Shawn Spencer takes a newspaper from a vending machine. He enters a diner and sees a good-looking young woman also reading a newspaper.
Shawn: Excuse me, you’re – you’re in my seat.
Jules: Am I?
Shawn: Actually, yes, you are.
Jules: You one of those weirdo compulsives who come to the same restaurant, sit in the same chair, and eat the same food every day?
Shawn: No, no, no, I was sitting right there three minutes ago, and then I went outside to get myself a paper. I ordered a juice, and look, I made a crawling snake with the straw wrapper. You can finish it if you think you’re up to the job.
Jules: I’m sorry. You want me to move?
Shawn: Not anymore. So, what’s up?
Jules: I don’t have time to talk.
Shawn: But you haven’t heard what I’m going to say.
Jules: See, now we’ve already talked more than I wanted to.
Shawn sees the brand of Jules’ bag, a piece of fur on her shoe, a picture of her parents inside her bag, and fur on her sleeve.
Shawn: Well, I did give you my seat, you know. I think that gets me one question.
Jules: Listen, diner guy…
Jules: Shawn. Flattered, really. Very often, I am happy to meet new people. But today, right here, right now, I can’t talk.
Shawn: I understand. I do. What if I do the talking for both of us?
Jules: Have at it! Do you mind if I read the paper and stare aimlessly out the window while you two talk?
Shawn: No. Can I get a name to work with?
Shawn: Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Juliet.
Shawn in Woman’s Voice: It’s nice to meet you, too, Shawn. And I am sorry about your seat. So, lunch is on me. So, what do you do for a living?
Shawn in His Own Voice: I do a little bit of everything.
Shawn in Woman’s Voice: Oh, that sounds interesting. And maybe a little bit dangerous. Oh, I like your jacket. I like it…
Jules: Okay, can I stop you here? First off, in your portrayal of me, I sound like I’m in the eighth grade.
Shawn: Well, in my portrayal of you, you only have an eight grade education.
Shawn: All right, smarten you up. College, yeah? Top your class, graduate early…Got it.
Shawn in Woman’s Voice: I’m new to town, and I don’t know many people. But I do know my cats. Two of them. The gray one is very affectionate, the white one makes me work much, much harder for the attention.
Shawn in Normal Voice: And what about your family?
Shawn in Woman’s Voice: My family is amazing! My parents have been together for, what is it, 30 years now?
Jules: Okay, do we know each other?
Shawn: Yes, you were the girl who stole my seat!
A guy enters the diner.
Shawn: Oh, my gosh, you’re a cop!
Jules: I’m not a cop!
Shawn: The paper, the vantage point, the layout, of course! You got defensive when Scary Guy walked in, you’re totally a cop!
Jules: Okay, Shawn, I may need you to do me a favor.
Shawn: Name it.
Jules pulls out her gun. Shawn ducks.
Two officers restrain the guy who just walked in. Lassiter and another cop enter the diner.
Lassiter: Gun! Go!
Jules’ hand starts shaking.
Guy: Let me go!
Lassiter: Get him up!
Officer: Come on!
Shawn and Lassiter see each other. Shawn waves to Lassiter. Jules returns to her seat.
Shawn: First time pulling your gun?
Jules puts the gun inside her bag then leaves the diner.
1989 – Young Gus is at a Spelling Bee.
Spellmaster: Thirty seconds, Mr. Guster.
Young Gus: A-G…G…
Young Shawn mouths the next letter. Young Shawn mouths the letter O and even forms an O with his fingers.
Young Gus: Let me start over! “Aggiornamento”. A…G…G…
Young Shawn mouths “O”.
Young Gus: …O…
The Spellmaster rings the buzzer. People exclaim.
Man on TV: Beautiful Santa Barbara, California, is the backdrop for this afternoon’s coverage of the American Spelling Bee, being held at the downtown Cabrillo Theater. Champions from all over these western United States have made the trek to test…
Gus turns off the television. Shawn Spencer enters their office still riding his bicycle.
Shawn: What are you watching?
Shawn: Is that Korean porn? Come on, man!
Gus: It’s the Regional Finals of the American Spelling Bee.
Gus: Don’t mock me. It’s a huge event.
Shawn: No, I’m just…I’m shocked that you didn’t take the whole day off.
Gus: It’s on Sports Cal Two, for your information. And it’s hosted by Bud Collins.
Shawn: Really? Did they bump the car washing championships for this? And is it over soon? ‘Cause I’d like to get back to the woodcarving finals.
Gus turns on the television.
Man on TV: Let’s recap this morning’s unexpected high drama.
Gus: It’s being held in Santa Barbara this year. Down at the Cabrillo. It’s huge. Sold out.
Man on TV: All the experts are shaking their heads.
Gus: I tried to get tickets, but you gotta know somebody.
Shawn: Somebody lame. Dude, I can’t believe you’re watching that!
Gus: I’m taping it! And I don’t care what you think, Shawn, I watch the Bee semis every year.
Shawn: Okay, for your sake and mine, stop giving the spelling bee hip little nicknames.
Gus shushes Shawn.
Collins: For those of you who have just joined us, well a bit of a shock. And a little sad, too. The heavy favorite has had a bad spell, and Brendan Vu is out!
Co-host: Boo-hoo for Vu, Bud.
Gus: No way. Brendan Vu is out? Already?
