Rose Nylund, Dorothy Zbornak and Sophia Petrillo are in the lanai playing cards.
Rose: I’ll open for a quarter.
Dorothy: I’m in.
Sophia: I’ll see your quarter and I’ll raise you a quarter. By the way, Rose, your shoe is untied.
Rose: I’m too smart for you, Sophia. You’re not gonna distract me this time. Besides, I’m wearing pumps.
Sophia: Your pump is untied.
Rose looks down.
Rose: Oh, thanks.
Rose looks up defeated.
Sophia: Look! Mr. Feinbaum’s totally naked in his bedroom window!
Both Rose and Dorothy look at the window, while Sophia peeks at Rose’s cards. Dorothy catches her.
Dorothy: That is the third time we caught you cheating. Ma, you’re out of the game.
Dorothy takes away Sophia’s cards.
Sophia: Hey, give me a break! When you’re eighty, you’re allowed to cheat just like you’re allowed to take money out of your daughter’s purse.
Dorothy looks at her with shock.
Sophia: Oops! Uh…was that the phone? Don’t trouble yourselves. I’ll get it.
Sophia runs to the living room.
Rose: How did you know your mother was cheating?
Dorothy: Ugh, because Mr. Feinbaum never walks around totally naked. He always wears a boy’s scout neckerchief, but never in the same place twice, which is why there’s no Mrs. Feinbaum. Deal.
A loud jet engine is heard passing fast above the lanai followed by lights. Dorothy and Rose look up.
Rose: Did you see that, Dorothy? It was a UFO!
Dorothy: Rose, don’t be ridiculous. It was a plane. Deal. Come on.
Rose: Planes don’t fly over residential neighborhoods.
Dorothy: Neither do UFOs. They only fly over empty fields in Kentucky where fat guys in overalls named Cooley have just run out of gas.
Rose: I think we ought to call the authorities.
Dorothy: Rose, there is no such thing as a UFO.
Rose: They were probably looking for someone to bring up to the ship.
Dorothy: Fine, then you stay out here, flag them down if they fly by again.
Dorothy makes her way to the living room.
Dorothy: I’ll go inside, and pack a bag.
Rose: But I wanna be the one to go.
Dorothy: Whose bag do you think I’m gonna pack?
Dorothy enters the living room where Sophia is knitting, and Blance is browsing through a yearbook, while eating chocolate chip cookies. Blanche Devereaux chuckles. Dorothy sits besides her. Blanche continues to laugh, and makes a singsong sound.
Dorothy: Blanche, are you in a good mood?
Blanche: Dorothy, you always could see right through me.
Sophia: Keep it up with those Chips Ahoy, and Superman couldn’t see right through you.
Blanche: I just got off the phone with Ham Lushbough who happens to be the most charming, most intelligent, most gorgeous, most sexy man on the face of this entire planet. We went to college together. Look.
Blanche shows Dorothy a page in the yearbook.
Blanche: There’s his picture.
Dorothy: Wow! He sure is handsome.
Dorothy: What did he have to say?
Blanche: Oh, that he is in town on business, and that he is single again, and that he’d love to be my date for the museum ball Saturday night.
Dorothy: The museum ball? Didn’t Roger Clark postpone his kidney transplant so he could be your date?
Blanche: What’s your point?
Dorothy: Sorry to interrupt. Go on.
Blanche: Well Dorothy, you have no idea how my sister Virginia and I used to chase after this boy. Well, everybody did. He had it all…football star, champion debater, class valedictorian.
Dorothy: How long did he and you date?
Blanche: Well, we didn’t. But it wasn’t because I didn’t try. Oh, I can still remember the night of the big rally before the homecoming game. Oh, there stood Ham just handsome as ever. I walked over to him and asked him the one question that had been burning on my tongue for the last four years, “Ham, think you might like a little company tonight?”. You know what he said?
Dorothy shakes her head.
Blanche: “Maybe some other time, Blanche.” Can you believe that? “Maybe some other time”.
Blanche is all worked up, and she gets up from the couch.
Dorothy: Blanche, that doesn’t seem so mean.
Blanche: He had the band spell it out on the field. And Dorothy to this day Ham Lushbough remains the one man in my entire life I could not conquer. The one! But come Saturday night, I have a feeling my record’s gonna be intact again. Ow!
