Wednesday, March 4, 2009

We Two Kings – Frasier Transcript 10.10

Christmas presents locked inside a buildingRoz Doyle is talking to a Café Nervosa waiter wearing antlers.

Frasier: Oh hey Roz, can I join you?
Roz: Sure.
Frasier: Ah, may I have a latte to go, please? And I hope they aren’t paying you extra to wear that.
Waiter: No, but I was hoping it would help with my tips.
Frasier: Ah, as you know, my tipping policy stands firmly on the twin pillars of courtesy and efficiency, but today, I shall include whimsy. Merry Christmas.   Continue reading...

Frasier chuckles.

Waiter: God bless, Sir.
Frasier: Well…

The antler-wearing waiter leaves to work on Frasier’s order.

Roz: I’m really surprised, Frasier. I didn’t think you’d go for something kitschy like that.
Frasier: At Christmastime, I say let a thousand antlers bloom.
Roz: Oh, well, what a relief.

Roz Doyle takes off her coat to reveal her elf costume.

Frasier: Ho, ho, ho. Roz.
Roz: I’m working Santa’s Toy Drive at the mall. I’m an elf.
Frasier: Roz, if you needed extra cash, you should’ve come to me. I’ve got of plenty of odd jobs around the house.
Roz: It’s not about money. I’m volunteering.
Frasier: Oh, oh, well, good for you. Yes.
Roz: Yeah, visiting Santa Claus at the department store was one of my favorite memories as a kid.
Frasier: Hmmm. I always found him terrifying and inquisitorial.
Roz: When I was seven, my mom and dad took me to the mall to see Santa, and they were going through their divorce at the time so they were barely talking. Anyway, when I sat down on Santa’s lap, I started to cry. And he was just so nice. He made me feel safe, and protected. I don’t know, it just made me feel special. So, if I could do that for just one little kid, you know, I’d like to do that.
Frasier: I’m sorry I laughed at you, Roz. You should be very proud of yourself.
Roz: Thank you, and I better go before I’m late.
Frasier: Oh, right. You know what? I’m going, too. I’ll walk with you.
Roz: Ok.

Frasier Crane walks over to the counter to get his coffee. Roz Doyle makes her way to the door, and bells jingle with every move she makes. Frasier looks put off with the jingling.

Frasier: Actually, Roz, why don’t you just go ahead. I’m going to get myself a scone.

Daphne Moon and Niles Crane arrive at Frasier’s apartment.

Frasier: Oh, hi, guys! Good to see you.

Frasier gives Daphne a kiss on the cheek.

Niles: Hello…hello.
Frasier: Come in.
Niles: Hey, we were hoping to borrow your wassail bowl.
Frasier: Oh, I’m sorry, Niles. I’ve already loaned it to Lawrence Emerseon, and his madrigal caroling group.
Niles: Well, you can kiss that bowl good-bye. Frasier, the Yuletones are the bad boys of Renaissance Christmas music. Have you ever seen a church common room after one of their performances?
Frasier: Oh.
Marty: Why don’t you just use the punch bowl?
Frasier: Well, because then it wouldn’t be wassail, it would be punch.
Marty: What’s the difference?
Daphne: My dad used to say that punch makes you want to kiss the donkey in the manger scene, and wassail makes you want to check it into the inn.

Daphne Moon laughs. Frasier chuckles. Both Niles and Marty don’t get the humor in Daphne’s joke.

Frasier: That’s very funny. Uh, listen, Daphne, uh, I was just wondering, is your mom partial to a traditional Cornwall dressing? You see, I’m thinking it would go splendidly with the 12-pound Hungarian goose that I’m serving.
Daphne: Mum is spending Christmas on a cruise. An early Christmas present from Niles.
Niles: Yes, uh, I didn’t think she’d go for it, but apparently in international waters they can play single-deck blackjack.
Frasier: Oh.
Niles: Um, actually, Frasier, Daphne and I would like to have you over to our place for Christmas this year.
Daphne: Yeah, we just put up our tree, and everything looks so lovely. And it is our first Christmas as a married couple.
Frasier: Well, as lovely as that sounds.
Niles: Oh, come on, why not?!
Frasier: Well, Niles, because it’s a little late to be changing things, isn’t it? Besides, we’ve always had Christmas here. It’s a tradition!