Shawn: Okay, now you’re just scaring me.
Gus: Come on, Shawn. He took second last year, everybody knows that!
Shawn: No, Gus, nobody knows that, except for Brendan and his mother.
Collins: We’re gonna show this again. It looks like young Mr. Vu may be having trouble breathing.
Brendan Vu uses his inhaler.
Co-host: He does look to be under some sort of duress, Bud. His inhaler did not appear to help, and Vu tumbled.
Brendan Vu collapses.
Co-host: Paramedics rushed to the scene, and within moments, the competition had taken an unexpected turn.
Shawn: Wait a second. Did you see that?
Shawn rewinds the tape. He observes Brendan Vu shaking his inhaler.
Shawn: This is no accident. There’s something wrong with that inhaler.
Gus: Shawn, get out of here.
Gus takes the remote control from Shawn. The phone rings.
Co-host: For 35 minutes, competition was suspended.
Shawn answers the phone.
Co-host: …and Vu and his family were rushed to the hospital.
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: It’s the Chief.
Shawn resumes talking on the phone.
Shawn: I’ll have to check with Gus.
Shawn puts his hand over the receiver, and turns to Gus.
Shawn: Are we available?
Shawn resumes talking on the phone.
Shawn: Appears we are. We’ll be right there.
Shawn hangs up.
Shawn: I can get us into the spelling bee.
Shawn: Guess I was right about the whole Bandon Dunes thing.
Gus: Brendan Vu.
Gus: They need a psychic detective for that?
Shawn: They don’t, unless he was sabotaged. The kid said his inhaler felt funny. When he used it, his hand stung, paramedics get there, there’s no inhaler.
Gus quickly grabs his coat.
Shawn: Apparently, the thing just vanished into thin air.
Gus: Shawn, we are so taking this! Let’s go!
Gus takes the keys to his car and runs for the door.
Shawn: how come I can’t get you this excited about girls?
Gus: Let’s go, Shawn!
Shawn: Or Mexico?
Gus and Shawn arrive at Cabrillo.
Shawn: We’re here!
Chief: Go on in, Mr. Spencer. I’ve arranged everything you need inside.
Shawn: You’re leaving?
Chief: Oh, I was only here for the mayor’s presentation, and we have a robbery standoff across town.
Shawn: Whoa, shouldn’t I go to the hospital, meet the victim, get his statement?
Chief: Mr. Spencer, the case is sabotage. There are 43 remaining contestants, all presumably with a motive. Now, you can read guilt just by talking with someone, right?
Jules: Do it.
Shawn: You want us to talk to all of them?
Chief: And their parents.
Chief: Mmm-hmm. By 5:00. In two days, this whole thing is over. At that time, all the witnesses will be in 100 different cities all over the western United States. So, it’s now or never. Good luck.
Collins: Spellmaster Elvin Cavanaugh is a secretive guy, and yet, he has called for a press conference after this round!
Girl contestant on the stage.
Girl: Can you repeat that, please?
Girl: Definition, please?
Spellmaster: Adjective. “Having the characteristic of butter”.
Gus: This thing’s been sold out for weeks.
Shawn: I can see why. It moves so fast, it’s like hockey with words.
Gus points up to the spellmaster.
Gus: There’s Elvin Cavanaugh, the greatest spell champion ever. He’s been the spellmaster for 14 years. He’s a legend.
Shawn: He sits up there all by himself in that fancy box?
Girl: Language of origin?
Shawn: What is he, the Phantom of the Opera?
Gus: He’s a huge celebrity! He can’t just sit in the crowd!
Girl: Can you repeat the word?
Shawn: Oh, come on, dude, you’re not bored at all?
Gus: Do you know how to spell any of these words?
Shawn: Proudly. I have never heard of any of these words. I file these words under “Things to say when I want to be ridiculed or kicked out of bed”.
Gus: See, the problem is that butyraceous is clearly a Round One word.
Shawn: Oh, God, stop talking. I’d like to pretend we still have things in common, Gus!
Gus: Well, instead of sitting here, maybe we should get to work!
Shawn and Gus go to the backstage.
Woman: Try not to break anything.
Gus: Wow! So, this is what it looks like.
Gus: The comfort room. This is where you go to deal with missing a word.
Shawn: Oh, yeah? Where do they take you to deal with missing your entire childhood?
Gus: Shawn, this misplaced malevolence you have with the spelling bee is getting monotonous. Stop hating on the bee! I’m sorry, ma’am, I do apologize of his inappropriate virulence.
Shawn: Why are you using all these big-ass words all of a sudden?
Gus: I’m not doing that. That’s preposterous!
Shawn and the woman look at each other.
Gus: I was in the spelling bee myself. I almost won.
Shawn: Dude, are you still on that?
Gus: Of course, I’m still on it! I know it wasn’t “O”!
Woman: You may have five minutes with each contestant, no more. If the room is needed, you’ll be asked to vacate. I’ll begin with the eliminated contestants.
Shawn: Um, actually, we’d only like to speak with the ones that were still in the competition when the accident occurred.
Shawn looks at the woman’s nametag.
Shawn: Ms. Foote. And uh, let’s start with the shifty-eyed ones, shall we?
Shawn and Gus talk with a contestant and his mother.
Shawn: And you were there the whole time?
Boy: I was.
