Monday, December 29, 2008

Woman Seeking Dead Husband, Smokers Okay, No Pets – Psych Transcript 1.4

Shawn Spencer holds a seance1989, Shawn Spencer and his dad Henry Spencer are hiding behind a log.

Shawn: How long do we have to wait?
Henry: Until we catch our bad guy.
Shawn: Can I sleep on?
Henry: You can’t sleep on a stakeout, Shawn. You can eat. You can chew gum, but you can’t drink, because if you drink, you’re gonna have to pee, and the target always comes out right when you got to pee.
Shawn: Now, I think I gotta pee.
Henry: Well, then, Shawn, your bladder is going to get some training tonight, too. Continue reading...

Henry sees a man suspiciously walking down the road. He watches him through his binoculars. Henry laughs and turns to his son.

Henry: We’ve got action. Now, I want you to stay down.
Shawn: I know, I know, I know.
Henry: Shhh! Go. Go. Go.

The two of them sneak up on the man who slowly walks up to the front door of their house peering at the glass window.

Henry: Come on.

The man bends to steal their newspaper. Henry restrains the man.

Henry: I got you. I got you red-handed, you lying son of a bitch.

Henry impersonates the man’s voice.

Henry: “ I don’t know what’s happening to your newspaper, Henry.” You’re transparent, Clark. You didn’t think I could nab a liar like you?
Clark: I can explain!
Henry: Tell it to the Neighborhood Watch Association.

Henry turns the man around such that he faces young Shawn Spencer.

Henry: Give the paper to the boy, Clark.

Present day, Shawn Spencer sits at the Chief’s chair reading the newspaper with his feet on the desk. Burton Guster arrives.

Gus: What the hell are you doing?
Shawn: Checking baseball scores. My fantasy team is killing me.
Gus: This is the Chief’s office.
Shawn: I know, she runs the league. I’m kidding. She’s in a meeting. She won’t mind. Plus, we look really important hanging out in here. Gus, have you tried this chair?

Shawn stands up.

Shawn: It’s a pregnancy chair.

Shawn sits down.

Shawn: We have to get one for the office immediately. My birthing canal has never felt so in line.
Gus: We need to get out of here.
Shawn: She told me to wait.
Gus: For what?
Shawn: Gus, I’m not a mind reader.
Gus: No, that’s just what you tell everybody.
Shawn: I want you to try this chair.

Shawn gets off the chair.

Gus: I’m not trying that chair, Shawn.
Shawn: I’ll sit on the birthing ball.

Shawn sits on the birthing ball.

Shawn: I kid you not, that thing is like a refreshing waterfall cascading down your vertebrae. It might help with your stomach issues.
Gus: Who told you I had stomach issues?
Shawn: Uh, my nose. The vent in the bathroom? Air fresheners all over the place?
Gus: I’m trying a new medication for my lactose intolerance.
Shawn: I believe the problem is physical, and I think it can be cured by what I’m now referring to as the magic springy bounce-up chair.

Gus walks over to the chair, and starts poking at one of the ergonomic pillows on it.
Police Officer Buzz MacNab arrives carrying with him smoothies.

MacNab: Hey, Shawn, smoothies are here.
Shawn: Pineapple?
MacNab: Of course.
Shawn: Thanks Buzz.

Shawn slurps the pineapple smoothie.

Gus: You’re having food delivered?
Shawn: They were already going out.

Gus sits on the Chief’s chair.

Gus: Oh boy, I’m telling you…wow.
Shawn: What did I tell you? Now, take a hit off this bad boy and complete the moment, you’ve earned it.

Shawn hands Gus the smoothie. The Chief arrives.

Chief: What do you think this is, Mr. Guster?
Shawn: I apologize. This will never happen again. Give me that.

Shawn grabs the smoothie from Gus.

Chief: Boys, out!
Shawn: What is this, Gus, a smoothie? You know these things stain.

Shawn takes a sip off the smoothie.

Shawn: Mmm. But they are very delicious. Chief, would you like some?
Gus: That’s not my smoothie.
Chief: I don’t care whose smoothie it is. I don’t even remember why I asked you to stay now.
Shawn: You want us on that case with the blonde woman.
Chief: No.
Shawn: Mmm-hmm, Wintersby, Wilacheck, Wislerbottom?
Chief: No, no, it’s…
Shawn: Wilcroft?
Chief: No, that’s not…okay, wait a minute, were you listening in on my conversation?
Shawn: I don’t know if I heard it psychicly or if I saw you walk by with her and Detective Lassiter, but I definitely heard the word “psychic”.
Chief: The woman, Raylene, said she visits an occasional psychic. She wasn’t asking for one.
Shawn: Well, not in so many words.
Chief: No, not in any words. This is a bank robbery case. We don’t need psychics for a bank robbery case.
Shawn: Bank robbery?
Chief: Mmm-hmm.
Shawn: I didn’t read anything in the paper about a bank robbery.
Chief: It was four years ago.
Shawn: So, it went unsolved?
Chief: It was solved.
Shawn: Well, then what does she need a psychic for?

Gus pushes Shawn.

Shawn: Gus! Gus, that is a perfectly reasonable question.
Gus: Thank you, Chief. We’ll be leaving now.

Shawn stammers.

Shawn: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m, I’m still confused.
Chief: Her husband’s partners are getting out of jail. This is a routine warning that we issue when someone may potentially be in danger.

Shawn turns to Gus.

Shawn: This is the part where we offer up our services.
Gus: No, I think this is the part where we leave.
Chief: That’s a good idea.
Shawn: But…
Chief: Believe it or not, Mr. Spencer, crimes were solved long before you got here. And they continue to be solved when you’re not around.

The Chief ushers the two out the door.

Chief: Oh, I remember what I wanted to tell you.
Shawn: What?
Chief: Stay out of my chair.

Later, Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster hang out at the police station’s hallway.