Marty Crane picks up a dictionary, and reads it.

Marty: Wassail! A Christmas punch!
Niles: Frasier, you’ve had Christmas for the past nine years.
Frasier: Yes, but we agreed when you hosted Thanksgiving that we would have Christmas here in traditional setting.
Niles: Well, maybe it’s time to start a new tradition.
Frasier: But I’ve had new stockings loomed for everyone. Now, there, you see! You made me spoil the surprise. And did no one hear me say that I have ordered a Hungarian goose?!
Niles: Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place.
Frasier: It’s not my date! It’s dinner! Honestly, Niles. I’m really quite affronted by this.
Daphne: If it means this much to him, why don’t just let him keep it?
Niles: No! No. There is no reason why just this once we can’t host Christmas at the Montana. Frasier’s just being a churl!
Frasier: You’re the churl!
Marty: You’re both a couple of churls! How about a compromise? Say, morning at one house, afternoon at the other.
Daphne: Well, that’s a wonderful idea. But who gets morning, and who gets afternoon?
Niles and Frasier: Morning!
Daphne: I think Niles said it first.

Frasier gasps.

Frasier: Dad, who do you think said it first?
Marty: I’m sick of everything being a contest between you two.
Frasier: All right then, Dad, you decide where we’re having Christmas.
Niles: I’m fine with that.
Marty: All right, I will. I need a few days to think about it. In the mean time decision-making is thirsty work. Sure could use a beer.
Niles: Oh, I’ll get it.

Niles hurries to the kitchen.

Frasier: No! No! I’ll get it!

Frasier runs to the kitchen too. With the two gone, Marty turns to Daphne and smiles slyly.

Marty: A little trick their mom taught me.

Roz Doyle is at the mall helping out with Santa’s Toy Drive.

Santa: Don’t worry, Margie, you don’t need a chimney. Santa always finds a way in. You have a Merry Christmas now.
Margie: Thank you, Santa.
Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho!

Frasier Crane arrives at the mall.

Frasier: Roz! Hello.
Roz: Ooh! Hi, Frasier. Listen, when I’m at the North Pole, my name is Snowflake.
Frasier: It’s a little on the nose, isn’t it?

Roz chuckles. Frasier chuckles too.

Frasier: Anyway, here. I thought I’d drop off a donation for the toy drive.

Frasier Crane hands Roz Doyle a wrapped gift.

Roz: Thank you very much. Is this for us too?

Frasier looks at the contents of his paper bag.

Frasier: Uh, no, no. Actually, this is another dancing Santa for Dad. His other one got damaged.
Roz: I thought you threw that thing off the balcony.
Frasier: Yes, which damaged it.

Santa Claus is talking to another young girl.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Well, Polly, what would you like Santa to bring you?
Twinkle: He wouldn’t have to bring me anything. Just show up.
Roz: Back-off, Twinkle. I saw him first.

Twinkle, the elf, walks away.

Frasier: What’s this? Do I sense a little office romance here at Santa’s Workshop?

Roz Doyle laughs.

Roz: Well, I wouldn’t mind. His name is Rick, and he’s so sweet.
Frasier: Let me guess—he’s also a hunk.
Roz: Well, I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen him without his Santa get-up yet, but based on those eyes, there’s definite potential.

Twinkle returns to the sleigh near where Roz and Frasier are chatting.

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa needs his favorite helper elf.
Roz: Ooh, see that, I’m his favorite.
Twinkle: Down Snowflake. I’ve got this one.
Roz: Okay, Twinkle, you go ahead.

Roz gasps.