Boy: A-S-S-I-M-I-L-A-T-I-O-N. Assimilation.
They talk to another one.
Father: My son, no one expect him to come this far. But he surprise everyone. You watch him win.
Shawn: Oh, I don’t know. Are they running odds on this thing now? ‘Cause I’ve got some cash I’d like to lay down on the really, really tall girl with the bulldog underbite. What, is she on stilts?
Father: You, you do not understand. This contest, it is money for scholarship. It is entry into any school in the future.
Gus: Yeah, Shawn. The winner of this competition can just about choose his university.
Father: Your friend is right.
Gus: And it teaches grace under pressure. Poise. Dignity.
Shawn: All things you can get at a hot-dog eating competition. Plus…hot dogs.
They move on to the next contestant.
Shawn: Still studying, huh?
Mother: Oh, she loves it. Won’t put that thing down.
Gus: Well, kudos on the childrearing.
Shawn: Let me know how the therapy goes.
Bud Collins and his co-host are on the television.
Collins: We’re gonna keep rolling because of the exceptional request by Elvin Cavanaugh, a behind-the-scenes guy, to give a press conference right here at this stage of the competition! What’s that all about?
Co-host: Well, I mean, this could be something big, Bud. I mean, this year’s competition has just been peppered with controversy.
Collins: It certainly has. Well, he’s been watching from a private box on the balcony, but now, he’s going to come out so that we can see him.
The camera focuses on the spellmaster on the balcony. Elvin Cavanaugh grunts.
Co-host: This could be something big, Bud.
Collins: I think he’s having difficulty breathing!
Co-host: He does look under duress, Bud.
Spellmaster Elvin Cavanaugh goes over the balcony. People scream.
Co-host: Oh, jeez!
Collins: Oh, my!
Co-host: Oh, my God!
They all, including Gus and Shawn who returned to the theater, watch Elvin Cavanaugh fall off the balcony.
Woman: Call 911!
Man: Okay, move over.
Gus and Shawn watch as people clamor around Elvin Cavanaugh’s body.
Shawn: Okay. Not to belittle this guy’s life, but this just got more interesting than the woodcarving finals.
Jules watches as the coroner zip up Elvin Cavanaugh’s corpse in a body bag. Jules walks over to Lassiter.
Jules: When do we decide if we should cancel this event?
Lassiter: Why would we cancel?
Jules: Well, a body did just tumble into the crowd.
Lassiter: Didn’t land on anybody.
Jules: It might be traumatic.
Lassiter: For who? The mayor, when he realizes all the hotel rooms are now empty?
Jules: We could postpone at least a day, I’m sure that’s allowed.
Lassiter: Do you have any idea how important this event is to the city? Now, unhealthy guy has heart attack, falls over railing. Case closed. Certainly not declaring it a crime scene.
Jules shakes her head.
Lassiter: Come on, you can introduce me to the press.
Jules: Okay, just be sensitive.
Lassiter: How about if we don’t sell the seat the guy landed on?
Shawn and Gus enter the scene of the crime.
Guard: Uh, can I help you?
Shawn: Has anyone come out of there?
Guard: Just the cops. I’ve been here the whole time.
Shawn: Did you hear anything from in there?
Guard: I’m sorry, who are you?
Shawn: Uh, I’m Shawn Spencer, I’m a psychic with the police department.
Guard: I’m sorry, Mr. Spencer. Look, I don’t doubt your ability, I actually have an aunt who can see apparitions, and some spooky stuff. But they told me not to let anybody in here without a badge, so…
Shawn: I see. Okay. As long as you feel safe.
Shawn: Oh, what with the dead guy’s spirit being here, and him being so angry.
Guard: How angry?
Shawn: Well, considering he might have just been murdered, that’s definitely a negative.
Shawn and Gus laughs.
Shawn: I – I wouldn’t be happy.
The three laugh. Shawn suddenly starts shrieking. He stands with his back on the wall. He raises both his arms.
Shawn: No, please, spare me! I’m here to help you! Gus!
Shawn starts shaking his whole body.
Shawn: Gus! Back me up here! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Shawn starts choking himself.
Shawn: Segrete ammunus!
Shawn speaks gibberish. He then falls on the floor and rolls down a flight of stairs. He lands face down and shakes.
The guard stammers.
Guard: you guys just take a quick little look-see, okay? I’ll be downstairs!
The guard runs away. Gus approaches Shawn who is still lying on the ground. Shawn stands up and groans. Gus and Shawn sneak inside the private box of Elvin Cavanaugh.
Shawn: Well, we certainly know what his vice was.
Gus: He was a heavy eater, so what?
Shawn: Nothing. I’m just thinking Lassiter’s heart attack theory might not be so far off.
Shawn observes an marking on a booklet.
Shawn: Who’s contestant 1953?
Gus: It only goes up to 200-something.
Shawn flips the page of the booklet, and sees 1953 written then encircled.
Shawn: What’s 1953 mean?
Gus: Nothing. Is it a rule?
Shawn: No, they don’t really number the rules like that.
Shawn observes that the chair, the plant pot, and the pencil holder were pushed.
Gus: Think there was an altercation?
Shawn: No, something else. He was all by himself up here.
Gus: You smell that?
Shawn: Dude, don’t look at me.
Gus: It’s sulfuric.
Shawn: Gus, I am not the one who had the egg salad.