Shawn: Bank robbers? Dude, that’s awesome. We should go find Lassiter and our future client.
Gus: We gotta go.
Shawn: Dude, this woman is on an eternal quest for a good psychic. That’s me! I’m gonna go find them.
Gus: I’m staying right here.
Shawn: Great idea. Wait ten seconds, and make an entrance. Drink some.

Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara speak to the wife of one of the bank robbers.

Wife: Are you saying I’m in danger?
Lassiter: Your husband’s partners are being paroled today. I have reason to believe their first order of business is gonna be to try and find that lost money.
Wife: But the only person who knew where that money ended up was my husband.
Lassiter: I know that. But do they?

Shawn Spencer interrupts their conversation.

Shawn: Hey, Lassi. Juliet.

Shawn turns to the woman.

Shawn: Oh, I don’t believe we’ve met. Or did we meet? In a bank? No, that’s not it. Why am I getting “bank”? Piggy bank? Sperm bank? Doesn’t matter. I’m Shawn Spencer. I am the official head psychic here at the department.
Lassiter: You don’t have a title. And there is serious doubt as to whether you’re really even a psychic.
Shawn: I solved the McCallum disappearance, and the Summerland murder. Oh, and I found your keys, and your badge.

Shawn throws Detective Lassiter’s keys and badge to him.

Lassiter: Out.

Gus arrives.

Gus: Shawn, where are my keys?
Lassiter: No, out.

Shawn quickly reads the name on the case file.

Jules: If you don’t mind, we’re a little busy. We have a…
Shawn: Excuse us, Raylene.
Raylene: Do we know each other?
Shawn: No, we don’t I’m sorry. Psychic, remember? Sometimes I can’t turn it off.
Raylene: Do you do readings?
Shawn: Yes, we do it all. Full service.
Raylene: I’m a bit of an enthusiast. I used to have a regular girl read for me.
Shawn: Oh.

Gus pulls Shawn aside.

Gus: Really?

Gus pulls out a business card.

Gus: Here’s a card. We’re at the beachfront location. I could put my cell number on the back if you have any questions. Anytime, really.
Raylene: Thank you, you’re so kind.
Gus: Oh.

Raylene reads the business card.

Raylene: This is a pharmaceutical company.
Shawn: Uh, like I said, we do it all.
Raylene: Well, I always say, “A man with many hats…”
Gus: “Doesn’t like his haircut”?
Raylene: Exactly. I thought I was the only one who read that book.
Gus: It’s my favorite.
Raylene: Mine, too.
Gus: Really?

Detective Lassiter clears his throat.

Shawn: And scene!

Later, Shawn Spencer is at their office researching on the robbery that happened four years ago. Gus arrives.

Shawn: Dude, what took you so long? This is good stuff. You gotta see what happened to this car. I mean it was really…

Shawn notices that Gus is staring at the wall.

Shawn: What?
Gus: What happened here?

Gus continues to stare at the wall that had been partially torn down.

Shawn: Oh, that? Oh, I had a drywaller come in and take out a wall.
Gus: A wall? This is a rental. What do you think our landlord is gonna say?
Shawn: Gee, I don’t know. “Thank you.” Gus, this place was way too cramped.
Gus: My name is on that lease.
Shawn: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get a thank you note, too.
Gus: You’re taking my name off the lease. And the door, and these Frisbees.

Gus notices that Raylene Wilcroft is in the other room.

Shawn: Gus, don’t be ridiculous. Look, I’m almost positive this isn’t a load-bearing wall. But if you’re really concerned, why don’t you go jump up and down in the attic, and make sure.
Gus: What is she doing here?
Shawn: Ah, she’s our first real client.
Gus: Actual client? Hired for the job?
Shawn: Actual client. Go on man.

Later, Shawn and Gus speak with Raylene.

Raylene: I have to admit, when I met you at the police station, I was intrigued, so I checked your recent track record. It’s amazing really.
Gus: Well, it’s a team effort.
Shawn: Not really. I do most of the work.
Gus: What can we help you with, ma’am?
Raylene: I need you to get in contact with someone.
Shawn: Well, tracking people down is our specialty.

Gus glares at Shawn.

Shawn: What? Oh, it’s not, now?
Raylene: This one might be a little tricky.
Gus: How tricky? Is the person out of the state? Country?
Raylene: He’s dead.
Shawn: Ah, and I assume that’s why you need a psychic.
Gus: Hold on. Dead? Like dead, dead? Currently being eaten by worms?
Raylene: He’s actually entombed in a mausoleum.
Shawn: Gus, he’s ascended to the next dimension. It’s fine.
Gus: No, Shawn, I think we might be at a bit of an impasse.
Shawn: What exactly do you need to know?
Raylene: My husband was not a perfect man. He got himself in a bit of trouble. Okay, I’ll be honest, it was a lot of trouble. He got involved in a bank robbery. He was one of three, but the only one who didn’t go to prison. Unfortunately, the reason he didn’t get caught was that he drove his car down an embankment…
Shawn: Wait! I see rain. No roads, no. There was a fiery crash, wasn’t there?
Raylene: Yes!
Shawn: What would you like me to ask, Raylene?
Raylene: Well, this is hard to say. But he was the one designated to bury the money. They were to all meet later and divide the cash. Only his partners were caught first.
Shawn: So, why wait until now?
Raylene: His partners think that I know where he hid the money. If I don’t give it to them, they’re gonna kill me.
Gus: Shawn, can I speak to you outside, please?
Shawn: I guess.

Gus and Shawn go outside the office.

Shawn: Dude, what is wrong with you?
Gus: Shawn, I don’t know how to break this to you, but you are not psychic.
Shawn: Clue me in on the problem here.
Gus: It’s a big problem when the job requires extensive conversing with the dead.
Shawn: Gus, what is the question that she wants answered? Where is the money, right? That doesn’t require any actual dead guy chitchat. We simply trace his last steps, do a little research, ask a few questions and bingo!
Gus: Stop saying “bingo”. You know how I hate that.
Shawn: Okay, fine. Yahtzee.
Gus: We’re not doing this, Shawn.
Shawn: Mahjong. Gus!

