Daphne Moon is giving Martin Crane a massage.
Martin: Ow! All right! All right, I’ll talk! Just make the pain stop!
Daphne: Oh, shut up! I’m just trying to get the blood flowing.
Martin: Oh, more like make me hemorrhage.
Daphne: Don’t temp me.
Martin: Oh, God, you broke something!
Daphne: Too bad it wasn’t your bloody pie hole! There, we’re done, you big baby.
Martin: What? Already? Oh, that felt great. Oh! I feel like a new man. I love your new table.
Daphne: Oh you’re sweet. Can I make you a sandwich?
Martin: That’d be great. By the way, Daphne, you know, they’re showing the first ever episode of Rockford today. If you’re really serious about becoming an American citizen maybe you ought to watch it.
Frasier Crane followed by Niles Crane enters the house.
Niles: Well, now you’ve opened it. That’s mail theft.
Martin: What’s going on?
Frasier: Nothing. Just another piece of Cam Winston’s mail has found its way into our box. It’s been happening a lot since we switched mailboxes even after I gave the postman a stern lecture.
Martin: Especially after.
Frasier: Anyway, it was an honest mistake. Cam and I are on all the same mailing lists. I’m sure mine is in his box. Besides, it’s nothing personal. It’s just an announcement of some place called La Porte D’Argent.
Martin: Probably just another froufrou restaurant or froufrou clothing store.
Frasier: No, no, no. This is not froufrou, dad, as evidenced by the manly scent of balsam.
Frasier hands the letter to Niles, and he smells it.
Frasier: They obviously deal with a very upscale clientele.
Niles: Oh! La Porte D’Argent. Someone at the racquet club was talking about this. It’s very, very exclusive.
Niles: That’s all I know. Some ill-mannered person started up his blow dryer before I could hear anymore.
Daphne steps out of the kitchen.
Niles: Oh, Daphne, Daphne, did I get one of these in the mail today?
Niles shows her the invitation.
Daphne: No, I don’t think so.
Frasier grabs the invitation from Niles.
Frasier: Poor Niles.
Daphne: What’s this about?
Martin: Oh, they’re all worked up over some smelly invitation Frasier stole to some place they never heard of.
Frasier: Yes, but that’s what’s so intriguing, Dad, that there exists an exclusive place in Seattle that neither of us knows about.
Frasier picks up the phone, and dials.
Niles: Could be an art gallery or a new haberdashery.
Martin turns to Daphne.
Martin: Or an Italian shoelace boutique.
Niles: What’s happening?
Frasier: It’s a machine. It’s asking me to enter my six-digit access code. What’ll I do?
Martin: Why don’t you just punch in whatever keys spell out “snobby”.
Niles: You know, it might be worth a try.
Frasier punches snobby.
Frasier: Oh, denied!
Niles: Oh! The allure of La Porte D’Argent has increased tenfold.
Frasier: All right, here’s our plan. We’ll go to the university computer lab, bribe some hungry hacker, and once he’s tapped into their mainframe La Porte D’Argent will offer up her sweet secret like a blushing bride on her wedding night.
Martin: Why don’t you just go down there, and ask them what they do?
Frasier: All right, Dad. That’s a plan B.
Frasier Crane arrives at La Porte D’Argent. With an ear-to-ear smile he looks around. He approaches the receptionist.
Frasier: Hello. Uh, is this La Porte D’Argent?
Receptionist: Yes, it is.
Frasier: Ah, good. Say, someone was asking me earlier today about La Porte D’Argent, and I had a difficult time characterizing it. Uh, what would you tell him?
Receptionist: We try to discourage word of mouth.
Frasier: That’s exactly what I said. So, oh, well, I’m here to take advantage of your offer.
Frasier hands the receptionist the invitation.
Receptionist: Can I have your name, please?
Frasier: Yes, Frasier Crane.
The receptionist types on the computer.
Receptionist: I’m not finding you.
Frasier: Try doctor Frasier Crane. Perhaps you’ve heard my popular radio show.
Receptionist: I’m not really a radio person. I’m sorry Dr. Crane, you’re not on the list. I can’t let you in.
