Brian Hackett is answering a crossword puzzle when Lowell Mather walks by.
Brian: Hey, Lowell, Lowell, Lowell, help me out here.
Lowell: I need a six letter word for “duck”.
Lowell Mather takes a deep breath then exhales.
Brian: Great. Mallard. M-A-L-L-A—no, no, no, no, Mallard doesn’t fit. It’s got seven letters.
Lowell: Ah sure does, Brian. The L’s are real skinny so you can just squeeze ‘em both into the same box.
Lowell writes “MALLARD” onto the crossword puzzle.
Lowell: Just like that.
Brian: Ok, so—so if I needed a five letter word for “useless”, I could use Lowell and then take the 2 last L’s and put ‘em in one box.
Lowell: Now you’re catchin’ on.
The next morning, Roy Biggins walks over to the Sandpiper Air counter.
Roy: Fay, I’m looking for a nice, romantic place to take a woman for a—for a special dinner. Have any suggestions.
Fay: Well, how about Pontrelli’s?
Roy: Pontrelli’s? Oh, Fay, that’s a little pricey. I know: I’ll just eat most of my steak, and then send it back. Thanks.
Fay: Uh—uh, Roy, how did you and your lady friend meet?
Roy: Well, we haven’t exactly met. We, uh…we answered each other’s ads in the back of a magazine. That’s why I’m a little nervous.
Roy: Well, I have exaggerated about myself a bit. I mean, that’s the way these things work. I just hope she’s not gonna be as disappointed in me as I’m sure I’m gonna be in her.
Fay: How could she be disappointed in a romantic like you? After all, you did pick Valentine’s Day for your first date.
Roy: Today’s Valentine’s day? Damn! That means I’m gonna have to get flowers, right? Sheesh!
Roy Biggins dials the phone. Fay Cochran walks away. Brian runs down the stairs, while a woman enters the terminal from Gate 1.
Woman: Oh, I’m sorry. I—I almost ran into you.
Brian: Oh, I know. Look, uh, why don’t we back up and see if we can get it right this time?
The woman just smiles then walks away.
Brian: Hey, uh, can I help you with those?
Woman: No, thanks, they’re light. They’re just my sample cases.
Brian: Oh, sample…you’re in sales, huh? Well, whatever you’re selling I’m buying. What am I buying?
Brian: Well, being high-waisted, I’m murder to fit but I’ll take a peek-a-boo teddy in a 42 regular.
The woman chuckles.
Woman: Look, I gotta get going.
Brian: Oh, come on, you’re makin’ me work awful hard here. How about it? Would you like, uh, some lunch?
Woman: I have sales appointments for the rest of the day.
Brian: Oh, wow. That’s too bad. Tsk. Well, it was worth a shot. Thanks.
Brian walks away.
Woman: Hey, don’t you people eat dinner on this island?
Brian: Yeah, I suppose we could. We have the technology.
Brian walks back to the woman.
Brian: Well, great. So, can you meet me back here at 8’oclock?
Brian extends his hand.
Brian: Pretty sure it’s Brian, but I’ll double-check.
Stephanie: I’ll see you tonight.
The woman leaves, and Brian walks away. Joe Hackett makes his way to the lunch counter holding his gift behind his back.
Helen: Yes, Joe.
Joe Hackett gives Helen a large heart-shaped box of chocolates.
Joe: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Helen falls silent.
Helen: Is this your idea of a joke?
Joe: Uh, no, it’s my idea of chocolate. You know, some sweets for my sweetie?
Helen: How can you be so insensitive?
Joe: Ok, wait, wait. W-what are you talkin’ about? It’s Valentine’s Day. You’re supposed to give people candy on Valentine’s Day.
Helen: You don’t get it, do you, Joe?
Helen: Then, I’m sorry. Forget about it. You’re not insenstitive, you’re s-s-stupid!
Joe: Stupid. Stu-stupid? I’m stupid?
Helen: Good, Joe. You’re learning by repetition.
Joe: Look, I don’t know what has gotten into you, but I don’t have to take this.
Joe walks away.
Helen: Oh, fine, Joe. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Joe: Yeah, same to you.
Joe leaves the terminal.
Fay: Uh, Helen, could I see you in Joe’s office for a minute, please?
Fay and Helen make their way to the Sandpiper Air office. Lowell goes over to the lunch counter.
