Thursday, January 1, 2009

Shawn vs. The Red Phantom – Psych Transcript 1.8

Shawn and The Magic Head1986, young Shawn Spencer runs on the shore to their house with a red cape tied around his neck.

Shawn: Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than…

Shawn Spencer is surprised to see his father Henry sitting on their house’s front step.

Henry: Hey.
Shawn: Hey.

Henry Spencer shows Shawn the comic books he found.   Continue reading...

Henry: Where did these comics come from? Gus, right? Come here.

Shawn, now with a long face, walks to his dad.

Henry: Well, at least you’re not a tattletale.

Henry throws the comic books on the ground.

Shawn: What’s the big deal? All the kids read them.
Henry: Yeah, well, all the kids don’t live in this house, and all the kids don’t have a police officer as a father, Shawn.
Shawn: So what?
Henry: So, these things make cops look like idiots who’d rather flash a signal in the sky than do real police work. They set a bad example.
Shawn: They do not!

Shawn picks up the comic books.

Henry: Shawn, don’t argue with me. Do you have any idea how many kids’ brains I have to scoop up off the driveway, because they think they can fly?
Shawn: Those kids are dumb.
Henry: Shawn, these things are a fantasy. Real heroes do not wear a cape and they don’t wear their underwear on the outside. The guys who wear capes…they’re on angel dust.

Henry sighs.

Henry: Come here.

Henry and Shawn sit on the front step.

Henry: You want to know what a real hero is?
Shawn: What?
Henry: He’s flesh and blood. He wears a badge. He lays it on the line every time he walks the beat. Shawn, do you really want to be a hero someday?
Shawn: Yes, sir.
Henry: Become a cop. Get your head out of the clouds.

Young Shawn sighs.

Henry: All right, let’s see if we can make this thing useful somehow, huh?

Henry takes off Young Shawn’s cape, which actually is just a towel. He puts it over his son’s head.

Henry: Hit the showers.

Henry affectionately kisses his son’s head.

Present day, Detective O’Hara is at her desk with a pain on her neck. She groans, but her phone starts ringing so she picks it up.

Shawn: Somebody needs a hot oil massage.
Jules: Pardon?
Shawn: Stress? Tough day at the office? Who are you kidding? You’ll probably never get those reports typed.
Jules: Who is this?
Shawn: Shawn.
Jules: Spencer.
Shawn: Great. You were already thinking of me. You know, you should roll your head both directions if you really want that ot work.
Jules: Okay, where are you?
Shawn: On the phone, where are you?
Jules: You know damn well where I am. How can you see me?

Detective O’Hara gets up her chair.

Shawn: Do you really want to know?
Jules: I don’t ask questions I don’t want to know the answer to.
Shawn: Ooh, never ask a boyfriend if he thinks your sister’s hot.
Jules: I don’t have a sister.
Shawn: How about your boyfriend?
Jules: Where are you?
Shawn: Well, there’s a spectral plane where all our auras are visible, see.

Detective O’Hara begins scanning the police station in search of Shawn Spencer.

Shawn: When a soul is tortured or stressed, like yourself…
Jules: Okay, never mind.
Shawn: You asked.
Jules: You know what, Shawn? I have a really hectic day today. The chief, she’s…
Shawn: Out of the office. Going to a seminar on non-lethal weaponry with Lassiter? Out of town? She sort of left you in charge.
Jules: Okay, psychic. Give me the details. How did you figure that out?
Shawn: Most of it is in her day planner.

Detective O’Hara turns to Chief Vick’s office, and finds Shawn Spencer sitting on the Chief’s chair with his back turned. He pulls up the Chief’s planner for Detective O’Hara to see. Detective O’Hara gasps.

Jules: You cannot be in the chief’s office.
Shawn: Oh, come on. She’s not gonna know. Notice how no one ever looks in here? Why is that? What are you guys so afraid of? It’s not like the belly bites. She’s actually a pretty kick-back lady if you give her a chance. I mean, look what she’s done with this place. It’s really warm in here. I know I can’t stay away, and have you tried this chair?

Shawn gets up the chair, and sits on it again.

Jules: Okay, you have five seconds to get your butt out of…

Detective O’Hara glances at her notepad.

Jules: Actually, you know what? Stay right there.
Shawn: Ooh, indecisive. I like that.

Detective O’Hara enters Chief Vick’s office, and drops her notepad in front of Shawn.

Jules: Take a look at that. Tell me what you think.

Detective O’Hara closes the blinds.

Shawn: Flower doodle in the upper right-hand corner is excellent. This horse at the bottom doesn’t look anything like My Little Pony.

Detective O’Hara walks over to Shawn.

Jules: The writing, not the…that’s a dog. I draw when I get anxious.

Detective O’Hara sits on a chair.

Shawn: I think you made a wise decision not going into animation, Juliet.
Jules: Mmm.
Shawn: Okay, fine. Something about a missing kid.
Jules: Uh, he’s not a kid. He’s eighteen, and he’s only been gone for twenty-four hours, so technically he’s not missing.
Shawn: You want my help.
Jules: I’m not sure yet. His name is Malone Breyfogle.
Shawn: Malone Breyfogle?
Jules: Mmm-hmm.
Shawn: I’ll tell you this much, kid’s been lifted up by his underwear more than once.

Detective O’Hara chuckles.

Jules: He seems like a good kid. Honor roll, never been in trouble. His mother’s worried sick.
Shawn: You can’t do anything until he’s been missing for forty-eight hours. That’s so stupid.

Shawn gets up the chair, and sits on the desk.

Jules: Exactly. I know the rules and regulations. They made sense when I memorized them, but when you have to look into some poor mother’s eyes, and tell her she can’t worry about her son until he’s two days missing…
Shawn: That is really depressing. Consider me hired.
Jules: You’re not hired. I can’t pay you. If it turns out there’s something to it, I’ll make sure you get put on the case. That’s all I can do.

Shawn picks up the notepad.

Shawn: Juliet, I’m quite sure we can work out some kind of services exchange. You see, I like to do a little sketching myself, and sometimes I need a model.
Jules: Huh.

Detective O’Hara grabs her notepad from Shawn, and makes her way to the door.

