Rose Nylund enters the house. Dorothy Zbornak and Sophia Petrillo are sitting on the couch reading.
Rose: Girls! Girls, guess what.
Sophia: Wait a minute.
Rose: I’ve got…
Sophia: Wait a minute! Why do you always come into a room, and say, “Girls, girls?” Do you see Molly Ringwald sitting here?
Rose: You’re awfully cranky today.
Sophia: Well, forgive me. My arthritis is bothering me, my social security check was late, and I realized today I haven’t showered with a man in twenty-two years.
Dorothy: Ma, pop’s been dead twenty-seven years.
Sophia: What’s your point?
Dorothy: What are you saying?
Rose: Isn’t it obvious, Dorothy? She showered with a dead man for five years.
Rose Nylund takes a seat.
Dorothy: Rose, what did you want?
Rose: I got two tickets to the hottest Norwegian musical in town.
Dorothy: Rose, you’ve really tempted me, but I have other plans.
Rose: You have a date?
Sophia Petrillo gags.
Sophia: Never say that while I’m eating.
Dorothy: I’m teaching history for an adult-education program. It’s for people who never got high school diplomas.
Rose: What else do they teach?
Dorothy: The usual high school subjects.
Rose: You mean like the three Rs – reading, writing and rooster inseminating?
Dorothy: No, we just teach the first two Rs.
Rose: Find. But you’ll be sending people out into the world who don’t know you can get a nasty rooster bite if you don’t warm your hands up first.
Blanche Devereaux prances to the living room.
Blanche: Girls, is this dress me?
Sophia: It’s too tight, it’s too short, and it shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.
Dorothy: Yes, Blanche, it’s you.
Rose: Another date with your mystery man?
Blanche: Oh, he’s no mystery man.
Dorothy: No? Then how come you’ve been out with him four times, we don’t know anything about him?
Blanche: Well, there is one little thing.
Blanche laughs as she puts on more make-up. The doorbell rings.
Blanche: Oh, that must be him. Rose, would you get the door, please?
Rose Nylund opens the door. An elderly man with all-white hair greets her with a Hispanic accent.
Rose: Oh, hello. We thought you were Blanche’s date, but you’re way too old.
The man sees Blanche.
Man: Hola, Blanche!
Blanche: Hello, sweetheart.
Blanche Devereaux walks over to her date.
Blanche: Come here! I want you to meet all my friends.
Rose: Please forgive me. It wasn’t my fault – my cousins have been marrying each other for generations. I’m sorry.
Blanche: Everybody, this is Fidel Santiago.
Dorothy: How do you do? Very nice to meet you.
Fidel: It is always a pleasure to meet beautiful ladies such as yourselves.
Sophia Petrillo turns to her daughter.
Sophia: With that accent, you could almost buy it.
Fidel: And you must be Sophia.
Sophia: Your face looks awfully familiar. Was your picture ever on a cigar box?
Fidel: No, she’s right. That was my father.
Sophia: May we continue, Commandant?
Fidel: My family once owned the largest tobacco plantation in all of Cuba. Do you know that at one time, I was the most famous Fidel in the entire country? Until you-know-who showed up.
Dorothy: Rex the Wonder Horse, Rose.
Fidel: How did you know about Santiago cigars?
Sophia: My husband was a fan – not of the cigars, the boxes. We used to keep all our fine cutlery in one.
Fidel: Blanche was right. She said you were incorrigible.
Sophia: I guess I deserve it. I always say she’s a cheap slut.
Blanche: Maybe we’d better be going.
Fidel: Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you all.
Blance Devereaux and Fidel Santiago leave.
Dorothy: Well, I guess that solves the mystery.
Sophia: I’ll say. Who would have thought Blanche would date somebody that long in the tooth?
Rose: I thought his teeth were nice. What I couldn’t believe was how old he was.
Dorothy: You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.
Sophia: I know. I should’ve taped them back when you were seven.
Dorothy Zbornak enters the classroom.
Dorothy: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please take your seats.
Dorothy walks over to her desk, and reads from her notebook.
Dorothy: Uh, Jorge Vega?
Jorge Vega waves.
Dorothy: Michael Fachik?
Michael raises his hand.
Dorothy: Jim Shu?
Dorothy Zbornak, her eyes now wide, reads it again.
Dorothy: Jim Shu?! Oh, I get it gym shoe. Very funny.
A Japanese man in a vest and tie stands up.
Jim: Excuse me. I am Jim Shu.
Dorothy: I’m terribly sorry. I thought you were pulling my leg.
Jim: I don’t think I could drink that much sake.
Dorothy: Sit down, Shu.