Lowell: Hey, whose, uh, chocolates are these?
Helen: Don’t thank me, thank Joe.
Lowell: So, he didn’t forget.
Fay and Helen enter the Sandpiper Air office.
Helen: Well, what is it, Fay?
Fay: Uh, may I see your hand?
Helen shows Fay her hand. Fay takes Helen’s hand then slaps it.
Fay: Believe me, that hurt me more than it hurt you.
Helen: I don’t think so.
Fay: Well, I do. I have a touch of arthritis in this hand. Now, Helen, Joe went out of his way—
Fay: To get you a nice present. How could you be so mean to him? You know how sensitive he is.
Helen: Oh, well, if he’s so sensitive, why did he give me chocolates?
Fay: Oh, what were your expecting, diamonds? Little gold digger.
Helen: No, Fay, it’s nothing like that. It’s just that I have been fighting this weight problem all of my life, and now that I’m finally thin, my boyfriend wants to make me so huge that no one’ll be attracted to me ever again.
Fay: Oh, right, you caught on to his clever plan. Oh, I—I better call up and cancel that truckload of mashed potatoes he’s having delivered to your house. Oh, Helen, you’re making too big a deal of this. Joe’s heart was in the right place.
Helen: Oh, Fay, I guess I really blew it. I’m just sort of new at having a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day. I’m not really sure how to act.
Fay: Well, I’m—I’m not sure either, but if I were you, I’d try something else.
Later that night, Joe returns to the terminal.
Joe: Hey, Brian, where’s Helen?
Brian: She, uh, she closed up the counter and left for the day.
Joe: Oh, boy, she is ticked off at me about somethin’. I—I don’t know, I gave her a nice big box of Valentine candy, and she went nuts.
Brian: Candy for someone who’s been battling a weight problem ever since they started on solid food…nah, that couldn’t be it.
Joe: Oh, God, I better go call her.
Brian: Gee, you think?
Passengers from a flight arrive at the terminal. A lady walks over to the Aeromass Counter.
Woman: Excuse me, I’m looking for Roy Biggins.
Roy: Uh, I—I—I’ll, uh…I’ll see if he’s in.
Roy walks over to Fay at the Sandpiper Air counter.
Roy: Fay, she double-crossed me. She’s gorgeous. She didn’t lie in her ad at all. What am I gonna do?
Fay: Now, Roy, pull yourself together. You’re a fine-looking man who carries himself with style and class.
Fay: Now, tuck in your shirt, zip up your fly, and go and sweep that gal off her feet.
Roy looks at his zipper. He exclaims then zips it up. Roy walks over to Karen.
Roy: Hi, Karen. I’m Roy Biggins.
Roy shakes Karen’s hand.
Roy: That—that was my idea of a—
Roy: Of a little joke.
Karen: Well, you did say you had a sense of humor.
Roy: Yeah, but I didn’t say it was a good one.
Karen: You know, Roy, you’re…
Karen looks at Roy from head to toe.
Karen: Not at all what I pictured.
Roy: Yeah, uh…look, I’d understand if, uh, you know, you wanna back out of this date right now.
Roy snaps his fingers.
Roy: No hard feelings.
Karen: What makes you think I don’t like what I see?
Roy: Please tell me there’s no one standing behind me.
Karen: Some guy in coveralls with chocolate all over his face.
Lowell smiles his teeth covered with chocolate.
Karen: Roy, I came to Nantucket to have a Valentine’s Day dinner with a charming man who wrote me all those lovely letters.
Roy: Well, in that case, madam, ho, ho! Your carriage awaits.
Karen takes Roy’s arm.
Karen: Why thank you sir. You know, I’ve never ridden in a Porsche before.
Roy stops in his tracks.
Roy: Uh, yeah, uh, that. Uh…uh, it’s in the shop.
Roy: But they—they did give me a loaner. Wait till you see it. A purple El Camino.
Roy: But what can you do, huh?
Karen and Roy leave. Joe steps out of his office, and walks over to Brian.
Joe: Well, I tried to call her, but she wasn’t home.
Joe takes a seat beside Brian.
A courier walks over to Joe.
Man: Joe Hackett?
The man hands Joe a box of flowers.
Man: Happy Valentine’s Day.
Joe: Oh, thanks.
The man leaves.
Brian: Oh, he’s a cute one, Joe. I wish you both the best.
