Roz Doyle is at Fraser’s booth when Bulldog enters.
There is loud chattering outside caused by the rowdy radio station employees.
Bulldog: Roz, you missed the classic prank of all time. I’ll admit it, this was my masterpiece.
Roz: Oh, who, who, who? Who’d you get?!
Woman: Way to go, Bulldog.
Bulldog barks. Kenny arrives.
Kenny: There he is!
Bulldog and Kenny laugh, body slams then high fives each other.
Bulldog: I got this friend down at the impound lot who came across a smashed-up BMW—same make and model as Frasier’s.
Roz: You didn’t! You got Frasier!
Bulldog: I had his car towed from the garage. The wreck put in its place.
Kenny: The doc totally freaked when he saw it. First, he started swearing, then, then, he implored the heavens, and just when his lips started trembling Bulldog comes out, tells him it’s all a prank.
Roz Doyle laughs.
Bulldog: Hey, Bulldog observes the mercy rule. Besides I got the whole thing on tape.
Kenny, Bulldog and Roz laugh. Frasier Crane arrives, and Kenny rushes out the door while Roz quickly returns to her booth.
Bulldog: Admit it, Doc. I got you good. Come on.
Bulldog slaps Frasier’s behind.
Bulldog: Say it. Bulldog’s the best.
Frasier Crane sits without saying a single word.
Bulldog: Okay, okay, how about the bitch dance I taught you?
Bulldog snickers then laughs, but Frasier Crane just glares at him.
Bulldog: At least give me one up high.
Bulldog raises his hand, but Frasier Crane just turns him around, and forces him out the door.
Bulldog: Oh, come on. Don’t leave me hanging, Doc? Where’s your Halloween spirit?
Frasier Crane shoves Bulldog out the door, and closes the door. Bulldog returns with his hand still raised.
Bulldog: Don’t worry, it’ll be here waiting for you.
Frasier Crane enters Roz Doyle’s booth.
Frasier: For the record, I knew immediately it was not my car. Mine has a bumper sticker on it that says: “ I am pro-opera and I vote”.
Frasier Crane returns to his booth.
Roz: Frasier, you’ve got to admit it was clever.
Frasier Crane presses the intercom.
Frasier: I admit nothing! That is the last we shall discuss of it. We have a show to do.
Frasier Crane takes a seat, and begins his radio show.
Frasier: Good afternoon Seattle, and welcome to the Halloween edition of the Dr. Frasier Crane Show. Today, we will be discussing the topic of fears. Are they irrational hindrances or evolutionary tools. Hmm. The surprising answer…after these words.
Frasier Crane plays the tape for the commercials.
Frasier on Tape: My car! Oh, not my car!
Angry Frasier Crane looks at Roz Doyle.
Frasier: My baby!
Frasier Crane stops the tape. Bulldog with his hand still raised enters the booth.
Bulldog: Whenever you’re ready.
--IS IT OCTOBER 31ST AGAIN?—
The doorbell rings, and there is a knock on the door of Niles Crane’s house. Niles peeps through the door’s eyehole as the doorbell continues to ring. Niles Crane speaks under his breath.
Niles: Did you find something?
Daphne Moon whispers back to him.
Daphne: Do you think they’ll take soy sauce packets?
Gertrude Moon enters the living room.
Gertrude: Who keeps ringing the doorbell?
Niles and Daphne: Shh!
Daphne Moon speaks in a hushed voice.
Daphne: It’s trick-or-treaters.
Niles Crane peeps through the door’s eyehole.
Niles: It’s okay. They’re gone.
Gertrude: Well, why didn’t you let them in?
Daphne: Because someone forgot to get Halloween candy.
Niles: Although, someone else could’ve picked it up, since she was already in the store.
Daphne: But that would override the duty list that someone insisted on implementing.
Daphne Moon and Niles Crane kiss.
Gertrude: If this is what you two call a fight you’re not fit to be married. I held your father’s head underwater and…
Gertrude: Oh, for heaven’s sake!