Gus and Shawn return to the office.

Gus: Mrs. Wilcroft.
Raylene: Raylene.
Gus: Raylene. Your problem is outside of our reach.

Shawn gestures to Raylene not to listen to Gus.

Gus: You are in real danger.

Shawn gestures otherwise. Raylene smiles, and tries not to laugh.

Gus: I’d like to recommend police protection. I’m pleased to be of service.

Gus shakes Raylene’s hand.

Raylene: Thank you.
Gus: Thank you.

Detective Lassiter and Detecive O’Hara sit inside their car waiting.

Lassiter: I know they’re in there.
Jules: Just so you know, I am uncomfortable with inter-office romance.
Lassiter: I wasn’t considering it. And I’m completely uncomfortable with the implication.
Jules: So, it wasn’t true, the rumor about you and your last partner?
Lassiter: I’m not going to dignify that with a response.

Lassiter pauses.

Lassiter: This is them.
Juliet: The bank robbers?

Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara watch two mean exit a motel room, and make their way to the car.

Lassiter: Yeah, a little worse for the wear than the day I arrested them.
Jules: You caught them?
Lassiter: I was part of a team, but, yeah, it was mostly me.
Jules: That’s a big deal.
Lassiter: Would’ve been a big deal if I had found the money and closed the case. Things like that make a career. Instead, I got a bunch of loose ends, a dead guy, and three point six million in cash that vanished into thin air.
Jules: It’s funny. They don’t look so mean.
Lassiter: What do you mean “mean”?
Jules: They look like repairmen. Big repairmen, but they don’t look like killers.

The robbers’ car drives past the detectives’.

Lassiter: Duck!

Later that night, Gus arrives at the office only to find Shawn holding a séance with several women including Raylene.

Shawn: Eyes of a serpent, ears of a bat, send us a signal from…
Gus: Shawn.
Shawn: I hear a voice.
Gus: Can I see you outside, please?
Shawn: It wants me to come outside.
Gus: Now!
Shawn: I should go.

Shawn turns of the electric fan that gives out the wind effects with his foot. He walks over to Gus.

Gus: Is that my bathrobe?

Shawn and Gus make their way to the next room to talk.

Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: What does it look like I’m doing? I’m having a séance.
Gus: You can’t have a séance!
Shawn: Gus, there are no rules against having a séance. Anyone can have one. It’s like a garage sale or plastic surgery.
Gus: Okay, first of all, technically, you need to have a permit to have a garage sale. Secondly, you cannot speak to the dead.
Shawn: Oh, Gus, you don’t understand at all, do you? I don’t need to make contact with the dead. No, I need to speak with all the people in that room. They’re witnesses. We can piece together the rest based on the information they give us. I’m already on to something. Check this out. The dead guy was on the lam for three days with the cash. He had help.
Gus: From whom?
Shawn: I’m almost there.

Shawn returns to the séance. He starts humming.

Shawn: Raylene?
Raylene? Yes, Shawn?
Shawn: I’m sensing the last time he called before the accident.
Raylene: Ellen was the only one who talked to him.
Shawn: Ellen. Yes, I feel that deeply. You didn’t tell the police that, did you?
Ellen: No, I was afraid. He’s my brother. I didn’t want to turn him in.
Shawn: No, of course not. Where did he call from?
Ellen: A pay phone outside a store.
Shawn: Yes, it was a store, I feel it. Which store?
Ellen: I think it was a…Thriftymart. Up north, he’d been driving.

Ellen stammers.

Ellen: I’ve always imagined it was the one near Pismo.
Shawn: Pismo! Yes, but the spirits are confused, they need more specific directions. Nearest cross street?
Ellen: Just past the park we used to hike with Roger.
Shawn: Who’s Roger?
Ellen: He’s our cousin.
Shawn: Really? But wait there’s more. The spirits are asking me. What is Roger’s address?
Ellen: I really haven’t seen Roger in years.
Shawn: Come on, Ellen! Work with me! Think harder.
Ellen: Okay, sorry.
Shawn: How about a phone number?

Gus stands up.

Gus: Okay!

Shawn explains.

Shawn: Gus, what have you done? You’ve broken the chain of spiritual trust.
Gus: I didn’t break anything.
Ellen: Don’t ruin it for everyone, Gus.
Gus: I’m not ruining anything. Listen, Raylene. I have to apologize to you. You seem like a very decent person, but what you need is protection, not this. A bodyguard. A policeman. I can assure you there is no spirit in here.
Shawn: What?
Gus: And let me make you a guarantee, there is absolutely no way there will be any soft of contact with zombies.

One of the windows in the room shatters. Everybody screams, and a speeding car is heard. Raylene turns to the woman sitting beside her.

Raylene: You okay?
Shawn: I think that’s all for tonight, ladies.

Later, Gus and Shawn look outside the window at the other room.

Gus: Did you do that?
Shawn: Why would I ruin our totally cool window?
Gus: For effect, to make me think you contacted an evil ghost.
Shawn: Gus, please. Why didn’t you float that idea by me sooner? That’s genius. Somebody obviously wants us off this case.
Gus: I think it’s those convicts, but whoever it is, we’ll never find them. I just saw them run off.
Shawn: You sure about that?
Gus: Yeah.
Shawn: Ladies, stay here. We’re going after them or it.

Shawn turns to Gus and whispers.

Shawn: Let’s go get some tacos.
Gus: Okay.

The next day, Shawn and Gus tells Detective O’Hara last night’s events.