Gus: No, no, no. We manufactured something last year, heavy stuff. When it starts to go bad, smelled the same. You could pick out a bottle across the warehouse.
Gus starts sniffing over the desk.
Shawn: I can’t smell anything!
Gus: Well, you don’t have the supersmeller.
Shawn: Gus! You have got to stop calling your nose the supersmeller. You wanna nickname a body part? Nickname your butt, man! Call it the “tightbouncer”, or the “hexagon”. Ladies are gonna dig that, I’m telling you.
Gus goes under the desk and continues sniffing. He gets out under the desk and stands beside Shawn.
Gus: It’s there. It’s right there. It’s subtle, but it’s right there.
Gus points at the Chinese take-out box under the desk.
Shawn: Well, what is it?
Gus: I don’t know. It’s nothing we manufacture.
Shawn: Aren’t you supposed to know this kind of stuff?
Gus: Shawn, I sell pharmaceutical supplies, I’m not a scientist!
Shawn: But you’re saying it is something?
Gus: Yes, I’m pretty sure.
Shawn takes the Chinese take-out box with food left over.
Gus: Don’t eat it!
Shawn: What, do I look like an idiot?
Shawn puts a sample of the food inside a plastic bag.
Gus: What…what…are you taking some to go?
Shawn: Yes! For the road! In case later on I get hungry enough to eat something that might be poisoned!
Lassiter enters the theatre down below. The guard talks to him and points at the balcony.
Guard: There are four up there, and two on the other side.
Lassiter: What, you mean those two guys up there?
Jules approaches Lassiter.
Jules: Excuse me, hi, it’s time. The press are ready.
Lassiter turns to the guard.
Lassiter: Thank you.
Guard: All right.
Jules: Thank you.
Shawn ducked on the floor turns to Gus who also is on his knees.
Shawn: Man, we gotta go!
Lassiter talks to the press.
Lassiter: Sorry, could I try that again. I kind of fumbled the “safe and secure” part.
Jules turns to Lassiter.
Jules: Be sensitive.
Lassiter: Of course. The finals will continue tomorrow as scheduled. At this point, all indications are Mr. Cavanaugh was having a heart attack, stumbled forward, falling over the railing to his death. But we wanna assure everyone that this building is both safe and…
Jules: Our sympathies go out to Mr. Cavanaugh’s family, and we would like to offer counseling to anyone who feels that they might need it.
Shawn and Gus watch the two detectives.
Gus: Who’s the blonde?
Shawn: Lassiter’s new partner. They transferred his girlfriend.
Lassiter interrupts Jules.
Lassiter: And again, we wanna ensure everyone coming out for this fantastic event that it is entirely safe.
Gus: Shawn! They’re gonna stop investigating!
Lassiter: One last question, and then I really have to go wrap up this thing.
Gus: Do something!
Reporter: Is there any word as to what Cavanaugh’s big announcement was?
Shawn closes his eyes and starts to yell.
Shawn: Moo goo gai pan! Beef lo mein, kung pao!
The cameras point to Shawn.
Shawn: Check the food! It was murder!
Shawn opens his eyes to find all the reporters in front of him.
Shawn: Oh, did I just say all of that out loud?
Shawn and Gus are outside the building. Shawn looks at the food sample he took a while ago.
Gus: Shawn, you’ll never find out what that is without a lab.
Shawn: I’ll get a lab.
Gus: A high-tech lab? Right now?
Shawn: Maybe. I might have a connection.
Shawn drops by his father’s house.
Shawn: Hey, Dad, great shirt!
Henry: You want something.
Shawn: Why do you always think I want something?
Henry: Oh, you don’t want anything. What a pleasant surprise.
Shawn: Okay, you got me! I want something.
Henry: I got a poker game in 45 minutes.
Shawn: You still talk to Jim Syklan?
Henry: Syklan? Sometimes. Why, what’s he to you?
Shawn: Is he still working at the regional crime lab out here?
Henry: Last I checked. Why?
Shawn: I need to know what this is.
Shawn shows his dad the bagged food sample.
Henry: It looks like a Number 15 with chicken.
Shawn: Dad, you made a joke! I think there’s poison in it.
Henry: Goodbye, Shawn.
Henry closes the sliding door on Shawn. Shawn groans. He runs to the window.
Shawn: It’s just one time! Once!
Henry: No cases, Shawn! I was painfully clear about that.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, this isn’t for a case. This is for a friend.
Henry: Oh, friend, different. No!
Henry closes the curtains. Henry steps out of the house.
Shawn: Look, I’ll do anything whatever you want, it’s one favor. Anything he can tell me about this would be very helpful. It’s serious.
Henry: Shawn, this is really important to you?
Henry: And you’d do anything?
Shawn: Name it.
Moments later, Henry chuckles as he carries something out of the garage.
Henry: Grab a saw.
Shawn: What, now?
Henry: Well, you said you’d do anything, right?
Shawn grabs a saw from the garage.
Shawn: You know, most people will wait five, six whole minutes before they cash in a favor. I will not saw through a bone for you.
Henry chuckles. He uncovers the project for his son.
Shawn: The doghouse? From eighth grade?
Henry: Well, it’s not really a doghouse. Not yet.
Shawn: What do you want me to do?
Henry: Finish it.
Shawn: What, now?
