In 1985, Young Shawn Spencer enters the house frantically searching.
Henry: Hey,Shawn, what in the world do you think you’re doing?
Shawn: Hide and seek.
Henry: I don’t think so.
Shawn: But you said we could.
Henry: Not like that.
Shawn: That’s how you play.
Henry: Not in my house. Shawn, you can’t tail a suspect like that. Look how loud you are. Your perp is gonna hear you going from every turn.
Henry points at Shawn’s slippers.
Henry: Those things smack every time you take a step. Now, if you’re gonna wear them when you compete, you gotta keep…
Henry: On the balls of your feet. Balls of your feet. And you take deliberate steps. You don’t know where he is. He shouldn’t get to know where you are. He’s invisible, you’re invisible. Now, you’ve leveled he playing field.
Shawn: Can I go now?
Henry: No. You’re going to learn to do the little things right. For instance…
Henry goes over to the corner of the kitchen, and crouches.
Henry: When you peer around the corner, I want you to stay down low ‘cause you see, they’re expecting you up here at eye level. When you walk down a hall, check the grains of the carpet. We just vacuumed, right? And never, ever again do I ever want to hear you slam a door when you can pull it closed.
Shawn: But we’re just playing.
Henry: Well, play right, Shawn, or don’t play at all.
Shawn removes his slippers, and resumes searching.
Henry: He’s not in here.
Present day, Shawn sneaks around the police station. He hides behind a wall to eavesdrop on Detective Lassiter, Detective O’Hara and three more police officers.
Lassiter: I don’t need to tell you how vital it is that we maintain the utmost secrecy on this heist. The Attorney General does not want his son’s wedding disrupted any more than it’s already been.
Jules: How will we explain our presence to the press?
Lassiter: We don’t. Just let me stew.
Jules: Well, that’s one approach. But, if I may suggest, I once wrote a paper regarding press releases and such and…
Detective Lassiter glares at Detective O’Hara.
Jules: Sorry, your idea sounds great.
A door opens, and Detective Lassiter looks behind him. Shawn who has been peering out behind the wall hides.
Lassiter: Get the board.
Lassiter and his team leave. Gus peers out from the other side of the wall.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Dude, I ‘m onto something big.
Gus: Tailing cops? In a police station?
Shawn: Some monumentally expensive ring just got stolen. I’m gonna get us on the case.
Gus: We just got a case five minutes ago.
Shawn: Yeah, a lame one. Stolen computers from a high school. Come on, like, you were falling asleep during that meeting.
A police officer rolls out the board with research on the stolen ring case. Shawn immediately takes in what’s pinned on the board.
Shawn: This is an heirloom. It’s worth five million dollars, lifted from the hotel where they’re having the wedding. Wedding’s on Saturday. Ooh! There’s an open bar. Dude, we’re so there.
Gus: Are we looking at the same thing?
The police officer rolls the board away. Chief walks into view.
Chief: I told you to wait in my office.
Shawn: I had a premonition. Something sparkly. Just over five karats, perfect clarity, slight inclusion. Is this ringing any bells for you?
Chief grabs the case file that Gus is holding.
Chief: Solve the case I gave you. Then we’ll talk.
The chief hands the case file to Shawn.
Chief: In the meantime, I have a lot of work to complete.
Shawn reads through the case file as the Chief walks away.
Shawn: It’s the secretary.
The Chief turns around.
Shawn: The secretary. The secretary did it. Now, what can you tell me about the ring I’m envisioning?
Chief walks over to Shawn, and grabs the case file from him.
Chief: But you barely even looked at this folder.
Shawn: It’s in the papers.
Shawn: The signatures, it’s in her handwriting. Look, she’s faking her own signature, and later there’s evidence that it’s…
Gus nudges Shawn’s elbow. Shawn pretends that his arm is possessed. Gus gives him another nudge.
Shawn: I feel it in the ink, very bad vibes. Strong squidish vibes.
Chief: We’ll check it out. Until then, I trust you can find the door.
Chief walks away.
Shawn: But what about the ring?
Chief: Not until this one is done.
Chief goes to her office. Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: Hey, let me gather some information, all right? Make a little headway. Then I’ll have a psychic episode that blows the ears right off their skulls.
Gus: Shawn, I’m in meetings all day. I barely had time to come down for this. We’re doing what the Chief says. Period.
Gus leaves. Shawn sneaks inside one of the rooms in the station.
Shawn: So sorry to have kept you waiting. I am Shawn Spencer, chief psychic here at the department.
Shawn shakes the hand of the woman.
Woman: Thank you so much for helping. This whole thing has been devastating.
Shawn shakes the hand of the man.
Groom: My hands are still shaking.
Bride: You’re doing fine.
Shawn: Okay, I only have a second. I’ll need you to tell everything I have to know about this case as quickly as humanly possible, okay?
Shawn goes over to the board, and points at the encircled face of a man in a picture.
Shawn: What about this guy? What’s going on with the best man?
Groom: I don’t know, he’s not answering his phone or his door. This day has just been completely unreal.
Bride: Guys, it’s going to be fine. You’re in good hands. I have never failed a case.
Woman #2: I know who you are. I read about you in the paper.
Shawn looks at the woman, and notices that she is holding a piece of paper.
Shawn: You did? You’re the sister of the groom.
Shawn shakes her hand, and while doing that he’s looking at the scattered pictures, and papers on the table.
Shawn: And the maid of honor, and the wedding planner?
Woman #2: Correct.
Shawn: That is so many hats.
Woman #2: You should see my closet.
