1986 Santa Barbara, CA - Young Shawn Spencer is at a diner with his policeman father.
Henry: You do your homework?
Henry: Finish those beets?
Shawn: Yep. Can I have the fudge cake?
Henry: Close your eyes.
Shawn: Dad, I don’t wanna…
Shawn closes his eyes.
Henry: Which letter is out in the exit sign?
Shawn: The “X”.
Henry: What color is the vinyl?
Shawn: What’s vinyl?
Henry: It’s the stuff these seats are covered in.
Henry: Maroon, close enough. Manager’s name?
Henry: She’s wearing a name tag. The woman standing at the front door when we first walked in.
Shawn recalls the moment they entered the diner.
Henry: You saw her.
Shawn remembers seeing the woman’s name tag.
Shawn: Marie. Can I have the cake now?
Henry: How many hats?
Shawn: Ugh, come on, Dad!
Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake? How many hats are in the room?
With eyes still shut, Shawn tries to remember all the customers who are wearing hats.
Shawn: Does a beanie count?
Henry: What do you think?
Henry: You didn’t describe them.
Shawn: That’s not fair.
Henry: Time’s almost up, Shawn.
Shawn: One has a flower, the one the lady’s wearing. One has a picture of some kind of lion, on the weird guy with the crooked tooth. The last one is on the chef.
Henry: What about the beanie?
Shawn: A beanie’s a cap, not a hat.
Henry: All right, open your eyes.
Shawn: Thank you!
Marie: Wow, that’s amazing.
Henry: It’s adequate. Get him his cake.
Marie: I guess I know what you’re gonna be when you grow up.
Shawn: Oh, I’m never gonna grow up, ma’am.
2006…Still Santa Barbara. Shawn is at his apartment kissing his date.
Girl: Nice place.
Shawn: Thank you.
Shawn accidentally turns on the TV.
Man on TV: …precipitation later on in the week, but all in all, a wonderful day to take a hike. Now, back to you, Dana.
Girl: I knew you were gonna be my best table.
Shawn moans. Dana sits on top of him and the two resume kissing.
Dana:…voicing her concerns regarding the department’s long-time policies. Joe, do the police have any leads at this time?
Shawn sneaks a peek at the TV.
Joe: We’re at a loss, we really don’t know what else to do. It’s been a tough few weeks, we’ve basically run out of ideas. Hopefully, the – the police will b e able to crack this one for us.
Dana: Closing the books on Divisions’ break-ins could be just the olive branch needed to set things in the right direction.
Shawn reaches for the phone.
Girl: What are you doing?
Shawn: I’m calling the police.
Girl: Any particular reason?
Shawn: I think I just closed a case.
Girl: You didn’t tell me you’re a cop.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no. Definitely not a cop.
Shawn: Does that disappoint you?
Girl: I just thought you might have handcuffs.
Shawn: Oh, I have handcuffs. Hello?
Woman on Phone: Santa Barbara Police Department.
Shawn: Ah, it’s the store manager, he did it.
Woman on Phone: Pardon me?
Shawn: Uh, the stereo robberies, at Divisions chain store. He’s on Channel 8 News right now. His hands, nervous tick, dead giveaway. And he won’t look at the reporter in the eyes.
Woman on Phone: And your name is?
Shawn: My name? My name is Shawn Spencer.
Woman on Phone: And is there anything else today?
Shawn: No, that’s gonna do it.
Dana: …retailers are waiting and hoping…
Shawn: Actually, the tags on the news van have expired, but that’s completely unrelated.
The following day, Shawn Spencer arrives at the police station. He goes over to the desk sergeant who is on the phone.
Shawn: Hello, officer.
Desk Sgt.: Okay, but you gotta go. It was awesome. Well, yeah.
Shawn sees the various lucky charms on the officer’s station.
Desk Sgt.: Yeah.
The officer is still on the phone.
Desk Sgt: It was amazing.
Shawn: I’m Shawn Spencer.
The officer points at the bench.
Desk Sgt.: And the other thing is…Well, no, I’m not gonna pay for it.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, no, that’s not for me. Uh, I’m here for a commendation I called in a tip.
The officer points at the bench.
Desk Sgt.: Uh-huh. Oh, no, Michelle, I can’t pay for that.
Shawn: Here’s the thing. These are new pants.
The officer now looks annoyed and again points to the bench.
Shawn: Clearly, you feel very strongly about this. Right.
Shawn sits on the bench where another man sits.
Desk Sgt.: Eighty dollars is a lot for a reading. But she was astounding. I mean, she knew about Granny’s childhood, and the curious she left Bobby. I mean, I could literally feel her spirit in the room.
Shawn looks at the man sitting beside him. The man has “Bloodthirsty” tattooed on his forehead and a teardrop on his cheek.
Shawn: Get out of here. You know I have the same tattoo. They spelled bloodthirsty wrong on mine, can you believe it?
The man lunges at Shawn, but he is chained to the bench.
Shawn: I cannot believe you didn’t test that out first.
A door opens and Shawn sees one of the officers dancing.
Officer: One, two three. One, two, three. One, two, three.
Shawn turns his attention back to the man beside him and sees shards of glass on the roll of his sleeves.
Shawn: What’d you do? Bust up your ex-wife’s car?
Man: Her new boyfriend’s.
Shawn: That’ll teach her.
Man: They got no witnesses.
Shawn: Sweet. You might wanna brush the shards of taillight off your sleeve.
The man looks at his sleeve.
Shawn: Just a tip.
Man: Gee, thanks, guy.
The man brushes off the shards of glass, but they just fall inside his boots.
Later, Officer Buzz McNab escorts Shawn Spencer to a room.
Officer McNab: Right this way, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: So, when do I get my money?
A woman detective opens the door.
Shawn: Yeah, the reward?
Shawn enters the interrogation room.
Shawn: You guys arrested the store manager, am I right?
Lassiter: Why don’t you let us ask the questions for a while?
Shawn takes a seat, and observes from the reflection on the one-way mirror that Lassiter is playing with the hair of his partner, Lucinda.
Shawn: So, which questions might those be?
Lassiter: Oh, I don’t know. Like, where were you the night of the last robbery?
Shawn: I was robbing a stereo shop.
Shawn: I wasn’t. I don’t know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing. Not solving crime.
Lassiter: You’re not helping your case here.
Shawn: My case? Wait, wait, wait. I’m actually a suspect?
Lassiter: Oh, you’re our lead suspect.
Shawn: I gave you the guy.
Lassiter: He had a partner.
Shawn: I have to find that guy? I’m confused. When do you start chipping in?
Lassiter: See, your information was good. So good, it could only have come from the inside.
Shawn: Inside of what? Look, I’ve called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.
Lassiter: I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. Like…
Lassiter looks at the contents of a file folder.
Lassiter: Oh, you’re currently unemployed. You’ve never held a job for more than six months, and you have a criminal record.
Shawn: I was 18.
Lassiter: Oh, 18? Well, that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out!
Shawn: I borrowed a car.
Lassiter: You stole a car.
Shawn: To impress a girl.
Lucinda: Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.
Shawn: Would it help at all if I told you that she had a bit of a reputation and I was 0 for high school? Okay, fine. There were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father, he was trying to teach me a lesson.
Lassiter: Did you learn it?
Shawn: I learned I hated my father, so, sure.
Lassiter: Well, pardon me if I’m just a little skeptical. Believable, as it is, that you solved all these crimes…I’m sorry, what was it?
Lassiter looks at the file.
