Monday, December 1, 2008

Love Means Never Having to Say Geronimo – Wings Transcript 2.18

Brian Hackett and his fiancee prepare to skydiveA man and his wife walk over to Sandpiper Air’s counter.

Man: I need twoseats on your 4:15 to Boston, please.
Fay: Oh, of course, Mr. Smith. It’s so nice to see you again.
Man: The name’s Beekman, not Smith.
Fay: Oh, no, it couldn’t be. I never forget a face. You’re John Smith. For the last three Fridays you’ve been flying to Boston with your lovely wife, Jane.   Continue reading...

Fay turns to the woman beise Mr. Beekman.

Fay: Do you know his wife?
Woman: I AM his wife.
Mr. Beekman: Honey, she’s obviously confused. Why don’t we try that airline over there?
Mrs. Beekman: Like hell. Let me guess. Jane is about 5’6”, blonde from a bottle with a chest out to here?

Mrs. Beekman gestures the woman having large breasts.

Fay: Uh, maybe here.

Fay gestures the woman having breasts not as large as Mrs. Beekman thought it to be.

Mrs. Beekman turns to Mr. Beekman.

Mrs. Beekman: You said it was over. You said it was ancient history. You had better get yourself a good lawyer.

Mrs. Beekman leaves Mr. Beekman.
Fay turns to Mr. Beekman.

Fay: So, a one to Boston, then?

Later that night, Helen Chapel and Joe Hackett are at home eating Chinese food while watching T.V.

Helen: Hey, Joe, you want the last potsticker?
Joe: Are potstickers those slimy, white, puffy things?
Helen: Uh-huh.
Joe: Yeah.

Helen passes Joe the box of potstickers.

Helen: Isn’t this wonderful? This is the first Friday night that we’ve been alone since we’ve going out.

Helen sits beside Joe. Joe puts his arm around Helen.

Helen: How’d you get rid of Brian?
Joe: Mmm, I told him it’d be a good idea if he went downtown and got some ice cream. He pretty much got the hint.
Helen: Good work.

Brian Hackett arrives whistling carrying with him a paper bag.

Joe: What are you doing here?
Brian: You told me to go get some ice cream, and I went and got some ice cream. I mean, you were hinting hard enough, Joe, jeez! Oh, and I picked up this great, great film.

Brian pulls out from the paper bag a videotape. Brian stands in front of the television.

Joe: Uh-uh, oh Brian.
Brian: The video store was a total madhouse. I mean, ordinarily mature civilized people wrestling on the floor over a copy of The Goonies.

Brian puts his rented videotape.

Helen: Brian, we were watching this film.
Joe: Brian, hey…
Brian: Yeah, no, no, no. This is even better. This is even better. It’s Samurai Without a Name.

Brian sits beside Helen.

Brian: Yeah, it’s considered a classic of the Japanese cinema, a film of underrated beauty and power.
Joe: Since when do you know so much about Japanese movies?
Brian: I don’t, I read it off the box.
Helen: Brian, we were—
Brian: Of course, the true way to enjoy this is with the sound off.

Brian turns off the sound. He stands beside the television, laughs, and starts talking with a Japanese accent.

Brian: How do you like my new Robe? I got it on sale. It makes you look like a girl. How dare you make fun of my clothes? Prepare to die.

The Japanese samurai on TV slashes another samurai with his sword.

Brian: Ow!
Helen: Hey—
Brian: Put that saver down!
Helen: Brian, why don’t you, um, go get us some bowls for that ice cream?
Brian: Oh, good idea.
Helen: Yeah.
Brian: Okay, great, and while I’m in there, I’ll look for some cups, too. They make great horse hoof sounds.

Helen feigns a laugh.
Brian enters the kitchen.
Helen turns to Joe.

Helen: You have a choice. You either get your brother out of here or I will kill him and bury him in a shallow grave out back.
Joe: I think I saw a shovel out in the garage.
Helen: Someone has to tell him that we’re not the three musketeers anymore. You and I are dating, now.
Joe: Ok, all right. Ok, ok. When he comes back, in here we’ll, uh, tell him—
Helen: Oh, “wel’ll”? No, there’s no “wel’ll” here. You’re gonna tell him. He’s your brother.
Joe: Am I gonna be punished for that my whole life? All right, ok, ok, I’ll tell him.

Brian returns.