Shawn: I am hoping to, but not until I find this ring.
Woman #2: Well, the wedding’s tomorrow. How fast are you?
Shawn: That depends entirely on how much cooperation I receive.
Bride: Why don’t you come to the wedding?
Shawn: Yeah. No, no, I couldn’t possible impose on you. No.
Bride: Please, you’re saving us here. You find this ring. We’d owe you everything.
Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara arrive.
Lassiter: What in the hell is going on here?
Shawn: I just dropped by to say hello.
Shawn: Guys, this is head detective Carlton Lassiter and his lovely new partner, Juliet. His last one turned out to be his girlfriend, so she was transferred. I’m not sure if that was the only reason. I’ll let you decide for yourselves.
Lassiter: Shall we?
Detective Lassiter escorts Shawn Spencer out of the room.
Shawn: If this is some sort of hazing ritual, where we’re gonna end up naked in a river somewhere, I’ll need to arrange for a ride home.
Lassiter pushes Spencer to the wall.
Lassiter: Listen to me, Spencer. The department’s reputation is on the line with this one. If I catch you anywhere near this case, I will throw every book I can find at you.
Shawn: What if you find the Bible? You going to throw that, too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me, don’t you think?
Lassiter leaves. Shawn touches his right shoulder in pain.
Gus is at a parking lot inside his car when his cell phone rings.
Gus: Burton Guster, Central Coast Pharmaceuticals.
Shawn: Dude, I got a suspect…
Gus: I’ll call you back later, Shawn.
Shawn: No, no, you can’t. I left my cell phone in your car yesterday along with a tuna sandwhich. I seriously hope you found that.
Gus: Later this afternoon, Shawn.
Shawn: No, no, Gus, this happens now. The wedding is tomorrow.
Shawn hands the phone to the goon who hangs it up.
Goon: Is he coming?
Shawn: Not yet. But we’re getting closer. Thanks, Stabber.
Shawn sneaks in Hotel De La Cruz. Detective Lassiter briefs the police officers at the hotel.
Lassiter: Mandatory briefing. Magnolia room. Fifteen minutes. Excuse us, please. Attorney General Maxwell.
Detective Lassiter walks over to the Attorney General.
Maxwell: Detective, I trust we’re making progress.
Lassiter: I am right on schedule, sir. I’ve booked myself a suite to use as a command center.
Shawn hides behind a plant.
Lassiter: I’ll stay the night if I have to. Keep an eye on things.
Maxwell: The city’s not paying for that, is it?
Lassiter: Uh, no.
Maxwell: That ring has been in my family for two hundred years. My mother agonized over the decision to give it to my son. I’m not letting it get away now.
Lassiter: sir, we are checking every person who came through that door. Every employee. Every guest.
Maxwell: Nobody checks out of this hotel until we’re just short of going through every piece of their luggage.
Lassiter: Way ahead of you, sir.
Maxwell: No, you’re not.
Jules looks at Detective Lassiter.
Jules shakes her head. Lassiter seemed to have seen Shawn hiding behind a plant, but he leaves.
A security guard stands behind Shawn Spencer.
Guard: Can I help you, sir?
Shawn: I’m just listening.
Guard: For what?
Shawn: For what.
Shawn spots the mask and gloves on the guard.
Shawn: Lyme disease.
Guard: Lyme disease?
Shawn: Lyme disease, rickets, avitaminosis, Legionnaire’s, bubonic. You name it. I want you to listen to something.
Shawn taps on the plant box.
Shawn: Do you hear that?
Shawn: We have spores in the wall.
Shawn: You know where else they are? In the planter. You know where else? Everywhere in the entire hotel.
Guard: Who called you? Mike?
Shawn: Mike? Is this a big joke to you? I don’t answer to Mike. Have you seen Mike lately? Mike can kiss my ass. I was called in by the state inspector himself. Are you at all aware how dangerous this is?
Guard: Hell, yes, I am!
Shawn: Good, I’m glad. I need access to this whole place, elevator shafts, air vents, the safe room, obviously.
Guard: The safe room is a crime scene.
Shawn: This eucalyptus will be dead by lunch. The safe room will be a triage unit if I don’t get those spores out of there.
Guard: Understood. Can we let the cops finish up in there first?
Shawn: Tell them to hurry.
Guard: Oh man.
The police team watches the video taken from the safe room.
Lassiter: Thirteen minutes after midnight, members of the wedding party entered the safe room, placing the ring into a safety deposit box, which was slid into the safe and closed for the night. No sensors indicate that either the safe door or the lock box was opened again until the following morning. Please note, he has activated the time lock, which prevents the safe from opening. No one walks into that room again until the following morning, when the ring is discovered missing.
MacNab: So, it definitely didn’t disappear during the night?
Lassiter: Or so they would like you to think. However, if you look closely, there are nine glitches on this tape.
Jules: I’m sorry, glitches?
Lassiter: Seams, static bursts in the image. Someone could have tapped in an alternate video feed of this room while it was empty. Or, more likely, as I believe, someone built a scale replica of this room.
A man’s laugh is heard.
Lassiter: Who laughed? Nobody?
The laugh is heard again.
Lassiter: If someone disagrees with my theory, I’d like to know.
Jules: It just seems very elaborate.
MacNab: And just a bit far-fetched.
Detective Lassiter turns to MacNab.
Lassiter: Are you a detective? Why are you here?
MacNab: You asked for all of us to come.
Shawn Spencer peeks through a vent on the ceiling.