Roz: Oh, no, is that a zit?

Twinkle touches her cheek. Roz makes her way to Santa.
Frasier Crane is already at Café Nervosa when Roz Doyle arrives.

Frasier: Oh…Snowflake.
Roz: Oh.
Frasier: Over here. Hehehe!
Roz: Hi. I just got back from the costume shop. I had to get my toes re-curled.
Frasier: Ah, yes. Which reminds me…how are things with Mr. Claus?
Roz: Oh, well, I haven’t had a chance to ask him out yet.
Frasier: What’s the matter? Low elf-esteem?

Roz doesn’t laugh.

Roz: How long have you been waiting to say that?
Frasier: Two days. I almost called you.

Frasier chuckles. He stops at the sight of Niles and Marty.

Frasier: What’s this? Niles with Dad.

Niles Crane wipes the chair for Marty.

Frasier: I knew it.
Roz: Oh, you guys aren’t still fighting about Christmas.
Frasier: He’s fighting I’m not fighting.
Roz: Well, what is the big deal? Why don’t you let him have Christmas?
Frasier: Because it’s just so unfair.
Roz: What’s not fair?
Frasier: Oh, you wouldn’t understand.
Roz: Well, come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.
Frasier: It’s just so egregious.
Roz: Smaller words.
Frasier: I don’t know. Okay, look, it just seems that Niles is systematically emptying my home. We used to have Thanksgiving dinner there…gone. Daphne…gone! If I let him have Christmas, I’ll have nothing left. Just end up some doddering old bachelor. Sipping tea and keeping the apartment at a balmy 78 degrees!
Roz: And how is that different from now?
Frasier: Excuse me, I smell skullduggery afoot.

Frasier Crane walks over to Marty and Niles.

Frasier: Hey, Dad.
Marty: Hey, Fras.

Marty is admiring the gift Niles gave him.

Frasier: New thermos? Niles, I never thought you’d stoop so low.
Niles: I have no idea what you’re talking about. Just buying Dad some coffee before driving him to work.
Frasier: You are trying to bribe Dad to have Christmas at your place.
Niles: Oh, and what about you buying him the dancing Santa? A surprising gift considering you threw his last one off the balcony.

Marty gasps.

Marty: You did what? That Santa never did anything to hurt you. All he ever did was dance and try to make people happy.
Frasier: Yes, yes. All right, Dad.
Marty: Why’d you do it?
Frasier: All right!
Niles: Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
Frasier: Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you. Copernicus called, and you are not the center of the universe!
Marty: All right, you two. Knock it off.
Niles: Let’s just settle this now. Sit down. Dad, make your decision.
Marty: You know, I’m really disappointed in you guys. I thought if I gave you a little time you’d be mature enough to work this out on your own.
Frasier: Well, you were wrong!
Marty: All right, you know what? I just made my decision. I’m working Christmas. Jimmy Daley asked me to take his shift, and I’m going to do it because he’ll be happier with his family than I am with mine!

Marty Crane puts on his cap.

Frasier: Oh, Dad, you can’t be serious.

Marty Crane gets up his chair.

Niles: No, no, wa—wait. Just calm down, and discuss this rationally.
Marty: No, it’s too late! And you don’t need to drive me to work, I’ll call a cab.

Marty Crane makes his way to the door.

Marty: I hope you two are happy! You’ve ruined Christmas!

The people at Café Nervosa all look at Frasier and Niles Crane.

Man: What a jerk!

The people start booing at Frasier and Niles. The waiter with the antlers turn to the two.

Waiter: Not nice.

Frasier and Niles arrive at the building where Marty works.

Frasier: Dad, uh, Niles and I would like to apologize. It was untoward of us to argue over where to have Christmas.
Niles: Ou—our conduct was self-absorbed and boorish. Not that we deserve it, but please accept our apologies.
Marty: Apologies accepted.
Frasier: Oh, thank you, Dad. So, you’ll have Christmas with us?
Marty: Oh, I’m afraid I can’t. I promised Jimmy I’d work, and I can’t go back on it.
Frasier: When do you start?
Marty: Six a.m., twelve-hour shift. It’s double time, so I’m not complaining.
Niles: No, that’s the whole day.

