1986, Henry Spencer is sitting on the porch watching his son jump over their fence.
Kid: You’re dead, Spencer.
Young Shawn runs inside their house and closes the sliding door.
Henry: What you doing, Shawn?
Henry: Looks like something to me.
Shawn: Okay, I was running away from Ryan Brickhouse.
Henry: That him?
Henry: Is he the same kid who’s been hassling you all week?
Henry gets up his chair, and approaches his son.
Henry: Why is he chasing you today?
Shawn: I might have thrown a rock at him.
Henry: Did you hit him?
Henry slides open the glass door.
Henry: Get back out there.
Henry: You can’t run away from the bad guys forever, Shawn. Eventually, you got to come up with a new approach.
Henry: So, find one.
Henry watches as his son walks over to Ryan Brickhouse. Young Shawn notices Ryan’s Math test paper sticking out of his backpack.
Shawn: You’re flunking math?
Shawn: Here’s the deal. Leave me alone. I’ll make sure you ace the test tomorrow.
Shawn: Every third answer is “C”. There’s a pattern to all our tests. Mrs. Bodansky does it every time. I memorized it. I’ll show you.
Ryan: You better not be lying.
Young Shawn walks back to their front door. Henry stops him.
Henry: Not bad. You faced your fears. You got a new result. You came out ahead. Did you really memorize those test answers?
Henry picks up the phone and starts dialing.
Shawn: Who are you calling?
Henry: Your math teacher.
Present day, Shawn Spencer is at his office playing a videogame. Burton Guster arrives and notices that there’s a woman sitting on the desk with her legs up.
Shawn: No, no, no, no. Yes. Yes. Nickel. That’s nickel. Yes, yes, yes.
Gus: Who is that?
Shawn: Who is who?
Gus: The girl sitting in our front desk.
Shawn: Ah, you’re talking about the lovely Dagmar.
Shawn: She’s our new receptionist.
Gus: How did she get the job?
Shawn: Agency sent her over.
Gus: You contacted a temp agency without consulting me?
Shawn: Gus, anyone can get a secretary from a temp agency. It takes real foresight and creativity to get one from a modeling agency.
Gus: A modeling agency?
Gus checks out the new girl.
Gus: Now, why would a beautiful lady like that want to be our secretary?
Shawn: Oh, that’s a bit of a story, you see. Apparently, she got it in her head that this was a runway gig. I blame the agent. I was very clear on the phone.
The telephone starts ringing.
Shawn: But, she’s cool with sticking around for the rest of the day and seeing how it goes. You know how slow it gets when it’s not modeling season.
Gus: Does she answer the phone?
Shawn: Yes, but only her cell phone. She’s expecting a call from Milan.
Gus: Does she file?
Shawn: Mostly her nails.
Shawn: Yes, she wants some. Can I make you anything?
Shawn: Dude, I thought you weren’t coming in till, like, noon.
Gus: Big drama at the office today. A doctor we supply product to got killed.
Shawn: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You didn’t call me immediately?
Gus: You don’t know him.
Shawn: Gus, this is what we do. Remember? We can solve the case.
Gus: The police are already there.
Shawn: This means nothing to me. They’re going to need help, guidance, psychic vibrations.
Shawn walks to the reception area followed by Gus.
Shawn starts speaking to Dagmar in German. Dagmar says goodbye in German.
Gus: She doesn’t speak English?
Shawn: Does she need to?
Detective Lassiter scolds Detective O’Hara.
Lassiter: Where in the name of all that is holy is my forensics team?
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster arrive at the doctor’s office.
Shawn: All right, what can you tell me about this doctor that I can pretend to ascertain from the spirit world?
Gus: Dr. Blinn wasn’t on my route. I did cover him a few times. All I remember is he always made you wait, and he had a picture of Pete Rose on his wall.
Shawn: Look how cute she is in the fuchsia.
Shawn runs over to Detective O’Hara and Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: I have been sent by the spirit of Pete Rose.
Lassiter: Pete Rose isn’t dead.
Jules: There was a photo of Pete Rose on the wall.
Shawn: Okay, why have I been drawn here? Was there a murder? Do I need the little booties for the crime scene?
Lassiter: Thanks, but we’re doing just fine.
Detective Lassiter walks away. Detective O’Hara lets Shawn and Gus through.
Jules: Don’t go in the back room.
Shawn and Gus pass through the police tape. Shawn smiles at Detective O’Hara.
Jules: My grandpa loved Pete Rose.
Detective O’Hara goes over to where Detective Lassiter is.
Lassiter: All right, I want you guys ringing doorbells. If anybody in the neighborhood saw anything, I want to know about it.
Detective Lassiter turns to Detective O’Hara.
Lassiter: Patient files.
Jules: Cabinet’s locked. We haven’t found the key.
Lassiter: Get a hold of the DA’s office. Tell him I need access to those files. If they say we need a warrant, get it. Also, get me a copy of his desk calendar.
Detective Lassiter makes his way to the door, but finds Shawn and Gus standing in front of him.
Lassiter: I thought I told you now.
Shawn: But your eyes said yes. Hey, who’s that Cincinnati Red over there with the bowl cut?
Detective Lassiter turns around. With his back turned, Shawn Spencer takes the opportunity to survey the crime scene. He sees a marble pyramid shaped paperweight, the dead doctor with a bump on his head, and also a toothpick on the floor.