Blanche Devereaux makes her way to her bedroom.
Sophia: I wouldn’t be so sure if I were Blanche. Sometimes these things aren’t meant to be, like me and Fabrizio Ribeno. We were on the verge of a passionate love affair when destiny intervened.
Dorothy: Don’t tell me. His wife, Destiny Ribeno?
Sophia: Right. Boy, did she have a temper. She dragged him away by the hair on his back, smashed his skull with a ravioli crank, and threw his limp body in the river. That’s a Sicily you don’t see on postcards.
Rose Nylund is at the lanai flashing the flashlight on to a silver pie pan. Dorothy Zbornack sees her.
Dorothy: Rose, what are you doing?
Rose: I’m trying to lure that UFO back with a flashlight, and a pie pan. I read an article once in the St. Olaf Time that said this is the best way to do it.
Dorothy: What’s the St. Olaf Time?
Rose: Well, it’s seven fifteen here. You subtract an hour…
Dorothy: Forget it! Forget it.
Dorothy sits beside her.
Dorothy: Now, look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose. What we saw was not a UFO.
Rose: Well, it wasn’t a plane. Planes aren’t that thin or that bright.
Dorothy: Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn’t make her a flying saucer.
Rose: The point is nobody knows what we saw. You don’t. I don’t. Not even Major Barker does.
Dorothy: Major Barker?
Rose: That’s the man I spoke to today down at the military base. I told him what we saw, and he said that they’d check into it.
Dorothy: Now, Rose. How could you do that? Don’t you know what’s going to happen? This is going to end up in all the tabloids. I can see it now, right next to Woman Give Birth to Doc Severinsen look-alike. Dorothy Zbornak Meets Spacemen. Oh.
Rose: What?! Why do you get all the credit?
Blanche comes running to the lanai.
Blanche: Girls, look.
Blanche arrives at the lanai wearing a long black off-shoulder dress with long sleeves. It has white trim that cuts in front, and is held by a flower.
Blanche: How do I look?
Rose: Great, Blanche.
Blanche: Great? Or gorgeous?
Blanche: What about sexy?
Dorothy turns to Rose.
Dorothy: I’ll handle this. Blanche, no woman ever looked better than you look right now, and no one ever will.
Blanche: Thank you, Dorothy. Honestly, Rose, sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to get a little compliment out of you.
The doorbell rings.
Blanche: There’s the bell. That must be Ham at the door. Come on! Come on!
Dorothy and Rose follow Blanche. The bell rings once again. Sophia makes her way to the door.
Blanche: Sophia, wait! Wait! Wait a minute.
Blanche runs to the living room.
Dorothy: Blanche, will you calm down? I have never seen you so worked up over one date.
Blanche: Dorothy, I let this man slip though my fingers once before. I don’t intend to let it happen again.
Blanche looks at his compact one last time, and she signals Sophia to open the door. Sophia opens the door. A balding, heavy-set man enters. Blanche is in shock.
Sophia: He couldn’t slip through your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.
Blanche: Oh my God!
Blanche: Ham? Ham Lushbough, just look at you.
Sophia: What else can we look at? The man’s covering half the pictures on our wall.
Dorothy gives her mom a glaring look.
Ham: I don’t blame you for looking surprised, Blanche. There’s a little more of me than there used to be.
Blanche: Well, maybe a little here, a little there.
Dorothy: Ham, I’m Dorothy. How do you do?
Ham: How do you do?
Dorothy: This is my mother, Sophia. That’s Rose.
Ham: How do you do?
Rose: So, what exactly is Ham short for, Ham?
Sophia: My guess would be ham and potatoes.
Blanche: Well, we’d better be running along. We don’t want to be late.
Dorothy: I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful, wonderful evening.
Ham: It was very nice meeting all of you.
Rose: Same here. I hope we get to see more of you.
Dorothy puts a hand on Sophia’s mouth, and turns to her mother.
Dorothy: Don’t even bother.
Dorothy waves goodbye. Ham and Blanche leave.
Rose: Boy, he sure looks different from his picture.
Dorothy: You know, sometimes people can lose their looks.
Sophia: Not in Sicily. In Sicily, if you’re born beautiful, you stay beautiful.
Sophia gets up from her chair.
Sophia: The whole town sees to it. They check up on you. They encourage you. They never let you slip. That’s why we were so happy when Dorothy was born.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma.