Lassiter: Watching the local Channel 8 News reports.
Shawn: I confess. That’s not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8. The weather girl? Adorable.
Lassiter: So, you’re telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.
Shawn: Can’t you?
Lassiter: Don’t you try and trivialize police work.
Shawn: I think you’re doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself. You can’t keep me here, guys. I know my rights.
Shawn stands up and makes his way to the door.
Lassiter: Good. Then you know you have the right to remain silent.
Shawn opens the door, but Officer McNab blocks his way.
Lassiter: You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you.
Shawn: Wait a minute, you’re serious?
Lassiter: A few hours in a holding cell might job your memory.
Shawn takes a quick look at the holding cell where other prisoners are detained. Shawn gulps.
Lucinda: Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. That’s all we need. How did you get this information?
Lassiter: No, it is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him.
Officer Allen, the desk sergeant arrives and cuffs Shawn.
Shawn: Oh, come on, cuffs? What? For the walk back to the lobby?
Lucinda: Or, you could give us a plausible explanation.
Shawn looks at Officer Allen, sees her crystal necklace and other lucky charms, and has a bright idea.
Shawn: Okay, okay. Fine, you win. I got the information, because…I’m a psychic.
Officer Allen drops the cuffs.
Lassiter: Get him out of here.
Shawn: Oh, boy.
Shawn pretends to lose his balance then looks at Officer Allen.
Shawn: Your grandma would be so proud.
Officer Allen: You spoke to her?
Shawn: I did. She’s safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.
Officer Allen: The palm readers?
Shawn: The palm readers.
Shawn puts his hand on the woman’s cheek.
Lucinda: Okay, just to be clear, you’re claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn: How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three. One…
Shawn turns to Officer McNab
Shawn: When’s the wedding?
McNab: May 3rd. Wait, how’d you know?
Shawn: I’m getting dance lessons for a wedding reception. And you are getting good.
McNab: Wow, that’s amazing.
Lassiter: Oh, come on. Who’s buying this?
Officer McNab and one of the prisoners raise their hand.
Shawn: I got it. Go to detention room number two, shake down your vandal. You’ll find all the evidence you need.
Shawn’s left foot starts shaking.
Shawn: All the evidence is in his left shoe.
Detective Lucinda rolls her eyes.
Lassiter: We’ll be back here in three minutes.
Lassiter makes his way out, looks at Officer Allen.
Lassiter: With my own cuffs.
Later, Shawn Spencer is talking to Officer Allen. Another officer leads the tattooed man to his cell.
Shawn: I’m getting…I am getting the letter “L”.
Officer Allen: Lulu! Her dog! Is there anything else she said?
Shawn: Uh, there’s suddenly a very, very negative presence here. It’s blocking me.
Lassiter and Lucinda are watching him from afar.
Lassiter: That was a lucky guess.
Lucinda: A lucky guess?
Lassiter: He planted it. I don’t know.
Lucinda: His alibi checks.
Shawn is still talking with Officer Allen.
Shawn: Question. Do I pay taxes on reward money?
Officer Allen: I’ll find out. Please, feel free to call anytime.
Shawn: You know I will. Magic touch!
Shawn and Officer Allen touch their forefinger. Shawn leaves. Lassiter approaches Officer Allen glares at her. Shawn steps out of the police precinct.
Police Officer: Yeah.
A pregnant woman steps out of the police precinct and calls for Shawn.
Chief: Not so fast Mr. Spencer. Karen Vick, Interim Police Chief.
Shawn: I know.
Chief: Heard about what you did in there.
Shawn: Oh, you’re welcome.
Chief: That wasn’t the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, improbable. Possible, yet, unlikely.
Shawn: Look, it’s hard to explain. I’m gifted. I was born that way.
Chief: I knew your father, he was a good cop. You’re nothing like him.
Shawn: I take that as a compliment, ma’am.
Chief: Don’t ever call me “ma’am”.
Shawn: Am I still free to go?
Chief: Not exactly. You familiar with the McCallum family?
Shawn: McCallum? Yeah, they own half the hill.
Chief: Well, there’s been a kidnapping.
Shawn: Oh, come on. I had nothing to do with that.
Chief: Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case, and I need to make some progress. What I need is a miracle, or a facsimile of one.
Shawn: Oh. I see, I see. Well, I make $1,200 a day.
Chief: It’s a tryout.
Shawn: That’s what I meant to say. This is pro bono, something for you.
Chief: And if this psychic thing is a scam, we will prosecute. You know hindering a police investigation is a criminal offense?
Shawn: Sounds good! We’re on the same team now! Kidnappers beware!
Later, Shawn enters Gus’ office.
Shawn: I have a job for you.
Gus: I already have a job.
Shawn: They’re paying you to play video games?
Gus: How do you do that?
Shawn: Come on, left hand, space bar, right hand, arrow keys? Gus, you should ask me a challenging question every once in a while, just for kicks.
Gus ends the game.
Gus: I can’t go anywhere. I’m behind on my route. I’ve got new samples of serum moxacillin.
Shawn pulls out one of Gus’ drawers.
Shawn: Oh, man, I’m sorry I didn’t realize the new butt cream had come in. So, you’re not interested in hearing about doing the thing we’ve been dreaming of doing since we were eight? I’ve got us the last job we will ever need.
Gus: Shawn, you’ve had 57 jobs since we left high school.
Shawn: Yes, I have. And they were all fun, but this one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh, yeah? Better than your acupuncture clinic?
Shawn: I didn’t realize experience was necessary.
Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the wiener mobile?
Shawn: I did that for the hotdogs. Look, Gus, all those jobs I took because I wanted the experience. But then I mastered it, then I moved on. But this job has a little bit of everything. Come with me.
Gus: Uh, no. I’m never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border, twice.
Shawn: Okay, this is hard to explain, but I’m going to give it a shot. You…and I….are opening our own private detective agency.
Gus: Oh, see? No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat.
Gus pretends to leave his seat, but then he just plays with his computer.
Shawn: But you’re not getting your coat.
Gus: Ah, no, no, Shawn, I’m not.
Shawn: All right, you want to sweat the details? Fine. The cops think I’m a psychic and now we are investigating a kidnapping.
Gus: You’re serious?
Shawn: Yes, I am serious! Six days ago, Camden McCallum, Jr., sole male heir to McCallum Textiles, was seen being forced into his Range Rover at the municipal dog park. No one has seen him, or the dog since.
Gus: They took the dog?
Shawn: You see what I mean? I need you. I need you to write stuff down. ‘Cause you know how I zone out when other people talk.
Gus: Just for today?
Shawn: Just today. Oh, and you know what? You should bring your sample case, because some of those forensics guys probably…
Gus: Whoa! There’s gonna be forensics guys there?
Shawn and Gus are in the car.
Shawn: All right, pay attention. Eighteen months ago, Camden McCallum ran his father’s Cigarette boat into the Morrow Bay aquarium. That was right after he got caught with that hockey player’s wife.
Gus: Yeah, I remember that.
Shawn: The guy hadn’t been out of the paper in five years. Since that day, nothing. Not a single news story. Not so much as a dented motorcycle.
Gus: Okay. What do you think?
Shawn: I think Camden McCallum is too god at what he does to stop. Not cold turkey, anyway. Beautiful women, fast cars. It doesn’t add up. Something happened.
Shawn and Gus arrive at the McCallum mansion.
Gus: How should we introduce ourselves? And don’t say psychic, they’ll shut you off. Say something vague, like Alternative Tactics Division.
