Lowell is watching Roy at the Aeromass counter reading a paper.
Lowell: Roy, are you in the mood for a little chuckle? Watch this.
Lowell dials the pay phone. The Sandpiper Air phone rings, and Fay answers the phone.
Fay: Good afternoon. Sandpiper Air.
Lowell: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?
Fay: Who is this?
Lowell: It’s Lowell.
Fay: Oh, hello, Lowell.
Lowell: Hi, Fay.
Lowell waves at Fay, and she waves back.
Fay: Uh, how’s your day?
Fay: How’s your wife and kids?
Lowell: Great. How’s your cold?
Fay: Oh, much better thanks for asking.
Lowell: Before I forget, uh, you better let him out.
Lowell: Prince Albert.
Fay: That’s right. You get me every time.
Lowell: I tell ya, it’s foolproof.
Roy: Not in this case.
Helen and Joe are in the Sandpiper Air airplane with Brian as pilot.
Joe: Hey, Brian, looks like we’re almost over the drop area.
Helen: Mmm! I’ve never stocked a lake with fish before. This is kind of exciting.
Brian: Yeah, it’s every pilot’s dream, dropping trout out of an airplane. It’s part of the Lindbergh flight you don’t hear much about.
Joe: Hey, it’s the off-season. It pays the bills.
Helen: Don’t they usually stock these lakes with trucks?
Joe: I underbid Charley down at Charley’s bait and tackle.
Brian: Yes, and now you can boast that you got the better of a man who spends most of his time down at the petting zoo stuffing goat chow down his pants.
Joe: Ok, Brian, just yell “now” when we’re over the lake.
Joe goes to the back of the plane.
Brian: Hey, Helen.
Brian: Wanna take the controls for a minute?
Brian: Why, go ahead.
Helen: No, Brian.
Brian: It’s a rush.
Helen: Brian, I can’t do that.
Helen: No, I really couldn’t. Could I? You think?
Brian: Yeah, Yeah. Go ahead. Go ahead. Take the yoke.
Helen grabs the wheel. She gasps.
Brian: Mmm. Beats tossing French fries into deep fat, huh?
Helen: I’ll say.
Helen: But I’m just holding onto the wheel, I’m not really flying it, right?
Brian takes his hands off the wheel.
Brian: Uh, you are now.
Brian: Yes, now.
Joe drops the trout.
Joe: There they go.
Joe: You said “now”. I dropped the fish.
Brian: No, I wasn’t talkin’ to you. I was talkin’ to her.
Joe: Wonder how long trout can live in trees.
Roy puts his luggage down by the Aeromass counter.
Roy: Thanks for taking care of my dog while I’m in Boston, Fay.
Fay: Oh, my pleasure, Roy. I love dogs. I’m sure Brutus and I’ll get along fine. Are there any special little treats that he likes?
Roy brings out a fairly large cage, and another one of his luggage.
Roy: Anything that puts up a fight.
Fay: Oh, don’t be silly, Roy. He’s such a sweet—
Brutus barks and growls at Fay. Roy drops the cage and his luggage hits him on the head.
Fay: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Can’t you put him in the kennel?
Roy: Not anymore. They banned him for life. Some trumped-up story about a missing Chihuahua.
Roy puts down the cage at the Sandpiper Air counter.
Fay: Gee, I don’t know, Roy—
Roy: Oh, come on, Fay. Now, you can’t back out on me at the last minute. And you promised.
Fay clicks her tongue.
Roy: Oops, there’s my plane. I gotta go. I’m sure everything will be fine. Here’s his muzzle, feeding glove, and discipline stick.
Roy hands Fay a duffle bag.
Roy: Oh, and one more thing. If he lowers his ears, and his pupils go completely black, run like hell. Have fun.
Roy runs out the gate. Helen goes over to the Sandpiper Air counter. Fay takes another look at Brutus. The dog snarls at her. Terrified Fay drops the duffle bag.
Helen knocks on Joe’s office, and enters.
Joe: Hey, there, what can I do for you?
Helen: Joe, I want you to teach me to fly.
Joe: You want to fly? You?
Joe: Miss “I don’t date pilots” wants to be one?
Helen: Joe, ever since I had those controls in my hands this morning, it’s all I can think of. That power. That freedom.
Joe: Yeah, it’s pretty great, huh?
Helen: Yeah. I guess all those times you went on and on and on about flying, I should’ve been listening.
Joe: Gee, it always looked like you were riveted.
Helen: Riveted, comatose. It’s a fine line.
Brian enters Joe’s office.
Joe: Hey, Brian, get a load of this. Helen wants to learn how to fly.
