1985, young Shawn Spencer is eating breakfast outside with his dad.
Shawn: This isn’t happening to me!
Henry: What is happening to you, Shawn?
Shawn: Only the worst thing ever! A missing Captain Delicious magic mood ring! Dad, this is a crime. Can you have them arrested?
Henry: First of all, Shawn, no, this is not a crime.
Shawn: Can’t you just haul them in for questioning? Lay into them a little?
Henry: And who is “them”?
Shawn: You know, the cereal people?
Henry: Oh, the cereal people, huh? Well, I’ll tell you what, Shawn, you can spend a lot of time calling 411 to get the number for your cereal people, they’re gonna stick you on hold forever, listening to bad music. Finally, you’re gonna get some dimwitted secretary, who’s gonna take your message, and then she’s gonna throw it in a waste bucket. Or you can use the skills I taught you, and you can outsmart them.
Young Shawn Spencer inspects the box.
Shawn: What am I missing?
Henry: Where is the ring?
Shawn: Well, it’d be at the bottom.
Henry: Not in this box, you’re right. The big old cereal company messed up. So, you grab another box, tough luck.
Henry grabs another box.
Henry: Where’s the ring now?
Shawn: At the bottom. Now, I got to eat the whole box.
Henry turns the box over.
Henry: And where’s the ring now?
Shawn: At the top!
Henry: That’s right. You see, sometimes, Shawn, you don’t have to dig so deep. All you got to do is turn something upside down to make it right side up.
Henry opens the bottom of the box.
Henry: And then…
Henry pulls out the magic mood ring.
Henry: You get your prize.
Shawn: Thanks, Dad!
Present day, Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are eating while walking.
Gus: Explain to me again why we couldn’t sit at a restaurant and eat like civilized people.
Shawn: Moving is good, Gus, it helps the digestion. Plus, you and I never do this anymore.
Gus: What? Eat and jog?
Shawn: No, talk. Just talk. Check in with each other, as men. I wanna know how you are. I wanna know how Gus is.
Gus: Really? Like you’re really asking me?
Shawn: Yes, I’m really asking, because I care.
Gus: Wow, okay. Well, we’ve been working cases nonstop for a month. To be honest, I’m burnt. I just want to take a nap.
Shawn: I couldn’t agree with you more, buddy. I think we should lay low for a bit. No more cases.
Gus: Oh, I’m so glad to hear you say that. I was kinda worried about telling you.
Shawn: Don’t be a silly goose. Now, we’ve had a good talk, I think we both felt it, and look at this. Here we are.
Shawn and Gus stop at a police crime scene.
Gus: What is this, Shawn?
Shawn: Okay, here’s the thing. The police may have found a body, which I may have picked up on my police scanner, which I may have brought with me.
Shawn pulls out from his pocket a police scanner.
Gus: No cases, Shawn.
Shawn: No cases. We go in, we see. We say hello, and we leave.
Gus: Say hello? This is a crime scene. You can’t just walk in there.
Shawn: McNab! Nabby!
Shawn walks toward Officer Buzz McNab followed by Gus. Shawn turns to Gus.
Gus: Buzz? Seriously?
Shawn: That’s his first name. Don’t you ever talk to him?
Gus: Why would I talk to anybody named Buzz?
McNab: Shawn, my man!
Shawn and Buzz do a silly handshake.
Shawn: Pow! Okay with…Yes. You look trim. Somebody made their wedding weight.
McNab: Five more pounds. I’m close. But I still have a month.
Shawn: You’ll get there. You remember my partner?
McNab: Sure, yeah. Matt, right?
Shawn: So, what do you got going on up there? Don’t hold out on me now.
McNab: Looks like suicide. A guy from the phone company found the victim in his apartment. Been up there for a few days already.
Shawn: Few days? You mind if we head up? Take a look. Poke around a little?
McNab: Oh, I don’t know. Lassiter’s up there and he’s in a mood.
Shawn: Yeah, we just, uh, got his coffee.
Shawn takes Gus’ coffee.
Shawn: Wanted to bring it by, make it right.
McNab: Oh, that’s nice of you. He asked me to get it, but this is perfect.
Officer McNab lets Shawn and Gus inside the crime scene. Shawn takes a sip off the coffee.
McNab: Hey, did you just sip that?
Shawn: You don’t taste Lassiter’s coffee before you give it to him? That surprises me, Buzz. He’s so particular. No cream, no sugar…
McNab: It’s three creams, four sugars.
Shawn: Yeah, it is.
Officer McNab chuckles.
Shawn: Sharp as a tack.
Shawn: And fit!
Officer McNab turns around with a big smile on his face. Shawn throws the coffee in the trash.
Inside the apartment, an old man still in his robe lays dead on the couch with a bottle of pills right beside him. Shawn and Gus sneak inside passed Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara.
Jules: We found a note. The body’s been here at least three days. Maybe more. All signs point to a 11-44.
Lassiter: Three 11-44s in four months? There must be something in the water.
Lassiter: All right, ladies and gentlemen, listen up. You know the procedure. I want this done right. I do not want any mistakes.
One of the police officers blows inside a plastic bag before putting the bottle of pills inside.
Lassiter: Hey, blowie. I know you’re new, but next time if you want to get your spit all over the evidence, why don’t you just lick it?
Shawn: Clearly he doesn’t need any more coffee.
Gus: Okay, there is the dead guy. Can we go now?
Shawn: Relax. We just got here. Have some Mee Krob.
Shawn offers Gus his Chinese food.
Gus: How do you just eat when there’s a dead guy laying there?
Shawn: What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?
A forensics agent walks passed Shawn and Gus.
Gus and Shawn follow the forensics agent to the kitchen.
Gus: Act natural.
The guy opens a cupboard. Shawn gasps.
Shawn: That’s it!
