Frasier Crane enters through Roz Doyle’s booth.
Frasier: Well, it’s official.
Roz Doyle is at Frasier’s booth with another girl.
Frasier: Once again, there is no room for me at the Yo-Yo Ma Orchestral Fantasy Camp.
Frasier Crane sees that Roz Doyle has company.
Roz: Frasier, this is my cousin, Jen.
Frasier Crane shakes the hand of Jen.
Roz: She’s visiting this week, remember?
Frasier: Oh yes, of course. So, how are you enjoying Seattle?
Jen: Well, I’ve been living in London. So, Seattle seems a little lame. No offense.
Frasier: Oh, none taken. So, you like London?
Jen: Not really. It’s like a parody of itself.
Frasier: How so?
Jen: Oh, you know, double-decker buses, Bobbies, little pubs…it’s like Epcot, but even fakier. So, I bailed. Went and spent some time in Florence.
Frasier: Ah. Firenze. How is she?
Jen: I got to say. Florence is over. It was probably cool before all the Americans found out about it.
Frasier: You mean 300 years ago?
Jen: Exactly. That’s why I’m going to Vietnam. Americans have never even heard of it.
Frasier: Ah. Well, you know, I’m afraid I have to bail on this conversation. I have a show to prepare for. Uh, Roz, when are we doing those promos this evening?
Frasier Crane walks over to Roz’ booth. Roz follows him, and Jen is right behind her.
Roz: Oh, I had to reschedule those ‘cause Jen and I are going out tonight.
Jen: A guy I met on the Internet is in this band. We’re gonna go check them out, have some drinks watch all the losers. Want to come?
Frasier: While no stranger to the discotheque I’m afraid it’ll just have to be you and Roz this evening.
Jen: This is our first time going out, since I was a kid. When she used to babysit me she was always dragging me on some wild adventure. Like that time we changed that sign from “School Assembly” to “cool ass”.
Jen: No, you don’t understand. The town we grew up in was totally boring. It was like Kill Yourself, USA, right? Roz was the only person who did anything fun.
Frasier: Is that so?
Jen: Yeah. My mom calls me Roz Junior, which is what passes for wit where we come from.
Roz: And our town has the world’s…
Roz & Jen: Fourth largest thermometer.
Frasier: Yes well, I can see why London really let you down.
Frasier Crane walks back to his booth when Kenny arrives.
Kenny: Hey, Doc.
Frasier: Hi, Kenny.
Kenny: Remember last month when you spent your whole show talking to that pregnant teenager?
Kenny: Well, it wasn’t a total waste. We just got nominated for an Excellence in Broadcasting Decency award.
Frasier: Really? Well, that is quite an honor. I don’t think we’ve ever won one of those.
Kenny: It’s a very prestigious award. That’s what makes it so special when they call your name. You know it’s heavier than it looks. You don’t want to drop one of those on your foot, let me tell you.
Frasier: So, you’ve won one?
Kenny: Yeah, it’s in a box in my office. You can come by sometime, and I’ll show you.
Frasier: Honestly Kenny, when are you going to unpack those boxes? Isn’t four years enough time to make that office your own?
Kenny: Negatory, Doc. Everytime I unpack in a new job, I get fired. Tacoma, Moline, Moline again. I learned my lesson. Those boxes stay packed.
Frasier: So, that’s why you haven’t unpacked. You know, all this time I’ve been using you on my radio show as an example of procrastination. I had no idea you were just living in fear.
Kenny: I prefer to see it as a healthy superstition.
Frasier: Kenny, there’s no such thing as a healthy superstition.
Kenny: Oh, yeah? What do you call washing your hands after you go to the bathroom?
Later, Marty Crane is watching sports on TV. Frasier Crane enters the living room littered with newspaper.
Frasier: Ugh. Look at this place. Dad, I don’t believe you’ve thrown out a single newspaper, since Daphne moved in with Niles.
Frasier Crane starts fixing the clutter.
Marty: Hey, it was your idea to split up the chores. Recycling is your deal. Recycling and floors, remember? I’m in charge of regular garbage, and tabletops. Both of which are nicely under control, I might add.
Frasier: Really? I count three snack plates around your chair -- all of them on tabletops.
Marty Crane takes all three snack plates and puts them on the floor.
Marty: Not anymore.
Frasier: All right. What’s it gonna take for you to start doing your share of the work around here?
Marty: Trade me…floors for garbage.
Frasier: you’ll really take care of all the floors if I handle the garbage?