Lassiter: Oh, well, Officer, since you’re such an expert on fetching, why don’t you fetch me a cup of coffee?
Shawn Spencer laughs , but catches himself before anyone else hears him. Officer Buzz MacNab leaves to fetch Detective Lassiter his coffee.
Lassiter: Moving on. All the employee alibis check out. Except this one.
Detective Lassiter points at the picture of one Key Personnel.
Lassiter: Dietrich Mannheim. Currently the facilities manager. You may remember him from the security video. He was in the room when the ring was placed into the safety deposit box. During questioning, he was nervous, evasive, and contradicted himself more than once. His work computer history reveals that he recently visited websites for boats, and expensive cars, and he failed to show up for work. Questions?
Jules: Is this your only lead?
Lassiter: His responses to my interrogation were hostile at best.
Jules: Clarify “hostile”.
Lassiter: Use my tone now as a guide.
Shawn enters a café, and sees Jules. He sits at her table.
Shawn: Detective O’Hara, al alone?
Jules: Well, not anymore, apparently.
Shawn: Work troubles? I’m sensing work troubles. Here, let me read your palm.
Jules: How about just one finger?
Shawn: Come, now, let me see if I can be helpful.
Jules: Why are you here?
Shawn: The Maxwell wedding. Honestly, I was invited.
Jules: By whom?
Shawn: Beth. Bethany. The bride. Little baby B. The B sting. Love her. God, Dylan is so lucky to have her. She grounds him in ways that he needed grounding, don’t you think?
Jules offers her palm.
Shawn: She’s a good sport. Air Supply, really? Kidding. Just kidding. Relax. This is work-related. You thought this place would be different, but nobody respects your opinions. They all think you’re too young?
Shawn lets go of Detective O’Hara’s hand.
Shawn: You know, I think you and I could help each other.
Jules: And how would that be?
Shawn: Oh, I know things. Things about rings.
Jules: Oh, I thought you were here for a wedding.
Shawn: I am…ish.
Both are silent. Shawn Spencer and Detective O’Hara stare at each other. Detective O’Hara rests her elbows on the table leans her head on her hands.
Jules: You first.
Burton Guster’s officemate nervously goes over to his office.
Woman: I just got a message for you, Mr. Guster, and, um, well, I’m afraid it’s about your cat.
Gus: My cat?
Woman: The poor thing is in the animal hospital. They think her leg is broken.
Gus: I’ll get down there later.
Woman: You’re not going?
Gus: I’m very busy.
Another officemate walks by, and happens to hear their conversation.
Officemate: But your cat needs you for moral support. The vet said it could be the difference.
Officemate #2: You have to go.
Officemate: Mr. Guster, I know that you’re in shock. Don’t do anything you’re going to regret forever.
Another officemate comes over.
Gus: I don’t even…
Officemate #3: He’s not going?
The officemate smiles in delight.
Burton Guster walks to the parking lot to find Shawn Spencer on the hood of his car.
Gus: So, now I have a cat?
Shawn: An orange tabby. Last Christmas, you made her a tiny Santa hat. It was adorable.
Gus: Fantastic. I can’t even have a make-believe boy cat.
Shawn: Gus, a boy cat wouldn’t serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though, I’m not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
Gus: Yeah, well, in a related issue, I’m blocking your number on all the phones in the office.
Gus walks away.
Shawn: If you think that will work, I think it’s endearing. In the meantime, aren’t you the least bit curious about who was there when they put the ring in the hotel safe?
Gus: Wait a minute.
Gus walks back to Shawn.
Gus: This is a safecracking case?
Shawn: Did I forget to mention that?
Shawn hops off the hood, and makes his way to the passenger seat.
Gus: What kind of safe?
Shawn: The, uh, Hydra 700.
Gus: The 700 is out? That’s impossible, nobody could crack that.
Shawn: I haven’t even told you about the wall sensors.
Gus: Can we be done by three?
Burton Guster and Shawn Spencer arrive at the hotel.
Shawn: The safe room, right behind that door.
Shawn inconspicuously points at the door behind the reception area where police officers are.
Gus: What is all this? I thought this was a safe job.
Shawn: Oh, Lassiter has this insane idea that this is an elaborate heist, right? Like on par with Ocean’s Eleven, or Thomas Crown, or..oh, the one where they kill Donald Sutherland in the first ten minutes, remake…uh
The Chief sees Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster at the hotel.
Chief: Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, what a surprise.
Shawn: Chief. Looking good. You’re probably wondering…
Chief: I sent an officer down to the high school to take a look at your secretary suspect. She cracked. He didn’t even get the first question out.
Shawn speaks in a really high voice in surprise.
Gus nudges him.
Shawn: ‘cause I envisioned that being harder.
Chief: Yet I don’t recall asking you to come down here to the De La Cruz.
Gus: Well, we have reason to believe this case goes in a completely different direction.
Chief: Huh. Let me be perfectly clear.
Chief moves closer to the guys such that her face is a few inches from them.
Chief: I didn’t see you and we didn’t talk. Call me if you have something.
The chief leaves.
Shawn: I love her.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster walk over to the concierge who is delightedly waving at them.
Gus: He knows you?
Shawn: I had to lay some groundwork. He doesn’t believe in psychics. This is Plan B.
Concierge: Chief Inspector Shawn, how are you?
Shawn: Shhhh! I’m undercover. Not even the American police know I’m on this.
The concierge stammers.
Concierge: I’m sorry. I blew it again, didn’t I? And after you brought me into your confidence.