Gus: What? What do you see?
Shawn: Red pepper flakes.
Gus: Is that a clue or something?
Shawn: No, it’s a delicious spice, and it’s exactly what my Mee Krob needs. I told you this.
Shawn walks over to the cupboard, and takes the bottle of red pepper flakes.
Gus: What are you doing? This is a crime scene. You can’t touch stuff.
The forensics agent opens the refrigerator. Shawn notices beef being marinated.
Shawn: Seriously, check this out.
The forensics agent leaves. Shawn Spencer opens the refrigerator.
Shawn: A marinating steak?
Gus: What, you want to eat that, too?
Shawn: No, but don’t you find that a little odd?
Gus: That a man would eat a steak?
Shawn: That a man who was ready to kill himself would take the time to marinate a steak for a future meal? Dude. This was not suicide. This was murder.
Shawn walks to the living room followed by Gus. He notices the door chain.
Shawn: The door latch is still intact. Now, I ask you. If you were gonna kill yourself, wouldn’t you want the door to be locked so that no one could barge in on you right in the middle?
Detective Lassiter stands behind Shawn Spencer. Burton Guster tries to alert him with his eyes.
Shawn: What? I don’t…What is it? I don’t…
Lassiter: What in the name of sweet justice are you two doing in my crime scene?
Shawn: Your crime scene? That’s funny. I didn’t see your name on it anywhere.
Lassiter: Hehe! Get out!
Shawn: We are. Just thought you might wanna know that this thing here, not a suicide.
Lassiter: Great. Thanks for that. Really. And thanks also for brining a snack to the crime scene.
Shawn spots a scoff mark on the floor.
Shawn: Oh, boy. Oh!
Shawn falls on his knees holding his chest.
Shawn: I’m sensing a…I’m sensing there was someone here. Someone here in the room with the victim when he died.
Shawn pulls Lassiter’s right leg.
Shawn: Someone with a sliver of grease on his or her shoe.
Detective Lassiter kicks Shawn.
Shawn: Ah! No, I’m not sensing a struggle. No struggle.
Shawn knocks on the coffee table.
Shawn: The door. Did you have to break down the door when you got here?
Jules: No, it was open. Why?
Lassiter: No, no, no. Don’t encourage him.
Detective Lassiter grabs Shawn by the arm.
Lassiter: Get up! McNab! I want you to escort these two men out of here now!
Shawn: Come on. Let me read the witnesses. You know, due diligence.
Lassiter: Spencer, we did the due diligence. It was a suicide. There is no crime. There are no witnesses.
Shawn: You’re wrong! There is a witness.
Shawn Spencer looks at the cat that is licking itself on the couch.
Shawn: There’s a cat. I wanna talk to that cat. As soon as he’s finished licking himself.
The cat purrs.
Shawn: Wow, I’m jealous.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster are outside with the dead man’s cat.
Gus: I can’t believe you took that cat.
Shawn: Gus, they were gonna ship him off to an animal shelter. What choice did I have? Plus, this cat is the lead witness in a major murder investigation. Wanna hold him?
Gus: Oh, no, you don’t. I’m not touching that cat. You took the cat. You carry it.
Shawn: We are right on this thing now. I didn’t have anything substantial. A steak, the chain on the door, a stain on a carpet. I wouldn’t have believed me. We needed an in. Now we have one. Plus, he clearly likes you. Give him a snuggle.
Gus: You know what? I’m actually gonna enjoy this. You having to carry this cat around, pretending you can communicate with it. I’m buying a disposable camera for when you have to clean out its dirty litter box.
Shawn: Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift. A conduit for us to save lives, and he has more integrity in his furry little hand.
Shawn: Paw, than most people have in their whole appendages. Appendages.
Shawn: All of them. Than most people have in all of their appendages combined.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster arrive in their office. The cat meows.
Shawn: Oh, yeah? I think he wants to sleep on your chair. Isn’t it cool?
Gus: How long are you gonna keep this up for?
Shawn: Until we solve the crime?
Gus: Don’t you or your cat get mad at me, but I don’t think there was a crime.
Shawn: Oh, really? You don’t think so?
Gus: No. Try telling that to this poor little guy who is traumatized seeing his owner killed. Tell him.
Shawn Spencer hold the cat in front of Burton Guster’s face. The cat hisses.
Gus: I’m just saying. I can kind of get where Lassiter is coming from. A few suicides is not uncommon.
Shawn: Gus, did you look at the sky today? Blue, clear. And did you feel it out there? Warm. Nice. Statistically, people in mild climates are far less likely to kill themselves. Now, if we were in Vladivostok, we could talk.
Gus: Point is, at the end of the day, this was a fifty-year-old man living alone with a cat.
The cat meows.
Shawn: Do you want down? You can get down.
Shawn puts the cat on the floor.
Shawn: You’re probably right.
Gus: I know I’m right.
Shawn: It was probably a suicide.
Gus: Thank you. That was big of you to admit.
Shawn: I’m just. I’m unclear on one little thing.
Gus: What’s that?
Shawn Spencer pulls out the police scanner from his pocket.
Shawn: How do we explain the second body they just found?
Dispatcher on Radio: Deceased is in the car, over.
Gus and Shawn still carrying the cat arrives at the crime scene.
Shawn: Detective O’Hara. What? You’re here all by yourself?
Detective O’Hara points at Detective Lassiter who had just got off his car.
Detective Lassiter makes his way to the crime scene when his coffee spills all over him.
Lassiter: Damn it all.
Shawn: Could have happened to anybody.
Lassiter: Talk to me.
Jules: Well, victim is a female in her late twenties, Gloria Starks. We’re waiting for forensics to confirm, but appears to be a suicide. Carbon monoxide poisoning. Asphyxiation.