Another security guard walks over to Marty.

Jerry: Marty, I need you to let maintenance into the electrical closet on seven.
Marty: Will do. See you boys later.

Marty leaves his desk.

Frasier: Bye, Dad.
Niles: Wow.

Niles sighs.

Frasier: Christmas without Dad.
Niles: It just won’t be…Christmas.
Frasier: I know. He’s always the first one under the tree. Mom always said the she was his biggest kid, because he could never wait to open his presents.

Niles chuckles.

Niles: Oh, he always puts on a brave face, but I know he especially misses Mom at Christmas.
Frasier: Niles…where is it written that we have to have Christmas at either of our homes?
Niles: The Thanksgiving Accord of 2002.
Frasier: No, no. What I’m saying is, since Dad has to work, why can’t we bring the holiday to him?
Niles: You mean…just show up and surprise him? I like that. We can bring all our gifts, and food!
Frasier: Oh, better yet, what if the gifts were already here.
Niles: But…
Frasier: Here’s what I’m thinking.
Niles: All right.

Frasier Crane walks closer to the Christmas tree at the building’s lobby. Niles follows him.

Frasier: Take the gifts that are here, put them under the tree at my house. Get the real gifts, and bring them here, all unbeknownst to Dad.
Niles: Brilliant.
Frasier: Can’t you just see us casually stopping by on Christmas morning? “Hello, Dad, Merry Christmas. Oh, it’s such a shame that you have to spend Chri…Hello. What’s this I spy? A present for Martin?”

Niles imitates his dad.

Niles: “That’s not for me, those are fake.”
Frasier: “Well, here’s another one. And one for Niles, and one for Daphne.”
Niles: “Oh, geez, it’s a miracle.”
Frasier: Oh, Niles, it’ll be the best Christmas we ever had.
Niles: Look, I’m getting goose bumps.
Frasier: Oh, no, Niles, that’s your pine rash. You’re too close to the tree.

Frasier ushers his brother away from the tree. Niles starts scratching behind his ear.
Daphne and Roz are at Café Nervosa when a man (Dean Cain) walks over to Roz.

Man: Hey…hi, Roz.

Roz just looks at the man.

Man: It’s me, Rick.
Roz: Oh, my God, Rick, I didn’t even recognize you.
Rick: Uh, Roz and I volunteer down at the mall together.
Roz: Rick plays Santa. Daphne, this is Rick. Rick, Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, Roz has told me all about you. Would you like to join us?
Rick: I’d love to, but I have to get back to my day job.
Daphne: Oh, what do you do?
Rick: I’m an investment banker. Could you excuse me for one second?

Rick walks towards the counter.

Daphne: Wow, Roz, you never told me he was so gorgeous.
Roz: Oh, I’ve never seen him out of his costume before.
Daphne: He’s successful and he’s got great taste. Those shoes…Enrico Zaglionis.

Roz looks at Daphne perplexed.

Daphne: Niles is teachine me.

Rick returns to Roz and Daphne’s table, now with a drink in his hand.

Rick: Very nice to meet you, Daphne. I’ll see you tonight, Roz? Maybe we can take our break together. I snuck a bottle of Schnapps into my locker.
Roz: Yeah…maybe.
Rick: Something wrong? You don’t like Schnapps?
Roz: No! No, it’s just so strange to see you without your beard. You really should grow one. It’ll make your eyes twinkle.
Rick: Ah, I tried once. It kind of came in in tufts. I looked like a dog on Rogaine.

All three laugh. Rick continues laughing while Roz and Daphne already stopped.