Shawn: How about the Bureau of Magic and Spell-casting?
Shawn sees a man hauling a garbage can.
Gus: Where are you going?
Shawn rummages through the garbage can.
Gus: You’re rooting through the trash?
Shawn: Just for a second.
Gus: you are without doubt, the worst detective I’ve ever seen.
Shawn: Gus, everything you need is right in front of you. You just have to pay attention.
Gus: Oh, yeah?
Shawn: Look at this.
Shawn pulls out a foil from the trash.
Shawn: Berenson’s brand. That is the highest quality dog food on the market.
Gus: Perfect. They pamper their pets. The case is almost solved.
Shawn: This stuff is really expensive. No additives, no preservatives. Why would you possibly open three bags simultaneously, when you only have one dog?
Gus: They’re rich, they waste money.
Shawn: Oh my God!
Shawn: This CD case is totally nice. Why would someone throw this out? Here. Put this in the car.
Gus: Inside, now.
Shawn: Is it entirely too early for me to have a theory?
Gus: Can you at least wait until we see some evidence?
Shawn: I suppose I could if it’d make you happier.
Shawn and Gus enter the mansion.
Shawn: Whoa. Huh! Remember, just act natural.
Shawn and Gus make their presence known, but the police just looks at them. Gus pulls Shawn aside.
Gus: They know.
Shawn: How could they know?
Gus: They know.
Shawn: We haven’t said anything yet.
Gus: They know, I can feel it.
Shawn: Oh, you’re a psychic now, too?
Gus: You’re not a psychic!
Shawn: Gus, let’s just be clear on one thing. The only way they can absolutely prove that I am not a psychic, is if I tell them. And I can guarantee you, that is the one thing I will never do. Ooh! Check this out.
Gus: You got a lead?
Shawn enters a room. Gus follows him.
Shawn: No, but look at this girl.
Shawn and Gus look at the family portrait.
Shawn: She must be the sister. Wow, she’s incredible.
Gus: We kind of have a few other things going on right now, Shawn.
Shawn: Oh Gus, look.
Shawn looks more closely at one of the photographs.
Shawn: Look how she went from this awkward stage with this really unfortunate perm, to this beautiful amazing girl. I mean, she’s a late bloomer but what does that mean? That means depth of character.
Gus breathes heavily.
Shawn: Gus, she kayaks.
Gus continues with his heavy breathing.
Shawn: What, are you Lamaze breathing?
Gus: It helps. I cover a few birthing centers.
Shawn: Just let me know when the contractions are two minutes apart.
Shawn continues to look at the family pictures.
Shawn: She reads Vonnegut. Wow! She’s an aviatrix. Gus, I bet this girl is spectacular.
The girl stands by the stairs behind them.
Katarina: Really now?
Shawn and Gus look at Katarina.
Katarina: I’m Katarina McCallum.
Shawn: I am thoroughly embarrassed.
Katarina: I’ll bet you are.
Shawn: I’m sorry. I’m Shawn Spencer. The Chief called me in.
Shawn takes the girl’s hand, and looks at her bracelet.
Shawn: Everything’s gonna be okay.
Katarina: Thank you for saying that. I have the same feeling. What makes you think so?
Shawn: I’m a psychic.
Katarina: They called in a psychic?
Shawn: I have very unique and special abilities.
Katarina: Well, Shawn Spencer, if you need to ask any questions…
Shawn: Just one. Do you currently have a boyfriend?
Katarina; Is that pertinent?
Shawn: It very well could be.
Katarina: Well, yes, I’m sort of seeing someone, nothing serious, though.
Shawn: Nothing too serious. That’s good. That’s good, that’s very good. I think that’s it for now. I’ll be in touch.
Gus: How do you luck into these women all the time?
Shawn: Gus please. I’m a professional, gathering information.
Later, Shawn browses a family album.
Gus: What are we looking for?
Shawn: Pictures of that Katarina girl. Preferably at the beach, maybe on her way to yoga. Or at a Halloween party, dressed as a cat.
Gus pulls out from his coat pocket a blister pack of pills.
Shawn: What are those for?
Gus: It’s for anxiety.
Shawn: Is it ethical to sample your own samples?
Detective Lucinda arrives.
Lucinda: Mr. Spencer, the sketch artist is here for you.
Shawn: The sketch artist.
Lucinda: The Chief insisted.
Shawn: Interim Chief.
Lucinda: Yeah, you call her that.
Shawn: I’ll be right back.
Shawn sits with the sketch artist.
Shawn: Oh, yeah, that’s nice. Yeah, with the shading…the shading’s nice. Uh, here’s a question. Do you think you could have him looking further to the left? Like, his eye-line further to the left?
Gus: Can I talk to you for a second?
Shawn: Yeah, yeah. So, just more to the left and I think we’re there. All right.
Shawn goes over to Gus.
Shawn: What’s up?
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: Just work with me.
Gus: Tell them you’re blocked or something.
Shawn: I’m gonna have to use that later. Uh, how are we looking over there?
The sketch artist shows them the sketch.
Shawn: Oh, that’s great, now…look how good that is!
Gus sees the picture where Shawn based the sketch on.
Shawn: See how he’s looking off to the left like he sees something. Now, as far as the hair goes, can we get the bangs wispier, like he’s trying to compensate for, like, maybe he’s thinning in the back and he’s sort of got a swoop?
Mrs. McCallum enters the room then screams.
Mrs. McCallum: Oh, my gosh! It’s Bill! Oh, it’s Bill! Oh, honey! Come here, Bill’s the kidnapper!
Katarina looks at the sketch.
Katarina: That’s the exact cap I gave him!
Gus stands in front of the photograph to keep them from seeing it.
Shawn: Okay, everybody stop.
Shawn pretends to have a vision.
Shawn: No, no! I’m sorry. Bill is note the kidnapper. Not the kidnapper. Bill is just a horrible human being. Who is Bill? I’m getting multiple women. Is he a bigamist? A pimp? Does he sell children on the black market? What…
Shawn and Gus leave the house, while Mr. McCallum arrives.
Shawn: Mr. McCallum? I’m Shawn Spencer, the psychic.
Mr. McCallum: Well, thank you for coming. If there’s anything I can do.
Shawn: I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you, sir.
Mr. McCallum: Nothing can prepare you for something like this, knowing you can’t do anything. Call me anytime with any questions.
Shawn: Actually, I do have one question, sir. How did he feel about the dog?
Mr. McCallum: Well, he loved that damn thing. Didn’t do anything without it.
Shawn: Yup. That’ll do it. Thank you, sir.
Mr. McCallum walks away.
Gus: Does he like his dog? That’s how you investigate?
Shawn: I think we’re making progress.
Gus: Since you’ve been here, all you’ve done is dig through the trash, hit on the victim’s sister, and falsely accuse her boyfriend.
Shawn: Gus, he’s not her boyfriend. She made a point to say they’re free to see other people.
Gus: Whatever you say, Shawn. Have a blast. I quit.
Shawn: You can’t quit! We just started.
Gus: Watch me.
Gus goes to his car.
Shawn: Gus, you’re gonna miss everything.
Gus enters his car.
Shawn: It’s gonna be fun.
Gus starts the engine.
Shawn: Gus, get back here!
Gus drives away.
Shawn: Fine. I’ll solve this case by myself.
The following day at 6:07pm Gus is still fast asleep. A door open then closes. Gus wakes. He hears thudding then an appliance whirring. He hides at the hallway, takes his luggage, screams then prepares for an attack. Shawn just stands and looks at him, while pouring himself a cup of coffee.