Shawn: Oh, I’m afraid the cat doesn’t think so.
Lassiter: Turn around and walk away.
Shawn: This cat can tell us if the killer has been here. All I need is thirty seconds. Watch this. You ready boy? Huh? You ready? What? Over here? Where? Wait.
The cat meows.
Shawn: That is…that is very thoughtful. I’ll tell him. He says the fact that you take three creams and four sugars in your coffee, dangerous.
Jules: Is that true? Do you really take three creams and four sugars?
Lassiter: So what?
Shawn: So what? Carly, that is a heart attack waiting to happen. You’re still a young man.
Jules: That was amazing. How did you do that?
Lassiter: It was a lucky guess.
Shawn: Don’t you get tired of saying that? Now, with your permission. I’d like the little boy cat to sniff out the car.
Shawn Spencer notices the writing on the windshield.
Lassiter: Absolutely not.
Shawn gasps, and throws the cat on the backseat of the car.
Lassiter: What did I just say?!
Shawn: Just relax and let him do his job. He might find something.
Shawn walks closer to the windshield to re-read the writing on the windshield.
Lassiter: He’s peeing.
The cat pisses on the newly dry cleaned suit on the backseat.
Shawn: No, he’s drawing your attention to the evidence in the back seat.
Lassiter: By peeing on it. Nice.
Detective Lassiter puts half of his body inside the car.
Lassiter: Come here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Detective Lassiter grabs the cat, and hands it to Shawn.
Shawn: Yes, did you make good pee-pee? Did you make good pee-pee? Yes, you did. What?
The cat meows. Shawn Spencer laughs.
Shawn: What? That’s a…that’s a little inappropriate.
Shawn: I’m sorry. That’s, that’s rude. He was just saying that he would have done the same thing if he’d killed himself. He would have swung by the dry cleaners and grabbed the pantsuit first.
Lassiter: Maybe she picked up the dry-cleaning days ago. Did the cat ever think of that?
Burton Guster turns to Detective O’Hara.
Gus: What is he doing right here?
They watch the forensics agent.
Jules: He is measuring the amount of carbon monoxide emitted.
Gus: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. I knew that.
Gus turns to Shawn.
Gus: I knew that.
Shawn: Yeah, you did.
One of the police officers turns on the car engine, and a heavy metal music starts playing.
The police officer turns off the car radio.
Shawn: Now, does she strike you as the type that would go for heavy metal?
Lassiter: Any number of people could have changed her radio station. Now, Mr. Spencer, if you and your new partner are finished urinating on things, I believe your work here is done.
Detective Lassiter turns his back on Shawn, and whispers to Detective O’Hara.
Lassiter: Check out the dry-cleaning.
Jules: I’m on it.
Shawn Spencer drives Burton Guster’s car. Gus sits cramped at the backseat of his car, while the cat sits on the passenger seat.
Shawn: Look, I don’t care what Lassiter says. The cat is not my new partner, Gus. Don’t be ridiculous.
Gus: Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun?
Shawn: He gets carsick, and you know this. Do you want him to throw up again back there? Is that what you want?
Gus: It’s not funny, Shawn. Here, lay these down.
Gus hands Shawn a newspaper.
Shawn: He’s doing fine, aren’t you?
Gus: This is a company car, Shawn. That means I have to return it in like-new condition. Lay these down.
Shawn hesitantly takes the newspaper, which happens to be the entertainment section. He reads the headline.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa! Look at this!
Shawn Spencer hands Burton Guster the newspaper.
Gus reads the newspaper.
Gus: 70% off of storm doors and window panes? Everything must go.
Shawn: Gus, flip it over. It’s her.
Gus flips the newspaper over.
Gus: “Struggling actress lands big break in Santa Barbara play”.
Shawn: And then kills herself? I don’t think so.
Gus: Okay, you might be onto something.
Gus: The play is called Dazzle and Stretch?
Shawn: Dazzle and Stretch?
At the police station, Officer Buzz McNab knocks on Detective Lassiter’s filing cabinet.
McNab: I was wondering if I could ask you a question.
Officer Buzz McNab stammers.
McNab: I—I could really use some advice.
Lassiter: Yeah, all right. Get on in here.
Officer Buzz McNab nervously walks closer to Detective Lassiter’s desk.
Lassiter: What can I do for you, McNab?
McNab: It’s just that, well…you’re still married, right?
Lassiter: Are you trying to piss me off?
McNab: No, sir, no. I—I just have a question. On your wedding night did you feel any, well, any added pressure to perform?
Lassiter: Excuse me?
McNab: It’s just that my Francie is going to be expecting a lot on our first night as a married couple, and, and I was wondering if you had any tips for me.
Lassiter: What the hell kind of sick bastard are you?
McNab: Thank you very much, sir. I appreciate it.
The Chief is in her office with Shawn and Gus. Shawn’s cat is sitting on one of her chairs.
Chief: So, what you are trying to tell me is now it’s the cat that’s convinced these weren’t suicides?
Chief: Do you really think I’m going to open a bunch of closed cases just because a cat tells me to?
The cat meows.
Shawn: This is it.
Shawn moves closer to the cat as it continues to meow.
Shawn: Yes, this is it. The girl that was found in her car, Gloria Starks, she’s here. She’s here with us.
Shawn Spencer pretends to be possessed by Gloria Starks. Shawn walks seductively, and speaks in a woman’s voice.
Shawn: Oh, despair! I fear that you will leave me. What choice do I have?
Shawn starts singing, and dancing.
Shawn: I dazzle, and I stretch. I dazzle, and I stretch.
Detective Lassiter seeing the strange activity in the Chief’s office goes over there.
Lassiter: What the hell is going on here?
The Chief shushes Detective Lassiter.
Chief: Mr. Spencer, this is telling me nothing.