Joe reads the note that came with the flowers.
Joe: “Sorry about this morning. I’d like to make it up to you. Meet me at our special place, tonight, 8:00. Your stupid Valentine.” Oh, that’s sweet. I better get going if I’m gonna make it.
Brian: Hey, uh, where’s this special place?
Joe: Indian Point. You know—you know, the place where the kids go and park and make out?
Brian: Make out, yeah.
Joe: Yeah, that’s where we had our first kiss. Ha! Well, you ought to know, you were hidin’ in the back seat.
Brian: You would have gotten a lot further if you weren’t so hung up on privacy.
Joe smacks Brian’s head with the box of flowers.
Helen is at Pontrelli’s waiting for Joe. The waiter approaches Helen.
Antonio: Signorina, are you ready to order?
Helen: Oh, no, thank you, I’m waiting for my valentine. This is our special place.
The waiter walks away with a smile. Later, the waiter approaches Helen again.
Antonio: Signorina, are you all right?
Helen: Oh yes.
Antonio: It has been so long, and still he does not show. You should not be alone.
Helen: I’m not alone.
Antonio: Look around you.
The waiter points at the couples at the restaurant.
Antonio: Due, due, due, due, due, due, due, due…
The waiter points at Helen.
Helen: My boyfriend will be here any minute.
Antonio: Of course, signorina. Whatever you say.
The waiter makes his way back to the kitchen, and bemoans in Italian to another waiter.
Roy arrives at the restaurant with Karen.
Karen: Roy, this looks lovely.
Roy: Yeah, I’ve never really eaten here, but it sure smells good everytime I drive by.
Karen laughs. Helen sees Roy.
Roy: Oh, hi, Helen.
Helen: She’s gorgeous!
Roy: Yeah, I know, and she seems to be enjoying my company.
Roy: We’re obviously dealing with a very sick woman here.
Helen: Roy, maybe she likes you.
Roy: Oh, come off it, Helen. I—I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but as God is my witness, I’m sure gonna find out.
Roy walks over to his date. The waiter walks over to Helen with a dish.
Antonio: Some prosciutto e melone.
Helen: Uh, no, I didn’t order this.
Antonio: Scusi, please, m-my compliments, signorina. A little something in your stomach helps to ease the pain of your wretched loneliness.
Helen: I am not in pain.
Antonio: Well, then.
The waiter takes the plate away.
Antonio: Well, my feet hurt a little bit.
Over at Roy and his date’s table.
Roy: So, uh, tell me a little bit about yourself.
Karen: Well, I’m originally from Cleveland, but my family moved to Gloucester when I was 8.
Roy: Oh, Gloucester’s lovely. Ooh, very picturesque. Does insanity run in your family?
Roy: Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing. They—they tell me this restaurant is really great. They—they say the chef came all the way over from Naples. Ever been in prison?
Roy: What a coincidence, me either.
At the airport terminal, Brian sits alone in the dark.
A woman in her red negligee walks down the stairs.
Brian: Uh-huh. Yes.
Brian chuckles softly.
Brian: Yeah. Yes, nothing like a little pre-dinner fashion show to stimulate the old appetite.
Stephanie: Well, I know I’m hungry.
Brian and Stephanie has just started kissing when the phone starts ringing.
Stephanie: Aren’t you gonna answer the phone?
Brian: Is that the phone? I thought my lips were ringing.
They continue kissing. Brian picks the handset. Both of them chuckle. Brian finally answers the phone.
Brian: What?! What?! What?!
Helen: Brian, is Joe there?
Brian: No, Joe is not here. I thought he was with you at your special place.
Helen: Well, he’s not. I’ve been waiting at this damn restaurant for over an hour.
Helen: Yeah, down at Pontrelli’s.
Brian: Oh—oh, y-yes, yes. Well, you know he…he just got a late start, is all. But I’m—I’m sure he’ll be there any second now.
Helen: Oh, ok, thanks.
Brian: It’s ok. Now, Stephanie, I—I hate to leave you at this critical juncture, but I’ve gotta deliver a message to my brother, other his girlfriend will hate him for the rest of his days. Promise me you’ll be here upon my return.
Stephanie: Absolutely. No problem.
Brian: Thank you.
Stephanie: And when you get back, I’ll be wearing this.
Stephanie pulls out a black even skimpier negligee.
