Frasier Crane is at the radio station.
Frasier: We’ll be right back with Julia Wilcox, and our new stock market update after this.
Kenny enters the booth.
Kenny: That’s it? That’s your big introduction for Julia? What happened to the copy I wrote for you?
Frasier: Hey, come on. Julia does not rhyme with moolah.
Kenny: They’re spelled the same.
Frasier: Oh, they are not. Stop it. Isn’t it enough that she’s getting ten minutes of my show?
Roz Doyle arrives.
Kenny: Hey, hey, we’re lucky to have her. Don’t be surprised if she ends up boosting your ratings a notch.
Frasier: Yes, but at what cost? The woman’s credibility is questionable.
Kenny: She’s credible. The woman was on CNBC. She had a syndicated column. You can’t hold one mistake against her.
Roz: What she do?
Frasier: She wrote a book called “Day Trade Your Way Out of Debt”. Apparently, some people lost money.
Kenny: I don’t see you writing any books.
Kenny: Now, listen. She’s a little sensitive. So, I don’t want to hear anyone talking about the book, how it ruined her career.
Julia arrives without Kenny noticing.
Kenny: That guy who killed himself in Pennsylva…
Kenny turns around.
Kenny: He-he-hey! There she is! Our financial wizard. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
Julia Wilcox shakes Frasier Crane’s hand.
Kenny: And his producer Roz Doyle.
Julia shakes Roz Doyle’s hand.
Julia: Nice to meet you. So, this is my mic.
Frasier: Yes, yes. Yeah.
Roz: You know I studied finance in college.
Julia: Hey, that’s great. Do you think you could get me some coffee, Rizzo?
Roz: It’s Roz.
Julia: Super. Two creams. Thanks.
Kenny gestures for Roz to get Julia coffee. Roz rushes out of the booth.
Kenny: So um, do your intro, go to a promo then back to you. Got it? Intro, promo, you.
Julia: Ha! So you don’t want me to do the intro last?
Kenny: Uh no, because you see, intro’s short f…haha! Oh, I get it. Very good. You got one past me. Enjoy it. It’s not going to happen again.
Julia: And these would be my phones.
Frasier: Yes, yes, of course. Uh, I must say that I—I enjoyed your work on CNBC. I thought you were an insightful analyst, and I don’t believe that you were treated fairly.
Julia: Oh, thanks. That makes everything all better.
Roz arrives with Julia’s coffee.
Roz: Ten seconds.
Roz hands Julia her coffee. She drinks it, and almost spits it out.
Julia: Mmm. You call this coffee?
Roz: Most of it.
Roz walks away. Frasier nervously laughs.
Frasier: Roz. Let me have this.
Frasier takes the coffee mug from Julia.
Frasier: Put that over there.
Frasier presses a button and the show is back on air.
Frasier: Hello, Seattle. Welcome back. If you’ve tuned in for mental health advice with an erudite twist well, then, my show will be back up at the top of the hour. But now, for something new yet germane as finances can be the cause of that old bugaboo stress. Here now…
Julia Wilcox cuts Frasier Crane.
Julia: Good afternoon, I’m Julia Wilcox.
Frasier Crane glares at Julia.
Julia: Today’s market swerved like a nervous student driver before finally winding up in a nice safe neutral.
Julia just looks at him as if nothing happened.
Julia: We’ll discuss, plus are pharmaceutical stocks still worth prescribing? Now this.
Julia cuts to commercial.
Frasier: Excuse me. Uh, I was supposed to introduce you.
Julia: You were cutting into my time.
Frasier: Well, I was giving you a hospitable segue. You see, I though that since you’re new here I could lend you my equity, if you will. It was just a courtesy…
Julia goes back in air.
Julia: Some days on the market it’s black Friday, but with the Nasdaq slightly down, and the Dow slightly up, it was more like a plaid Monday.
Frasier Crane walks out of the booth, while Julia continues her segment.
Julia: Analysts spoke out of both sides of their grounds boosting…
Frasier turns to Roz.
Frasier: Next time I’ll get the coffee.