Shawn: Bobby, it’s fine. Believe me. Bobby, it’s fine. Believe me. These other Interpol guys are very appreciative of what you’re doing here.
Concierge: How long will you need?
Shawn: Just as we discussed, five minutes, tops. You’re my man.
Shawn Spencer shakes hands with the concierge. The concierge leaves the reception area, while Shawn and Gus take over to use the computer.
Shawn: That’s right. Missing Ring Division. I believe I was recruited out of North Africa when I was fifteen.
Gus: You could at least use a British accent.
Shawn speaks in a British accent.
Shawn: Oh, please, Gus, I started with a British accent, and then seamlessly slipped ito my fake American one. Bobby gave me some pointers. Apparently you Americans say “howdy” a lot.
A beautiful young woman walks by.
The woman looks at him and smiles, but continues to walk away. Shawn follows her with his eyes.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Uh, list. List. I made a list of suspects after attending Lassiter’s briefing.
Gus: He let you in his briefing?
Shawn: He does when you’re in the airshaft.
Gus reads Shawn’s list.
Gus: All your suspects are in the wedding party?
Shawn: Look, the only ones who knew they put that ring in the safe were at the rehearsal dinner.
Gus: So, it was an inside job?
Shawn: Looking like it.
Gus: You’re making keys?
Shawn: Gus, how else do you expect me to get in the rooms?
Gus: Shawn, you can’t do that.
Shawn: Of course I can, I worked at the Hampton Inn for that three-day weekend in Austin when we were nineteen. I know you remember that. Gus, this is so easy. Try making a key.
Shawn and Gus try to enter one of the rooms using the key that Shawn made.
Shawn: Dud, I rule.
Shawn opens the room.
Shawn: Nope. Innocent. Let’s move.
Gus: What are you talking about? We haven’t even stepped foot in there.
Shawn: Gus, do you need the remedial course, really?
Shawn re-enters the room spots the nightstand and observes the things on it – car keys, coins, wallet, and eyeglasses.
Shawn: Uncle Leo left his wallet on the table. Criminals are sneaky, jaded, suspicious people. They’re smart and defensive. This guy has a reason to be trusting. Can we go now?
Shawn and Gus go over to the next room where classical music is playing.
Shawn: Guys, hey, your door was open.
Dylan: Oh, it was?
Shawn: Yes, and I was worried that something horrible had happened. You’re okay?
Dylan: Yeah. Yeah.
Shawn laughs, and turns to Gus.
Shawn: I told you we didn’t have to come in here. They’re fine. Everybody’s fine. This is my associate, Gus. You could just call him Peter Panic.
Shawn laughs. Dylan shakes Gus’ hand.
Gus: Hi, how are you doing?
Dylan: So you’re a psychic too?
Shawn: Gus here is a safe expert. Yes, he subscribes to The Safecracker, a safecracking comic book.
Gus: It’s an online magazine, and it’s a trade publication.
Shawn walks over to Dylan’s sister.
Shawn: Excuse me for saying so, but how exactly do you figure into this legal family?
Sister: I started my criminal law degree then I came to my senses, went to Europe, painted, slept, ate, sank a boat.
Gus: We’d like to speak to the best man, if possible.
Dylan: So would we. Any ideas where he is?
Sister: We haven’t seen him since the night of the sixth.
Shawn: Which is the night the ring disappeared.
Bethany: The florist quit. So, after we dropped the ring off at the safe, we had to wrap bouquets all night in our suite.
Dylan: Everybody except Jack.
Gus: Do you think he’s a suspect?
Dylan: No, we just think he’s lazy.
Attorney General Maxwell enters the room.
Dylan: Hey, Dad, this is Shawn Spencer. He’s the psychic I told you about.
Attorney General Maxwell shakes Shawn Spencer’s hand.
Maxwell: I know. Let’s talk.
Attorney General Maxwell pulls Shawn.
Maxwell: Son, I’m very comfortable with the current direction of the investigation. So, let’s let the real police department do their job.
Maxwell shows them the door.
Shawn: Sir, believe me, I am only here to help.
Burton Guster walks out the door.
Shawn: In fact, I was actually hoping to discuss…
Maxwell ushers him out the door.
Maxwell: I’m glad you understand.
Shawn and Gus walk away from the room.
Shawn: The guy shook my hand like I stole something.
Shawn goes to another room to check it. Gus knocks on the door first.
Shawn: You see? That’s why I can’t do this job alone.
Shawn enters the room.
Shawn: Wow. That is about as orange as you can get.
Gus: Which suspect’s room is this?
Gus: The head detective? Whoo! He has his own room?
Shawn: Perhaps paid for by the city.
Gus: No. No. This is going too far. We’re not staying.
Shawn: Gus, we need these witness statements. It’s not exactly like we’re being overwhelmed with cooperation here.
Shawn throws an apple at Gus. Gus catches it then peers out the eyehole.
Shawn: Oh, Lacey. Lacey, you can sink my boat.
Shawn jumps on the bed.
Shawn: Toss me the remote.
Gus throws the remote at Shawn. Shawn exclaims. Gus takes a case file and reads it. Shawn turns on the television.
Man on TV: It’s the bottom of the eighth inning and so far it’s been…
Shawn: What do you got? You got anything good?
Gus: I hate to say it, but yeah. The Attorney General has an insurance policy on the ring. He’ll collect a cool three million dollars on it as long as it still belongs to him, which it does only until these two are married.
Shawn: Well, well, well.
The room’s front door opens. Gus and Shawn hide. The hotel housekeeper enters. Shawn comes out of hiding. The housekeeper is surprised, and stammers.