Dorothy resumes her roll call.
Dorothy: Maria Gianelli?
Maria waves her hand.
Dorothy: Rose Nylund? Rose Ny…Rose Ny…
Embarrassed Rose Nylund slowly raises her hand. Shocked Dorothy Zbornak walks over to Rose.
Dorothy: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Dorothy, I have a confession to make. I slipped through the cracks of the St. Olaf school system.
Dorothy: That’s very hard to believe. I’ve seen you almost complete a TV Guide crossword puzzle.
Rose: It’s true. You’re looking at a woman without a sheepskin.
Jim: I’ve got an extra in my wallet I could give you.
Rose turns to Jim Shu who is sitting right behind her.
Rose: No, thanks. I’d rather earn it.
Jim: Meet you at Benihana after class?
Rose looks irked.
Dorothy: Rose. Rose!
Dorothy grabs her by the hand, and pulls her aside.
Dorothy: You never graduated from high school?
Rose: Not officially. Three weeks before graduation, I was asked to be in the kissing booth at the founders’ day fair. Unfortunately, the first boy I kissed had a nasty case of mono. That afternoon, I passed it along to fifty young men, and one very confused female P.E. teacher who smelled of Old Spice. I slept day and night for the next six months, and when I finally woke up I had missed my graduation and the integration of major-league baseball.
Dorothy: Rose, I—I’m very sorry, but, honey, you cannot stay in this class.
Rose: Oh please, Dorothy. I’ve secretly dreamt of getting a high school diploma for years, but I never had the courage to do it. Now, with you teaching, I finally feel comfortable enough to give it a try.
Dorothy: Oh, all right.
Dorothy gives Rose a hug.
Dorothy: All right, you can stay.
Rose: Thank you.
Rose Nylund returns to her seat awkwardly, because Jim Shu looks at her with a big smile on his face.
Dorothy: All right, everybody, if you will turn to page five.
Rose Nylund raises her hand.
Dorothy: Yes, Rose?
Rose: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Rose stands up, turns to the flag then puts her hand over her chest.
Rose: I pledge allegiance to the flag…
The rest of the class quickly stands up, and does the same.
All: Of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands…
The next morning, Dorothy is in the kitchen checking test papers when Rose arrives.
Rose: Hi, Dorothy. What are you doing?
Dorothy: I’m grading the history test.
Rose: How did I do?
Dorothy: You’ll find out in class tomorrow.
Rose: Can you give me a hint?
Rose: Did I do better than Boris Yushenko?
Dorothy: Oh, Rose! Boris Yushenko doesn’t speak a word of English, and he was hit on the forehead with a mortar during World War II.
Rose: Did I do better than him?
Rose: I’m a failure.
Dorothy: Rose, you are not. Now, come on, you are doing very well in every subject except history.
Rose: Well, I’m not surprised. It’s all because of my high school history teacher, Mr. Stickelmeyer. He was a Nazi.
Dorothy: Oh, come on. Rose, a lot of students don’t like their teachers.
Rose: No, I mean it. He was part of a nefarious plot by the Germans to teach misinformation so America’s youth would be really stupid when the Germans invaded. St. Olaf was the first town chosen for their experiment.
Dorothy: I guess they figured they had a leg-up there.
Rose: His orders came right from the top.
Dorothy: You mean Hitler?
Rose: Who’s Hitler?
Dorothy: You are bad at history.
Blanche Devereux barges in the kitchen.
Blanche: Girls, I am just beside myself. Fidel’s seeing another woman.
Dorothy: Are you sure?
Blanche: Yes. We used to see each other constantly. Now, I’m lucky to see him twice a week. If he’s not seeing another woman, what else could he be doing?
Rose: Maybe he paints, like Red Skeleton.
Dorothy: Rose, would you please hand me my grade book?
Rose hands Dorothy her grade book.
Dorothy: Thank you.
Dorothy hits Rose on the head with the grade book.
Dorothy: You were saying, Blanche?
Blanche: Well, it’s just breaking my heart. I’ve never cared for a man as much as Fidel Santa Domingo.
Blanche: Oh, whatever. The point is, he’s rich, he’s handsome and we were made for each other even if I don’t speak Mexican.
Blanche: Whatever. I just don’t know what I’m gonna do.
Blanche takes a seat.
Dorothy: Oh now, calm down, Blanche. There’s probably a very logical explanation.
Blanche: You know. You’re probably right. Oh, why would Fidel want another woman? After all, he’s dipped his toes in the lake known as Blanche.
Rose turns to Dorothy.
Rose: That wasn’t stupid enough to deserve a hit?
Dorothy: Do you know what I’m gonna do?