Lassiter: Let me be perfectly clear. This is my crime scene. I don’t need your help. I don’t want your help. If you don’t leave right now, I will have you arrested for interfering with a police investigation. Am I clear?
Shawn: Like butter.
Shawn is back in his office lying on the sofa throwing a ball to the air.
Shawn: I’ve given this a great deal of thought. I think we should take the rest of the day off. What say you?
Gus: All we’ve done is eat up a box of animal cookies and crash a crime scene.
Shawn: The case with the doctor. They’re coming back to us eventually. You know this. So, let’s go to the beach. It’s too nice a day for murder and mayhem.
Dagmar speaks to a man in German.
Man: I have to see him right now. It’s important.
The man barges in their office.
Man: I’m sorry. I don’t mean to barge in, but I need help.
Shawn and Gus meet with the man.
Shawn: Mr. Dunn, Robert, how can we help? And can I call you Bob?
Robert: This is difficult.
Shawn: Take your time. We’re here.
Robert: I’m just gonna come out and say it. I’m being haunted.
Shawn Spencer gets up his chair.
Shawn: Yes. Haunting?
Shawn stands behind Robert and turns to Gus. He whispers.
Shawn: He’s crazy.
Shawn speaks in his normal voice.
Gus: Not now, Shawn. We’re in the middle of something.
Gus: Stop talking. Sit down.
Gus turns to Robert.
Gus: Now, what exactly do you mean when you say, haunted?
Robert: Well, my home. Sometimes I smell perfume when no one else is around.
Shawn starts texting on his cell phone.
Robert: Things get broken or moved.
Gus’ cell phone starts vibrating.
Shawn: Oh, Gus, I think you have a text message.
Gus: I’ll get it later.
Shawn: I think you should get it now.
Gus pulls out his cell phone and reads Shawn’s text message that says “HE’S CRAZY!!!! LET’S GO!!!!” Shawn gestures to Gus with his eyes that they ought to leave.
Gus: Sorry. Work business.
Gus squats beside Robert.
Gus: Can I ask you a question?
Robert: Yeah. Yeah.
Gus: Do these spirits ever speak to you?
Robert: No. No. Whatever, whoever it is, it hasn’t spoken to me.
Gus: Oh. Have you contacted the police?
Robert: Yeah, but they said that there was nothing they could do. So, here I am.
Gus’ phone starts vibrating again.
Shawn: Robert, we deal with this kind of phenomenon all the time.
Gus checks the message that reads “HE’S NOT BEING HAUNTED!!!!”
Shawn: What you need to realize is that evicting a spirit is a very time-consuming and absurdly expensive process.
Gus writes back to Shawn.
Robert: I don’t care, okay? I just can’t go on living this way.
Shawn’s cell phone starts vibrating.
Shawn: Excuse me.
Shawn reads the message that says, “We are taking this case!”
Shawn: Oh, really?
Gus: Yes, Shawn.
Shawn: Look, all I’m saying is that it might be easier to try moving into a different house, one that’s less haunted.
Robert: Whatever this thing is, it followed me all the way from San Francisco.
Gus: Maybe it likes you.
Robert: No, I don’t think so.
Gus: What makes you say that?
Robert Dunn pulls open his shirt to reveal marks around his neck.
Robert: I think it tried to kill me.
Burton Guster is packing paraphernalia in his bag. Shawn Spencer puts a magnifying glass over his mouth.
Shawn: Gus, what is all this?
Gus: Gear we might need. If we’re going to be hunting spirits, we might as well do it right. Methodically, systematically, scientifically. Who knows, we might be surprised what we find.
Shawn: Video camera? Nice. Audio recorder. Motion detectors. Gus, I’m very impressed. You only forgot one thing.
Gus: Really? What?
Shawn: There’s no such thing as ghosts.
Gus: Yes, there is.
Shawn: Oh, Gus, no.
Shawn: Stop. Please. Let’s just. Let’s just stop. Come here. Sit down. Please, sit.
Shawn pulls out a chair. Gus sits, and Shawn sits in front of him.
Shawn: All right, this is me talking. This is Shawn. What’s going on? I usually to have to drag you to these cases, kicking and screaming, and those are real police cases. Now, all of a sudden we have some client who’s either bonkers or, judging by the size of the bags under his eyes, suffering from nothing more than waking dreams or hallucinations and you, you’re ready to go ghost-hunting. Talk to me.
Gus: All right. I never told this to anyone before, but I was twelve.
Shawn: Gus, it’s me.
Gus: It was late. I was in my room with the lights off. I heard a voice.
Shawn: Gus, I’m sure there’s a perfectly logical explanation.
Gus: No, no, no, Shawn. It wasn’t on TV and it wasn’t a radio. It was coming from the walls, and the voice, the voice told me that our house was built on an old Indian burial ground.
Shawn: Shut up.
Gus: And she said…she said she was sad because she had died many moons ago, and was trapped between worlds. When I asked her her name, Shawn, she said my name…
Shawn mimics a woman’s voice.
Shawn: My name is Wilting Flower. I died without knowing love. Will you be my friend?
Gus is almost in tears.
Gus: How—how did you know that? I never told that to anyone before.
Shawn: I was Wilting Flower. Gus! I can’t believe that you fell for that! I put an old walkie-talkie in the wall when your dad put in the new insulation. The old Indian burial ground, you bought that? I got that from Poltergeist or Poltergeist II. Gremlins? No, it wasn’t Gremlins.
