1985, Young Shawn Spencer tries to sneak passed his father who is sitting at a picnic table on their lawn.
Henry: Shawn! Stop.
Young Shawn Spencer stops.
Henry: Turn around.
Young Shawn Spencer does not respond.
Henry: Turn around. What are you hiding?
Young Shawn Spencer turns around put pulls his cap down in an attempt to hide a black eye.
Henry: Did you get in a fight, Shawn?
Henry: Kind of? What do you mean, kind of? What did I tell you about fighting? Get over here, son.
Young Shawn Spencer walks over to his dad who pulled out his handkerchief.
Henry: Take a look at that. Oh, you really got punched.
Henry Spencer takes the ice from his glass, and wraps it with his handkerchief.
Henry: Here, hold that on your eye. All right, tell me, what’s the name of this kid who hit you?
Henry: E--you got in a fight with a girl?
Shawn: Well, it wasn’t really a fight. She just punched me.
Henry: Why in the world would she punch you?
Henry Spencer takes off his son’s hat.
Henry: What happened?
Shawn: She asked me to sit next to her at lunch, and I did. And then I was eating my Tater Tots and she just punched me.
Henry: Wa—wait a second. Wait a second. What was she doing while you were eating your Tater Tots?
Shawn: I don’t know. She was talking about something.
Henry: What? What was she talking about?
Shawn: I have no idea! She just went on and on, and I was concentrating on my Tater Tots.
Henry Spencer laughs.
Henry: Well, I’ll be damned. Shawn, I know what happened. You just had your first date. Sit.
Henry Spencer taps on the picnic table.
Henry Spencer sits at the picnic table, and his son does the same.
Shawn: My first what?
Henry: Look, obviously this Elizabeth girl likes you. That’s why she invited you over to sit next to her.
Shawn: Then why’d she sock me in the eye?
Henry: Because she likes you, and you didn’t listen to her story. Women want you to listen to them, Shawn. They want you to pick up every small detail. They want you to compliment them. It’s about turning in to people. It’s about getting inside their heads and anticipating their needs, and this applies to all aspects of life. Not only this girl Elizabeth, but even your barber.
Shawn: But I don’t want to date the barber.
Henry: Shawn, I know that one day all of this is going to make sense to you. You just have to believe me. For now, I’m going to leave you with one very simple rule. Under no circumstances ever, ever do you mention to a woman her age or her weight.
Present day, Shawn Spencer is at the Santa Barbara Police station.
Shawn: Nobody breathe! I got it! I’ve got in grams, and I’ve got it in minutes. Just give me a second here. Do a little converting.
Shawn Spencer notices a yearbook on a desk, and diet guide cards.
Shawn: I got it. Thirty-seven years old. One hundred and thirty-seven pounds.
Policewoman: That was amazing. How did you do that?
The other police officers who are watching applaud.
Policewoman: I have to admit though, sadly, it’s just a teensy bit higher in the weight department.
Shawn: Oh, you know what? That’s my bad. I believe I was getting a future reading from next week. It happens. I apologize. Wait! I’m also getting a dance belt.
At another part of the police station, Detective Lassiter and Chief Vick are conversing.
Chief: You are my head detective.
A couple of feet away, Shawn Spencer is still doing his act.
Shawn: And fishnet stockings, but that’s this guy.
Shawn Spencer points at a policeman.
Shawn: That’s this guy here.
Everybody laughs. Burton Guster sees that Detective Lassiter has noticed that Shawn Spencer has gathered a crowd.
Shawn: I’m kidding.
Shawn: You’re such a good sport. Everybody loves you.
Lassiter: Hey Spencer!
Shawn: Lassy face!
Lassiter: Got the perfect case for you guys.
Detective Lassiter hands Shawn Spencer a case file.
Shawn: I’m sorry. You’re saying that you want our help?
Shawn: What’s the catch?
Lassiter: There’s no catch. It’s just right up your alley. We could really use your insights on this one. The guy’s waiting to give you a statement. Interrogation room B.
Detective Lassiter pats Shawn Spencer’s shoulder.
Lassiter: Make me proud.
Detective Lassiter walks away.
Gus: Okay. What does that sound like to you?
Shawn: An opportunity.
Shawn Spencer makes his way to the interrogation room.
Burton Guster follows Shawn.
Gus: You think Lassiter’s going to just hand us over a case? Stop. Let’s think about this for a minute.
Shawn: Gus, come on.
Shawn: We’re going to roll up our sleeves, we’re going to get a little dirty, and we’re going to do some old fashioned police work. Come on. This is like In the Heat of the Night. Which makes me Carroll O’Connor.
Gus: No. That means you’re Rod Steiger. That way, I’m Sidney Poitier.
Shawn: You know that’s right.
Shawn and Gus enter the interrogation room.
Shawn: Oh! Boy!
A fat, naked man is sitting inside. His clothes are neatly folded on the table.
Shawn Spencer turns away.
Detective Lassiter watches through the one-way mirror.
Shawn: Looks like somebody beat us to the rolling of the sleeves.
Burton Guster makes his way to the door.
Shawn: What are you doing?!
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster converse in a whisper.
Shawn: This is our case.
Gus: He’s naked.
Shawn: We got to work the room.
Gus: I’m gonna work it from the outside.
Shawn: You’re gonna work it from in here. Now shut the door.
Shawn Spencer walks over to the fat, naked man. Burton Guster closes the door, and faces it.
Shawn: Mr. Turk, is it? My name’s Shawn Spencer. I’m the head P for the SBPD.
Turk: You’re the who? For the what?
Shawn: Don’t concern yourself with formalities, Mr. Turk. I’m here to take your statement and find out just what exactly happened to you.
Turk: Uh, I don’t really remember much.
Shawn: Funny. It says here you told the desk sergeant, you woke up naked in a field with your ass hanging out.
Turk: Yeah, that’s right, but I don’t remember exactly what they look like. You know, it’s all really confusing for me right now.
Shawn: When you say “they”, just who are you referring to?
Turk: The aliens.
Detective Lassiter who is still watching the interrogation laughs.
Shawn Spencer notices an Irish clover stamp on the guy’s wrist.
Shawn: Right, aliens. Here it is. Page two. Got it. How would you describe these aliens, Mr. Turk? Would you say they were small? Would you say they were green?
Turk: You know, I—I don’t really recall right now. I’ve got this headache and…who is that person over there? Because he’s really making me uncomfortable.
Gus: I’m making you uncomfortable right now? Dude, is there any reason why you’re not wearing any clothes now?