Shawn: Was that inappropriate?

Detective O’Hara turns to glare at Shawn, and keeps walking away.

Shawn: Felt okay.

Later, Shawn and Gus cross the street.

Gus: Let me get this straight. I left in the middle of work to come check out a case, which is not a case, in which we likely won’t get paid.
Shawn: Who are you kidding right now? I pulled you out of a Starbucks. Where you were pretending to finish your route that you actually finished yesterday so we could do a tiny favor for Juliet that will grant us much larger favors in the future.

Shawn and Gus reach the front door of a house. Shawn rings the doorbell.

Shawn: Preferably ones that I can’t mention in the presence of nuns or men of the cloth.

A woman opens the door. Shawn clears his throat.

Woman: Oh, hello. Thank you so much for coming. Come in.

Shawn Spencer enters the house followed by Burton Guster.

Woman: Can I get you boys anything?

Gus and Shawn sit on the couch, waiting for the woman who is at the kitchen.

Woman: They’ll be ready in a minute.

Gus turns to Shawn.

Gus: I can’t believe you’re letting that woman make us pancakes.
Shawn: She offered, Gus. Tell me you’re not excited about pancakes.
Gus: She’s worried sick.
Shawn: Cooking helps her cope.
Gus: How do you know that?
Shawn: How do you know it doesn’t?
Woman: Do you boys want your syrup warmed up?
Shawn: I don’t need it, Mrs. Breyfogle, but Gus does, so, I guess, yes.
Gus: You’re the one who won’t eat cold syrup.
Shawn: Yeah, but I’m working you into the conversation. Now she knows your name.

Mrs. Breyfogle brings Gus and Shawn the pancakes.

Mrs. Breyfogle: I’m just afraid something terrible has happened.

Mrs. Breyfogle hands Shawn his pancakes.

Mrs. Breyfogle: Here you go.
Shawn: Mmm-hmm.

Mrs. Breyfogle takes her seat.

Mrs. Breyfogle: My son Malone has been acting so strange lately.
Gus: Strange how?
Mrs. Breyfogle: Well, he worked so hard to get a paid summer internship with a big computer company then turned it down at the last second. Wouldn’t tell me why. Rarely leaves his room. Even his two oldest friends, Rob and Don, tell me they hardly get to see him.
Shawn: Have you spoken with Rob and Don since Malone disappeared?
Mrs. Breyfogle: No, I spoke to their parents. Both boys are at computer camp.
Shawn: All right.

Shawn points at his pancakes.

Shawn: These are delicious.
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: But I need to see his room.

Mrs. Breyfogle lead them to Malone’s messy room. Shawn surveys the room and notices cement debris on the boy’s bed. He looks at the ceiling, and sees a light fixture directly on top of it.

Mrs. Breyfogle: Are you all right?
Shawn: I feel the answer is in the light.
Mrs. Breyfogle: The light?

Shawn turns off the light, and switches it back on. He does this several times.

Gus: Shawn? Will you tell the spirit to hurry the hell up?

Shawn stands on top of the mattress, and puts his hands over the light.

Shawn: Oh, yes. Yes, I’m definitely feeling something here.

Shawn starts bumping up and down the mattress.

Shawn: Oh, it’s good. It’s nice.
Mrs. Breyfogle: What? What is it?
Shawn: This mattress. It feels like one of those mattresses where you can bounce a bowling ball, but the glass of wine doesn’t spill.

Shawn turns to Gus.

Shawn: Gus, go find a glass of wine and a bowling ball.

Gus just looks at Shawn.

Shawn: Mrs. Breyfogle, I feel we’ll find a clue in here.

Shawn removes the recessed light fixture then pulls out the bulb. Shawn exclaims as cement debris, and cash come falling down on him.

Gus and Shawn leave the Breyfogle’s house.

Gus: How does some eighteen year old kid still living at home make that kind of money?
Shawn: Lemonade stand? That is, if instead of lemons, he’s using heroin.
Gus: Whatever it is, anything that pays in stacks of cash like that can’t be legal, or healthful.
Shawn: It’s obvious what happened. Malone was involved in some shady dealings. He’s either off on a spending spree or things got a little too shady for him.
Gus: So, what now?
Shawn: Find his friends. Computer camp, please. Malone’s rolling in dough. Whatever he’s doing, they’re with him. We find them. We find him. The question is where.
Gus: Wait a second. You don’t already know where he is?
Shawn: Gus, I’m a professional gathering information, okay? I’m getting there.

Gus chuckles.

Gus: You know, Shawn, I…I just thought you were a little better than this. Just a little.
Shawn: All right, what is this? You know where he is?
Gus: Of course, I do. While you’re playing with light switches and ordering breakfast, I was investigating a case.
Shawn: I see. Okay. I’ll bite. Where is he, Chocolate Columbo?
Gus: Tri-Con.
Shawn: Do what?
Gus: Tri-Con. The Tri-Annual Comic Book and Science Fiction Convention is in Santa Barbara this weekend. You saw all those comic books in Malone’s room. You’re eighteen years old. You have a town of cash burning a hole in your pocket and you love comics. Where else would you go to spend your disposable income? Think, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus, I apologize. That’s brilliant.
Gus: Thank you.
Shawn: Let’s verify it so we can go check it out.
Gus: Shawn, I’m sure he’s there. There’s no doubt.
Shawn: You sure?
Gus: Yep.
Shawn: How’s that?

Gus pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket.

Shawn: Are those directions to the convention center?
Gus: I found it in his wastebasket.

Detective Lassiter is driving with Chief Vick.

Lassiter: You know, in case I never said it, I was really pleased when you were named as chief. Interim chief. I’m sure that’s only temporary.
Chief: Mmm-hmm.
Lassiter: It’s true that the outgoing chief was important to me. He was my mentor. Made me the cop I am today.
Chief: Mmm-hmm.
Lassiter: I know the outside perception is that the force was a real boys’ club under him. So, I thought it was really smart when they named a, you know, woman.
Chief: All right, honey.
Lassiter: Excuse me, what?
Chief: I love you.
Lassiter: Huh?