Frasier: But I have an invitation.
Receptionist: Yes, but you’re not on the list.
Frasier: Yes, but I do have an invitation.
Receptionist: But you aren’t on the list.
Frasier: Yes, well, if I’m on the list, I wouldn’t need an invitation, would I? I would just say that I’m on the list. Therefore, the invitation supersedes the list.
Receptionist: No, invitations are given out only to those on the list.
Frasier: Aha, but you do concede that I have a valid invitation?
Frasier: Then it naturally follows that I would be on the list.
Receptionist: But you’re not.
Frasier: Then how did I get the invitation?
Receptionist: I really don’t know. You could have stolen it.
Niles Crane enters the lobby.
Frasier: Are you accusing me of deception?
Frasier Crane turns around, and finds her brother standing there.
Frasier: Cam! Cam Winston!
Frasier chuckles and signals to his brother.
Frasier: There you are.
Niles Crane imitates Cam Winston’s low, deep voice.
Niles: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: You know, while I was waiting for you I decided to test the mettle of this young man. I’m pleased to report that he follows the rules of La Porte D’Argent to the letter.
Frasier: Anyway, I am a guest of Mr. Cam Winston’s here. Uh, he told me to meet him here. Gave me the invitation, and here I am.
Niles: Yes, I’m Cam Winston, and he’s my guest, and I asked him to meet me here.
Frasier Crane kicks Niles Crane.
The receptionist types on his computer.
Receptionist: Here you are, Mr. Winston. Welcome to La Porte D’Argent.
The receptionist gives each one of them a brochure.
Frasier: Ah, thank you.
Receptionist: I hope you both enjoy your stay. Take a moment to look over our services, and I’ll be back in just a moment.
The receptionist swipes his card, and enters a door.
Frasier: Niles, it’s a day spa!
Niles still imitating Cam Winston says…
Niles: Good gravy, this is fantastic!
Frasier: Would you stop talking like that? It’s the worst impersonation of Cam Winston I’ve ever heard.
Niles: You’ve heard another one?
Frasier: Of course not.
Niles: Then it’s the best.
Frasier: Now you’re stuck talking like that all day.
The receptionist returns.
Receptionist: Here are your keys, gentlemen. Your aestheticians will be with you shortly.
The receptionist hands them their keys.
Both: Thank you.
Niles Crane clears his throat, and speaks in his normal voice.
Niles: Thank you. Oh, good, I’ve been waiting for that all morning.
The two take a seat, and review the brochure.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. The air vetting massage sounds splendid.
Frasier reads from the brochure.
Frasier: Two therapists at once using hot stones, and a blend of essential oils personally created for your dosha.
Niles: I think I’ll have the aroma therapy Swedish.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. Look at this bounty. Take a risk. Be a man.
Niles reads from the brochure.
Niles: The Chardonnay Rose Hips Salt Glow?
Frasier: That’s more I like it.
One of the aestheticians arrives bringing with her two sets of spa outfits.
Frasier: Oh, lovely.
Aesthetician: Right this way.
Frasier: Thank you.
Niles: Frasier, Frasier. River rocks and a stalk of wheat. Ooh.
AFTER THE RUBBIN’
Niles and Frasier Crane have finished their massages.
Niles: I knew it was going to be good, but I had no idea it would be this good. I feel like I’ve been rubbed by angels.
Frasier: Niles, I just wish you had tried the vasotocin aqua therapy treatment. I feel as if I’ve had a rebirthing experience. I’ve never felt better in my life.
Niles: I’m so polished, my entire body is squeaking.
Frasier laughs. He approaches one of the staff.
Frasier: Ah, hello.
Staff: How was everything?
Staff: Ah, I’m so glad. Now this is a breakdown of your services.
The woman hands them their bill.
Frasier coughs at the sight of the bill.
Frasier: Nirvana ain’t cheap.
Frasier: Well, it’s worth it, I suppose. What do you say we make this a standing appointment, Niles?
Niles: I think I owe it to ourselves.
Staff: I’d be happy to set that up.