Brian: I mean, we’re brothers, but it’s not like we’re Siamese twins, you know?
Joe is waiting at Indian Point when a couple pulls over.
Joe flashes his flashlight.
Joe: Oh, sorry! I’m sorry about that. It was my mistake.
The man gets out of the car, and slams the car door.
Man: What the hell do you think you’re doing?
Joe: Oh, just looking—
Man: Yeah. I noticed. Listen, my girlfriend and I came up here to have a good time. What are you doing up here alone?
Joe: I—I—I’m not alone. I’m waiting for someone.
Brian arrives in his bike.
Brian: Joe! Yo!
Brian breaks, and the tires start skidding. Brian laughs.
Man: This is perfect.
The guy turns to his girlfriend.
Man: Hey, Elaine! He’s waitin’ for another guy!
Joe: It’s not another guy. It’s my brother.
Man: Oh, and I thought it was somethin’ weird.
Joe: Brian, what are you doing here?
Brian: Freezing my giblets off so I could save yours. Now, look, you’re in the wrong special place. Helen has been sitting at Pontrelli’s for the last hour.
Joe: Great. My special place is where we kissed, and her special place is where we ate. All right, throw the bike in the back. Get in, let’s go.
Joe starts the car’s engine.
Joe: Come on. Come on. Come on. I don’t believe this. It’s dead. Gonna have to take the bike.
Joe takes the bike.
Brian: But why don’t we just ask him if he’ll jump us?
Joe: No, please, don’t. Get on.
Brian who still is in his robe sits on the bike’s handles.
Joe: By the way, nice dress.
Brian: What, this old thing?
Helen is still at the restaurant moping. The waiter comes over and walks over to the empty seat.
Helen: No, he does not show.
Antonio: I hate to see a beautiful woman alone on such a romantic night.
The waiter turns to another waiter.
Antonio: He’s only a busboy now, but he was “headwaiter” written all over him.
Helen: Oh, you know, he’s really…I’m—
Waiter; Signorina, meet my cousin Giacomo.
Giacomo sits at Helen’s table.
Antonio: Your valentine for this evening.
Helen clears her throat.
Giacomo starts making sexual insinuations in Italian. The waiter goes over to Giacomo slaps his face and kicks him out. The waiter pours wine on Helen’s glass.
Helen: What’d he say?
Antonio: He say you’re nice.
At Roy’s table…
Roy: So, Karen.
Karen: Yes, Roy?
Roy: Have you always been a woman?
Roy: I’m not saying they didn’t do a good job.
Karen: Do you mind if I’m honest with you?
Roy: Well, well, it’s about time.
Karen: You lied about your looks, fine. I don’t get hung up on looks, and at first, I found your…awkward shyness to be endearing, but your overwhelming insecurity, and your total lack of self-esteem borders on the pathetic. So, although you were not unattractive to me when we first met, you have certainly become so. I’m sorry, but consider this date officially over.
Karen slams the table napkin on the table and leaves.
Roy: I knew it! You’re afraid of commitment!
Helen walks over to Roy’s table.
Helen: Well, Roy, looks like we’ve both been left in the lurch. What happened to your date?
Roy: Oh, she turned out to be a real screwball. What about you?
Helen: Joe stood me up. I asked him to meet me here, because this is where we had our first date, but I guess he’s still mad at me.
Roy: I thought your first date was when you went to park up at Indian Point.
Helen: No, no, that was after. We went here first. Surely, Joe wouldn’t have…
Helen gets off her chair.
Helen: See you, Roy. Happy Valentine’s Day.
Helen rushes out of the restaurant.
The waiter comes out of the kitchen, and sees Roy alone at the table.
Antonio: So, you, too, are alone.
The waiter beckons to the kitchen.
A cute, but heavyset woman comes out of the kitchen. Joe arrives at Pontrelli’s.
Antonio: Signore, can I help you?
Joe: Uh, y-yeah, yeah, maybe. I’m looking for my girlfriend. She’s a cute blonde, about this tall…
The waiter looks at Joe with utter disgust.
Antonio: Finally, he comes.
Joe: So, she was here?
Antonio: Yes. All alone, for 2 hours. Signore, I suggest you leave.
Joe: Wait, but I—I—
Giacomo walks over to Joe.
Antonio: Signore, this man can disembowel a pig in 28 seconds.