Brian: Did I miss any decapitations?
Joe: No. Listen, Brian—
Brian: Ah, here we are, here’s my favorite part. Here’s my favorite part. I’m tired of making war. Let’s sing! Good idea. I brought my sheet music. It’s in the key of C, on my downbeat…

Brian starts singing.

Brian: Me and you and a dog named boo livin’ on the—

Joe turns off the television.

Joe: Brian, Helen and I want to be alone.
Brian: What Samurai says that?
Joe: No, it’s not that we don’t ever want to hang out with you. It’s just that, uh, we need some time to ourselves. You understand that.
Brian: Uh, yeah, yeah, you don’t want me around.
Joe: Oh, come on, Brian, if—if the tables were turned would you want me hanging around?
Brian: Of course not, but I’m a lot more fun than you are.

Joe raises his voice so Helen who is in the kitchen could hear.

Joe: Look, it’s just that we’re in a relationship now.

Joe starts whispering to Brian.

Joe: This isn’t my idea. It’s Helen’s.

Joe returns to his normal voice.

Joe: And, uh, we need some time to ourselves.

Joe whispers to Brian.

Joe: I like having you around.

Joe returns to his normal voice.

Joe: But, I’m sorry, but that’s just the way it is.

Joe starts whispering again.

Joe: Helen is in a really bad mood today.
Brian: Don’t give me that. I bet if I asked Helen she’d say she wanted me to stay.

Helen yells from the kitchen.

Helen: No, she wouldn’t.
Joe: Look, Brian, you’re great with women. Why don’t you just go out and find somebody nice?
Brian: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re right. This—this may be just the kick in the pants I need to get my life back on track. Or it could mean years of intensive therapy.
Joe: Yeah.

Brian leaves. Helen peeps from the kitchen. Joe closes the door. Helen comes out of the kitchen.

Helen: He probably hates me now, doesn’t he?
Joe: No, not at all. I pretty much kept you out of it.

At the Tom Nevers Airfield, Fay speaks on the P.A.

Fay: Announcing the departure of Flight 27 to Provincetown. We at Sandpiper Air request you please refrain from taking flash pictures during takeoff or landing as this temporarily blinds our pilot.

Kenny salutes at the passengers.

Fay: Thank you.

Joe Hackett steps out of his office, and walks over to Kenny.

Joe: I’m sorry, Kenny. Brian still hasn’t shown up. You’re gonna have to take another flight.
Kenny: Oh, no sweat, sir. I’ll, uh, just get my guidance counselor to write me a pass. Yeah, I can just tell him I’m going on a field trip.
Brian: Think he’ll buy that?
Kenny: Oh, yeah, yeah. He’ll sign just about anything I put in front of him. By the end of the day, he’s pretty much loaded.
Brian: Good.

Helen is at the lunch counter and calls to Joe.

Helen: Still no sign of Brian?
Joe: No, I’m getting worried about it. He didn’t even come home last night. We must have really hurt his feelings.
Helen: Oh, I’m sure he’ll be ok.
Lowell: You know, this reminds me of a funny story about my Uncle Emmett. Seems one day he disappeared. No one could find him. Then somebody had the good sense to look into his well. Sure enough, there he was.

Lowell laughs.

Helen: He was ok?
Lowell: Nope, deader than a doornail. He was wedged in there pretty good, too. Took a tow truck wench to yank him out. Came out a foot taller than he went in.
Helen: Lowell, that’s not a funny story. That is a tragic, horrible story.
Lowell: By God, you’re right.
Joe: I’m gonna call the police.

Brian arrives at the terminal.

Brian: Mon frere!
Joe: Brian, where the hell have you been?

Brian kisses Joe on both of his cheeks.

Joe: I’ve been worried sick about you.
Brian: Ah, been in, uh, Paris.
Joe: Yeah, right.
Brian: No, really. ‘cause after you guys booted me out last night I went out to the tin whistle, met this woman. She has led an incredible life, climbed the north face of the Eiger, ok. Kayaked down the Ganges. She even competed in the Iditarod Dogsled Race. She would’ve won if that dog hadn’t frozen.
Joe: I don’t believe you.
Brian: Oh, ok, she definitely would’ve been in the top three. Anyway, we got to talking, right. Next thing I know, I’m winging my way to Paris on the family jet to have lunch at La Mazere.
Helen: Family jet? She must be well-off.
Brian: You know that expression “stinking rich”? Well, “P” and might I say “U”.
Joe: You’re making this up.

Joe turns to Helen.

Joe: He’s making this up.