Gus: That’s not funny, Shawn!
Detective Lassiter is on the phone.
Lassiter: You know what? Let’s add a “Trixie” to that. She is the companion to “Scrappy”, right?
Detective Lassiter is looking at “Darling Figurines” on his computer.
Lassiter: Okay, great. Let’s add that to Girl with Flowers, and Merry Musicians. Okay, now listen, I need the card to read, “Happy Birthday. X is the loneliest letter in the alphabet”. But I need you to spell it, E-X, as in…Oh, you got it. Okay, well, see, it continues, “From your not yet ‘ex’, E-X, husband, Carlton”. Perfect. These will go out today, right?
Detective O’Hara stands behind Detective Lassiter and sees his computer screen.
Lassiter: All righty-dighty. Thank you very much.
Detective Lassiter hangs up the phone.
Jules: I didn’t know you collected figurines.
Detective Lassiter is startled.
Jules: You know, I have a grandmother…
Lassiter: Do you not knock?
Jules: There’s no door.
Jules: Sorry. The DA’s office called. They said that we can have access to Dr. Blinn’s patients’ files.
Lassiter: About time.
Detective Lassiter slaps his desk, gets off his chair, and takes his jacket.
Lassiter: Let’s go get in there, get those addresses. Bring these nut jobs in for questioning.
Shawn and Gus are in Robert Dunn’s house.
Robert: Here’s where I found all my paintings last weekend upside down.
Gus is holding a device that suddenly starts beeping.
Gus: I’ve got a cold spot. Right here.
Shawn walks over to Gus.
Gus: Feel it?
Shawn: Yes. Yes, I do. Robert, we’ve definitely got something here.
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: You’re standing under a vent.
Shawn notices a strand of hair.
Shawn: So, all these are yours, huh?
Robert: Yeah, I’m trying to get ready for a show.
Shawn: No kidding. Has anything strange ever happened here?
Robert: Sometimes I get the feeling that the furniture has been moved.
Shawn: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Did you actually see it happen?
Robert: No, no, I just come into a room and everything’s not where I left it.
Shawn notices a class picture with somebody’s face crossed out.
Shawn: Robert, do you have a photo album?
Robert: Hmm. Yeah.
Robert pulls out a photo album. He hands it to Shawn.
Shawn browses the album.
Shawn: Mmm. Ah, that’s a nice shot, huh?
Shawn shows Robert one of the pictures when he suddenly flips over the album. Shawn exclaims.
Shawn: I feel it! I feel it. Oh, Gus, Gus, oh! Oh! She is angry!
Shawn shakes the album up and down such that it flaps like a bird.
Shawn: She is angry! She is soaring! With rage and…
Shawn hollers like an angry bird.
Shawn: She wants to go to the bedroom! Where’s the bedroom?!
Robert: It’s here! Here!
Robert Dunn runs to the bedroom.
Shawn: Take me! Oh!
Shawn follows Robert, and Gus follows Shawn. Shawn starts squawking then choking. He drops the album as if it’s a dead bird.
Shawn: I’ve lost her.
Robert Dunn sighs.
Robert: You don’t believe me, do you?
Shawn: No, no, of course we do. You saw it, too, didn’t you?
Robert: Guys, please, stay the night. Then you’ll see. I mean, you don’t know what it’s been like. I can’t work. I can’t concentrate. I wake up in the morning more tired than when I went to bed. Days pass when I can’t remember what I’ve done…
Shawn signals to Gus to comfort the now sobbing Robert. Shawn and Gus play “Rock, Paper, Scissors” to decide who should comfort the man. Gus loses, but he tells him that it has to be two out of three. They play again. Shawn loses. They play for the last time, and Gus loses. Gus hesitantly pats the man’s shoulder.
Later, Robert shows them where Shawn and Gus can sleep.
Robert: This pulls out into a bed, but that’s all I got.
Shawn: Oh, no worries. What’s a little spooning between old pals, huh, Gus?
Robert: Well, good night.
Shawn: Good night, Robert.
Gus: You got the floor.
Shawn: Oh, we’ll make it work. You don’t mind if I nude up for the sleepover, right?
Gus: Seriously, Shawn, only one of us is sleeping at a time. The other one is on watch.
Shawn: Oh, no. We’ll both sleep. I’ll put on some socks, make you feel more comfortable.
Gus: Stop playing, Shawn. We’re here to solve a case.
Shawn: I already solved it.
Gus: When? When you were flapping a book like a bird?
Shawn: Gus, if you must know, it was a bald eagle, and yes.
Gus: You found the ghost?
Shawn: There’s no such thing as ghosts.
Gus: Yes, there is, Shawn.
Shawn: No, there isn’t, but there is such a thing as a pissed off ex-girlfriend.
Gus: What ex-girlfriend? No one mentioned anything about an ex?
Shawn: You didn’t look at the photo album?
Shawn picks up the photo album, and hands it to Gus.
Shawn: Redhead. She’s cute.
Gus: What makes you think she’s an ex?
Shawn: Oh, come on, there’s dirty dishes everywhere. His bedroom is a mess. His nails are filthy, his hair is horrible. No girlfriend is gonna put up with that, and Exhibit A.