Brian: You? You want to fly? You, Miss “I don’t date pilots” wants to be one?
Brian and Joe laugh.
Helen: I don’t believe this. Joe said the exact same thing.
Brian: I know. I was eavesdropping.
Helen: Ok, Joe. So you’ll teach me to fly?
Joe: Yeah, sure. Why not?
Joe: Hey, you know, maybe I could find a few other students and start a little flight school. Brian, you could teach the air stuff and, since I’m grounded, I could teach the ground stuff.
Brian: Air stuff, ground stuff. I’m lost. How about you, Helen?
Joe: Yeah. I—I like that idea. I’ll tell you when it starts.
Helen: Great. Thanks.
Joe: Oh, oh, Helen. By the way, uh, do you wanna go see a movie Saturday night?
Helen: Uh, are you talkin’ about a date or you just wanna go to a movie?
Joe: What’s the difference?
Brian: Where your hands are during the movie.
Brian sprays breath freshener into his mouth.
Joe: Uh, Brian.
Brian: All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Things are starting to get a little personal. You don’t have to hit me over the head with a hammer.
Brian makes his way to the door and closes the door.
Brian: Now, where were we?
Joe and Helen give him a piercing look.
Brian: Oh, yes, I was trying your patience.
Joe: Uh, you know, Helen, when I asked you if you wanted to go to the movies I was really just asking as a friend.
Helen: Oh, good, because that’s what I was hoping that you meant. You know after that first date this whole dating thing didn’t seem to go so well.
Joe: Yeah, no kidding, we never even went on a 2nd date.
Helen: Oh, you noticed that, too?
Joe: So, we’re not dating.
Helen: Obviously not.
Joe: Great! Now we can got o the movies and enjoy ourselves.
Helen: Great. Boy, us dating was one of the dumbest things to come down the pike in a long time.
Joe: What were we thinking?
Helen: I don’t know. Probably hoping we would fall in love and get married and be deliriously happy for the rest of our lives.
Joe and Helen gaze at each other, then snort.
Days later, Joe has started his flight school, and is writing on the chalkboard.
Joe: Well, ok, I think we’re just about ready to begin. Uh, Lowell, Lowell, why don’t you come sit up here with the others?
Lowell: Well, okay, Joe. I just didn’t want anyone to think I was kissing up to the teacher.
Joe: But, Lowell, by the way, thanks for the cigars and brandy.
Lowell: My pleasure, Joe.
Joe: Hi, I’m Joe Hackett, and I would like to welcome you all to the inaugural class of the Hackett Flight Academy. Where our motto is,
Helen raises her hand.
Joe: “Safety first, fun second.” Uh, yes, Helen.
Helen: I wanna go up in a plane. When do we get to fly?
Joe: Helen, an airplane is an incredibly complicated piece of machinery with dozens of dials and sophisticated instruments that have to be thoroughly understood before you take it thousands of feet in the air.
Helen: Oh. So, like, after lunch?
Joe: Just be patient.
Lowell raises his hand.
Joe: Yes, Lowell?
Lowell: Uh, Joe, will there be a question about the motto on the final exam?
Lowell erases his note about the motto, and blows out the dirt from his erasure.
Joe: Ok. Anyway, uh…
Lowell continues to sputter as he keeps on blowing off the erasure.
Joe: Anyway, just to get acquainted why don’t we all share why we ant to fly? Helen?
Helen: Because flying a plane is orgasmic.
Joe: Ok. Lowell?
Lowell: Helen took my answer.
Joe: Uh, Mrs. Windsor.
Mrs. Windsor: Hello, I’m Cathy Windsor from Wauwinet. I’ve been a housewife for over 23 years, and I’m here because I wanna laugh in the face of death.
Joe: Okay, just remember, safety first. Now, in today’s class we’re gonna talk about the basics of flight.
Helen raises her hand.
Joe: Yes, Helen?
Helen: So you’re saying that we’ll be flying in like a couple of days?
Joe: Not in my plane, you won’t. We got a lot of material to get through here, people. All right. Let’s just start by talking about the 4 forces that act upon the plane in flight.
Lowell sharpens his pencil with his battery-operated sharpener.
Joe: Those forces are lift, thrust, drag, and weight. Now, let—
Lowell continues sharpening his other pencils.
Joe: Uh—let’s start with lift.
Joe stutters as Lowell continues sharpening.
Joe: Now, lift—lift—hey, Lowell. Lowell. Can I borrow that pencil sharpener for a second?
Lowell: Uh, sure, teach.
Joe takes the sharpener and throws it to a wall.
Joe: A lift can best be explained by Bernoulli’s theorem.
