Roz Doyle is pouring champagne in a glass. She, Marty and Frasier prepare for Nile’s first visit after his heart surgery.
Roz: So, what’s the plan? Are we going to turn off the lights, and jump out and yell surprise?
Frasier: Oh, yes, Roz. Let’s startle a man who just had open-heart surgery. Sorry, I can’t get used to thinking of Niles as sick.
Marty: Oh, Niles is great. All these exercises he’s doing, he’s going to be just as strong as he ever was.
The front door opens.
Daphne: Here’s the guest of honor.
Niles Crane steps inside Frasier’s house.
Frasier: Niles, good to see you out and about.
Niles and Frasier hug. Gertrude Moon steps inside, and Daphne closes the door behind her.
Frasier: You look great!
Roz runs to give Niles a hug.
Roz: You look great!
Niles: Thank you! Thank you! I’ll tell you it’s good to be out after being cooped up in that apartment all week.
Niles looks at Eddie who has come to welcome him too.
Niles gives him a pat on the head.
Niles: I never thought I’d grow tired of reading Flaubert.
Gertrude: Oh, please. He’s been parked on his ass watching “The Young and the Restless”.
Frasier: Niles! Not the soaps! You can’t be serious.
Niles: Well, I’m hardly hooked. They fascinate me as cultural artifact. I was just telling Gertrude. Their use of stock figures is reminiscent of the commedia dell’arte. Esther is Punchinello, Victor is Flavio, and Nicki, well, she’s just the town pump.
Gertrude: Now do you see why I need my own telly, Daphne?
Daphne: You have your own telly in Manchester.
Roz Doyle carries a tray of champagne.
Frasier: Here’s champagne and sparkling cider for you Niles, and help yourself to brunch whenever you’re ready.
Marty: Word to the wise, stay away from the sausage.
Frasier: They’re not sausages, Dad. They’re soysages. Niles is on a post-operative diet. We are trying to support him.
Marty: Oh, sorry.
Marty holds up a strip of bacon.
Marty: What about the bacon?
Marty takes a bite.
Marty looks like he’s about to throw up.
Niles: Hey, everyone, I’d like to propose a toast.
They all stand up.
Niles: Uh, to my family and friends, your love and support have been overwhelming.
Daphne: Oh, Niles.
Niles: You know, uh, during my operation I was technically dead for several minutes.
Marty: Yes, we know, son. You told us.
Niles: But it gave me a fresh perspective on everything. It took a brush with death to remind me how lucky I am to be alive. And Gertrude, thank you for giving up the guest bedroom so that I don’t have to climb all those stairs.
Gertrude: Oh, no, I’m happy to sleep on that sofa bed with the hard metal frame.
Daphne: You have a nice, soft bed in Manchester.
Niles: O—kay, Daphne, it’s okay. Her bracing honesty reminds me that I’m alive!
Niles turns to his mother-in-law, Gertrude Moon.
Niles: You, you…oh, you!
Niles gives Gertrude a hug.
Niles: You are a treasure to me. I cherish every day we’re together.
Gertrude: Oh, thank you, Niles.
Gertrude gives Niles a hug.
Gertrude: There may be others around here who could benefit from a near-death experience.
Frasier: Well, let’s eat before the fake-un loses its shape.
Everybody except Roz and Marty walk over to the dining table. Roz goes over to Marty.
Roz: Wow, Niles is really loving life with a vengeance.
Marty: Oh, I was the same way after I got shot. First day back at the precinct I went around hugging all the guys telling them all I loved ‘em.
Roz: How long did that last?
Marty: Until they started calling me “Martina”.
Roz: It is kind of weird seeing Niles so lovey-dovey with Mrs. Moon.
Marty: Believe me, when you’re in that state you can find something to love even in the biggest jerk.
Niles: Roz, I want to tell you, you are a treasure. Maybe I don’t say it often enough, but you are.
Marty turns to Roz to say something.
Roz: Shut up, Martina.
The next day, Frasier Crane steps inside Café Nervosa humming. He sees Roz Doyle, and joins her table.
Frasier continues humming.
Roz: I know that song.
Frasier: Yes, Mozart’s “Symphony Number 40”. Molto allegro. I’ve just bought this new recording for Niles. It is fantastic. I’ve never heard such string articulation.