Turk: Hey, I think I might have been abducted, all right? I believe I might have been experimented on. So, there is no way I’m going to touch these clothes and compromise evidence!
Shawn: Okay, okay! Mr. Turk. Please try to gain control of your considerable person. Why don’t you cover up with a towel? That’s why it’s there. One size fits all, I hope.
Shawn Spencer notices scratch marks on the fat, naked man’s left foot.
Turk: All right. I’ll cover up with the towel, but first…does somebody want to check me for scars?
The fat, naked man runs to the one-way mirror, and presses his whole body against it.
Lassiter: Oh, good Lord!
Shawn Spencer screams, and turns away.
Gus and Shawn are back at their beachfront office.
Gus: Are you really willing to just dismiss the idea that there’s life on other planets?
Shawn: This is what I got. I know he was dragged out there. Otherwise, no sign of assault. Nothing taken. Aside from the embarrassment of waking up naked in a field, we’ve got nothing to hang our hats on.
Shawn Spencer picks up the newspaper to look at the picture of the naked Mr.Turk with the headline that says “Alien abduction?”
Shawn: I guess technically we could have hung our hats on his…
Gus: Look, if it’s not the alien thing, then how do you explain the memory loss, the confusion, the fact that he saw a little green man?
Shawn: What? Dude, you’re the expert here. Come on, man, there’s got to be some drug that would cause a combination of those three things. Think! Drugs!
Gus: Oh, you’re asking me/
Gus: Let me see. Off the top of my head, any SSRIs, Tramadol, Bupropion, proton pump inhibitors.
Shawn: That’s what I’m talking about. Thank you.
Gus: Venlafaxine, Ropinirole.
Shawn: That’s good work from you, buddy.
Gus: B-adrenoreceptor antagonists.
Shawn: Okay, gold star for Gus.
Gus: Phencyclidine, Ketamine, Bofotenin.
Shawn: You’re not gonna stop are you?
Gus: Did I already say Venlafaxine?
Shawn: There’s no way to be sure.
Gus: Wait, wait a second. Didn’t he say something to you about, about smelling lavender.
Shawn: Yeah. He said right before he blacked out, he remembered the strong scent of lavender, and seeing a ba--barbed wire.
Shawn: Wait a second. Gus, that’s not a hallucination. That’s a location.
Gus: That’s what I’m saying!
Shawn: And I know exactly where it is.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster drive to the suspected location.
Shawn: Dude, I’ve driven by this place at least twice. The question is, what are the cops doing here?
Police on Radio: Body of another male Caucasian, early thirty’s, possible 314. Officers on scene.
Shawn and Gus walk further into the field, and sees the detectives talking to another naked man.
Shawn: Johnny. Oh! Oh.
Shawn Spencer notices tire tracks, and a shoe strap. He also sees a ruined cobweb.
Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara question the victim who has covered himself with a towel.
Victim: Look, I saw the picture of that Turk guy in the paper. Now, it’s me in a field naked, headache. You do the math.
Jules: Do you remember seeing anything out of the ordinary?
Victim: Ugh, I don’t remember much at all.
Lassiter: So, you just woke up in a field wearing nothing but your birthday suit?
Victim: Look, I told you yes already. Are you going to give me a hard time? ‘cause I’m a little freaked out as it is, and, and can somebody get me a bigger towel? This thing is like the size of a washcloth.
A news photographer takes a picture of the man in a small towel.
Victim: What are you some kind of pervert?
Lassiter: Cut him some slack. He’s just doing his job. You think he gets his jollies taking pictures of your dingdong?
Lassiter: What are you guys doing here?
Shawn: This is my case. You gave it to me, remember?
Lassiter: Look, this is a copycat, okay? He saw Turk’s picture in the paper. He’s looking for attention.
Gus: So, he wakes up and sees Turk in the paper naked, humiliated, the butt of jokes at the water cooler, and says “Hmm, how can I make this work for myself?” What?
Shawn: Plus, it’s really itchy out here.
Lassiter: When you get your master’s degree in criminology then you can call me. In the meantime, I got a half-eaten Enchirito in my car.
Shawn Spencer notices the same Irish clover stamp on the man’s wrist.
Shawn: All right here we go. You’re up.
Shawn: Do it.
Gus: I’m not doing that.
Shawn: Dude. I took the fat guy in the police station.
Gus: I’m not doing that.
Shawn: This is a much better pull.
Gus: I’m not doing that, Shawn.
Shawn: We’re partners.
Burton Guster walks away.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster walks to the Yucatan Tanning Salon & Spa.
Gus: What does this case have to do with a tanning salon?
Shawn: It’s the middle of winter in Santa Barbara. Those dudes looked like gingerbread men without tan lines. They fake and they bake.
Gus: Shawn, exactly how close did you look at these naked guys?
Shawn: Too close. My heightened observational skills are considered a gift by most, but I’m here to tell you, it can be a burden.
Gus: How do you know it’s this place?
Shawn: Keiser didn’t have any streaks on his buttocks, okay? That screams the Insta-Tan process, and this is the only place that does that.
Shawn: Plus, they both live within a mile and a half of this joint.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster enter the empty tanning salon. Shawn picks up a bell.
Shawn: I can’t ring this. Hello?! Hello?!
Shawn Spencer turns to Burton Guster.
Shawn: Look, I’m going to snoop around, okay? You find out if Turk or Keiser were here. And if so, when?
Shawn Spencer hands Burton Guster two photographs. He walks away.
Gus: Oh, Shawn, Shawn. This is not going to work.
Shawn: Dude, I’ve got to do my thing. I’ve got to mix it up nice.
Shawn: You always complain you don’t get to do the questiony part. Questiony part, Gus.
Gus: Right. You’re forgetting some…
A clerk arrives at the reception.
Clerk: May I help you?
Gus: Yes, I’m here for a tanning appointment.
Clerk: Uh, for yourself?
Gus: Yes, for the Insta-Tan process. I would like that.
Clerk: Uh, I don’t understand.
Gus: Okay, look, screw it. I can’t do it. Have you seen either of these two guys here before? Fred Turk or Philip Keiser?
Later, Burton Guster sees Shawn Spencer snooping around.
Gus: Shawn. Shawn. Okay, both Turk and Keiser not only have been here, but they’re regulars. He says, it’s always the single guys who try to keep up with their tans.
Shawn: Single guys?
Shawn: Maybe that’s it. Maybe some woman is targeting singles at the salon. The question is, what kind of loser thinks getting a tan is going to help him score a woman?
Henry Spencer in his robe lugging an old police duffle bag steps out of a room.
