1986, Henry Spencer is at the park playing Boy Scout with young Shawn and Gus.
Henry: “For every action, there is an opposite and equal reaction.” Who?
Gus: Isaac Newton, third law of motion.
Henry: And how does that apply to the nature of man? Anyone? Shawn.
Shawn: You push. They push back.
Henry: Correct. Why?
Shawn: Because man is a stupid creature who’d rather fight than use his brain.
Henry: And what idiot said that?
Young Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster turn to each other then to Henry.
Young Shawn and Gus: You did.
Henry: The name of the game is survival, sports fans. In order to survive, you’ve got to fight. And if you fight, you better damn well win, because if you don’t win, and you don’t use your brain, then what happens? Gus?
Gus: You lose?
Henry: And for this troop, that is not an option. Comprende?
Young Shawn and Gus: Sir, yes, sir!
Henry: Because losing is for lowlifes. Losing is for quitters.
Henry approaches the boys such that his face is only inches away from them.
Henry: Are you boys lowlifes? Are you boys quitters?
Young Shawn and Gus: Sir, no, sir!
Henry: Troop 101, ten-hut!
The boys jump off the picnic table, and stand attention.
Henry: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the Junior Bobcat Manual’s infamous Exercise Number 32, the launching of a solid fuel rocket. Now, one of you lucky grunts is gonna nab this thing, and you’re gonna haul ass back to me. The prize? A hot fudge sundae, but if you lose? What does the loser get, Shawn?
Shawn: He gets to look on with envy.
Henry: That is correct. He gets to look on with envy, because that, gentlemen, is the American way. On your marks.
Young Shawn and Gus move away from the rocket that Henry set up. Henry pulls out a pocket watch.
Henry: Ready. Set.
Henry pushes the button.
Young Shawn and Gus race to retrieve the rocket. Later, young Gus outruns Shawn. Young Gus hands Henry the rocket’s parachute.
Henry: What’s this?
Gus: A parachute.
Henry: I sent you after a rocket. Shawn? Where’s my rocket?
Young Shawn looks at Gus.
Shawn: I thought he had it.
Henry pulls out the rocket. Young Shawn observes the surroundings, and his dad’s dirty boots and pants.
Shawn: A shortcut! You took a shortcut!
Henry: A shortcut, huh?
Henry turns to his son.
Henry: Prove it. I’ll tell you what. I beat you this time. I’m eating the sundae.
Henry sets the rocket, and pushes the button.
Present day, Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster walk in the woods.
Shawn: Ooh, just in time.
Gus: For what?
Shawn: The annual Civil War reenactors meltdown.
Gus: The event isn’t until next weekend.
Shawn: Yeah, but this is the best part, the rehearsal. This is what they should charge for.
Carlton Lassiter wearing a fake mustache, beard, and a General’s costume turn to his troops.
Lassiter: Form battle lines! Prepare muskets!
Shawn and Gus watch the rehearsal.
Gus: Is that Lassiter?
Shawn: Yes, it is.
Gus: What died in his face?
Carlton Lassiter pulls out his sword.
The troops charge, and fire the cannons. Men start yelling and reenact the Civil War battle scene as Shawn and Gus sit and watch. Carlton Lassiter on his horse approach the men.
Lassiter: Stop, stop, stop! Stop!
Carlton Lassiter blows his horn.
Lassiter: Okay, guys, that was better. Really. It—it was good, actually. Okay, it wasn’t good.
Carlton Lassiter dismounts from his horse.
Lassiter: Look, guys, I know I promised last week that I wasn’t going to give any more notes. But, guys, come on, that last charge, it was…how do I say this? It was a soul-sucking embarrassment that made me ashamed to wear the uniform.
The men scoff.
Lassiter: Luke Bauer? Where’s Luke?
A short man with a prop bayonet lodged on his right eye comes to view.
Luke: Colonel Lassiter, sir!
Lassiter: Luke, what did I say about the bayonet gag, huh? Too much. There’s gonna be kids watching this, all right? We don’t want the people in the grandstands to vomit. Okay, I know we haven’t reenacted this one for a while, but the battle at Piper’s Cove, Kentucky, 1864, is special to me. It ended Confederate Quantrill’s plot to assassinate Lincoln, and it involved my great-great-grandfather, Colonel Muscum T. Lassiter.
Gus who is eating a hotdog turns to Shawn.
Shawn: What the hell is a muscum?
Gus: It was a very common name of the era.
Shawn looks at Shawn with repulsion.
Shawn: ESPN, Gus, Channel 206. I’m begging you.
Detective O’Hara walk towards Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster.
Shawn: Hey, Jules! Wanna join?
Jules: Oh, can I?
Shawn: I don’t know. Do you have your own hoopskirt?
Jules: I rent one.
Carlton Lassiter still has not finished briefing his troops.
Lassiter: Sally Reynolds, front and center.
The woman dressed as a medic walks towards Carlton Lassiter.
Lassiter: You missed your cue, Sally. The cannon fired, yet no Sally.
Sally: I got stuck in the hospital tent. Sergeant Menish had a quick question about his homeowner’s policy.
Lassiter: How touching. However, today you are not here to sell insurance, Sally. Today you are here to help me win the Civil War, and according to our battle plan when the fifth cannon fires you exit the hospital tent, and you shoot Captain Quantrill off his horse.
Sally: There’s no need to get nasty.
Shawn Spencer speaks from where he is sitting.
Shawn: I agree. It was totally out of line.
Carlton Lassiter and Sally Reynolds turn to Shawn Spencer.
Shawn: Sorry, I didn’t think you could hear that!
Carlton Lassiter turns to Sally Reynolds.
Lassiter: Sally, sweet Sally.
Carlton Lassiter walks with Sally Reynolds, and the troops watch as they pass the bridge.