Chief Vick chuckles.

Chief: Okay. Yeah, I’ll just see you when we get back. Okay.

Chief Vick whose bluetooth cellphone headset is hidden from view with her hair hangs up the phone.

Chief: I’m sorry, Detective, were you saying something?
Lassiter: No, I wasn’t.

Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are in the convention center where they are holding the Comic Book and Science Fiction convention.

Gus: We can’t just walk into the con.
Shawn: I’m sorry, “the con”?
Gus: Yeah.
Shawn: You’re calling a place filled with overweight teenagers battling mild cases of scoliosis and advanced bed-wetting “the con”?
Gus: We can’t get in there. The tickets were sold out a month ago.
Shawn: Did you already try to get tickets?
Gus: Focus, Shawn.
Shawn: How much were they?
Gus: Will you focus?

Shawn spots a poster with the picture of George Takei, and he starts walking towards it when a man takes it out.

Man #1: No, no, no, leave this out of sight until we get the issues resolved with the food in his room, all right? I don’t know if he’s going to walk over the blueberry issue, but we cannot have people lining up until we’re sure he’s participating. I gotta call his agent. Get me a list of all the produce vendors in the area.
Man #2: We can’t risk alienating the Star Trek fans.

Shawn and Gus make their way inside the convention center.

Security: You can’t come in without tickets.
Shawn: They didn’t tell you we were coming?
Security: Who?
Shawn: We work for George.

The volunteer security guard with a comb-over hair just looks at him.

Shawn: Takai?
Security: You mean Takei?
Shawn: Yeah. Those closest to him know exactly how he likes it pronounced, okay? You think you can have a convention without Commander Chekov?
Gus: Sulu, jackass.
Shawn: Have his fresh blueberries arrived yet?

The volunteer security guard nervously checks his clipboard.

Security: I don’t have record of receiving them yet.
Shawn: You don’t have record of having received them yet. Give me that!

Shawn grabs the clipboard from the security guard. Shawn laughs, and turns to Gus.

Gus: They don’t have the fresh blueberries.

Shawn and Gus start to laugh. The volunteer security guard starts to laugh with them, but Shawn throws the clipboard on the podium. The volunteer security guard starts stammering.

Security: What’s the big deal?
Shawn: What’s the big deal? What is the big deal? Do you have any idea what happened when they forgot his blueberries at the con in San Antonio?! That comb-over will be the least of your…

Shawn calms down.

Shawn: You know what, it’s better. It’s better if you don’t know. It’s how I ended up with a stutter and a wooden pinky toe. Now for the love of Scotty…
Gus: Still Sulu.

Shawn stutters.

Shawn: Would you, would you…please! Ugh! Let me get in there and save all of our asses?!

The volunteer security guard lets them enter.

Shawn: Dude, some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you.
Gus: I don’t know that guy.
Shawn: He looked right at you.
Gus: He was mistaken.
Shawn: He said, “Hi, Gus.” And then another dude with a cape and a codpiece gave you a half-nod.
Gus: I don’t know any of these people, Shawn, okay?
Shawn: Uh-huh.

A good-looking woman calls Shawn and Gus’ attention.

Talia: Hey, guys. I’m Talia. This is Dent. We’re from Parastone Pictures, and just wanted to remind you to go see the world premiere of the Red Phantom trailer tomorrow night.

Talia hands Shawn a flyer.

Dent: It’ll be the biggest movie of the summer. Do not miss out.
Shawn: No way, I love the dead phantom.
Talia: Red Phantom.
Shawn: What, he didn’t die at the end?

Talia chuckles.

Shawn: Bye.
Talia: Bye.

Gus and Shawn walk away.

Gus: I hear this movie’s going to bomb.
Man on PA: Check one. Check two.
Gus: Too bad. I kind of dug the Red Phantom.
Shawn: You haven’t even seen the trailer. You already hate it. How’s that possible?
Gus: Fortress of Attitude.
Shawn: What did you just say to me?
Gus: Fortress of Attitude. It’s this site that reviews movies based on comic books. The Malcontent, the guy who runs it, says he already saw a thirty-minute presentation here at the convention. He blazed it online.
Shawn: Can’t you just look at porn on the net like every other guy and his brother?
Gus: Everybody reads his blog.
Shawn: No. Not everybody.
Gus: Everybody here does, Shawn. And you know what? I don’t care what you think. So, why don’t you let me do the talking here at the convention, and try not to embarrass me. This is my turf. And yes, I know the guy in the codpiece. His name is Dave, and he’s a very nice guy.

Gus walks away.

Shawn: Snap.

Later, a bald man in yellow shirt is at one of the tables.

Writer: Two for fifty cents.

Gus recognizes the man at the table. Shawn turns to Gus.

Shawn: What?
Gus: That’s Hiltz Kooler.

Gus approaches Hiltz Kooler.

Gus: Excuse me, Mr. Kooler? I’m a huge Green Spirit fan. He’s my favorite, actually. I was wondering.

Gus pulls out a comic book he bought at the convention.

Gus: Would you mind signing my original copy of The Green Spirit Strikes Again?

Gus hands Hiltz Kooler the comic book.

Hiltz: Whoa. Haven’t seen one of these in a while.
Gus: I couldn’t believe I found a guy selling one. I love how this story reinvented the character for today.

Hiltz Kooler returns the comic book he just signed to Gus.

Hiltz: Well, there you go. Enjoy. It’s one of my favorites.
Gus: You know, I wish they’d based the move on this story arc.
Hiltz: What am I gonna do? I told them about a million times. They don’t listen to me.
Gus: Still a huge fan.
Hiltz: Well, I’m glad someone is after that Green Spirit movie.
Shawn: Whoa! Is this the movie you dragged me to where the hero had big nipples on the outside of his costume?
Hiltz: Damn those nipples.

Shawn laughs.

Shawn: They were like big angry marshmallows.

Gus pulls Shawn aside.

Gus: The Green Spirit movie nearly killed the characters.
Shawn: Gus, all I care about is finding our guys. I can’t take much more of this.
Gus: There’s too much real estate. We can’t cover it all at once. Maybe we should split up.
Shawn: I can help our situation.