Brian’s new lover arrives.

Brian: Hello, gorgeous.
Woman: Come here, you.

Brian and the woman embrace each other and starts passionately kissing each other.

Brian: Did you use to play the trumpet? Never mind.

Brian with still one arm around the woman walks over to Joe and Helen.

Brian: Gwen Homes, this is my brother, Joe, and Helen Chapel his little crouton.
Gwen: Oh, it is really great to meet you.

Joe extends his hand. Gwen hugs him. She then hugs Helen.

Joe: I guess it is.
Gwen: Oh, Brian’s told me so much about you. I feel close to you already.
Brian: And hold on to your berets. Here’s the really big news. Gwen and I have decided to get married.
Joe: You’re getting married? No, you’re kidding.
Helen: Brian.
Brian: Oh, listen, I know it’s impetuous but I cannot help myself. I’ve never been in love like this before.
Gwen: Brian and I believe in following our impulses, and my impulse says marry this big galoot. You know, it’s like my father always says, “ You gotta take a big bite out of life and just let the juices drip down your chin”.
Brian: Is it any wonder, I love her?

Brian and Gwen start kissing and moaning. Gwen pushes Brian’s head away.

Gwen: Oh, hold it. Hold it. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it. I just got another gut feeling.
Brian: Oh, listen up, guys. Her gut knows what it’s talking about.
Gwen: We get married on your plane.
Brian: Uh-huh.
Gwen: Then, after the “I do’s”, we skydive into our life together.
Brian: Oh, I love that. I—I love that. Now, let—let’s--let’s make all our plans that way. No plans. Well, that is a plan. Forget what I just said.
Joe: Brian, can we talk to you in my office for a second?
Brian: Sure, sure, sure.
Gwen: Whoa, careful Brian, this is the part where they tell you you’re crazy, and try to talk you out of it.

Joe and Helen lead Brian to the Sandpiper Air office.

Joe: Oh, no, we wouldn’t do that.
Brian: Of, course not. They’re just gonna criticize your looks, and dissect your personality.

Helen laughs, and Brian laughs as well.

Helen: We won’t be long.

Joe closes the office’s door.

Joe: Brian, if this is because we kicked you out last night you’re overreacting.
Brian: No, no.
Helen: Brian, you can’t go through with this. You don’t even know her.
Brian: Oh, Helen. Helen. Words cannot describe how I feel. I—it’s—I feel—I feel whole with Gwen. Like there was this missing part of me that I never realized. We fit, you know. I guess words can describe it.

Gwen knocks on the door then enters.

Gwen: Uh, since this does concern me, seems like I ought to be involved in the discussion.
Brian: Come on in, mon petit chou.

Brian sits on top of Joe’s desk.

Gwen: Is it safe to assume that you’re still at the, “You hardly know her, why not take your time” part?
Helen: Mmm.
Joe: Look, look, Gwen, I’m sure you’re really a very nice person. It’s just that—that--
Gwen: That we just met and getting married is a big step. Why not wait, see if you’re compatible first? After all the foundation for a lasting relationship, it takes time to build.
Joe: Exactly.
Gwen: Ah, bull.

Brian exclaims.

Brian: She nails him with a haymaker. That’s gotta hurt!
Helen: Gwen, it takes time to be comfortable in a relationship.
Gwen: Comfortable? You want comfortable, you get a barcalounger.
Joe: Well, take—take Helen and me, for example. We got a great relationship.

Joe walks over next to Helen.

Helen: Yeah.
Joe: But it’s taken sometime to develop.
Helen: Yeah, it doesn’t happen overnight.
Gwen: Well, how long have you two known one another?
Joe: Twenty years.
Gwen: Twen—y—you’ve known one another for twenty years, and you still haven’t made a commitment? I’m sorry, but what the hell are you waiting for?
Helen: Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.
Joe: Yeah, a lot more complicated.

Helen looks at Joe.

Joe: Well, a little more complicated.
Gwen: Yeah, it’s only complicated if it’s wrong. All right, look, let’s get down to the bottom of this. What is it that you’re not sure about?
Joe: Well, I—I guess it’s that—wa—wait a minute someplace along the line, here, we seem to have gotten off the subject at hand, which is you and Brian.
Gwen: Do you love Helen?
Joe: Well, love is a—well, the thing is when you have deep feelings…
Gwen: Helen, do you love Joe?
Helen: Now, now, what you’re asking is…see, I’ve known Joe for a long time, and Joe and I realize…

Joe and Helen talk at the same time.

