Frasier Crane is in his car driving.
Frasier: When the phone company says they will be at your door between the hours of nine and noon they have entered into a verbal contract. If they show up at 12:47, they are in breach of said contract.
Niles Crane is in Frasier’s car sitting on the passenger seat with a birdcage on his lap.
Niles: Again, I agree.
Frasier: Well, I just shouldn’t have waited for them, that’s all. Now my entire day is thrown off.
Niles: Still, I appreciate your taking the time to give me a lift.
Frasier: Yes, well, when you informed me you had to get to the Promenade shops posthaste I assumed it was an actual emergency not to return a cage for some silly lovebirds.
Niles: It may not be on the order of a fallen pant cuff, but until I get back home with something more secure, little Daphne and Niles are living under a colander.
Frasier: Dear God, don’t tell me you actually named them after yourselves.
Niles: A big mistake I admit. This morning when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, “What if she’s hurt or lost or eaten by a cat?” or worse…”What if she meets a bird who’s more birdly than Niles, but without the substance.”
Frasier: Trust me, no one is more birdly than Niles. What is with all this traffic? I tell you, don’t these people have jobs? Some of us have a radio show to do.
Niles: Frasier, relax, you’re not on for another hour and a half.
Frasier: Well…that can’t be right. Oh dear God! My show’s on in 15 minutes!
Niles: I had no idea I was so late. Hey, you can just drop me out front. I’ll get a cab.
Frasier: I’m afraid I’ll have to. Damn it! Dad did this! I tell you, he gets in here and wants to hear his radio station, and he starts pushing buttons like a lab rat on amphetamines.
Frasier Crane screeches to the parking lot. Later, Frasier drives to the exit, and talks to the attendant.
Frasier: Excuse me. We’ve changed our minds. We won’t be parking.
Attendant: That’s two dollars.
Frasier: No, you see, we just came in for a second, and decided not to park. Just check the time on the ticket.
Attendant: Look, it’s two dollars for any portion of twenty minutes. One second, ten minutes, whatever. Unless you go over, then it’s two more dollars.
Frasier: Forgive me. Perhaps I’m not being clear. You see, I mistakenly pulled in here, decided not to park, and now I’d like to just get out.
Attendant: Two dollars.
Niles: I have two dollars.
Niles Crane reaches for his suit pocket.
Frasier: You put that away.
Attendant: Sorry, your mistake. You pay. That’s policy.
Frasier: Oh really? It just so happens that I have a few policies of my own, and one of them is that I do not pay good money for nothing.
Attendant: Well, not for nothing, but your car’s taking up space on the property.
Frasier: That’s not parking.
Attendant: It’s parked to me.
Frasier: But it’s been continually in motion.
Attendant: It stopped.
Frasier: But it’s still running.
Attendant: It’s parked. Look, the fee is two dollars. There’s nothing you can do.
Frasier: Is that so? Did you hear that Niles?
Niles: Yes, and it makes sense to me.
The attendant hands the ticket back to Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Have it your way.
Frasier Crane rolls up his window, and stops the engine of his BMW.
Niles: What are we doing, Frasier?
Frasier: If I’m going to be paying for parking, we are going to get our 20 minutes worth. Then he may have my two dollars.
The drivers waiting behind Frasier Crane’s car start honking their horns.
THE TERRIER PUZZLES
Marty Crane talks to his dog Eddie as he puts together a jigsaw puzzle.
Marty: Okay, what we need now is a sidepiece with some ear, and a little bit of sky. Ear with sky.
Daphne: Well, this is it.
Daphne Moon steps out of her room carrying a box.
Daphne: Sorry, it’s taken me so long to pick up the last of my things.
Marty: Frasier’s not having the carpet people here till Friday.
Daphne: Oh really? When it was my room he said the carpet’s good for another 20 years.
Marty: Yeah, well now it’s going to be a reading sanctuary.
Daphne: He’s turning my room into a library?
Marty: No, he made it very clear it was a reading sanctuary. A library implies sharing. I think there are some pieces missing from this one.
Daphne: You always say that. Keep looking.
Marty: Why do I even do this stupid thing? Some puzzle of what it’s going to look like right on the box.
Daphne: You always say that too.
Daphne Moon opens the front door. Eddie barks. He runs to Daphne, and barks.
Daphne: What’s wrong, Eddie?
