Dixie cup!
Sophia gets out of bed. Dorothy stops her by pulling her hospital gown.
Sophia: Is there a draft in here?
Sophia feels her back, and realizes that it’s uncovered.
Sophia: Oh, whoa!
Dorothy: Ma, get back in that bed.
Sophia returns to bed. Dorothy puts a blanket on her.
Sophia: There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m in tiptop shape. There’s no reason for me to stay here.
Blanche and Rose return.
Days later, Dorothy is at the living room when she hears shouting from the kitchen. Rose and Blanche run out of the kitchen followed by a broom wielding Sophia.
Dorothy: Calm down! Calm down. What’s wrong?
Sophia: These two drive me crazy. They drink milk off the floor, they scratch the furniture, and this one just coughed up a fur ball!
Rose: That was not a fur ball!
Dorothy: Rose, who cares what it was! Now quit driving Ma crazy.
Rose: Dorothy, our director said to prepare for our roles we must become cats.
Rose turns to Sophia.
Rose: That’s why I’ve been playing with your ball of yarn, and Blanche has been making high-pitched, screeching sounds in her room at night.
Dorothy: You’ve been practicing for this part for a lifetime, haven’t you, Blanche? Ma, listen. The doctor said you are supposed to be in bed.
Sophia: Oh, I’m fine.
Sophia walks over to a chair. Blanche assists her. The doorbell rings, and Dorothy answers the door to find Stanley on the other side.
Stanley: I just came from the hospital they told me Sophia was discharged, is she here?
Dorothy: No, I haven’t taken her out of the trunk of the car yet.
Stanley enters the house.
Stanley: Oh! There you are, Sophia. Are you OK?
Sophia: Hey, I just spent two days in the hospital naked under a sheet with strange men inspecting my body with cold metal instruments.
Blanche: Which reminds me, has Ed Tyler returned my call?
Rose: Come on Blanche, we need to rehearse some more. Would you help us, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, all right.
Blanche: Maybe we can find an old rug to sharpen our claws on. Yeah, how about the one on Stanley’s head?
The girls go to the kitchen, and leaves Sophia with Stanley.
Stanley: Sophia, you know, it’s been a long time since we’ve had a talk.
Sophia: Very good reason for that. I hate talking to you.
Stanley: What a great sense of humor. What would you say if I told you I’ve come up with a great way to make some fast money for us, and all you have to do is lie on your back?
Sophia: I’d say you’re about fifty years too late on that one.
Stanley: I’m talking about a lawsuit. If we can show that you’re severely injured, we can sue the ball club and the ballpark for a lot of money.
Sophia: I’m not severely injured.
Stanley: Yeah, you can fake it. I have a good doctor friend who will back you up.
Sophia: I’m appalled. Shocked! Disgusted! How much money are we talking about?
Stanley: A couple a hundred thousand at least.
Sophia: A couple a hundred throusand?!
Sophia faints. Dorothy and the girls rush to the living room.
Dorothy: Where’s Ma?
Sophia: Down here, paralyzed!
The girls rush to her.
Blanche: Sophia! Honey! Oh, dear!
Later, Sophia is lying on the couch.
Dorothy: Ma, I insist on taking you back to the hospital.
Sophia: I don’t want to go to the hospital!
Blanche: Sophia, you ought to at least see a doctor, honey.
Stanley enters from the kitchen.
Stanley: The doctor’s coming.
Dorothy: What doctor?
Stanley: He’s a friend of mine.
Dorothy: We’re going to the hospital.
Stanley: Dorothy, this guy is good. He’s probably the most learned, respected, important neurologist in Florida.
Blanche: How’d you ever meet a man like that?
Stanley: We were judges at a wet T-shirt contest.
Dorothy: I’m calling the hospital.
Stanley: No, Dorothy, stop, look.
Dorothy: I really feel like this is all my fault. That’s why I’m getting him. He’s the best, and I’m gonna pay for him.
Rose: You, paying for something?
Stanley: What are you saying, I’m cheap?