Staff: Now, I’ve also put together a personal La Porte D’Argent product system for each of you based on the recommendations of your aestheticians.
Frasier and Niles waste no time to rummage through the goody bag.
Niles: Oh wow.
Frasier pulls out a spray can, and sprays a mist.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, this smells great.
Frasier sprays some more.
Frasier: Try that.
Staff: The mid-afternoon, anti-stress spritz.
Niles and Frasier reads the writings on the can.
Niles: I’ve never even heard of eyelash conditioner.
Frasier: Ah. Hence, the brittle lashes.
A man walks past them. Frasier and Niles follow him with their eyes.
Niles: Hey, isn’t that Senator Ogden?
Frasier: It is.
The senator is in front of a door swiping his card.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, this just gets better and better; balanced skin and social advancement all in one setting. I’m going to go say hello.
Frasier walks over to the Senator, but is too late. Senator Ogden had already entered through the door, and it shut right in front of him.
The staff sees Frasier fussing with the door.
Staff: I’m sorry, that area is restricted to our Gold Level members.
Niles: You have a gold level? How do you get in?
Staff: You’d have to be on the list.
Frasier: Well, well uh, we are on the list!
Staff: The Gold list.
Frasier: This is absurd! I’m a member of every exclusive club in this entire town. You must have a reciprocal membership with one of them.
Staff: I’m sorry, but you’re more than welcome to enjoy the many amenities of the Silver level.
Frasier: And just how are we supposed to enjoy this?!
Niles walks over to his brother, and Frasier irritatingly sprays his face with the mid-afternoon spritz several times.
Frasier: And this isn’t working!
At the house, Daphne and Marty are watching Rockford Files.
Daphne: You never told me Rockford was Maverick.
Marty: Well, technically, he’s not Maverick in this—he’s Rockford…even though we all know he’s secretly Maverick.
Daphne: I can see why you like this show.
Marty: Yeah, what’s not to like? Solving crimes, pretty girls, car chase.
Daphne: Leisure suits.
Daphne: Rockford’s dad reminds me of you.
Marty: What are you talking about?
Daphne: Rockford’s dad. You’re just like him -- cranky, but lovable.
Marty: The hell I am! I’m like Rockford.
Daphne: How do you get that?
Marty: Well, come on! He solves crimes. I solved crimes. We’re both in tune with the beat of the street. He’s the kind of guy that men want to be, and women want to be with. When this show first came out, everybody used to say I was like Rockford.
Daphne: I’m sorry. I don’t see it. You still remind me of his dad.
Marty: Rocky? But he’s old.
The look on Marty’s face changes as if he has come to a realization of what Daphne’s reasoning.
Marty: Oh, I see.
Daphne: I didn’t mean that. I just meant there’s something about him that reminds me of you.
Marty: Yeah, his oldness?
Daphne: Oh, stop it. If you want to be Rockford, you could be Rockford. I don’t care.
Marty: Fine. Then let’s just watch it.
Marty now has a long face.
Marty: I don’t want to watch this anymore.
Marty turns off the television.
Marty: Congratulations—you’ve ruined Rockford for me.
Frasier and Niles arrive.
Niles: I had a nagging feeling the whole time they were holding something back on purpose.
Frasier: Blended for you dosha indeed! They wouldn’t know my dosha if they fell over it!
Daphne: So what kind of a hoity-toity place did it end up being?
Frasier: It was a hellhole! The nerve to call it a day spa when it’s nothing more than a mere front for a bona fide luxury spa, which taunts those kept at bay outside its golden door.
Marty: If you didn’t go in, how do you know it’s better?
Frasier: It had to be. The door was gold. Ours was only silver. Gold is better than silver.
Niles: Stupid silver.
Daphne: Well, you’ll always be in my exclusive club, honey.
Daphne gives her husband a hug.
Niles: Oh, thanks, and that’s all I need. There must be somebody who can get us in.
Frasier: Let’s go comb our Rolodexes.
Niles: Yes! There has to be a way out of the slum they call the Silver Room.
Frasier runs to his room, while Niles makes his way out of the apartment.
Niles: Why do I keep on squeaking!