Marty: Come boy. He must know you’re moving. He gets this way whenever I bring out my suitcase. He knows I’m going away and he starts raising hell. Boy, come.
Eddie continues barking at Daphne.
Marty: Yeah, that’s what it looks like.
Daphne Moon sets down her box.
Daphne: Well, there’s nothing to get upset about. I’ll be here every day for your physical therapy.
Marty: You hear that boy? She’ll be here everyday to torture your master.
Eddie stands outside he door, and continues to bark at Daphne.
Daphne: What should I do?
Marty: Maybe it’d distract him if you made me lunch.
At the parking garage, a car honks as the parking attendant let’s a driver exit through the entrance.
Attendant: Hold it, man!
An Asian woman exits the garage through the entrance, and turns to Frasier who is still parked at the exit.
Woman Driver: Dumbass!
Niles Crane talks to his brother.
Niles: Other motorists are getting angry.
Frasier: If they weren’t so shortsighted they’d see that I’m doing this for their own good. Like correcting people’s grammar. I don’t do it to be popular.
Niles: And I support that, but in this case I strongly feel that we should pay the money, and get out of here before there’s violence.
Frasier: Oh, Niles, they can get around us if they want to. So, what, it takes them an extra two seconds? It’s a small price to pay for making this a better world.
Niles: Okay, but we’re also inconveniencing ourselves.
Frasier: Niles, you’ll get home to your stupid, filthy birds soon enough!
Niles: I meant that your radio show is about to start. Dumbass.
Cars continue to honk. Frasier Crane picks up his cellphone.
At the radio station, worried Kenny rushes inside the booth.
Kenny: Where the hell’s the doc?
Roz: He still isn’t here.
Kenny: It’s almost show time. I swear to God nobody here has any discipline. I’m starting to think I’ve been too loose with the leash. I mean, gee whiz, I try to make everyone happy, and all it gets me is a twisted gut. Well, no more! This Saturday, we’re going to have a staff meeting. We’re gonna hash out some rules.
Roz: I’m busy Saturday.
Kenny: Well, it’s not mandatory.
The phone rings. Roz Doyle answers the phone.
Roz: Roz Doyle. Frasier, where are you? What?
Roz turns to Kenny.
Roz: He’s at some mall. He’s still got ten minutes of parking left.
Roz resumes speaking to Frasier.
Roz: You know, you don’t have to use the full 20 minutes.
Frasier Crane yells over the phone. Roz turns Kenny.
Roz: He knows that.
Roz resumes talking to Frasier.
Roz: What are you doing? What? You lost me after Gandhi.
Frasier is still in his parked car talking on the phone. Backed up cars honk.
Frasier: Just stall. I don’t know. Read some fain mail, if you have to. There must be! Just check in my inbox! Oh, never mind. I’ll be there when I get there, and when I do, I will have a little speech for my listeners about the power of one.
Niles: Sounds like everybody’s a winner today.
Frasier: Are you being snide? Because that’s not helping.
Niles: I will just go and return my birdcage.
Niles Crane opens the passenger door.
Frasier: Niles, you close that door!
Niles slams the door shut.
Frasier: You can’t desert me in the middle of a fight.
Niles: I’m not deserting you.
Frasier: It would appear to others that you are, thereby weakening my position. Please, you must stay.
A man walks out of his car, and knocks on his window.
Man: What the hell is going on here?!
Frasier: I’m glad you asked me that question. I’m making a stand against his garage that holds me, my passenger and my automobile hostage for a parking fee, which I do not owe.
The attendant approaches the man.
Attendant: He don’t want to pay two dollars.
Frasier: I already told you, it’s not about the money. In fact, to prove it’s not about the money, I will donate two dollars to the charity of your choice.
Man: Only rich people have time for this kind of crap. Just pay the two bucks, Mr. BMW.
Frasier: My income and the style of car, which I drive are irrelevant.
Frasier Crane turns to his brother.
Frasier: Isn’t that so, Niles?
Niles: Yes. I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.
The man walks away. The attendant speaks to Frasier Crane.
Attendant: I told my boss I have a non-pay.
The attendant hands Frasier Crane the clipboard.
Frasier: Oh. You see, Niles, this happens so often they actually have a name for us.
Niles: More than one, I bet.
Attendant: Just sign the form where it says “Unable to Pay”, and you can send us a check.
Frasier Crane laughs.
Frasier: I’m certainly not going to send you a check.