Marty: That’s right.
The doorbell rings.
Frasier Crane gets up the couch, and makes his way to the door.
Frasier: Okay. You got a deal, Mister.
Frasier Crane opens the door.
Frasier: Hi, Daph.
Daphne Moon steps inside the house lugging with her a massage cot.
Daphne: Why is all your garbage stacked up in the hallway?
Frasier Crane quickly steps outside to take a look.
Marty: That’s right, why is that, Frasier?
Frasier Crane glares at his dad.
Frasier: Your game is deep.
Daphne: My, things are a bit untidy around here, aren’t they?
Daphne Moon takes the plates on the floor.
Daphne: Maybe I’ll just clean up these dishes before we get started.
Frasier: Daphne, you don’t have to do that.
Marty: That’s true, you’re not our slave anymore.
Daphne: I’m not gonna do all of it, just the tabletops.
Marty: Oh, that’s sweet of you.
Frasier Crane looks furiously at his father, but Marty just looks at him.
Later, Frasier and Niles Crane are at Café Nervosa waiting for a table.
Niles: No, no. Well, there’s room at Roz’ table.
Frasier: No. I find her cousin Jen just a bit judgmental for my taste. Yesterday she told me that my show was bourgeois. I pointed out that anything that had mass appeal could be called bourgeois. She then said my argument was bourgeois, which I found to be jejune.
Niles: People in their 20s are always like that.
Niles: The world’s so daunting at that age. They comfort themselves with the idea that everything’s just trash. We were like that in medical school; acting as if we were above it all…
Frasier Crane laughs.
Niles: Smarter than everybody. It passes.
Niles Crane walks over to Roz Doyle’s table.
Niles: Hello, Roz.
Roz: Niles, Frasier.
Frasier Crane pulls out a chair from another table.
Frasier: Hi, Roz.
Roz: Come join us.
Frasier: Thank you.
Roz: Jen, this is Niles.
Niles: Nice to meet you.
Jen shakes Niles’ hand.
Jen: “Niles”. Whoa. “Thanks, Mom and Dad”, right?
Niles feigns a chuckle.
Frasier: Well, Jen. Good to see you again. Ah, so how was our night out, girls?
Roz: Well, it’s still going on. We went to this really great club called Zoo.
Frasier: Excuse me, The Zoo?
Roz: No, it was just called Zoo.
Roz and Jen laugh.
Frasier: Roz, is that glitter in your hair?
Roz: Oh, is it? I thought it all came out in the car wash.
Jen laughs. Roz makes her way to the ladies room. A cell phone rings. Niles’ reaches for his cell phone.
Jen: Oh, that’s mine.
Jen answers her phone.
Jen: Hello? Oh, Anka, you’ll never guess what huge Seattle cliché I’m in right now. I swear, my cousin Roz is like, the only cool person in this whole city. The rest are just drones. Apparently they don’t believe in raw sugar.
Jen gets up her chair to take her phone conversation elsewhere. Jen turns to Frasier.
Jen: Excuse me.
Jen leaves. Frasier turns to his brother.
Frasier: You see what I mean about her.
Niles: She’s struggling through a typical phase of development. Stop being so sensitive.
Jen: Sorry about that.
Niles Crane gets up his seat acting like a gentleman.
Niles: Not at all.
Jen: So, tell me about you guys.
The waiter brings their coffee.
Jen: Roz says you’re super competitive with each other. Did your parents withhold affection or is it just a penis thing?
Niles Crane turns to the waiter.
Niles: Uh, I’ll take min to go, thank you.
Later, Frasier Crane is at the radio station doing his show.
Frasier: Coming up next, “This Day in Psychological History”, after the news.
Frasier Crane presses a button. Roz Doyle enters his booth. Roz Doyle yawns.
Roz: That was a good show, Frasier.
Frasier: It’s not over, Roz. This is just a break.
Roz: I’m sorry. I’m so exhausted. I haven’t slept since Jen got here.
Jen: Hey Roz, you want to see some backyard wrestling tonight?
Roz: I don’t know. Maybe we should stay in tonight -- rent a video.
Jen: Rent a video? You’re turning into Aunt Maribelle. All you need is a beanback ashtray and a tracheotomy.
Roz: Well, I’m not there yet. I just thought that maybe you could use a night off.
Roz Doyle goes back to her booth.
Frasier: Say Jen, uh, did you have a chance to explore that art gallery I suggested?