Gertrude walks over to the closed door.
Gertrude: We haven’t got any candy! Shove off!
Niles: Great. Now they know we’re here.
The doorbell ring again.
Getrude: That is precisely what’s wrong with this country. Everyone’s afraid to stand up to the children.
Gertrude Moon opens the door.
Jason: Trick or treat!
Gertrude: Didn’t you hear? We got no candy!
Niles: We can offer you hotel soaps.
Jason: But it’s Halloween. I dress up. You give me candy.
Gertrude: That costume’s supposed to be scary?
Jason: No, is yours?
Gertrude: Oh, a nice bite into an onion is what that mouth of yours deserves.
Jason: If you don’t have treats, you’re doing to get a trick.
Gertrude: Do your worst! I’m not afraid of you.
Gertrude closes the door.
Gertrude makes her way back to her bedroom.
Niles: Okay, well, maybe I’ll go get some candy after all.
Niles Crane makes his way to the door when the sound of eggs smashing on their front door is heard. He slowly opens the door when another egg is thrown at it. Niles Crane closes the door.
Niles: Okay, I’m going to need my slicker and my squash goggles.
--OKAY, WHAT IF THE BALLOON WERE BLUE?—
Roz Doyle is at Café Nervosa.
Frasier: Good morning, Roz. May I join you?
Roz: Sure, Frasier. Well, I’m glad to see you’re not sulking today.
Frasier: Yes, well, I had a little time to think about it, and I’ve decided to put Bulldog’s prank behind me.
Frasier Crane takes a seat.
Roz: That’s very mature.
Frasier: I’m not finished. By visiting upon him a prank that is ten times more dastardly. Look at this.
Frasier Crane shows Roz Doyle his notepad where he drew a car with a red balloon attached to it.
Roz: It looks like a car with a balloon tied to it.
Frasier: Precisely! I will tie a red balloon to the antenna of Bulldog’s car every time his precious Seahawks lose a game.
Frasier Crane turns the page to reveal a drawing of a scoreboard where the Seahawks loses a game.
Frasier: Over time, the conditioned response will become ingrained in his psyche.
Frasier Crane once again turns the page to reveal a drawing of a red balloon.
Frasier: Eventually, the mere sight of a red balloon will bring about in him an inexplicable sense of loss.
Frasier turns to the next page that has a sketch of a man crying with a drawing of a red balloon in a cartoon bubble.
Frasier: Check and mate.
Roz: Isn’t that kind of out there?
Frasier: That’s the point. Well, of course I could resort to any of your basic pranks: hand in warm water and whatnot. Believe me, I have an intimate knowledge of all of them, but what I’m looking for is something unmistakably me. A signature prank, if you will.
Roz: Can’t you just forget about revenge and give him his two minutes in the sun?
Frasier: At my expense?
Roz: Look at his life. You guys used to be equals now he’s stuck downstairs in that dark, musty archives room. You must have some sympathy for him, don’t you?
Frasier: Dark musty archives.
Frasier quickly opens his briefcase to retrieve his notepad.
Frasier: I think I can use that.
Niles Crane arrives.
Niles: Hello, all.
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Daphne Moon forces her mother to step inside Café Nervosa.
Gertrude: Why do we have to stop here? I could make coffee at home.
Niles: Now, now. It’s good to get out of the house—get some fresh air, exercise those lungs.
Gertrude: My lungs are as strong as ever. Just yesterday, I finished a whole cigarette in two drags. One off me record.
Daphne: What’s this?
Daphne Moon who is standing behind Frasier Crane points at his notepad.
Frasier: I’m devising the ultimate prank to get my revenge on Bulldog.
Niles: Ah, well, just beware the dangers of juvenile one-upsmanship. Only last night, Mrs. Moon challenged a trick-or-treater, and he responded by pelting our door with eggs.
Gertrude: Yeah, but I got the little monster back by puttin’ a big, greasy glob of Vaseline on his doorknob.