Shawn: And then the window just shattered.
Jules: And you think ghosts did it?
Shawn: No. No. No. Though there may have been some women present who thought ghosts were responsible.
Gus: I blame it on the two convicts from the Holmby Bank robbery.
Jules: I’m sorry, I still don’t understand why that means you need to see the entire case file.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, Juliet, we don’t need to see the whole thing.
Gus: No.
Shawn: No, just the cover page, one or two others, here, there. Definitely the witness list.
Gus: Well, you gotta see that.
Jules: And the Chief’s okay with this?
Shawn: Oh, yeah.
Jules: I don’t think so.
Shawn: No?
Jules: No.

Shawn and Gus walk away.

Gus: I like the other girl better.
Shawn: Not me. Hey, since we’re here, we should do some digging.
Gus: Good idea, why don’t you dig me getting the hell out of here, and going to get some sleep.
Shawn: Hey, I set you up for that. Lobbed it right over the plate.

Gus leaves. Shawn sees Officer Allen with keys dangling on her wrist. Shawn starts coughing as he walks past the desk sergeant.

Officer Allen: Mr. Spencer!
Shawn: Oh! Hey, you, what a surprise. You look different.
Officer Allen: Yes, I took your advice. Three weeks without a cigarette.
Shawn: Well, it has certainly enhanced your aura. And remember, it wasn’t my advice, it was your grandma’s spirit.
Officer Allen: Have you spoken to her again?
Shawn: She’s here.
Officer Allen: Now?
Shawn: Yes.
Officer Allen: Where? In this hallway?
Shawn: No. In the records room.
Officer Allen: I thought I felt something eerie in there.
Shawn: Me too. Unfortunately, I’m not allowed down there.
Officer Allen: Please.

Officer Allen pulls out the set of keys she has in her possession. She escorts Shawn Spencer in the records room. Officer Allen turns on the lights.

Shawn: Oh, no, no, no, no. Not too much light. You don’t want to scare her away.

Officer Allen turns off some of the lights.

Shawn: Yes. Oh, yes. Yes, I can feel her, all right. She’s uh, she’s over by the W’s.
Officer Allen: Why?
Shawn: No. W.

Shawn gasps.

Shawn: This is it!
Officer Allen: I’m nervous.
Shawn: Don’t be. I want you to relax, breathe.

Officer Allen inhales then exhales.

Shawn: Close your eyes.

Shawn quickly pulls out a box.

Officer Allen: Why would she be in the W’s?

Shawn quickly searches through the case files inside the box.

Shawn: I don’t know. Did you know any W’s?
Office Allen: That bastard Walter.
Shawn: Walter. You’re, uh, ex?
Officer Allen: Wow! Yes.

Shawn pulls out a case file, and reads it.

Officer Allen: I hear something.
Shawn: Yes, me, too.
Officer Allen: Paper.
Shawn: No, it’s not paper.

Shawn starts writing on his hand the witness list.

Officer Allen: Yes, it’s clearly paper.
Shawn: You have to concentrate. Breathe deeply.
Officer Allen: No, uh-uh. I’m definitely not feeling anything anymore.

Shawn puts back the case file inside the box, and returns the box in its proper place.
Officer Allen opens her eyes.

Shawn: I think we’ve lost her.

Shawn Spencer and Officer Allen walk back to the police station lobby.

Shawn: I’m so sorry I couldn’t reach her.

Officer Allen holds Shawn’s hands to comfort him.

Officer Allen: It’s okay. I know how temperamental the spirit world can…

Officer Allen turns his hands over to find it all written over.

Officer Allen: You hand!
Shawn: Oh!
Officer Allen: It was the spirits!
Shawn: Yes.
Officer Allen: It’s a message from beyond. What does it say?
Shawn: I think I should keep it to myself. It’s a private message.

Burton Guster is in his room sleeping when the lights turn on. He wakes up, and finds Shawn Spencer sitting by the windowsill.

Shawn: Dude, you look so peaceful when you’re sleeping.
Gus: Never come in my apartment again. You hear me?
Shawn: I’ve seen the Holmby Bank file.
Gus: Look, Shawn, I don’t want to…
Shawn: The cousin is the key.
Gus: Which cousin? The one the sister mentioned?
Shawn: And then immediately regretted. You could see it. She let it slip. Dude, the guy runs a cemetery. Which one? Oh, I don’t know, the one David Wilcroft is buried in? I’ll bet you dollars to donuts he knows exactly where the money is. Look, it’s all right here on my hand.

Shawn shows Gus the writings on his hand. Gus reads his research.

Shawn: His name is Roger Blaine, creepy as all get-out. Lives on the grounds, alone, no wife, no kids. Not that part. That’s the Italian seamstress I met at the Renaissance fair.

That morning, Shawn and Gus drive to the cemetery.

Gus: How much further is this place?
Shawn: I don’t know, 50, 60 miles.
Gus: 60 miles?! And you didn’t get me a donut?
Shawn: I did get you a donut. Then I ate it.
Gus: I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Shawn: Solving a crime? That happens to be our job description.
Gus: No, driving so far on a whim.
Shawn: A whim, he says. A guy dies and gets buried by his own weirdo cousin in a tiny cemetery way up the coast in a town with a population of two hundred. That is not a whim. That is a clue.
Gus: You think the cousin has the money?
Shawn: Roger Blaine? That even sounds like an alias. He could’ve killed Wilcroft or it could have been the sister. Gus, they’re all kind of creepy. The dead guy, the undertaker, the sister, Raylene.
Gus: Oh, there’s nothing creepy about Raylene.
Shawn: Nothing creepy about the melodramatic widow?
Gus: No.
Shawn: Are you serious? Who marries a bank robber? Who sees a psychic every week?
Gus: There’s nothing wrong with her, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay. What is this thing you have with women in jeopardy? They have a name for this, you know. It’s called the Stockholm syndrome.
Gus: No, it’s not.
Shawn: Florence Nightingale’s disease?
Gus: Are you trying to be funny? You can’t ridicule me because I want to help.
Shawn: I can when you want to help too much. You have an unnatural affinity for this woman that I simply cannot wrap my brain around. She dresses like she’s on her way to a PTA meeting.
Gus: Fine. She reminds me of somebody who was very important to me.
Shawn: Who?
Gus: Don’t worry about it.
Shawn: Oh no.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Don’t say it.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Don’t say Meredith Baxter Birney!
Gus: It’s not MBB!
Shawn: This is unhealthy.
Gus: Okay, you were in love with her, too.
Shawn: I loved her because she was Mrs. Keaton, and she gave birth to APK.
Gus: It’s not her anyway.
Shawn: Well, who is it?
Gus: My babysitter.
Shawn: Your babysitter.
Gus: Yes, my babysitter.
Shawn: Gus, Mrs. Pilderman was in her late sixties.
Gus: Mrs. Pilderman was thirty-seven years old and she was a nurse, Shawn. She taught me things, like, you know, about books and art. Things like that.
Shawn: Things like skinny-dipping?
Gus: I did not go skinny-dipping with Mrs. Pilderman!
Shawn: Well, at least that sheds some light on it.