Rose covers her head with her hands.
Dorothy: Put your hands down, Rose. I was going to say, since we all had such a bad day. Let’s all go out for dinner. It’s on me.
Rose: Sounds great1
Blanche stands up.
Blanche: I’ll go get my purse.
Rose: Wow! Dinner out with the girls!
Blanche exits the kitchen. Rose gets up her seat.
Rose: Oh, let’s really get crazy. We’ll eat Chinese and use forks.
Rose: I know. I know. We’ll pretend it’s one of our birthdays and screw ‘em out of a cake.
Rose laughs. Dorothy walks over to Rose.
Rose: Boy, if I wasn’t going, I’d really be jealous of me. But I am going, so that’s all irrelevant.
Dorothy: Rose, did I hit you too hard before?
Rose: No, not at all. I’m trying a new hairspray and it absorbs most of the impact.
That night, Dorothy, Blanche and Rose are out at a park having ice cream.
Dorothy: Thanks for dinner, Dorothy. It was delicious.
Blanche: Oh, I really enjoyed it too. In fact, I had such a good time, I forgot all about what’s-his-name.
Blanche: Oh, honey, I know what his name is.
Rose: No, I mean there he is.
The girls turn around to look at where Rose is looking.
Rose: And he has his arms around another woman.
Blance Devereaux angrily walks towards Fidel Santiago.
Blanche: Fidel Santiago!
Fidel: My papers are in order!
Fidel Santiago turns around.
Fidel: Oh. Hello, Blanche.
Blanche: What in hell is going on here?
Fidel: Blanche, I…
Blanche: How could you be so deceitful? What is it? Is she younger, more attractive, more desirable?
Sophia Petrillo who has been standing behind Fidel Santiago now stands beside the man.
Sophia: You got to out of three, Blanche.
Blanche: Sophia, what in hell is going on here?
Sophia: He’s a man. I’m a woman. I’ve got what it takes and he knows how to use it.
Dorothy Zbornak turns to Rose Nylund.
Dorothy: I think I’m gonna lose my lunch.
Fidel: Blanche, listen.
Sophia: Fidel, don’t sugarcoat it for her. Look, we happen to be an item. I’m wearing his MedicAlert bracelet.
Sophia shows Blanche the bracelet.
Blanche: When did this start?
Fidel: Well, I have been allergic to penicillin ever since…
Blanche: Oh, not that! I mean this sick relationship.
Fidel: Por favor, let me explain. I still care for you deeply. I did not mean for this to happen, it just did when I would go to pick you up, I would always talk to Sophia while I was waiting, and to my delight I found her to be very…
Fidel: Interesting. Look, ladies, I am so glad that this is all out in the open. You are both wonderful women, and I want to continue seeing both of you. But of course that is a decision that you will have to make. Now, if you will excuse me. It’s time for me to change into my third linen suit of the day. In this heat I go through them like Kleenex.
Fidel walks away.
Blanche: Oh! Of all the nerve! How could he possibly think I’d continue seeing him? Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!
Sophia: Or a pizza.
Blanche: And what does that mean, you wrinkled old crow?!
Sophia: It means Fidel is interested in more than just a cheap thrill. He also wants a mind.
Blanche: Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see about that!
Sophia: You’re on, baby!
Blanche angrily walks away.
The next day, Dorothy and Rose are sitting on the couch. Dorothy busy grading papers, and Rose studying. Outside you could hear Sophia talking to Fidel Santiago.
Sophia: Fidel, stop!
Sophia enters the house followed by Fidel.
Sophia: Fidel, stop! Even surgical stockings only have so much elastic! Hehe! Hello, I thought you two would be asleep by now.
Sophia gestures with her eyes.
Blanche steps out of her bedroom.
Blanche: Girls, this nightgown is so sheer I believe you can see right through it. Oh, hello, Fidel.
Fidel: Hello, Blanch. How are you?
Blanche: You don’t have cataracts – you tell me.
Sophia: Beat it! You fifty-year old mattress.
Blanche: Oh. Why, you…you miserable old—
Dorothy: Blanche! Blanche, Blanche, you know the rules. When one of you is out with Fidel, the other one does not interfere.
Blanche: My apologies. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath, with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.
Blanche seductively leans on the doorjam.
Sophia: You’re only gonna sit in an inch of water?
Blanche: Oh, that does it! That does it!
Pissed Blanche runs towards Sophia, but Rose stops her. Sophia readies to fight her, but Dorothy stops her.
Fidel: No, no, no, no, ladies! Ladies, let us behave in a more civilized manner.
Blanche: You’re right. I apologize, Fidel.
Sophia: So do I.