Gwen: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that, uh, you both were so unsure of your feelings for one another.
Helen: Unsure of your feelings for one another? What—

Joe and Helen look at each other confused with Gwen’s remark.

Helen: I love Joe.
Joe: And I love Helen. Yeah.
Helen: Really? Or are you just saying that ‘cause I said that?
Joe: No, no, really.
Gwen: But you never want to get married.
Helen: We didn’t say that.
Joe: No. We didn’t say—you’re making--putting words in our mouth, and you’re getting off the subject.

Joe points at Brian who just smiles.

Gwen: Oh, so you do want to get married?
Joe: Well, marriage is—that—the—the tradition of marriage is—
Gwen: Helen?
Helen: I firmly believe…

Both Helen and Joe stammer.

Brian: Here we go again!
Helen: All right, damn it. This is not about us.
Gwen: Oh, sure it is. See, you don’t want Brian to get married, because it casts doubt on your own relationship.

Gwen turns to Joe.

Gwen: Joe, is there something wrong with Helen that keeps you from proposing?
Joe: Of course not.

Helen is on the verge of crying.

Helen: What’s wrong with me?

Joe rushes to Helen’s side.

Joe: Helen, there’s nothing wrong with you.
Gwen: Then why are you both so afraid to make a commitment?
Joe: I’m not afraid!
Helen: Neither am I!
Gwen: All right then do it! Be spontaneous put the fire back in your relationship! Joe, you’ve known her for twenty years. You love her. There is nothing keeping you from proposing. Do you want to marry her, Joe? Do you? Do you?!
Joe: Yes! Yes! Yes! Ok, all right?
Gwen: All right! And Helen, do you want to marry Joe? Now, don’t let him down. Just match his fire with your own.

Helen speaks with a cracked nervous voice.

Helen: Yes, I want to marry him.
Gwen: That’s great! Then we make it a double ceremony on Sunday.

Brian has a big smile on his face.

Joe: Sunday?! Hah!

Joe hugs Helen with one arm.

Joe: Saturday!

Brian exclaims. Brian and Gwen both hug Helen and Joe.

Brian: He’s a maniac.

Gwen takes Brian’s hand and they make their way to the door. Brian stops and looks at Joe.

Brian: Hey, what’s that on your chin, brother?

Joe feels his chin.

Brian: It’s the juices of life, big guy.

Brian and Gwen leave. Joe and Helen remain in the office.

Joe: Hey! Getting married Saturday.
Helen: I know.
Joe: What’s today?

Helen nervously answers.

Helen: Friday.
Joe: Afternoon. How do you feel about it?

Helen sighs.

Helen: Well, I guess—I guess it’s kind of—
Joe: You don’t want to get married either?
Helen: No!
Joe: Oh, thank God! Thank God! Thank God!

Joe laughs.

Helen: You don’t have to be so relieved, Joe,
Joe: Oh, no, Helen. It’s just that, uh, I think that we should go at our own speed. Take it nice and slow.
Helen: Right, I can’t believe we let that woman talk us into this.
Joe: Yeah, we’re not gonna get bullied into getting married by anyone. Uh, but I think we should tell Brian and Gwen. You tell Gwen, I tell Brian.
Helen: No! I’ll tell Brian, you tell Gwen.
Joe: I don’t want to. I’m afraid of her.
Helen: So am I.
Joe: All right, then we’ll tell her together.

The next day, Brian is at the terminal wearing a yellow jumpsuit and holding a helmet.

Fay: Uh, Brian?
Brian: Yeah?
Fay: Have you and Gwen decided where you’re going on your honeymoon?
Brian: Oh, well, uh, either a twenty-four-day survival trek across the Kalahari or Disney World.
Fay: My first husband George and I had an interesting honeymoon. We went to Paris and to Athens.
Brian: Oh, that’s great, Fay. That’s nice.
Fay: Well, not exactly. We went to Paris, Illinois and Athens, Ohio. That was George’s idea of a joke. I knew at that moment I should have married his brother.

Roy walks over to Brian.

Roy: Well, kid, good luck.

Roy shakes Brian’s hand.

Brian: Oh.
Roy: These are your last few minutes of freedom.
Brian: Huh-uh. Thanks a lot, Roy. Thanks a lot. And—and I’m sorry we couldn’t invite you to the wedding, but we ran out of seats on the plane—
Roy: I’ll just stand out on the runway, and see if your chutes open.
Joe: Hey, Brian. We got a big problem. The minister just called, he’s come down with the flu.
Brian: No, now where am I gonna find a minister at the last minute?