Dorothy: Well of course she’s saying you’re cheap. You’re the only man I know who owns a timeshare dog. Ma, listen. I’m talking you to the hospital.
Sophia: No, I want Stan’s doctor. I trust this sweet man.
Stanley all smiles walks over to sit beside Sophia.
Dorothy: Sweet?! Ma, you hate Stan.
Sophia: Not anymore. Now, I love him.
Sophia kisses Stan on the forehead.
Sophia: Love, love, love, love this man.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma! Now, what the hell is going on here?
Sophia: Let me tell you something I’ve never told a soul. When I was unconscious, hovering between life and death, I began a journey toward a great white light. Along the way were all the people who went before me. I saw my parents. I saw your father. I saw the Ritz Brothers. Believe me, they’re much funnier dead. As I was about to enter the light, a voice boomed, “Before you can enter the gates of heaven, you must patch things up with your ex-son-in-law Stan”.
Stanley: You see, babe? It’s all part of the big guy’s master plan. I am but a humble servant.
Dorothy: Mr. Belvedere is a humble servant, Stanley. You’re a horse’s ass.
The doorbell rings, and Stanley answers it.
Doctor: Hey, big guy.
Stanley: Everybody, this is Doctor…Jerry.
Rose: Dr. Jerry. Oh, it must be great having just one name. You don’t have to worry about people misspelling your last name all the time.
Jerry: Is your last name difficult to spell?
Rose: Yes, but I’m getting better at it.
Jerry: This must be our patient.
Stanley: No, no, Jerry. It’s the old paralyzed lady on the couch.
Dorothy: Doctor, I just don’t understand. She was fine this morning.
Jerry: Ladies, could I ask you, please, for complete silence?
Jerry sits beside Sophia and stares at her. Jerry turns to Dorothy.
Jerry: I thought I heard a radio going next door. I’m trying to catch a baseball score.
Dorothy: Will you please get on with the examination?
Jerry: Ok, open your mouth and say “Ah”.
Jerry: Yep, she’s paralyzed.
Dorothy: That’s it!
Dorothy grabs Jerry’s arm.
Dorothy: Get out. Out!
Jerry makes his way to the door.
Jerry walks out.
Stanley: Nice going, Dorothy. It not gonna be easy to get him to come back for another house call.
Dorothy: I cannot believe that you asked this man to examine my mother!
Blanche: That’s one doctor whose bedside manner I have no interest in.
Blanche goes to her room.
Dorothy: We definitely need a second opinion.
Rose: I wouldn’t go to bed with him either, Dorothy.
Rose leaves the living room.
Dorothy: Ma, I am taking you to the hospital.
Dorothy: Why not? Are you trying to tell me that possibly there is nothing wrong with you?
Sophia: No, uh, I feel better just lying here. The ride in the car could only make me feel worse.
Stanley: Yeah, she’s right Dorothy. Sometimes just lying motionless is the best thing a person can do.
Dorothy: That didn’t sound right when you said it on our honeymoon, and it doesn’t sound right now.
Dorothy leaves. Stanley gives Sophia a thumbs-up. Sophia winks back at him.
The next day, Sophia is sitting in front of the television watching a baseball game.
TV: A curve ball right up the middle. The shortstop should have had that one.
Sophia: Nice going! I can cover more ground than you in my wheelchair!
She hears a car door slam. Sophia turns off the TV, and rushes to her wheelchair. She quickly puts on a neck brace, and looks sullen. Dorothy enters the house.
Dorothy: How are you feeling, Ma?
Sophia: No improvement.
Dorothy: I’m sorry. By the way, you’re wearing your knee brace on your neck.
Dorothy enters the kitchen where Rose and Blanche are at.
Dorothy: I know Ma is faking. She is not really paralyzed.
Rose: It’s only natural for you to feel that way. At the counseling center we learn that the first reaction to catastrophe is denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not in denial.
Rose: Yes, you are. You’re just denying you’re in denial.