Later, Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster sit and talk with Henry.
Shawn: Dad, what are you doing here?
Henry: The real question is, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Well, George Hamilton, we’re on a case. Or maybe you missed the pictures of the guys in the paper in the field.
Henry: Yes, of course, I saw it. The nudist guy in the field thinks he was abducted by aliens. Idiot. What does that have to do with this place?
Shawn: Well, they’re both regulars here. They both happen to be single, so this could be a stalking case.
Gus: Wait a second, your dad is single, and he comes here all the time.
Henry: Everybody comes here.
Shawn: What is that?
Shawn Spencer pulls out a tube bottle from his father’s bag.
Shawn: Exfoliating scrub with pumice!
Henry: Whatever, Shawn. All I know is, when I varnish my boat and I don’t want it to streak I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.
Shawn: That is the single most disturbing analogy I’ve ever heard in my entire life.
Shawn Spencer throws the exfoliating scrub back in the bag.
Shawn: Where are they?!
Shawn: The Queer Eye guys. I know they’re here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
Gus: How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
Henry: Carson and Jai and the guy with the glasses.
Gus: Oh, yeah, who cooks the fish.
Henry: Right. Shawn, you know what your real problem is? You got yourself another case, and as usual, you’re shortsighted. You think it’s all impressive ‘cause you see a couple of nude guys in a field. You put a fix on them here. Well, it’s not enough.
Shawn: This is what we know. Both these guys are trying to impress someone, which means a woman was involved, and that same woman was with them in the field.
Gus: Shawn saw a woman’s shoe strap in the field.
Shawn: How or why she connects to them, I just don’t know yet.
Henry: Well, you’re not looking close enough.
Shawn: Believe me, I’ve looked just about as close as I can bear.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster leave the tanning salon, and walk towards their car.
Shawn: I’m with you on the aliens thing. They’re here and they swapped out my father with Jose Eber.
Gus: I think your dad might be right. I think we should get Turk and Keiser in the same room, and actually ask them some questions.
Shawn: Fine, let’s do it. The rule is, all slacks, all the time, no exceptions.
Gus: I hear that. I’ve reached my naked man quota for the year.
Shawn Spencer’s cellular phone rings.
Shawn: Hello? We’ll be there.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster arrive at the field.
Chief: Step inside, guys. Your case just became legitimate. Consider yourself hired. I need answers and I need them quick.
Shawn: Well, I’m getting something, Chief. I’m getting a…I’m getting skin pigment. Uh, bronzed, glistening…
Shawn Spencer notices two marks on the fence post.
Shawn: Adonis-like skin pigment. You lead me through this field. You let me ask one question, I guarantee it’s going to come down to spray tanning.
Chief Vick leads them to the center of the field where a dead body of a pale, naked man lies.
Chief: Well, this guy’s never seen the inside of a tanning salon.
Gus: I don’t think he ever saw the sun.
Chief: You’ve got twenty-four hours. Call me with something.
Lassiter: Grab a CSI. Verify time of death.
Shawn: Looks like we might have to open a kennel for all these copycats. Well, we’re back to square one.
Gus: I don’t know, Shawn. Maybe square one is the answer. Maybe this is something beyond our comprehension. Something otherworldly.
Shawn: I hear what you’re saying. Do me a favor.
Shawn: Let go of the alien angle. We need something solid, Gus. Something…something concrete. You heard the Chief.
Shawn Spencer sees the wrist of the dead guy, and spots the same Irish clover stamp he saw on the first two victims.
Shawn: Dude, how do you feel about leprechauns?
Later, Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster visit an Irish restaurant. An attendant walks towards them, and speaks with an Irish accent.
Marvin: Oh, hello, me buckos. I’m Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans, home of the world-famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
Shawn: Hello, Marvin. We’re here to speak with a leprechaun.
Marvin speaks with his normal American accent.
Marvin: Ha, ha, very funny. Please stop. My tummy’s aching from laughing so hard. You guys want a table or what?
Shawn: Dude, give me some props. He’s got a hat with a buckle on it, everything’s green.
Gus: What? He’s not a leprechaun.
Shawn: Will you do me a favor? In your funny accent, will you say, “magically delicious”?
Marvin laughs. Shawn Spencer notices an Irish clover stamp on the table.
Shawn: Is that the world-famous clover stamp?
Marvin: That’s the one.
Shawn: Will stamp my buddy’s wrist?
Shawn Spencer pulls Burton Guster’s arm.
Marvin: Whatever floats your boat, man.
Marvin stamps Gus’ wrist.
Marvin: It’s for our nighttime events there. But, hey, you can have it in the daytime, too.
Gus: What nighttime events?
Marvin: Oh, we have speed dating.
Gus: Speed dating?
Marvin: Yeah. Don’t laugh. It’s actually one of our most popular events. Guys come in here, and they sign up, they put down a hundred bucks, and they get fixed up with all sorts of people on little six-minute mini-dates.
Gus: Did you say a hundred bucks?
Marvin: Hundred bucks.
Shawn: How about fifty bucks for three-minute dates?
Gus: Twenty-five bucks for a minute and a half.
Shawn: I float you a ten spot, you introduce us to somebody for 15 seconds.
Marvin laughs. Gus does the same.
Marvin: How about you guys either get a table or I’m going to have to ask you to elave the podium?
Shawn: How about “magically delicious”? Will you say “magically delicious”?
Marvin: But I can say police if you don’t get your butts out of here.
Somebody walks in. Marvin puts on a cheery Irish accent.
Marvin: Hello there! I’m Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans, home of the world famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
Later, Shawn and Gus pay a visit to Turk’s house, which is filled with different types of clocks.
Turk: Yeah, I tried the speed-dating thing a couple of times. I just didn’t think it had anything to do with the case, and I was a little embarrassed about it.
Gus: Wow. You paid a hundred bucks?
Shawn: Mr. Turk, we feel it has everything to do with the case, all right? Both Phil Keiser and the guy who turned up dead attended these speed dating events.
The cuckoo clocks start chiming.
Gus: do you remember anything strange happening there? Or meeting anyone odd?
Turk: The only odd thing was that the ladies didn’t take to me like they usually do.
The grandfather clock starts to dingdong.
Shawn: That’s beyond odd. I can’t imagine why, Fred.
Turk: Here’s the thing, though. Other strange things have been happening to me ever since I was at the event.
Gus: Like what?
Turk: Well, I applied for a job recently. I was the perfect candidate. I has several interviews and then suddenly after the final one, I was rejected.