Attendant: Look, most people don’t. Just sign the form so I can get this gate open.
Niles: Oh, Frasier, it’s an out. You should take it.
Frasier: Niles, I refuse to sign anything that says I am unable to pay—it’s untrue.
Attendant: Look, I really don’t care, Jack. I just got to get this lane reopened. Now, it’s either two dollars or the form, so I can put in my drawer.
Frasier: You know my terms: you will receive your money when the twenty minutes is up.
Attendant: Fine. Then I’ll put in my own money.
Frasier: No! No, you can’t do that.
Attendant: It’s too late. It’s on me.
The gate finally opens.
Attendant: Go ahead, Mr. Beemer.
Frasier: Don’t you call me that. You put that right down now. We’re not going anywhere!
The cars honk, and Niles screams.
Niles: I can’t do this anymore, Frasier!
Frasier Crane turns to the parking attendant and smiles. He rolls up his window. Frasier turns to his brother.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Niles: Do you really want justice or is this just an outlet for your bad mood?
Frasier: Oh, fine. Just go, and bravo for staying a whole ten minutes. Good-bye!
Niles Crane steps out of the car. Furious at Frasier, he slams the door shut behind him.
Attendant: I don’t blame you for bailing on that idiot.
Niles: He’s not an idiot. He’s just passionate.
Attendant: I think he’s an idiot.
The attendant looks at Frasier Crane.
Attendant: Suit yourself, idiot.
The attendant closes the gate.
Niles: That idiot happens to be my brother.
Niles looks at Frasier who sulks in his seat. Drivers start honking their horns. Niles looks at them crossly. Niles Crane goes back inside the car. Later, an angry mob has gathered around Frasier Crane’s BMW.
Frasier: Don’t these people realize I’m on their side?
Niles: I don’t think they care so long as you’re in their lane.
Frasier Crane pulls down his window, and yells.
Frasier: I am doing this for all of you! Don’t you understand?
Man: No, no, come out here and explain it to us.
Niles: Don’t even think about it, Frasier. That man wants to hit you.
Frasier: I’m not afraid.
Frasier Crane unlocks his door, but changes his mind. He then pulls back up his window, but opens the sunroof. Frasier Crane sticks his head out the sunroof.
Frasier: People, please. I am not the enemy. I am your champion.
Man: Well, we got places to be, so move your ass.
Woman #1: Yeah, move it!
Frasier: But I’m doing this for all of us.
Woman #2: If you want to do something for me, get out of the way!
Woman #3: Yeah, save the protest for your own driveway.
Frasier: If you could only see things from my point of view, then I’m sure you’d agree with me. You see, I pulled into this garage, decided not to park, and now I want to leave, but they still insist on collecting two dollars.
The parking garage attendant buries his face in his hand.
Frasier: Is that fair? Has a service been provided?
Woman #2: Even if it’s a rip-off, it’s better than causing a big stink.
Frasier: Ah! But is it? I say no. I say we’ve been trod upon long enough by people who are supposedly providing us services. By the postmen who mix up our deliveries, by the telephone repairmen who swear to be there between nine and noon, and yet arrive at 12:47 when you’re wearing nothing but a towel, and a head full of shampoo. Well, enough!
Behind Frasier, and in front of his car a tow truck has arrived.
Frasier: I invoke my right to peaceful protest. Civl disobedience is a cornerstone of this country, for it is how the common man is heard.
The tow truck driver walks over to the parking garage attendant.
Attendant: Can you tow it?
Tow Truck Driver: Not with him in it.
Frasier Crane turns around, and sees the tow truck parked in front.
Frasier: Well, that’s just tough luck, because we ain’t budgin’!
Tow Truck Driver: You’ll have to call the police.
Woman #3: Good idea.
Man: About time.
Frasier: Go ahead!
Frasier Crane returns to his seat, and closes the sunroof.
Frasier: I think I’ve made a mistake.
Niles: Maybe it’s time to back down.
Frasier: I’m not sure that I can. I am right, after all. My principles are holding me captive.
Niles: Your principles may have started this, but it’s your rigidity that’s kept it going.
Frasier: My rigidity? The rigid ones are those who operate this garage, and enforce such inflexible policies.
Niles: You’ve been given more than one opportunity to leave without paying.
Frasier: Yes, but that’s not the point. They have to know whey I won’t pay.