Shawn walks over to the stage.

Emcee: So, next on our list…

Shawn Spencer taps the Emcee.

Emcee: Sir, can I help you?
Shawn: Yeah, I’m Shawn Spencer, psychic, SBPD. I just need a moment.
Emcee: Psychic?!
Shawn: Mmm-hmm.
Emcee: Welcome! Ladies and gentlemen, science fiction fans, we’ve got a special treat for you today.

Burton Guster goes on the stage.

Emcee: A psychic! A real live psychic!
Gus: Shawn, no.
Emcee: Uh, who’s this?

The emcee points at Gus. The crowd clamors.

Shawn: Uh, this is my sidekick, Magic Head.

One of the people watching calls Shawn’s attention.

Man: You’re a psychic? Like Professor X?
Gus: Professor X is a telepath, not a psychic.
Shawn: But I do have telepathic tendencies.
Gus: No, you don’t. You have psychic visions. They’re different.
Shawn: No, really, I can do both.
Gus: No, you can’t!
Man: Can you read me?
Shawn: Sure.

Shawn shakes his fingers, and puts his other hand on Gus’ head.

Shawn: I’m getting a reading. I’m getting a reading right now, yes. You spend a great deal of time in front of your computer.

The man gasps in surprise.

Shawn: And, I see a girl. Yes. You like her from afar. She doesn’t really know you exist.
Man: Yes! Yes! Her name’s Megan. Do I have a chance?
Shawn: Don’t put too much work into it. I think she might want to be “just friends”.

Gus whispers to Shawn.

Gus: Shawn, we’re supposed to be looking for Malone.
Shawn: Obviously, Malone is keeping a low profile.

Shawn exclaims.

Shawn: Whoa! Boy, I’m getting…whoa! I’m getting an “R”. I am getting an “R”. Does anyone here have a name that begins with “R”? Oh, uh, wait a second…hold, nobody…and a “D”. Yes, a “D”. An “R” and a “D”. An “R” name…Rim, uh, uh, Rolph…an “R” name…Rim…Rolph…Robert…no “bert”, just Rob. Rob, and a D name. Yes. Uh, Dan. Uh, Doodle. Dook…Dook…Dookie…Duder…Dumb…Don! Yes! Rob and a Don!

Two geeky teenagers wave and yell to call Shawn’s attention.

Shawn: That’s us!

The crowd applauds.

Shawn: An actual Rob and Don together.

Shawn chuckles.

Shawn: Sometimes I scare myself.

Rob and don go up the stage.

Shawn: Hey, fellas, first I need you both to empty your pockets.

The two boys empty their pockets.

Shawn: Mmm…oh!

Shawn takes something from one of the boys’ hands.

Shawn: Uh! A room key even though you both reside locally.
Rob: Oh, our friend sprang for a hotel suite for us.
Shawn: Ah, room 129.
Don: 428.
Shawn: Yes, of course.

Shawn puts his hand on Gus’ head.

Shawn: Yes, of course. I’m getting something. This friend you speak of, I sense you haven’t seen him for a while, but you didn’t tell anyone, no. You’re not supposed to be here. You told your parents, shhh, you were going to computer camp! Computer camp, guys? Really? I know what you’re hiding.

The two boys try down the stage.

Gus: We’re not going after them?
Shawn: What for? Malone’s not with them, but I think I know where he might be.

Shawn Spencer makes his way down the stage.

Emcee: Ladies and gentlemen, Shawn Spencer and, and Magic Head.

Shawn and Gus the room.

Shawn: Let’s check out room 428.

The volunteer security guard is at the hallway talking to George Takei.

Security: Well, they seemed pretty convincing. That’s them there!

The volunteer security guard points at Shawn and Gus. George Takei approaches Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster.

George: Why are you telling people you’re my assistants?
Shawn: Uh, because we are your assistants.
George: Excuse me?
Shawn: Are you serious, George?

Shawn scoffs.

Shawn: I know we said we’d work outside the loop, but this is a little ridiculous.
George: I don’t recognize you.
Shawn: You hired us personally. We met you in Chicago at a screening of that movie with the whales.
Gus: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
George: The last time I was in Chicago, I was doing a reading from my autobiography.
Shawn: Right. We booked that.

Shawn turns to Gus.

Shawn: Remember Robin told us he’d never be able to fill a room that size?
George: I don’t know any Robin.
Shawn: That’s because I fired her. Look, George, you don’t need that kind of negativity, okay? It’s her fault what happened in San Antonio. Though you didn’t hear that from me.
George: I’m very confused.
Shawn: Look, George, we can stand around and talk all day…
Gus: Like Robin used to.
Shawn: Or I can try to do something about solving your blueberry crisis. The choice is yours.
George: Well, all right, then. Get to it.
Shawn: Thank you.
Gus: Thank you.

Shawn and Gus enter Room 428.

Shawn: Ew!
Gus: Gosh. I see why Rob and Don were freaked. They didn’t want to be held responsible for this mess.
Shawn: This place is trashed.
Gus: Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.

Gus laughs.

Shawn: I’m sorry, did the joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?
Gus: He used to trash hotel rooms.
Shawn: Used to. The man has kids now. He lives in France.
Gus: You got a better version?
Shawn: Of course I do. How about that lame-o who’s dating Kate Moss?
Gus: He’s British and nobody knows who he is.
Shawn: Okay, fine. Too inside. Stephen Dorff. Always solid.

Shawn notices a Fortress of Attitude by Malcontent mock-up sticking out of a bag.

Shawn: Dude, come here.
Gus: Why would this kid have these mock-ups?
Shawn: Because I think our missing person has a secret identity. By day, he’s a laptop-toting comic-loving virgin. At night, he’s your favorite blogger.
Gus: You think The Malcontent is a kid?
Shawn: He must have pissed off the wrong people with his blog.

Gus notices a note on the floor.

Gus: Shawn, look.

Shawn reads the note.

Shawn: “One down, two to go”. Hmm. There goes the kid-on-a-spending-spree theory.

Shawn exclaims.

Shawn: Oh! Keith Moon.

Shawn and Gus are at the Santa Barbara Police station.