Dorothy affectionately holds her mother’s hand.
Sophia: Who needed all those people bothering us all the time?
Sophia makes her way to her room. Rose gets up from her chair.
Rose: I’m going back outside, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Fine, Rose.
The doorbell rings. Dorothy gets up to answer it. Dorothy opens the door to find a man in uniform.
Man in Uniform: Is Rose Nylund in?
Dorothy: Oh yes, please come in. Please come in.
The man in uniform takes off his cap, and enters.
Dorothy: You must be the man that Rose spoke to, Major Barker?
Major Barker: That’s correct.
Dorothy: Please, sit down. Listen, um, before I get Rose, let me assure you, she is the only one here who thinks she saw a UFO.
Dorothy makes her way to the lanai.
Major Barker: I understand completely, Ms. Zbornak. By the way, is that Miss Zbornak or Misses? I’m hoping it’s Miss.
Dorothy: Oh, yes.
Dorothy turns her back, and seductively walks over to Major Barker. She sits beside him on the couch.
Dorothy: As a matter of fact, it is.
Major Barker: Good. I’ve already got that box checked on this form.
Major Barker pulls out a pen from his jacket pocket, and reviews the file in front of him.
Major Barker: Now, in this case, we’ve done most of the research at the base so I just have a couple of routine questions to follow up. Question number one, was the object you saw more triangular or cylindrical?
Dorothy: No, triangular.
Major Barker: Was it blue in color?
Major Barker: Did it leave a faint trail of yellow exhaust?
Dorothy: Yes, it did.
Major Barker: Very good.
Major Barker closes the file, and places it inside his portfolio.
Major Barker: Ms. Zbornak there’s a perfectly simple explanation for what you saw.
Dorothy: Well, I always knew there would be.
Major Barker: What you and Rose Nylund saw was a UFO.
Dorothy stops chuckling, and swallows in disbelief. Later that night, Blanche and Ham arrive home laughing.
Blanche: Oh, Ham, you always did know how to make me laugh.
Ham: It’s nice to know I haven’t lost it.
Ham runs his hand over his balding head.
Ham: All of it.
Blanche: Oh now, don’t you talk like that. You haven’t lost a thing. Why the way you can tell a story, the way you twirled me around that dance floor, you’d think it was 30 years ago.
Ham looks at his wristwatch.
Ham: Oh gosh, look at the time. I’d better go.
Blanche: Oh, baloney!
Blance Devereaux grabs hold Ham’s arm.
Blanche: It’s late now. In ten minutes, it’ll still be late.
Blanche pulls Ham inside the living room, and closes the door.
Blanche: You just sit yourself down right there. Go on.
Ham Lushbough takes a seat on the couch.
Blanche sits right beside him.
Ham: I had a nice time tonight, Blanche.
Blanche: You know, I did too.
Ham: And I wasn’t sure I would, if you want the truth.
Ham: Well, this may sound funny, but uh, I kept thinking here I am, you know, so bald and so heavy, what if I show up and Blanche looks just as pretty as she did thirty years ago.
Blanche: But I don’t.
Ham: No, you don’t.
Blanche looks surprised and insulted.
Ham: You look prettier.
Ham: No, I mean it! I mean it! The face and the figure, and that smile. Oh, it’s all gotten better. Unless it’s just my age making me want to see those things.
Ham: I’m glad I looked you up, Blanche. I haven’t had this much fun in a long time.
Blanche Devereaux leans close to Ham Lushbough.
Ham: Well, I guess I’d better be getting back to the hotel.
Ham gets up.
Blanche: Oh, honey, are you sure you have to?
Ham: Blanche, are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?
Blanche: Think you might like some company tonight?
Ham: Maybe some other time, Blanche.
Ham Lushbough leaves.
The next night, Dorothy Zbornak is out on the lanai looking through her binoculars when Rose Nylund arrives.
Rose: What are you doing, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Oh, looking at the stars. Pondering the universe.
Rose: I’ve been doing the same thing. Thinking how wonderful it would be if there really were aliens. Maybe it’d be just like Cocoon, and they’d take us away, and we’d never grow old.
Dorothy: See, I don’t know. I like my life. I mean, I’m not president or anything. I’m just a teacher, a substitute teacher, a divorced substitute teacher who can’t even afford her own place to live. Beam me up!!!