Dorothy: Rose, I am not denying that I am in denial.
Rose: If you’re not denying you’re in denial then you’re in denial.
Dorothy: Look, fluffhead! Why should I deny being in denial when I ever said I was in denial? You are the one who said I was in denial, and don’t you deny it!
Blanche: Listen, Dorothy. I think your mother’s faking it too, but what if she isn’t? Just try putting yourself in her position. Do you know how much it hurts to have someone you love not trust you?
Rose: I sure do.
Blanche: Rose, I was about to tell a story.
Rose: I wanna tell one.
Dorothy: Boy, this is a no-win situation, but go ahead, Blanche.
Rose: Fine. You may never get to hear my story.
Dorothy: Then I’m wrong. It isn’t a no-win situation.
Blanche: I was still n highs hcool at the time, and I was having an affair with a very handsome exchange student named Jean-Pierre Fontainbleau. I think he was French or something. He was always sneering, and he wore a beret.
Rose: We weren’t allowed to wear berets when I was in high school. It was against the St. Olaf dress code. They did let me wear a paper cap a lot. It was long and pointy, more a cone shape than a beret.
Blanche: Anyway, Jean-Pierre must have known about my reputation for playing the field, because right from the very beginning he was convinced I couldn’t be faithful. He would spy on me in my classes. He’d follow me home from school. Some nights he would even shimmy up the oak tree outside my bedroom door hoping to catch me in the act.
Rose: what act?
Dorothy: Second act of My Fair Lady, Rose.
Blanche: Finally, I had to tell Jean-Pierre I couldn’t take it anymore, and we broke up. I was completely crushed.
Dorothy: I guess you really liked him.
Blanche: No, I really liked the American boy he was rooming with, Bobby-Joe Nugent. We’d been having an affair for months in the one place Jean-Pierre never thought to look.
Rose: The Eiffel Tower.
Blanche: Actually, it was in the cutaway Oldsmobile that they kept in the Drivers Ed department at school. Oh lordy, the things I did in that car! He! It’s a good thing old St. Christopher had his back to me.
Dorothy: There’s no doubt about it. She’s faking.
Blanche: Nuh-uh, Dorothy. I didn’t learn to do that till I was married.
Dorothy: I meant Ma, Blanche. I’m gonna go prove it right now.
Dorothy walks out the kitchen, and into the living room.
Dorothy: Hiya, Ma. How are you doing? Oh, oh, oh, Ma, I feel dizzy. Oh, there’s a pain going up my arm! My chest! Ma!
Dorothy faints on the couch. The doorbell rings.
Sophia: Will you answer the door, Dorothy please?
Dorothy: Ma, it’s my heart! Run into the kitchen and get help!
Sophia: Who am I, Lassie? Next you’ll order me into a burning barn!
Sophia in her wheelchair makes her way to the door.
The doorbell rings once again.
Sophia: I’m coming! I’m coming!
Sophia opens the door.
Sophia: Stanley, my favorite ex-son-in-law. How was the trip to the attorney?
Stanley: We’ve gotta talk. What’s wrong with Dorothy?
Sophia: She’s faking a heart attack, I think.
Dorothy gets up from the couch.
Dorothy: Stanley, you’re not gonna get away with this. I know you’re just doing it for the settlement.
Stanley: What makes you think I’m not doing it out of love for Sophia?
Dorothy: Because you are a liar, a cheat and a scuzzball.
Dorothy goes to her room.
Stanley: Sure, dwell on the negative. Sophia, we’ve got a major problem. The insurance company won’t accept Dr. Jerry’s medical report.
Stanley: Ah, I don’t know. Something about his prison record. They insist you be examined by one of their physicians. This is a real bummer. We’ve gotten this far and suddenly it’s starting to all fall apart. It’s over.
Stanley begins to cry. Sophia checks if anyone is watching. She gets up from her wheelchair.
Sophia: Stanley. Stanley, don’t worry. I’m eighty-two years old. My bones are brittle. My muscles are atrophied. My circulation is worse than US News & World Report. There’s no physical they can give that Sophia Petrillo can’t fail.