Gus: He can’t hear you right now ‘cause, see, he’s channeling the cat who’s channeling Gloria.
Shawn: I dazzle.
Chief: Well, then what are we looking at?
Lassiter: Bad acting.
Shawn: And stretch.
Shawn pulls out the newspaper from Gus’ suit. He starts dancing around Detective Lassiter.
Gus: I think she wants you to see something in the paper. Gloria’s trying to tell you something.
Shawn waves the newspaper in front of Detective Lassiter’s face.
Shawn: Dazzle and stretch.
Lassiter: “70% off on storm doors and window panes. Everything must go.”
Shawn turns the newspaper over. Detective Lassiter takes the newspaper to read it.
Lassiter: “Struggling actress lands big break in Santa Barbara play.” So what.
Gus: So what? Does that sound like a woman who would kill herself?
Lassiter: Please, all actresses are crazies. I know, I dated one in college once. She had a nose ring.
Shawn stretches. He groans, and speaks in his normal voice.
Shawn: Good work, little buddy.
Shawn sits on Detective Lassiter’s lap.
The Chief starts reading the newspaper.
Chief: I don’t know. This is something.
Shawn: Something? Oh, come on. That’s the biggest thing that ever happened for that girl. Now, you need to stop waiting around for another suicide, and start looking for a serial killer.
Lassiter: Spencer, get off my lap.
Shawn Spencer and Burton Guster return to their office where they make sense of the information they gathered. Shawn writes on a transparent board.
Gus: What does hit mean/
Shawn: I have no idea, but I’ve seen it on Numb3rs all the time, and it seems to work for them.
Gus: You ready to give up?
Shawn: Four separate suicides, two of which occurred before we came on the case, and I don’t see a pattern of any kind. Different ages, different sexes.
Gus: Different socio-economic levels.
Shawn: Different methods of death. No duplicate weapons, locations. Man, what have we got? First we have a jumper, second, an oven, third, pills, fourth, carbon monoxide. They all have to be connected somehow, and what I see is a whole lot of nothing.
Shawn remembers what his father told him when he was younger.
Henry: You see, sometimes, Shawn, you don’t have to dig so deep. You just need to turn things upside down to make them right side up, and there’s your prize.
Shawn: Wait a minute.
Shawn takes the picture of the jumper, and puts it on top of the board beside the picture of the old man who overdosed.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Turning things upside down in order to make them right side up.
Shawn looks at the board with the changes he made.
Shawn: And there is the prize.
Shawn and Gus walk to the jumper’s apartment.
Gus: This is the prize? Going to the first dead guy’s place and what? Talk to a dead guy?
Shawn: No, we talk to the dead guy’s brother.
Gus: The dead guy’s brother lives at the dead guy’s place?
Shawn buzzes the apartment.
Shawn; They were roommates, but that’s the point. He’s getting rid of the apartment.
Someone buzzes them in.
Shawn; And we’re here to rent it.
Shawn knocks on the door.
Gus: Why can’t we for once just talk to somebody as us?
Shawn: Because, Gus, I don’t want him to be on guard. If he thinks we’re investigating something he’ll clam up.
The door opens.
Shawn: Wes Hiltonblock?
Shawn: Hey, uh, Shawn Spencer. I talked to you on the phone about the, uh, the apartment. And this is Gus. It would actually be for both of us.
Wes: Yeah. Okay, uh, come on in.
Shawn: Thanks, man.
Shawn and Gus enter the apartment.
Wes: Just so you guys know, the utilities are included, um, but I would require first and last month and a sizeable security deposit.
Shawn: Oh, that’s not a problem. You take cats?
Wes: Uh, yeah, I guess so. You two guys have a cat?
Shawn: We do, actually. He’s sort of like our child.
Wes: I see. How do you guys know each other?
Gus: We’re partners.
Wes: Got you.
Gus: Oh, no, no, no.
Wes: No, it’s fine. Really, I’m totally fine.
Gus: No, we’re partners in a private…
Shawn: Relationship. Believe it. It’s been a while. We finish each other’s sentences. So, tell me, Wes, uh, why would you want to give up such a handsome apartment? Do you…do you not like it anymore?
Shawn enters the bathroom and finds a pile of mail. He takes ones.
Shawn: Ooh, Gus, good news, shower for two.
Wes: Uh, actually, I just have some bad memories here. I used to…I used to live here with my brother, but he passed away.
Shawn: Oh, I’m sorry, man. Was he sick, or…
Wes: He killed himself.
Shawn: I’m so sorry.
Gus: Yeah, I’m sorry.
Wes: Yeah, me, too. We were real close you know.
Shawn: God, was he depressed? I mean, were there signs? Did you…what am I…I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer those questions.
Wes: No, actually, I had no idea anything was wrong you know. I mean, he had so much to live for. He was a great guy, you know. Smarter than me, more talented. He was a great singer. He was really going places.
Wes Hiltonblock tries not to cry.
Wes: So look, are you guys…you guys interested in the place or…
Shawn: What do you think, honey? I think it’s great. I think it’s perfect.
Wes: All right, then. Well, I got another couple coming by a little later so, uh, but I’ll let you guys know either way.
Gus drives the car with Shawn.
Gus: Shower for two?
Shawn: That was so I could see your face when I said it.
Gus: You know, you enjoy these things more than you should. I suffered through that for no reason. We learned nothing.
Shawn: Yes, but I grabbed this while we were up there.
Shawn pulls out an envelope from his pocket.
Gus: You took his mail?
Shawn: It’s not like I took his Sports Illustrated. Dude, it’s a phone bill.
Gus: you can’t open someone else’s mail, Shawn. It’s a federal offense.
Shawn: Gus, he’s dead.
Gus: So, what?
Shawn: Well, maybe I’ll hold it on my head and read it psychically.
Shawn holds the mail on his head.