Shawn: Let me ask you a question, Freddy, and please be honest. Were you on time for these interviews?
Turk: Yes, why do you ask?
Shawn: I have no reason.
Shawn and Gus exit the house of Fred Turk.
Shawn: I think there’s a woman involved here, who had it out for these guys. We need to get a firsthand look at this speed-dating phenomenon.
Gus: Not for a hundred bucks, we don’t.
Shawn: Gus, please, leave it to me.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are in Chief Karen Vick’s office.
Chief: Let me get this straight. There is a dead body, and a murderer loose in our city, and you want the Santa Barbara Police Department to pay for you to go on dates?
Shawn: Yes, that’s correct.
Chief Karen Vick turns to Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara. Detective Lassiter grins.
Shawn: I mean, I suppose we could split it if we had to. What’s that called? Going…going Deustche? Go Deustche.
Chief: I am not paying for your dating services, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: Look, here’s the catch, Chief. I’m going to be reading these people, psychically. And I don’t need six minutes. Give me forty seconds with these people. I’ll be able to tell you if they had anything to do with the murder. And you know what? Gus and I, we really did try to negotiate some sort of partial usage rate, but we got shut down by that leprechaun.
Chief: Mr. Spencer, enough.
Shawn: Wait, I’m getting something else. It’s a woman in sexy high-heeled strappy shoes. She’s roughly 5’2”. Jules, may I please have a pen and something to write on?
Detective O’Hara quickly hands Shawn Spencer a notepad and a pen. Shawn struggles as he scribbles on the notepad. He hands the pad to Burton Guster. Gus reads it, exclaims, and hands it to Detective Lassiter. Lassiter reads the note, which also has a drawing of tire tracks on it.
Lassiter: “To Lassy, On the Alpine highway of life, you’re my all-weather tires. H and K’s, Shawn.” What the hell is this?
Jules: H and K’s stands for hugs and kisses.
Lassiter: Not that part. This part.
Detective Lassiter points at the tire tracks Shawn drew.
Gus: It’s a tire pattern. Run it through the system and we’ll know what kind of car she drives.
Detective Lassiter hands Chief Karen Vick the notepad.
Chief: Okay. I’ll give you a shot at this, but you’re not going alone. O’Hara, I want you to go along with these guys undercover working things form the other side. See if you can sift any information from these women.
Jules: Will do.
Shawn: Chief, I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had.
Jules: Shawn, I am so glad you’re on board.
Chief: Detective Lassiter, I’m going to need you, too. We don’t know what this woman’s type is, and, besides, you’re now leading the case.
Lassiter: Yeah, you know, Chief, with all due respect, I’m really pretty busy working this case from another angle. I mean, I ran the toxicology reports, and I found that all three victims tested positive for trace amounts of the street drug GHB. But our dead guy had a pre-existing heart condition. So, there was a pattern. I think the murder was accidental.
Chief: And I like that track. Now, follow it up by going to the speed-dating thing. It’s just a date, Lassiter. You do know how to conduct yourself on a date, don’t you?
Later that night, Detective Lassiter walks over to Shawn Spencer, Detetive O’Hara and Burton Guster who are sitting around a table at Shenanigans.
Lassiter: Okay, I checked out your tread pattern.
Detective O’Hara hands a scorecard to Detective Lassiter.
Lassiter: Thank you.
Detective Lassiter turns to Shawn Spencer.
Lassiter: It’s a high performance tire manufactured after 2002. So we’re looking for a woman who drives a late model sports car, probably American-made.
Gus: And 5’2” and likes strappy heels.
Shawn: Check. Question.
Shawn Spencer looks at Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: Is that what you’re wearing?
Lassiter: What’s wrong with what I’m wearing? I always wear this.
Shawn: Exactly. Lassy, you look like a cop. Now, come one, man.
Shawn Spencer taps on Detective Lassiter’s side.
Shawn: Is that your holster?
Lassiter: Of course it is.
Shawn: You’re here to speed-date, man, not shoot somebody. You got to loosen up. Come on. Take off the tie.
Lassiter: I’m not taking fashion tips from you.
Shawn: You need to show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush. Jules, back me up on the stern bush.
Jules: I’m gonna go see what these women have to say before this thing starts.
Detective O’Hara walks away.
Shawn: Bye, Jules. All right, come on. Let’s go, Simon Cowell. You got the salt and pepper, man. It’s nice.
Lassiter: I’m not taking off my tie just ‘cause you tell me to.
Detective Lassiter walks away.
Hostess: Ladies and gentlemen.
The hostess rings the bell.
Hostess: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming! Uh, for those of you who are new, I will explain how this works. Okay? Uh, you will pick a numbered table to begin your first date. Every six minutes, you will hear…
The hostess rings the bell.
Hostess: That will indicate the end of your time together, and your next date will begin. Now, I now, six minutes is not a long time to get to know someone.
Marvin pours popcorn onto a bowl.
Hostess: That’s why myself and the other staff will use the scorecard as you filled out to match you up. Okay? Love is in the air. I can smell it.
Burton Guster turns to Shawn Spencer.
Gus: I smell cabbage.
Hostess: Let the dating begin!
The hostess rings the bell.
Shawn Spencer talks to a woman.
Woman: Shawn, that’s a nice name.
Shawn: Yeah, it’s okay. It’s okay. My last name is Hofen-Inderheine. Yeah, it’s been a tough life.
Shawn: Kids can be cruel.
Woman: Yeah. You know you could probably change that. Uh, what’s your mom’s maiden name?
Woman: Wow, yeah. Teets, as in…
Shawn: Yeah. Yeah. All my ancestry, we’re farmers.
Woman: Oh! Hey, I was raised on a farm.
Shawn: No kidding.
The woman chuckles.
Woman: I had this most adorable little pet goat named Cassie. Yeah.
Woman: Yeah. Did you ever have any, you know, pets growing up? What were their names? Oh, what’s your favorite color?
The bell rings.
Hostess: Move along!
Shawn Spencer turns to Burton Guster who is sitting beside him.
Shawn: I think these people might have more luck dating if they’d ask more interesting questions.
Gus: I just hope, I don’t get pile driven.
Burton Guster turns to a muscular woman, who actually looks more like a man.
The woman looks at Gus, flexes her muscles, and growls.
Later, Detective Lassiter who by the way removed his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt just enough to show some chest hair, talks to his date.
Woman: Carlton, I hope this isn’t too forward of me, but you have kind eyes.
Lassiter: Thank you.
Burton Guster who is at another table is happily chatting with his date.