Lassiter: If you do not point your gun at Captain Quantrill, and fire at the prescribed moment, the audience will not be able to make heads nor tails of what we are doing, and it will appear as if the evil Captain Quantrill.
Carlton Lassiter hops off the bridge to approach the actor playing Captain Quantrill who is lying on the ground.
Lassiter: Now being portrayed by our horrifyingly method-acting Nelson Poe who happened to roll way off his mark, by the way, fell off his horse and is lying here for no apparent reason at all.
Carlton Lassiter turns to Nelson Poe who is still on the ground.
Lassiter: Get up, Nelson. Nelson, I swear to God, if you’re sleeping through rehearsal again.
Carlton Lassiter walks over to Nelson Poe.
Lassiter: I said get up!
Carlton Lassiter kneels down to check the man’s pulse. The other actors watch with much curiosity. Detective O’Hara rushes towards Carlton Lassiter, while Shawn and Gus stand to see what’s happening.
Shawn: Okay, either that guy is a phenomenal actor or he’s dead.
Detective Lassiter still dressed in his costume arrives at the Santa Barbara Police Station followed by Shawn Spencer.
Shawn: Oh, come on. Let me in on this.
Shawn: I was there. Inexplicably drawn to the scene. I was meant to solve this case. It’s sort of like a miracle.
Lassiter: You have been out there every weekend we’ve rehearsed, and don’t think I didn’t see you trying to throw M&Ms in the injured soldiers’ mouths.
Shawn: Okay, first of all, those were Skittles, and they have a rainbow of flavors.
Lassiter: The answer is still now. Beat it.
A police officer exits the evidence room, and Shawn Spencer quickly notices the bullet hole on Nelson Poe’s costume. Detective Lassiter walks passed Shawn when he suddenly starts pretending to have a psychic vision.
Shawn: Oh! Hold it! I’m suddenly seeing Nelson.
Shawn Spencer holds his chest.
Shawn: The bullet, traveling through the air, tearing, ripping, pain. The bullet went straight through his heart. This was not an accident, Detective!
Lassiter: I don’t know how you know that, and I don’t give a rat’s ass. This case is personal. One of my soldiers was killed on my watch. And I, not you, am going to clean it up. We clear?
Shawn: I wouldn’t have gone with something as traditional as “we clear”? You could’ve gone foreign, right? Comprende? Capisc? Could have had a little fun with it. You dig my gist, sweatpants?
Detective Lassiter turns his back, shakes his head, and just walks away.
Shawn: These are just suggestions.
Detective Lassiter enters the room where the Chief speaks to the actors that were in the rehearsal. Shawn Spencer follows him inside.
Chief: And to you, the Central Reenactment Committee, I say as of today, the event next weekend is still on, pending an investigation. Now, most of you are cops. Should we find any evidence that this was not an accident, and do not make an arrest, we will re-evaluate at that time.
Shawn Spencer walks over to Sally Reynolds.
Chief: Now that said, Detective Lassiter I want to know how, I want to now who, I want to know why.
Detective Lassiter turns to Chief Vick who groans at the sight of his fake mustache, and beard.
Lassiter: Oh, it…it’s kind of hard to get off. It takes a long time to unstuck the glue.
Chief Vick just looks at thim.
Lassiter: All right.
Detective Lassiter turns around, and slowly rips the mustache and beard off his chin.
Man: Oh, yeah.
Detective Lassiter turns around, and clears his throat. Chief Vick looks pleased. Detective Lassiter hands over the fake mustache and beard.
Lassiter: Thank you, Chief. Pending the coroner’s report I’d have to say there are no indications of foul play.
Shawn Spencer eyes flirtingly Sally Reynolds.
Lassiter: The general consensus is that a live round got mixed with our blanks. Mr. Mahoney is the regiment’s munitions expert and jeweler, one of Santa Barbara’s finest. He can expand on this. Mr. Mahoney.
Mr. Mahoney an old man with white hair, and beard stands up.
Mahoney: As you know, Detective, we have live-round target practice this past weekend. Along with you, we assumed a musket ball got stuck in one of our rifles laid there unseen, and then a blank was inserted during the last rehearsal.
Shawn Spencer continues to stare at Sally Reynolds. Detective O’Hara enters the room.
Mahoney: Poor Nelson. A terrible, terrible, tragic accident.
Shawn could not stop staring at Sally. Sally turns to him, and he quickly turns his head away from her.
Lassiter: The battles meant so much to him.
Mr. Mahoney nods and takes his seat.
Lassiter: Anyway, this is an official police investigation. So, let’s focus on our schematic and nail down the specifics. Detective O’Hara please.
Shawn turns to Sally.
Shawn: Hey! What’s the deal, why do you keep staring at me?
Sally just smiles.
Jules: One. It’s our understanding that the victim was shot off his horse at the top of the creek bank here…
Detective O’Hara points at the diorama.
Jules: And then rolled to the creek bed here.
Lassiter: Two. We know Nelson was facing west, so we’re gonna focus our attentions here on the opposite bank where we assume the shot originated.
Shawn Spencer walks towards the front.
Shawn: What about three, the missing bullet? I saw it ripping through Nelson’s body, in through the front, out through the back. And it still hasn’t been found.
Chief: Wait. How do you know all that?
Shawn: Lassy, you wanna take his one?
Lassiter: He had an “episode” in the hallway.
Shawn Spencer picks Confederate Quantrill on the diorama.
Lassiter: Look, I can handle this myself.
Shawn puts the plastic man by his ear, and pretends to listen to it.
Shawn: Nelson, Nelson, you’re going to have to speak up. You’re teeny! You were shot through the heart?
Chief: Now, that was privileged information!
Lassiter: I didn’t say anything.
Shawn Spencer shushes.
Shawn: Are you sure about this? It’s bold, but I’ll run with it. He says people don’t get shot though the heart by accident. He says he was murdered.
