Marty Crane and Daphne Moon are having breakfast.
Marty: A hell of a breakfast, Daph. I’m stuffed.
Daphne: Thanks. Now come on, let’s do some exercises.
Marty: And risk a cramp? What kind of training did you get?
Frasier Crane enters the living room.
Frasier: Good morning.
Marty: Hey Fras want some breakfast?
Frasier: Oh, no thanks.
Frasier Crane grabs a chair.
Frasier: Coffee will be fine. Hi Daph, uh, listen, I could use an objective opinion. I am running for condo board president. I want to know what you think of this as a slogan: “Frasier Crane: the People’s Elixir”.
Marty: Okay, I’m ready for my exercises now.
Frasier: Please, Dad. This is serious. I have a feeling this could be my year.
Daphne: Don’t you say that every year?
Frasier: Yes, I do, but, this year I’m the only one running against the incumbent, which means the people will rally their inchoate yearnings for change behind my banner.
Marty: Well, you’re full of catchy slogans. Frasier, don’t get your hopes up too high. I mean, name one person on the condo board you haven’t ticked off at least once.
Frasier: That’s just because I have a type-A, hands-on, get-it-done personality.
Marty: Seriously, name one. You know Fras, you might be the best man for the job, but a friendly smile, and a “How do you do?” in the hallway goes a lot further than being “the People’s Laxative”.
Frasier: Elixir. Well, I suppose you’re right. I haven’t really established myself as the neighborly sort. I thought that my term as fire safety captain might do the trick, but, I guess I drilled them once too often.
Daphne Mon turns to Marty Crane.
Daphne: Maybe you could give him lessons on how to be a normal person.
Frasier: I beg your pardon? Say, I’ve got an idea. Dad, why don’t you just run?
Marty: Why would I want to do that?
Frasier: Well, because then the people would get their regular guy, but he would have my political agenda.
Daphne: I get it. Your father’s the figurehead, like Woodrow Wilson when he had that stroke, and his wife secretly acted as president.
Frasier: Yes, exactly, but of course Dad would be conscious, presumably.
Frasier laughs and takes a sip at his coffee. Marty turns to Daphne.
Marty: How’d you know about that?
Daphne: I’m studying for my citizenship exam.
Daphne Moon takes her plate, and coffee cup, and makes her way to the kitchen.
Daphne: It’s about time I became an American like everyone else.
Frasier: If you were like everyone else, you wouldn’t know any history. So, Dad, what do you think?
Marty: Eh, I don’t know…sounds like a big pain.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Dad. Think of the neighbors. Think of the building, the good we could do together. We can actually achieve the dream of luxury apartment living that our founders intended. Plus, I’ll do all the work.
Marty: I’ll tell you something I always thought we needed: wider parking spaces so the doors don’t get dinged.
Frasier: All right, you do this for me, I’ll make sure that gets done.
Frasier: Absolutely…Mr. President.
Marty: I like the sound of that.
Frasier: Now, I think I should still run against you.
Frasier Crane makes his way to the front door.
Frasier: Well, if I drop out just as you announce your candidacy, people might suspect something’s up. It’s better that our political legerdemain remain sub rosa, hmm? How would a normal person say that, Dad?
Marty: No one needs to know how the hot dogs are made.
Frasier: This is gonna be sweet.
At the condo board meeting, Frasier Crane addresses his neighbors.
Frasier: Which brings me to my final opponent, Martin Crane. Now, we’re all aware that he is a decorated war hero, and a much-honored police officer, but does he have the building’s interests at heart? Maybe. I simply ask that you stack up his forty-five years of experience against my term as fire safety captain. Thank you, and God Bless Elliot Bay Towers.
Board Member: And now we’ll hear from Martin Crane.
The neighbors clap and cheer. Martin Crane stands up, and takes the stage.