Gus: I just went over the posts on Malone’s blog.
Shawn: Did he bash anything in particular?
Gus: The Red Phantom movie. He’s relentless. It’s weird, because if you go back a little, he was originally saying great things about it.
Shawn: So, Parastone Pictures paid him to praise the Red Phantom flick. That must be where all the money from his room came from.
Gus: Makes sense. Malone’s blog started the bad buzz, which sunk Parastone’s last comic book movie.
Shawn: I don’t think the nipples helped either, Gus.
Gus: Well, yeah.
Shawn: So, the studio had everything riding on this new film. They would have done anything to prevent history from repeating itself.
Gus: But Malone blazed The Red Phantom anyway.
Shawn: He reneged, which might be why he’s missing. We need to find those execs.
Jules: Hey, any progress?
Shawn: I picked up Malone’s astral trail.

Detective O’Hara looks confused.

Shawn: That’s what it’s called. It leads to a hotel across from the convention center. Room 428. Oak door. Can’t miss it.
Jules: That’s more specific than usual.
Shawn: Sometimes the spirits are in a giving mood. You won’t find Malone, but I sense some seriously dark…

Detective O’Hara picks up her phone.

Shawn: Juju magumbo went down in there.

Detective O’Hara talks on the phone.

Jules: Yeah, send some uniforms to the hotel across from the convention center, and tell them to cordon off Room 428. Good.

Detective O’Hara hangs up the phone, and turns to Shawn.

Jules: This had better be for real.

Detective O’Hara grabs her jacket, and prepares to leave.

Jules: So, how was the convention? A lot of cool stuff going on, I bet.
Shawn: Oh, come on. Not you, too.
Gus: You’re a collector, too?
Jules: Since middle school.
Gus: I just got Hiltz Kooler’s autograph.
Jules: Shut up, you did not?!
Gus: Yes, I did.

Shawn raises his hand.

Shawn: Hi, missing kid, worried mom. Can we uh, focus here?
Gus: Since when did you get so structured?

Shawn points at Gus.

Shawn: Since you turned into Urkel…

Shawn points at Detective O’Hara.

Shawn: And, and you just became Jan Brady…
Gus: Wow.
Shawn: Tina Yothers…there’s…there’s not an exact match for that.

Detective O’Hara leaves.

Gus: You didn’t want to tell her about our suspicions with the Parastone executives?
Shawn: Please, Gus, we have to leave something to divine later.

Detective Lassiter is still driving with Chief Vick.

Lassiter: Yeah. This is nice. It’s a good one-on-one time. Let the guard down. You know, I had an idea not too long ago, and it’s funny I should think of it now, but it really doesn’t make any sense to have so many officers working the daytime shift at Grab.
Chief: Detective.
Lassiter: Since most car thefts occur at night.
Chief: Lassiter.
Lassiter: Now, if you were to split the shift, go with me on this…
Chief: Carlton!
Lassiter: What?
Chief: My water just broke. Oh!
Lassiter: Are you sure?
Chief: No, Carlton, there’s water spilling out of me for some other reason.
Lassiter: Oh, no. Oh, can you move my briefcase?
Chief: Your briefcase?
Lassiter: It might be in the line of the…
Chief: Do you understand how uncomfortable this is?
Lassiter: It’s leather. I didn’t Scotchguard it!

Chief Vick glares at Detective Lassiter.

Lassiter: You know, what? Never mind. Just has tremendous sentimental value.
Chief: Just take me to the nearest hospital. All right?

Detective Lassiter prepares to put the siren on.

Chief: Oh, I don’t think we need that.
Lassiter: Oh, I think we do.

Detective Lassiter puts the siren on the roof of the car.

Lassiter: Do you know what? We’ll use the siren, too. For you. Just in case.

Detective Lassiter turns on the siren.

Gus and Shawn are exiting the convention center when they meet Hiltz Kooler.

Hiltz: Hey, guys.
Gus: Hey.
Hiltz: Oh, can’t stop to talk. Got to sign autographs.

Hitlz Kooler rushes inside the convention center.

Shawn: Look, dude, I got a date with that Talia girl from the studio in, like, an hour. A nice romantic walk on the beach to Jim’s, best scungilli in Santa Barbara.
Gus: Why couldn’t you just talk to her now?
Shawn: Because, Gus, happy hour doesn’t start until five.
Gus: You’re supposed to be figuring out if she’s innocent.
Shawn: That’s exactly what I plan to do.

George Takei stops Shawn and Gus.

George: Shawn.
Shawn: G.T.
George: The blueberries are still wrong. I requested North Carolina blueberries, but they sent me Michigan blueberries. People say I’m crazy, but I can taste the difference.
Shawn: I don’t think that’s crazy at all.
George: And I requested that my green room not be at the end of the hall. I have to be in the middle. It’s affecting my chi.
Shawn: Gus.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Did you skimp out and get the Michigan blueberries?
Gus: What:
Shawn: And screw up the room location? And what are you doing to George’s chi? Are you touching it and whatnot? Stop it. This is my fault, Mr. Takei. My fault for farming out responsibilities that I should have seen to personally. My humblest apologies. We’ll get you the right blueberries as soon as possible, and a better room assignment. You have my word.
George: Well, all right, then. Good help is hard to find, I suppose.

George Takei glares at Burton Guster as he walks away.

Gus: Why did you blame that on me?
Shawn: Dude, we needed a fall guy.
Gus: I can’t be the fall guy in front of one of my heroes, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay, you and I need to create a third imaginary assistant that’s completely incompetent. I think her name should be Beatrice. What say you?

Later, Shawn Spencer and Talia are strolling by the beach. Talia is on her phone.

Talia: All right, yeah, just send it to my assistant.
Shawn: It’s tremendous. You don’t mind it, though. You don’t mind all the comic book stuff?
Talia: It’s fun, harmless, a little wish fulfillment. Oh, come on, you didn’t pretend to fly around like Superman when you were a kid?

Shawn is silent.