Gertrude Moon laughs.
Niles: You said you’d put an end to it!
Gertrude: Hence, the Vaseline.
Daphne: Mum, he’s a child.
Gertrude: Well, it’s time he learned you don’t mess with Gertrude Moon without incurring my wrath. Now, excuse me. I require cocoa.
Gertrude Moon leaves.
Frasier: You know, I think she has the right attitude. If I expect Bulldog to leave me alone, I’ve got to show him he’s dealing with a superior intellect.
Roz: Show them the balloon car.
Annoyed Frasier Crane throws his notepad and pen into his briefcase, and closes it. He stands up.
Frasier: I’m sure Da Vinci’s early notes were full of laughs, too. Excuse me. I have devising to do.
Frasier Crane leaves. Daphne Moon takes her seat. Gertrude Moon is at the counter waiting to pay her coffee.
Barista: That’ll be…$32.03.
Gertrude: For one drink!
Barista: Your grandson ordered a bunch of cakes, and he said it was all on you.
The barista points at the boy. Gertrude looks behind her, and finds Jason White.
Jason: Thanks for the treats, Grandma!
Gertrude Moon runs after the boy.
Later, Gertrude Moon hurriedly enters the house snickering. She holds in her had the pedal, derailleur and chain of the boy’s bike.
Gertrude: Oh, let’s see the little sod get to school without these. Oh, this should settle it.
--STORAGE ROOM OF TERROR—
Marty: Is anybody there?
Martin Crane enters the dark storage room of the radio station when a zombie appears.
Marty: Oh. Zombies. The living dead.
More zombies come out of hiding.
Marty: Help. Help.
The lights turn on.
Frasier: Everyone hold please. Zombie #2, what are you doing?
Zombie #2: I’m scaring Bulldog?
Frasier: I see. Is that what Zombies do? They scare people?
Zombie #2: Um…
Frasier: Wrong! They eat brains, and that’s what scares people. I know this is our dress rehearsal. Let’s please try to get this right. Bulldog comes in. He hears noises. Zombies go after his brain…and his terror is caught on videotape for us all to enjoy at a later date. Now, let’s try this again. First marks, please.
Marty: Oh geez, Fras. This is the 4th time through. Can somebody else play Bulldog now?
Frasier: Dad, you said you’d help me with this.
Marty: That’s because you said we were going to do a practical joke. I thought it’d be fun.
Frasier: Whatever gave you that idea? Todd! I am getting “dead” from you, but I’m not getting “undead”.
Frasier: Let’s try this, then. After rehearsal, I want each of you to write a paragraph…detailing who your character was when he or she was alive. How they died, and when they are now after Bulldog’s brain. Honestly, Roz, you know, you haven’t given me much to work with here. These are the worst actors I’ve ever seen.
Roz: Well, I’m sorry, but the Royal Zombie Company just left town with its all-zombie production of Hamlet!
Marty: How many more times are we gonna do this?
Frasier: Why is it that whenever Bulldog pulls a practical joke you all applaud him as if he’s won some sort of bowl or cup or other sports dish? But when I ask you to give up a single Sunday, all I get is complaints!
Marty: Because you keep turning it to work! This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach. Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.
Frasier: Like when?!
Marty: Like the last time we went to the beach!
Frasier: A lot of people bring rakes!
Roz: Look Frasier, it’s not too late to back out of this. Now, face it. Jokes just aren’t your specialty.
Frasier: What is that supposed to mean?
Marty: Well, what she means, son is that we all have our different blessings, and Bulldog’s good at jokes and fun. You’re good at…reading and, uh…telling people about the things you read.
Frasier: Are you saying I can’t pull this off?
Roz: Oh, I wouldn’t put it that way.
Marty: I would.
Frasier: But I worked this out to the last detail! Nothing can go wrong!
Roz: Everything’s gonna go wrong! For one thing, Bulldog’s going to know something’s up, ‘cause Kenny hardly ever makes him work at night. And look at all these cameras, and all these wires—what if he spots these?