Gus looks at the picture of Robert Dunn, and his ex-girlfriend.
Shawn: Who else would “X” through his face in all these pictures?
Gus: Okay. Okay, say she’s the ex, we still don’t know if she’s actually been here.
Shawn: There are strands of red hair all over the studio.
Gus takes a quick look around.
Gus: Should we tell Robert?
Shawn: How psychic would that be? No, we’ll spend the night. It’s fine. Catch up with the ex tomorrow. Talk to her. See what’s going on. Meanwhile, I’m going to do some sit-ups. Come hold my feet.
Shawn lies down on the floor.
Shawn: I’m going to do a thousand.
Later that night, Gus is awakened by smoke. He looks around, and finds that the house is on fire.
Gus: Shawn! Get up! Fire!
Shawn exclaims. A window bursts.
Shawn: Get Robert!
Later, when the fire is put out. Shawn and Gus talk to Robert Dunn.
Robert: I could have died. If you guys weren’t here, I…why is it doing this to me? Why is it trying to kill me?
Shawn: Okay. Okay, Robert, hey, hey, hey. Hey, Bobby, look at me. Now, who here has communicated with more dispossessed souls, you or me?
Shawn: That’s correct. Now, I am telling you that this, this fire was not an attempt on your life.
Robert: It wasn’t?
Shawn: No. This was a sad and desperate cry for help from a very frightened, very lonely apparition.
Robert: Are you sure about this?
Shawn: Absolutely. Of course it’s also possible that someone simply left a candle burning.
Robert: I don’t burn candles.
Gus walks into the room.
Shawn: Gus, did you burn a candle?
Gus: Why would I do that?
Shawn: Cry for help it is.
Gus whispers to Shawn.
Gus: No one came in while we’re sleeping. I checked the doors and windows. They were all locked from the inside.
Shawn notices that there’s a kiss mark on Gus’ forehead.
Gus: Why are you looking at me like that?
Shawn: That’s all you did? Checked the doors and the windows?
Gus: Yeah, why?
Shawn picks up a napkin and presses it on Gus’ forehead. The kiss mark is transferred on the napkin. Shawn shows Gus the napkin.
Gus: Where did that come from?
Shawn: Don’t look at me. I’m not wearing lipstick.
Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara exit a market.
Jules: This is the only post box listed for Regina Kane.
Lassiter: According to Dr. Blinn’s calendar, she was his last appointment. She might have seen something. I want to find her.
Jules: Well, if this is where she picks up her mail, she probably lives close by.
Lassiter: Canvas the neighborhood. See if anyone knows her.
Jules: That’s a really smart approach.
Lassiter: What? That shocks you?
Jules: I meant that as a compliment.
Lassiter: Thanks a lot.
Jules: Was that sarcastic?
Jules: Oh. Okay. You’re welcome.
The next day, Gus and Shawn are driving.
Gus: You still think it’s the ex-girlfriend?
Shawn: A woman scorned is a woman with motive. We need to talk to this woman.
Gus: You’re on your own. I’m tied up with work for the rest of the week.
Shawn: Gus, that’s so lame. Ooh! Pull over.
Gus pulls over their car by Detective O’Hara and Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: Good morning, detectives. Collecting donations for the Policeman’s Ball?
Lassiter: We don’t have balls.
Shawn: I honestly have no response to that.
Lassiter: Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?
Shawn: Uh, the case gets solved? Wait a minute. You guys are working on that murder thingy, right? I completely forgot bout that. How’s that going?
Shawn notices the file folder that Detective O’Hara is carrying, and reads the name “Kane, Regina”.
Shawn: Silly question. We’ll let you guys get back to your investigating. Bye, Juliet.
Shawn and Gus drive off. Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: Okay, where to next?
Gus: Listen, we change our clothes, we get some lunch, then I have to get back to work.
Shawn: Gus, the plot is thickening.
Gus: Shawn, I’ve already missed two days this week.
Shawn: Oh, fine, fine, fine. I respect your wishes.
Gus: Thank you.
Shawn: Jerk chicken.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Later, Shawn is now driving the car. Gus wakes up.
Gus: Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Shawn: There he is.
Gus: What time is it?
Gus: What happened?
Shawn: I might have dropped six allergy pills in your frosty while you were peeing.
Gus: You did what?! Where are we?
Shawn: Palo Alto.
Gus: San Francisco?
Shawn: No, but close. Robert’s ex-girlfriend lives up here, Gus, and we really need to talk to her.
Gus: I will kill you, Shawn. And then you’re going to buy me some new tires.
Shawn: Oh, come on. This is fun. Road trip.
Gus: Kidnapping. That’s exactly what this is. That’s it. We’re not talking.
Gus gives Shawn the silent treatment.
Shawn: What? Seriously?
Later, Shawn and Gus arrive at Palo Alto.
Shawn: So, we’re really not talking now? Come on. How mature is this? The silent treatment is not how conflict gets resolved, Gus. We need to work through this. We need to share our feelings, maybe a smoothie.
Later, Shawn and Gus are ate the doorstep of Robert Dunn’s ex-girlfriend. The woman opens the door.
Shawn: Never mind. It’s not her.
Shawn walks away.
Gus: Pardon me.
Shawn walks to his car when his cell phone starts vibrating. Shawn pulls out his cell phone and reads the message.
Shawn: What do I mean, “It’s not her?”
