A man walks over at Sandpiper Air’s counter.
Man: Hi, I’d like to make a reservation on your next flight to Provincetown.
Faye: Uh, I’m sorry, our computer’s tied up right now.
Faye turns to Kenny and Brian who are at the computer.
Music starts playing from the computer.
Kenny: 85,000 points and 3 swords in the dragon’s eye. Beat that, you weenie.
Brian: Step aside, Yoda. You’re in the wizard’s glow.
Faye: No. No, no. I—I need this computer for business.
Faye takes over the computer.
Brian: Ok, ok. Kenny, we got an important job to do.
Kenny: What’s that?
Brian: We’ve got to sneak into Roy’s plane and cut holes in his airsick bags.
Man: Who are those bozos?
Faye: Our pilots.
The man walks away, while Faye’s back is turned.
Helen enters Joe’s office.
Joe: I’m out in the hangar, Helen.
Helen: Joe, I need to send some flowers. Where did you get those roses you sent me?
Joe: Oh, the Flower Basket out on cliff road.
Helen: Do you have that nuber?
Joe: Yeah. It’s in my phone book, top right-hand drawer.
Helen goes over to Joe’s desk and opens the drawer. She takes out Joe’s phonebook. Joe rushes out to get it from her.
Joe: Here, let me find that for you.
Joe grabs his phonebook.
Joe: That number is 9-5-6—
Helen: Excuse me. Uh, why’d you run in here and grab that book out of my hand?
Joe: No reason. Just a crazy impulse. You know what a madcap I am.
Helen: That’s hubcap. What are you tryin’ to hide from me?
Joe: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. Hide something?
Joe walks over to Helen.
Joe: Helen, you are being a little bit paranoid. You have absolutely no reason to think—
Joe puts the phonebook back inside the drawer and locks it.
Joe: That I’m trying to hide something from you. My life is an open book.
Joe throws away the key.
Joe: Now, what was the question?
Helen rattles the locked drawer.
Helen: Open up this damn drawer. I wanna know what’s in here.
Helen grabs a letter opener.
Helen: I wanna know right now.
Joe: Hey, Helen!
Joe tries to grab the letter opener from Helen.
Joe: Stop. Stop that! That book is private.
Helen: There are two kinds of private, Joe. There’s the kind where you have nothing to hide, nobody cares diddlysquat about that, and then, there’s the other kind, the kind that’s really private, the kind that makes your forehead break out in a cold sweat.
Joe: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Helen pulls out a facial tissue and hands it to Joe. Joe takes it.
Joe wipes his forehead.
Joe: Helen, how would you like it if I went rifling through your purse?
Helen: I wouldn’t mind at all, I have nothing to hide especially from someone I care about.
Joe: You trying to tell me you have absolutely nothing in there you wouldn’t want me to see?
Helen: No, Joe, I have nothing in here.
Helen grabs her purse.
Helen: What, I’ve got, look, a brush, mascara…whoops! Got to go.
Helen quickly makes her way to the door.
Joe: Hey, wait a minute.
Joe stops Helen.
Joe: Wait a minute. What’s in there?
Helen: What? Nothing, Joe. Just, you know, usual girl stuff. Whips and chains and…a selection of sexual devices from the far east.
Joe: You’re kidding, right?
Helen walks out the door.
At Aeromass’s counter, Roy is reading the newspaper.
Roy: This is disgraceful.
Lowell: What’s that, Roy?
Roy: It says here, “Miss Nantucket Pickled at State Beauty Pageant.” I mean, here she is—
Roy shows Lowell the article.
Roy: A representative of this lovely island, and she gets drunk at the pageant.
Lowell: Well, actually, Roy, it says, “Miss Nantucket Picked at State Beauty Pageant,” not pickled.
Roy grabs the newspaper from Lowell.
Roy: Give me that. Oh, you’re right. That’s good for her.
Lowell: Have you ever considered that you might need glasses, Roy?
Roy: Glasses? No way. I don’t need glasses. Uh-uh.