Chief: You’re hired.
Later, Shawn Spencer updates Burton Guster of what transpired at the police station as they walk to the crime scene.
Gus: You told them what?
Shawn: Gus, she was hot, and she was dressed as a nurse. You know how I feel about that. Oh, come on, what was I supposed to do, not impress her? Plus, the tiny figurine made a very convincing argument.
Gus: I don’t know how you’re gonna prove murder with two lousy bullet holes.
Shawn: Oh, relax, I did some checking on Nelson Poe, nobody liked him. Ever, and second of all…
Shawn: Dude, I don’t have a second of all.
Detective Lassiter briefs the police officers.
Lassiter: And we know Nelson was on top of the ridge, facing the Union soldiers over here when he was shot. So Schwartz, take Team A, check out that high grass. O’Hara, take Team B, start going over the ridge.
Shawn and Gus sit on the bridge right behind Detective Lassiter, and reads the list of actors on the detective’s clipboard.
Lassiter: Do it!
The police officers salute Detective Lassiter including Detective O’Hara. Detective Lassiter returns salute.
Men: Yes, sir.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster start laughing. Detective Lassiter turns to them.
Lassiter: Find something amusing?
Shawn: Mildly amusing. More odd. Delightful in a queer sort of way.
Detective Lassiter walks up to the bridge.
Lassiter: For your edification, the reenactment of the battles…
Lassiter: Yeah, edification.
Shawn: Is that legal? Like, in public. Public edification’s legal?
Lassiter: It means for your information.
Shawn: Why didn’t you just say that?
Lassiter: For your edification, the reenactment of battles, battles fought by our forefathers to preserve this Union, is a sacred trust. What are you guys doing here, anyway?
Gus: I’m a bit of a Civil War buff.
Shawn: I’m reading the dirt. The trees. The hot dog stand. No real information there, but they do great sauerkraut. I may even be able to help you name a suspect.
Lassiter: Look, I told you, we’re 95% sure this was an accidental shooting.
Shawn: What about the other 5%?
Lassiter: If I am wrong, we will hold a press conference, you two will be cordially invited to say, “I told you so.”
Shawn: Seems fair. Hey, uh, can I wear your face wig?
Later, Shawn Spencer prepares to create his own diorama using plastic toys and a hockey table.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Shockingly, Lassiter is holding out on us. I do not think that he thinks that this was an accident.
Gus: What do you mean?
Shawn: I saw three names checked off the roster on his clipboard.
Gus: What names?
Shawn: Gus, I thought you’d never ask.
Shawn recalls the diorama used at the police station, and starts creating his own.
Gus: What is this?
Shawn: The battlefield.
Gus: Based on what?
Shawn: The briefing room board at the police station.
Gus: You did this from memory?
Gus: You said you saw it for two minutes.
Shawn: Right. Two whole minutes.
Gus: You got problems.
Shawn pulls up a hoop in front of his face.
Shawn: The musket is accurate from thirty yards.
Shawn lays the hoop on the hockey table such that the plastic toy that represents Nelson Poe and his killer are inside it.
Shawn points at the toy labeled Poe.
Shawn points at the toy labeled GC.
Shawn recalls the name of men on Detective Lassiter’s list.
Shawn: George Cheslow.
Gus: George Cheslow? From sixth grade?
Shawn: Little Georgie!
Gus: He’s like a dentist now.
Shawn and Gus sit and wait at the dentist’s office.
Receptionist: See you in six months.
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: We go in, we check it out. See if George Cheslow had any reason to murder somebody. Pop out.
Receptionist: Mr. Guster. The dentist will see you now.
Shawn stands up to leave, but Gus grabs his arm and pulls him back to his seat.
Gus: Whoa! Whoa! Me? My teeth are gorgeous. You said the appointment was for you.
Shawn: Right. For me to do some snooping, because I’m a much better snooper than you are. You just keep him occupied.
Gus: Occupied how?
Burton Guster has a mouth guard on, but would not start mumbling.
Shawn: Gus, stop it. Be a man.
Gus continues to mumbles.
George: What—what’s he saying?
Shawn: He says his teeth are gorgeous.
George: I’m sorry, Shawn, but the reason you have to be here, too, is?
Shawn: Uh, George, Gus has phobias, and being alone in a dentist chair is one. He could snap at any moment. This is actually for your own protection. Last time he bit off an index finger. Thankfully, I was there. They were able to save everything, but the nail.
A sexy woman enters the room.
Woman: Oops. Pardonne-moi. Honey, can I talk to you for a minute?
George: Oh, sure. Gentleman, duty calls.
Gus turns to Shawn. Shawn mouths “hot”, and starts snooping around. Shawn then eavesdrops on George and the woman.
Woman: Oh, and the credit card won’t go through. Do you have any cash?
George: Oh, sure, uh.
Woman: I’ve got tennis, then dinner with Karen.
Shawn notices the diamond necklace and bracelet the woman is wearing. He also observes her taking a lot of cash from George Cheslow.
George: Okay, I’ll hit an ATM, that’s…
Woman: Don’t wait up if I’m late.
George: Oh, okay.
The woman gives George Cheslow a kiss on the cheek.
George: Bye sweetie. Good shopping.
George Cheslow slaps the woman’s butt then growls.
George Cheslow returns to the room where Shawn and Gus is.
Shawn: George, I heard you got married, but wow, huh?
George: Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “What’s wrong with this picture?” But you know, where, where is it written that the ugly guy never gets the girl?
Shawn: Everywhere man.
George Cheslow stands up, and accidentally hits the light above him.
George: Ah! Ouch! No, we’re fine. We’re better, you’re fine. Don’t worry about it.
George Cheslow goes over the x-rays.
George: Let’s see, huh.
Shawn: So, how is married life treating you these days, George? Everything, uh, everything solid?