Fidel: Well, good night.
Blanche: Good night.
Sophia: I’ll see you at noon for lunch?
Blanche: And six for dinner.
Sophia: Ten for dancing?
Blanche: Midnight for dessert.
Fidel bids farewell, and walks out the door.
Rose: Dessert at midnight?
Sophia: There’s always room for Jell-O.
Livid Blanche slowly walks towards Sophia.
Blanche: I just hate you. I regret the day you ever moved in here.
Sophia: And I regret the day I gave birth to you.
Sophia Petrillo makes her way to her bedroom.
Dorothy: Ma! Ma, I’m your daughter.
Sophia: Oh, yeah. I need a Bromo Seltzer.
Blanche: I need a cheesecake.
Teary-eyed Blanche makes her way to the kitchen. Concerned Dorothy and Rose follows her.
Rose: Blanche, I hate to see you and Sophia fighting like that.
Blanche: She’s trying to steal my man, and no one ever…
All: Steals a man from Blanche Devereaux.
Blanche places the cheesecake on the kitchen table.
Dorothy: Blanche, this is all about your ego, isn’t it?
Blanche: Ego? Dorothy, I have no ego, and you can ask the hundreds of men who would gladly cut off their right arm to sleep with me.
Rose: I agree with Dorothy. I don’t think you’d even still be dating Fidel if another woman wasn’t interested in him.
Blanche: Girls, look, I know it seems strange, but I happen to have strong feelings for Fidel. I can’t explain it. Some things in life defy explanation.
Rose: Yeah, like Bruce Willis’ hair.
Confused Dorothy and Blanche fall silent. Sophia in her nightgown enters the kitchen.
Sophia: Blanche, I wanna talk to you.
Blanche: I’m in no mood to fight.
Sophia: Neither am I. That’s what I wanna talk about. We’ve been at each other’s throats for weeks. We’ve also been running ourselves ragged trying to outdo each other. It has to stop.
Blanche: I’m not giving Fidel up, Sophia.
Sophia: I am. I’m fighting a losing battle. You’re younger, you’re prettier, in the end he’ll choose you and it’ll break my heart. He’s yours, Blanche. No hard feelings.
Sophia turns around.
Blanche: Oh, Sophia wait.
Blanche walks towards Sophia.
Blanche: Why don’t you take Fidel? I have all those other boyfriends.
Sophia: Okay, good night!
Sophia exits the kitchen. Startled at Sophia’s antic, the girls are speechless. Seconds later…
Blanche: Sophia! Sophia!
Blanche marches out of the kitchen. The next day, Dorothy steps out of the kitchen with milk and cookies.
Dorothy: Rose, I have a little surprise for you!
Rose: Cookies and milk!
Dorothy sits beside Rose who is on the couch reading a magazine.
Rose: Oh my God, what’s wrong?
Dorothy: Nothing’s wrong.
Dorothy picks up a piece of paper from the coffee table.
Rose: You only do nice things for me when something terrible has happened.
Dorothy: Rose, you failed the history test.
Rose: What does that mean?
Dorothy: It means you got more wrong than right.
Rose: I know that. I didn’t fail Math. I was talking about the bigger picture.
Dorothy: It means you won’t get your diploma.
Rose: Yeah? Well, you have a big behind.
Dorothy: Oh Rose, Rose. Please, let’s try to keep this on an adult level, and if you wanna talk behinds, they could show “How The West Was Won” on yours.
Rose: I can’t believe this.
Dorothy: I’m sorry, Rose, but I have to grade you like everybody else.
Dorothy Zbornak hands Rose Nylund the piece of paper.
Rose: Well, look, Dorothy, you made a mistake. I got that question right.
Dorothy: Rose, the question was “Who was the leader of the Third Reich?” You wrote Fritz Sticklemeyer your high school history teacher. The correct answer is Adolf Hitler.
Rose: Where’s my history book?
Rose stands up to get her history book. She shows it to Dorothy.
Rose: Is this the man we’re talking about?
Dorothy: Yes, that is Adolf Hitler.
Rose: You can call him whatever you want, but that’s Fritz Stickelmeyer. I’m as sure of that as I am that’s Eva Braun standing next to him.
Dorothy: You recognize Eva Braun?
Rose: Well, sure. She was our high school P.E. teacher. It was rumored she used to date Mr. Stickelmeyer.
Dorothy: Rose, that’s it. I—I just can’t take any more. With this question right, you have a D minus. Uh Rose, you’re a high school graduate.
Rose: Oh, boy!
Ecstatic Rose Nylund jumps for joy. Sophia Petrillo all dressed in black steps out of her room.