Helen looks disinterested and turns to her side.
Joe: Which states the faster a fluid moves past an object…
Days later in the same class, Mrs. Windsor had finished knitting a sweater.
Joe: …in a nutshell, is the theory of lift.
Helen has her face buried in her hand that is clutching her hair, and is banging the armchair with her elbow.
Joe: Any questions?
Helen: Yes! It’s been six freakin’ days and we’re still on lift! Six mind-numbing, coma-inducing, suicide-provoking days of pure and utter hell!
Joe: Did we forget to raise our hand?
Helen walks out.
Joe: Hey, where are you going?
Helen: I’m just gonna take a little break.
Joe: Uh, yeah, why don’t we all take a break when we come back we’ll have a quiz. You’ll need a number two pencil.
Joe follows Helen out of the hangar. Lowell looks through his two jars of pencils then looks at Mrs. Windsor.
Lowell: Can I borrow a number 2 pencil?
Joe runs for Helen.
Joe: Hey, hey, what the hell was that all about?
Helen: It was about quitting, Joe, which I just did.
Helen: You’re boring. You’re boring! You’ve managed to such every ounce of excitement out of the most exciting thing I’ve ever done.
Joe: Well, I’m sorry you don’t find it as exciting as my other students do.
Helen: Oh, yeah, right. Lowell spent the entire class yesterday watching an ant push a grain of salt across his desk. And you know what?
Helen grabs Joe by the sweater.
Helen: I envied him.
Joe: You’re a bitter woman, Helen. I’m gonna go back into class. I suggest you join me.
Helen imitates Joe. She buries her face in her hand, but then follows Joe.
Brian: Psst. Hey, little girl. Do you wanna fly? I’ll let you fly.
Later that night, Roy arrives at the airport.
Roy: Hi, Fay.
Fay: Hi, Roy. How was the trip?
Roy: It was great. Where’s Brutus? Where’s my little meat grinder?
Fay: Oh, here he is.
Roy: He’s out of his cage! Fay, he’s…you…
Fay coos, and leads Brutus out of the Sandpiper Air counter. The vicious bulldog now wears a red sweater and a big red bow on his head.
Roy: Brutus? Fay, what did you do to him?
Fay: Nothing. I treated him very well. Now, I gave him my Yankee pot roast, I let him sleep on my bed, and I rubbed his tummy.
Fay rubs Brutus’ tummy. The dog growls contentedly.
Roy: Fay, how could you do that to him? You spoiled him. You turned him into a sissy dog.
Fay: He is not a sissy dog. He just got in touch with his feminine side.
Roy takes Brutus.
Roy: Come on. You make me sick. That bow is comin’ off right now!
Roy reaches for the bow. Brutus barks at him then snarls.
Roy: Although it—it does set off your eyes.
Helen runs to Brian.
Helen: Hey, Brian, come on. Let’s go fly.
Brian: Now, we can’t take the plane until Joe leaves and he’s in there right now trying to inject some humor into tomorrow’s lesson.
Helen: Oh, forget about it. He’ll be in there all night. We’ll never get the plane out of here.
Brian: Well, that might be true if you were talkin’ to somebody who knew right from wrong, but as luck would have it, you’re with me.
Joe is in his office working on tomorrow’s lesson.
Joe: The successful pilot is the observant pilot.
Joe does not notice the plane moving behind him.
Joe: You’ve got to be aware of everything that’s going on around you.
Helen sits on the cart that’s pushing the plane and waves to Joe who has his back turned. Brian is the one pushing the cart.
Joe: And you must be responsive to every movement of your aircraft. Good. It’s good.
Brian and Helen are inside the Sandpiper Air airplane.
Helen: Ok Brian, when do I get to fly?
Brian: All right, all right, keep your pants on or not. Personally, I find flying al fresco quite liberating. Ok, ok, take the yoke.
Helen grabs the wheel, and exclaims then moans.
Helen: I remember this.
Brian: Yeah, uh, you might want to give it a little more left rudder ‘cause you’re starting to yaw a little bit.
Helen: Rudder, rudder? That is the pedal. Ok.
Brian: Right there, ok?
Helen: Right. Yes. Turn, baby, turn. Turn for mama, baby. Turn, slow and long.
Brian: Helen, please, stop doing that.
Helen: Oh, stop turning.
Brian: No, stop talking like that. You’re startin’ to get me hot. I mean, you are dating my brother.
Helen: Well, actually not, we decided it wasn’t such a good idea.
Brian: Just give it a little more right rudder.
Helen: Oh, yes. Give it rudder.
Helen: Oh, yeah.
Brian: Mind if I join you?