Lowell: Roy, the loss of physical prowess as we age should not be a source of shame, something to be hidden from the pity of a younger, more capable world. As Dylan once said, “Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage. Rage, for the times they are a-changin’”.
Roy: I think you’re mixing up Bob Dylan with Dylan Thomas.
Lowell: No, that’s ridiculous. Dylan Thomas was the poet laureate of Wales. Bob Dylan starred in Gilligan’s Island.
Roy: No, no, no, that’s Bob Denver.
Lowell: No, Bob Denver is the one who sings “Rocky Mountain High”.
Roy: Oh, right, right.
Lowell walks away, while Roy tries to make sense of their conversation.
A sexy woman enters the airport terminal.
Kenny: Wow, look what just came in from Gate One. Uh!
Brian looks at the woman.
Kenny: I couldn’t even imagine talking to a woman like that.
Brian takes out his gum, and hands it to Kenny.
Brian: Watch this.
Brian walks over to the woman.
Brian: Um, excuse me. Uh, do I know you? Are you a model? What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? What’s your sign? Don’t you think you should have that mole checked?
Brian: Nah, I was just tryin’ to get all those horrible clichés out of the way.
Woman: Well, I’ve never heard the one about the mole.
Brian: Oh, well, works like a charm in Eastern Europe.
The woman chuckles.
Kenny turns to Faye.
Kenny: Ah! Brian’s incredible, isn’t he? I—I just hope that someday I’m as successful with women as he is.
Faye: Oh, well, sure. Shoot at anything that moves. You’re bound to hit something.
Brian walks back to Kenny with a big grin.
Brian: Uh-huh. So, uh, you going out with her?
Kenny hands him his gum.
Brian: Tonight, dinner on me, but not Italian. The meatballs tend to roll off my chest.
Kenny: Well, if you’re in the mood for something deep-fried, I’m working the drive-through window at Ahab’s Fast Fish.
Brian: I didn’t know you had a 2nd job.
Kenny: Oh, no offense, but your brother doesn’t pay very well.
Faye: Are they still hiring?
Joe walks over to Helen’s lunch counter.
Joe: I changed my mind. I think as long as we’re dating, we shouldn’t have any secrets, so, here’s my address book. You go ahead and look in it.
Helen: That’s ok, Joe. I don’t need to look in your book.
Joe: I want you to.
Helen: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Joe: No, go ahead.
Helen looks at Joe’s address book.
Joe: The same page as the florist you were looking up is a name you might recognize.
Helen: Nancy Ferguson?
Joe: Yeah, that’s the one.
Helen: What the hell is Nancy Ferguson doing in your address book?
Joe: Well, to be totally honest, last spring, long before you and I were even thinking about dating, we had an affairly innocuous date.
Helen: Nancy Ferguson?!
Joe: Come on, Helen. You’re the one that wanted to look in my address book. You made this bed, now you have to lie in it.
Helen: I can’t. Nancy Ferguson’s been there! And what is this star by her name?
Joe: Uh, I—I was doodling.
Helen: Bet you were.
Joe: Come on, Helen.
Helen: Ok, Joe. You’re right. I’m sorry.
Helen drops Joe’s phonebook on the counter.
Helen: It’s all in the past. Guess it could’ve been worse. It could have been Sherry Scudder.
Joe: Yeah, sure could’ve been.
Joe quickly grabs the phonebook, and puts it in his pocket.
Joe clears his throat.
Joe: Uh, Helen. I let you look in my phone book, so, uh, now you gotta show me what you’re hiding in your purse.
Helen: Fat chance.
Joe: Hey, look, Helen, that’s not fair.
Helen: Fair? Welcome to the world of romance, toots.
Helen goes to the kitchen, and takes her purse with her.
Brian and Roy were watching them.
Brian: They’re a fun couple, aren’t they?
Roy: Well, it’s still better to be in a relationship than out there trolling the singles’ bars. It’s terrifying, horrible. It’s lonely out there.
Lowell walks over to their table, and joins in the conversation.