Jen: Yeah. I know you’re into that stuff so I don’t want to put it down. But it was like everything in there was trying to make us feel better about our corrupt, imperialistic, phallocratric heritage.
Frasier: They’re landscapes.
Jen: But I picked up something for you on the way over here.
Jen puts the paper bag on the desk.
Frasier: Really? Well.
Frasier looks inside the bag. He smiles at Jen then pulls out her gift.
Frasier: Oh, a bust of Freud.
Roz Doyle has returned to Frasier’s booth, and watches the two silently.
Frasier: Wow, that’s really quite thoughtful of you.
Jen: I figured you’d appreciate the irony. Since he’s been proven wrong about practically everything.
Frasier: I like to think that Freud’s theories will stand the test of time.
Jen: Really? Have you read either of his books?
Frasier: Excuse me, young lady…
Jen: Uh-oh here comes the lecture.
Frasier: Yes. For once, you are right. A disquisition is indeed at hand, and may I suggest that you roll your eyes back into the forward position as I may actually employ some visual aids. Now, our story begins with a young Greek woman by the name of Clytemnestra!
Kenny enters the booth carrying his trophy.
Roz: Look, everybody, Kenny’s here!
Kenny: Wow, I’ve never heard that before.
Roz: Jen, maybe Kenny could show you around the station.
Jen: You already showed me around the station yesterday.
Roz: I know, but you know what? I totally forgot to show our ratings binders.
Kenny: You did?
Kenny: Well, you’re in for a treat. Here, follow me.
Jen walks over to join Kenny.
Jen: What’s that trophy for?
Kenny: Oh, uh, a little series I produced called, “Life is My Favorite Drug of All”.
Jen: Sounds pretty lame.
Kenny: Yeah, it was.
Kenny and Jen leaves. Roz Doyle closes the door.
Frasier: All right, that girl’s really getting under my skin. When is she leaving?
Roz: She’s not that bad.
Frasier: Oh, come on, Roz. She’s running you ragged.
Roz: Oh, please. This is nothing. I used to party every night.
Frasier: Well sure. At 20, you can do anything.
Roz: Hey, there’s still a lot of candy left in this piñata.
Frasier: That’s attractive.
Roz enters her booth, and prepares to close the door.
Roz: Thank you.
Kenny brings Jen to his office that’s filled with unpacked boxes.
Kenny: And this is my office—the nerve center. Where it all goes down.
Jen closes the door.
Jen: Did you just move in here or something?
Kenny: Oh, no, no, but in AM radio, you got to be ready to go at a moment’s notice.
Kenny puts back his trophy inside the box.
Kenny: One day you’re operating a 50,000-watt powerhouse in Cleveland, the next you’re spinning platters out of a barn in Tulsa town. But you gotta keep moving. It’s all about the music…when it isn’t about news and talk.
Jen: I heard AM radio’s dead.
Kenny: Yeah, it is. So, you’re going to Vietnam?
Jen: I’m thinking about it.
Kenny: That’s such an original choice. You’re so cool.
Jen: You’re the first person who hasn’t thought I was totally crazy for wanting to go there.
Kenny: Oh! What do they know? I’ve always loved the idea of just taking off. You know, seeing someplace exotic.
Jen: Why haven’t you?
Kenny: My wife, she didn’t like to travel.
Jen: But you just said you were separated. So, do it. Blow it all off. Go see Vietnam. Break out of this prison cell.
Kenny: I could, couldn’t I? You know, and I could just be free. Get a motorcycle, drive around the countryside, and really start to live.
Jen: I never even thought about the motorcycle. Now, you have to do it.
Kenny: People would think I was nuts.
Jen: I wouldn’t.
Frasier Crane has resumed his show.
Frasier: When Freud’s genius has obviously influenced every psychiatrist on the planet. I haven’t forgotten about your calls. Stay tuned won’t you.
Frasier slaps a button, and gives a soft punch on Freud’s bust. Roz Doyle enters his booth.
Roz: I’m starting to feel a little bad about pawning Jen off on Kenny like that. He’s been a little down lately, and Jen can be a little…well, negative sometimes.
Frasier: I hadn’t noticed.
Roz: I just hope she doesn’t send him spiraling down into some kind of depression.
Kenny and Jen make out on his couch.
Later, Roz Doyle and Jen are at Café Nervosa. Jen notices a guy at the counter listening to his Walkman.
Jen: So, Seattle still loves the Walkman, huh.
Roz turns her head to look at the guy.