Woman: I know! God, you know, I never meet anyone I connect with at these things. That’s why I didn’t even bother dressing up. I mean I’ve given up a little.
Gus: I think you look great.
Woman: Thank you.
Detective Lassiter continues chatting with his date.
Lassiter: So, what kind of car do you drive?
Woman: Excuse me?
Lassiter: You drive a sports car? Mustang, maybe? 2003?
Woman: That’s kind of a shallow question, isn’t it?
Lassiter: Do you like hanging out in fields?
Woman: Okay, you know what, uh, I think this date’s over.
Lassiter: No, I’ve got three minutes left. Where were you on the night of the 18th?
Meanwhile, Burton Guster continues chatting with his date.
Woman: You know, normally, I would wear a dress.
Gus: And heels?
Woman: Uh, yeah, I guess, maybe.
Gus: Like open-toed strappy ones?
Gus: Is that what you have in your closet? A lot of high-heeled shoes?
Woman: Do you have a foot fetish?
The woman frowns, and writes irritatingly on her scorecard. The bell rings.
Shawn Spencer dates Detective O’Hara.
Shawn: Look at us. A couple kids on a proper date, huh? You got some goosebumps?
Jules: Shawn, this isn’t a date. It’s work.
Shawn: You’re absolutely right. But, hey, you still got six minutes to ask me anything you want. So, what do you want to know? What are you dying to know about Shawn Spencer, the man? The man.
Jules: Oddly enough, I don’t think I have anything I’m dying to know.
Shawn: Okay Jules, don’t lie, because lying is unbecoming. I’ll go first. You, me, Burgess Meredith, Hume Cronyn, Nipsey Russell, deserted island, who are you going to sleep with?
Jules: Wait, so it’s you or a bunch of dead guys?
Shawn: Fair. I’ll give you Scatman Crothers.
Shawn: Flip Wilson.
Jules: Also dead.
Shawn: Donald Pleasance.
Jules: None of the above.
Shawn: None of the above? Jules, are you kidding me? You got…
The bell dings.
The bell dings again.
Shawn: You’re going to miss me, aren’t you? A little bit. Have fun on your next date, but I want you to think about that, okay? Like, if that really happened.
Jules: Bye, Shawn.
Detective Lassiter walks over to the next table where Detective O’Hara is sitting. He tries to sit on the other table in an attempt to avoid her, but another man beats him to it. Detective Lassiter sits at Detective O’Hara’s table. The two just sit, and kills time without saying a word to each other. The hostess walks over to their table, and whispers to Detective Lassiter.
Hostess: Go on. Tell her she looks pretty.
Detective O’Hara smiles as annoyed Detective Lassiter turns to the woman.
Lassiter: Yeah, no can do.
The hostess rings the bell.
Hostess: That’s it, people. You should have completed all your dates. Please score your cards and check up front at the bar, and we will also tell you who you matched from your questionnaires. Okay?
Shawn Spencer sighs, and turns to his date.
Shawn: I’m sorry.
The hostess sees that Shawn Spencer and his date has not left their table. She rings the bell again, and again.
Hostess: Date’s over.
Shawn: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just haven’t been a high-heel guy since Single White Female.
The hostess dings the bell again.
Shawn: I just…yeah.
Shawn Spencer leaves the table.
Hostess: Thank you.
Shawn Spencer talks to Burton Guster.
Shawn: Dude! I think that Darcy girl might be the one. She’s the right height, she drives an ’04 Trans Am, and she wears nothing but heels.
Gus: How did you find out about the heels?
Shawn: And she works in pharmaceutical sales, just like you. Now, would she have access to that GHB stuff?
Gus: Well, she certainly would have access to the drugs to synthesize her own.
Shawn: That’s sweet! Dude, you got to ask her out.
Gus: What? And go out with a possible murderer? You must be out of your mind. I’m not doing that.
Shawn: Gus, I got to see her on a date. I got to see her in action. I got to look, I got to listen, I got to feel.
Gus: Shawn, if we think it’s her, let’s tell Lassiter and Juliet, and get them to bring her in.
Shawn: You see what happens when we blurt out our theories. We totally whiffed on the tanning salon.
Gus: All right, fine. You go out with her then.
Shawn: I would, but she matched up with you.
Burton Guster turns around. The Darcy girl sees him. She smiles, and excitedly waves at Gus then points at her scorecard. Gus feigns a smile, and waves back.
Shawn: Oh, give her the sweetness. Dude, you got to give her the sweetness.
The hostess drags Detetive O’Hara to Shawn Spencer.
Hostess: This, is a speed-dating first. You and you are a 100% match from your personality questionnaires.
The hostess smiles, and chuckles.
Hostess: I smell love.
The hostess excitedly rings the bell.
Hostess: Come on. Come on.
The hostess leaves the two. Shawn Spencer chuckles. Detective O’Hara does the same.
Jules: I need a drink.
Shawn: I got to pee.
Days later, Shawn Spencer accompanies Burton Guster at the bowling alley.
Gus: Look, I don’t know what to say to her. I ran out of topics on the way over here. Plus, she keeps wanting to rub my head. What’s up with that?
Gus and Shawn look at Darcy who is sitting a couple of feet away.
Shawn: Gus, everybody wants to rub your head.
Gus waves at Darcy.
Shawn: Look, you’re doing fine, okay? Here, here.
Shawn Spencer pulls out a paper from his shirt pocket.
Shawn: Here’s a list of conversation topics, basic starters. You got your ball, head on over there. I’m right behind you.
Gus reads the paper.
Gus: “You’re stranded on a deserted island and you have to procreate the species.” Really?
Gus returns the paper to Shawn.
Shawn: This is gold. I give you gold.
Gus returns to his date. Shawn Spencer sees Detective O’Hara with her date. Juliet O’Hara bowls then turns to her date.
Man: That was good.
Shawn Spencer throws his ball, but only hits a single pin. Detective O’Hara sees him.
Shawn turns around.
Shawn: Detective O’Hara.
Jules: Shawn, what are you doing here?
Shawn: Bowling, at a high level.
Jules: By yourself, on a Saturday night?
Shawn: I’m in a league. It’s semi-pro. I could have gone pro, but you know what, I made a choice. I like to get 14-15 hours of practice in…a week.
Jules: Wow. I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.
Shawn: Quite serious. Quite serious. Matter of fact, Lego wants to sponsor me this year.
Jules: Oh, my God. That’s great.
Shawn: They also want me to wear shoes made out of Legos. So, I’m torn.
Jules: Okay. Well, I don’t want to interrupt your practicing.