Shawn continues poking around, while George has his back turned.
George: Why are you snooping around here, Shawn?
George turns around.
George: You think I did this, because Erlene was having an affair with Poe?
George: You didn’t know?
Shawn: Of course, I knew George. I’m a psychic.
George: It was over, completely over. I’m beyond it and Erlene’s beyond it. At least, I think she is. I, uh, I had some gauze.
Shawn: It’s right…
George: If I could just, uh.
Shawn taps on George’s dentist’s eyeglass.
George: Oh, there you go. Thank you.
Shawn: George, do you wear your glasses out on the battlefield?
George: Oh, I want to, but Lassiter won’t let me. He says they’re not of the period.
George removes the mouth guard from Gus’ mouth.
Shawn: Well, if it makes you feel any better, Gus think doesn’t think you did it.
Gus: Neither does Shawn.
George: Well, thanks, guys, I appreciate that. Oops!
George: Small cavity.
Gus: I don’t have any cavity in my mouth.
George: It’s right on the surface. Don’t worry about it.
George Cheslow begins to remove the cavity on Gus’ teeth.
George: There we go. There’s my trooper.
Gus: Listen, Georgie, nobody’s drilled my mouth for anything. My teeth are perfect.
Gus starts mumbling unintelligibly. Detective Lassiter, O’Hara and the Chief arrive.
Detective Lassiter sees Shawn Spencer.
Lassiter: Why am I surprised?
Shawn: It is a funny coincidence. Hey, Jules.
Lassiter: George. I hate to say this, but you’re under arrest for the murder of Nelson Poe.
George: What? On what grounds?
Shawn: You said it was an accident.
Lassiter: We discovered a stack of love letters at Nelson’s house indicating he was having an affair with your wife, and that you had threatened to kill him.
George Cheslow scoffs.
George: Oh, come on.
Lassiter: I am so disappointed in you.
George Cheslow tries to escape, but he clumsily bumps into his tray of tools. Detective O’Hara and another policewoman cuff him.
George: All right. Okay, okay, okay.
Gus turns to Detective Lassiter, and starts talking to him unintelligibly.
Gus: You got the wrong man.
Detective Lassiter turns to Shawn.
Lassiter: What did he say?
Shawn: You’ve got the wrong man.
At the Santa Barbara Police Station, Shawn Spencer walks with Detective Lassiter and Chief Vick.
Shawn: First, I told you so. Secondly, I think George Cheslow is an innocent man.
Chief Vick enter his office followed by Detective Lassiter and Shawn.
Lassiter: Yeah, you know, he’s right. We do have a paper-thin case. I mean all we’ve got is motive, means and opportunity.
Shawn: Look, guys. I had a dream last night. I was sipping iced wine with a baby tree monkey, and I fell and landed in a wooded area. And that’s where I saw Nelson Poe get shot only in my dream the shooter was much closer than I originally thought.
Shawn pulls out a ball from his pocket.
Shawn: This is a minie ball, am I right?
Shawn throws the ball, and Detective Lassiter catches it.
Lassiter: Where did you get this?
Shawn: Your desk. Now, it’s common knowledge that minie balls cause huge gaping holes in human flesh.
Shawn: Which leads to a quandary in my dream. Why was Nelson Poe’s exit wound so small? If George Cheslow had been in that wooded area, he was way too far to make a shot that caused such a little hole. Whoever shot Nelson was much, much closer.
Lassiter: And this “whoever” would be…
Shawn: Engelbert Humperdink?
Lassiter: So you’ve got nothing. Thank you for the random speculation. Goodbye.
Chief: Mr. Spencer, if you can’t name names, I’m afraid he’s right this time.
Shawn: Fine. I’ll get you a name.
Shawn makes his way to the door, but stops to face Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: And I’m gonna get you a woman.
Shawn leaves. Detective Lassiter turns to Chief Vick.
Chief: “Afraid he’s right?” “This time?”
Henry Spencer is at Mr. Mahoney’s jewelry store speaking to Mr. Mahoney.
Henry: It’s a gift, actually, for my son. A surprise of sorts. This way he, my son, will be able to keep track of time for a change. The kid was late at birth, he’s been late ever since. Now, he is going to have a gold pocket watch just like mine. I’ve had mine for thirty years.
Mahoney: I see. Now, the inscription. What would you like it to say?
Henry: “Shawn, uh, don’t lose this watch. Henry Spencer”.
Mr. Mahoney writes what Henry just said.
Mr. Mahoney stops and looks at Henry Spencer.
Henry: What? Too much?
Mahoney: No, no. It’s just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name. It might contradict the sentiment.
Henry: All right, what would you suggest?
Mahoney: “Love, Dad”.
Henry: “Love, Dad”. Well, why don’t you just put “Kissy, kissy”?
Mahoney: Right. Too mushy. No problem. So, before we go any further, let’s see. Uh, vintage gold pocket watch. Gold chain. Taxes and engraving, comes to a total of…
Mr. Mahoney shows Henry Spencer the total on the calculator.
Henry: Whoa! Whoa! Wait, wait, wait. What about my discount? I’m an ex-cop. Half the regiment’s cop. I thought we agreed on four hundred bucks?
Mahoney: Oh, yes, we did. But at four dollars per engraved letter, that adds a total of two hundred ten dollars.
Henry: All right, take away “Shawn,” “this watch”, “Spencer”. How much does that come out to?
Mahoney: Uh, fifty-six dollars for the engraving, plus tax…four sixty even.
Henry: And what does the revised inscription read?
Mahoney: Uh…”Don’t lose, Henry”.
Henry: Clean, to the point. I like it.
Burton Guster is at his office looking at sample medicines when there is a knock on the door.
Gus: Come in.
A secretary enters his office.
Secretary: Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn’t want to be interrupted, but there is a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.
Shawn Spencer dressed as a Civil War Lieutenant complete with sideburns enters the office.