Shawn pulls out the napkin with the kiss mark.
Shawn: Lips. The lips don’t match. The lips that kissed your forehead do not belong to Amy Kessler. Therefore, she’s not our ghost.
Gus starts typing on his cell phone.
Shawn: “You didn’t drive all the way out here so you could say, “It’s not her” and leave. “We’re talking to hep.”
Annoyed Gus types on his cell phone again.
At the Santa Barbara police station, Detective Lassiter is at his desk reading the note that came with his package.
Lassiter: “Carlton, Separation means APART!!”
Detective O’Hara arrives.
Jules: What you got there?
Detective Lassiter quickly puts away the note, and the package.
Jules: Are you okay?
Lassiter: Of course I’m okay.
Jules: You look sad.
Lassiter: I am sad.
Jules: Why are you sad?
Lassiter: I‘m sad because I don’t have my forensics report on my dead doctor, or a lead on my possible witness, Regina Kane.
Jules: What about that psychic guy? Isn’t Shawn great at this sort of thing? Finding people. I mean, maybe we should bring him in…
Lassiter: Maybe you should just keep your ideas to yourself!
Jules: That’s a joke, right?
Lassiter: Yes. Yes, it is.
Shawn and Gus are at Robert Dunn’s ex-girlfriend’s house. Shawn points at the painting on the wall.
Shawn: Very nice. Exquisite brush strokes.
Ex-Girlfriend: It’s a print.
Shawn: I’m referring of course to the original.
Ex-Girlfriend: I’m sorry, what’s the name of your gallery again?
Shawn: That’s been a bit of a problem, actually. We wanted to all it Le Petit Louvre, but apparently the art snobs in France think they have a monopoly on all things Louvre. We also tried Louvre Two, Louve Junior, Night Gallery, nothing cleared. The import thing is we want to show the amazing work of Robert Dunn, and he listed you as a character reference. Oh, we are very select with the clients that we take on, isn’t that right, Francois?
Ex-Girlfriend: I have to admit, I’m surprised Robert would list me as a character reference. We dated for a period and it didn’t end well.
Shawn: Can I ask why? Not to pry, but he did list you as a reference.
Ex-Girlfriend: The usual, forgetting dates, standing me up, sometimes he’d get so wrapped up on his work he’d disappear for days at a time. The worst was when he cheated on me and lied about it.
Shawn: Oh, you must have been burning with furious anger.
Ex-Girlfriend: He was just stupid. A girlfriend of mine saw him at a club with another woman. He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was, get this, Martin Brody.
Shawn: Martin Brody? Roy Scheider’s character from Jaws?
Ex-Girlfriend: Yes! How did you know?
Shawn: I’ve seen Jaws.
Ex-Girlfriend: It’s his favorite movie. Anyway, when I asked him about it, he pretended he’d never even heard of the club.
Gus speaks with a French accent.
Gus: That’s, uh, horrible. You must have wanted to kill him.
Shawn: Uh, probably not so much anymore. You’re pretty happily engaged, aren’t you?
Ex-Girlfriend: Yes! Isn’t the ring great?
Shawn and Gus drive back to Santa Barbara. They sit inside their parked car, and start talking to each other again.
Shawn: Okay, so, she’s not our ghost. Even the longest journeys can start with a tiny misstep. Overall, still a very good day.
Gus: How is it a good day?
Shawn: Oh, come on, Gus. First of all, road trip. Always fun. We got some fresh-baked sourdough, very nice. And the agency is sending us a new secretary tomorrow, and yes, she speaks English fluently.
Gus: Shawn, we talked about this. We can’t afford a receptionist.
Shawn: I don’t think we can afford not to have one.
A speeding car heads their way.
Shawn: I think maybe we should move.
Gus hurriedly turns on the engine at the sight of the incoming car.
Shawn: Come on, Gus! Get it in gear! Go! Go! Go!
Gus reverses and avoids getting hit. The other car hits a tree. The driver runs away.
Shawn: Hey! Hey!
Shawn and Gus try to run after him, but it’s too late.
Shawn: Guy’s like a Whippet.
Gus: Tell me about it.
Gus peeks through the driver’s seat.
Shawn: What’s the supersmeller say?
Gus: Somebody had too much to drink.
Shawn notices a chewed on toothpick on the floor of the car. Shawn laughs in excitement.
Gus: What are you so happy for? We almost got killed.
Shawn: This was not an accident. Whoever that is was waiting for us and we have a new suspect for Robert’s ghost.
The next day, Shawn and Gus are at Robert Dunn’s front door. Shawn rings his doorbell several times.
Gus: He didn’t answer his phone. Maybe he’s not home.
Shawn peeks through the letterbox slot, and notices that one of his paintings is turned upside down.
Shawn: Or maybe whoever tried to kill us last night also paid Robert a visit, and left the door unlocked.
Shawn opens the door.
Shawn: Anybody home?!
Gus: Shawn, you might want to see this.
Shawn goes over to the room where Gus is. He reads the not painted on the mirror.
Shawn: “Save me. I’m trapped.” Hmm.
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: I don’t want to jump to conclusions here, but this may very well be a cry for help.
Gus: Maybe someone died here or was buried alive. This could be the cry of a tortured soul.
Shawn: So, this guy just happens to move into two haunted houses in a row?
Shawn touches the writing on the mirror.
Gus: Don’t touch that! It’s blood.