Marty: And, and the zombies, as soon as he sees them he’s gonna know it’s a prank, ‘cause he just pranked you. And there are no such things as zombies!!!
Frasier Crane points at his father.
Frasier: You, sir…are released!
Frasier Crane points at Roz.
Frasier: And you as well.
Roz Doyle follows Marty Crane up the stairs.
Roz: I’ll pull this thing off by myself proving that you don’t know what you’re talking about! I don’t need any of you!
The zombies make their way to the door.
Frasier: Wait, zombies, I do need you! But no one else! I’ll show all of you! You mark my words! Tomorrow night, I get my revenge!
A loud thunderclap is heard then the fog machine spews out smoke.
Frasier: Ah, good, the effects machine’s working again. All right, everyone. Back to your first marks.
The doorbell rings at Niles Crane’s house, and Gertrude Moon gets the door.
Gertrude: Where have you been?!
Deliveryman: I’m sorry. I had a hard time finding this place. I checked the directory for “Crane”, but it had “Old Bat” next to this apartment number.
Gertrude: A little obvious, but not bad.
Gertrude Moon picks up a toy.
Gertrude: I want you to deliver this Baby-I-Have-To-Tinkle doll to Jason White, Floyd Middle School. This is the address.
Gertrude hands the deliveryman a paper.
Gertrude: I mean, he should be in gym class about now.
Deliveryman: I don’t think I’m allowed to just walk into the school, ma’am.
Gertrude: Oh, it’s okay. I’m his grandmother. And you have to say this.
Gertrude Moon points at the note she wrote on the paper.
Deliveryman: “Your mommy said bring this to you at school to lift your spirits. See, your dolly has accidents, too”. You really want me to say that?
Gertrude: Yes, and very loudly. The poor thing’s hard of hearing.
Gertrude Moon hands the deliveryman his tip, and closes the door.
--TALES FROM THE CRYPT—
Frasier Crane is at his booth watching the storage room through a live video feed.
Frasier: Todd, take off that baseball cap. You’re undead, not uncouth. All right, everyone.
Marty Crane and Roz Doyle enters Frasier’s booth.
Frasier: Step lively, look sharp. It’s almost show time. Give me a final room-tone check, please, and take your marks.
Marty: Hey, Fras.
Frasier: Oh, hello. Come to watch me fail, I suppose.
Roz: No, we just wanted to come join you.
Marty: Yeah, we’re sorry about that stuff we wais yesterday.
Roz: Yeah, we came to see you have your day. It’s long overdue.
Frasier: Maybe I don’t want you here.
Roz: What do you mean?
Frasier: You abandoned me in my hour of need. Now, you’re here to revel in my success, just like in Boswell’s Life of Johnson.
Frasier: It was something I read.
Marty: I guess we deserve that whatever the hell it means.
Roz: Come on Frasier, we’re sorry. Just let us watch.
Frasier: All right. Apology accepted. You may observe in silence. Make yourselves comfortable, and prepare to witness a man brought to the very edge of madness!
Marty Crane and Roz Doyle stand behind Frasier Crane. Marty whispers to Roz.
Marty: I think he’s already there.
Gertrude is sitting on the couch reading when Daphne Moon all dressed walks down to the living room.
Daphne: Mum, we’re off to the symphony.
Gertrude: Haven’t the Germans punished us enough?
Niles Crane opens the door, and a huge garbage can filled with trash falls on the floor.
Daphne: Bloody hell!
Niles: Where did this come from?
Gertrude: Oh, you must have crossed someone.
Niles Craane picks up the garbage can.
Mr. White: Ah, I’m so sorry. We were just coming down the hall, and we saw you open your door. This is our trashcan.
Daphne: What was it doing there?
Mrs. White: Jason, get back here! It seems our children have been feuding. We’re very embarrassed.
Niles: You’re embarrassed? Meet our daughter.
Niles Crane points at Gertrude Moon. Gertrude smiles and waves at them.