Niles: Which you could explain in a letter. But no, you won’t be satisfied until everyone either agrees with you or has suffered for failing to!
Frasier: Do you really think so?
Niles: I do.
Frasier: Well, that’s quite an indictment. I’ve never really thought of myself as uncompromising. Well, not in a bad way. I’m not sure I like this side of myself.
Niles: Well, you can still change course. Well, if you can leave here without getting your full twenty minutes worth, you’ll be the bigger person for it.
Frasier: Yes, but then these taunting motorists won’t know that I’m being the bigger person. They’ll think they’ve gotten the better of me or that I’m afraid to be arrested.
Niles: The bigger person doesn’t worry about what the other people think.
Frasier: Damn! I do want to be the bigger person. It’s just so hard. You know, we wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for you, and that ridiculous birdcage.
Niles Crane looks at his brother with a mix of shock and anger.
Frasier: Oh, come on! I can only change one character flaw at a time.
At Frasier Crane’s house, Eddie tries to pull the toy from Daphne’s hand.
Daphne: You were right about distracting him. He seems fine now.
Marty: But as soon as you head for that door again, he’s going to have a fit. Let me get you some dog treats to give him.
As Marty is walking to the kitchen, Eddie runs to Daphne’s box. Daphne watches as Eddie fusses with the box.
Daphne: I don’t understand.
Daphne gets up the chair, and walks towards the dog who has jumped inside the box.
Daphne: I may sleep across town, but I still see him all the time.
Marty: Well, you’ve got to look at it from Eddie’s point of view. This person whose meant so much to him, isn’t going to be living here anymore. For nine years, he’s felt the comfort…
Daphne pulls out a tennis ball from inside the box. Eddie barks.
Marty: Of knowing you were here every night, and making him his breakfast every morning.
Eddie starts jumping for the tennis ball that Daphne’s holding.
Marty: He’s come to depend on that. Now everything’s changed.
Daphne walks to the hallway of the unit, and throws the ball. Eddie runs for it.
Marty steps out of the kitchen.
Marty: Oh, would you look at that. He’s probably going to get under my bed to pout.
Daphne: I think he’ll adjust.
Marty: Well, who knows? Old dogs get used to a certain routine.
Daphne Moon carries her box, as Marty Crane sits on the couch.
Marty: And as touch as they might look, they get lonely. But I guess he’ll adjust eventually.
Daphne: You know, maybe I haven’t been coming around enough lately. Why don’t you and I make a regular appointment to walk him together.
Marty: Oh, geez, that’d be great. I have to check with him, but he’s free most of the time.
Daphne: Why don’t we start tomorrow morning. That way I can have breakfast with the old boy, too.
Daphne Moon opens the front door.
Marty: He’d really like that.
At the radio station, Roz Doyle is at her booth filling in for Frasier Crane.
Daphne: Then, on Friday, it’ll be fish sticks with tater tots, and a fruit cup. That takes care of the St. Victoria’s elementary lunch schedule for the next month. We’ll be back to tackle St. Victor’s after this.
Kenny enters the booth.
Kenny: Holy buckets, what are you doing? Take some calls.
Roz: I’m not a shrink. I can’t tell people what to do.
Kenny: Yeah, that always stops you women. Just rap about something. Open up a discussion, you know. The station I.D.’s over.
Kenny rushes to press the button that puts them on air, and watches Roz.
Roz: Hello again, everybody. Well, we’re still waiting on Dr. Crane, so until he gets here, let’s hear what’s on your minds. You know the number. Give me a call.
Roz pushes a button.
Roz: Hello, caller. You’re on the air.
Kenny walks out the booth.
Mark: Hi, Roz, this is Mark from Bainbridge, and I made a big mistake.
Roz Doyle imitates Frasier Crane.
Roz: Go on.
Roz Doyle stifles a laugh, looks behind her, but finds that Kenny has left.
Mark: I slept with my boss. Now things at work are super uncomfortable.
Roz: Well, Mark…I feel for ya. I’ve been there myself. What you ought to do is just talk it out with your boss.
Mark: You went through this too?
Roz: Yeah. And it was weird for a while…
Roz Doyle puts her feet up on the desk.
Roz: But now, things are just fine.
Roz Doyle pushes the button once again.
Roz: Who else out there needs my advice? Let me hear your calls.
Roz Doyle pushes a button.
Roz: You’re on the air. How can I solve your problem?