Rose: Beam me up?! Dorothy, you believe?
Dorothy: Rose, they checked out what we saw, and it actually was a UFO.
Dorothy Zbornak returns to the living room. Rose Nylund runs to her.
Rose: Dorothy, where are you going? We might miss the aliens.
Dorothy: That would be fine with me.
Dorothy goes to the kitchen. Rose follows her.
Rose: Dorothy, why are you talking that way? I think it’s wonderful that there are other beings out there trying to meet us. They might have solutions to all our problems, cures for our diseases, new story lines for Alf.
Dorothy: They might also have tentacles on their legs so that they can suck all the blood out of our heads! I’m sorry, Rose. I’m sorry. Part of me is very excited, but part of me is petrified. I cannot relax with this. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to because Major Barker does not want us to say a word about this to anyone until we hear from him again. Not a word. Is that understood?
Blanche Devereaux enters the kitchen.
Blanche: I thought I heard voices in here. What you girls doing?
Rose: Oh, nothing. We’re just sitting talking. Not talking about anything special. The subject of aliens never came up.
Dorothy sarcastically gives Rose an ok signal.
Blanche: Well, I can give you something to talk about…my date tonight, which turned out to be the most humiliating evening I’ve ever spent in my entire life.
Sophia Petrillo arrives.
Sophia: So, what are we talking about?
Rose: Blanche’s date.
Blanche: He turned me down, again. I’m just devastated.
Dorothy: Come on. Now, Blanche, you said yourself you didn’t find him that attractive anymore.
Blanche: That’s not the point, Dorothy. The point is to Blanche Devereaux, sexuality and attractiveness are two very important things. They are Blanche Devereaux. It just tortures me to know that there’s one man out there, one on the face of God’s green earth that I cannot have. Especially if he’s fat and bald!
Rose: Blanche, forget about it.
Blanche: I can’t forget about it. There’s only one thing for me to do.
Blanche stands up.
Blanche: I’m going to call him up, and tomorrow night I’m going out with that man again, and I don’t care what amount of seducing it takes, but as God as my witness, I am not returning to this house until he has begged, beseeched and pleaded with me to go to bed with him.
Blanche walks out of the kitchen.
Sophia: You know that was the original ending to Gone with the Wind.
The next night, Blanche and Ham are having dinner at a restaurant.
Ham: Oh, that was a terrific meal, Blanche. Thanks again.
Blanche: Well, you’re welcome, Ham. I just figured you deserved it before going back to that high-tension, dog-eat-dog pressure pit you work in.
Ham: Blanche, I run a miniature golf course.
The waiter arrives.
Waiter: Your champagne, Ms. Devereaux.
Blanche: Oh, thank you, Walter. You will forgive me if this champagne has a little effect on me, Ham. Sometimes just having it setting on the table sets my heart to racing. Oh, feel!
Ham puts his hand on Blanche’s chest near the clavicle.
Blanche pulls his hand lower.
Blanche: No, it’s like there’s some kind of wild animal energy in there.
The waiter who is straining to open the champagne appears to be turned on.
Blanche: Just pounding, pounding, burning, yearning and lusting just crying out to be released.
The waiter pops the cork.
Blanche: I’ve never said this to another man, Ham, but…
The waiter pours the champagne, while Blanche pulls Ham close to her.
Blanche: I feel a heat between us, kind of flame crackling and hissing. I want you to put that flame out, Ham. I want you to pluck me like a fruit, and wash me off in your kisses, and sink your teeth into my ripe, juicy flesh.
The waiter can’t stand it anymore, and drinks the champagne he just poured. The waiter walks away.
Blanche: Let me make you happy, Ham. All I need to know is that you want me as much as I want you.
Ham: Maybe some other time, Blanche.
Ham pulls away. Blanche gets up her chair.
Blanche: That does it. I will not make you humiliate me any longer. You may not want me, Ham Lushbough, but I can promise you somewhere on this planet I will damn sure find some man who does!
Blanche throws her table napkin at Ham, and walks away. The men in the restaurant, the waiter, cook, and even a man on his date follow Blanche, but Ham remains glued to his seat.
Later, Blanche arrives home.
Blanche: Hi, girls.
Dorothy: How’d it go, Blanche?