Shawn: So, uh, pretty high stakes on the Red Phantom movie, huh?
Talia: We, uh, took a bath a couple of years ago on this other comic book movie, The Adventures of the Green Spirit.
Shawn: Yeah, the nipple flick.
Talia: God, is that all anyone remembers about that movie?
Shawn: Yes.
Talia: Ugh, we had to build a landfill for the unsold action figures. So, we’re pulling out all the stops to launch the trailer for the Red Phantom movie. You know, lasers, music. Dent even organized this whole pyrotechnics display. Word of mouth is the first and most vital step in this world.
Shawn: Vital enough to pay somebody off?
Talia: What?
Shawn: Hmm? Let’s say there’s a blogger, right? And he’s wielding way more power than he should, and he can be had for a price. You guys would be fools not to take a shot, right?
Talia: Who are you, Shawn?
Shawn: I’m a psychic. I work with the police. I’m investigating a disappearance. Malone Breyfogle. The Malcontent. I’m sensing you probably know a lot about him.
Talia: Okay, this conversation is over.
Shawn: No! It’s just starting to get good. See, he reneged on a promise and now he’s missing.
Talia: Missing? Look, whether or not this guy had a consultation fee is beside the point. We don’t harm people. It’s just a movie.
Shawn: Just a movie? You think your boss will tell me the same thing?
Talia: I don’t know. Why don’t we go ask him together? Dent is back at our convention headquarters.
Shawn: Fine. So, no scungilli, then?

Shawn and Talia return to the convention center.

Shawn: I didn’t expect you to be so cooperative. So, if I seemed a little pushy…
Talia: Accusing me of kidnapping?
Shawn: I accused you of bribery. I implied you may have had something to do with the kidnapping. There’s a difference. You know, a lot of couples start off on the wrong foot. It just means we have nowhere to go but up.
Talia: Well, when you’re done here with Dent, we’re done.

Talia enters their headquarters followed by Shawn.

Talia: What the…

The room is ransacked.

Talia: Oh, my God. What happened here? Where is he?
Shawn: Some seriously dark juju magumbo went down in here.

Shawn spots a note on the desk.

Shawn: “Two down, one to go”. Okay, good news, your boss is innocent. Bad news, he just became a face on a milk carton.

Later, Shawn and Gus go over to a Churros cart.

Gus: I checked Malone’s blog again today. There are more entries blazing the Red Phantom movie. I think Malone was kidnapped before the blogs showed up. He was probably going to honor his deal with Parastone.
Shawn: So, the kidnapper is the one roasting this new movie online?
Gus: He also wrote, “The guilty will pay.”
Shawn: “The guilty will pay.”
Gus: Yep.
Shawn: Wow. One of these comic book freaks has clearly blurred the line between reality and…comic book.
Gus: The kidnapper still has one more person to snatch, and it appears he’s targeting anyone involved in this bribery scam.

Gus’ cell phone starts ringing.

Shawn: Talia. Talia has to be the next victim. We need to get the real police in here.

Gus answers his cell phone.

Gus: Hello? Uh, hello, Mr. Takei, what can I do for you? Just name it. Hold on. It’s for you.

Gus hands over his phone to Shawn.

Shawn: G-Dog. What’s up, handsome? Beatrice? I canned her. Yeah, she’s out of here. Tonight? Absolutely, sir. I’ll meet you there.

Shawn hangs up.

Shawn: Huh.
Gus: What? What’s happening?
Shawn: Karaoke with George later.
Gus: Get out of here! This is a Trek fan’s dream come true.
Shawn: Hmm, awkward.
Gus: What?
Shawn: He sort of just invited me. You know what? Call him back. Tell him I said we need you for all the high harmonies.

Shawn returns Gus’ phone.

Gus: This is messed up Shawn.
Shawn: No, this is messed up. This isn’t a churro. This is…
Gus: I don’t know what this is.

Chief Vick is at the maternity ward. Detective Lassiter enters the room.

Lassiter: Okay, finally got a hold of your husband. He’s on his way, but apparently traffic is a nightmare.
Chief: Thank you, Carlton.
Doctor: Everything’s looking really good. You just relax, okay.
Lassiter: I’m going to go now and let you know…
Chief: No! Wait, wait, wait. Don’t…don’t go.
Lassiter: You want me to stay?
Chief: Yeah. In class, I always had a coach. So, just stand here and keep your eyes north of the equator.
Lassiter: Yeah, that won’t be a problem.

Detective Lassiter takes off his jacket.

Doctor: You ready for your epidural?
Chief: No, thank you. I’m going to do this naturally.

Detective Lassiter looks at Chief Vick as a nurse helps him put on his dressing gown.

Doctor: Okay. We’ll hold off, then.
Chief: Mmm-hmm.
Lassiter: Are you insane?
Chief: I don’t need it.
Lassiter: Listen, I would put myself on a morphine pump if I were going to push eleven pounds of limbs and elbows out of…

Chief Vick puts her hand up.

Chief: I’ve made my decision.
Lassiter: And I admire you for it.

Meanwhile, Shawn and Gus are back at the convention.

Shawn: Have you considered this? Maybe the whole thing is a stunt.
Gus: What do you mean?
Shawn: You know, to promote the movie. The whole scenario is just to fantastical. It’s like a plot to a comic book. Dent could have arrange it, maybe Talia. It could have been all three of them. It’s just so theatrical with the cryptic notes.

Detective O’Hara runs over Shawn and Gus.

Jules: Shawn.
Shawn: Hi.
Jules: Hi. Gus said you’ve seen the kidnapper.
Shawn: You told her that?
Gus: We needed her.
Jules: Can you give me a description?
Shawn: You can’t tell her I’ve seen the kidnapper when I didn’t see the kidnapper.

Shawn turns to Detective O’Hara.

Shawn: I didn’t see the kidnapper.
Jules: You didn’t?
Shawn: I saw through the kidnapper’s eyes. He was stalking his next victim. It was a woman.

Shawn pretends to have a psychic vision.

Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Talia! It’s Talia.
Jules: Wait. The woman you discovered the second note with is the third victim?
Shawn: Quite possibly, or she could be the kidnapper.
Gus: So what? She’s kidnapping herself?
Shawn: Or the second victim is the kidnapper, and he was just pretending to get kidnapped.
Jules: Guys, I just saw her. She’s outside on the phone.
Shawn: Man.