Lowell: Uh, I know what you mean, Roy. Before I met Bunny, I can’t tell you how many evenings I spent sitting at the Knight and Castle, wondering all the great women were.
Brian: Lowell, the Knight and Castle is a gay hangout.
Lowell: It is?
Lowell: Well, that explains those phone messages from Steve.
Lowell walks away.
Brian: Well, you guys are right. It’s tough out there.
Roy: Oh, Hackett, what are you talkin’ about? You don’t seem to have any trouble finding women.
Brian: Well, women, no, but the woman, I mean, it’s different. I mean, I’m a reasonably intelligent guy. I had a scholarship to Princeton, spent some time at NASA. There’s even a small village in Belize where I’m considered a god. But I—I just don’t know where to find a—a sensitive, attractive, intelligent woman, you know?
A woman answers.
Brian looks at the woman sitting at the next table.
Brian: I—I—I beg your pardon?
Woman: Well, I think I’m a sensitive, attractive, intelligent woman.
Brian: And with quite a high opinion of herself, I might add. I can’t believe we have so much in common.
The woman chuckles then extends her hand.
Woman: I’m Melinda.
Brian: Hi. Brian.
They shake hands.
Melinda: I don’t usually do this. I mean, I’m not the kind of woman who hangs around at airports.
Brian: You mean a traveler?
Brian: Hey, hey, you’re laughin’ now. Why don’t you have dinner with me tonight, and you’ll be snorting expensive wine out your nose.
Melinda: How could a girl in her right mind turn down an invitation like that?
Brian turns to Roy.
Brian: Ooh, I like her.
Faye on the P.A.: Announcing the arrival of Sandpiper Air Flight 8 from Hyannis.
Melinda stands up.
Melinda: That’s my flight.
Brian: Whoa, w-wait a second. You’re not leaving, are you?
Melinda: Oh, no. No, I’m meeting somebody.
Brian: Oh. Well, after all we’ve been through, I thought I was the man of your dreams.
Kenny enters the airport terminal.
Kenny: Hi, Mom.
Melinda: Hi, Kenny.
Melinda gives Kenny a kiss on the cheek.
Brian: Mom, Kenny, Kenny’s mom. Yeesh!
Kenny: Well, wow! I—I don’t believe this. You? You and my mom are goin’ out on a date?
Brian: Boy, you don’t look old enough to be Kenny’s mother.
Kenny: Oh, she is, I swear it.
Melinda: Thank you, dear.
Brian: So, uh, you don’t have any problem with this, do you, Kenny lad?
Kenny: Oh, what are you kidding? No. No, no. I think it’s great. Mom, I gotta go fill out my flight log. So, I’m gonna meet you at the car, ok?
Kenny walks away.
Brian: So, great. I—I—I’ll pick you up at eight o’clock, ok?
Melinda: Great. I’ll see you then.
Brian and Melinda shake hands.
Brian: Ok. I hope you like clog dancing.
Melinda: I hope you’re kidding.
Melinda leaves. Brian walks over to Kenny at the Sandpiper Air counter. Brian whoops.
Brian: Imagine that, me datin’ your mom.
Kenny turns around, and grabs Brian by the collar.
Kenny: You stay away from my mother!
Kenny: And I—I know what you’re like. I know how you treat women.
Brian: Wait a second. We—we’re just gonna go out and have a nice time. What could possibly be wrong with that?
Kenny: Well, for one thing, you already have a date tonight.
Brian: I do.
Kenny: You know, the girl from the terminal this morning? The one you treated like a piece of meat?
Brian: Could you b a little more specific?
Kenny: The blonde.
Brian: Oh, her. A minor glitch. I’ll brush her off like crumbs on a place mat.
Kenny: Oh, Brian, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. Tonight you’ll dump her and tomorrow night, it’ll be my mom.
Brian: Hey, y-you got me all wrong, kid. I’m—I’m not that way at all. Well, I am, but I can turn it on and off.
Kenny: Come one, Brian. Look, make any excuse you have to, but get out of it.