Roz: What was that?
Rick: I laughed.
Roz: That’s your laugh?
Rick: Yeha.
Roz: Wow, at the mall, it’s so booming.
Rick: I know. I hate that. It really kills my throat.

Rick turns to Daphne.

Rick: Very nice to meet you.
Daphne: Bye-bye.
Rick: I’ll see you later.
Roz: Bye.

Rick leaves.

Daphne: Why are you being so weird? He seems perfect.
Roz: I don’t know. Just wasn’t what I was expecting. Something’s missing.
Daphne: Like what?
Roz: I don’t know. You know what? At the mall, he has all this warmth, and he’s got this jolly sense of humor. Oh, you should see him when he laughs. His whole stomach shakes.
Daphne: Oh my God, you’re in love with Santa Claus.
Roz: No, I’m not.
Daphne: Well, it makes sense when you think about it. Santa’s the perfect man. He’s a good listener, he likes to travel, gives great presents.
Roz: Give me a break.
Daphne: Admit it. You want the jelly belly.

Daphne chuckles.

Roz: Okay, don’t be gross.

Roz gets up her chair getting ready to leave.

Daphne: You want to bang boots with the big boy.

Daphne laughs. Roz puts on her coat.

Roz: I got to get back to work.
Daphne: You want to get your paws on the Claus, is more like it.

Daphne laughs. She gets up her chair, and takes her coat, and purse.

Roz: Stop it, Daphne. That’s enough!
Daphne: One more. You’re a ho, ho, ho!

At the house, Eddie wearing a flannel shirt drinks from a bowl. Marty, also wearing a flannel shirt, drink his eggnog.

Marty: Ah!

Frasier walks to the living room.

Frasier: Dad! What are you doing still sitting there? I told you ten minutes ago that we were going out for some Christmas Eve ice cream.
Marty: Oh, I changed my mind. Eddie and I are too bloated from the nog.
Frasier: Well, then, maybe we should, uh, take Eddie and walk it off. Come on, Mister, let’s go.

Frasier walks over to the front door, and takes his keys.

Marty: No, got to be up early tomorrow morning for work. Could sure use something to nibble on though.

Niles Crane carrying boxes of presents opens the front door. Daphne who is also carrying several boxes is right behind him.

Frasier: No, no, no, no, no!

Frasier pushes him away.

Niles: Stop pushing. Stop pushing.

Frasier steps out the door.

Frasier: Listen, Dad’s still here. I couldn’t get rid of him. You’ll have to come back in an hour.
Niles: No, no, no, we can’t do that. The maintenance man in Dad’s building was so nervous about us taking these out of the lobby, I promised him we’d have our real gifts back under his tree by ten o’clock.
Frasier: All right, what we need is a really good distraction. I’ll tell you what. Knock when you’ve thought of one.

Frasier rushes back inside. Marty comes out of the kitchen and sees him.

Marty: What were you doing out there?
Frasier: Nothing. Thought I heard the door knock.

There’s a knock on the door, and Frasier is startled.

Marty: Hey, that’s pretty good.

Frasier opens the door. Daphne enters.

Frasier: Oh. Hello, guys. Dad, look who it is. It’s Niles and Daphne.
Marty: I see ‘em.
Frasier: So, what brings you two here?
Niles: Good question, Frasier. Daphne?
Daphne: I need your father’s help with a present, and that’s what we’re doing here.
Niles: Exactly. Yes.

Daphne runs towards Marty.

Daphne: Come on, Martin. We can do this in my old room.
Marty: No problem.

Daphne runs towards her old room. Marty follows.

Niles: Okay, now.

Niles runs towards the Christmas tree.

Niles: Real presents go out in the hall by the door. Fake presents under the tree.

Niles picks up several gifts.

Frasier: Niles, did you notice my Christmas village? Would you like to see smoke waft out of the cobbler’s chimney?

Niles rushes out the door.

Niles: Uh, maybe later.

Niles puts down the real presents, and picks up the fake ones.