Housekeeper: I—I’m supposed to knock. Forgive me, Detective.
Housekeeper: Head Detective. Sorry. I was told you wouldn’t be here until six tonight. Shawn: That’s right. Six tonight. Head Detective. I changed my plan. Please don’t tell anyone.
Housekeeper: Absolutely, sir.
The housekeeper gestures that his lips are sealed.
Shawn: Thanks. Six, huh?
Housekeeper: Is there anything I can do for you while I’m here?
Shawn: As a matter of fact, yes, there is. We’d like a room service menu delivered immediately.
Shawn and Gus go to the lobby.
Gus: In Lassiter’s photo, there didn’t appear to be a mark on that safe. I don’t care how good you are, you don’t crack a Hydra without leaving some sort of visible residue. We need to see that safe.
Shawn: That’s going to be a little difficult. Mmm. How close you need to be?
Shawn enters the kitchen followed by Gus.
Gus: Is there a secret back door through the kitchen?
Shawn: No, we’re gonna take the air vents. Unfortunately, both my access points are blocked by Santa Barbara’s finest.
Gus: You think I’m going in there?
Gus points at the dumbwaiter.
Shawn: You know you want to.
Gus: Not in this suit.
Shawn: Gus do you wanna see the safe or not? Look, this will be easy. W take this dumbwaiter up to the grate, pop the screen, crawl right through the shafts. Three rights and a left. We check our progress through the vents.
Shawn opens the dumbwaiter and exclaims at the sight of a dead body. He observes the dead body with blood oozing out of his ear and identifies him as Dietrick Mannheim. He also sees the scoff marks on the wall.
Shawn: Isn’t it kind of weird how the body’s just shoved in here?
Gus: No, what’s weird is there’s a dead guy in a dumbwaiter, and we’re standing here staring at it, waiting for somebody to find us. Let’s go!
Shawn: This is Lassiter’s suspect.
Gus: Shawn, close the hatch and keep your voice down. I don’t want to explain how we got here.
Shawn: I just need to see one thing.
Shawn’s cellphone rings. He and Gus struggle to get it out of his pocket.
Shawn: You answered it! Uh, hello?
Henry: Three days, Shawn.
Shawn: Dad, hey, gonna have to call you back.
Henry: No, no. You were supposed to call me yesterday. You were supposed to call me the day before. We need to handle this now.
Shawn: Dad, I’m a little busy right now.
Henry: Shawn, just tell me when you are going to come by and pick up the box of trophies?
Shawn: Really tough to be sure.
Henry: Last week you were all gung-ho about getting this stuff back. I went upstairs, I brought it down for you, it’s sitting in the middle of my kitchen table. I need my kitchen table, Shawn.
Shawn: You’re right. Can I please call you back, Dad?
Henry: How about you just give me an answer?
Shawn: Tonight. No. Tomorrow.
Henry: Tomorrow. Wonderful. Otherwise, I am putting it outside and that’s where it’s sitting. Now, how hard is that.
Shawn: So easy. Anything else?
Henry: No, unless, of course, you need something.
Shawn: Nope. I’m good. Well, actually, wait, I do have one question.
Henry: Go ahead.
Shawn: How long does it take before a dead body starts to smell bad?
Henry: Oh, God.
Henry hangs up the phone.
Shawn and Gus exit the kitchen.
Gus: Did you wipe our fingerprints off?
Shawn: Of couse, I did. We were never there.
Gus: We need to call the Chief soon. If Dietrich was a part of this, he’s not anymore.
Detective Lassiter with Detecitve O’Hara see Burton Guster and Shawn Spencer.
Lassiter: Why is it the Attorney General has to call me wondering why some civilian is wandering around grilling his entire family?
Shawn: Wait a second. The Attorney General has your number? What are you guys, tight? Give it up. What’s the story?
Lassiter: He also told me to keep you out of here by any means necessary, which opens up an entire world of exciting possibilities for me, personally.
Shawn: Ow! Aw!
Shawn groans, and pretends to be pulled by some invisible force.
Shawn: Gus! Gus!
Shawn enters the kitchen.
Shawn: Oh, it’s too much! It’s too much!
Detective Lassiter readies to pull out his gun.
Jules: You’re not going to shoot him, are you?
Lassiter: I haven’t decided.
Shawn: Oh, my ear. Gus, my ear. Ah!
Lassiter: Oh, for the love of Mike, you are not gonna escape. Would you just give it up?
Detective Lassiter tries to restrain Shawn Spencer, but he struggles to break free.
Lassiter: Give it up!
Shawn covers Detective Lassiter’s eyes with a towel.
Shawn: Check the dumbwaiter. Open the dumbwaiter, Detective O’Hara!
Detective O’Hara opens the dumbwaiter. The corpse falls down on her.
Jules: Oh, my God!
Detective O’Hara catches the body to prevent it from falling down on the floor. She struggles to keep it in the dumbwaiter.
Jules: Lassiter. Lassiter. Lassy…get over here.
The police team arrives.
Lassiter: Let’s go. Get him in the van. Come on.
Detective Lassiter turns to Shawn and Gus.
Lassiter: You two, out.
Shawn: No. Don’t we get to wait around for the autopsy?
Lassiter: No, we’ll call you if we need you.
Attorney General Maxwell arrives.
Maxwell: Shut this down. Keep it quiet. Nobody in the wedding party is to know about this. They’ve been through enough.
Detective Lassiter shows Attorney General Maxwell where they found the body.