Gus: Hurry up, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus, who’s gonna see us?
Gus: Hurry up.
Shawn opens the mail, and reads the phone bill.
Shawn: Wait there’s like. There’s like sixteen calls here to some 1-800 stress line including the last call he made.
Gus: I’ve seen the ads for that. So what? A depressed guy calls a stress line, and I get you a hungry guy calls a pizza place. That doesn’t tell us anything.
Shawn: Yeah, but it might give us a link. I’m gonna run the other victims’ phone records.
Gus: With what? Your do-it-yourself phone record running kit?
Shawn: The next best thing.
Shawn with Gus is at the police station. Shawn pretends to get a psychic vision while talking to Detective O’Hara.
Shawn: The answer is in the phone bills. I need you to run the victims’ phone records.
Jules: What? No cat this time?
Shawn: Julie, I’m very serious about this. I have a strong sense about a stress line, and I know the link is in the phone records.
Jules: I don’t know why you would think I would do something like this for you.
Shawn: Some have said it’s the hair.
Detective Lassiter stands behind Shawn Spencer.
Lassiter: Really? Who says that? Oh, guess what? We already ran the phone records, and checked out the dry-cleaning. Turns out the pantsuits were picked up over a week ago. What kind of dog and pony show do you think we run here?
Shawn: Gus, you wanna take this one?
Lassiter: Let me put an end to this non-case right now, okay? Yes, all the victims called the 1-800 stress line. Not just once. Many times over.
Jules: Detective Lassiter and I have combed everything. We’ve gone to the bone on these.
Shawn: All the way to the bone?
Jules: I know this is hard for you to grasp, but these people did have something in common. They were troubled, and they were depressed, and as sad as that is, they all committed suicide. Case closed.
Shawn: We’ve clearly wasted your time.
Shawn walks away. Gus follows him.
Gus: It’s not over, is it?
Shawn: Of course not. They all called the same help line and they all killed themselves? Come on!
Gus: Shawn, that’s what stressed people do.
Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara watch the two walk away.
Jules: Strange how he gave up so easily.
Lassiter: Yeah, it is. Maybe we should take a closer look at that stress line.
Shawn and Gus watch Detective Lassiter and Detective O’Hara leave. Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: ‘cause she was stressed about an audition. You call a help line and they find you dead? That’s not very helpful. What if someone there is killing the callers and making it look like suicide? Gus, we go to the stress line, I think we solve the case. Come on.
Later, Shawn shows Gus a door with a signage that reads “Dial-A-Psychic”.
Gus: What is this?
Shawn: you’re looking at our new business. Mazel tov.
Gus: Are you out of your mind? You rented office space for this?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be a crazy hooligan. I rented a sign.
Shawn opens the door, which actually leads to the storage room. Shawn takes out a pineapple.
Shawn: Now, let’s go say hello to our new neighbors.
Shawn Spencer goes over to the 1-800 stress line office.
Shawn: Hello everyone! Who wants pineapple? Be honest. Nah, you guys can slice it up, fight over it later.
The manager approaches Shawn and Gus.
Manager: I’m sorry, gentlemen, may I help you? I’m Terrence. I run the line here.
Shawn shakes Terrence’s hand, and so does Gus.
Shawn: Terrence, hello. I’m Shawn Spencer, this is my partner Gus “Silly Pants” Jackson. Just came by to say hello. We’ve opened up our own little 1-800 thingy down the hall. Not as big as you guys. More of a closet, really.
Terrence: Your own 1-800 thingy, huh?
Shawn: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s called Dial-A-Psychic. Maybe you recognize us. I am the lead psychic for the Santa Barbara police department.
Everybody is silent.
Shawn: McCallum murders. Edmond robberies?
Shawn points at one of the employees.
Shawn: Over there, you? Nothing? Nothing? Wow, really. What do you guys live in this room?
Rory: So, you can know stuff about me just by looking at me?
Shawn: Yeah, pretty much.
Employee 32: Do it.
Shawn: Do it?
Rory: Go ahead. Show us.
Shawn: Looking for a little demo.
Gus: Well, for one, they don’t like pineapple.
Shawn: I don’t know guys. I don’t think Big T wants us to take up any more…
Terrence: Oh, no, no, no. Go right ahead. Uh, you know, half the lines are down, phones are being worked on right now. We have time for your little trick.
Shawn: Oh yeah?
Shawn hands Terrence the pineapple. He walks over to Rory who looks like a goth, but also notices a telephone lineman outside. Shawn points at Rory. He also observes his desk.
Shawn: Loose flowing stanzas, Bobby Frost. Are you a poet by chance?
Rory: Yeah! Yeah, I am!
Rory: Wow. How did you know that?
Shawn: I guess you could say I’m a bit of a psychic poet.
Shawn: Oh, please, stop.
Rory: ‘cause I’m like, I’m freaking out here!
Gus: Do you se his eyeliner?
Shawn: The guy could be the drummer for The Cure.
Detective O’Hara walks towards Detective Lassiter who is sitting on a bench facing the beach.
Jules: Wow, I can see why you come out here to eat. It’s beautiful. The sound of the seagulls, the smell of the ocean, the salt air.
Lassiter: Hmm. I never noticed. What do you got there?
Jules: What you asked for.
Detecive O’Hara hands a file folder.
Jules: I ran the sheets on all the volunteers at the stress line.
Detective Lassiter turns to the man sitting beside him.
Lassiter: Do you mind? It’s police business.
The man just looks at him. Detective Lassiter shows him his badge.
The man leaves.
Lassiter: Let’s see what we got here. Well, lookie there. It’s a picture of an old friend.
Shawn hops off the elevator of their supposed office building. He sees Goth employee Rory sulking at the hallway.
Shawn: Hey, Rory.