Henry: Or whenever you want your information. You got more wood out back, nails on the workbench, Home Depot’s open till 9:00. Don’t cut any corners.
Henry makes his way to his pick-up truck.
Shawn: You’re insane!
Henry: You’re losing light! Make sure you lock up.
Henry drives away.
Shawn: It’s creepy that you kept this!
Shawn remembers the time when he asked his dad for a dog.
Henry: Shawn, you’ve done absolutely nothing to convince me that you’re responsible enough for a dog.
Young Shawn: You never give me a chance.
Henry: Chances are earned, Shawn.
Young Shawn: You never let me earn it!
Henry: Fair enough. You’re gonna need a doghouse.
Young Shawn: I saw one at the hardware store.
Henry: No, no, no, no. You’re gonna make it.
Young Shawn: I can’t.
Henry: Well, it seems to me that somebody who thinks they’re responsible enough for the life of an animal should certainly be able to construct a roof for the ratty little thing.
Young Shawn: All right, I’ll make it. I’ll make it right now.
Present time, nightfall. Henry returns to his house. Shawn is still working on the doghouse.
Henry: What is that?
Shawn: “What is that?” It’s the doghouse.
Henry: No, it’s not.
Shawn: What are you talking about?
Henry: I gave you specifications.
Henry: When I gave you the job.
Shawn: In 1989?
Henry: Shawn, you know as well as I do this is not what I asked for. Keep working. Don’t be too loud. The neighbors are trying to sleep.
Henry enters the house. Shawn is annoyed and raises the hammer. He then gives the doghouse a soft kick. The doghouse falls apart.
Young Shawn builds an ugly looking doghouse. Henry arrives. He chuckles.
Henry: You expect me to be okay with this?
Young Shawn: I worked hard on it.
Henry: Shawn, you’ve been at this for hours now. The nails aren’t pounded in all the way. The base has gotta be up off the ground. If it rains, the rain’s gonna flow right in, and who’s gonna fit in through that door? That door’s not high enough.
Young Shawn: I built it, Dad, what do you want me to do?
Henry: I want you to do it right.
Later that night, angry Shawn rides his motorbike when his van tries to run him over. Shawn. He swerves and is thrown off from his bike to the bushes.
The following day, Gus is at a restaurant talking on his mobile phone.
Gus: Listen, Dr. Sloane, if I can get you this product this afternoon, would it be possible to sit down with you to discuss the, uh –
Gus sees the Spelling Bee competition on the TV.
Gus resumes talking on the phone.
Gus: The unbelievable results we’ve been having…
The camera focuses on the boy’s inhaler.
Gus: I’m sorry. Can I call you back? Thanks.
Gus hangs up. He notes the name of the doctor written on the inhaler, “Dr. Zavin”.
His cellphone rings.
Gus: Burton Guster. Shawn? You’re in the hospital? What happened?
Gus picks Shawn at the hospital. Shawn groans as he walks with a bandaged leg and arm.
Gus: You call your dad?
Shawn: I’m fine. They’re releasing me.
Gus: Did you call him?
Shawn: Gus, I am not gonna talk to my dad.
Gus: He’d wanna know you’re okay.
Shawn: All he cares about are results just like those possessed spelling bee parents. You know what’s wrong with this? All of this.
Gus: Shawn, you’re delirious. You’re upset. You lost control of your bike last night.
Shawn: Gus, I didn’t lose control of anything. Someone tried to kill me or send a very serious message.
Shawn and Gus visit Brendan Vu at the hospital.
Mrs. Vu: Brendan appreciates you checking on him.
Shawn: Well, we were in the neighborhood. And, Gus here is a huge fan. He almost won the spelling bee himself.
Gus: I took some bad advice.
Shawn notices the inhaler.
Mrs. Vu: Well, Brendan’s going home tomorrow. He’s fine. He’s more upset about missing the spelling bee.
Shawn: Well, maybe they’ll decide to redo the whole thing.
Brendan: Why’d they do that?
Shawn and Gus leave the hospital room.
Shawn: Did you see the inhaler?
Gus: Same one as the little Czech kid?
Shawn: Get me a seating chart. I’ll bet you I know who Brendan was sitting next to on day one.
Gus: I already checked it out.
Gus: Shawn, something’s going on with that Czech kid.
Shawn: Talk to me.
Gus: The doctor on his inhaler, Dr. Zavin, in Ventura?
Gus: He doesn’t exist. I do training on that route. The last doctor in the book is Youngerman. I double-checked it today.
Shawn: You’re saying that inhaler…
Gus: Is a fake.
Gus: Where are you going?
Shawn: I am going to build a doghouse!
Shawn returns to Henry’s house to work on the doghouse.
Henry: I thought you gave up.
Shawn: Yeah, well, it doesn’t appear so, huh?
Henry: What happened to your leg?
Shawn: Absolutely nothing.
Henry: You’re running your roofing vertical there, huh?
Henry: You might wanna pop a ridge beam in first.
Shawn: Well, yeah, that’s a given.
Henry takes a piece of wood.
Shawn: What the hell are you doing?
Henry: I’m gonna help you.
Shawn: You’ve never helped me before, ever.
Henry: You’ve never asked. Put a nail in here.
Shawn: All right. This is weird.
Later, Henry offers Shawn a beer.
Shawn: No, thanks.