Shawn: Actually, I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.
Gus: Thank you.
The secretary leaves. Shawn closes the door.
Gus: Not in a thousand years.
Shawn: Dude, we are joining that regiment.
Gus: No, we’re not.
Shawn: They’re down to thirty guys.
Gus: Please, I have a meeting in…
Shawn: And this mystery is still wide open. Gus, think about it. Camping out under the stars. Living history. Eating beans and rotten meat with men who reek of valor.
Gus: There is just one thing you haven’t considered in this perfect scenario of yours, Shawn.
Shawn: That’s not true. I’ve considered everything.
Gus: Really? And what role would I play in this production of yours?
Shawn: I don’t…what do you…
Gus: What role would I play in the midst of all those hardcore down-to-the-last detail Civil War re-enactors? Would I be…
Shawn: No. Gus. No!
Gus: Okay, then maybe would I be…
Shawn: Never. Who are you talking to? You’re talking to me. This is me.
Gus: Then what, Shawn? What would I be? Because I tell you, there is no way, no way, that I would ever, never ever…
Shawn raises his hand to stop Gus from rambling.
Shawn: May I please tell you what I was thinking?
Shawn: I was thinking Glory. I was thinking Denzel.
Gus: Did you just say Denzel? As in Denzel Washington?
Shawn: No, the other Denzel. Of course, and we’ll put you on a horse, and we’ll give you your own sword. You are a chestful of medals. You can be anything you want. You can be a pilot.
Gus: The Air Force wasn’t formed until World War I.
Shawn: That’s fair. So, you can’t be a pilot. Look, I called Mr. Mahoney, he’s Mr. Uniform, and I told him to make you something spectacular.
Gus: Denzel Washington!
Burton Guster follows Shawn Spencer to Mr. Mahoney’s store.
Shawn: Captain Mahoney! You said you needed recruits? Voila.
Mahoney: Ah! Welcome aboard, son. I didn’t expect you back so soon. Don’t know if the uniforms are ready yet.
Shawn: but it is spectacular?
Gus: You saw Glory?
Mahoney: This is the best we had. Hehe! Well, come along.
Shawn: Spectacular, dude. I told you.
Gus: Wow, Captain, it’s quite an establishment you’ve got here.
Mr. Mahoney brings Shawn and Gus to his safe room. He opens the gated room.
Mahoney: Fine jewelry, yes? Even my vintage pocket watch collection, but above all, the finest Civil War memorabilia, and props west of the Mississippi.
Sally Reynolds arrives.
Sally: I can attest to that. I’ve repaired nearly half of them.
Shawn removes his cap.
Shawn: Sally. I am so happy to see you, though I’m a little disappointed you’re not wearing your nurse’s uniform.
Sally: Griffin called me, frantic, saying we need one more outfit. You okay with that?
Shawn: I sure am. It’s just a shame you didn’t dress me.
Sally: Still time for that.
Shawn turns to Gus flustered.
Mahoney: Aside from reenacting Sally insures half the regiment. Auto policies, homeowners, even theft.
Shawn: Speaking of which, Griff, I’m thinking of insuring my legs. Sort of like, Mary Hart. What do you think? Uh, three, five million a haunch? Keep in mind my calves are like carved marble.
Mahoney: That’s not the kind of policy she writes.
Shawn: So she wrote yours?
Mahoney: Of course, and it’s worth more than both your legs put together.
Shawn: Does that policy include plastic explosives? Cause I see that you’re packing C-4. Is this authentic?
Gus: Better yet, is it even legal?
Mahoney: That’s for the reenactments. We fudge the fireworks sometimes. Our audience goes wild every year when the fake cannon fire showers them with dirt.
Gus: What do we have here?
Gus walks over to a rifle, and inspects it.
Gus: C.S. Richmond High Hump. Point fifty-eight caliber percussion loader. Iron ramrod.
Mahoney: Good Lord, Burton. You are a wonk.
Gus: What the heck?
Gus tries to get the grease off his hand.
Mahoney: Sorry. Sorry. The battlefield can be pretty messy at times.
Mr. Mahoney hands Gus a handkerchief. Shawn takes a jar filled with buttons soaked in liquid.
Shawn: What about these jars with the buttons in them?
Mahoney: Eh, for the super hardcores. They soak their brass in urine.
Shawn trying not to look so disgusted puts back the jar.
Sally: You ready to try this thing on?
Later, Gus with his costume on looks at himself at the mirror.
Shawn: Dude, you look awesome.
Later that night, Gus is at the reenactment grounds wearing his costume.
Gus: Are you sure there’s not another uniform?
Sally: Yeah. But, I’m checking with the Ventura Association. Personally, I think you look dashing. I always loved the marching band.
Shawn Spencer sits outside his tent playing a videogame while two other men watch.
Shawn: It’s not so much me as it is Mickelson. He’s good.
Gus walks over to Shawn.
Gus: Shawn, we’re supposed to be roughing it.
Shawn: Gus, for your edification, they don’t have TiVo out here. Hi, Sally Reynolds.
Shawn throws the game controller, gets up his inflatable chair, and walks over to Sally. He first turns to Gus.
Shawn: Keep an eye on those patties.
Shawn offers his arm to Sally.
Shawn: Shall we? Let’s go somewhere dark. You can give me a history lesson.
Gus struggles to sit on Shawn’s inflatable chair as Shawn and Sally take a walk.
Shawn: Captain Quantrill, he’s the guy that, uh, that burned down the abolitionist town?
Sally: Lawrence, Kansas, 1863. A year later they were hell-bent on assassinating Lincoln.
Shawn: Ooh, ooh, but, but, Lassiter’s great-great-granddad, Muscum, he stopped ‘em cold on the bridge, yeah? Sort of like a noble calling, right?
Sally: Something like that?