Shawn and Gus arrive at the cemetery and they knock on the door of grave keeper Roger Blaine.

Shawn: Huh, nobody’s home.
Gus: No, somebody’s here.
Shawn: You can see through doors now. That’s the new thing?
Gus: I can smell the laundry vent.
Shawn: No, you can’t.
Gus: Okay.

Gus starts sniffing.

Shawn: Oh, Gus, please with the supersmeller. You have to stop!

Gus starts sniffing. Shawn joins in.

Shawn: Oh, dude, I can smell it, too.
Gus: I told you.
Shawn: Jeans and socks and underwear and a Bounce sheet.
Gus: Make jokes. How long do you think it takes to dry a load of clothes? Thirty minutes? Somebody’s here and not answering the door.

Gus tries to peer through the window.

Shawn: Gus, I apologize. That’s very impressive detective work. I feel a little bad about the donut thing now.
Gus: You should.

Shawn tries to open the door, but it’s locked.

Shawn: Dang it! Let’s try the back.

Shawn sneaks down the stairs followed by Gus. They sneak their way to the back of the house. Shawn crows and gestures to Gus to stay put and keep watch. He whispers to Gus.

Shawn: Just stay and watch. Go on, G.

Shawn sneaks up the backstairs when the door opens.

Shawn: Whoa! You’re not Roger.

Gus runs to the stairs to see what’s happening.

Shawn: No, no, no. You’re, uh, David Wilcroft! Aren’t you supposed to be dead?

Burton Guster faints.

Shawn: Gus? Gus?

David Wilcroft let Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster inside his house.

David: I’m not a real criminal. I just…I got in a little over my head.
Gus: You robbed a bank.
David: I didn’t want to. I was in a bad place. They trusted me. I was supposed to stash the cash.

Shawn observes David Wilcroft’s dirty shoes, and knees.

Shawn: You lost the money.
David: Yeah, how’d you know?
Shawn: Ah!

Shawn pretends to have a psychic vision.

Flashback: Shawn reads the news clipping he researched.

Shawn: It was raining. Really hard, for two whole days.
David: It was the worst rainstorm in 30 years.
Shawn: You couldn’t find it.
David: Yeah. By the time the roads reopened, every marker I left was gone, it was washed away. I lost three and a half million dollars. Driving back, I nearly drove off the road. It was then I realized I’d be better off dead.
Shawn: And you have been digging ever since.
David: Every chance I can get out there without the risk of being seen by hikers or mountain bikers, I dig.
Gus: You know what? Raylene is in agony over this.
David: I didn’t mean her any harm.
Gus: You were never gonna tell her?
David: I couldn’t.
Shawn: Excuse us a moment.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Gus, what’s happening with you and this guy’s wife? Are you having feelings for this woman?
Gus: That’s ridiculous.
Shawn: No, no, Gus. Gus, this is wonderful. Look, we didn’t know he was alive. When she came to us she was technically available.
Gus: Shawn, stop it.

Gus turns to David Wilcroft.

Gus: I’m not hitting on your wife.
Shawn: No, he’s not. But there’s some serious crushing going on here. Due, I am not blind. “A man with many hats doesn’t like his haircut”?

Shawn stammers.

Shawn: Wha-what book is that from?
Gus: She’s a charming woman.
Shawn: A charming woman? Oh , you’re Jane Austen now? She’s an adult. She’s attractive. She’s mature.
Gus: Shawn…
Shawn: David, help me out here. Tell him that this is healthy.
David: Raylene is a very dynamic woman. Everybody is drawn to her. Look guys. I know you want to turn me in. But you gotta understand. I’m close. I am so very close. I’ve covered nearly every inch inside the Kalish trail loop where I buried it.
Gus: And you want us to let you find it?
David: Get her to hide someplace, someplace safe. I just want to return the money and get one with my life. Hmm?
Shawn: We have to think this through.
Gus: Yeah.

Shawn and Gus leave.

David: You know in my mind, they were the lucky ones. They got to go to prison, pay off their debt to society. I’ve been living as a dead man. If Raylene’s going to find out that I’m alive at the very least, don’t let it come from a stranger, let it come for me.

Shawn and Gus make their way to the car.

Gus: We’re letting him go?
Shawn: He’s not going anywhere until he finds that money. I doubt that’ll be anytime soon. He did have cool hair, though. God, we’re missing something else here! He’s the key to solving this puzzle.
Gus: We need to tell Raylene.
Shawn: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! We’re holding all the cards here, Gus. Why would we do that?
Gus: Because she’s in danger.
Shawn: Maybe we can fix that.

Shawn and Gus return to their office to meet Raylene.

Gus: Your husband, he’s alive.
Shawn: Gus! Remember the part where we weren’t going to tell her?
Gus: We never said that!
Raylene: David’s alive?!
Gus: We found him. He’s with his cousin.
Raylene: Roger? No, no, no. That can’t be.
Shawn: I’m sure your head is spinning and that you don’t feel completely safe right now, but rest assured we do have a plan. We are gonna put the convicts back in jail.
Gus: Where they belong.
Shawn: And are gonna stay for a while.