Shawn smells the liquid.
Shawn: It’s not blood.
Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.
Shawn: And this tortured soul might be less tortured with a latex enamel.
Shawn notices the paint drops on the carpet.
Shawn: He wouldn’t get these messy drips.
Shawn follows the drops with Gus right behind him. They find that it terminates at the side of the house where there’s a ladder going up the attic. The two climb the ladder.
Gus: I got it. I got it. I got it.
Gus pushes the floor cover.
Gus enters the attic.
Gus: You gotta see this.
Shawn makes his way up the attic.
Shawn: Huh. Not what I was expecting.
Gus: Okay, I know what I’m looking at, but what does it mean?
Shawn surveys the room and notices a pair of high-heels, a woman’s wig, and a dresser filled with jewelry, and cosmetics.
Gus: Is it a ghost?
Shawn: No, buddy, it’s not a ghost.
Gus: Is there a woman living up here?
Shawn: Well, that would certainly explain the perfume Robert’s been smelling, and all the red hair laying everywhere but no, no dice.
Gus: Then what is it?
Shawn: Oh, come on, Gus. Look.
Shawn plays with the wig.
Shawn: Robert is a woman.
Gus: No, he’s not.
Shawn: Not all the time, but sometimes.
Gus: No. Doesn’t seem like the type.
Shawn: He’s not the type.
Gus: Then how?
Shawn: Unless he has that personality thing.
Gus: What personality thing?
Shawn: Oh, you know what I’m talking about. The multiple personality disease. You know, that what’s her name had, uh, The Flying Nun in the other thing, the TV movie.
Gus: Smokey and the Bandit?
Shawn: Yeah, dude, Smokey and the Bandit. Yes. What does that have to do with multiple personalities?
Gus: You asked.
Shawn: I asked a real question. You were supposed to give me a real answer, not a random guess.
Gus: Okay, fine. Hooper.
Shawn: Hooper was a stuntman.
Shawn: I don’t think Sally Field is even in Hooper. Who are you thinking of?
Gus: You know, uh…
Shawn: Terry Bradshaw.
Gus: Yes. Is it Norma Rae?
Shawn: No. That would’ve made that movie a lot cooler.
Gus: The thing you asked about Shawn is referred to as dissociative identity disorder.
Shawn: That’s it! That’s what Robert has, Gus. It all makes sense.
Gus: Do you know how rare that is?
Shawn: I’m not saying all of Santa Barbara has it, just Robert. One guy. I think that qualifies as pretty rare.
Gus: I don’t know, Shawn.
Shawn takes one of the women’s boots.
Shawn: These are huge. Look. Think about it. There’s two separate, but distinct personalities, one body. One’s a man. The other’s a woman. The female personality cooks dinner. Robert thinks the meals are the work of a ghost. The female rearranges the furniture. Robert thinks the ghost is moving things when he’s not around.
Gus: His old girlfriend did say that he would disappear for stretches at a time, which would explain when the female personality was in control, Robert would disappear.
Shawn: And he would have no clue to any of it. Now, all we need to figure out is how to bring out the woman so that we can talk to her.
Gus: Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Gus looks at the dresser.
Shawn: We shoot him. Then what?
Gus: No, no, sights, sounds, smells.
Gus sprays on woman’s perfume.
Gus: Something that would trigger the personality to come out.
Shawn: Triggers it is. Gus, this is going to be kind of cool.
Gus: Or weird.
Later, Gus and Shawn bring Robert Dunn in the attic.
Robert: Where did all this stuff come from? Is this where she lives? The, the angry female spirit that you sensed?
Shawn Spencer pretends to have a psychic vision.
Shawn: Oh, yes. I feel her very strongly here, Robert. Do you? Do you feel…pretty?
Shawn: Do you feel pretty?
Gus: He means do you feel a…female presence?
Robert: Uh, no, but I’m not psychic. Do you think that you can, uh…
Shawn sprays female perfume on Robert, but he just coughs.
Robert: Communicate with her?
Shawn: I’m trying. I am. Uh…sorry.
Robert: Okay. You guys are starting to creep me out. So, if I’m not needed, I think I’ll go back downstairs.
Shawn: Okay. Let me just put this away. We’ll all go down together.
Shawn puts the perfume back on the table, and notices a planner with the name Drake and Blinn struck out. Shawn recalls the name on Detective O’Hara’s file folder.
Gus: You coming, Shawn?
Shawn: Yes. Oh, wow, Robert, these are some terrific clothes. I bet they look absolutely beautiful on you, Regina.
Robert: Regina? Who…who are you talking to?
Gus is surprised. He looks at Shawn, and points questioningly at Robert.
Shawn: Yes. Yes, Gus…why don’t you tell Regina how much you like her nice clothes.
Shawn puts on a pink woman’s dress on Robert.
Gus: Wow. Yeah, Regina.
Gus: You look beautiful.
Robert Dunn is silent.
Shawn: Regina? Regina?
Regina: Thank you, Gus. I can’t tell you how glad I am that you got my message. So…
Regina caresses Gus’ shoulder.
Regina: Do you think that you can help me? Please.
Regina looks at her dress.
Regina: This isn’t right.
Regina removes the pink dress, and puts on a red robe.
Regina: I must look horrible.
Gus: No, not at all.