Henry and Shawn look at the doghouse from inside the kitchen.
Henry: Not bad.
Henry pats his son on the back. Shawn scoffs.
Shawn: “Not bad”? It’s like the Park Hyatt for poodles. Will you call Jack Syklan?
Henry pulls out a file folder.
Shawn: What is this?
Henry: Your results. We had an agreement. This is a derivative of methyl parathion. High-grade stuff. Whatever you’re into, I want you to get out quick. I’m not kidding.
Shawn: Wait a sec. How did you get this so quickly?
Henry: Hmm? Oh, Syklan’s a part of my poker game.
Shawn: So you didn’t even have to call him?
Henry: That game was at his house.
Shawn: And I did all of that for nothing?
Henry: For nothing? Shawn, you’ve never completed a thing in your life. Now, you have.
Shawn walks out.
Later, he and Gus are the Chief’s office.
Shawn: I feel somebody poisoned his food. There is a Styrofoam container, yes, and a…”Happiness is a golden poem”. What?
Shawn imitates cracking.
Shawn: A fortune cookie!
Lassiter: This is ridiculous.
Jules: Is it?
Chief: Mr. Spencer, what we have now points to a medical condition, not murder. All appearances show Mr. Cavanaugh having an anaphylactic reaction.
Gus: Not to be out of line, but that could be triggered by several types of poisons or altered medications.
Lassiter: Or shellfish, which he was allergic to.
Chief: Those results will show up in the toxicology report, which we will have a copy of in approximately two weeks.
Shawn: No, no, no! That’ll be too late.
Shawn stands up.
Shawn: All the contestants will be gone…
Shawn: Home. You won’t be able to finish a real investigation. Chief! I sense this. Look, something got out of control and the perpetrator was willing to kill to cover it up!
Chief: What proof do you have?
Shawn is silent.
Shawn: Only what I feel.
Lassiter: Why are you still listening to this crap?
Shawn: Dud, what is your glitch?
Lassiter: You! You’re my glitch! Look, he got nowhere with his little inhaler assignment, and then he tells the media that we had a murder scene! Cut him loose, Karen!
The chief looks annoyingly at Lassiter.
Chief: I mean, do whatever you think is best, Chief.
Gus: Mr. Cavanaugh was gonna make an announcement. What about that?
Jules: The Director said he’d recently spoken of retiring.
Shawn: That’s not what he was gonna say.
Lassiter: Oh, you know?
Shawn: I know.
Chief: Mr. Spencer, I asked you to check in about the inhaler incident. If you or your partner have anything about that, I’d be happy to hear about it. Otherwise…
Later, Gus and Shawn walk out of the Chief’s office.
Shawn: We gotta get back into the spellmaster’s room.
Gus: Are you serious?
Shawn: Gus, the killer was there! There’s gotta be some other piece of evidence inside.
Gus and Shawn arrive at the venue of the Spelling Bee Regional Finals.
Gus: We’re not gonna have time to get in there. Besides, it’s locked.
Shawn: We’ll make it work. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How hard is it to get into this event without a ticket?
Shawn spots the jacket of Bill Fineman, the new spellmaster.
Shawn: The new spellmaster. Check it out. It’s exactly what I was hoping you’d say.
Bill Fineman is outside smoking a cigarette. Shawn grabs the jacket that is hanging on the exit door, locking the new spellmaster outside.
Gus: You can’t do that to him!
Shawn: Gus, he has to learn sometime that smoking is bad for him.
At the main theater, the commentators start their coverage of the Spelling Bee.
Co-host: We’re picking it up as a new round commences. A lot of excitement in the air.
Collins: Ooh, yeah.
Co-host: The tension is becoming butyraceous, Bud.
Up in the balcony, Shawn uses the new spellmaster’s key to enter his private box. He and Bus sneak inside. Shawn bumps into a desk and groans.
Shawn: I’m so sorry if my agonizing pain is inconveniencing you.
Shawn spots impressions left on the carpet by a desk.
Shawn: What’s this?
Gus: It’s a mark on a carpet. Let’s go. Someone must have heard that.
Man: Thirty seconds. Live to air. Positions, please.
Gus: Time’s up, Shawn.
Shawn stands up and grunts.
Gus: Did you hear me, Shawn?
Shawn opens a cabinet.
Shawn: I’ve got something!
Shawn pulls out a camera still in its tripod. He places it exactly on the spot where the marks are.
Man: Ten seconds. Prepare the next word.
Shawn: That can’t be right.
Gus: It doesn’t mean anything, Shawn, let’s go.
Man: Broadcast in five, four, three, two…
Shawn shifts the position of the camera.
Shawn: Maybe this direction.
Man: Hello? We need the word now. Is everything okay?
People look up at the balcony.
Man: Leann, something’s wrong, send security.
Shawn speaks on the speakerphone.
Shawn: No, sorry for the delay.
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: Give me a word!
Gus: A word?
Shawn: Yeah! Something hard, but something you can spell.
Gus: I can spell anything.
Shawn: Except “aggiornamento”. Give me one.
Gus: No! You are not gonna be spellmaster!
Shawn: Gus, give me a word so we can get out of here! We’re so close!
Man: Is everything okay up there?
Shawn: It’s fine.
Shawn clears his throat.
Girl: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes. “Banana”.
Gus: “Banana”, Shawn? This is the third round!