In another part of town, Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara continue to follow the two ex-convicts.

Lassiter: We’ll put these guys behind bars, where they belong.

Detective O’Hara removes the trash on the dashboard. She squirms in disgust.

Jules: So, who authorized this stakeout?
Lassiter: What?
Jules: You know, who set it up?
Lassiter: I did.
Jules: I mean, who sanctioned it? Approved it. Above you.
Lassiter: Above me? You know, I don’t think I like where there is going.
Jules: I just mean it should be officially sanctioned as per the police code.
Lassiter: Which one?
Jules: 11A-17.
Lassiter: Ticky-tack. Doesn’t apply.
Jules: In most cases someone still has to authorize it.
Lassiter: Oh, that’s right, I remember now. I did!
Jules: Well, what about the 42.211?
Lassiter: What about it?
Jules: Well, it states that…
Lassiter: It’s superseded by 15.75.
Jules: Not necessarily.
Lassiter: If you’re in the jurisdiction of a 23.40, it is.
Jules: Maybe.
Lassiter: Maybe?

Shawn Spencer springs up from the backseat.

Shawn: Technically, a 23.40 only applies in federal cases.

Detective O’Hara and Detective Lassiter are surprised.

Lassiter: What are you doing in here?
Shawn: I thought we could share info. What are we looking at?

Shawn tries to get the binoculars on the dashboard. Detective Lassiter slaps his hand.

Lassiter: Get the hell out of my car!
Shawn: Shouldn’t you be wondering how I slid in and lounged for two minutes without you noticing?

Shawn turns to Jules.

Shawn: You’re new and pretty, so it’s okay.
Lassiter: You’ve got ten seconds before I latch the doors and haul you down the station.
Shawn: They don’t know where the money is.
Jules: What?
Shawn: Isn’t that why you’re following them? So they’ll lead you to the money? Psychic. It’s amazing. You’ll get used to it. Look, the dead guy buried the money and then lost it, but that’s beside the point. I think we can cut our losses, put those two back behind bars, if we work together.
Jules: And how do we do that?
Shawn: Well, first, we dress up as musketeers and make a very special pact. Come one, you’ve watched them pull at least a handful of probation violations. You’ve been tailing them. You saw what they did to my office.
Jules: They haven’t been anywhere near your office.
Shawn: They were near enough to bust out my window two nights ago.
Lassiter: No, you’re wrong.
Shawn: You lost them, anyway.

Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara turn to the liquor store where they last saw the two ex-convicts enter to find that they are no longer there.

Shawn: We’ll talk tomorrow. Bye, Juliet.

Shawn hops off the detectives’ car, and rides Gus’ car.

Gus: They don’t want our help?
Shawn: Of course they don’t, But they also lost our guys. Did you see where they went?
Gus: Did I see where they went? You mean did I see their car turn right on Riverside? Or did I see the parking tag from the 2400 Motel?
Shawn: Touche! Did you see what kind of whiskey they bought?
Gus: Shawn, please. Time is being wasted.

That night, Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are at the 2400 motel breaking in the ex-convict’s motel room.

Gus: This is breaking and entering.
Shawn: No, no, no. Only if we break something, and then enter something. Entering is just entering.
Gus: I’m not breaking the law, Shawn.
Shawn: Look, you wanna save your little widow? We’ve got to find some evidence to put these guys away.
Gus: I’m standing firm on this.
Shawn: Fine. What about the window? If it just opens, does that count?
Gus: Depends.

Shawn pulls out the window, and it opens without a fuss.

Shawn: Ooh. Hey, I see something.
Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: I might be able to slide this chain off.
Gus: Shawn?
Shawn: Gus, I’m trying to concentrate.
Gus: You might wanna turn around.
Shawn: What? Whoa!

The two ex-convicts are right behind him with one pointing a gun at him.

Shawn: You guys parked round back, huh?

The two ex-convicts shove Shawn and Gus inside their room.

Shawn: Okay, okay! Was that really necessary? Were we resisting?
Convict #1: Man, window inspector? In a motel?
Shawn: Okay, I lied. I did. I’m sorry. Uh, the truth is I’m a psychic. That’s what I do. Perhaps you’ve read about me in the paper recently.
Convict #2: I’ve been in jail for four years.
Shawn: You don’t have papers? I thought you guys had TV and yard darts and mahjong and…

Gus nudges Shawn. Shawn stammers.

Shawn: Okay, I come bearing a message from a departed being. Uh, David Wilcroft, wants you to know that he lost the money. It’s gone forever.
Convict #1: Why you telling us this?

Shawn stammers.

Shawn: He is concerned that you’re going to harm Rins..Racquel…
Gus: Raylene.
Shawn: Raylene.
Convict #1: Oh, that’s funny.

The two ex-convicts laugh out loud.

Shawn: That is funny.
Convict #1: Jesse, can you make sure that we are not disturbed?

Jesse, the other ex-convict goes out the door to keep watch.

Shawn: You can…
Convict #1: Can you prove you’re a psychic?
Shawn: Sure. Sure. Um, you, you are a bank robber. Yes? You did not like prision.

Shawn observes the ex-convict’s muddy pants.

Shawn: You are wearing the same pants that you were released in, and you have packed on a few pounds since being incarcerated.
Convict #1: No, look, man, I’m talking about real proof! Like a test. Now, look, if you’re right, you live. If you’re wrong, man, you don’t wanna be wrong.
Shawn: Here’s the thing. It’s not really a parlor trick.
Gus: No.

Shawn stammers.

Shawn: And, and I don’t want to cheapen it.

Convict #1: Look, prove it now. Let’s go.

The ex-convict shoves Shawn Spencer.

Convict #1: What’s wrong with you, man? Move!