Lassiter: Yes, sir.
Maxwell: So, this is it.
Shawn: Well, that ought to keep them busy for a while.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster return to Detective Lassiter’s room.
Gus: Can we at least watch the tape in another room besides Lassiter’s?
Shawn: Gus, he’s not coming back.
Gus: Are you sure about that?
Shawn: Yes, didn’t you check his messages? Are you gonna have some cookies?
Shawn: Do you wanna finish my banana?
Gus: I want to leave.
Shawn and Gus watch the video of the family putting the heirloom in the safe.
Shawn: Look at the best man. He’s smashed. And look at his hair. It’s horrible.
Gus: That’s it?
Shawn: We have to watch it again.
There’s a knock on the door.
Shawn: It’s open.
Gus: It’s open? What are you doing?
Dylan enters the room with a box of beer.
Dylan: Oh, what am I early?
Shawn: Big Dyl, you’re right on time.
Shawn turns to Gus and gasps.
Shawn: Did I forget to mention that we’re hosting the bachelor party?
Gus turns his back on Shawn and walks to the bar counter. Dylan offers him a bottle of beer.
Gus: No, thank you.
Later, more guests arrive.
Shawn: He says, “Uh-oh. I thought you said you wanted it inside the piñata.”
Shawn: Eat. Eat like men.
Shawn runs to Gus who is sulking by the bar counter.
Shawn: You’re really mad?
Gus: We have less than twelve hours to solve the case, and you’re throwing a kegger in a police officer’s room. Why would I be mad?
Shawn: Gus, his best man was a total washout, he wasn’t gonna plan anything.
Gus: We have to dig information out of suspects, and you’re wasting time.
Dylan: Dude. You, wow! Yes, wow!
Shawn: Gus here has some questions for you, you flaxen-haired Argonaut.
Dylan: Anything for you two. I love you guys.
Shawn: I’ve found that they’re particularly forthcoming with information while in this state. For example, I’ve eliminated every suspect here. Although there is a guy stealing cable and another refilling his minibar bottles with shampoo, but I don’t think those are gateway crimes to a jewelry heist.
Dylan who is already drunk goes over to Gus and Shawn.
Dylan: Seriously, Gus, come on, give me a kiss. No, no, nothing weird, on my cheek.
Gus turns to Shawn.
Gus: Get me out of here.
Shawn: I think it’s your turn to dig.
Gus: Do you know who stole the ring?
Dylan: No, and to be honest, I don’t care. I didn’t even want the damn thing. Okay. The night that we announced our engagement, no, my Dad stops dinner right in the middle of my speech. So, he goes and gets my grandmother’s ring. What am I supposed to say? No? So, now it’s not about us, it’s about him again. I mean, forget the fact that I just chose the person that I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I don’t wanna seem ungrateful, but if it were up to me, I’d sooner just stop looking.
Gus: Cross him off.
Shawn: Dylan, how is Dad? I mean, financially, would you say everything is, uh…
Dylan closes his eyes, and he passes out falling off his chair on to the floor.
Gus: So much for that.
Shawn: Dylan was the only shot we had in this room, but that’s okay. We have other suspects in this hotel.
Shawn hands Gus a bottle of beer.
Shawn: At least take a traveler.
Gus leaves the beer on the counter.
Shawn and Gus are in the bridal shower drinking shots.
Shawn: Oh! Sweet nectar. Yeah. All right. Crazy running into guys here. What are the odds? Whoa!
Shawn and Gus sit on the couch.
Gus: You got anything? These girls are not criminals.
Shawn: Whoa! It was worth a shot.
Lacey, the maid of honor, sits beside Shawn.
Lacey: You wanna get out of here?
Shawn: Yes, I do.
Lacey leads Shawn out the hotel room. The two walk at the lobby.
Shawn: So, how are you holding up?
Lacey: I’m good. My dad brought in all this extra security for some reason.
Shawn: Can he afford that?
Lacey: What do you mean?
Shawn: I don’t know, it’s just…it was a tough year financially for a lot of people…
Lacey: What are you getting at?
Shawn: I’m just making random conversation.
Lacey: Here’s my bouquet.
Lacey shows Shawn the bouquet for the wedding as they happen to pass by the freezer that holds the flowers.
Shawn: Oh, it’s fantastic.
Lacey: Well, it’s sub-par. I was rushed. All that craziness. I wish I could fix it.
Shawn: Well, let’s just take it out.
Shawn tries to open the freezer.
Lacey: It’s locked.
Shawn: They lock up flowers?
Lacey: Hmm. I bet you could open it. You have good hands.
The elevator door dings, and out comes Gus with his shirt open, and shaving cram on his chest and head.
Shawn: Excuse me.
Gus: You left me in there!
Shawn: Yes, I did. And you’re very welcome.
Gus: I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!
Shawn: What? What do you mean? Like an impersonator?
Gus: No, I think it was actually Patrick Swayze. I’m going home. We’re done. All we’ve done is eliminate suspects. We’re back where we started.
Shawn: Oh, Gus, we’re fine. We’ve got the whole wedding ceremony tomorrow to solve the case.
Gus: Oh, oh, okay. So, we can do what an entire police force can’t in two hours?
Shawn: Hmm. Okay, you’re right. We should totally get there half an hour early.
The next day, the day of the wedding, Shawn Spencer all dressed up enters the bride’s room.
Shawn: Uh! You are the most beautiful bride in this room.
Bethany. Oh, thank you.
Shawn hands Bethany his gift.
Shawn: Does anyone need help?