Regina: You are too kind, but then again, I already knew that the way you comforted Robert. You are so sweet. Unlike most men, afraid to show their emotions.
Shawn: Well, I, uh, I’ve been hurt a lot.
Regina: Now if you two don’t mind, I really must put on my face.
Regina puts on her wig.
Shawn: Wow. So, Regina, this message on the wall, this was your way of trying to get Robert’s attention?
Regina: Well, he doesn’t even know I’m alive.
Gus: Why not write him a letter? Or an e-mail? Even a post-it even?
Regina: I tried. I really did try.
Shawn: But every time, something or someone stopped you.
Gus: What are you talking about?
Shawn: I think there’s another personality.
Shawn turns to Regina.
Shawn: Regina! There’s another personality isn’t there? I mean, you don’t smash pictures or start fires. You would never strangle Robert.
Regina: No, I wouldn’t.
Shawn: Regina, the police would like to speak with you. They’re investigating Dr. Blinn’s murder. They think you might have seen something. You could be in danger.
Regina: I didn’t see anything. I didn’t even go to my appointment. Why would anyone want to hurt Dr. Blinn. He was such a nice man and he was doing so much to help me.
Shawn: With what?
Regina: Well, you ought to know better than to ask that. That’s between a woman and her doctor.
Shawn turns to Gus, and whispers.
Shawn: Unless you’re going to ask her out, I think we’re done here. How do we get Robert back?
Gus: I have no idea.
Shawn: Well, you’re her very special friend.
Gus speaks kindly to Regina.
Gus: Regina. We would like to speak with Robert. Can you let Robert come out and play?
Regina: For you, of course I can.
Gus: Thank you.
Regina: And I do hope that we meet again.
Shawn whispers to Gus.
Shawn: Try Bob.
Robert Dunn looks at himself. He turns to the mirror, and screams.
Shawn: Easy, easy, easy, easy.
Robert Dunn quickly removes the wig, and the robe.
Shawn: We know it seems weird and, and, and…actually it is.
Shawn: It’s really weird, but we have good news. We figured out who your ghost is.
Gus feigns a laugh.
Shawn: You’re haunting yourself.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are now at the Santa Barbara Police Station.
Shawn: Yep! Life is good. Life is great. I mean, Robert gets the help he so desperately needs, we get to marinate in the delicious satisfaction of another job well done.
Gus: And leading Lassiter to Regina, even though she saw nothing.
Shawn: That’s professional courtesy. Plus it helps raise our stock, Gus.
Shawn: Ooh! Crime scene photos. Love crime scene photos.
Shawn and Gus look at the crime scene photos posted on the board.
Jules: May I help you?
Shawn: Detective O’Hara. What a truly pleasant surprise.
Shawn: Uh, I just dropped by to tell Detective Lassiter that I have…
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: We have information regarding the whereabouts of a one, Regina Kane.
Jules: How did you know about it?
Shawn and Gus just smile at Detective O’Hara.
Jules: Never mind. Stay right here. Don’t move. I’ll go find him.
Detective O’Hara leaves the two. Shawn notices something to his right.
Gus: Shawn. Shawn, don’t do this.
Detective Lassiter is at the target practice firing range. He inspects one of the figurines he bought, while humming the Blue Danube. He arranges each of the figurines he bought in a line. He puts on his earplugs, goggles, and pulls out his gun. Meanwhile, Shawn Spencer is at Detective Lassiter’s desk looking at more crime scene photos.
Shawn: Look Gus. Look at this. Look! Look! Look!
Shawn: Here, on the floor where poor Dr. Blinn’s body was laying. A toothpick.
Shawn recalls seeing a toothpick at the crime scene.
Shawn: A chewed toothpick.
Shawn also remembers seeing a chewed on toothpick on the floor of the car that tried to run them over.
Gus: Yeah? So?
Shawn: Don’t you remember? The car that tried to run us. On the seat? Chewed toothpick. Oh! Oh! That means the person that killed Dr. Blinn is the same person that tried to kill us.
Gus: It’s a chewed toothpick, Shawn. Lots of people chew toothpicks.
Shawn: Yes, but…we were working for Robert. Robert is also Regina. Regina is a patient of…
Gus: Dr. Blinn.
Shawn: Yes! Take the baton!
Gus: So, whoever the killer is knew both Robert and Regina.
Shawn recalls what Robert Dunn’s ex-girlfriend said, “He said his name was, get this, Martin Brody. How dumb is that?”
Shawn: Oh! Martin Brody. Of course! That’s Robert’s other personality. The violent one.
Gus: But why would he kill Dr. Blinn?
Shawn: Depends entirely on what Regina was seeing him for.
Shawn spots the patient files on the desk.
Shawn: Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.
Shawn: Dr. Blinn’s patient files.
Shawn walks over to the files.
Shawn: All we have to do is find Regina’s.
Detective Lassiter is still at the firing range. He shoots the figurines one by one. Detective O’Hara arrives with her hands over her ears.
Jules: What are you doing?
Jules: What are you doing?!
Detective Lassiter removes his earplugs.
Lassiter: Shooting. It relaxes me.
Jules: Shawn Spencer says he has information for you.
Lassiter: Where is he?
Jules: At your desk.
Lassiter: Is anyone watching him?
Shawn Spencer pulls out Regina Kane’s file.
Shawn: Found it!
Shawn starts reading the file.
Shawn: Oh no.