Later, Kenny joins Roz at Café Nervosa.
Kenny: Hey Roz, what you reading?
Roz: Julia’s book. Listen to this. Chapter Four, How to Sell Your House and Start a Dot Com.
Frasier: Hey, guys. Oh, Roz, I can’t believe you shelled out three dollars to revel in someone else’s misfortune.
Roz: I was curious.
Frasier: Well, you can get the same thing on tape for a buck fifty. Get this! It’s read by Martha Stewart. How’s that for your double whammy?
The three laugh.
Roz: We should just get rid of her. I mean, if she were nice it’d be one thing, but she’s just rude and arrogant.
Kenny: Whoa, whoa. Nobody’s getting rid of anybody. She just filed suit against CNBC for wrongful termination. Legal wants us to treat her with kid gloves.
Frasier: Hmm. Truth be told. I actually feel sorry for her. She has suffered a very public fall. She must be carrying all kinds of guilt about the people who lost their savings following her advice. You know perhaps I should have a talk with her.
Roz: I wondered how long it would take.
Roz: For you to make your move.
Kenny: I thought there were some sparks between you two.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Roz: Don’t play innocent. She is right up your alley. Smart, tough. Total bitch. You can’t wait to break through that wall and rescue her.
Frasier: Oh Roz, you couldn’t be more off the mark.
Roz: Typical man. You always want to get in there and rescue us, but the minute things get messy, you just can’t handle it.
Kenny: Ha! Women want to make us think that they’re tough, and all of a sudden they get needy.
Roz: Men are like…
Roz imitates a cocky man.
Roz: “Come on, baby, you can lean on me. Oops! Got to go.”
Kenny: Yeah, women are like…
Kenny imitates a needy woman.
Kenny: “Get away, get away. Don’t leave me.”
Roz: Here’s men…
Roz groans like a drunk.
Kenny: Here’s women. “Me! Me! Me! Me!”
Roz continues to groan, and Kenny continues to imitate a self-centered, needy woman.
Frasier: All right, stop it, both of you!
Roz and Kenny stop. Niles arrives.
Niles: Hello, all.
All: Oh, hello, Niles.
Niles Crane takes a seat.
Niles: How’s it going?
Frasier: We’re just discussing a new rather unpleasant colleague of ours. Be thankful that you’re self-employed. You don’t have to deal with these headaches.
Niles: Oh, not so. I was hoping to come here and complain about my office remodel. I’m annexing the dermatologist’s office next door, and in a cheap irony, my skin is breaking out.
Frasier: Your spackle allergy again?
Niles: I’m covered with tiny bumps. It’s worse than the summer we added the breakfast nook to the tree house.
Niles turns around to the waiter behind him.
Niles: Could I have my usual?
The waiter nods. Julia Wilcox arrives at Café Nervosa.
Roz: There she is. Don’t come over. Don’t come over. Don’t come over.
Julia grabs a seat from an unoccupied table.
Roz: Oh, look who’s too good for us.
Frasier: You know what? I think I will go offer her an olive branch.
Roz resumes imitating a groaning intoxicated man, while Kenny does his needy woman imitation.
Frasier: Oh, knock it off!
Frasier Crane makes his way to Julia Wilcox’ table.
Frasier: Hello, Julia.
Frasier: Listen, I uh.
Frasier takes a seat.
Frasier: I’m sorry that the two of us got off to a bit of a frosty start, but I think that in time we will have a very long, and rewarding relationship.
Julia resumes writing.
Frasier: May I tell you a story?
Frasier: Years ago, I lived in Boston. I was in private practice then, and life was very good. And then my wife left me. I ended up on a ledge, threatening to throw myself off if she didn’t return to me.
The waiter brings Julia her coffee.
Julia: Thank you.
Frasier: Well. This got on the news, of course. Needless to say, after that patients were a little hard to come by. So, just wanted you to know that I, too, have suffered a very public setback.
Julia: Oh, I get it. You’re letting me know I’m not alone.
Julia: And now we can be friends.