Jen: He’s probably listening to Thriller. So, do you still want to go to that warehouse party tonight? Doors open at 11:00, so we should probably be there at 1:00.
Roz: Look, I wish I could Jen, but I really have to sleep.
Jen: Don’t worry. We’ll have a few cocktails, and you’ll feel a lot better.
Roz: Oh, forget it. I am not drinking again tonight.
Jen: So, just drink beer. I mean…Alice is still at her grandparents’, right?
Roz: Listen, sweetie, why don’t you go out by yourself tonight?
Jen: Oh, come on, Maribelle. Have some fun.
Roz: Don’t do that.
Jen: Do what, Maribelle?
Roz: Knock it off. I’m serious.
Jen: You used to be so fun, but ever since you got the condo and the SUV it’s like you’re all 401k or whatever.
Roz: I’m exactly the same person I’ve always been.
Jen: Oh, yeah? I checked your car radio. It’s not stuck on that classic rock station.
Roz: For your information, classic rock is both classic, and it rocks.
Jen: What happened to you?
Roz: I’m old!
Frasier Crane and Marty Crane are comfortably sitting watching television while Daphne has her apron on wiping one of Frasier figurines. The doorbell rings.
Frasier: Daphne, would you get that?
Daphne Moon opens the door.
Niles: Sorry I’m late. I…
Niles Crane sees her wife wearing an apron.
Niles: What’s going on?
Marty turns to Frasier.
Daphne: Your father and brother needed a little help.
Daphne Moon closes the door.
Daphne: The oven’s all clean. I just have a bit of ironing left. I won’t be a minute, and don’t forget, I’ve drawn baths for both of you.
Daphne Moon goes to her old room.
Frasier: Oh Daphne, that wasn’t necessary….
Marty: Oh, no. You shouldn’t have…
Frasier and Marty Crane braces for what’s coming. Niles looks at the two, but they avoid eye contact.
Niles: Are you proud of yourselves?
Frasier: We didn’t ask her to do anything.
Marty: She offered.
Niles: Then why is no one looking me in the eye?
Frasier: I’m sorry, Niles. You’re right. Maybe we took advantage.
Marty: Absolutely. We were way out of line. It won’t happen again.
Martin Crane drops his bowl on the floor.
Niles: What are you doing?
Niles: You’re gonna leave that there?
Marty: I’ll clean it later.
Niles: Well, that’s the whole problem. If you would just clean as you go things wouldn’t pile up.
Niles Crane picks up the bowl.
Niles: You wouldn’t need Daphne’s help.
Marty: I guess.
Niles: No, it’s true. Look at this.
Niles Crane picks up Frasier’s bowl.
Niles: Look how easy, you see? Small, consistent efforts, that’s all it takes.
Niles Crane brings the bowls to the kitchen.
Niles: Just like managing one’s cuticles. You know, there’s a bowl of potato salad lying out completely uncovered.
Marty: It’s getting tangy.
Niles: The plastic wrap is right here.
Niles Crane walks over to the other side of the kitchen to get the plastic wrap. Frasier Crane turns to his dad.
Frasier: We really should help him.
Martin Crane whispers to Frasier Crane.
Marty: Are you nuts? He’s about to make us dinner.
Frasier: He is not.
Marty: Twenty bucks says he is.
Frasier: Forget money. Let’s wager something real.
Marty: All right. If I get him to make dinner you do all the chores. If I don’t, I’ll do them.
Daphne Moon steps out of her room.
Daphne: I’m ready Niles.
Niles: Excellent, because tonight I am taking you to the finest bistro in the Pacific Northwest.
Niles and Daphne make their way to the door.
Frasier talks under his breath.
Frasier: You’re on.
Martin Crane whispers to his son.
Marty: Take your sweet time, why don’t you?
Marty calls out to Daphne and Niles.
Marty: Hey, guys! Are you sure you don’t want to stick around? I was just gonna open a can of spaghetti.
Niles: But you have sea bass in the fridge.
Marty: Oh, it’ll probably last another day.
Niles: Oh, I think you should cook it tonight.
Marty: Fine. I’ll nuke it with some ketchup.
Niles: That’s ridiculous. You can’t use your turkey recipe on fish.
Marty: What am I supposed to do?
Niles: Well, just take one clove of garlic, uh, two tablespoons of finely minced fresh ginger…
Martin Crane gives Niles a confused look.
Niles: Oh, for heaven’s sake, I’ll do it myself.
Niles Crane goes to the kitchen. Daphne Moon closes the door, and follows her husband.