Shawn: Gender reassignment? Oh, Regina started feeling like a woman trapped in a man’s body, so she wants to have her parts…
Gus: Oh, my…Wait a second. That means if Regina was successful, both Robert and the Martin personality would also lose their parts.
Shawn: Martin can’t do anything to hurt Regina, because he would only be hurting himself.
Flashback: Martin Brody dressed as Regina Kane grabs the marble pyramid paperweight.
Shawn: So, dressed as Regina, he goes after Dr. Blinn.
Flashback: Martin Brody taps on Dr. Blinn who has his back turned, and prepares to smash the paperweight on his head. Dr. Blinn, in defense, strangles Martin Brody.
Gus: That would explain how Robert got the marks on his neck.
Flashback: Martin Brody still manages to smash the paperweight on Dr. Blinn’s head.
Gus: And with Dr. Blinn dead, Robert figured that Regina would change her mind about the gender reassignment.
Gus: We got that, Shawn!
Shawn: Only she hasn’t.
Shawn recalls seeing an appointment with a Dr. Drake on Regina Kane’s planner.
Shawn: Gus, no, no, she found another doctor. She’s seeing him today.
Shawn: Right now.
Gus: Right now, Shawn?
Shawn: Like, in ten minutes.
Gus: Oh, okay.
Detective Lassiter marches down to his desk with Detective O’Hara right behind him.
Shawn Spencer pretends to be possessed, and has started crying.
Lassiter: There had better be a really good explanation for this.
Gus: He was in some sort of trance. I couldn’t control him.
Burton Guster takes the file folder from Shawn.
Gus: He says this is the killer.
Shawn speaks in a woman’s voice.
Shawn: The killer, he’s going to kill again.
Detective Lassiter looks at the file folder.
Lassiter: This is ridiculous.
Jules: Who?! Who is it going to kill?
Gus: What is it, Shawn?
Shawn exclaims, and raises his hand with a marker in it. He struggles to make his way to the glass door. Shawn writes “Dr. Drake” on the glass door.
Gus: Dr. Drake?
Regina Kane is already at Dr. Drake’s office.
Dr. Drake: Gender reassignment? That’s a big step, Regina. Why don’t you tell me why it’s important to you?
The doctor’s phone starts ringing.
Dr. Drake: It’s okay. The machine can get that. This is your time.
Regina: Thank you, Dr. Drake.
Regina Kane chews on a toothpick.
At the police stations, Detective O’Hara is on the phone.
Jules: No answer, just the machine.
Detective O’Hara hangs up the phone.
Shawn: We have to go now. It could already be too alte.
Detective Lassiter grabs his jacket, and runs to the door.
Lassiter: Let’s go!
Both Gus and Shawn are shocked.
At Dr. Drake’s office, Dr. Drake is still with Martin Brody dressed as Regina Kane.
Dr. Drake: I know this can be a difficult process, but it really is necessary to ensure that you’re ready psychologically for a change like this. You do seem like an excellent candidate for surgery.
Dr. Drake looks at her watch.
Dr. Drake: Our time is up. Why don’t we pick up here again next week? Okay, Regina?
Dr. Drake turns her back.
Martin Brody stands up.
Martin: Only…my name is not Regina.
Martin Brody picks up a statuette, and prepares to hit Dr. Drake with it.
Detective Lassiter barges in.
Lassiter: Hold it!
Detective Lassiter tackles Martin Brody before he even hits Dr. Drake. Detective O’Hara with her gun ready points at Martin Brody.
Lassiter: Get up!
Burton Guster followed by Shawn Spencer enter the room. Detective Lassiter cuffs Martin Brody.
Regina: What’s going on?
Shawn: Robert? Bob? You back there, buddy?
Robert: What am I doing here?
Burton Guster is at their office on the phone.
Gus: Great. Thanks.
Gus hangs up the phone, and turns to Shawn.
Gus: Good news. They’re going to admit Robert into the HT Windsor Facility in Chicago, and his doctor thinks his prognosis is good. Don’t you understand, Shawn? That’s the premier mental health hospital in the country.
Shawn: Yeah, that’s good. That’s awesome. Who is that?
Shawn Spencer points at the handsome, buffed man at the front desk.
Shawn: Oh no. No, no, no. Leslie’s supposed to be a swimsuit model.
Gus hands Shawn a file.
Gus: Unfortunately, he is. Although, he says he’s getting completely sick of the grind.
Shawn: I have to call the agency. They’re completely misrepresenting their clientele.
Gus: Leslie’s a guy’s name too.
Shawn starts whispering.
Shawn: We have to fire him.
Gus: Fire him? On what grounds?
Shawn: What grounds? On the grounds that he’s a dude.
Gus: That’s discrimination. We can’t do that.
Shawn: Okay. Listen to me. No woman is going to look at us twice if we’re sharing our office with that ridiculous Adonis. He’s better looking than both of us put together.
Gus: Yeah….I’m not doing that.
Shawn: Gus, you know I can’t fire people. They look too sad.
Gus: This was your idea. Figure it out.
Moments later, Shawn Spencer has his cell phone out. Seconds later, Leslie’s cell phone starts vibrating. Shawn and Gus sneak out of their office. Leslie reads the text message that says “YOU’RE FIRED!”
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Who Ya Gonna Call?” episode was written by Kerry Lenhart & John J. Sakmar. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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