Gus: Okay! Okay!

Shawn and Gus take their seats. The ex-convict puts his hand behind his back.

Convict #1: How many fingers?
Shawn: How many fingers? Are you? Are you kidding?
Convict #1: Do I look like I’m joking around? How many fingers?

Shawn takes a pitcher and pours water on a glass.

Shawn: We gotta be able to come up with something better than that.
Convict #1: All right, man. Time’s up.

Shawn sees through the reflection on the television screen that’s behind the ex-convict the number of fingers he is holding. He verifies it with the reflection on the pitcher.

Shawn: Four.
Convict #1: All right. How many now?
Shawn: Two. Now, can we move on? Because Gus and I have some questions we…

The ex-convict changes the number of fingers he is holding, but Shawn sees it too.

Shawn: Three. For instance, why was it so funny…

The ex-convict does it again.

Shawn: Three. And is it possible…still three.

The ex-convict startled and confused slowly changes the number of fingers he is holding up.

Shawn: Now it’s technically two and a half fingers. And the guy with the gun is flipping me the bird.
Convict #1: You can see my fingers, can’t you?
Shawn: No. No. Yes, yes, yes, I can. It’s the reflection of the TV bouncing off the mirror to the water pitcher here.
Convict #1: All right. Okay, maybe not. We’re gonna try this one more time.

The ex-convict moves away from the television, and moves right in front of Gus.

Convict #1: Now, how many fingers?

Gus pulls out three fingers.

Shawn: Dude, you need to stop picking three.

The ex-convict stops pointing the gun at Shawn.

Convict #1: Respect, man. Gee. Oh, man! That’s…

Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara arrive at the motel.

Lassiter: Yep. They’re back here.
Jules: I can’t believe we lost them.
Lassiter: Don’t think that wasn’t on purpose.

Inside the motel, Shawn and Gus mingle with the ex-convicts.

Shawn: To Wilcroft.
Convict #1: Hell of a wheelman.
Shawn: He was the wheel man?
Convict #1: Yeah. You should know that, right?
Gus: Well, Shawn’s visions sometimes are scattered. Incomplete.
Shawn: How does a wheelman miss a turn on a mountain road?

Jesse laughs.

Jesse: I tell you what, he didn’t miss that turn. I bet he just drove straight off. You wanna know why?
Shawn: Because he was trying to get away from his wife.
Convict #1: Damn you’re good!
Gus: No, no. That can’t be, why would he be…
Convict #1: We called her the Viper. Man, she was cold as hell. We had to do whatever she said, man. We had no choice.
Gus: Who?
Convict #1: The wife.
Gus: Raylene?
Convict #1: You know her?
Gus: Well, she came to us, she wanted to contact David.
Convict #1: Figures. That was her only weakness. The occult. Man, she’d stop at nothing to get her hands on that money.
Gus: No, she only wanted the money to protect herself from you two.
Convict #1: From us?
Gus: Yeah.

The ex-convicts laugh.

Convict #1: Man, the last thing we would ever do is cross her. All we wanted to do was get away from her. Especially David. Man, she ran him around like he was an animal. He did whatever she said. Look, man, I don’t know if you guys got caught up in the charm or whatever, but I’ll tell you, man, that was her key. She could play anybody. I’m telling you she is a very dangerous lady.
Gus: Raylene was the mastermind.

Shawn exclaims.

Shawn: I already knew that, because I’m a psychic. Come on, guys. We should go.

Shawn stands up. Jesse goes over to the window.

Jesse: You don’t want to go out that way.
Shawn: Why?
Jesse: We got company outside.
Shawn: Is there another way out of here?

Later, Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are in their car driving.

Gus: I can’t believe I just crawled through a bathroom window. It has to be a lie.
Shawn: Gus, you’re attracted to dangerous women, man. It happens. Joan Jett, for example. Penny Marshall. Grace Jones or the woman who played Pinky Tuscadero.
Gus: She seemed so sincere. So vulnerable, you know?
Shawn: Yeah! Turns out she’s a domineering snake lady who drove her browbeaten husband to fake his own death. And we, we led her right to the poor bastard.
Gus: Yeah.
Shawn: Lizzie Border, Kathy Bates!

Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster arrive at the mausoleum, and finds Raylene holding a gun.

Gus: Raylene! This is not you…

Raylene points the gun at Shawn and Gus.

Shawn: Whoa! Is today, gun day?
Raylne: Sit.

Shawn and Gus sit.

Gus: “Just rush in here”. Bad idea, Shawn.
Shawn: Let her hang herself.
Raylene: Quiet.

Shawn pretends to have a psychic vision.

Shawn: Raylene, I am sensing that this is going to end very, very badly.
Raylene: Find me my money.

Raylene turns to her husband.

Raylene: I know you have it.
Shawn: He doesn’t have it. I’m the only one who knows where the money is.
Gus: Whoa! He doesn’t know where the money is.
Shawn: Of course I know where the money is.
Gus: Shawn, I don’t know what your strategy is, but you don’t know where the money is.
Raylene: You have five seconds. One…
Shawn: Really? The countdown?
Raylene: Two…Three!

Shawn stands on top of the bench and hides behind Gus.

Shawn: Okay! It’s in the crypt.
Raylene: The money’s in the crypt.
Shawn: Well, David here certainly isn’t. Think about it, Raylene.

Shawn moves over to the wall of crypts.

Shawn: Roger runs the place. It’s the perfect hiding spot. They can get in and out whenever they want.

Raylene turns to her husband.

Raylene: Pry it open.
David: With what?
Raylene: With the stanchion.

David Wilcroft does what he is told. Shawn walks over to Gus.