Brian: Kenny, you know, I think it’s very nice the way you’re lookin’ out for your mom and all but, h-how can I put this? It’s none of your business.
Kenny: I’m warnin’ you. If you hurt her, you will rue the day that you ever messed with Kenneth Margaret McElvey.
Kenny: Don’t laugh. I was named after my great-grandmother. She was an Indian fighter, so you watch it.
Kenny walks out.
Brian: Not the worst-looking Margaret I ever met.
The next day, Roy calls for Fay.
Roy: Uh, Fay, could you come over here for a minute?
Fay: Oh sure, Roy.
Fay walks over to the Aeromass counter.
Roy: I want your opinion about something. I just found out that I’m—I’m gonna be needing glasses, and I—I borrowed a pair of these frames to see if I liked them.
Roy puts on glasses with a thick, black, plastic frame.
Roy: What do you think?
Lowell walks over to the Aeromass counter.
Lowell: Hey, Roy, that’s a great-looking pair of glasses.
Roy: Really? Thanks.
Lowell: Boy, those lenses are so clear you’d swear they weren’t in there at all.
Lowell pokes Roy’s eyes. Roy screams.
Lowell: Oh. Gag glasses. Oh, you got me, Roy.
Brian arrives at the airport terminal.
Brian: What’s up kid?
Kenny is at the lunch counter reading a comic strip.
Kenny: Beetle Bailey just got in trouble with the Sarge.
Brian: Gee, how do they keep that stuff fresh?
Kenny: Look, Brian. I think I really owe you an apology. I—I had no—no right to speak to you the way I did.
Brian: Aw, don’t worry about it your mom’s a terrific lady. You just didn’t want to see her get hurt.
Kenny: Uh, well, she sure didn’t. Between you and me, I think she has a little crush on you.
Brian: Oh, really?
Kenny: Yeah. Uh, you know, I just had this funny thought.
Kenny: What if, uh, you and my mom keep on havin’ such a great time together? Then maybe, uh, someday, you’d be my dad.
Brian: Hey, that’d be something huh?
Brian tussles Kenny’s hair. Kenny leaves, while Brian enters Joe’s office.
Brian: Kill me, Joe.
Joe: I’m kind of busy, Brian. Maybe later.
Brian: I—I went out on a date with Kenny’s mom, and I—I promised Kenny I wouldn’t hurt her, you know. And now, the woman has a massive crush on me.
Joe: What’s the problem?
Brian: She’s a lox, Joe.
Joe: Whoa. W—wait a minute. What went wrong? Earlier today, you said, you thought you had a winner.
Brian: Look, I’ll tell you what went wrong. She changed on me. It was like Lon Chaney during a full moon. I mean. The woman is unable to shut up. She cannot stop talking. She’s a human tape loop. If she’s not talking about herself, she’s talking about her cat or her gardener, or how wonderful her ex-husband Dennis is and she can’t understand why Dennis ran out on her. I—I’ll tell you why he ran out on her, Joe. Dennis has two good ears.
Brian: Well, Kenny warned me to stay away from her. If only I had heeded the wisdom of that child. If only I hadn’t gone out with her. But, no.
Joe: Well, if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a wonderful Christmas.
Brian: You’re enjoying yourself, aren’t you?
Joe: I have so few pleasures in life. Allow me this.
Brian: What am I gonna do? I don’t’ wanna hurt the kid, but I’ve got to dump his mother like a load of bad asphalt.
Joe: Break it off, don’t let it go any further. Call his mother right now and then explain it to Kenny. He’ll understand.
Brian: Yeah, yeah, right. Honesty is the way to go. All right?
Brian dials the phone.
Brian: Yeah. Here, uh, tell here you’re from the center for disease control in Atlanta. Ask her if she’s had any contact at all with a Brian Hackett.
Brian: Ok, ok, ok. Hey, Melinda! Hi, it’s Brian—it’s—yeah—it’s—
Melinda chatters on the phone. Brian holds the handset away from his ear.