Shawn: Yeah, yeah. I should get back. I’m really not here to mess around.
Detective O’Hara’s date comes over.
Jules: Oh, my God! I am so rude. Uh, Kyle, Shawn. Shawn, Kyle.
The guy offers his hand.
Shawn: No, that’s my bowling hand.
Shawn Spencer shakes Kyle’s hand with his left hand.
Shawn: There you go.
Jules: Uh, Shawn works for the police department. He is a psychic.
Kyle: Oh, cool, a psychic. Nice. Can you, uh, tell me anything about my future?
Shawn: Oh, Kyle, please. That’s not really how it works.
Kyle puts his arm around Detective O’Hara.
Shawn: Though I am…I am getting something. It’s, uh, it’s hazy, but, I’m sensing that you’re gonna face a lot of, hmmm, rejection.
Shawn: No. No. Not work-wise. You know what? I’m gonna go. You kids get back to doing your thing. You know, she bowl, then you bowl, then she bowl, and you bowl.
Kyle pulls up his pants.
Shawn: And you’ve got the tight tuck, and it’s sweet and it’s perfect. See you, Jules.
A couple of feet away, Darcy rubs Gus’ head. The two chuckle.
Gus: Okay, okay. Hold on a second. I’ll be right back. Okay?
Burton Guster runs after Shawn Spencer.
Gus: Where the hell have you been?
Shawn: Oh, sorry. Sorry. I ran into somebody. How you doing? You okay?
Gus: Too okay. She wants to go back to my place.
Shawn: Oh, this is great. We’ll get all the information we need.
Gus: No. The problem is I told her I live at the beach.
Shawn: Why would you tell her that?
Gus: I don’t know. I was trying to impress her at the time. I didn’t realize I was going to be dating her, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay, okay, let me think.
Burton Guster turns around to wave at Darcy.
Shawn: Dude, I got it. You can take her to my dad’s place. This is perfect. Look, just give me a head start. I’ll prep. I’ll cover everything. Just drive slow, okay? We can do this.
Gus: All right, bye.
Later, Shawn Spencer is at his father’s house.
Shawn: Just listen, Dad. Just listen. Just hear me out. Hear me out. Listen. This might actually be fun for us.
Shawn Spencer and Henry Spencer step outside of the house.
Henry: What, you expect me to stand outside of my own house, in the cold, getting bitten by bugs so Gus can score with some girl? I don’t think so.
Shawn: Okay. First of all, not just some girl, okay? This dame is a looker. She’s a peach. She’s a spicy tomato. Ha? And she may or may not be a murderer.
Henry: Oh, she…right, see. I knew it. I knew it. This has nothing to do with Gus finding a girl. This is about you using my house so you can conduct a sting operation. Shawn, it ain’t gonna happen.
Henry Spencer makes his way back to the house.
Shawn: Okay, what are you doing? You’re putting a negative spin on things, as usual. Look, might they have a few more obstacles than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold-blooded killer? Sure. But what if they really fall in love, Dad?
Henry: Shawn, you’ve got about three seconds to get out of my way. One…
Henry Spencer walks around Shawn.
Shawn: That’s cheating. You’re cheating.
Shawn Spencer pulls his father away from the door.
Shawn: No, no, Dad.
Shawn Spencer shushes.
Henry: Shut up. Shut up.
Inside, Burton Guster sneaks inside the house. He looks around before calling in his date.
Gus: Please, come in.
Henry and Shawn peep through the window.
Darcy: Oh! Oh. You lit a fire. That was fast.
Gus: Uh. Have a seat. Welcome to my home.
Darcy: Wow. You really like fishing.
Gus: God, no.
Burton Guster notices all the fish decorations on the wall. Gus chuckles.
Gus: I’m just playing. Yes, actually, I do love fishing. Yes.
Darcy puts her arm around Gus, and moves closer to Gus.
Gus: Love it. Love me some fishing. Some wide mouth bass, some perch, some sturgeon. Whoo! Sturgeon is a fish, right?
Darcy laughs then starts rubbing Gus’ head.
Gus: Okay. Okay.
Outside, Shawn and Henry continue to watch through the glass door.
Shawn: What is that?
Shawn: That smell. It’s like, uh, it’s like gardenia with a hint of mango.
Shawn: Oh, my god. Did you take a bath?
Henry; Yes, Shawn. I took a bath.
Inside, Gus converses with Darcy.
Gus: Yes, you know, like security safes, vaults with locking devices.
Darcy: Oh, do you crack safes?
Outside, Shawn Spencer wipes off something behind his father’s ear. Henry tries to shrug him off, and mumbles.
Shawn: With bubbles?
Henry Spencer wipes behind his ear.
Inside, Gus continues chatting with his date.
Gus: Well, I haven’t actually cracked any safes.
Henry: It’s this new soap that I’m using. It, it foams more.
Shawn: It foams more? Dad, it’s called bubble bath.
Henry: Well, I don’t think it’s officially called bubble bath if the bubbles happen accidentally, but whatever, Shawn.
Shawn: Who are you? Where is my father? I’ve accused you of being a lot of things in my lifetime, but metrosexual was never one of them.
Irritated Henry pulls his son aside.
Henry: Come on. I am not a metrosexual. I just happen to be an average Joe who is concerned about his health and appearance. I have taken baths for years, Shawn. That is where I think. I have solved dozens and dozens of gruesome, gruesome murder cases sitting in a tub. FYI, historically, real men have always taken baths.
Shawn: Name one.
Shawn: John Wayne. Rio Bravo. Bath.
Shawn: You got anybody since the Old West?
The oven bell dings.
Shawn: What’s that?
Henry: That’s my roast. It’s done.
Shawn: You made a roast?
Henry: For Christ’s sake, Shawn. It’s not a quiche. It’s man food. I would have gladly gone out and hunted it and killed it if I had the time. And unless you get out of my way,I am going to kill you.
Shawn: No, you can’t go in there. You go in there, you’re going to compromise this entire investigation.
Henry: What is being compromised is my pot roast. It is during out as we speak.
Henry walks around Shawn.
Shawn: No, Dad, No. God.
Henry Spencer enters his house.
Henry: Please, kids, pay no mind. Just passing through to the kitchen. Got to squeeze some juices on my roast.
Henry goes to the kitchen. Confused Darcy turns to Gus.
Gus: Oh, that’s Henry. He’s my…my roommate. Yeah, he’s just making a roast.
Henry: All done. All done. Just had to…
Henry Spencer steps out of the kitchen with a baster, and imitates a squirting sound.