Joe: :Pig, you, no difference.
Antonio: Maybe 5 seconds.
The waiter slaps Joe’s arm.
Antonio: Why you do this thing to such a beautiful lady?
Joe starts stuttering.
Joe: It was a misunderstanding. I—I Thought we were gonna meet in one place, and she thought we were gonna meet in another.
Antonio: Ahhh! This is so sad. Star-crossed lovers.
The waiter walks over to Giacomo.
Antonio: Romeo e Juliet, si?
Giacomo nods and walks away.
Joe: Well, this is just great.
Antonio: Signore, please, you sit. You sit.
The waiter turns to Giacomo.
Antonio: Giacomo, some Chianti for my friend.
Giacomo points at his watch.
Giacomo: Ah-ah-ah-ah. Coffee, uh, break.
The waiter smiles.
Antonio: His first words of English.
The waiter still smiling walks over to Giacomo then slaps his face with both hands.
Antonio: Chianti! Chianti!
Giacomo runs to the kitchen.
The restaurant is already empty with customers except for Joe, and the crew who are all having drinks.
Joe: Women. They never see anything from our perspective. They always take the female side.
Giacomo complains in Italian.
Antonio: They’re all spoiled little bambine. They don’t get their way, and it’s…
The waiter feigns crying. Giacomo starts singing La Donna Mobile, and everybody follows.
Helen arrives at the restaurant, and walks over to Joe. The men stand up.
Helen: Joe, what the hell is goin’ on here?
Helen: I just got back from Indian Point, where some kid told me that you left on a bike with a man wearing a dress.
Joe who is already drunk just laughs.
Joe: That was Brian.
Helen looks at the waiter who is standing close beside her eyeing her.
Helen: Do you mind if we have a little privacy?
Joe: Hey, Helen, Helen.
Joe starts speaking with an Italian accent.
Joe: Anything you can say to me, you can say in front of my goombas.
Joe puts an arm around Giacomo. The men cheer.
Joe: Oh, ok, ok, ok.
Joe starts speaking Italian.
Joe: Le donne sono tutte bambine.
Joe asks everybody to give them a few minutes together. The men leave.
Joe: Grazie. Grazie. Grazie.
Helen: Where did you learn to speak Italian?
Joe: I don’t speak Italian.
Joe takes a seat.
Helen: Joe, how could you think that Indian Point was our special place?
Helen also grabs a seat.
Helen: This restaurant is where we had our first romantic dinner.
Joe: Yeah, but, Helen, Indian Point…
Joe puts his hand on Helen’s chin.
Joe: It’s where we had our first romantic kiss.
Joe leans closer to kiss Helen. Helen just smiles and looks away.
Helen: Ok. I guess that was kinda special.
Joe: Oh, I really messed this up, didn’t I?
Helen: No, Joe, I’m sorry I yelled at you about those chocolates.
Joe: Well, it was pretty insensitive of me to give you that candy.
Joe sees a plate of cannoli on the table.
Helen: No, thank you.
Joe grabs one and takes a bite.
Helen: I just wanted this Valentine’s Day to be extra-special. Never had a good one. Never.
Helen: Do you know what it’s like to be the fattest girl in school on Valentine’s day?
Helen: You know how everybody would exchange valentines? Well, everyone would get all these really great ones, you know, like, Mickey kissing Minnie, and I’d always get the lame-o ones like Dopey huggin’ a tree stump. And I only got that because the teacher told the boys they had to give one to everybody.
Joe: Dopey’s cute.
Joe starts to chuckle.
Helen: Dopey’s a bald dwarf with big ears. And then, the only date I would have on Valentine’s day would be a 2-pound box of chocolates, which I bought for myself. Then after an hour, when it was gone, I would be all alone again. So sometimes, like when you didn’t show up tonight, I just still see myself as that fat little girl.
Joe: Hey, Helen, I am sitting here, and I see a…a warm, tender, sexy woman with…soft eyes, and a big heart.
Helen: Oh, you’re drunk.
Helen smiles at Joe.
Joe: But I’m not blind.
Helen: Thank you, Joe.
Joe: Be my valentine?
Helen: Be mine.
Helen and Joe start kissing, and the waiters peep from the kitchen.
Antonio: That’s amore.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places” episode was written by Bill Diamond & Michael Saltzman. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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