Shawn: I hate to imagine what the rest of your plan was.
Gus: How did you get in?
Shawn shows Gus his hide-a-key.
Shawn: Far less effective on a second-floor landing.
Gus: What do you want, Shawn?
Shawn: Can I say something about the case, please?
Shawn: I was right.
Gus: I’m done, Shawn. I don’t want to commit felonies, and perjury, and pretend to be…
Shawn: You’re dying to know who kidnapped him, I know you are.
Gus: No, no, I’m not. Because I don’t believe that you can solve a crime the cops can’t by simply walking through a house.
Gus: Fine. All right, whatever. Who kidnapped him?
Gus: Nobody! Excellent! Call the Chief at home, tell her the crime is solved. Because apparently, we just imagined the whole thing.
Shawn: Gus! Nobody kidnapped him, because he did it himself.
Shawn points to the kitchen table where he laid out several pictures.
Shawn: Come on. See for yourself. Okay, here’s the thing. Camden didn’t offer to clean up his act voluntarily. Oh, no. Daddy threatened to cut him off permanently. This was about 18 months ago.
Gus: Eighteen months?
Shawn: But wait, there’s more. He had help.
Shawn points at a picture.
Shawn: This guy on the end. Malcolm Orso. Only member of this crew that didn’t go on to fame, or fortune, or rehab.
Gus: The cops must’ve talked to him.
Shawn: Nope. Malcolm hasn’t been seen with Camden for quite some time. To be exact…
Gus: Eighteen months.
Shawn: Almost to the day. Gus, he has been planning this thing for almost a year.
Gus: Shawn, this is good.
Gus: Where did you get this?
Shawn: Katarina McCallum’s room.
Gus: You didn’t go in her room!
Shawn: Gus, I needed a ride. She hadn’t eaten yet. One thing led to another, and we ended up sharing a milkshake.
Gus: Whoa! Wait a second! Wait a second. You’re dating her?
Shawn: No, not dating.
Gus: Yes, you are!
Shawn: It’s not exclusive.
Gus stands up.
Shawn: What? Gus! Come on! Put some clothes on. This is gonna be fun. Let’s go. I’m driving, where are your keys? Never mind! I got them! Ooh!
Shawn grabs a pineapple.
Shawn: Should I slice this up for the road?
Shawn and Gus speeds on the highway. A police stops them.
Gus: Well, we’re off to a banner start.
Shawn: Just let me do the talking.
Officer: Morning, gentelemen.
Shawn: Hello, Officer.
Shawn hands the Officer an ID.
Officer: What’s this?
Shawn: Oops! That’s my dad’s old police business card, must’ve stuck at the back there. I guess I’ve been carrying that in my wallet for ages. Can never be too careful, coming from a family of cops.
Officer: Henry Spencer’s your dad?
Shawn: Yes, yes, he is.
Officer: Well, how’s old Henry doing?
Shawn: Oh, you know Henry, he’s great. Retired. Living in Miami.
Officer: I saw Henry three weeks ago at the Home Depot.
Shawn: Yeah, yeah, that sounds about right. He popped into town for a few days, grabbed some supplies, some wood.
Officer: He said he’d been back for over a year.
Shawn: And now, he’s back. Running around, doing his thing, Henry-style.
Officer: Tell your dad “the kingfisher” says hello.
Shawn: Will do. Thanks Officer.
Gus: Your dad’s back at the house?
Later, Shawn and Gus run in the woods.
Shawn: Dude, I’m so excited. This is my first use of spy technology.
Gus: Yeah, it would seem much cooler if it didn’t have Sports Illustrated pasted on the side.
Shawn: Hmmm. It came with the subscription.
Shawn looks through his binoculars.
Gus: Are you gonna tell me why we’re here?
Shawn: This is the Orso family cabin, where young Malcolm and young Camden spent all their summers growing up.
Gus: Wouldn’t the police have checked this out?
Shawn: Malcolm is so fat out on the periphery of Camden’s life. He’s not on the witness list, he’s not on anybody’s list. This is a great plan. Camden McCallum deserves to be commended.
Gus: Maybe you should date him, too.
Shawn: Maybe I will.
Gus grabs the binoculars from Shawn.
Gus: Let me see. Let me see here.
Gus watches as the dog runs by the shore.
Gus: Oh, no way!
Gus: It’s Camden’s dog!
Shawn: Get…Dude! Dude.
Gus: Oh, my gosh! I can’t believe we did this! This is unbelievable!
Shawn starts jumping up and down.
Gus: What! What! Okay, okay, wait. Look. Okay, wait. Let’s call the cops. No, no, no. Let’s call the Chief! That’s what we’re gonna do. Call the Chief. Yeah!
Shawn: No, no, no. No, no, no.
Gus looks through the binoculars.
Shawn: Gus, Gus!
Shawn: We don’t call anyone.
Shawn; Then later, at headquarters, I suddenly and miraculously have a vision.
Gus: A vision?
Shawn: A vision of stuff we saw! Like the road sign with two bullet holes. Like the red kayak, the yellow kayak, and the highway. With numbers? Oh, I’m seeing…Eight, three, one…
Gus: We’re on Highway 138.
Shawn: Exactly. In the spirit world, things get jumbled and out of sequence. But my premonition becomes clearer when we all jump in the squad car together. By the way, let me sit next to that junior detective.
Gus: Shawn, please.
Shawn: And, alas, we’d lead them here. And finally, we both put on our surprised faces as I guide them to the cabin for the first time. This is mine.
Shawn practices gasping.
Shawn: What do you got?
Gus looks disappointed. He walks away.
Shawn: Gus, that’s horrible! It doesn’t convey surprise at all! Gus!
Shawn runs for Gus.
The two arrive at the police station.
Shawn: All right, let me do the talking.
Gus: Is there even an option?
Shawn: No, I want – I want a lot of witnesses for my miraculous vision.
Gus: Yeah, yeah. There they go. There they go.
Shawn spots Lassiter and Lucinda
Shawn: Detectives! Detectives! Detectives! We have a breakthrough.
Shawn and Gus run towards the detectives.
Shawn: It is very important.
Lassiter: I also have something important, I call it lunch. Make an appointment.
Shawn: No, no, no. But this is…
Lassiter: You don’t have my interest. You don’t have my ear. Find a beat cop, tell your story, maybe I’ll read the report. Good day, gentlemen.
Lassiter turns his back on Shawn and Gus, and turns to Lucinda
Lassiter: After you.
Lassiter and Lucinda make their way to the restaurant.
Shawn acts up. He shakes his head.
Shawn: Don’t eat the chicken.
Gus: “Don’t eat the chicken”?
Lassiter and Lucinda sit at a table.
Lucinda: He’s got your number.
Lassiter: He’s got nothing.
A waitress arrives to take their order.
Lassiter: I’ll have the chicken enchilada, extra chicken.
Lucinda: I’ll have the cheese quesadilla.
Waitress: Coming right up.
Lucinda: You’re mad because he pegged us as a couple.
Lassiter: Please, he was tipped off. Did you tell anyone?
Lucinda: Why would I tell anyone? Let everyone think I’m working my way up the ladder the hard way? You’re barely separated!
Lassiter: It’s been five months!
Lassiter watches the young chef at the kitchen.
Shawn and Gus wait at the parking lot.
Gus: So, the plan was to annoy them into believing you.
Shawn: Billy Camp’s working the grill.