Roz: Oh, I remember what it is. It’s that commercial with the singing cats.
Roz starts to sing.
Roz: “If your cat has a yearning for tuna da-da-da-da-da-da, ocean buffet…da-da-da” One of the cats was wearing a tiny tuxedo.
Frasier: Good. So few cats dress for the symphony anymore.
Daphne Moon and Niles Crane arrive.
Daphne: Frasier, Roz.
Frasier: Oh, hi guys!
Daphne: Guess who just walked a mile on the treadmill?
Roz: Oh, way to go, Niles!
Niles: The doctor says he’s in the 95th percentile of patients recovering from bypass surgery.
Frasier: 95th percentile! That’s wonderful, Niles.
Niles: Well, now, Frasier. Good health is not a competition. When you’ve heard time’s winged chariot hurrying near as I have, every day is a gift.
Niles notices the CD that Frasier bought.
Niles: Oh, yoiks! What tone-deaf prankster gave you this?
Frasier: You’ve heard it?
Niles: Well, as much as I could bear. Did you hear what the conductor did to the andante? I just hope he bought it dinner first.
Frasier: Huh, well, huh, I couldn’t agree more, Niles.
Roz: Frasier, you said you loved that CD.
Frasier: Well, Niles has convinced me, otherwise.
Daphne: You know, I’m in the mood for a scone. Help me pick one out.
Niles: All right.
Daphne pulls Niles to the counter.
Roz: That was weird.
Frasier: I’ll say. Who can’t pick up their own scone?
Roz: No. I mean you, and Niles. Usually that would have been a two-hour argument ending in tears and cursing in Italian.
Frasier: I’m afraid those days are over, Roz.
Roz: What happened?
Frasier: Well, it’s a long story. Okay, when Niles was in the hospital, and he was being wheeled into surgery…he looked so frail and vulnerable. So, I took my case to a higher power.
Flashback: An orderly pushes Niles mobile bed out of the hospital bedroom. Frasier turns his eyes to God.
Frasier: Hello, God. It’s me, Dr. Frasier Crane. Though I don’t talk to you as often as perhaps I should I want to thank you for all the times you’ve indulged me in the past. Although, I have yet to see the inside of the Empire Club.
Frasier in his mind chuckles.
Frasier: Just kidding. Anyway, today I ask you to look after my brother, Niles Crane. I love him, even I don’t always show it. And I regret all the time he and I wasted in petty quarrels. If you spare him, oh, Lord, I promise to cherish every moment we have together.
Back at Café Nervosa, Roz listens to Frasier’s explanation.
Roz: But, Frasier, you don’t think God is going to strike Niles down if you get in an argument, do you?
Frasier: Well, technically, the way it’s structured he’d come after me seeing as how I was the one that initiated the deal, you see? If I’d had more time, I might have worded things differently, but…
Niles and Daphne are still at the counter.
Niles: Oh, oh, let’s get this to go. My soap starts in twenty minutes. Ashley might come out of her coma today.
Daphne: You know, since your recovery is going so well maybe we should check you out make sure all your equipment’s working properly.
Niles: You’re not talking about my exercise bicycle, are you?
Daphne: The doctor said it would be okay. If you need a second opinion maybe Nurse Naughty could make a house call.
Niles: I could use a check-up, but I think we should err on the side of caution. In a few weeks, I have another stress test.
The waiter hands Daphne and Niles their order.
Niles: Thank you.
Niles turns to Daphne.
Niles: And if all goes well, Nurse Naughty will be one satisfied healthcare professional.
Niles and Daphne make their way out the café. They turn to Roz and Frasier.
Niles: See you.
Daphne: Bye, bye.
Frasier: Oh, bye, guys.
Roz: Oh, Niles, wait. Frasier says he thinks the string articulation is really good.
Niles: In this?
Niles holds up the CD that Frasier bought.
Niles: Frasier, you know I hold your opinion in highest regard, but are you nuts?
Frasier: Perhaps, I am, Niles. Thank you.
Niles: Maybe you just need to get your hearing checked.
Frasier: I’ll do that. Thank you, Niles.
Niles yells at Frasier.
Niles: I’ll see you later!
Frasier just laughs.
Frasier: Very amusing. I get it.