Shawn: And the nurse you portray, who’s that?
Sally: Jenny Winslow. She lost her husband and two sons at Lawrence. She wanted revenge, and she got it.
Shawn: And what about you, Sally Reynolds? What do you want?
Sally: Shouldn’t you already know?
Shawn: Why? Because I’m psychic?
Sally: My aunt used to think she was a psychic. She got predictions wrong all the time. Then she’d get the smallest random detail right, and she’d say…
Sally: “You see?”
Shawn: So, what you’re saying is that you doubt me? That hurts my feelings.
Shawn walks away.
Sally: Well, you still haven’t guessed what I want.
Shawn and Sally kiss passionately on the bridge. Shawn steps back a little then falls off the bridge.
Shawn: Damn it!
Shawn starts rolling down the field, and lands close to where Nelson Poe did. He notices a tree. Burton Guster runs towards him, so does Sally Reynolds.
Gus: Shawn! What happened?
Shawn: Gus. I know how Nelson Poe was killed.
The following morning, Shawn knocks on the door of his father’s house. Henry opens the door.
Shawn: Good morning, Father.
Henry looks at Shawn who is still wearing his costume.
Henry: Good morning, Your Highness.
Shawn: I lost your pocket watch.
Later, Shawn with Henry go back to where he fell, and uses his dad’s metal detector to find his pocket watch.
Henry: The truth, Shawn, you’re not really my son, are you? Because I gave you a watch with the inscription “Don’t lose”. And what is the first thing that you do?
Shawn: I lose the watch.
Henry: You lose the watch.
Shawn: Well, here’s a news flash, Dad. My birthday wasn’t yesterday, okay? It was four months ago.
Henry: Yeah, well, here’s a newsflash for you, kid. After you were born, it took you four months to smile at me. That’s when the clock started ticking. Look, Shawn, I appreciate this newfound respect that you’ve got for time, but what the hell are you doing out here in the boonies with an antique gold pocket watch?
Shawn: Oh, I don’t know, trying to clear an innocent man named George Cheslow?
The metal detector starts beeping rapidly. Shawn kneels down only to find a button.
Shawn: It’s a button.
Henry: All right, look. This case of yours, I, uh, I’ve been thinking about it and…
Henry: Well, no. I haven’t been “thinking”. Look, killing your wife’s lover is something that’s rarely planned. Usually, it just happens. So, even if this dentist Cheslow did plan it, he’s not gonna be some numb nuts hanging around waiting for love letters that are gonna point the cops in his direction, right?
Shawn: Exactly. He’s not gonna hang around like a numb nuts. So, here’s the deal. I think Nelson rolled into this creek, and was shot from that tree right up there.
Henry: And you figured this out, last night, when you fell on your ass down her by yourself.
Shawn: Right on my ass. Now, all I need to do is find the missing bullet.
Henry: And how, and where do we find this missing bullet?
The metal detector beeps rapidly again. Shawn kneels down.
Shawn: How about right here?
Shawn sticks the pencil on the spot where the metal detector beeped.
Henry: Uh-huh. Shawn, what about the watch?
Shawn pulls out the pocket watch that his father gave him.
Shawn: You mean this watch?
Shawn: Hey, I needed a metal detector. Target was out of stock. And you won’t let anyone use yours, so…hey, I found the bullet.
Henry: Well, hey, you didn’t find the killer, did you? You need, to find, the killer.
Henry takes his metal detector and struggles to go up the bridge.
Shawn: Hell of an exit.
Henry: P.S., you look like an idiot.
Later, Gus leads Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara to the dried up creek.
Lassiter: I am warning you, he’d better not be wasting my time.
Gus: Honestly Detective, I’ve never seen him so excited before.
Shawn is standing on the scene of the crime.
Shawn: “Four score and seven years ago…”
Shawn: “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you…”
Shawn: “can do for..” Gus?! Is that you?
Detective Lassiter hops off the bridge, and makes his way to Shawn.
Shawn: Yellow! All I see is yellow. Yellow and the number two.
Detective O’Hara hop off the bridge followed by Gus. Detective Lassiter turns to Detective O’Hara.
Lassiter: I’m already getting a bad feeling here.
Shawn: There’s lead. No, graphite.
Lassiter: Fine! I’ll play. Uh, a pencil?
Shawn: Yes, a yellow pencil.
Lassiter: You see a yellow pencil.
Shawn: I’m not sure. Please, help me, Detective, please. A little to your left.
Detective Lassiter turns to his left. Detective O’Hara follows him.
Shawn: Uh, back to your right.
Detective Lassiter turns around.
Shawn: Oh, you are getting warm, you are so warm!
Detective Lassiter walks closer to Shawn.
Shawn: Oh gosh! You’re burning up! How can you stand that?
Detective Lassiter looks down, and finds the pencil. He pulls out the pencil.
Lassiter: Great, you found a pencil. Now we can all take the SATs.
Shawn: Ah! There’s more. The evidence, the critical evidence, it’s there, just look closer. Look closer.
Detective Lassiter brushes off the dried up grass with the pencil. Shawn Spencer groans. Detective Lassiter finds the bullet, and picks it up with a pair of tweezers. He drops it inside the evidence bag pulled out by Detective O’Hara.
Shawn: That’s it. Gus. That’s it. That’s the bullet that killed Poe.
Lassiter: And I bet when I run it through ballistics, it’s gonna match George Cheslow’s musket.
Detective O’Hara’s cell phone rings.
Shawn: No, you’re wrong, it’s not Cheslow.
Detective O’Hara answers her phone.
Jules: O’Hara. Yeah. We’re on our way.
Detective O’Hara hangs up, and turns to Detective Lassiter.
Jules: It’s a 439 in progress.
Lassiter: We gotta go.
Detective O’Hara and Detective Lassiter walk away.