Marty: Ah, thanks, uh, I’m Marty Crane. Uh, I just want to say that it’s a privelege to run, and, uh, I’ll try to do the best I can. Uh, thank you, and…go Seahawks!
Marty laughs, and the neighbors applaud.
Board Member: Uh, here’s we’d hear from our third candidate current president Jim McIntyre, but, uh, last night he informed me that he was giving up condo board in order to pursue his dream of teaching English as a second language.
Frasier Crane turns to his father.
Frasier: Dream? Or court-ordered community service?
Board Member: So I guess, it’s time to vote.
Marty: Well, I wish I would’ve known that guy wasn’t going to run. I wouldn’t have to spend all night working on my speech.
Frasier: Yes…plus, I would automatically be president now.
Marty: Yeah. Even you couldn’t lose a one-man election.
Frasier: Hmm? You’re forgetting 1998.
Marty: Oh, yeah, when you lost to the dead guy.
Frasier: He wasn’t dead. He was in a comma. How was I supposed to compete with that?
Board Member: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner in a surprisingly close vote of fifteen to two. Our new president is Martin Crane.
Martin Crane chuckles as his neighbors applaud him.
Frasier: Yes! I got two votes.
Daphne Moon holds the door as their massage therapist makes her way out.
Daphne Moon closes the door.
Daphne: Oh…what a great massage. It’s too bad her English wasn’t better. She could have told us some of her secrets.
Daphne Moon sits on the leather chair beside Niles Crane.
Niles: Yes, but now we know that Urdu is the official language of heaven. I could go for a snack. Want some pate?
Daphne: No, thanks.
Niles: Some cheese?
Daphne: Again, no. How about a salad?
Niles: Or a fruit salad? Ooh, I could throw together a little mélange.
Niles Crane gets up his chair. The doorbell rings.
Daphne: I’ll get it. A mélange sounds lovely.
Daphne Moon opens the door.
Daphne: Roz, I thought you were going out with that man from your gym.
Roz: We didn’t even make it to dinner. Here’s your never-fail date purse back.
Roz Doyle hands Daphne Moon her purse.
Daphne: Oh, I’m sorry. No, come on in.
Roz: Are you sure? You look like you’re going to bed.
Daphne: No, we just got a massage. Come in.
Roz Doyle steps inside the house.
Roz: Oh, boy a massage sounds wonderful.
Daphne: She did the most incredible thing to my neck.
Roz Doyle takes a sit on the couch.
Daphne: Here, let me show you.
Daphne Moon massages Roz Doyle’s neck.
Daphne: Mm-hmm. So, how could you tell your date wasn’t meant to be?
Roz: He had the same purse. Wow, that feels so good
Niles Crane enters the living room carrying with him a tray.
Niles: Oh! Hi, Roz.
Daphne: Poor thing had a bad date.
Niles: Oh, I’m sorry. Well, now that Daphne’s helping you relax, you want to join us in a little mélange?
Roz Doyle’s face changes to an expression that shouts awkward.
Daphne: You’ll love it. Niles is amazing.
Roz: Wait, what are you saying?
Daphne: Unless you have other plans.
Roz: Well…I guess not, but…
Niles: Great. Then here you go.
Niles Crane hands Roz Doyle a fruit salad.
Roz: Oh! Fruit salad! Oh, my God. I thought you said “ménage”.
All three laugh.
Niles: Well, the fruits do mix a little promiscuously.
Roz: I mean, I was thinking, “Oh my God, what are they saying?”
Daphne Moon laughs.
Niles: Rest assured we would have offered you something more than fruit salad to get you in the mood.
Daphne: You know what? She didn’t say “no”.
Niles Crane hands Daphne a bowl of fruit salad.
Niles: You’re right! She didn’t!
Roz: It was only becauseit was so weird I didn’t know what to say.
Daphne: Is that why?
Niles: I think someone has a little crush on us.
Roz: You wish.
Niles Crane laughs.
Daphne: We know what you wish.
