Roy is sitting at a table by the lunch counter and calls on Fay.
Roy: Hey, Fay. I had my cholesterol checked at the supermarket this mornin’. Look at that. Is that good?
Roy hands over to Fay the result of his cholesterol test.
Roy: Yeah, it’s a little high, huh?
Fay: Well, uh, just to give you a frame of reference, Roy, a small can of bacon grease is 350.
Roy spreads butter on his toast.
Roy: So, what should I do?
Fay: Well, you might start by cutting out butter.
Roy: Just on my food or in between meals, too?
Fay: Just do what you can, Roy.
The Sandpiper Air airplane lands.
Fay on P.A.: Announcing the arrival of Sandpiper Air Flight 26 from Boston.
Brian enters the terminal.
Joe: Hey, how’d the flight go, Brian?
Brian: Fine, fine. Hey, listen, I got a great idea when the guys come over this weekend to watch the game, why won’t we do what the islanders do in the Caribbean, huh?
Joe: Where are we gonna find bare-chested native girls in Massachusetts?
Brian: Actually, I know where, but that’s not the part I meant. Here’s what we’re gonna do. Since it’s too cold for the beach, we’ll just pull up a couple of floorboards in the living room, line the hall with palm fronds, and roast a wild boar.
Joe: How about cold cuts and potato salad?
Brian: Okay, but it sounds like a lot of trouble.
Roy: Hey, guys, guys. Are you talkin’ about food for the Boston College Providence game?
Roy: Here’s a little party-planning tip that has served me well over the years. If it’s green, it’s trouble. If it’s fried, get double.
Brian and Joe walk over to the lunch counter.
Joe: Oh, hey, uh, Brian. Brian, guess what? Merriweather called. There’s a good chance he’s gonna be here for the game.
Brian: Oh, Phil Merriweather. Oh, I haven’t seen him since our frat days.
Joe: Yeah, me neither. Ah, sure hope he can make it. Oh, the times we had back at Boston College. I wonder if he can still do that weird thing with his eye.
Lowell: I have no idea what that means, but I like the sound of it.
Helen: Ooh, hi, baby.
Joe: Mmm, hi, Helen.
Helen gives Joe a kiss.
Brian: Oh, jeez, get a room.
Joe: I got to talk to you about something. Could I see you in my office for a minute?
Joe makes his way to the office. Helen follows him, and starts tickling Joe.
Joe: Hey, hey, hey.
Helen: Whoo! I think I found a secret spot.
Lowell turns to Brian.
Lowell: I have a secret spot.
Brian: Let’s keep it that way.
Joe and Helen are in the Sandpiper Air office. Joe pulls down the shade on the door.
Joe: Helen, a situations has developed that I believe you and I need to deal with right away.
Helen looks worried.
Helen: What’s that?
Joe leans to her, and passionately kisses Helen.
Fay enters the office then gasps.
Fay: Just ignore me.
Fay shades her eyes with her hand.
Fay: I’ll just get my pen from Joe’s desk, and I’ll be out of your way.
Joe: Uh, that’s ok, Fay. There’s nothing goin’ on.
Fay: Then maybe you’re not doing it right.
Helen: Well, that was a nice, little pick-me-up, but I gotta get back to work.
Joe: Oh, Helen.
Joe: I—I actually did ask you in here for a reason.
Joe: You don’t remember, do you?
Helen: Well, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about, so I guess, no.
Joe: You know, last night.
Joe: I was taking my car in to be serviced and you were gonna…
Helen: Pick you up.
Helen’s eyes widen, and she covers her face with her hands.
Helen: Joe, I’m so sorry, I forgot. Um, I—I was giving my cello lesson. It ran late. I got to talking to Billy’s mother—
Joe: Hey, it’s—it’s no big deal, really. It’s nothin’ at all. I—I just waited on that corner for half an hour, and it only rained really hard for about 15 minutes.
Helen: Joe, I feel really terrible.
Joe: No, please, don’t. Fred Scoggins drove by. He gave me a lift home.
Joe: We had a nice little chat. We sat in the driveway talkin’ about his hip replacement for 46 minutes and 11 seconds, but it went by quick.
Helen: I don’t know what else to say. I—I’m sorry.
Joe: You—you don’t have to say anything. It’s no big deal.
Helen: Ok. Good.
Joe: It’s just that when you’re dating someone, you kind of hope they’ll be there for you when you need ‘em. I mean, that’s what it’s all about. So, I’m told.
Helen: You done making me feel guilty?
Helen: Are you sure?