Brian also takes the wheel, and moans. Helen exclaims then moans. Helen hears a metallic rattling.
Helen: What was that?
Brian: Shut up and keep turning.
Helen: No, Brian. What was that?
Brian: Bah, it was probably just a loose fire extinguisher or something. Here, hole a steady course. I’ll check it out.
Brian unfastens his seatbelt and makes his way to the back of the plane.
Brian: Oh, yeah—
The plane experiences turbulence.
Helen: Oh, God!
Brian badly bumps his head on the ceiling without Helen noticing.
Helen: Oh, God! Brian, I’m so sorry! I swear, I didn’t touch anything. Brian? Brian?
Helen turns her head around, and finds Brian lying on the floor.
Helen: Oh, Brian, quit fooling around. Oh, Lord.
Helen unfastens her seatbelt and makes her way to Brian, but then the plane dives.
Helen exclaims. She returns to her seat, and grabs the wheel.
Helen: Ok, Brian, if you’re trying to scare me, this is not very funny.
Helen turns to Brian, but he is not faking. Brian is truly unconscious.
Helen: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh, I think I’m gonna throw up. Oh, God! Ok, get yourself together, Helen. Now, you have had six days of ground school. You know lots of stuff…about lift. Oh, God!
Helen gasps. She takes the radio.
Helen: Ok. Ok. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Man on Radio: This is Nantucket tower. Please identify yourself. Over.
Helen: Um, uh—uh, yes, this is—this is Helen Chapel. You know from the lunch counter. Could I please talk to someone who knows how to land a plane?
Joe runs out of his office.
Joe: The tower just called. Helen’s up in the plane. Brian is out cold. She’s gonna have to make an emergency landing.
Joe makes his way to the tower.
Roy: All right. Nobody panic. The first thing is…uh—uh, no, uh…
Roy stutters. He grabs the phone, but is too nervous that the clipboard his holding and the phone just fall.
Lowell: Fay, call 911. Tell ‘em to notify the paramedics we have a possible crash landing. Then call the hospital, tell ‘em to get their trauma team together, just in case.
Fay does as what Lowell ordered her to do.
Roy: Wait, Helen is above—
Lowell: Roy! Snap out of it!
Lowell slaps Roy on the face.
Lowell: Call the fire department. Tell them we have foam and dry chemicals here, but I want their two newest pumper trucks here on the double. Tell ‘em I know it takes 8 minutes to get here. I want ‘em here in 4. I’m gonna get the foam truck out on the runway. Now, let’s move it! This is for Helen!
Lowell walks away from the gate.
Fay: Lowell! The runway is this way.
Joe arrives at the tower.
Joe: What’s the situation, Walter?
Joe takes the binoculars.
Walter: Her altitude’s 3,500, heading…210, ceiling is 10,000, broken wind 170, true at 5 knots. I’ve moved out the traffic in the area. She’s clear to land. Got some apples over here, if you’re hungry.
Joe: No, thanks.
Walter: I belong to the Fruit-of-the-Month club. Next month: Mangos.
Joe talks on the radio.
Joe: Helen, I can’t see you. So, the first thing we need to do is to make sure you’re flying level. How’s your attitude?
Helen: How’s my attitude? How is my attitude? It stinks! That’s how my attitude is! I’m flyin’ in a gas tank with wings! How would your attitude be? You gotta help me, Joe. I’m gonna die! I’m gonna die!
Joe: I meant the plane’s attitude.
Helen: Oh, um…uh—uh, well the—the wingie things are level with the horizon thing.
Joe: Good. Ok, now, just take it easy. Listen to everything I say, and you’re gonna be just fine.
Joe: I don’t know how I’m gonna talk her down.
Walter: It’s good to see you up here, Joe. I don’t get much company. Did you see the Bruins game yesterday?
Joe: Walter, can we chat later? I’m in the middle of a little crisis.
Walter: I saw this happen once before—
Joe: And it turned out fine?
Walter makes a face.
Walter: I forget. Pretzel?
Joe: Helen, I’m havin’ a little trouble makin’ you out. Uh, can you wiggle your wings?
Helen: Look, I’m having a little trouble makin’ you out. Can you wiggle the tower?
Walter: She’s a little spitfire.
Joe: Ok, I can see you. I can see you. Now, uh…you’re too high. Uh, maybe you should swing around and come in again.
Helen: Yeah, and maybe I should go out on the wing and do a little fan dance, but I’m not gonna, Joe. I’m gonna land and I’m gonna land right now.
Joe: All right. Reduce your speed by half, and you’re lined up perfectly with the runway. Uh, now, after I tell you to do something, you say “check” so I know you’ve done it, ok?