Shawn: Oh! Apparently those are called stanchions, Gus, were you aware of this?
Gus: Yes, I was. How did you figure out that the money was in the crypt?
Shawn: I’m bluffing.
Gus: This is not a good time to bluff.
Shawn: I think it’s a great time! She was going to kill us. And besides, I’ve always thought a crypt was a great place to stash loot, you know? It’s kind of like a vault, I mean, you can just get in there whenever you need to.
Gus: She’s gonna figure out you’re lying.
Shawn: Eventurally, but, come on, it’s gonna take a while to bust open a crypt.

David Wilcroft smashes the stanchion on the crypt, and it breaks open.

Shawn: Wow. Not as long as I was hoping for.

Raylene turns to Gus and Shawn.

Raylene: Help him get it out.
Gus: Raylene, pelase.
Raylene: What are you waiting for?

The mausoleum door opens.

Shawn: That.

The two ex-convicts arrive.

Convict #1: Son of a…
Jesse: David!
Convict #1: I don’t believe this!
Shawn: Well, what are you going to do, Raylene? Shoot all of us?
Raylene: None of you are armed. I can do whatever I want.
Jules: Really now?

Detective O’Hara and Detective Lassiter emerges.

Lassiter: Drop it.

Detective Lassiter turns to David Wilcroft.

Lassiter: You, move away from the stanchion.
Shawn: Uh, what took you so long?
Lassiter: Shut up!

Detective Lassiter arrests David Wilcroft, and Detective O’Hara arrests Raylene.
Shawn and Gus watch as they usher the two away. Gus turns to Shawn.

Gus: He does have nice hair.
Shawn: Yeah, that takes a lot of upkeep, though, man.
Gus: Yeah.
Shawn: You gotta worry about split ends.
Gus: Dandruff.
Shawn: Dandruff.
Gus: It’s horrible.
Shawn: It’s awful.
Gus: Yeah. Let’s get out of here.

The following day, the Chief update Shawn, Gus, and the detectives about the case.

Chief: The Wilcrofts are not talking to all our investigators. We get indications from their lawyers that they will plead the fifth to all charges, which leaves me with a whole slew of loose ends. For instance, Detective Lassiter, could you tell me how you made the discovery that David Wilcroft was still alive?
Lassiter: Well, actually, Chief, we never made that connection, per se. We were on a stakeout.
Chief: Yes, I see that. You describe it as “harrowing and intense”.
Jules: I’m sorry. Those were my words. You wanted me to spell-check it.
Chief: I still don’t understand how that connected you to David Wilcroft.
Gus: Well, that’s where we come in, Chief, some good work was done…
Shawn: By Detective Lassiter. He was amazing. He figured out there was a connection to Roger Blaine, the cousin, who was involved with the faking of the death. Burnt body, no DNA, pretty convenient, he deducted.
Lassiter: I never said that.
Shawn: No, but you thought it. That’s how good you are, Lassy. You practically solved this entire case up here without uttering a single word.
Lassiter: I did nothing of the kind. I was following the money and protecting Raylene.
Chief: Who turned out to be the dangerous one.
Shawn: Which I picked up from Detective Lassiter’s massive brain.
Lassiter: Not true!
Shawn: True.
Lassiter: Not!
Shawn: It was so!
Chief: You, gentlemen, please. So, we still have no idea where the money is?

Shawn puts his hand on Detective Lassiter’s head. Detective Lassiter pushes it away.

Shawn: I got nothing from him. But if he figures anything out I’ll be the first to know.
Lassiter: Would you excuse us for the moment.

Detective Lassiter pushes Shawn Spencer outside the office.

Lassiter: We’re going to have a private conversation. I know what you’re doing.
Shawn: Giving you credit?
Lassiter: You’re trying to get me to admit you’re psychic.
Shawn: You’ve already done that.
Lassiter: No, I haven’t.
Shawn: You’re right. I’m sorry. You didn’t actually say it.
Lassiter: Spencer, no matter what you do, I will never, never ever say those words.
Shawn: Which words?
Lassiter: You know which words.
Shawn: No, man, I lost my train of thought. Which words?

Shawn Spencer puts his hand on Detective Lassiter’s head and he pinches his nose.

Shawn: Oh!

Shawn Spencer speaks loud enough for everybody to hear.

Shawn: That you think I’m psychic.

The Chief, Detective O’Hara and Burton Guster look at them.

Shawn: So when are you going to tell them where the money is?
Lassiter: I don’t know where the money is.
Shawn: Sure you do. You’re seeing dirt. Am I right?
Lassiter: No.
Shawn: What am I going to say now?

Shawn and Gus drive to the woods.

Gus: What are we doing here?
Shawn: Ah, it’s Saturday. I thought we’d get some fresh air.
Gus: We drove an hour out of town to get some fresh air?
Shawn: Well, there’s that, and…

Shawn opens the back of the car where the shovels are.

Shawn: And we’re gonna find the dread pirate Wilcroft’s dirty booty.

Gus: Shawn, the guy’s been digging for four years. We’re gonna find it one afternoon?
Shawn: Ninety minutes. Tops. And I brought some chicken for a hearty snack.
Gus: And how do you plan on finding it?
Shawn: Well, he said he dug every inch of the Kalish Loop after he buried it here, right?
Gus: Yes, three miles worth.
Shawn: But it was dark and it had rained, and he said he thought it was right off the path, he may have gotten lost.
Gus: Heard his story, Shawn.
Shawn: Did he realize there’s a J.Kalish and an L. Kalish trail? Dude, it’s completely defunct. Check it out, only used by the rangers for back fires, medical access, mud slide emergency routes, like, for instance, during a torrential rainstorm. Otherwise, it’s gated and it looks completely abandoned from the road.
Gus: Okay, I find it. I get credit.
Shawn: I’m the pychic, I have to get a vibratiton. “Chief! Yes. I’m getting a trailhead, a pathway. And something else.” “What is it?” “Chicken bones. Yes. Tandoori style. Fresh! Oh, I bet they were delicious. Yes!”

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Woman Seeking Dead Husband, Smokers Okay, No Pets” episode was written by Steve Franks. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.

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