Shawn: So? Billy Camp has the worst hay fever I’ve ever seen. Feel this wind? Feel it?
Lassiter watches as Billy Camp sneezes as he grills a piece of chicken. Lassiter stands up.
Lassiter: Be right back.
Lassiter walks out of the restaurant.
Shawn: Here we go. Act natural.
Lassiter yells at Shawn and Gus who are waiting outside.
Lassiter: Okay! What is it?
Shawn practices his reaction while the detectives drive them to the Orso cabin.
They arrive at the woods.
Lassiter: All right, this is great. Now what?
Shawn: Does anyone have any binoculars?
Lassiter: No. No, you see, we don’t carry binoculars.
Shawn: Oh, never mind, I found some here in my pocket.
Shawn looks through his binoculars.
Shawn: There it is! Just like I saw it!
Lassiter grabs the binoculars from Shawn.
Lassiter: You wanna tell me what I’m looking for, please?
Shawn: Uh, I’m not sure exactly. I see a bone.
Lassiter: What? A human bone?
Shawn: No, no, rawhide, and a ball.
Lassiter sees the dog.
Lassiter: Holy crap! Call for backup.
Shawn: What? What do you see, Detective?
The S.W.A.T. team arrives along with a slew of police.
Shawn: I can’t believe they won’t let us in. This is lame.
Gus: And you were so polite when you asked the SWAT team to issue you the Luger.
Shawn: Just make sure you act in awe of me when they come to say I was completely right. OH, and maybe a little afraid, like my powers could possibly be used for evil.
The dog approach Shawn and Gus.
Gus: Oh! Watch out! Watch out!
Shawn: Whoa! Whoa!
Shawn laughs and pets the dog.
Shawn: For what, its tongue?
Gus: That thing could be vicious.
Shawn: Yeah, and diabolical with its calculated decoy tail-wagging.
Gus: There’s blood on its whiskers.
Shawn; That’s not blood that’s Snausages.
Gus: Are you sure?
Shawn: Yes, I’m sure. It’s either that or it swallowed a mountain lion. Come on, Gus.
One of the policemen approaches Shawn.
Policeman: Mr. Spencer, follow me.
Shawn turns to Gus.
Shawn: Now, if there’s any press, make sure you mention our agency.
Gus: We don’t have an agency.
Shawn: Yes, we do. I applied for a DBA online, which reminds me, we’re gonna need a name. “Mindmasters”? Already taken. Make sure you tell them that we do private cases, because I bet the department’s only gonna be good for one or two a month.
Gus: You tell them.
Shawn: I can’t. I’m secretive, mysterious, enigmatic.
Shawn: Remember, act surprised.
Shawn and Gus enter the cabin.
Shawn: Wow, it is just like I saw before.
Shawn looks to his side and sees a man lying on the floor with blood emanating from his head, while another man sits on a chair holding a gun, but also dead and covered with blood. Shawn observes the crime scene.
Gus: Pardon me, ladies, gentlemen.
Gus runs outside then screams like a girl.
Back at the police station, Gus and Shawn are in the Chief’s office.
Chief: The department has been approved to call on you again, Mr. Spencer. And even though this case didn’t end up exactly the way we’d hoped…
The Chief hands Shawn a check, and extends her hand.
Chief: I thank you for your services. You were invaluable.
The Chief then shakes Gus’ hand.
Chief: Thank you.
Shawn: You’re making a huge mistake. This case isn’t closed.
Chief: Pardon me?
Shawn: Murder, suicide? Come one, you’re buying that?
Chief: I’m not buying anything. Those are the facts.
Gus: I buy it.
Shawn: I understand. I do. You’d like to shut the book on this one quickly as possible. That’s fine.
Chief: They had a falling-out.
Shawn: Before they got the ransom money? Why? What did they have to fight about before they got the cash?
Chief: Might I remind you, Mr. Spencer, you are not a detective.
Shawn: I just need to speak to the witnesses again.
Chief: The McCallum family has been through enough, and this conversation is over.
Gus: Thank you. We parked in the parking structure, do you validate?
Shawn: Would it make any difference if I told you Camden McCallum Jr. spoke to me? From beyond the grave.
The chief validates Gus’ parking ticket and hands it back to him.
Chief: Shut the door on your way out.
Shawn and Gus leave.
Shawn: Damn it.
Gus: What are you doing? That was the Chief of Police.
Shawn: Interim Chief. And have you considered that Camden McCallum may have been alive the first time we went to that cabin?
Shawn: Well, I have!
Shawn watches as Mr. McCallum shakes the hand of Lassiter. He observes that his wrist is bandaged.
Shawn: We need to talk to that guy.
Gus: Whoa, whoa, no!
Shawn: Come on, Gus, just for a second. The man is practically almost my father-in-law.
Gus: Make no mistake, Shawn, I will kill you.
Shawn: Okay, I appreciate the fact that you think you can beat me up. But I think our last scuffle proves otherwise.
Gus: Are you talking about the Cinnamon Festival?
Shawn: Yes! You do remember.
Gus: Okay, first of all, I was six, and I had a cast!
Shawn: Which many would construe as a clear advantage. It’s like having a weapon attached to your arm.
Shawn sees that the Chief is pointing at him.
Shawn: Oh, great, now the Chief is staring right us.
While Gus is distracted, Shawn makes his way to Mr. McCallum.
Shawn: Mr. McCallum?
Lucinda: Chief wants him left alone.
Shawn: Well, we all want to be left alone.
Lucinda: Yes, some more than others.
Shawn: What’s with his wrist?
Lucinda: You don’t give up, do you?
Shawn: I do give up, all the time. But not until the moment is right. Now, come on, I know you don’t think this adds up, either.
Lucinda: Okay, rumor is, he tried to off himself.
Shawn: Off himself? The war hero? The man who’s seen everything? No, that’s not it. That’s definitely not it.
Lucinda: You know everything don’t you?
Shawn: Yeah. It’s scary, isn’t it? Look, something is going on, and I’m gonna find out what it is.
Lassiter: No, you’re not going anywhere near that man. In fact, I’m gonna make certain you never hear from the department again.
Shawn: Whoa! I’m getting strong vibrations that you might be wrong.
Lassiter: I’m on to you. You’ve got a source somewhere, and I’m gonna find it. You think this is some sort of a game? I’m not gonna let you just waltz around here like some kid in a candy store.
Shawn: Let me be honest with you, Detective. I used to work in a candy store, and it’s nothing like this.
Lassiter: You’re in over your head, mystic.
Shawn and Gus leave the Santa Barbara police precinct. Later, Shawn rides his motorbike to his dad’s house. He rings the bell. His father opens the door.
Shawn: Hi dad.
Shawn: You didn’t tell me you moved back.
Henry: You didn’t tell me you moved away.
Shawn: That was different.
Henry: Was it?
Shawn: Yeah, I was busy trying to help my mom through her divorce.
Henry: Well, it’s nice to see you, too, son.
Shawn: Can I come in?
Henry: No. I was on my way out to lunch. You can come with me if you don’t bring this thing.
Henry looks at Shawn’s motorbike. Shawn rides with his father.
Later, they sit at a restaurant.
Henry: When I was in the department there were two things I hated in this world. Private investigators and psychics. Congratulations kid. You just hit the disappointment exacta.
Shawn: Thank you, thank you very much. It sort of happened by accident.
Henry: What are you gonna do when you get caught? Move out of town?
Shawn: I’m not gonna get caught.