Days later, Frasier Crane is at Café Nervosa when Roz Doyle arrives.
Roz: Hey, Frasier! Wait ‘til you see this.
Roz takes a seat at Frasier’s table, while she chuckles.
Roz: It is so cool.
Frasier: Really? Well, I could use something to balm my wounds. Hehe! Painful as it is, I’ve come to accept that I shall never pass through that spa’s gold door.
Roz pulls out something from his purse.
Roz: Anyway, I was filing your new headshot, and I started looking through your old ones way back when you started.
Roz flips Frasier’s headshots. She laughs. She does it again, and continues to laugh.
Frasier: What am I looking at?
Roz: Oh, it’s like an animation of your hairline receding. Isn’t that great?
Roz: Okay, right now, here’s the good part.
Roz flips it the other way around.
Roz: It’s growing back!
She laughs, and Frasier feigns a chuckle.
Roz: You see…
Frasier: Yes, yes.
Roz: Growing back!
Frasier: All right, Roz, that’s enough, all right!
Roz: Don’t be so sensitive.
Niles Crane arrives.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, no good news, I suppose?
Niles takes a seat.
Niles: I’ve had no luck getting us into the gold level.
Roz: Are you guys really this bent out of shape about that gold spa?
Roz: Why can’t you be happy with the silver one?
Niles: Because gold is better.
Roz: Bull! The only reason you want to go there is because you can’t.
Frasier: We saw a senator going in. A senator! We elected him—he works for us. How is it fair that our employee is admitted, while we are shunted off to the icy depths of silver level?
Roz: It’s a spa. How much better could it be? What, are they going to carry you around like a sultan? Are you going to be massaged by supermodels? And then, what if you do get through the gold door? What next, the diamond door? And after that, a titanium door. And after that, a plutonium door.
Niles: That’s ridiculous. Plutonium’s radioactive. No one’s going to make a door out of it.
Frasier: Although Roz does make a point, Niles. What kind of crazy fantasy are we chasing?
Roz: I’m right.
Frasier: Oh, I’m…I’m sorry. I was just imagining supermodels with that crook Senator Ogden.
Roz: It was Senator Ogden? I know him.
Niles: You do?
Roz: Yeah. He really owes me one, too. Want me to give him a call?
Frasier: Would you? Absolutely!
Niles: How do you know Senator Ogden?
Roz: Well…I knew him a few years ago when his marriage was on the rocks. We kept it very hush hush. Thank God I knew CPR.
At the apartment, Daphne is reading the TV guide.
Daphne: Rockford’s on.
Marty: Not interested.
Daphne: Oh, come on, it looks like a good one. Tom Selleck’s in it.
Marty: Ooh, those are good. Not that I care.
Daphne: You know, I caught a few episodes at home, and I see the resemblance between you and a young Jim Rockford.
Marty: No, you don’t.
Daphne: Yes, I do. No one gives him credit when he has a good idea. He likes to drive a little too fast.
Marty: He’s got my chin! And he knows how to work the system, and the babes love him.
Daphne: Yes, they do.
Daphne: So what do you say?
Marty: Oh, okay, why not?
Marty turns on the television.
Marty: Ah, this is good. Sorry I got so worked up.
Daphne: Oh, you can’t help it. You’ve got principles like Rockford.
Marty: Okay, let’s not lay it on too thick. Oh look at that. Malibu, California. FYI, those mountains you see in the background are the same ones you see at the beginning of MASH.
Daphne: Oh, I love MASH. Whenever I watch it, I think of you serving in Korea all those years ago just like Coronel Potter.
Marty’s face takes a sour turn. He shuts off the TV again.
Marty: That’s it! Go home.
Marty: Coronel Potter was old when he did Dragnet!
Daphne: Coronel Potter—that funny young doctor who used to mix martinis in his tent.
Marty: Oh, you’re thinking of Hawkeye.
Daphne: Yes, that’s whom I meant.
Marty contemplates at Daphne’s explanation.
Marty turns on the TV again. Daphne makes a face.
An aesthetician rolls Niles who is lying on a gurney wrapped like a mummy with cucumbers on his eyes.