Rose: Sophia! Sophia, I’m a high school graduate!
Rose Nylund hugs Sophia Petrillo.
Sophia: Congratulations. Now you can get any job involving a cardboard hat. Well, how do I look?
Dorothy: Hey, terrific! Where are you going tonight?
Sophia: Fidel is taking me to the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater to see Ruth Buzzi in Evita.
Blanche Devereaux enters the living room.
Blanche: Dorothy, how do I…where are you going?
Sophia: To the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater with Fidel.
Blanche: But that’s impossible. He invited me yesterday after the movies.
Sophia: He invited me yesterday after dinner.
Dorothy: This was bound to happen. The two of you have run that man ragged for weeks. It’s no wonder he got confused.
The phone rings. Dorothy Zbornak answers the phone.
Dorothy tries to listen to the person on the other line as Blanche continues her ranting.
Blanche: Confused? How could he possibly confuse this young, nubile body with that raisin in sneakers? Well, there’s only one way to settle this. I’m going.
Sophia: The hell you are! I’m going.
Dorothy: Neither one of you is going. Fidel isn’t coming.
Blanche: Where is he?
The next day, the girls are at Fidel Santiago’s funeral. Sophia turns to Blanche.
Sophia: We killed him.
Blanche: I know. We might as well have put a gun to poor Fidel’s head.
Sophia: We were too much woman for him. His spirit was willing, but his poor heart couldn’t take it.
Blanche: Ugh, it’s all our fault. Our silly competitiveness did this.
Dorothy: Oh, come on, you two. The man was in his seventies. These things just happen. You had nothing to do with his heart giving out.
Rose Nylund turns around to look at the other guests.
Rose: Dorothy, everyone here is a woman.
Dorothy and Sophia turn around. The priest starts speaking.
Priest: We are gathered here today to honor the memory of a man who had suddenly been taken from us.
Sophia: What are you looking at me for? Just keep talking.
Priest: Fidel Santiago was a very special man. He was kind, caring and loving. He was a man who brought joy into the lives of all he touched.
All the women sob. Dorothy turns to Rose.
Dorothy: I have the feeling he touched every behind in the room.
Priest: Fidel Santiago lived life.
Sophia: Excuse me, Father. Hold that thought.
Sophia Petrillo stands up.
Sophia: Which of you was Fidel’s girlfriend?
Everybody raises hands.
Blanche turns to Dorothy.
Blanche: My God, he had his burro hitched to every bedpost in town!
Rose: But that’s good news, girls. That means your cheap, animal-like lust didn’t have anything to do with killing Fidel.
One of the women stands up.
Woman: I’m leaving. I’m not about to mourn a man who’s been with every woman in this room.
Dorothy: He was never with me!
Woman: I guess even he had his standards.
The woman makes her way to the door.
Sophia: Hold it. Stay where you are. Father, if you don’t mind my saying so, I think you lost control of the room. Excuse me.
Sophia Petrillo takes the podium.
Sophia: The man in that box was a bum, a scoundrel, a cheat, and a liar.
Woman: You got that right.
Sophia: Quiet. I work alone, but there was another side to him, and it was beautiful. He awakened feelings in me I haven’t felt in thirty-five years. We used to hug and kiss, and hold hands, and it was nice. He made me feel attractive and desirable again. He probably made the rest of you feel that way too, and looking out at this kennel club, that was no small accomplishment. You may all hate Fidel right now, but I know the next time I’m sitting in the park on a warm sunny day, and I smell the aroma of a cheap cigar I’ll think of Fidel Santiago, and I’ll smile.
Sophia Petrillo steps down, and makes her way back to the front row where Rose, Dorothy, and Blanche are sitting.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, that was very sweet.
Rose: Just lovely, Sophia.
Blanche: Sophia, can you ever forgive me for all those ugly things I said?
Sophia: Of course, it was said in the heat of battle.
Blanche: You know, if I had it all to do over again, I’d let you have Fidel.
Sophia: Oh, you’re so generous. The man’s packing material, now you’re letting me have him? I have coat racks livelier than him!
Sophia Petrillo stands up, and walks down the aisle.
Sophia: She’s giving him to me. The man’s face has more powder on it than Ann Miller’s, and she’ giving him to me. A piece of lumber would make a better dancing partner! Thanks for niente!
Sophia Petrillo steps out of the funeral parlor.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of ”Yes, We Have No Havanas”. This Golden Girls episode was written by Mort Nathan and Barry Fanaro. Golden Girls is owned by Witt Thomas Harris Productions, Touchstone Pictures and Television, and NBC.
Next Golden Girls Transcript: The Days and Nights of Sophia Petrillo
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