Rory does not respond. He has his MP3 on, and is busy writing poetry. Shawn walks away. He enters the storage room where irritated Gus is sitting, waiting for him.
Gus: Where the hell have you been? I’ve been sitting on this mop bucket in this tiny closet for the last hour and a half waiting for you to show up. I’m all cramped.
Shawn: Well, get up, man. Do some pushups or something. I need you light and limber.
Gus: Do some pushups?
Shawn: Sure, like Clint Eastwood in Escape from Alcatraz. Sure, he spends the whole movie in a tiny little cell, right? But he’s in the best shape of his entire life. Give me a little piece of tape.
Gus: What happened to the big ticking time clock?
Shawn puts up a poster that reads “Hang in, there!” with a picture of a cat on it.
Shawn: Gus, what do you think I’ve been doing all day?
Shawn notices a calendar of the telephone maintenance schedule.
Shawn: My work happens here.
Shawn points at his head.
Shawn: And here.
Shawn points at his heart.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: I am trying to create a pleasant work environment. I can tell by looking at your little area that you don’t care.
Gus: We don’t work here, Shawn.
Shawn: We do until we solve these murders, but don’t worry I have a plan. You are gonna call the stress line and pretend to be depressed.
Gus: No, I’m not.
Shawn: Yes, and I will go down the hall when you make the call, ask for Rory, so that I can see him in action.
Gus: Why don’t you call him?
Shawn: Gus, please be serious for one second. No one’s gonna believe that I’m depressed. Come on.
Gus: I got an idea. Why don’t you have the cat make the call? He’s like your new partner, right? Where is he, anyway?
Shawn: Gus, he’s far more comfortable in your car. Plus, I need him well rested for when he identifies the killer. Now, wait exactly two seconds and then make the call.
Gus: Oh! I have no idea what I’d even say.
Shawn: Here’s a good opener. “Hello, my name’s Gus. I have a deep-seated jealousy for a tiny little boy cat.”
Terrence is talking to one of his employees.
Terrence: Why would you put them on speakerphone? See, because I think that tends to undercut…
Shawn Spencer arrives.
Shawn: Bit T! Look sharp!
Shawn hands Terrence a coconut.
Terrence: Huh! What is it now, Mr. Spencer?
Shawn: Just wanted to pick your brain for a second. How many lines you got going here?
Terrence: I have, I have twelve lines, but I’m adding more all the time.
Shawn: I get it, I get it, the more lines, the more green, am I right?
Terrence: I’m a non-profit operation. The calls are free. I’m not in this for the money.
Shawn: Really, that’s weird. See, I’m thinking of charging four bucks a minute.
Terrence hands Shawn the coconut he gave him. Terrence walks away. Shawn spots Rory. He whispers to himself.
Shawn walks over to Rory.
Rory who is listening to his MP3 does not hear him. Shawn taps on Rory’s cubicle.
Shawn: Hey, Ror.
Shawn: You really do love your music, huh?
Rory: You kidding? Music inspires me.
Shawn: Yeah, you know, you don’t really strike me as the, uh…
Rory: Charitable type?
Shawn: I was gonna say sensitive, but sure.
Rory: Actually, I’m here as part of a community service on this assault beef, you know. I got into it with this guy who didn’t like my poetry. So, two hundred fifty hours.
Shawn: Two-fifty, wow, that’s intense.
Terrence gets off his desk. He accidentally bumps his knee on his way to the door.
Terrence: Rory! That’s line six!
Shawn: I’ll let you get back to work.
Rory clears his throat. Shawn sits and watches him on the phone.
Rory: Hello, Stresssline. The extra S is for extra stress. This is Rory. Uh-huh. Right, so you’re experiencing some stress. Career and personal?
Gus is inside the storage room on the phone.
Gus: Well, yeah, I suppose. I mean my career’s not exactly where I would like it to be. No. No, I don’t have a girlfriend right now. It’s been a while.
Rory: Right. Right, that’s not good. Um, does it make you have dark thoughts?
Gus: Like how dark are you talking? Like “wanna be dead” dark?
Rory: Okay, easy, I just wanna say this, like, right off the bat, suicide is not the answer.
Gus: Who said anything about suicide? I just said maybe I should find a new hobby, like coin collecting or something at the beach. I like water activities.
Rory: Like drowning?
Gus: What? Drowning? I don’t want to drown!
Rory: No, no. Of course, you don’t. That’s awful, okay? But I don’t care what you say about suicide in a lake being poetic, you know, like, your body floating to the top of the pristine, serene waters, and your final breaths rippling out in an ever-widening circle, you know, like the circle of life. But you have to stop that kind of thinking. You have so much to live for.
Gus: You’re damn straight. I have a lot to live for!
Rory: Of course you do. You see, I can tell, this phone call is helping you already.
Shawn mouths to Rory that he’s going to leave. Shawn makes his way to the storage room where Gus is.
Shawn: Dude, what he hell was that?
Gus: Was he trying to help me? Cause I feel really creeped out right now.
Shawn: Dude, he put you on the creepy train headed for Creep Island where the natives drink creep nectar out of creepy coconut shells…
Gus: Shawn, it’s horrible.
Shawn: Yeah, I’m sorry.
Gus: He’s nuts, Shawn.
Gus: And worst of all he actually made some good points! I mean pharmaceutical sales, not sexy. You are my only non-work friend. There’s got to be something wrong with that.
Shawn: Hey, hey, hey, what is this?
Shawn points at the poster.
Shawn: Hang in there.
Gus: He’s right. I need to start taking some more risks.
Shawn: Does that mean we can go cliff diving in Zihuatenejo?
Gus: No. I’m being serious, Shawn!
Shawn: Look, would it make you feel any better if I told you Hiltonbock called? We got the apartment!