Days later, Dorothy and Stanley bring Sophia to the insurance company’s chosen hospital. Dorothy holds the door for a man in crutches.
Dorothy: Ma, I’ll go tell the nurse you’re here.
A woman in her wheelchair goes over to Sophia.
Woman: That’s a lovely chair.
Sophia: Oh, thank you.
Woman: Oh, I’d give anything for an electric wheelchair. I just don’t have the strength to push this like I used to.
Sophia: Oh, that’s too bad. Look, if things go well, I’ll give you this chair in a couple of weeks.
Woman: Oh, I wish I had your positive attitude. The doctors told me it’d be a waste of time.
Sophia: Doctors! What do they know? They spend years in medical school, they still don’t know enough to warm their hands before they do a breast exam.
Woman: Unfortunately, they do know I’ll never walk again.
The woman rolls away.
Sophia: Stan, did you hear that?
Stanley: Yeah, terrible. You got any gum on you?
Sophia: Stan, these poor people. How can we take advantage of this situation?
Stanley: Sophia, we’ve come this far. Just think about the money. Think about it so hard that you block out everything else.
A boy in crutches enters the room assisted by a nurse.
Stanley: Especially him!
Stanley points at the boy.
Timmy: Hi, I’m Timmy. What’s your name?
Stanley: None of your business. Leave her alone.
Dorothy: Ma, the nurse wants to know if you’d mind if this little boy goes ahead of you.
Sophia: Oh, no problem.
Timmy: Oh, no. You need to see a doctor just as much as me. I’ll wait my turn.
Sophia: No, kid. It’s your turn.
Sophia takes off her neck brace.
Sophia: I don’t need to see a doctor.
Sophia gets up her wheelchair.
Sophia: You were right, Dorothy. I was faking!
Stanley: Sophia, I’m shocked! Dorothy, I had no idea.
Dorothy: Stanley, I used to think you were the scum of the earth. I have just downgraded my opinion!
Sophia addresses the injured patients at the lounge.
Sophia: What I did was wrong. I feel humiliated in the presence of you courageous people. I offer you my heartfelt sympathies.
Woman: Well, what do you say, everybody? Shall we forgive her?
The injured patients take off their casts and braces, and stands up. Sophia’s jaw drops.
Dorothy: Ma, Stanley. I’d like you to meet some of the actors from the community theater. They’ll be performing Cats next month.
Sophia: And the kid, is he an actor too?
Woman: Yes, maybe you’ve seen him in the Burger City commercial.
Sophia turns to the kid.
Sophia: Are you the little boy who jumps for joy when you get two burgers for the price of one?
The boy nods.
Sophia: You stunk! Come on! Let’s go home!
Later, Dorothy is beside Sophia who is knitting.
Dorothy: Are you gonna talk to me again?
Sophia: It was a mean, dirty, underhanded trick.
Dorothy: I had no choice. It was like The Exorcist. I was battling Stan for your soul.
Rose in her Cats costume comes out of the kitchen.
Rose: Well, I’m off to rehearsal. It’s such a nice day. I think I’ll walk.
Dorothy: Like that?!
Rose: No, I’ll probably take longer strides when I get to the sidewalk. Bye.
Dorothy: I meant, I meant her costume. People are gonna think she’s nuts.
Sophia: They think she’s nuts anyway. This’ll confirm it.
A dog barks.
Rose: Help! Help! Let me in!
Rose bangs on the door. Dorothy rushes to the door.
Rose: Help! Help!
Rose runs inside, and screams. The dog Dreyfuss runs after her.
Sophia: Rose is in big trouble. That’s Dreyfuss. It took two guys to pry him off the Steinbergs’ plastic flamingos.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of ”Bang the Drum Stanley”. This Golden Girls episode was written by Robert Bruce & Martin Weiss. Golden Girls is owned by Witt Thomas Harris Productions, Touchstone Pictures and Television, and NBC.
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