Roy clears his throat.

Roy: Well, uh, I happen to be a minister in the Church of Universal Harmony.
Brian: You’re kidding.
Roy: No, no. I sent in the $25, they sent me a certificate. It’s a tax dodge.
Brian: Now, now, Roy, really, you—you can marry us?
Roy: Oh, sure, for a small donation. My church needs a new waterbed.

Lowell arrives with a Tupperware on his hand.

Lowell: Am I late for the wedding?
Brian: Lowell, baby, you are right on time!
Lowell: Good, ‘cause I brought the rice.

Lowell removes the lid.

Joe: Uh, Lowell, the rice isn’t supposed to be cooked.
Lowell: How do you get it to stick?
Fay: Here they come.

Fay sings on the P.A.

Fay: “Here comes the bride all dressed in whi—

Joe unplugs the microphone. The microphone emits a feedback. Fay taps on the microphone.

Brian: Thanks, bro.
Joe: No problem.

Helen hands Gwen a bouquet of flowers.

Helen: I really wish you the best, Gwen.
Gwen: Thanks.
Helen: You know, I—I—I’ve always dreamed of my wedding day. Never did it involve walking the aisle with a parachute strapped to my back.
Gwen: Well, Helen, you’ve had a parachute strapped to your back your whole life.
Helen: Now, shut up.
Gwen: What?!
Helen: I’m sorry. Um, some people cry at weddings. I get bitchy.

Inside the Sandpiper airplane, Kenny is the pilot.

Kenny: Ok, we’re over the drop area now.

Brian hands Joe and Helen masks.

Brian: Uh, sorry.
Joe: What are these for?
Brian: Uh, Gwen decided last night that we’d incorporate some of the rituals from the Coalachocti marriage ceremony.
Gwen: They’re a stone age tribe I lived with in the rain forests of Brazil. They believe that we all have an animal spirit guide that leads us through life.
Roy: H-hoy! And I thought my church was a crock.
Helen: Where are your masks?
Brian: Oh, the bride and he groom don’t wear any. Just the wedding party.
Joe: I don’t want to be the fog. I want to be the tiger.

Joe points at Helen’s mask.

Helen: Joe, you can’t just change your animal spirit guide. This is a fundamental part of us that goes back to the day we were born. Right, Gwen?
Gwen: Nah, you can change, if you want.

Joe grabs Helen’s mask, and hands him his.

Lowell: Don’t I get a mask?
Gwen: Sure, Lowell.

Gwen pulls out another mask.

Gwen: Here. This is the Toucan. It’s the wisest creature in the jungle.

Lowell turns to Fay who is already wearing her mask.

Lowell: Ha! Did you hear that? I’m the wisest.

Lowell puts on his mask upside down.

Fay: You have it on upside down, dear.
Brian: Okay, Roy. Anytime you’re ready.
Roy: Uh-huh. We, uh, we—we are gathered here to witness the joining together of two souls, Brian Michael Hackett, and Gwendolyn Suzanne Holmes. Uh, now, let me see here. According to the customs in the Coalachocti ceremony the guests should offer their Jooja filled with goat’s milk or if they’re not from royal lineage their ox bladder filled with river stones.
Fay: Oh, no, I feel like such an idiot. I got them a waffle iron.
Roy: Now, the bridal couple should make public to the tribe their feelings for each other.
Gwen: I never feel more alive than when I’m with you.
Brian: I never knew I was alive until I met you.

Roy whistles.

Roy: And now the bridal couple should take a few moments to contemplate the joining of their spirits, and the beginning of their new life together.
Helen: Oh, gosh.

Helen removes her mask. Joe does the same.

Helen: Joe, that could be us.

Joe gives Helen a kiss on the lips.

Joe: Are you sorry it’s not?
Helen: I don’t know. Maybe. Are you?
Joe: I don’t know. Kinda. It’s not too late, you know.
Helen: What are you saying?
Joe: Will you marry me?
Helen: Joe! Well, I think we should—

Joe stammers.

Joe: No, no—for once in our lives, just don’t think. Let’s just do it.

Joe kisses Helen.

Helen: Oh, Joe, it is kind of scary.
Joe: I know, but that’s what makes it exciting.

Helen laughs.