Frasier: Well, if that’s how you feel.
Julia: Let’s see, how do I feel? Well, it’s sort of like on your show when you call people at home to give them advice.
Frasier: Well actually, I don’t call them. They call me.
Julia sips her coffee, and Frasier just smiles.
Frasier: Well. Good day, then.
Marty and Daphne are having dinner at Frasier’s apartment.
Marty: Why would you let Niles bring all his patients to your home?
Daphne: It’s only a couple more weeks until his office is finished.
Marty: Well, I sure wouldn’t want to have all those crazies over. I mean, what if one of them starts screaming obscenities or running through the house naked?
Daphne: Mum already did that when England lost in the World Cup.
Frasier and Niles Crane arrive.
Daphne: Hello! How was the wine expo?
Niles: Frasier ran into a fan.
Marty: Oh, that’s smarts.
Niles: Yes, Dad.
Frasier: You have been using that same old joke for the last ten years. So anyway, I ran into this fan.
Marty: Ouch! Are you okay?
Frasier: So this woman complimented me on my so-called with that harpy Julia.
Frasier uncorks a bottle of wine.
Frasier: Have you ever heard anything more preposterous? Good lord, the woman sneezed once and I said, “Bless you”. That has been the extent of our byplay.
Roz: You’ve been complaining about her so much lately I’m beginning to wonder if there’s not something deeper there.
Frasier: I will not even dignify that with a response. Except to say, you couldn’t be more wrong.
Niles: I don’t know, Frasier. She’s certainly attractive, and she’s intelligent, ambitious, tenacious…
Daphne: Sounds like your perfect woman.
Frasier: She is a cold, insufferable know-it-all.
Daphne: And the list goes on-and-on.
Frasier: All right, that’s it. No more talking about Julia.
Daphne: Oh, so it’s Julia now.
Niles and Marty: Oh…
Frasier: It has always been, Julia. That is her name.
Niles: She does seem to have you disproportionately upset. You haven’t been so consumed with one subject since Frasier Crane day.
Frasier: Listen my outrage is completely merited. That woman is deliberately trying to undermine my show from within. I am sorry to disappoint all of you, but I have absolutely no feelings for that woman except for contempt.
Marty: There he goes again. You know what they say about people who protest too much?
Frasier: I now what you used to say. They should all be tear-gassed.
Marty: I still think that, you know.
At the office, Frasier Crane enters the lounge, and finds Julia Wilcox.
Frasier: Ah, here you are. Listen. It’s time the two of us had it out.
Frasier Crane takes a seat at the table where Julia is.
Frasier; Ever since you arrived here, you have been nothing but condescending, and dismissive.
Frasier: There. You did it again.
Julia: You know what this is really about? It’s about you losing fifteen minutes from your precious show.
Frasier: What are you talking about? It’s ten minutes.
Julia: Sorry, starting Monday, I do the last fifteen minutes of your show with a half-hour recap on Fridays. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have places to be.
Frasier: No! I will not excuse you. I am reaching out to you here.
Julia: Yeah, will you cut that out? It’s like you’re trying to make me your special project. Why don’t you just adopt a cat or something?
Frasier: As your colleague, I do not deserve to be treated this way.
Julia Wilcox gets up her chair.
Julia: Oh no, we are hardly colleagues. I deliver the news, and you’re a Magic Eight Ball with a Harvard degree.
Frasier gasps. Julia makes her way to the door. Frasier follows her.
Frasier: I will not be belittled by a half-educated, money-grubbing parvenu!
Julia: As opposed to some foreign-speaking windbag?!
Kenny watches them through the door’s glass window.
Frasier: That makes you an insecure fraud!
Julia: You are a pompous blowhard!
Frasier grabs Julia.
Frasier: Are you as turned on as I am?
Julia: What? No!
Julia pushes Frasier away.
Julia: Ugh! Did you just come on to me?
Frasier: What? No, no, I thought…I thought that…I..I…
Julia: How could you think I was turned on? What are you sick?
Kenny enters the lounge.