Niles Crane chuckles.
Roz: Okay, okay, forget it. Let’s talk about something else. What are you guys gonna do this weekend?
Niles: You, if you get your way.
Niles and Daphne share a seat. They both laugh. Roz Doyle is not laughing, and her face has turned sour.
Daphne: So, if we had have asked you, you would have said “no”?
Roz: Of course, I would have.
Niles: I see, and what’s wrong with us?
Daphne: Do you find us unattractive?
Niles: What if we wore masks?
Daphne: Oh, that’d have to be Nixon and Frankenstein. That’s all we’ve got.
Roz: All right, you guys! Stop it! I’m sorry I didn’t understand your little code word for fruit salad.
Daphne: We’re sorry. Here you haven’t even had dinner, and we’re teasing you.
Niles: Oh, you haven’t? I didn’t know that. Let me make you something.
Roz: No, it’s okay. I’m not that hungry.
Daphne: Oh, come on.
Roz: Well, all right, I wouldn’t say no to a sandwich.
Both Daphne Moon and Niles Crane guffaw.
The next day, Frasier Crane is on the phone while Marty Crane is watching television.
Frasier: Yes, he’s doing a hell of a job, isn’t he? Haha! Oh, listen what did you think of the new plants in the lobby? Dad was particularly pleased with how they complimented the filigree in the sconces.
Marty: Don’t tell people that!
Frasier: Yes, I suppose the best man did win. Bye-bye.
Frasier Crane hangs up the phone.
Frasier: Another satisfied constituent.
The doorbell rings.
Marty: Well, whoop-de-do.
Frasier Crane opens the door.
Paul: Frasier. Hey, Marty…
Paul steps inside the house.
Marty: Hey, Paul.
Paul: I just came down to congratulate you.
Paul shakes Marty Crane’s hand.
Paul: Every president talks about getting new dryers, but you finally did something about it.
Frasier: Ah, you see, Dad, they love what you’re doing for the building! Of course, the sting of losing was quite painful, but it’s worth it if we can have a laundry room that can take us into the 21st century.
Paul: You’re being a good sport about this, Frasier.
Frasier: Well, you know, public-spiritedness is the Crane code.
Marty: Right on! Uh, Paul, could you, uh…
Marty Crane gestures for Paul to move aside.
Paul: Oh, sure. Oh hey, is it okay if I move the recycling bins down to the landing at the bottom of the stairs?
Marty: Knock yourself out.
Paul: Great. Thanks.
Frasier: Is this going to be a problem?
Frasier: I think we need to reach, uh, a little understanding. Now, if someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose…
Frasier Crane scratches his nose with his point finger.
Frasier: It means “no”. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters—N-O.
Marty Crane looks annoyed.
Frasier: Now if I touch my eye…
Frasier Crane touches the side of his eye.
Frasier: It means “aye”, as in “yes”.
Marty: Guess what you’re being if I touch my ass.
Marty: I think I can at least take care of the no-brainer decisions myself.
Frasier: That is not how this is supposed to work.
Marty: Well, I thought how this was supposed to work was that if I agreed to do this you’d do the one thing I asked for.
Frasier: Yes, wider parking spaces! But I have five years of ideas here to implement first.
Frasier Crane taps on the pile of papers on his coffee table.
Marty: Five years?! By the time I get my parking space, I’ll be driving a three-wheeled scooter with an oxygen tank on the back.
Frasier: Look, even if I could fast-track it, there are feasibility studies to be done. The—there’s a committee review and there’s a bidding process. You can’t just hire some guy with a can of paint.
Marty: That’s what I’d do.
Frasier: Well, that is why you’re not in charge. Now, here’s your agenda for the next meeting.
Frasier Crane hands Marty Crane a piece of yellow paper.
Frasier: Make sure that you follow it to the letter.
Marty: Yes, master.
Marty Crane gets up his chair, and makes his way to the kitchen.