Helen: Great. I gotta go. I gotta give a lesson.
Helen: Whoo! I know this is the worst possible time to bring this up to you, but my dentist says I have to have those wisdom teeth pulled, and he wants to do it on Friday. And I kind of need someone to pick me up from the dentist, and take care of me.
Joe: No problem. I know just the guy. He’s responsible, he’s available and, uh, word is he’s kind of sweet on you.
Helen: Thanks, Joe.
Joe: Me? I was talking about Fred Scoggins.
Helen: I know. Why do you think he needed that hip replaced?
Helen leaves Joe’s office. A man with an awful toupee walks over to the Sandpiper Air counter.
Fay: Can I help you?
Tupperman: Yes, I have a reservation for your Flight 7 to Hyannis. The name is Tupperman.
Fay continues to stare at the man’s toupee.
Fay: Oh, yes, of course. Can I have your ticket, please?
The man bends over to look for his ticket in his luggage. Fay could not help but stare at his toupee.
Tupperman: I can’t believe this.
Fay: Neither can I.
Tupperman: My ticket was in here this—oh, here it is.
The man hands Fay the ticket. Fay’s eyes is still fixated on the man’s toupee.
Fay: Uh, do you have any baggage to check?
Fay unconsciously leans to her left somehow gesturing to Tupperman to fix his lopsided toupee.
Tupperman: No. Are you all right?
Fay: Fine. Uh, a-a-and you?
Fay: Well, uh, we’ll be calling the flight shortly, and here’s your boarding pass, Mr. Toupeeman. Tupperman. Tupperman. You probably thought I said Toupeeman, but I didn’t. Uh, it—it doesn’t show at all.
Fay tries to contain her laughter until she gets inside Joe’s office. She points Joe to Mr. Tupperman. Joe steps out of his office, while Fay continues to laugh her heart out.
Joe: Fay, how am I gonna tell which—whoa!
Joe snickers then walks over to Roy.
Joe: Hey, Roy, check this out.
Joe walks over to the lunch counter where Brian is at the grill.
Brian: Hey, Joe, can I make you a burger?
Joe: No. Hey, does Helen know you’re doing this?
Helen: No, are you kidding?
Brian rests his hand on the grill. The grill sizzles.
Joe: Oh, Brian!
Brian imitates a grill sizzling.
Brian: Joe, this side of the grill is not on. Let’s see. I got you with that one. What is it now, 8,000, 9,000 times.
Joe: Yeah, one of these days you’re really gonna burn yourself, and I’m not gonna care. Yeah, that’ll teach me.
Brian: So, uh, what’s up?
Joe: Well, uh, we have a 4:30 flight on Saturday night. Uh, what time are the guys comin’ over for the game?
Brian: What, you kiddin’ me? The game is Friday not Saturday.
Joe: No, you mean Saturday.
Brian: No, it’s Fri—Roy, Roy. When’s the B.C. Providence game?
Roy: Friday night, your place. Be there or be stupid. Lowell, you can be both.
Joe: They can’t play on Friday. Helen’s havin’ her wisdom teeth pulled Friday.
Brian: Oh, well, they probably didn’t know that when they scheduled the game. I’ll make a call. I’ll have them change it.
Roy: What do Helen’s teeth have to do with this?
Joe: I’m taking her home from the dentist and taking care of her.
Brian: Get out of it.
Joe: Hey, when you’re in a relationship, it’s the kind of thing you do once in a while.
Brian: No, you don’t. Paper covers rock, rock smashes scissors. Guy stuff beats girl stuff.
Joe: God, it’s killing me not to be able to see the game with you guys, but I—I just went through this whole thing about being there for each other.
Roy: Hacket, here’s your wake up call. That’s ‘70s Alan Alda male sensitivity crap is over.
Joe: I can’t believe the game is on Friday. I thought I checked my calendar.
Roy: Huh, maybe you had a little trouble seein’ past that ring in your nose.
Roy and Brian laughs. Lowell looks closely at Joe’s nose.
Roy: Lowell it was a joke.
Lowell: Well, if you have to point that out, it obviously wasn’t a very good one.
Brian: Uh, Joe, not only are you gonna miss the game, but what if Phil Merriweather shows up? You know he’s gonna do the eye thing.
Joe: You’re not making this any easier for me, Brian.
Brian: All right, Joe. Joe, you do whatever you need to do. But I’m warnin’ you ‘cause these things start small, and they start gathering speed and after a while you wake up one day totally whipped.