Kenny: Hey, hey, hey, hey, let’s all, let’s all calm down here.
Julia furiously walks out the door. Kenny turns to Frasier.
Kenny: Are you crazy?!
Frasier: No, I apologize! I…I…
Julia turns around just before she walks out the door, and feigns throwing up.
Days later at the radio station, colleagues gather at the corridor.
Frasier: Hi, guys.
Noel: Oh hey, Dr. Crane, how…
Gil slaps Noel at the back. The employees except for Kenny all ignore Frasier and walk away.
Frasier: They hate me, don’t they?
Kenny: Can you blame them? Because of you, they had to come in here for the sexual harassment seminar.
Frasier: But I have apologized ‘til I’m blue in the face.
Kenny: I know, but legal wants us covered in case Julia tries to come after us. Maybe you’ve heard, she loves suing people’s asses off. I’m gonna to miss saying asses. After today, I guess it’s back to patootie. Thanks a lot, Doc.
Kenny followed by Frasier arrives at the harassment seminar.
Facilitator: Hi, welcome. Please take a workbook.
Frasier hesitantly takes a workbook, and sits beside Roz.
Roz: Hey, Frasier. Thanks for ruining my weekend.
Frasier; Oh, Roz. You know it was just a mistake. What do you think I am? Some sort of disgusting Lothario?
Bulldog: Hey! There’s my man!
Bulldog points at Frasier Crane then snickers.
Facilitator: Welcome. Please take a workbook.
Bulldog pulls a workbook from his back pocket.
Bulldog: Got an old one.
Bulldog turns to Frasier.
Bulldog: Hey, I know you’re down. Don’t sweat it. Rookie mistake. By the way, the chick at the coffee table’s got her high beams on.
Julia Wilcox arrives, and takes a workbook. She glares at Frasier then sits beside Bulldog. He lustfully looks at her, but Julia just glares at him.
Kenny: Okay, people, let’s get this started. First of all, I apologize for bringing everyone in here today, but to make it up to you, everybody attending today will get a free mouse pad. How’s that?
Roz: It sucks.
Kenny: All right, who said that?
Roz: I did.
Kenny: Fair enough. Now, I don’t want to blame anyone.
Bulldog fakes a sneeze.
Kenny: But legal says that we have to do this. So here’s Van Andrews from Harassment Solutions.
Facilitator: I’m Van, I’ll be your facilitator, and if you could go ahead and just open up your workbooks, we’ll get started on building a truly gender-neutral workplace, okay? Now, who wants to meet my puppets?
Van pulls out from a box two puppets. Everybody groans. Gil who’s sitting behind Frasier calls Frasier’s attention. He pounds his left hand with his fist, and turns it as if crushing a bug.
THERE’S A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Niles Crane is having a session with his patient.
Steve: Wow, this is great! I like coming over to your house. It’s, it’s really nice.
Steve: So maybe you could come over to my house next week, since we’re doing stuff at each other’s houses now.
Niles: Uh, thanks for the offer, Steve, but this isn’t a social call. We’re having a regular session. I really want this to feel just like the office.
Steve: Okay. Um…well, I’ve been having my dream again. Uh…
There’s a knock on the door.
Niles: Uh, yes.
The handyman enters the room.
Handyman: Sorry to interrupt, Dr. Crane but I got to run these toilet fixtures past you. Your wife said you definitely want to be consulted about that.
Steve: I never pictured you having a bathroom!
Niles: Um, it isn’t a good time.
Daphne: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize your session had begun.
Daphne turns to the handyman.
Daphne: Why don’t you just wait in the living room?
Handyman: Ok, but so you know, the heated seat you want is on back order.
Daphne: Again, I’m sorry Niles, but while I have you here do you want anything from the shops?
Niles: No, I’m good.
Daphne: Ok then I’m off.
Daphne turns to Steve.
Daphne: Happy therapy.
Daphne Moon gives him a suspicious look then walks out the door, and closes it behind her. Niles Crane clears his throat.
Niles: So, back to your dream.