Henry: Shawn this is just like everything else. Three months from now, you’re gonna be on a bus going to Minneapolis ‘cause you found your calling as a weatherman.
Shawn: It’s not like that this time. Have you been listening to me? I finally figured out a way to use my special gift. You should be thrilled! You’re the one that made me this way. I’m good at this.
Henry: Oh, oh. I see. You’re so good at it, what are you doing knocking at my door?
Shawn: You think I came to you for help. Okay. There was no ransom drop.
Henry: I’m not gonna be a part of this.
Shawn: Come on. Would you just hear me out?
Henry: Okay, no ransom drop, so what? Big deal.
Shawn: So, six days, nothing? Not even a demand?
Henry: It happens all the time. That’s not unprecedented. They try to create panic in the family.
Shawn: Yeah, I know, I know, but not this guy. This guy wanted it done quickly. I know that.
Henry: Well then, you missed something. You’ve been driving your motorcycle all across the country, working your bungee cord jumping expeditions, you’re soft. Hey, pal, it happens.
Shawn: I’m not soft. I’m sharpen than I’ve ever been.
Henry: Close your eyes.
Shawn: No way, I’m not seven.
Henry: Close your eyes. Any longer, I’ll think you’re cheating.
Henry: How many hats are in the room?
Shawn: All right, fine. Just in case you’re trying to pull a fast one, I’m not counting the one in your pocket.
Shawn thinks, and with eyes still closed points to the first hat he saw.
Shawn: Nylon fishing hat on the loner in the corner. Foam cap on the kid who’s too young to know they were lame the first time they came out. Both truckers. One a convrete company I’ve never heard of, the other advertising free mustache rides. I’m fairly certain no one’s taken him on that offer. Norwegian girl, ponytail pulled out the back. Unfortunately, she’s married, and our friendly bartender, wearing the official hat of the restaurant. Six hats.
Shawn: That’s it.
Henry: Sorry pal, there are seven hats. I can’t help you. You missed something.
Shawn: I didn’t miss anything.
Henry: There are seven hats, Shawn.
Shawn: Were. Before I closed my eyes. Cowboy-hat walked out while I was ridiculing mustache-rides.
Henry looks around.
Shawn: Come on. I heard her boots.
Henry: All right. Close enough.
Shawn: Close enough? No, I nailed that.
Henry: Yeah, but you changed the rules. But, hey, if it makes you happy.
Henry leaves the table. Shawn follows him.
Shawn: Changed the rules? I did not change the rules. What I did was nail it, and you know it!
Henry: Shawn, you want my advice? Go out, get yourself a real job, grow up. In the mean time, you might wanna ask yourself who you’re trusting in this case and maybe you shouldn’t. ‘cause obviously, you’re overlooking somebody.
Henry hands Shawn the bill.
Henry: Thanks for lunch.
Shawn and Gus stake out at the McCallum Textiles office.
Gus: Why are we at the McCallum offices?
Shawn: What is the magnification on these things?
Shawn: Okay, we need to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home.
Gus: Why don’t you just take your big, loud motorcycle?
Shawn watches as Katarina and Bill walk out of the building.
Shawn: Oh, here we go, here we go!
Gus: Oh, hell no! You got me out of work so you could stalk a girl?
Shawn: Damn it, what is he doing here?
Gus: I can’t believe this!
Shawn: What’s up with his hair? It’s horrible. I knew I should’ve had him picked up for questioning.
Shawn watches as Bill kisses Katarina on the cheek.
Shawn: That is not the way a grown man kisses a grown woman. We’re fine.
Shawn: Why does she look so nervous?
Shawn focuses on the duffel bag that Katarina is carrying.
Shawn: Oh, no. Is it just me, or does that bag look like it’s filled with stacks of ransom money?
Shawn hands Gus the binoculars.
Gus: Give me that. Oh my God!
Gus: It was her! You’re dating a murderer.
Shawn: Not exclusively.
Gus laughs and follows Katarina’s car.
Gus: You see. I knew there was a reason she went for you so easily.
Shawn: She wasn’t lying, Gus. I know when people are lying.
Gus: Oh yeah? Apparently not, you just got played.
Later, Shawn and Gus park near an alleyway where Katarina has parked her car.
Gus: Should we call the cops?
Shawn: Too late for that.
Gus: You could pretend you had a vision of a girl totally manipulating you.
Shawn: Would you stop.
At the alleyway, Katarina is with a guy.
Katarina: Thanks so much.
Inside the car, Shawn gets Gus’ attention.
Gus: What should we do? What should we do?
Shawn: There’s only one thing to do.
Shawn gets out of the car and hides behind a dumpster.
Gus: Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
Shawn runs and grabs the duffel bag from Katarina.
Katarina: Shawn? Hey!
Shawn grunts and runs back to the car, but bumps into Gus. Katarina and the guy run after Shawn and Gus.
Shawn: What are you doing?
Shawn: You’re supposed to stay in the car!
Gus: You didn’t tell me!
Shawn: Well, come on!
Shawn tries to open the passenger door, but it’s locked.
Shawn: Gus, you locked the car?
Gus: It’s a bad neighborhood!
Katarina: What in the world is going on, Shawn?
Shawn: I know what’s in the bag.
Katarina: You do?
Shawn: You’re good. Very good. I didn’t consider who would be the sole heir to the McCallum fortune if Camden was out of the picture.
The man tries to get the duffel bag from Shawn, but Katarina stops him.
Katarina: You think I want my family’s money?
Shawn: Well, you don’t need it, do you? Now, that you’ve got…
Shawn unzips the bag.
Shawn: This money!
Shawn pulls out a blanket. The bag is full of old clothing. The man grabs the bag from Shawn only then did he realize that the man works for the Carol’s Thrift Store. Katarina and the man walk away.
Gus gives Shawn a look of annoyance. Later, the two continue to sit inside the car to watch and wait.
Shawn: Go buy the bag.
Gus: What, you want a souvenir of your ineptitude?
Shawn: I need to get a better look inside the bag.
Gus: I’m not going in there. That guy wants to kill us.
Shawn: Gus, this guy works in a thrift store. Okay? He’s a big furry-hearted, good Samaritan. Come on, I’ll be right here. Go ahead.
Gus unwillingly gets out of the car. He sneaks into the thrift shop. The guy sees him by the door.
Guy: What the hell do you want?
Gus: Can I have the bag?
Guy: Are you serious?
Gus: Just the bag, not the clothes. I’ll pay you for it.
Guy: Oh, you’ve got some nerve coming in here.
Gus watches as Shawn sneaks inside the thrift shop.
Gus: I can’t believe this.
Guy: Neither can I. I’ve gone to jail for less than you.
Gus: Jail’s no fun, I’ll tell you that much.
Shawn checks out a polo shirt.
Guy: Oh, you’ve been?
Gus: Once, in Monopoly.
The guy prepares to hit Gus.
Gus: Okay, hold on, hold on! Who’s that?
The guy looks at Shawn as Gus runs out. Shawn grabs the duffel bag, and runs. The guy runs after Shawn.
Guy: Hey! Hey! Move! Move! Move! Hey! Get back here!
Shawn runs and jumps inside the car through the opened car window. Gus drives away.
Shawn: I can’t believe you sold me out like that!
Gus: You didn’t tell me I was the decoy.
Shawn: Of course you’re the decoy!
Shawn and Gus are in Gus’ office. Shawn opens the duffel bag and smells it.
Shawn: It seems pretty clean.
Gus: What, they didn’t happen to leave a ransom note inside?