Joe: Listen. Let me explain this for the relationship-impaired. I’m taking care of Helen because I want to take care of Helen. If you guys insist on razzing me like a couple of 4th graders, I’m gonna tell you exactly what I told the guys back when Mary Lou Hopkins invited me into her playhouse.
Joe starts singing.
Joe: I’ve got a girl friend and you don’t
Brian: I hope Joe doesn’t think he was the first guy in that playhouse.
Joe leads Helen into her bedroom. Helen looks like she has a roll of socks in each side of her cheek.
Joe: Ok, Helen, why don’t you just—just lie down right here, and get comfortable. Remember, I’m here if you need me.
Helen lies down and mumbles something.
Joe: If that was thank you, you’re welcome. Now, I’m gonna go fill the ice bag.
Helen tries to lie on her side, but grunts in pain. She turns to her left side then almost cries. Joe returns with the ice bag.
Joe: So, how are you doing?
Helen mumbles again.
Joe: A—a pill? I’m sorry I just don’t—
Helen point to the chest at the foot of the bed.
Joe: Oh, oh, a pillow. Yeah, sure. Comin’ right up.
Joe takes out a pillow from the chest and puts it under Helen’s head.
Joe: Here you go.
Helen mumbles a “thank you”.
Joe: Oh, you know, Helen, I almost forgot. The dentist said you should drink plenty of liquids, and gargle every 2 hours with salt water to avoid dry socket. So, uh, why—why don’t you do that before you get settled.
Joe helps Helen out of her bed.
Joe: Oh, uh, and as a special favor to me, would you mind saying “you’ve dishonored the Corleone family?”
Joe: Harry, honey?
Helen shakes her head, and mumbles. She stands up.
Joe: Oh, I think I got that one.
The phone rings. Joe answers it.
Joe: Hey, what do you want?
Brian: I know you’re probably rinsing and swabbing, and having more fun than any guy has a right to, but you gotta get your fanny over here, man.
Joe: Brian, we’ve been through this.
Brian: Yeah, but—but the guys are all asking for you. This is the best party we’ve ever had, and the game hasn’t even started yet.
Joe: You’re not roasting a pig in the living room, are you?
Brian: No, but the night’s still young.
The men cheer.
Joe: Hey, what’s that? What’s that? What’s goin’ on?
Brian: Oh, oh, oh. It’s Merriweather!
Brian turns his head away.
Brian: Oh, man! He’s doing the eye thing. He came through the door doing the eye thing.
Brian: Ah! Both eyes! He’s done it with both eyes. He’s accomplished a double. No! No! Grown men are weeping. The crowd is going wild.
Brian pulls up the phone so that Joe could hear the men.
Brian: Joe, Joe, you gotta come by, you got to—
Joe is not listening.
Brian: You gotta see it. Joe? Joe?
Joe: Both eyes?
Joe is still on the phone.
Joe: Listen. Brian, I got a plan. Helen is pretty out of it, so when she goes to sleep, I can sneak over there, see the game, watch Merriweather do the double, then I’ll come back here. She’ll never know I was gone.
Brian: Ah, a relationship built firmly on trust and honesty. How I envy you.
Joe: I gotta go.
Helen enters the room.
Joe: Ah, Helen. You look beat. Here, why don’t you just lie down here? I’ll plump up your pillows, and you can drift off into dreamland.
Joe: Ugly? No, you’re not ugly.
Helen looks at Joe with a mix of anger and confusion.
Joe: The swelling will go down soon.
Helen mumbles again what she said earlier. Helen mumbles again, and again to no avail. She decides to gesture eating.
Joe: Oh, oh, hungry. Oh, you don’t want to eat now. You’re way too tired to eat.
Joe: Uh, ok, well, I—I went to the store and picked up some baby food, so you won’t have to chew. How about some nice, strained carrots? Ok, how about some strained beef?
Helen looks disgusted.
Joe: Strained peas?
Helen closes her eyes in disgust.
Joe: Strained relationship?
Helen looks at Joe.
Joe: Uh, no—nothing. Nothing.
Joe looks at his watch.
Joe: Oh, well, hey, look. It’s time for a pain pill.
Joe takes a glass of water and a bottle of pills.
Joe: Um, look at this. This is an interesting side effect. These can make you drowsy.
Helen drinks the pills.
Joe: Uh, Helen you’re dribbling.
Helen is fast asleep. Joe mouths and gestures “yes”.
Joe makes his way to the door when the floorboard creaks. Helen wakes up and groans. Joe sighs.