Steve: Your wife seems nice. She’s foreign. That’s weird, and then I guess it shouldn’t be. I mean, it would only make sense that you have a wife and a bathroom, and you probably have a bed and laundry, and that thing I can’t talk about.
Niles: Okay, well, we’re not really here to learn about my life. We’re here to talk about you, so…back to your dream.
Steve: Okay, um, well, I’m in this forest…
The phone rings.
Steve: Do you want me to get that or?
Niles: Nope, nope, it’s okay. The machine will get it. Uh, now, you remember as we discussed the forest could be, uh, a symbol of unchartered territory. Um could be…
The machine answers the call. A recorded message of Daphne and Niles singing to the tune of Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5 begins to play.
Daphne: Nobody’s home…
Niles: Nobody’s home…
Daphne: Nobody’s home
Niles: Nobody’s home
Daphne: Nobody’s home
Niles: Nobody’s home
Daphne: Nobody’s home
Niles: Nobody’s home
Daphne & Niles: We’ll call you back. If you leave your number, after you hear the…
The answering machine beeps. Niles Crane is mortified.
Niles: So, uh, next week at your place.
At the harassment seminar, the facilitator has Roz Doyle and Bulldog sit across each other in front of the other employees.
Van: Okay, Bulldog, in this exercise, we’re going to pretend that you have an attraction to Roz. Is that ok?
Bulldog: Well, Van, I feel a little uncomfortable about violating her personal space even for role-playing, but ok.
Van: Ok, Roz.
Roz: Bring it on.
Van: Okay. Go!
Bulldog: Good morning, Roz. You’re looking professional today.
Roz: Thank you, Bulldog. You’re looking professional today also.
Bulldog: Why, thank you. After work, would you care to join me for a coffee or non-stimulating beverage? Please note you retain the option to say no.
Van: Excellent, Bulldog. Roz?
Roz: Thank you, Bulldog for your offer, but I’m uncomfortable with it, as I would prefer to cut my own arm off and eat it.
Roz turns to Frasier, and gives him a snide look.
Noel: Can I have a turn with her?
Bulldog: No. Sorry, buddy.
Noel: She’s not your property! It’s up to Van! I want a turn!
Bulldog: Sit down, Noel.
Noel walks over to Bulldog.
Bulldog: Oh, oh, what are you going to do, huh?
Bulldog stands up, while Noel stretches his arm.
Bulldog: Oh, what are you going to do?
Van: Guys, guys, let’s keep our dialoguing constructive, okay? I think we’re done here. Why don’t you go ahead and have a seat, okay?
Noel, Bulldog and Roz return to their seats. Gil raises his hand.
Gil: Um, I’d like to say something.
Van: Okay, go ahead, Gil.
Gil slowly walks to the front.
Gil: From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for my wandering eye over the years. Those whom I mentally undressed and you know who you are…
Two employees at the back, a man and a woman, look at each other puzzled.
Gil: All I can say, and it’s a poor defense is that I was a product of the thoughtless machismo of my times.
Van: Thank you, Gil.
Gil: But know this, Gil isn’t about to stop loving the ladies.
Frasier and Roz look puzzled.
Van: Thank you, Gil. I think they like to be called women now.
Gil: Ha! Do they ever?!
Frasier’s jaw drops, while Gil returns to his seat.
Frasier: How much longer do we have to sit for this nonsense?!
Van: Well Frasier, since you’re the one who brought us here today maybe you’d like to take a turn in the warm seat, hmm?
Frasier stands up.
Van: Julia, would you be comfortable in helping Frasier learn how he could have related to you in a more office-appropriate manner?
Julia has her head down.
Van: Uh, Julia?
Noel stands up.
Noel: She’s playing solitaire on her palm pilot, Van.
Julia: Oh, all right.
Julia gives Noel a snide look, and takes a seat in front. Frasier sits across her.
Van: Okay in this no-fault rewind let’s find out how Frasier assaulted you.
Frasier: I did not assault her. I simply expressed unhappiness that she was taking 15 minutes from my show. She responded by belittling my profession.