Shawn: Give me some money.
Gus: Get your own money.
Shawn: Gus, I’ll give it back.
Gus pulls out his wallet, and hands Shawn some cash.
Shawn: Seriously, this is all you carry? Okay, so, we’ve got five stacks going across…
Shawn lays down the dollar bills on the bag.
Shawn: And you figure four going longways. Ten stacks in each pile, based on the wear and the indentation. I don’t know, depending on the denomination, this could easily be $5 million.
Gus: You’re kidding.
Shawn: Yeah, give or take.
Gus: You got that from the groove on the side?
Shawn: Oh, come on, Gus. Any small child could have figured that out.
Gus: So, somebody at that house did pay a ransom.
Shawn: Mmm-hmmm or tried to.
Shawn: I don’t know. We’re gonna need more than my psychic powers to figure this out.
Later that night, Shawn pays a visit to Detective Lucinda at the precinct.
Lucinda: You here to scope out the new meter maids?
Shawn: Nope. I’m here to see you.
Lucinda: Not interested.
Shawn: I know, you have someone special. He’s married and/or separated.
Lucinda: Is there a point to this, Mr. Spencer?
Shawn: Of course. You and I have something in common.
Lucinda: What’s that?
Shawn: We both know this case is nowhere near closed.
Lucinda: Unfortunately, gut feelings aren’t admissible in a California court.
Shawn: How about motive?
Lucinda: What do you have?
Shawn: Nothing yet. But I’ve seen something.
Lucinda: Seen, or seen?
Shawn: Well, what do you think?
Lucinda: Okay, what do you need?
Shawn: Everything you have on Malcolm Orso. He was Camden’s accomplice.
Lucinda: I’ll get fired.
Shawn: Will you really? Because it seems like a gray area to me.
Lucinda: That’s the problem with you, Mr. Spencer. You live your entire life in a gray area.
Shawn: That’s not true. Though I generally vacation in gray areas.
Lucinda: We can’t talk here.
The two go to the firing range. Detective Lucinda target practice as Shawn reads Malcolm Orso’s file.
Shawn: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up. It says Orso was seen in the town, near the cabin.
Lucinda: Yeah. Twice. Early in the week, by the store owner.
Shawn: What was he buying?
Lucinda: Nothing. The old man just saw him on the street.
Shawn: The same ole man sees him two times.
Lucinda: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Orso had one of those modified mufflers on his Nova.
Shawn: You could hear him a block away.
Lucinda: You’ll need a new target sheet.
Shawn: Oh, no, no, this is…This is fine.
Shawn puts down the file to pick up the gun.
Shawn: Wow. They’re so much lighter when they’re filled with water.
Shawn fires the gun with ease.
Lucinda: You missed.
Shawn: Did I really?
They review the target sheet where Shawn aimed right beside each of Detective Lucinda’s bullet holes.
Shawn: Look at that. It’s a perfect match.
The next day, Gus and Shawn are at the McCallum’s mansion.
Gus: I’m telling you, there’s no way Katarina’s gonna talk to you.
Shawn: yeah, well, I sort of lied about that part. We’re not here to see Katarina.
Gus: Who are we here to see?
Mr. McCallum walks down the stairs.
Mr. McCallum: This is highly inappropriate Mr. Spencer. The investigation is over.
Shawn: What if they got the wrong man?
Mr. McCallum: And who would the right man be?
Mr. McCallum leads Shawn and Gus into his study.
Gus: Mr. McCallum, I didn’t have anything to do with this.
Mr. McCallum: I killed my own son?
Shawn: Makes you feel any better, I don’t think you meant to.
Mr. McCallum: You’re not a detective. You’re not even a cop.
Shawn: You’re right. I’m a psychic. And I saw the whole thing. I see a ransom drop. You’re doing everything they ask, you didn’t call the police, you’re thinking of nothing but the security of your son. After all, what’s $5 million to you? You’re driving away. I can see it. Something strange happens. You recognize the car. You pass it on the hill. It’s Malcolm Orso’s. You’ve seen it hundreds of times at your house, ever since high school. Maybe it confirms the suspicion that you already have. You know where they are. You know the cabin.
Shawn pretends to have another vision.
Shawn: He’s making coffee. You didn’t mean to kill him, did you? No, just knock him around a little bit, teach him a lesson, but he falls on the floor, he slams his head on the oak table. He’s dead. You know he’s dead. Orso walks in. Finds you. He’s got a half-assed pistol, but he’s no criminal. You know there’s only one way to cover your tracks. You take care of him too. Make it look like a suicide. Then, you come home, inform the police, and you wait. You wait for a ransom call that will never come. Police eat it up. It’s easy to look shaken after all you’ve done. You might even be willing to take your own life. You have an overactive imagination.
Gus looks like he’s going to throw up.
Mr. McCallum: Perhaps a side-effect of your gift.
Gus: Shawn, we need to go.
Shawn: Not yet.
Gus: I’m about to throw up on a Turkish carpet.
Shawn: No, you’re not.
Gus: It’s in my esophagus.
Shawn: The second door on the left, turn on the fan and flush.
Gus runs out to go to the bathroom.
Mr. McCallum: I will not have this incident rehashed over and over again.
Shawn: I know what your relationship was with your son.
Mr. McCallum: Oh, really.
Shawn; I have a father that I disappoint all the time.
Mr. McCallum: I’m sure you do.
Shawn: I know how you feel. This is it. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, wasn’t it? To think, 18 months ago, he sat across from you, looked you right in the eye and said, “Dad, I’m gonna clean up my act this time. This time I’m gonna change, I swear.” To know that he duped you and you fell for it all over again, must’ve sent you into a state that even you can’t believe.
Mr. McCallum gets up his chair.
Mr. McCallum: Mr. Spencer, I’ve been assured by the Lieutenant Governor that this case will not cast a pall over my family, but I can assure you, it’s gonna cast one over yours.
Shawn: My very first case, and I’m already being threatened. Wow!
Gus enters the room.
Gus: Shawn, let’s go.
Shawn: I’m not quite finished.
Gus: We’re going, now.
Mr. McCallum: Listen to your friend.
Gus pulls Shawn.
Shawn: I’ll be back.
Mr. McCallum: No, you won’t.
Gus drags Shawn out of the mansion.
Shawn: Okay, we’re going. We’re clearly going, all right. Due, what are you doing? We had him on the ropes.
Gus: It wasn’t the right tack.
Shawn: Oh, you’re the expert now?
Gus: Consumine. It’s for dog bites. I have some samples.
Shawn: Gus, what are you saying to me?
Gus: I’m saying there was a bottle of it in the medicine cabinet, prescribed Wednesday. You wonder why he had on that long-sleeved shirt in the heat that first day?
Shawn: Oh, my gosh! That dog did have blood on its teeth.
Gus: I told you it wasn’t Snausages.
Shawn and Gus sit in the car.
Gus: We’re never getting back in there
Shawn: I know. Just give me a second.
Shawn closes his eyes then puts his fingers on his temple.
Gus: What are you doing?
Shawn: I’m thinking.
Gus: You look ridiculous.
Shawn pulls out his cellular phone.
Gus: Now, what are you doing?
Shawn: Calling the cops.
Gus: You heard the guy in there. They’re never gonna come.
Shawn: I’m not calling the cops on him, I’m calling the cops on us. Gus, we need this to play out in front of an audience, with all the major players in place.
Woman on Phone: Santa Barbara Police Department.