Joe: Damn! Right here. What is it?
Joe walks over to the other side of the bed where the nightstand is.
Joe: December issue, right?
Joe: I’m getting pretty good at this, and now if I read to you will you go to sleep like a good girl?
Joe sits beside Helen.
Joe: Whoa, would you look at these ads? Hair cream, body cream, hand cream, eye cream. One good hug and you’d squirt right through the ceiling.
Helen laughs. She points to an article.
Joe: Ok. “What women want in men? Research shows that the number 1 quality women admire in men is selflessness.”
Helen pats Joe.
Joe: “Often referred to as the Galahad Syndrome, a woman feels most loved when a man puts aside his own petty desires to come to her aid.”
Helen has fallen back to sleep. Joe stutters.
Joe: Look, Helen, I…
Helen starts snoring.
Joe: The end.
Joe slowly makes his way out of the door. The floorboard creaks, but Helen is still fast asleep. Joe tries to sneak out the door, but the floorboard would not stop from creaking. Joe leaps out of the door to avoid the creaking, but then falls with a thud. Joe crawls back to the bedroom to check on Helen, but she remains fast asleep.
At his house, the men are cheering as they watch the game.
Man on TV: Now over to Abel. Able drives the lane, blows the lay-up, but it’s tipped in by Hinton.
Man on TV: Boston College on an 8 to nothing run. It’s a time out, Providence. We’ll be right back.
Brian: Time out. Oh, oh, guys, guys, there’s Brewskis in the fridge. Go, go, help yourselves. Lowell, I thought that you were going to bring the dessert.
Lowell: I did. It’s right there. Dolba.
Brian picks up the dessert that looks like a huge lump of dough.
Lowell: I know, I know. You don’t expect to see it unless it’s a Norwegian holiday.
Roy: Lowell, that just looks like a big wad of dough.
Lowell: Now think about it, Roy. I couldn’t very well put the sardines and rock candy on the outside now, could I?
Joe arrives. Everybody cheers.
Brian: Hey, I knew you’d make it, you big lug.
Joe: Hey, was there any doubt? So, where is he? Where’s Merriweather?
Brian: Ah, he’s over there entertainin’ the troops. He’s—he’s killin’ ’em with the eye thing.
Joe runs over to Merriweather.
Joe: Oh, hey, Merriweather, Merriweather, how you doin’? Hey, can you do the—
Joe and the men exclaim, and step back from Merriweather.
Joe: The double. I wasn’t ready for the double. I’ll—I’ll talk to you later. Hasn’t his technique matured?
Brian: Oh, yeah, there’s a complexity that wasn’t there during his school days.
Joe: Yeah, I have to agree.
Roy: So, how’s Helen?
Joe: Uh, she’s fine.
Roy: Is there much swelling?
Joe: Uh, a fair amount, but that’s to be expected.
Roy: Is she in much pain?
Joe: Some, but she’s got uh, Dravidan for that.
Roy: Dravidan? They gave her Dravidan. That’s pretty strong stuff.
Man: Yeah, they gave me that once. I got a real buzz. I was lucky my wife was with me when I took it.
Joe: Why do you say that?
Man: Saved my life. About 3:00 in the morning she found me perched on top of the staircase. I, honest to God, I thought I could fly.
The men start whistling then start laughing.
Joe: Gotta run.
Brian: Leaving so soon? Why?
Joe: Yeah, well, I just really came to see Merriweather, anyway.
Brian: Oh, come on. What’re you doin’?
Joe: Where is that chucklehead?
Joe turns when Merriweather who is standing behind him surprises him with his eye trick. Everybody exclaims.
Joe: You got to warn me before you do that. It’s good to see you again.
Brian: Come on, guys.
The men gather around the television set.
Brian: Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
Joe arrives at Helen’s house. He enters her bedroom, but the floorboard creaks. Helen is still fast asleep. Joe avoids the creaking floorboards by sitting on top of the dresser then softly hopping on to the rugged floor. He sits on the chest by the foot of the bed when the phone rings. The ringing of the phone wakes Helen. Joe runs for the phone.
Joe: I’m here, I’m here. I haven’t gone anywhere.
Joe answers the phone.
Brian: Joe, did you see that play?
Joe: I just got here.
Brian: Well, turn on the TV, man. They’re gonna do the replay. It’s unbelievable.
Joe hangs up the phone then grabs the remote on the nightstand and start clicking, but he can’t find the television. Joe opens the cabinet, but there’s no TV only Helen’s clothes. Joe shakes Helen.