Aesthetician: I’ve taken you to the relaxation grotto. We’ll just let the wrap, and your orange-honey butter mask soothe you while you listen to the healing sounds of the Javanese rain forest, okay?
Frasier Crane as if in a trance enters the room where Niles is. He bumps into a plant.
Frasier: Oh, excuse me.
Niles: Frasier is that you?
Frasier: I just had a color therapy treatment. My eyes haven’t readjusted yet. Uh, they sent me in here to relax.
Niles: I’m letting my orange-honey butter mask set.
Frasier takes a seat on the lounge chair.
Niles: Roz was so wrong.
Frasier: Ah, completely wrong.
Frasier: Oh. Yeah, my eyes are getting better.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. You should see this place.
Niles: Be my eyes, Frasier.
Frasier: Well, it’s just paradise.
Niles chuckles, and wiggles his feet.
Frasier: From the rare, exotic orchids, the trompe l’oeil sky, the perfectly bubbled stream to the…
Frasier stops at the sight of another door.
Niles: To the what?
Frasier: There’s a platinum door.
Niles: Platinum? Are you sure?
Niles: Is it guarded?
Frasier: No! Just brazenly standing there.
Niles: Then rip the cucumbers from my eyes, and let’s go!
Frasier rips the cucumbers from Niles eyes, and helps his brother sit up.
Frasier: What are we doing?
Frasier let’s go of his brother, and Niles falls back to his gurney.
Frasier: This is exactly what Roz said.
Niles: No, no! Roz said diamond door.
Niles swings his feet, and sits up.
Frasier: Niles, this is heaven.
Niles who is tightly wrapped, and could barely move falls again on the gurney.
Frasier: Right here and now. Why do we have to think about someplace else?
Niles: This is only heaven to the people who can’t get into the real heaven -- the platinum heaven.
Frasier: Niles, why can’t we be happy? Why must we allow the – the thought of something that at this point can only be incrementally better ruin what is here and now?
Niles: I don’t know. Let’s figure it out on the other side.
Niles strains to sit up, but manages to just fall back on the gurney.
Frasier: No. I am through chasing the eternal carrot. Whatever is behind that door shall remain behind that door unseen.
Niles: Stay if you want. I have to know!
Niles finally manages to stand up. He walks to the door like a caterpillar.
Frasier: Oh, for God’s sake, you can’t even walk, you ninny!
Niles gives Frasier a look of disdain.
Frasier: All right, all right, I will go. Just to take a peek.
A staff arrives.
Staff: I’m sorry, Sir. You’re not allowed through there. Please remain in the relaxation grotto.
The staff replaces the pitcher of water with a new one then leaves.
Frasier: Please remain in the relaxation grotto? Have crueler words ever been spoken? Now, that’s it. I am determined to see where they think I don’t belong.
Niles: Take me with you!
Frasier Crane carries his brother, and makes his way to the door. He kicks the door, and sunlight comes pouring through. He gasps.
Frasier: Niles. Healing warmth and light! It must be a magnificent solarium!
Niles: Goodbye sweet and edible facials. Hello radiant, life-giving sun!
The two walk out the door.
Niles: It’s beautiful! It’s beautiful!
The door closes behind them.
Frasier: Yes! This is where we belong!
Frasier sets his brother down, and leans him against a…dumpster.
Niles: Do you smell garbage?
They look around, and realize where they are at.
Frasier: Oh dear Niles. I don’t think this is part of the spa!
Frasier raps on the door that had closed behind them.
Frasier: Hello! Hello, nyone in the relaxation grotto?!
Niles: Frasier. Look at all those bees.
Frasier: Bees?! Niles! Our sweet and edible facials! Run!
Frasier runs. Niles who is still wrapped like a mummy tries his best to flee.
Meanwhile at Café Nervosa, Roz Doyle shows Senator Ogden Frasier’s “animated” headshots. The senator laughs so hard he begins to cough, passes out, and falls off his chair. Roz having experienced this before, rolls her eyes, and begins CPR.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Door Jam” episode was written by Heide Perlman. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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