Helen: Ok.
Joe: What? What? Yes?
Helen: Yes. Yes.
Joe: Really?
Helen: Yes.

Joe and Helen kiss. While still kissing, Joe reaches for Roy’s arm.

Joe: Uh, Reverend Biggins, we want to get married too.
Brian: Oh, look, if you don’t wanna put the masks on again, just say so.
Joe: So, what do you say, Roy?
Roy: Well, that, uh, waterbed could use some satin sheets.
Fay: This is so romantic.
Lowell: Does the inside of your mask smell?

Fay shakes her head.

Roy: And now, with the spirit of the great Wahdooba…oh, to hell with this.

Roy turns to Helen.

Roy: Helen, do you take Joe to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Helen: I do.
Roy: Joe, do you take Helen to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Joe: I do.
Roy: Gwen, do you take Brian to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Gwen does not answer.

Roy: Gwen, are you—do you take—
Gwen: Uh—uh, hold it, hold it, hold it. Uh. I’m getting this weird feeling in my gut.
Brian: I’m getting a weird feeling in my gut.
Fay: So am I. Did you have Helen’s egg salad for lunch?
Gwen: Something’s not right here. Look, if I followed my instincts to get into this then I’v got to listen to ‘em now. Brian, we pledged to live our lives spontaneously. What is the most spontaneous thing we could do at a wedding?
Brian and Gwen: Not get married! Oh, I love this woman!
Joe: Wait, wait, Brian, you can’t do that.
Helen: No, don’t—don’t—you can’t walk out on your wedding.
Brian: Oh-hoho! Those stupid schnooks, they just don’t get it.
Gwen: Race you to the ground.
Joe: Don’t—no!

Gwen and Brian make their way to the airplane’s exit.

Helen: Get back here!

Gwen and Brian jump off the plane.
They watch them fall. Roy then turns to Joe and Helen.

Roy: Anyway, by the power vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts—
Joe: H—h—h—hold it. Hold it.

Joe turns to Helen. Helen bites her fingernails.

Joe: Helen?
Helen: Me, either.
Joe: Never mind.

Fay turns to Lowell.

Fay: You know, my mask is starting to smell.
Lowell: Not bad, huh?

Later that night, Joe and Helen are at home sitting on the couch eating pizza.

Helen: Hmm, well, this has been a full day.
Joe: It has. Doesn’t it?
Helen: Joe, was Gwen right about our relationship? Is our relationship—
Joe and Helen: Predictable?
Joe: No way. Look at tonight. We were gonna order Chinese food and at the last minute---pizza!

Helen laughs.

Joe: Is that the act of a predictable couple?
Helen: You’re right. I’m sorry I doubted us.

Brian enters the living room.

Brian: Oh, boy. Hmm, just got off the phone with Gwen. She is an incredible woman. She’s already on her way to Katmandu to go bungee jumping.
Joe: You ok, Brian?
Brian: Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine. Hey, we’ll always have Paris, huh?

Brian puts on his jacket.

Joe: Hey, where are you going?
Brian: I’m gonna go down to the Tin Whistle. Leave you two guys alone—
Helen: No, no, you don’t.
Joe: Come on.
Helen: Sit down. The last time you went out for a drink, we almost got married.
Brian: No, no, no, no.
Joe: Ok, come on, Brian. You can’t go now, look, we’re just about to start Samurai theater.
Helen: Yeah!
Brian: Oh, I’m not in the mood. I don’t wanna…
Joe: Here it is, look. I have a sword. I have a sword and I’m going to stab you with it!
Helen: Oh yeah?
Joe: Yeah.

Joe laughs.

Joe: Hey, we’re good at this.
Brian: You’re making a mockery of my art. Now watch the master.

Brian closes the door, and walks back to the living room.

Brian: “Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream other side! Row, row, row your boat. You in the pony tail you’re not singing.”

Brian changes his voice.

Brian: “This is the last time, I book a discount cruise.”

Brian changes his voice again.

Brian: Ah, quit your complaining we got the Lido deck, are those steaks tender, yet? Almost. Hey, I got a joke for you. Oh, this ought to be funny. Went to my dentist the other day—“

Joe and Helen are making out, while Brian is busy with his Samurai theater.

Brian: I said “Doc, my teeth are yellow.” He said, “ So wear a brown tie.” Well, he’s no Henny Youngman.

This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Love Means Never Having to Say Geronimo” episode was written by Bruce Rasmussen. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.

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