Henry steps out of the house, and into the backyard.
Darcy: Look, it’s fine that you have a roommate, but…honestly, it’s cramping our style.
Gus: It is?
Darcy: What do you say we go somewhere more private?
Gus: Private like where?
Darcy: I know a back road that leads to a field. We can park the car.
Shawn and Henry watch as Darcy flirts with Gus.
Gus: Yeah. I don’t think we should go to the field.
Gus: Why? Um…
Darcy: You don’t like me. That’s it, isn’t it?
Gus: No, no, my hay fever. My hay fever. The last place my nasal passages want to be is a field.
Outside, Henry whispers to his son.
Henry: No, no, no, she’s not your killer, Shawn. Look in this girl’s eyes, son. They’re sincere.
Inside, Gus continues to make excuses.
Darcy: You don’t think I’m pretty.
Darcy: You just felt bad because you…
Darcy is on the verge of tears.
Darcy: We matched up at the speed dating and you didn’t know what to say, so you pretended.
Darcy begins to cry.
Gus: Wow. You put all that together, huh?
Darcy sobs relentlessly.
Outside, Henry turns to his son.
Henry: Those are real tears, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re right. That’s real snot.
Shawn’s cell phone starts to ring. He answers it in a whisper.
Shawn: Hello. Lassy? You what? Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad, dad, dad, dad. I got to go.
Henry: Wha—what do you mean you got to go?
Shawn: You got this covered.
Henry: This poor girl is there weeping on your best friend’s shoulder in my house and you’re leaving? What, get…what am I supposed to do?
Shawn: I know, I know. It’s a tough one. It’s a real thinker. I got it. Draw yourself another bath.
Shawn Spencer runs.
Henry: Shawn. Shawn!
Shawn Spencer is at the Santa Barbara Police Station in the room adjacent the interrogation room. Chief Karen Vick speaks to him as they watch Marvin through the one-way mirror.
Chief: Picked him up hours ago. Found him loitering outside one of the speed dater’s homes. When Lassiter checked his place, he found a stack of the questionnaires in his apartment.
Detective Carlton Lassiter is inside the interrogation room questioning the man.
Lassiter: Tell me about these, Marvin.
Detective Lassiter throws the questionnaires on the table.
Marvin: Look, I don’t know anything about any crime. I just…I used the names and the numbers to get dates, man. That’s, that’s it. I don’t have a hundred bucks to slap down on some entrance fee. Not on my crap salary. So, yeah. And besides, that’s, that’s why they go there. They go there for dates, right? So, why not me?
Lassiter: Why don’t you think about that while you’re trying to take a crap in front of six other guys?
Marvin: Look, okay, come on, all right? All I did was I took some questionnaires out of the trash. That’s, that’s it. What’s the charge? Not littering? So, if you don’t have anything more, I’d like to get to work.
At the other room, Chief Karen Vick turns to Shawn Spencer.
Chief: You think he’s telling the truth?
Shawn Spencer notices a green fingerprint on one of the questionnaires. He recalls Marvin pouring the green popcorn into a smaller bowl. He also remembers seeing green marks on a fence post at the field. Shawn shakes his head.
Shawn: Not by a long shot. Now, look at him, he’s not the right height, he doesn’t even own a car. I mean he can’t match the tire tread. He’s cocky. He thinks he’s on a roll, but I’m inside his head, Chief. And I’m about to hang a Lopez around the frontal lobe, and shoot right out of his nose onto his vest.
Shawn: You smell what I’m stepping? He had a partner. You let him go back to work, he’s going to lead us right to the person. And I’ll be able to pick them out psychically. You have my word.
Chief: I better.
Chief Karen Vick speaks loud enough to be heard in the next room.
Chief: Lassiter, let him go.
Detective Lassiter stands in front of the one-way mirror.
Lassiter: Excuse me?
Chief: Release him.
Lassiter: Release him? Why am I going to release him? Why would I release him?
Chief Karen Vick taps on the mirror. Detective Lassiter stands in front of where the Chief tapped.
Chief: Release him.
Detective Lassiter turns around.
Lassiter: Why don’t you get your shillelagh and get out of here?
Marvin: You got it.
Later, Detective Lassiter, Chief Karen Vick, and Shawn Spencer arrive at Shenanigans. The hostess approaches them.
Hostess: Excuse me, may I help you people?
Lassiter: Yeah. We’re here for the speed dating event.
Hostess: Oh, I’m sorry. It’s already begun.
The hostess turns to Detective Lassiter.
Hostess: Oh, wait. I remember you. Um, look, you seem like a decent fellow, and I’d hate for you to waste another hundred dollars, but I was watching you, and you’re not very good at this.
Detective Lassiter shows the hostess his badge.
Lassiter: Police business. Scat.
The hostess turns around, and walks away. Shawn Spencer has his hands on his temples.
Shawn: Okay, I need to breathe, and I need some space to do my thing.
Chief Karen Vick and Detective Lassiter leave Shawn Spencer alone. Burton Guster wearing a Hawiaan shirt arrives.
Shawn: Oh, good buddy. You got my message. It’s not Darcy. You’re in the clear.
Gus: You’re going to pay, Shawn. You are gonna pay. Believe me.
Shawn: No offense, but it’s tough to feel threatened by you when you’re wearing that shirt. Is that a hibiscus?
Gus: It’s not my shirt, Shawn. It’s your dad’s shirt. He had to loan me one, because mine was covered in snot tears.
Shawn: I can’t…did you know he also takes bubble baths?
Gus: So did John Wayne.
Shawn: I know! But can you name one other guy?
Gus: What’s going on?
Shawn: I solved the case. It’s actually got a decent twist. Have a seat.
Shawn Spencer watches as one of the speed-daters tell a story to his date.
Man: Well, I’m actually kid of an adventurist. You know, I was caught in an avalance once, and in order to survive, I drank my own urine, and I ate three of my toes.
The woman cringes.
Man: Which is, you know, maybe why you saw me limp when I came in.
Shawn Spencer approaches the guy.
Shawn: Hey, big guy, you mind if I…you mind if I cut in here?
Man: Oh, I don’t know. We’re kind of in a…
Shawn: You’re going to be okay.
Man: Okay, all right.
The man leaves. Shawn Spencer takes the man’s seat.
Shawn: I really hope it wasn’t rude. It seemed a little rude.
Girl: Well, actually. I should thank you, because he was awful.
The woman Shawn spoke to the other night is at the next table.
Woman: That is a very nice name.
The girl chats with Shawn.