Shawn followed by Detective O’Hara and Gus rush outside.

Shawn: Where did you see her last?
Jules: Over there.
Shawn: Oh,man.

Shawn sees Talia’s cellphone on the ground.

Shawn: “9-1…” Uh-oh.
Gus: What? No note?

Shawn looks at one of the woman attendees who is wearing a skimpy costume.

Shawn: Wait a minute.

Shawn notices that the woman is stepping on the note. The woman leaves, but the note is stuck on her heel. Shawn follows her.

Shawn: Excuse me.

Shawn pulls her feet, and takes the note off the woman’s heel.

Shawn: Thank you.

Shawn reads the note.

Shawn: “Judgment day”! Looks like Talia’s joined Malone and Dent in missing-persons land.

Police Officers rush inside the convention center.

Shawn: Judgment day? It sounds bad. That’s like, the day that you’re judged.
Gus: In T2 it was the end of mankind. Though I doubt our kidnapper has first-strike nuclear capabilities.
Shawn: Ooh!

Shawn Spencer walks over to the table with a bowl of cheese doodles. Shawn takes and munches on one.

Gus: What the hell are you doing?
Shawn: Running makes me hungry. You know that.
Gus: You don’t know where those have been. They can have bird flu on them or something.

Gus opens his comic book to read it.

Shawn: Bird flu. Wow. Look at you. How can you read a comic book at a time like this?
Gus: First of all, I can read a comic anytime, and secondly, Juliet has almost the entire police force inside there. They’ll find Talia and the others.
Shawn: Dude, whatever this crazy person has planned for these people, he’s gonna do it soon. He has all his victims. We need to figure out who stands to gain from the disappearance of those three, and who would want the Red Phantom movie to tank this badly.
Gus: Why don’t you ask your friend, George Takei?
Shawn: I would, but once he starts singing Afternoon Delight, he just goes to another place.
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: Juliet didn’t find anything at the latest crime scene to help?
Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: No forensics on the note?
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: What?

Gus shows Shawn the comic book.

Gus: Look. It’s the same as the note in Malone’s room.
Shawn: Somebody’s recreating the crime from this comic book. What happens in this thing?
Gus: A supervillain named Fear Career, he kidnaps the judge, prosecutor, and defense attorney he felt locked him up years ago.
Shawn: Fear Career. Awesome. Then what?
Gus: He sets them on fire.
Shawn: He sets them on fire?
Gus: Yeah.
Shawn: Give me that.

Shawn grabs Gus’ comic book.

Gus: What the hell are you doing?
Shawn: I’m looking for clues.
Gus: You’re ruining a first printing near-mint work of art.

Shawn carelessly browses Gus’ comic book with his filthy hands.

Gus: I’ve been looking for that comic for five years now.
Shawn: Gus, lives are at stake.
Gus: The kidnapper must be some kind of deranged fan.
Shawn: Deranged? Yes. Fan? I’m not so sure.

Shawn tears in half the comic book.

Gus: Wait, what? What? What the…

Shawn hands Gus half of the comic book then rushes off.

Shawn: You’re buying me another one. First printing!

Meanwhile, Chief Vick is already in labor. Chief Vick groans in pain.

Doctor: She’s not focusing. Can you help motivate her a little bit?
Lassiter: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Motivation was my thing at the academy.

Detective Lassiter turns to Chief Vick such that his face is only a few inches away from her.

Lassiter: All right, now you listen to me! It’s time to squeeze this puppy out. When I say push, I want you to push, you understand me?! You’re gonna push! Push! Push!

Furious Chief Vick faces Detective Lassiter.

Chief: Yeah, that’s not really working for me right now!
Lassiter: Fine, I was just giving it a shot! Um, okay, okay.

Detective Lassiter moves closer to Chief Vick, and tries to comfort her.

Lassiter: Just, just remain calm. Everything’s gonna be fine.
Chief: Uh, yeah. I don’t need that either!

Chief Vick pushes Detective Lassiter away.

Lassiter: I don’t know what you want then! I don’t know what any woman wants.
Chief: Just give me your hand and shut the hell up.

Chief Vick grabs Detective Lassiter’s hand, and she squeezes it tightly.

Doctor: It’s crowning. Here we go. Here we go.

Chief Vick groans then screams. The baby comes out. Detective Lassiter gasps.

Doctor: It’s a girl.

The baby starts crying.

Lassiter: We did it.
Doctor: Want to cut the cord, Dad?
Lassiter: No, I’m not…yeah, okay.

Chief Vick watches as Detective Lassiter cuts the umbilical cord. The nurse hands the baby to Detective Lassiter.

Lassiter: Oh, oh, you’re going to…oh!

Detective Lassiter carries the baby.

Lassiter: Hi, there. Nice to meet you. Children are one of the reasons my wife and I split up. She didn’t think I wanted any. She was wrong.
Chief: Yeah, that’s great, Carlton. You think I might hold my baby now?
Lassiter: Oh, of course.

At the convention center, Shawn and Gus search for Detective O’Hara.

Shawn: We need to find Juliet fast.
Gus: She’s in plain clothes. She could be anywhere in this place. It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.
Shawn: I know how I can get her attention.
Gus: Shawn! Will you stop going up there?
Shawn: Sorry. Judgment day. Got to do it.

Shawn makes his way to the stage. Gus runs after him.

Emcee:Ladies and gentlemen. George…uh

Shawn runs up the stage, and to the podium.

Emcee: Okay, okay.
Man on PA: Please welcome back to the stage psychic Shawn Spencer!

The crowd applauds. Shawn silences them. He pretends to have a psychic vision.

Shawn: I’m sensing something. Something strong. A spirit. A disturbed spirit.

Gus walks to the side of the stage. George Takei forcefully grabs his arm.

George: Why is my assistant up there?
Gus: Maybe he’s setting up a karaoke machine for your duet, Chekov.
George: Sulu, damn it!
Shawn: It’s getting clear now. It’s a kidnapping spirit responsible for crimes committed right here at the con! I need help! I must call upon the powers of Magic Head!

Shawn points to Gus.