Gus: What would make me feel better is if we called the police! This guy is dangerous, Shawn. Let’s call Vick.
Gus grabs his coat.
Gus: Maybe get him arrested.
Shawn: Gus! Gus!
Shawn: The only thing this guy is guilty of right now is being a bad poet. You know how this game works. We cannot just pick up a phone and beg the police to come and save us.
Gus mutters angrily.
Shawn: Look, just…just stay away from the water for now. Final decision. We wait.
The elevator door dings. Shawn peeps through their door to find the Chief, and the detectives.
Jules: Um, no, it’s this way.
Chief: You sure?
Shawn: Now, was that so hard?
Detective Lassiter talks to Rory.
Lassiter: Maybe you’d care to explain this.
Detective Lassiter pulls up Rory’s eyeliner pencil.
Rory: My eyeliner pencil?
Lassiter: So, you admit it’s yours?
Detective Lassiter turns to Shawn Spencer.
Lassiter: Funny how Gloria Starks’ suicide note was scrawled across her windshield in black eyeliner. Yet no eyeliner was found at the crime scene. You, my friend, is looking at Exhibit A. Bag it, O’Hara.
Detective O’Hara pulls open an evidence bag as Detective Lassiter drops the eyeliner inside it.
Lassiter: You like your music, don’t you, Rory?
Rory: Yeah, I do. It’s my inspiration.
Lassiter: I bet. I bet it inspires you to kill. That’s why you couldn’t resist playing your big-haired, drug-induced death music on Mortimer Tilden’s stereo, while you forced him to swallow all those pills or on Gloria Starks’ car radio while she slipped into unconsciousness, and even now. Let’s have a little listen, shall we?
Detective Lassiter pulls out Rory’s headphones such that the music would blast through the speakers. The song Motown song “Up, Up, and Away” plays loudly for everyone to here.
Lassiter: What, you think you can pull a fast one on me switching out your head-thrashing crap for this noise?
Rory: This crap is all I listen to. I hate metal music. I use the details that I get form callers two write better poems! I am not a killer!
Lassiter: Yeah, I know. You’re a poet, but you’re also an assaulter, aren’t you? Who do you think arrested you on that assault charge?
Shawn Spencer notices the telephone guy outside up on the pole. He remembers seeing him board the elevator earlier that day. He also remembers Officer McNab saying “Oh, a guy from the phone company found the victim.” He also recalls the dates of the telephone maintenance schedule. Shawn looks up and finds that the telephone guy is no longer at the pole.
Rory: I didn’t kill anybody.
Detective Lassiter turns to one of the police officers.
Lassiter: Get him out of my sight!
One of the police officers arrests Rory. Everybody murmurs.
Detective Lassiter turns to Terrence.
Lassiter: What? You’re not taking notes?
Shawn is silent. Gus turns to him.
Gus: How could you let him do that? Now, Lassiter gets credit for solving the crime and we don’t get paid.
Shawn: Oh, we’re gonna get paid.
Gus: How do you figure?
Shawn: Lassiter didn’t solve the crime. Rory is innocent. He didn’t do it.
Gus: He didn’t?
Gus: Then who did?
The cat is outside watching Shawn help Gus climb up the telephone pole.
Shawn: Just grip the spike with your little foot and climb! Come on! Come on!
Gus: Why do I gotta to go first?
Shawn: ‘Cause you’re a climbing machine, Gus. Just, you know, be careful. Grip the spike with your foot! Okay, oh, okay, okay.
Shawn notices the greasy mark the spike left on the sole of Gus’ shoe. He recalls seeing the same mark on the floor in the old dead man’s apartment.
Shawn remembers seeing the same spikes used as key holders in Wes Hiltonbock’s apartment.
Shawn: Dude, dude! Dude, I know who the killer is!
Gus: Can I come down then?
Shawn: No, no, stay up there. I have to figure out where he’s headed.
Gus: Who is it?
Shawn: Well, put it this way. I don’t think taking the apartment is such a good idea unless you think it’s cool that our would-be landlord is a serial killer.
Shawn: There was a pattern. See, all the murders coincides with dates that Hiltonbock was servicing the phone lines. That’s when he had access.
Gus pulls down the telephone receiver on the pole.
Gus: With this?
Shawn: Yes! Yeah, yeah. Send that down.
Gus drops the telephone receiver.
Shawn: Perfect! See, this device stores all the incoming and outgoing calls. My guess is that wherever number he dialed last, that’s where Hiltonbock is headed. Whoever that is, is probably his next victim.
Shawn dials the phone, and gets Officer Buzz McNab’s answering machine.
McNab on Machine: Hello, you’ve reached Buzz McNab. I’m not in right now, but please do leave a message, and I will get back to you when I get in.
Shawn: Oh, no.
Shawn dials again.
Gus: Who are you calling?
Shawn: Hello, Chief? Hey, Shawn Spencer here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I’m getting a vibe right now as big as a Buick!
Shawn and Gus rush to Buzz McNab’s apartment.
Shawn and Gus quickly get out of the car.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you don’t. Stay, boy cat!
Shawn and Gus rush to Buzz McNab’s apartment. Shawn tests the doorknob, and finds it unlocked. He and Gus rush in, but Wes Hiltonbock points a gun at them. Buzz McNab is in his underwear standing on top of a chair.
Shawn: Hey, McNab, so this is the place, huh? It’s nice. It’s really nice.
Detective Lassiter arrives followed by Detective O’Hara, the Chief, and other police officers.
Lassiter: Drop it! Don’t come any closer. Put it down or I will drop you!
Wes Hiltonbock points the gun at Buzz.
Wes: I swear to God I’m gonna shoot him.
Lassiter: Drop it!
Shawn: Everybody breathe. Just breathe!
Lassiter: Get out of here.
Shawn: Well, the other ones must have gone a lot smoother than this, huh, Hiltonbock?