Shawn: You could have helped me.
Gus: This is a dead end, Shawn, we’re walking. Let’s go!
Shawn repositions the camera once again.
Girl: Definition, please?
Shawn returns to the desk and speaks on the microphone.
Shawn: A yellow fruit. Also, a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
Girl: Sentence, please?
Shawn: “Anna Banana would like to hear Venus by Bananarama.” “Banana”.
Girl: B-A-N-A-N-A. Banana.
Shawn looks through the camera.
Shawn: Oh, wait a second, I’ve got something!
Shawn looks at one of the father’s they interviewed a few days back.
Shawn: Dude, we got him! He was watching the Czech.
Gus: Let me see.
Gus looks through the camera.
Man: We need to get the next word.
Shawn: Give me a word.
Gus: No! You’re ruining the whole event!
Shawn: Suit yourself. “Onion”.
Collins: “Onion”? Even Dan Quayle could spell that.
Boy: O-N-I-O-N. Onion.
Man: Are we off the list, Bill?
Shawn: Uh, no. Everything’s fine.
Gus: You’re using his grocery list!
Shawn: You refused to help me! Now I gotta give them something else.
Shawn speaks on the microphone.
Shawn: Yes. “When I go to Albertsons, I need to by some Mitchum Ice Blast.” “And bananas.”
Downstairs, Bill Fineman talks to a security guard.
Bill: That wasn’t me! I was locked outside. I have a reputation to uphold!
Shawn and Gus hide in plain sight as Bill Fineman runs up the stairs.
Gus: So, he was watching the Czech, we have no proof. There was no film in the camera!
Shawn and Gus walk down the stairs to the lobby.
Shawn: He was using that lens for something else besides taking pictures. Now, what?
Gus: Cavanaugh was known for ferreting out rule breakers. He once caught a kid stealing the advance word list. And everything he did had a purpose.
Shawn picks up a Spelling Bee program. He looks inside and reads something. He hands it over to Gus. Gus reads the page that listed out the ‘Winning Words’ for Round 2 -- dissimilitude, polka, illith, tautomerism.
Shawn: You couldn’t have grabbed one of these five minutes ago?
Shawn enters the auditorium and limps his way to a seat.
Announcer: We’re down to the final two spellers. This has been a hard-fought battle right from the start!
Gus sits beside Shawn.
Announcer: We’ve had tragedy, controversy, but when it really mattered, these kids put together a fantastic display of the power of learning.
Gus continues to read the Spelling Bee brochure. He does a raspberry.
Gus: Look at this. Brendan Vu went down on “gladiolus”.
Gus: So? If I’d been able to see any of the competition, I could have told you that was the winning word from the first spelling bee in 1929.
Shawn: Okay, you’re scaring me again.
Gus: All of these words from that round were the winning words. They do that once in a while, they make it a theme round. This one won the 1985 bee. This one from 1943.
Shawn: Gus, what are you saying?
Gus: Guess which kid got the winning word from 1953?
Shawn mouths “I don’t know”. Gus points at Mr. Prochazka.
Gus: You’re staring at his father.
Shawn: Gus, that’s who Cavanaugh was gonna disqualify. That’s what he was tracking in the rulebook! 1953! It was 1953.
Fineman: Jiri Prochazka, you have the next word. “Mastoparietal.”
Jiri: Part of speech?
Fineman: It is an adjective.
Shawn watches Mr. Prochazka.
Jiri: Could I have the definition?
Jiri: Relating to the mastoid portion of the temporal bone, and to the parietal lobe.
Jiri looks at his father. Mr. Prochazka reads a dictionary and starts to make some unnoticeable signals with his fingers.
Jiri tightens his grip on his inhaler.
Shawn watches Mr. Prochazka as he makes the signals.
Shawn: I got him.
Gus: Let’s call the chief.
Gus gets off his seat. Shawn does the same.
Judge: And this year’s winner of the Central California Regionals is Jiri Prochazka!
The Judge hands Jiri a big check. The Chief of Police enters the auditorium.
Shawn is now on the stage and starts whooping.
Shawn: Move out, people, this is what you came to see, right here. This is it. Yes!
Shawn raises Jiri and Mr. Prochazka’s arms.
The police guard the exits.
Shawn: This competition meant everything to Miklous!
Shawn’s body starts shaking.
Shawn: Oh, boy! Gus! Gus, here we go! Gus, it’s happening!
Shawn lets go of Mr. Prochazka and Jiri’s arms. He groans, and appears to be possessed.
Shawn: I know who killed Elvin Cavanaugh.
Chief: Can’t he ever just tell us to arrest someone?
Jules: He does this a lot?
Shawn: I’m sorry. I’m kind of a slave to my visions. I’m a slave.
Lassiter: Do you want me to cuff him?
Chief: Why—why would I want that?
Lassiter: Just a suggestion.
Chief: They just sort of come when they wanna come, and Jiri. Spell “soubrette”.
Mr. Prochazka: Why is this man speaking?
Shawn: You can’t, can you? Not without help from your dad. And that’s not a real inhaler, is it?
Mr. Prochazka: This is crazy, this…This…
A flashback ensues. Mr. Cavanaugh is watching the audience through his camera. He sees Mr. Prochazka doing the signals with his finger.