Niles: Frasier, I have to warn you. These prop boxes are heavy. Some idiot weighed them down with bricks.

Frasier takes a couple of real presents.

Frasier: Just our luck we get the only method lobby decorator in all of Seattle.

Frasier puts down the real presents next to the fake ones, and takes the real presents that Niles put down.

Frasier: How much time do you think Daphne can buy us with Dad?

Frasier returns to the house. Niles makes his way out bringing with him a couple more real presents.

Niles: Not much. They’re just putting batteries in the digital camera we’re giving you.

Niles cringes upon realizing his mistake.

Niles: Act surprised.
Frasier: Right.

Niles steps out of the house. Daphne speaks loudly.

Daphne: I said I’d get them.

Daphne rushes out the room. Marty follows her.

Marty: You’d never find them. How could you ask me to put batteries in, and not bring any batteries?

Niles enters carrying boxes of presents. Marty gasps.

Marty: Now, boys, you know the rules. No shaking the presents.
Frasier: You see, Niles, I told you.

Niles begins shaking the presents.

Frasier: You see, Niles, I told you.
Daphne: Found them. Let’s go.

Marty makes his way back to the room. Frasier speaks under his breath.

Frasier: Daphne. No more surprises.
Daphne: Oh, you mean like finding your father here when the apartment’s supposed to be empty?
Frasier: Well. You can blame that on the nog.

Niles rushes out with a couple more presents. Daphne returns to the room.

Niles: Frasier, I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight.

Niles picks up the last pile of fake presents.

Niles: I feel like I’m ten years old.

Niles brings the fake presents inside the house.

Frasier: Only this time we had the merry task of being Santa.

Frasier makes his way out the apartment with a couple more boxes. Frasier sets down the presents, and takes a couple of boxes that Niles took out. He returns inside.

Frasier: Niles, I’m so sorry that we almost ruined Christmas.
Niles: Stop.
Frasier: What?
Niles: Stop. I just took that from under the tree.
Frasier: NO, you didn’t.
Niles: Yes, I did. I know, ‘cause that’s real, and all the fake ones are out in the pile by the door.
Frasier: By the elevator door?
Niles: No! By the apartment door. That’s where all the fake ones are.
Frasier: Great. Now what do we do?
Niles: Oh, here all right. You take these.

Niles sets down the boxes he’s carrying.

Niles: Give me these.

Niles takes the boxes from Frasier, while he takes the boxes that Niles put down.

Frasier: What are we?
Niles: Where do we go?
Frasier: How the hell should I know?

Marty is on his way to the living room.

Marty: That’s a flat head and I need a Phillips head.

Niles and Frasier both put the boxes they are carrying under the tree.

Niles: See, I told you if you rearrange them they’d look fuller.
Frasier: Yes, yes. I see what you mean, Niles. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Marty: Wow, looks like twice as many. Uh, put them back the way they were and show me how you did that.

Daphne rushes out of the kitchen.

Daphne: Got the Phillips! Let’s go.

Marty walks back to the room. Daphne glares at Frasier and Niles for not yet finishing the task.

Niles: He could be an assassin in those slippers.
Daphne: Are you two going to switch the presents or are you going to stand around arguing about whose Christmas village is bigger?

Frasier gasps.

Frasier: I knew it. You didn’t compliment mine, because you have one, too.
Niles: I didn’t compliment yours, because yours is so poorly laid out.
Frasier: All right, we don’t have time for this. Now, which ones are which?
Niles: I’ve got it all organized. Here, take them out.
Frasier: Are you sure?
Niles: Yes, absolutely. These are the real ones. These go to Dad, out in the hall, and we’ll take them together.
Frasier: Fine, all right.
Niles: Good. Good.
Frasier: Ok, you go. Fine.

Frasier let’s Niles pass.

Niles: And then, here…now we’re all set.
Frasier: All right.

Niles takes the boxes that Frasier is carrying.