--WEEKS LATER (AND ASHLEY’S STILL IN A COMA)—
Irritated Frasier Crane arrives at his house followed by Niles.
Niles: Oh, oh, here they are. Frasier, Frasier, tell them what you told me.
Frasier: Freud is the poor man’s Jung.
Niles: I never thought I’d live to see the day. Perhaps this is why I was spared.
Daphne: Niles, how was your stress test?
Niles: Oh, uh, the doctor cleared me to return to normal food, and regular physical activity.
Daphne: Oh, Darling, that’s wonderful.
Daphne Moon gives her husband a hug.
Daphne: Yes, yes. In moderation, of course.
Marty: Congratulations, Son.
Frasier: You know, perhaps now Niles we can get back to the squash courts.
Niles: Oh, I don’t think so.
Frasier: But the doctor said it was okay.
Niles: Yeah, but shouldn’t there be more to life than competition for useless bragging rights?
Frasier: Ha! You didn’t think they were useless three months ago when you won. You bragged for three months.
Niles: I’ve changed a lot since then. The point is that I have roses to stop and smell.
Frasier: I see. So, let me get this straight. You’re going to give up squash and smell roses.
Niles: Poor Frasier. I hope that you don’t have to go through what I did in order to become as wise as I have.
Daphne: You can still be wise and play squash, darling.
Marty: Yeah, Dapne’s right. Go out, have some fun.
Niles: But I am having fun, since my incident, birds sing more sweetly. The sky is so much bluer.
Frasier: Niles, it has rained every day this week.
Niles: I see rain differently, too.
Frasier: You know, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s something I’ve been thinking about.
There is a loud thunderclap. Frasier falls silent.
Niles: You were saying, Frasier?
Frasier Crane is doing his radio show.
Man: Hey, Dr. Crane. Well, my grandmother died a couple of weeks ago, and I feel bad because I never told her how much she meant to me.
Frasier: Well, my heart certainly goes out to you. Grieving is difficult enough without those unresolved…
Roz: Frasier, I’m sorry to interrupt, but we have Dr. Niles Crane on line two.
Frasier: I’m sure you all remember my brother Niles…from our last segment. I’m sure all my listeners join me in hoping he can get back to work real soon.
Niles: Thank you, Frasier. I just thought I’d add the perspective of one who has ducked the scythe of the Grim Reaper.
Frasier: By all means. Go ahead, Niles.
Frasier Crane takes off his headset.
Niles: Your grandmother knows how you feel.
Frasier walks over the inflated clown he has in his booth.
Niles: When I was briefly dead, the overriding feeling I had.
Frasier punches the inflatable clown.
Niles: Was the love of my family and friends.
Frasier throws another punch, and knocks he clown down.
Man: Wow, so I shouldn’t feel bad?
Niles: Certainly not. Get out there and live your life, Grant. Carpe that diem.
Frasier Crane puts on his headset.
Niles: Isn’t that right, Frasier?
Frasier: I couldn’t agree more, Niles. We’ll be right back after traffic.
Frasier Crane removes his headset once again, and walks over to the inflatable clown. He picks up the clown and repeatedly beats it.
Roz: I’m beginning to regret betting on the clown.
Frasier: Roz, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I just lie in bed awake at night mentally arguing with Niles. And I win every time!
Roz: Frasier, this is insane. Do you really think something bad is gonna happen if you break your deal with God?
Frasier: Oh, of course not. Well, maybe a little. I don’t know. Roz, my brother could have died. I can’t be ungrateful to whatever higher power may have spared him.
Roz: I—I just can’t imagine that God would be upset…
Frasier: Oh, he’s God, Roz! Have you read the Old Testament? He can be ruthless!
Roz: Traffic’s done. You’re on in five!
Roz rushes back to her booth. Frasier Crane returns to his seat, and puts his headset on.
Frasier: Welcome back, Seattle. Oh, I see we have someone on line two. Go ahead, caller, I’m listening.
Niles: Still me, Frasier. Say, I had some thoughts about your advice to Cynthia from Tacoma.
Frasier once again removes his headset, and walks over to the clown.
Niles: Speaking as one who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death.
Frasier grabs the clown by the head.
Niles: Cynthia, I think diet and exercise.
Frasier beats the inflatable clown to death.
Niles: Should take care of your problems. Nothing like a good fat-free muffin.