Frasier: Dad, I sense you chafing under the cruel yoke of public service. Remember, we must subordinate our won wishes for the good of the building. And that is not one of our hand signals.
Marty Crane presides over the condo board meeting.
Marty: Next item. Study to determine the feasibility of putting…
Marty Crane struggles to read what was written on the paper.
Marty: Something on the roof. Any volunteers?
Frasier Crane raises his hand, and gets up his chair.
Frasier: I volunteer, and I would like to explore, uh, the idea of putting a patio on the roof.
Marty: All right. Well, that about wraps things up.
Frasier Crane prepares to take a seat, but stands up again.
Frasier: Uh, query.
Frasier: Wasn’t there something else you wanted to bring up?
Marty: Nope. Don’t think so.
Frasier: Are you sure? I—I could have sworn I heard the president say something about a new ventilation system.
Marty: Oh, we’ve done enough for tonight.
Frasier: No, you haven’t!
Marty Crane becomes startled. Frasier Crane catches himself for his sudden outburst.
Frasier: I’m certain that if you simply consult the agenda, which you so painstakingly prepared, you will find that there is one last item.
Marty: Oh, yeah. Here it is. Wider parking spaces.
Man #1: Oh, that’s good.
Man #2: Real good.
Paul: Great idea. Classic Marty.
Frasier: Are you sure it’s not a ventilation system?
Marty Crane looks closer at the paper.
Marty: No. Wider…spaces. Those in favor of better parking?
Everybody except Frasier: Aye!
Marty: Opposed to better parking?
Marty: Motion carries.
Marty: Not recognized!
Paul: Marty, I’m afraid I’d have to interrupt. There’s a delivery for you. Bring it in, Mrs. Richtman.
Paul stands up. Mrs. Richman pushing a cart with a cake on it enters the room.
Mrs. Richman: Here we go.
Marty Crane laughs in delight.
Marty: Whoa! A cake! What’s the occasion?
Paul: We wanted to show you our appreciation for all the great things you’ve done for us.
Marty: Wow! I never thought I’d see myself in frosting.
Paul: In the last couple of weeks, you’ve done more for this building than the last two presidents combined. Where did you get all these great ideas?
Marty: Oh-ho! I don’t know. They just come to me while I’m trying to watch TV.
Frasier Crane sneers.
Marty: Why don’t you make yourself useful, and cut the cake, Fras?
Frasier: My pleasure, Mr. President.
Frasier Crane takes the knife then angrily slashes the cake that has Marty Crane’s picture on it.
Later, Frasier Crane is at the table busy working. Marty Crane arrives.
Marty Crane makes his way to the kitchen carrying a plate of cake.
Marty: Oh, don’t be sore. I’ll get to the ventilation system eventually.
Frasier: You went back on our agreement. I’m the one who’s supposed to call the shots around here.
Marty Crane puts the plate on top of the counter.
Marty: Our agreement was that I’d get wider parking spaces, but you blew me off.
Marty Crane carrying a folder makes his way out of the kitchen.
Marty: As far as I’m concerned, the agreement is over.
Marty Crane pulls out a chair, and sits at the dining table opposite Frasier.
Marty: Besided, I think I have a knack for this president thing. Now, I’d like to keep you on my team, but, uh, if it’s too rough for you just say the word.
Frasier: Well, well, well. The puppet thinks he’s a real boy.
Marty Crane just smiles.
Frasier: I don’t hink you have the skills for this job.
Marty: I have something better—people skills.
Frasier: So, do I! But these boobs and nincompoops are too stupid to see it!
Marty: Well, if you’re so sure you’re indispensable maybe you should run for president. Oh, wait. You did. Five times.
Frasier: They wouldn’t love you so much if it weren’t my ideas!
Marty Crane makes his way to his bedroom.
Marty: Right, because you need a PhD to think of repainting the lobby. Oh, wait. You don.t
Frasier: Would you stop doing that!