Joe sees Helen leave her purse on the lunch counter. Joe looks inside her purse.
Joe: Aha! Her diary.
Joe chuckles, and starts reading Helen’s diary.
Joe: What? Oh, no. Oh, my God!
Helen walks out of the kitchen.
Helen: Joe, what are you doin’?
Joe: What am I doing? What are you doing? Who the hell is Bob, and why did you loins burn for him last night?
Helen: What? Are you nuts?
A woman walks over to Joe.
Woman: Excuse me. I think I left my—
The woman sees that Joe is holding her diary.
Woman: Hey, that’s my purse.
Joe: It’s—it’s not your purse. It’s her purse.
Woman: It is not!
Helen: She’s right.
Helen pulls out her purse from under the counter.
Helen: This is mine.
Woman: You’re reading my diary.
Joe: No! I’m not. I swear. I don’t know anything about your loins.
The woman walks away.
Helen: Joe Hackett, I’m surprise at you.
Joe: I—I’m sorry. I don’t know what has gotten into me. I am just obsessed with whatever it is you’re hiding in there.
Helen: Joe, I’m not hiding anything in here. I was just teasing you. Obviously, you’re not going to believe me. Ok, so let’s just take a look, shall we?
Helen pours the contents of her purse on the counter.
Helen: There, Joe. There it all is. See, there’s all my deep, dark secrets.
Helen: Oh, what’s this? Lipstick. I’m never gonna be able to look in your face again.
Helen: What’s this? Keys. Oh, the shame of it.
Joe: Are you through?
Helen: I don’t know, Joe. Have you seen enough?
Joe: Uh, ok. You win. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I’m embarrassed enough that it became so important to me, but now it’s over.
Helen puts her things back inside her purse.
Helen: Good, Joe.
Joe: Hey, Helen, what’s that?
Helen: Oh, my God. I forgot that was still in there.
Helen quickly puts it inside her purse.
Joe: Hey, hey, Helen. What is—what is that?
Helen makes her way to the kitchen.
Roy and Fay were watching the two.
Roy: They are a fun couple, aren’t they?
Kenny arrives at the airport terminal.
Brian: Oh, Kenny, Kenny, Kenny. Just the man I’m looking for. Uh…there’s no easy way of saying this. So, I guess, I’ll just come right out and say it. Uh, just got off the phone with your mom.
Kenny: Oh, yeah?
Brian: Yeah, and I’m not gone be seeing her anymore.
Brian: Yeah, we’ve decided that it just wouldn’t work out.
Kenny: “We decided”. “We decided”? No, no, no. You mean you decided. I knew you’d do this.
Brian: Oh, no, Kenny, you don’t understand.
Kenny: No, no, no, I understand. Well, I understand just fine. You broke my mother’s heart, and I hope you die.
Kenny leaves. Brian walks over to Fay.
Brian: Well, I think that went pretty well.
Kenny is at the drive-thru at Ahab’s Fast Fish handing an order to a customer.
Kenny: Thank you, Sir.
A bell rings.
Kenny: Ahoy, matey, welcome to Ahab’s. Argh! May I take your order, please?
Brian: Hey, Kenny. It’s me, Brian. Uh, I just came to talk to you for—for a second.
Kenny: May I take your order?
Brian: Oh, Kenny, I’m really not hungry. I just—I just need to talk to you.
Kenny: If you’re not gonna order, just drive on through.
Brian: Oh, Kenny, come on.
Kenny: I can’t hear you. Speak into the whale’s blowhole.
Brian: I don’t want to. I don’t know where this whale’s been. Yeah, uh, a-al right, yeah, I’ll order. Uh, let me have the, uh, “The Feeding Frenzy”.
Kenny: Do you want fries with that, Sir?
Brian: A dish called “Feeding Frenzy” doesn’t come with fries?
Kenny: No. That’ll be $4.75. Drive forward and pick up your order.
Kenny yells angrily.
Kenny: One frenzy!
Brian drives to take his order. He imitates Popeye.