The cat sneaks inside the room.
Shawn: Though, comparatively, it was probably pretty easy to get Mortimer Tilden to swallow those pills.
Wes: You wanna die, old man, huh? Eat them!
Wes points a gun at the old man, and forces him to take the pills. The flashback ends.
Shawn: Because you are not really a cold-blooded serial killer. Are you?
Lassiter: No, but he threw his own brother off a building!
Wes: I didn’t push him off the roof.
Shawn: No, no, no. No, you didn’t. You didn’t do that.
Flashback: Wes Hiltonbock is at the balcony of his apartment.
Shawn: But you were there. You saw it. You saw the whole thing. You saw him jump off the balcony of the apartment that you shared.
Wes: He was weak.
Shawn: There’s a lot of weak people out there, Hiltonbock. Are you gonna track them all down, huh, one at a time? Punish them for their weakness? You wanna get back at your brother so badly, you don’t even care who these people were, just that they called the line. And look, you’re gonna kill McNab here just because he had a few pre-wedding jitters.
Officer Buzz McNab stammers.
McNab: I—I was just looking for a little advice. Nobody else would talk to me.
Buzz turns to Officer Lassiter who just rolls his eyes.
Shawn: It’s okay, Buzz. We all have stress. All of us. Right here in this room. I mean, take a good look, Hiltonbock. We all have problems. Who else deserves to get shot or hung? Maybe it’s Gus.
Lassiter: That’s enough, Spencer.
Shawn: No. Shoot him.
Gus: What? What are you doing?
Wes Hiltonbock points the gun at Gus.
Wes: Yeah, maybe I should.
Gus: Don’t listen to him.
Gus hides behind Shawn.
Gus: He’s a crazy person. He’s crazy.
Shawn: That’s right, I am crazy. So maybe you should shoot me.
Gus moves away from Shawn.
Shawn: Here’s the best part. It doesn’t matter what I think, because you have a problem that’s a lot bigger than me.
Shawn points at Detecive Lassiter.
Shawn: This guy.
Wes Hiltonbock points the gun at Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: The man with his gun trained on you is not only a fine human being, with a strong Irish hairline, he is an exemplary public servant, and arguably the finest detective mind in the lower western Santa Barbara County area over the age of thirty-five. And right now, while I’m speaking, he is devising a swift and stealth-like tactic that is going to disarm you, and blow your freaking mind!
Confused, and nervous Wes Hiltonbock starts changing his target. Shawn turns to Detective Lassiter.
Shawn: Anytime you’re ready. All right, we gotta make the move.
The cat who has positioned itself on top of the shelf jumps on Wes Hiltonbrock who as a result becomes distracted as he struggles to get the cat off of him. Detective Lassiter tackles Wes. Officer Buzz McNab bends over to get Wes’ gun such that his butt is directly in front of Detective Lassiter’s face.
Lassiter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Detective Lassiter turns to Shawn Spencer.
Lassiter: That was adequate, Spencer.
Shawn: Don’t thank me. Thank the little boy cat.
Lassiter: Come on.
Detective Lassiter pulls up Wes Hiltonbock.
Wes: Ow! Ow!
Shawn picks up the cat.
Shawn: There you are. There’s my big guy. You are a hero. You are a hero today. Yes. Speaking of heroes, McNab, I was gonna get you something off the registry online, but it turns out the Chief already got you the asparagus steamer.
Officer McNab whose face is filled with worry suddenly lights up.
Shawn: So, instead I—I give you this little guy.
Shawn hands Buzz the cat.
Shawn: Yeah. If you, uh, take him in the car, he likes to ride up front, shotgun.
The following morning, Shawn and Gus are eating breakfast.
Gus: You know, there’s something beautiful about the color Fruity Puffs turns the milk.
Shawn: I think it’s the most beautiful thing in the whole world.
Gus: You know I’ve been thinking. You’re not the only one who lives a charmed life, Shawn. I got it pretty good too.
Shawn: Yes, you do, and it makes me glad to hear you say so.
Gus: I mean, the other day at work, this dermatologist, Katie Finestatt, commented how I looked handsome carrying my sample case into her office.
Shawn: Finestatt said that?
Gus: Yes, she did, and she is fine! So, it got me thinking. Maybe pharmaceutical sales can be sort of sexy.
Shawn: There are times when I have to sand a few feet away, because you’re literally sizzling.
Gus: You see what I’m saying? I mean, you may be my only non-work friend, but you’re my best friend. And how many best friends does one guy need, really?
Shawn holds up his pointy finger.
Gus: That’s my point.
Shawn: It’s all in the attitude, Gus.
Gus: Exactly. Not sweating the small stuff.
Shawn: Life is too short.
Gus: Too short. Changing my attitude, Shawn.
Gus pours the rest of the cereal into his bowl.
Gus: Where the hell is my prize? Where’s my ring, Shawn?
Shawn: Easy now.
Gus: No, no, I’ve timed the bowls out perfectly, Shawn. Me, then you, then me, then you, then I get the prize!
Gus breaks open the bottom of the box.
Shawn: What happened to “Not sweating the small stuff? Life’s too short”, all that?
Gus: Did you open the bottom of the box?
Shawn holds up his hand to reveal the mood ring on his finger.
Shawn: Now, why would I do something like that?
Gus: That’s my ring! You know I would kill for that ring, don’t you?
Shawn: Uh, you’re upsetting me. You just changed my mood from an orangey yellow to a muddy brown. You need to say something sweet. Quick.
Gus puts his finger in Shawn’s milk, and leaves.
Shawn: Gus! That’s so childish.
Shawn pushes aside his bowl, and takes Gus’ bowl of cereal.
Shawn: I’m gonna eat yours!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “9 Lives” episode was written by Andy Berman. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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