Marty: You’re right. It’s not an effective way to argue. Oh, wait. It is.
--CHECK YOUR SEATTLE GUIDE BOOKS FOR DIRECTIONS—
Daphne Moon and Niles Crane are at Café Nervosa.
Daphne: Don’t you just love this part of American history?
Niles: I’m not much of a Civil War buff.
Daphne: Really? It’s fascinating. Much more so than the English Civl War.
Niles Crane gasps.
Niles: Impossible! Didn’t you want to be there when Charles I unfurled his standard at Nottingham in 1642?
Daphne: Ugh. You sound like school.
Frasier Crane is at the counter getting his coffee.
Niles: Ugh, we’ll let Frasier settle it. Which civil war was more interesting?
Frasier Crane pulls out a chair.
Frasier: But I don’t have time to prove it. I’ve got to go confront Evita Peron at the condo board meeting tonight.
Niles: I thought he was doing a good job.
Frasier: Well, he was until he started to think for himself! He’s so damn popular that everybody else just follows along. It’s like the blind leading the blind.
Frasier: But it will not stand! As soon as he calls for new business tonight, I am going to leap to my feet, and expose him! For the power-mad dictator that he’s become.
Frasier Crane gulps his coffee.
Frasier: Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm.
Frasier Crane gets up his chair.
Frasier: Then I’ll take over.
Frasier Crane makes his way to the door.
Daphne: Dr. Crane!
Niles: Frasier, Frasier!
Frasier Crane turns around.
Daphne: Maybe you should take it easy on your father.
Daphne: Because he’s getting out more, having fun with other people in the building. You can’t take that away from him.
Niles: You get to get to be a big shot all the time. This is Dad’s turn in the limelight. It’s good for his self-esteem.
Frasier: I don’t know why I even talk to you people.
Frasier Crane makes his way out the door, while Roz Crane enters.
Frasier: Not now!
Roz Doyle sees Daphne Moon and Niles Crane.
Roz: Hi, can I join you guys?
Daphne: Oh, I think someone is coming on to us.
Niles: Someone just can’t leave us alone.
Daphne Moon chuckles.
Roz: Okay, you guys have been doing this for over two weeks. Lay off.
Niles: I think laying off was exactly what you didn’t want us to do.
Daphne Moon guffaws.
Daphne: That’s a good one.
Roz: Doesn’t even make sense. Listen, I don’t want to have a threesome with you! I never wanted to have a threesome with you, and I will not have a threesome with you! So, quit bringing it up!
Roz Doyle slams his hand on the table, gets up her chair, and makes her way to the ladies room.
Daphne Moon turns to her husband.
Daphne: I think we went a little too far.
Niles: Not as far as she wanted to go.
Niles and Daphne laugh. A stocky man with a full head of hear, and beard approaches Niles and Daphne’s table.
Man: Excuse me.
Man: I’m sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing, and as a fellow nontraditional sex enthusiast our day will come. Here’s my card.
The man hands Niles Crane his business card.
Niles: Thank you.
The man makes his way to the door, and turns back.
Man: Oh, and by the way, a bunch of us get together over the Seatac Hyatt second Saturday of every month, and if you want to just tape your wife with another dude…
The man winks at Daphne Moon.
Man: That’s cool.
Niles Crane throws the business card on the table, and wipes his hand with a handkerchief. Daphne Moon looks disgusted.
Frasier Crane enters the meeting room where the condo board meeting is being held.
Marty: Thank you, Mrs. Richman. And for anyone who needs reminding these meetings start at 8:00, not 8:07.
Frasier takes a seat.
Marty: Well, shall we open the floor up to the new business?
Frasier Crane stands up and waves his hand.
Frasier: Yes! Yes! Yes! It’s time you people understood the real kind of…
A elderly man in a ponytail stands up.
Pony-tailed Man: Ho-hold it, Crane. I got real business here.