Frasier picks up the phone receiver, and starts beating the inflatable clown with it.
Later, Frasier Crane drops by Niles’ house.
Frasier: Hi Daph, I’m here for Niles.
Daphne: He’s at your place. He said you were meeting him there for dinner.
Frasier: Well, I specifically told him I would pick him up here. Ugh.
Frasier: It’s not bad enough he usurps my radio show.
Daphne goes over to the coffee table that’s filled with canned goods.
Frasier: What are you doing?
Daphne: Oh, you’ll think I’m silly, but I’m donating food to the poor.
Frasier: Why would I think that’s silly? What does that say about me?
Daphne: No, I was just going to say…
Frasier: I do my bit for charity, you know. You have no idea how many vacations I’ve bought at silent auctions.
Daphne: No, that’s not it. You see, when I found out Niles needed heart surgery I felt so scared and helpless. So, I kind of made a vow that if he came out okay I would spend more time helping the less fortunate.
Frasier: A vow? You mean like a promise to God?
Daphne: I know, it must sound absurd to you, a man of science.
Frasier: No, no. Now, when exactly did you make this promise?
Daphne: The night before his surgery.
Frasier: The night before, you say. Interesting, uh, you say Niles is at my place?
Frasier: Excuse me. Keep up the good work.
Frasier Crane leaves. Gertrude Moon enters the living room.
Gertrude: Ooh, what’s all this?
Daphne: Food for the poor.
Gertrude: Oh, must be nice to be poor, and have people just giving you food. Daphne, you were up awfully late last night.
Daphne: Yeah, I was watching television.
Gertrude: Were you? Or was that husband of yours sneaking upstairs to demand you perform your wifely chore?
Daphne: Huh, I wish. He’s still not ready to be in the same bed with me.
Gertrude: He’s rich, and you don’t have to sleep with him? Rub it in, why don’t you?
Daphne: I know he’s trying to ease back into things, but it’s been weeks since the doctor said he was okay.
Gertrude: Well, isn’t it obvious? The poor thing’s probably not feeling very attractive. He’s all skinny and pale, and now he has that scar, too.
Daphne: I don’t think that’s it, Mum. I just think he’s scared, and I understand that. But how long are we gonna go on like this?
Gertrude: until you stop babying him.
Daphne: I’m not babying him. I’m just giving him the time he needs.
Gertrude: Oh, piffle. What he needs is a swift kick in the bum. Look, you’ve got to seduce him. Use your feminine wiles. That’s how your brother Billy landed Kevin.
Daphne: Well, sharing a cell helped. You know, maybe I’ll give that a try. When Niles walks into that guest room tonight I’ll have a surprise waiting for him…candles, soft music, a negligee…nothing too sexy. We don’t want to strain his heart.
Gertrude: There’s nothing wrong with your ego.
Daphne: Thanks for the advice, Mum.
Gertrude: My pleasure, Love. Oh, and since you and Niles will be in the guest room I’ll sleep in your room tonight. No sense in letting that king-size bed go to waste.
Daphne: This time use a coaster when you take your teeth out.
Niles and Marty are watching a video.
Marty: Stop the tape.
Niles pauses the video.
Marty: Who’s he again?
Niles: That’s Diego the illegitimate son of Sonya LaFontaine. He joined the army to avenge the death of his brother. Although, frankly, I’m a little worried about him. I’m not sure he’s fighting this war for the right reasons.
Marty: Hey, you want some of this fancy dessert? It must be really good, because Frasier told me not to touch it.
Niles: Uh, uh. No, thanks. I brought some of these tasty rye flats in case I…in case I feel peckish.
Niles pulls out his snack from his bag.
Marty: They look like wood. I thought your doctor cleared you to eat normal foods.
Niles: Well, he did. But, you know, I feel my tastes have gotten simpler, since I cheated death.
Niles takes a bite out of rye flats. He squirms in disgust.
Niles: It’s hard to explain.
Marty: Don’t need to explain to me, Son. I know what it’s like to cheat death.
Niles: That’s true. Although, I think I got a little closer than you did.
Marty: Oh, really? Well, let’s see. I got shot by a gun, and you ate a bunch of cheese.
Niles: I was clinically dead for several minutes. I looked death square in the eye.
Marty: Well, you may have looked him in the eye, but I shook his hand.