Blanche: Oh, perfectly. When Blanche Devereaux sets out to seduce a man, she doesn’t drag her feet.
The doorbell rings. Blanche answers the door.
Blanche is surprised, and tries to keep him from entering.
Blanche: Well, Ham Lushbough, you sex hungry devil!
Blanche tries to see Dorothy and Sophia’s reaction.
Blanche: Now, I told you, no more. Go home, and take a cold shower.
Ham: No, Blanche. Not until you know the reason why I keep telling you that I can’t sleep with you.
Dorothy: Uh Ma.
Dorothy gets up the couch.
Dorothy: Listen. Maybe watching some TV in another room might be a good idea.
Sophia: Fine, Dorothy, but keep the volume down.
Blanche: It’s all right, Dorothy. It’s already out in the open anyway. Come on in. Say your peace.
Ham: Well, the reason is we’ve been getting along so well as friends lately that I didn’t want us to have another night like that night we had in college.
Blanche: In college? What are you talking about?
Ham: That night, the spring jamboree out at Grady’s Motor Lodge?
Blanche: Grady’s Motor Lodge? I never went to Grady’s with you.
Ham: Sure you did. I’ll never forget it. I mean, you had your hair in braids. You wore a pink bathrobe.
Blanche: Pink? With a little lace trim?
Blanche: And matching slippers?
Blanche: Ham! That wasn’t me. That was my sister Virginia!
Ham: You’re kidding. That was Virginia? How could I forget that? That was the worst night I’ve ever spent in bed with a woman in my life!
Blanche: Wait a minute, Ham. Are you saying the only reason you’ve kept turning me down is because of the bad time you had that night?
Ham: Oh well, Blanche, this changes everything. Does all that stuff you said in the restaurant still go?
Blanche: I don’t think so Ham.
Blanche walks over to the door, and opens it.
Blanche: The moment has passed. We could never recapture it.
Ham: Blanche that was just twenty minutes ago.
Blanche: I’m sorry Ham, but you were just a plaything in my game of sexual conquest. I was gonna use you.
Ham: Use me. Use me.
Blanche: Goodbye, Ham. If you leave now, we can still have our memories.
Blanche shows him the way out. Ham walks out the door.
Ham: I’ll trade all my memories for a quickie.
Blanche: Beat it, tubbo.
Blanche closes the door, and finds Sophia and Dorothy looking at her.
Blanche: Oh, I wonder what would happen if somebody called up my sister Virginia, and told her this terribly embarrassing story. I guess there’s only one way to find out.
Blanche laughs, and runs to her room.
Dorothy: Well, I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed. Are you coming, Ma?
Sophia: In a minute, I gotta finish this article. I love these military guys. First, they fly this top secret bomber jet way off course next they start denying it ever happened like nobody ever saw it flying over downtown Miami.
Dorothy reads the article then goes to the lanai. Rose is at the lanai looking through her binoculars.
Rose: Hi, Dorothy.
Dorothy: Rose, there’s something we have to talk about. There was an article in today’s paper.
Rose: The one about the UFO being a secret bomber/
Dorothy: I’m sorry, Rose.
Rose: Sorry for what? Just because that one bomber wasn’t a UFO doesn’t mean we should stop watching for others. Does it?
Dorothy nods her head.
Rose: Oh. Well, I guess there isn’t much point in sitting out here anymore, is there?
Dorothy: Oh, I don’t know, Rose. It’s such a nice night. Let’s stay awhile.
Rose and Dorothy sit on the lounge chairs.
Rose: You know something, Dorothy? You don’t have to tell me this if you don’t want to, but underneath it all you believe in them, don’t you? You did from the very beginning. Oh, I’m glad. It’s more fun. It’s like with Santa Claus. The best Christmas we ever had was when all eight of my brothers and sisters, from Lily to Michael, all still believed.
Rose clicks her tongue.
Rose: That must be ten years ago now.
Dorothy is fast asleep on the lounge chair when a jet flies past them lighting up the lanai.
Rose: Dorothy! Dorothy?
Rose looks at Dorothy and finds her sleeping. Rose looks up in the sky, and ponders at what she saw. A smile creeps up her face.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of ”The One That Got Away”. This Golden Girls episode was written by Christopher Lloyd. Golden Girls is owned by Witt Thomas Harris Productions, Touchstone Pictures and Television, and NBC.
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