Joe: Ok. Set the fuel selector to “main tanks”.
Helen: The fuel selector onto the main tanks. Um, check.
Joe: Good. Um, now, uh, make sure that the auxiliary fuel pump is on. You remember where that is?
Helen: Is on…
Helen looks for it, then schreeches.
Helen: Um, no!
Joe: Come on, Helen, come on!
Walter: Do you ever think about growing a mustache?
Joe: Shouldn’t you be doing something?
Walter: Nope. I pretty much just watch the blips.
Walter walks over to the radar.
Walter: Hey! There she is.
Helen: Oh, Joe, I don’t know where the auxiliary fuel pump is.
Joe: Helen, we went over this in class today. Oh, that’s right, you weren’t in class today.
Helen: I don’t have time for a lecture right now, Joe. Just tell me where the damn thing is! Oh, I found it myself.
Helen sticks her tongue out.
Joe: All right. Set the fuel mixture to “Full Rich”.
Helen: Fuel mixture to full rich.
Helen looks for the fuel mixture.
Joe: Ok, uh, uh, throttle to idle. Flaps to one quarter.
Helen does what Joe told her to do.
Helen: Check. I—I think that was one-quarter. And I—I hope those were the flaps.
Joe: All right. Lower your landing gear, and k-k-keep your wings straight. No! No! Straight! Straight! Straight! Straight!
Helen: Ok, ok! Don’t have to yell at me, Joe.
Joe: All right, you’re over the runway. Now—now ease the yoke back.
Helen does what she’s told.
Joe on radio: That’s right. That’s right. That’s it! Yes! Yes!
Helen lands the plane then screams.
Helen: Oh, God!
Joe: Cut the engines! Hit the brakes!
Helen: Oh, God! I did it! Ha! Ha! Ha! Joe?
Walter fans Joe who has just fainted.
Lowell enters the airport wearing his fire gear.
Roy: Lowell, I gotta hand it to you. You handled that crisis beautifully. I didn’t know you had that in you.
Lowell: Roy, some men are born leaders. Others have leadership thrust upon them.
Roy: It’s incredible. Good night, Lowell. Oh, oh. One more thing.
Roy slaps Lowell on the face.
Roy: Never do that to me again.
Lowell: Gotcha. Night, Roy.
Roy: Night, Lowell.
The paramedics bring Brian inside on a stretcher. Joe runs down the stairs.
Joe: Hey, Brian. Brian, are you ok?
Brian: Yeah, my head’s still sore. I banged it pretty bad.
Joe: Well, you take care of yourself. I want you strong and healthy when I beat your brains out.
Brian: Helen. Helen. Put that gun down! I can’t do that. Joe would kill me if I took his plane. It would be wrong. Wrong!
Joe: Get him out of here.
Joe: Hey, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Joe looks under the stretcher. Helen is hiding under it.
Joe: Helen, what are you doing? Get out here.
Helen: Oh, I know what I did was wrong, Joe, I’m sorry.
Joe: Please, just don’t yell at me. Don’t yell at me—
Joe passionately kisses Helen.
Helen: I guess I deserved that.
Joe: Helen, when you were up in the plane, and I was wondering if I could ever get you back in one piece, I could only think about one thing.
Helen: I know. I know, Joe. I could only think of one thing, too. And I bet we were thinkin’ about the same thing.
Joe: We’re wimps.
Helen: That wasn’t it.
Joe: But we are. We’re wimps! We’re so afraid to take a chance on anything. So what if dating might ruin our friendship. Uh, you dying in a fiery crash would have done a pretty good job o that, too.
Helen: So, what are you saying?
Joe: I’m saying let’s go for it. Let’s not hold anything back. Let’s take the ultimate step. Let’s…date.
Helen looks shocked.
Helen: Then we were thinkin’ about the same thing.
Helen and Joe resume kissing. Lowell enters the airport.
Lowell: Boy! What some people won’t do for a higher grade.
This is not the actual script. This is my own transcription of the episode. The “Airport 90” episode was written by Bruce Rasmussen. Wings is owned by CBS Studios Inc., Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions.
Previous Wings Transcript: A Terminal Christmas
Next Wings Transcript: Love Is Like Pulling Teeth
More Wings Transcripts
- Downton Abbey
- House of Cards
- Mad Men
- McLeod's Daughters
- Mr. Selfridge
- Orphan Black
- Pushing Daisies
- Remington Steele
- The Tudors
- Three's Company
- White Collar
- Wild Card
- Canceled TV Show
- TV Show Trivia
- TV Show News
- TV Quotes
- Watch Full Episodes