Niles: All the fake ones are under the tree.
Frasier: Yes, you put those in the elevator. I’ll tell Daphne the coast is clear.
Niles: Ok.

Frasier closes the door. Daphne walks out of the room.

Daphne: Do you have any idea how much I paid for that?

Marty follows her out.

Marty: Well, it’s not my fault. Those little plastic hinges snap off if you look at them.
Daphne: Now what am I supposed to give as a gift now?
Marty: Oh, stop crying. Just put a little duct tape on, it’ll be good as new.
Daphne: It was new!

Upset Daphne goes to the kitchen.

Frasier: Here, Daphne, I’ll help you find the tape.

Frasier runs to the kitchen. Eddie who is by the front door barks.

Marty: What’s the matter, Boy? Too much eggnog, huh?

Marty chuckles.

Marty: Okay.

Marty takes his coat.

Marty: Hey, Daph…be sure and use the silver duct tape not the brown. The silver will match the camera. Oop. I mean, uh, the present. I’m taking Eddie for a walk.
Frasier: Wait! Dad!

Frasier runs out of the kitchen.

Frasier: I’ll do that. You should just relax!
Marty: No, that’s all right. I need the fresh air.

Marty opens the door. Niles is outside carrying presents.

Marty: Oh! What’s this? More presents? Is this why you were trying to keep me busy back there?
Niles: Yes.

Marty laughs.

Marty: Oh. Well, you didn’t need to do that. Bring ‘em on in. Frasier, give your brother a hand.
Frasier: Ha!

Niles brings the presents back inside the apartment, while Frasier picks up the rest.

Marty: Mix them all up so it’ll look fuller.

--MERRY CHRISTMAS, STEVE!—

The doorbell rings. Frasier answers the door.

Frasier: Merry Christmas!
Niles and Daphne: Merry Christmas!

Frasier gives Daphne a kiss on the cheek.

Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Hi.

The two brothers hug.

Frasier: So, how are you?
Niles: Well, tired and a little poorer. I had to bribe the maintenance man at Dad’s building to get him to stay late. Oh, which reminds me, on your next show, you have to give something called a “shout-out” to a Steve Gomez.
Frasier: Right.

Frasier puts on his coat.

Daphne: This is so exciting. I can’t see the look on your father’s face when we go over there, and surprise him.

Frasier laughs.
Marty Crane in his robe enters the living.

Marty: Merry Christmas!

Daphne, Niles, and Frasier are all shocked.

Frasier: Dad…uh, what are you doing here?
Niles: Yeah, aren’t you supposed to be at work?
Marty: Oh, the boss called. I don’t have to go in. Seems he was feeling guilty about my missing Christmas with my family.

Marty walks over to the Christmas tree to check the presents. He picks up one.

Marty: Ooh, heavy. This must be a good one unless it’s a book.
Daphne: But who’s covering the desk?
Marty: Nobody. She’s shut down tight till tomorrow. Now, I have just enough patience to wait for cocoa before I start tearing into these.

The three fall silent.

Niles: Um..Dad…?
Marty: Don’t tell me there’s no cocoa?

Daphne, Niles, Marty, and Frasier knock on the building’s locked glass door.

Daphne: Hello? Hello?!
Niles: You’d think there’d be a custodian or someone in there.
Marty: Ah, I knew it was a long shot. There won’t be anybody in till tomorrow morning.
Frasier: Sorry, Dad.
Marty: Oh, forget it. That was a really sweet gesture. Would’ve been terrific, but…I’ve already received my gift.
Frasier: You know. We could throw a brick through the glass, but they’re all wrapped up under our tree.

The next morning, the building’s finally open. Niles, Daphne, Frasier and Marty sit by the Christmas tree to give each other their presents. Marty hands Daphne her gift, and she opens it with delight. The others admire the gifts they receive as employees that work in the building pass by. Marty removes his coat, and resumes his work as the building’s security guard.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “We Two Kings” episode was written by Patricia Breen. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.


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