Lacey: The bouquets still aren’t here. We might as well not even have the ceremony.
Shawn: Okay, you, relax. Breathe. Think happy thoughts like puffy clouds, mac and cheese, Lou Diamond Phillips.
The cart carrying the bouquets of flowers arrives.
Shawn: Look, it worked.
Lacey pushes Shawn aside when the cleaning lady takes out one of the bouquets.
Lacey: What are you doing?
Cleaning Lady: Helping.
Lacey: No, those bouquets are very specific.
Cleaning Lady: They look identical, ma’am.
Bethany: Oh, it’s my wedding, shouldn’t I be the one freaking out?
Shawn: Oh, there’ll be plenty of time for that later.
Lacey: Where is it? Where? Where’s my bouquet?
Bethany: She’s really a very nice person under normal circumstances.
Shawn approaches Lacey.
Shawn: Lace? Everything okay up here? You all right?
Lacey: Yeah. Sorry. I think I’m having sympathy Bridezilla. I’m good now.
Bethany: Emma doesn’t wanna wear the flower in her hair.
Lacey walks to the young girl.
Lacey: But these are magic flowers.
Lacey plays a magic trick on the young girl and pulls out a flower out of the girl’s ear. Lacey gasps. The girl’s face light up.
Lacey: Do you want one now?
Emma now all smiles, nods in agreement.
Detective Lassiter is talking to the concierge.
Concierge: I don’t know what to tell you, sir, but these are the charges.
Lassiter: Sixteen hundred dollars for a junior suite? With a queen bed?
Concierge: Well, the room was a small portion. However, it’s all your room charges that drove up your bill.
Lassiter: I was hardly even in the room.
The concierge chuckles.
Concierge: I’m sorry, Detective Lassiter, but that’s what it says here.
The bellboy overhears their conversation.
Bellboy: This isn’t Detective Lassiter.
Lassiter: I beg your pardon?
Bellboy: Oh, he’s a shorter guy. Brown hair, suede jacket. Helped him fill the Jacuzzi with champagne last night.
Lassiter: Really? If I brought this man here, could you identify him?
Bellboy: Oh, absolutely. In fact, I can tell you where he is. He’s over at the Maxwell wedding. The chapel is just outside the east lawn.
Lassiter: I’ll be right back.
At the chapel, the Maxwell wedding has already commenced.
Minister: “I, Dylan, take you Bethany.”
Dylan: I, Dylan, take you Bethany.
Minister: “To be my wife.”
Dylan: To be my wife.
Detective Lassiter enters the chapel followed by Detective O’Hara.
Shawn Spencer turns around enough to see them enter the chapel.
Minister: “Confidant of my heart.”
Dylan: Confidant of my heart.
Minister: “That you will be a faithful friend.”
Gus peeps inside the chapel.
Dylan: That you will be a faithful friend.
Gus enters the chapel.
Minister: “And a true and loving companion.”
Detective Lassiter glares at him.
Dylan: And a true and loving companion.
Minister: “I give to you my sacred vow.”
Gus walks passed Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara.
Gus: Excuse me.
Dylan: I give to you my sacred vow.
Detective Lassiter follows Gus, but Detective O’Hara stops him.
Jules: I think we should wait until the ceremony is over.
Gus sits beside Shawn.
Gus: Nice suit. Where’d you get that from?
Shawn: Gus, don’t underestimate me, or my wardrobe.
Gus sees the tag under the lapel.
Gus: You might want to remove…
Shawn: Whooo! Don’t pull that off! Don’t, don’t don’t, don’t.
Shawn hides the label back under the lapel.
Shawn: Just slide it.
Gus turns around. Lassiter pulls out his hotel room key. Gus turns around.
Gus: They’re here for you.
Shawn: Not if I solve this case first.
Gus: Good plan. You got about five minutes.
Shawn: I already know who did it.
Gus: No, you don’t. How is that possible? Between al that, when you said your girlfriend just had an aneurysm because she got the wrong bouquet, you had time to put all that out of your mind and solve the case?
Minister: And now for a moment of silence.
All bow their heads.
Shawn: Gus, I seriously do have a guess.
Gus: Probability of being right?
Shawn: I don’t know, uh, high sixties.
Gus: Close your mouth.
Shawn: But the person’s in the room.
The lady two rows in front of them turns around and shushes.
Shawn: The thief could potentially escape. Shouldn’t I stop he wedding?
Gus: No. Under no circumstances are you allowed to stop this wedding.
Minister: If there’s any reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
Shawn turns to Gus. Gus shakes his head, but Shawn speaks up anyway.
Shawn: I have something. It’s not necessarily marriage-related. I hope that’s not a problem.
Minister: Sir, please.
Shawn: I know who stole the ring.
Lacey: You cannot do this, Shawn. This wedding has taken over a year to plan.
Detective O’Hara pulls out her radio. Detective Lassiter turns to her.
Lassiter: What are you doing?
Jules: Radioing the Chief.
Shawn: I can see it.
Detective O’Hara calls on the Chief.
Jules: Chief Vick?
Shawn: I can feel it. I can now feel the ring. It’s in this room. It’s in the room. It’s in this room.
Gus pulls Shawn to sit.
Gus: They wouldn’t bring a stolen ring to the ceremony, you moron.
Shawn: They would if they couldn’t get to it till today.
Shawn stands up again.
Shawn: Lacey, I’m so sorry. And believe me when I say, I really, really, really wish it wasn’t you.
Lacey: Me? Are you crazy? I’m the one who’s done all the work.