Frasier Crane sits down.
Pony-tailed Man: Can you tell us when we’re gonna be able to get our cars back into the parking garage?
Marty: Oh, yeah. Uh, the lines should get their second coat tomorrow, and if doesn’t rain, uh, it should be dry by the end of the week.
Pony-tailed Man: Uh-huh, and in the meantime we have to park out on the street.
Marty: I know, it’s a little inconvenient.
Pony-tailed Man: Inconvenient?! I got a ticket!
African American Man: Yeah. My wife got towed.
Marty: But after it’s done, we’ll have wider parking spaces.
Asian Woman: If you make them wider, aren’t we going to lose some spaces? Where are those people supposed to go?
Marty: Um, well, uh, maybe we could take turns.
Neighbors: Take turns?!
Marty: Does everybody here need their car?
Neighbors: Of course we need a car.
African American Man: Have you got a copy of the feasibility report?
Marty: Yeah, uh, feasibility report.
Marty Crane fusses with the one paper he has.
Marty: Uh, yes,, the, uh…feasibility report.
Pony-tailed Man: You only have one piece of paper there.
Paul: How long will it take before we get them painted back the right way?
African American Man: And who’s gonna pay for all the tickets we get?!
Asian Woman: I had to lug my groceries three blocks!
Marty: Look, I’m sorry…
Paul: What? Did you just hire a guy with a can of paint?
The neighbors start clamoring.
Frasier Crane stands up.
Frasier: People! People! If you just let him talk, he could explain. My father is currently in negotiations with a salvage company to remove the old boiler room, which would give us the extra spaces we need.
Paul: Where are we going to park in the meantime?
Frasier: My father has already discussed with the building next door sharing their parking spaces. Isn’t that right, Dad?
Marty Crane pretends to read something on his paper.
Marty: Uh…yeah. Right.
Paul turns to Marty Crane.
Paul: We should have had more faith in you. You’ve had a lot of good ideas so far.
Marty: Well, actually, I’ve got something to tell you, about those good ideas.
Marty Crane stands up.
Frasier Crane starts scratching his nose nervously.
Marty: All that good stuff. All the stuff you were crazy about…it all came from Frasier.
The neighbors gasp.
Marty Crane walks to the front of the table.
Marty: From the very beginning, he’s been the one running things, and I think we should give him a little credit.
Marty Crane pats Frasier’s shoulder.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Dad, that’s very kind of you.
Marty: In fact, uh, having me run was Frasier’s idea.
Frasier Crane begins nervously scratching his nose once again.
Marty Crane puts up his hand to say stop.
Marty: He figured that you’d go for his policies if they came from somebody else.
Pony-tailed Man: So, this whole thing was a scam!
Marty: Well, I wouldn’t call it a scam. It was just a fake-out.
African American Man: Frasier, how could you do your father like this?
Mrs. Richman: He’s always wanted to be president, but I never thought he would stoop this low.
Marty: All right, that’s enough! My son is the best thing that ever happened to this condo board, but you guys are too petty to see it. Well, you people don’t deserve him, and if you don’t want him, you don’t get me either. I resign. Come on, Fras.
Marty Crane makes his way to the door.
Frasier: Right behind you, Dad.
African American Man: Now, what are we gonna do?
Paul: Well, technically, when the president resigns the runner-up takes power.
Frasier Crane who already is at the door stops, and turns around. His neighbors look at him.
Frasier: That’s right, isn’t it? Well. It’s not the way I would have liked it, but bylaws are bylaws. So, as your president, I would like to quote a man who understands the language of the people.
Frasier Crane gives them the finger, and rushes out the door.
Later, Roz Doyle walks over to the counter at Café Nervosa. The man who gave Niles and Daphne his business card walks over to her, and gives her his business hard. Roz Doyle reads his card, takes her purse, and walks away.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Proxy Prexy” episode was written by Chris Marcil. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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