Woman: Actually, I was calling about something else, but when you say “now things are fine” it sounds like you still work with this person.
Roz Doyle chuckles.
Roz: No. No. I worked with this person a long, long time ago.
Woman: Then why’d you say “now”?
Roz: Because…I don’t speak so good?
Roz Doyle looks very uncomfortable.
Woman: And…isn’t Dr. Crane your boss?
Roz: Well, no. I like to think of Frasier as a colleague.
Woman: So now, he’s Frasier.
Roz: No, uh…yeah…I mean, it’s just that I…
Woman: I think you did Frasier.
People at the radio station have started to gather around Roz’s booth. Roz Doyle buries her face in her hands. She looks out the window, and finds her colleagues looking through the booth’s window. Roz Doyle covers her mouth with her hand.
Frasier and Niles are still at the parking garage.
Niles: Frasier, you are not a prisoner of your character. You can decide right now that you’re going to be the flexible one here. Pay the money and go!
Frasier: I could break my pattern.
Frasier: I could just pay the money without proving to everyone that I’m right. Without teaching them a lesson.
Niles: Exactly. You can do it.
Frasier Crane pulls down his window.
Frasier: Sir…I’ll have you know I am leaving with time to spare.
Frasier: And since you cannot understand the moral code for which I stayed here, I’m sure you must be perplexed that I am leaving before the twenty minutes is up. Suffice to say, I am the bigger man for it. And you and your nefarious policy may now carry on in what is highway robbery in the truest sense of the expression. Here is your ticket…
Frasier Crane hands the attendant his ticket.
Frasier: And your ill-gotten two dollars.
Frasier Crane hands the attendant the two dollars. The man punches a button, and “4.00” is displayed on the screen.
Attendant: Four dollars.
Frasier: Four dollars?!
Attendant: You went over 20 minutes. It’s two dollars for each portion of twenty minutes.
Frasier: But I already backed down.
Attendant: Well, if you would’ve spared me the speech you would’ve made it out in time. Tough break, huh?
Frasier Crane rolls up his window, and turns to Niles.
Frasier: Hold on, Niles.
Frasier Crane screeches past the gate. The parking attendant rights down his license plate.
At the radio station, Kenny sits on the desk as he talks to Roz.
Kenny: I can’t believe it. I mean, I always felt some chemistry between you and the doc, but…wowza! This can’t hurt ratings.
Roz: Calm down, Kenny. It isn’t true.
Kenny: Yeah, right. Hey you didn’t do it here at the station, did you?
Roz: Of course not.
Kenny: Hey, as long as it wasn’t on my couch, who gives? Hey, the commercial’s over.
Kenny walks out the door.
Roz: And we’re back with our new topic cats or dogs: which is better? Hello, caller, you’re on the air.
Frasier Crane rushes through the Roz’ booth, and into his booth.
Jerry: This is Jerry from Elliot Bay.
Roz: Which do you have Jerry, cat or a dog?
Roz presses the mute button, and speaks to Frasier through the glass.
Roz: Frasier, I’m so sorry. I really screwed up.
Frasier: That’s all right, Roz. I’ll take care of everything.
Jerry: I just want to know what’s going on with Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Yes, I bet you do, Jerry. Dr. Frasier Crane here, Seattle. I’m sorry I’m late. It sounds as if Roz has informed you of my exploits.
Jerry: She hasn’t said much. We’d like to hear it from you.
Frasier: Well, it wasn’t my finest hour.
Roz Doyle gets up her chair, and gestures at Frasier to stop, but he raises his hand to say that he knows what he is doing.
Frasier: Let’s just say that I got in there, realized I made a mistake, and then tried like hell to get out.
The people outside the booth laugh.
Frasier: There was a lot of shouting, and then a line started to form behind me. Eh, fortunately, my brother was with me for moral support, and, well, let’s face it, somebody to talk to.
Roz’ jaw drops.
Frasier: You know you’d be amazed how long twenty minutes can be when you’re watching the clock. At least in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars.
More people have gathered outside the booth. They all laugh. Embarrassed Roz Doyle, buries her face on the table.
Later, Niles Crane pays a visit to the parking garage attendant. He talks to the attendant, and hands him some cash. The attendant points at the bar blocking the gate that Frasier broke. Niles Crane pulls out his checkbook.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Enemy at the Gate” episode was written by Lori Kirkland. Frasier is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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