Shawn in Deep Voice: Yes, hello. I’m calling from the McCallum residence. There’s an intruder here. He simply won’t leave. He’s claiming to be a psychic that works for your department.
Woman: Pardon me?
Shawn in Deep Voice: Mr. McCallum is enraged, and he wants this handled by the highest authority possible. Please send the Chief immediately.
Shawn hangs up then sniffs.
Shawn: Did you really vomit?
The police arrive. Mr. McCallum looks out the window.
Mr. McCallum: Who called them?
Butler: I don’t know sir, maybe the back staff. Those two gentlemen have not left the driveway. Would you like me to send them all away?
Mr. McCallum: No, let’s finish this.
Mr. McCallum talks to the Chief.
Mr. McCallum: As you can see, Karen, this simply cannot happen.
Chief: It’ll be taken care of, believe me. He was given clear instructions to stay away.
Mr. McCallum: I understand but…
Lassiter and Detective Lucinda arrest Shawn and Gus.
Lassiter: Yeah, it’s times like this I remember why I love my job so much.
Gus: Anytime Shawn.
Shawn: He’s getting cocky, give it a sec.
Gus: We’re gonna be at city jail in a sec.
Lassiter: Uh-huh. Here we are.
Lassiter leads Shawn to the car, and bangs his head.
Lassiter: Oh, I’m sorry. Did that hurt?
Shawn: Aaah! Something’s happening!
Shawn starts shaking.
Shawn: Gus! Something’s happening!
Lassiter: Stop it!
Shawn gets off Lassiter’s grip. Shawn falls on the lawn.
Shawn: The dog!
Lassiter: Shut up.
Shawn: He’s biting the intruder. He knows him. It’s someone he knows! The dog knows him!
Lassiter: Stop talking.
Shawn: Ouch! Ouch! The teeth are digging in!
Lassiter: Shut up! Now, there’s blood!
Lassiter pulls Shawn up from the lawn. Shawn screams. Lassiter carries Shawn to the car.
Shawn: It’s him, it’s McCallum! I can see his face! The killer is McCallum! Check his wrist! Check his right wrist! The teeth marks will match up!
Mr. McCallum: Get him out of here!
Shawn: Check the wrist!
Mr. McCallum: No one is checking any part of me!
Chief: Why not?
Mr. McCallum: Huh?
Chief: We could close this out immediately, discredit him right here. That’s an awful wound you have bandaged there.
Mr. McCallum: This is outrageous! Do you really want to do this?
Chief: I could do this now, or I could call in a warrant.
Mr. McCallum: I’ll call my lawyer.
Chief: I’ll be right here.
Shawn: I’m seeing a doctor! I’m seeing a doctor, Dr Mandali, and a word, “Consumine!” Yeah, it’s for dog bites! The wound is fresh! Check the wound! It’s a fresh wound, it’s still a fresh wound!
Mr. McCallum stammers.
Mr. McCallum: It was an accident, I didn’t…
Officer: This way, sir.
The police arrest Mr. McCallum. Gus turns to Lucinda.
Gus: You wanna take these cuffs off of me, please?
Lucinda unlocks the cuffs.
Gus: Thank you.
Lassiter: Seriously, how?
Shawn: I wish I knew.
Lassiter leaves. Gus walks over to Shawn.
Shawn: Do you think this pretty much ruins my chances with Katarina?
The next day, Shawn arrives at the Santa Barbara Police Department and enters the Chief’s office.
Shawn: There she is.
Chief: Don’t ever walk into my office without knocking.
Shawn: I’m sorry. I get excited.
Chief: You know what I’ll do to you?
Chief: You do?
Shawn: I’m psychic.
Chief: I am just finishing up in here, I’ll be with you in a moment.
Henry: That’s all right, Karen. I’ve got to get going anyway.
Henry stands up from his chair.
Chief: Thank you very much for coming down.
Henry: Yeah. Okay.
Chief: You’ve been a big help.
Chief: Have a seat. I was considering adding you to my speed dial, Mr. Spencer, but I would be remiss if I didn’t do a little background check, don’t you think?
Shawn: Ah, yes.
Chief: I asked your dad how long you’ve had the gift.
Shawn: Look, my father’s memory is pretty cloudy.
Chief: Ooh, it certainly is. His recollection doesn’t match up with you assertion at all.
Shawn: I can explain that.
Chief: You said you’ve had this ability your whole life.
Shawn: Well, whole life…I mean, it’s a bit of a gray area.
Chief: He said you didn’t get it until you were 18.
Shawn: He said that?
Shawn: Wow. That is just like him. The man simply refuses to acknowledge my abilities, my gifts. Can we discuss my fee?
The chief chuckles.
Chief: There’s a check in the cage. Sign for it, and then come back in.
Shawn: Come…come back in here?
The chief hands Shawn a case file.
Chief: You familiar with a chop shop in Summerland?
Later, Shawn runs out of the police station to catch his dad who is boarding his pickup truck.
Henry: So, are you gonna continue with this little charade?
Shawn: Well, it sort of gives me carte blanche, you know? I mean, I can work cases for the department, I can do private jobs. In fact, I’ve already got another case.
Henry: Be aware. This is the last time I cover for you, pal. I’m not okay with this, Shawn, any of it.
Shawn sees a newspaper clipping on his dad’s pickup truck’s passenger seat. It reads “Psychic Cracks Mystery”. Shawn smiles.
Shawn: I don’t expect you to be, dad.
Days later, Shawn drives Gus to their new beach front office, Psych – Private Psychic Detective.
Gus: Psych? As in gotcha.
Shawn: Or as in psychic.
Shawn and Gus enter their office.
Gus: You named your fake detective agency Psych? Why don’t you just call it “Hey, we’re fooling you and the police department. Hope we don’t make a mistake and someone dies because of it.”
Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long, it would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way to convince people you’re not lying to them, is to tell them you are!
Gus: Whatever, Shawn. It’s your agency, go for it.
Shawn: Actually, it’s our agency.
Shawn shows Gus the papers.
Shawn: I put your name on the lease as well. Tell me, does that look anything like your signature? I gave it a shot.
Gus: This better be a joke.
Shawn: Don’t worry, you won’t have to do a thing. I’ve worked out every last detail.
Gus: What’s your dental plan?
Shawn: Don’t get cavities.
Gus: Health plan?
Shawn: Same, but with hepatitis and shingles.
Gus: So, I’m supposed to quit my job, skip over and do this for no guaranteed money.
Shawn: No guaranteed money, but all guaranteed fun.
Gus: No! No more cases, Shawn. It was fun for a few days.
Shawn: Well, it’s gonna have to be fun for a minimum of six months, or we’ll have to pay a lease penalty, which would be a blemish on your otherwise very impressive credit report.
Gus: You solved one mystery, and now you’re renting office space?
Shawn: Gus, I’ve solved a bunch of mysteries. For instance, the mystery of who kept stealing your newspaper. Answer: me! The mystery of what we’re doing this weekend. Hint, it involves dragsters, and finally, the mystery that is the case the Chief just brought me in on.
Gus: You got another case already?
Shawn: A car thief got poisoned by his boss. He used something over the counter. Fizadine. No, Fizaderbal. No…uh…
Shawn: That’s it!
Gus: Wow. How’d he do that?
Shawn: I’ll tell you on the way.
Gus: Just for today, right?
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The Pilot episode of Psych was written by Steve Franks. Psych is owned by GEP Productions Inc., NBC Universal Television, Pacific Mountain Productions, and Tagline Television.
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