Jason White walks over to the door.
Jason: I have a lot of homework.
Mrs. White: Stay!
Mr. White: Jason, have you been fighting with this woman?
Jason: Well, she broke my bike, and made me have to see a counselor at school.
Gertrude Moon scratches her nape.
Gertrude: I think I left something in the kitchen.
Gertrude: I am an adult. I can do anything I want!
Gertrude stomps her foot.
Niles: No. While you’re living under our roof, you’ll follow our rules.
Daphne: You two should be ashamed of yourselves? What if someone got hurt?
Mrs. White: Jason! You are one second away from losing your broadband connection. Now, apologize and shake hands.
Jason White walks over to Gertrude Moon, and offers his hand. Gertrude stands with her hands akimbo.
Jason White crosses his arms.
Niles: What if I told you, you couldn’t smoke your pipes in our room anymore?
Gertrude Moon shakes the hand of the boy.
Gertrude: I’m sorry.
Daphne: Now, you two are going to clean up this mess.
Mrs. White: And Jason, come straight home when you’re finished.
Daphne: This place better be spotless by the time we get back.
Niles Crane points at the two, and looks sternly at them. The Whites leave followed by Daphne and Niles.
Jason: I wish I was all grown up, and I wouldn’t have to follow their stupid rules.
Gertrude: Oh, nothing changes. Trust me.
Jason: You know. My mom hates bugs. She screams like a girl.
Gertrude: So does my son-in-law.
Jason: I know where we can find some crickets.
Gertrude: No! Now, we should do as we’re told, and start cleaning up.
Gertrude Moon walks over to the garbage can.
Jason White follows her.
Gertrude: That way they won’t be expecting it!
Gertrude and Jason giggle.
--NO ZOMBIES WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE—
Kenny has joined in watching the storage room from Frasier Crane’s booth.
Kenny: This is so great. I can’t wait! I’m getting goosebumps. Feel me. Feel me.
Kenny with his sleeves rolled up puts his arm closer to Frasier.
Frasier: Kenny, what was the condition of my letting you watch?
Frasier Crane watches as Bulldog arrives at the storage room.
Frasier: There he is! Cue “creaking noise one”.
Frasier Crane turns on the sound effects, and Bulldog hears a creaking noise.
Bulldog: Hello? Who’s there?
Frasier: Cue “creaking noise two”.
Frasier Crane turns on another sound effect, and another creaking noise is heard. Now, let the horror begin.
The zombies come out from hiding. Bulldog shrieks as the zombies come near him.
Frasier: Yes! How do you like that? You big baby!
Frasier laughs sinisterly. Bulldog runs over to the other side, and pulls a gun out of one of the boxes.
Bulldog: Get back! Ah! Ah!
Bulldog fires his gun. Frasier Crane, Roz, Kenny, and Marty are in complete shock.
Frasier: Oh my God! Oh my God! Call 911! Call 911!
Frasier Crane rushes out of the booth to the storage room. Kenny dials the phone.
Kenny: Oh, my God!
Roz Doyle guffaws.
Marty: Don’t worry about it, Kenny. It’s just a joke.
Kenny: What are you talking about?
Marty: It’s a fake gun!
Marty: It’s a fake gun!
Kenny: What about the bullets?
Roz Doyle and Marty Crane laugh.
Roz: It’s a joke. Bulldog found out about Frasier’s prank so we set him up.
Roz, Marty, and Kenny laugh.
Kenny: That is awesome!
Roz and Marty continue to roll with laughter. Kenny hangs up the phone.
Kenny: I can’t believe he fell for it.
Roz: Come on, we got to tell Frasier what’s going on.
Kenny: You guys go ahead. I think I’m gonna stay here and puke.
At the storage room, the zombies run out the door. Frasier Crane arrives.
Frasier: Stop! Stop! It was all a joke!
Frasier Crane goes down on his knees, and looks at the dead zombie.
Frasier: Oh, my God! What have I done?!