Shawn: Wa-wa-wait, I was…I’m not finished! There’s more!
Lassiter: E-mail me!
Shawn: Juliet! I found the bullet! I…
Gus: Should we go?
Shawn: No. No, let’s, let’s run through this…from the killer’s point of view.
Later, Shawn Spencer sits up on a tree branch.
Shawn: Okay, Nelson was shot from up here. Let’s do a list.
Gus: Okay. One.
Shawn: The killer climbs the tree, like so.
Gus: Right, two.
Shawn: He gets ready to shoot from here.
Shawn: Nelson rolls down the creek, way past his mark.
Shawn: Looks up, sees the bad guy.
Gus: Okay, which means Nelson wasn’t the original target!
Shawn: Bingo! He interrupted the plan.
Gus: Okay, look up there and see if you see a notch. You know, that would steady a gun.
Shawn: A notch?
Gus: Yeah, like a notch. It should lead us to the intended target.
Shawn: That’s not a notch. That’s a notch.
Shawn sees a notch sawed on a tree branch. He pretends to aim a gun, and finds that it is targeted at a tent.
Shawn: The hospital tent. Dude, I think I got it.
Shawn: Sally Reynolds.
Gus: Sally Reynolds?
Shawn: Sally Reynolds.
Gus: Why would someone want to kill Sally Reynolds?
Shawn: I have no idea.
Later, Shawn and Gus already dressed in their costumes arrive at the parking lot of the reenactment site.
Man on Speaker: Folks, our Civil War re-enactment has begun.
Shawn and Gus hurriedly run towards Detective O’Hara who gets out of her car.
Jules: Hey, what’s up, guys?
Shawn: You’re gonna get a call from a very irate Sally Reynolds saying that two guys just drove by and stole her dress. Just ignore it, okay?
Jules: What the hell are you guys doing?
Gus: Sally was the target. Shawn’s gonna put on that dress and wait for someone to shoot him.
Shawn: Right, but the plan sounds a lot better when you don’t say it like that.
Shawn: Listen, Detective, we have reason to believe that the intended target was Sally Reynolds. Now, we’ve stolen her dress, and we’re gonna catch the yellow-bellied son of a bitch red-handed. I forced the ending. That’s horrible.
Jules: Wait, so, risking getting shot is the only way to solve the case?
Jules: Then we should stop the battle.
Shawn: No, we can’t! It’s too late. They’re gonna start in less than a minute. Listen, Juliet, please let us go?
Jules: I can’t let you do that.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster groan.
Jules: You’re a civilian. It’s too dangerous.
Shawn: It’s fine. We’ll spot the guy well before he gets a shot off.
Jules: I’ll do it.
Detective O’Hara grabs the dress from Shawn Spencer.
Jules: I’ll do it.
The reenactment had already begun.
The troops charge, and the men start yelling.
Shawn and Gus dress struggle to zip up Detective O’Hara’s nurse costume.
Jules: Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Shawn: Careful, Gus!
Gus: Sorry! Just take a deep breath.
Gus: I don’t think these dresses were intended to fit over a bulletproof vest.
Shawn: Remember, we will be out there watching.
Jules: Got you.
Gus: To catch the bad guy before you get shot.
Jules: I understand.
Shawn: But just in case, I want you to bob left, weave right. Traditional bob and weave, no reason to get fancy out there.
Gus: And don’t become an easy target.
Jules: I did go to the academy.
Gus: Or you could die.
Gus: Now remember, the fifth cannon boom is your cue to shoot whoever’s playing Quantrill.
Shawn: Right, wait, how do you know that?
Gus: I read the manual. Didn’t you?
Detective O’Hara puts on her helmet.
Shawn: I didn’t open the manual. It was like War and Peace. There were seventeen chapters.
Gus: It’s the manual, Shawn.
Shawn: It was this thick. Why would…
Shawn: Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. All about you right now. All right, you’re a champion.
Detective O’Hara ties a nurse’s veil over her helmet.
Shawn: Now go out there and catch us a killer. Juliet, please be careful.
Gus: And don’t die.
Shawn: How many times are you gonna say die?
Gus: Shawn, just get…
Shawn: You’re putting the word “die” into her head. She knows there’s a killer!
Detective O’Hara opens the tent and prepares to walk outside, but gets startled with the explosions.
Jules: A favor.
Shawn: Sure! Name it.
Jules: Kick me.
Shawn: Do what?
Jules: Kick me!
One of the guys kicks Detective O’Hara, and she goes hurtling outside. She takes the prop rifle. Meanwhile, Shawn and Gus sneak out through the back of the tent.
Gus: Now what?
Shawn: Now, we can get ready to find a killer.
Detective O’Hara runs with the rifle, while Shawn and Gus sneak to where the killer would be hiding. They look up the tree, but there is no one there. Confederate Quantrill on his horse makes his way to where they are.
Shawn: Here it comes. The moment of truth.
Detective O’Hara plays her role, and shoots Confederate Quantrill. The man falls off his horse. Detective O’Hara turns to Shawn and Gus then shrugs. Shawn shrugs back.
Gus: Where’s our killer?
Shawn: That’s weird. Nobody came.
Gus: Well, at least Juliet is out of danger now.
Gus steps on something.
Shawn and Gus brush away the dead grass, and finds a manhole.
Shawn: Well, I wonder where this leads.
Shawn and Gus struggle to lift the manhole. Later, they exit through another manhole right outside a tent.
Shawn: Watch your head.
Gus emerges out of the manhole.
Shawn: Ugh, did you get sewage on your feather?
Shawn and Gus hide behind the tent, and watch the reenactment.
Gus: We’ve crossed to the other side of the creek bed.
Shawn: Yeah, the police accounted for all the Union soldiers, but nobody’s considered that the murderer could have come from this side. After all, this was the bad side, right?
Gus: You know that’s right.