All: Magic Head! Magic Head! Magic Head! Magic Head! Magic Head!

George turns to Gus.

George: Who’s Magic Head?

Gus hesitantly walks up the stage.

George: Where are you going?

The crowd including the emcee cheer. Gus waves at the crowd then walks towards Shawn. Shawn puts his hand on Gus’ head.

Shawn: I can see it now!

The police officers watch Shawn.

Shawn: It is a vengeful spirit and there is a color.

Detective O’Hara makes her way through the crowd.

Shawn: The color is green. It is the Green Spirit! The kidnapper is the creator of The Green Spirit, Hiltz Kooler.

The crowd parts revealing Hiltz Kooler sitting at his table reading a comic book.

Shawn: Ah, yes, you had motive, didn’t you? The studio execs bastardized your beloved Green Spirit, and turned him into a pop culture punch line. You hated Malone, The Malcontent, because it was his tidal wave of bad buzz that sunk your flick. You were on the brink of becoming a mogul, but then it all slipped away. Now, you’re reduced to cursing nipples, and signing autographs at conventions like a classic supervillain, you were driven mad by revenge. You read Malone’s blogs, looking for clues to his true identity.

Flashback: Hiltz Kooler is in front of his laptop reading the Fortress of Attitude.

Shawn: Then,one day, like manna from heaven, The Malcontent blogged he was coming here. You also read the execs who had screwed your character would be here, too. All the people that wronged you in the same place at the same time. The opportunity was too good to pass up, and you could hide your identity by wearing a costume.

Flashback: Hiltz Kooler already in his costume puts on his mask, and cocks his gun.

Shawn: And every time you snatched one of your victims, you left a note just like Fear Career in your comic.
Gus: Yes! People. This was written by a criminal.

Burton Guster reads his comic book.

Shawn: There is malice in the ink. I can see it now. Hiltz always had a very distinctive way of writing the letter “O”. It has the swirl.

Shawn shows the crowd a page from Hiltz Kooler’s comic book.

Shawn: I’m sure if the police analyzed this autograph, they’ll see the handwriting is an exact match for the kidnapper’s threatening notes.

The crowd applauds. Detective O’Hara makes her way to Hiltz Kooler. The crowd continues to applaud.

George: It’s the same thing that happened in San Antonio.

Detective O’Hara arrest Hiltz Kooler.

Jules: Where are your victims?
Hiltz: My plan is already in motion and there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Shawn Spencer recalls him and Gus going through the comic book.

Shawn: Somebody’s recreating the crime from this comic book. What happens in this thing?
Gus: He sets them on fire.

Shawn calls Detective O’Hara’s attention.

Shawn: They’re near fire!

Shawn recalls his stroll with Talia.

Talia: Dent even organized this whole pyrotechnics display.

Shawn turns to Hiltz Kooler and notices sequins on his shoulder, and the fabric that covers the stage.

Shawn: Under the stage!

Detective O’Hara goes under the stage, and finds the explosives.

Jules: Oh, down here!

Police officers follow her down. Detective O’Hara finds the victims tied with their mouths taped over with duct tape.

Jules: They’re here. All of them. Look, don’t worry, everything’s going to be just fine, okay? We’re going to get you out of here.

Detective O’Hara turns to the other police officers.

Jules: Guys.

The next day, Detective O’Hara, Gus, Shawn, and Detective Lassiter are at the hospital’s nursery. Shawn updates Detective Lassiter.

Shawn: So, after I collared the villain and saved the girl, Jules grabbed the others, and everyone hoisted me on their shoulders, carried me to the car chanting my name. It as awesome. Oh, but your story about cutting the cord was good, too. Lot of drama, suspense, twist ending that I don’t think any of us saw coming.
Jules: At which point did you faint?

Detective O’Hara turns to Detective Lassiter.

Lassiter: I did not faint. I was merely resting my eyes momentarily and fell slightly backwards.
Shawn: Hey, I don’t know if it makes a difference. I think you’re a hero.

Detective O’Hara turns to Gus.

Jules: Which one is hers?
Gus: I don’t know. Lassiter, you cut the cord.
Lassiter: Well, they all look alike.
Shawn: Is there one that poops a lot?
Lassiter: I know. Let’s ask our psychic.
Shawn: You know what guys, this is weird. I’m not getting anything. I think one of these babies might be evil, blocking my abilities to communicate. Damien?

Chief Vick walks over to them.

Chief: Come on. Isn’t it obvious? She looks exactly like me.

Chief Vick points at one of the babies.

Chief: Hi.
Jules: Chief, should you be up and walking?
Chief: Walking? I’m coming to work tomorrow.
Shawn: No, don’t be ridiculous. You need to go home with your child. Relax. Take a load off. Refresh yourself. January, I think January. Come back in January.

Days later, Gus and Henry are sitting at the den when Shawn enters the room.

Shawn: So glad you both could make it.
Henry: Make it? I live here.
Gus: What’s that behind your back, Shawn?
Shawn: I dropped back by the con.
Gus: You went back without me?
Shawn: Those people, good people, good hearts. You were right from the beginning, Gus, and I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. Introducing, Tranya Independent Comics’ latest limited-edition one-shot…

Shawn shows them the poster.

Shawn: Surprise.

The poster is the front cover of a comic book called “The Amazing Psych-Man”. Gus reads the cover.

Gus: “Follow the adventures of Psych-Man as he uses his bizarre mental powers to foil criminal plots with his sidekick Magic Head.”
Shawn: And…

Shawn shows them a poster of Magic Head, a short version of Gus holding a wand, and wearing a mad-hatter’s hat with a bunny on top of it.

Shawn: Bam!

Henry Spencer snickers.

Gus: What’s that supposed to be?
Shawn: Dude, it’s Magic Head! It’s like looking in a mirror.
Gus: Why would I need a wand when I have a magic head?
Shawn: It’s, it’s a ceremonial thing. It’s, it’s just…it’s you know, representative. You don’t actually use the wnad.
Gus: That’s stupid.
Shawn: I think it’s dope. Now, who wants an autograph?

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Shawn vs. The Red Phantom” episode was written by Anupam Nigam. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.


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