Daphne: I suppose I’ll lay the table.
Marty: No, no, Daphne. You’ve done enough for today. That’s Frasier’s job.
--HE’S ALSO SEEN BOSTON AND KANSAS—
Kenny is at his office eating cereal, and listening to Frasier’s show.
Frasier on Radio: And so for our final hour today. I’d like to focus my attention on first-time callers only. We’ve been hearing from a lot…
Jen enters Kenny’s office.
Kenny puts down his box of cereal.
Frasier on Radio: Of familiar voices this week, and I’d like to shake it up.
Kenny turns off the radio.
Kenny: I looked for you at that warehouse party last night, but I didn’t see you.
Jen: Oh! I was at the old meat locker.
Kenny: Oh, I didn’t look in there.
Jen: Sorry, we didn’t hook up. Did I leave my sunglasses in here?
Kenny: Oh! Yes, you did.
Kenny rushes back to his desk, and pulls out a drawer.
Jen: So, I’m taking off. I had a really cool time with you.
Kenny hands her sunglasses back.
Jen: I hope you make your break from here soon.
Kenny: Good news. I just got off the phone with my travel agent, she got me this great fare to Ho Chi Minh City, and she said it would be no problem to get you on the same flight. This is gonna be awesome. I’ve never seen Asia before. I’ve seen the band, of course, but not…you know.
Jen: Oh, well, about that, Kenny---um…I already booked a flight.
Kenny: Oh, well, maybe I can get on your flight.
Jen: Well, see, the thing is I, um…I travel solo.
Jen: It’s kind of a rule I have. I…I had this bad experience once…
Kenny: Oh, please, I totally get where you’re coming from. Solo’s the way to go. My high school French club went to Montreal one time. Nightmare.
Jen: Well, you should still go. You deserve to have some fun.
Kenny: Okay. Yeah. Well, uh, maybe I’d run into you over there.
Jen: I’d like that.
Jen gives Kenny a kiss on the cheek then leaves. Kenny turns the radio back on.
Frasier: Our next caller is Stu from Madrona. Go ahead, Stu, I’m listening.
Frasier Crane is at his booth listening to Stu.
Stu: All right, it’s like…I’ve been dating my girlfriend for six years, and she keeps bugging me about moving in. But I know as soon as she does, my freedom is gone. Everything’s got to be in the hamper. I can’t eat over the sink. Can’t just go out whenever my buddies call. That’s a lot to give up.
Frasier: Okay, Stu, how old are you?
Stu: The calendar says 47, but I feel 18, right?
Roz speaks on the mic.
Frasier: Now, Roz…
Roz: I have a suggestion for you, Stu. Grow the hell up!
Stu: What? I-I-I’m sorry?
Roz: I mean, I’m thirty-eight, and I feel thirty-eight. Now, I know we’re all supposed to act like perpetual teenagers these days, but you know what? I like acting my age. I like being a mom. I like having a career, and I like balancing my checkbook. When did it become such a bad thing to be an adult?
Stu: Dr. Crane, hello?
Roz: Look, don’t get me wrong. I had a great time when I was younger, I did. But after a while, that way of life just seems…empty.
Frasier Crane smiles at Roz Doyle.
Roz: And you have to go deeper, and commit to things that really matter to you. Believe me, when you do that, you’ll find out how amazing and rich life can be.
Stu: Hey, I know that voice. You were at Zoo the other night. You told me you were twenty-nine.
Frasier: Thanks for your call, Stu. Let’s go to traffic.
Frasier Crane ends the call. He removes his headphones, and walks over to Roz’ booth with a smile.
Roz: I’m sorry, Frasier. I guess I shouldn’t have unloaded on that guy. I’ve just been thinking a lot about age lately.
Frasier: That’s all right, Roz. I thought your speech was courageous. And who knows? Even if it went right past Stu, maybe it reached somebody else out there on the Frasier Crane Radio Network.
Kenny is still at his office listening to the radio.
Man on Radio: …which is backed up all the way to Northgate. I-5 is stop and go, as usual. This time because of a jackknifed…
Kenny turns off the radio. He opens one of his boxes, and finally unpacks.
Later, Martin and Frasier Crane are at the living room. Marty puts his plate on the floor. He looks, and grins at Frasier. Marty snaps his fingers. Eddie runs to the plate, and starts licking it. When he’s done, Eddie brings the plate to the kitchen.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Kissing Cousin” episode was written by Eric Zicklin. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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