Joe: Helen! Helen! Wake up. Where’s you’re T.V. set?
Surprised Helen sits up, and mumbles.
Joe: In the shop? In the shop? Why didn’t you tell me? In the shop.
Joe sulks in a chair.
The men cheers as they continue to watch the game.
Male Commentator: …by Turner. Good!
There’s a knock on the door.
Male Commentator: Boston College now up by 2.
Brian: Come on! The guy’s on steroids. Pituitary case.
Brian opens the door to find Joe carrying a sleeping Helen who is wrapped in a blanket.
Brian: Oh, great, Joe. You brought a centerpiece.
Joe shushes Brian.
Joe: You’ll wake her up. I’m going to put her down in the bedroom.
The men watch as Joe carries Helen to the bedroom.
Man: What’s she doing here?
The other men start chattering.
Brian: He takes her everywhere. I told him to get a wallet photo.
Joe returns to the living room.
Joe: What’s going on?
Roy: B.C. is up by 2.
Joe: Oh, great. How much time is left?
Brian: About 5 minutes.
Joe: Great. Where’s Merriweather.
Roy: He left. He had a splitting headache.
Lowell: I think we may have asked too much of him.
The men cheer. One man even started whooping.
Joe: Hey, hey, hey. Guys, guys!
Joe shushes the men.
Joe: Guys, keep it down. There’s a lady asleep in the next room.
All grumble. Joe shushes them down.
Later, all are intensely watching the game, but could only silently exclaim. Lowell enters the living room.
Lowell: What’s the score?
Joe: Hey, shh. Lowell, Lowell, keep it down. You’ll wake up Helen.
Lowell: Uh, I don’t think so, Joe.
Joe: Why do you say that?
Lowell: I looked in to check on her, and she wasn’t there. She’s gone.
Joe: Gone? What do you mean gone?
Joe runs to the bedroom.
Lowell: Does he really not understand the word, or is he just panicking?
Joe returns to the living room.
Joe: She’s gone! Helen is gone!
Lowell: Didn’t I just say that?
Joe: Ok, come on, we got to split up and look for her.
Man: Who goes where?
Joe: Uh, I don’t—I don’t know. Uh, Providence, take the beaches. Boston College, take the neighborhoods. Come on, let’s go. Come on, guys. Ro-Roy, we can’t let her wander around town in the state she’s in.
Roy: Hackett, this is an island. She’ll come to when she hits the water.
The following day, Joe and Brian tell the story to Fay.
Joe: Well, it took us a while, but we finally found her asleep on the neighbor’s porch.
Brian: Yeah, she was curled up with their Irish setter.
Fay: I love dogs. I used to have a Dachshund I let sleep at the foot of my bed. He never liked my 2nd husband, George, very much. Of course, I didn’t either.
Joe: Yes, so, anyway, I packed her in the car, drove her home and put her right in bed. So far, so good. She doesn’t seem to remember a thing about last night. I think I’m home free.
Helen arrives at the airport terminal.
Helen: Joe Hackett. I need to talk to you. I know what you did last night.
Brian: Hmm, you better stand up and take your medicine. Uh, I suggest Dravidan.
Joe walks over to Helen.
Joe: Helen. Helen, listen, about last night—
Helen: Don’t say a word. Sit. What you did last night was the sweetest thing anybody’s ever done for me.
Joe: Excuse me?
Helen: I read the paper this morning. You missed the Boston College Providence game to play nursemaid to me.
Joe: Oh, well, you know, what we talked about in my office. When you’re involved with someone you, uh, have to be there when the other person needs you.
Helen: Yeah, but how many other guys would have done what you did?
Brian: Oh, not many.
Helen: Thank you.
Helen gives Joe a kiss, but groans given her swelling. She goes to the kitchen.
Joe: God, I finally get a relationship started, and—and look at me. I’ve already lied to her, snuck around behind her back, gotten away with it, and now she’s thanked me for it.
Brian: Feels kind of great, doesn’t it?
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Love Is Like Pulling Teeth” episode was written by Dave Hackel. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Previous Wings Transcript: Airport 90
Next Wings Transcript: The Tennis Bum
More Wings Transcripts
- Downton Abbey
- House of Cards
- Mad Men
- McLeod's Daughters
- Mr. Selfridge
- Orphan Black
- Pushing Daisies
- Remington Steele
- The Tudors
- Three's Company
- White Collar
- Wild Card
- Canceled TV Show
- TV Show Trivia
- TV Show News
- TV Quotes
- Watch Full Episodes