Shawn: Cheating was Cavanaugh’s obsession. He was gonna expose you as a cheater. He was gonna disqualify Jiri, and you knew it, and you couldn’t let that happen. You had way too much to lose. You slipped into the box. You knew his comfort was food!
Flashback: Mr. Prochazka puts poison into Mr. Cavanaugh’s Chinese food.
Shawn: He was dangerously unhealthy!
Flashback: Mr. Cavanaugh eats his poisoned noodles.
Shawn: Oh. He’s starting to go into shock.
Flashback: Mr. Cavanaugh looks fatally ill.
Shawn: You knew he wouldn’t stop the bee! He never stops the bee. By the end of the round, it was too late! Too dizzy to walk, he stumbles…
Flashback: Mr. Cavanaugh holds his stomach, his face filled with so much pain. He could barely stand, and grabs on to the rail.
Shawn: He tumbles over the rail.
Flashback: Mr. Cavanaugh falls off the balcony right before Shawn and Gus’ eyes.
Shawn: Crashes onto the chairs below.
Flashback: The people scream and gather around Mr. Cavanaugh, but Mr. Prochazka remains calmly on his seat with a smirk on his face.
Shawn: And there goes the evidence. Except for one thing. That inhaler.
Jiri puts the inhaler in his pocket.
Shawn: It sends electronic signals! The transmitter is in your jacket. You sent the signals from the audience to the stage. And I bet at your home, we’ll find the van that ran me off the road when I alerted the police!
Flashback: The van comes head-to-head with Shawn’s motorcycle. Shawn swerves and was thrown off his motorcycle.
Shawn: Dangerous cocktail, unforgiving poisons.
Jules: You don’t need it. I took your advice. I ran the Chinese food through the lab. Nothing’s definite. I’m sorry.
Jules looks at the Chief and Lassiter then to Shawn.
Jules: He just seems sure. I took a shot.
Shawn mouths “Thank you” at Jules.
Chief: I’ll take it from here.
The judge grabs the giant check from Jiri.
Jules escorts Jiri to the police car. Lassiter does the same with Mr. Prochazka.
Gus: I could’ve won that thing.
Shawn: Yeah, you could’ve. Thank the Lord you didn’t.
Gus: What’s that suppose to mean?
Shawn: Oh, Gus. The guy who wins? Saddled forever as, you know, the dude that won the spelling bee. I’m sure you would’ve dealt with it later, but kids, high school kids especially; they’re just ruthless, judgmental. Horrible little bastards. You wouldn’t have been able to date a cheerleader. They wouldn’t have invited you to any parties. You’d been the object of ridicule. I mean, this way, you got to be a smart kid and a cool kid. Best of both worlds.
Gus: That’s true. I appreciate that, Shawn.
Shawn: Yeah, it’s a nice balance. That’s why I had to give you the wrong letter.
Gus: You knew that was wrong?
Shawn: Oh, come on, Gus. “Aggiornamento”? Everybody knew it was an “I”.
Gus looks really upset.
Shawn: All right, you hold on. You were happy one second ago.
Gus: I was about to win! I studied for three months.
Shawn: And you would have kept studying forever and ever! All the way till Nationals!
Shawn starts walking away from Gus as he starts to come closer to Shawn.
Shawn: But you’re upset now, I can see that. But you’ll be fine with it later.
Gus: You know what that did to me?
Shawn: Yes, yes, I do. We went out the next night, and, and, you were so flustered that you threw caution to the wind, and you hooked up with Melinda Castleberg! It was nice!
Gus runs towards Shawn. Shawn who is still limping tries to run away.
Shawn: At least I was honest.
Shawn continues to run. Gus chases after him.
Gus: Come here!
The following day, Shawn knocks at his father’s door. His father answers the door.
Henry: Ah, Shawn, what a coincidence. Yeah, I was just reading the newspaper, a little article that sounded very familiar about a spelling bee.
Shawn: Thanks for the help, Dad.
Henry: Police ever get that evidence?
Shawn: Yeah, a funny little bird tipped them off.
Henry: Leg doing better?
Shawn: It’s getting there, doesn’t hurt so bad.
Shawn: Listen, Dad, the thing about the house, the dog. It was kind of a big deal. And—and I know I held a grudge about it for a while. But I think you were right. A dog needs a house, and a doghouse needs an occupant. So, as a token of my appreciation, I left you a little something. Sincerely, thanks.
Shawn turns his back, and walks away grinning.
Henry: Shawn. Shawn! No. No way!
Henry walks out to the porch to find a puppy on his yard tied to a pole by the doghouse.
Shawn: Enjoy, Dad.
Henry: Shawn, you gotta take this thing with you!
Shawn walks out the fence, and locks it.
Shawn: You kidding? There’s no pets allowed in my apartment!
Henry: I’m gonna stick It on the street, Shawn!
Shawn: I swear I’m gonna stick…Shawn!
Shawn runs towards Gus who is watching a couple of feet away from Henry’s house. Shawn snickers.
Gus: He’s not gonna keep that thing, you know.
Shawn: Eh, it’s my neighbor’s dog. Shawn! Take a lap around the block. Let him stew a little bit.
Henry: I’m gonna take it, and I’m gonna go.
Henry carries the dog and threatens to throw it.
Henry: And I’m gonna stick it on the street! Shawn! Shawn!
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Spellingg Bee” episode was written by Steve Franks. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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