Shawn: Yes, you are. And we’re all very impressed, but it was also an excellent cover, wasn’t it?
Lacey: You are crazy, Shawn. And, by the way, we’re officially off for next Friday.
Shawn starts his psychic visions.
Shawn: Oh, boy! I can see it now. You were at the dinner table. They’re announcing the engagement. You’re thrilled, of course. You and Bethany have been best friends forever. Dad…Dad has a surprise for the happy couple. What could it be?
The flashback shows Attorney General Maxwell presenting Bethany the heirloom ring.
Shawn: Wait a minute. You didn’t know the ring was going to Dylan. You were always your grandmother’s favorite, and you’re the oldest girl. That ring should be yours, right? Right. You were counting on that ring. It was your future. Oh!
Shawn gasps and falls on his knees.
Shawn: Sorry. I can see you plotting. I can see you plotting right there at the dinner table. But, but Dad…Dad throws a curve ball. No, it was a slider. He’s overly cautious because sometimes engagements end. Not you guys. It’s okay.
A flashback ensues.
Shawn: They’re not letting go of the ring until the wedding, which means you have a very small window within which to grab it.
Minister: Does all of this have anything to do with why these two shouldn’t be married?
Shawn: No, sir. No. It doesn’t at all, actually.
Shawn clears his throat.
Shawn: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Shawn’s ring finger starts to shake.
Shawn: Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
The shaking stops.
Shawn: Of course, you insisted it be used during the rehearsal so then you had your chance.
The Chief arrives.
Shawn: While everyone else was fawning over the ring, you made one final adjustment.
The flashback of Lacey accidentally pushing Bethany as she puts the ring back in the box before they put it inside he safe.
Shawn: It looked like you just straightened it out and put it right back, but you never did, did you? No, Lacey, because you have magic hands, which I was really looking forward to on Friday. Everyone was fooled. Everyone was fooled except Dietrick Mannheim, who hadn’t yet discovered how to use this information to his benefit.
Lacey: This is first-rate fiction, Shawn. Unfortunately, there’s no evidence.
Shawn: There would have been no evidence if you could have gotten away that night.
Shawn pretends to see psychic visions agains.
Shawn: But there was a problem.
Shawn groans and walks over to the wall, and beside a pot of flowers.
Shawn: Yes, you were called away.
Shawn sniffs the flowers.
Shawn: The florist.
A flashback of Bethany receiving a call ensues.
Shawn: The florist bailed on you. The bouquets. You got a last minute batch of materials, and the bouquets would now have to be crafted by hand. There was no other time but now. You looked for a way out, but there was none. You had a five million dollar ring that was about to be discovered missing any minute, hidden in your palm, and you were gonna have to pull an all-nighter in a room with eight other people.
In the flashback, Lacey puts the ring beneath the bouquet of flowers she was making.
Shawn: You thought you could get back into the cooler later and grab it, but they kept their flowers locked up. So, you had to have your specific bouquet, or else. Lacey, you’re not an unreasonable person. You’re just a thief.
The guests start murmuring.
Shawn: Or at least you were a thief, until Dietrich Mannheim called and told you that he was on to you.
Flashback: Lacey is arguing with Dietrich Mannheim in the kitchen.
Shawn: He wanted a piece of that action, too. Or he was going to the police. You tried to talk him down, but he got rough.
Flashback: Lacey hits Dietrich Mannheim with the fire extinguisher on the head.
Shawn: It got ugly. It was all spinning out of control. Eventually, they were going to find that body, so you started laying out clues. You sent the police off in all directions, because you’d grown up hearing all about crime scenes. I would say that’s fortuitous, because you knew just what to leave, didn’t you?
Lacey: I have worked eighteen hours a day on this wedding. I have sacrificed my weekends. I will not be treated this way.
Shawn: Then show us your bouquet, Lacey.
Lacey starts to run.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa. She’s running? In those heels, really?
Gus: We have to chase her, too?
Shawn: But we have no evidence except for that ring!
Lacey runs, Shawn, Gus, the police, and even the guests try to catch her, but it was her grandmother that caught her. Lacey trips on the foot of her grandmother who is sleeping outside by the gifts. Gus catches the bouquet. Gus pulls out the stolen ring from under the bouquet.
Shawn: Dude, you’re next.
Later, Detective Lassiter leads Shawn Spencer to the front desk.
Shawn: Come on. You’re still angry, even after I solved your crime?
Detective Lassiter presents Shawn Spencer to the bellboys.
Lassiter: Is this the man?
The bellboy turns to the concierge who shakes his head.
Lassiter: This guy was not in my room?
The bellboy turns once again to the concierge. Detective Lassiter looks at the concierge.
Bellboy: I’ve never seen him before.
Shawn: You got a room? Why? Oh! We should have a party.
Lassiter: Get out of my sight.
Detective Lassiter walks away.
Shawn speaks with a British accent.
Shawn: Thank you, Bobby. Interpol appreciates both of your efforts.
In the police station, the police escort Lacey.
Shawn: I love weddings. Don’t you?
Gus: I didn’t exactly think it was appropriate for you to give the toast.
Shawn: Well, the best man was unprepared. Someone had to step in. Besides, it was like a practice run for your wedding.
Gus: You are not gonna be my best man.
Shawn: You bet your ass I am. I’ve already picked out which song I’m singing at the altar.
Shawn: You still like Ted Nugent?
Gus walks away.
Shawn: Remind me to show you your vows. They’re going to make you cry. Gus.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece” episode was written by Steve Franks. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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