Niles: Really? Well, I kissed him on the cheek.
Marty: Well, I kissed him on the lips. Also, Death was a girl.
Niles: Dad, I don’t want to turn this into a competition. I’m just, uh, trying to embrace life to the fullest.
Marty: Oh, would you give it a rest.
Niles: Excuse me?
Marty: You haven’t embraced a damn thing. All you’re doing is yakking about feeling this and experiencing that. You’re not doing anything. You won’t go back to work, or play squash or eat any of your favorite foods.
Niles: I’m easing into things until I’m back to normal.
Marty: Well, the doctor says you’re there.
Niles: Well, I’m just being extra cautious.
Marty: Sounds to me like you’re afraid, Son.
Niles: Well, what if I am? Haven’t I earned the right to be afraid? I could have died.
Marty: I understand.
Marty: When I got out of the hospital, I was terrified to take a risk. Just didn’t want to leave the house. Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
Niles: I know my fears aren’t rational. I know my heart is sound. I feel fine, but I felt fine before this happened. How do I know that the same thing isn’t…
Marty: Well, you don’t know. That’s exactly what I came to realize. Life’s a crap shoot. We could all go at any time. That’s why we have to make the most of whatever time we’ve got. Like sands through the hourglass.
Niles and Marty: So are the days of our lives.
Niles: Okay, point taken. Thank you, Dad.
Niles makes his way to the coat rack.
Marty: Where are you going?
Niles: To live my life.
Marty: You forgot the rye flats.
Niles: No, I didn’t, Dad. No, I didn’t.
Marty: Well, you’re not leaving them here.
Frasier Crane waits for the elevator at his building. The elevator door opens, and a couple steps out.
Frasier: Good evening.
Frasier boards the elevator. He realizes that he is all alone.
Frasier: Hello, God, it’s me again, Dr. Frasier Crane. Listen, it seems that when we made our little arrangement there was another deal in place. Now, I’ve had some experience with double-booking, and I know that the person who books first always gets priority. So, as long as Daphne keeps up her end, which she is, to the letter, it seems our little arrangement would be rendered null and void. Ergo, I am now going to yell at my brother. Unless of course, you give me a sign.
Frasier Crane falls silent and waits for a sign, but nothing happens.
Frasier: Very well, then. This is gonna be sweet.
Frasier chuckles. The elevator dings. The door opens.
Niles: There you are. You’re 40 minutes late. Well, no matter. I have more important things to do.
Niles Crane boards the elevator. Frasier Crane holds the elevator door.
Frasier: Not so fast, Mister. You, Sir, have been insufferable for the past few weeks. It might enlighten you to know that your endless preaching has been nothing more than a thin cover for your fear of getting…
Niles: Yes, I know. I know, Dad just told me. And, and, he was right. I’ve been an ass lately. I am really sorry, but I have to go. My wife is waiting for me.
Niles Crane presses the elevator button.
Niles: Frankly, Frasier, I’m surprised you didn’t bring this up sooner.
The elevator door closes.
Frasier: But…huh. Well played, God.
Frasier Crane pulls out his house keys.
Frasier: I’ll see you at Easter.
Niles Crane rushes to his house. He hurriedly strips down his clothes, and runs up the stairs to the master’s bedroom. Seconds later, there is a high-pitched scream. Daphne Moon in a kinky nurse outfit rushes out the guest room. She turns on the lights. Niles jogs out of the master bedroom.
Daphne: Niles, what happened?
Niles Crane breathes heavily.
Daphne: Are you all right/
Niles: Yes. I just jumped into bed with your mother.
Daphne: Oh, dear. No wonder she screamed.
Niles: That wasn’t her.
Daphne: What were you doing in there?
Niles: I just…wanted to…take my wife in my arms, and show her how much I love her.
Daphne: Are you sure you’re ready?
Niles: Trust me, if my heart can take that it can take anything.
Niles Crane sweeps Daphne off her feet. He manages to carry his wife three steps then puts her down. Together, they walk to the guestroom.
The next day, Frasier Crane is at the radio station arguing with Roz. Irritated Roz makes her way to her booth. Frasier Crane puts on his headset then turns to Roz, but finds the inflatable clown sitting on Roz’ chair instead of her.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart (Part 3)” episode was written by Bob Daily. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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