Brian: Oh, my gosh.
Brian returns to his normal voice.
Kenny ignores Brian.
Brian: Kenny. Come on. We—we gotta talk about this now.
Kenny just looks at him.
Brian: Now, look. When I go out with a woman, I always hope it’s gonna work out.
Kenny: Oh, that is such a lie. All you care about, all you want to do is take them out, and have your way with them, then dump them. You don’t care about their feelings. You know, all you care about is yourself, and your base animal needs.
The bell rings. Kenny answers angrily.
Kenny: Ahoy, matey, welcome to Ahab’s. Argh! May I take your order?
Man: Three Ahab burgers, and a large Moby shake.
Kenny turns to Brian.
Kenny: You disgust me!
Man: Ok, make that two burgers and a medium shake.
Kenny: You know, if I wasn’t workin’ right now, I’d take you out back and beat the snot out of you.
Brian: Oh, really? Do you wanna hit me? Will that make you feel better? If—if you wanna hit me, kid, go take your best shot.
Brian: Ok, I’ll even make it easy for you, come on.
Brian pokes his head out of the car window.
The man behind him honks his car.
Brian: Hey, would you hold your horses? I’m talking here, ok. Come on, kid. Come on. Come on. Hit me. Go ahead.
Kenny punches Brian’s face really hard. Brian groans.
Kenny turns to the next customer.
Kenny: Sorry to keep you waiting, sir. Your order will be ready in a minute.
Man: Hey, no problem. Take your time.
Brian: Ow! You did it. You actually did it.
Kenny: Well, you said I could.
Brian: Yeah, but w-when people say, “Go ahead and hit me,” they don’t actually expect the other person to do it.
Brian looks at his face on the rearview mirror.
Brian: Oh, man. You know, for a little guy, you got a pretty good right, you know.
Kenny: Well. I had a roll of quarters in my hand, which reminds me, you—you still owe me $4.75.
Brian: Yep. Yep.
Brian hands over his payment.
Brian: I don’t know. I’ve done my best. I don’t know what else I can do.
Kenny hands Brian his order.
Brian: Thank you.
Brian exhales, and touches his cheek.
Brian starts the engine of his car.
Kenny: I just—I just want her to find someone and be happy.
Brian: Well, that will happen.
Kenny: Yeah. Yeah, sure. She keeps goin’ out with lots of guys, but none of them ever seem to come back. I mean, what—what is wrong with her? Isn’t she any fun?
Brian: Well, no, Kenny. It’s not that.
Kenny: Isn’t she pretty enough?
Brian: Oh, yeah, she’s pretty. I mean, it’s not that either—
Kenny: Well, then what is it? I mean, is it—is it ‘cause she’s not smart enough? I mean, uh, no—no sense of humor? Bad clothes, bad—bad manners, bad posture? What is it? It’s gotta be something.
Brian: No, no, Kenny. It’s none of those things.
Kenny: Well, just come on. Tell me. I can take it.
Brian: All right, just—
Kenny: I mean, just what is it? Tell me!
Brian: Yeah, I’ll tell you what it is! You wanna know what it is?
Brian: It is.
Brian pauses, and just looks at Kenny for a while.
Brian: It’s me. It is. It is me. It’s all me. I—I—I can’t commit to anything whenever I meet a great woman like your mother, I just run the other way. And unfortunately, when I’m running I…I trample on people’s feelings. I’m sorry.
Kenny: Let me give you a little advice, Brian. Grow up.
Brian: I’m trying. And who know? Maybe someday with a little luck, I’ll be as sensible and mature as you.
Kenny: Oh, wait a second, Brian. Here’s another milk shake.
Kenny hands Brian a milk shake.
Brian: Oh, no, you don’t have to do that.
Kenny: yes, I do.
Brian: Come on.
Kenny: I spit in the other one.
Brian hands over the tampered milk shake, and takes the new one. Brian sighs.
Brian: Appreciate that.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “All in the Family” episode was written by Bryan Winter. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
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