Shawn enters the tent, and Gus follows him.
Shawn; May I ask, who goes out on the battlefield without their boots?
Shawn pulls out a pair of boots.
Gus: Maybe someone has bunions.
Shawn: Bunions, Gus? Really? That’s what you’re bringing to the table? I’m trying to solve a murder here.
Gus: I deal with bunions at work every day, Shawn. They hurt…
Gus removes his feathered hat.
Gus: That’s a perfectly logical assumption.
Shawn: Oh, yeah? What about this?
Shawn pulls out a costume.
Shawn: No tunic!
Gus takes the tunic.
Gus: This is Mahoney’s!
Shawn notices a missing button.
Shawn puts the button he picked up from the crime scene.
Shawn: The brass button.
Gus: Mahoney did it.
Shawn and Gus jump for joy.
Gus: That’s why he had that sticky musket. He must’ve gotten sap on it from that notch in the tree.
Shawn: Wait! This doesn’t track. Why kill Sally? She’s hot, they’re friends. She even wrote his insurance policy.
A bomb explodes.
Gus: That was C-4.
Shawn: That didn’t come from the battlefield. It came from the south.
The two guys pause for a second.
Shawn: I solved the crime!
Gus: No, I did.
Shawn: I said it first.
Gus: I identified the uniform.
Shawn: I found the button near the tree. I said it first. Tap, tap, no take-backs.
Gus: That’s not fair, Shawn. I was identifying the C-4 sound.
Shawn: Dude, you snooze, you lose, Gus. I don’t have to tell you.
Gus is annoyed. He puts on his feathered hat.
Shawn: That manhole we found connects to the sewer. It’s gonna lead us right to our killer. Let’s go.
Gus: Whoa! We’re going in by ourself?
Shawn: What, are you crazy?
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster arrive at Mr. Mahoney’s jewelry store. They find him inside the safe room bagging his prized possessions. Gus has his sword up.
Gus: Where are you going, Mahoney?
Shawn: Hey, Griff!
Mahoney: Hello, boys.
Mr. Mahoney points a gun at them.
Mahoney: Back off. Back off. Back off! This gun is loaded.
Gus and Shawn back off to the next room. Guns start cocking. The whole regiment have their guns pointed at Mr. Mahoney.
Shawn: Yes, but mine are so much bigger.
Detective Lassiter arrives.
Lassiter: Get out of the way! I’m coming through. What the hell is going on down here?!
Detective Lassiter walks over to Gus and Shawn, and sees Mr. Mahoney holding a gun.
Shawn: Colonel! Arrest this traitor.
Lassiter: I’ll have that weapon, Captain.
At the police station, Chief Vick opens the duffle bag filled with loot. Gus swings Shawn’s pocket watch pretending to hypnotize him.
Chief: Okay, hold on, I’m gonna need you to walk me through this. Mahoney blew up his own vault?
Mahoney: That is an absolutely outrageous…
Lassiter: Shut up!
Shawn: Not only did he blow it up, he used the battle as a cover to rob his own store. Then, he’d collect a multi-million dollar insurance policy in a couple of weeks, then slip back to the battle during the cannon fire with no one ever being the wiser.
Shawn pretends to snap out of hypnosis.
Shawn: Oh, ye immoral man of low fiber! You should really eat more bran.
Mahoney: I want to see my lawyer.
Lassiter: In due time.
Chief: Wa-wait, but I still don’t understand. Why kill Nelson Poe?
Shawn: That is the rub, isn’t it? Sally Reynolds was the intended target. The question is why?
Detective O’Hara arrives with Sally Reynolds.
Shawn: Hi, Juliet.
Jules: Got your message.
Sally: What the hell is going on?
Shawn holds a trumpet, and pretends to get a psychic vision.
Shawn: Oh! I can see it clearly now! Sally wrote Mahoney’s multi-million dollar insurance policy. That means she was…she was in on the fraud from the start.
Sally: That’s a lie!
Shawn: But Mahoney here didn’t want to share those millions, so he gets an idea. What if sweet, sweet Sally with the filthy mouth, and the bedroom eyes had a little accident out on the battlefield during the rehearsal?
Sally: You mean Griffin tried to kill me?
Gus: That’s right.
Mahoney: This is a lie. You are fabricating everything you’re saying.
Gus: Now, you hold on a second, Mr. Mahoney.
Shawn: Oh, hey, Gus, you see, when Nelson rolled down the creek bed and landed too close to the river, he looked up and saw Griffin on the tree with his trusty musket, who said, “Griffin, now you must kill Nelson Poe to keep his stinking mouth shut.”
Gus: Told you had the wrong person, Lassiter.
Lassiter: I know.
Chief: Detective O’Hara…lose the hoop skirt before you hurt someone. Read ‘em their rights and book ‘em.
Detective O’Hara arrest Sally Reynolds, while two other police officers escort the already handcuffed Mr. Mahoney.
Lassiter: Excuse me, gentlemen.
Shawn: Hey, it was good work, Detective. We got ‘em.
Gus: We’re a team, right?
Shawn and Gus salute Detective Lassiter, but he just walks away.
Back in 1986, young Shawn and Gus walk in the woods.
Shawn: Gus. When we grow up, think I’ll ever be as cool as you?
Gus: You’re better at kickball.
Shawn: Not what I asked.
Gus: We talking about your dad, again?
Gus: Come on, dude. The guy respects you.
Shawn: Not like he does you.
Gus: I’m not his son. I mean, he might like me okay, but he loves you.
Shawn: Did he say that?
Shawn: Then, how can you be sure?
Gus: You mean he’s never said it?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. We’re guys.
Young Shawn drops his ball, and it rolls into a huge open pipe. Shawn picks the ball up. The two boys look at each other.
Young Shawn and Gus: Charge!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Weekend Warriors” episode was written by Douglas Steinberg. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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