Girl: But you’re kind of cute.
The woman turns to Marvin who is flirting with a speed-dater. Marvin walks away.
Woman: So, navy blue’s your favorite color? Mine’s green.
Shawn Spencer notices a wedding ring mark on the woman’s finger.
Woman: You know you seem European. You’re sure you don’t have family history there?
Shawn also notices a wedding ring mark on Marvin.
Girl: So, after volunteering for the animal shelter, I…I decided…
Shawn: Can I just…can I just stop you for a moment?
Shawn: I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
Shawn Spencer stands up, and taps his bottle with a pen.
Shawn: Uh, everybody! I’m sorry, if I could just get your attention for a sec here.
Detective O’Hara arrives, and walks over to the bar where Gus, the Chief, and Lassiter are.
Shawn: I’m sorry.
Shawn Spencer turns to the girl.
Shawn: I want to pick this up right where we left off if there’s anytime left on the clock, okay? Because you seem like a terrific person. You deserve someone special. Someone who makes you feel safe, but also a little dirty, you know what I’m talking about? Everyone deserves someone special, each and every one of you. All of you. Look, is your perfect match here tonight? I don’t know. I’m not sure. But the point is, you’re here and you put your hearts on the line, and that’s all that really matters. Unfortunately, there are two people here that do not share your pure desires. They’re not here to find their soul mates. They’re not here to fall in love. As a matter of fact, they’re not even single.
People exclaim. Shawn Spencer turns to the woman with the wedding ring mark.
Shawn: You, Glenda and you, Marvin are a couple. An odd couple, to be sure, but a couple. Matter of fact, you’re married.
Glenda: That is absurd!
Shawn: The tan lines on your fingers where your wedding rings used to be will prove…
At the bar, Chief Vick shakes her head.
Chief: Please, not with the tanning thing again.
Shawn: That not only are you married, but that tanning had something to do with this investigation. Thank you, Chief. Now the question is, why would a married couple infiltrate a singles event? Well, the answer is simple. It’s a perfect place to commit their crime.
Shawn: They’re here to rob you, ladies and gentlemen. To steal from you the one thing that is invariably your own! Identity.
Detective Lassiter turns to Chief Karen Vick.
Lassiter: I told you that leprechaun was bad.
Shawn Spencer continues with the revelation.
Shawn: Marvin did copy the questionnaires to get these people’s phone numbers and addresses.
Shawn Spencer points at Glenda.
Shawn: And you, Glenda, cleverly found the answers to questions like, “What’s your mother’s maiden name? What’s your favorite color? Did you have any pets? What are their names? Name all the Bee Gees.”
Detective O’Hara looks at Burton Guster who just shrugs.
Shawn: Those are the same questions that you get at the bank from security when you try to authorize a credit card. So, what was left? Get the credits card numbers from these poor guys without them knowing they were robbed. So you came up with a plan.
Flashback: Fred Turk is alone at the bar. Glenda arrives.
Shawn: You followed them, you drugged them.
Flashback: Marvin slips drugs in Fred Turk’s drink as he serves him some popcorn.
Shawn: You took down the numbers, and you deposited them naked in a field where they woke up disoriented, grassy-assed, but none the wiser. Fred Turk did see a little alien that day. Except it wasn’t an extraterrestrial. It was Marvin in his ridiculous, stupid green leprechaun costume.
The girl Shawn was dating moves her purse away from Glenda’s reach.
Shawn: And they would have gotten away with it, too, folks. If it wasn’t for their last victim, the one who didn’t quite wake up.
Marvin and Glenda try to escape. Detective Lassiter stops Marvin, as Shawn stops Glenda.
Shawn: Not so fast! Because that isn’t even the worst of it. The worst of it is that you two stole a very valuable seat that belonged to a single person. A single person who believes in the power of love. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Both of you.
Shawn Spencer walks away. Chief Karen Vick walks over to Glenda, and escorts her out the restaurant. The hostess dings the bell.
Hostess: Murder, wow. That’s a speed dating first. Um, be sure to check up at the bar, and see who you matched from your questionnaires. Okay?
The speed daters make their way to the bar. Shawn Spencer returns to his date.
Shawn: I’m sorry about that.
Shawn: You know, I just…it was from here, though. You know that.
Shawn: So, we were talking about what? We were talking about, uh…
Shawn: Beagles, that’s so sweet. Because you like them, and you put little sweaters on them.
Detective O’Hara interrupts Shawn Spencer’s date.
Girl: Yeah, well, sometimes.
Jules: Excuse me, sorry. May I cut in?
Shawn: It’s my parole officer.
Shawn: I’m sorry.
The girl leaves, and Detective O’Hara takes her seat.
Shawn: Where did you…I thought you…I thought you were on a date.
Jules: I was. It’s over.
Shawn: Over, like he laid one on you on the front porch, and you got little butterflies, over? Or you…you pretended like you had a headache, and you called it quits early, over?
Jules: Not that it’s any of your business, but he can’t bowl. And that’s the deal-breaker.
Shawn: I see.
Jules: Hmm. But, look, the only reason I sat down is because I wanted to clear one thing up. I don’t any stock in those profile matching thingies we did the other night.
Shawn Spencer laughs.
Shawn: Jules, I was just messing around I…I copied your card over your shoulder. Like verbatim. What, you thought maybe I sew my own pajamas? That’s…
Jules: Right, okay. Well, good, because I don’t want there to be any weirdness between us, and it seems like we’re going to be working together a lot.
Shawn: All the time.
Jules: Yeah. So, nice job on the case, by the way.
Shawn: Thank you very much.
Shawn: Thank you.
Jules: Okay, all right, I’ll see you at work.
Shawn: That’s how we do it, work style.
Detective O’Hara gets up her chair.
Jules: See you at work.
Shawn: See you.
Burton Guster walks over to Shawn’s table.
Gus: Where’s she going?
Gus takes a seat.
Shawn: You know what, I think I understood the fajitas.
Gus: Well, it wouldn’t be the first time a female walked out on you in the middle of a meal.
Gus pulls an uneaten dinner to his place.
Shawn: Oh, please, Gus, we’re talking about Jules here. It’s not like we were on a date. Plus it wouldn’t work out. It would never work out. I—I’d have to really bowl well, and apparently that’s a deal-breaker.
Gus smells the meal.
Shawn: You know how awful those are?
Gus: I’m hungry, man.
Shawn: We don’t have to stay.
Shawn: Dude, jerk chicken.
Gus: Oh, you know, that’s right.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He’s Dead” episode was written by Andy Berman. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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