Julia: And then he called me a couple of names and asked if I was turned on.
Van: Ok, gang. Where did Frasier go wrong?
Everybody raises their hands. Some even snapped their fingers to get the facilitator’s attention.
Van: Uh, Bulldog.
They all lower their hands to hear what Bulldog has to say.
Bulldog: People stopped saying turned-on twenty years ago.
They all raise their hands again.
Frasier: No, look, look! I just misread her…her signals! I…I thought that her hostility was displaced attraction.
Julia: No, it was just hostility.
Frasier: Well, of course it was. That’s all there is to you. Ever since you arrived at this station we have reached out to you in friendship, and all we’ve gotten in return is arrogance and unbridled rudeness!
Julia: It’s not rudeness. It’s indifference. I’m sorry I’m not joining your bowling team, but this is just a pit stop for me. I do not intend on spending the rest of my life at a station that cuts out whenever the janitor vacuums!
The other employees utter a sound of disapproval.
Julia: No offense!
Kenny: None taken.
Julia: And I don’t even know why we’re here. I’m not gonna sue your stupid station. I mean, how pathetic would that look?
Frasier gets up his seat.
Frasier: How dare you? At KACL, we are a family. Every person in this room respects one another.
Kenny: No, no, no. Hold on a second there, doc. I’ll handle this. You mentioned something about not suing us. Would you put that in writing?
Julia: If it gets us out of here.
Kenny: Sure, that would satisfy legal.
Everybody gives a sigh of relief and contentment. They all make their way to the door.
Van: Okay. Wait. Wait! This course isn’t about legal, okay? It’s about making respecting each other’s personhood fun.
Roz: Up yours!
Van: Who said that?
Roz: I did!
When everybody had left the room, Frasier confronts Julia.
Frasier: You know, you can act as tough as you want, but I see through you.
Frasier: You’re not in the big leagues anymore. Blame it on the market. Blame it on bad luck, but somewhere at the back of your head is that nagging voice that keeps saying maybe you weren’t good enough. And now that you are here, you won’t form relationships. You keep everybody at arm’s length, anything to convince yourself that this is just a stop along the way, and above it all, I think you’re terrified that you’re going to fail here too. Then what do I know? I’m just a magic eight ball with a Harvard and Oxford degree.
Days later, Julia and Frasier are back on air.
Frasier: It’s forty-five past he hour, which means it’s time once again for the woman who…
Julia clears his throat to signal to Frasier to make it fast.
Frasier: is known as Julia Wilcox.
Julia: Thank you, Frasier. Another up day for the markets, but first, these words from Patriot Credit Consolidators.
Roz enters the booth.
Julia: How many times do I have to tell you? You need to get a comfortable chair in here. My leg keeps falling asleep, while I’m on the air.
Roz: Who doesn’t?
Roz Doyle leaves the booth.
Julia: Frasier, perhaps if you’re at Nervosa later, I could join you for a cup of coffee or a non-stimulating beverage? Please note you retain the option to say no.
Frasier: I appreciate that. And, in time, I believe we will be able to establish a…a collegial relationship. However, I think we should both acknowledge the feelings of hostility that…
Julia: Oh, just say no. Honestly, do you ever shut up?
Frasier: Now, see here, I, uh…
Julia goes back on air.
Julia: The rich got richer today on Wall Street. Not news, ordinarily, but after their recent slide…
Julia gives an uncharacteristic congenial wave at Frasier who is on his way out. Frasier smiles.
Julia: Today’s rally in large cap does take on a certain man bites dog quality. Speaking of dogs…
Later, Roz Doyle offers Julia a mug of coffee. She sets both mugs down then grabs one of them. She sets her mug down to answer the phone. Julia switches the two mugs. Roz hangs up the phone, and notices that the mugs had been switched. Kenny peeks his head to call on Julia, while Roz switches the two mugs again. Julia turns to Roz, and tells her something, and the two switch mugs. Julia changes her mind about the coffee, and Roz decides to throw the coffee in the garbage.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “The Harassed” episode was written by Chris Marcil. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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