Marty and Roz arrives. Kenny runs down the stairs to join them.
Marty: What’s the big deal? He was already a zombie!
Marty and Roz guffaw.
Frasier: Are you insane?! Call an ambulance!
The supposed dead zombie surprises Frasier. Marty laughs out loud while Roz and Kenny chuckle. Bulldog is also laughing at the startled Frasier.
Frasier: What’s going on here?
Roz Doyle waves at the camera.
Roz: Wave to the camera, Frasier!
Bulldog: Got you again, all on tape. Who’s the king?
Bulldog raises his hand.
Frasier: That isn’t funny! I could’ve had a heart attack!
Marty: Oh, sorry, Fras. We just couldn’t resist.
Frasier: Well, at least nobody was hurt. You’ve bested me, Bulldog—again.
Todd: Dr. Crane, I think I hurt my back.
Todd collapses face front revealing a scissor stabbed on his back. Everybody gasps.
Roz: Oh, my God!
Kenny: Somebody call an ambulance!
Marty: Where’s the phone?! Where’s the phone?!
Frasier picks up the phone.
Frasier: Roz! Get the first-aid kit out of the closet!
Roz: Okay. Okay.
Bulldog: No, no! Not the…!
Roz Doyle opens the closet revealing Noel acting dead as he hangs on the door with a stab wound. Roz shrieks!
Marty: What the hell’s going on down here?!
Frasier: Quiet! Quiet everybody! Hello. Yes, I’d like to report the greatest practical joke ever! You better send a fire truck, because you guys just got burned!
Frasier Crane guffaws, while Bulldog laughs.
Roz: Wait! What?!
Noel: Hi, Roz!
Bulldog: You should see the look on your faces! This is truly a classic.
Marty: This was all just a joke?
Kenny looks like he’s going to throw up. He rushes up the stairs.
Bulldog: Nice work, Doc.
Bulldog shakes Frasier Crane’s hand.
Frasier: Likewise, Bulldog.
Frasier Crane and Bulldog laugh.
Todd: Think I can get a copy of this for my demo reel?
Frasier: Sure thing, Todd. You’ve come a long way in a short time, young man.
Todd leaves. Marty Crane pulls out the fake scissors on Todd’s back as he passes by him.
Marty: Well, Frasier I’m speechless. You totally had us going.
Roz: I can’t believe it!
Frasier: Admit it Roz, can I pull off a practical joke or what?
Roz: I just don’t understand. Did you guys work together?
Bulldog: Nope. Frasier set the whole thing up.
Frasier: The other day, after you two left, I got to thinking maybe my joke was aimed at the wrong target. That’s when Bulldog and I joined forces.
Roz: But we joined forces with him to get you!
Frasier: That’s exactly what you were supposed to think!
Marty: Wow, Fras, I got to give it to you. This was brilliant.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad. What do you say we all go upstairs, and watch the tape.
Bulldog: Oh you guys go ahead.
Frasier: Technically, I still owe you one.
Bulldog grabs his jacket from the closet.
Bulldog: Face it, Doc. You will never win.
Bulldog turns to the man hanging on the closet door.
Bulldog: Good work, Noel.
Bulldog closes the closet door with Noel still hanging on the closet door. Bulldog puts on his jacket.
Bulldog: That’s why you had to join forces with me. Huh?
Bulldog raises his hand.
Frasier: You’re right.
Frasier Crane and Bulldog high-five.
Bulldog: All right.
Bulldog makes his way to the door not knowing that Frasier Crane put the “I’m Pro-Opera and I Vote!” sticker on his denim jacket. Frasier Crane laughs quietly.
Later, the janitor with his headphones on is at the storage room cleaning. He straightens out one of the boxes opens the closet door where Noel is left hanging, but the janitor does not notice him. The janitor walks inside the closet. Noel taps the janitor, and the poor man convulses in fright. The janitor faints leaving Noel still stuck hanging on the closet door.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Tales From The Crypt” episode was written by Saladin K. Patterson. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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